#This was a lot longer than i thought it was gonna be. but fuck it

[liliththeimp]

sum ghosts hc’s :3 pt 1–SFW

Once again back at it with my SAS wife cos my brain is rotting like disintegrating cotton candy so here are some headcannons i made (posted on ao3 but thought they deserved a bit recognition here too lol)

Now these are just some personal hcs ive made or seen that i liked; the numbered sfw hcs are going to tie into the nsfw hcs, for clarification!!

SFW:

He loves music, like anything 70’s to 90’s in a sense? Like, sum pink floyd or shinedown (ik but it stuck after an ai chat and i cant fucking let it go-) nu metal, death/black metal, gothic metal, throw in some thrash/groove metal- anything with metal really

Onto my next point, he’s good at guitar, like really good, he has a gibson guitar he named (idfk what he named it, probably after you tho lmao)^1

He’s a straight up asshole, like, blunt calls everyone cunts, he’s just a a British as shoe dude what did you expect. But the funny thing is, if you end up cursing him out like a sailo he will find that as a major turn on ^2

Simple man doesnt like complicated food, just a normal burger and fries and he’ll be grateful. And if you cook good luck he eats like a bear (how else u think he’s bulky???)

He likes winter over any season bc its the opposite of where he’s been, though allergies/sickness do annoy the shit out of him cus he sneeze into his mask and it pisses him off

Likes milkshakes and i won't expand on that.

He’s a big softy for like small gifts, he may not show it but that macaroni necklace he called stupid? He has it on his night stand so it wont get ruined. You got a bracelet you gave him three months ago? He wears it everyday.

Pretty testing and bully-ish, but will just become a stuttering mess when you tame him, the slight blush peeing through his balaclava will give you enough lee way to make him fall in love with you

“blink mf.” 

Stares down new recruits, no exceptions- when he sees you, he ends up staring more

Knows some ASL when he’s not exactly in a talkative mood (not gonna say non-verbal bc, i doesnt fit him? he’s just like middle finger up to say fuck you, thats his sign language lmao)

Pretty big book worm in his free time

Fast learner at anything, i imagine he has a hard time remembering shit bc of his trauma n shit will do that to ya, but if he watched something long enough he can get it down.

Likes some spicy food

Doesn't do video games, he just doesnt think their any fun

OMFG this man- he makes fucking BACON in his GRILLED CHEESE. I argued with him (literally only with a fucking AI bot like some looser but my point still stands;) about how that's an abomination, grilled cheeses are meant for, and paired ONLY with tomato soup, sometimes chicken noodle. but he believes it the most delicious thing, he’s not putting watered down ketchup next to his beautiful creation.

Stubborn and pouts easily, you say something he doesnt realize is a joke he hold onto that grudge. “Why are you so upset right now? What did i do?” He huffed, uncrossing his arms “you didnt hold the door for me and I slammed my face! You didnt even apologize!!” You blinked, lips pressing into a thin line “are you fucking 5.”

his love languages is more quality time than physical touch- but Jesus Christ this man will get clingy af once he trusts you (after he takes off his mask fully 4 the first time, he trusts you with his whole heart- dont break it pwease- hes hes jus a little guy)

Ok really like bully breed dogs, like his favorite.

loves to hold your hand, like if you wrap your hand around two of his fingers specifically, he’ll turn into a blush mess and so so prideful, (like big softy friendly giant who could totally crush you- and he’s like so gentle) ^3

Gives a lot of thought before he compliments you, like studies the way you do things- like, hair clips, clothes, colors, make up, shoes, etc etc, he loves to study your features.

Can cook- like, really good- but ends up ordering takeout or pizza cos he’s lazy

On his trips, like when he get deployed longer than a couple of months, he brings back sand for you from the places he’s been and you have a small shelf full of small files of the sand (unlabeled btw, you just know which is which)

tries not to get angry or lash out or get like, cold or distant with you bc he really cares he’s just scared of fucking up and you leaving once you see how broken he is

Does all those horrible jokes, his voice is slow and gruff and just- gravelly? Like, he talks like the Grimm reaper himself and makes a yo mama joke

Doesn’t know how to ask for attention so he’ll come up behind you and tug a strand of your hair or nudge you- shit he’s thrown pillows at you then stares at you with a straight face “cuddles.”

“Not arguing with a dude with big brown eyes. Like, whatever you say beautiful”

he loves eye contact wen talking about serious shit- like, complimenting you, or saying i love you, he wants you to look him in the face and understand how much he means it….yet you turn into a blushing stuttering mess when he does, and he laughs to himself ^4

Stares at ‘settings’ on his phone to avoid social situations. Argue with the wall.

in the thickest, most unintelligible, uninterpretable British accent possible “YA KNO’ WHAT YOU DIR’Y ‘ITTLE CUNT—”

Incoherent British slang, colonizer alphabet soup if you will.

plays hello kitty island adventure or cooking mama un-ironically

Can’t spell “gynecologist” (geneycologist/ gin-i-colo-gist) or “bologna” (balaonie/ balony)

If there’s ever a baby in the store or something, and the baby is staring at him, he’ll make funny faces (mainly cross his eyes and makes small sounds)

doesn’t think he’ll be a good dad, but still thinks about it- believes he’s not good enough for a family ^5

Anywho continue onto part 2 here for spic stuff you perv >:3

#cod #simon ghost riley #ghost cod #cod imagine #cod headcanons

[these-posts-arent-real]

(masterpost link)

Aaand we have returned to the madness on a larger scale! What are these cats up to...

#sighh #i know i've been away from dash sim posting for a while #was dealing with my last few days of school #but #that is Over Now #i can return to fulfilling everyone's need for Warrior Cats But Tumblr

57 notes

🐦 s3afow1s--sc0wl Follow

PLEASE stop talking about the most recent TTDV slates without spoilers, it hasn't made its rounds to ShadowClan yet and I don't want to know what's going to happen before I read it!!!!

#ttdv discussion #ttdv:rp #through the desert vast #ttdv: rattlesnake path #ttdv #through the desert vast: rattlesnake path #especially since i heard the newest slates have seafowl in them a lot #he's my specialest guy...

9 notes

🔁 🛤 carnation-stem-02 reblogged

🍲 ex-thundrclan-kipper Follow

I think the worst thing about no longer being a Clan cat is that a lot of the time I have no idea what y'all over there are talking about. What is TTDV?

🦁 lionsight-x3 Follow

TTDV stands for Through the Desert Vast. It's a new slate series everyone's going bee-brained over... I haven't read it yet because I prefer for a series to be finished before reading, but I've heard good things. Queer rep within the first couple chapters of the first slate-set, a non-traditional setting and cast (a rogue group living in the desert), and complex characters... needless to say I'm excited for when it finishes and I can read it!

#it's been on my to-read list for a while #maybe this is a sign #it seems pretty cool #ttdv

2,070 notes

🔁 🐦 s3afow1s--sc0wl reblogged

⛰️ fc-rockpaint Follow

In honor of Through the Desert Vast becoming popular, I've decided to make a rock-dye project on all of the main characters. Today's character is... Seafowl!

Unfortunately I don't have the right paints to portray him accurately (I haven't been able to find any white herbs for his patches, but I'm still on the lookout!) but this is mostly accurate to how he is described in the slates.

🌠 nightshade-tast3s-yummy Follow

Pssst... @s3afow1s--sc0wl

#eeeek! seafowl! #i looove him so much... my precious boy... #art #ttdv #ttdv seafowl #thanks for the tag!

162 notes

🔁 🌻 l1llyst3m reblogged

🌻 l1llyst3m Follow

Aahhhh I've finally gotten into TTDV and... NOBODY was gonna tellme that one of the characters is heavily implied to be transfem? Nobody thought I'd find this interesting????

🌻 l1llyst3m Follow

SCRATCH THAT. IT'S CANON. PIT VIPER IS CANONICALLY TRANS.

🐚 hermitcrabfriend Follow

I had wondered if you were talking about Pit Viper when I saw this post a cople days ago! Apparently so ^w^ yeah, it's canon, gets confirmed in the second slate set.

🌻 l1llyst3m Follow

This makes me wonder. Why is everyone on this site talking about Seafowl saying he gives "egg vibes" when we have. An actual confirmed trans character. Right here.

Nothing against Seafowl but the only vibe he gives off to me is traumatized.

🏞 trouttail-prefers-bass Follow

He's your typical prettyboy cishet protagonist type and everyone is pissed off that he's a side character rather than ttdv's ✨️specialest boy✨️. So they're trying to make him special by claiming he gives off trans vibes when he clearly does not and is happy as a tom.

🌻 l1llyst3m Follow

#wait till op reads rattlesnake path

What do you mean by that-

#what do you MEAN by that— #im gonna need context #is this /pos or /neg #does something bad happen in rattlesnake path?? #help someone pls #through the desert vast #ttdv

103 notes

🔁 🥬 rxttencatmint reblogged

🥬 rxttencatmint

Im so fucking irritated... my mom wont let me read TTDV because it's "inApPrOpRiAtE." Which. Of course. Is because it has lgbtqia+ characters.

🥬 rxttencatmint

WONDEDFUL NEWS. MY MENTOR LET ME BORROW HIS COPY OF THE FIRST SET. AHHHHH!!!!! I GET TO READ IT!!

#YIPPEEEEE #òwó im so exCITED!!! #ive been wanting to read ttdv for a whileee #i love my mentor sm

5 notes

🪵 i-eat-moss Follow

My unpopular opinion (TTDV:RP SPOILERS INCOMING)

Keep reading

#ttdv:rp #ttdv #rattlesnake path spoilers #ttdv spoilers #ttdv:rp spoilers #nothing against pit viper!!! #i like her as a character #i just dont get why we got a whole book explaining her backstory

203 notes

🐚 hermitcrabfriend Follow

I LOOOOVE RATTLESNAKE PATH SO MUCH. IVE JUST GOTTEN TO READ IT AND IM SO EXCITED. OMG.

Not only is it a whole set dedicated to my favorite character !!! like a dream come true!!! It ALSO contains good intersex rep (Ball Python my beloved!!!). Over all just a FANTASTIC set in a fantastic series.

12 notes

🌱 dirtdigger-23 Follow

I'm... back?? I'M BACK ON CLANBLR!!!! WOOOHOOOOOOOOOOO

#i thought i'd never get back #stuck on Tumblr...

0 notes

🍽 the-post-maker

I hope y'all enjoyed this insight into what the cats do when they get fandom-y... and if you want to discuss TtDV further... well, there's a server for that ;) now back to your regular dash

#dashboard simulator #fake dashboard #fakeposting #dash sim #dash simulator #fake dash #warriors dashboard sim #warrior cats dashboard #warriors dashboard simulator #warrior cats #clanblr #“slate set” refers to our idea of a book #one slate = one page #“slate series” = our idea of a book series #these posts arent real #cat dashboard simulator #dashboard sim

[qwuilty]

I wanna hear more about what u think happened to dude between p2 and p4!!!

And I wanna be annoying and ask how he reacted to him realizing he’s aging 💀 (finding his gray hairs and whatnot)

I think that initial post-paradise lost drive out was kind of awkward for him, mainly getting used to the absence of his wife around. She had "divorced" him in Apocalypse Weekend, but it doesn't seem like he had gotten far before getting sent into a coma.

He probably doesn't sleep in the bed for a while even though it's empty, he's gotten used to sleeping on the couch and still goes out there when he's unable to go to bed. Sure, he hated her, good riddance, but getting used to the sudden absence of a person, even one you hate, can be a weird adjustment. Probably starts enjoying being in that trailer more, makes a real home for himself. It's a disgusting mess, but now it's just HIS disgusting mess.

I think the gap is when he starts to get really close to Champ, before due to how fried out he was he was kind of a dick to him even though he loved the dog, but without the big stressors he could learn to appreciate him. And all his new, fire breathing tendencies. He starts to mellow out a little himself, he's still short tempered and a little bitter, but he's fizzled out with age and learned to laugh at least.

Maybe a bit of a cop-out but i think he was already greying in Postal 2 due to stress, but he hid it under his hair since it was more just bits of white hiding inside his hair. He probably saw it while brushing it back and groaned, he already looked and felt like shit, so getting grey already was just another thing on top of the shit pile.

Maybe between 2 and 4 he tries dying his hair a little, claim back his 'bachelor' years, he definitely sleeps around more, discovers some things about himself (cough cough bisexual), drives around in the trailer and checks out shit just for the hell of it. A random town on the road. Some shitty little tourist trap. A waffle house or two. The landmark the shitty map he has tells him "is a great view on your way around Arizona", just cause he CAN.

By 4 he's essentially speedran a mid-life crisis, he's on his roadtrip with Champ and gotten more used to being a single man out there. Sure parts of it suck, mainly his trailer being old and run down and still having to take up odd jobs, but now he's at least used to it. He's not entirely feeling like The Shit or whatever, but he's learned to like himself more with some help. He picks out clothes mostly for the comfort now, lets his natural greying hair out, being 'divorced' (via explosion) has made him be able to cope better with life.

I'm not suuuper sure what goes with P3, especially cause i don't wanna be like an armchair psychologist for disorders that aren't mine SDHFSJDFH But i like to think after Paradise Lost he went back into Dude's subconcious and calmed down too, enjoying a bit of a relaxation period, but he's still up there. He mainly manifests as visual hallucinations or a voice in his head, if this makes sense, kind of like Hobbes does?

He doesn't purposefully sabotage or fuck with Dude (as much), he's just a bit mischievous and joking. If he noticed his grey hairs after showing up in his head, he'd probably make a snarky comment about it at first, something akin to "Wow, getting grey already, old man? Try not to blow your back out pushing them back!" cause yknow, they have a pretty bicker-ing teasing relationship in-game. By 4 i think he'd more turn to appreciative teasing, like "Try not to woo em too hard, Silver Fox, save some of the rest of us."

It may not make a lot of sense but i also like to imagine P3 ages as well, being tied to P2/P4 dude so he even gets his own grey hairs, but not as many. He may be in his old Postal 3 clothes, but if he also updates his wardrobe i like to imagine him kind of adopting like the "cool uncle" look.

Or having one of those stupidly specific shirts they advertise on Facebook, yknow the kind like "DON'T FUCK WITH A SAGITTARIUS BORN IN DECEMBER WHO LOVES WATCHING DAYTIME TV AND OWNS A SHOTGUN"

#This was a lot longer than i thought it was gonna be. but fuck it #its not super concrete but i think this follows a good general idea i have for his gap period there

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#tfw u spend the day being catastrophically depressed then u remember how kush1na uzumak1 is treated by the plot of #narut0 and u get so fucking angry that u stop thinking abt how miserable u r for 2hrs as u furiously draw out an idea #it makes me so fucking mad. but like in a way that fun bc its like who cares its not that serious #and when i get depressed i just like. i dont give a fuck abt anything. there is a film between me and everything and nothing can touch me #except apparently my fucking insane feelings about narut0. like im genuinely so embarrassing when ppl irl make the mistake of talking abt #narut0 to me irl. like i get SO excited. i move my arms a lot and stamp my feet and just get real enthusiastic and my voice goes all weird #and i cant get my thoughts straight bc i have so so so much to say. which is like fine. its just embarrassing to me personally #bc i kno i tent to stay on the subjects im interested in for way longer than most ppl would probably enjoy #and after i watched star trek into darkness in hs i was like at my peak star trek phase and i was talking a mile a minute #and then my sister was like: y is your voice all weird? and it was like she slapped me in the face. slapped me thru time. u bitch 😭 #this is y im not allowed to enjoy things 😭 also bc im annoying abt it. ugh. anyway. point is i got so mad abt the misogyny of kishimoto #that i forgot how fucking awful i was feeling for a minute. so thank u for hating women so much u fucking bastard lol #when will i post the idea im planning? who tf knows. its gonna take. well idk how long itll take #unrelated

[the-acid-pear]

I never tried the option myself bc it'd probably mean skipping the Reason You Suck speech at the end (fire for speedrunners though) but I Love that you can frame your Phoneys in 3, especially so if you've already killed the previous two. Like yeah couldn't send you off to die so i'll let the goverment do it for me 🧸 like its just Peak evil imo.

#luly talks #i do relinquish in the pain and the agony but dont get me wrong the thought of any of them 3 getting jailed makes me SO sad #rog esp since he's the one im writing about and the biggest nerve wreck #gingi voice they'll be the last one to pick the board game for prison-game-night.......... #actually yknow i wonder if rog would end up almost believing it after all when you try to gaslight him for the shits and giggles #(as in: telling HE was victim of the bite of 87 and the like) he tells you to not do that bc his brain is already scrambled or something #so there's a chance perhaps he'd believe it if he had everyone constantly accussing him of it? #not like it'd matter much i have no hopes for the dsaf justice system i know its been 35 years since jack got framed but still #i just remembered when the option popped up i said ''god im really becoming steven 😭'' #first time i made the joke too was when i said ''imagine your boss sucks so bad you turn suicidal'' no clue what the context was #OH YEAH JAKE SAYING HE'D RATHER FUCKING DIE THAN KEEP WORKING HERE yeah. poor guy. #anyway im derailing my own post again uhhh. yeah. yeah i dont trust any phoney is avoiding the death sentence #dsaf #roger jones #dsaf roger #btw just for the sake of yapping longer i truly cant decide whether harry or jake would survive better in the enviroment #probably jake to be honest. I mean Harry has a lot of experience inside freddy's but he didnt really live outside it muhc #jake is so confrontational though #hey did you guys watch the hit movie felon? sure that guy wasn't framed but. i feel like jake would end up w that attitude #except for. you know. everything else that happens in the hit movie felon. #hey actually forget about this game go watch the 10/10 movie Felon from 2008 starring Val Kilmer and Stephen Dorff #because its one of my all time fave movies and probably the saddest i've seen #not bc there arent movies that are more tragic but bc no movie was able to break thru my walls of idgaf and make me cry anyway #yeah you thought i couldnt bring up my movie fixations on my different fandom posts well you were WRONG in fact #im gonna go tag my other post i left untagged yesterday bc my ass was Cooking

[billygoat26]

Guys- moots who know me well enough kind of-

I'm not simping solely for fictional characters anymore-

...

I hate this, it's weird, I wanna say something to them or at least one of my other irl friends but I'm too scared that 1: they'll judge me and 2: they'll TELL HIM. Dear god I do not need that-

BUT IT WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE (aka it's been on my mind for a few hours too long)

Yesterday, pool party with friends, right?

I knew that he did some workout stuff but I still was NOT prepared- (me, who was fully expecting him to wear some form of his normal outfit but for the pool- noooooope! Shirtless- very unprepared)

And listen, I knew I at least sort of like-liked him before cuz you know, personality and all that stuff, but come onnnn- like- what do I do now??

And then they were playing chicken fights in the pool or whatever the game is called, and after that they were standing on each other's shoulders and pretending to walk on water (We all had just endured a bible unit in our English classes)

He had offered for ME to stand on HIS shoulders- and for that to happen, you know, they gotta swim under, right? Well, we both have the dirtiest of minds (I also just have shitty balance so I was not about to try that anyways. That was the main reason on my mind but I thought of the other stuff after).

I don't even know if I have blushed since elementary school, but if I did then, then thank god for the sun because sunburnsssss

And then he couldn't find his shirt after we had all gotten out, and one of my other friends said that he didn't need the shirt (jokingly) and dear god I wanted to agree (verbally) but I'm too worried about my whole bullshit being too obvious if I did, so I just had to stay quiet. (He ended up not finding it and just having to leave cuz his parents were there)

But that- that day- just... that. It's not. Leaving. My. Mind. Alone.

#billygoat talks #Look ma- I'm not simping for only fictional characters! #I'm not adding him to the simp list tho- 1: not putting his name anyways and 2: that list is for fictional characters only #Wait- what day is it now? #Fuck- it's only Sunday... #Should I say something? Cuz I only know him because of the IB program but I'm not gonna be in it next school year #And I think the only time we would see each other is either during lunch and after school going to the buses or just buses #But I'm worried that- if I do say something and he doesn't feel the same- our friendship will be fucked up and awkward- I don't want that.. #Besides- I've never had good luck with these things #And at the start of the year I had come out to my friends as gay- mid-school-year one of my friends and I agreed I was pan #<- that was only one friend... and the one who made the joke I told y'all about #But he still thinks I am gay- we joke about it a lot- so how would I even start? #I've never been in a relationship- can't say I've never been kissed before only cuz of a weird thing in elementary school- #Believe it or not- even if I can give others advice- I don't know what to do for myself... #I guess I'm scared of rejection but I should be used to it by now- #Oh yeah! The other thing- we've only known each other for a whole one school year- his friends have known him for much longer- #I feel like it's wrong to even think like that after only one school year and say something about it- like it's too soon #Believe me- I do wanna say something but I'm just scared that our friendship will be ruined or he'll ask questions I don't have have answer #to- more than likely one of those would be about my sexuality #I feel like I have to stick to that- like a limitation- but I don't want to- #I have so many wants but I feel like I'm not exactly good enough for anybody and those wants will just be wishful thinking forever #Fuck- just bombarded y'all with my shower thoughts... sorry- #Ummmmmm- #Yeah-

[byanyan]

being friends with byan is so weird bc they say they want you to have the balls to be bluntly honest with them, but then the very moment you're honest about something they don't like, they're peacing out, all "lmao ok friendship ended byeeeee"

#honesty is great until you're addressing their insecurities or anything they're currently in denial over #they have a... weird relationship with honesty lmao #they'll be harshly honest about almost anything and not pull a single damn punch #they will tell you easily that their biological mother didn't want them and that they've lived on the street #they'll tell you that they haven't had a foster home last more than 10 months & that one of their foster parents almost killed them #but they won't tell you about the misery these events caused & how its shaped them as a person #and then there's the way they can dish it but can't take it #they'll tell you to your face everything that's wrong with you (in their opinion) #but the moment you do the same back.... lmao fuck you what the hell kinda bullshit #they're so SO sensitive. so much more so than they let on. and they don't tolerate being called on their shit well. #but I think part of that is bc they spent a lot of their life being belittled rather than built up #and they ended up feeling like every time they were abandoned it was bc of their flaws #so if ur pointing them out........ it's only a matter of time before ur leaving too. so they better leave first. #but also they just hate being Seen. they hate when someone can see behind their facade. #if someone else can see ur pain that means it's really there or something :) #idk I have way more thoughts about this than I realized when I started typing and now the tags are gonna be longer than the post oops #might....... have to make a note to get into all this in a more in depth headcanon at some point #━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ OOC ⋮ DON’T @ ME.

[barkingangelbaby]

dude...

#if I don't stop hyperfixating on my breathing... like... idfk how much longer i can live like this... #it's been happening since last august snd I'm so tired of it..... #it's not even only when I'm high anymore it's like... all the time #i just like.. stop automatically breathing once i think about it and it takes me *so* *fucking* *long* to start again #honestly I'm just typing this post to distract myself a bit and hopefully i just start breathing normally again but I'm still manually #breathing rn. and now im wondering what the normal amount of time in between breaths is and if I'm taking too long ?? #i tried to time my breaths with N's but she's asleep so i know it's gonna be different than mine #hoooo boy wish me luck falling asleep this is so annoying!!!! #is this ocd??? I've had several ppl in the past year tell me they think I have it but thinking about it makes me spiral #but it would explain A Lot of my thoughts n habits #anyway. I'm very annoyed with myself rn i just want to breathe normally and not worry myself into panic attacks anymore #actually very worried about how bad my stress in general has been bc there's no way it's been good for my body #ok. time to snuggle up n try to fall asleep!! im v cold rn so i have to warm up before i hug N bc i don't want to wake her with my ice cold #skin lmao. i can't wait for it to be warmer so i don't have to worry/feel bad about that lol #OKAY BBYYYYEEE if you read these tags I'm so very sorry. #rAMbles

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

I had a dream that it was moving day and I hadn't packed anything, my parents were in the city to help me move and I wasn't prepared at all, and it didn't inspire me to work on cleaning and packing but it did make me super anxious so. That's something.

#it was more terrifying than most of rhe nightmares ive had tbh #(in the dream) i was out relaxing at a park in the nice weather and my parents suddenly appeared and asked if i was ready to go #and i was so confused because its march and im moving in may. but in the dream it was suddenly may #so i like rushed back to my apartment and was trying to get my shit together but im super not prepared to move right now #i woke up fucking hyperventilating because i was so anxious at the thought of not being prepared to move lol #in my defense. that happened last time i moved kind of #i was moving by myself. and the day i had to move i wasnt fully packed and i had to get rid of a lot #it was an hours long endeavor and it really sucked to try and get my stuff together #that was actually such a bad dream. moving is going to suck because I'm moving with a dog a rabbit and two rats #and then all of my shit. and a lot of my sibling's shit. and then driving it eighten hours #eighteen hours with four pets and all of our stuff. and its just me and my dad for those eighteen hours. im gonna die #fuck i have to get packed. im moving in oess than two months. that time sneaks up on you #and then suddenly its moving day and you havent packed anything and its taking hours longer than expected #i think i have trauma from my last move tbh

[orcelito]

What they don't tell you about losing a parent is that there is so so so so much to do

#speculation nation #my elder sister is gonna be executive of estate (once we get that sorted out bc we couldnt find his WILL) #so i thankfully wont have to deal with as much of the legal stuff #but im still gonna try to help out as much as possible #went through his papers yesterday and set up some preliminary stuff #gonna meet at the funeral home monday to arrange that. tuesday we're going to do some legal stuff for the will establishment #gonna have to take inventory of EVERY. SINGLE. THING. in his house. for tax purposes. #im gonna be inheriting a good amount of things probably. both a blessing and a curse #in that i didnt wanna fucking lose my father for it #but this is the hand we've been dealt and we're dealing with it. #i got excused from my last week of work Thank God so im hanging around longer than originally planned #gonna get my cats today. i fed them enough to last to today but that was when i thought id only be down for 2 days #no work to deal with now. i'll figure it out. #part of me's sad that it really ended just like that. didnt get to properly say goodbye to the store #but at the same time. my dad's death is so much more important. so i'll deal. #it was already gonna be a transitory time. but now it is INTENSELY so. #anyways thats why i havent been around much. i have quite a lot to do.

[crvstybowlofcereal]

this is a really specific vent(?) post. im processing things by putting them in words. its not serious, feel free to ignore me lol

i just want to say that a couple years ago when i was in the beginning stages of researching autism (and would soon realize i am most likely autistic) i was in a relationship. and communication in a relationship is So Very important to me. I would constantly ask how he was (obviously it was more specific to whatever situation was going on) and he would always say he was fine. If I had even the Slightest hint that he wasn't actually Fine (like 19 times out of 20) i would continue asking if he was sure and if he wanted to talk, and he continued to say he was fine. half the time i assumed he meant it and i read the situation wrong, the other half of the time i assumed he didn't want to talk about it.

he ended up breaking up with me because i

"didn't pick up on some things"

"what kind of things?" i asked

"idk, just, things."

and he had been talking to my friend (U) about our relationship, and telling her that i wasn't picking up on things. she got mad at me and we had a "fight" for a short time, she thought i was being a bad partner, and her sister (M) (who is toxic and possessive) felt like i wasn't spending enough time with her, so she complained about it to their mom, who got mad at U for it for some reason? so U also brought all that up, telling me M felt left out. (i wasn't leaving M out of anything, i was sitting with my partner at lunch half of the time, she was welcome to join, but didnt, looking back i think M has RSD and maybe i should have been more direct when moving to a new location to explicitly invite her) (U was also not in school at the time due to covid, so its not like i was spending more time with her over M, which is something M would get so upset about if she perceived it to be that way [she was incredibly possessive of me as a friend and the extent of it made me feel like an object tbh])

U never brought up the issues my partner talked about, because that's how we are, we don't make it known someone was venting to us, to respect their privacy, but it fueled her emotions during our "argument" so i really only heard her being mad at me for not including M, (which i later learned is because M's emotions were made to be her problem when they shouldn't have, this has been a running problem so it wasnt that surprising to learn) so i started spending more time with M, but it was school, and i had work, so schedules only allowed so much time, and any time I was with M (lunch and one class) was when i was also with my partner, but i had other classes with him so i assumed it was fine, but he started drifting away (also around a time i attempted to communicate something important about our relationship, which ended up making him uncomfortable, but he didn't say anything about it until we had a conversation after breaking up)

i was stuck in a place where i felt like no one around me communicated how they felt and still expected me to understand them and do what they wanted me to do

U and i recently reflected on this and realized my ex was a shitty communicator (he and his next partner also broke up because he didn't say how he felt and expected them [also most likely autistic] to... just kinda know ig?) and that she should have gotten my side of the story (she had no idea i was frequently checking on him and trying to get him to talk to me)

and that she wasnt actually upset at me about M, she was upset that people were making it her problem, and she was especially upset during this reflection to learn that M was not being left out at all, she was just doing That Thing again where she wanted me to be Her friend and Only Her friend.

U AND I ARE NOT MAD AT EACH OTHER FOR ANY OF THIS, I WAS NEVER MAD AT U AND U WAS ONLY MAD ABOUT HER PERCEPTION OF THE SITUATION, AND ONLY FOR A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME, EVERYTHING IS FINE

so basically i went like a year and a half thinking that people were rightfully mad at me and i was too self absorbed to pay attention to other peoples' emotions and i started learning how to read people again (clearly my body language research from middle school wasn't cutting it anymore) only for me to realize i just need people to be a little more direct that allistic people typically are, and those specific people were just being dogshit at communicating, (even for allistic people, relative to my needs)

anyways highschool post-covid was Really Fucking Weird and socially stressful for me

TL;DR reflecting on my communication needs not only not being met, but being far undershot for even a "normal" persons needs and how i was convinced I was the problem because of circumstances

#U and i are best friends and have been for 7 years now #U and M are twins #M and i barely talk anymore now that she has Other Friends (grateful tbh) #i know i previously brought up having an ex bf with messy hair and eyeshadow. this ex was Not Him #(my identity as a lesbian was shakey in highschool- i was figuring things out) #(i had several “girlfriends” in middle school (all lasting less than a week after the first because religious guilt)) #(but in highschool i had two separate boyfriends and zero girlfriends) #oh god my first ex is such a fucking story but thats for another time #also the ex in this post was like. REALLY fucking obsessed with spiderman #it was great frfr #but it made anything spiderman related super weird for me for a like a year after the breakup #he broke up with me On our 7 month anniversary like right after school got out for summer #the next school year was awkward bc he was in one of my year long classes and we had a LOT of mutual friends #he also started dating his next partner like a week or two after breaking up with me #i was also pushing down ALL my emotions at this time so when i finally Let Myself Feel Things a couple months later i played Good 4 U a LOT #17 was a fucking weird year for me frfr #honestly ALL of my teenage years have been rough and i have never actually let myself acknowledge that before This Moment #and that feels really weird to say because im technically still a teenager #this post ended up way fucking longer than i thought it was gonna be #(also going back to the middle school “relationships” ive sorta-almost-dated a good handful of people #but i only consider 3 people to actually be “exes”)

[todayisafridaynight]

GORGEOUS case bro I've never seen one with a continuous design like that and the embossment itself is so tasteful... always happy to see Mr. Dunkulous too <3

ALSO AYO YOU WATCHED MONDAY? How was it? Either way you're almost done with the Sabu Tsutsumi catalogue then... that's epic... I'm glad you liked Destiny too, it really is such a cute movie

Also I'm pretty sure PS4 preloads are open too BUT I'm still salty Xbox gets it a day early </3

Its one of the first designs i ran into while looking up wallet cases LMAO lucky me me thinks…. Its very pretty <3 mr dunkulous here to stay and keep me company lest i totally lose my mind <3<3

AND I DID i mentioned so durin stream yesterday ! i REALLY loved it, sabu keeps putting ttm in terrible situations and it makes me giddy seeing him panic 🥰 AND DESTINY WAS ADORABLE it was so cute….. really wholesome and what my soul needed….

OH PS4 PRELOADS OPEN ? Ill check it out when i get home later……. Why does xbox get it a day early thats rude me thinks…..

#snap chats #cancelling a post i was gonna make to bitch in the tags of this one <3 #anyway on this day this monday we remember the words of our king ryuji goda #A Real Man Oughta Be A Little Stupid DO YALL WANNA KNOW HOW MAD I AM. #HOW I JUST SPENT A FRACTION OF MY FOOD MONEY ON A STUPID CARD #WHEN MY FUCKING ID WAS UNDEE MY TABLET. CAN YOU IMAGINE MY RAGE. MY ANGER. #I TORE UP MY ROOM ALL WEEKEND BUT NEVER THOUGHT TO CHECK UNDER MY FUCKIN TABLET #its a lilfunny….. im tryna make the most of it ok GODAMMIT IM SO MAD THO I CANT #$20 is like $5 in todays society everything is twenty fuckin dollars i cant live like this #at least my deadnames not on my id anymore… and it doesnt look like its falling apart ig… #STILL HAVE THIS TERRIBLE PHOTO AND ID RATHER BE DEADNAMES AND HAVE $20 THAN NOT HAVE $20 #NO ONE TALK TO ME ANYWAY kinda funny. hang on. #at least i dont have to get a new sticker… i just scalpe the old one from my oher card.. lol… knife came in handy… #was leaving to Waste Twenty Dollars when i ran into one of my roommate’s boyfriend for the ninth time this semester #and we both clamber into the elevator and he like ‘ive seen you a lot lol so uhh whats your name :)’ #and the struggle i had… do i say Aforementioned Dead Name do i say my Thinking Of Changing First Name do i say Last Name…. #the safe answer is always last name so thats what i did but god i floundered..i stared at him for a second longer than i shouldve #today sucks. at least i dont have a night class today… #i’d stream y0 but streams dont go well when i stream them at 5 #plus i have to work on a comm… ouugg lemme cap it here before i rant for thirty tags straight LMAO #anyway. love my new case. destiny was cute. angry jealous frog ttms funny and sad at the same time. monday made me giggle 🥴 #this was a good post to make while making sure my cars battery didnt die LMAO ok bye <3

[eldenringle]

My surgeon gave me medical grade honey to put on my problem nipple and the urge to lick the applicator after every dressing change is so so strong....

#top surgery #i very likely have a connective tissue disorder #so im more prone to complications and have a lot of delayed wound healing #so the edges of one nip graft didnt take in spots #and the stitches didnt hold it cause skin so flimsy #annnnnd its been taking way longer than average to heal cause ive got That Bad Collagen #but my surgeon and his team have been taking such good care of me post op #the whole thing was the best experience ive had with medical professionals EVER #and after so very many bad doctors its honestly been so healing #like even beyond the gender care its soothed my jumpy disabled ass so much #therapy for my cardiologist diagnosed white coat syndrome (medical anxiety from being disabled) #also they gave me a honey patch to try #i didnt end up using it cause it was gonna be hard to tape down #but it smelled so sweet i almost ate it #i could have #it was safe to eat and the discord server was being a bad influence #but i woke up my poor mom to be my impulse control #later i found out she thought it was a dream lmaooooo #nope sorry you just have a weird fucking child

[lvrby-katsuki]

i have not done a SINGLE assignment over my 1-week christmas break. FUCK.

#IT'S DUE TOMORROW FUCKING KILL ME #when i checked the actual assignment it burned my eyes #it's... gonna take a lot longer than i thought 😋 #but in my defense ok ;;;;; #YALL FUCK WESTERNERS HAVE A MONTH-LONG(ISH) WINTER BREAK #MY FUCKING UNI GAVE US ONE (1) #it ran from dec 22 and classes start again on jan 4 #fuck was i s'pposed to do in those few days ???????? #i barely saw my family lately because my uni was far from home :// #and for god's sake it's christmas #i'm supposed to have a warm cup of cocoa and actually rest #fuck was i supposed to do with what little break i have???? do even more work???????? #my only solace here ig is the fact that NO ONE IN MY CLASS DID ANY QORK TOO AHFJJAJFJDJ #our gc is blowing up with people asking for literal crumbs on how to do the hw 😂 #it's christmas break. we had our own families to spend time with and sleep we needed to catch up on #jesus christ it makes me so mad thinking about the fact that i just had a literal WEEK for break time #fuck this system man #tw vent #🍞. ∾gie talks

[rayvern-sheep]

Update on my mental health: I am doing better! Just in case anyone read those concerning posts the past few weeks and was worried.

I have kinda long-winded advice sorta shit under the cut if you are thinking of top surgery but know you don’t deal w/ change well, or have got it but are wondering why you still feel like shit weeks later when everyone else seems to feel better. And then some more rambling in the tags if you’re into that sorta thing.

Oh boy it’s long under the cut… Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Some advice: if you have a hard time w/ big change, small change, any kind of change. Be prepared to have a hard time w/ top surgery recovery. The general consensus if you research it is that post-op depression is over by abt the fourth week, and that is actually deemed late by some sources. Many said the second or third week. If you are starting to feel worse after that point it does not mean you made a mistake! Don’t panic!

Even though I wrote several notes to myself before the procedure explaining that I did in fact want this, and I know I am bad w/ change, that did not help me when I was in the pits of a doom spiral. I’m ngl that was genuinely the worst I’ve been mentally in years. I had to ring a suicide hotline at one point because I thought I’d lost the point of life. Talk to someone you trust abt how you’re feeling. I just straight up sobbed into my mum’s shoulder abt how I didn’t understand anything anymore and I was terrified I’d made a mistake getting surgery. She talked me through it and reminded me that I’d wanted this for years, that I didn’t go outside w/out a binder on, etc. She reminded me that everyone deals w/ things at different times, just because most ppl feel perfectly fine by the one month mark it doesn’t mean I would. Then after that I just hung out w/ her. The day after that we went and did some chores outside the house. A little time outside is often a good idea, I do regret to inform you.

I’m not gonna say I’m all fixed and perfect now. I’m still low energy and back to hiding in my baggy hoodies (now I can get them on again yippee!!!) but I’m not pushing myself rn. And I wish I had some good advice other than idk have a good system of loved-ones. If you have a therapist talk to them. Don’t be like me and bottle shit up. I’m so good at bottling shit up that I do not notice smthn is getting bad until I’m at the very bottom of the fucking doom spiral and I look up and see how far I fell down it lmao.

I wrote a whole diff paragraph but deleted it. Better version though is just try not to put too much pressure on yourself. Surgery is exhausting, and feeling burned-out even after a month isn’t smthn to be ashamed of. Just focus on keeping yourself sane. If possible take it easy, do things half-assed and low-effort for a while if you can get away w/ it. Just while you mentally catch up to your new stuff.

For some ppl top surgery “fixes” all their problems, but for most it does not. Whatever mental or physical problems you had before surgery, you will still have. Now, my surgeon literally told me surgery would not fix everything. I knew this before going into this, before I even had my first conversation with him, and I still had a bad fucking time mentally. So don’t expect to feel perfect. I was in a weird surreal bubble for the first like 3(?) weeks where I was just physically recovering before my head fucking lost it.

I don’t wanna put anyone off, and tbh worrying abt how bad you’re gonna feel can be a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. I just wanna say that it can get rough. But if it does, you are not alone!!! You’ve not ruined your life, it’s not the end of the world, you still have something to live for. Keep pushing through, take it slow, talk to someone you trust. Try to do things that comfort you and help you feel safe. You’re gonna get through it.

Idk man I just wanted to share my experience on this. Because in my frantic research from the bottom of the pit all I could see were smiling faces saying they felt the best they’d ever felt in their life. It was euphoria all day every day. And the only ppl who weren’t feeling perfect were the ppl unhappy w/ their results. But the thing is I love my results, everything looks as expected. It’s literally how I drew it lmao, couldn’t have gone better. Not to brag sorry. But the point was, nothing was wrong physically. The majority of the physical healing was done, but my brain hadn’t been healing at all during that time. It was just putting itself to the side while the body did it’s thing. And when even proper medical sources are saying that ppl usually start to feel mentally better after the fourth week, and I was actually starting to feel shitty by that point, it rlly made me worry smthn was wrong. I was frantically trying to blame something for what I was feeling. And it was likely a whole mess of shit, with the main culprit being my inability to process change. Dude I freak out when a loved-one gets a tattoo or a piercing or changes their fucking hair. I wish I was joking, but I’m not. It stresses me out. And although I always get over it eventually, I should’ve known that this was gonna happen. After those early weeks of the itchy haze, I totally should’ve known a mental spiral was on the horizon. But I was just so lost in the sauce that was the whole experience.

I would not change the experience of top surgery for the world. I only wish I’d been more prepared for the dive my mental health would take so late in the game. I expected post-op depression. But as I said that’s usually only in the first couple of weeks. So when it didn’t happen I thought I was okay. But oooooo boy. I forgot how slow my brain is at processing shit. And hey, if I did “make a mistake” in getting my tits chopped off. If in the future I’m like “Hey I’m a woman now!” then so fucking what. There are titless women out there, and they’re no less woman than a woman w/ tits so big they break her back. Life is for living so fucking do that. I’ve not butchered or ruined my body even if my gender does change in the future. Get rekt transphobes.

ANYWAY… I think I’ve rambled enough. If I remember smthn I’ll prob add it in a RB cos this post is already long enough now. Thank fuck for the “read more” function. So I can hide all my stupid mushy shit under here and not clog up someone’s dash. Yippee!!

#shut up ray #after four days in a row of crying and doom spiraling and feeling like an alien in a strangers body whilst also lost at sea #i finally fucking talked to my mum abt how i’d been feeling #i think i was overwhelmed #thats the short version of it #im not gonna go into every individual piece of that fucking nightmare jenga tower #but boy did it topple quite spectacularly #suffice to say i do not regret top surgery #IBS still sucks ass but im not ready to kms over it just yet #and i do actually still have shit to live for #change is fucking terrifying #its also scary when you’ve been looking forward to getting smthn for YEARS #youve been single-mindedly fixated on getting this thing for abt a year #unable to think abt mucn else as you prep for it #then you get it and youre sorta still in that surreal haze while your body heals #after that though its like ‘wtf so i do now???’ #i was feeling a LOT of that #and it rlly hurt tbh #id been so focused on getting top surgery i couldnt think of anything else i wanted in life #i thought ‘welp… thats it i guess’ #its not tho is the thing #im only 23 lmao there is so much i can still do #even w/ a chronic illness its not the end of the world #i do feel like i need to look into getting checked for some other mental problems but ehhhhh #i dont have the energy #okay even the main post got WAY longer than i though it would…. #hope it helps someone? #it is now 1 in the morning and I’m still writing this aslsjkdsjdh

[curiousdibandbeyond]

frothing as i work on this fucking nanowrimo book knowing it is in vain as i race against the unending march of time, and i look at the calendar...

what the fuck do you mean it's the 29th

no the fuck it isn't you stop that

#so hey who is gonna fail nanowrimo lol #nanowrimo 2023 #i got a lot done don't get me wrong but fuck is this thing gonna be longer than i thought #let myself write fic again fuck #text post