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chaoticace2005 · 1 month

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Spiders, their senses, and Angel Dust implications

I already screamed to @xxqueenofdragonsxx about this but figured I’d put it out there because I was doing research and I can’t stop thinking about it.

While we don’t know how canon it is to the show, this does have some implications for fanfics and is fun to consider.

Spiders don’t have ears. Or noses. Or tongues.

People have already made jokes about Angel’s lack of a nose, but it tracks with that fact. We also don’t see his ears, although we have seen his tongue (which, given he isn’t an actual spider there can be some allowances made.) Yes, he doesn’t have pedipalps to act as a substitution for his nose/tongue, but that isn’t the only place they can smell/taste things.

It’s their legs/feet(?). Their legs and bodies have sensory hair cells that allows them to detect vibrations in the air, as well as changes in electrical fields (which… Vox and Alastor implications? Can Angel sense them.) Humans hear via sensory hair cells too, but those are concentrated in the cochlea of the inner ear and surrounded by the outer/middle ear system (eardrum, etc.) Spiders don’t have that. They also have chemoreceptors that can smell and taste things.

Now, as someone who didn’t know much about spiders it’s cool to think about in terms of a character with some spider-like characteristics. But then I thought about this other aspect of Angel

His clothing

More specifically his constant usage of gloves/long sleeves/boots. We know he hates his spider feet, and yeah, the usage of gloves and his blazer can be to fit his style, but it’s also fun to think that maybe him wearing them is an active attempt to reduce sensory input? He’d still get some vibration input because the fabric won’t block everything, but it won’t be as direct. But since spider sensory organs aren’t localized like humans are, this could essentially be the equivalent of wearing a headphones. (Also do you really want to taste every single thing you touch?)

Which brings me to the second order of business: when he DOESNT wear his gloves. We do see him have to be bare for the camera, and if you consider him wearing clothes as a way of sensory modulation, he could essentially be forced to get all that input. Sensory overload would already be so ways in a place with so many sounds, lights, smells, etc. but imagine if you also have to do that when not used to such a level of exposure?

In humans there’s a condition called hyperacusis, which is basically a reduced pain and discomfort threshold to sounds. Some everyday ones can cause pain. Some neurodivergent people also have sensory sensitivities like that, in both cases sometimes headphones can help to reduce input.

The thing is though, if you constantly wear them you’re reducing your own threshold. It’s not recommended for people with hyperacusis to wear earplugs all the time because it makes them even more sensitive when not wearing them.

So, if you apply the same principle here, there is even more reason to consider the idea Angel would have some level of overstimulation just from not having his clothes on, combine that with the work environment, what he has to do, and the emotional turmoil of it all and that just makes it worse.

Which… with me anyways I’ve found when I’m too overloaded my brain tends to nope out and dissociate. So that could be what happens to Angel as well.

Then, there is one time outside of the studio we see him with uncovered arms and that’s the battle at the hotel.

Here, he’s wearing gloves but his arms are exposed. So it could be said that he’s allowing himself access to more input while also not overwhelming himself. He still has a buffer with the gloves on, but he also has heightened awareness for things around him.

Again, the amount of this actually being applicable in canon is hard to say. Sense we don’t know how spidery Angel really is (since again, he does have a tongue) and what level of research went into that aspect of their character designs. But I think it’s a fun thing to consider.

So uhhh… yeah. Totally normal about this all as someone who totally isn’t interested in audiology, hyperfixating on hazbin hotel, and neurodivergent myself.

(Update: there is now a fic)

#I would like to state that this post is based on 2 am research of jumping spiders and spiders as a wholes sensory perception #so if there is any wrong information feel free to correct me #excuse me while I combine my special interests in a post #hazbin hotel #angel dust #angel dust hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel headcanon #hazbin hotel analysis #hazbin hotel meta

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imfinereallyy · 1 year

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Tattooed Steve, pt. 2

Part 1 here

Soooo I ended up writing more tattooed Steve. I couldn’t resist. I also realized that Eddie would be the first person to find out but like…other than Robin. But I didn’t count her because Steve and Robin are the same person honestly at this point. Anyway I hope you like it! Pt. 1 is linked above.

—-

It’s two weeks after Vecna when he gets his first one. It’s unexpected, impulsive even, but Steve needs to feel something. He has just spent the past week and half waiting for Eddie to wake up, staring at his pale form, wishing away the anxiety with every beep, beep, beep that comes from the heart monitor. Begging for this stupid, stupid man to wake up.

He isn’t really sure why he wanted Eddie to wake up. Sure the ruggrats love him, and there is the general sense of not wanting any innocent person to die on his watch, but Steve knows deep down it’s about something else. Or more like the potential of something else. He tries not to think about it too hard.

So during that first week and half of watching a comatose Eddie, Steve takes his time studying the man. Learning every curve, and every scar. And eventually, every visible tattoo he can see. They are interesting, not all of them good, but all very Eddie. It somehow makes them better. Some of them are messed up from the bat bites (ironically the bat tattoos remain untouched), but they add to his aesthetic if Steve is being honest with himself.

When Eddie wakes up after that week and a half, groggy and confused (especially towards the fact that Harrington is practically holding vigil at his bedside), the first thing Steve says to him is “Oh thank god you’re awake.” The second is “What the hell were you thinking?” Before Eddie proceeds to pass out again.

Later, when all of the doctors and family and friends have had their time with him, the third thing Steve says to Eddie is, “Tell me about your tattoos.”

And despite the fact half of them are mangled, Steve doesn’t think he has ever seen anyone light up that bright in his life. And when Eddie starts waving his hands in excitement, Steve can’t help but think that he’s never been so close to the sun before.

So, two weeks after Vecna, Steve makes a decision. Or again, if he’s being honest, an impulse. He finds old books in the library about tattoos (which aren’t very helpful), and finds zines hidden between the pages (much more helpful) on stick and pokes.

Steve shows up with supplies from Melvad’s (for a probably very dangerous tattoo kit) at Robin’s doorstep. “Robs, I need you to give me a tattoo.” Then she proceeds to spit all of her morning tea on him.

After a lot of shouting “Did you hit your head again dingus? Oh my god did you get into another fight? Are you having a break down? SPEAK STEVE.”

And a lot of convincing, “Robin I’m fine. No I’m not having a breakdown. Robs, Robbie, Birdie, I swear nothing happen. I just want to do it.”

The end up on Robin’s bathroom floor (because of course all important things happen on the bathroom floor), with a look of deep concentration on her face. “I can’t believe you’re letting me do this, with only twenty minutes from a zine you smuggled out of Hawkins Library. I can’t believe they even have zines.”

“I don’t think they were aware of it honestly.” Steve snorts. His shirt was off, a patch hair already shaved off right where is heart is placed.

“Do you know what you want?” Robin asks, head tilted.

“No, not really. I was hoping you would help.”

Robin hums, like she’s resisting the urge to point out how impulsive he’s being. Like she knows he needs to do this. “Tell me what made you decide to want one.”

So Steve does. He tell her about waiting for Eddie to wake up. Wondering why Eddie got them. Wanting to own himself again, to actually like something new on his body. Put something there he had control of. His curiosity of if it were painful. His interest behind the stories of Eddies tattoos. How Eddie lit up so bright when asked. Wanting to feel like that. Wanting to be close to the sun again.

Robin mercifully didn’t look too deeply (or at least didn’t push on it) about the interest in Eddie himself. “Okay, I think I got it. Just…hold still.”

Twenty minutes later, after three passes with pen ink and a needle, Robin disinfects his tattoo. Before she covers up, she asks “Do you want to see it?”

Steve nods his head eagerly. The tattoo had painful, more painful than he expected, but he found it sort of grounding. Something to keep him aware of himself, almost as if he was able to grasp parts of himself he wasn’t conscious of before.

When Steve stands up to look in the mirror, there he sees off center on his chest, a wonky little sun. It was something a preschooler could have drawn, but it was one of the most beautiful things Steve had ever seen, and it was made by one of the most important people in his life.

Robin says shyly at Steve’s speechless state, “You said you wanted to be close to the sun again.”

Steve scoops Robin up in an instant, ignoring the stinging both on the outside and inside of his chest. “Thank you Birdie.” Which translates, you are the only person I ever need etched in me forever.

“Always, Stevie.” Which means, you’re never getting rid of me anyway.

They pull away with tearful smiles, and silent promises. Steve can start to feel maybe not much like his old self, but somewhere on the way to who he truly is.

Then Robin says, “Okay, me next.”

————

okay I wasn’t sure if really anyone wanted more, or if I was going to do it but I actually really enjoyed where this ended up. Also I apologize for any tense changes. I quite literally type this on my phone and say screw it, without looking it over. Let me know if you want more maybe? Send me prompts even. Thanks for reading :)

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wheredidhiseyebrowsgo · 11 months

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I’m new here so I’m sorry if I missed an FAQ about rec lists instead of general fic locate requests. If you do regular rev lists on your fave fics but can you do a list of your favorite Stackson Brotp fics? Like it’s still endgame Sterek but still has a healthy dose of Stackson brotp please. I’d really appreciate it

joonniverse asked:

Hey there ! Would you happen to have any fic recs where Jackson and Stiles are/become really close? Any Stiles centric pairing is fine

AND

Anonymous asked:

May i get some fic recs for Jackson and stiles friendship? Either childhood friends or became friends post Canon or anything in between. If stackson happens that is also ok as is any other ship.

Alright friends. It took me a minute but here's some of my favorite Stiles and Jackson friendship fics. (alternatively this could be renamed " A list of mostly isthatbloodonyourshirt fics")

So When Do I Get To Pledge My Loyalty To The Mob? by RedRidingStiles

(1/1 I 10,146 I Mature I Sterek)

“Are you my sugar daddy?” Stiles blurts out, slapping a hand over his mouth when his brain catches up to his mouth.

The man lets out a soft laugh, making his way around the couch till he’s standing just feet away from Stiles.

Stiles can smell his cologne from here, it smells heavenly, Stiles kinda wants to bury his face into the guy's chest so he can figure out exactly what it is.

“If that’s what you’d like to call it.” The man smiles.

Stiles doesn’t think he should be allowed to smile like that. All soft and gorgeous and way too pretty to be legal.

He’s still not convinced any of this is real.

Stiles loses his wallet, someone returns it along with $5,000. Shit keeps coming, Stiles life doesn't make any sense anymore, he's just going with it.

Quack (Stiles Stop Calling It That) by isthatbloodonhisshirt (wasterella)

(1/1 I 15,980 I Teen I Sterek)

“Stiles, I’m serious, I need a favour.”

“That sounds like a trap,” Stiles Stilinski muttered sleepily into both his pillows. “You know,” he continued when the man in his room made no move to leave, “you’d think I’d be used to this. My dad, coming into my room, smacking my ass to get me out of bed, waking me up at the ass crack of dawn—”

“It’s almost one.”

“—waking me up at the ass crack of one,” Stiles continued without missing a beat, “and asking for a favour. Given my life growing up with you, you’d think I’d be used to this by now. I think the reason this hits so hard now is that I specifically bought my own apartment so that you couldn’t wake me up at the ass crack of dawn—”

“Stiles, it’s almost one.”

“—so that you couldn’t wake me up at the ass crack of one.”

Everyone Needs a Little Mischief in Their Life by isthatbloodonhisshirt (wasterella)

(1/1 I 17,984 I Teen I Sterek)

Finally, against his better judgement, and having gone in circles for much too long, he blurted out, “Who is my soulmate?”

The Witch looked disappointed, like he’d fucked up. Like he’d fucked up bad.

But she answered anyway.

“Mischief.”

Derek stared at her, not understanding, because what? “That’s not a name,” he insisted.

“Not exactly, no.” She offered him a small smile.

“I don’t understand.”

“You will.”

Sweet Buns by skoosiepants

(1/1 I 17,935 I Teen I Sterek)

Stiles hasn’t seen Derek Hale this close up for over a decade. He looks almost exactly the same, except somehow he seems even bigger and broodier—criminally handsome, with soft-looking dark scruff, heavy brows, light hazel eyes. His gaze zeros in on Stiles almost immediately, and his scowl lightens minutely in what looks like surprise.

Stiles is acutely aware that he has melted butter and cinnamon all over his face, and tries to surreptitiously wipe it with the ends of his sweater-sleeve.

I've Lived A Better Day by HelloWhyTheFuckAmIHere

(18/18 I 32,819 I Not Rated I Sterek)

When Stiles comes across a rogue Alpha during his first year at Berkeley, the ensuing fight doesn't exactly go his way. He calls an unlikely ally to help him with his transition, and finds out his new pack isn't quite who he might have thought it would be.

Stiles is now left with the task of trying to figure out how his old life will fit in with his new, but that is not without its challenges.

Stilinski's Home for Wayward Wolves by owlpostagain

(1/1 I 35,197 I Teen I Sterek)

“At least your puppies knock first,” Stiles snorts. “Here I thought their alpha raised them to be well-mannered.”

“There’s a sign,” Derek responds stiffly.

Stiles, whose curiosity outweighs even his hardest of grudges, abandons his chilly façade of nonchalance in a heartbeat. He jumps right up and all but pushes Derek out of the way in his effort to get to the window, and sure enough when he leans outside there’s a laminated strip of cardstock duct taped to the vinyl siding:

DON’T FORGET TO KNOCK Stiles gets cranky when we scare him

---

Or, in which Stiles Stilinski moves to Beacon Hills for his junior year of high school and accidentally adopts a pack of teenage werewolves.

There’s No Escape for the Potato Man by isthatbloodonhisshirt

(1/1 I 53,977 I Teen I Sterek)

“Who is this? Where’s Erica?”

“Wrong number, asshole!”

“Stop calling me an asshole,” the man on the other end snapped aggressively.

Stiles could understand. He’d be pretty aggressive too if he’d murdered someone and texted a wrong number to ask for help burying the body. This guy obviously failed How To Be a Serial Killer 101.

“What kind of idiot thinks I murdered someone?”

“The kind of idiot who got your text messages, you fucking dumbass!” he retorted hotly. “Maybe double check your contacts before sending a random stranger details on your nefarious plans to dispose of a freshly cut up body!”

“What?!” the guy on the other end demanded, crossed between horrendously confused and livid.

Have You Met Me? by Niecy8

(23/23 I 60,462 I Mature I Steter)

Derek’s eyes widened as his mouth contorted. “Good luck with that. First of all, he has sworn off alphas. Second of all, he will never ever agree to fake date and third of all, he’s just as stubborn as you.”

Oh, this idea of his was becoming more of a challenge. Peter certainly doesn’t want to back down now. “Please Derek. I am Peter Hale. I am charismatic as fuck. I can steal candy from a baby. Stiles will be no match for me.” And he was an omega. Despite what his nephew said, he could definitely turn on his alpha charm and the boy will be putty in his hand. It would be a slam dunk in his book.

Laughing through a wheeze which was rude by the way, Derek caught his breath. “Please tell me when you go to his place so I can video when he slams the door in your face.”

Later, there would be a door slammed in his face. Yet the boy did take the flowers Peter brought over as an ice breaker before doing so because Peter can be warming and Derek was not there smirking at him so he called it win.

Yep, challenged accepted. He would most certainly convince a certain omega to fake date him for a week.

What Fresh Twilight Bullshit Is This? by isthatbloodonhisshirt (wasterella)

(7/7 I 196,137 I Explicit I Sterek)

“I am not Bella!” he insisted, shaking his fist angrily at Jackson, as if he’d been the one to suggest he was. “I am not Bella! I am, like, a Jacob, at least!”

Lydia made a noise of debate from his right and he whipped around to look at her.

“What?! What was that sound?!”

“You’re more of a Mike,” she insisted, shrugging neatly and flipping some curls over her shoulder.

“Wha—” Stiles had never been so offended in his life! “I am not! No way! I am a solid Jacob!”

“Mike,” she argued.

“Who’s Mike?” Scott asked.

“Shut up, Scott!” Stiles insisted, pointing a finger at him but still glaring at Lydia.

AND

@lovesouthernsweettea and @harriet-wimsey suggested this one!

stuck in reverse by crazyassmurdererwall (smartalli)

(1/1 I 66,656 I Explicit I Sterek)

Look, Derek is the worst. Everyone knows that. Their fearless leader is a total and complete failwolf.

Which means the rest of them? Are kind of the worst too. They’re a ramshackle, slap dashed, sorry excuse for a pack that’s about a half second away from getting one of them killed. And this is a problem, because Stiles would really like to survive high school. Thanks.

Still, nobody deserves what Derek has gone through. Nobody.

And it’s about time somebody told him that.

AND

@midnightwinterhawk suggested these!

stuck in reverse by crazyassmurdererwall (smartalli)

(1/1 I 65,656 I Explicit I Sterek)

Look, Derek is the worst. Everyone knows that. Their fearless leader is a total and complete failwolf.

Still, nobody deserves what Derek has gone through. Nobody.

And it’s about time somebody told him that.

Shovels and Dirt by bellefire

(15/15 I 88,628 I Mature I Sterek)

The nogitsune’s power doesn’t leave Stiles after the spirit is defeated. No, it seems Stiles was changing and knowing what that darkness did to his friends he refuses to put them in danger again. He leaves without a word. Now in a new city with not quite new friends Stiles realizes no one can run forever. Because family doesn’t back down and also, yeah, that fuckin’ tree really is talking to him.

AND

@nolanfa suggested this one!

See You on the Other Side by damnitgreenberg

(18/18 I 146,077 I Mature I Sterek)

Stiles isn't doing so well on the ‘dealing with life’ front. He'll admit to that freely, okay? But he quickly discovers he isn't the only one, and that person’s inability to adapt and roll with the punches may cost Stiles his own life.

AND

@ah-lone-drah suggested this one!

Derek's Person by ash_mcj

(3/? I 3,916 I General i Sterek)

Derek didn’t like people—they set him on edge in a way that nobody quite seemed to understand, much to his vexation. They always invited themselves into his space, like they somehow had a right to be there. They touched his clothes, his books, his skin—leaving their scents clinging to things that were supposed to smell like himself. They expected him to talk to them, and never managed to wrap their heads around the notion that he just couldn’t. Words were difficult for him to use most of the time, and despite all efforts to communicate in other ways, people just didn’t understand. But it didn’t matter anyway, because Derek didn’t like people and had no inclination to socialize with them.

But Stiles was…different, somehow. He did everything that Derek hated, and more. He intruded into Derek’s space, he rambled constantly, loudly, with flailing arms and fidgeting fingers—and his presence should have driven Derek up the wall, but it didn’t. Stiles didn’t set him on edge, like everyone else did. And maybe most surprising of all, he understood him.

[or: reclusive, feral-risk derek hale finds solace in a wild child, much to his pack’s surprise]

#teen wolf #sterek #stiles stilinski #derek hale #stiles and jackson #anastasia review #submission

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t-0ne25 · 1 year

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(6) kitchen storage room

The storage room might be a little obvious but it’s not likely that Minho will make a straight b-line to approach that part of the cottage first. Plus, you’re behind closed doors and possibly able to snack something.

To your surprise, your preferred destination is already occupied, but you decide to scoot in there as well, knowing there’s no turning back now anyway. You haven’t reckoned the face yet due to the lack of light in here but the person stays silent.

Weird. All of your friends would have made a stupid remark in case you joined them in such a cramped room. You hope it’s not Hyunjin, though.

So, you get your phone out from your back pocket and illuminate the little space, finding a shy Jeongin dangerously close to you.

“Hi, Innie.”

How beautiful his nickname sounds when it’s spilling from your lips. When Seungmin told his best friend that his neighbour will be attending the Christmas vacation as well, he was about to cheerfully jump in the air. Jeongin witnessed you from afar once, when you had all attended the Halloween party at Seungmin’s apartment this year.

He had instantly developed a crush at first sight for you, but his hopes and dreams vanished into ashes when he saw a pretty and tall guy guiding you through the living room. At first he thought you’re just friends but when he witnessed you pinned against the wall in Seungmin’s hallway, Jeongin was sure there’s no need to even talk to you.

But you’re not with Hyunjin anymore. Seungmin has already told him a long time ago, right after he heard about it from you.

“What are you thinking about, Innie? Are you okay?”

He clears his throat, trying to play it cool.

“Y-Yeah, I’m fine. Nothing. Just hope he doesn’t find us.”

“Hm, me too.”

You don’t know what it is – maybe the cramped room, the dim light, the conversation you shared with him this evening or the tense atmosphere making you think about things you shouldn’t. It has always been one of your sinful dreams after all – being locked inside a room with someone, either a stranger or a friend and Jeongin is kinda something in between.

You pray he doesn’t notice. He’d probably be disgusted by you and never attend the Christmas vacation again.

But what Jeongin says next, begs the thesis to differ, “You’re really pretty.”

What a fucking lame compliment, Jeongin thinks to himself, cursing inside his head.

But for you it’s enough. As weird and cliche as it sounds. It’s your chance to maybe live your forbidden fantasy and get your mind off of all the little problems that have come up throughout the trip.

“Thank you, Innie. You’re really handsome, too.”

Also, the idea of the others finding out – that you’ve gotten closer to the new, shy addition of the friend group lets a tingling sensation shoot down to your core.

God, Y/N, what has gotten into you? Where are all these desires coming from? It makes you feel a bit embarrassed though. Even though there’s nothing to be ashamed about. We’re humans after all.

“Thank you,” the boy finally dares to speak.

“Can I ask you something, Innie?”

He looks down to you, “Sure.”

“At the Halloween party, you wanted to talk to me, right?”

Jeongin feels caught now and his brain is running spirals, wondering what you’re referring to – you’re probably still mad he wanted to talk to you despite you having a boyfriend back then. Possibly, Hyunjin got jealous because he was looking at you. But what surprises him most is that you are pretty much aware of it at all.

“You remember?”

You chuckle, “Of course, you looked both so cute and hot in that fox costume.”

He blushes at the compliment.

“Why didn’t you approach me?” You ask further, playing a little with the laces of his sweater and Jeongin senses his heart will stop beating at any second.

“Y-You we’re with Hyunjin back then.”

You pretend as if you’ve forgotten about that very much important factor. Of course, you know but it doesn’t matter anymore. Not when Jeongin is looking at you like this and you sense that Hyunjin will be forgotten soon, even if it’s just for tonight.

“Right,” you speak. “But I’m not anymore, am I?”

He doesn’t answer.

“Can I ask something else, Innie?”

This time he only nods, apparently having lost the ability to speak.

Your thoughts are running in circles now, too. Minho is probably still looking for you but that’s the last thing on your mind right now. Not when Jeongin’s lips look so kissable.

“Do you wanna make out with me, perhaps? That’s what you wanted to do that night, am I right?”

He shamelessly nods now, gaining back his confidence because of your eagerness.

“In here? Right now?”

“Hm. I mean, only if you’re comfortable with it. We can always do it another time.”

And that’s how you find yourself entangled together with him, your lips hovering over his own, moans being suppressed by your mouths and you hope it’ll take Minho a bit longer to find you. But just when you’re about to slide Jeongin’s pants down, there’s a knock from the outside of the door, indicating that the seeker has caught you.

“Jeongin and I are both in here but–“ you quickly say, unsure how to explain the situation.

“I don’t wanna know, do what you want but keep in mind you’re both losers at this game.”

Yeah, you couldn’t care less about that. Not when Jeongin is groaning so prettily against your neck, as you help him out of his boxers. You start pumping his length, as you simultaneously get rid off your pants, your underwear meeting the floor after.

Jeongin doesn’t waste any second and brings his fingers between your legs.

“You’re so wet for me, hm?”

You’d wonder where his sudden dominant demeanour is coming from if you were capable of thinking. The last piece of logic gets thrown out of the storage room, once he grazes over your wetness, smearing your precum all over your folds.

“Baby, you’re drenched.”

He starts massaging your clit, all while you’re still busy stroking his hardened cock, making your hand look so tiny around his length. At the least when Jeongin pushes two of his fingers inside your throbbing heat, you know you won’t be able to hold back any longer.

His other free hand gets thrown over your mouth, the palm preventing any sinful noises from slipping out. As if not only your bodies but your minds are connected now as well, your movements start synchronising and increasing their pace.

Until neither of you can withstand the sensations any longer and once you cum around his now three fingers inside you, Jeongin spills his seeds all over your thighs. You both stay silent for a while, until you erupt in laughter.

“I’m glad you’re with us this year,” you tell him, placing a small kiss on his cheek.

“Hm, I really should thank Seungmin for the invitation.”

#24 to 25 — 🎄#(6) kitchen storage room — 6️⃣

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anachronistic-falsehood · 4 months

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I really liked your post about the Forever situation , im also part of his chat, and your post kinda helped

I got a very big anxiety crisis because of this situation, it was terrible, but im better now!!:D

The only thing that scares me is the fandom invalidate the people who were victims of pedo just because they decide to still watch Forever y'know?

I’m glad I could help somehow!! if you’re anxious about the whole thing, don’t be afraid to take a step back!! I felt this looming sense of dread over it this morning, as I’m sure many of us did, so I’m happy I was able to put some people’s minds at ease. we don’t know everything about the situation yet, so let’s all just take a deep breath and remember that we are not personally involved in this situation and we can make our judgements if and when more information comes to light.

and YES god the thing about invalidating victims sucks, and the thing is it seems to happen from both sides of the argument. ofc most people from both sides aren’t invalidating victims’ experiences, but there are loud minorities from both who are. Some of those who dislike him are ignoring the victim’s wishes to not be involved (bc the information came from a third party) and pestering her to talk about it anyway as if somehow hearing from her will magically make it all make sense, even if it means her reopening her trauma and causing her harm, and some of those who still support him are saying there’s no way this is a valid allegation and the alleged victim should be ashamed, and he is right to get pissed since it’s OH SO CLEARLY false and EVERYONE gets these allegations nowadays (sarcasm). We have no way of knowing 100% if it’s true, the alleged victim has claimed that she does not want to be involved as far as I’m aware, the information came from a third party who apparently has a history of digging up dirt about the Brazilian ccs—there are SO many factors here that we can’t confirm or deny anything.

half the fandom is reacting the same way Dream’s fanbase did when his allegations (whether they ended up being true or not; idk i don’t care enough about him to watch his fucking video essay) came out. People are saying that the person bringing up the allegations is clearly just a hater and that’s the only reason they have for this. And maybe that’s true!! Idk!!! I’ve heard through the grapevine that the alleged victim does not want to be involved!!! It’s like when Cellbit’s past abusive relationship was being talked about a few months ago; the victim wanted no part in calling him out because the situation was done and over with and they didn’t want to think about it, let alone fight for some kind of justice they didn’t even want. It’s a complicated situation, but people need to stop putting this off as just hate from antis. These are allegations, and they should be taken seriously, while also leaving the victim alone and not pestering her for details. If she comes out and says she doesn’t want justice for this, let her have her peace. If Forever shows that he has changed—which it seems like he has, at least from my perspective—let him sort this out. If all of it is true and as bad as it seems?? Sure, drag him to hell and back. But take in as much information as you can before you decide what you want to do.

but anyway RANT ASIDE, no matter what, do not be afraid to take a step back and do something else. Your mental health is more important than the dubiously moral actions of some content creator.

#forever situation #sorry i took this chance to rant again

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chaoticbuggybitchboy · 1 month

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I want to know :3

My favorite poem is Antigonish by Hughes Mearns! It’s featured in the Magnus Archives and it is lodged in my brain forever. I’ll probably make it its own dedicated post but it talks about a man who isn’t there, with the writer wishing that the man who isn’t there would go away. It’s a lovely little poem and especially as someone whose psychosis manifests primarily as delusions, I simply Vibe with a poem about something you know isn’t there but terrorizes you anyways.

And yeah! I have taste -> color synesthesia!! For the first 10 or so years of my life I thought you could teach colors to (color)blind people using foods. It’s kind of a weird thing to try and talk about because really the main way I know that my experience of the world is different from most people’s is that language just not built for the way I experience taste. I’ve thought of trying to do some sort of art based on my synesthesia but ive never been able to figure out exactly how since it’s really difficult for me to separate taste and the colors. I also experience ‘shrimp colors’ that don’t exist in a way humans can visually experience. Like orange and green at the same time, but not grey or speckled; the color simply does not exist.

There’s also almost no correlation between visualcolors and tastecolors. Por ejemplo, carrots (orange food) taste like a desaturated forest green. The only real trends are that the more artificial a food is, the more likely it is to match color wise; and that water will lighten and desaturate things.

Also it’s difficult for me to sort of quantify since I have no other frame of reference, but it does have a lot of effects on my life. Since color tends to overwhelm any ‘normal taste’, that’s what most of my favorite (and least favorite) foods are based on. I dislike carrots because it’s unpredictable whether they’re green or brown and I don’t like that neither of those are orange. My two favorite foods are grape koolaid (it’s so purple and I like purple; I also never water it down because then it’s Purple and I can also taste sour) and salt & vinegar chips (the vinegar covers any colors).

Water is always white or a very very light grey. This does affect what water I will drink because I avoid drinking water that’s sort of tinted warm colors. Doesn’t vibe right.

And the way I describe foods is almost always color based, since that’s the main way I experience it. This has deeply confused and mildly frustrated anyone trying to learn anything applicable to their own experience of food. I have no idea what other people taste, especially since colors tend to overshadow anything else. I’m pretty sure I experience spiciness and saltiness normally though.

And as mentioned earlier, it seriously impacts my sensory issues. Tastes are doubled (I guess?) and any after taste lingers for ages. If the water im drinking is significantly tinted it builds up in my mouth and is Bad (I had to pause writing this to refill my water bottle with my house filtered water instead of the water fountain from my school since that water is reddish and my water is only very faintly teal). Also since all taste is doubled-ish I am basically always aware of the fact that my mouth has a taste and a color. Which kinda sucks.

Also I think this is an adhd thing but I have a hard time describing colors unless I’m actively tasting something because I have a word based brain and the colors are something that completely upends the English language’s way of describing the senses. That’s sort of why I always describe it as being a one way link and say “taste to color synesthesia” rather than “taste color synesthesia”, because I don’t taste anything when I see colors, I just experience colors when I taste something. I think if it went both ways I would be a very different person and would likely have meltdowns much more often but that’s pure speculation.

I thiiiink that’s everything I can think of right now, but yeah! Synesthesia! I think I heard the word about four-ish years ago now and literally nothing has clicked for me faster than that did. It took me less time to start identifying with synesthesia than it did for me to identify with any lgbtq+ label. Every time I think about the fact that ‘tasting colors’ is something that people say to mean they’re loopy or high or something and not that they can literally taste colors I have to do a double take. It’s such a seemingly tiny little thing but it’s so fundamental to my experience of the world that I cannot even imagine anything different. What does koolaid taste like if not Color? I don’t know, because all I can taste is Color.

#chaoticbuggybitchboy #info dump #synesthete #synesthesia #text post #infodump #antigonish #ask #someone did ask!!!#someone asked

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sisterofficerlucychen · 1 year

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in this essay i will explore why halo by beyonce fits chenford perfectly because i’ve lost my damn mind, yet again. i mean what else is new, really? anyhow, buckle in and enjoy the ride! ♡

Remember those walls I built? Well, baby, they're tumbling down And they didn't even put up a fight They didn't even make a sound

who had walls when we first met him? who was utterly broken and just trying to survive? tim. while lucy didn’t necessarily come into tim’s life trying to break his walls down, she definitely succeeded in doing so. she helped bring back the light inside of him and reassured him that he was safe through her action and words. every single moment they’ve had since the beginning has progressed in tumbling down the walls tim built because of all the trauma he’s endured. while it was something that he probably didn’t realize at first, once he did, there was no going back. because he’s the thing, who has tim always listened to? lucy — stopping him in front of isabel’s apartment, making him reflect back onto the experience with the gardeners, fixing things with genny, even encouraging him to listen to ashley. she’s always been his voice of reason and the one person he’ll listen to even if he’s moping or arguing about it.

but here’s the thing, this also fits lucy. as self-aware and as much of an open book as she is, lucy has walls. they’ve just been so much more well hidden than tim’s. she’s always had commitment issues. jackson points it out once when he tells her he knew about her and nolan; tim points it out twice, once after she’s dealing with the break up with emmett then again when chris ambushes her about moving in. relationships aren’t her strong suit and my take on it at least is that it stems from her relationship with her parents. for two psychologists and a psych major, the chens are their own little bubble of complicated but it’s so easy to see how this has affected lucy and caused her to put up her own walls. tim being the exception to this rule. he may have decided she was worth his time to train but she definitely decided that he was worth her time to understand. which i think kind of comes into play with tim being the only person to break down those walls.

“if we do this and it doesn’t work, i’ll have ruined the most important relationship of my life.” it wasn’t until this moment that both walls completely fell. they both jumped into relationships with other people and stayed in them because it was safe, because the stakes were to high for either of them to even think that being with each other was a possibility until lucy said that. it placed them both on the same page.

It's like I've been awakened Every rule I had you breakin' It's the risk that I'm takin' I ain't never gonna shut you out

which brings us to this part. tim’s reaction when lucy confessed this. TIM’S REACTION WHEN LUCY CONFESSED THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it’s like he saw his life flash before his eyes in the sense that a. it confirmed she had feelings for him too and it wasn’t one sided and b. that for once in his life, he was someone’s top priority because even though nothing romantically had happened until this point, lucy saying this was so crucial because everybody else had put him second: isabel (to drugs), rachel (to a dream job), and ashley (to not wanting to be afraid of the what if’s). anyway, i guess what i’m trying to say is tim’s reaction was that first lyric. though him leaving lucy’s apartment in 4x22 also gives the same vibes. BUT THE IMPORTANT THING HERE IS HOW THIS VERSE IS ESSENTIALLY 5X08. because here’s the thing, this is: “some things matter more”. tim does not break the rules. ever. except this was perhaps the biggest risk he’s ever taken and the man didn’t even blink. the “unless it is” when he tells her that thEY ARE WORTH THE RISK. THEY ARE WORTH THE EFFORT. for someone who pushed everyone away at his lowest point, who tried time and time again to push lucy away, this was the moment where he welcomed her with open arms and embraced their future together knowing it was the beginning of something that mattered more.

Everywhere I'm lookin' now I'm surrounded by your embrace Baby, I can see your halo You know you're my saving grace

they’ve saved each other, time and time again. there are so many moments in the literal and figurative where they have saved the other: lucy pulling tim out of the line of fire when he was shot on her second day; tim giving her the ‘bradford special’ which probably saved her life when she was shot and it caught the bullet; the entirety of day of death; lucy believing in tim enough that she recorded an entire audiobook for him; lucy helping him with the ordeal with his father; tim giving her ring back and the survivor speech when she was still struggling. they’ve always had each other’s back, no matter where they fall from they know the other person will catch them.

not only this but they are 100% the other’s safe space. one thing that always has me on the floor sobbing is any time lucy feels like she’s stuck, it’s tim she literally turns to. i keep thinking back specifically when they were in their ‘pining/angst era’ and despite things being awkward between them, lucy turned to tim immediately when she felt cornered. remember when bailey was in the tank asking for nolan? lucy got stuck, she didn’t know what to say or how to lie and she desperately turned to tim to save her. same thing when grey asked if there was a reason they couldn’t ride together. she awkwardly tried to come up with an answer and ended up turning to tim for him to answer the question.

Hit me like a ray of sun Burning through my darkest night You're the only one that I want Think I'm addicted to your light

lucy is absolute sunshine. she is a literal ray of light that sees the best in people, she’s compassionate and empathetic, she doesn’t give up on others too easily. this is important because of when she came into tim’s life. she saw the worst version of him and decided that he was someone who was worth the effort in trying to get to know and understand. the more she learned about him, the more compassion she showed him.

every obstacle tim has ever faced since they’ve met, she’s been by his side. obviously, the range of her involvement depends on the season and where the progression of their relationship is but nonetheless, she’s been there for him. the beautiful thing here is that it works both ways.

he’s also always been there for her. from when he stayed with her in the hospital after she was rescued to when they learned rosalind escaped and his immediate reaction was to comfort her as he squeezed her hand before taking them somewhere private to check on how she was doing. tim may be a ‘grump’ but it doesn’t mean his light doesn’t burn just as bright because he is also sunshine in his own way. which is something lucy knows. the way she’s been sticking up for him since season 1. she’s said it too, comparing kojo to tim, when abigail commented that he was all bark with no bite, coaching little league. tim is just as much sunshine as lucy is in parallel ways.

they are who the other needs in the toughest, darkest times because they know how to support each other. they are each other’s light and each others rock.

I swore I'd never fall again But this don't even feel like fallin' Gravity can't begin To pull me back to the ground again

who tim dated after isabel is interesting because of how it can be linked to lucy. his relationship with rachel was a direct correlation to lucy getting involved. they made a bet with each other and she won short sleeves, he momentarily won the girl. his relationship with ashley is a little more complex to tie to lucy but i’d argue you still can because the green dress callback basically confirmed that there was clearly something there when they saw each other at wopez’s wedding at the end of s3. by the time tim met ashley, tim and lucy had already fallen for each other and both were denying or hiding their feelings. did he date ashley because he couldn’t be with lucy? i don’t know. he seemed to genuinely like her at first but i do think he stayed with her because of lucy. that double date should have been the biggest red flag for all of them, especially chris and ashley of not getting invovled with them. yet nonetheless, they both continued to explore their respective relationships.

except neither relationship was clearly meant to last. they both stayed in them because it was safe and it was perhaps easier to be with someone they did care about but not were in love with than to be alone and without the person they actually wanted to be with.

but going back to that first line of the verse. i don’t think tim considered falling in love again with someone who truly loved him back until lucy. rachel was fleeting, the job in new york was more important than her relationship with tim; ashley didn’t want the same things he did and would tim have settled? maybe, who knows. but lucy. she’s worth the effort, she’s worth the fight, she’s someone who wants what he does. this is the part that at least gets me because i do think tim had resigned to not having the life he wanted and here’s this absolute ray of sunshine who has basically confirmed to him that she wants that same life too and that he is worth the effort, that he matters more.

additionally, i think this also ties back to the slow burn. the way they fell for one another happened in a way where you can’t really point out where they fell but rather when they knew. every little moment, every scene captured something new with them. it was unexpected and while it was scary, once they realized where they stood, they were both in it without a doubt. i know we’ve yet to see them test the “you deserve to be with someone who’s worth the effort” but even in what we’ve seen like when they were struggling about how working in the same chain of command affected them, breaking up was never an option. they were going to work through it one way or another

in conclusion because oh my god i wrote a novel??? but also if you’re still reading this i love you so, so, so much?? i feel like i should buy you coffee or something for reading my late night ramblings. ANYWAY, i think this song just perfectly embodies how they decided to take the risk and is essentially the cumulation of their slow burn. it feels very much like the “some things matter more” because despite the obstacles that they’ve faced, they’ve made it to each other. they are the other’s light, they are the other’s person, they are the other’s love of their life.

fin.

#the rookie #chenford #tim bradford #lucy chen #chenford: an essay

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intheholler · 7 months

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I’m so sorry I’m so late

Tw for church and sa and some god hate

My parents are divorced and that’s important for this. One day, on summer holidays, (I think I was twelve, maybe thirteen, I don’t know, my brain is wants me to forgot) I was spending holiday’s at my father house. I borrowed my mum’s phone for the holiday because she didn’t use it anymore and had cool games there.

But one day somone called the phone. And I picked up. It was old man, like my parents, maybe a bit older. He said that he’s friend with my parents and if I’m the little Ellie that he used to carry. I’m saying that I’m sorry that I don’t know him. My father overheard and took the phone and started talking with him. Yes, he was really my parents friend and I was the little Ellie he used to carry when I was a newborn.

And yes, he thought he was gonna call my mother because for some twisted reason he remembered that she existed. Long story short, at the end of the summer my mum and him were dating.

He had two daughters, first a year older and the second seven years younger than me.

And that’s when things went downhill. We stared living with them in the blink of an eye in my brain but I’m pretty sure that it took some time.

He was a religious man. We knew about that. But we didn’t know how he used to beat and manipulate his ex wifes ‘in the name of god’

Soon I was brought to church because as he said, I was uncontrollable and a brat. And he already manipulated my mum so it was very easy for him to do so. He genuinely believed that if he asks a god for forgiveness that god will forgive him. He was praying every night like ‘Father look at this wild child, so rebellious, she never listens to anyone and forgive for saying this, but she’s a brat, please give me the strength to handle her.’

I mean he’s right, I’m a little fight starter and I like to piss people off and I’m autistic so god doesn’t make sense to me and I was thirteen so I was literally like a Young Sheldon and his fact checking. I was questing the Bible just to make them mad and also bcs those things they were saying were in contrary with the Bible to me.

So I was called a Satan child for questioning the Bible, I was walking the wrong path and I was eaten by the darkness.

Once his youngest daughter accidentally misspelled some world and she ended saying that she has a girlfriend instead of boyfriend. They laughed it off but said to not ever be gay. So I said ‘What’s wrong with it?’. It was followed by screaming, even my mum’s, and he screamed the Bible out for me. Dragged me to church the next day and I had to listen to made up stories about how homosexuality is a sin and that I’m old enough to understand it. Then they all prayed for me so I would find my way back to light and god.

Maybe that’s the reason why he told me that I need his hands on my body, to cleanse me from sins and darkness. (I hope y’all know what this means) No, he never used a god to be a bad guy, he’s fucking crazy, has a god complex and does believe that he has some sort of power. I remember how he threw the Tv out of the window because it was the devil’s work.

Or maybe that’s something I want to believe.

It ended up with them breaking up because he said I’m way too much eaten by devil that prayers can’t save me. He used my mum, manipulated her, took her money and brain away and then left us on a street.

I’m wondering if he realises what he did. If he really uses a god to apologize his sins manipulative behavior and if he’s like all aware of it or if he really has a god complex and some psychosis and doesn’t realise any of it.

But he says that he’s a good person because he’s only following God’s words.

Anyway; since that I found the whole Christianity stupid. Because why this kid at church, maybe 4, cried to us that if he’s gonna pray maybe god will forgive him his sins? He’s a kid! Four years old! What kind of sins a kid can have?! And what kind of kind and lovely god is this shit man if he’s letting some assholes like them doing this a kid and make kids believe that they’re bad humans?

I still don’t understand what kind of gaslighting abusive faith is this but maybe im way too autistic to understand it.

Please don’t try to explain the god to me or tell me how Christianity is good, anyone who feels like they need to explain it to me, I don’t give a shit anymore and I hope y’all understand why. Also im very much stubborn and once I make my opinion you can’t change it.

Also once we left I outed myself to my mum, she almost dragged me back to church, she didn’t, but that didn’t stop her from telling me how sinful I am for MONTHS like mf never got tired of running her mouth

The religious lesbian

(anon: i'm so glad you popped back up. i just saw your question, and i wanted to assure you it was absolutely nothing you did wrong. i hope i didn't lead you to think that.

i overthink everything and it was incredibly personal, so i wasn't terribly sure if you wanted it posted publicly or not, as my invitation to share your story came with the assurance that it could remain private if you wanted.

i still have it sitting in my asks actually because i didn't know how to reach you to double check for your permission to share it!)

thank you for sharing such an intimate and difficult part of yourself. presenting without comment as not to overshadow your story <3 but i do want to say, at the very least, you deserve so much more than you got.

#tw dv #tw sa #tw homophobia #tw religion #tw religious trauma #tw christianity #it's almost 1am if this needs additional tags please let me know #asks

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attilarrific · 2 years

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A Musical Chairs update? On my dashboard? It's more likely than you'd think.

Anyway, a very kind follower requested an update to Musical Chairs but from Lan Xichen's POV. Did I ever intend to include Lan Xichen's POV in this fic? Nope! Am I absolutely willing to sell out my artistic vision in this time of crisis? Oh, yeah, for sure.

Enjoy! This does directly follow this, and I am aware it has been a hot minute, so if y'all need to remind yourselves wtf's going on, the masterpost is here.

“I’m making breakfast,” Lan Xichen says gently for what must be the fourth time.

Jin Guangyao’s expression flickers into something anxious and slightly hunted for the barest second, though frankly the fact that Lan Xichen even saw that is worrying. It transforms into a smile in the next moment, quick enough that the fear might have seemed imaginary if Lan Xichen weren’t so very used to people who can’t seem to ever tell him how they actually feel. He sometimes thinks, ruefully, that a lifetime with his brother prepared him in a way nothing else could have for falling in love with the best actor in Hollywood.

“Xichen-ge,” Jin Guangyao says, looking patient and kind and emotionally stable, which would be far more convincing if he hadn’t been trembling when he’d collapsed into Lan Xichen’s arms earlier. “I can’t ask you to—”

“You didn’t,” Lan Xichen reminds him. “I decided to.” He thinks about saying I find cooking relaxing, because Jin Guangyao will almost certainly let him do this if it sounds like he’s doing Lan Xichen a favor, but—usually Jin Guangyao protests twice when Lan Xichen tries to take care of him and then stops, looking pleased. The last time Jin Guangyao had tried this hard to not let Lan Xichen do anything for him, it had been right after that first big fight with Nie Mingjue.

It had taken Lan Xichen years of friendship to realize that Jin Guangyao doesn’t actually like doing things for other people, that his habit of solving his friends’ problems isn’t born out of any kind of enjoyment, but out of some transaction-based affection system that makes sense only to him. A system that Jin Guangyao always has to be winning.

Lan Xichen usually takes pleasure from the fact that Jin Guangyao will let Lan Xichen tip the scales ever so slightly, but he’s slowly started to learn that if Jin Guangyao won’t, it means he’s worried about something, and that something is probably Lan Xichen deciding their relationship isn’t worth it. More than once, Lan Xichen has considered trying to explain how very much that isn’t going to happen, but he’s too aware that if he tried, he would mostly get a lot of complete and utter bullshit. Some of it would likely even be true, but figuring out which parts might be beyond even him. With Jin Guangyao, it’s not always best to come at ideas from the front.

“A-Yao,” he says finally, “being able to take care of you makes me very happy.”

Jin Guangyao blinks at him twice and then ducks his head. Some of his hair falls into his eyes, messy and all the more charming for it. It’s devastatingly attractive. “Xichen-ge,” he says. “You’re so kind.”

Hmm, Lan Xichen thinks fondly, finally allowed to turn toward the kitchen without further protests. It’s really even odds on whether Jin Guangyao has managed to accept the idea that he doesn’t need to do Lan Xichen any favors or simply the idea that allowing Lan Xichen to do things for him is doing Lan Xichen a favor, but, well. Close enough for now. He’ll keep working on it.

He puts some water in the kettle for tea and starts to get the ingredients for something light and simple, and when he turns back to glance at Jin Guangyao, he’s greeted with a brilliant, grateful smile. That’s probably deliberate, as is the slight reduction in shoulder tension, but it doesn’t particularly matter. Jin Guangyao likes when Lan Xichen is kind to him. That he also wants Lan Xichen to know that he likes it is beside the point.

“Do you think Wei Wuxian will get up in time to eat?” he says, because as much as he doesn’t particularly want to remember that Wei Wuxian is here, pretending he isn’t won’t make him not be. And if he is here, and he’s awake, then it would be rude not to make him breakfast as well. Especially since he’s currently helping Jin Guangyao in a way Lan Xichen apparently can’t. Lan Xichen should be thankful.

“You want to cook for Wei Wuxian?” Jin Guangyao says, sounding amused. “Xichen-ge really is kind.”

Lan Xichen winces. He’s spent what feels like half his life trying very, very hard to like Wei Wuxian and failing miserably, because while he’s fully aware that Wei Wuxian’s total obliviousness to Lan Xichen’s little brother’s feelings isn’t anyone’s fault, it’s still—well. And the fact that Lan Xichen got off a plane this morning and saw six different tabloid photos of Wei Wuxian and Jin Guangyao kissing extremely thoroughly didn’t exactly make that easier. He clears his throat. “He’s only here because he’s helping you. Naturally I should cook for him.”

A brief silence, and then Jin Guangyao says, voice small, “I should’ve asked you. Before I called him.”

For a very confusing moment, Lan Xichen thinks Jin Guangyao is suggesting that he should’ve asked Lan Xichen to be his fake boyfriend, which would have been an interesting conversation, but then he realizes. “A-Yao,” he says. “You don’t need to ask my permission. Besides, it’s not as if Wangji doesn’t know it’s fake, so you’ve barely done anything at all. I’m not upset.”

“Ge,” Jin Guangyao says, very quietly, but Lan Xichen doesn’t get to find out what he was planning to say next, because a phone rings loudly, interrupting them.

“Mine,” Jin Guangyao says instantly, sounding extremely tired. “I silenced it for most people, though, I couldn’t deal with—anyway. Sorry, Xichen-ge, I should at least check to see who it is.”

Lan Xichen turns around, automatically assuring him that it’s fine, which is how he sees the faint, resigned exhaustion cross Jin Guangyao’s face upon seeing the caller ID. It matches the dark circles under Jin Guangyao’s eyes. If it’s a conscious expression, it just means Jin Guangyao’s asking for something. Lan Xichen’s crossed the room in three steps to pluck the phone out of his hands before he even realizes he’s done it.

“Ah,” he says when he reads the name on the screen. “Let me get this.” When Jin Guangyao looks like he might protest, he simply hits accept, lifts the phone to his ear, and says cheerfully, “Hello, da-ge.”

“Xichen?” Nie Mingjue says, sounding surprised. “What are you doing there?”

“Visiting,” Lan Xichen replies easily. “I got in this morning.”

“I hear Wei Wuxian got there last night.”

“I believe so, yes,” Lan Xichen says, like he hasn’t seen pictures of Wei Wuxian greeting Jin Guangyao with his tongue.

“You know they’re not dating.”

Lan Xichen does know that—is, in fact, very grateful to know that—but that’s probably not what Nie Mingjue really means. He hums noncommittally and glances at Jin Guangyao, relieved to be the one who picked up. While he knows neither of his friends ever starts out looking for a fight, that doesn’t mean there wouldn’t have been one. Jin Guangyao’s too bitter to be patient right now, and Nie Mingjue’s too blunt to be careful. It was much, much easier when the two of them could talk without constantly interpreting everything in the worst possible way. “One second, da-ge,” Lan Xichen says. To Jin Guangyao, he mouths, Sorry, gesturing at the food and raising his eyebrows.

“Sure,” Jin Guangyao murmurs, quietly enough that he won’t be heard through the phone. “Thank you, Xichen-ge.”

Lan Xichen brushes it off, smiling at him before walking away. He waits until he’s in Jin Guangyao’s bedroom with the door closed before he says, “All right, I can talk now.”

“Sparing his feelings?” Nie Mingjue says, sounding amused. “I’m not sure he has any.”

“Da-ge.”

“All right, all right, I’m sorry. You’re right. So?”

Lan Xichen sits down on Jin Guangyao’s bed, leaning back against the headboard. He’s realizing now that this isn’t the bed Jin Guangyao had when he was dating Qin Su. He’d noticed around the time of the breakup that Jin Guangyao had bought a new frame, but it’s probably a new mattress as well. New sheets. Back then, he’d simply assumed that it was a petty moment during what seemed an extremely emotional separation, but now he’s starting to understand. Jin Guangyao had kept so many things Qin Su had bought for this house, but he’d gotten rid of furniture, and he’d done it very quietly, as if he didn’t want anyone to know.

“So?” he repeats, feeling newly horrible about the whole situation. About how isolated Jin Guangyao must have felt. About the fact that Lan Xichen has never managed to convey to him he doesn’t have to be perfect, or even particularly good, Lan Xichen will love him anyway.

“So he’s fucking pretending to be dating that mess of a rock star. So he’s pretending he’s gay—not that I’m not delighted he’s decided to come out after all, but I think we can both agree he also likes women—and also that he never dated her. I don’t know about you, but I remember him dating her. They couldn’t fucking keep their hands off each other as long as there weren’t cameras around.”

“And?” Lan Xichen says patiently. “Who cares?”

Nie Mingjue snorts. “Naturally not you. I’m just wondering if it’s ever occurred to him to tell the truth in his entire life.”

Lan Xichen hums, not quite agreeing and not quite disagreeing. “If it hasn’t, I wouldn’t expect it to start now. You saw the tabloids.”

“It’s not like he knew,” Nie Mingjue says defensively, and Lan Xichen smiles. “If he explained that, people would be sympathetic.”

“Maybe,” Lan Xichen agrees. But maybe not. Jin Guangyao spends his life in a defensive crouch, waiting for the next attack, and as much as Lan Xichen wishes he wouldn’t, he doesn’t have anything other than optimism to suggest he shouldn’t. “He’d have to fight against Jin Guangshan’s PR.”

“Someone ought to hit that bastard with a car,” Nie Mingjue says, disgusted. “His best friend’s wife, fucking hell.”

Lan Xichen doesn’t think of himself as a violent man, but there is something very satisfying about that thought. “Do you remember,” he says suddenly, “after the breakup? When A-Yao came to your place?”

“Yeah. Shit.” Nie Mingjue pauses. “That’s when they found out?”

“Apparently.”

“No wonder. I guess now we know why they ended it.”

Neither of them had ever been able to figure that out, and Jin Guangyao has always refused to say anything other than variations on ‘we decided we were better off as friends.’ That had been particularly unconvincing in the first few months after the breakup, when Jin Guangyao and Qin Su had seemed unable to even look at each other, let alone be friends.

“Hey,” Nie Mingjue says abruptly, “now you definitely know they’re not getting back together. Not that I’m supporting your terrible taste in men. But you’re already there, he practically falls all over himself fluttering his eyelashes at you whenever you smile at him, he’s not still in love with his ex—”

“That is not why I’m here,” Lan Xichen says, sitting up straight. “And this isn’t the time. He’s pretending to date Wei Wuxian—”

“Yeah, meant to ask, how do you feel about that?”

“—and he’s very upset.” Lan Xichen takes a deep breath. “I’m here to see if I can help, that’s all. He needs a friend right now, not—not a date.”

“I know I’ve tried to explain this to you before, Xichen,” Nie Mingjue says, “but if there’s one person in the world who can take care of himself, it’s him.”

“I know that.” Nie Mingjue makes a doubtful noise, and Lan Xichen says firmly, “No, I do. But why should that matter? If he likes when I’m kind to him, when I take care of him, when I treat him gently, why should I stop just because it isn’t necessary?”

“Fucking hell. He’s not nearly nice enough for you.”

Lan Xichen sighs. “Considering my three favorite people are you, him, and my brother, I don’t know how you’re under the impression that I’m looking for nice.” Nie Mingjue barks out a loud laugh at that, and Lan Xichen smiles. “Anyway. I know you don’t like when he lies, but with this—da-ge, you know the press is going to ask you about it.”

“Oh, I get it. You want to know if I’ll lie for him.”

“Yes,” Lan Xichen says. “Will you?” When Nie Mingjue doesn’t say anything, he adds, “Please.”

Nie Mingjue groans. “What if I just say that I won’t comment on this shitshow? No, I’ve got it—my only comment on this shitshow is that Jin Guangshan deserves to fucking go to jail.”

Lan Xichen blinks a few times. “That’ll probably work. Just not commenting might not, but saying Jin Guangshan should go to jail—they’ll pay more attention to that than whether or not you’re confirming A-Yao’s story. I think.”

“Perfect. Tell him I agreed to that. And if he doesn’t like it, he can tell me himself, got it? Stop playing go-between. We’re adults, we can act like it.”

When Nie Mingjue and Jin Guangyao are in the same room, they absolutely don’t act like it, but Lan Xichen decides not to point that out. “Thank you, da-ge,” he says. “I’ll convey your support.”

“Who’s fucking supporting what,” Nie Mingjue snaps, and he hangs up.

Lan Xichen rolls his eyes. Oh, yes, they can act like adults. That’s very apparent.

When he goes back out to the kitchen, Jin Guangyao’s head immediately jerks up from where he’s standing by the stove. “Xichen-ge,” he says carefully, “is everything okay?”

“Of course it is,” Lan Xichen says cheerfully. “Da-ge told me he won’t say anything about your relationship with Qin Su. Or your relationship with Wei Wuxian. His only comment to the press is going to be that your—that Jin Guangshan should be in prison.”

Jin Guangyao winces. “My father won’t be pleased to hear that. Da-ge knows he can be vindictive, right?”

“I don’t think da-ge particularly cares,” Lan Xichen says, pleased when that gets a rueful smile out of Jin Guangyao. “He also said your relationship with Qin Su wasn’t your fault.”

Jin Guangyao’s eyes widen. “Really?”

“And that he wanted to hit Jin Guangshan with a car.”

“Oh, no,” Jin Guangyao says, though he doesn’t actually look that unhappy about it. “I hope he doesn’t say that to the press.”

“He might,” Lan Xichen admits. “I’m sorry you ended up making breakfast after all.”

“No! Xichen-ge—Xichen-ge, I—” Jin Guangyao swallows. “I should be the one apologizing. Or thanking you. Both. I don’t know what I’d do if you—”

Lan Xichen steps forward and wraps his arms around Jin Guangyao without a word, and Jin Guangyao immediately returns the hug, crushingly tight, a little desperate. This is what Lan Xichen has never quite figured out how to explain, to Nie Mingjue or anyone else: if Jin Guangyao acts upset and like he wants to be held, what it usually means is that he’s upset and wants to be held. Sometimes it also means that he’d like you to ignore something or to stop being mad at him, but since Lan Xichen is very good at paying attention to two things at once and also rarely mad at him, that’s never seemed particularly important.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he says gently, pressing his lips to the top of Jin Guangyao’s head. “You don’t ever have to worry about that.”

Jin Guangyao definitely doesn’t believe him, but Lan Xichen has their entire lives to prove it. He’ll get there eventually.

#modao zushi #the untamed #musical chairs #musical chairs update #xiyao #things i write #wow this got long #i have both watsonian and doylist explanations for why their relationship looks like this in this verse #because it's clearly fairly different than in canon #part of that explanation yes is 'jgy doesn't kill people here'#anyway enjoy!

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quibbs126 · 10 months

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I said I’d probably do Autumn next, but screw it, we’re doing these characters instead

So as I’ve stated in some other post somewhere, Ariel and Salt are the parents of Mercury, Venus and Saturn, and Erik here is their uncle, and Ariel’s younger brother

I said I was thinking about changing Ariel and Erik’s names, but honestly I think they both still work for each other, so I decided to keep them, other than changing Erik’s “c” to a “k”

Also, this is my first time ever drawing them. And to be honest, while I like how Ariel turned out, I’m not the biggest fan of how the other two turned out, particularly Salt. Might need to tweak designs more

Honestly it’s probably because I knew what I wanted from Ariel’s design, but not so much Salt’s. And for Erik, I wanted the top bit, but realistically I needed to make his hair longer, and I think that’s what got me

But anyways, let’s get into them

So as you can probably tell, Ariel is an albino. That’s kind of the reason I put Erik in there, to show what traits came from her side

I’m aware that albinos tend to have white hair, but I had already given her white fur, so I thought making it pink would be better, as they aren’t just the same color. Maybe I could have made the pink lighter, but ah well

I think originally, Erik was supposed to be albino too, and they might have been twins, but also I didn’t understand how albinism worked at the time, so I thought that certain albino traits could be passed down. That was why Saturn was originally grey, as his fur was his mother’s white but darker. And for Erik’s daughter, she had white fur and red eyes. But I’ve decided now that those traits are just normal white fur and red eyes from her mother’s side, so Erik doesn’t have to be albino. Also it makes him seem more ordinary, if that makes sense

Also by the way, Salt named the kids, hence why they all have kind of weird names. He’s just got a weird naming scheme and Ariel just went along with it, she didn’t mind

So anyways, as mentioned in their kids’s post, Salt was a blacksmith, and Erik was a doctor. I don’t know what Ariel did though

Ariel was considered kind of a weirdo. I don’t really know how to describe it, she just gave off an odd vibe. I want to say she’s weird in a way like Luna Lovegood, but I haven’t actually consumed any Harry Potter media with Luna in it for probably a decade, so I can’t really say. She also has the weird psychic powers like her children, hers being red and probably more potent than theirs

Salt had metal powers, and I don’t know what to give Erik, since he originally had psychic powers, but I decided to change that. Maybe just give him light or healing powers like his daughter

Anyways, so because of her odd powers, Ariel would tend to just give off a vibe that would make people stay away from her, like they’d just rather not be around her. However, whatever that odd aura was, it had no effect on Salt. People would think she’s weird and warn to stay away from, and he’d just a see a relatively normal lady. Yeah sure, maybe some of the things she talked about were odd, but she didn’t seem like anything people were talking about, just a nice lady

They started out as friends who liked to talk, and eventually fell in love. During this time, people were telling Salt to just stay away from her, but he just thought people misunderstood her

I feel like I’m setting Ariel up to be malicious. She wasn’t, she was just a weirdo. I feel like I’m reusing descriptors too much, but I really don’t know how else to describe her

Ariel would often be fascinated by his metalworking, and would ask plenty of questions about it when they first were starting out, and he’d be happy to answer her questions, as he can appreciate someone who appreciates the more intricate aspects of his craft. And on the flip side, Ariel would talk for hours on end about the things she was interested in. Salt generally didn’t know what she was really talking about (he listened he just know what it was. Like having someone talk to you about a series you just don’t know), but he knew it made her happy, so he’d happily listen to her

As for how the two died, I believe it was due to disease, though I never specified what, nor do I really know what diseases kill

Ariel was the first to go, and it was around her death that Erik came to their town, though it was only temporary at the time to help her and her family. Erik couldn’t save her, and he tried to help Salt and their kids out after this time. Salt tried to pull the weight to support his family, and when he fell ill too, Erik tried to get him to stop overworking himself, as he was just making his affliction worse, but he refused to listen, and he unfortunately passed on too. It was after this point that Erik decided to move his family over to their town, as he felt he couldn’t just leave his niece and nephews all alone. And since then that’s where they’ve stayed

I don’t really know what sort of relationship Ariel and Erik had. Erik didn’t have the same weirdness as Ariel and was a relatively normal person, and he was relatively aware of Ariel’s weird aura. I don’t want to say they were distant but I also don’t want to say they were particularly close, I’m not sure

Anyways yeah, that’s these guys. Hopefully next I’ll do Autumn, but we’ll see. Oh and also, they probably won’t all share a common theme, since there usually isn’t that many who do. Like, for Autumn I’ll probably just put her and the vigilante, but if I put another character (which honestly I don’t think I won’t) it’ll just be someone else from the story

#original characters #ralia #ralia ariel #ralia salt #ralia erik #my art

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estellamiraiauthor · 1 year

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The Stars May Rise and Fall: The Annotated Re-read (Chapter 12)

Alright, folks. Chapter 12. Not quite sure why my brain picked THIS particular point to have the mental block, but I’m well aware we’re coming up on 14 and 15, which were hell to write. This one shouldn’t be so horrible in and of itself, though, so let’s dive back in to More Information About My Book Than Anyone Ever Asked For! (Spoilers under the cut)

So, I actually like the opening here, where it’s been three and a half days and Rei STILL hasn’t replied, and Teru’s STILL hoping and thinking it might be him every time his phone rings. In other news, I really don’t miss dating at all.

I’m not quite sure about Minori’s wisdom here wanting to cut a demo on the same night the new drummer’s auditioning. Are they going to get the new guy to play on the demo? Were they planning to have Teru do it? Or synthesize it or what? I have no clue. I think it just felt like, plot wise, both of these things needed to be happening around now. It doesn’t make a lot of sense, though. Sorry.

Anyway, now it’s Teru’s turn to act like he’s angry at Rei when he’s really probably just mad at himself. After a bit of internal angsting, he drafts and re-drafts this overly polite email pretending he really just wants to come over to get some sheet music. GOD, I really do not miss dating at all. I used to do this crap ALL the time… like, if you’re upfront about being interested is it going to come off as desperate? So better come up with some REASON for emailing, right? Except it can’t be TOO good a reason or the other person will read it as NOT interested. BLEH. Poor Teru. This particular relationship stage REALLY SUCKS.

Fun flashback here to old cell phones that had a little blinking light on top that would let you know if you had a missed call or message. Of course, Teru DOESN’T when he gets off work because of course Rei has remembered when he gets off and is going to time his call perfectly with that.

OK, now I really need to address the line where maybe I fucked up the most… I dunno, I got a really harsh review about this line, and while I don’t really agree with the reviewer’s logic that All Instances of Subconscious Ableism Should Be Called Out Directly On the Page, I would 100% change the line if I had it to do over again, because it didn’t really say what I was trying to say.

So Teru is walking to Rei’s apartment from the station, and wondering why this trip has come to feel so routine, and why he feels comfortable hanging out at Rei’s apartment when he’s never really invited romantic partners over to his place or been invited to theirs before. (This is definitely a Japan thing by the way, it’s much less usual to go over to someone’s house here until you’re REALLY serious.)

And he thinks to himself:

Was it because Rei couldn’t leave? But he’d seen Teru play. He’d been at the studio. Just because he acted like an invalid most of the time didn’t mean he really was one.

So, I fucked up with this line, and I apologize. I did not know what the word “invalid” meant. I thought it meant “housebound” or maybe even “bedbound”. It actually does not… it’s kind of an old-fashioned and icky word period, but it just means disabled. Which Rei clearly is. Which Teru definitely knows. And what I was TRYING to say here was that Teru did not feel more comfortable at Rei’s house because going out was more physically complicated than it would have been with previous partners, but because he’s genuinely falling in love. I clearly fucked this up, however, and this will obviously also not be in that hypothetical anime. (Note to writers: Look up any and all words before you use them.)

Anyway. Teru does show up, Rei gives him the music, but then asks him not to go to rehearsal, but to stay. I think he’s been working up the courage to do this for four days now, and ESPECIALLY since Teru sent that email. Even though he’s still conflicted about “betraying” Saki, he’s spent that time trying to convince himself that Saki would want him to be happy, that there’s no harm in just taking Teru to dinner… so Rei screws up all the courage he has and makes this somewhat awkward but really sweet (in my very biased opinion) invitation.

Rei’s usual blue wig is a tangled mess, so he wears this greyish-lavender wig here that I REALLY want some art of. Here’s another regret: I had a character who could literally have a completely different hair color in every scene, and I did not use that NEARLY as much as I should have. But for their first real date, he’s wearing a different wig, and if anyone would draw that for me I’d love you forever.

And Teru suggests they go to Shibuya… this is kind of an inside-joke thing that maybe seems a little contrived. It makes SENSE that Teru wouldn’t be familiar with Rei’s posh neighborhood, but especially since they don’t end up going to a restaurant he’s ever been to before anyway, it might seem a little silly that I had them get on the train, but the first reason for this was that AGES ago, in 2005 when I wrote the first draft of this scene, I had a friend who was writing a series of real-person fanfics about visual kei musicians hooking up in love hotels in a specific part of Shibuya, where there are just a lot of them congregated into one area. We called it “love hotel hill”. I have no idea what anyone else called/calls it. But I knew they were going to end up at a love hotel at the end of the night and I wanted them in a hotel on that hill as a little nod to my friend’s fanfics.

The second reason was that it gave Teru (always sweet and considerate) a chance to suggest taking a cab, and Rei (always weirdly stubborn according to rules that make sense to him but no one else) a chance to refuse. “No one takes a taxi from Meguro to Shibuya,” he says, and that’s probably not REALLY true… rich businessmen who think public transportation is beneath them certainly do. But I think the point here is that Rei just really wants to be “normal”. And to him, before the accident, the “normal” thing would have been to take the train, so he’s determined to do that here.

And then when they actually get to the restaurant, which is on the ninth floor, Teru kind of hesitates before calling the elevator, thinking Rei is going to insist on taking the stairs, but Rei says “no one takes the stairs to the ninth floor”—again, determined to be his version of “normal”. This comes up again in the next chapter too… I think he just has this very very strict mental definition of who he is as a person, and he’s not willing (at this point) to change that, despite the fact that his body has changed.

(Yes, I know this is WARPED and UNHEALTHY. This is a fucking PHANTOM RETELLING. Does anyone think the normal, healthy reaction to being born disfigured is “build a torture chamber in the basement of the Paris Opera and drop a chandelier on the audience when the singer you don’t like goes onstage”? No? Then can we please, please accept that I was TRYING TO WRITE A CHARACTER WHO IS MENTALLY ILL AND SELF-DESTRUCTIVE? THAT WAS THE LITERAL POINT.)

*Sigh* So maybe I was just putting this off because so much of what people don’t like about these characters at this point in time was THE EXACT POINT I WAS TRYING TO MAKE and also kind of a little personal?

#the stars may rise and fall #annotated #phantom retelling #phantom characters aren't supposed to be mentally healthy y'all

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not-really-a-guest · 2 years

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someone exactly like you

“Eddie says he likes me. Like likes me. Just as I am.”

Ravi, bless him, does not laugh. Instead, he scrunches his forehead and tilts his head to the side.

“And this is….new information?”

If Buck wasn’t confused before, he sure as hell was now.

1,500 words, getting together, featuring Ravi who just wants to work a shift in peace. (one line borrowed from Bridget Jones’ Diary)

Read on AO3 or below the cut !

It’s past eleven in the firehouse and most of the shift has gone to bed to catch whatever sleep they can before the inevitable bell ring. The lights are dim, and the loft is quiet. Buck sits at the table with a pen and a yellow legal pad.

Buck is on bullet point number seven when he feels Eddie over his shoulder.

“I already made the grocery list,” Eddie starts but his voice breaks off when he reads what Buck has been writing. Buck groans because he knows what it looks like and it’s not what it looks like, but he also knows any explanation is going to sound stupid.

“It’s a list of personality traits that need some work.” Eddie gives him an unimpressed look. “For me.”

“Did Dr. Copeland tell you to do this?” Eddie asks hesitantly and takes the seat to his right. Buck puts down the pen and tries to explain.

“No, I saw it on TikTok and, look, I know it sounds all sad but it’s actually really good to be self-aware! Like, it’s when healing can really happen.”

“There’s self-aware and then there’s self-deprecating. And you don’t need healing from,” Eddie looks at the list. “Talking too much.”

Buck supports Eddie in therapy but Therapy Eddie was kind of a pain in the ass sometimes. Mostly because he was usually right.

“I like lists. You know that.” Eddie nods. “So, it makes sense, I list the things I want to work on and then when I do, I become a better Buck. And then…” he trails off.

“And then?” Eddie asks.

“And then when I meet someone…The Someone, I can be a person they really like.” Buck tries to smile but he doesn’t make it very far when he watches a complicated mix of emotions dance across Eddie’s face. Buck feels a pit in his stomach, he really didn’t want this to be a big deal and the last thing he wants is Eddie to worry.

He goes into (what Eddie calls) ‘fix-it mode.’ Which usually involves a long-winded ramble.

“Eddie, it’s okay, these aren’t even bad things to fix! Abby thought I was too young; I can’t really do anything about that. Allie thought I was too risky, and I’ve really gotten better but the job isn’t going to change. And Taylor-“ Buck doesn’t miss the look of disdain that crosses Eddie’s face at her name. Buck shrugs. “Well Taylor thought I was needy and clingy which are things I should change anyway-“

“You don’t need to change.” Eddie usually doesn’t cut Buck off when he is talking, even if it is a long ramble. Bucks’ eyebrows raise in surprise, but Eddie’s face has gone from worried to serious and he’s got that look in his eyes and his shoulders are squared. Normally this expression would mean he’s gearing up for a fight, but there’s something else in his tone Buck can’t quite place.

“I’m really glad you think that Eds, but I just…I want to be the best guy I can be so someone can like me-“

“I like you.” Buck stops. He’s about to say he means in the romantic way, but Eddie’s eyes are shimmering and a faint flush is inexplicably spreading across his cheekbones. Eddie takes a deep breath and holds Buck’s gaze. “Buck, I like you. Just as you are.”

The shrill ring of the bell cuts through the loft and they both jump up, and apart.

—

It’s a messy car pile-up on the freeway and Buck and Eddie work together getting people free of their cars and transported to the paramedics. It’s good to be busy, it keeps the focus on the patients and Buck is almost too occupied to think about what Eddie said.

Almost.

Just as you are. Not calmer or wiser or stronger. Not more cautious on rescues, not more level-headed when it comes to his personal life. Not a better gift giver or even a better ping pong player…. just…him. Just Buck.

The call takes them to the end of their shift and as they pack up the fire truck, Buck stays behind.

“Promised Carlton I’d work the first two hours of his shift so he could see his daughter’s school Halloween parade.” He tells his team. Chimney yawns while he nods, and Hen rubs her temples.

“You’ll be okay?” Bobby gives him a once over. Buck purposely doesn’t look over at Eddie, but he can feel him doing the same.

“Always.” Buck gives the team a general wave. Eddie gives Buck a look he can’t decipher and the strange flush starts spreading again before he turns around and climbs back into the truck.

Buck is paired with Ravi for the clean-up, and he really tries to pay attention to the story Ravi is telling him about his roommates, but his mind keeps circling around Eddie’s words and the more debris he clears the more confused he gets.

“Buck? Are you okay?” Ravi asks hesitantly and Buck belatedly realizes he’s been calling his name for a full minute.

“Shit, sorry. Just thinking.” Ravi nods and they work a few minutes more in silence, but Eddie words keep ringing in his ears and it’s going to drive him crazy, and he can’t keep it inside anymore, so he turns to Ravi. “Eddie says he likes me. Like likes me. Just as I am.”

Ravi, bless him, does not laugh. Instead, he scrunches his forehead and tilts his head to the side.

“And this is….new information?”

If Buck wasn’t confused before, he sure as hell was now.

“Well yeah? He said it like he likes me. The romantic like.” But Ravi’s expression does not turn to shock like Buck expected, instead he looks to the sky and lets out a sigh.

“I thought being moved to the B shift saved me from this.” Ravi takes a deep breath and looks back at him. “Buck, literally everyone thinks you and Eddie are together. The only thing people can’t agree on is how long it has been going on.”

“Really?” Buck is still mostly surprised and a bit confused but he’s also starting to feel something else. Something warm.

“Really. Can you think of why?”

And Buck pauses and thinks.

He thinks first of a seven-year-old kid with glasses sliding down a fire pole, two strong pairs of hands leading him down. He thinks of a Christmas party, of hanging a banner, of Mario kart and pool and building a house of cards and throwing popcorn. He thinks of a collapsing mud tunnel, of red splattering on a white shirt, of the crunch of metal as a car met a bicycle. Carpools and betting pools and emergency contacts. Shared grocery lists and lockers.

They weren’t a ready-made family. They made their family. Built on trust and hard times and forgiveness and hope and love.

God, there was so much love, wasn’t there?

“Oh.” Buck nearly drops the hubcap he’s holding. He feels a bit dazed but also incredibly steady. “Oh.”

“Can I please make a tik tok series about this? I feel like I deserve to.” Buck absentmindedly nods.

“Yeah sure, hey do you know what time it is?” Eddie is the one with a watch, so Buck never bothers to wear his. They’ve really done this backwards haven’t they?

Buck isn’t wasting any more time.

—

Usually after their shift, they go home, take Christopher to school, grocery shop while the store is empty, unload and make brunch and decaf coffee, and then pass out for a few hours. Buck knows their routine well and knew he would beat Eddie home. He sits on the front step and waits, his right leg bouncing up and down and his left hand running through his hair. He showered in a rush after his shift ended and didn’t have time to style it like usual, but none of it matters. What matters is the man driving the truck slowly down the street. The man who has the power to break Buck’s heart completely, but for the first time in his life Buck feels sure it won’t happen.

Eddie parks and makes eye contact with Buck through the windshield. Buck gives him a wave that probably is the opposite of smooth, but he can’t dwell on it because Eddie is walking towards him. He stops a foot in front of him and gives Buck a tentative smile.

It’s all Buck needs.

“You like me just as I am.” Buck states and he is powerless to stop a smile from overtaking his face. Eddie nods.

“Well, if we’re being honest…” Eddie looks at the ground and kicks a stray rock. He takes a deep breath and looks back at Buck. His eyes are shimmering again, but Buck realizes it’s not because he’s getting ready for a fight. He’s getting ready to be brave.

“I don’t just like you, Buck. I love you. All of you.”

Tears prick at the corner of Buck’s eyes, and he knows this is it. This is his great love story; this is his happily ever after.

“Eddie, I think I’ve loved you this whole time.” Eddie smiles and Buck realizes he isn’t the only one with watery eyes.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I love you, Eddie. So damn much.” He takes a step closer and nearly closes the gap between them. “And I’m going to kiss you now if that’s okay.”

And Eddie let’s out a laugh and Buck takes that as a yes and he cups the side of Eddie’s face and brings him in for their last first kiss.

They stand in a driveway on a Tuesday morning and Buck wouldn’t change a thing. He loves them just as they are.

#my buddie fic #buddie fanfiction #getting together #911 fanfic #buck and eddie fanfic #a like soft and sweetness for your weekend #song title from van morrison and this song gives big buddie wedding vibes #god i love these two #not spec just hopes and dreams

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lunawish · 19 days

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important note when interacting with my edelgard originally posted : 2020 on @/rotscheme / eaglegard (now deleted blogs)

i always debated making a reset theory edelgard canon on this blog or not because whilst i have discussed it with my partners, i’ve always been hesitant about it because 1) the awareness of the meta can come off like godmod and 2) it’s so overdone at this point that a lot of the impact is lost. however, the most recent interview that shed light to edelgard’s crest is giving me a lot of confidence to confirm this theory and actualize it onto my blog. ( 2023 gany interjecting, this is the interview in question!)

so what does this mean? it means that every cycle of white clouds, edelgard will have some sort of awareness. she’s not fully aware but she does have nightmares about the events in the routes where she doesn’t live. she remembers the pains of becoming hegemon edelgard, she remembers byleth mercy killing her, she remembers them in the shape of hazy dreams. as the invasion of the holy tomb draws near, her memory becomes more and more vivid and by the end of the throne room confrontation, her memories will return to her fully.

of course, this won’t exactly be forced onto muses in the white clouds phase because it could lie anywhere on the timeline. however, post-time skip i have a very specific order i like to deal with this. i know fe3h’s jpn name is 風花雪月, which translates into wind, flower, snow, moon. however, i’m not going by that order. instead i’m doing a SS, AM, VW, CF (or a CF/VW merge depending on the claude) order. this order makes the most sense to me and i have discussed this at length with a friend, just to make it clear. ( 2023 gany: i'm pretty sure the friends i've discussed at length with were cass, nox, and lily haha)

i choose SS first, simply because it sets up a foundation for el’s hesitation to trust her classmates, knowing that a bulk of them ran away with byleth. it deepens her isolation and the unhealthy codependent relationship she builds with hubert. the last map of silver snow is called “chasing a dream” which you will later see why this is relevant. anyways, this is why azure moon she notes that facing byleth she’s weak because of the memories of byleth being her teacher and the cherished memories. each path byleth takes, it takes a toll on her mentally as if she’s trapped in this endless cycle of nightmares.

come crimson flower, it genuinely takes her aback. she’s shocked that people decided to follow her this time, but her trust is still wonky for the first half of the time byleth goes missing because she’s starting to remember them defecting and she doesn’t want to hold onto them too tightly. but by the end of the time skip she lets herself trust them again and the black eagles become the family that she had lost all those years ago. the title of the crimson flower “to the end of the dream” is very poetic, if you think about it. for edelgard, she’s not only going to have her dream become reality but also this endless cycle of nightmares is finally coming to an end.

the dream she had chased since silver snow? it’s finally coming to an end.

so in short, how does this affect interactions?

not much, really. edelgard is still socially isolated for most of white clouds, she keeps a respectful distance and plans her interactions strategically.

she has chronic fatigue, she’s always aware, always tired, there’s no room for respite.

she only trusts hubert for a huge bulk of the time during AM and VW, in CF she doubts byleth’s loyalty and allegiances to her for most part but in CF she grows to trust her fellow classmates and learns to let them in because she now know them a little better, and they now also know her a little better too.

i say CF and VW merge as an option too because i do think if series of events in white clouds changed that claude and edelgard could talk about their ambitions, a CF/VW merge is very likely (2023 gany here: crying over my ede/lcl/aude i wrote with lily sobs)

#hc. edelgard von hresvelg

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flung-out-of-asgard · 3 months

Text

I think a lot about dying.

And not in a suicidal way, or maybe yes, I really don’t know. I think about what would happen if something terrible happened to me tomorrow, and how the people around me would deal with it. How long would it be before someone notices I am not around anymore? How long before someone points out I haven’t attended a screening or a conference in quite some time? How long before they wonder why haven’t I gone on my social media to post whatever?

How long would it take them to forget and move on? Who would cry? Who would ask ‘who?’ when they tell them I died. What would my friends say about me? ‘Gone too soon’? ‘She was great’? Would they really mean it?

I think a lot about dying. About the paperwork my family would have to do so that the government stop asking for me to pay my taxes. I’m dead, there are no taxes underneath the dirt, not that I’m aware of anyway. I wonder about the money, how much would it cost to bury me? Is it cheaper to get an urn? Use my organs for someone else, I’m healthy. I think a lot about my parents crying, my sister shocked by the news. I think about my grandmother and my aunts and my cousins and everyone in my family. Would they miss me? Would my parents be disappointed? Would they feel like they failed? They didn’t, not in any step of the way.

I think a lot about being dead. Would I be a pretty corpse? What clothes would my mother pick for my funeral? What picture? Which flowers? Who stayed awake all night crying the loss? Who made up an excuse and didn’t show up?

Who’s posting a picture of us together on social media? Who’s trying to comfort my friends? Are the friends I broke up with crying too? Or do they feel relieved? Do my exes ever find out? Do they cry?

When I die, what happens to everything I’ve written? To the little art projects I’ve made and collected throughout the years? Are my parents throwing away my stuff? Are they keeping some of my things?

Is the girl that I like coming to the funeral? Or she doesn’t care? Who’s keeping my favourite book? What happens to my room? Does my dog miss me too?

Where do I go when I die? I don’t feel relevant enough to go to Elysium, so where do I land? Or is there nothing? Is it like being asleep? Is it just over?

I think a lot about everyone thinking back on it all and wondering if there were any signs. As the big cliche I am, I think there are. My dad would make sense to seeing the lights on at 3am daily, to my room all messy and how it slowly became more and more chaotic as I was insomniac and yet got up past noon. Always so out of energy. So tired.

My death would explain why I cry a lot everyday, why I play the same show over and over again, because I know exactly which episodes are the sad ones so I can pretend that’s the reason I’m crying.

It would explain why I was so lonely. How I went from going out every weekend to locking myself up in my room and just scroll, and stare at the ceiling and do some more crying.

When they looked back, would they realise I was screaming for help? That it all was too much; and I felt like drowning in every moment of my life, whether it was because of work, because I was frustrated, because I was running out of friends, because I had no lover and I was just stuck? Would they lose the pressure on my shoulders then? Forgive me for leaving?

I think a lot about dying. Every night before bed I take my sleeping pills and I wonder what would happen if only I exceeded the dosage.

But I never do it. Primarily because I don’t want my parents to carry that guilt, because I don’t wanna hurt my sister like that. Secondly because dying is expensive, and money is not something we actually have. Thirdly because I try to convince myself 27 is a way too young age to go, and that I might not even be halfway in life, and that it will all be better soon, maybe in a year or two.

I also think about the movies I wanna watch, and the books I wanna read. About the shows I haven’t finished watching, and the music I’d never hear if I left. I think about the food I like, and the way the road home looks like stars at night, I think about Halloween and eating pumpkins. I think about hugging my dad and my mom and my sister and my dog and my grandma and my aunts and my cousins and my niece and how much i’d miss us screaming during game nights because we all cheat on monopoly. I think about finishing up writing and drawing and animating some things before I leave.

I think a lot about dying and living and floating the way I do. And suddenly the words stop making sense and I fall asleep and I forget, I forget about my pain for a moment, I let myself dream. I survived another day.

But I still think a lot about dying, I think about it in the shower and at random times during the day.

But that’s not enough. I need to say it out loud, so I write it and I read it. I realise in how much pain I am, but somehow I’ve managed to get through it, and tonight I cried but I also found calmness after that anxiety.

So maybe I can do it, one more time.

And just one more after that one.

And so on.

#personal #tw: mental health #tw: sucidal thoughts #not meant to be read #just needed to write and post to make the ideas go away

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lamnwar · 2 years

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Hello!!! I have a knb request!!! Could I please request an aomine/taiga (separate or you can do just one I don't mind!) x reader where the boys have recently been dumped and is now with the reader who's trying not to feel like a rebound and second choice (maybe they're good friends with him and have been for a while and has just been pining away?) but it looks like he might get back with his ex? You can decide how it ends!!! Thank you!

Hiiii omg thanks for the request, love 💕 I chose to write on Kagami only since I've never written an OS on him, so I hope that's ok; it's also kinda a college au (not requested but hope it's not a problem)! Anyways, enjoy it :) xx

It just makes sense // Kagami Taiga x gn! Reader

Context: when you comfort your best friend after his break-up, you surely don't expect things to take such direction for you two...

Warnings: kinda hurt/comfort, best friends to lovers hihi (bc it's my fav trope 🤭), mention of alcohol but it's not important to the plot, very fluffy <3

“I’m not gonna tell you the cliché stuff like... it happened for a good reason, or you deserve better. Although you do, you know, things shouldn’t suck like that for you.”

Taiga hums softly, as you look at the stars. At this early hour of the morning, they’re more apparent, somewhat calming despite the context you’re in. Not long ago, you were woken up by your phone ringing, your best friend’s number appearing on screen. It isn’t a rare occurrence – you’re used to receiving calls at such hours when he’s had a glass too much. But this time, he called for another reason.

“Drunk at some bar again, Taiga?”

“Can I come to your place?

And here you are, both of you sitting on your little balcony in silence. It really sucks, this whole situation. Break-ups happen to everyone, yet they’re still one of the most heart wrenching things that can happen to someone. Even a bright guy like Kagami is no exception the rule. Though, you’d argue that it doesn’t make sense. He is, from all angles, the perfect man. But maybe you are biased, maybe his ex saw things in him that you ignore...

But no. It doesn’t make any sense to you.

From the day you’ve first met him, you’ve been convinced that he’s one these people – the ones that you can only love because despite their flaws, they encompass everything great about being human. Taiga is the guy you’ve met on orientation week, bonding over nothing and progressively becoming attached to the hip. Somewhere during your times together, between dumb college students’ shenanigans and growing as adults together, you’ve noticed your heart beating faster around him. You aren’t dupe, well aware of what that means. But back then, it only made sense for you to keep your feelings for yourself, hoping that they’d eventually fade away before it ruined your friendship.

But right now, you wonder if it was the right thing, not to confess to him. Best case scenario, it could have prevented the current events. He wouldn’t have met that person; he wouldn’t have his heart broken. You wouldn’t do that to him, never.

“You know, I kinda saw it happen” his deep voice resonates.

You turn to him, an eyebrow raised.

“Yeah?”

“I think... I didn’t love them anymore, or enough. Not sure, but it was bound to happen.”

You can do nothing but nod, understandingly. There’s nothing to say to that, and you doubt that he wants your opinion on the matter. Anyways, you risk making things worse for the both of you if you talk too much.

After a while sitting in silence, you get up, stretching.

“Do you want some tea?”

Your best friend hums his response, and you go to boil some water, preparing two cups. Somehow, in the soft light of the moon, Taiga’s sadness takes on a new dimension. It is almost poetic, a tragic beauty that you cannot take your eyes off. But at the same time, you wish not to see that spectacle for too long; you’ve never witnessed him after a break-up, you have no idea how long it takes for him to grieve his past relationship. Some part of you wish it won’t take too long – you want to see him smile again soon; the other part believes he should take all the time he needs, albeit a whole year, if needed. In all cases, one thing will remain the same on your side of things…

“I’m here, y’know, for anything.”

“Anything?” he repeats, looking in your eyes for the first time since he’s come to your place.

A warmth invades your inside as you gaze into his sadden irises. You really don’t want him to be like that for too long.

“Yeah, anything.”

Two months have passed since that night. And from a day to another, the Taiga you’re used to came back. It started with his smile, every time he’d greet you. Then his laugh came back – adorable, brightening up your surroundings while it resonated around. And finally, he’s become his usual laid-back self, the one that would spend endless hours of doing nothing and simply enjoying the little things with you. And all this time, your heart has kept beating faster. Faster, and faster, and faster. You’ve feared at some point that you had some health issues, only to realize that no matter how deep down you think you’ve buried your feelings for your best friend, they will always resurface every time he’s a little too close to you.

It doesn’t help that he’s spending more time with you since the break-up. You’re to blame for this, telling him that you were here for anything meant what it meant. For all the time he felt lonely, confused, or just exhausted by the event, he’s come to you. Naturally, you haven’t turned him down, not that you wanted to. Regardless of how you feel, he’s always going to be your favourite person. So it only makes sense, the coffee in the mornings, the commutes to university and work, going to his matches to cheer on him and celebrating in bars, which ultimately ends with the both of you sharing a bed for the night, because it’s way too late for either of you to go back home all alone.

It only makes sense, that he’s come to sleep by your side for other reasons too – because he’s wanted to cook diner for the two of you, and he’s ended up enjoying himself so much that the prospect of going back to his empty home made him want to stay longer with you.

“Diner at your place tonight? I’ve found a new recipe I wanna try.”

And once again, you can’t get yourself to say no.

“Sure, do have all you need?”

He shakes his head, hands digging in the pockets of his jacket.

“Gotta do some shopping first.”

“Let’s go then” you say, turning in the direction of the nearest grocery store.

He nods, following you. You can’t remember when this has become a habit for the two of you – somewhere between the first week post break-up and now, you’ve come to do casual things in his company, yet somehow enjoying yourself more in these little moments. There’s nothing special with watching him decide which cheese he rather choose for a specific dish, looking at him examine veggies under all angles before buying them, and you deciding what drink will best suit your diner. Yet, here you are, carrying the basket for the both of you, which has to be the most mundane thing ever, but you are, at this very moment, truly happy. As you stop at the drinks, searching what you’re looking for, a strange feeling invades you. Taiga stands beside you, and from the corner of the eye, you can see a smile draw itself on his lips.

“What you’re smiling about?” you ask.

The tall boy’s cheeks inflame, caught in action. He cleans his throat, hands in his pocket.

“Huh? Nothing.”

It’s your turn to smile. You’ve known him long enough to be able to tell when he is lying. Taiga isn’t very sly, which has its charm in some ways. At least you know that he is always honest with you.

“Come on, you can tell me” you taunt him, still looking at the drinks.

For a moment there, you believe that he won’t say a word but before you turn to him with the intention to get the truth out of him, he finally opens his mouth.

“I find it kinda cute, that little face you make when you choose the drinks.”

You turn to him, mouth agape.

“Huh?”

“Y’know…” he raises his shoulders, “you pout a bit, like… anyways.”

You keep staring at him, incapable of wording a response to what he just says. Inside you, every cell of your body combusts, feeling a rush of everything coursing through your veins. And you don’t really know what it is with this moment – this ordinary moment, that could have happened any other day – but what you’ve been bottling up for so long menaces to spill out. As you blush furiously, your hand goes to get a bottle of your chosen beverage, eyes incapable of maintaining any eye contact with Taiga.

“I like you, you know” you let out, voice shaking.

You don’t have to say more for him to understand what you’re communicating. You refuse to look at him, fearing his reaction. But if you do actually raise your eyes to his face, you’ll probably meet a sight that you’ve never seen before. There is something particular in Taiga’s eyes, something so strong yet so sweet. It’s indescribable, and neither of you are capable of understanding it. As the situation goes way beyond your comprehension, it only makes sense to him to act on instinct. You feel his hand join yours one the handle of the basket, not a single word being uttered between you as you both move to the cashier.

The next thing you know, you are back to your place, fingers intertwined in Taiga’s. The whole thing seems surreal, but feeling the heat of his palm, you know that you aren’t dreaming. It is weird, but at the same time, it isn’t quite absurd. When your hands finally separate, you look at your shaking fingers, incredulous. Taiga has found his natural place in your kitchen, while you stand there, still trying to calm your frenetic heartbeat. And when you finally calm down (as much as you possibly can, that is), you walk to him.

“Hey Taiga” you speak up, gathering all the courage that you have.

He looks at you, a faint blush on his cheeks. There is something incredibly innocent in his gaze, and you feel your heart melt at the sight. He really can’t deceive you, can he?

“I just want to know… uh, about-“

“You wanna know if I like you back, don’t you?” he cuts you off.

You nod, feeling the blood rush to your cheeks. He smiles, drying his hands in your kitchen towel. You wonder how he looks so calm compared to you; yet, you know that he isn’t unphased by the situation either. He is more tender than usual, a bit of shyness in his behaviour that has you believe that he is certainly affected by your confession earlier at the grocery store.

“I think I like you” he finally lets out. “At least, it makes sense to me if I do.”

“Yeah?”

He chuckles softly, eyes evading yours. It isn’t often that you see him so vulnerable, but it feels good to know that he’s allowing himself to show himself under such light.

“I don’t want to make things complicated by overthinking it but… if you’re up for it, we can give it a try.”

You smile, though on the moment you can’t quite grasp the reality of things. After all this time of being secretly into him, he finally reciprocates your feelings. It sounds like it comes right out of your own dreams, something that isn’t meant to be true, but it is. By the time you register the information, the tall boy is only mere centimetres away from you, hands once again holding yours. You look up, heaven in your eyes.

“Can I kiss you?”

He laughs, before muttering a soft yes. And as your lips touch his, all these sleepless nights where you tried to kill your feelings, all the times you felt guilty for the way your heart would run in his presence, and all the times you avoided his eyes and left his smiles unanswered so you wouldn’t send the wrong message – all of it, gone, like millions of ashes in the open sky, in a kiss you’re been hoping for too long.

Taiga and you being together is one of these things that just makes sense. Family and friends alike agree on that statement, very few of them being surprised by the officialization of your relationship. Though it still makes you blush from time to time, you’ve grown more casual about it. Some moments still seem unreal, regardless. Whether it be waking up next to him almost every morning, or catching him looking your way with affection, it all seems too good to be real. A part of you struggles because the way things happened went way over your head. As much as you don’t want to doubt something that you hold so close to your heart, moments of uncertainty strike every now and then, and you bottle it up; just like you’ve bottled up your feelings for your best friend for the longest time.

And recently, doubts get the best of you even more, since your boyfriend is now working together with his ex. You don’t want to be the insecure significant other, the one that cannot trust and deems themselves unworthy of the love their receiving. But you’ve been there all this time Taiga dated his ex. You’ve seen them, you’ve seen the sweet kisses and the shared laughs, the warm hugs, and intertwined fingers. And more importantly, you’ve seen the state in which Taiga was when he broke up. An image of sadness that you wish never to see again, but putting aside the way you felt about it, you realize that he wouldn’t never have been so devastated by something that was meaningless to him.

“Things are good between us now, you know, since we’re working together.”

He confesses out of habit, getting used to tell you about everything and anything. Unbeknownst to him, you wonder in the depth of your soul if he’s not considering going back to them.

“Of course, it’ll never be the same, but I guess we can be friends, right?”

His words frighten you. Despite what he’d said the night of the break-up, you know he loved them. Be it enough or not, love is still love. While you admit that the concept is debatable, to you, love never dies – it’s just one of those things that keeps changing but it never disappears.

“Hey, you’re listening?”

Taiga’s hand waves in front of your face and you blink a couple of time, escaping your thoughts.

“I am” you simply reply.

A silence sets as you feel him observing your face. Just like you’ve come to know him by heart, he has the same ability to read you. The tiniest, most insignificant things are noticed. He takes some time but eventually, some of your thoughts are read on your face. You can’t tell what has betrayed you, but he knows. You deviate from his gaze – a bad old habit of yours, born in a tentative to protect yourself.

“I’m with you, you know that?” He speaks.

“I do” you respond confused as to why he’s stating the obvious.

He shakes his head, pulling you closer to him. A surprised look on your face, you try to understand what is going on.

“No, I mean…” he stops, taking his breath. “God, I’m so bad at talking about these things! I’m trynna say, I may get along with my ex but regardless… they mean nothing to me. Not that I want them to mean something either. I’m just glad there’s no grudge held anymore.”

Arm wrapped around your shoulders, he raises his eyes to the sky, looking at the same stars that were there when he came to you heartbroken. He ignores if they remember him, if they remember the way he looked that night – on the verge of tears yet uncapable of crying; but right now, he hopes with all his heart that they’re aware of how much he’s happy now, and If he ever has to cry in front of them again, it’ll be out of love for you, and you only.

“I told you that I thought we broke up because I didn’t love them enough, do you remember?” he asks you.

“Yeah.”

He lightly laughs before turning to you.

“I thought about it a lot and I actually didn’t love them the way I should have. Truth be told, I loved someone else that way back then. And I still do love that person like that. That’s why it wasn’t meant to last.”

You look at him, still confused and growing tired of not understanding the point he’s trying to make.

“Taiga, please, go straight to the point” you plead.

“It’s you, dummy. I loved you back then, subconsciously, yeah, but I still did. And I love now. I’m meant to love you, whether you want it or not.”

Oh.

For a moment, you remain speechless. This was not what you expected, let alone imagined. For as much as you’ve loved him, you never envisioned a reality where he would feel so strongly about you. but…

Enough with the buts. Enough with the doubts. Enough, enough, enough.

“Taiga?”

“Yes?”

You cup his face in your hands, taking him by surprise. Round eyes look at you, as you smile, holding back tears.

“I really love you.”

He snickers, hands joining yours.

“Thank god you do.”

It just makes sense, that he loves you as much as you love him. It only makes sense, that all your doubts seem suddenly baseless. It just makes sense that all this time, you were meant to be.

#thanks for requesting! <3 #i am so happy i got to write on kagami #he deserves all the love #<333 #knb #kuroko no basuke #kagami taiga #knb fluff #kagami fluff #knb x reader #kagami x reader

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