#alfred jones is the biggest pain in my ass

[acemapleeh]

Alfred Home Headcanons

We see Alfred with quite a few houses throughout the series so I think it’s fair to say the man gets around and lives all across the country. It was difficult pinning down just a few for this post and even more so for the photos to go alongside it.

I’m going to be narrowing things down to regions of the United States but I think this man has at least one home in every state. We’ll be here a lifetime if I had to describe his home in Ohio vs Indiana.

We’ll start with New England.

His oldest homes are located here, the most noteworthy is his white colonial home in Massachusetts just outside of Boston overlooking the bay. This is the one he was raised in for a large part of his youth under Arthur’s care and tutorage. Think of the house that we see in the episode of America’s Storage Room Cleaning with the wrap-around porch and expansive garden. It’s an honestly massive home for just one person to be living in. During the mid to late 1800′s when people like Lovino, Tolys, and Morgan came to work in the United States, this was the main residence that Alfred lived with them in. Finally felt a little less lonely.

I think Cape Cod or Georgian is the best fit for the style of house in this region, like, to be more specific.

Traditional accents rather than it being the main focus.

Similarly to Arthur's dust-covered archive of an estate, this is where Alfred stores a lot of his things from the days of old. Unlike his father, he doesn't put much out on display. A couple pieces of memorabilia here and there but for the most part, he's got it in a box shoved in a corner of a room he hasn't opened in half a century.

What once was Sir Lord Kirkland's bedroom when staying in the colonies, has the largest upstairs balcony that looks over the garden and on clear days, out to the harbor. A telescope perched on the railing always on the lookout for father's return home.

I think something of old he does have out on display is a massive quilt he has up and framed in the living room. It's something that took him ages to finish back in the 19th century and the fabric is far too fragile for him to use it practically anymore.

For New York, he lives in a high-rise apartment in Manhattan. Big, open floor plan, and lots of large windows, and it's perfect for entertaining guests. This is his most modern and luxurious residence. Beautiful view of the city and Central Park. Think of the apartment that we see in Hetalia of the Living Dead.

Back in the 20s he 100% had one of those big Gatsby mansions out in the Hamptons and threw parties all of the time but got rid of it all towards the latter half of the decade. Think of the ridiculousness of Mansion Party by Ninja Sex Party

The last one for this area will be the brick row house in West Philadelphia. This is likely his second oldest home and where he spent a lot of his time during the Revolution. This is where he feels like where he was really born as a nation so he has a lot of deep ties here.

I want to give him an attic bedroom with a desk by the window that can see the steeple of Christ Church near the Delaware River. The same desk he's written pamphlets for the Revolution, letters to his brother, and for even a time, a typewriter when he was feeling a resurgence of literature and poetry in the early 20th century is still there.

I don't which state exactly has that beautiful blue suburban with the big pool. Somewhere there's not a lot of snow year-round and gets those hot summers where all you want to do is submerge yourself in water. Somewhere in the South, I'm thinking either one of the Carolinas or Georgia.

He feels like the type of person to have ranches all across the central US. Most of the year he has other people working on them to take care of the animals.

The one he frequents the most is the working cattle ranch in Arizona.

Time capsule midcentury house out in the Midwest. I want to say somewhere in the Chicago area. I want to put it in Southern California where this style of house first started to get popular but going to give some love to other parts of the country.

Floor-to-ceiling windows, a sunk-in living room pit, short staircases connecting rooms throughout the house, partial brick walls, fireplaces centered in rooms, and several doors and windows to access the outdoor living space.

If you've been on my blog for a while then you might have noticed I love making Alfred a California Beach Boy. I can give him so many houses in just this state alone but I'll keep it short and sweet.

His bum-out beach cottage is located in Santa Monica and he's been located there since the 1890s. The house itself has been remodeled and updated several times over the past century. The materials he uses for the house as well as the layout stay fairly consistent, with lots of natural, light wood and open space to allow in lots of sunlight and central airflow. It's also a small space; you open that front door and right away you can already see the living room, kitchen, dining room, and out to the ocean out back. The entryway is the house.

It's almost purposely made so you can see the wear on the floors and furniture. If he drops a surfboard on the floor and there's some damage left behind, he'll leave it there. You can see the wood frames have been handmade and have some flaws and mistakes if you run a hand over them.

It's also very analog with most of the tech in the house dating to maybe the mid-90s at the latest: VHS and record player, rotary phone, etc. No AC either but he does have a great internet connection.

If I cannot fulfill my lifelong dream of having a colorfully painted Victorian house in San Francisco then Alfred can have one. I think he spent a lot of time in the 80s in the Bay Area and this old house was just a constant project of fixing up and refurbishing.

Okay, the last one I'll talk about for the time being will be his house up in Washington State.

I just really love Contemporary houses and Alfred had one built for him when they first started gaining popularity in the Pacific Northwest in 1935. Large windows invite the beauty of the region into the house while complementing the natural landscape. The Pacific Northwest features steep, rugged terrain that encourages post and beam architecture.

Tucked away in cozy woods and nestled along a majestic river.

Decor often brings nature indoors using live-edge wooden furniture, stone and wooden accents, and other cozy touches.

I don't see Alfred as being a big log cabin person but incorporate the coziness of one into this house. Place that Twilight filter on and it's his most aesthetic getaway.

#hws america #alfred f jones #aesthetic #headcanons #hetalia #ace creates #dumb little headcanons #alfred jones is the biggest pain in my ass #i loved and hated compiling all these images #i have so many more that weren't used y'all #i was annoyed with arthur's big stupid estate #this fucker has his own stupid expensive homes #long post #i feel like i'm going to have to make a part 2 #and not talk extensively about california

[angst-fairygodmother]

He Could Be That Boy ~ Alfie Jones x Reader (Me and Mrs. Jones) - 1

A/N: I decided to just go with it. And then it turned into at least a 2 part thing. Maybe 3? Is it a series now? I don’t know, we’ll see what happens at this point. Stupid boy-creature.

Word Count: 1075

Rating: T - heavy alcohol consumption, jealousy, language

“Why do you call him Scarecrow?” Billy asked, planting his elbows on the bar next to you as you watched Alfie saunter off toward a group of giggling girls in the corner.

“Oh god,” you laughed awkwardly. “It’s been a running joke since primary school. Mostly it’s because he walks around like he doesn’t know what bones are. But also…” you cleared your throat, putting on an exaggerated American accent and singing, “If I only had a brain…”

Billy laughed. “That seems mean.”

“Oh come on. You know I’m right. Alfie has one of the biggest hearts I know, but...he’s sweet, and adorable, and stupid. Like a puppy.”

“I guess he’d have to be, to not see that his best friend is in love with him.”

“You are?” you joked, heart racing at how quickly Billy had seen through you, and the shrewd gaze he leveled at you.

“Y/N,” he sighed, fixing you with a firm look. “Why haven’t you told him?”

“Because it always seemed like a bad time, and then he left. And besides...Alfie’s type is tall and leggy and supermodel-y. And I’m...just me,” you shrugged. You had given up a long time ago on that venture, preferring to watch from afar and be there for him when he needed you, usually because another one of his Type had broken his heart.

“I think you’d be surprised, if you give him a chance.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be doling out drinks with your wisdom, Mr. Cliché?” 

Billy shrugged, turning back to the wall of liquor bottles, before returning a moment later to place a glass on the bar-top.

“What’s this?” you asked, eyeing it, and him, suspiciously.

“A drink to go with my wisdom.” He smiled winningly, and even you, with your heart set on someone else, were not immune to his charms for a moment. “Specifically, though it pains me to make, it’s a scotch and soda, with a twist. Orange not lime. Alfie may have mentioned they were your favorite.”

“And you remembered that before we even met?” you raised an eyebrow, still skeptical. 

“A good bartender knows his customers. And he mentioned it more than once.”

You marveled for a moment at the idea that you had come up in conversation between the two young men, especially so frequently that Billy had been able to commit your drink of choice to memory. Actually, it seemed miraculous that Alfie had even known, let alone shared that information. You nibbled nervously on the end of the straw, puzzling over what that meant.

~

Alfie looked up at Y/N's laugh and scowled as he watched her lightly hit Billy's arm with her palm. He scoffed. 

“First my mum and now my best mate,” he muttered petulantly. “I'm beginning to regret bringing you back from China.”

A few moments later, Y/N left for the loos, and Billy tucked her drink behind the bar for safekeeping, and Alfie seized the opportunity, a spike of surprising anger shooting through him. He shrugged off the gorgeous blonde that had been sitting on his lap and stormed over to the bar.

“What the fuck are you doing, mate?” he snapped, leaning close to Billy to keep his voice a hiss.

“Working?” the Irishman asked winningly, raising a confused eyebrow.

Alfie jabbed a finger into his friend’s face. “Well quit it. Y/N is...my Y/N and I won’t let you toy with her. Find someone else to work.” A pair of finger-quotes and a sarcastic bob of his head accompanied the spat final word.

“Alfie--” Billy started.

“No. The thing with my mom was weird, but I got over it. But I’m not going to let you do that to Y/N too.”

“I’m not trying--”

“You know what she means to me.”

“I'm just being friendly.”

“Friendly? Yeah right. Stop. Flirting. With. Y/N.”

“Alfie…” Billy cast a glance over Alfie's shoulder where you stood, wide-eyed before quickly narrowing your expression to a glare. 

“Really?” You exclaimed, catching your friend's attention, tone somewhere between furious and hurt. 

All your lives he had hated it every time you sounded like that, and hated himself for being the one to cause it now.

“Y/N! How much of that did you hear?” He grimaced, voice cracking with nerves. 

“You are such a selfish ass, Alfred Jones,” you could feel hot tears gathering in your eyes but for a second, you didn't care. You wanted Alfie to see. “You could never want me, but god forbid anyone else does either?”

“Y/N, that’s not…”

Turning to Billy, back to Alfie, you dug around for your wallet, until he held up a hand. 

“We’re good, Y/N,” he said, frowning sympathetically. 

“Thanks, I’ll settle up with you later, I swear. It was really nice chatting with you Billy. Alfie, go to hell.” 

With that you spun on a heel and stormed out of the bar, trying to keep your head high. Unfortunately you didn’t make it far past the closing door before the facade cracked and you sank to the curb with a sob. You curled in on yourself, burying your face into your knees, years of frustration and heartbreak spilling out until you could barely breathe.

“Y/N?” Alfie’s voice was hesitant, and quiet in a way you couldn’t remember ever hearing him before. “Hey.”

“What do you want, Alfie?” you mumbled, sniffling and swiping at your eyes.

He sat down next to you, nudging your shoulder, as he always did, pulling a face to try and make you laugh. Try as you might, you couldn’t keep the corners of your mouth from twitching up at the corners. After a moment, he looked away, tugging nervously at his lower lip pinched between thumb and forefinger.

“Will you come back inside and let me buy you a drink, make things right?”

You sighed, whatever anger you felt melting away instantly. “There’s nothing to make right, Alf,” you said with a roll of your eyes.

“You sure?”

“Of course. I’ll always love you, Alfie, you know that.”

He grinned. “Always?”

“Unless you become a serial killer or something,” you shook your head. “But I won’t say no to another drink anyway. As long as you’re not going to accuse Billy of flirting again...”

He grinned, tugging you to your feet and wrapping an arm around your shoulders as he led you back inside. “Of course not.”

#*grumble grumble* why is he so fun to write. Dramatic ass hoe #I rewatched the series and honestly...Billy who? #I can't do that romcom protag schtick #Alfie Jones x reader #Me and Mrs. Jones fic

[urmomsstuntdouble]

ok not sure how comprehensible this post is gonna be but! regarding the languages discussion, here are my thoughts about the anglo americans. be warned this post is long as fuck, but thank you so much if you do read all of it, and i’d love to hear your thoughts about it as well! 

so i just wanna start with alfred’s name- alfred. i think he may be named after alfred the great of wessex, who may or may not have been the first king of england. he wasn’t technically the king of a unified england that we’d think of it as today- he was the king of wessex, as his title implies, but there was a point at which he was “in charge” or however you want to put it of most of present day southern england. anyway this presents the first of his issues with his identity. he’s permanently tied to britain beyond just his culture and most common language- his name is a reminder of who he “belongs to.” of course most people don’t know that and they just think it’s a little odd that this 19yo miles morales type is called alfred but eh, what are you gonna do. 

then you have the fact that there’s no official language in the US, which makes things a little harder for him. he’s never sure what language he’s supposed to be speaking in, as the human representative of america. he thinks it should be english, seeing as that is the lingua franca, but there’s times when he just doesn’t vibe with english as a language. i mentioned before that he struggles with keeping his (spanish) dialects straight (which @cupofkey summed up as immigrant-kid-syndrome and that’s exactly it), although its not limited to just spanish. he also has a hard time keeping other shit in line, to the extent where his thoughts are a messy jumble of languages, concepts, images, and feelings. this is most evident when he’s nervous, because his accent will get super thick and he’ll start just saying the words that pop into his mind, even if they’re in another language or straight up not words at all. the only peson who can understand him when he’s doing this is canada. both of them are countries of immigrants, although they are different in who immigrated and when, so they dont have the exact same nervous tick language, but it’s close enough that they can communicate well. it’s sort of like a more global version of europanto? might sound something like this to an outside observer, but again, more global (also for the video they dont start talking until 1:17). 

america and canada also have a sort of inextricable bond because of the first nations people. the first tribe that comes to mind are the members of the okanagan national alliance, which straddles the present day border of british columbia and washington state (this is also something america shares with mexico). it’s caused a lot of pain between them personally, and with the okanagan nation. just as the border itself is vague- though the us-canada border is more respected than the okanagan borders- the parts of their identities are also vague. they feel bits and pieces of themselves ebbing and flowing, and matt and fred have gotten into arguments about it because they struggle to define their identities and they just want to be able to explain themselves to themselves. but you know that often winds up causing friction with the okanagan nations, because whatever issues with identity regarding their indigenous people fred and matt are having. they’ve got it worse, only in a sort of..negative image. like whereas fred and matt feel it on the fringes of themselves, making it so they cant tell where they end and other nations begin, the okanagan nations feel themselves being slowly eroded. none of them want each other to suffer, though, because the okanagan people can be americans and canadians and okanagans all at the same time. 

this also applies with the american border with mexico, seeing as there’s some areas in the southwestern us where spanish is spoken more than english. when he’s down there, freddie finds it easier to communicate than when he’s speaking english. chicano is his language just as much as english is- he just sort of became able to speak it when the west was colonized, and he already knew spanish for business purposes, so there ya go. there are some issues with that though because the spanish in the west is primarily from mexico and central america, whereas the east is more from the caribbean- like how miami has a large cuban minority. so he’s got a weird sort of chicano english too, because it’s no longer “pure” chicano. pure is a very loose term there because there is of course variation within southwestern chicano speakers. angelinos don’t have the same chicano as nuevomexicanos. anyway i think he’d get it mixed up with spanish proper or spanglish a lot because of the similar phonetic rules. i’m not sure about any indigenous tribes who have land that straddles the us-mexico border, but that’s probably not alfred’s biggest worry with That Border. actually no i think he might purposefully talk in an aggressively chicano dialect whenever someone in the government wants to talk to him about the ice concentration camps. like he usually doesn’t try that hard to keep the wrong language out of his mouth but he will go Full Chicano, just to make them uncomfortable and to try to get the point across that he can literally feel the physical pain of the people trapped at the border in those camps. but this also causes some tension with the countries of origins of those people, seeing as they can also feel that pain. there’s quite a lot of discourse between america, mexico, guatemala, honduras, and el salvador about that, because none of them quite know what to do. they argue again about whose pain it is and how they should, as nation personifications, deal with it.

another thing that he struggles with where matt is concerned is with his indigenous languages. the languages of his northernmost people are the most at risk and endangered, and some are actually in the process of dying. he hates that, because as much as he wants to act like he speaks just SCE and quebecois, he doesn’t. he knows all of his people’s languages, and it makes him feel like he’s losing his identity a little bit when his indigenous languages start fading away. the worst part about this is that he doesn’t even always know it’s happening until the fading feeling kicks in, so sometimes he’ll just make a point of going up to the northwestern territories and try to hang out with the oldest inuit people he can find to try and have a chat. and it’s ROUGH communicating at first but when he can get back into it he feels more solid and defined. i think this isn’t unique to him, and that the other countries in the americas do this too, but bc of the way civil rights work in canada, it’s a little different for him. because indigenous canadians are recognized as a certain class of citizen, indigenous canadian governments have a collective legal bargaining power and could theoretically ask for legal protections from the ottowa government for their languages. however, this doesn’t apply to the northwest territories, so that’s why matt goes there specifically to talk to old ass indigenous people. their languages aren’t protected legally in the same way that french and quebecois are, so he sort of takes it upon himself as mr canada to do preserve the languages and history. it’s especially sad when a language dies out forever, because then he’s one of very few people who still speak it and if he wants anyone else to know about it he’d have to teach them. but since the language is dead, there’s no one for him to get help from. the people who once spoke it are gone or use other languages now, and it’s all very weight of the world on his shoulders. i think this makes him very sad, because of the weirdly smug left wing anti-american nature of canadian nationalism. like he understands exactly the sort of pressure freddie is under but also has a cultural pressure to not say anything about it or even offer to help. 

this is also why he has the most boring and basic idiolect out of perhaps the entire anglosphere- even arthur has a distinct posh dialect that he uses most of the time. matthew talks like a textbook. a very polite and anxious textbook, but a textbook all the same. and matthew williams actually kind of likes what alfred jones has going on, but canada doesn’t. canada fell into british hands after the end of the 7yr war, which happened to be the war that sparked the american revolution (speaking of which the ages for america and canada make no goddamn sense, ask me about it if you want more detailed thoughts). loyalists fled to canada, and developed a superiority complex around the idea that they weren’t ungrateful. then it was about how they weren’t slave owners- which isn’t entirely true- and in the present day, even in hetalia canon, canadians often define themselves in relation to america. that is, they are better than americans because of xyz political thing. right now, to quote the anime, it’s “our free healthcare and lack of gun crime, eh.” this also poses some difficulties for canada in terms of culture, though, because if that much of their national pride comes from being better than america, what do they have to make a name for themselves? for anglo canadians, that’s a more complicated question. for quebeckers, it’s that the’re not anglo canadians. but quebec is also annoying as fuck and canada actually has nightmares about there being a successful secession movement there, so. i don’t know what the average anglo canadian thinks of quebec seeing as im not an average anglo canadian, but i do know that i hate their accents so now matt does too, although he will respect their right to have their language protected by the ottowa government (because quebec, that’s why). 

anyway i do have one last thought and that’s that nobody will ever really know america or canada like they know each other. they struggle with a lot of the same issues regarding language, but america has just sort of given up. in some ways, matt’s jealous of him, and in others he’s so glad he’s not the united states. but they do understand each other a lot as the anglo americans, and as some of the number one destinations for immigration out of the entire world. so yeah, i dont have any specific strong conclusion ot this post, but would absolutely love to hear your thoughts about languages in the americas! shit’s wack in this neck of the woods my dudes. 

oh actually one last thing. i think america and canada struggle a bit with their identities because they dont fit into any one specific group, linguistically or otherwise. they feel a bit isolated from the rest of the world specifically due to the intensity of the melting pot effect, and even within their own countries sometimes. people will be like oh you’re too white or you’re too black or you’re too dine or too much whatever other culture, so they often feel isolated from that stuff because they are all of those things, and have a deep connection with all of it. anyway they’ll always be there for each other

#hhh this is Long #good job if you read all that its just pure unfiltered thoughts about the anglo americans #anyway sorry if the stuff about indigenous languages was weird or wrong #i have family who are dine so i tried to echo what they've told me about their relationships with that aspect of their heritage #as white passing dine latinos #but also just thinking about how fucking painful it must be to be a country #like my heart really goes out to them #specifically these lads #just because of the treatment of minorities within their borders..like how in the us you have so called patriots who are violently racist #im not sure how exactly i think stuff like domestic genocide or ethnic cleansing works in hetalia #but i think it might be analogous to self harm #idk #anyway enjoy this #hetalia #hws #hws america #hws canada #hws mexico #sort of #hws languages #this took..way too long to write but eh i enjoyed it #ceros posting

[supercultshow]

Howdy all you Supercultists out there on the interwebz! I’m Bad Movie Professor Cameron Coker (BS in “Bat Nipples” with a minor in “Ice Puns”) and I’ll be posting my hype-tacular speeches every week along with some long lost speeches from past Supercult Shows!

This week winter has come at last to Supercult in the form of one of the greatest cinematic blunders in all of history: Batman and Robin!

Batman and Robin are back in the fourth film in the Batman superhero series and the second film in the series directed by Joel Schumacher. George Clooney stars as Bruce Wayne/Batman while Chris O’Donnell and Michael Gough return as Dick Grayson/Robin and Alfred Pennyworth, respectively. The dynamic duo are back to protect Gotham City from villainy, but when the cold-hearted Mr. Freeze and the enticingly toxic Poison Ivy attack tensions rise between the two heroes. Can the Dark Knight and the Boy Wonder resolve their differences and save the city from certain destruction? Strength Now. Courage Always. Family, Above All. Batman & Robin!

As of 2019, this is the first and only appearance of Batgirl in a live-action Batman feature film.

According to a makeup artist, Arnold had potentially deadly costume effects. The battery for the LED lights in his mouth would start to dissolve in his saliva and leak battery acid into his mouth.

“Curses!” -an actual line from this already silly film.

Michael Gough: one of the only person to survive all 4 original Batman films (the other being Pat Hingle who played Commissioner Gordon). What a bad ass.

Someone please tell me how all these diamonds somehow combine into a fuel source for a freeze laser.

George Clooney and his stunt doubles went through 50 rubber Batsuits.

After the film’s negative reception, plans for Tim Burton’s “Superman Lives” have been shut down. The movie would’ve been a first attempt to have a shared universe between Batman and Superman, with George Clooney reprising his role as Batman, and with Nicolas Cage as Superman.

Is this a miniature? Is this an overly indulgent set? Does the audience care?? Do the ACTORS??

You want to have plants take over the earth and I want to freeze the planet. Sounds like we should work together!

Two Words: Bat Nips.

This gang is apparently called the Golums, but we all know they’re really called the ‘We Love Neon and Blacklight Club’.

The Batman costume was a 50 lbs. (22.6 kg.) rubber body suit with a 40 lb. rubber cape attached to the headpiece. Batgirl’s and Robin’s costumes weighed 50 lbs each. Mr. Freeze’s weighed 75 lbs.

Oh Bane…it would take 15 years before films did you justice.

I mean, yeah, this movie is bad. But Arnold looks pretty snazzy in his polar bear slippers.

Did we mention that Coolio is in this film? Well…he is. It doesn’t make the film any better or worse. It’s just…a thing that is.

From the opening frames of this film you know it’s going to be a treat. The foam latex laden suit-up scene seems to linger just a bit too long on expertly modeled bird buttocks, bat nipples, and caped crusader cod pieces. The opening would fit just as well in a high-budget Batman burlesque show. Oh, how optimistic the 90s were. The original Batman directed by Tim Burton seemed like such a long shot and paid off spectacularly. Burton discarded the camp of the 1960s Adam West TV series and adapted the atmospheric gothic noir of the 1940s…which is apparently an era when Batman couldn’t turn his head and has no problem with just straight up murdering people. Tim Burton’s version of batman was so iconic that it defined the tone, color, music, and even dialogue choices for the entire character for the next 2 decades. The next three sequels, Batman Returns and Batman Forever, stuck to the formula of the 1989 original for the most part. In each the level of camp was slowly cranked up:

Batman Returns: Let’s take up half the Warner Brothers lot with expansive water-filled Gotham City sets! Let’s focus even more on the villains and really hammer home the tragedy and the childhood pain festering into megalomania! Not only that, let’s have TWO villains instead of just one! Let’s get a combination of real penguins, actors in fiberglass penguin suits, and puppets for the villain’s evil missile-toting penguin army! DID I MENTION THE PENGUIN ARMY??

Batman Forever: They liked the two-villain thing, so let’s do that again. We’ll get another two actors at the top of their game to play ridiculous, over-the-top, gothic cartoon characters! Let’s go with Tommy Lee Jones, still riding off the high of his starring role in the Fugitive, and then Jim Carrey at his comedic height just a year after the release of not one but three of his most iconic films: Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, The Mask, and Dumb and Dumber! Oh yeah and let’s swap out the director, the lead, the love interest, and paint the whole film in neon. These things aren’t meant to be dark, gritty, adult films! They’re comic book films for god’s sakes! We gotta sell toys to kids!

But here’s the thing Supercultists: If you’re going to be this campy you have to be either funny or endearing. Carrey carried Batman Forever and killed it as a genuinely funny and threatening adaptation of the Riddler. Danny DeVito, in his own gruesome way, made us feel for a Batman villain in a way that the batman animated series later sought to emulate with their reimagining of Mr. Freeze and the creation of Harley Quinn.

So, what happened? Was it overindulgence? Sure, scenes are campier and there are now not 2 but 3 villains: Mr. Freeze, Poison Ivy, and a neutered version of Bane who serves as a glorified mook for Ivy. Perhaps the concept of pushing the art style even further strained the bounds of reality? Sure, Gotham was larger than life in 19889, but the 1997 version has gigantic futurist statues holding up the buildings as if Gotham was constructed on the corpses of a race of colossi. Perhaps the film lost some of the comedic charm of its predecessors. At last count Mr. Freeze utters something like 27 ice puns throughout the film and at times it can be difficult to discern whether or not the film is being ridiculous on purpose. The opening fight scene looks like Batman on Ice with the heroes literally clicking their heels together to activate ice skate boots.

Perhaps the problem is higher up than that… Was it the studio pressure to make the film more “toyetic”? The film’s design seems catered to the toy market with every character having a wacky light-up vehicle, set piece, or gadget that could function as an action figure. Batman’s new car features a transparent hood so that audiences can see the colorful spinning bat-engine as if hypnotizing children and adults alike into emptying their wallets at the nearest department store this Christmas. For crying out loud Poison Ivy even has a line “I’m a lover, not a fighter That’s why every Poison Ivy action figure comes complete with him!” *points to Bane* Perhaps it was simply cost? In their bid to get even more top-billed Hollywood names for the latest and greatest (read: only, unless you count things like Spawn) comic book film, Arnold Schwarzenegger was reputed to have earned $25 million for his approximate 25 minute on-screen role as Mr. Freeze, basically a million a minute. Not to mention Uma Thurman, the poster girl for Pulp Fiction, and the, at the time, up and coming George Clooney.

The whole film cost an estimated $125 million and was a modest commercial success but was a spectacular critical flop. With a 3.7 on IMDB and an 11% on Rotten Tomatoes, it’s no surprise that the film killed the batman film series and nearly killed the entire superhero film genre. The film was voted #1 in Empire magazine’s “50 Worst Movies Ever”, #5 in Entertainment Weekly’s Top 25 Worst Sequels Ever Made, and won a Razzie Award for Worst Supporting Actress for Alicia Silverstone as Batgirl (as well as 10 other Razzie nominations for everything from Worst Picture and Worst Director to Worst Screen Couple and Worst Original Song). Not Joel Schumacher or George Clooney defend the film anymore. When filming was over, George Clooney reportedly quipped, “I think we just killed the series.” He’s even been known to refund people who saw the film and has called the film a “waste of money” in spite of his admittance that it was the biggest break he ever had as a then TV star making the jump to Hollywood.

But we here at Supercult know it’s not the worst film (we’ve seen A LOT worse). At the very least it’s entertaining at times, hilarious at others, and always a feast for the eyes. Even now we can see the 90s superhero film influence on modern pop culture. The next few superhero films such as Sam Rami’s Spider-Man series still attempted to recreate the earnest wackiness of Tim Burton’s series while attempting to avoid the cautionary tale of Batman and Robin. Grittier remakes of batman still pay homage to Tim Burton’s Batman in their aesthetics, their music, and their tone.

Batman and Robin may be the worst batman film ever, but that makes it the best Supercult Batman film ever, bat nipples and all.

This is why Superman works alone! The Supercult show is proud to present Batman and Robin!

    Batman & Robin Howdy all you Supercultists out there on the interwebz! I’m Bad Movie Professor Cameron Coker (BS in “Bat Nipples” with a minor in “Ice Puns”) and I’ll be posting my hype-tacular speeches every week along with some long lost speeches from past Supercult Shows!

#1990s #Action #Alicia Silverstone #Arnold Schwarzenegger #Batman #Batman & Robin #Batman and Robin #Chris O&039;Donnell #Coolio #George Clooney #Joel Schumacher #Michael Gough #Pat Hingle #Razzie Award Nominee #Razzie Award Winner #Razzie Nomination #sci-fi #Super Hero #superhero #Tim Burton #Uma Thurman