#also realizing I've been posting the wrong tag for two years

[livingbrother]

LO and it's portrayal of S/A

A rant by someone who just finished EP. 98 and is incredibly furious

Cw: Mentions of S/A, it's effects, too much swearing, ED mention, personal stuff that happened to yours truly, lots of other stuff too, just no idea what to tag it as

Don't read this if you're not mentally doing well, I don't want you getting hurt because of my post, I love you, feel better soon

Boy. Oh fucking boy. I just got through episode 98 of this shit show and, I'll just say, I am beyond furious. Livid, in fact.

For context, I am a survivor or sexual abuse and mental abuse, I have dealt with those who act sort of like Apollo, I was never raped, but I was molested as a child. I, as a survivor, feel nothing but rage at how Rachel portrayed Apollo being a rapist. The way he acts is incredibly unrealistic for an abuser, as somebody who dealt with two abusers with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (I'm not saying everyone who has NPD are villains, I'm just saying what I went through), I see what Rachel was trying, but oh so tragically failed, to do. He tried to control, manipulate, and gaslight Persephone. Only for none of it to work, that's not how ANY of it fucking works!

Where is the fucking control, other than just fucking raping her? I get he wants to take the power away from her and be the one to control her, but I've seen none of that! I get she has PTSD over it (I'LL GET TO THIS POINT AGAIN). I NEVER GOT THE SENSE THAT SHE WAS POWERLESS EXCEPT FOR THAT ONE SCENE. I HAVE NEVER SEEN HER QUESTION IF THAT WAS HIS INFLUENCE PICKING HER DRESSES, OR FUCKING EVEN HER FOOD! WHEN I WAS LIVING WITH ONE OF MY ABUSERS, SHE'D PICK OUT MY OUTFITS, ONE'S I HATED, AND I STILL CHOOSE SOME OF THOSE OUTFITS, TO THIS DAY! WHERE WAS HER LOSS OF CONTROL? SHE NEVER FELT ISOLATED, SHE NEVER FELT LIKE SHE WAS TRAPPED. YES. SHE WAS TRAPPED IN THAT ONE ROOM WITH HIM, BUT EVEN THEN! SHE HAD LEVERAGE OVER HIM WITH THE FUCKING LYRE. Ugh.

About her realizing she was raped, um. Excuse me? A lot of victims don't realize they were raped or abused until like, months or years later. I'm glad for the ones who instantly realized it, good for them. Given Persephone's personality and experience with the world, she wouldn't have known it was rape because she's not accustomed to dating and sexual culture. On top of that, she isn't really seen actually distressed when she remembers, oh, and lets not forget that she WAS FUCKING FINE WITH TOUCH AND PHYSICAL FLIRTING DAYS AFTER HER ASSAULT. Let me remind you that I have been through this thing myself, you do not just omg I was just assaulted! time to go let someone touch me! Nonono, you spend years jumping when people touch you, years of moving when someone tries to grab your shoulder, years of pushing someone's hand off your arm, years screaming when you get a hug. And then, maybe from flashbacks, maybe from googling things, you discover you were molested! And then it alllllll makes sense. I understand if she became hypersexual, cause same, but that usually doesn't set in until a good long while.

I also hate how Apollo is written, he should have stayed as a shitty ex boyfriend or whatever the fuck Rachel was gonna make him, he just comes across as a cartoonish villain than an abuser. The man just fucking rubs his hands together and fucking goes I'll get you next time my pretty! I fucking HATE his writing so goddamn much. I understand wanting to make him pushy, egotistical, and insecure, they're some of the hallmarks of the pushy nice guy she was going for. But when it comes to him being abusive, it's like watching a bad joke. Rapists don't usually, you know, CATCH FEELINGS FOR THEIR VICTIM (correct me if I'm wrong), unless it's to lure them back in to hurt them again. She made him so obviously evil it hurts, abusers don't usually act that way, they put on a pretty smile, act kind, and behind closed doors, act shitty. I respect 97-98 for getting that part right, but too many times, too many fucking times Rachel has gotten that wrong. I have dealt with this myself, my mother did this exact thing, she even put on the pretty smile for me so even I, somebody who knew he was being tormented, questioned whether or not I was being abused! We never see this with Persephone! We never see her getting gaslit with this, she never questions her reality! She knows everything that's going on for sure! I know what Rachel was aiming for, and she failed miserably!

God, on top of this, we never really get to see Persephone's PTSD unless the story fuckin says Apollo's here! She's never really fucking affected by her rape, we don't see her jump from touches, refuse sexual advanced from Hades, yeah, sure, we see her afraid of camera flashes, but that's about it!!!!!!!! She never really experiences the effects of s/a! I developed an ED and agoraphobia from my abuse! Where the fuck is that?! That would have been a lot more fucking interesting than the slop we fucking got!

I know I've missed some things, but I need to calm down before I pop a blood vessel. I might revisit this post when I'm less angry, I just needed to rant.

#lo critical #anti lore olympus #anti lo #rant post #rant #cw s/a #cw: ed #huge ass content warning

[plutothe-pup]

Thursday, November 23 — Instagram Stories: Post five IG stories from a single day of your character’s life. This can be photos of their activities and their friends, but also memes, news, funny videos, and other types of posts!

throwback thursday to when he was a busy boi in the summer okay. Good Morning Booboo --> Hit that gym for the GAINS --> eat up them CARBS for the recovery --> ew he needs to go to rehearsals in the evening --> scroll through the memes in bed that night.

@exsqueak-me @moon-yeongtae

#swynwrimo #swynwrimolauren #......it's all in one day ok #also realizing I've been posting the wrong tag for two years #am I going to change that #no #bdrpwrimo #bdrpwrimolauren #...also fine ok maybe I missed two words in that description until I copied it over here and was like fuck me

[cocklessboy]

So here's the thing about having a post break containment on tumblr: if you make a mistake in the original post, there's absolutely fucking nothing you can do about it.

The people reblogging once you realize your mistake aren't reblogging it from your blog. They're reblogging it from someone you never even knew existed. If you edit the original, it does not affect the copies already being passed around.

You can make an addition to the post with a correction! But here's the thing. Posts tend to break containment if they are tagged and people see it in the tags they follow. But reblogs don't appear in tags. Only original posts do. So your addition will only be reblogged by people who follow you, and it's pretty rare for a post with a correction added in a reblog to break containment in the same way as the original.

So you wind up getting a lot of reblogs with angry comments about how you're wrong (and that's if they're being polite - the less polite ones will attack you rather viciously, which is not something I would wish on anyone). And even if you didn't make a mistake, if there's something you didn't make clear enough for Tumblr Reading Comprehension™️, you'll wind up inundated with angry comments from people who missed the point, and it's too late to go back and adjust your wording to make it clearer.

(That's why I'm making a new post for this instead of responding to the comments I got on the post in question, by the way. I'm hoping some of the same people who spread around the original might spot this one in the tags and share it around as well.)

So what is this about? I recently made a post about how a friend was worried that I was addicted to my ADHD meds purely because I said I look forward to taking them and they bring me joy.

The purpose of that post was:

Something bringing you joy doesn't necessarily make it addictive. (For fuck's sake stop being afraid of pleasure.)

Even if something is addictive, that's not inherently harmful.

Don't be afraid to take your meds just because they might be addictive. If they help you more than they harm you, take them.

I also made a comment about how my ADHD meds aren't addictive anyway. This is the point people have been pouncing on me about. So allow me to explain where that assertion came from.

My psychiatrist, an ADHD specialist who manages my meds: I know you're nervous about addiction and tolerance to meds, but don't worry. If you have ADHD, methylphenidate is not physically addictive.

My GP, who I got a second opinion from out of nervousness: Yup, your psychiatrist is right. You don't need to be afraid to take these. Take them as directed and you will not form a physical dependence on them. If you notice them getting less effective with time, though, you can always just take a break from them to remove any tolerance.

Me, after a year and a half of taking these meds: Yup, no addiction here. I guess my doctors were right.

So here we are. Two doctors and my own personal experience have assured me that ADHD meds are not something to be afraid of. Yet I keep seeing people afraid to take their meds because they're afraid of dependence. So why don't I do a nice thing in this post of mine and reassure my fellow gremlin-brained tumblrs that their meds are perfectly safe to take!

And to be fair, I've gotten quite a few reblogs with tags and additions and comments saying thank you, I was afraid to take my meds, even though they help me, but now I'm reassured that I shouldn't be scared.

And I think that's a positive outcome.

On the other hand, I'm getting some very angry comments from some people who seem to think I'm attempting to spread a vicious, intentional lie claiming that people with ADHD are immune to stimulant addiction and that I'm going to do all kinds of harm, presumably on purpose, because there's nothing I enjoy more than ruining other people's lives! 🙌

I would assume that anyone who thought about this for more than three seconds would realize that's not the case, but this is tumblr.

I've gotten angry rants ranging from "this author you've never heard of wrote a book where he defined addiction as inherently harmful, and therefore you're harming people by saying being addicted to something is not inherently bad!" to "STOP SPREADING MISINFORMATION!!!" to "OP is making statements that are incompatible with reality!" and folks? I'm real fucking tired of it.

Is it possible that my doctors are wrong? Of course! Doctors get things wrong all the time, especially when it comes to stuff like ADHD! But yelling at me from across the internet and accusing me of lying is not helpful.

There is nothing I can do about the original post. I can reblog it with an addition clarifying that yes, everyone is capable of becoming psychologically dependent on basically anything in a way that would be considered addiction, and yes, that includes ADHD people and their meds.

To be clear, this does NOT contradict the intent of my original post: that ADHD meds are good, you should take them, medication making you feel good is nothing to fear, pleasure is not the same as addiction, addiction is not inherently dangerous, and according to my doctors, who are fallible human beings but my most trusted source of information as of the writing of that post, ADHD meds are not physically addictive - as in, your BODY will not become dependent on them to function. This is the definition of "addiction" I had in mind when I wrote that post - and I think in a lot of cases the thing upsetting people is that we don't even actually disagree on what we're trying to say, but there was a miscommunication in terms of what I actually meant.

If I could go back and edit that original post and have it change everywhere it's been reblogged, I absolutely would. I would clarify where my information was coming from and what definition of "addiction" I intended, and reiterate that even if something can cause physical dependence, that doesn't necessarily mean you shouldn't take it.

But I can't. That post is out there now and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

Keep this in mind as you go forward in your tumblr journey, friends. If you come across a semi-popular post with a mistake in it, you can bet every bit of your ass that OP has heard about it many, many times already, probably in very impolite terms, and there is nothing they can do about the original post. Unless they're a massively popular blog, a reblog with an addition or correction will not be seen by the people spreading around the original.

And for fuck's sake, stop assuming ill intent on the part of people who say something incorrect online. There are people out there who intentionally spread misinformation, but those people are rare, and usually trying to get you to not vote democrat in US elections, not trying to encourage you to take your fucking meds. If you see a mistake, it's probably an honest one, and if you really want to correct it, be a decent fucking human being, be polite and kind, and try assuming good intentions on the part of the person who said it.

The person telling you to take your meds is not your fucking enemy.

Oh, and do me a favor and reblog this, please. I actually have very few followers so no one will see it if it doesn't get reblogged. Thank you.

#adhd #actually adhd #medication #ritalin #concerta #methylphenidate #addiction #misinformation #tumblr reading comprehension #stop being dicks to strangers online

[reflections-in-a-critical-eye]

I've asked myself many times over the course of three years about how would I react to information that comes to contradict a specific image I have about people. And the answer would differ, more or less, depending on a myriad of factors, such as my mental wellbeing, my attitude toward the fandom, the group, the members, etc. The truth is, I only knew how I would respond the moment it happens and I was pleasantly surprised in a way. I see it as a sign that I'm doing better or at least I'm on the path of doing better.

These are things that I didn't want to allow to come to surface in the way I used to handle the BTM blog. Perhaps because the point was to create a platform in which I could offer the rational, researched perspective which I considered to be the correct one. I'm not retracting any of that. I still believe that it is possible to offer a more complex perspective if I can back it up with knowledge from various fields, but it was also one of my defense mechanisms.

Without expanding on the personal reasons, it has become very easy for me to separate my rational and emotional side. So much, that even when I should be staying in the moment and let my emotions take space, I can't really do it, I need to come up with a rational explanation so it can make sense. I then applied this to BTS as well. I couldn't just say I like this group when someone would ask, I would have to tell them about all the studies I read and how my fascination is mostly intelectual, when in truth it was both. I used to talk about jikook only in the context of analysis, be it GCF through semiotics or various types of interpretations when it came to their performances or fandom reception in terms of their dynamics. It had to be in the context of rational fascination and curiosity because I was merely trying to justify myself on why I care that much about two strangers that I look at on my phone. Again, my intellectual curiosity is real, but that has always been only one side if the coin, but it was one that I pushed.

It's about shame actually. I can't actually accept that I have such an interest. It doesn't fit with the idea I have of myself. And sometimes I don't like it because it makes me question my intellect, my critical thinking. How can I be so good academically and at the same time I fear that I've fallen into a fandom trap? I'm smart, right? Right?

I'm sure a lot of people have dealt with or ar going through this process of cognitive dissonance. How does one deal with the mere idea that something they believe in based on their understanding of the world, their ability of decoding (not in a conspiracy sense, but in a Saussurean way) can turn out to be wrong? We see something that resembles a specific behavior that we are surrounded with our entire lives, sometimes we ourselves engage with, but we've identified it wrong on others? Of course, it's through the visual medium, one that is edited. It's a puzzle with large chunks missing, but we're getting a general idea of it. But we can be wrong. So how do we deal with that? Well, I don't have a correct answer.

Me in 2020/2021 would have been more affected because my mental health was not good. I was functionally depressed and I clinged so much onto BTS, Jikook and the small community that I found myself in at that time, that I would have felt a lot more torn than I am now.

A couple of years later and having to actually go through a situation in which my understanding of people's relationship might not be accurate, I realized I'm fine. And I think it's because it made me really register just now that I finally learned how to have fun with it. It took me three years. By having fun, I mean genuinely being able to simply enjoy the little things. I'm still on the path of not being ashamed for liking kpop or spending time talking about the dynamic/relationship of two people.

What prompted this post was reading what is currently being written in the jikook tag. Yes, I had this big introductory chunk that perhaps people won't bother reading, but I'm doing it for myself. If I can't be honest while writing stuff into the void for strangers to read, then what is the point?

I get frustrated very easily. I like debates and contradictory points of view, but not always. And that's because I like to be right. Almost all the time. So when I see something that I believe it lacks logic or I find it absurd, then my fingers are itching. I don't comment or DM people, I can control myself. I'd rather get out of the app and do something else.

What I want to say is I was surprised at how much fanfiction is being written. More that usual. Shipping contains a big deal of fanfiction by its nature. Gestures and events taking place at different times are interpreted and having information added that fills the gaps. People do that because they have to make sense of what they see.

They like to make relationship timelines. They speculate on first kisses and first sexual experiences. That's their imagination. None of us has any way of knowing. The element of fiction is heighted when people feel like they are losing control of the narrative. When they are unsure of what they are seeing. Which is what usually happens in the shipping community on a yearly basis. Anons flooding the bloggers' inboxes because they need confirmation or they didn't get any ship content in a month or two which means something is wrong.

There's this understanding that the shipper/supporter is delusional while the one who stops shipping is the rational one. From what I've observed throughout time and mostly now, that is a false distinction. The so-called rational fan makes use of fiction just as the shipper. The difference is in purpose. One talks about why the supposed romantic relationship is real and the other tries to refute that. But both categories seem to need fiction in order to build their arguments. That is because none of them have access to someone's private life and relationship, so the gaps need to be filled with speculation. There is no right or wrong version here, despite how much the idea is being pushed. And me writing about this won't make a difference. It's simply how the fandom works. The one who position themselves on the side of anti-delulu will always be seen as the less crazy one. The similarities will fade for the collective consciousness of the fandom.

I think it's difficult for a lot of people, regardless on which side they find themselves on, to accept that the option of simply not knowing is enough as well. Or knowing, but without getting anal about it. But it's hard and they write posts after posts, anons are sending asks over asks because there has to be a firm answer. Only a few allow themselves to be in between lines.

I'll bring back something that I always used to say. Shipping and involvement in the fandom is a lot more about us and less about the people we're talking about. It's about fullfiling some needs, of needing a community, of focusing on the idea of love. Those things can still be done in a way that still makes the experience enjoyable. But not everyone can and I'm not blaming it.

There's a way to just like how people behave with each other and imagine things without adding so much weight to it. Regardless of the true nature. It's our imagination, there's no need for a moral inquisition to tell anyone how to think or that they should stop thinking a certain way. Touching some grass is a cliche and an expression I ended up hating, but I do believe that being connected to discourse on a daily basis can really alter our sense of reality and what we consider to be real issues. We really should pay more attention to that and take some distance if necessary.

#m thoughts #jikook #kpop shipping #bts shipping #fandom discourse

[bloomingstay]

favorite kpop group tag~ thank you @binniesbang!

who is your favorite kpop group?

stray kids, if that was any surprise

which member sparked your interest first?

hyunjin! i've almost always been pulled in by the dancer (lee know i know but) specifically the style of dance hyunjin excels in. the isolation is so satisfying and cool. for some reason choreo always gets a song stuck in my head??

But also!! I had heard they produced their own music and that really got me interested in kpop again

who was your first bias?

chris bang 🤍 went from zero to ult within no more than two days tbh…

what makes them your current bias?

oh god. um. i'll put this in the least embarrassing way possible. (this is a kpop tumblr blog I should probably get over it)

it was a particularly bad year. i stumbled upon their silly videos (thank you stay for the edits<3) and they made me laugh. then i started seeing clips of chans room and him interacting with the boys and just like... he's so wonderful. he's generous and kind and loving and thoughtful. just a shy lil guy who also happens to be a flirt and a fucking dork and it's cute man idk shut upp

who is your bias wrecker?

i was certain i'd never have one, i truly adore each of those boys so so much.

i was however proven wrong after a very sweet, silly compilation of binnie being ridiculous. followed by a face cam of his sclass performance in the supreme jersey?? and the curls?? he has such amazing stage presence and he's a great dancer. but he kept going from his cute sweet binnie expressions looking like he was just so into it and having fun, to the "dark rapper" eyes and commanding stage presence. and like, wow. 🖤 i am a sucker for that kind of duality.

which members are you currently obsessing over that aren't your bias/wrecker?

in another reality han is my wrecker. that boy is the epitome of what i used to look for in guys: babygirl. lol. well, and insanely talented and funny and everything. I adore him

after befriending a couple seungmin stans, i started looking for pics and clips to send them and found myself so incredibly impressed with him and touched by some of the things he's said and done. plus he’s a funny little shit.

hwang hyunjin is such a sweet boy. since we got producer jinnie on the last album i have been looking back and just so impressed with his growth 🤍

when did you first discover the group?

(Upon editing I realize I read this as ‘how’ but oh well)

okokok so

i was a kpop fan 2014-2017 and went all in. kcon and concerts the whole thing

but then i was just on my usual 6 hour yt shorts binge as i tried to fall asleep and saw skz reacting to the "your eyes" mv, specifically felix's part, obviously. i watched it like 12 times just cry laughing at han screaming, hyunjin trying to escape, channie hiding behind his hands and squealing. it was just so funny to see a group kind of clowning their own shit? i thought they were hilarious.

then i saw julien (solomita) had reacted to 'topline' and i was soooo into it. immediately went to watch some mvs and decided cool i'll be a totally normal casual fan of this group’s music….. :)

THEN a lovely lady i'd followed on my 10 year old tumblr account posted about skz. i messaged her that I’d finally decided to check them out and she was kind enough to answer questions and entertain my onslaught of messages as I screamed about how much I love these boys. and she still does everyday so. thank you hana 🌸

have you ever been to one of their concerts?

not yet~

what are some of your favorite songs by them?

THIS SECTION TOOK ME WAY TOO LONG. disclaimer: I absolutely could not include non ot8 this would’ve been 30 songs (I’m probably going to cheat)

Hall of fame. bitch ever since that live stage (which was the first time I’d heard it) I’ve listened to the sclass album 3 times a week no joke, goddamn it’s so good. so just know, i pulled almost every song from that album off this list when i made cuts

levanter. a hard pill to swallow mid relationship struggles and holds a lot of meaning for me.

secret secret. i can't get over how professional this song sounds and how it was just a few years in?

leave. where i got my username~ like I said, relationship stuff. You have not yet really bloomed When the new season comes I hope the warmth will make you bloom Into a flower that never dies

sclass. *bling bling* HIPHOPSTEP. such a fucking chaotic mess of a jam.

megaverse. the breakdown? MEGAPHONE. Han, bitch? We make the rules nobody can hold me yeaaahhh. Your body shakes - STRAY KIDS EVERYWHERE ALL AROUND THE WORLD. Sorry, flawless.

gods menu. ate, bitch. chan was something the fuck else

domino. neeed I say more

social path is bomb

grow up. read lyrics for the first time just now ow

eternity. told u I’d cheat.

love poem. big cheat my list worth it

I am going to be so mad when I realize I missed a song I listen to 7 times a day but been doin this for 2 hours so I’m calling it. Also forgive me I’m still working through the discography (backwards) and haven’t listened to the full first couple albums.

the adhd is allowing no further focus or thought so i will be tagging the same friends as my last tag post no pressure <3

@channieblossoms @skzms @roseykat @thefantasyden @seungsungracha @astraysis @channieswife

Thank you again @binniesbang for tagging me~!

#I WONT APOLOGIZE FOR HOW LONG this is #if yo i wanna read it you can if not that's absolutely okay too EVEN if i tagged you~ #chatty #tag #<3 #binniesbang #ur a sweetie tbh thk u #stray kids #skz #stay

[yutaleks]

you dont have to answer this but can you give us a sign that youre not anti black because i just want to know, so i can continue following you /gen

I'm only going to speak about this once since the wording of this ask is not rude and I'm choosing to believe this isn't in bad faith. I won't be answering any other asks about this and I won't hesitate to turn anon off again.

I have never sent a single person on this website a mean ask in my entire 14 years on this site. ever. I don't even send anonymous asks in general.

I didn't know who that blog is until they tagged their previous blog, which yes we were mutuals in the past. tbh I didn't even know they moved to this new blog I just assumed they quit Tumblr like many people have over the years. ive never followed that blog they were never on my radar. They are a tokrev blog I don't even watch or read tokrev. so like I said I had no idea who they even were. no clue where they got this idea that I have sent any asks to them. afaik they didn't exist until this post they made about me. they could have come to my inbox or my ask box or any other form of communication to confirm privately before making an inflammatory post but that's cool. if an entire group of people wanna believe something with no proof that's their prerogative.

I am literally a black latino. my great grandmother, who died a few years ago and who I was close to, was a slave in Haiti and escaped to DR. Haiti, TO THIS DAY, is the country in the world with the second highest population of slaves. My family literally escaped slavery within the last century. How could I be anti-black when I myself am a black person with recent ties to slavery. the accusation is ridiculous.

IRL ive experienced anti-blackness myself. believe it or not, to most Americans my appearance gives them the impression that I am an African American woman. it's only until I speak Spanish that people realize that I am latino. so I've also been victim in real life to people hurling the n-word at me, white people hurling microagressions at me, etc, on the basis that I am racially a black woman. I will not delve into the history in this post, you can learn the history of the slave trade on your own, but only 6 percent of African slaves in the slave trade ended up on North America, the rest went to Brazil and South America. if you think black people with similar history of being enslaved don't exist outside of the United States, you're just wrong.

I understand that being a person with African American ancestry in America is different than being black in another culture (before you roll your eyes at me) but to racist white people in America they don't see a difference and treat me the same way. I have zero desire to nor have I ever done to others what has been done to me. And I am sorry to the people who have been receiving such nasty words in their inbox on Tumblr. Obviously no one deserves to be treated that way. But none of those were me, I would never do that. No idea what gave them that idea. And if you've been following me for a while you would know I've made posts about this before, about the complicated feelings of being a black girl in the latino community. Why would I do anything like that to someone else as a racially black person myself.

There is a level of frustration that I feel in having disclosed my history with sexual assault and having that being spun into some belief that by disclosing that, I am downplaying racism ergo I am anti-black. But I think no matter what I say on that point I will be in the wrong and accused of being a racist somehow so what else is there to say. If you believe that discussing the weight of accusing someone as a pedophile in any way downplays accusing them of being a racist, despite these two being different topics and different experiences, then there's no arguing about it. That's what you believe. And that's fine, then to you I will always be wrong.

as an aside, whatever screenshots they posted of an nsfw comic I purchased, I'm not gonna deny I did. I've talked about buying doujinshi on my blog many times in the past it's not something I ever hid. An nsfw comic has zero to do with accusations of anti-blackness. if you disagree with me buying comics, feel free to unfollow that's fine. You wanna call me a pedo over a drawing that's fine. I've already said my piece weeks ago on using that kind of language over drawings I'm not going to bother repeating that.

At the end of the day you can believe whatever you want. I know who I am as a person. I've been nothing but nice to people on this website. Like I said, ive never sent a single rude anon in my life. If you wanna believe that I'm a bad person despite there being no proof of the sort, that's up to you. people will believe whatever they see on the internet any ways.

#ϟ asking aleksandria

[allmoshnobrain]

𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐛𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐫

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

part 01 of ? | masterpost

word count: 2697 | ao3 link

Eleanore (better known as Nore) was only 18 years old when she moved out of her house. She chose to live with her cousin, Cliff, in the same house where his band was staying - and got involved with all of them much more than she had ever expected to get involved with someone...

✦ warnings and tags: oc is cliff's cousin, +18, slice of life, drinking, smoking, fluff, cliff being cliff (overprotective older cousin), oc meets the metallica boys

✦ a/n: hello! i started posting this fanfiction on ao3 a while ago, but now i decided to post it directly here on tumblr too. the story is a bit long but there will be a lot of fluff, angst and smut along the way and also a lot of james and dave ♡ I will be posting one or two chapters daily until I catch up with the chapters posted on AO3, then I will start posting at the same frequency as I do there - every Wednesday and Sunday! Anyway, hope you enjoy ♡

I couldn't exactly say that I had plans for the beginning of 1983, but certainly moving out of my parents' house wasn't among them. Not that I had much of a choice, as I had been practically kicked out after the chaos that was my 18th birthday a few months earlier.

I was lucky to have my cousin Cliff's help. He had joined a new band a few months ago and had moved out of his parents' house to live with the guys in a house in downtown San Francisco. His offer to let me stay with them for a few months came at the right time, and I didn't hesitate to accept.

Maybe that hadn't been the best idea, as everything that could go wrong so far was happening — including me being late, missing the bus that would take me from Long Beach on a six-hour trip to San Francisco, having to buy another ticket for another bus that would leave only two hours later, and realizing only after boarding that I had forgotten my bag with half of my clothes and all — yes, absolutely all — of my underwear at my parents' house. Now, in addition to spending money on buying new clothes, I would have to wait for my parents to send me the bag by mail.

Great, I thought bitterly as I looked out the window of the moving bus.

I tried to distract myself by opening my sketchbook and doodling something, but I was too anxious to do anything. Cliff and I had practically grown up together, but since he moved to San Francisco with his family four years ago, our interactions had considerably decreased. Now, he had several new friends whom I didn't know, a girlfriend I had never even heard of, and he was even playing in a band. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to fit into his new life, and this kinda bothered me.

Despite the anxiety, I was exhausted, and I ended up dozing off for a while. It felt like I had only blinked when I woke up to the passenger next to me letting me know that we had arrived. I thanked the man and grabbed my luggage; when the bus stopped, I was one of the first people to get off.

San Francisco had the smell and sound of the sea; the sun was shining high in the cloudless blue sky. Despite the sun, it was still winter, and a cold wind cut through the platform. I looked around anxiously. Cliff had said he would be there, but I couldn't see him anywhere. That's when I felt someone touch my shoulder. When I turned, there he was, the old crumpled Misfits t-shirt, a cigarette in his hand, his long silky hair, and that beautiful smile on his face that I knew so well.

"Cliff!" I yelled and threw myself into his arms for a hug, laughing like I used to when I was little. He laughed and hugged me back.

"Hey, Nore. How was the trip?"

"It was horrible!" I complained, and he raised an eyebrow, a slight smile on his lips. "I forgot my bag, I was late and missed the bus. It was pure chaos; I didn't even think you would wait for me."

"Yeah, I noticed you were late. I've been waiting here for hours," he said with a tired sigh. I bit my lip, a guilty expression on my face, and he laughed. "It's okay. At least you made it. Let's go?"

He gently took the bag from my hand, and we walked through the terminal to the parking lot, where I saw his car. As I hopped in, he tossed my suitcase in the trunk and took a seat beside me in the driver's seat. I turned on the music, and a Misfits song blasted, extremely loud, just the way I knew Cliff loved it. I frowned and toned it down a bit.

"Oh my God, Cliff," I complained. "Aren't you scared of going deaf?"

"Hey, it's better to enjoy life while we're young," he grinned at me with that laid-back attitude that I knew all too well. I rolled my eyes but couldn't help but smile back. "And our hearing too, y'know."

He turned on the car, and I quickly strapped myself in. I knew Cliff's wild driving style; if seatbelts truly saved lives, I was putting my faith in that little piece of fabric. I gripped on tight as he zoomed through the city, weaving through traffic like a maniac. I lost count, but I swear he blew through at least three red lights on the way.

Fortunately, we safely arrived at the house where he was living. I got out of the car and stretched, feeling sore after hours of bus travel.

"Come on," he said. "I'll introduce you to the guys."

"Wait, what about my luggage?"

"I'll get it later. Is it okay if we share the room? It's the only place you can stay for now."

"No worries,"I said, as he took me by the hand and guided me into the house. He swung open the door, revealing a sparsely furnished living room with only a TV, a couple of couches, and a table surrounded by four chairs. A short guy was sitting on one of the sofas, speaking loudly while two others laughed at whatever he had just said. All three had beers in their hands, and a few empty bottles were scattered on the floor.

"Hey, guys," Cliff said. "This is Nore, my cousin. The one I told you would be staying here for a while."

They looked at us. The short dark-haired guy stood up with a smile.

"Hey," he greeted me. He had a different accent, definitely not American. "How's it going?"

"Nore, this is Lars. He's Danish, so you might find his smell a bit strange," Cliff said in a sarcastic tone, a smirk on his face.

"Shut up, dude." Lars grabbed a beer bottle and pointed at me. "Want one?"

"No, she doesn't," Cliff cut in. I looked at him, raising my eyebrows. "Hey, no more drinking problems for you, okay?"

"Oh, Cliff, shut up. You worry too much," I grumbled, which made the guys laugh.

"Hey, I'm just trying to help you. Remember that your parents told me not to let you drink."

"Well, then you won't smoke your joints in front of me either," I said, reaching out to snatch the cigarette from his hand, but he held it up high. He knew I couldn't reach it, I was way shorter than him. He chuckled.

"These are Dave and James," he said, still holding his hand up. I lightly hit his back, pissed off, but he ignored me.

"Hi," the blond guy spoke in a low voice, seeming annoyed. He didn't even look directly into my eyes, quickly turning his attention back to the beer bottle in his hand. I felt my face heat up, wondering if he already hated me or something.

"Hi," I said softly. "Nice to meet you."

The other guy laughed. He had wavy strawberry blond hair and brown eyes. He was just a little shorter than Cliff – but still much taller than me.

"You upset the lady, James," he got up from the sofa and took my hand in his. "Don't mind him, he's just a bit shy. I'm Dave, you probably figured that out already."

"Hi, Dave," I smiled.

"So your name is Nore? That's kinda different."

"Oh, actually, it's Eleanore. But nobody really calls me that, I prefer Nore."

He grinned, pulling a pack of smokes from his pocket.

"It's a cool name," he lit a cigarette and gave me a wink. "If you feel like grabbing some drinks later..."

"Hey, lay off my cousin," Cliff frowned. "I've already told you she's not gonna drink, dammit."

"Cliff!" I complained. "Come on, you can't stop me from having a drink."

James snorted.

"You worry too much, man," he got up and handed me a beer bottle. "Here. You can have a drink if you want."

I took the bottle from his hand before Cliff could do anything and took a sip. He sighed and shrugged.

“Okay, it's your problem.”

"Hey, no need to be all parental on me," I said in a more understanding tone. "I can handle myself just fine, alright?"

“I won't bother lecturing you,” he grumbled. “But you better let your parents know that if I find you dead in a pool of vomit, it's all your fault, you hear me?”

I rolled my eyes and laughed. He smiled, making me realize that he was just joking.

"Don't worry, I won't tell your parents about this either," I pointed to the cigarette in his hand. He huffed.

"You know they already know about it, right?" I scowled and he laughed. "Come on, I'll show you where you'll be staying."

"She could crash in my room," Dave grinned. "Plenty of room there."

"And you better cut out the flirty business with my cousin." Cliff's voice turned serious as he pulled me closer, gripping my shoulders in a protective way.

Dave laughed and left the room, not without smiling at me. My cheeks flushed, but I smiled back.

"I'll grab my bag," I said to Cliff. Taking another swig from the bottle, I handed it over to James with a grateful smile. "Thanks."

He shrugged, but flashed me a small smile in return.

Cliff walked me to the car and opened the trunk so I could get my luggage. I followed him to his room, which was a cozy little space on the ground floor. It had a bed, a closet, a desk, and his bass guitar hanging on the wall. I dropped my suitcase in a corner by the desk and cracked it open to grab some money. I still had to go to a store, see if I could find some clothes. He pulled out a mattress from behind the wardrobe.

"This is your new bed," He said. "At least until I can bring that bunk bed my parents are lending me." 

"You could be a knight in shining armor and let me sleep in yours." I grumbled, looking at the thinness of the mattress.

"No fucking way."

"I could end up with a serious back problem for sleeping on this, you know."

"Don't give me that. You won't convince me."

"I bet Dave would let me sleep in his bed."

"And take the opportunity to sleep with you."

"Oh, come on, Cliff," I laughed, feeling my face turning red. "He was joking."

"Yeah, right," he replied acidly. I shook my head in doubt. I found the money in my suitcase, picked it up, and stood up to leave. "Where are you going?"

"I need to buy some things. I'll be right back."

"I'll take you."

"No need, I saw there are plenty of shops nearby. I'll manage."

He shrugged, lighting a cigarette as he sat on the bed and opened a magazine. I left the house and found James outside, sitting by the porch, finishing his beer.

"Hi." I said.

"Hey. You heading out?" he asked in a low voice. At least now he didn't ignore me, I thought.

"Yeah. I still need to buy some things today."

"You know where to go?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Well, I was thinking of just taking a walk around. Didn't want to bother Cliff any more than I already have," I admitted. He stared at me, seeming to think for a moment, then stood up.

"Hang on. I'll come with you."

"You sure?" I asked, surprised. He nodded.

"Yeah, I need... to stock up on more beer. Just wait here, I'll get my money."

I nodded and waited as he entered the house. He returned soon, wearing a worn leather jacket and holding some crumpled dollars in his hand, which he stuffed into his pocket.

"There's a supermarket down the street. Let's go?"

─── ⋅ ∙ ∘ ☽ ༓ ☾ ∘ ⋅ ⋅ ───

We walked the whole way in silence. I couldn't help but think about what Dave had said about James being a bit shy. Despite that, he had been nice enough to offer to come along with me. As we walked, I glanced at him. Taking a closer look, I noticed that his eyes were just like mine, blue in color. He had a serious look on his face, lost in his own thoughts. Usually, I would start a conversation in a situation like this, but I was feeling a bit shy myself.

We soon arrived at the supermarket. I was taken aback because the place was bigger than I had expected.

"Hey, do they sell clothes here?" I asked. It would be super convenient if I could find some clothes without having to go elsewhere after buying the beers.

"Yes, they do," he answered, then looked at me. "Are you here to buy clothes?"

"Oh," I blushed. "I... sort of forgot my bag at my parents' house, so..."

He chuckled. "You're just like Cliff. He's an airhead too."

"Hey!" I complained. "I was tired, okay?"

He smiled as we entered the store. I grabbed a shopping basket, and he pointed to an aisle.

"The clothes are over there. Need some company?"

"Nah, I got this. Meet you back here?"

"Sure."

I walked to the clothing section, which was somewhat limited. Most of the stuff looked kinda ugly, but luckily, I managed to find some decent underwear and bras. I snagged a few items in my size and tossed them in the basket.

I was heading back to the entrance to meet James when I spotted him near the beverage shelves, looking frustrated. I walked up to him.

"Hi," he grumbled. "I'm trying to decide which one to take... Our favorite is sold out, and I'm clueless about these cheaper options."

I looked at the shelf, then picked up a bottle from a well-known brand that wasn't too expensive.

"I like this one. We can split the cost if you want."

He smiled a little, grabbing a case of the brand I had suggested.

"I'll roll with your choice," he tossed the case in the basket, and I made a face at the weight. "Oops, my bad," he effortlessly took the basket from my hand as if it weighed almost nothing.

"Thank you," I said, and he smiled.

"Did you get everything you needed?" he asked, and I nodded. "Alright, let's go then."

We went to the cashier and cashed out. James insisted on paying for all the beers. I realized that, beneath the initial shyness, he was actually a pretty cool guy. He stopped by the store entrance to open two bottles of beer and offered me one. We walked back home as the sun was setting, James sipping his beer and humming softly. I recognized the sound — the guitar riff from Paranoid, by Black Sabbath. The day was quickly coming to an end, and I could feel the exhaustion creeping in.

"It's really good," he suddenly said as we waited to cross a street, and I looked at him, puzzled. "The beer," he explained.

"Told you so," I grinned.

"Guess you wouldn't want me to tell Cliff about you drinking."

I rolled my eyes playfully.

"Cliff worries too much. But I think he'll soon give up on nagging me."

"I'm rooting for you," he said in a playful tone. I let out a soft chuckle.

Soon enough, we reached the house. I said goodbye to James and made my way to Cliff's room, which was now also mine, ready to grab my things and take a shower. Packing away my new clothes in my bag, I found myself humming the same tune as James. Despite the fatigue and the overload of new information, my anxiety had melted away. I didn't know what the next few days would bring, but it excited me. The guys seemed cool, and it was good to be closer to Cliff again. I didn't have a clue where this new life would lead me, but I was ready to embrace whatever came, whenever it came.

#hello hello hello it's heartbreaker day!! #so i decided to start posting my fic's chapters here on tumblr too #but you can still read it on ao3 if you want! #also chapter 8 is still coming out today on ao3 #ada writes fanfiction #heartbreaker fanfic #metallica #megadeth #james hetfield #dave mustaine #cliff burton #lars ulrich #metallica fanfiction #dave mustaine x oc #dave mustaine fanfiction #nore burton (oc) #james hetfield x oc

[chaotictarlos]

Can you talk more about the dinner scene and the tags you have in that post?

Hell yes I can! I love that scene so much. (post in question: https://at.tumblr.com/chaotictarlos/704992524491800576/9pael9up6i14) I do have to apologize in advance because I'm about to ramble a lot and probably say a lot that you don't care about but I have a lot of thoughts about this episode.

So I firmly believe this episode and scene are vital in Tarlos' growth as a couple. It was a needed scene and even more of a needed moment between them.

TK comes in, right, and he's all like "hi baby" and answers Carlos' question about how the meeting was and while we as viewers can see that there is definitely something off about Carlos, TK doesn't see it yet. Not until he goes to kiss Carlos on the cheek and Carlos doesn't react and when TK says that what he's made smells amazing, Carlos says it's just chicken.

But it's the way he says it. I don't know about you but I've used that tone. It's my "I'm upset right now and I want you to ask but I also don't want to talk to you because I'm upset at you" kind of tone. It's the type of tone that, imo, a person uses when they're fed up and just done with a situation.

It's this moment that TK realizes, oh something is wrong. Here's a cute little gif just because. You can see TK realizing that Carlos is not okay. Like he barely says a word to TK and doesn't offer him food and we all know that acts of service is part of Carlos' love language. He's always feeding TK and his friends. It's what he does.

And TK is like, okay, need to figure out what's going on here.

I really love this moment, TK leaning against the doorframe and you can see him thinking things through and giving Carlos the space to talk first, to bring up what's bothering him so that TK can do something to fix it.

(side note for a moment for how from the time he sits down to the end of this scene Carlos' looks so small. He's not a small guy but here we see himself physically shrink into himself, making himself smaller and try not to take up so much space. It's like he's hoping that if he takes up less space than he can be what TK needs him to be, what he wants TK to need him to be.)

And then Carlos, our passive-aggressive king, goes "oh should I'm sorry, should I have been cooking for two? I figured by the time it was 8 o'clock you and Coop stooped for omelets."

And there it is, the one thing TK needed to make the situation click.

Carlos is holding onto a lot. We know that he's an anxious person, and as a fellow anxious person, I feel for him so much in this scene. We don't get to see Carlos' anxiety a lot. He's internalized everything about the situation with TK and has tried so hard to find ways to help because that's what he does. That's what I would do. He sees a situation, he sees the love of his life hurting and having to navigate being back to square one and having to regain his years of sobriety and Carlos so badly wants to help.

That's why he stays up and reads articles and tries to find solutions. It what he does. He takes care of people he loves. And in this case he can't do anything and it kills him.

It makes him feel so utterly hopeless. And I'm saying that as someone who has been in situations where all I've wanted to do is help those I care about and I couldn't. I felt useless.

And right now, Carlos feels useless but he doesn't know how to say that.

So it manifests in passive-aggressive ways, such as not making TK dinner.

And even though he's being passive-aggressive, he's still so willing to make TK something if TK says that he hasn't ate. Because at least it would mean that TK needed him for something.

And just, the way TK gives him space, gives him a chance to bring up what's wrong because they both know something is wrong just really gets to me. He doesn't push right away, allows Carlos the room to bring it up himself if he needs to.

And when he doesn't, TK asks him.

And Carlos does what I always do, what everyone always does:

"Is something wrong?"

"No"

Because of course, he's not going to outright admit to something being wrong. That would be too logical.

And then slipping in that he knows that TK called Cooper at three am and that is one of the roots of Carlos' problem and why he's upset. In TK needing someone, instead of rolling over and waking Carlos up, he reached out to someone else.

And Carlos can't understand why he did that. Because for Carlos, he would turn to TK if he needed someone in the middle of the night. It makes sense to Carlos to reach for TK, because they're partners so he can't wrap his mind around why.

And the way this entire scene is handled and how TK handles it, just shows so much growth, imo.

And then TK does this little nod, because now he's caught up and he knows somewhat what's going on. I also need to point out that, faced with this confrontation he doesn't run, he doesn't try to deflect but stays and talks to Carlos.

I like how TK asks if Carlos is mad at him for calling his sponsor because he's trying to narrow things down. And of course, Carlos isn't mad at him for that, he never would be mad at TK for calling his sponsor when he needs to. What Carlos is upset about is that he wasn't TK's first choice. And he can't understand that.

It seems so simple, even though it's not.

And Carlos is sitting there, fighting with his anxiety, fighting with his doubts, fighting these internal battles that he hasn't let TK in on because he doesn't want to burden TK with them. (of course, I could be projecting my own anxiety struggles with this but it fits)

The line that gets me every single time in this scene is "just trying to figure out what my place is"

Because he doesn't know. His love language is acts of service and he's being denied being able to do that - not intentionally, of course - so he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know where he fits into TK's life in this moment. If he can't help TK than what's his point? What role is he supposed to play?

And god damn, I feel that so fucking much. I feel for Carlos. I feel the insecurity he feels here. I feel the anxiety. The hurt that he feels. They're all such valid feelings too! Like he's valid for where he's at and what he's feeling. He's human. He's allowed to be upset. He's in a situation that he has no experience with and it's upsetting.

The love of his life was just forced to overdose, to break his sobriety and Carlos so badly wants to fix it but he can't and he's not sure what he can do. He hasn't been told his place in this. He just wants to help and he can't and he feels useless.

"just trying to figure out what my place is" is a plea for TK to tell him what he needs. It's Carlos, being vulnerable, asking TK what he wants from him.

And when TK tells Carlos he wasn't the one he needed to talk to, Carlos takes that personally because he doesn't understand. He thinks it's because he's not enough for TK. That he can't provide for him all the ways that Carlos thinks he's supposed to.

We romanticize this notion that our significant others are supposed to be the be-all, end-all for us. We're supposed to turn to them for everything. We're supposed to help them through their darkest times and have them help us through ours. It's beaten into our brains from the time that we are kids that our SO's are the perfect other half, that "you don't need anyone else other than your partner" and that couldn't be more wrong. Our support system can not and should not begin and end with our significant others.

And knowing that Carlos' parents are traditional, he probably learned that too.

When TK says that, it's like conformation to Carlos that TK doesn't need him and that's not what TK is saying at all.

And then, we have TK telling Carlos that Cooper's straight and I've seen people give shit about that line but I think it's valid.

TK's been cheated on and you bet your ass that's now a fear of his and with Carlos being so upset that TK is reaching out to another man in the middle of the night, spending time with him - and while he has valid reasons and he's not sneaking around or trying to do anything - TK can see that it might not look that way and even though Carlos hasn't said he's worried that TK is cheating, TK wants to reassure him that he's not.

And I think that's very valid of TK. He recognizes it before it's even an issue because it shouldn't be an issue and he wants Carlos to know that he doesn't have to worry about TK getting feelings for his sponsor.

And I think it's also a subtle way of TK telling Carlos "you're not being replaced."

Also this:

"I don't think you're cheating with the guy TK."

"Not physically."

Because we've all heard of emotional cheating. I know this part isn't a favorite of people's and I've seen a lot of people have problems with it but it was needed. They needed to have this bit of a conversation for both their sakes. Carlos needed that reassurance even if he acts like he didn't. I don't think at any point Carlos thought TK was cheating, but it's still a thought that sometimes crosses the minds of even the most logical individuals.

"It feels like he's getting getting pieces of you that I don't."

"You don't want those pieces."

"I do. I want all of it."

"You have all of me, Carlos."

I keep saying it, I know, but this exchange, it's just so much. Carlos feels so much and it's so fucking beautiful. TK knows what he needs, he knows that those darker pieces of himself aren't pretty, they aren't good and they aren't easy to deal with and he doesn't want to burden Carlos with them. They're hard pieces.

But he's trying to tell Carlos that he gets the pieces that matter. He doesn't have to have the dark parts, the parts that ache for a fix, the parts that make him shake and itch for another high. Carlos doesn't have to have those parts because they'll just worry him. TK does give Carlos all of him, and him not getting the pieces where TK is desperate for a fix isn't bad.

Because TK isn't treating Carlos like his sponsor or therapist. That's not Carlos role in his life. Carlos isn't his sponsor and he isn't his therapist. TK has people who fill that role.

And then, the heartbreaking line of Carlos saying "I'm not enough, you mean."

In this one case, he's not and I love that TK affirms that and then explains why. He's not saying that Carlos isn't enough for him to be mean or to hurt Carlos, he's saying it to try and get Carlos to understand that sometimes TK needs people that has been in that situation. That knows what it's like to be high, to be addicted to drugs, to spend their time trying to find the next fix.

It's not bad that Carlos can't fit that role.

And, I don't know, they just do it so beautifully here. TK gets riled up, he gets a little emotional and his voice isn't perfectly calm but he's also upset but not trying to show it. It's here that he, imo, tries to get Carlos to see that this entire situation isn't about Carlos.

TK's addiction isn't about Carlos. It's not something that Carlos can fix and TK needs Carlos to understand that and I think the way TK explains it here is so right on. It's kind, but firm. It's an explanation that does tell Carlos that no, he's not enough but that's okay because TK has people to help him with that.

TK has people that help him get home because he wants to come home to Carlos.

"And if that means sometimes I'm late getting home just know it's only so I will get home, Carlos"

That line will always be a favorite of mine. I think it sums it all up so perfectly. He's doing it all - calling his sponsor, staying out late at meetings, taking extra time with Cooper - so that he will make it home to Carlos, the one he loves and wants to spend his life with.

TK can't and doesn't want to burden Carlos with all of that dark because he knows how impactful it can be on a relationship. It's not Carlos' job to shoulder that burden and he shouldn't have to. He might think he has to, but he doesn't, and TK knows that.

That line just sums it up so well, and even though Carlos doesn't respond, it's obvious that he gets it. He gets it even more when he comes home and TK is there, hurting and shutting down, and Carlos' experiences first hand that TK needs more.

Coming back to my original line, I know I've said a lot and if you've read this far thank you, but this was vital to their relationship. It showed growth in both characters. It showed TK not running, but sitting down and having a needed discussion. It showed Carlos being vulnerable, letting TK in, letting his walls down.

It's truly a beautiful scene that I think says so much about their relationship.

It speaks a lot about where they were and where they're at. It's amazing.

This touch, this kiss, the way TK smooths his hand down the back of Carlos' head was such a simple, subtle way to say "It's okay, we're okay, I love you and it's going to be okay."

I really wish we had see the conversation they have after this - because I fully believe they have one and maybe I'll write it - because I don't think they're ones to go to bed upset or angry.

#chaotic asks #t talks #tarlos #tk strand x carlos reyes #riddle of the sphinx #season 3 #3 x 13 #my gifs

[beardedmrbean]

God the amount of people on here I’ve, not just lost respect for, but become completely repulsed by in the last few days. People I share fandoms with who every so often would reblog those stupid “goblins are Jews so anybody who puts them in stories is antisemetic and should be shunned!!!” Which I usually just rolled my eyes and moved on. Those same damn people are on here justifying Jewish people getting slaughtered and kidnapped. And even if in their minds it’s truly just about “Israel vs Palestine”, not a fucking peep has been heard from any of them about the attacks now occurring to Jews around the world. “Punch Nazis! Listen to Jewish Voices! Be aware of antisemitism!” All goes out the window now I guess?

Gonna be setting everything to do with this situation to 'mature' and tagging "middle east mess" from here on in, this situation is far too much for lots of you and I get that I'm trying to balance things out best I can.

Go into your settings to the "content" filtering as well as "tag" filtering and punch in any terms you can think of to get most of this all off your dash.

Schrödinger's POC.

One thing I've come to realize in my observations over the years is the majority of the different activists, really loud ones at least, don't actually care about the causes they claim to care about, they don't actually want things to improve for people. Having perpetual victims while they themselves are not victims seems to let them look like they're trying to help and stand up for injustice and victimized people while still covertly looking down their noses at them.

Israel is a great example of that since they do a pretty good job mostly on their own surrounded by enemies on all sides, gotten a little less dangerous over the decades but they're still in the danger zone and generally still thriving.

That and they very rarely get involved in a difficult fight, much easier to virtue signal over a video game than it is when there's some fairly complex geopolitical forces at play. And hating Israel is the easier of the two routes to go in this one, you'll also be seeing the folks that say it's not Jews it's "Zionists" even if the overwhelming majority of Jewish people are Zionists.

Which hey, you're all entitled to your opinion but before you go and start bashing Israel on a hourly basis go ahead and look at all the other countries out there and see how you feel about them and decide if you honestly think you're judging them all by the same standard or if you're judging Israel (or any others) more harshly and then ask yourself why that is.

Amnesty went in to Ukraine at one point after several schools had been targeted by russia, amnesty pointed out all of the obvious signs that the ukrainian military had been using those schools as weapons cache's or staging grounds or any of a number of other military purposes and they declared that to be a big no no and properly laid the blame on the ukranian military and government. You made it a military target by putting troops there.

Oddly even though it's widely known that hamass does the same thing, somehow amnesty still goes after Israel who will "knock on the door" of places they're about to level that are legitimate military targets, if they're also civilian buildings. hamass using the roof of a building as a place for a communications array/radio tower they'll get a dummy bomb dropped in their lap and civilians have their 30 min notice to evacuate because it's going down in 30 min one way or the other, but somehow that's not good enough.

and Oh lord I was in the notes of a couple different post and people talking about the Jewish citizens of Israel not actually being the same people that are the indigenous population to that area, which dna tests have proven that wrong, but hey they're out there repeating talking points made up by goebels so remember that next time these people call someone else a nazi, granted they're stupid enough to call actual Jewish people nazis to their faces showing that they've really just turned that word into something that's on par with butthead at this point.

Circling back round, like I said most of these activists they don't want conditions to actually improve for anyone, because they won't be special little guys helping out the poor oppressed people, they'll just be ordinary.

Cancer researchers would be very happy if they got put out of a job, professional activists not so much.

Article link

___________________

This is all beyond very tragic both for the people of Israel and the people of gaza who just want to live their lives free of fear and hate, it is interesting to see people doing 180's on their stances on things like rape and child murder/infanticide and such given who's doing it this time round, if I were Jewish I would be seriously reconsidering my position of I want everyone who wants to and can responsibly do so to own all the guns they like, but having one isn't for me.

I'd cut that last bit out, I'd be armed everywhere I go.

There's lots of issues on both sides of this conflict, but only one side went in to a music festival and murdered 260+ people and dragged off hostages to rape, torture, and maybe attempt to bargain with at some point if the mood strikes.

That's not something the good guys do.

Side note, I'm surprised I haven't seen a specific insult tossed out between members of the Jewish community who are on different sides of this issue, for the curious it's a german word and I'm not going to type it out.

Had someone throw that one at me once which confused me given my lack of being Jewish, loses all it's punch at that point.

#anonymous #middle east mess

[eleanorfenyxwrites]

WIP Wednesday

As promised, Ghost!WWX this week since it tied for second in the poll! I was going to go back and link the other posts individually but here's the tag for it, I'm pretty sure the three bits in there are all I've posted for it. In case you forgot and/or you don't want to read through the other snippets, WWX is a ghost haunting Cloud Recesses (specifically LWJ) about a year post-cql-canon (so he's been wandering alone) and once they all realize what's going on LWJ is handles it soooooo well. This new bit directly follows the previous snippet from Ch. 2, enjoy! (Next week's post will be the third place winner in the poll, something from 'Technically A Cutsleeve?' 😌)

--//--

“Jingyi, please escort the rest of the disciples inside. Reports on the hunt are due in the morning.”

“Yes Hanguang-Jun,” Lan Jingyi hurries to agree, the junior disciples behind him and Sizhui bowing the same before they troop past him and up the stairs. They’re too well-disciplined to whisper or look back at their seniors over their shoulders, but Lan Wangji is fairly sure that the whispers about his son will begin again soon, if only amongst those who remember the first time they’d made their rounds through the Sect.

“Hanguang-Jun,” Sizhui says, stricken. “It really is Wei-qianbei –”

“I know,” Lan Wangji says, because his son has never once been a liar. No matter how much his entire being wants to scream that he’s wrong, that it’s a mistake, that it’s impossible for Sizhui alone to see Wei Ying standing beside him, he knows that his son does not lie.

Which means that Wei Ying’s spirit is here, and his body is not.

Which means that if he is not already dead, then he is likely in grave danger.

“What is he saying?” he asks, and his naturally level voice is the only reason he can ask it without breaking.

“He’s..he’s been here for a few days —” Lan Wangji swallows hard around a knot in his throat “— and that he’s definitely a spirit, but he doesn’t know how. He also says that the wards around Cloud Recesses only allow him to cross sporadically, he’s experimented very briefly with it this morning. And — Wei-qianbei, slow down please –”

Lan Wangji allows himself two slow breaths to make his very temporary peace with the agony coursing through him. His composure will not last forever, but it must last at least a few more minutes.

“We will discuss it further at home. Sizhui, will you go with Wei Ying first to the library and retrieve anything that will be useful?”

“..Hanguang-Jun?”

“You know the library well, as does Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji manages, though he doesn’t have many words left before his composure slips too far. Already he can tell Sizhui can see that he’s unwell, but his son is too good, too filial to acknowledge it out loud. “I will meet you in the Jingshi in a shichen, I have business to attend to before we may begin researching what has happened.”

Sizhui looks at him far too keenly for a moment before his attention abruptly shifts to Lan Wangji’s left again and he grimaces. “Wei-qianbei, we don’t know for sure that you’re –“

“There are many ways to separate the spirit from the body,” Lan Wangji hurries to cut in despite how rude and uncharacteristic it is of him, because if Sizhui says the words ‘Wei-qianbei’ and ‘dead’ in the same sentence he doesn’t know what he may do. “I will see you in a shichen.”

Without another word, Lan Wangji turns and sweeps back up the path into Cloud Recesses on numb legs, muscle memory the only thing keeping him upright and able to walk through his home as if nothing is wrong. He dimly registers the sound of Sizhui talking quietly to Wei Ying, under his breath so as to not be spotted talking to what looks like empty air, and he’s relieved when they split off from the same path as him to head for the library pavilion, leaving him free to return to the Jingshi in silence.

He makes it three steps beyond the threshold before he collapses into a graceless heap on the floor.

#the untamed fanfic #WIP Wednesday #Wangxian #Lan Wangji #Lan Sizhui #Wei Wuxian #<- he's there too LWJ just can't see or hear him lol #A Kind Heart To Haunt

[no-psi-nan]

🥺🥺🥺 not 2 be sappy on main but omg I actually started off in Deviantart ages ago, that was the closest thing to social media for me until the tumblr migration lol. But I never really interacted with people on there, and even upon moving to tumblr, never really interacted with people here too often either. At first I had my main blog which was meant to be more professional since I was selling art to get a little college income, so I didn't really make too many irrelevant posts. Then I decided that I wanted to be able to reblog art and support other artists, so I made a side blog where I carefully curated and tagged the posts I reblogged. I made a few original posts but no one ever interacted, and eventually I realized that people only ever sent me asks there if I tagged anything wrong. Also I found out that adding stuff like series and character tags to a reblog on tumblr is basically useless because the op will pretty much always tag those things which makes it searchable on your own blog even if you don't tag it yourself. And if op DIDN'T tag it those things, your tags will make the post searchable on your blog but NOT in the general search, so it doesn't give op any more of a boost than just reblogging it tagless. So I made another sideblog, which I still have today, and I just rapidfire reblog literally anything I find shareworthy lol. Not any interaction there but at least I'm not wasting my time meticulously tagging strangers posts hsfjdlshfks. Since I was best friends with a big name fan in my main fandom (we became friends when I left a long emotional comment on their fanfic btw <3), I helped run some small fandom events and met more people as well. When I switched fandoms, it was a fandom event that gave me a new friend too, my posts never got any traction. Large fandom discords didn't really work for me either. But on this blog I was lucky, and for the first time people started like actually responding to my comments and posts, and get conversations going! And genuinely that's what's kept my brain rot so powerful I think, because bouncing ideas off each other and joking around and shitposting is genuinely the most fun I've ever had online!! I have to thank desta and oatmeal for the fun times especially, and hillbilly---man left really nice comments on my first few fics that really encouraged me, and I always have fun trading ideas with alienn, saikikthoughts, and crookedlyinnernightmare, plus everyone else who's on here, that's too many people to type out. AND I TYPED UP A BUNCH MORE STUFF BUT TUMBLR FUCKING DELETED IT!! Are you shitting me.... Well I think I remember saying that even if it's been getting kinda quiet and boring lately so my attention is starting to wander (I've pretty much posted all of the meta that's not deep fanfic hc at this point and my drawings take me a long time to make), I'll never delete this blog and I'll still be putzing around online until the day I die probably. And I'll always remember these days fondly and hope to find another great community like this one. And also I highly encourage everyone to post, reply, interact, and play with fellow fans! I've made lifelong friendships over blorbos and even if we don't have the same blorbos any more, we're still friends. Obviously stay safe online, never send money to strangers, probably wait like a year to start shipping each other stuff but still, reach out because you never know who you might meet! I've been lonely irl for most of my life for various reasons, and my online friends have been a lifeline honestly, they're all really important to me. Two of my best friends today come from fanfic comment sections!! Also I need to get around to archiving my meta on AO3 lol (yup, it's for meta too!) but that's gonna be a lot of work so -_-U).

#notes to nopsi #🥺thank u for making an old blogger like me emotional at 7 am #even if tumblr fucking pissed me off by deleting half the post #Also I appreciate the 'hate' anons because even though it must have been super embarrassing for them #it was fun to do some more analysis on a topic I usually don't think about <3

[ephhemeralite]

writing pattern tag game!

post the first line of your last ten posted fics and see if there's a pattern! thanks for the tag, @ful-crum !!!!!

not quite sure how i got here, real glad i've got more than ten fics posted (if only barely), excited to see how it goes

"Aziraphale bustles back into his shop with all of the energy of a raccoon holding a goodie they never expected to stumble across." – no skin like the skin you woke up in (gomens canon divergence au)

"Ed has spent the vast majority of his life as a pirate. Get as old and experienced as he’s gotten – far older and more experienced than he ever expected, mind you – and you form some opinions, about salt and the sea and the way of things." – and i feel so proud when the reckoning arrives (this is two lines so it's cheating but whatever 💚. very dumb black sails/our flag means death crossover)

"The first time Dick notices himself call for Batgirl and the wrong sibling respond, he doesn't think much of it." – no difference between the past and the ground (dick grayson thinks he's going crazy until he realizes [REDACTED])

"Tommy thinks that finding himself stuck through the Blood God’s sword – stuck through – should come as more of a shock to him than it does." – this is mostly what happens in dallas (au of my dsmp hero/villain major character death series where the major character death doesn't happen but it's still not great! hence the wtnv if he had lived title)

"Wilbur drops onto the couch with a groan and some sort of weird, histrion-type flail." – a gaze blank and pitiless as the sun (dsmp hero/villain au, companion piece to the actual mcd, probably my best piece of posted writing)

"He isn't looking for trouble today, but he isn't surprised when the blade of a sword finds him regardless." – the truth is like a sickle (it'll cut you to the middle) (dsmp hero/villain au with the mcd)

"The flickering lights of the tavern seem soft, in the late hours of the night." – drunk in a field (on dandelion wine) (unfinished 5+1 from a folk witch!jaskier universe that i got super super attached to but eventually let go of because my life kept getting more insane and the concept more intricate)

"Peter had spent a lot of time trying to psychoanalyze Neal Caffrey before his capture." – acquainted with the saint of never getting it right (white collar/batfam crossover, dick grayson is neal caffrey, my most popular fic by a chunk)

"Geralt can already tell that Jaskier plans on dragging them both out tonight, probably with quilt, to force him into a night of 'stargazing and communing with nature like we used to!'" – it could feel like an end (to have to keep going) (immortal/modern times geraskier au fic i haven't read since i wrote and posted it in a day. i think it's contemplations on mortality, helplessness, and the climate crisis?)

"Briefly, he contemplates sitting up on the couch to give himself better lung capacity for his incoming tirade, but figures that he may as well put his vigilante training to good use, and continues to lay back." – more like me (less like you) (technically the second line of an emotional conversation between dick and jason, but the first line was dialogue and it is too early for me to mess with quotation marks like that)

so, full disclaimer that i don't post a ton (no skin was last updated in august of last year and more like me was posted in july of 2021) so a lot of this writing is kind of old, but! i did notice that i've tended to open in media res, but recently i have been incorporating more exposition. i've never tried to make my first lines great hooks — i'm honestly more concerned with giving myself a good jumping-off point than anything else. it also struck me how many fandoms i've written for that i no longer engage with, basically at all. maybe i've just been really focused lately, but i don't think a few of these fandoms would hold my attention anymore! ironically, i'm talking about the more recent fandoms like dsmp/gomens/ofmd and not the older stuff like the batfam or the witcher.

this was really fun, i loved looking back through my work like this!! thank you again ful-crum for tagging me :)! i'm gonna tag @doingthewritethings, @b10000p, and @alavenderleaf !!!!!!

#tag game #me when ive been writing plenty of fic recently but not posting any of it so my most recent thing is gomens s2 cope fic...... #and by cope fic i mean Make It Worse fic. for the record #augh i'll finish something eventually

[kazoosandfannypacks]

“Always Remember (the burning embers)” by kazoosandfannypacks

Pairing: Captain Swan Rating: General Word Count: 1380 Summary: Killian and Emma have a late night conversation about careless words that've left their scars Tags: au, fluff, captain swan, one shot, post canon, canon compliant, fix-it-fic, missing moment Author’s notes: I've been planning this fic for a little while here, since sometime during season 5. The title is based on the taylor swift song "the great war," which I feel nicely sums up Killian and Emma during the Dark Ones arc, though this fic takes place probably a couple years later. Taglist:@zahara@kmomof4@jonesfandomfanatic@booksteaandtoomuchtv@jrob64@tiganasummertree@anmylica@teamhook@undercaffinatednightmare@gingerchangeling@lonelyspectator@caught-in-the-filter  @ultraluckycatnd  @cs-rylie @silver-the-phoenix @pawshapedheart [if you’d like to be added to or removed from this list, hmu in my dms or askbox!]

Also on Ao3!

 Killian had gotten so used to waking up next to Emma that it always felt weird when he didn't- especially when it was two A.M., and she'd been right there when he fell asleep, and now she wasn't.

 At first, he suspected maybe she'd gone to the bathroom or to get a drink of water or something like that- but then he saw her, sitting at the foot of the bed, seeming a touch unwell.

 "Is something wrong, love?" he whispered.

 She turned around, a bit startled.

 "I didn't realize you were still up."

 "Love, it's two in the morning," he said, "have you been awake this whole time?"

 "I guess," Emma said.

 "What's wrong, love?"

 "Nothing," she shook her head.

 He knew her better than to believe that.

 "What's wrong?" he repeated.

 "Nothing important." Emma said, quickly.

 "Emma," he said, hoping his soft tone could soften whatever armor she'd been crafting, "if you're up thinking about it at two in the morning, it must be important. What's wrong?"

 She sighed, and glanced back at him for a moment- and in that moment he nodded to her, like you'd nod to an injured animal to ask it to trust you, to tell her, "Go on. Let me help you."

 "It still feels like a fairy tale," she said.

 Rather than try and read into that statement, he simply asked for clarification.

 "What does?"

 "All of it," she said, in a whispered breath like an angry laugh, "you, Henry, my parents, our home- our happy beginning."

 "Aye," Killian nodded, knowing she still hadn't hit the point of her problem.

 "And the problem with a fairytale is the story always ends, the book closes, and you're back to being whoever it was you were escaping from."

 "Emma," Killian crawled out from under the covers and over to the foot of the bed so he could sit next to her, "what we have here is real, and it's not going away."

 "I know," Emma shook her head, "and I'm trying so hard to believe that."

 "What's stopping you?"

 She shrugged. "Myself. For someone whose job is happy endings, I'm pretty good at destroying my own."

 "What's that supposed to mean, love?" Killian asked, trying to sound reassuring and not like that was the dumbest thing he'd ever heard.

 "I…." she shook her head.

 "You don't need to push me away, love."

 "That's just the thing- that's what I do," she shook her head, "I push people away- people I love."

 And she tacked on, on top of it all, so softly he almost didn't hear it: "and that's why I'll always be an orphan."

 "Emma, love," he said, carefully but desperately turning her face to his, "where did you get such a ridiculous idea?"

 She pushed away physically this time, shaking her head and turning away from him.

 "I'm glad you don't remember," she said, almost smiling.

 "Remember what?"

 "It's nothing."

 "It's not," he insisted, his voice raising above a whisper for the first time that night, "talk to me."

 Her eyes almost seemed the blue ones for all the tears they held back as she looked up at him. He wanted to help her, wanted to dry the tears she was afraid to cry, wanted to clean up the mess she was afraid to spill, and wanted to make everything right for her. That's all he ever wanted for Emma, to be that for her, to be the one she could turn to no matter what she was facing- to be the one who made her burdens lighter.

 "The conversation at Regina's," Emma took a deep breath, "back when we were Dark Ones."

 He'd tried so hard to purge those awful memories, choosing to dwell on their happy moments instead of ones like that, those moments where they didn't trust each other, where they closed themselves off to each other, where they argued with each other….

 "That moment when I told her she'd always be an orphan," He recalled, "her pain now is my fault."

 He didn't know what to say now. All he knew how to do was throw his arms around her, pull her close to him, hold her as tight as he could and choke out an "I'm sorry."

 So, that's what he did.

 "It wasn't you," Emma said, "it was the darkness. I've tried not to mention it, because I know you'd never…."

 Though he couldn't see her face (which was buried in his embrace,) he could tell by the way her voice trailed off that she was crying, and he quickly let go of his right arms' grip around her, so he could catch the tears as they rolled down her cheek.

 He knew his apology was nowhere near sufficient, but he still didn't know what to say- what could his words do to make up for such loveless atrocities?

 "I'm sorry," Emma said, "I shouldn't've brought it up. I shouldn't've mentioned it."

 "Nonsense," he said, taking her hand in his and pulling it close to his chest, "I never want you to think that a problem you have is too big to share with me. Understand?"

 She nodded. He sighed, unsure what words would tumble out after his breath.

 "I love that you're my anchor, Emma," he said, "a ship would be lost without her anchor, and I'd be lost without you. I love everything you've ever done for me. Do you know what else I love about you?"

 "What?"

 "Call me a bit of a narcissist, but I love that you're my mirror. When I see you, I see a lot of myself. I see someone who never gives up, someone who risks their life for those they love, someone who does everything they can to be a hero, no matter what mistakes they've made.

 "And when I first met you, I saw what you were," he continued, "and what I was- a lost boy, a lone wolf- an orphan. And when I said those angry dark words I wish I could take back, words I never should've said- I was talking to myself too."

 He'd never seen a perfect blend of confusion and understanding quite like the one he saw on her face now.

 "We did push people away, love. We did hide from the people who cared about us. That's why we should still be orphans. But that's not what we are anymore."

 "Why not?"

 "Because we turn to the people we love. We've set aside our armor and chosen something new."

 "What's that?"

 "Trust."

 Still holding her hand close to his heart, he instead brought it to his lips and kissed it.

 "Emma Swan, you will never be an orphan again. That's not who you are anymore. You're the Savior. You're my True Love, my happy beginning and ending and everything in between. You're a mother and a daughter and a hero and the most perfect wife a man could ever ask for."

 "Some days I have trouble believing that," Emma shook her head, "but I believe in you."

 With the hand that he wasn't holding, Emma reached up and stroked his face, her cold hand warming against his cheek. "So if you can believe in me, I can believe in me too," she said.

 "I'm glad to hear it, love."

 "And you're not an orphan anymore either, Killian Jones," Emma said. She kissed his hand, then pulled it close to her heart, "You're my family. You're my best friend. You're my true love. My hero."

 "Aye," He nestled his head against her forehead, gently, then whispered "I love you."

 "I love you too," she whispered back, "thank you."

 "Anytime, love," he said, "now, let's get back to bed."

 They both let go of each other, only so they could crawl back across to the other side of the bed. As soon as they were both under the covers, Emma slid into his arms, wrapping her own arms around his waist, resting her head against his chest.

 "Goodnight, my love," he said, craning his neck forward so he could kiss her forehead.

 "Goodnight, Killian." She replied, sounding sleepy but satisfied.

 And with that, Killian fell asleep the only way that felt natural anymore- with Emma in his arms.

#captain swan #once upon a time #killian jones #emma swan #ouat #cs ff #fanfiction #missing moment #fix it fic #once upon a time season 5 #kazzy writes

[dreaming-marchling]

fic writer meme

Thank you @smilebackwards for tagging me!

1. How many works do you have on Ao3? 33

2. What's your total Ao3 word count? 1,855,326 per my stats page - it's kind of wild!

3. What fandoms do you write for? My current two mains are Shadowhunters and Fast and Furious. I have in the past posted stories for Daredevil, Merlin, Harry Potter, Torchwood, The Defenders, Sherlock, Four Brothers and Suits. I have other fandoms I've started fics in but not finished/posted

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? Day Forty Seven [7055] Set Free [4285] Marked in Trust [4132] Listen [3934] Four Centuries and Also Nineteen Years [3876]

5. Do you respond to comments? I respond to all comments while the story is in progress and then for probably a couple of months after it ends before I stop. Unless someone asks a specific question, then I always respond. I wish I could do all of them ever but life makes it hard.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? I almost answered none of them before I remembered Addicted, which is about Brian and Dom hooking up during the first movie which I mostly wrote to prove to myself I could do smut. I'm pretty sure it ends with Brian realizing Mia (who he's supposed to be maybe getting together with as per the movie) heard them do that and Dom knew she would and from there Brian understanding that they're imploding even without him and the FBI.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? Literally all the others, lol. I'm a happy ending girlie.

8. Do you get hate on fics? Yes, in the Shadowhunters fandom if I write Jace as a good parabatai. Occasionally for if I write Isabelle as a good sister or Clary as not a total piece of shit. Also sometimes if I write Alec in a way that suggests maybe Magnus isn't the greatest in the world who has suffered more than Alec ever will.

9. Do you write smut? Yes but I generally prefer the fade to black approach

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you have written? I've never written a crossover.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Not that I'm aware of I don't think. I don't even know if I would want to know, like that would consume me in the worst way

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? Yes, but not as Marchling. All of the comments were telling me that the translator was changing things and it was a bad translation and the person doing it was getting really weird. It was just like a nightmare kind of so now I request no one translate my fics. I'm sure someone would do it better and I'm just being all oversensitive because I got burned once but I'd rather just not go down that road again.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? Yes, but also not as Marchling.

14. What's your all time favorite ship? I honestly don't think I have one, it really depends on my mood.

15. What is a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? Oh absolutely. I have a couple of Shadowhunters stories that I doubt will ever be finished because they just don't want to be written I think. I love the ideas but the ideas don't love me

16. What are your writing strengths? I think I write dialogue well. I try to make sure that I include some sort of realistic recovery even if the story is shorter. I like to experiment with formatting to help tell the story and I think it's generally effective

17. What are your writing weaknesses? I can't write drabbles. I am not good at action scenes. I don't do enough description.

18. Thoughts of writing dialogue in another language in fics? I've been corrected in the comments more than once, lol. I like to do the dialogue in another language but write the English in italics so even if I'm wrong everyone still knows what it was meant to be.

19. First fandom you wrote for? I was like 11 or 12 and I posted my first two stories at the same time. One for a fandom I won't name because they're still out there and it's small enough you could find them and I'd rather die. The other for Angel the TV series. I got more comments on the other fandom one and so I was embarrassed that the Angel one got way less and I deleted it lmao. Did I mention I was in middle school?

20. Favorite fic you have written? I am so proud of so many of my stories but I think the Marked in Trust series is always going to be just the tiniest bit extra special in my heart.

tagging literally anyone who wants to play

#My Writing

[xieyaohuan]

Writer Tag

Thank you for tagging me @blindmagdalena and @saintmathieublanc! ❤️

How many works do you have on AO3?

43, but many of them are one shots and one of them is a translation.

What's your total AO3 word count?

203,854.

Ca. 120,000 of those words were banged out in just a few months during a single manic episode in 2017.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Ravishing a God (which is still incomprehensible to me as tickle fics normally never get many kudos lol)

I've got you pegged (rushed fic and cringy title)

All a king should be (a collection of 47 drabbles of 100 word -- I want to do a drabble challenge like this again for Homewell or Butchlander)

All God's children took their toll (it's not been abandoned)

Under the Twisted Weirwood Tree (my only crossover fic; I really want to finish this one even though it's no longer my fandom)

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I usually do unless it's hate (and sometimes even then)

What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

This is a tough one because most of my A Song of Ice and Fire fic is angst lol. Probably Heart of Darkness? Maybe Joanna (despite the relatively 'happy' ending)? But it's a pretty stiff competition.

What’s the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

I would say Spinster, which is still pretty angsty.

Do you write crossovers?

I've written only one, Under the Twisted Weirwood Tree, which sets A Song of Ice and Fire characters in a semi-modern AU based on The Purge. I really enjoyed the worldbuilding for this one!

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Yes. I gave the wrong name to a character, which REALLY upset at least one person. I think I responded to them in good faith the first time, and then the second time told them to kindly fuck off.

I also used to post my fic on ff.net, where people seem to consider yelling at the author a legitimate type of feedback, and I definitely got a lot of that, but I don't consider that hate since it's just how people on ff.net interact.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I do, in all kinds of directions, but I don't think it's my forte lol.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I think I might have had stuff reposted to websites I didn't know without credit, but it might have just been one of those mirror sites that didn't include all details??

Not to be cavalier about plagiarism, but my internal reports at work get stolen all the time, so with fic, I honestly don't care, since, unlike at work, I'm not actually losing any money. I think if someone took my fic, passed it off as their own, and then got famous with it, I might feel different about that, but that's never happened to me.

I plagiarized @deliciouskeys' title once (for The Dollhouse), but not intentionally because I'd been working on that fic for a while and didn't realize until after publishing the first chapter that my title had been taken.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not that I'm aware.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes, I co-wrote a fic with a fandom friend over 20 years ago, but we ended up never publishing it. Haven't co-written any fic since then, and I don't think I'd enjoy it.

What's your all-time favorite ship?

I don't think I have one since that would require me to maintain an obsession over decades, which is not how my brain works.

What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

A bunch of fic I wrote for ASoIaF like Lions of the Realm and Fatherly Love. I won't to finish all my fic because I hate not to, but with these two, I'm pretty certain I never will. Probably a few others in that same category out there.

What are your writing strengths?

This doesn't really show in my current fandom, but I think I have some pretty unique ideas. I'm also willing to experiment and play around with concepts, which I generally consider a strength on the whole.

What are your writing weaknesses?

I lean towards GRRM's ways of telling a story, but without the skill of being able to pull it off (and to be fair, he's failing, too).

Also, I will say that writing in a language other than your native language will limit you in some pretty fundamental ways that can't be overcome, and that can be frustrating.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

The most I do is insert individual words and phrases, and I only do that for languages I actually speak.

I did write one fic in which several of my characters spoke with pretty heavy dialect, and if I were to rewrite that fic now, I would really tone that down.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Published: Lord of the Rings

Unpublished and without realizing what I was doing: Asterix and Cleopatra, probably

What's a fandom/ship you haven't written for yet but want to?

I haven't written published any real Maevlander or real Starlander, and I definitely want to change that.

What's your favorite fic you've written?

Hard to say, but I really like Moonlight on her Face. I'm also rather attached to Ravishing a God, but I don't count that because for something to be a true favorite, it has to outlive my obsession.

I'm late to the party on this one and have lost track of who has already been tagged, so I'm not tagging anyone, but consider yourself tagged if you want to do this!

#tagging game #writer tag #fic #writing #about me

[theintrovertbean]

Hi!

Life has been a little hectic, and honestly, I feel exhausted. I'm sure a lot of us feel this way because of the drama that happened during the summer. It's noticeable, but I really can't blame you. Not gonna say more about that. But well, my ass needs a break too.

So, from now on until idk when, I will be taking a little break. Could be two weeks, a month, or even half a year. I'm still gonna be here, you can still reach out to me, and I'll continue to lurk the Nadia tags three times a day, but I won't do much posting. You're not getting rid of me.

There is one project that I'll keep working on, tho. Hopefully, it will be posted soon because we've been teasing you about it for ages. I'll let you know about the release.

I'm gonna keep my asks open in case anyone wants to send stuff, which I highly doubt, but I encourage you to do so. Sometimes one request is enough to make me go crazy and give me a much-needed rush of inspiration 😭

Also, I used to write fanfiction, and I've realized how much I miss it. Don't get me wrong, I love writing headcanons, but fanfiction was my thing for years; then I stopped because of life, and I also didn't feel good enough (even though it was apparently more than good enough, but most writers never eel like they are enough). So, right now, I've been leaning towards the idea of making a Nadia x OC story. It's probably gonna be mafia stuff because holy shit. Mafia Nadia. That's all I'm saying. I need that in my life.

So yeah, I want to go back to my roots, but it's kinda scary. I haven't written a whole fanfiction series in so long. It's been, like, almost four years. Holy shit, I'm getting old. And I also fear that I might quit halfway because that has definitely happened before, and I still feel so shitty about it. This turned into a vent. I'm sorry.

Anyway, it's time for me to rest and recover after what happened.

Be bad, have fun, love women, and I'll see you later, simps 😎

-Esz

#esz things