#also lighten up a lil on the hate towards the opposition

[weeb-polls-with-pip]

hey uh. can people maybe *not* threaten to kill themselves in the tags if their fav isn't winning?

Like... even if it's a joke. Cmon guys.

#reminding everyone it's just a tumblr poll for fun 🙏 #also lighten up a lil on the hate towards the opposition #i find it much more compelling to support your girls when you aren't actively nasty towards their peers #just trying to foster a positive community here 👍

[whatisgoingonpaul]

Lost boys backstorys

I made a post while ago on my ideas of the boys past but now I want to update it. I just want you to know I’m still a firm Prequel lover/follower however we don’t get much info on the boys Pre 1906, so that’s what this is for! However personally I would have had more Max so this is going to be both pre 1906 but also include relationship with Max a bit.

I am also including my personal ideas on Last names and age. However I am under the idea that they wouldn’t know/take their last name seriously if the did know it cause- ya know. Orphans. This is going to be lengthy and I’m going to pin it, not just because I want it seen but also to remind myself in fic writing (when I don’t follow these ideas in a fic it’s gonna be Marked as Au- as I’ll probably be messing around with a different past.)

I’ll be doing appearance but only physical as there’s some stylistic changes. For clothing? Honestly so thinking workers clothes/cowboy esc

Also! Their stories are all going to kinda intertwine so I’d there’s not enough info under one theirs a solid chance there’ll be more for them under someone else’s!

David Hardy-

Age(as of 1906): 19

Born: 1887

Appearance: Average height, his hair a dirty blond- near reddish and is around shoulder length. Bearded. (Think doc but with slightly updated clothing)

Backstory:

David Is the only of the boys to grow up with at least one of his parents, living with his mother until her death when he was around 7. They lived in a decent, though cramped little space in San Francisco, by the docks. His father worked on and off- a not so stable style ending in him getting involved in not doing saviory things - getting arrested. His mother worked as a washerwoman. David worked the streets awhile, as a young child now left alone, he learned to pickpocket and live off what he could manage. It was around this time he had found Marko- doing the same thing he was - though arguably less effectively do to his more sporadic nature. At around age 10 the two became extremely close and rather inseparable, Marko even looking up to him despite being the older of the pair. However david wasn’t one to living completely criminal like... he did NOT want to be his father, which lead him to not drinking , EVER. (Even as a vampire he still doesn’t do alcohol.) he poked towards more honest work, also forcing Marko into doing the same , which he wasn’t exactly thrilled about- but did anyway. Tried. David did a lot of work on the docks, odd jobs and stuff like that- but it never paid even half as good as nabbing a wallet or cheating at cards. He wouldn’t be his father- he’d be better- better then all the nobody’s. More level headed then Marko though  ambitious, big headed and still wildly child like- eventually Paul , Dwayne and Jasper joining the pair. Well now, David had himself a full on gang. Never robbery, not that far. The group pickpocketed , cheated at any sort of game or match, that sort of thing... they were still young after all. Smart enough not to go wild like some famous bandit (Though David will admit to his slight admiration of Billy the kid.). He’s a quick learner, and when he learns something- he learns it well- becomes a damn near expert. When he is good at something he is good at it. He is the leader out of the groups mutual respect towards him , quick thinker. Notable flaws: Huge ego, hopeless romantic.

Marko Connelly-

Age(as of 1906): 20

Born: 1886

Appearance: on the shorter side, golden - darker brown hair in this fluff of ringlets it’s long about just past his shoulder blades and typically tied back. Usually dirty somehow (Think Poli but with longer hair and updated clothing)

Backstory:

Born to a rich family , one of those who moved from east to west and actually did make it big. He was a pretty little thing, more a doll to his mother then particularly a child- only taken from Nanny to be dotted over or photos taken. However around the age of 3 or 4 things had tipped, scandal! Missing. That is what the newspapers said anyway he was found missing- was it that he was given away? Or stolen? He was never particularly a child to be quite or sit still or anything such as that... so who is to say? Marko doesn’t remember a lick of that either way as he was far far to young for it but he does remember being alone. This is how he had grown his attachment to birds, they always stuck around. He grew comfortable with being alone, having himself to depend on, getting good at grabbing what he needs- A mansion is stark contrast to dirty winding alleyways. He was always cursed with his looks- even filth covered at 6 he could make sad eyes and tend to swindle whatever he wanted... but he wasn’t completely quick. He’d get in trouble, his face memorable he could rarely pass the same trick again. At 11 David came across him, the two started working and living together (that is where they could find a place to sleep.) he sort of gained this complex. He felt he owed David , in some strange sense he became attached at the hip- a helper, a second- almost servant like the guy had saved his life and he is now the others. It didn’t help that at a young age, Marko had developed what was come to be understood as a deep crush- at times as teens this was reciprocated. As loyal and loving as he was to the other male he wasn’t nearly as cautious, as rule following... he had come to despise authority, to despise the fancy, the rich all of the crowd. He was never sure why. Even regular work got on his hate list... but he gave in and would try to do a normal amount pf work.. it never really worked as there was something, how he would sass, how he looked or smelled or spoke (neither him nor David really spoke ‘proper’ English - meaning no slang or accent). Around when Paul came things started to shift in the group, more mouths- more work and more thinking. Oh yea David and his thinking. Marko is a bit hostile right off the bat when it comes to people he doesn’t know, eventually he cracks and will be more loyal to you then to anyone you’d ever know. He opened up to Paul, a lot sooner then he would have thought the guy was funny and sweet - lil stupid too. David had this grand idea of a little gang, naturally Marko was all for it because illegal activity is fun- it was like a game to him. A liked stealing from pockets and playing distraction for David, as time grew he began to hate how young and gentle his face appeared to be. He LOATHED absolutely appalled the pity glances he would get, the hand outs the whole “oh you poor fragile little dear 🥺” he hated being babied and still does. He hated the stares he got on the opposite direction ... at first, it was funny, it was nice to be wanted in that sense rather then some baby. However... it grew creepy, it wasn’t women or a fella his age...it was more the gaze of older men. Marko detested it so much- he KNEW he’s seen what some of the guys... even younger then him ended up doing- he could see the occasional look in david’s eye. No he would never really consider....no. Paul was more his shoulder to cry on, someone to go to , to ramble to to speak with and just be with. The two were touchy, always leaning against eachother or grabbing their arms, laughing or sleeping or- eventually it became more then casual, it was serious. The two started ‘dating’ at some point- none of them were ever serious on titles but it was good to put a word to it.

Paul campbell-

Age (as of 1906) : 18

Born: 1888

Appearance: tall and lengthy, he has a mole on his left cheek, he has stubble/shadow opposed to a beard. He’s also usually dirty, dirty blond , long hair think Buffalo bill with volume and his hairline not receding

Backstory:

Grew up in a orphanage, hundreds of kids all stuffed together into a few rooms, often sharing beds and everything else. He was never a still child, he would always figit and move and shift - whenever he’s supposed to be quite or still like lessons or Mass he just couldn’t. This - got him most of the attention from the mistresses and overseers- much more quick to slap then to explain... he was docile , quick to flinch and try and stop. Never worked well. Once you get to 7-8ish you work if not adopted by a decent age. Sweeping, factory work he tried it all. He was particularly desensitized to violence at a extremely young age while working in a textile factory- he’s seen a kids arm come clean off. Terror turns to fascination eventually. At some point he’d stopped returning at night finding David and Marko at 15, he started hanging with them- it was safer in numbers that sort of thing- Paul could read a bit , David could write a bit- the three worked it out together. always so distracted- the others learned right off the bat he wasn’t built for pick pocketing no matter how hard he begged about it. Instead he’d do real jobs- sweeping , fighting, placing crooked bets that sort of thing. He always complains. A massive softie since he was young, Paul can’t quite handle being on his own- he’s used to having at least one other person around him at all times causing him to get quite hooked onto the other boys. He hovers around the same places. He is also a fan of dancing- Paul- is music obsessed the moment he heard the first noise of any sort of music he was hooked. He is one about fun- being restrained from it for so long as a child- always to sit out and watch or to think about whatever he did.. oh. Dancing, drinking, drugs, clubs, all of it is his kind of deal- he would drag the others with him when they had a bit of extra cash to deal with. Dwayne and his brother, when they joined on he was instantly accepting, unlike Marko he didn’t have the deep seeded trust issues, he was immediately touchy and happy to share a joke or a comment no matter the glares. He is the one to get Dwayne to lighten up a little bit, to smile he loves to see that smile :). He got around to dating Marko, when they finally put a label on it he was really giddy about it, making jokes and comments- he adores the little names like ‘sweetheart’ or ‘bo’ - he eventually gets around to just plain ‘sugar’ . Marko is the one who really entertains Paul’s love for dancing, the two of them trying to get the others to do something lighten up- eventually their pawing would bare fruit. Paul makes the best out of the worst situation, even if they end up sleeping on the beach more often then not- he somehow makes it seam alright. Except that one time he had gotten sand in Dwayne’s eye and all hell broke lose. He is the current youngest member of the group after Jaspers passing.

Dwayne Maher

Age (as of 1906) : 22

Born: 1884

Appearance: Tall, muscular , tanned(I will establish this now but Dwayne is Native American.) long Black hair with burnet highlights, reaches half down his back.

Backstory:

Born out more Midwest unlike the others he was not born in San Francisco, eldest son of a decent sized family of four kids. Do to conflict he and his younger brother skipped town, skipped state and fled to California.. better options you know?. He’s strong built, hard working and good with his hands though, rather playful most of the time. He looks after his younger brother closely, when there is work they work the same place, when there is not they both still do the same. Quickly took to David and the gang , having a tight knit bond with each of them. He was sort of the muscle - if there was trouble, he knew how to fight and it would likely work better then the knives the boys carried around or the gun David could barely shoot. It was Paul who got him to open up more, about himself and just to speak in general, he’s much more under his breath and jokingly commenting then he is saying something out loud- however if he dislikes something or thinks it stupid you WILL know it. Like David he carries the occasional thought of caution, however he’s not nearly as quick to worry. Maher is not his actual last name , nor does he ever mention it- he simply uses this one when it’s needed as some sort of identification or document. He’s surprisingly good at money, he ends up counting with David and is better at budgeting no matter how he may want or need something. He doesn’t speak on his past as he tries to make it seam he has little of one, he likes to make things mysterious he finds it amusing.

Jasper Maher-

Age (as of 1906) : 16

Born: 1890

Died: 1906

Appearance: shoulder length black hair, typically tied back and braided , tanned, string bean.

Backstory:

The younger brother of Dwayne who is much much more open on how he grew up, casually mentioning things he learned from his parents of his brother (he doesn’t remember his parents that much.) young hot shot sort of kid who’d much rather have action then he would some serious job, loud, energy filled and one for violence- however he’s surprisingly sweet. He often got himself and his brother into trouble. He was a quick and fast young child who grew surprisingly closest with Marko, the two having a habit for breaking every possible rule they could manage together. Their close friendship lead to Marko naming one of his birds after Jasper long after his passing.

Max-

Unknown age but he is seen as extremely old and powerful

Relationship with the boys:

After finding them he has decided to take them under his metaphorical and physical wing, acting as a sort of guardian. Food, clothing, shelter, he was everything the boys didn’t have and was surprisingly inviting in the beginning. ‘I do this for you, you on occasion do this for me’ sort of deal. He wasn’t a leader so much as he was a usual figure, the boys knew and understood him to be above them... so they followed you know? The whole new vampirism thing and the clueless kids- he had to explain and show nearly everything... especially to David, he wasn’t so much harsh to him as he was strict- more of a lead by example sort. Honestly he was father like in a strange sense- that someone is almost like a parent but very much your boss. See... with Max’s strength, there’s this almost automatic level of control- you can’t say no to him. You literally can’t not do what he asks (some supernatural level messing-). There’s something dark about him, in him that the boys still don’t understand in the 80s- but it scares them. It’s strange, it feels unlike him... he seams just like a Dorky , sweet man until...

Some random thoughts that don’t really fit anything

The boys are explicitly religious, past what you’d hear in passing or remember from growing up. Saying “oh god” and respecting religious officials are about what you’ll get

Whoopsies! This was a extremely long post lmao. Sorry for the long read but I could go on and on about them this was just a small blurb to all of it. If you ever wanna hear more do tell me. Also tell me if I should add tw for anything as I know I got a little dark at some points.

#the lost boys #lost boys 1987 #lost boys #tlb #the lost boys 1987 #the lost boys prequel #lost boys prequel #the lost boys the beginning #lost boys the beginning #1906 boys #1906 david #david the lost boys #marko the lost boys #paul the lost boys #dwayne the lost boys #jasper the lost boys #max the lost boys #backstory Headcannons #whoops #parko #marko/paul

[late-to-the-sexy-party]

Solid Ground

A scene in which Rae and Finn hang out and some stuff comes up.

Takes place a while after S2 and I’m not really concerned about S3.

Also posted on AO3.

Thanks, Lil, as always.

Rae and Finn were sitting on his bedroom floor, drinking beer and thumbing through music mags when Rae popped her head up, “Finn?” She tried to make her voice high, lilting, but was pretty sure she sounded harsh and halting. Had he just flinched a little? She was so fucking bad at nonchalant.

From the cadence of that one syllable, Finn could tell he was in for it. Rae often got these ideas of things to ask him which inevitably made him squirm, like whether he ever fancied a teacher or had ever secretly wanted to kiss Archie or how old he was when he’d had his first erection. It had always given him a small thrill, because even though the questions were awkward, he liked the way she made him talk and the way she listened. That’s how they’d built their together world, question by question, answer by answer, a head curled into the other’s lap or legs stretched parallel up onto the wall. More recently, however, her questions had become less fun and more about the other girls he’d dated. He braced himself.

“What did ya like best about going out with Stacey?”

The thought that Finn had been with every hot lass in Lincolnshire made Rae cringe. However, since knowing was better than imagining, she and her diary had launched Operation Desensitization, an attempt to gather as much information as possible, to rake her eyes over the truth and, in theory, neutralize it. But she was growing edgy with this business of sounding casual in the face of what he might say.

The question about Stacey made Finn uncomfortable, but he thought he could manage it. “Dunno…she had a nice house I guess. And I liked her dog.”

Rae rolled her eyes and looked at Finn like he had a screw loose, “Her house? Her dog? Right! Neither of those things are really about Stacey!”

“You asked what I liked about going out with Stacey not what I liked about her.” Finn squinted and shifted in front of her.

“What are we in English class?” Rae responded, exasperated. “Fine! What did you like about HER?” She was regretting her tone, but she couldn’t modulate. He didn’t deserve this attitude, but her head was tensing and something inside her was slipping off its hook.

She was getting worked up and quickly, but Finn still thought he could navigate this. “Not much…she’s not a nice person. I broke up with her when I saw how badly she treated people.” He watched Rae’s face for clues of a misstep.

“Did she treat you badly?” Rae asked with genuine interest.

“Nah, but girls, her mates and stuff. She’s just mean. And, like, so boring.”

“Hmmm,” Rae nodded, searching, “but you…you still had sex with her?”

Finn pulled his lips into a thin line and briefly closed his eyes; there was the familiar feeling of everything shifting and his control slipping away. Over the past few weeks, Rae seemed to be daring herself to ask more and more questions about his past experiences; how he’d met girls, what kind of dates they went on, what they talked about, but this was the most explicit she had been so far. Finn corkscrewed his mouth to one side and looked toward the window as he slowly nodded.

Rae mirrored the gesture. Her mind was regularly plagued by thoughts of Finn with all the girls he’d sexed before. The images came stacked and staticky: a tangle of toned limbs, his tongue grazing a flat stomach, his hands removing a normal sized bra, two people humping in closets that were too small for Rae alone. “You’ve had sex with a lot of girls.”

“Dunno…” was all Finn could muster as he started fidgeting with his ear. He hated the insecurity that led to these questions when it was the opposite of what he loved about her. But he also knew she was trying to work something out, and he recognized the bravery of that. He wanted to be holding her now, kissing her and reassuring her, but he knew better. In moments like this, his touch made her flinch.

Rae knew he’d been with other girls. Beyond his reputation, it was obvious from the way he behaved in bed, something confident and matter-of-fact. But this had been the first actual acknowledgement. The skin on her neck and face felt taut and twitchy. The realness of the moment was hard but satisfying and strangely liberating. When she glanced up at Finn, she realized he looked like someone trying to gentle a spider off a window ledge into a cup, anxious that it might get away or get a leg cut off by the rim. She was sympathetic but undeterred.

“I know you think I’m trying to trap you into saying something you don’t want to say… but please tell me what that was like with Stacey.”

Finn shook his head and furrowed his brow. “Nah…why d’ya want to know all that?” I don’t want to hear about you gettin’ off with some other bloke!” He really didn’t and shouldn’t she find that flattering?

Her mind tucked away the compliment to think about later while her mouth bulldozed ahead. “Alright, fine! But I do want to know. Tell me SOMETHING!”

She was speaking not just with her mouth but with her eyes and her hands too. If he could just kiss her right now, this would all be a lot easier. Finn was at a loss for words, but they were going to have to come soon if Rae’s penetrating look was any indication. He took a deep breath and moved his lips, “Yeah…ok…ah…ahh…I..ayay…arr…Rae! This is weird!”

Rae softened at Finn’s tongue-tied attempt and began to laugh. She hadn’t meant to make him so uncomfortable and it was sweet how earnestly he was trying. In an effort to lighten the mood, she threw a pillow at him, yelling, “Man UP, Finley! Tell me about Stacey Stringfellow’s snatch!”

Finn was laughing too now. But he knew that Rae relied on jokes when she felt vulnerable and he never liked that, so he tried to settle down.

And then Rae couldn’t wait any longer to ask the real question on her mind; she twisted a long strand of hair around her finger, not fully convinced she was ready to know this. “Is it different with me?”

Finn looked down and then up at her, almost guiltily “…yeah?”

“And I don’t mean cuz you luuuv me,” she goaded him, “I’m serious. I want to know how it’s different…like…logistically.”

Finn bit his lower lip, was this what it had all been about? Was she just comparing herself to those other girls? He was shit with words, but this he could answer. He knew what he wanted to say, but it took a long minute to pull his thoughts together. “Look,” he finally started, “I’m not gonna tell you I hated sleeping with Stacey, that would be stupid. But it’s different with you and not just ‘cuz I luuuv you’ and ‘awww we both love Oasis and Morissey’ and ‘Oh Rae really gets me,’ but… I mean…it feels different.”

Rae shook her head in disgust, “Right! Cuz I’m huge, and I smother you.”

“No, I’m not sayin’ that,” Finn was frustrated but caught her darting eyes with his and held them until she focused. “Yeah, your body’s different than anyone else I’ve ever been with. It’s bigger… and softer… and dead sexier.”

Finn raised his eyebrows to emphasize those last two words and they zinged down Rae’s spine. It was new to hear him tell her this so frankly. She knew she turned him on, but… then another thought broadcast across her mind. “Finn? It’s not BECAUSE I’m big that you like me is it?”

Finn let out a small laugh at the no-winningness of this conversation. “No, Rae, I can honestly say that I’d like you no matter what size you were. All I know is your body turns me on like nothin’ else and I dunno…it’s like some kinda bonus.” His eyes had wandered off but now returned her gaze. “Do you remember the first time we did it? That time in your new room?”

Rae looked at him like he’d asked if she knew her own name.

“Right, well after making me wait for months, when I was finally all up inside ya… it was so intense, like I could feel you everywhere at once…in my toes and my knees and my ears. I was kinda lost in ya.”

“Really.” She said as she started to feel the truth of his words.

“Really.” Finn confirmed as he offered one of his most heartbreaking smiles.

Rae felt a warmth in her core from her heart to her ovaries, but she also felt suddenly exposed. She covered by teasing him, “Yeah, I guess that was KINDA obvious, since you came within the first ten seconds!”

“Oi! Girl! We did it like three more times that night. You came like fifteen times!”

“Seven,” she corrected him.

“Ohh only seven? You poor lass,” Finn feigned sympathy. “Seriously though, not bad for our first go. You were…impressive.”

“Aww thanks,” Rae said only half joking, “I had a lot of practice. I’d really built up my stamina.”

Finn almost spit out his beer. She still amused the crap out of him. He zoned out as his thoughts went back to that night. He recalled how after hours of fumbling, she finally taught him how to touch her, how she had dazzled him then with her capacity for pleasure and her appetite for it. Girls had always been so timid with him about what they wanted, acted like they mostly wanted to take care of him. It was so much hotter to watch Rae take what she needed and use him for it. It had been a revelation.

Rae was preoccupied by her own memory, how she’d eschewed Finn’s many attempts to drag her on top of him and then surprised herself by suggesting she straddle his hand. She had probably surprised both of them when she stopped holding back, when she stretched out prone above his whole arm while riding his index and middle fingers, had moved greedily along his hand to slide those fingers out of her and up to her clit, had directed him to stiffen them and alternate pressure between them until she was spasming uncontrollably and he was left with a tiny heartbeat pulsing against his fingertips. And then she did it again…and again… until he was lunging at her lips to catch every moan before it escaped.

Rae was smiling to herself as she reminded him of the aftermath. “I was so sore the next day and you had so many love bites, you looked like you’d been in a fight with a blowfish.”

Finn was laughing now, “Yeah, and I had to hide from your mum in the bathtub.”

“It was some night,” Rae mused.

“Yeah it was,” he confirmed, looking down, eyes twinkling. “And I’m still lost in ya.”

Rae blushed at that, “Well let’s just say I’m not sending out any search parties.”

“Oh yeah?” Finn raised a cheeky eyebrow at her, “Not even a sexy one?”

Rae smiled wide and gave a coy tilt of her head as she nodded, “Ok… maybe a sexy one.”

When Finn saw her teeth as she smiled, he had another familiar feeling, a sweep of relief as the floor leveled and walls realigned. He was next to her in a flash, scooping up her hand and pressing his nose into her shoulder.

He spoke quietly into the crook of her neck, “Rae, that first time…it wasn’t just my feet and my ears, it was like something inside me, like in my head…it wasn’t just your body…it was like everything altogether, ya know?”

Rae wondered again how this kind, thoughtful and gentle soul had found her, but all she said was, “yeah, I think so.” And she meant it, which was a lot.

#my mad fat diary #mmfd fanfic #mmfd #finn and rae #rae and finn #thank you lil #lil's the best #fingers are good too

[dredshirtroberts]

Hooooo boy we are feelin some EMOTIONS today, folks.

this is not a happy post, if you’d like to skip I entirely understand, and in fact encourage doing so.

I’ve been needing to do a one of these for a lil bit because I’ve got Thoughts and Feelings and they are complicated and I can’t accurately parse them in my head so we’re gonna air it out on Tumblr like a sheet on the line during laundry day.

here’s the thing.

I got some complicated family feelings in my chest places and it fucking *sucks*.

I was kept from spending time with my family by various means over the past several years to the point where I wasn’t attending holidays - which, in my family, is just not done. You can skip a holiday but you have to make it up on another occasion and I...wasn’t doing that anymore. Two separate people had me convinced I was not loved by my family, that they did not care for or appreciate me like *they* could and that I was better off not being around my family.

And maybe they had some valid points. Which I hate admitting because they used a lot of “valid points” to get me to be completely isolated in life without anyone but them and any time I branched out I was, for lack of a better term, “punished” for having denied them my attention or time or whatever. (this is of course not as nuanced a take on it as I would prefer but this is already going to be long without me going through the whole...everything, again. You can search the captain rambles and life post tags on my blog for more on this topic).

Anyway...so I’m no longer with people who are actively trying to keep me from talking to other people/being around people who are supportive of my own efforts and goals, etc. And I was welcomed back into my family with open arms and that was...honestly unexpected. After everything I’d had told to me about how they were and how they should be and what I should feel about them...I wasn’t expecting them to love me.

I rode that rose-colored wave for a *while*. But as the world descends into chaos and I learn more things about myself that make me feel more like *me* than I have...possibly ever now that I try and think about it, I am seeing things that I had hoped had been exaggerated or made up by those in my life who had hurt me.

My parents raised me in a very right-wing conservative household. The evangelical style of christianity didn’t come until I was already an adult but the building blocks must have been there or it wouldn’t have happened so...extremely when it finally did. There were a lot of...really shitty attitudes towards other people that I didn’t recognize growing up in it - I didn’t recognize it until a lot later, in fact.

They’re...They don’t see anything wrong with the way they are. Which, you know, *sucks*. 

There’s going to be a lot of dismissive phrases littered throughout this because I’m trying to be...i don’t know. I do it as a thing to lighten the mental load on myself - dismissiveness and joking around, exaggerating for effect, etc. - which i know might come off weird but like...this is really fucking bothering me guys and I...I’m doing my best.

Cause here’s the thing. I was raised believing the world was one way and that we were *right* about things. We had the answers and anyone (liberals) who didn’t agree with us were wrong and would either see the light and come to our side or were too stupid to know how wrong they were so we wouldn’t have associated with them anyway. (reasons why i’m currently frustrated with the political opposition to Republicans/Conservatives/The Right #1 actually)

And then I grew up and I saw the world was not that way. And I expected that my family would be able to see the world with the insight I had gained, and..they just...don’t.

I’ve excused a lot of their shit beliefs recently. not like, trying to defend them to anyone or anything but I don’t confront them. Mostly because I know while they won’t say it to my face, I know how they think about people who think like me (because I was there for those conversations, I was there and I thought like them and now i don’t and that makes me one of those idiots they talked about, a stupid person who can’t see the truth they believe so fully that they think is backed up by facts and figures but their facts and figures are *flawed* - mine aren’t better but I can acknowledge that and extrapolating data from all the things and coming to a conclusion is what I was taught to do but now that I do it for the wrong side what must they think of me? What must they say behind my back?)

I have...a lot of kinda fucked up shit about my family. Nothing overt, nothing that immediately screams to me “Hey fuck-o, this shit isn’t a universal experience and something is wrong here!” but it’ll be small things that I’m like “Ah, okay. Not everyone had this experience and those that did are currently working through the *trauma* of it by going to *therapy*. Hm.”

I’ve done some work in that respect and that’s good. Doesn’t make my issues go away but makes it so I can handle them a little better. Most of the time anyway.

I’m trying to make several things that are true but contradictory work together in my brain and it’s not going well.

1) my family cares about me and wants me to do well.

2) my family has hurt me in the past and is currently hurting me (though not intentionally and not maliciously - please dear god let it be unintentional and non-malicious). 

3) My family does not “agree” with LGBTetc people.

4) My family do not believe that there are systemic issues inherent in the government we live in/under and the society we must participate in (Because it benefits them, and they have not had to challenge their thoughts on this before).

5) My family are kind of racist.

6) My family was my only support system when I was leaving an abusive situation.

7) ...My family might have abused me a little.

I go back and forth on point seven a *lot*. See point 2 about the intentionality/maliciousness factors. If they didn’t mean to do it, does it still count? 

Does it matter if it still hurts?

My sister outright told me that she doesn’t agree with trans people (meaning she doesn’t believe you can be trans, really). But I’m okay because it’s me, and now I can be her gay best friend when we’re drinking at family stuff.

She didn’t understand why I was hurt by that. I attempted to explain it and she got defensive and angry so I just...didn’t fight about it. Just played the part. I’m her brother when it benefits her but otherwise I’m still her sister. I’m still mom and dad’s daughter. Even though I told them I’m not a girl. I told them I’m a guy.

Dad’s response was the most favorable initially and I think...he might eventually come around to it (he’s always wanted a son. he has a boy dog and has also imprinted really hard on his lawn roomba about it). He also might...not.

I’d like to transition further. Eventually. If it’s feasible. But also, right now it’s not. Right now it’s me cutting my hair short and not wearing dresses or skirts (even though they’re super comfy) because I want to avoid being misgendered as often as possible. It’s binding for uncomfortable and unsafe lengths of time because I am a MAN dammit, and I will be a man at this family function in whatever way I can. And when I go to the length that I do to be seen the way I want to be seen and I am *ignored*....

fuckin’ hurts you guys. I just fuckin’ hurts. 

And I want to correct them. I want to stand up and say STOP YOU’RE HURTING ME. PLEASE. I AM NOT A GIRL. I HAVEN’T BEEN THIS WHOLE TIME I JUST DIDN’T KNOW WHY I DIDN’T FEEL RIGHT AS A GIRL. PLEASE JUST CALL ME A BOY, USE MY PRONOUNS, USE A NEW NAME OR AT LEAST THE NICKNAME THAT ISN’T MY FULL NAME. 

but i don’t.

because I’m scared of losing them again.

And it’s fucked up because they’re *already* lost. They’re Fox-watchers and Trump-supporters and they don’t want to listen to science or facts or *anything* outside of what’s presented to them by pundits and talk show hosts, and the fucking EIB network with their political propaganda for anything that isn’t what the liberals want.

And I don’t know that I can get them back because they’re *real* far down that particular rabbit hole. And I’m...I’m just trying to figure out what I want in life. What makes me happy. And part of what I want is what I always wanted and never had.

I want my mom and dad to look at me, see me, see what I do see how I try and what I love and care about and tell me that I’m enough. That they love me because this is who I am and I am enough for them. Even if I wasn’t accomplished and didn’t try they would still love me because I’m *me*. and I’m their *child* and they *love me*.

And GOD it is so FUCKING painful to know that’s not a realistic thing to hope for. Because I’ve been trying for 28 GODDAMN years doing ANYTHING and EVERYTHING I can to be enough for them. I played good, christian, conservative little girl for SO goddamn long, even when I wasn’t Christian or conservative anymore, even when I saw the cracks, I wanted to be what they wanted.

And even now that I *am* what my dad wanted (a son) I’m not enough because to him i’m still a girl, to my mom I’m the failed daughter the one she didn’t do enough for so now it’s about how she fucked up and not about NO. This is ME. Stop. Stop LOOKING at me like that WHEN YOU DON’T SEE ME. YOU SEE SOME IDEALIZED VERSION OF ME WHO WAS NEVER GOING TO EXIST BECAUSE SHE WASN’T ENOUGH EITHER.

...

This is a lot more than I thought it would be, pain wise tonight, guys. My bad. 

I’m still struggling with my eating habits, I’m still struggling with my self-worth, and finding what makes me feel fulfilled. I’m getting better at some of it though.

I’ve smiled and laughed more in the past week or so than I have since I came out to my family. I wouldn’t have done that without my very very good friends who are very very kind to me and god I wish I could do more than draw stupid pictures and write stupid stories for them but it makes them happy too? so i’ll just do what I can and maybe it’ll be alright. 

Gonna try not to fall too deep down the abandonment issues pit tonight folks. I’m already upset enough. 

Good talk.

#I was fine and then all of the sudden I was no longer fine #whoops #lol #processing trauma'll do that to a guy i guess #the captain rambles #LIFE POST #haven't tagged that in a while heh #not feelin so great tonight babes but i'll be alright eventually #i love all of you very much and if you ever feel lost or alone or are hurting (esp because of family) please know i am here for you #i don't want any of you to feel that way about it #come to my DMs send me an ask whatever you need #i love you be safe be healthy and most of all be kind

[wackpainterkid]

things change (1/1)

A/N: So I did it, I finished my first Liv x Noah fic! I based this one of my favorite OG Skam scenes (aka Noora’s article breakdown) and changed it to fit Noah and Liv’s relationship. It’s a lil bit sad and a lil bit happy because that’s how I roll. It’s kinda long too because that’s also how I roll. I hope you enjoy it because I really enjoyed writing it!

Rating: T (no mention of that other cause of the breakdown in here)

5200 words

also on ao3

Noah hadn’t heard from Liv in a couple of hours.

That wasn’t unusual really. She loved to keep him on read and only answer a few hours later, it was her way of telling him that he wasn’t the center of her life and she had other important things to do. It was the last of her defiance towards him remaining, specifically crafted to test his own patience, to keep him on his toes. Who was he kidding, though, this girl was driving him mad in the best way. And he couldn’t get enough of her.

So no, not hearing anything from her for a couple of hours didn’t set off any alarms. He had sent her multiple texts though, starting with a question of how she’d slept and ending with a link to some indie concert happening tonight with the message that it made him think of her and whether she’d would want to go. He didn’t really need an answer to his first text but to receive a response to the latter would be nice.

-/-

Noah hadn’t heard from Liv in a day.

The concert had come and gone and neither he or Liv had been there; he had stayed home alternating between painting and staring at his phone awaiting a last minute call where she’d apologize and tell him her phone had died or that she’d had so much fun with her friends or maybe with Ralph and Esra that she completely forgot to check it. But his bedroom remained absolutely void of duck sounds—maybe it was time to consider another ringtone—and the worry, in turn, was prevalent.

Noah: Liv, is everything okay?

All he needed was a simple yes, a thumbs up even. Anything to negate that little voice inside his head whispering that something was wrong, the feeling that sat uneasy in his gut that that she wasn’t okay.

God, he shouldn’t be freaking out like this because his girlfriend hadn’t been on her phone for twenty-three hours.

The checks remained grey.

Maybe he should simply go and see her. He was allowed to go her apartment, He’d even gone there when she still hated him and he was trying to get in her good graces, though admittedly that wasn’t his best move. Things had changed now, however, it was almost his second home by now, most of their time together was spent either in her room if they wanted privacy, or in the living room if they felt like being entertained by Liv’s roommates and their antics. Hotel Overvecht had quickly become one of his favorite places filled with his favorite people. And his favorite person wasn’t answering her phone so going there was the only option.

Noah grabbed his coat, his keys, his bus card and hastened to the stop nearest to his house. Her apartment was on the outskirts of the city and that meant that it was quite the commute from his house in the city center. He didn’t mind though; it wasn’t all that bad. The anticipation of seeing her again normally occupied his thoughts and made the trip accelerate. Usually. Not today. Today, the concern made the trip drag, made it slow, made every extra minute too much.

There wasn’t much of his cool demeanor left as he rushed along the hallway to the elevator– going up six flights of stairs would do him no good. He checked his phone one last time as the elevator was on its way to him, but his inbox remained painfully empty. The device disappeared back into the pocket of his terracotta colored coat. He bit the nail of his thumb, still a hint of black—or was it blue—remaining from his nail polish, as he stood in the elevator that brought him closer to her.

It took him nineteen steps starting from the elevator before he was standing in front of her door. The doorbell rang and he nervously fiddled with the rings on his finger as he waited for some sign of life. What would he even do if she wasn’t home? Maybe call her friends to ask if they knew where she was?

The door swung open in the middle of Noah’s pondering and his eyes shot up from the floor to the entrance now revealing Ralph. Liv’s roommate placed his hand along his chest before speaking: “Noah, oh thank god you’re here. I was close to calling you myself.”

That definitely didn’t help to assuage his worry. Ralph let him inside—rather forcefully pulled him in—the apartment and quickly closed the door. Noah’s eyes scanned the living room in search of that set of curls he was so fond of, but the search came up empty. He looked back at Ralph, who seemed to understand the question in his gaze. “She hasn’t been out of her room for almost two days,” Ralph told him with a low voice, his eyes moving to the closed bedroom door. “I’ve knocked and knocked but it either remains dead silent or she tells me to leave her alone.”

Noah frowned as he processed the information. So, it wasn’t just him that she was giving the silent treatment. What on earth could cause Liv to act this way? “Do you know what’s wrong?”

Ralph shook his platinum blonde hair. “I have no idea. She’s been acting a little bit distant—no, not distant. Distant is too negative,” he corrected himself, “She’s been distracted all week. I thought it might’ve been a school thing, but it only got worse on Friday. She snapped and yelled at me and I haven’t seen her ever since.”

Ralph’s face distorted with hurt and Noah felt sorry for him. He could sense the anguish radiating off of him, something he had never seen happen before. His bubbly personality was always the dominating one. And although Liv often took on the role of the grown up in here—cooking and cleaning and making sure the bills got paid—Ralph was Liv’s big brother for all intents and purposes. He could manage to make Liv lighten up and show her there was nothing wrong with goofiness instead of being serious all the time. But apparently it hadn’t worked this time.

“I’ll try and go talk to her,” Noah said, both disclosing his approach and making an unspoken promise to Ralph to try and get to bottom of the situation and maybe see if he could help solve it. To be honest, he’d already be happy if Liv would just show her face.

He moved towards her door and went to gently knock. The knock, however, was louder than he intended, his ring got in the way, and Noah grimaced. Not a very gentle approach .

“Ralph, go away!” Liv yelled.

Breathing went slightly easier now that he at last had some sign she was indeed still alive, even if it wasn’t the reception he was hoping to get.

He cleared his throat before speaking. “It’s not Ralph, it’s me.” He paused and then continued. “Noah,” he clarified.

He pricked up his ears to discern any reply coming from her room but was only met by silence.

Hesitantly, he spoke again. “Liv?”

It didn’t take as long for her to answer this time.

“Why are you here?” Her voice sounded way smaller from when she ordered Ralph to leave, but closer too, as if she stood opposite of him with only the door as a barrier between them. Noah placed his hand on the door as if that would allow him to get closer to her and make her perceive that he was there for her.

“Because you’re not answering your phone and I got worried. It seems I had reason to be,” he later added in a tone only meant for himself.

“I’m fine.” But her words couldn’t convince him, they were unsure, tremorous, like she knew herself she wouldn’t be able to convince him of their authenticity.

God, he needed to see her, look into her eyes and see what troubles lay behind them, whether the skin under her eyes was ever so slightly discolored, whether the creases between her eyebrows seemed deeper than before.

“Can you open the door?”

“Noah, I’m fine, just go home.”

Ralph and he shared a look of disappointment and of despair. Noah raked his hand through his hair and took a deep breath.

He wouldn’t give up this quickly.

“Liv, let me in. Please,” he whispered against the wood of her door, wishing, hoping she had caught the emphasis of his words, what lay beneath them, what he was truly asking her.

She had.

The sound of deliverance reached him as there was first a click and then a creak, before the door opened just the tiniest bit. A wave of relief engulfed his being as he slipped inside her room.

Instead of her normal clean and tidy room, it seemed like a whirlwind had travelled through her bedroom; there was paper scattered everywhere—the floor, her desk, even some on her bed. Her small piano was set on the floor, a couple of her albums carelessly thrown around it. Noah was the messy one in their relationship and even he saw no logic in the chaos.

But he wasn’t here to analyze the contents of her room, he was here for her.

Liv stood quite far from him, fidgeting as she looked at him. She was wearing a white shirt and a pair of sweats; her hair was pulled into a loose bun.

She looked exactly like the time they went on their date. Noah wanted to smile at the realization and felt both happy and content. Sad because of what circumstances it had ended and content because look at how far they had gotten since then. Since she was so closed off and angry with him. Now she liked—dare he say loved—him. Now she had let him in.

Some things hadn’t changed, though. She still called him a weirdo on a daily basis, she still rolled her eyes at him but now she couldn’t pretend it truly annoyed her because he could see the spark in her eyes. The way it always got accompanied by a smile.

But there was no subtle smile to be found right now, nothing that made him optimistic about how she was doing. Because quite frankly, he could see that she was doing terribly.

“Hi,” he said.

He didn’t go over to her to kiss her like he usually did as he was very aware of the situation they found themselves in. She didn’t have to let him in, could’ve left him standing outside begging but she didn’t. She had genuinely debated it, though, so pushing her boundaries was not something he wanted to do, not now.

She didn’t reply.

As Noah took her in, all of his mental boxes got checked. Troubled, check. Tired, check. Sorrowful, check. He was right to worry about her.

“What’s going on?”

Liv’s brown eyes looked at him before moving to the corner of her room. Her body slumped in a profound sigh and she rubbed her forehead.

He was expecting even more silence, even more deflecting, even more pretending that nothing was wrong while they both knew differently but she surprised him by answering truthfully.

“I’m supposed to be on my way to Amsterdam in less than two hours with two brand new songs to go sing live at some label. But I’ve got nothing. I’ve tried and tried but everything that comes out is absolute shit and I can’t even think anymore because all I can hear is my dad saying that maybe we should try again and again and again.”

“Liv–” he carefully tried to intervene as he carefully stepped closer to her.

She didn’t pay attention to him.

“People are just demanding that I sing here and sing there because who cares about what I want, whether I want to sing?”

“Liv–”

He continued to come closer, step by step for it not to feel like an invasion of her personal space. The last thing he wanted was for her to shut him out again.

“Who cares that I can’t hear anymore that I’m too young and too inexperienced, who cares that I cannot find a moment of peace, that being rejected over and over has made me so exhausted but that I still can’t sleep at night?”

He cared but he hadn’t known. How didn’t he know about all of this? They were together and he didn’t realize things weren’t okay with her? She’d managed to guess what he needed when his mom had died, why hadn’t he been able to do the same? Noah stopped himself from going down that slippery slope; it wasn’t about him, right now. It was about her being okay, about her calming down.

“Liv, it’s okay,” he attempted to reassure her. He gently took ahold of her hand to give her a lifeline, something tangible to hold on to. It seemed to help for a couple of heartbeats but then she abruptly yanked her hand out of his grip and distanced herself from him again.

“No,” she refuted. “No, it’s not okay.  I have nothing… Oh god my dad is going to be so angry. My career is done before it has even started. I have to–” She never finished her sentence. Instead, she shook her head and was in search of something in the chaos of her room.

Noah could see her going frantic, more and more distraught with every second that passed. His hesitant approach wasn’t working, so it was time for determination.

He grabbed her face between his two hands forcing her to stand still and look at him, his thumbs traced circles on her skin in an attempt to soothe her, to calm her down, to give her something to focus on her spiraling thoughts. He brushed over her eyebrows, followed the curve of her nose, circled her lips.

“Liv, you don’t have to do anything,” he told her. She only stared back at him. “Except for breathing, I do need you to breathe,” he quickly added when she was standing slightly too still.

In response, she took a deep and slightly shaky breath after which her eyes fell shut. As she opened them again, tears sprung in her eyes. She looked away as the presence of tears became more and more persistent and overwhelming right up until a tear broke loose and ran down her cheek. Noah’s thumb was quick to catch it and wipe it away from existence.

To no avail because two more followed suit.

“It’ll be okay.”

He let go of her face and enveloped her, wrapping his arms tightly around her. Her tears continued for a while, gathering in a wet patch on his T-shirt. He kept on placing kisses on the top of her head, and he could feel her slowly relax and melt into his body. Her arms copied his.

The room stayed quiet for a while with their breaths as the only sound. Noah was going to let her be the one to break the silence if she felt like it or keep it if she preferred it. She eventually picked the former.

“He only cares about me becoming famous.” True exhaustion colored her words. “He doesn’t call or text except for when it’s to discuss music. He didn’t even ask me if I wanted to do this, if I wanted to go to Amsterdam. The stupid label meeting is his dream, not mine. I don’t even like making music anymore.”

“Do you want to go to Amsterdam?”

He felt her shaking her head against his chest. “Not like this, not this… forced. I’m seventeen, I shouldn’t be worrying about all of this. I should be worrying about school and stupid stuff. This is not what I want.”

“What do you want, Liv?” He had an inkling of what that might be, but he needed to hear it from her lips. He couldn’t make assumptions and decisions for her, not when it was exactly that that had caused the situation they were now in.

“Honestly?”

A corner of Noah’s lips lightly went up. “When haven’t you been honest with me? Brutally so even,” he said in an attempt to make her think back to the moment that was currently replaying in his mind and perhaps make her smile.

It didn’t work.

“I just want to sleep and not think about songs or lyrics or labels or my dad.”

“Then we’ll do exactly that.” She looked up at him with disbelief in her eyes. “Noah, I can’t sleep right now, it’s the middle of the day.”

“Sure you can.” He nodded. “I’m doing it too.”

Noah let her go and quickly toed off his shoes. He watched her and silently asked her if she would join him to which Liv simply nodded in the end.

They each claimed a pillow and faced each other in bed. They only looked at each other for the first few minutes or so, cataloguing every detail of each other’s faces as if they didn’t already know the placement of every freckle and of every eyelash. Noah tucked a stray curl behind her ear and Liv adjusted his chain a little bit.

“I don’t think my dad even loves me,” she suddenly whispered so quietly Noah wasn’t completely sure he was supposed to hear it or even respond to it. But he had to, because he loved her too much to let her think something like that.

“Liv.” He looked her in the eyes. “It’s impossible for someone not to love you.”

Tears flooded her eyes again and she sniffed. Liv crawled closer, wrapping her arm around his waist and when he went to lay on his back, she placed her head on his chest.

“Thank you,” she mumbled against his shirt.

“Try sleeping now, okay?” Noah said as he smoothed her hair and occasionally placed a kiss against her soft skin.

He wasn’t truly planning on sleeping; it was more a harmless lie to get her to agree to rest but the anxiety had taken a toll on him too and perhaps his own sleep hadn’t been so great either last night. Right now, he felt completely at peace, at home even so close to her, with the smell of her coconut shampoo lingering in her curls and so he dozed off for a bit too with his head buried in her hair.

His sleep didn’t last long, though, it wasn’t more than an hour or so before he woke up again, but it had been enough to make him feel rejuvenated.

Her phone vibrated on her nightstand, but he ignored it.

Noah spent some time laying there just watching her, taking note of the composition she was lying in: her pillows spread around her, some stray pieces of paper still in the bed, her brown skin in contrast to the white sheets. His sketchbook was already filled to the brim with sketches of her and still he wanted to draw her, capture her essence and beauty on paper.

He kissed her forehead one last time before getting out of her bed, he straightened his shirt and ran his hand through his hair to model it again.

Again, her phone buzzed.

Her room was still a mess and if he were to wake up to it, it definitely wouldn’t help with the anxiety, so Noah began to tidy a bit. He threw all of the crushed pieces of paper in the paper basket, he picked up all of her albums and ranged them back into their alphabetical order, her piano got put back on her desk. He saw a little book lying open that he recognized as her journal and went to grab it. Liv wouldn’t want all of her private thoughts in the open like that, so he closed it and neatly placed it on the edge of her desk.

He smiled in contentment with the tidied room and sat down in one of her chairs. He always carried a book with him so he removed it from his tote bag and opened it on the page he last read. He’d read until she woke up and then let her decide what they’d do next.

Her phone kept on getting notifications, echoing the persistence of their sender, first only a simple buzz but then growing into sounds of a minute total, it went from texts to calling. It was distracting to say the least. He glanced over to Liv, but she was still sleeping soundly. Noah sighed and laid down his book. He got out of the chair and grabbed her phone, going through the notifications on her lock screen.

Dad: Have you arrived in A’dam yet? We should just meet at the label, will be more convenient.

Dad: Don’t forget we’re supposed to be at the label in half an hour!

Dad: Missed call

Dad: Honey, where are you? I’m waiting outside.

Dad: Missed call (2)

Dad: Liv, I’m looking like a fool right now, I hope you have a good excuse.

Dad: Missed call (3)

Noah wanted to tell him to fuck off, to leave Liv alone, inform him of how his daughter suffered under his pressure, of everything she had told him earlier with tears in her eyes. He didn’t. He just swiped one of the notifications to the left, pressed reply and quickly composed a text.

Liv will not be coming today, thank you for understanding

Noah muted her phone, turned it around and returned to his book.

He was able to read an additional chapter before a soft knock on the door interrupted his reading again. He stood up and opened the door.

“Hey,” Ralph said softly. “How is she?” His dark eyebrows were stuck in a frown.

Noah decided to simply show him instead of telling him and widened the door opening to allow Ralph to take peek at the room and Liv sleeping.

“Oh good,” Ralph replied, some of the tension leaving his body, “I’m sure she needed that.” His eyes left Liv and focused back on Noah. “Have you eaten yet?”

Noah shook his head.

“Do you want something? Esra made me some soup and it’s really good.”

He was getting quite hungry, the three bites of apple he took this morning definitely hadn’t been enough to satisfy his stomach for breakfast and it was well past lunch time right now. Looking over his shoulder, Noah cast a look at Liv but she seemed like she had entered a deep sleep and like she wouldn’t wake up very soon.

“Sure.”

After quietly shutting the door behind him, Noah followed Ralph into the kitchen and went to sit at the kitchen table.

Ralph stirred in a big pot and grabbed a ladle to transfer the green soup into two smaller bowls.

“It’s still a little hot,” he said as he set one of the bowls in front of Noah, who shot him a grateful smile as he carefully pulled the soup closer.

Ralph went to sit down but immediately jumped back up causing some amusement with Noah.

“Oh! Spoons!” The drawer shot open, a rattling of cutlery following, and he removed two spoons, handing one to Noah.

“Thanks.”

With care, he tried a spoonful of the soup. It was quite hot but it wasn’t anything he couldn’t handle. “Can you tell Esra that her soup is delicious?”

“I sure can.” Ralph beamed with the compliment, even if it wasn’t even meant for him but

They ate in silence for quite some time, both simply savoring the rich flavor of the soup with each spoonful.

Ralph placed his head on his palm and watched Noah as he took a sip of his water. “Have I told you how happy I am she has you?”

Noah looked up but stayed quiet.

“She doesn’t trust easily and I know she keeps things from me, not like major secrets or anything but how she really feels. She puts up a front.”

He felt like interfering and reassuring Ralph that that wasn’t the case but then he’d be lying. That was how Liv was, he’d noticed that pretty early one and he—they— had worked on getting down those walls ever since. They were still there, today was a testimony of that, but they had lowered at least, they didn’t entrap her anymore.

“I’m just glad she doesn’t do that with you, that she trusts you,” he continued. “I’m not saying she isn’t sincere with me; Liv has always been wonderful and I love her to bits but she’s always so focused on making others happy that she tends to forget about herself. But you remind her she needs to think about herself too. So, thank you.”

“No thanks needed. It’s completely my pleasure.” His lips curved slightly. “I’d do anything for her.”

“That makes two of us.” Ralph squeezed Noah’s arm. “Though she did ask me to stop taking so many selfies of myself and I don’t know if I’m truly ready for that.”

Noah chuckled, a deep and genuine laughter coming from him. “One step at a time, I would say to that.”

The rest of the conversation was lighter, more trivial about their favorite nail polish brands and Ralph asking whether he couldn’t paint a life-size portrait of him, which Noah politely declined, at least for now.

The bowl was completely empty, and his stomach was sated again. Noah decided to return to Liv’s room. He was quite certain Liv would continue to sleep for a while longer, but he still wanted to go back; in the unlikely case that she did wake up early, he didn’t want it to be to an empty room.

In the end, she slept for almost another two hours and Noah was close to finishing his book when Liv took a deep breath and stirred. Noah’s eyes left his page and shifted to her, checking if everything was okay. She moved even more, and he saw a brown eye appear and then another one signaling that Liv had woken up.

“What time is it?” she croaked as her eyes were slits as they grew used to the sunlight flooding her room. Her hand went to rub her face.

He closed his book, placed it on her desk behind him and went to fish his phone out of his pocket before clicking it to life.

He walked towards the bed and crouched next to it. “It’s 4:30 p.m. You slept for almost five hours,” he said, a hint of pride and delight in his voice.

Still not a proper amount of sleep but it was a good start.

“Five hours?!” She shot up, removing her blanket and jumping out of bed. “The meeting was three hours ago! Noah! Why didn’t you wake me?”

Noah rose again and walked to her.

“Because you said you didn’t want to go. So, I didn’t think it was worth it to interrupt the only sleep you’ve gotten in a long time,” he explained.

Her face softened in understanding and a sigh escaped her lips. “Still, my dad must be so worried.”

“It’s fine,” he assured her. “I sent him a text so he wouldn’t worry.”

She looked a bit lost, the stress and expectations had been the only thing that had kept her running and now that they was no longer needed, now that they had partly disappeared, it seemed like Liv didn’t know what to do anymore, it seemed like she was now aimless. She cleared her throat.

“You want some tea?” He motioned to the teapot that was standing on the desk, an empty cup and an almost empty one next to it. “Ralph made us tea.”

She nodded. He walked over to the table and filled her cup after which he added some more to his. With a cup in each hand he approached her again and handed her one.

“Let’s sit,” he proposed and gestured towards her bed again. She seemingly didn’t have anything against it and followed him, the both of them slightly sinking into the mattress as they sat.

Liv cradled the tea between her hands, absorbing the heat that was emitted through the ceramic while she stared into the distance.

“Sorry,” she said, eyes still focused on nothing in particular.

“For what?”

“Making you worry.” She took a sip from the warm drink.

Noah shrugged. “It’s fine. It’s not like I haven’t done it to you before.”

He had done it when his mom had died, had maybe even given Liv more reason to worry than she had given him today.

“Not the same.” Her head shook softly. “I’ll try to be better and to not shut anyone out. Especially you.”

“Liv, all I’d like is that you don’t lock yourself in anymore, both figuratively and literally, so that we can at least help. It doesn’t even have to be me: Isa, Ralph; they’re all options, you just have to let someone in. I don’t want you to drown in those thoughts of yours.”

She bit her lip as she considered what he said to her and her eyes suddenly traveled to her bedroom door. “I should probably go apologize to Ralph,” she said as she drank absentmindedly.

“Perhaps, though I’m sure all he truly needs is to just see that you’re okay.”

She hummed.

Noah took her in again. She looked less troubled, less tired. Her hair was slightly messier, she was still wearing the white T-shirt and grey pair of sweatpants.

“Maybe I should clean up a bit, I look like a mess,” she said, suddenly aware of how she looked as well.

“Seeing that this is actually exactly what you wore to our date, I think you’re fine.”

She stared daggers at him. “Fuck you.”

He smirked in response and it elicited a hint of a smile on her face. And while the sadness had not yet completely gone, it had begun to recede, slowly but surely, leaving room for the light to return.

Her cup got placed on the ground and she turned towards him, leaving Noah curious as to what she was planning to do. She placed both of her palms on his cheeks, apparently it was now her turn to cradle his face. The act of affection caused him to smile and her thumbs immediately went to trace the dimples that appeared.

“I love you, Noah Boom.”

And while he had suspected it for a while now, he had not been prepared to hear the actual words coming out of her mouth. He was quite sure he looked ridiculous as he was trying to contain his shock because a quiet giggle emerged from the person who had caused this reaction.

She kissed him before he could truly get a grip on himself and respond.

“But you’re still a weirdo,” she said, once they broke apart again, with her own smirk on her lips.

Like he said, some things hadn’t changed.

But others had.

#skam nl #skamnl #noliv #liv x noah #boomers #linoah #noah x liv #skam ff #liv reijners #noah boom #written words

[shaysaysayheihei]

We May Have Won but At What Cost

This is my first time writing a small one shot. This short story is not saying some ships are better than others I was just feeling angst and wanted some fluff w/ fluff. This was for the Harmonia event Lotor Ship Week. Today was day one victory/Defeat. I Attempted mixing both so um... Enjoy

We May Have Won but At What Cost

It’s bright and soft chatter and laughter fills the conference room. Lance keeps a soft formal smile on his face to keep prying eyes from his quiet corner. He stood there and scanned the area seeing the Paladins and Lotor talking with other leaders of the coalition against the Galra Empire. He stood there looking pretty they discussed the recent victory they achieved with Lotor ascending the Galra throne. Lance was proud of this achievement but he personally feels he lost a part of himself the last couple of months. Although Allura has warmed up to him there is still a giant gap between them. This is not including the way Pidge and Hunk seem to have replaced him with each other. But hey Lance understands three is a crowd. Sighing inaudibly his smile fades a smidge and he feels the glare coming from the person he admires most and feels his chest tighten. He turns towards Shiro and smiles apologetically and all he gets from the Black Paladin is a disappointed stare before ignoring him once again. Lance feels his eyes sting and his smile waiver. To hold back his emotions, he clenches his hands before taking a deep breath not noticing the stare from the certain male they were celebrating that evening.  

Having enough of standing around he heads towards Pidge and Hunk trying to be included in the conversation; but to no avail he was left confused and ignored. Frustrated he headed to Allura who only looked at him with pleading eyes telling him he was not welcome. Lance thinks about going to Shiro but as quickly the thought entered it exited as well. Lance wished he could just get a sign he was loved or wanted or even if they just tolerated him. All he seemed to receive lately was indifference and annoyance it made him feel worse than when he almost died in the blast saving Coran. Lance is shocked to feel a tear fall and quickly wipes it and looks around the room to see if anyone saw. Lance was almost relieved until he met with the eyes of the new Galra Emperor. His eyes widen clearly distressed but years of hiding his feelings he places his façade once again and struggles to smile sheepishly towards him.

Lotor looks at Lance slightly concerned but the moment Lance saw his attention being asked for again he made his exit of the hallway quickly. He walked briskly to the bridge where he saw Coran asleep while standing up and instantuosly he felt guilt. Here he was feeling bad for himself when Coran was working himself to the bone to keep the Castle up to par with all the battles they have had. He silently walks towards Coran and taps his shoulder softly to wake him. Coran wakes with a start rambling that he had not been asleep.

Lance chuckled softly before clearing his throat to speak clear, “Hey Coran go get some shut eye. I’ll man the bridge since I have free time now.”

Coran looks slightly shocked to see Lance during party, “Lance why are you here the party is not close to done, my boy,” Coran places a hand on his shoulder looking at him worriedly.

Lance gives his best effort to smile brightly, “Coran I’m no good at being diplomatic so it’s best be here than standing awkwardly at the party.” Lance turns away from Coran facing the stars letting a bitter smile grace his usually happy face, “Besides I rather be useful right now and help you since I know you’re very tired. Lance turns and smiles brightly at Coran while pushing him out of the room.

Coran looks slightly worriedly at Lance but obliges to the Lance’s urgencies and leaves the room feeling the full weight of his exhaustion. Lance finally relaxes once he knew that Coran was long gone to his room and heads to the control panel. Standing at the control panel he finally feels all the emotions he suppressed over the last few months come to a boil and falls to his knees as silent tears cascade down his face freely. Lance continues to cry not noticing the bridge door opens and a male entering. Said male shocked to see Lance on the floor worries that he is injured and walks quickly to his side. Once by his side he places a hand on him and Lance freaks and practically throws himself from the unknown male.  He hastily wipes his tears and stands attempting to ignore that he was caught by someone. Once his vision clears he looks at the uninvited intruder and gasps in shock to find that of all people it was Lotor that caught at such a fragile state.

Lance clears his throat and attempts to lighten the mood that had become unbearably tense, “Lotor, buddy, you’re missing the party that was made for you. What is the star of the evening doing here with lil’ ol’ me,” Lance finger guns as he does often when nervous.

Lotor just stares at Lance taking in of the tragic beauty whose eyes seemed to glow brightly with unshed tears and secrets. Lotor found Lance to be most intriguing of the Paladins because he near seems to show his emotions like him but was different in his approach to keep to himself. Lotor wanted to unearth all of the tiny human’s secrets and be the one the Paladin would depend on. Lance was internally freaking out when he noticed the intense stare Lotor had on him, almost as in looking directly into his soul and not himself. Lance felt uncomfortable and cleared his throat slightly to clear the lump that had formed.

Lotor is freed from his trance before smiling softly and Looking Lance in the eye, “I am not one for such parties the formalities bore me,” Lotor pauses and looks out at the stars before steeling his nerves and continuing, “Besides why make small talk with strangers when I can be speaking to an extraordinary and lovely individual like yourself.”

Lance’s mouth nearly gapes and he flushes unsure if he had heard correctly. Lance regains is coherency and replies almost squeakily, “Perhaps you had to much of Hunk’s cactus juice,” Lance reasons with Lotor although it seemed more towards himself regardless he continued, “You best return you will be missed by the party’s attendees.”

“Nonsense, the attendees had too much of the juice I left to avoid the witnessing their wild behavior. So, I assure you I stand before you completely as I always am. I know what I said seemed out of place and out of character but I assure I meant them.” Lotor leans down worriedly when Lance began to cry again fearing he had overwhelmed him.

Lance could not believe that put of everyone the one who had come to comfort him was Lotor. Lotor, of all people, the man who is stupidly attritive and mysterious was here now flirting lamely and honestly with him, Lance the outcast. Lance feels Lotor wiping his tears away causing more to fall and feeling so overwhelmed by happiness he hugs the giant nuzzling into his expensive robes.

“Lance are you okay? Did I say something to offend you” Lotor asks worriedly but relaxes when he feels Lance shake his head no in response to his question.

“Then tell me why the tears? They do not suit to run down the face of someone as beautiful as you” Lotor slides down to sit on the floor to better see Lance’s tear stained face.

“The opposite you said what I had needed to hear a long time ago. The tears are of happiness,” Lance speaks softly which is completely unlike him but he takes a breath and continues, “I am also happy that you seem to return my feelings unless I am gravely mistaken?” Lance asks shyly.

Lotor beams which is completely uncommon for him and decides to respond to Lane’s question through action. Lotor swiftly brings his lips to the small but plump and soft lips of the cute Cuban boy whom had enamored him. The kiss between the two seemed to last ages although it was hardly that long. They moved closer to the windows to view the stars together cuddling and enjoys each other’s company drifting off to sleep soundly. They are found by Coran sometime after his power nap and was happy to see the genuine and serene smile on Lance’s face once again. He knew Lance would hate to be caught by the others so he awoke Lotor and gave him directions to Lance’s room. Lotor understood Coran’s motive and picked up Lance. He Carried Lance close to him and walked briskly and softly as to not disturb his new lover’s sleep. Upon arriving to the room, he undresses Lance from his armor and then lays with the unconscious boy soon falling asleep once again feeling excited for the future knowing that he can face anything with Lance by his side.

[invinciblewings]

What Are We?

Taehyung x Reader

sum: You can never lie. Your words do, your body doesn’t. 

genre : angst with a lil fluff

Cliche but try it out. This is pretty long.

The crowded city seemed never tired lighten up the night. Even when the hand of time pointing at 3 in the morning. Cold breeze caressing the trees outside, could be told by the window how low the temperature was that night. Your eyes staring blankly at the night sky, stars filled the darkness. Beautiful, but not you. You let the emptiness of the room swallowed you, leaving you with no marks.

He won’t come.

-------------------------------------- 

You never thought you’ll get the peace in your life, especially because of this guy, who was now in your bathroom brushing his teeth as if he owned the room. Your bestfriend. Who else? You thought.

You were in your dreamland when you woke up by the sound of running water. You walked to your bathroom, opened it widely to found the boy almost naked with a towel around his private area, holding toothbrush and your toothpaste. Well, it was nothing unfamiliar, actually you used to it. But you still need your sleep.

“It’s 6 in the morning, Tae. I repeat. It’s 6 fucking early in the morning!!!”

“Did I wake you up?” he looked at you innocently.

“When you don’t?” you slammed the door and slipped back under your blanket, but you couldn’t sleep. That’s why you always hate it everytime you wake up in the wrong time, you can never get back to sleep. 

You went to your kitchen, making yourself some toast and maybe chamomile tea. You made and extra toast for him so he would shut his mouth. You were busy in front of the stove when he suddenly appeared behind you. Luckily you didn’t hit him with the frying pan in your hand. You pushed him aside and put a perfect sunny side up you made for yourself. You told him to sit.

“I’m shooorry for whaking youf uph so eally.” He said while munching at his sandwich.

“I can’t hear what you said, swallow first. More important, what’s wrong with your bathroom?”

“Here. Listen.” He moved his body forward as if he was going to tell you a secret. “I’m in a hurry, and I run out of water. Since I have your separated key, I came here.”

“How cliché.” You pushed him away with. “Where are you going?” he put his finger in front of your mouth, shutting you up. You knew what was that mean. Her. His current girlfriend. You nodded and he smiled brightly showing his boxy smile a few inches from your face. You couldn’t help but frowned. You hit his forehead made him leaned back on his seat.

“Just go, don’t make her wait. She’s already poor enough to getting you to be her boyfriend.”

“What was that? Are you jealous?” your frown gotten deeper. “How about be my girlfriend instead?” now a sarcastic smirk formed in your face.

“Hell no. Having a fuckboy like you as a boyfriend never come even in my dream.” And his expression changed. Changed completely, but you didn’t catch it. He stood up, grabbed his things and walked to the door.

“At least I have been in relationship unlike you. No one would ever date you, you monster!” He shouted before putting his shoes and walking towards the door. Leaving you stunned with your chin in your hand, you rolled your eyes. Used to his unpredictable mood.

“At least I’m not dating a man who’s changing girlfriends like changing clothes.” you screamed back, followed by door being slammed.

You spoke the truth. How fast Kim Taehyung gets a different girl every once in a month. He would show you his girl as if she was a new toy, honestly you always think they are . And you just nodded. You’ve told him so many times, one day karma would hit him so hard and you would be the first to laugh, but he pretended he can’t hear you, so you let him.

Besides, You never see the point of being jealous over his girlfriend, cause’ he always have the time for you, and will come back to you no matter what. You are his bestfirend, he won’t leave you.

-----------------------------------

You never bother to ask him where he had been, he would always tell you, but lately it seemed like he forgot about your existence. You wondered why. You called him since you both promised to watch that film he bought last week. He answered almost in the first ring.

“Tae? Where’re you?” 

“Umm, I’m in my girlfriend’s place, we’re having a movie right now. What’s up?”

“What?” you didn’t misheard things did you?

“What is what?”

“Aren’t we supposed to— just forget it.” you inhaled deeply. So he forgot. “Enjoy your night.” With that you ended the call. 

He had a girlfriend so you couldn’t be selfish. It’s been a month since they started dating, it was unusual for him. Maybe his brain finally working and you giggled at the thought.

You drag your feet to the huge window in your living room, presenting the scenery of lights from the city and stars. One of your favorite place in your apartement aside from your bed. You love to do this, just sit there, thinking randomly, talking randomly when he was there, but he wasn’t. You should admit it, you was a little bit lonely.

----------------------- 

When he paid you a visit, it was two weeks after. You just contacting each other by phonecalls or messages. You almost scold him for leaving you alone. But you didn’t, instead, you were joking. “I’m sorry but I’m not buying anything you sell mister.”

“Is that the new way of welcoming a guest?” he raised an eyebrow looking down on you because the height different.

“Guest? Maybe you got a wrong address?” 

“Oh come on y/n, move.” he pushed you aside and you didn’t fight back, you just let him in.

You both laying on your bed, staring at the ceiling. You didn’t ask why he didn’t come over to your place. You didn’t want to make him uncomfortable. So both of you just enjoying your time as usual. 

He told you a bad jokes, you let out your famous sarcastic laugh, he threw chips he bought at you and you hit him. You both were dissing at each other, like you were on a rap battle. When he lost to you, he rose up from his position and tickling you, made you laugh hard. Your eyes already blurred with tears, so you grabbed his wrist and tried to twist it. But he was faster. He pinned your hands above you head and smirk.

“I win.” He said, and you laughed at yourself feeling defeated. 

He was the first to stop laughing. He didn’t take his eyes off of you, instead he stared at you more intensely. 

You felt the awkwardness and asked him to move away. But his next action left you froze in place. He slowly moved closer and brushed his lips towards yours before really kissed you. You were taken aback by his action and moved slightly but he hold you still. You could feel the warmth radiated from his body, slowly made you closed your eyes and forget about what actually you both did.

His kisses were slow, letting each second past, felt every single inch of you in his lips. He kissed you like he missed you, and yes, he did, but you didn’t know. To be away from you was killing him, torture him in the way you could never understand, he missed you like a human needs air. He couldn’t help himself. Especially when he finally could see you again, could savoured your beauty again.

When his lips moved more passionately with yours, it was like reality just slammed you back to the ground so hard you couldn’t breathe. You pushed him away from you, his lips leaving yours as if your heart also being pulled away. But you couldn’t do this. He has a girlfriend.

“You have a girlfriend.” was what You could manage to say, above a whisper. A hurt look stained your face, and also his. You both hurt.

“I’m sorry. I’ve to go, she’s waiting for me” With that he left you alone. Tears formed in your eyes as soon as he dissapeared.

What are you to him? Are you one of his toy?

And what is this mess in your head?

You miss him whenever he’s not around, you feel save every time he holds you, and you smile every time he smiles. You didn’t know, or you didn’t want to admit it. Never comes to your mind, cause’ one thing you knew, you should never falling in love with your bestfriend. Especially, he had been with someone. You know that.

But these unfamiliar feelings you had for him was saying another words. It hurt you so bad. So bad you sure you bleed.

-----------------------------------------

He never contact you after that. Not even a single message. You lost your bestfriend. Every night you spend your time staring out the window. Sitting on the floor folding your knees, hugging it tightly. Deep inside, you was waiting for him to barging inside your apartement like he used to, but he never came.

One night you decided to go out getting some cakes to make you feeling better. But maybe life said the opposite. Your eyes meet his, right in front of the café. You could see his hand intertwined with someone’s. His girlfriend. She was cute, tall and beautiful in the same time. No wonder his relationship last for almost 4 months now. 

He told her to go inside first. Leaving you both alone. You were about to leave when he dragged you to an empty hallway.

“Listen. Y/n, I’m very sorry. I want to say it earlier, I’m sorry. It was an incident. That was nothing serious. Just forget it okay? Can we be friends again?” hearing that, your blood boiling in your veins. Nothing?

“So it was nothing? Are you having fun playing with me? Yeah maybe that was nothing serious compared to other kisses you’ve been giving to those girls, but I’m not your hoe!” you exploded. How foolish you are to thinking it was something when it never was.

“I’m not toying you. Beside it was just a kiss, what’s so important?”

“It was my first.” You search for a reason.

“That was my first too.” He said looking at you.

“Liar, how I supposed to believe that?”

“I’m not lying. Even though I date so many girls, I never kiss them.”

“No, I can’t believe you. If you never kiss any of them so why me? We’re friends, Tae.”

“I love you.” and you felt your heart stop beating. Silence filling the air. You wished you were deaf for brief seconds

“What?”

“You heard me Y/N. It’s because I love you. Not as bestfriend, but as a girl. But you always say we are friends, you treasure me as a friend. What was that? You made me scared that I’d break what we have. And break what’s so important for me too. You.” he breathe heavily. You stared at him, completely taken aback.

“Being with you is the hardest thing I have to face every damn day. So I started to date some girls, but the stupid me will always come back to you. Even if you don’t need me as I need you. Maybe this is the karma you’re talking about.”

“No. That’s not right.I need you. “ you denied it. You need him. Always.

“Do you ever realize how many times I ask you to be my girlfriend? But you just toss it aside. I never joking when I said that. Moreover, you joking about me being a fuckboy. Whose fault is that? What am I supposed to do? 

“Why are you telling me all of this now?” but he avoided your question.

“One day I thought to myself maybe this is the best way, at least I still have you by my side, spending my time with you, cuddling while watching movies, falling asleep together and wake up with you. Title isn’t important as long as I’m with the one I love. I couldn’t ask for anything. Until I let my selfishness killing all of that.” he bend down his head. Avoiding your eyes. You didn’t know what to say. He felt that way? All this time?

How cruel of a human you were from his story. He felt the same way as you, who was afraid to falling for him. The different was, the reason you buried your feelings was you, the reason he hide his feeling was also you, wasn’t himself.

“That kiss, I couldn’t hold my self any longer.” He raised his head back, staring at you. “I had decided to move on, with her, but the idea of not seeing you after so long made me crazy. I missed you so bad I couldn’t control myself. You got my hopes up by letting me kissed you, but then you pushed me with the expression I always hate to see. The hurt in your eyes.”

“How wouldn’t I? Every girl will think herself being played when the guy already has a girlfriend.” you tried to compose yourself.

“Then let’s make things clear. I love you. I really do love you Y/N. Please be mine. What do you say?” you paused, stunned like a statue. Then you remember about the girl inside the café. His girlfriend. You weren’t cruel enough to break an innocent girl’s heart. She didn’t deserve this.

“See? You can’t answer.” He said when you didn’t answer.

“Your girlfriend.” His eyes widened. “Go back to her. We can’t be selfish. She doesn’t deserve to be treated this way. Maybe we need times to think.” You said before really walked away. You heard him whisper ‘So, that’s it?’ but not looking back anymore. Not for him to saw you crying.

--------------------------------

The melody of your ringtone was filling the darkness of the room, but you didn’t care. He stopped coming. Not even once. You didn’t contact him at all, as well as him. You were ready to cut all the ties you had with him. You and him were done.  

You spend your day as usual but strangely every night always turned out the same. The things never go back to how it was. 

You sat in your favorite spot in front of the window. Back then you had a company, now you were all alone. Only you and your repeated incoming calls ringtone as the back sound. You couldn’t feel your feet you sure you turned into an ice.

You missed him.

You never thought that words would come in your mind. You lost something so precious for you. Not just your bestfriend, you lost your soulmate. Not just your body felt numb, your heart also did.

When the silence finally returned, you heard a faint sound of footsteps.

The man who left you empty appeared behind you, meeting your eyes. You didn’t bother to move, just looking back at him with no emotion. He already took everything away. Little did you know, you did the same to him.

Then you turned your attention back out of the window. Your eyes started to feel hot. You were gonna break. He walked slowly towards you, eyes not leaving you. He noticed it.

He sat beside you close enough to make your shoulders met, but he said nothing. Just sat there brought his knees to his chest, same as what you did. 

“It’s over.” finally he whispered.

You knew what he was talking about but didn’t say a word.Your tears falling free from your eyes. He slowly took your hand in his, intertwined his fingers yours. It was cold as yours but as both connected, it became warm. 

“Can I say it once again?”

When you didn’t answer, he leaned closer placing a soft kiss on your lips. “I love you.” whipped your tears away. “Please, be mine.” and last, placing another kiss on your temple.

You closed your eyes feeling his presence.

He comes.

--------------------------------------

Long. just it. I don’t know where this came from, this is kinda cliche. I’m sorry if not hit your expectation.

and sorry for the grammatical errors.

#kpop scenario #kpop angst #kpop #kpop scenarios #scenario #kpop angst scenario #bts scenarios #bts #bangtan #bangtan sonyeondan #v #kim taehyung #taehyung #shortstory #drabble #story #writting #fanfiction #kpopfanfic #fanf