woebegonewanderer - Tumblr blog

woebegonewanderer · 4 years

Text

The best day of your life

I had this regular conversation with a friend a couple years ago, back when I was still home. She was asking, "When was the time in your life when you felt super happy?" And I didn't quite remember what I answered, because frankly, I really do not know now. Hers was a time during her childhood where she was given some white-feathered bird (I forgot what exactly was it) as a present, and she said that it was the best gift she had received in her entire life.

Some would say that the happiest day of their life might be when they figured that they were accepted for their dream schools, or their dream companies, or when they travelled to the place of their dreams, or when they had their first child, or when they got married, and so forth. In other words, a specific event that probably just happened once in your lifetime--and that's if you're lucky enough. It could be because you worked so hard for it, or because you waited for years for such thing to happen, or because it was just something that you never really expected to happen, but it eventually does. Chance is, you might feel a certain burst of excitement that might make you scream on top of your lungs.

Looking back, I realized that after that day, I barely (or probably never?) had any moment where I felt such burst of excitement anymore. Even on occasions where I figured that I passed some tests that I was so anxious about, or when I was at places that I've only dreamed about before. They were more like feelings of relief or awe, and that's it. No yelling on top my lungs, no "Oh my God is it freakin' real?!" or et cetera.

And then I realized, maybe my happiest day just consists of tiny pieces of good, relieving things.

It might be that day where I had previously avoided everyone that I knew because I hit one of the lowest periods in my life, just trying to finish some works that had been long overdue, forgetting to take care of myself; until I decided to do something extremely different on that particular new day. After weeks of only talking to the random guys who delivered my food order and my parents on the phone, that day I managed to come out of my shell, speak out about the things I'd been keeping to myself with a friend, talk to my supervisors again after 1.5 months, come to an event that I normally avoided, have a small chit-chat with my colleagues, and it just felt exceptionally nice.

Even though there was no burst of excitement. Nor was there a specific accomplishment worth stating on my resume. Nor was there a fascinating storyline with a twist worth passing to my future grandkids. There was just a regular day of me thinking, "Hey, I made through this day without panic attacks involved." And that was it.

Everyone would have different ideas about the happiest and best day of their lives. Some figure that it was one second of a peak of euphoria out of ordinary, while others, like myself, figure that it just consisted of small chunks of normal events that make you go, "Thank God."

1 note · View note

woebegonewanderer · 4 years

Text

Sharing on social media: joy or pride?

I wonder if you ever wonder, if anything that you share might be potentially "harmful" to others--even if it's just a simple picture of yourself diving in the Maldives, for example? When we're saying that we're sharing pretty pictures or good news across social media to share our happiness with others, are we really?

Some might argue that if somebody's feeling jealous about other people's seemingly picture-perfect life that is available on showcase 24/7 on their social media account, it is the first person's fault for choosing the negative side. I myself think, as is confirmed by my therapist, that nothing ever really goes one way. Whatever we're choosing to feel, no matter how easy it is sometimes to blame ourselves for the whole part, it's always partially a mistake of the other party too.

To be very honest, when I posted my picture series of travel diary last year, I mostly wanted to be recognized as an independent person--with a wild heart inside that can take me to travel solo. Yes, I wanted to brag about who I actually am.

(to be continued)

0 notes

woebegonewanderer · 4 years

Text

I never had a chance to write out my thoughts on this particular topic but now. This was actually something that I've thought about since last year, when I decided to uninstall my Instagram app and therefore left no traces whatsoever on their platform since October 2017--until apparently a couple weeks ago where I felt like posting a random picture of beautiful afternoon grass in my favorite garden in Vancouver. This is about Instagram and how we have been using it--at least based on my observations.

Instagram was, and probably still is, my go-to social media whenever I have the urge to kill my boredom. Twitter might be a tie, but Instagram will be my highlight for now. The primary reason why I decided to postpone the use of that particular social platform was nothing more than the needs to keep myself from getting distracted in the middle of my thesis writing. I did finish one out of two manuscripts while I was out of touch with it, so it was actually a good and reasonable cause. But then, I've got tons of pictures just sitting on my laptop, and what would be a better way to showcase them to the world if not from Instagram? I don't get many visitors to my photography website, nor my dying Flickr and VSCO account. Instagram is my best shot to share what I'd like to share with the world.

It all started when I had minor existential crisis sometime towards the end of last year. That was the time when I really, really thought of my mere presence in the world. If I die now, have I done enough good deeds to get into the promised Heavens? Actually, heck Heavens, have I done enough good deeds for people to remember, even shortly, that I lived? Have I become a just nice enough person for some people to remember me for?

It all started when I had some minor existential crisis, sometime towards the end of last year. That crisis somehow quickly evolved into another series of question, one of them being: Have I been at least, the bare minimum "nice" of a nice person for people to remember me for, had I died now?

(to be continued)

0 notes

woebegonewanderer · 4 years

Text

On Mundanity

Mundanity is strange, in a way that I actually let myself suffer for straight fourteen hours on a daily basis, and the happiest time of every day is literally when I sleep because, maybe, or actually very unlikely, I would get to meet my loved ones, even if it's just in a dream and I couldn't consciously cherish those fleeting seconds.

Waking up at 6, getting ready and commuting with the bus to the university until 7 where I try my best to enjoy the 15 minute walk from my house to the bus stop and from the university bus stop to my office, working and dealing with my anxiety until 6, then commuting back home, trying to not complain while cooking (been doing this for one year now but still feels like a daily supply of torture), then going back to my desk to continue the work for the next couple hours until 10, then watching my favorite TV series or YouTube videos before heading to bed by 11.

I often wonder, why do I even let myself do this: being anxious throughout the day, doing things that I don't even enjoy (working on a desk or in a closed space of a lab, cooking on a daily basis, forcing myself to socialize with communities that are not even making me feel like home just so that I don't completely lose my English ability)

0 notes

woebegonewanderer · 4 years

Text

When isolation helps me find a purpose

If you happen to have had a chance to read my post about how difficult I feel right now to sustain a normal life as an Indonesian Muslim female living in a rather infamous city in Canada, you might think that it's so sad and probably not so many good things come out of it, if at all. While that might be true to some extent, but honestly, living as an introvert who's feeling like she's got no place where she belongs means I get to spend so much time with myself, and my mind, and think about so many aspects in life that I ignored before. And it's one of the (very) few good things (LOL) that I could at least be happy about.

And I want to share those thoughts with you. Opinions, things, dreams, and everything else that I shape while relaxing on my bed, partly still haunted with the discomfort of being very much alone, combined with loads of my work at the moment. I want to share what I get, after I figured out what and where I really want to be in life.

It's bizarre that I had never really had a prolonged period in my life before where I have my purpose finally figured out, until recently. Although, I believe that the majority part of it was because I had always been surrounded by people (that I regularly communicate and interact with) who had as high ambition as I did, hence were always in an endless race to accomplish more and create more validation of how good we were with myself, even though we refused to admit it. We were busy trying to prove that we could do better than each other, and that our resume was always polished to perfection, until we forgot to postpone, take a deep breath, and really ask what really matters to us.

But recently, due to my refusal to spend time being surrounded with a large number of humans, especially because I did not feel like I wanted to invest in friendship that did not satisfy me nor make me comfortable at the very least; I had the opportunity to finally sit back and relax, and take some time to really ask myself: what is it that's very important to me in life?

The answer is obviously not short.

Living abroad, being separated with my loved ones, have made me realize the difference between my previous life with the current one I'm trying to survive within. I had always had the support of the people, the perks of being in the proximity with those who infused me with inner strength, and the whatever kinds of power they radiate to me whenever they're around. Thus, one of my answers to that question would be: to stay close to my circle of the comfort zone, even when I'm away from it. I want to know that I can come back to them anytime, to recharge my inner energy. And, certainly, living miles away separated by a huge, empty ocean doesn't comply with that.

So I want to stay close with those people, whose presence might have been taken for granted all this time before this very moment. But who I want to be, then?

The answer to this question was helped very much after my thorough "research" (i.e. articles and YouTube videos) on the INFJ personality and traits (which is my legitimate MBTI personality type). Apparently, INFJs are people who would never feel alive unless they realize that what they do, i.e. their career, is in align with what they think makes the world a better place. Kinda cliche, I know, but it's actually so very true!

Meaning, I might not even be a geologist after all this terrifying shit is over and I got my second degree in Geology. (Which makes me grateful or not figuring this point out before I decided to go for a Master's degree in Geology here in Canada because otherwise I might end up never pursuing it at all.)

As a precaution, not all of you would agree with what I write below, but it's really more of my personal thoughts and consideration and no offense intended. So, here's why I might not consider working as a geologist: because, who would actually benefit from my work?

One could easily say my country, of course, if I happen to work in Indonesia, and which sounds like a great thing too; or the academia in general, for sure, if I get to do some actually beneficial research. But first of all, isn't it the companies who get the biggest reward of it? The companies which already consist of prosperous people, and not really the target of the types of people I want to help out.

I seek for a career that's meaningful towards the creation of a better world, which in my mind is defined by less poverty, less stigma on mental health, fewer to no wars at all, better education system, and et cetera. And maybe that's why studying geology never actually satisfies me in a heartwarming way. And arts, my hobby, can't too. Sure, I know that in the long term through a (possibly) complicated flow chart, any good work we do will eventually lead to the betterment of the world. But using an excuse of me being an INFJ, I need a validation that it is really happening. I want to see, thus believe, that my work changes somebody's life indeed.

Even if I stay in the path of geology, I might be a lecturer. Thus I could see there are people who actually grow because of what I plant in them. But if not, then I'm perfectly okay with it. A humanitarian career is something more ideal that I'm considering to switch onto... But we'll see where this life takes me!

(And honestly, I could talk on this particular point forever and will never stop , but I'll spare it for another post next time.)

The last big thing that I realize is: the blessing of having faith that I've been taking for granted.

0 notes

woebegonewanderer · 4 years

Text

2017 in review, at last.

It's been awhile since I logged out and never logged back in to this blog. The first and foremost reason was that I was really trying to get myself focused on academic matters, such as my thesis, and... Well, only my thesis basically. The particular thing around which my life currently revolves. Secondly, I had to be honest that: I just had nothing good to write about. Something that I was very shameful to admit about, but feels like I want to just purposely profess right now. Because I really, really want to write something (that people could actually read as well) at the moment, and if the only materials I had in my mind are not so good ones, so be it.

But let me try to shape it in a more uplifting tone, rather than an utter downfall.

It's going to be a review about 2017. The year that seems to be very much likely will be remembered about the most by myself, despite myself already knowing that I really do not want to remember the majority part of it. I really don't. It's one heck of a scary year, where things that I could never imagine happened to me actually do happen (in both good and not-so-good ways), and I lost control, and I had to struggle more than ever to grip back onto anything. And many other terrible, awful details that I'm very much thankful to be over (not necessarily bigger picture-wise over, but at least those smaller sequences ended). Most people don't know about it, and I would very much rather they stay that way, but somehow I end up typing this post knowing that the opposite would happen. See, my brain is a complicated logic machine indeed. But I'll try to stay in a lane where people who read this, like you, could actually learn something from what I experienced, and the last thing you would do is maybe empathizing me.

I started off 2017 coming back from one of the most remarkable trips I've ever had in my life (but that was before I went here and there). Nevertheless, instead of feeling happy and energized coming back to my residence in Edmonton, I felt more homesick than ever. The feelings of spending time with people you do like and make you feel that you do belong in their circle remind me of the comfort of home, something I was craving too much for. Something that I just realized, that I might not find here in this city. I could write an entire essay explaining my feelings and situations regarding that particular situation, (in fact I did, but I then cut-pasted all the texts into another (upcoming) post,) so I would just be brief here.

At the same time, a couple closest friends of mine happened to drift away as well because of some reasons that I couldn't explain here either. Hint: it involves some of them finding a new society which I clearly can never fit in any way possible even if I want to, some of them changing into the kind of people they never were before and it also falls into the same category of the previous group, and some of them finding... love. My mistake was probably that I stayed the same while everyone else changed, but I just couldn't change into what they have become. Long story short, that was the end of our previously-meaningful friendships. And just like that, it was the first time in my entire life that I thought that it's not worth it to chase those people. It was the first time in my life I let friends go, and decided not to stick around anymore. It was the time I broke the lifetime record of me keeping close to everyone that I was once close with. And no, it didn't feel good at all, it still does not, although maybe necessary.

The same time they occurred, I started discovering new phase of difficulty in my academic phase. I had the firsthand experience of a rather discriminating story, where people believed that I was really incapable of something that I had to gain a credit for. And I fought back, in a way where I tried not to hurt them back, because I knew I was capable of doing that, although I failed in convincing them initially. And it was the first time I cried uncontrollably in the middle of the night that I had to knock on my neighbor's door to disturb their sleep just because I was literally losing my mind at that moment. Just thinking that people could let you down that way is just... terrifying. But thankfully, I crawled back, I pushed back, and eventually I got what I knew I deserved to have. Wasn't easy at all, but the fight was worth every teardrop.

And along the Winter term 2017, I filled my days going to social gatherings, signing up for new clubs and volunteering activities, for the sake of looking for a new circle where I could fit in. All by myself, hoping that the casual conversation I tried to build with people in the room was going to lead me to a new lasting friendship with anybody on campus. Spoiler alert: never found it even until today, lol. Although, I did meet two early-20's Indonesian ladies that I clicked with and surely we immediately became friends. Kudos to Chacha and Suzi for saving me during those hardship. Also, I finally began to attend the Indonesian Muslim community's halaqah, and even though 90% of them were adults with the other 9% being babies and toddlers, at least I was happy to find people that speak my mother language again.

Springtime was when I began to gather my thesis data. I had an accident where suddenly, all the money that I had in my bank account was literally stolen and left zero and it took a week for the bank to process and recover all my savings. I was just arriving in Calgary at the time to do my thesis work, about to pay for hotel room rent when I realized that I had nothing in my savings and my credit card didn't even have enough balance. So all I could do was for sure, crying on the phone. Thankfully, an Indonesian family that I know in Edmonton was able to help me out by lending me some money to cover the hotel rent. That day was when I realized that I missed home way too much, because my family kept calling me to check if the situation got better, and they also sent me money rightaway to cover the loss temporarily. Needless to say, I then cried even more crazily because of how homesick I had been, and how I had realized that I had the best family in the world I would never replace even with the Kardashians (well, of course).

However, of course the feeling of social inclusion didn't stop there, because when I spent 1.5 months in Calgary, I had nobody around. I was just working with my cores, on my table, every single day. I was just too shy to talk to strangers across the table (who might be some gentlemen from a huge O&G company... Well if I were socially more extraverted I could've networked and been less stressed at the same time!), so I was just by myself all the time. But can you imagine though, being the only hijabi, with legit Asian face, brown skin, and short body, among all those Caucasian people? I mean, do you not know how terrifying it was?

But then, Summertime was the happiest time of the year, because, heck yeah, it's flippin' summer! Sunshine's in the air! That's already one good reason. But other than that, I also got lucky to be able to get one of the VIA Canada 150 pass, where basically I got a pass to travel to anywhere in Canada by VIA Rail train for the whole month of July of only 150$. Isn't that the best thing in the world? (jk, I've come to realize that the best thing in the world is the presence of family and loved ones :).) So of course, that's what I did. Traveling across southern border of Canada, coast to coast, for 38 days.

And I thought life's going to get better. I might have been wrong though.

In the Fall, I realized that I missed home way too much. All the accumulating ache I've felt since the beginning of the year is on a new level. I thought I'd become numb after some time, that I'd finally be okay with having no meaningful relationships with fellow human beings and just learn to be a lone wolf because none of my effort to change the situation seems to work, that I'd be overwhelmed with work and forget to miss home at last. Well, I was wrong. Having no more classes, only thesis, basically means that I now have more flexibility and freedom, in terms of work schedule, as well as social life. I no longer meet people in regular basis, because I was technically almost always the only person working in the office room (some people choose to work in their labs, I do not, just because the room setting). And after it went after some time, the bad thoughts after subconsciously constantly isolating myself finally caught me. All that I can confess is that it's the worst, scariest, most intense, most aggravating feeling I've ever experienced.

At some point, I realized I have become the worst version of myself that I never was before. I lost track on my responsibilities, I disappointed myself and other people related to my work a couple times although thankfully it wasn't something too major, but it made me even sadder than before. All the homesickness and alienation I've felt for the entire year, I thought I could still handle them because at least it didn't seem to affect my academic performance... Yet. But this time, it became real.

But He is good. He gave me the chance to feel happy for a bit. I was able to do one my lifetime dreams to solo travel to Peru. (Wasn't something I was going to do if not because I booked the ticket back in Winter, though.) It was a week where I was reminded how nice it feels to be able to the person that we know we are, that radiate positive energy into things that we choose to do, and just to be able to be the best version of yourself, amidst the overall tough situation that we're in. I made new foreign friends, stayed at a friend's friend's place which made me regret, "Why haven't we been friends since you were still at the U of A?!" and most of all, I became that bold, brave, fearless person that I always knew I could've become. And maybe... It's just a matter of time until I get to discover that side of me here, in Edmonton.

Nevertheless, after I came back, the pain became real again. I became familiar with counselling services, and many articles or videos regarding self-help, mental health, self isolation and/or inclusion, and so forth. Although, I was, and I am grateful for that as well, for it made me able to sit back and think about who I really was, what I want to become, what things actually matter to me, and make me want to build a closer, more meaningful relationship with my creator.

The pain still lingers, but I know I'm not alone. I am grateful that I, at least, have never had any thoughts about harming myself, because imagining the pain that my loved ones will have to go through to see me suffer even more is just... Unbearable. I can't handle that much of pain. And thinking about gratitude, I think I'd like to close this post with things that I'm thankful for in 2017, despite all the distress that I constantly mentioned about:

That I still have a supportive family, and I realize how much they mean to me, and how much I've taken them for granted all these years,

That I also have a supportive boyfriend and we're going through our fifth year together. That he's doing well with his studies in the Netherlands, and while many people around our age might still have insecurities about marriage and seeking for future spouse and everything, we might not have to worry about that,

That I still get to maintain my friendship with my best friends back home, and that they seem to be going through a good, deserving life,

All my traveling opportunities,

That I have the willingness to be a better servant for my creator, that my pain makes me feel that I want and I try to get closer to Him, that the only thing I want to do in 2018 (other than getting that MSc degree and reuniting with my loved ones) is becoming a better servant for Him.

Well, January 2018 clearly wasn't a turning point for the dark maze I was journeying into in 2017, but maybe we could try in February?

0 notes

woebegonewanderer · 4 years

Text

Habits

I believe that everyone had their own particular, remarkable journey. Whether they travelled overseas for school or work, whether they worked in companies or non-profits of their dream or not exactly, whether they did volunteering work, or even when they thought they still figured out things that suited them most. Mine is not the best one, because everyone's is. But it is one heck of a story.

One thing that I really felt was that, it felt like years and years of life lessons being shrinked into a two-year journey. Often times I found myself thinking, "Why hadn't I thought of it before?"

There are habits that I hope I'd still want, and be able, to do once I head back home. Like BYOB (Bring Your Own Bottle) and avoid plastic straws when purchasing coffee, tea, or even bubble drinks/juice; always bringing an extra tote bag just in case I need to go for an unforeseen trip to the grocery store; saying "thank you" to the bus drivers; and a bunch of other stuff that I might want to share later as well.

(to be continued)

0 notes

woebegonewanderer · 4 years

Text

To All the People I've Let to Bruise Me Before

But at the same time, wanting a closure makes me feel super selfish. Maybe a closure would only shift the guilt and hurt from myself to the other party. Especially because I don't think I am the kind of person who has the capability to verbally confront someone without sounding like I've been dwelling in days or weeks or months or years of anger and pain--which, by the way, I still am. And what good would it do if the only outcome is that "these people eventually have some ideas on how their traits and actions have impacted me all this time, but consequently, now they have to suffer some of the guilt as well"?

So to all people who need a closure from my end... I am terribly sorry. It would be extremely awkward to come and say, "Hey I'm sorry for what I did in the past."

This is what I did. I wrote a stack of letters.

(to be continued?)

0 notes

woebegonewanderer · 4 years

Text

On mental health: How I get back on my feet

Last year (read: 2017) was indeed a rough one. The toughest one in my entire life by far, I must say. With uncertainties, unfamiliarity, responsibilities, and basically just the lack of persons I could trust who were physically around. Every single day (and I was not even exaggerating--but minus the days where I was on travels) was filled with anxiety, fear, homesickness, sometimes anger too. I was generally sad. I've lost count on how many times I cried. If you don't know how it feels to not even have the energy to get out of your bed, be thankful. If you can't remember the time where you feel like having the worst feeling in the world, be thankful. I know how these things feel and I'm also grateful because it makes me appreciate the times where I still get to smile over any simplest thing.

I've read stuffs saying that when you're depressed, you cannot feel anything. So even as bad as my conditions were, I wasn't really sure what sort of situation I was in for the entire year. But if it's not depression, then I can't even begin to imagine how awful depression would be, because the shit I went through already felt like a complete hellhole that I couldn't crawl out of no matter how much I wanted and tried to. It's almost like a to-do list I have to just get through every day. If you want to survive another day, you just have to deal with that amount of suffer. It was ugly, and I really felt like I didn't know who this person that was inside my body.

Firstly, if it starts affecting your work, talk to your supervisors, bosses, professors, etc. before you even start attempting anything else.

Go to therapies and be honest about your problems

I was lucky that Edmonton has a bunch of clinics and offices that offer free drop-in consultation for anything related to your mental health. I got all the information that nobody ever told me about by researching everything by myself, and I went to a couple places to talk with some professionals. I was even luckier because apparently the grad students in my campus can have free consultations for as many times we need at a clinic that was close to my place as well. I was assigned to one specific lady, so I can always come visit her whenever I feel the need to burst out.

Sometimes admitting your problems may make you feel like a loser. It may make you question, "How did I end up here from my seemingly okay, if not good, life?" But in my personal experience, opening up and admitting where things suck--or where YOU suck--are keys to have the better conversation that will in turn help you more. Not all of the advices I receive from these meetings help; and some that do actually the things I already knew from before but was just afraid to do; but just being able to talk loudly, freely, and be heard are sometimes the only things you need to start recovering.

Join new communities so you have more options of people you can connect with.

Before I even start going to those clinics, I first forced myself to join more communities or go to more events at school. My single motivation was to be able to meet more people, in hopes that I might finally be able to find anyone I could be comfortable around with.

However, this idea may be a difficult step, as there was also a strong force that refrained me from meeting people in general, let alone the new ones. Forcing yourself out is key, if you're sure that this idea will do you no harm and you have nothing to lose by doing it.

The advantage of it, is that I also get to polish my resume, and 2017 became the year where I volunteered most often. ...

Praying may not fix the core issues, but knowing that "at least I'm doing something good today and it's not a day wasted for complete sorrows" is soothing and de-stressing.

I'm not a fan of opinions that circle around "pray your problems away." As a believer, I do believe that prayers would eventually help, but it does not mean that this is the only thing you should do to send your problems away. As someone who has been in this position, I feel that praying does not cause my feelings to be lighter, but it does help to assure you that you've been doing something nice today, and therefore it's not a useless day.

I don't know if people also feel the same way, but during these worst times, I was really concerned about wasting my time and my life in general by not doing anything good.

Do good things. If you can't help people directly because you're scared or have lost interest to even socialize, pay charities online or drop off some food for your local food bank.

Being around the people that do not give you anxiety is the key. Go be with those people for as long as you need it to be, no matter how far they are, no matter how difficult it is to get to them. It is worth it.

Keep tracks of your mood and emotions daily.

Exercise. Walk 10,000 steps a day. Dance. Be physically active.

List the exact, specific situations that make you feel so knocked down. List the exact conditions you'd like to accomplish out of those situations. If everything is achieveable even if it takes time, convince yourself everyday that the day will eventually come. If it's not achieveable, think of another solutions that you can attempt to reach.

Convince yourself that time is the best healer, so all you have to do today is as simple as survive and breathe and let times roll.

Understand that every single soul on Earth has their own demons and battles inside them, but most of us stay alive even if it may seem impossible at the beginning.

It's totally okay to only work effectively for an hour a day. Or even less. It's totally okay to invest more time to do self-care when you need it most. The world is not going to be ruined just because you take a better care of yourself.

0 notes

woebegonewanderer · 4 years

Text

In attempts to fit and be around people

Why do every time I go somewhere, I let people I meet to hurt me in a way nobody ever did before?

Being an INFJ with complicated mind and heart, I know how difficult it is to try to get to know myself. Which is why I really appreciate those who do.

It'd be nice if people had personally asked me to go.

0 notes

woebegonewanderer · 4 years

Text

Closure

It's insane how my mind works for the past couple years. I would stare at my computer screen, working on something of a top-list responsibility that could affect my professional career if I don't get them done properly, and then a second later tears would stream down my face because of a glance of a hurtful memory that I suddenly remembered. And just thinking about these people who might never actually realize what they have done to some part of me that is forever wounded and never mended--it's just extremely confusing.

If I could do one thing, it'd be sending letters to all these people. As hurtful as it might sounds, there's a bit of me who wants them to understand that whatever it was that they did in the past, I never received any proper apologies and as much as I wanted to just go on and forget the past, some wounds are often accidentally opened up again.

0 notes

woebegonewanderer · 4 years

Text

Just pure rants

In all its fairness, there are lots of things I very much hate about life. Like how it seems to favor the extroverts in terms of living a "praised" life. Those who are more verbal about what they want to achieve, those who do not find networking or making phone calls as the worst punishments they do not deserve, and those who are good at approaching and interacting with others. How is it that those who are the opposite, because well, they were simply born to be introverts, do not deserve the same praises just because they are not designed to do all those things that come naturally for the other group?

I also kinda hate people with pretty faces, particularly those who are aware that they do, and then use them as their primary tools to get such "praised" life. For example, social media influencer. How is it that you snap some good-looking photos of yourself, then because of that single asset that you do not even earn in the first place because God himself already gave you one from the very beginning, you actually have a job?

(Ok, I know some social media influencers do not use their looks as a part of their branding tool, and some pretty faces actually do have exceptional talents on modelling which require practices and hard work; but I'm talking about those who solely depend on their luck of accidentally having good looks.)

And then there are white privileges. And maybe other similar types of stuff that I have not come to think of yet. But I'm sure there's more to count.

All I'm saying is, I hate how life--or maybe, its society--seems to side with some things that come naturally to several people. I don't hate (too much) the part where others have to strive just to earn the same position that the first group has been given--I hate that it makes us think that some people are less than them. Like the idea that an extroverted, good-looking Caucasian is more superior than me?

'Cause I don't think it is. It's just we're made used to think that way. But do people understand?

Call me whiny, 'cause that's exactly what I'm doing right now.

0 notes

woebegonewanderer · 4 years

Text

Social Anexiety

Whether it's because of a more external or internal factor, or both. I could pretend that I enjoy every hangout session, social gathering, adventure, and whatever activities I undergo with these people here, but deep inside, I know something is lacking. Something that I tried to ignore for the previous six months because I kept telling myself, "You're only adapting. It'll eventually go away and you'll feel like home in no time!" But at that point in January 2017 I started thinking, I might not gonna get there. At least not anytime soon.

You know when you befriend someone because you really like them, and not because you're just afraid that without them you'll be an isolated being, trapped in their own prison? I miss that feeling. When I think, "Oh man I relate to this person so much/I feel that we're really connected/we're just effortlessly going along very well/I like them so much I wish we shared the same house," et cetera, and not the latter. Sometimes I thought it was because I haven't tried to open myself up, or I haven't put my best effort, or I raised the bar too high to spot that perfect friend... Which eventually makes me think, hey, do I socially suck... This much?

I was never a popular person, I never had a big group of close friends, but at least I wasn't performing this bad before. Never. In any community I joined in, eventually I'll always end up encountering a small circle of people where I could finally fit in. So, what is it this time? Is it really about me, or is it about the city, or what?

My confusion even grew stronger when I had vacations where I dared myself to Couchsurf at a stranger's place. The idea that I know for sure would never let my parents know about. But as a broke student who wanted to see the world, I risked my doubt and stayed with several strangers, in which I... successfully enjoyed very much. And they did leave very positive feedbacks regarding my stay as well. Then of course I thought, okay, so I can actually do this. So, why not in Edmonton?

I don't know if it's because me feeling inferior to nearly all the people that I've met in Edmonton, or because of me realizing how minor my existence is (heck, even in a community as minor as Muslim Students Association on campus I might be the only Asian around!), or because I'm still not confident speaking in English in a casual manner (...even though a formal session would be much worse, I guess) even after 1.5 year of speaking in this language 24/7... I really do not know.

#social anxiety #mental health

2 notes · View notes