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bee-kathony · 4 years

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Walking the Tightrope - Jamie and Claire AU

The year is 1919, and a 13 year old Claire Beauchamp has just lost both her parents to the Spanish Influenza. Alone in the world, and out of options, Claire runs away, stumbling across train tracks. When she wipes away her tears, she discovers a train, and is welcomed aboard.  

What happens when Claire finds out that the train is home to the Ringling Brothers & Barnum and Bailey Circus? Luckily, she meets a family – The Fraser’s, who help her learn the circus life. But, will she always want to stay? Or will she eventually grow up and realize it’s time to leave the circus and her best friend, Jamie… behind? 

This is the first 3(ish) and only chapters of this fic. I will also add the outline for what this story was going to be at the end. I hope you enjoy it and I was excited to get into the twists of this story. Moodboard by @beaauchamp xx

Chapter One

Boston, Massachusetts 1919

Claire Elizabeth Beauchamp was 13 years old when she ran away to the circus. Normally, young girls don’t run away to join circuses — especially not young British girls who had just moved to America.

Claire and her family were originally from England, the beautiful city of Oxford, and had relocated to the United States for Henry Beauchamp’s job. He was a veterinarian, and had been offered a position to teach the subject at Harvard University, an offer he couldn’t refuse.

Their family packed up their small home and moved across the Atlantic. Claire found it was rather easy to leave her home country, she hadn’t always been the best at making new friends. And besides, she had her parents to keep her company. Henry’s brother, Claire’s Uncle Lamb, was an archaeologist and had traveled with them to stay for a few months in between digs.

They had only been in Boston for eight months before the sickness came. It was 1919 and the Spanish Influenza was spreading rapidly throughout the country and throughout the world. Claire felt helpless as she watched people around her die.

“You must stay with Lamb, darling,” her mother said, voice barely above a whisper. “He’ll take good care of you.”

“But I want to stay with you, mum,” Claire gripped her mother’s hand, aware of how hot her skin felt against her own. “I want to stay with you and papa.”

Julia Beauchamp had woken up that morning with a chill that rapidly turned into a fever. It was a miracle that Claire wasn’t ill. Her father, Henry hadn’t been so lucky. He lay in the bed next to Julia, chest rising and falling slowly, skin moist with fever.

“We won’t be here much longer,” Julia said and did her best to squeeze Claire’s hand. “You must make a good life for yourself. I know you can.”

“Mother!” Claire weeped as her mother’s grip loosened. Bent over the bed, she threw herself on top of both her parents, desperate to give them all the life that was in her.

“Oh, Claire, dear,” her uncle Lamb raced in and pulled her off the bed, his own eyes filled with tears as he watched his brother and sister-in-law leave the earth. “You mustn’t look, child.”

“I want my parents!” Claire cried against her uncle’s chest, her body shaking and not able to contain the grief she felt. There was nothing that could have been done — nothing that anyone could have done.

She had just lost both of her parents, what could have been worse?

It was barely twenty-four hours later that her favorite Uncle Lamb had fallen ill and died of the Spanish influenza. Claire Beauchamp was now an orphan with no one to turn to and nowhere to go.

An orphanage was the only suitable place for a girl like her. The thought of being stuffed into a house with tens of other children without a family made her stomach twist into knots.

Claire stood by herself, hands clasped firmly in front of her, trying not to cry as she watched her parents and uncle’s caskets be lowered into the ground. It took everything in her not to throw herself down and demand to be buried along with them. What did she have to live for?

Alone in the world and with nowhere to go, she ran from the funeral with nothing but the black dress on her body and the Oxfords on her feet. She thought she could make it on her own — survive all by herself.

There was no particular destination in mind, but the air around her was suffocating and every look of sympathy shot her way made her want to scream. So Claire turned, tears streaming down her face and began to run even faster.

The wind whipped past her face, salty tears flying behind her as she pumped her arms and legs to carry her as far away as possible. No one stopped her. No one knew her.

It wasn’t long before her chest began to burn and the tears filled her eyes to the point where she had to stop. When she looked up, she saw iron train tracks and followed them, only hoping that soon something would come and take her away.

As the sky darkened and the night grew cold, Claire shivered and wished more than anything for her family to be alive. But wishing wouldn’t bring them back. So with every step, Claire pushed out the memories she had of Henry, Julia and Lambert Beauchamp — because thinking of them only brought pain.

Stumbling along the tracks, her feet aching and stomach rumbling, Claire knew she needed to find a place to sleep. Lifting her head up, she saw lights in the distance — lights of a train. A train would have food and people, surely someone would be kind enough to help her find her way, or perhaps they would let her ride along.

With careful steps in the dark, Claire made her way to the last car of the train and stepped off the tracks to peer at the side of the boxcar.

Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus

A circus.

Claire’s eyes went wide, wondering what kind of animals lived inside the small confines of the boxcars. She had never been to the circus, but had always wanted to go. Claire loved animals and was always quick to make friends with them in whatever country they were visiting.

Voices came from further down and Claire walked forward into the light.

“Psst,” came from behind her and she whipped her head around, back into the dark. Not seeing anything, Claire shrugged her shoulders and kept moving forward. “Psst,” she heard the sound again.

“You!” A voice said quietly from above her. Claire looked up and gasped, jumping back to see a head sticking out of the boxcar. “I’m talkin’ to ye lass!”

“Me?” Claire pointed at herself.

“Do you see any other little girls around here?” The man said in a thick Scottish accent.

She shook her head and before she could do anything else, the man stuck his hand out, offering her a way up. With no other option, Claire reached up, grabbed it and was pulled up into the boxcar.

“Yer a wee thing,” the man said and for the first time, Claire got a good look at him. He was tall, with wide shoulders and had jet black hair. “What are ye doin’ out here so late at night?”

“I—“ She stammered, suddenly wondering if she made a mistake running away.

“Where are yer parents, lass?” The man said and when Claire met his eye, it hit her, the fact that she would never wake up to the smell of her father’s chocolate chip pancakes again or hear her mother sing along to the radio every evening. Tears fell down her cheeks and her chest caved in. The man with the jet black hair caught her in his arms as she began to fall to her knees and he held her against his chest.

“Shhh, I didna mean to upset ye,” he spoke softly. “Tis only it’s no every day young lasses come walkin’ beside the tracks.” The man ran his hand gently over Claire’s head, smoothing down the unruly curls.

“I have a lad about yer age, maybe a couple years younger. My daughter is probably near yer age though,” he said, trying to soothe her with conversation. “Usually the brothers dinna take a family on the road wi’ them, but they’ve allowed it this time.”

“Y-you have children?” Claire stammered as she wiped her face on her sleeve and looked up at the man. He released her, making sure she could stand on her own two feet.

“Aye, two of them, the wee numpties,” he laughed. “And my wife, they’re all part of the act, ye ken.” Claire raised her brows, unsure of what “act” he was talking about. He saw the confusion on her face, “Och, have ye never been to see a show before?”

“No, never.”

“My wife Ellen and I are lion tamers,” he said proudly, crossing his arms over his chest and leaned back against the wall of the cart. “My son and daughter are what ye could say cub tamers in training,” he laughed.

“You tame lions?” Claire asked, eyes wide for the second time that night. “I’ve never even seen a lion!”

“Ah, I thought I detected an accent,” he smiled. “That makes this even more curious. What’s a Sassenach like ye doin’ here?”

“A Sassenach?” Claire asked as she took a seat on a cot nearby, her legs unable to hold her up after a day of running and walking along the tracks.

“An English person, just a wee nickname,” the man smirked.

“I moved here with my parents about a year ago, we’re from Oxford.”

“Ah, Oxford,” he smiled. “I went there once as a lad, beautiful place. Yer parents, ye say? Where are they? Do they ken their daughter is runnin’ away from home to join the circus?” He laughed and then the laughter died as he caught sight of her face.

“My parents are dead,” she nearly whispered and the man dropped to his knees in front of her. “My uncle is dead. I have no one.”

“Oh lass,” he took her small hand in his. “I’m sae sorry, I— I’m sorry for yer loss.”

“Their funeral was today, it’s why I’m dressed like this,” Claire pointed at her dress. “I did run away, but I didn’t know where to run to.”

“It’s every kids dream to join the circus is it no?” The man put his thumb under her chin, lifting it up. “Ye’ve a place here, if ye want it.”

“But I can’t join the circus!” Claire laughed, her emotions running on overdrive. “I’m just a girl and a circus is no place for me.”

“Try tellin’ that to my daughter Jenny, she’ll be sayin’ the opposite,” he smiled. “She loves the animals, helps take care of them when she’s not performin’. She’s wi’ her Mam and brother up in the car ahead eatin’ dinner.”

Claire didn’t know what to say at this offer. Join the circus? It all felt like a fantasy. No one really ran away to the circus and certainly not young girls like her. But she didn’t exactly have a lot of options — no family, no house, no money.

“I’m Claire Beauchamp,” she offered her hand to the man.

“Brian Fraser, lass. Pleased to make yer acquaintance,” he kissed the back of her hand. “So is that a yes? Are ye runnin’ away to join us?”

It could’ve been much worse and as Claire looked around the small train car, she thought she might as well give it a try — the least she could get out of it was a hot meal and a night’s sleep.

“Yes. I’m running away to join the circus,” she smiled for the first time in days.

“Tha!” Brian smiled. “Ye’ve just made the best decision of yer young life, lassie. Now,” he stood up, taking her hand. “We need to feed ye and then find ye some place to sleep. I expect ye’ll be needin’ a wee nap soon.”

Claire followed Brian through a small door and through another into another train car. They walked through several others, past people with curious eyes and hushed tones, wondering who she was no doubt. Claire had never seen so many people crammed into such a small space before. They finally came into the train car Brian was looking for and he let go of her hand to walk over to a red headed woman, kissing her on the mouth.

They seemed to be in a train car where people ate, the place was lined with small tables and chairs, plates of food in front of everyone. Brian motioned for her to join him and she stood shyly next to him while he introduced her.

“I found a young lass outside,” Brian smiled, placing his arm around her shoulder. “This is Claire Beauchamp, she’s from England and she’s run away to the circus.”

“Run away?” The girl who must be his daughter Jenny said from beside her mother. “I didna ken anyone like ye would want to come and live here.”

“Who wouldn’t want to live here, Janet?” A young boy said beside her, looking at her with the bluest eyes Claire had ever seen.

“Claire will be joinin’ us for dinner tonight,” Brian smiled and then pulled up a chair for her. “Jamie, Janet, say a proper hello to the lass.”

The young girl stuck her hand out over the table, “I’m Janet, but you can call me Jenny. I’m fourteen. This is my younger brother, James.”

“But ye can call me, Jamie,” the young boy offered her his hand from beside her. He had a mop of curly red hair and mischievous glint in his eye. “Did Da tell ye we tame lions?!”

“He did,” Claire nodded. “I’ve never seen a lion before though.”

Jamie gasped, frightening Claire and he grabbed her arm, “Ye’ve never seen a lion? Jenny, did ye hear the lass?”

“I heard her fine well, Jamie,” Jenny rolled her eyes, but then smiled at Claire. “We can show ye them tomorrow when we unload”

“Unload?”

“Aye, when we unload to set up for the circus, we’ll be in Boston for the next two nights and then it’s on to another city,” Jenny smiled.

A plate of food was set down in front of Claire and her stomach made a very loud noise at the sight of it. She hadn’t eaten all day — she hadn’t eaten much of anything since she found out the news about her parents. She grabbed the fork and began to eat quickly, not caring if the food was too hot.

“Slow down lass,” Ellen smiled from across the table. “Ye need no worry about it disappearin’.”

“Sorry,” Claire said shyly, her cheeks turning bright red.

“Dinna fash, lass. I just dinna want to see ye gettin’ a belly ache. My Jamie gets those when he eats too fast,” Ellen smirked.

“Mam!” Jamie shouted. “Dinna talk about my belly in front of her!”

Brian snorted over his food, which only made Claire blush harder. She took her next bites a bit slower, savoring the taste.

“I never asked before,” Claire said to Brian once her plate was clean. “You’re from Scotland. You all are,” she looked around. “What are you doing here then?”

Brian glanced around at his family, then finally his eyes focused on Claire. “I suppose ye can say that we ran away too.”

Ellen took her husband’s hand, squeezing it so tightly her knuckles went white.

“We still need to find ye a place to sleep, lass,” Brian said a moment later. “There’s probably room for ye to join in our car tonight.”

“I can show her, Da!” Jamie said beside her and he nearly jumped out of his chair.

Laughing, Brian smiled, wiping his mouth with a napkin. “Aye, son. Take her to the car, we’ll be there in a minute.”

“Follow me, Claire,” Jamie smiled, offering his hand to her. She took it, following the boy back through the train cars she had come through. They found themselves in the same car Brian had pulled her into. As she looked around now, she saw that it was rather cozy — as cozy and nice as a train car could get she supposed.

“This is where I sleep,” Jamie said as he pointed up at the top bunk. “Then Jenny sleeps in the middle and there’s actually an empty bunk on the bottom. I guess that’s where ye can sleep.”

“You all sleep in here?” Claire said.

“Aye, Mam and Da take the cot in the corner, tis small, but it’s enough,” Jamie smiled. He couldn’t have been but a couple of years younger than her, but he was just as tall as her, if not taller. He seemed kind and not for the first time, Claire wondered what an entire family was doing joining the circus.

“My Da said ye were runnin’ away…” Jamie said to her as he came to stand in front of her. “Why, Sassenach?”

“Oh you too?” Claire smirked. “Your father called me that earlier, I suppose I better get used to it.”

“Och, I didna mean any offense!” Jamie put up both his hands. “Yer English is all.”

“No, it’s alright,” Claire smiled and tucked a stray curl behind her ear.

“Ye didna answer my question…” Jamie said softly.

“I—“ Claire felt her chest tighten and her eyes water. “I’d rather not talk about it just yet.”

“Oh that’s fine, Claire.” Jamie reached for her hand, squeezing it tight. “Ye’ll see soon enough how great this place really is. It’s like a dream!”

“I’ve just woken up from a nightmare of my own,” Claire said, her shoulders drooping. Jamie lifted her chin with his fingers.

“Ye’ve nothin’ to be scarit of, Sassenach. Not so long as I’m wi’ ye,” he smiled, squeezing her hand again.

“You’re very kind, Jamie. Much kinder than I deserve,” Claire smiled. She had to admit that Jamie was rather cute and very charming. Perhaps this circus thing wouldn’t be so bad after all. “I’m feeling rather tired.”

“Och, of course,” Jamie smiled. “As I said, the bottom bunk can be yers.”

“Thank you, Jamie.” Claire let go of his hand and climbed into the bottom bunk, sighing as she slipped off her shoes. She winced as she felt the blisters, but tried to keep quiet as Jamie climbed up to the top bunk.

“I’m glad yer here, Sassenach,” he said a few minutes later as they both lay quietly. “I was wishin’ for a friend.”

Claire didn’t know what to say so she turned over on her side and let herself weep. Only hours before, she had buried her family and said goodbye to the life she knew and now she was lying in a bunk on a circus train.

Her eyes grew heavy and soon the tears stopped as she slipped into a deep dreamless slumber.

Chapter 2

Claire woke to the quiet whispers of Brian and Ellen Fraser. She didn’t want them to know she was awake just yet, so she kept her eyes shut tight and face buried in the pillow.

“What is she going to do here, Brian?” Ellen said softly and glanced over at Claire lying still asleep on the bottom bunk. “Ye ken fine well that this is no’ a proper life for a girl like her.”

“Jenny’s here is she no’?” Brian said.

“Aye,” Ellen clicked her tongue. “But she’s our daughter, and she didna have much say in the matter at the time if ye recall.”

Brian rubbed his hands over his face, sighing as he looked at the young girl.

“She’s got nowhere else to go, Ellen. Her parents and uncle died of the influenza,” he said softly and Claire realized that his own children must still be asleep above her.

“Christ,” Ellen muttered under her breath. “So she really did run away to the circus, the poor lass.”

“Ye ken just as well as I do what that grief feels like,” Brian said to his wife. “The poor lass is heartbroken, I’m sure we can find somethin’ here for her to do.”

Ellen leaned against her husband, silent for a moment before nodding. “We must help her.”

“Aye,” Brian kissed his wife’s forehead. “I’ll go and talk to the brothers. Let them know about our newest passenger. I’ll find ye and the bairns at breakfast after setup.”

A sliding door opened and closed and Brian Fraser left the small boxcar. Claire could hear sniffling from the corner and opened one eye to see Ellen wiping away tears that fell down her cheeks. Compassion stirred Claire to rise from her bed and she sat down beside Ellen on the small cot.

Without saying anything, she took Ellen’s hand in hers and squeezed it. The older woman smiled down at her, squeezing back.

“I’m glad that yer here, Claire,” Ellen smiled and ran her fingers softly over Claire’s cheek. “We’ll do the best we can to take care of ye, and make ye feel at home.”

Claire’s throat felt tight, and she knew that if she spoke she would burst into tears, so she wrapped her arms around Ellen and buried her head against the woman’s chest. There was nothing quite like a mother’s embrace — warm and soothing, like being wrapped in the arms of an angel.

The two of them sat there for a moment longer, quiet as they both grieved for their own loss. Claire looked up and finally released her arms from around Ellen when Jamie and Jenny both started to wake up.

“Morning my darlins,” Ellen said to her children.

“Morning mam,” Jenny said, wiping her eyes as she jumped out of bed, landing on her feet.

Jamie yawned and jumped down as well, rubbing his hands over his eyes. He blinked and looked at Claire, as if remembering that she was there. “Morning Mam, Claire,” he smiled softly.

“Are ye ready for yer first day at the circus, Sassenach?” Jamie asked, a grin spreading across his lips. It was infectious, and Claire found herself smiling too.

“Ready as I’ll ever be.”

++++++

“So, what exactly do you and Jenny do all day?” Claire asked as they walked over to where the large tents were being setup. It looked like quite a job to do. Men and women were lined up in a circle, each holding rope, and tall wooden beams were on their sides, ready to be lifted. Claire didn’t envy their job.

“We help wi’ anythin’ that needs to be done,” Jenny said. “I usually help wi’ the cookin’ and feedin’ everyone. Well, as much as our cook Mrs. Fitz will allow me to since I’m only fourteen. She’s Scottish as well!”

Jamie bumped against Claire, “And I help with the animals! No’ the big ones though. Mam willna let me near them.”

“That’s cause you’re a wee ten year old,” Jenny smirked and winked at Claire.

“I’m turning eleven next month!” Jamie scowled and kicked at a nearby rock. He hated to feel like the odd one out. “I usually just walk around and see who needs help. Since I am ten…” he sighed. “I can only do so much. The circus is a tough job, ye’ll see soon enough, Sassenach.”

“It sounds like it,” Claire agreed.

They found the food tent, which had already been set up the night before. The smell of fresh eggs and bacon made Claire’s stomach growl and they got into line. Claire looked around the tent and saw mostly women there, as the men were still setting up the larger tent that would house the main event.

“Are you the only other kids here?” Claire asked the Frasers. She hadn’t paid much attention to anything when she boarded the train last night.

“Aye,” Jamie nodded, scooping a large helping of eggs onto his plate. “We’re also the only family here too. The circus is no’ exactly a life most people choose to raise bairns in.”

“But, we havena been here our whole lives either,” Jenny added. “We were both born in Scotland. Ye see, we moved here five years ago.”

They found Ellen sitting at a table, a plate of food already in front of her.

“Good to see ye, Claire,” Ellen smiled gently. “I hope my bairns havena been tellin’ ye too many wild stories?”

“No,” Claire shook her head. “Jenny was just telling me about when you moved here.”

At that, Ellen froze, her complexion going pale and she looked over at her daughter who shook her head slightly.

“Ye’ll have to forgive me, Claire,” Ellen said. “I dinna like to talk about our life before the circus. Those times are better left in the past.”

“That’s all right,” Claire nodded. That was certainly how Claire felt now. She would much rather leave all of her pain and grief behind her, and try and start a new life. Granted, this wasn’t what she had in mind, but it was better than living in an orphanage.

A few minutes later, Brian Fraser came over with his own plate. He was sweaty from putting up the tent, but didn’t seem to mind. Most people here were covered in a thin layer of sweat and dirt. Living on train wasn’t exactly all that clean, Claire realized.

“After ye eat, Da, can ye come wi’ us to show Claire the lions?” Jamie asked his father.

“Aye,” Brian nodded, chowing down on piece of bacon. “But ye kids ken the drill. Dinna stand too close while we feed them.” He turned to look at Claire, “The lions will be hungry this mornin’ and it only takes almost gettin’ yer hand bit off once, to practice extreme caution around them.”

“I don’t want to get too close at all!” Claire squeaked. She had been around animals all her life, her father had been a veterinarian. But, he had never worked on a lion before — only house cats and dogs, with the occasional horse.

Once Brian was done with his breakfast, Ellen and Jenny stayed behind to help with the food and cleanup, while Brian, Jamie and Claire went to see the animals. They were still in their cages, but would be unloaded into their own tent before the show.

“We have the lions of course,” Jamie said excitedly, almost bouncing as they walked. “Then we have the horses, pigs, giraffes, one elephant, monkeys, zebras —“

“Zebras?!” Claire gasped.

“Oh yes,” Jamie grinned. “They’re my favorite after the lions. A bit like horses, really, which I also love, but the stripes are the best!”

Claire could immediately tell when the reached the animals cages, as the smell was quite strong. As was the loud roar that one of the lions gave as they approached. Another man was already there with a bucket full of meat, which the lion was eyeing and trying to get through the bars.

“Stay back here,” Brian instructed them before going to join the man.

“That’s auld Alec,” Jamie pointed. “He’s in charge of takin’ care of the animals.”

“All of them?” Claire said, awestruck.

“Aye, I help sometimes, but he does most of the work,” Jamie said. They watched from the trees as Alec and Brian began to feed the lions. Brian distracted the lions, moving them to one side of the cage, while Alec opened it up and set the bucket of meat inside. Then the lions pounced on their food and ate it ferociously.

“Wow,” Claire gasped, grabbing onto Jamie’s arm.

“Dinna fash, Sassenach,” Jamie grinned. “They’re no’ as scary after they’ve eaten. Later, I’ll show ye how to pet one. They can be quite friendly.”

“I’ll believe that when I see it,” Claire laughed.

Brian returned to them, and auld Alec followed closely behind. “This is young Claire Beauchamp who has come to join us,” Brian introduced her.

“Tis nice to meet ye little lass,” Alec offered her his hand and she shook it.

“We need to find somethin’ for the lassie to do,” Brian quirked his brow.

“My father worked with animals,” Claire said shyly. “All kinds, but not any lions or elephants.”

“He was a veterinarian?” Alec asked.

“Yes, sir.”

“Well, perhaps some of his skills rubbed off on ye lass,” Alex grinned. “How’d ye like to come wi’ me and see the rest of the animals? I could use all the help I could get!”

Claire looked over at Jamie who nodded encouragingly, as did Brian. Jamie stayed back with his father, leaving Claire to follow the animal carer. The thought of being around animals was a small comfort, at least she had vague knowledge of their needs.

She would never forget one warm afternoon when her father was seeing to a pregnant dog. Claire had stayed up with her father all night, comforting the dog as she gave birth, and making sure the puppies were seen after.

“Is she in pain, papa?” Claire asked, petting the head of the golden Labrador.

“A bit, my dear,” Henry Beauchamp replied. “Giving birth is no easy feat. But she’s a strong girl,” he stroked the dog’s bulging stomach. “It should be within the hour.”

Claire and her father had stayed up late into the night, watching over the dog. She belonged to a woman from town, but all Claire wanted to know was who would keep the puppies.

“How many puppies will she have?”

“I think perhaps four,” her father said as he moved his hand over the dog’s belly. “But we won’t know until she has them. Why are you asking my love?” He cocked a quizzical brow at his daughter.

“Oh, you know,” Claire grinned. “Maybe Mrs. Wilcox doesn’t want four new puppies. Maybe she only wants three!”

Her father laughed, “That’s something you can ask Mrs. Wilcox tomorrow. And of course, you’ll have to ask your mother.”

“I will, papa,” Claire smiled and went back to petting the dog’s head. “When I grow up, I want to do what you do. Being around animals all day must be fun.”

Henry rose to his feet to check that he had everything he needed — sutures for after the birth, plenty of towels. “It is rather fun, my dear. But, I will warn you, that it can be quite hard too.”

“Why is that?”

“It’s never easy telling someone that their pet is ill,” Henry frowned, coming back to join Claire on the ground. “Or feeling like you can’t do anything to help. Not everything can be solved with medicine, I’m afraid. But I try.”

At this, Claire felt sadness wash over her. As little girl, they had a pet cat, but he had passed away before they moved to Boston. She knew all too well what it was like to be told that your animal was sick.

“Well, you can still be there for someone and try and make them feel better,” Claire replied. “I think I still wanna do what you do.”

Henry reached out and smoothed back his daughter’s unruly curls. “Then you shall, my darling. You shall do whatever your heart desires.” He bent and kissed her forehead. “Your mother and I will always be here to support you.”

Auld Alec showed Claire all the animals. Claire was gobsmacked seeing so many creatures she had never seen before. She had heard about the circus coming into town, and thought about asking her parents to take her, but that was before…

“I bet yer Da never worked on zebras, aye?”

“No,” Claire shook her head as they approached one. “A few horses, but never a zebra.”

“They’re a lot like horses, of course,” Alec said and reached his hand through the bars. “Go ahead and reach yer hand in, she willna bite.”

Slowly, Claire approached the cage, trying to be careful as she reached her hand inside. The zebra nodded her head forward against Claire’s hand, letting her pet her. The zebra made a snorting sound, and Claire laughed.

“Does she have a name?”

“Zoe,” Alec smiled down at Claire. “Zoe the zebra.”

“Fitting,” Claire nuzzled Zoe’s nose.

As the morning rolled on, Claire stayed with Alec and watched as he interacted with every animal. Treating them with such care and gentleness, as if they weren’t really animals at all, but humans.

Finally, they got word that the animals were set to be moved into their proper tent. Men came to unhook their cages and wheeled them into the tent. The horses were let out to walk and stretch their legs, and Claire immediately gravitated to them.

She was barely half the height of the horse, so she came up to it carefully, not wanting to disturb it. Alec had tied them up to a nearby pole and they were munching on a trough full of hay.

“Here,” came a voice from behind her, making her jump. She turned to find Jamie, holding a bright red apple. “Donas loves these.”

“Thank you,” Claire took the apple from Jamie and walked around to the horse’s head, and held out the apple. He snorted, looking her up and down before placing his wet mouth on her hand and snatching the apple up. “He did like it!”

“Aye, told ye,” Jamie grinned. “I love the horses.” He came to stand beside her, reaching out a hand to rub over Donas’ nose. “Tha thu nad bheathach math,” Jamie said in a foreign tongue.

“What did you say?” Claire asked.

“Oh,” Jamie’s cheeks blushed. “I didna even realize I was speakin’. Twas Gaelic. Just callin’ him a fine creature. I find that speakin’ to the animals in Gaelic helps to calm them.”

“Would you teach me some then?” Claire asked. “It looks like I’ll be helping auld Alec with the animals!”

“That’s great!” Jamie smiled. “What I say to the horses is really just gibberish. No’ meant to even mean anythin’, but try sayin’ what I did — tha thu nad bheathach math.”

It was a language Claire had certainly never heard before. Her mother spoke a bit of French and had taught Claire a few words and phrases, but Gaelic was very different.

“Tha thu nad,” she said slowly. “Be-heath-ach math?”

“Let it roll off yer tongue,” Jamie said the phrase again.

“Tha thu nad bheathnach math,” Claire said again, this time getting it as closely as she could to how Jamie had said it. “Well, with practice, I think I’ll get there.”

“Aye, ye’ll do great,” Jamie smiled. “I’m glad ye found yer place, Sassenach. It’ll be nice to have ye here.”

“Yes,” Claire rubbed her hand along the side of Donas’ neck. “I think it will be rather nice here after all.”

She hadn’t even been at the circus for a full twenty-four hours, but already it was beginning to feel like home. The animals would be her new companions, as well as the Fraser’s who had welcomed her in as one of their own. Running away to the circus was the best idea Claire ever had.

Chapter 3

7 years later… New York City 1926

Claire thought often of her first night on the train — how alone she had felt and like she would never belong anywhere. It had been nearly seven years since then and the circus was now her home.

She wasn’t properly educated, but her love for animals kept her with a full time position with the Ringling Brothers. Jenny Fraser was her best friend, along with her younger brother Jamie, of course.

They traveled from city to city, amazing people with the greatest show on earth. Wonders and mystery surrounded them and Claire felt she was part of something truly spectacular.

There were times she thought she should find proper work, especially on her eighteenth birthday two years ago. Jamie had set up a picnic by the horses, Claire’s favorite of the wild menagerie.

“I think I need to leave, Jamie,” Claire said as she took a bite of a strawberry. They were sitting under the tent where all the animals were kept and it was rather smelly, but Claire had grown used to it over the years.

“Leave? Why would ye do that?” Jamie said as he reached for a cracker.

“I don’t know,” Claire sighed. “I’m an twenty year old girl, traveling around with a circus, surely I can find a real job out there.”

Jamie grew quiet, his brows knitting together and he crossed his arms over his knees. “If you want to then you should.”

“I didn’t think you would want me to go,” Claire said.

“I don’t,” Jamie looked up at her. “But if ye want to go…”

Sighing, Claire laid back on the blanket, followed by Jamie. They had grown close over the years, able to tell each other anything and everything. He had always been there for her as he said he would be. On the anniversary of her parents death, he always made sure she was alright and was there to distract her if she needed — or to be a shoulder to cry on when she needed that.

“It’s not like I want too… I just feel I should. Make a proper life.”

“Ye have a family here, Claire,” Jamie turned onto his side, lifting his head up on his elbow. “Ye ken that.”

“Of course,” she smiled. “It was just a silly thought, Jamie. Nothing more.”

“I hope so,” Jamie said as he brushed a lock of hair off her forehead. Something in Claire’s stomach fluttered whenever he touched her and she wanted him to do it again. Jamie was much taller than her now, and had grown into handsome young man.

“Sassenach,” Jamie said. “I dinna want ye to leave.”

“I won’t,” she whispered and then his lips pressed against hers. A small sound left her lips in surprise, but then she relaxed, wrapping her arms around his neck. Before she could really taste his lips, Jamie pulled back, rising quickly to his feet.

“I’m sorry, Claire, I dinna ken what came over me,” his face was bright red and he was turned away from her.

“It’s alright, Jamie,” Claire sat up, her heart hammering. She had always wondered what it would be like to kiss him, but he apparently regretted it.

“I shouldna have done that,” Jamie cursed in Gaelic and before Claire could say that she liked it, Jamie had stormed out of the tent, leaving Claire alone, sitting on the picnic blanket.

++++++

Neither of them had spoken of the kiss since then and that was two years ago. Claire wondered if Jamie even remembered it had happened or maybe it had been so bad, he had forgotten it.

Claire thought he liked her, but clearly he didn’t and things had gone back to how they were before. Claire knew she fell in love easily — she always had a crush and for a long time her crush had been Jamie.

She would watch him nearly every night in the show, holding up hoops for the lions to jump through, admiring the hard muscles of his body. He was just two years younger than her, but already he looked like a man.

It came to no surprise, however, just how fast she fell for a man one night when Claire was introduced to a young investor by the name of Philip Wylie. He was in New York to see the show and was interested in becoming a partner with the Brothers.

“You’ve been with the circus for seven years?” He asked her over a drink one night. The show had just closed and people were still loitering around. She knew he was an important man by the fine material of his suit. Claire wanted to impress him, and help the circus bring in more money.

“Yes,” she smiled, “Joined when I was just a young girl.”

“That’s quite impressive,” Philip smiled, his hand resting lightly on her knee. “What is it that you do?”

“I help with the animals. Taking care of them, checking that they’re alright to perform for the night,” she placed her hand over his. Philip was at nine years older than her, and already she was smitten.

They talked for the rest of the evening and he escorted her back to her train car, kissing her on the cheek and promising to see her soon.

Blushing, Claire placed her hand over where Philip’s lips had just been, sighing as she leaned against the wall. Just then, Jamie came through the door, still wearing his costume from the performance.

He glanced over at her, his fingers deftly unbuttoning his coat. “Ye look happy.”

“I am,” she smiled. “I’ve just had drinks with a man who wants to invest with the circus.”

Jamie stopped undressing and stared over at her, noticing the glossy look in her eye and the red tint to her cheeks. “Ye mean that stuffy old man I saw ye wi’?”

“He is not stuffy! And he is not old!” Claire picked up a shoe nearby and tossed it at him, narrowly missing his head. “He was kind and charming, much nicer than you,” she rolled her eyes.

“Och,” Jamie grunted and finished taking off his coat. “Just be careful wi’ him. Next thing ye know, he’ll be wantin’ to take ye away.”

“And what’s wrong with that?” Claire crossed her arms, becoming annoyed with him.

“Well ye said ye wouldna leave,” Jamie turned to her. “Not for a proper job as ye say so I wouldna like to think ye’d leave for a man either.”

Claire’s mouth dropped open in shock and she crossed the small space to stand in front of Jamie, having to look up at him. “I’ve had a couple of drinks with the man, Jamie! Not accepted a proposal!”

“Forget I said anythin’,” Jamie ran his hands back through his hair, turning to leave to another car.

“Fine,” Claire huffed. “I’ll do just that, Jamie Fraser.”

He glanced at her, his eyes full of something Claire didn’t quite recognize before sliding the door closed and leaving her there on her own.

She knew it was important for Philip Wylie to want to invest in the circus, so perhaps she had flirted a bit too much and let him place his hands a little too high on her leg. But nothing would come of it, and besides… Claire would never leave the circus. Not for a real job, and certainly not for a man.

Outline for this fic:

Chapter 1: 1919. Claire’s background. She runs away to the circus, meets the Fraser’s

Chapter 2: 1919. Claire’s first day at the circus, she helps the Fraser’s and then Brian asks her what she’s good at. She tells him that her father was a vet and she was always around to help. He tells her they have a vet but she can be his young apprentice.

Chapter 3: 1926. Claire meets Philip Wylie. Two days later one of the animals gets sick and she stays overnight to keep it company. Jamie finds her and stays with her, on the other side of the train car. They talk more about what Claire would do if she left. Jamie tells Claire about Willie and how he died of the Spanish influenza when they came here. Claire asks him why they came to America, but he won’t talk about it.

Chapter 4: Jump forward two weeks later, and Claire has drinks again with Wylie. She kisses him and he puts his hands on her. Jamie sees them kissing and thinks that Wylie is trying to hurt Claire so he goes over and punches the guy. The next morning, Wylie shows up with a black eye and forgives Jamie, and says he’ll invest in the show on one condition - that Claire marries him.

Chapter 5: Claire feels like she has to marry Wylie to save the show and also she tells herself she loves him. Jamie is jealous, because he’s been in love with Claire since he first met her. That night he gets distracted at the show when he sees Wylie whispering into Claire’s ear and the lion scratches him. Jamie is rushed into the medical tent and the show continues. Claire helps tend to him and cries over him. Hours later as he is recovering, Claire tells Jamie that she’s going away with Wylie.

Chapter 6: Two weeks later, it’s Claire’s last day of the circus. Jamie tells her why they came to America. His father owed his uncles money, and after a time when Brian couldn’t pay, Colum wanted to show him a lesson. So he told one of his men to set fire to the small chicken coop, but a wind caught and it ended up burning down their house. They all escaped. Finally, she won’t have to be a girl on the run anymore. She will live with Wylie in New York City, and still be able to come to some of the shows on the east coast.

Chapter 7: Two months later. It’s two days before Claire’s wedding to Wylie, and she hears from him that the train crashed. He’s angry about losing money that he just invested and Claire keeps asking him if anyone is hurt. He finally tells her that six people died in a fire. Wylie tells Claire that she can’t go back to the circus, she left that behind and she belongs to him now. “I belong to nobody.” Claire leaves in search to find out if Jamie has died.

Chapter 8: Claire makes it to where the train car is. There’s still smoke from two days before and Claire finds Jenny who is crying. Claire thinks immediately that Jamie is dead, but Jenny is crying because one of the animals died. Claire cries with her and then asks about Jamie. Jenny tells her that all wounded men and women are at the hospital and so she takes her there. Claire finds Jamie and he’s badly wounded. Burns on his arms and legs. She sits with him and while he is asleep she tells him that she loves him and that she isn’t with Wylie anymore.

Chapter 9: Jamie starts to recover. He admits his feelings for Claire. He says they don’t have to get married just yet since they’re both young. He knows now that with a few of the train cars damaged, it’ll be weeks maybe months before they get back on the road. Jamie says that he wants to go to school and become a vet. Women aren’t allowed at school yet. They make plans to one day open up their own vet clinic.

Chapter 10: Once Jamie is out of the hospital, they walk back to the site of the crash. He tells Claire just how horrible it was. They both feel sad that this part of their lives is coming to an end. Jamie’s parents tell him that they will stay with the circus as long as they need. Jamie takes Claire back to the small hotel room and they make love for the first time with each other.

Epilogue: nine years later, Jamie has graduated from vet school and they have their first clinic open. They already have two children and live in the country, where Jamie travels to work. They have a whole farm of animals.

#walking the tightrope #alternatively titled rewrite the stars but can't use that name now can i #unfinished fics #outlander fanfic #outlander #outlander fanfiction #what could never be

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books i read in april.

this is going to be my thing from now on. i'll compile a list of all the books i read in a month and share my thoughts on each one every end of the month.

just so you know, i'm a little forgetful, and i have a tendency to forget names, plots, and other details. i'm hoping that writing these will aid my memory in recalling how i felt about each novel.

you can also find me on goodreads

so, let’s begin, shall we?

101 essays that will change the way you think (wiest, brianna)

self-help book

this book got off to a good start! some of the essays written (or should i say a collection of articles originally published on the thoughtcatalog website) made me think and consider my outlook on life, love, and so on.

the title overstates the case though. when i think of an essay, i picture something more argumentative and philosophical. not to mention that the majority of the ideas in this book are redundant. it made it difficult to get through. nonetheless, i was able to get past it because there were so many fantastic concepts and topics discussed.

overall, it's an interesting & worthwhile read for those who enjoy thinking outside the box.i lost count of how many times this book gave me aha moments. i swear, most of the entries soothed my mind and provided a great pick-me-up when life seemed to be frustrating.

the midnight library (haig, matt)

science fiction, fantasy fiction, psychological fiction

regrets, self-remorse, what ifs, family approval, drugs, dreams, love, passion, hatred, death, afterlife, multiverses, quantum physics, and a plethora of possibilities packed into a 304-page book.

i'll be honest: this book is already on my list of favorites. i'm simply blown away by how well-crafted and diverse the entire story unfolded.

a sci-fi novel with a dash of fantasy and a smidgeon of philosophy. if that's your thing, you should give this book a shot.

the first few pages of the book gave me an impression and led me to surmise it was going to be a cheesy ass chick lit novel that i'd only read and find enjoyable in high school. i was completely off base. it proved to be very mature, full of lessons, but delivered in a fun and entertaining manner— exactly my cup of tea.

it reminded me of a disney pixar film called soul, in which the afterlife is depicted in vivid detail. they differ on so many levels, but they both imagine life after death for people who are unsure of their path, purpose, and passion.

every chapter served a significant concept, so this book is well-deserved of a 5-star rating!

norwegian wood (murakami, haruki)

fiction, romance novel, bildungsroman

as i read the book and neared the end, all i could think about was how this book became one of murakami's most popular and influential works.

murakami offers a sprawling glimpse into the lives of a group of severely damaged youths grappling with the realities of what emptiness entails. take what you will from it.

i know a lot of people like it, which is fine. but please keep in mind that this book hit me square in the gut. it alternated between making me angry, sad, annoyed, and disgusted almost constantly. there isn't much else.

this book should come with a warning: "this is not a good place to start if you're new to murakami's works. this is not a representative of murakami's brilliance."

fist and foremost, the characters in this book are all repulsive.

toru watanabe was a fuckboy and a softboy rolled into one. what could possibly be worse than that? he'd have as many casual sexual partners as he could while also buttering a girl up by appealing to her emotions and displaying a "sensitive" and "vulnerable" side.

this book was made even more depressing by the fact that each female character was needy, weak, dysfunctional, and dependent. since they're all the same, i'm not going to go over each of these female characters one by one. you already get the idea.

reiko ishida, imo, was one of the best rendered sections of the novel. most likely because she had a better grasp on her emotions and goals than the still seeking youths... until, *spoiler alert* she wanted to do it with toru as well. a big disappointment.

to summarize, this book is primarily concerned with two topics: sex and death.

hidden meanings are everywhere, but when you get to the core, that's all that remains.

the four agreements: a practical guide to personal freedom (ruiz, miguel)

self-help book

first agreement ⏤ be impeccable with your word

this essentially means that you should not spew gossip or use words to harm others. because words have tremendous power and can cause significant harm. you are not only negatively affecting others with your hateful and thoughtless words, but you are also hurting yourself. this is something with which i generally agree. how i see it, when people are unhappy with themselves, they turn to others to make themselves feel better. as a result, they gossip about others in order to divert attention away from themselves.

second agreement ⏤don't take anything personally

alright. sure. don't let what others say about you bother you. it has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you. well, i don't entirely agree, but i think it's a fantastic idea in general. however, achieving this goal will be extremely difficult. i believe it would take a lot of practice to reach this level of zen. plus, i honestly believe that other people's opinions still matter because they keep you in check. the best advice is to not be swayed by these opinions, but to consider why they were expressed in the first place. see what you can do to improve yourself from there. sure, it can be difficult to deal with; after all, no one likes being told they're wrong or whatnot. but it's not all bad news because you can sometimes use criticism and judgment to give you a competitive edge. i mean- don't you think hearing someone else's point of view is also an opportunity to learn and progress? ruiz should have stressed that it's not just about "not taking it personally because you know you're not that person," but also about not retaliating with an extreme knee-jerk reaction even if you believe you're being unfairly criticized.

third agreement ⏤ don't make assumptions

this is a real eye-opener for me. i've noticed that whenever i become enraged by someone's words, it's usually due to my tendency to assume. personally, i can't help but make assumptions. i don't know what other people's motivations are, and i can't help but draw conclusions based on the information i have. even if the other person had no intention of causing me harm, it's too late. the thought has become ingrained in my mind, and i never ask for clarification out of pride or fear of appearing overly sensitive.

fourth agreement ⏤ always do your best

this section did not seem particularly useful to me. i mean, aren't we all reminded of this all the time? this section is filled with sloppy writing, in my opinion. as if he badly wanted to finish the book and impulsively thought: "okay, fourth agreement: always do your best. that should suffice. lmao"

overall opinion: the third agreement was my favorite, but the rest were a no-go. don't get me wrong, i appreciated his ideas, but i've heard them all a hundred times before. basically, the book's sole takeaway is that we are all suffering in some way in our daily lives, and we are all dealing with different issues. regardless, we all need to be kinder and gentler to ourselves and others.

the song of achilles (miller, madeline)

romance novel, historical Fiction, war story

i'll keep it short and sweet:

i really wouldn't have had this book any other way. miller's writing is breathtaking, so rich and full of lovely detail. it's incredibly a unique concept to me that authors are rewriting such ancient history and stories to make them lgbt+!

some suggest it's tedious, but i disagree. it isn't slow; rather, it is just right.

'cause at the end of the day, it's not about war, tragedy, or heroes - it's a slow-burning, organic love tale between two young men and their inevitable connection.

it's sad, tender, and painful, but in the best way possible.

circe (miller, madeline)

novel, historical fiction, fantasy fiction

"greek mythology, but with a feminist twist"?! sign me the hell up! this piqued my interest... only to leave me feeling completely let down. seriously now. circe was described as a "badass empowered woman," which was the single most compelling selling point for me, and thus the most wrenching disappointment, i must say.

sure, it demonstrated the value of feminine power, but it also did represent how this power can be a force of good or evil.

not to mention the fact that circe fucked a married man or two in this book- i mean- how is that an ~empowered woman~?

let's be clear right off the bat: madeline miller's follow-up to the song of achilles is epic in scope but not necessarily in execution. to me, this read more like a tedious island tale. regardless of how many five-star reviews this book has received... i just don't think it's well-deserved. don't get me wrong here. miller is a fantastic author with a lush writing! istg- i'm blown away by how beautifully she wrote and carefully chose her words. even the most mundane phrases were written poetically. after-all, it’s greek mythology. but how did she manage to make circe seem so... bland?

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