#You can't bring me down now

[loudwhisperschild1004]

#YungD #Terry G are you ready #Won fe pami won fe pami #But Oluwa wa Oluwa wa #Won fe pa ino hun won fe pa ino #Ino wa #You can't bring me down now #No matter how you try o #You can't make me frown o #I can never go down o #Malonogedede malonogedede malonogedede #Oh weh oh weh #Malonogedede gedede gedege gedege gedege #Kilogedede kilogedede kilogedede #Oh weh chai #See every time I keep struggling #They want make I die o #They wan control my life o #Meanwhile no be dem give me life o #They want me to frown o #Everyday I dey go up up #My brother I no go stop o #God give me power #To conquer my enemies #And I get authority #Over principality #Oh Lord come down #And manifest your power #I say malonogedede malonogedede malonogedede #Oh weh

[nichiperi]

happy birthday to meeee~ ヘ⁠(⁠￣⁠ω⁠￣⁠ヘ⁠)

#i have a lot of schmoopy feelings about this year #it started off as one the worst times of my life #but then somehow it morphed into the absolute best #i have a lot of appreciation and joy that i feel for a lot of people now that i feel like i can't adequately express #but i guess the point is i'm actually excited for the future for the first time in years #and i feel like i wouldn't have stumbled down this path if it hadn't been for the encouragement i got from people when i really needed it #i've been really inspired to work at improving my art and to be more open about it #i tried a lot of new things #not just artistically but in general #i'm happy i'm here! and i intend to keep being here and to keep making things that bring me joy. #weird weird things. i intend to get weirder and weirder hehehe. hope y'all are prepared! >:D #so to anyone who said anything nice about my art and writing since i've been here #i know it sounds schmaltzy but the stuff you said meant more than you know. thank you for letting me know you saw me.

[cerise-on-top]

Cried on the train today, then thought of this! This is just me coping to the highest degree again, but I thought other people might like this as well!

Nikolai as a Father

First off, he’d likely be absent rather often. He was a soldier, he runs a PMC, he’s a busy man through and through. That’s why he won’t be able to see you as often as he’d like. He’d have loved to see all your accomplishments, meeting your first partner and intimidating them, your graduation, the first time you performed on stage, but it wasn’t possible due to work. He does feel bad about it, but he can’t help it. He will try to make it up to you somehow, though he’d understand if you couldn’t forgive him. He does try to be there for you whenever he can, visiting you whenever possible, but you will be apart from each other more often than not. However, if you ever have any suggestions regarding what you’d like to do together, he’s all ears. He has enough money to grant you any wish like that. You wanna go to Japan? You want a boat trip? You wanna go karaoke? It’s all possible, as long as he gets to experience those things with you. He really does wanna make up for the lost time.

He’s a pretty relaxed kind of father. The kind that would allow you a sip of beer when you were young. He’d have no problems with you drinking, as long as it doesn’t get out of hand. You should be responsible about that sort of thing. But if you ever wanted to invite a friend over to drink a bit, then he’d have no problem with getting the booze for you. Nothing too strong while you’re still young, of course, but he gets it. You’re young, you want to be stupid and do foolish things. He was like that too when he was younger, so he won’t stop you. In fact, he’ll even drive to the nearest fast food restaurant and get you and your friend something to eat. Sometimes he might cook himself, though. Nikolai’s food is downright godly, he can cook just about anything and cook it well too. As long as you don’t invite a friend over to get blackout drunk every weekend, all is good.

I think he’d probably lie to you about his job when you’re younger. You don’t need to know that he kills people for a living. You can know that he does paperwork, though. So he’d likely tell you he works an office job that has him traveling a lot. Speaking of traveling, he’ll always bring you a souvenir. That could range from a small snow globe to a nice T-shirt he found that you might like. He may be busy, but he does think about you very often. This continues into adulthood as well. If he can’t see you and give it to you in person then he’ll just mail it to you. Won’t ever allow you to work in the same field he does, though. You’re too sweet to work as a mercenary. You can become anything you want to be, but he’ll do what he can to not have you work in the military or in a PMC. He wants you to live and live well. There are no exceptions to this. He knows you might not listen to him, but he’ll tell you over and over again that those kinds of jobs are not what you might think they are. He doesn’t tell you what to do very often, but you should listen to him when he does. He’s an older man, who actually knows what he’s talking about. Besides, he only means well when it comes to you.

A very accepting father, in all honesty. You’re gay? You’re trans? He’s very supportive of you. Besides, it doesn’t matter who you bring home, he’s gonna try to intimidate them either way. Only the best of the best for you. If you ever find yourself some sleazebag, who won’t spoil you rotten like you deserve, then he’ll make sure that person will learn their lesson. He can be a very scary man when he wants to be. If you’re transmasc, then he’d delight in going clothes shopping with you and finding something that you look good in and that fits. He might even buy you a bomber jacket like he has so you can match. He’ll get you the fanciest suits too. Whatever you need, he’ll give it to you. If you’re transfem then he might not be the best suited candidate to go shopping with you. He can tell you what you look good in, but he might call someone like Laswell to help you find nice clothes that suit you well. However, he won’t save any money on anything. You know what you want? You can gladly have it. Nikolai will even pay for your surgeries as well. As long as you’re happy, he’s happy. No price is too high when it comes to your happiness. In fact, he probably has the means to get you a prescription for hormones as well. It might not be entirely legal, but it’s better than nothing if you have shitty doctors.

Likewise, if you come out to him as aromantic or asexual, he won’t mind. Sure, you might have to explain what that means, but once he understands he won’t make you feel bad for that sort of thing. Gives you a side hug and tells you that he’s glad he doesn’t have to worry about your heart being broken by some asshole who can’t appreciate you for who you are. Unfortunately, if you do come out to him as ace, he might make some puns about it. Nothing offensive, but he’s your father, he can’t help the urge to make awful dad jokes from time to time.

If you don’t know Russian then he’ll teach you. He’s a proud Russian, so he does want you to know the language. He can hire a teacher for you too, if you’d prefer that, but you won’t be spared. He’ll talk to you in Russian and compliment you on your progress. Besides, it’s never a mistake to know another language. If you do know Russian then he’ll speak it with you whenever he can. Yes, even when the likes of Price are around. Doesn’t matter if it comes off as rude, it just feels homey to him. It makes him feel at ease.

#cod #cod x reader #cod nikolai #nikolai x reader #listening to “A Trophy Fathers Trophy Son” hits different these days. I just can't bring myself to hate my father no matter what #anyway I want Nikolai to adopt me and help me through all of my struggles #I think some hugs from a father figure could heal some of my scars and make some of my demons go away #I don't even remember the last time my parents properly hugged me. to comfort me I mean #“Is this what you call a family” I almost cried at work today and I really had to pull myelf together to not start crying #one of my coworkers is a father and he reveres his daughter. I wonder if my father thought that highly of me too when I was younger #I'm not even sure he likes me anymore these days. It hurts so bad because I genuinely don't have very many people in my life #I don't wanna lose him too even if it doesn't seem like he cares about my mental wellbeing at all #I don't care that I'm venting in the tags right now I don't have anywhere else to vent anyway #I wish I had a father whose love I could actually feel. Is it my fault? Did I do something wrong? Am I just a shitty son? #I've been finding so much comfort in imagining Nikolai as a father figure as of late. Found family and he adopts me as his son #Haha I wonder what that says about me. I think I need a hug one of these days or I will genuinely fall apart. Everything is getting to much #But life goes on I suppose. I need to be strong. I can't afford to break down again

[rqg179]

i will say though that brennan revealing last episode that kipperlilly has been going to guidance counsellor for anger issues since freshman year has absolutely ruined me for seeing her as actually evil. i cannot believe that a teenage girl with anger issues is irredeemably evil i just can't

#i believe that she's an antagonist and that she kind of sucks as a person but i just don't think she's evil #yes i know she killed another teenager this episode but like. still #if aelwyn 'kidnapped 7 teenage girls killed the former elven oracle and helped bring a dragon back to take over elmville' abernant can have #an incredibly touching & emotionally resonant redemption arc then so can kipperlilly 'killed at least one possibly two clerics' copperkettl #currently i'm choosing to believe that the ratgrinders have been manipulated into this by someone else #(jace stardiamond and porter cliffbreaker i'm fucking watching you) #i mean cmon you can't tell me 'this teenage girl has anger issues that she has been getting help for for 3 years' #and not expect me to think she was a prime target for manipulation by agents of a dead god of rage and justice #kipperlilly copperkettle get behind me i'll protect you #i still think she sucks and the bad kids have every right to hate her! especially after this episode jesus fucking christ! #it's just that i will simultaneously lay down my life in her defense now. brennan cmon don't let me down #my post #d20 #fantasy high #fhjy

[rottiens]

The other day you posted about shy boys and I have some thoughts about shy boy Choso if you don't mind. Also, this ended up being longer than intended, sorry 😬

Imagine, if you will, sitting on the couch in your jammies with your bestie Choso, your bestie that you know has a thing for you but won't make a move no matter how many hints you drop that you like him too, your bestie who blushes and changes the subject whenever you talk about sex/dating and the like, he's sitting between your legs laying back against you. You have your feet on the edge of the couch with your knees up beside him and he's resting his arms on your legs.

Imagine making him lift up his head so you can take out his hair buns to run your fingers through his hair and graze his scalp with your nails causing his head to fall back against your shoulder humming at the feeling.

Imagine snaking one hand over his shoulder and resting it on his abs and rubbing your thumb back and forth feeling the definition of his muscles through his shirt. "Just getting comfy," you say when he asks what you're doing.

Imagine the small whine that comes from him when you remove your other hand from his hair. His breath catches in his throat though when your hand comes to rest near his waistband. "Just keeping warm," you whisper in his ear when he asks what you're doing for a second time this time in a slightly higher pitch.

Imagine seeing the blush creep up his ears when you start mindlessly fiddling with the drawstring of his pants. It's not your fault it came undone, the knot wasn't done very tight in the first place.

Imagine his breath stopping completely and his hands starting to grip your legs when your finger tips slip under his waistband, not moving just sitting there.

Imagine seeing the tent in his pants steadily grow as you start to scratch gently at the skin just above his cock.

Imagine him squeezing his eyes shut and shaking his head no when you breathe "tell me to stop," against the shell of his ear.

Imagine finally grabbing his cock and having to remind him to breathe because his fingers are leaving marks on your shins.

Imagine the mewls that you pull out of him as you stroke him so slow that he has trouble keeping his hips still.

Imagine having to shush him when you speed up, he's louder than the movie you two were watching.

Imagine giving Choso a reach around and playing with his hair again while telling him how good he's being for you.

Imagine Choso coming in your hand and you bring it to his mouth for him to lick clean.

Imagine, if you will, shy boy Choso panting and rubbing your legs up and down to try and calm himself down after the most erotic experience of his life. He's been so good for you, you should get him a glass of water and a snack when his breathing evens out so he can replenish.

#asks #best friend i can't believe you dropped this masterpiece #so casually in my inbox #tell me what do i do now that my morning is ruined /pos #tell me. #thank you so much for sharing this with me cause while reading I couldn't sit still #I got up twice to walk down the hallway of my house cuz hello #oh my god yes. choso in sweatpants; I wouldn't survive #god #cradle the bulge in his pants above the fabric first #and bring him a glass of cold water so real; I need to do this with him #and then hug him from behind and tell him what a good boy he is #I can't breathe; i need him #running all over the house #shy boys >>> #choso x reader #fav #🤍

[romanticatheartt]

I just want to say, bringing down another character/ship to praise your favorite one, doesn't make me agreeing with you, it makes me hate the favorite character/ship of yours and despise your childish personality... just saying :)

#Like you're so upset that the other character/ship is so popular and well loved (for a reason btw) #And you can't even bear to see it #So you bring that character/ship down to bold another one? #And expect me nodding my head and agree with you? #and it's literally a lie... #just want you to know real people sympathies with these characters and it's written from irl people so your shaming them #but your brain is so tiny you can even understand #I'm literally talking about all the characters/ships in this fkn fandom #And it doesn't help the fact that more than half of this fandom is +30 years old #shame on all of you #rhysand #lucien vanserra #nesta archeron #These three supposed “fans” are tiring me #Specially Nesta and Lucien #You're not helping me to like these character #You're making me hate them #And Rhysand's tag is all full of hating Nesta #Just stop #Before joining the fandom I loved all the characters #But now... #This fandom is so fkn rotten #It's disgusting #fandom fuckery #fandom bs #anti acotar fandom #And idk why tumblr thinks I enjoy these kind of posts #Like I don't want to filter Lucien's tag!!

[katierosefun]

oh there's something particularly painful about my mister in that dong hoon tells ji an that as long as no one knows, it's no big deal, and there's something particularly painful about how ji an tells dong hoon that sometimes, i want [my secret] to play out on big screens for everyone to see, and there's something particularly painful about how the second dong hoon meets the loan shark tormenting ji an, he starts screaming and yelling about how she's just a kid, how could you do that to a kid, and there's something particularly painful about how dong hoon doesn't even let ji an know he did that, but ji an knows. she knows because she was listening in the entire time and she just starts crying because someone actually knows this ugly, sad part of her and still took her side, and something particularly painful about how my mister started with as long as no one knows, it's no big deal but really concludes with there is so much risk in having someone know who you are but there's also so much comfort and peace to be found in that, too and maybe you shouldn't isolate yourself and maybe you should reach for that kind of comfort in being known and loved anyways

#caroline talks #my mister #if this is incoherent. it should be #rewatched the first 2.5 episodes of my mister last night #felt like crying my eyes out the entire time tbh!! #every time i watch this show there's just something about it that hurts me more and more and there's something that makes the messages #in this show feel more and more relevant #idk. thinking a lot about when ji an talks about how sometimes she wishes. sometimes she wishes #that everyone knew what she'd done and what had been done to her. #something about how ji an can't ever bring herself to connect truly with another person because of how much she hates #the feeling of people realizing what her past looks like #and not wanting to withstand the pity and also horror. like. okay. #something about ji an sobbing by the bridge when she listens to dong hoon pummeling that loan shark guy #and how i used to always cry at that scene but now i tear up just thinking about it #because you know! there's that shock (that firstly: someone knows your miserable secret. and secondly: they're still on your side) #and then absolute heartache because you don't know what to do with that information. you didn't expect it. #you're sobbing at a bridge because someone knows who you are and someone knows the scars of your past and still gets angry and sad for you. #and you still feel like you don't deserve it because you know deep down you are not a very good person (or so you tell yourself). #and. oughough. lee ji an holds such a place in my miserable little heart

[lord-squiggletits]

IDW1 must take place on an alternate Earth where no one has ever heard of ACAB and everyone wears "thin blue line" merchandise because there's literally no other way that a single Autobot killing a USAmerican cop in self defense would be such worldwide news that even Mexican journalists would go "OMG???? You like, killed a cop?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?" and it wasn't even framed as like, "you killed a human," the phrasing every time any character talked about it was very specifically "he killed a cop".

The cop was also threatening to shoot a group of surrendering/not-attacking/injured Autobots btw which is just the icing on the cake honestly lmao

#yeah i still think about how that plot point's handling in phase 2 was fucking dumb #you can't convince me that if a usamerican cop got shot by an alien people wouldn't be making memes about it #ppl would be making memes like 'you know a pig is a pig because he'll even shoot alien robots when they're surrendering' #i'm also mad bc the gun that that cop had was a replica of cybertronian guns that meg spread among earth's populace #and what's worse is spike and this other guy literally HEARD M EXPLAIN HIS EVIL PLAN ABOUT THIS #but somehow in phase 2 literally no one ever brings it up ever again #like not even spike brings up the whole 'yeah M had mind controlling guns that he did specifically to destabilize the population' #he was just like 'nah that autobot shot a cop the autobots are evil now' #but like. i wanna make the earth ac/ab memes so badly lmao #you know that ppl would be making 'officer down' jokes about some cop getting killed by an alien robot #don't try to tell me that it's bc they're alien robots people would suddenly support the US #ppl literally make 9/11 jokes bc they hate the US that much don't even try to tell me earth would suddenly unite over a usamerican cop #getting shot on the job no less #and this is also a story written by barber who's literally the ac/ab writer that gave OP shit for being a cop so like #it's honestly so baffling. like was he trying to make a point about police brutality #bc jazz is black coded and he killed a cop so that's why barber wrote everyone hating jazz for it? #idek it's just another one of those stupid plot contrivances i hate and make me unable to take the rest of the story seriously

[leos-regression-cove]

I think it says a lot about me as a person now that that the easiest way to make me cry as a child (and still now. I didn't think I'd tear up while writing this lmao) was to imply that the majesties and wonders of childhood and imagination are all a dream that inevitably leaves us as we get older that we can only regain in death and that the vivid inner worlds and personalities we give our toys in our early years either feel abandoned, vengeful, or die entirely as we age.

#i would literally have to leave the room for some movies or skip the endings of others because I found them so upsetting #a quick list of properties this post is about: #frosty the snowman‚ the polar express‚ the Carebears movie: the next generation‚ the velveteen rabbit‚ peter pan #the third tinkerbell movie‚ winnie the pooh‚ toy story 3‚ narnia‚ the wizard of oz (books)‚ the miraculous journey of edward tulane #and the songs goodbye yellow brick road‚ hey there delilah‚ and rainbow connection (by my own 9 year old interpretation) #The idea that adults can't access magic and it is something you HAVE to grow out of and this mystification of childhood upset me so much #I'm so glad I can put it into words now that I'm older #there are also probably many other properties that fit this description btw #like the brave little toaster and the raggedy anne musical I think #but after being traumatized by the velveteen rabbit I purposefully avoided most movies about toys #there are a lot of christmas shorts I also skip for that purpose #so anyway I'm putting it down this low for a reason #but I was reminded of this because now I'm using these same tattered toy and attatchment motifs in my own writing #but subverting that original meaning by sewing the toys back together so it becomes about repair and healing AS WELL AS the horrors of time #but also how such things can bring magic to people of all ages #and how love and comfort can still be provided by these inner worlds so many years later #the world is filled with beauty and wonder at any age and turning to cynicism and rejecting that reality is NOT what 'growing up' is about

[dawntheduckrb]

I'll stop posting wips eventually but it's been five days since I've said anything and I don't want anyone to think I'm dead/dying/stuck in a ditch and withering away, so here's 10% of the reason I disappeared (the duck is stuck in rendering hell) (and my little baby laptop is screaming at me every time I open up this file)

I might still be mostly lurking for a little bit so please be patient with me in the meantime 🙏🙏

#seriously though I'm sorry for just up and disappearing like that #wanna talk to people and interact with them so bad lately but I just can't bring myself to do it #so the best i can manage is blabbing in the tags like always #i don't know wtf is going on but over the past few days I've just felt like i don't deserve to talk to anyone #tried to reblog posts from mutuals several times but something in my head keeps saying; #'yeah they don't actually care for your input at all and you're being a bother for even trying etc etc' #and i know deep down that's probably not true (i hope) but i can't reason it away you know #and i know the best solution to this is to just talk to someone #let it be known that i *did* make an attempt to #i tried texting someone (and succeeded) but i couldn't keep doing it and I'm back at square one (and now feel worse lmao) #i'm not really putting this here for anybody to see it as much as i am for myself #but i know that (hypothetically) this could be seen by a real human so it still kinda feels like I'm reaching out in a way which feels nice #makes me feel less like I'm shriveling up in my own self imposed solitude #so uh hello person who might be reading the tags (there's six of you guys here now which is crazy cause i post nothing but junk here lol) #((but thanks anyway for following and even more thanks for reading this if you did)) #i'll make my way around all the posts i missed soon enough don't worry #i'm sorry i'm really not meaning to ignore anybody #i have drafted quite a few posts from moots that i couldn't finish leaving comments on but i have seen them #everyone here is super cool and talented as always <3 whether that be through art or writing or just finding neat posts to share #this wall of text is long enough and i'm very eeby so thank you again for reading this #tldr; not dead and i'll be okay eventually :) #not rb #hey look i didn't post a picture of my dog this time (a crime) #i'll make sure to share one the next time i get a good one

[sharkneto]

oof yeah this update is Not Good. i miss seeing all y'all faces

#i'd encourage everyone to send in official feedback #*polite* and direct to the point on telling them exactly why this update is bad #you can contact them by going to settings and then scrolling down to ''help'' then ''contact support'' and then put ''feedback'' in the box #for me that was #1) directly hurts the quick recognition and readability of my dash for who reblogged what and who is currently active and can interact with #2) directly hurts the community feel of the website as now i can't ''see'' who i'm following. avatars are like faces here #and the only faces i can see are those who make content (grand majority of whom i do not follow) #i usually roll pretty well with their ui updates because i don't care that much and i assume they've got their reasons #but this one is absolutely baffling #i do not understand where any upside is to this #even with ''copying'' other social media sites literally no one does it like this #i do not get what it is trying to accomplish #if they don't like the hanging avatars just shift 'em over and put them in line with the rest of the boxes why get rid of them completely? #anyway - please contact staff and don't be a dick about it #i still firmly believe clear concise communication they can use as data points to higher ups is the way to bring about change #sharkneto speaks

[troublcmakcrs]

//i respect literally no one on tumblr except my mutuals on this blog specifically i'm so serious

#misc :: ( ooc ) #//I LOVE YOU ALL YOU MAKE THIS DASH SO COZY #//I NEVER GET SICK OF HANGING OUT HERE #//you know those people who are like. ''you can't write with my male canons if you don't write with my female ocs'' #//never understood them until now. so tempted to do that with this blog LMAO #//sorry you don't follow the south park blog so you get NO onceler and NO arcane! #//whenever i follow someone from all my blogs and they follow back every one but this one it immediately deletes my trust in them #//LIKE I HATE YOU I HAAAAATE YOU #//jk hate is maybe a strong word BUT I REALLY DON'T LIKE YOU A LOT #//i'm having a moment dw abt it #//half tempted to go on another blocking spree on the rest of my blogs DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT #//me @ my mutuals on other blogs: you can come back / get unblocked when you follow craig & tweek like you're supposed to #//jk (mostly) LMAO #//I JUST LOVE THESE LITTLE GUYS SM... ;; #//sometimes i doubt whether or not i'm actually autistic and then somebody refuses to engage with one of my special interests #//and i have such big intense violent emotions about it like okayyyy bitch calm down 😭 #//if you ghost me when i bring up my special interest or don't follow my special interest blog #//or tell me to my face (DMs) that you ~don't fuck with it~ then i don't like youuuu!! I DON'T LIKE YOU!! #//which is why everybody on this blog is safe and i am giving you the biggest gesture of affection you are personally comfortable with #//on the scale of respectful fist bump to tongue full in mouth you get to decide 🥰

[emdotcom]

*remembers what they did to Vanny* 500 FUCKING PIPEBOMB ATTACK.

#em.txt #WHY #how can you see the fucking absolute fire that is building up & go. 'yeah douse it. now bring back peepaw AGAIN' #BUILD HER UP 2 GAMES EARLY --- & THEN DO NOTHING!!!!!!!!? FUCK #WE CAN'T HAVE WOMEN DO THINGS IN FNAF I GUESS #the company's scop was too big & they developed the game seperately from the environment & made the environment above the game #cut playable vanessa sections. cut vanny appearances. #remove all the plot make vanessa a bitch throw in some invisible walls call it done. 30 dollars now please #security breach isn't just bad. it's not fucking done. #the thing normally with cut content is i can usually agree like 'okay this game cut this but that was a smart choice' #it can be better for time or budget & it can make for better writing. #for instance all the cut content in ahit is neat & as much as i like moonie it's smart to cut his character to build up other ones #& makes for a tighter story & less convoluted area that's more fun to play #when i look at the cut content for security breach their are obvious issues. #it's obvious the company's scope went too far. you built too big an environment. you built the environment before your game. #you prioritized a cool area to the point you expanded the mall from 1 story to 3. do you think that time could have been speant elsewhere #& the other problem is the insane fucking crunch that scott cawthon as a dev placed on himself & others to maintain relevancy #a single person locking themselves ina room for months to stay relevant is fucked. a game studio physically cannot do that. #you see shit in the prerelease like they wanted a bowling minigame a kart minigame a freeroam minigame etc #what about vanny? what did you want with this character? you clearly had something in mind #but we needed to cut it so we can fit in mazercise i fucking guess or chica's bakery or trash heap #here's what we have: less than 1 minute screentime. the 2 vanessa ending comic. that's it #oh wait i forgot. 'vanny. sounds like vanessa & bunny. this cabnot be a coincidence ' & THEN IT NEVER COMES UP AGAIN #princess quest used to be about that bitch in golden freddy you retconned it to be about vanessa SO DO SOMETHING WITH THAT #her whole shit is apparently in service to william afton. why isn't she in the afton fight at all #does she not know he's down there? is he unrelated? does she know she's working for the mimic? is she not working for him? #is she at all related to the fucking bunny from ruin or like what #what about the rainbow hair. what about her tech prowess. what about the cut missing kids only referenced in duffle bag messages now. #fuck you & fuck me as well why can't i be passionate about hvac systems #why's it gotta be this shittass gsme.

[anitalianfrie]

.

#God I can't fucking do it. My sister is in the middle of a manic episode and I'm the only one that can kinda convince her to idfk #calm down a bit and my mom keeps pushing bc she isn't able of not pushing and keeps asking me what she said and she didn't say #anything it took me one hour to bring her home do you think I'm going to try to convince her that it's false our parents hater her? #God I was barely able to get her home #I don't think I can make it #This and d being so anxious i had to miss half of the last month of lessons and seeing him like that tore me apart and school and I'm #fucking clinically depressed and I have to take all of this on my fucking own bc mum is too stubborn and then there's also fucking school #And I don't want to go bad but it's too late now isn't it? I tanked my English grade 100% after today and it's only gonna get worse

[sschmendrick]

Gotta write a production report for two songs we recorded and I'm gonna have to do at least a third of it for a group of 6 after having done about half of the recording and editing work for one of these two projects...all that cause I still haven't found an internship so I can't just say : do it without me.

It's a little exhausting. I know they will work if I really push them but they'll do it super late and I'll have to revise it when I get back home from the small concert I've allowed myself to go instead of my portuguese lesson (brazilian artist so it's all good my teacher said, I still feel bad) and I'll have to run around tomorrow morning to print it and I'll assume the cost again.

It's...yeah it's exhausting. And my thesis is so far behind, and I still have no internship. I wanna keep strong but man that diploma is slipping away from me. I'm not even sure I have good enough grades at my exams now !

#yeah ok the anxiety is back #I have meds that are over the counter so like not great stuff but I'll just chug that down and hope it does something #plus I'm super stressed cause some of them are coming to a small party at my place (for once that I'm alone without my brother there) #and I was talkign with one of them (the closer one) about maybe coming out to them and he said yeah if you want :) #but now one of them is bringing his girlfriend and I am noooot doing that but also my place is a very intimate space for me #I so rarely invite people over because of that #I should stop drinking coffee it might be helping #my head is killing me #I'm so close to giving up on my studies all together and reimburse my mom #but I don't want to !! the people that inspire me the people i look up to the people i want to be like fought for it and never gave up #I'm not even sure I'm made for these studies. I have no ambition I just want to make people happy with music but the kind I love doesn't #really require me ? cause it's mostly small concerts with acoustics instruments #maybe I should have gone into idk social work but I'm pretty sure I would be way too anxious for it same reason i can't be a therapist #and the situation at home isn't much better rn #I really need to breath rn or I'm gonna be out of commission for so long that it will be even more stressful to do the reports at midnight #I'm gonna chicken out tonight as well and just stand there and listen and not talk to the artist afterwards and try to use the portuguese #I've learned nooo I'm just gonna default to english or french

[edelorion]

#edel vents #disclaimer: really personal issues in the tags. also wishes of death upon others. this is PROBABLY too much information tbh... #so if you're not up for it scroll down fast!!!! the deluge is coming!!! #today was... eventful. bad. also very bad. grandma's birthday celebration was today #and while she... definitely has Old People Issues (racist) shes also very lonely since the death of my grandfather so i can't really not go #i'm the only one who really visits her regularly to begin with #aside from the... very serious racism issue... she's “alright”. i guess. but that's besides the point. there's family there #and among those... my parents. which i don't like to talk to #discovered they threw more of my old stuff away. typical. wanted to strangle them. as usual. #had to “talk” with my mother (read: spend approximately ten seconds reciting exactly why i *don't* talk to her anymore) #so that whole ordeal completely soured my mood. #went home tired. can't really do anything right now. #at least the food was good i guess. but i also really want to cry... which i can't. which sucks. #...i really like to think i've improved as a person. i used to be really hateful of everything and everyone #worst of all myself. still kinda do but i'm... getting better..? #i like to think i've grown past most of it but every time i see my parents i feel this gripping at my heart. as if i haven't really changed #as if instead i'm still the hateful person i “always was” deep down... bc there's this visceral joy that i feel whenever i'm mad at them. #when i looked at my mother and told her how much i despise her i felt a shiver of happiness. righteousness. #to be clear: i do NOT care for her. at all. she's the worst person on this earth #and the only person whom my philosophy of “nobody deserves to die” does NOT apply to. i'm not scared of hating her. #she genuinely deserves this. but...every time i see my parents - and thus her... i feel as if i'm slipping back into that mindset of hatred #i don't want that. not anymore. it consumed me whole. i was a horrible person back then and i've caused so much grief for so many #i can't let go of this hatred. i can't forgive them. they don't deserve my forgiveness anyway. but i'm tired of hating. #i'm tired of letting that hatred define me. i'm tired of letting that hatred direct me. i'm tired of letting it bring me to ruin. #i'm tired of being who i was. i'm no longer “that”. i'm edel now and i'm happy for people now. if i don't like something i just walk out. #i can just leave. “if it sucks hit the bricks” right?.. but i didn't. i had to say it. i had to tell them. her. and i liked it. #and... i'm scared of that. because it tells me i haven't improved. #i'm not sure what i'm expecting out of posting this i guess. maybe help. maybe i wanna be told that this is normal or something. #maybe i just want to get my thoughts in order. i don't know. i'm gonna stop writing now. #sorry for making you read all this. thanks for doing it anyway. tags were cut off on this one btw so it may look like a mess. but. yeah.