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dangermousie · 5 years

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So, Kushiel’s Chosen

1. This series is making me realize that I have a huge difficulty with fantasy in which religion is both a crucial part of the story and real - by that I mean, religious dogma is an accurate recounting of real events. Apparently I find “but God told me so” as an accurate explanation/excuse ultimately off-putting. No deus ex machina in the literal sense for me. I am hardly either an atheist averse to any religion or a hard-core devout person disliking fake religions, but there it is. That might explain my love for Phil Tucker’s Black Gate series - its take on religious society and rebellion against perversity at its core made me adore it. I wouldn’t necessarily have a problem with the d’Angeline religion (which isn’t that different from Hellenistic beliefs, anyway) if the narrative wasn’t “this is religion but also actual truth of what happened.” That just sets my back up.

2. That flows into my second point. It is no surprise Phedre is cut out for neither monogamy nor pain-free sex. I don’t have a problem with it because people have different preferences and as long as all involved are consenting adults, I don’t truly care. BUT. It’s one thing for her to tell Joscelin: “Honey, I only love you, but I crave sex with randoms and BDSM, neither of which I can get from an exclusive relationship with you. I put my needs above yours, so I am opening this relationship up. If you don’t agree and ditch, I get it, but sorry...” But instead the narrative is “OMG it’s my holy calling and my god literally commands me to suck strange dick while being whipped, why can’t you understand? That is so unreasonable!” and the narrative seeming to be on her side. When you bring religion into it, you automatically remove nuance from things. Phedre torn between her basic desires (non-monogamy, pain) and her genuine love for a man who can tolerate neither - that’s a potentially compelling, complex story. The moment you hand wave it as “well, there is no moral conflict, no issues of selfishness vs love or basic differences in understanding what a relationship means, because THE LORD LITERALLY COMMANDS HER AND SHE’S JUST SHOWING HER DEVOTION” you throw anything interesting out in favor of simplicity of thought a 10th century peasant might be proud of. And for a person like me, for whom either non-monogamy or BDSM are about as relatable as moon people, when you provide no nuance or exploration or psychological explanation but just “that’s the right thing per the Lord, shut up and worship some more,” it really becomes unrelatable and incomprehensible. “Because you are told it’s fine” is not a great explanation for a reader any more than it is in RL.

3. And that brings me to my third point. The precepts of this world are in conflict with application and I’d love the books to acknowledge it. The motto is “Love as thou wilt,” not “the more sex the better.” To me that mean that if you want to have a different lover each day, that’s fine. But if you never want to touch another person or if you only want to be with one person in a mutually committed monogamous relationship, that’s OK too. But in the world of the book, the precept only seems to be applied to the first. (And that is not getting into the fact that I do not get how they went from past goddess having sex with randoms to take care of her companion to sex for money is holy. It would make sense to have no stigma around sex work or to view sex for altruistic reasons like taking care of someone as holy. But “I sleep with peeps because I want a new hat” as holy doesn’t seem to fit.)

4. At least so far, these books are making a great case for love not being enough to bridge differences. Because I have no doubt Joscelin loves Phedre body and soul and despite her unorthodox to me lifestyle, Phedre loves him back body and soul. But I see zero way how they can work out without one of them having to betray their fundamental nature. The way these books are written, I am pretty sure it’s Joscelin who will end up giving in and that doesn’t sit well with me (not that Phedre deciding to become model wife would either.) Relationships work best when they are equal and I think here she holds all the reins. I never found Hyacinthe particularly interesting, but he and Phedre would have been a comparable match. They’d have a happy relationship with each other and bag five people a week each on the side and probably give a family award to the best lay of the year. But Phedre getting it on with every other person with Joscelin waiting faithfully at home is not like that and not equal at all.

5. The plot is interesting and the language is great. I just wish the central premise of the heroine wasn’t so alien to me.

#books #jacqueline carey #kushiel's chosen

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jq37 · 5 years

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I'll be the one that bites the bullet. Fantasy High episode 11--thoughts?

**spoilers for cool kids, cold case**

Hoo boy.

That could be my entire write up honestly because, geez ya'll.

Let's break it down.

Sidenote, I just got mildly into Overwatch so every time I say that and I say it a fair amount, I hear Lucio in my head.

Anyway, like I said in an earlier post, I'm now pretty sure that the bloodrush fight didn't go the way Brennan expected. Like either he didn't expect them to win or that they would win but not kill Daybreak because there was so much exposition and change and repositioning in this episode. It was a lot like the first session with all the setup. It's like he needed to get them on a new trajectory so he took an episode to time jump and change the status quo before--BAM. But we're getting to that.

In another show or even another episode of this show, the opening convo with Ragh might have been the wildest part of the ep. There’s just so much to unpack there.

Fig making him kowtow to Gorgug and everyone being like dude, stop making it weird.

Before she did that, Emily paused and you could just see every other person looking like “What insane thing is gonna come out of her mouth now?”

Kristen getting the scoop on his super gay dreams.

Adaine trying to get him to got to therapy (and also to realize that he's gay).

The group whole ass making him cry for possibly the first time?

Fabian trying to shut everything down.

“You’re cumming from your eyes.”

Kristen, please stop. I’m begging you.

As I suspected, the group reached the point of yeah, we NEED to call Riz's mom this ep. Like, they *had* to call her. You can only realistically take shenanigans so far before it becomes straight unrealistic to not just call a responsible adult.

And, speaking of, yay! We got to see a little of everyone’s parents just like I wanted/predicted.

We actually got a lot of stuff from my wishlist. There’s so much time jumping and stuff in this episode I don’t even know where to start.

This is probably the wrong place to start but I remember wondering what their Christmas equivalent was because they can’t have Christmas because of the Christ thing so when they were like Solstice I was like, oh duh. It’s literally right there. How could I miss it.

OK I guess

Christmas Solstice party at Gorgug’s house! I knew his house would end up being the hang house.

Sklonda handled the situation pretty close to how I thought she would. I really think Brennan was forced into a, “This adult is too responsible to not wipe out my next ten plot points over the course of a week,” corner and that’s why he had to pivot. More on that later.

Fabian just refusing to eat any of the fast food she got them.

I totally forgot Adaine has diplomatic immunity. Which actually means she’s the ideal Bad Kid to do anything shady they need done, even though that’s not really her style.

Unlike, other people

We’re getting there

I’m glad Brennan drew the line at Kristen’s parents actively being in a cult. He was like, OK no. They’re willfully ignorant but they’re not PART OF THE CULT.

I also think it’s interesting that they didn’t actually kick her out? Like they sorta kinda did but not really because it seems like she’s couch surfing of her own volition a little and staying home sometimes too? I wonder how her brothers are doing.

Both of Fig’s dads just work at her school now. I wonder is they commiserate about her w/ Goldenhoard.

I can’t believe Brennan is letting her just ruin the life of this random, full-adult dwarf doctor. Like, imagine if any adult in her life found out about that.

Brennan says bud a lot. Almost as much as he says rad.

Gorgug choosing playing the drums as his proficiency, but not well. Just, like, a simple drum beat. Bro. Why.

Adaine’s makeover!

I knew we were gonna get to see that. Or at least I really hoped we would.

And it was in boutique setting similar to what I imagined. A little surprised that she went straight for the jeans and t-shirt thing but dope. I want fan-art.

Also, if I hadn’t already been convinced, that scene would have convinced me that Fabian got everyone the gifts (before it was confirmed later).

“You’d look nice as a sailor.” Is that like a pirate thing, bro?

Real talk, does Fabian for-real, for-real have a crush on Adaine low key?He’s complimented her looks more than once, which he hasn’t done with the other girls. They’re at a similar social class which might be a factor. And he clearly has a thing for blond elves.

WE’LL GET TO IT.

I am Concerned about Adaine’s jean jacket, regardless of how dope it is.

Someone needs to talk to Fig about the rat thing. Possibly also Emily.

42069 LANE (or whatever it was). I hate that I love Brennan for that.

“The worst thing about you is that you’re rich.”

But aww, Fabian. I’m glad it ended up being him (and shoutout to the anon who pointed that out to me). This is exactly the character growth I wanted from him.

When Gorthalax said that tryouts had already happened, I was legit upset for Fabian for a sec. Also, how did I know Gorgug was gonna somehow end up on the bloodrush team?

Guys I feel like there’s still a million more things to talk about.

Adaine finding out about Riz’s dad. God I hope there’s a heart to heart soon but she won’t just drop that info unless she has a really good reason.

GILEAR. I can’t believe that was him on a NAT 20. God, he has zero game. Also, imagine Fig and Riz as siblings. Lord.

The return of Tracker. I was concerned that she was in college but she’s like a Sophomore so Kristen is good to go as soon as she stops being a total disaster so actually that’s probably a moot point.

Sidenote, kinda surprised that she’s a cleric. I thought she was off religion totally but I guess she just switched. But I feel like it’s hard to be totally non-religious in a world where gods 100% for sure exist?

Adaine going, “Mrs. Gukgak. Actually Captain Gukgak,” to her racist-ass dad gave me life.

OK so re: the whole conversation about perditional contradoxy and treaties and war and such. How much of that was in the plan and how much of that was last minute retooling by Brennan? Because, I’m going to be honest. If it wasn’t for that comment by Siobhan, I would never have guessed that we were off the rails. But, with that in mind, this feels like the work of a GM who needs to keep the game going because things ended up moving too quickly.

It does answer the question of where the story is going now that the Harvestmen seem to be taken care of. I was a little surprised when Brennan was like, “Yeah Riz’s mom gets them all arrested,” because I’d assumed that the bad guy was going to be just the higher guy on the totem pole.

OK, I’m sure I’m missing some things because this was a JAM PACKED ep so, if I missed something you wanted my thoughts on, please tell me and I’ll be super happy to write more words but let’s get into that scene.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

OK OK OK

Before we start, I’m so pumped about all of this development but I hate how often I’m going to have to type the word Eolwyn because my fingers refuse to accept that that’s how that’s spelled.

ANYWAY

Dude, the pacing, switching between Adaine and home and the rest of the gang at the party. Like, I knew what the reveal had to be as soon as she walked in but I was still like, “Oh my God. Oh my GOD.”

Sidenote: It was very convenient for Brennan that Adaine never actually read those books because it was an easy and non-cheating way to dole out exposition now, later in the game.

What were the mechanics of Adaine not being invited to that party? Did Eolwyn specifically get her not invited? Did she actually get invited but couldn’t go because of the dinner at home? Did all her friends still decide to go, knowing she wasn’t invited? Was she OK with that? How exactly did that go down?

EOLWYN

BUSTING into that party

Magicking up a bunch of LOVE SLAVE PUPPETS

SNORTING magic coke

Playing Spin the Bottle DEATH ROULETTE

MAKING OUT WITH FABIAN

CUT TO: I’M GOING TO KILL MY SISTER

DAMN BRENNAN, I did NOT Expect you to go THAT hard.

AND THEN IT KEPT GOING

Assuming they all live, I can’t WAIT for the, “YOU KISSED MY SISTER????” conversation.

Which means they’ve either never met Eolwyn or only in passing and not enough to remember her.

Shoutout to Riz for being the only person to give Adaine a heads up.

Her eyes glow blue when she does certain types of magic so I’m just picturing her walking into that room, eyes blazing blue, ready to F up her sister (even BEFORE she finds out what’s going on).

I don’t remember if she called Eolwyn a c**t in this ep or the promo for next but I was like, “Oh damn.” Like you got her to escalate her cursing that much that quickly? Damn.

Also, I love that when she’s really upset, Adaine skips the magic and just starts hitting people.

OK, so remember in the first ep when Eolwyn tried to have Adaine steal that book? The book that I’m pretty sure is the one they mentioned as having wards on it to keep monster stuff from happening at school? So, here’s what I want to know. Has Eolwyn always been a part of this? Because, clearly, it looks like she is right now. But it’s possible the original intent was that she wanted to get Adaine to do it as a prank, not knowing it was important and then, Brennan checked his notes while salvaging the plot and decided to work it in.

Also, unlikely, but imagine if Eolwyn somehow induced Adaine’s panic attack during her entrance exam to Hudol specifically so she would fail, have to go to Augefort, and steal the book for her. Wouldn’t that be wild?

Idek what else to say about that last ten minutes or so that isn’t just incoherent, Ally-esque screeching.

I have to say, battle eps are never my faves but I’m looking forward to this one more than any other one so far.

Man, I can’t believe I thought Eolwyn asking for that textbook might turn into a sister bonding moment. Lol @ past me.

Anyway, kick her ass Adaine!

#fantasy high #asks #anon #idk which anon #y'all can always ask me more questions if you have them #on or off anon #anonymous

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ask-white-fatalis · 7 years

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every odd number for the OC questions

HOO BOY.

1. What’s their full name? Why was that chosen? Does it mean anything?Shiro’s full name is Shironus AkumaWraths full name is Wrathanula AkumaKaze’s name is simply Kaze AkumaQuins (my hunter OC’s) name is Quintor Zenerith

3. Did they have a good childhood? What are fond memories they have of it? What’s a bad memory?Shiros childhood was horrid. for the first 100 years, wrath made his life a living hell in order to toughen him up, only to abandon him by exiling Shiro from his ancestral homeland for Shiro’s pacifistic beliefs.Wrath didn’t start as an asshole. he was a fairly average dragon and even at one point interacted with human beings. however, a turn of betrayal with the humans turn wrath cold and unfeeling.Kaze so far has had a good childhood, then again he is only 2 years old.Quin’s childhood was one of poverty and homelessness, as his parents were killed by a rogue Gore Magala when he was still very young.

5. Do they have any siblings? What’s their names? What is their relationship with them? Has their relationship changed since they were kids to adults? Shiro Has a brother and a sister. His brother, Kuro, Is a black fatalis and is his fathers favorite, often belittling Shiro about how little their father cares about him. Kuro has grown arrogant and crass, often womanizing with many female fatalis’s. Shiros sister is a creature even wrath fears because of how far he pushed her violent nature. given she is a crimson fatalis, the most violent of the 3 species, wrath had her trapped within an abandoned castle when she started to kill her own kind for sport. Kaze, Wrath, and Quin are only Child’s.

7. Did they have lots of friends as a child? Did they keep any of their childhood friends into adulthood? ((most of my Main OC’s do not have many childhood friends, whether being unpopular, an outcast or generally displeasing in general (wrath…). however, I’m glad to say both quin and shiro are making friends in their adult life.))

9. Do animals like them? Do they get on well with animals? Shiro, although a predator by nature, does his best to respect all living creatures, even befriending some that most fatalis’s would just see as a meal.Wrath has a stern belief that fatalis kind are gods among mortals, that every creature is below that of his species, some of which need to be eradicated from existence.Kaze is learning shiros more pacifistic ways.Quin, even as a hunter, has many monster friends, including a zinogre he raised from a lost pup.

11. Do they have any special diet requirements? Are they a vegetarian? Vegan? Have any allergies?Shiro, Wrath and Kaze are carnivores, and require meat to feed them. however, to keep up kaze’s metal coat, he must ingest ores, like iron and dragonite.

13. What is their least favourite food?Shiro: Rhenoplos, their hide is too hard to chew and their meat is stringy and tough…Wrath: of all of earths creatures, humans by far taste the most foul. and believe me, I have experience to back that up… -growls-Kaze: STONES TASTE YUCKY, BLEEEEECH!!! >:cQuin: Grilled cheese. …. I’M NOT WEIRD, YOU ARE!

15. Are they good at cooking? Do they enjoy it? What do others think of their cooking?((Shiro,Wrath and kaze cannot cook cuz they are dragons, and even in gjinka form they eat food raw.))Quin is an average cook, and likes to surprise his wife with many dishes. his specialty is pizza.

17. Do they like to take photos? What do they like to take photos of? Selfies? What do they do with their photos?all: … what are photos?

19. What’s their least favourite genres?Shiro: I don’t care much for those horror books… they really seem unnecessarily Gorey… and i care not for what the young dragons call “Wrap music”. Wrath: Human arts are a waste of time. if i want entertainment fromthem, I’ll just burn their beloved libraries!! HAHAHA! STUPID PINK MONKEYS!Kaze: ROMANCE IS GROSS, BLEEEEECHQuin: I hate anything with adam sandler :I

21. Do they have a temper? Are they patient? What are they like when they do lose their temper?Shiro has a lot of patients, but LORD HELP YOU IF THAT FUSE GOES OUT. Wrath simply kills you if you bug him slightly so…Kaze, as a kid and thus doesn’t have an abundance of patients, and often complains if he doesn’t get his way.Quins temper is fairly level, but has none for people he thinks are rude.

23. Do they have a good memory? Short term or long term? Are they good with names? Or faces?Shiro and Wrath remember everything that has ever happened in their 100,000′s of years they’ve been alive.Kaze has very bad short term memory and has a bad attention span.Quin has a decent memory but has trouble with names.

25. What do they find funny? Do they have a good sense of humour? Are they funny themselves?(( @monsterhunterayame asked this as well!))Shiro: what did the buffalo say to his kid when he went to school? -snorts- BISON!!! PFFFFFFHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH, OH YOU HUMANS MAKE THE FUNNIEST JOKES!!! HAHAHAHA!!!Wrath: the screams of torment of my victims the second before i rip their heads off! humans make the most pitifully funny squeaks~Kaze: POTATO! :DQuin: My friends have named me the pun deputy~

27. What makes them sad? Do they cry regularly? Do they cry openly or hide it? What are they like they are sad?If he ever gets into an bad argument with a friend, shiro will feel very depressed, and often think that he ruined the friendship he worked hard to build. he does cry, but not openly.Wrath believes showing sadness is a weakness unbefiting of a dragon, and will never show anyone the sadness in his stone cold heart.Kaze often gets sad if he squishes a bug, and will cry openly, asking shiro if he can save the poor insect.Quins sadness comes from the thought of the gore magala ripping his new life out of his grip, and the parents he lost to the beast.

29. What do they do when they find out someone else’s fear? Do they tease them? Or get very over protective?Shiro gets very protective of his friends,doing his best never to mention their fears.Wrath brutally abuses the knowledge of ones fear, often using it to torment his victims. Kaze is generally fearless,so he doesnt quite grasp why others would be afraid.Quin, if only for a harmless park would jokingly tease about the fear, but will immediately stop if he thinks he’s gone too far.

31. Do they drink? What are they like drunk? What are they like hungover? How do they act when other people are drunk or hungover? Kind or teasing?((Shiro, Kaze and Wrath do not consume alcohol))Quin does drink, but only the drinks that taste “fruity”. and if he gets drunk, he becomes very flirtatious, to the point where he bets he could shove a wine bottle up his… ehm…y-you get the point…

33. What underwear do they wear? Boxers or briefs? Lacey? Comfy granny panties?((for this purpose,monsters will be in gjinka form))Boxers: Wrath, KazeBriefs: Shiro, Quin

35. What’s their guilty pleasure? What is their totally unguilty pleasure?Shiro’s guilty pleasure: making purring noises when happy, and getting chin scritches.Shiros unguilty pleasure: Making friends!Wraths Guilty Pleasure: expressing joy.Wraths unguilty pleasure: killing.Quins guilty pleasure: SingingQuins unguilty pleasure: Raving about his wife, Naomi.

37. Do they like to read? Are they a fast or slow reader? Do they like poetry? Fictional or non fiction?Shiro,Kaze and Quin all enjoy reading fiction books, Quins fave being kaiju novels, whereas shiro and kaze like fairy tale fantasy books. Quin and shiro are fast readers,but kaze is still learning howto read.Wrath thinks books are a waste of time and prefers to just burn them.

39. Do they like letters? Or prefer emails/messaging?-All characters live in a technologically inept age in terms of writing, so all must stick to letters,-

41. What’s their sexuality? What do they find attractive? Physically and mentally? What do they like/need in a relationship?Shiro would most likely be Heterosexual however a certain fish gets him all hot and bothered so i guess its a bit ambiguous. in a relationship,shiro likes mutual respect and lots of small signs of physical affection, like cuddling. Wrath is Unfeeling, although he would only have relations with an opposite gender.Kaze is too young to determine.Quin is Bi-Sexual, and likes a lady with confidence and curves, and a man with a cute face and muscle, but not too much! Quin also likes physical signs of affection and someone he can have a laugh with and relate to.

43. Are they religious? What do they think of religion? What do they think of religious people? What do they think of non religious people?…. uh

45. How do other people see them? Is it similar to how they see themselves?Shiro: I HAVE ZERO REDEEMING QUALITIES! ;U;Wrath: all fear me,and all SHOULD fear me…Kaze: they think i’m a cute! owoQuin: I’m not sure really…i guess just some guy??? i dunno…

47. How do they act in a formal occasion? What do they think of black tie wear? ((Monster OC’s will again be refered to in their gjinka forms))Shiro is ALWAYS the fanciest and classiest dressed mother fucker in the room.Wrath doesnt care. Kaze is often told by shiro to dress fancy but often just likes to wear hoodies and shorts cuz they’re comfy.Quin dresses his best on formal occasions, and would buy a tux if it were necessary.

49. What is their most valued object? Are they sentimental? Is there something they have to take everywhere with them?For shiro, Four obsidian spires in a long forgotten valley are very close to his heart. every year he goes to see them for hours on end on one particular day.Wrath has a scar on his chest thats important to him, however, its to remind him to NEVER show weakness.Kaze has a scale from Shiro that he carries everywhere, to make him feel like shiro will always protect him. Quin’s only thing from his parents are his fathers Critical Brachydios dual blades. he takes them on every serious hunt he’s been on.

#GOD DAMN #LONG FUCKING POST #ask white fatalis #ask prompt #shiro #wrath #kaze #Quin #white fatalis #kushala daora #Monster Hunter

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thetrueoverlordbear · 5 years

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I’ll be honest: 2018 felt like a long year for me, and I realized that as I looked back at all the MTPAU posts I made for the past months of that year. Updates have been less frequent, and I hadn’t posted anything else during February. Still, it’s not like nothing good came out of all of that, so yeah, praise and thanks be to God Almighty very much because of that, then.

And speaking of good stuff, I should continue counting my blessings, and perhaps this sort of post can be quite a good way to do better~

But first, I’d like to get December 2018’s list of posts out of the way:

two reblogs: a Penman article about the UP Fighting Maroons, and a Beneath the Tangles Christmas post (written by Medieval Otaku) involving Gintama

Tobby’s Freestyle Rap Practice Compilation 11

“That Feeling of Falling That Jolts You Awake,” a KagePro fanfic inspired by “Additional Memory”

this year’s Christmas reflection

Now, back to what I was going to talk more about: blessings. I think I’ve said something like this before in my Christmas reflection this year, but anyway, blessings are stuff to count more than lack, and of course, it’s more difficult to do than counting zero and repeating zero over and over and over. I mean, really, think about the difficulty of going “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten” and so on compared to just saying “Zero” over and over and over again. Zero counting’s too easy for me, and I’ve been getting bored of it, though at the same time, it becomes tempting when the difficulty in counting gets higher and higher.

Zero counting becomes particularly tempting, though, when I try to count how many blessings I alone have brought upon myself:

Get it?

Now, as much as it can be real nice to feel like I can sing Drake’s “All Me” with confidence, that is something I can only achieve by lying to myself. Okay, so what does that leave me with? Self-deprecation like we usually do these days, especially online? What does that make all my growth, then? And what does that make all your growth? Social constructs created by the lying minds and hearts of humanity? If so, then why the freaking nuts are we still here, then?

Thus, I find myself seeing more and more sense in giving praise and thanks to God Almighty very much every single day. Oh, and I’m now an officially committed member of my university’s Christ’s Youth in Action. I’m quite surprised by how fast it took for me to get there, really…and I thought I was being lazy the whole time, going to all those gatherings because I felt the pressures of free time and parental guidance! God Almighty has been blessing a fool, indeed! Then again, Saint Paul already had a written note about that before in 1 Corinthians 4:10, so yeah, way ahead of me in the discovery there, yo…and that’s not even the first time it’s been proven that God’s been blessing fools.

And I could just refuse all those blessings and say “God, please let me prove myself by myself alone,” but as I have learned so many times before, that is simply an exercise in futility, for I’d be like the dumb preachers in Flannery O’Connor’s fiction pieces if I insist on doing that. Well, that, and God Almighty loves us as much as we ask Him to, and we can only prove ourselves when God lets us. Really, where does all the goodness in the universe come from, anyway? The void? Huh, no wonder I still find myself dumb and self-hating whenever I try to believe in me, myself, and I alone in living, then. Better not go tell others “Believe in yourself” without enough grounding, too. Does that make all the grinding we do pointless and unnecessary, though? Well, of course not, because we still have to teach each other about how to better count our blessings…and a bunch of us still don’t even know how to count blessings! I mean, really, just look at Our Lord Jesus Christ:

He is carrying a blessing, and He’s gonna be nailed to that blessing. Sound like nonsense? Well, think of the Cross like it’s work, dear. It’s real difficult to carry, and we get better benefits by being nailed to it.

Seriously, with how we complain about work every single day, we might as well call it the most humiliating thing in life, all because of how tedious it can be and how empty it can make us feel with all the painful routine for shining rewards that easily slip away from us. Nailing ourselves to it would also make us more of a laughingstock to our fellow fools, then. I certainly felt something like that (mostly from myself, considering how things usually go for me) as I thought about how I was cutting down on my Tobbywork time and changing up the activities there for the sake of more important stuff. But remember: Crucifixion was the most humiliating way to go in Jesus’ time and society on earth, yet God Almighty the Son accepted such a fate for our sake. He let us treat Him like a slave so that He could get closer to us and show that He understands how much we feel like slaves too. Hard to imagine slave owners doing that, no? That, and it would make the prideful catch feelings, even if said prideful were also a slave trying to break free. I should know, ’cause I’ve had times when I considered any good non-existent as long as it were surrounded by evil…and thinking about it some more now, that’s quite a dangerous and cynical way to think about things, no?

And hey, the fact that we can do good is proof that we can relate to God Almighty! He’s Perfection, after all, and if He looks shady, then that’s just us foolish humans making Him look so. That, and if we’re nothing without God, then the fact that we can do good has to come from somewhere, nah?

Now, what the freaking nuts is all that religious rambling I’ve been doing? Well, it’s something I’ve been doing more and more of with the help of my lovely girlfriend (We’re now one year into our relationship, OH YEAH!) as well during the past year, helping me practice and express my faith better and better, especially as she stays with me despite how hurtful, stupid, and saddening I can be a bunch of times. I’ve been doing that rambling more through voice chats than through writing before, though, and now, thanks to all that help, I have gained more confidence in being more religious in public. Huh, and I guess CYA (and a lot more instruments of God Almighty) has been helping me more than I thought. Praise and thanks be to God Almighty very much yet again, then!

Okay, now I should really go down to more ordinary levels and come out of the UFO I have been booming all my talk in. Like, I have been getting a lot of feedback, especially from school, about how my writing lately has been very…alienating.

See what I mean?

And speaking of school, I’ve been doing okay…well, unless you count how I’m trying to catch up for my thesis, which caught me not taking it seriously enough, no matter how much I believed I was. Like, I’m still stuck in whipping up a decent proposal portfolio for the prerequisite Poetics class, and that state was also caused by how ignorant and ungrateful I was towards my education, particularly my university (Seriously, I have this strong feeling that I pissed off my Poetics Professor real hard). Bad news is that I may need to extend for another semester past the upcoming one and pay for that extension (and the boarding house unit rent and more), good news is that I only have one other lecture class to accomplish in my curriculum. In other words, I have to take this more seriously and make something freaking awesome with all this time I’m taking, and freaking nuts, I know I can, especially with God Almighty around! I gotta count my blessings and teach others how to count theirs as well! And really, thinking about it some more, isn’t that how research is supposed to go? Like, we have to look back at all the good things humanity has done before, and then we go build something better out of all that! It’s not an exercise in envy, but an exercise in growth. If we’re gonna note mistakes, failures, weaknesses, and voids and all that, then they’re for us to fill, fix, and improve…but that’s easier said than done. Again, zero counting can be quite tempting with its crazy easy, especially while going through struggle. Still, at the very least, we can do better, and God Almighty certainly understands how we need to struggle to do so! I mean, really, take another look at Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Praise and thanks be to Him very much again, yo!

Now, although I found a potentially better idea for my thesis recently, I’d like to take it easy right now and set it aside for after vacation. Again, I struggle with rushing stuff, and all that rushing makes me wanna be more complacent. That, and with how older I’m growing now, I gotta remember to learn and do chores and relaxation better. And thankfully, my family isn’t overdemanding, and if they are, then at the very least, they really strive well towards understanding us better. Otherwise, they’d probably be doing things like going all stingy on me about paying for the boarding house unit I have right now. And man, I think I’m realizing how more about how stupid I’ve been to them because of how I ask them not to bug me during my free time for my enjoyment, all while asking them at times to bug me hard during my free time to prevent excess, as if I don’t have any bit of ability to do so. I guess I really shouldn’t complain so much when they go hard on me, then. I mean, sure, they’re not perfect, but still, they know better than me, and I gotta know what I gotta work with and how to work it well before I go learn about how to work it better.

And as for my siblings, I really should give them more credit. One brother has more street smarts than me, my sister has better fashion, makeup, and sports sense, and the youngest brother is learning how to socialize and live better than we all thought! And I really should cut my remaining living grandparents some slack, since they’re peeps who taught my mother a lot about how to give it all for loved ones, and along with that, my parents will be as old as them one day, and I’ll be as old as my parents as well. If I don’t have faith in them, I might as well have no faith in myself and the rest of humanity. Good thing God’s here to help us out in our strive and struggle, then!

And now, it’s time to remember what I have to deal with in my chores…and even relaxation as well.

So yeah, now I have to remember how much I good have with me as I work up stuff. I mean, why pretend to be from somewhere lower? Yes, even in rapping, which I’ve been doing more of during 2018. And yes, I now feel like I don’t need to pretend to be from some neighborhood that seems more impoverished than it actually is, especially after all the schooling I had to go through in many ways…Besides, if being rich and popular means being a clown, then hey, at least I got a decent job. Really, the world needs some better clowns too, yo!

Just look at one of my inspirations right here. I really wanna outdo him, y’know? And I know I can. I look up to Saint John Bosco as well, yo!

Besides, there’s no need to be scared of going religious while being a clown too, especially since being real means being weirder than fiction! Them big rappers out there are complaining about getting their styles bitten, too, so yeah, I really should help them out with that! And hey, I guess God’s telling me something, considering how I have a leader bro in CYA who has some nice appreciation for rap as well! Praise and thanks be to Him very much again, then!

Oh, and speaking of music, I’ve been making and posting song covers and other music stuff with a pace closer to that of the pace my faves usually take with their work. So far, my girlfriend’s getting more and more impressed, so I guess I’m going somewhere better! Praise and thanks be to God Almighty very much again, then! Also, I’d like some more and continued help with slowing down and being more careful with my work pace in general…Maybe I can even make and strengthen more friends through my work that way, too!

And speaking of friends, well, I’ve been feeling like I have really weird friends, maybe even alienating just like me, especially considering how I see cynicism and craziness prominent in a lot of them…or maybe they’re just doing a good job at exposing how cynical and crazy I myself have been. Or both…though the latter’s more likely. I got friends like Medieval Otaku, friends I consider wiser than me when it comes to the ways of God and the world. I got friends like silverbug28, friends I feel like debating with as well. And I got friends like PastorThomasNelson, friends I wanna go crazy with. Oh, and there’s also friends like Biwa/Kisaragi and YUuuu/Roa., who feel like really nice people to talk with, so nice that I feel shy and find myself struggling with self-loathing again, though at the same time, I wanna talk and work with them more.

You know what, I really shouldn’t be scared if I have friends who really are like this guy here…because I’m the same, yo!

Alright, I should just love myself, and at the same time (not one before the other, yo), love others and God Almighty. With that, it’s time to understand, acknowledge, and improve! Praise and thanks be to God Almighty very much yet again!

Now, is there anything else I consider worth talking about for this announcement/reflection/update post…? Writing? Like, fiction and poetry I made and posted as Tobby? Well, I consider “The Most Beautiful Challenge” my favorite original fiction piece I posted during 2018 (though I made it during the year before it), while “The Empress and Her Guard” is my favorite poem I posted during 2018 (and I also made it during 2017, I think). I also find my 2018 progress for my Fate Series fanfic Crawling to the Dawn impressive. And I also made one comic during 2018, and along with that are a new bunch of practice drawings, which also got me learning from a CYA bro that I need to work on my foundations (e.g. circles and lines and all that for figures and stuff), thus getting me motivated to some practice drawings for that:

You know what, I’ll throw in one more drawing I haven’t posted yet:

Note: This was made before the foundation practice drawings.

And with that…well, I’m back to zero again. Guess it’s time to end this post, then.

So yeah, that’s pretty much what 2018 got me, I think. I feel like I missed something, but I guess I’ll leave that to y’all readers of mine. I can’t just sit here thinking and typing about this forever, y’know! That, and I can and should make blog post writing less on-the-spot (e.g. setting an upload date and writing the post for a set number of days before that date). Besides, considering what I’ve learned, the best works of art are well-planned surprises, so yeah…and man, doesn’t that sound like something God Almighty’s real good at?

Praise and thanks be to God very much yet again, then. And hey, Happy New Year to all of you, too! God keep on blessing you all!

I upped my meme powahz for this one. And hey, Happy New Year, y'all. I'll be honest: 2018 felt like a long year for me, and I realized that as I looked back at all the MTPAU posts I made for the past months of that year.

#announcements #reflections #updates

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tinymixtapes · 7 years

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Music Review: Kendrick Lamar - DAMN.

Kendrick Lamar DAMN. [Top Dawg; 2017] Rating: 5/5 For Jill, who would have hated this shit. So I was taking a walk the other day… Sometimes, when I’m taking walks by myself, I make lists in my head of what’s going to get me killed: CANCER. CARDIAC ARREST. PULMONARY EMBOLISM. The worst part about being a hypochondriac is that this shit isn’t just in my head (as if that would make it any less valid); it’s all corporeal, it’s all in my DNA. I’ve had a BLOOD clot, my grandfather died of a HEART ATTACK while shoveling snow when my dad was six years old, CANCER killed my sister. Some say that LOVE can get you killed, but it’s FEAR that’s going to be the death of me. It’s in my DNA. I’ll prolly die from anxiety. What is Kendrick Lamar afraid of? On his latest release, Kendrick reveals that his greatest fear is loss, whether it be of money, creativity, LOVE, LOYALTY from PRIDE, GOD’s light, HUMBLEness. There’s a FEAR present here that no degree of straight fire will ever reverse GOD’s curse against all things black. Doubt and duplicity permeate Kendrick’s lines while he maps his way forward, but he delivers his thoughts with unmatched clarity. Kendrick knows even more now (or at least when he spits knowledge, it’s more succinct): murder, conviction, burners, boosters, burglars, ballers, dead, redemption, scholars, fathers dead with kids. When Kendrick takes a walk, he’s also making lists of how he’ll die, vivid in his imagery in a way that only somebody who’s almost died can be: “anonymous… with promises… walkin’ back home from the candy house… because these colors are standin’ out.” To Pimp a Butterfly saw Kendrick going home after making it out. This time, we hear him wrestling with whether making it out was enough. DAMN. Damn is a derivative of damnare, a rather mundane Latin word meaning loss or harm. John Ayto, author of The Dictionary of Word Origins, reveals that it didn’t become exclusively a theological term or an expletive until its original meaning was lost around 16c; its Biblical use is therefore contested, as its original connotation of mild condemnation does not fit what has eventually become synonymous with exemption from divine mercy. Its use on DAMN. encapsulates all of these historical permutations, as loss, harm, and exclusion (from both divine and mundane spaces) are all prominent themes. There’s a recurring motif, delivered at one point through a voicemail from Kendrick’s cousin Carl, of people of color being cursed by GOD for being inequitable and following other gods. Damn, as a verb here, is something that GOD does. It’s a top-down kind of smiting, but this kind of exchange is also present here between mortals. On opener “BLOOD.,” there’s a sample of FOX News reporters misquoting and deriding his song “Alright” after his 2015 BET Awards performance. “Oh please, ugh, I don’t like it,” one anchor says of its supposed anti-police message. It’s another, fleshier example of punching down, of condemning (or reinforcing condemnation of) a disenfranchised people. On “ELEMENT.,” a song that mostly eschews religious imagery for pointed digs at fake rappers, Kendrick uses “damn” as a participle, adjective, verb, and an expletive in one line, highlighting how those most affected by violence are pushed out of those very positions of power that could protect them: “Damned if I do, if I don’t (yuhhh)/ Goddamn us all if you won’t (yuhhh)/ Damn, damn, damn, it’s a goddamn shame/ You ain’t frontline, get out the goddamn way.” It’s a biting twist on Eleanor Roosevelt’s famous line, delivered as a sparse bridge in between sexy James Blake-produced keyboard stabs and grimy snares. Kendrick is asserting through this track that nobody can take him out of his ELEMENT, which in this case is wherever he’s at. While “damn” itself is used in a plethora of different ways throughout DAMN., it is “DNA.” that sets these permutations into motion through its sheer power, eliciting that initial reaction from its audience: “DAMN.(!)” Kendrick is cracking open his genes all over this thing with vigor, unravelling strands of his pedigree like a Pandora’s ladder, choking those who are offended by his inner duplicitousness: “I got millions, I got riches buildin’ in my DNA / I got dark, I got evil, that rot inside my DNA / I got off, I got troublesome, heart inside my DNA.” There are multitudes here, mutations, mutilations, meditations, millions. Packed so tight that it never stops popping. Unpacking it all is an impossible task. Luckily for us, trying is a Helluva time. I got so many theories and suspicions… As both a religious person and a scholar of religion, I’ve always been fascinated by religious rhetoric and imagery, especially in non-worship music. Biblical imagery is abundant on DAMN., but its intentional juxtaposition with profanity is what makes it stand out. Deuteronomy 28:28 is referenced multiple times and presents us with DAMN.’s central dilemma: “The Lord will afflict you with madness, blindness, and confusion of mind.” This is essentially a curse, one that Kendrick’s cousin Carl uses as an etiology for black suffering. This divine curse leaves Kendrick wrestling with two options throughout DAMN: keep defying it by succeeding against all odds, or guarantee everlasting life by repenting and coming clean. “YAH.” exemplifies Kendrick’s quandary: “I’m not a politician, I’m not ‘bout a religion I’m a Israelite, don’t call me Black no mo’ That word is only a color, it ain’t facts no mo’ My cousin called, my cousin Carl Duckworth Said know my worth And Deuteronomy say that we all been cursed I know he walks the Earth But it’s money to get, bitches to hit, yah Zeroes to flip, temptation is, yah First on my list, I can’t resist, yah Everyone together now, know that we forever” In one verse, there is both a rejection of religion and a reclamation of an ancient religious lineage. Kendrick respects his cousin Carl’s faith amidst adversity, yet offers that temptation is often stronger. Ultimately, Kendrick professes a message of togetherness, locating eternity in fraternal bonds. Attaining redemption, however, rides on making it out in America, a land plagued by its own inequities divorced from those that drove Kendrick’s people out of the Promised Land, America itself a land that promised radical equality for those who have been oppressed and suppressed. As Bono sings in “XXX.,” “It’s not a place/ This country is to be a sound of drum and bass.” U2’s chorus reminds us that America is still at war with itself and is so by its own cruel design. Three months in, DAMN. feels like our first Trump-era classic. It’s as bold and as hard and as hopeful as it is bursting with vitriol. It’s as distracting as it is inciting. It’s as cohesive as it is dense. It’s a volatile, unpredictable chapter in a legacy that’s followed Kendrick from Compton to Congress and now to the Cosmos, as we all struggle for meaning together in a Universe that’s on fire and covered in BLOOD. DAMN. is an expletive shouted into infinity, a judgment of our own judgments, a wrestling with GOD, a letting go of loss and harm, something that we could all give a little more of. It’s a DAMN masterpiece in a world that too often feels like a DAMN shame. FEEL (alternate version) I FEEL like my only accomplishments are reflections I FEEL like my privilege only silences my message I FEEL like I’m losing my GOD DAMN edge if I had one I FEEL like I never had much to say in the first place FEEL like, I FEEL like we’re on two different planets FEEL like I am part of a problem that I can’t fix I FEEL like too many people out prayin’ for themselves I FEEL like violence is a function of FEAR and that’s BULLSHIT GOD. DAMN. you GOD. DAMN. me GOD. DAMN. us GOD. DAMN. we GOD. DAMN. US. ALL. GOD bless every DAMN one of US ALL. Are we gonna live? Or die? “It is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be put to shame in any way, but that by my speaking with all boldness, Christ will be exalted now as always in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, living is Christ and dying is gain. If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me; and I do not know which I prefer.” — Philippians 1:20-22 “Pay attention, that one decision changed both of they lives One curse at a time Reverse the manifest and good karma, and I’ll tell you why You take two strangers, and put ‘em in random predicaments; give ‘em a soul So they can make their own choices and live with it” — “DUCKWORTH.” Two Christmases ago, my sister died of cancer. Around that time, I started experiencing stomach pains and frequent dizziness for no discernible physiological reason; part of me convinced myself that I had somehow contracted cancer from her ghost and that ghost cancer just wasn’t detectable. We weren’t that close, but as those holes have closed up tightly in her absence and my other sister and brother and stepmother and I have grown closer, I’ve realized more and more just how intimately people can be connected. Loss can be physically devastating. On hard days, I’m reminded more than ever before how violent disconnection can be. For a lot of people, life isn’t a choice; it’s a sentence. It’s hard finding lessons in what so often feels like a cavalcade of creative and destructive accidents. But here’s where hope enters: we have some control of that speeding, blistering motorcade. We can listen while others mourn, we can hold each other up when foundations bottom out, we can rebuild this house together, and we can forgive when listening and holding and rebuilding and forgiving seem impossible. Life is DAMN. hard, but it’s shit like DAMN. that make it a bit easier. It’s fresh air over a gravestone. Sunshine on an epitaph. GOD BLESS these molecules, bent on decay. So I was taking a walk the other day… http://j.mp/2oRE5gA

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conepines · 7 years

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On motherhood, sexuality, and Christians...

A friend of mine just shared this article in a closed group and I am so grateful that things like that are being written at all. Let me talk a second about my ideas about motherhood.

I was always raised being spoken to about my future husband and future children. It was assumed of me and probably every woman, especially in the church. My parents did not grow up religious though their parents identify as vaguely religious (muslims and catholics but like they eat pork and don’t go to mass or anything, it’s just an internally held belief system I guess). My dad converted to christianity and began serving at a church as a youth group leader. My mom became a christian after drunkenly asking my father what it means to be born again. When they got married, my mom had been a christian for like....not a lot of time. So she was thrust into the church sphere with very little independence in her spiritual identity. This is my take on it anyway, having not existed and all. Take it with a grain of salt.

Then they had me. They got married in July of 1990 and had me in August of 1991. My mom went from being a non religious single woman to being a christian mother in very little time. Her entire worldview was new. My father is a humble and respectful person, so learning biblical principles for the home like husbands love your wives as christ loves the church / women submit to your husbands as unto the Lord was not a terrifying proposal. Ideally, this adds up to two selfless people making sacrifices for and trusting eachother. My mother respects my father as the “head of the household” but truthfully they do operate as a team and he never exercises authority in a way that implies her desires and ideas are lesser. This is like....just really not often the case in other christian marriages. So while I was raised with these ideas, I couldn’t help but notice the way they are abused by others. Spousal abuse justified with that passage is sickening. But I digress.

The point is, my mother entered into a new sphere of reality and everything made sense for her. So raising me was very idealistic for her. Here was a pure, new being and a chance to show her the way life was truly supposed to work, and unlike my mother, she (me) wouldn’t have to go through 20 years of confusion and pain and existential dread before finally finding the truth. No, she would grow up loving Jesus and one day be a wife to a masculine, gentle leadership oriented husband and have her own godly children and slowly improve the world with the grace and humility of a wholesome family unswayed by the world.

Now...being raised this way, I didn’t think twice about the fact that I would be a wife and mother someday. I even opted to go to Bible college once I graduated high school because, literally this is what I would say, “I don’t want to invest into a career for myself because what will the point be when I get married and have a family and then don’t have time for the career anymore?” Which is logical if my heart’s desire was actually to be a wife and mother, but the truth is that I had zero other options. I was always told I could do and be whatever I wanted, but when it boiled down to logistics anything I did towards a goal that wasn’t ministry was heavily discouraged. When I was younger I used to say that I had a feeling I was going to marry a pastor. I knew what to expect from it from growing up with it and it just seemed like the right thing to do because nothing else matters. It makes sense that I would think that, since it’s all I knew. And my parents kind of took that as gospel. I had to marry someone in ministry, because that’s the right thing to do.

Once I graduated bible college with an associates degree in literally nothing, I was still single and returned home to work at starbucks. I had breakdowns every once in awhile after about a year went by because I had no prospects of a future. I had no path. I had no plan. What the hell was I doing? Waiting for someone to marry me? I was starting to hang out with more young married people, and my friends were getting married. The allure was GONE. Marriage didn’t seem like the dreamscape it had seemed like in the past. I was seeing young men who grew up being told wives submit to their husbands, and don’t watch porn for the love of God don’t masturbate just wait for your wife...and men whose mothers did everything for them because they were doting so heavily over their perfect little man. These men get married with no skills to take care of themselves and a boatload of sexual repression that they’ve been anxiously awaiting a wife whose duty it is to take care of it. They’ve been taught that their sexuality is of such high importance that a wife who refuses to sleep with them is being sinful. Hell, women are taught that too. I was taught that when you are married, your body belongs to your spouse and theirs to you. I understand this scripture, again, to imply selflessness rather than dominion. But hell if that matters to young christian men. Because when you repress sexuality, things get ugly. You can tell them not to watch porn, but they’re going to especially if you’ve quarantined it as some super secret thing and added the allure of forbidden fruit. Why not instead teach men (and women???) the way that porn affects the brain on a neural level by training it to respond only to supernormal stimuli, and the ways that can lead to erectile disfunction or inability to become aroused when you are with a real life partner? Wouldn’t having realistic information about sexuality be helpful for literally everybody involved?

I started to realize that marriage for its own sake was just not worth it. Growing up in a culture that assumes marriage is imminent and builds its entire framework of reality around in-home dynamics...was a weird place to decide I didn’t care about marriage. When people told me that I would make a great wife someday it literally offended me. I was horribly depressed living at home and a woman at my church told me she was praying for my future husband and I asked her if she could just pray for me, like about myself and my present tense, because I was miserable and didn’t care about men.

When I decided to pursue a career in education, it was because it was a career path I knew I could handle and would be welcomed into as a woman, but also because I needed a goal that wasn’t wifery and motherhood. An identity in that became increasingly bleak. Not because I was single, but because I was watching others go through it and be incredibly disappointed and it horrified me to watch people committing to lifetime agreements and slowly becoming disenchanted with life. Pregnancy and engagement announcements made me anxious instead of excited. That was definitely me projecting. I remember saying to my co-worker James that I wanted to have a career path underway before I accidentally get married and ruin it. That’s an insane statement, as he pointed out, and I can hear it hahaha but I knew if it happened it was going to screw everything up because suddenly I’d be a slave to someone else’s goals. How long did I have to be my own person? Had I even ever been?

When I gave up on my plan to move to Oregon and study Early Childhood Education, I moved to Maine instead and worked on a farm with a woman who was endlessly interesting, energetic, opinionated and big hearted. She was a Christian, but had too much life experience to be like my mom. We could talk about God and prayer and faith and church and scripture in a way that didn’t feel contrived and scripted. Like..you could go off script. You could say, “I don’t agree with that” or “i don’t understand that” or “that wasn’t my experience”. It didn’t mean our souls were in peril and there wasn’t an anxiety surrounding that. It was just freedom to speak about things in a realistic way. She never questioned my love for God and still commends me for never letting go of it. I don’t know what my life would be like now if I hadn’t met her.

One thing that sticks with me incredibly about her life experience...is her regret of motherhood. She loves her two sons more than she can even express, but the experience of sacrifice and pouring yourself out for someone else was expected of her and absolutely taken for granted. The fact that her children call her out of obligation on her birthday and Mother’s day sickens her so much that she dreads it. They were raised by a single mother who busted her ass after leaving their deadbeat father, working incredible hours to give them a good life with the added stressors of being a woman trying to make it alone. Trying to provide for a family by yourself is hard enough, and being a woman makes it worse. I don’t think her sons will ever understand her experience, and they don’t care because they are two successful men. When you’re a successful man, nothing in the entire world matters to you at all. Or so it seems.

Now I work at the newspaper with two other people close to my age, the rest are in their 50′s and up. They have children who are older than me and still live at home. They constantly talk about how exhausted they are by it. One of them has a daughter who got into a domestic violence incident with her childrens’ father and pulled a gun on him. My coworker was in the middle of it for months, helping get the kids to school and between the two parents so they wouldn’t break the restraining order against eachother. Another coworker moved in with her adult son after her husband died, and he pushed the bills onto her and quit his job. His son was running an electric space heater on the top floor and racked up a $300 electric bill that she had to pay. Another has a daughter who just cannot keep her head above water between high monthly costs of living and low paying jobs that she qualifies for. A common qualm. These people assumed that their children would have independence by 18, move out and make something of themselves in the world. What they didn’t account for is how much more unfair the world becomes by the day. Some of their kids literally cannot get the resources to change their circumstance. Some of them are just lazy. Some are sickeningly anxious and can’t fully detach without having an absolute meltdown, because the world is a madhouse. Parenthood never ends.

When I had a minor surgery and got the bill, I mentioned the cost to a friend of mine who had just had a baby and she told me about the cost of that. I had no idea how expensive it was. Just having a baby. Becoming pregnant. Costs thousands of dollars.

You get pregnant, you have a million doctor visits and ultrasounds...you work until you’re so uncomfortable you can hardly function but you can’t afford to stay home, then you have the kid and get maybe 6 weeks for your body to heal and arrange for day care since you can’t afford not to work and in most cases that’s around $40 a day. Having a child sounds like a punishment. Your body is destroyed. Your future belongs to someone else who won’t even notice. You’re never going to escape debt. And the older they get, the more it requires. They have to go to school by law, but school is ridiculously ineffective and fosters anxiety and violence. Not to mention it’s being severely underfunded and that’s only getting worse under our new administration. You’re set up to fail in every single way.

The only thing that would ever make this experience worth it....is truly wanting to be a mother. As I learned, even the genuine and endless love for your existing children does not outweigh the grief of not enjoying parenthood. Motherhood is an incredible experience for some, and they can weather the hardships because they have something that fulfills them. Others are not fulfilled and aren’t able to talk about it.

I understand, with the way I was raised, why having children and being a mother is so revered and anticipated and encouraged. But I do not want it. It is not practical for my life. I don’t want to have children. When people tell me, “oh, you’ll change your mind, i never wanted to have kids but look at me!”, I want to cry. I don’t care how your experience went. All I know is every time someone told me “do this thing or you’ll regret it”, they have been absolutely wrong. I wish it wasn’t assumed that every woman would love motherhood if given the chance to experience it. I literally feel guilty at the idea of pregnancy.

I could talk about this stuff forever but I have to pee really bad and Sean’s roommate just got in the shower and I have to go get my name change official’d up at the social security office so I should really get going. I just had a lot on my mind reading that article and thinking about the way I was conditioned to think about lifetime commitments like marriage and motherhood and I’m just really, really glad I didn’t get married super young (25 is still pretty young but I was ready to get married like in my teens) and start building the fake dream life I thought I was supposed to want, because realizing later that it’s not me would have been devastating to everyone involved.

#not pregnant plz don't worry #and for the love of god don't be excited if you ever find out i'm pregnant

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lovestructionworld · 6 years

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“Power Trip” LFM #35 December 14, 2017

As a preface to the forthcoming message, I want to share a testimony to the love and power of the Holy Spirit. Sometime in 2016 I met a determined salesman at Best Buy in Cool Springs while my oldest son Reid and I were shopping for a sound bar. During the first thirty minutes of sound bar discussion, I had been asking the Holy Spirit for the "in" with my salesman to discuss his soul condition and relationship with Jesus Christ. I don't pursue everyone. I only do it as the Lord leads. And then I saw the opening (it was just a knowing of "now") and asked him if he believed in Jesus Christ as the Son of God? His thoughtful and immediate first response was, "I'm an atheist". And quite frankly I can't even remember all the fine details to the conversation. But at the end, I asked if I could pray for him right there in the store. And I could tell the Holy Spirit had moved him while I was praying. But he rejected the first call to Jesus. We then agreed to meeting for breakfast. This man needed to see the non=religious love of Christ. Over the next year, one breakfast turned into between 5 to 10 breakfasts (I can remember the total). There were several more calls to Jesus, which he kindly rejected, but he had moved to "conviction/considering Jesus". I found out that the young man was the son of Seminary Founder in Australia who was also a Pastor. He was also a grandson of a Pastor and he was a nephew of a Pastor. Those breakfasts turned into, honestly, a fairly lame deliverance meeting that I shut down because of his bitter and unfounded anger toward his parents. The demons had twisted him into believing his parents were responsible for his rebellion. The Holy Spirit unraveled that lie. But he still really didn't want to forgive them. But what I did find out from the move of the Spirit in this deliverance meeting was his bitter anger and rebellion had been the open door to the attack of the demon named atheist. One perfectly timed very strong personal difficulty, upon another very strong personal difficulty began to break him of his stubborn anger to the point he gave his life to Jesus literally on his knees with his elbows on the back bumper of my Toyota truck in the Cool Springs Cracker Barrel parking lot. He was so desperate cars were driving by us both with him on his knees and he could have cared less. Tears were flowing from his eyes. He immediately began setting things right with his parents and wife. Life started coming back together in a powerful way. And this last July this man and his wife made a public confession of Christ and I baptized them both in water at Belmont Church. Today, his once broken and teetering on divorce marriage with two children attached is thriving and his wife is pregnant with their third child. And he knows he has heard from the Lord that he is supposed to follow in his father's footsteps as Preacher, Teacher and Pastor. After his baptism, I heard the Lord say to me "Pass him off to your new Pastor". My Pastor is discipling and counseling him for his coming journey.

I didn't do this. I just had love in my heart and obeyed what I heard the Holy Spirit said do. Praise to the living God!!! The impact on this country and our world is tremendous with any soul newly coming to Christ. But what blood might be on our hands if we don't share the Gospel of Jesus Christ and Him crucified.

"If I say to the wicked person, 'You will surely die,' but you do not warn him--you don't speak out to warn about his wicked way in order to save his life--that person will die for his iniquity. Yet I will hold you personally responsible for his blood." Ezekiel 3:18

“Power Trip”

I would rather retake the country for Christ with Christ's love and power, than through the Fox channel, gunning up and Civil War.

If you are a Christian, you have to be aware that those who are unbelievers view you as a fool, simple-minded and irrational. So from the outset of someone finding out you are a Christian, you'll be somewhat repulsive to them. How do we reach those people who have so much disdain for everything "Christ".

I'm not against the next self-help, Christian Republican, Twitter celebrity with a new book and TV show that unbelievers won't watch and might even gag to as they fast flip through big hair, 700 club type channels on the Comcast box. Yeah, that sentence was too long. It's true though! But I'm inclined to think we have to get outside our personal issue spaces and conference mentality through the power of the Holy Spirit. We have to begin implementing what we learn in those conferences by soul winning. To do this we need the power of the Holy Spirit.

Think about the ways in which God dealt with those in the Old Testament who, in whatever shape or form, didn't believe in or avoided Him. He always used "power". Power equals "proof".

Moses staff, Angelic visitation, Prophetic insight and foreknowledge all made the rebellious kings and the common man aware that there is a real God. I'm thinking of rebellious King Nebuchadnezzar, Joseph's and Moses' Pharaohs and Elijah's false prophets and Ahab. Give pause to the incredible spectacle within scripture of God's power in those stories we all know.

In the New Testament, It seems that Jesus was more targeted toward the common man and even teaching the common man how to do what he did, which was to take spiritual ground for His Father. Jesus himself said, "unless you see signs and wonders, you will not believe". So what did He do? He performed with power, signs and wonders. Would it be any different today?

And Jesus didn't point to himself at the ascension. He pointed to the Holy Spirit so that we could do what he did. And I ask you, why would God operate with power through his prophets in the Age of His Temple presence and then with power through His disciples during the Savior presence of Christ and then somehow not want us to operate with His power now that the Holy Spirit is """"""literally"""""" inside of us. Makes zero sense! .

This probably seems simplistic. But the demonstrated power of God reeks havoc on the strongholds of unbelief and rebellion and is why Paul said, "I would rather you prophesy". Even the gifts of the Holy Spirit...the Word of Wisdom, the Word of Knowledge, Faith, Gifts of Healing, Working of Miracles, Prophecy, Discerning of Spirits, Different kinds of Tongues, Interpretation of Tongues (there are others), are here with us to bless and grow the body of Christ into an ever larger force going into all the nations. Yet many Christians have been trained that the power went out and down with the last Apostle who saw Christ. And today the bride of Christ more than lags in its growth across the country because of rebellion and false teaching toward the Power of the Holy Spirit. How many souls off the street and from the marketplace have been saved within your church this year in 2017? Many will have to answer honestly..."zero".

Wake up. I say this kindly and humbly. You Christian secessionists, that don't believe in Divine power for today, should stop blaspheming the Holy Spirit. You are in the USA minority and it isn't because of immigration. I curse anything that Jesus cursed and He cursed the fruitless tree and fruitless religion. I read where the Southern Baptists are losing people in droves. I've heard of zero revival in Nashville. There was a little outbreak of revival in Hendersonville, Tennessee twenty years ago. But nothing since. I could be wrong.

Christians cut off their noses to spite their face by devaluing the very weapons of the invisible spiritual war the Holy Spirit has made available to us..."they have Divine power to demolish strongholds"!!!

We all have gifts from God when we become believers. I became a believer as an 18 year old Senior in High School. Over the early years, I would call out things that would happen soon afterward. It would seem "coincidental" to me. Like me telling my x-girlfriend who was weeping over us breaking up that she would meet her future husband within a month to comfort her. She met her future husband two weeks later and they have been married for thirty years. This type of thing would happen to me pretty regularly, but I always chalked it up to a coincidence because of my mentors and minister's teachings. Later on after my Baptism of Spirit, I had a gift of faith to believe for the truth of God's power regarding prophesy. And I simply knew I had a prophetic gift.

Here is another example. I believe I've spoken this in a past LFM. Jesus loves unbelievers, which means I love unbelievers. Once I was at a New Orleans casino with business associates. Voodoo central!...Bourbon Street a few blocks away. Never had been to a casino and to make a long story short, I gave a Word to a mafia sounding man who had lost $20,000+ at a craps table and had been with two prostitutes in the last 3 days. He wanted to teach me how to play craps because he wanted "what I had". At the table he said, "I'm a bad person" and "Youse different". Seriously. Cracks me up! Through my sweat, The Word was that he was going to begin winning at the craps table. He had lost for 2 straight days. He immediately began winning over and over without a loss and the Word cut down the bob-wire to his strongholds of greed, sexual perversion and anger. He gave his life to Jesus in the casino bar. If I had carried a Bible into the casino and thumped him with it, he may have shot me. Ha! Who knows. But the Holy Spirit's power was released by Him. There is so much more to that story. But it really happened. It shocked my lukewarm Christian and Catholic business associates. They saw me bringing this man into the Kingdom of Heaven in this seedy bar.

Do you get how much love Jesus has for gnarly sinners like this Mafia guy. There are so many more true and "praise God He's powerful" stories I could tell you. And I have always said that I have many other Normal Christian friends who have these same kinds of stories. I just want you to read testimony. No bragging intended. But just like Jesus would perform a miracle right in front of the religiously minded, yet they still would't believe, many won't believe the story about which I just testified.

Muslims need to see the power of Jesus and they are, believe me. You may have heard the testimonies coming out the Middle East of many now having night dreams and day visions of this "man in a white robe" speaking to them like he did to Saul of Tarsus on the Damascus Road.

Convicts need to see His power. Greedy CEOs need to see the Power of God. The Jews need to see God's power. Unbelieving Gangsters, Accountants and Scientists need to see something called out in there life that only Jesus on His throne could know. The common man and woman need to see their children healed and their strongholds dealt with by God's power. The power is the proof of God's existence and drives them to love Jesus Christ. Oh my God. This makes me so happy!!!!!!!

Many say "the Word of God is the power". Yeah and in the Word of God he says "I would rather you prophesy". Let's go ahead and dumb down "prophesy" with "that means just quote scripture to them". These testimonies and the 10,000 power moves across the earth today by power gifted Christians cannot be denied! Do you really want to be in the camp of "having a form of Godliness, but denying the power thereof".

Maybe I'm only speaking to a few people reading this. But I pray the Holy Spirit's power move on you now for your healing and Baptism of Spirit, if this is you. Once you make a move toward the Holy Spirit like what I'm talkin' bout, you'll be on His power trip of a lifetime. Remember there are souls out there that are desperate for you to get what I'm speaking right now. See to it that the blood of Jesus flows over them as opposed to their blood being on your hands.

As always, much love intended.

Brian

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anamsaorreads · 7 years

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2017 So Far - Part Three: Narnia, Detectives and Shorts

Okay, so I meant to wrap this wrap-up up within three posts but I totally forgot about a book or two. This clearly only further cements why I need this blog for myself: I have a book checklist, I checked the list, but somehow ignored a couple completed ones. (Yay, photo re-shoots... not.)

Anyway, here’s a very vague and rambly discussion of all the leftover fiction I've read that didn't really fit in (or I hadn't the time to write about) with the other ones: some beloved children's classics, some Oscar-worthy shorts, and some Scottish detective-work.

I came to Narnia fairly late in life, receiving an omnibus volume of The Chronicles of Narnia, by C.S. Lewis, as a Christmas present when I was 16. I've really enjoyed making my way through it, I'm just taking my sweet time (don't judge me, I hope to finally, finally, finish the series by the end of the year). So far, it's wonderful, and it absolutely deserves the title of a classic. It's magical and enchanting, both in its narrative and its visual descriptions (that Creation scene in The Magician's Nephew, tho!). As such, I would never dream of saying a bad word about CS Lewis' much-loved fantasy series.

However, I did forget that I had read Prince Caspian... Twice. Again, I'm not saying that's a bad thing, it's more a reflection on me, I admit. I loved it each time I read it, and loved getting to one of my favourite parts of the series at the end (the bit with the boys at the schoolhouse, just brilliant). In this book, the Pevensies help a young Prince in mission to restore his kingdom to former glory, where knowledge, truth, tolerance and equality among all Narnian beings can once again reign supreme.

The Voyage of the Dawn Treader closely follows the events of the previous book in Narnian time (well, relatively speaking ). Set against the immature sulking, squabbling, whinging and disbelief of the most recent English visitor to Narnia, the children (Edward, Lucy, and newcomer, Eustace) join the reigning King Caspian on an Odyssey though some magical new lands, in search for loyal Lords banished by the previous ruler. Each island they visit has its own unique fantastical features and challenges for the merry band to overcome. With dragons, mermaids, angels, even to the end of the world, the visuals descriptions and atmosphere are enchanting.

My one criticism is the prevailing sense of the series favouring traditional gender roles, and the pigeon-holing of Lucy as healer (and whinger) - I was really hoping she'd get to wield a sword at some point! I can forgive Aslan's deus ex machina appearance purely based on how wonderful the stories are, and because it seems like a running theme through the series. Dealing with the idea of (Christian) faith for a younger audience, the Pevensies' faith, and its effects, remain childlike, or else they lose access to Narnia. The idea of a mature faith is never really addressed, at least not at this point in the series. There's a good argument for a theological discussion of the series, but perhaps I'll wait until I've read them all (and maybe reread some of them).

I ordered Stories of Your Life and Others by Ted Chiang without realising that the title-story was the basis for the Oscar nominated film Arrival (which I wanted to see but hadn't at the time). I was in the market for another short story collection and some sci-fi (the collection as a whole is speculative fiction: some sci-fi, some fantasy, etc.). As far as I can recall, this collection was my first foray into sci-fi literature (I love a good sci-fi movie, though) and to be honest, I have mixed feelings.

I read "Story of Your Life" first, just in case I suddenly had to watch the movie, and I really enjoyed it! I don't want to give away too much if you haven't read it, and because the way it's written and the whole structure is integral to the story, but in short, it is a mother telling her daughter's life story and how the mother was affected by her interaction with extraterrestrials who make contact with Earth. I found it very imaginative and intelligently written, and although I loved the film too, the story explains things a lot better, and portrays everything in a much more nuanced, precise and delicate way that just wouldn't be possible with film.

I wasn't blown away by a lot of the other stories, specifically the sci-fi ones; some felt too similar in structure and tone to "Story of Your Life," ("Division by Zero"), or a little bit unoriginal (I didn't feel like "Understand" offered much more than what I have already seen in movies like Limitless or Lucy), but I also think there are some great concepts in there, and while I don't think they all worked, as such, it is a very intelligently written collection.

I did really enjoy two of the stories with more religious themes, "Tower of Bablyon" and "Hell is the Absence of God," the former calling to mind a very strange electro-acoustic album, "Babel" by Roger Doyle, part of which I had to study in school, the latter being Nick Cage's best bet for saving his career (it feels like the weird lovechild of Knowing and Left Behind, except, you know, actually good). That said, I hated "Seventy-Two Letters." Despite the charming steam-punk vibe, and interesting concept (using certain combinations of letters that allowed the animation of inanimate models to solve the problem of human fertility) it was too long, drawn out, and, in my un-expert opinion, poorly plotted. I'm sure some of you will disagree, but it left a bad taste taste in my mouth upon finishing the collection.

I had hidden my copy of Strip Jack away (it didn't quite fit on my feature shelf and I'm pretty short on space right now), so I forgot that I'd read it earlier this year. After being caught at an Edinburgh brothel during a police raid MP Gregor Jack's PR nightmare only gets worse as he becomes a person of interest in the disappearance of his wife. Inspector Rebus must find out if he is involved or if someone is trying to frame him.

This is the fourth book in Ian Rankin's prolific Inspector Rebus Series, and the second of his books that I've read. While his first novel, Knots and Crosses (see my 2016 Review) was an exciting pursuit of serial killer personally targeting Rebus, this installment focused more on political intrigue and complicated romantic relationships. Politics bores me in general, so I wasn't quite as enthralled by this story, though I did enjoy it in the end.

It's witty and relatively fast-paced and the changes seen in Rebus' character and person story-line definitely make me want to read more. His storyline doesn't seem to have such an impact on reading experience that they must be read in order, which is nice. I haven't read many other detective/crime novels (apart from a couple of the Sherlock Holmes novels) but I'm liking this series so far.

I'm really looking foward to reading more Rebus, and hopefully finishing off The Chronicles of Narnia this year.

I definitely want to read more short stories and science fiction too. Anyone got any recommendations?

What are your thoughts on the books mentioned above? Did I completely miss the point of Chiang's collection?

Next post: Non-Fiction

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