#actuallyenby | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

autismserenity · 6 years

Video

youtube

One of the most frequently-repeated bits of exclusionist misinformation is that asexuality didn’t even exist before 1999. (Why this would be relevant, even if it were true, is beyond me. A lot of the people who make this argument didn’t exist before 1999 either, but that doesn’t seem to mean that they’re imaginary, or don’t belong in the larger community, or aren’t oppressed.)

There are a lot of counterexamples, like these ace history pieces from Making Queer History, and these 1970s mentions of asexuals in the straight media and LGBT+ media. (And, of course, there are plenty of studies and examples of ace oppression.) One of the most common examples of people calling themselves asexual, before now-ish, is this 1989 episode of “Sally Jesse Raphael,” above. Where she interviews someone, who uses the alias “Toby,” about being ace.

Well, my ace, autistic, queer, and genderqueer friend Nat just spoke at the Asexuality Conference in the UK, and showed me “the 2012 conference talk that I made into an excessively detailed blog post [about ace community history online]....”

and GUESS WHO TOBY IS.

also, guess how far back the autistic community was talking about ace stuff! (golly gee, come to think of it, we probably didn’t exist as an organized community before about the 90s EITHER, bad news for us, guess we don’t exist and aren’t oppressed) Here’s an excerpt from that “excessively detailed blog post”:

-----------

A 2017 SIDE NOTE ON TOBY’S IDENTITY:

A few months after this 2012 Asexual WorldPride Conference talk, I finally got to see the Sally Jesse Raphael “Toby” interview, thanks to YouTube account BetamaxBooty, and immediately recognised that xe was Autistic Rights pioneer and co-founder of Autism Network International (ANI), Jim Sinclair, who features heavily in the 2000 “Autreat” short documentary film.

I had just recently been formally diagnosed as autistic myself, and remembered being strongly affected and influenced by Jim’s Don’t Mourn For Us in my earliest days on the internet, 15 years before. But I had never realised that Jim was also the near mythical nonbinary figure that so many described to me as genderqueer community folklaw.

Jim also coined the phrase “self-narrating zoo exhibit” (and watching the Sally Jesse Raphael interview with its amazingly invasive audience Q&A, it’s not hard to see why!) and prominently spoke out against ‘person first’ language.

When I attended the UK Autscape conference a month after the Asexual Conference, many people I met had no problem understanding my gender neutral nonbinary identity or my asexuality, because they knew Jim. Although some were surprised that I was trans rather than intersex. This is where I’d first discovered, via Wikipedia, that in 1997, xe “remain[ed] openly and proudly neuter, both physically and socially.”

Then while reading the 2012 ASAN essay collection ‘Loud Hands: Autistic People Speaking‘, I was astounded to discover that the very first Autistic-run autism conference stream in November 1995 had included a panel on asexuality.

Jim Sinclair is a true pioneer of so many of the communities and identities I was a part of, and influenced so many of us, whether we knew it or not.

#ace history #wall of words #ace representation #autistic history #actuallyautistic #actually ace #actuallyenby

2K notes · View notes

autismserenity · 6 years

Photo

"Ugh. TERF Discourse AGAIN," under a line drawing of eyerolling, is by far my favorite sign from SF Trans March 2018. Double bonus points for being carried by proud, loving trans people with their arms around one another. (I ran the photo through an artsy Prisma filter to make it even harder to identify anyone in it. Also, if any truscum were thinking of reblogging it: go ahead, and FYI, golly, that massive daylong gathering -- the largest in the world -- sure was full of joyful binary and nonbinary trans people celebrating one another, working together, and respecting each other's pronouns! I particularly enjoyed seeing people from the queer youth center, which helped create the queer youth clinic where I transitioned, and where my genderqueer ass used to co-moderate the trans youth group! The medical professionals at that clinic twenty years ago, who used the informed consent model for trans health, were really at the cutting edge. It sure is fantastic that so many medical professionals were working with nonbinary trans people at the time, to research what different transition options looked like, so that we could have the Standards of Care we have today, which have acknowledged nonbinary people as trans, and deserving of transition, for literally YEARS! Which reminds me, it was also spectacular when I made an appointment at a totally different clinic last week, and they asked me for my and my partner's pronouns... just because they ask everybody... and I gave them THE DREADED NOUNSELF PRONOUNS that truscum love to hate... they were like, "oh, those aren't even the hardest neopronouns I've heard! I have trouble pronouncing the ones with z's in them." And then they wished me "happy Pride." Happy Pride to all!

#wall of words #trans pride #terf mention #trans activism #actuallyenby

92 notes · View notes

autismserenity · 6 years

Text

the queerest thing i’ve ever seen, part 3

i don’t think i need to justify this one, but i WILL say omg this video is frequently playing on repeat in our house, and river uses it to deal with sensory overwhelm and all manner of emotional ills. the baby loves it too! (dance is one of their special interests, and i think they recognize femme genderqueer people in particular as Our People. so it’s just utterly their jam.)

youtube

this version is sad but beautiful:

youtube

#pride #actuallyenby #trans #queer culture #trans culture #drag culture #idk what else to tag it i just love it so much #baby x #queerest things

17 notes · View notes

autismserenity · 7 years

Link

"It's very easy to assume that Judaism is an exclusively gender-binary religion. Almost all of the common traditional laws are based on the assumed differences between males and females. We see it in assumed gender roles, in liturgy, in proscribed family responsibilities, and in both our secular and religious laws. If, however, we look just a bit deeper into our sacred texts, we see that a simple male/female binary is not only cumbersome, it's wholly inaccurate. This description from Trans Torah/Rabbi Elliot Kukla starts the conversation that we will continue throughout the summer: "Zachar/זָכָר: This term is derived from the word for a pointy sword and refers to a phallus. It is usually translated as “male” in English. "Nekeivah/נְקֵבָה: This term is derived from the word for a crevice and probably refers to a vaginal opening. It is usually translated as “female” in English. "Androgynos/אַנְדְּרוֹגִינוֹס: A person who has both “male” and “female” sexual characteristics. 149 references in Mishna and Talmud (1st-8th Centuries CE); 350 in classical midrash and Jewish law codes (2nd -16th Centuries CE). "Tumtum/ טֻומְטוּם A person whose sexual characteristics are indeterminate or obscured. 181 references in Mishna and Talmud; 335 in classical midrash and Jewish law codes. "Ay’lonit/איילונית: A person who is identified as “female” at birth but develops “male” characteristics at puberty and is infertile. 80 references in Mishna and Talmud; 40 in classical midrash and Jewish law codes. "Saris/סריס: A person who is identified as “male” at birth but develops “female” characteristics as puberty and/or is lacking a penis. A saris can be “naturally” a saris (saris hamah), or become one through human intervention (saris adam). 156 references in mishna and Talmud; 379 in classical midrash and Jewish law codes. "There's a huge amount of information to unpack here, and we'll be continuing all summer long to do just that, including looking at the legal obligations of each of the genders and what the real-world application of this information is. "For now, though, the main point to take from all of this: The male/female binary is not, in any way, the exclusive system of gender classification in traditional Judaism. "So how did we get to this point, where the assumption has become that only male and female exist? It's a classic example of commonality being equated to superiority. Because male and female are the two most common categories, they were assumed to be "better," rather than "typical." "As we have come to understand the complexities of gender more and more in secular society, these Judaic classifications are beginning to appear more and more often and we can clearly see that our ancestors were quite progressive when it comes to gender."

#i just keep thinking about how two of the most common opinions i see on tumblr from conservative lgbt people #are 'Jewish people are white' and 'only POC cultures have indigenous nonbinary genders'#i like how this seems to include some common intersex experiences along with agender and maybe gender fluid?#this piece is from 2015 so they must have a ton of follow up pieces in there already #actuallyenby #nonbinary #genderqueer #actuallytrans #transgender

108 notes · View notes

autismserenity · 7 years

Link

This was one of my favorite books as a kid. I checked it out of the library about a billion times.

If you’ve never read it, then you probably don’t know about The Story of Baby X!

1974. Thirty-three years ago. This anthology included a story. About a kid being raised without an assigned gender. As a positive thing.

I didn’t know I was genderqueer at the time, or that that was a thing, or... anything. But it had a huge influence on me. It made it very easy to imagine raising a kid by using gender-neutral pronouns, and waiting to hear a gender, and/or pronouns, from the kid themself.

And here it is.

Once upon a time a baby named X was born. It was named X so that no one could tell whether it was a boy or a girl.

Before it was born, scientists created an Official Instruction Manual that would help the families raise baby X.

Many families were interviewed to find the perfect parents for baby X. Families with grandparents named Milton or Agatha, families with aunts who wanted to knit blue shirts and pink dresses, families with other children who wanted a little brother or sister. All of these families didn’t want a baby X, they wanted a baby girl or boy.

Finally, scientists found the Jones family The Jones family wanted to raise a healthy, happy baby, no matter what kind. They wanted, most of all, to raise a baby X.

The Jones promised to take turns holding X, feeding X, and singing X to sleep.

They promised to never hire any babysitters, because babysitters might try to peek at baby X’s secret.

The day the Joneses brought home their baby, everyone asked, ”Is it a boy or a girl?” To which Mr. Jones replied proudly, ”It’s an X!”

No one knew what to say. They couldn’t say, “look at her cute dimples” or “look at his husky biceps!” And just saying “kitchy-coo” didn’t seem right either.

The neighbors were unsure, and the relatives were embarrassed. “People will think there is something wrong with it!”

And the Joneses didn’t understand this. “What could be wrong with a perfectly healthy and happy baby?” they sat and wondered.

Suddenly everything changed for the Joneses: The cousins who sent a tiny helmet did not come and visit anymore. The neighbors who sent pink, flowered dresses pulled their shades when the Joneses passed their house.

The Official Instruction Manual had warned the new parents this would happen, so they didn’t worry too much. Besides, they were having too much fun raising baby X.

Mr. & Mrs. Jones had to be very careful. Because if they kept bouncing baby X up in the air and saying how strong and active X is, they’d be treating baby X more like a boy. But, if they cuddle and kiss baby X and tell it how sweet and dainty X is, they’d be treating baby X more like a girl rather than an X.

So they consulted the Official Instruction Manual, and the scientists prescribed, “Plenty of bouncing and plenty of cuddling. X ought to be strong, sweet, and active. Forget about dainty altogether.” [Continued below the cut]

There were other problems too, like clothes & toys. On his first shopping trip, Mr. Jones said to the store clerk, “I need some things for my baby.” The clerk smiled and asked, “boy or girl?”

Mr. Jones replied, ”It’s an X,” smiling. The clerk got red in the face and said huffily, “In that case, I’m sorry I can’t help you,” and she stalked away.

Poor Mr. Jones!

Mr. Jones was very confused, but continued to walk down the aisle. But everything in the store was marked BOYS or GIRLS: boys’ pajamas, girls’ underwear, boys’ fire engines, girls’ doll set.

That night Mr. & Mrs. Jones consulted The Official Instruction Manual. It said firmly, “buy plenty of everything! But try to keep it gender neutral.”

So they bought all kinds of toys. A boy doll that made pee-pee and cried. A girl doll that talked three languages and said, "I am the President of General Motors."

They bought story books about a brave princess who rescued a handsome prince, and another one about a sister and brother who grew up to be a baseball star and a ballet star and you had to guess which.

The scientists were pleased with the Joneses. They checked in with the Joneses and baby X often, and they were thrilled with the progress baby X was making.

They made sure the Joneses knew to "never make baby X feel embarrassed or ashamed about what it wants to play with. And if X gets dirty climbing rocks, never say, ‘nice little Xes don't get dirty climbing rocks.’ Likewise, if baby X fell down and cries, don't ever say, "Brave little Xes don't cry."

Because after all, little Xes DO get dirty and brave little Xes CAN cry.

Once a little girl grabbed X's shovel In the sandbox and hit X on the head with it. Her mother immediately scolded her, "Now Tracy, you know better than that, little girls mustn't hit little….” The mother turned to X and asked, "dear, are you a little boy or a girl?"

Mr. Jones held his breath and waited hopefully for X's reply. X smiled politely, holding back tears from being hit on the head, and said, "I'm a little X."

"You're a what?!" the lady exclaimed angrily. "You're a little brat is what you are. Either way Tracy, little girls mustn't hit... whatever this child is." And the woman took her child away.

Mr. Jones was upset, but he was pleased that Baby X didn't associate with either gender, nor did X recognize a difference in gender.

The hardest part was yet to come.

Baby X wasn't a baby anymore. It was time for X to start school, and with school came a whole new set of problems.

Schools are full of rules for girls and girls, and they weren't sure where their little X would fit in. Teachers tell students to form a boy line and a girl line. There are games for boys and areas to play for girls. Even the school library has a girl section and a boy section. The bathrooms are marked girl and boy to keep their secrets, but how would they keep X's secret?

The Joneses were summoned to a meeting with the scientists. The scientists were confident that with the school’s cooperation, everything would be fine.

The Joneses followed the Official Instruction Manual. They made sure that X's mother taught X how to throw and catch a ball, and that X's father had taught X what to serve at a doll's tea party. X knew how to play with kitchen sets, shoot marbles, play sports, and color in the lines, but best of all, X knew what to say when asked if it was a boy or a girl. X was, above all else, an extremely happy child.

X's teachers had promised to cooperate. X's class would line up alphabetically, instead of separate lines for boys and girls. The principal gave X permission to use his private bathroom because it wasn't marked by gender, it simply said “bathroom."

No one, however, could help with what might pose the biggest problem at school -- other children.

Nobody in X's class had ever known an X. None of the other children had ever even heard of an X. What would the other children think? What would they say? Would they make Xist jokes? Or would they make friends?

You couldn't tell what X was by its clothing. Overalls don't button right to left, like girls' clothes, or left to right like boys' clothes. And did X have long hair for a boy or short hair for a girl? As for the games X liked to play, either X played ball very well for a girl, or played house very well for a boy.

The children tried to figure it out by asking X tricky questions. Like, "who's your favorite sports star?" and X had two favorite sports stars: A male gymnast and a female boxer.

Then they asked, "What's your favorite TV show?" And X said “Lassie," a show that stars a girl dog played by a boy dog.

When X said its favorite toy was a doll, they all thought X was a girl… until X told them the doll was really a robot, that X had programmed to bake fudge.

After that the children stopped trying to figure out what X was. All they knew they'd like to see that doll (which the boys kept calling an "action figure”).

After school X wanted to play with the other kids. "How about shooting some baskets in the gym," X asked the girls. They just made faces at X and giggled behind X's back. "Boy, is she weird," they said.

"Would you like to make a basket in the arts and crafts room," X asked the boys. But they just made faces and laughed behind X's back. "Boy, is he weird," they said.

Poor X just walked away sadly. "Why don't the other kids want to play with me?" X thought.

That night Mr. & Mrs. Jones asked X how things had gone at school. X tried to smile, but there were tears in X's eyes. "The lessons are ok, but….”

"But? But what, dear?" Mrs. Jones asked anxiously. She hated seeing her child upset.

"The other children hate me," X exclaimed as tears fell.

"They hate you? Surely they can't hate you."

"They do," cried X, "they won't play with me."

The Joneses grabbed their child and told X it would be all right, as they tried to convince themselves the same thing.

The Joneses called the scientist about their troubled child.

Their response was simply, "What did you expect? Other children have to obey silly boy/girl rules, because their parents taught them to, whether they realized it or not. Luckily, X, you don't have rules at all. All you have to do is be yourself. We know this isn't easy, but you are so much more lucky than the other kids."

X liked being itself, but X was still upset and cried a lot that night. The Joneses tucked their child into bed and held X while X cried, and Mr. and Mrs. Jones cried too. Mrs. Jones then read X one of X's favorite stories about an enchanted prince called Sleeping Handsome who woke up only after the Brave Princess kissed him.

The next morning they all felt much better. Little X went back to school with a brave smile and a clean pair of red and white overalls.

That day at school there was a 7 letter spelling bee, a 7 lap boys relay race, and a 7 layer cake baking contest in the girls kitchen corner. X won the spelling bee. X also won the relay race. And X almost won the baking contest, but forgot to put the sprinkles on top. Hey, no one is perfect. Many students however, complained that X just wanted to win at everything. But then something strange happened.

The children began to really look at X. One even said, "X doesn't care about winning. X just thinks its fun playing boys' stuff and girls' stuff." Another child added, "If you think about it, it’s like X gets to have twice as much fun as we are."

After school that day, the girl who beat X in the baking contest gave X the biggest slice of her cake. The boy who X beat in the relay race asked to race X across the playground. After that, things really started to get strange.

Suzie, who sat next to X, refused to wear pink dresses to school anymore. She wanted to wear pants. Pants, she told her mom, were easier for climbing monkey bars.

Then, Jim, the football nut, started carrying his football around and treating it like it was a person, or a doll. Even when he put his entire uniform on, he treated his football like it was a person and sang to it. The kids didn't think anything of it because that's what X did, and X was the star quarterback.

Suzie's parents were horrified by her behavior. Jim's parents were worried sick about his. But the worst was when the twins, Joe and Peggy, started sharing everything. Peggy used Joe's hockey skates, his microscope, and took half of his paper route. Joe used Peggy's needlepoint kit, her cookbooks, and took on half of her baby-sitting jobs. Joe showed Peggy how to use the lawnmower and Peggy showed Joe how to use the vacuum.

Their parents were not pleased. Even if Peggy mowed the lawn better, or Joe loved to vacuum. They were furious. "It's all that kid X's fault."

That's what all the parents started saying. "That kid doesn't know what it is, or how it's supposed to act," Suzie's mom argued.

"X is trying to do the same thing to our kids so it isn't the only one acting like that," cried another parent. Suddenly kids were forbidden to play with X, even at school.

But it was too late, the kids loved their new friend. They refused to go back to the way they were before X came along.

Finally, the parents held a meeting to discuss "The X Problem." They sent a report to the principal saying the X was a "bad influence" and immediate action needed to be taken. They said the Joneses should be forced to tell whether X was a boy or a girl and that X should have to start acting like whichever it was.

If the Joneses refused to tell, the parents felt that X should have to take an Xamination. An Impartial Team of Experts would figure out X's secret and X would have to start obeying the gender rules.

They also felt that if X ended up being some sort of confused misfit, then X must be Xpelled from school so X could stop filling their children's heads with nonsense ideas.

The principal was very upset. Was X really a bad influence? Was X a mixed-up misfit?

He told the parents that X was a wonderful student, caring and compassionate, inclusive, and never negative towards another student. X was student council president, X was respected and looked up to by other students. X had won honorable mention at the art show and was a key player on many of their sports teams. X was the example of what a good student should be at the school.

The parents wouldn't listen. "X is a problem child," they shouted. And the principal had no choice but to notify X's parents, and the Joneses reported this to the scientists.

They said, "we knew this would come sooner or later. This will be the ultimate test to know the effects of X's upbringing, and to see if X is in some way ‘mixed up,’ or if everyone else is."

The scientists were nervous, but the Joneses knew their child was not mixed up at all. They knew they had raised their child to know exactly who it was.

At 9 a.m. the next day X reported to the office. The principal, along with the Parents' Association, and X's teachers, classmates, and parents all waited in the hall.

Inside the office, the Xperts were doing different types of psychological evaluations to try and figure out if X was male or female and if X was in any way "mixed up.”

Question after question after question, X answered them all patiently. After what felt like forever, the door opened. Everyone crowded around to hear the results.

X didn't look any different; in fact, X was smiling. The team of experts, however, looked stumped.

"So, what happened?" someone shouted after a long silence. The lead expert took off his glasses and pinched his noise, in a frustrated motion. "In our opinion," he began to say, "In our opinion, young X here is the least mixed up child we have ever seen."

"I told you, mom," exclaimed Suzie. Her mother was furious, but all around her, X's family, teachers, and classmates were cheering.

The parent committee was angry and confused. How could X have passed the entire examination with no issues?! X doesn't know if it is a girl or a boy. How could it not be mixed up?!

The experts spoke up and said, "X knows exactly who it is. X was brought up to be exactly who X wanted to be, with no restrictions on gender, no boundaries to follow."

"We don't care, we still want it to act like whatever it is," one parent shouted.

"Well then, ma'am, the answer is simple. X is an x!" said a male expert. He then went over to the Joneses and hugged them. "Your child is extraordinary. If I ever have children, I hope you'll let me borrow your instruction manual. You've done a fine job raising your child." And they began packing up.

"But wait!" the parents shouted. "We still need to know what it is."

The experts smiled and said, "Don't worry. You'll all know soon enough. And when the time comes, you won't need us to tell you." With that they walked out the door.

"What?! What do you mean?!" A parent asked in confusion.

"They mean that by the time it matters what sex X is, it won't be a secret anymore,” said the principal, smiling.

The Joneses were thrilled. They had raised a beautiful child who knew exactly who it was and wasn't restricted by any gender rules.

The scientists were relieved their ideas were correct.

The students were glad their friend wasn't "mixed up" in any way, because they liked X just the way X was.

The parents eventually came around and promised not to make any more trouble. They even allowed their children to go to X's birthday party that year.

At X's birthday party, they walked into the backyard and found X playing with a tiny baby that none of them had seen before. The baby was wearing a yellow shirt and tiny overalls.

"How do you like our new baby?" X asked proudly.

“It's got cute dimples," Joe said smiling.

“It's got husky biceps too," Suzie laughed.

"What kind of baby is it?" Peggy asked.

X frowned at them. “Can't you tell?!" X broke into a mischievous grin. "It's a Y!"

#baby x #actuallyenby #actuallytrans #trans history #queer history #story time #fiction #lgbt fiction #lgbtqipa fiction #books #genderqueer

848 notes · View notes

autismserenity · 7 years

Link

It's 2017--well after the "trans tipping point," or whatever--and yet to our knowledge, there hasn't been an anthology of comics written, drawn, and edited entirely by transgender creators.

We want to change that—and that’s why we’re asking for your help.

WE’RE STILL HERE, edited by Tara Avery and Jeanne Thornton, contains fifty-five stories by fifty-five different creators (or creative teams), all of us trans, and all of us telling stories that range from fiction to nonfiction, escapist fantasy to slice-of-life memoir and back again. Here you'll find all the hit trans content you crave: the weird stuff, the stuff that goes to uncomfortable places, the stuff that highlights little-known kinks and contradictions in the trans experience, and most importantly, the stories about trans people having a good, maybe sad time.

Big talk! But what does it mean in practice? Here's a sampling of the stories in We're Still Here:

An evening discussing the terrors of Donald Trump at a Japanese bar for trans men

A trans woman uses MDMA (with complex results)

A trans woman visits her grandmother for Christmas (with complex results)

Visual essay on sex work, trans masculinity, and testosterone

A practical guide to using paganism to navigate workplace terror

Trans women pilot giant robots with impeccable synch ratios

Toxic masculinity haunts a friendship between a butch lesbian and trans man

A devotional essay about angels beyond gender or understanding

Two trans women named Sweetness and Lightning blow up a car, watch Akira, and live happily ever after

If none of these appeal to you, that's okay: we’ve assembled roughly 300 pages of stories from creators both emerging and established, all of them driven by effective narrative, gorgeous art, and sardonic whimsy. We intend this to be the gateway drug to trans comics: a gathering of creators that represents many of the divergent roads that trans comics in the twenty-first century might take.

We would like this anthology to be swiftly made obsolete by many, many others like it! But the first step is to get this one done, and for that, we need your help!

#actuallytrans #actuallyenby #trans visibility #books #queer books #this looks awesome #they've more than made their goal but i want everyone to know about it!!!

29 notes · View notes

autismserenity · 7 years

Text

IT'S A BABY, THAT'S WHAT IT IS, or: we are having a tiny human real soon and we're not telling you what it is then either

"Do you know what you're having yet?" Friends, the way we see it, you don't know what you're having till the kid is old enough to tell you what they are. To my surprise and pleasure, most people I've said this to have chuckled and agreed. And I mean, random people like neighbors and cashiers. Not hand-picked friends and loved ones. (The latter have also been awesome; all of them we've told have been like, "that makes perfect sense," or "I would expect nothing less." Which is why they're our friends.) I do wonder how people will react, though, when we have the baby, and still won't tell them "what it is." I thought this would be a good time to brainstorm what that means to us, and how we're going to handle it. The first and foremost thing is: - There are a ton of good, solid studies that show that when people are told a baby is a boy or a girl, they talk to it differently and even hold it differently. Without even knowing they're doing it. - In a very nutshell: people hold babies they think are boys less closely, and talk to them in ways that are less nurturing, and less responsive. Even when they don't have any intention of doing that. - People tend to treat babies they think are girls with more emotion and nurturing. But also praise them more for being quiet and looking nice, while praising boys more for their actions and strength. - no thanks - Sure, statistically it's probably "safe" to assume the baby will identify with whatever gender we think it is. - although I don't think those statistics are as high as we tend to think they are - The risks in just picking a gender for the kid, and hoping it's right, are comparatively low for that majority of kids where you ARE right. - Basically, there are no negative consequences if you're right, EXCEPT for the negative consequences of people's unconscious baggage around gender roles. - But they're VERY high for the minority of kids where you're wrong. - And we are lucky enough to live at a time when we have access to lots of stories from people who tried to tell their families at a very, very young age that they were a different gender. - So we now know that even when kids do get listened to and get to live as their correct gender at a very early age, they suffer intensely before that. Including when they're too young to put their feelings into words, but are being gendered at every turn. - It seems to us, after much consideration, that there is zero risk in not gendering the kid. In using gender-neutral pronouns, and letting them wear whatever they enjoy. - And letting them know, as they learn to speak, that we can call them by any pronouns they want, and that they can change that for any reason. - Just like any parents, we assume that we'll hit that preschool age where they have a lot of questions, and often have picked up a lot of weird ideas, about boys and girls. - Just like any parents, we'll do our best to answer their questions, probably mess some things up. - And we'll work, ahead of time, to bring lots of different types of people, and lots of different people's stories into their lives. Not just around gender, either, of course, but around race and class and religion and types of families and disabilities and everything else we can think of. - Maybe the kid will tell us early on, emphatically, what they are. Maybe that will still change. Everyone has to explore with their gender means to them over their whole lives, even cis people; what's important to us is that we support all our children in their journeys. - Here are some specific strategies we've thought of. @rivergst, please add anything else you want to! * Using they/them for the baby until/unless it wants something different * Having scripts ahead of time for how we tell strangers about this when they go, "what a cute baby! is it a boy or a girl?" * In my mind, I would say something like, "We don't know yet!" and (a) smile real big and wait, (b) smile real big and leave, (c) go on to explain that "we figure that you don't really know till the baby is old enough to tell you, and we know that people treat boy and girl babies differently without even meaning to, so we want to wait." Depending on how i feel at the time. * I assume that I'll adapt this script over time as I start to see how people react and what questions or opinions they have. * I want to design some onesies and/or baby shirts and/or hats and/or baby-safe decorations that say "they/them". * I figure we will need to put something about this on the baby announcement, and/or have boilerplate we send people. * I might design a business card or postcard that I can hand people with a short version of this post on it. Or a website? * Not gonna lie, if I get too much push back I'm gonna be SO tempted to bust out with the neopronouns. "O rly? Well now the baby's pronouns are glitter/glitterself!! BETCHA WISH YOU HAD GONE WITH THEY/THEM NOW HUH" * This is not a slam on neopronouns, I would love to go by gem/gemself * Feel free to use that for me * If people struggle with they/them or are somehow opposed to this whole thing, they are welcome to just use the baby's name all the time * Diaper-changing and alone-with-baby privileges will be restricted to people who have earned them by successfully using gender neutral pronouns for the baby * Honestly I don't even care if you use "it" for the baby, but there is definitely a point where that becomes disrespectful and I don't really know what that age is. River may also disagree on this idk - I've done this successfully before; when I was co-parenting Connor, we talked at like age 3 about how "pronouns are what we call people, like she, he, they, and others, is there one you would like us to use for you?" - in that case, we had gone with "assigned at birth" pronouns before that. Connor picked something else and I ended up having to just never use pronouns around the birth mom, who was a dick about it. I got really good at it. - We have an advantage, in that we've both already done a lot of learning around gender stuff, and have lots of people of unusual genders in our lives. And have hand me downs for lots of different genders. And know of good stories about this stuff that are age appropriate, like the story of baby X, and what's the amazing Jay one Rebekah just gave us? I'll put some in the comments. - But I'm learning, too, that my default online might be to call people they/them unless I know what they want, but irl my mental default is actually to assume people are she/her. Thanks, Mills 😂 and I do get autistically stuck on matching pronouns with people's names or presentations even when I know better. - my strategies to counteract this with the baby are simple: give it a gender neutral name, and think of "physical sex" as simply being "does the baby have an innie or an outie?" - bonus strategy if somebody is too pushy about knowing "what the baby is": react as though we already live in a world where all of the above is the default, and say, "why do you want to know about my baby's genitals?!" - that handy and versatile line can be delivered with outrage, horror, or humor, depending on how much I like the person.

#actuallyenby #actuallytransautie #enby #genderqueer #trans #wall of words #it's due June 3rd

158 notes · View notes