#a part of me wants to blame something

[penrose-quinn]

I hope my three day trip with my friends will finally put my mind at peace. I just feel so lonely...

#pen rambles #not the kind of lonely i'm missing out on ppl #more like the kind of lonely i enjoy this one thing by myself #it's probably my fault for keeping my hopes up for a bit #and yes i'm being v dramatic for still getting hung up on it #i don't really have another place to vent on this (and i really hope this is the last from here) #a part of me wants to blame something #i think it's lame and tiring going back to 'gl chp 11 must be that bad' and dragging myself down bc of the lack of reception #but i wouldn't feel this way if i didn't care a lot abt it #i still love that chapter #i still love gl a lot #it got me through rough times. i almost lost my job bc of my health issues #and i couldn't stop writing for it even when commuting got so bad or i couldn't sleep or eat properly for days #so if you love it so much why can't you just suck it up and be content with that? #i'm trying really haha #it just gets lonely loving it sometimes #esp when you decide to share it #i always feel like i'm talking to myself (which isn't very far off tbh) #i'm still going to write but i just hope this feeling wears off soon #okay! i'm done whining and i'll be disappearing again

[cynningly]

oh to have your story be told hundreds of times yet still be unable to change it

The Guardian, The Firebrand, The Damsel, The Voyeur; damned to repeat this cycle of torture until they all fall prey to it-

-only to begin it again

“THE GREAT FLOOD SHALL WASH AWAY ALL THE ASH, READYING THE WORLD FOR ANOTHER GREATER, CYCLE”

-HABIT

#sorry this song fit them SO WELL I HAD TO #something about the idea of iterations in emh is just so upsetting to me #like they have no idea that they’re all doomed to play out the parts handed to them until it’s too late #and ESPECIALLY cause emh ends ambiguously so we don’t know if they break the cycle or not #it’s implied they don’t but believe what you want #and they will never know that their fates were unavoidable; they’ll always blame themselves #GOD it’s heartwrenching #good job emh crew i still cry about this #slenderverse #everymanhybrid #habit emh #emh #habit everymanhybrid #slenderverse edit #vinnie everymanhybrid #vinnie emh #vinnie everyman #evan myers #evan emh #evan everymanhybrid #jeff koval #jeff emh #jeff everymanhybrid #steph emh #steph everymanhybrid #slenderman #edit #video editing

[uncanny-tranny]

On the "darker" side of being comforted by one's immortality (not in the physical, but metaphorical), I've always been comforted by bone needles.

The idea that even after death, you've still been remembered by how you are used. No, bone needles probably weren't used with human bones, but it's a reminder that you aren't just going to... disappear. I'm comforted in the knowledge that I don't end in a "me" but in a "we," in nature. Everything about me is reused material so much more ancient than I am, and knowing that, I feel so much closer to the world.

#positivity #death positive #death tw #i know i mentioned the last part in a different post but i will never ever forget that nor will i talk about it only once #and the fact that we've found fifty THOUSAND year-old bone needles comforts me too #if you want immortality then there - that's your immortality staring you in the face! #we like to concieve of immortality as something you hold direct witness to but that's only a fantasy... #...in reality you will be immortalized - or likely will be - but it's in such a way you won't be able to witness it firsthand #i have always grappled with the knowledge i could be remembered and recognized and noticed in ANY way #i don't want that and knowing that i am simply borrowing what makes me 'me' does comfort me #it takes the burden off of being Me if that makes sense #this isn't about self-hatred but a burning desire to perfect the craft of being an actual person #i was so absorbed in being Me that i forget that i am part of this universe #human-centeredness will convince you that humans are almost... separate from the universe... #...that humans are unique from the concept of Nature and the World... #...blame it on capitalism or blame it on hubris or blame it on lack of insight... but when you discover how directly connected... #...to the universe you are i think you can learn to sit and appreciate... all of it #from the beetle crawling over your shoe to the wasp gazing into your car mirror... you'll appreciate it #i wonder if anybody else Gets what i'm ranting about here. i always feel weird talking about the things that bring me comfort

[a-chaotic-dumbass]

fascinated by how the asoiaf fandom refuses to have any nuance in the books that r entirely based on different perspectives

#asoiaf #fascinating. #this is 100% abt the lyanna elia rhsegar thing bc jesus fucking christ #yes rhaegar cheated on elia and so did cersei and robert and tyrion on sansa too #its almost like rhaegar had a prophesy fuck him in the head since childhood👀 almost like he and elia were an arranged marriage👀 almost #like he didnt love her👀 #like bffr what happened to elia was horrible but its nothing new why r ppl so surprised there was little love in a marriage neither wanted #like have you READ the books nearly every character didnt want their spouse but politics #elia didnt deserve that and neither did her children but dont blame rhaegar for something lannister soldiers did #a song of ice and fire #valyrianscrolls #and god the kingsguard part annoys me sm. yes he took kingsguard with him when he went off to fight #bc kingsguard are a fucking asset to the millitary #anyhow. same is applied to arya and sansa #yes sansa was mean to arya but also: shes 11. a child promised that shell be queen if she acts good and if joff and cersei like her #because of arya sansa's direwolf lady was killed when lady did nothing wrong #and it wasnt arya's fault either bc arya was defending her friend and herself too #but obv sansa was upset and crying. shes 11. ofc she'd say that she wanted arya to die instead of lady she was a CHILD #letd be clear if arya died sansa 100% would've been as or even more upset than when lady or even ned died #sansa and her friends teased arya for having a horse's face. ok. kids r mean? wow

[presiding]

What is your favourite thing about Billie Lurk?

(Answers are obvious possibly but i love when people talk about her👍)

thanks for the ask!! YEAH ME TOO I love when people talk about Billie! I can't say I have a favourite thing specifically, but I can explain why she's my fav. apologies for not taking this qn literally, but -

short answer: she’s really cool

& you can stop reading there, or, for the maybe 2 mutuals who might have time to read this my thoughts on her as a character, her meta, and her character as raw potential...

long answer:

i considered making this entire thing a gush so you could read a gush about Billie. but, part of what draws me to her is that she’s not always well written, and in fandom she’s underrated for a literal protagonist.

since you ask...

billie is a cool character

when I played Dh2 (hadn't played Dh1), I was excited to see a black woman with disabilities who was captaining a massive ship by herself. wow.

then I discovered Billie’s backstory with Deirdre, the way she responded to that, then having to survive while living on the run, and her bisexuality. as well as her history with daud & delilah. fascinating!

she’s an outsider who has so much to lose, and knows what it's like to lose everything - having lost everything not once but three times - but nevertheless speaks truth to power. she's so brave! she went and helped Emily & Corvo and she must have known they might kill her! plus, she’s smart, she’s funny, she gets shit done, she’s gorgeous.

but... the meta

mild critique of fandom & arkane incoming.

skip this bit if you want - you've been warned twice now - jump to tired Hayao Miyazaki and read from there if you'd like my thoughts on writing her.

i thought Death of the Outsider was going to be amazing and then... well. *sad trombone* i've written about that before so i won't keep banging on. i figured others must be disappointed too, so I joined a few fandom spaces in hopes of finding camaraderie.

most people with complaints about DotO didn’t like how the Outsider and Daud were handled. which is valid & I agree. but it seemed like most paid no attention to Billie; when people talk about her it’s with respect to Daud, as opposed to in her own right. you could argue for fandom misogyny because people don’t talk about adult Emily Kaldwin that much either, but in Billie's case, it’s misogynoir (compare & contrast with the popularity of thomas, particularly the popularity of thomas portrayed as a white man for no particular reason that i've been able to discern - i keep asking around, is it in the books???).

i think this is a LOT better now than it used to be, which is fantastic. or perhaps i have found the correct echo-chamber? ha.

ultimately, The Fandom is a fraction of the entire picture, and not even the important bit since The Fandom is not who these games are made for. you can't make money relying on only your hardcore fans even if all of them spent a fortune on merch, this is true for any AAA game.

while it's true that Billie is underrated from a fandom perspective - but Billie as an underwritten protagonist is squarely Arkane’s fault.

it was reasonable when she was a side character - the lack of info in Dh2 makes perfect sense (if anything there was more lore in Dh2 which is kind of wild)-

- but as a protagonist in Death of the Outsider?

.... there’s lousy writing, and there’s whatever is going on with Billie Lurk, a black woman who mostly exists as a foil or saviour for light-skinned characters. In her own game there’s barely any of her own lore except where it's relevant to saving two dudes.

lore hints at, but barely touches on what race means in the Dh universe (xenophobia is stronger in Dh1; separate essay i guess), but Arkane has patted themselves on the back for portraying non-white characters, which feels like the same thing as the aesthetic of diversity we're seeing in advertising currently because it’s in marketing trend guides. it's self-congratulatory and it's a missed opportunity for deeper storytelling.

you can see an example of diversity at its most shallow in the way that Billie’s written: there’s little engagement with her as an entire person with history & wants & preferences, and the world she walks through in that game feels like it has nothing to do with her. you could make a case for alienation as a theme, but then, how do you handle the titular premise of 'Dishonored' without ever letting Billie make changes in an environment without a chaos system? it's disappointing from that angle too.

in my opinion, whatever it's worth, it was an accident Arkane created such an awesome character - they needed someone to betray daud. congrats billie.

all this said, it makes her an underdog as far as characters to enjoy & create art & stories for. it's nice to find so many like-minded, switched on people! <3

billie's character potential

she’s got a wealth of unexplored lore, being deeply intertwined with both Karnaca & Dunwall’s fates & criminal underbellies, as well as her connections to the witches & whalers, and three Empresses.

she’s lived a few distinct lifetimes and in the games we get to meet her at two peaks (KoD & DotO) & a low (Dh2 as Meagan).

her voice is very distinct, her dry & often dark humour is entertaining & fun to write. her perspective is really interesting - she’s had the widest variety of void-powers of anyone canonically, and she’s also lived through the highest highs and lowest lows.

she's got everything going for her :) i couldn't really pick a fav thing!

#i assume my followers are cool enough to let me give a brief measured critique on fandom trends and DotO #thanks for the anon question!! what fun! #i love billie lurk <333 #jumped on the opportunity to rant n rave #what part of billie isn't my fav! (im a guy who likes the bad stuff too. mmm interesting meta) #trying to be not unfair or mean- i'm not targeting anyone but rather trends. and it's ok to be disappointed with something you love #fuck it. make it part of the appeal! her writing sucks! plenty of room for me & other creators! #its easier for me to indulge my billie brainworms when it sorta feels like she's not getting as much love as she deserves #you know? i want stories where her history is explored and her agency is important so i guess i'll roll up my sleeves #tumblr is a terrible place for this sort of critique IMO- lots of nuanceless empathy-free guilt-trip-ish rhetoric #so i hope i avoided that. but not so much that i seem forgiving. #that said i'm not tagging this one with fandom tags! no thank you. #i am blaming arkane yes. but that is also not without games industry context #i could complain about amateurish writing but that also never happens in a vacuum. industry problem(s) for sure. #people love to blame writers for things #and yeah a couple really fucking good writers can push a boulder uphill #but its usually a company problem #hire lots of diverse people in your company. give them authority and respect and reasonable workloads. and no crunch. #ah fuck this is a separate essay in tags. again #THIS WAS A SIMPLE QUESTION #*clutches head in hands* #uh if you're still reading at this point im SO sorry and thank you and i love you

[marshmallowgoop]

Hey, Hattori. Have you ever... killed someone?

#detective conan #case closed #conan edogawa #heiji hattori #narumi asai #my amvs #amv #eye strain #suicide mention #song is 'start the machine' by helen trevillion (linked above) #so i started this on a whim but got stuck so started the 🏍 edit on another whim #(but less of a whim than this one lol that one actually had a planning document prior to adding transitions ^^;) #once i finished the motorcycle edit i decided to come back and finish this one but... #not to be personal on main but i made this because i was feeling awful about myself and so much of the process made me feel even worse #i'm still not sure how to feel about this edit but i did work hard and hope others can get something out of it 🙏 #it's just one of the most heartbreaking parts of the series to me--that shinichi wants to save *everyone* but here he fails #and more than that he blames himself for it; he feels that it's his deduction that led narumi to start that fire #and while i didn't use the funi eng dub here (i would have liked to but they changed the line to 'i can't imagine ever killing myself') #one thing that gets to me about the funi script is this additional line where conan admits to heiji that he was too small to stop narumi #because i think that's another element of his guilt--he wasn't big enough or strong enough to save her #and while he's not talking about akemi here i think he feels the same about her #that if he had never followed gin and vodka that night at tropical land he could have saved both her and narumi #(it didn't work but i tried to add akemi to the video... something gets me so much about how she and narumi call conan 'little detective') #ramblings aside sources are episodes 11 78 and 1001 plus tv special 6 (episode one: the great detective turned small) #and do support helen trevillion! loved her music when i was younger and it was a happy surprise to find her making new stuff now #would love to do a heishin fancam with that 'with you' track but told myself i should get current with the series first ^^; #still at like ep 540 because i've been making fancams of the show instead of watching the show ^^;

[archduke-enver-gortash]

posting on here is like my sisyphean boulder i'm constantly rolling tbh

#god i am trying so hard to just have fun and be myself #but when i do that i'm immediately a strange outsider creep #and since i can't really mask my version of masking is just not talking and then obviously you don’t find any joy in fandom spaces either #i will always be a shitty unlikable freak no matter how much i pretend otherwise. it was obvious from the start that getting involved in #fandom spaces was a fucking mistake. it's always a mistake because you're some laughing stock at best and a horrifying freak at worst #i don't blame people for not liking me i've realised what an awful person i am long ago #but it's always so hard witnessing something like fun social groups from the sidelines knowing you'll never be a part of it #this is why my mental state has been deteriorating so severely in the last few months. that Realisation once again nothing fucking changed #i know it's stupid to get so upset over fandom but it's only a pattern for me #i stopped trying to be friends with people when i was a teenager because it hasn't worked a single time #this attempt at integrating myself into the wotr and bg3 fandom by sharing my shit was just one mistake #gortash/zeke is so different from anybody else’s work and i wish i could find joy in something that it isn’t fucking deranged but i can’t #like yes it’s just fandom bullshit! gortash/zeke is a fucking oc x canon ship! why am i getting so upset over it! #i love writing them. i’ve never been this happy writing anything. and it’s entirely indicative of a common pattern in my life #when i earnestly share parts of myself/things i’m passionate about people get creeped out. and honestly? rightfully so #i would leave the discord servers i’m in because it’s fucking crushing me dude. this is so petty but i’m so jealous of what you people have #but in one i am server owner and i don’t want to just dump that responsibility onto someone else and then dip #and in the other two i’m not sure anyone would even notice that i’m gone but i still worry about being rude #though i’m not entirely sure i didn’t get invited to one of those just so people could laugh at me. idk probably just being paranoid but i #it’s been gnawing at me #ok no if i’m being this vulnerable on tunglr.com i can also say that part of me staying is also still having the hope that i could fit in #one day. logically i know it won’t happen but it’s nice to have hope sometimes #watching you all from through the window having fun like a creep #so yeah. i’ve always felt like this but it’s been rapidly getting worse with my failed attempt at the bg3 fandom #idk just been crying non-stop for the last few hours. went through an entire pack of tissues in an hour it’s very disgusting #they’re all lying around me as i’m typing this like a pillowfort of snot lmao #so yeah. idk. if someone could come over and lobotomise me that’d be nice. orin where are you when we need you most #i never had any friends irl so i foolishly gave this a shot. i’m sorry #also doesn’t help that i can see someone dropping me for people that are easier to be around in irl rn #it just hurts because it’s always like that. someone you are around when you have no other option at best. not even that sometimes

[jvzebel-x]

🦋

#so the hospital group that diagnosed my stroke as an anxiety attack&let me sit in their er for roughly five hours is in the news #bc body cam footage came out showing them having called the police on a patient who was 'refusing to leave' #despite the fact that he 'had no medical reason for being there'. #he had ODd&they had given in narcan. he was also homeless. so all the actual rules about watching a patient post resus #went out the window in favor of calling police&being incredibly cruel about it. #the man died at the police station. where they took him bc they looked him up&he had bench warrants. #they couldn't process him bc he was totally unresponsive. they tried tho. best believe they tried. #&when they had to explain why they were didnt try to get him medical help they released the body cam footage. #prob the only time they didnt throw tantrums over it too seeing as it successfully shifted the blame. #the hospital has had to apologize publically for the 'failure' on their part. #i cant even put my feelings into words. #ive said it once ill say it every fucking time learning medicine was not&is not hard. its not worthy of special note. #its something you do bc you care. &if thats not the case i hope you die of the medical neglect you would force onto those #who come to you for fucking help. #pathetic. absolutely fucking pathetic. #i might not ever be able to work in traditional medicine but w stories like these why the fuck would i ever want to? #why would i ever want to be associated w willful fucking murderers? bc thats what medical neglect from a medical pro at their work is. #fucking murder.

[rosicheeks]

Unfortunately relatable. I grew up in the church and have a lot of Christian trauma from that. I show up for special occasions for my parents… sometimes. But it’s uncomfortable from the moment I step through the door. Bigoted pastor, the self-righteousness disguising the prejudice, the political comments from the altar. Shots at young people left right and center as if the hell on earth wasn’t caused by the same older generation 90% of the congregation belongs to..

I miss being young in the choir and the youth groups and not struggling with it. It’s wild to look back at the younger version of me who was unshakeable in his faith and honestly just saddening.

I was texting my sister today about it and she said

“I 100% think ALL of us have a ton of religious trauma and everyone else in the family just doesn’t realize it cause they’re still drinking the kool-aid.”

I ran out of tag room and didn’t want to delete any 😭 seriously not lying I could write a book about all my thoughts and experiences

#I relate to all of this so much #and it’s so sad how many people truly have religious trauma #I still find myself lucky and privileged cause I know there are stories MUCH worse than mine #it’s really hard cause my parents still think I’m a Christian #honestly at this point I have no clue what i am #even if I end up still being a Christian that doesn’t help or heal all of the years of church trauma #but the hard part is still acting the part for my parents #growing up I always tried to fit into the good Christian girl mold #cause I know that’s what my parents wanted and I didn’t want to disappoint them #but once I started smoking weed and they found out? it went all downhill from there #their perfect angel fell from heaven #and I feel like ever since I haven’t been really their daughter…. I’ve just been living on the outside looking in to everything #it hurts looking back at all the years I spent brainwashed into believing that was the ONLY faith #it genuinely makes me sick to my stomach thinking about the fact that I went to a pro life rally #the thing I was talking to my sister about was how mental health was never talked about in the church #when I started dealing with it and went to my parents or the pastors or any adult really and told them what I was dealing with #wanna know what the first thing they would ALWAYS say? well have you prayed about it? the way they treated mental illness was that it was #YOUR fault cause God is punishing you for something…. that you need to pray or go to church so then God will eventually take it away #and the thing is I don’t necessarily blame my parents (which kinda sucks cause I want to blame someone) #but honestly it’s just the environment they grew up in too… like I’m 99% sure my dad has dealt with depression his entire life #but won’t get diagnosed or anything cause they always believe faith has something to do with it #which makes me incredibly sad cause I just think about how much my dad has suffered and how he didn’t need to #^^ I was typing this out when I was late to my family gathering hahaha but then I think my sister called or something so I had to stop #sorry this post is all over the place - I swear I could write a book about religious trauma #yesterday went ok surprisingly but today? TODAY is going to be so much worse #sure I’ll make a post about it later but I guessssss I should go to bed now? it’s 2am and I have to get up at 5:45 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃 #and I have a fuuuuull day of fun Christian festivities while I’m dealing with all of this bottled up and unresolved crap from my past #please don’t get me wrong I love my parents and like I said I don’t blame them - they did their best #it just really sucks wondering what my life would have been like if I didn’t grow up in the church or in a super religious family #I wonder if when I told my parents I was depressed if they would have instantly brought me in to get help

[ironhusband]

Thinking about Erik snapping at Charles with “well maybe you should have fought harder for them” and the pain in his eyes when Charles told him they didn’t want the same things.

#cherik #going insane Erik sitting in that awful cell thinking that Charles will never rescue him but he’ll still know Erik didn’t do this #and him learning Charles thinks he’s a murderer a monster - the one person who had never thought that of him besides his parents - and that #Charles thinks he did do it and he hates everything so much because if Charles gave up hope on him if even Charles is unwilling to fight for #him anymore maybe he truly is a monster and killing raven for the future is just a who he is #thinking of how much it would break Erik of Charles called him a monster to his face #‘you abandoned us all’ but what he means is you abandoned me! you sent me away and you let me rot in prison and you gave up on me #anyways!!! the way Erik wanted Charles to fight for one thing and that was him and he didn’t!! he just gave up and sent him away #listen ok I know Erik left him bleeding on a beach with no way of getting out of there but man I will always be side Erik in the divorce #look at the day the man had!!! he’s paralyzed by fear when confronting his abuser and then Charles tells him to not kill him even tho Erik- #needed it to feel safe like watch the scene watch it!!! and then he’s facing genocide again and this time he can lift the coin and save his #people. then Charles gets shot and he blames ERIK and then he breaks up with Erik like ok I know he’s wounded and all but the fact the #fandom is like ‘oh Charles didn’t mean for them to go he was shot and mad Erik should know better’ #but we’re not like ‘oh Erik faced his childhood abuser and then relived something very similar to his trauma #got blamed for his lover’s injury (and like he doesn’t blame himself for him mom too) and then broken up with. he went through so much #lasting emotional trauma in the span of less than one hour how can he know better’ #and there’s like a good explanation for why Charles would still blame him like Erik was wearing the helmet he couldn’t have picked up on all #that depth without one of the senses he relies on. but the fandom being like Erik is the bad person in this instance #it seems unfair. also it screams I’m a gentile honestly. #also you can’t tell me part of Erik wasn’t like ‘maybe he’d be better off without me’ when he left the beach #x men #Charles Xavier #erik lehnsherr #ramble rumble #now just don’t think of ‘let him come’ being Erik hoping Charles will finally fight for him and say they should have been together #and instead Charles throws more unfair (well about raven) blame in his face

[protectoroffaeries]

~

#just tag thoughts & will probably delete #also tw suicide #i am a little frustrated with the modern popular approach to suicide #particularly the idea that the responsibility for a suicide is completely individual #when it is pretty much always also systemic and collective by ways of #i dont think its usually fruitful to blame one other individual (ie h/bomb is not at any fault for anything that happens to somer/ton) #but the idea that we would all be Absolved just cause he did something wrong & it was rightly pointed out rubs me the wrong way #mostly because we have very little sense of or recourse for restorative measures over puniative justice #folks can say he was a shit they didnt want to die all they want but that kind of mental framing alone is part of the problem imo #& outside of this specific example #it would behoove us collectively to consider what we do to those who have inarguably committed some kind of wrong or harm against others #again im not like saying people shouldnt be criticized or anything. but what i am saying is that the court of public opinion can & does #swing an executioner's axe

[conanssummerchild]

my parents will do absolutely everything for my sister, cater to her every need, and then chastise her for not being able to do things on her own, and they'll ignore my every concern and then chastise me for not asking for help

#ive been asking for help for eight years dickheads #i give up #i know they'll never do anything for me unless it aligns with their own motives #tw sh > #and yeah whatever maybe this is about my dad telling me to my face that the only reason im in therapy now id because i used to cut myself #when i clearly stated i wanted to go for an autism diagnosis #he thinks theres something wrong with me and fuck it hes probably right #because ive never had better odds than i do right now #and im still relapsing #and im too afraid to tell anyone bcs i dont wanna be like the girls i used to know who'd pretend to kill themselves every other week for fun #and the screwed up part is im more afraid of my parents finding out than the fact that im actually relapsing #bcs i was in a terrible place and i wanted to kill myself every day two years ago #but my parents finding out i cut myself was worse than anything i ever went through before #the blame the guilt tripping the endless doctor and therapy appointments #the punishment for daring to be hurt the gaslighting #its been two years and im still not allowed to close my door #if they found out im relapsing i wouldnt be allowed to leave the house until i was 20 #alex says shit #vent

[coloursofaparadox]

hnnnnnnnnnnnmmnn its overshare on the internet o clock

#my shitty ex has sent me a text asking to meet up and talk #and in a predictable move the text itself doesnt actually apologize or acknowledge that she did anything fucked up #it instead says 'we both did some pretty messed up stuff' which. uh. yeah. cool. thanks. #thats like prefacing an apology with 'first of all i still blame you but i guess i couuuldve had something to do with it' #and like. sheesh. my first instinct is to politely say absolutely not jesus christ how do you have the gall to ask me that #i could go my entire life without interacting with you ever again and i would be nothing but better off for it #but. i have not sent that yet. and it has been a while. because i really miss the friend group she....not stole exactly but #because i do not want to be in the same space as her i just. dont get to be around them much any more. #and fuck. i miss my dog so so much. i love lucas too but sarah was the first dog i raised from a baby #and she was just one of those animals that are just. like you love them all but some are different in a way where they're a part of you. #and sarah was mine and she took her from me and ive just barely gotten over it #i dont know if being able to see her again would make it worse or better. #but instinct is telling me to tell her that no theres no chance of us being friends. i need to protect myself and value my own wellbeing. #and that its not that i hate her because i dont but i do intensely dislike the ugly person i realized shes become #and i refuse to continue to let myself be hurt by that without speaking up. #but i still!!! havent!!! said no!!!!! #if i could manage it. and get through a talk with her. and be very clear that im here to attempty just...neutrality and a lack of hostility #and that friendship is not on the table. prep myself on my boundaries and rules for what i will not put up with #and accept that if she does something shitty in response to me keeping myself safe then i have to be prepared to call it off immediately #then. i would see my friends again a lot more often than just one on one every couple months because every group thing involves her #fuck. i dont know. i really really dont want to talk to her ever again but god fucking dammit. #im prepared to move on and rebuild my life and invest in other relationships. i am. ive done it before and slowly built from the ground up. #i can do it again. but it fucking sucks when its most of my irl friends all at once. #idk. idk. i miss my dog so much it hurts but it would be much worse to see her now after how my ex treats her when im not there to stop it #its just something i cant let myself think about or ill just spiral and i cant do that. theres nothing i can do about it. i cant stop it. #fuck.

[nyxbastet]

I wish I wasn't such a coward when it comes to horror games. I love horror stories in general, and I'm fine with books and movies (and mildly traumatized by manga, but you know... worth it.).

But I struggle with horror in the form of video games, which is really unfortunate cause there are some really intriguing games I'd probably enjoy otherwise. Exploring and solving mysteries and sneaking around are some of my favorite things in games.

#I blame The Stupendium song for making me really curious about Bendy and the Ink Machine #the story and setting seem super interesting and unique and I want to know more about all of it #but play the game? hrrmm yeah probably not #it gives me this twisted nightmare-kinda feeling which is really intriguing but I am also very much a pussy :< #maybe the interactive nature of games makes horror feel too real or personal or something #or maybe it's that you can't just close your eyes a bit or skim past the worst parts; you have to interact with it to be able to proceed

[theradicalace]

sometimes i remember that it'll never be the same and it hurts like it just happened all over again

#ace rambles #negative// #intentionally leaving the body of the post vague in hopes the words resonate with someone but this is in fact about my father #because what isn't about my father these days #but it's okay #or maybe it isn't okay #it isn't okay but it's okay y'know? #i feel like that's starting to become a catchphrase of mine #god i feel so bad for still feeling bad though #i know i know i know there's no set timeline for this kind of thing #and that i've been through a lot and i should be kinder to myself and i'm not being fair to myself #i know #intellectually and logically i understand these things #but the wounded part of myself wants for something to blame and the easiest answer has always been me #i think the illness i'm still getting over is not helping the situation either #i just want things to go back to the way they were #it wasn't good but it was simple and it made sense and it was familiar #i am scared and stressed and desperately lonely and no matter how much i try to pretend that this can be home it isn't home #and i want to go home #and i can't #i can't go back #SORRY this is. a lot #i think i was due a breakdown though #i need a hug i think but i don't want any more from the people physically present in my life #i'd like a hug from one of you guys but you all have the audacity to be on the other side of a screen /lh

[monstermoviedean]

i don't miss the early pandemic but i do miss the brief period when it seemed like people cared about helping each other

#the halloween nostalgia had me good and i read a few terrible articles today and I wore the perfume i bought in march 2020 #so yeah #it all just hit me again #damn. everything was so scary and isolating and unknown but it felt like there was genuine will to take that fear and create healing from it #to really fix the preexisting problems that the pandemic forced people to look at head-on #but the second people got a chance they went right back to pretending those didn't exist. or explaining them away. #or blaming others for them. #there was a little hope then. and a real sense of being in the shit but being in it together. and i miss that. #trying to do my part to foster hope and community but damn it's hard. #like...we really thought people would take this opportunity to rethink and rebuild public education #in a way that would be better for students and staff. and. well. #it took about two months before people starting saying they couldn't wait for it to 'get back to normal' #even though that 'normal' is profoundly inequitable and flawed at every level #but it didn't matter. it didn't matter to so many people because they wanted to get back to something that worked for them. #ugh. fuck. i'm going to bed. #sorry to end halloween on a bummer but hoping to leave this thought in october and start november better