#and I feel gross

[rainysaturdayafternoon]

wearing my flares and my green sweater

#but my mom told me to put in a fancy dress but i don’t have any fancy dresses that look nice #and for previous cousin-henry-ballets i have not been told to be fancy!! #and my hair feels awful #and i look awful #and UGH #and i feel gross #and i have my period #and my mom seems to hate me #and i have a headache #and then i went and yelled at her #because of course i did #and i just HATE. IT. ALL. #leah’s lost thoughts

[inkskinned]

because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

#almost wrote the champagne line as ''effervescent'' but legit could not write it without saying ''effervescent like a snail'' #ah tumblr... #writeblr #warm up #idk . having trouble writing rn #ps i don't like to talk about it . it is my medical information. but before you ask. yes this is about being on the spectrum #i really don't like when ppl make my writing about how im [whatever ID]. i want it to ring true for the people who it rings true for #i don't want it to be like ''awwwww look at this person!!! she's the EXCEPTION!!! :)" ..... #no.... not really..... #idk something gross happens whenever i admit to certain conditions and i turn into like inspiration p*rnography #like yes they actually let us use keyboards these days #furthermore i just... dont feel comfortable talking about this part of me. i had too bad of a childhood. adhd is one thing... #this one im like. still coming to terms with. which is like. my own journey. #idk. just please be kind. some things are more private than others. this one feels private to me. #i do not know how to help others w/this . and i do not know how to help myself. i will talk about it if im ever ready. idk if that will #actually ever happen #ty in advance i love u im kissing you we are kissing somewhere on the spectrum

[deviousdayz]

I hate today

#personal post #a series of awful events has taken place #and I feel gross #I was supposed to go visit my godmother with my mom today #but then me and my mom got into a huge argument and so I left #and I told my godmother I couldn’t make it #but she said i could always just come over by myself and that makes sense but now i dont have the gas to go there #so I have to still cancel on her #like i feel so bad

[alittlebitchy]

i dont think i like smoking

#it makes me cough #and i feel gross #i want another but my mom would kick my ass

[youcanfacethis]

My Monday is off to an odd start but at least I have the taylorswift.com holiday shop to look through and fake buy from!

#depression files #I got another job rejection this morning #and I feel gross #and my coffee was gross idk why #and I just woke up sad sad sad #none of this is a big deal in the slightest #I’m just shouting into the void! ignore me!

[gravedigginbbydoll]

my mood rn

#graves personal #rant #not a rant but ya know #brains are gross #and I feel gross #haha

[ollys-useless-rambles]

I am going absolutely insane !!

#I’m sick #and I miss my partner #and the wifi keeps going out #and the puppies are evil #and my cats also evil #and i dont have any meds #and my rooms a mess #and I feel gross #and the house is too warm #and I can’t find a n y of my four favorite stuffed animals #what is even the point #I #have been awake for too long I think #but I can’t sleep !! #so I’m just stuck ig

[inkiedraws]

"LOL this flip-flop wearing loser thinks he's gonna kick my ass and destroy my whole kingdom in the span of an afternoon. What an idiot"

I didn't intend for this to be a full comic, which is why it just kinda ends. Sowwy

#one piece #monkey d luffy #donquixote doflamingo #trafalgar law #i've been too nice to dofy so im gonna draw him suffering #dofy feels insulted and takes out his annoyance on the ptsd victim #also really loving trebol being the manipulator and then being like “hey this kid is alright!” then becoming the manipulated himself #him turning into a weird enabling father figure without ever intending to is great #but oda intentionally made him so gross an unappealing bc HE KNOWS he can get away with it bc the story is so good #and i hate him for it #anyway dressrosa's a good arc

[sunfoxfic]

We were so close to smoking not being cool anymore. We were so close. Then they flavored it mango and now it's taboo to criticize it anymore. People don't ask if they're allowed to vape indoors, they aren't considerate of people who may have health problems that are triggered by the chemicals or if it just bothers them, people don't care that they're supporting an industry built on corruption and greed, they can't see it draining their pockets and much less their health. We were so close to smoking not being cool anymore.

#i hate hate HATE nicotine after watching my parents smoke when i grew up #its gross and bad for your money and bad for your health #and i get it. theres SO MANY socioeconomic factors that make it a complicated issue. #you CANT blame smokers. #but it feels like people are just accepting the institution for what it is bc now it tastes good #bitch just chew gum jfc #it doesn't matter if its an industry issue. we have seen in the past that making it “uncool” hurts the industry #make nicotine uncool again PLEASE #grumbles

[strawberryfemm]

to you it’s perverted gross sex. to me it’s being creative, working through traumas and baggage, healing my inner child, playing, practicing intense vulnerability, finding even more ways to fall in love with my partner, finding more ways to fall in love with myself, learning confidence & how to ask for what i want, care work, emotional release, relaxing, community building, theater, dance, writing, problem solving, therapy, radical honestly, and so much more. and also it’s gross perverted sex.

#sex is just so. everything to me #i feel like i’ve grown so much w it and wouldn’t be who i am without the kind of sex i have with other perverted gross sex weirdos <3 #and it’s like never just sex with me. #i mean sometimes it is but. i love a theme and motif #mine

[shivunin]

Because I have just seen this specific thing for the second time, I would like to say:

If I reblog your art, I do not expect you to reblog (or share!) my fic in return

If I comment on your fic, I do not expect you to comment on (or read!) mine in return

My enjoyment of anyone's work does not come with strings or expectations

My friendship is not a bill that you will have to pay later

That's it!

#the fucking obsession with fandom becoming ~content creation~ has got to stop. this is not a business. #i don't like it when someone acts like i owe them because they complimented my work #and i will never do that to someone else #kindness has to be freely given or it isn't kindness; it's manipulation #this just. makes me feel super gross and it upsets me that it's happened twice #and that both people explicitly stated in their profiles that this is an expectation they have of fandom #you can't form a community by force. that's not how it works. #anyways. rant over. i just want it to be known that i'm not expecting anything from anyone lol #if i talk to you or hang out it's because i want to. i don't want anything from you except you know #kindness and companionship or w/e #bleargh. gonna go play a game or something. #dixeram

[i-am-a-fish]

I am

• worried

• depressed

• uncomfortable

• upset

• afraid

• uneasy

it does not feel good.

I'm going to drink some water, take a nap, and deal with these things later

#I'm still waiting to hear back if I got my apartment #I just broke my glasses #I ran out of my meds and it might take a while to get more #I have so many people I need to message back #I fucked up and missed my therapy appointment yesterday #I'm with both of my parents for the holidays and I'm not out as she/her #I just feel gross

[aeide-thea]

on principle opposed to describing art i dislike as 'masturbatory' because even though it's an alluringly contemptuous word to sneer it's impossible to reconcile with my pro-masturbation stance

#it's such an ugly word but like. self-pleasure is good‚ actually #it's good to know yourself and what you like and lovingly treat yourself to it! #like similarly 'meretricious' is extremely tempting if you ignore the underlying metaphor #but. hard to. #language #and quite frankly i think people who whip out 'masturbatory' in this sneering sort of way #are leveraging‚ if we're honest with ourselves‚ a particular framing of it as a gross thing that boys do #because like. when have you ever heard a *woman's* self-indulgent art described as masturbatory #like don't get me wrong we absolutely still dismiss it! but we dismiss it in other ways #that are usually about how embarrassing her *yearning* is #and so even our sneering is reinforcing an idea that men Act whereas women Feel #anyway this was prompted by some things but i shoved it in the queue so now i forget what lol #so here you are getting some contextless thoughts on the use of 'masturbatory' as sneering dismissive assessment! #just what you were hoping for i'm sure :)

[salamispots]

dream from several days ago

#dream diary #artists on tumblr #flotsam diaries #sequential #...I said I was gonna sleep but that obviously didn't happen HAHA #anyways really happy that I was able to get the colors/vibes I wanted down fjhkgj :'D #a lot of nitpicking and adjusting hahah #also kororon/eve was on blast for the majority of drawing this hghhjf #alright good night/morning/something yall #edit: was thinking more and the feeling I wanted to get across I guess is like when someone voluntarily #reaches out to touch me/casually/platonically and it's like a 'you're touching me of your own free will??? o H' #because when I was growing up had a parent who wasn't physically affectionate/would kinda brush me off #and that uhhhh kinda internalized as I'm gross and therefore shouldn't touch other people #(lmao took covid lockdown and very good friends to basically destroy that feeling yay) #anYWAYS had feelings but didn't quite know how to verbalize it hahah

[unicorn-shadownight]

.

#lord why why WHY do i do this/does this happen every god fucking damn time #i was on track for the assignment #i was doing good! #i had 2 days left and i had done most of the required reading! #tuesday afternoon: well yaknow got distracted a bit but its fine (a bit frustrating) but i had a good time and i still have all of wednesda #thats more than enough time! #letsgo! #que wednesday #ignore 3 alarms #sleep for another 3 hours (with several wake up-nah-sleep-points) #at this point its 12 #still reasonable #but room is a mess #and i have to clena that #and i feel gross #and i need to start the assignment #so guess what #guess FUCKING what #i am in bed doing NOTHING till GODDAMN 18 #at which point i #valiantly #take a shower #did i need a shower? no!!!! just brush teeth!!! #so hey anyway good job now put on some clothes and- #no tjere she goes again on the bed ugh. at 19 ended up ordering dominos as breakfast/lunch/dinner #got a bit of reading done but SURE NOT A LOT until it ended up being 21 PM and i HAD TO DO THE ENTITE PRESENTATION #so its now 2 and my brain is TIRED and i did a lot of reading and once again once fucking again if i had been at this point YESTERDAY or #6 HOURS AGO THAT WOULDVE BEEN LOVELY AND IT WOULDVE BEEN VERY POSSIBLE BUT NO #bc my brain sees a shiny and goes YES PLEASE NO STUDY ONLY FUN THING IEK OH NO ALSO HAVE TO DO CHORES LETS DO THOSE and i HATE IT #anyway yeah help ig lol

[the-teddy-bear-butch]

Bite bite bite maim kill bite hate

#I have #a tummy ache #really bad :( #and I feel gross #I don’t want to go anywhere #but I gotta drive an hour away #wailing in despair