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woebegonewanderer · 4 years

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2017 in review, at last.

It's been awhile since I logged out and never logged back in to this blog. The first and foremost reason was that I was really trying to get myself focused on academic matters, such as my thesis, and... Well, only my thesis basically. The particular thing around which my life currently revolves. Secondly, I had to be honest that: I just had nothing good to write about. Something that I was very shameful to admit about, but feels like I want to just purposely profess right now. Because I really, really want to write something (that people could actually read as well) at the moment, and if the only materials I had in my mind are not so good ones, so be it.

But let me try to shape it in a more uplifting tone, rather than an utter downfall.

It's going to be a review about 2017. The year that seems to be very much likely will be remembered about the most by myself, despite myself already knowing that I really do not want to remember the majority part of it. I really don't. It's one heck of a scary year, where things that I could never imagine happened to me actually do happen (in both good and not-so-good ways), and I lost control, and I had to struggle more than ever to grip back onto anything. And many other terrible, awful details that I'm very much thankful to be over (not necessarily bigger picture-wise over, but at least those smaller sequences ended). Most people don't know about it, and I would very much rather they stay that way, but somehow I end up typing this post knowing that the opposite would happen. See, my brain is a complicated logic machine indeed. But I'll try to stay in a lane where people who read this, like you, could actually learn something from what I experienced, and the last thing you would do is maybe empathizing me.

I started off 2017 coming back from one of the most remarkable trips I've ever had in my life (but that was before I went here and there). Nevertheless, instead of feeling happy and energized coming back to my residence in Edmonton, I felt more homesick than ever. The feelings of spending time with people you do like and make you feel that you do belong in their circle remind me of the comfort of home, something I was craving too much for. Something that I just realized, that I might not find here in this city. I could write an entire essay explaining my feelings and situations regarding that particular situation, (in fact I did, but I then cut-pasted all the texts into another (upcoming) post,) so I would just be brief here.

At the same time, a couple closest friends of mine happened to drift away as well because of some reasons that I couldn't explain here either. Hint: it involves some of them finding a new society which I clearly can never fit in any way possible even if I want to, some of them changing into the kind of people they never were before and it also falls into the same category of the previous group, and some of them finding... love. My mistake was probably that I stayed the same while everyone else changed, but I just couldn't change into what they have become. Long story short, that was the end of our previously-meaningful friendships. And just like that, it was the first time in my entire life that I thought that it's not worth it to chase those people. It was the first time in my life I let friends go, and decided not to stick around anymore. It was the time I broke the lifetime record of me keeping close to everyone that I was once close with. And no, it didn't feel good at all, it still does not, although maybe necessary.

The same time they occurred, I started discovering new phase of difficulty in my academic phase. I had the firsthand experience of a rather discriminating story, where people believed that I was really incapable of something that I had to gain a credit for. And I fought back, in a way where I tried not to hurt them back, because I knew I was capable of doing that, although I failed in convincing them initially. And it was the first time I cried uncontrollably in the middle of the night that I had to knock on my neighbor's door to disturb their sleep just because I was literally losing my mind at that moment. Just thinking that people could let you down that way is just... terrifying. But thankfully, I crawled back, I pushed back, and eventually I got what I knew I deserved to have. Wasn't easy at all, but the fight was worth every teardrop.

And along the Winter term 2017, I filled my days going to social gatherings, signing up for new clubs and volunteering activities, for the sake of looking for a new circle where I could fit in. All by myself, hoping that the casual conversation I tried to build with people in the room was going to lead me to a new lasting friendship with anybody on campus. Spoiler alert: never found it even until today, lol. Although, I did meet two early-20's Indonesian ladies that I clicked with and surely we immediately became friends. Kudos to Chacha and Suzi for saving me during those hardship. Also, I finally began to attend the Indonesian Muslim community's halaqah, and even though 90% of them were adults with the other 9% being babies and toddlers, at least I was happy to find people that speak my mother language again.

Springtime was when I began to gather my thesis data. I had an accident where suddenly, all the money that I had in my bank account was literally stolen and left zero and it took a week for the bank to process and recover all my savings. I was just arriving in Calgary at the time to do my thesis work, about to pay for hotel room rent when I realized that I had nothing in my savings and my credit card didn't even have enough balance. So all I could do was for sure, crying on the phone. Thankfully, an Indonesian family that I know in Edmonton was able to help me out by lending me some money to cover the hotel rent. That day was when I realized that I missed home way too much, because my family kept calling me to check if the situation got better, and they also sent me money rightaway to cover the loss temporarily. Needless to say, I then cried even more crazily because of how homesick I had been, and how I had realized that I had the best family in the world I would never replace even with the Kardashians (well, of course).

However, of course the feeling of social inclusion didn't stop there, because when I spent 1.5 months in Calgary, I had nobody around. I was just working with my cores, on my table, every single day. I was just too shy to talk to strangers across the table (who might be some gentlemen from a huge O&G company... Well if I were socially more extraverted I could've networked and been less stressed at the same time!), so I was just by myself all the time. But can you imagine though, being the only hijabi, with legit Asian face, brown skin, and short body, among all those Caucasian people? I mean, do you not know how terrifying it was?

But then, Summertime was the happiest time of the year, because, heck yeah, it's flippin' summer! Sunshine's in the air! That's already one good reason. But other than that, I also got lucky to be able to get one of the VIA Canada 150 pass, where basically I got a pass to travel to anywhere in Canada by VIA Rail train for the whole month of July of only 150$. Isn't that the best thing in the world? (jk, I've come to realize that the best thing in the world is the presence of family and loved ones :).) So of course, that's what I did. Traveling across southern border of Canada, coast to coast, for 38 days.

And I thought life's going to get better. I might have been wrong though.

In the Fall, I realized that I missed home way too much. All the accumulating ache I've felt since the beginning of the year is on a new level. I thought I'd become numb after some time, that I'd finally be okay with having no meaningful relationships with fellow human beings and just learn to be a lone wolf because none of my effort to change the situation seems to work, that I'd be overwhelmed with work and forget to miss home at last. Well, I was wrong. Having no more classes, only thesis, basically means that I now have more flexibility and freedom, in terms of work schedule, as well as social life. I no longer meet people in regular basis, because I was technically almost always the only person working in the office room (some people choose to work in their labs, I do not, just because the room setting). And after it went after some time, the bad thoughts after subconsciously constantly isolating myself finally caught me. All that I can confess is that it's the worst, scariest, most intense, most aggravating feeling I've ever experienced.

At some point, I realized I have become the worst version of myself that I never was before. I lost track on my responsibilities, I disappointed myself and other people related to my work a couple times although thankfully it wasn't something too major, but it made me even sadder than before. All the homesickness and alienation I've felt for the entire year, I thought I could still handle them because at least it didn't seem to affect my academic performance... Yet. But this time, it became real.

But He is good. He gave me the chance to feel happy for a bit. I was able to do one my lifetime dreams to solo travel to Peru. (Wasn't something I was going to do if not because I booked the ticket back in Winter, though.) It was a week where I was reminded how nice it feels to be able to the person that we know we are, that radiate positive energy into things that we choose to do, and just to be able to be the best version of yourself, amidst the overall tough situation that we're in. I made new foreign friends, stayed at a friend's friend's place which made me regret, "Why haven't we been friends since you were still at the U of A?!" and most of all, I became that bold, brave, fearless person that I always knew I could've become. And maybe... It's just a matter of time until I get to discover that side of me here, in Edmonton.

Nevertheless, after I came back, the pain became real again. I became familiar with counselling services, and many articles or videos regarding self-help, mental health, self isolation and/or inclusion, and so forth. Although, I was, and I am grateful for that as well, for it made me able to sit back and think about who I really was, what I want to become, what things actually matter to me, and make me want to build a closer, more meaningful relationship with my creator.

The pain still lingers, but I know I'm not alone. I am grateful that I, at least, have never had any thoughts about harming myself, because imagining the pain that my loved ones will have to go through to see me suffer even more is just... Unbearable. I can't handle that much of pain. And thinking about gratitude, I think I'd like to close this post with things that I'm thankful for in 2017, despite all the distress that I constantly mentioned about:

That I still have a supportive family, and I realize how much they mean to me, and how much I've taken them for granted all these years,

That I also have a supportive boyfriend and we're going through our fifth year together. That he's doing well with his studies in the Netherlands, and while many people around our age might still have insecurities about marriage and seeking for future spouse and everything, we might not have to worry about that,

That I still get to maintain my friendship with my best friends back home, and that they seem to be going through a good, deserving life,

All my traveling opportunities,

That I have the willingness to be a better servant for my creator, that my pain makes me feel that I want and I try to get closer to Him, that the only thing I want to do in 2018 (other than getting that MSc degree and reuniting with my loved ones) is becoming a better servant for Him.

Well, January 2018 clearly wasn't a turning point for the dark maze I was journeying into in 2017, but maybe we could try in February?

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