blood red bloom
Eddie Munson x Reader (bouncer x bartender, established relationship)
Halloween, 1992
“You’re gonna have to work a lot harder to come up with a prank that will actually scare me, sweet thing.”
Eddie’s voice echoes in your head as you stare at the red inky star in your little leatherette diary.
A late period wasn’t quite what you had in mind, but here you are, sitting on your bedroom floor and staring at the mocking inky red star in your diary.
This Halloween was turning out to be pretty damn scary.
Word Count: 6.7k
Content / Warnings: Pregnancy scare - this is angst-heavy with some brief mentions of Eddie and reader's anxieties of being parents. Discussion of the future. Miscommunication. A fight that's not a fight but they kiss and make up anyway. Brief sex mentions. A reminder that this, and all my fics, are 18+!!!
Please feel free to skip this segment if it’s not your thing!!
Author's note: We couldn't let Halloween pass without an instalment of Happy Hours, could we? This was a toughy, it's been a rough and hectic few weeks, but I hope you enjoy reading the latest snippet!
Proof-read by @specialagentmonkey, finished off in the taxis to / from the airports in Dublin and Boston!
Since the first day with a chill in the air, the first fallen crunchy-crisp leaf, your boyfriend had been in Halloween mode. It was your second Halloween together, your first living together after you accepted Eddie’s cute proposal with his spare key in June. Even though he was messy and left the toilet seat up, you loved living with Eddie.
You loved waking up with him every morning and falling asleep together every night. You loved going grocery shopping together, and you adored how he would sit in the bathroom to talk to you or read his book while you lounged in the bath or did your makeup.
Autumn and Halloween meant horror movies, decorating the apartment and planning your costumes together. Eddie was stupidly talented with carving pumpkins, and you roasted the flesh with thyme and sage and onions for a huge pot of soup that warmed your bellies for days.
During your first year together, he had noticed how you scared easily - jumped a little or clutched your chest when he accidentally jumpscared you or purposefully snuck up to grab the squish of your hips with a monster-like growl. It always made him laugh, and his apology was always a kiss that quite often turned into something more.
You quickly learned that you could never get him back.
Yeah, Eddie was jumpy but he possessed a sixth sense for whenever you were trying to scare him.
When he had challenged you to scare him - to really scare him - you’re not sure that realising that your period was later-than-late was quite what he had in mind.
A rare Friday night off, October 30th, had started with another failed attempt to spook him. He was almost condescendingly kind when he said ‘ooh, that was a good one!’ after you popped up from that cramped back seat of his Dodge.
Once you clambered out of the car so Eddie could make it to work on time, he pulled you in for a kiss and cupped your face with such tenderness.
“You��re gonna have to work a lot harder to come up with a prank that will actually scare me, sweet thing.”
He kissed your pouty scowl away with his wicked smile and left you to enjoy your night off.
His challenge to scare him echoed in your head as you stared at the last inky red star scribbled in your diary. The hardwood floor felt chilly beneath you as you knelt on the ground surrounded by lipstick and pens and detritus from your bag spilled around you.
Thirty-six.
Your period was thirty-six days days late.
The little leatherette diary fell from your shaky hands. If you hadn’t already been on the ground, you are sure your knees would have buckled.
Slumped against the side of the bed, you rested your racing head against the navy duvet - the blood-red blooming rose print seemed mocking as you tried to remember if you had definitely written your dates down correctly. Your periods were pretty regular, never more than two or three days out of sync if even that many.
You hadn’t even thought about your period, or its lateness, until you spied the full box of Kotex next to Eddie’s shaving kit beneath the sink. As the bath filled with lavender bubbles and swirling steamy water, you had pondered on how you liked seeing your things side by side now that you lived together; your dresses hanging next to his nice shirts and jackets, toothbrushes sitting in the same holder, your perfumes and potions lined up and organised next to his new shampoo and conditioner replacing the horror that was 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner and body wash.
As you gave a pot of fresh-green facemask the sniff test, the box of period products had caught your eye.
Eddie had picked them up for you during a particularly bad set of cramps, cramps so bad you had called out of work. He had arrived home with salty Lays and sweet creamy chocolate and the biggest pack of painkillers they would let him buy, and you had cried because it was so kind and thoughtful of him. But that had been well over a month ago…
As the filling bath turned to white noise in your ears, you had flustered to the bedroom to check your diary.
The thirty-six (almost thirty-seven) day lag made you feel like you were going to turn inside out. And not because you were cramping up this time.
The bath was cold by the time you arrived back from a late expedition to the CVS five blocks away, armed with a share-bag of Reeses Peanutbutter Cups and a pink box that promised ‘quick and easy results!’
A year in and neither of you could keep your hands to yourselves. Moving in together had meant that you and Eddie had endless pockets of time together, and rooms and surfaces to officially christen as a cohabiting couple. Eddie’s car had seen some action when you took a road trip back to Hawkins to visit his Uncle a few weeks ago - the driver's seat, that cramped back seat, the bonnet…
When Eddie arrived home from work just after 3 a.m., you still had not touched the test or had a wink of sleep. He crept in like your favourite cryptid and dropped a kiss on your head, trying with all his might not to wake you as you feigned sleep. He settled behind you and fell into a sprawling-limbed rest while you lay awake.
In those dark hours, lit only by the red glow of the clock, you imagined every scenario.
The thought of a little one with dark curly hair and big brown eyes makes your heart ache in a good way, especially when you think of this imaginary little person in Eddie’s arms. That ache twisted like a knife when you imagine him not wanting anything to do with that made-up little person, half him and half you.
You were never set firmly for or against being a mother - of course you got broody sometimes when you saw a cute kid in the grocery store, but equally you had been more than happy to hand back your cousin’s screaming baby when his diaper leaked on you when you visited home back in the spring.
And Eddie? Did he even want to be a Dad?
He had a lot of tangled-up feelings there, held them in his chest like a pulled-tight tangle. That’s how he explained it when his own Dad had come up in conversation. He carried that sadness and hurt with him for almost two decades.
Would he want you to get rid of it, or would he even want you if it was really happening? You tried to be rational, think about how he had promised to love you when you had silver hair and dentures one night when you were both high as kites. Maybe it might be okay, you could make it work…
Sleep came and went, pockets of light dozing interrupted by your heart thrashing in your chest just when you managed to snatch some peace.
As Eddie snored softly, peacefully asleep, you glared at the red-glowing clock, its analogue numbers mocking you until 5:55 blurred behind your eyes. Caged in by the weight of Eddie’s arm, with his hand on your tummy beneath your (his) sleep-shirt, you managed to drift again.
The pitiful pockets of snatched sleep make you feel irritable and wrung out the following day. With a steaming mug of strong coffee, you watched the sun peak through the broad silver-grey sky while Eddie slept on, snoring and unaware.
You still couldn’t summon the courage to sneak the test from your bag and pee on the damn stick. In true Halloween style, it mocked you like Poe’s Tell Tale Heart all damn day from its stowing place in a bag under the bed.
Eddie was unbearably sweet with you from the moment he woke to find you re-reading the same page of your book for at least the eighth try.
It didn’t take long for him to figure out that you weren’t in good form - despite your joint excitement for Halloween - so he tried and tried to cheer you up; a late breakfast sneaking smiley kisses over egg and cheese and home fries. With a wide smile, he shared his ideas for a new drawing for a new batch of Corroded Coffin T-shirts for their gig before Thanksgiving with hot sauce staining his mouth until you wiped it away.
You kept getting distracted when he showed them to you and felt awful when you saw the flicker of hurt on his sweet handsome face. You rallied yourself and helped him pick two to show to the guys when they met to rehearse.
You finally snatched some sleep, cuddled up on the sofa before you had to get ready for work. Eddie hated having to wake you; he was as gentle as he could be, rousing you with light kisses to your troubled brow and warm cheeks.
“Hey, princess. Time to transform,” he whispered, his fingers itching with excitement to don the black velvet and silver chains draped on hangers in your room.
Hours later, you and Eddie walked into Jackie’s carrying a tense air between your joined hands.
You were still the sexiest vampire couple Chicago had ever seen; Eddie in a halfway unbuttoned black shirt and slacks topped with a velvet blazer you had thrifted, silver chains shining on his chest and fake blood smeared like your lipstick on the side of his mouth. Your black velvet dress showed off your curves and made Eddie’s eyes pop out of his skull like a cartoon when he first saw you in it. The bloody puncture marks on your neck dripped onto your chest and cleavage, the perfect blend of gore and sex appeal.
You felt shitty, had snapped at Eddie more times than you could remember while you tried and failed to make your makeup look not terrible.
“You look hot as fuck, baby. Have I told you that?” Eddie squeezed your shoulders as he looked at your reflection in the small vanity he had bought for you when you moved in. He was sweet like that.
“Mhm. Only ten or eleven times.” Tight smile, you met his warm gaze in the mirror. “Not as hot as you, Ed,” you say, pushing off the attention he doled out so genuinely and easily.
The subtle dark shadows below his cheeks and smudged smoky beneath his eyes suit him, gothic and mysterious. You had spent more time on it than you had planned because he couldn’t stop talking and you had (quite seriously) threatened to stab him with your brushes on more than one occasion. Now you were pressed for time with your own makeup. Clock ticking, you were at least thankful that the shadows beneath your eyes didn’t need much more darkening up.
“Nah, fuck off. You’re beyond belief. I can’t wait until after work already.” That glow in Eddie’s eyes that usually sparked hot want in your belly made you feel like prey. Sure, you were dressed as his recently-changed victim but you didn’t feel much like play-acting now, or sex for that matter.
He kissed your head and breathed in your perfume - he loved how you changed it out for the seasons - and the Fall’s scent was rich and warm and sexy.
“Feelin’ okay?” Eddie had asked when you went silent and spaced out again for a few moments, shoulders tensed. He missed your usually returned flirtation when you give as good as you get and then some.
“For the hundredth time, Ed. I’m fine. Please just let me finish this, okay? Please. We’re gonna be late.”
Since then it had been pretty much radio silence.
Eddie stewed, not rising to your bad mood because he might say the wrong thing and make things worse. In the car, he had bit his tongue and held back the suggestion of a weekend away, the idea to book some time off around Thanksgiving and just go somewhere together, alone. He wasn’t sure he could take another unexplained sad sigh or an away-with-the-fairies gaze when you hadn’t even heard what he had said.
So he said nothing and scared himself with his own spiralling ‘what if’.
Instead of eking out the last few minutes before work with Eddie, sharing a cig and trading kisses like you usually do, you leave him to enjoy his cigarette without your dark cloud mood.
“Hey. You’re forgetting something.” Eddie raises a brow at you.
“Oh, thanks.” You hold your hand out for your bag he had carried from the car.
You lean up and peck his cheek, swiping at the mark your dark lipstick left behind.
It wasn’t the proper kiss he had been angling for, but it was better than nothing.
“See you later?” he tries.
“Yeah, if I can get away from the bar. It’s going to be mental busy…” Resisting the urge to rub your eyes and ruin your makeup, you offer a small smile. “Be good. Love you.”
“Yeah, love you too.”
Eddie watches you go, his heart hurting in a way it hasn’t since he finally mustered the courage to kiss you in that same dingy back alley. Yeah, you two had your little arguments over the last year, didn’t always agree and got in funny moods with each other, but this felt different. He didn’t like it one bit.
The bar is the fullest you have ever seen it, everyone decked out in their Halloween-best. Your arms ache from shaking cocktails, but the special menu you had curated is going down a treat. The pain is worth the tips and the compliments, the recommendations passed between high-top tables and clusters of costumed customers.
The music is loud, the atmosphere sparky and fun, and yet it isn’t enough of a distraction, or enough to buoy you up when you’re feeling so low. Not the compliments on your costume, or the questions about whether you and the hottie bouncer were matching on purpose. You forced your smiles and laughs, genuine love for your vampire lord on the door made it easy to answer those probing questions. You tried to get out of your head and lose yourself in the best night of the year, but every time you would remember the last inky red star in your diary, the full box beneath the sink, the test you were scared to take.
You weren’t necessarily avoiding Eddie, you had filled waters for him and Jeff and the new guy Trevor, but had barely had time to look for him in the crowd, never mind checking in on him. Your mood had transferred over to him, and your guy twisted tighter with extra added guilt.
It was well after midnight before you took your break; the bar had been rammed with orders and while you could have slipped away, you threw yourself into work instead.
The need to stretch out your legs and hips and crack your back for good measure became undeniable and you slip away with a glass of ice-and-lime heavy soda water for a breath of cold air.
You’re mid-sip when Eddie pulls you into the small staff bathroom, spilling your water down your arm and onto the busted tiles. You yelp as the door clicks, pure fear until you realise it’s him
“What the- Eddie!”
Eddie’s gaze bores down on you, looking like a very pissed-off sexy vampire.
“You fucker! Scared the shit outta me, Ed.” You shake chilled water from your arm as you glare at him. He was lucky not to have glass in that pretty, pissed-off face of his.
“What the fuck is up your ass today?” he asks, arms folded.
Your skin prickles all over, hairs stand on end.
“You’re in a foul fuckin’ mood. What’s up? Did I do something?” Less accusatory now, he just looks hurt.
“Eddie, it’s fine.” You will your voice to stay steady as your stomach drops.
“It’s not. You’ve barely spoke to me, every little thing I do has annoyed you.” “It’s not you…”
That sounds way worse and you see him visibly wince.
“Ed, it’s not your fault, baby. I’m sorry.”
He sighs, shoulders deflated. “Then talk to me. Please.”
“Ed…”
“Am I not making you happy? Is that it?”
“No! Jesus, Ed. Never! You make me so happy..”
“Then what?! Please just talk to me.” His voice breaks.
“I… fuck.” You sigh, breathe deep. Your eyes strong as you speak, say it out loud, “My period is late.”
His brow creases, confused, before folding high under his bangs. Eddie’s eyes are wide, frantic. “Oh.”
Silence settles, no more voices echoing on the tiles.
“Yeah. Oh.”
“Fuck… Are you..? Are we..?”
There’s a sweetness in how he asks, a scared look in his eyes that you recognise from the mirror. It makes your tummy twist and your heart ache. Why had you been so scared?
“I don’t know.” Your voice is cracked and broken. “I don’t know.”
His arms open out to you. You don’t need a second invitation. You practically fall into his arms, gripping him as tight as you can.
“It’s okay. It’s okay,” he whispers. Eddie’s heart hammers hard in his chest. “We’ll figure it out.”
As he holds you close, his eyes cast upward to the grotty ceiling. He has no idea what he’s doing, but right now you need a hug so that’s what he will do.
“I’m sorry.”
His big-ringed hands hold your face, looking into your tired eyes. “Why sorry? Pretty sure it takes two… if you’re. Y’know.”
You sniffle, nod. “I know. I don’t know if I am..”
“You need to piss on a stick or somethin’, right?”
You can’t help the little laugh that escapes you, despite the tears in your eyes. “Yeah. I do.”
“Okay. Okay, you can do that. I’ll even hold the stick if you want me to.” He’s dead serious too, not just trying to make you smile. Though it is a bonus, and he melts into a little grin to match. “There’s my princess.”
You cuddle back into him again, “Sorry I was a bitch all day.”
“You know I don’t like that, baby.” He frowns and cups the back of your head, stroking gently with his thumb. “Knew there was something wrong though. Wish you could’ve just told me.”
“I…” Your voice gets caught in your throat, words lodged and stuck like they choke you. “I was scared.”
Though your voice is muffled against Eddie’s jacket, he hears you and squeezes you tighter. His eyes squeeze shut too.
“You don’t need to be scared on your own. I can take it, I’m a big boy,” he promises, repeating it so you know it’s true and real. “We’ll figure it all out.”
His sweetness makes tears flood down your face, that dam holding back every conflicting emotion finally broken. And Eddie holds you. He simply holds you tight and safe and doesn’t say anything, because he doesn’t know either. He doesn’t know what to say, doesn’t know how to kiss this better, doesn’t know what he wants or what you want either. All he knows is that you need him like he needs you.
“Fuck, my makeup,” you sniffle, face creasing more when you realise you’re still mid-shift.
“You’re gorgeous,” he promises, kissing your forehead. “Okay so, we’ll work our butts off for another few hours and then we can go home and swing by CVS?”
“I already bought one. It’s at home.” You look down at your toe-to-toe boots before looking into Eddie’s eyes. “Bought one last night when I realised. Too chicken to take it.”
He nods, pinches your chin with sweet affection. “Okay. Well, drink your water so you can piss on that stick, yeah?”
He’s smirking when you hide your face in his neck again, groaning in something like embarrassment. “I’d do it for you if I could. But I can’t, so drink up.”
Eddie lifts your glass from the sink ledge and tilts it to your lips. Despite the warmth of his arms and the stuffy little bathroom, the water makes you shiver as it cools you from inside out.
Hand in hand, Eddie walks you to fix your makeup at your locker as he distracts you with a few of his little anecdotes from working the door. He catches your eye in the mirror in your locker as he tells you about a table of drinkers he heard raving about your cocktail menu.
“Can you make me one later?” he asks, coming to rest his chin on your shoulder.
“Course,” you murmur, patting deep Merlot-red lipstick on your pouty mouth.
“Can I get some of that?” He raises a brow in the mirror, and smiles, his teeth glinting, when you tilt your head back to press a peck against his mouth.
A few kisses and the squeeze of his hands on your hips centres you again, helps the tension loosen in your shoulders.
“We need more fake blood.”
“We definitely do. Want me to bite you a little more, my pet?” His voice is wickedly low against your lip; it makes you shiver.
Sexy vampire couple had been an easy pick for you both. Eddie had got really into it when you arrived home with the press on fangs - a hookup from your friend who worked in theatre production and went costume shopping with you.
“You’ll get carried away again, Drac. I’ve gotta go back out in a sec.”
He squeezes your hips and behaves himself as you dab fake blood against the corner of his mouth, letting it drip down his chin, before adding more to your neck and chest.
“Hot.”
“We are.”
He hugs you from behind again, one hand on your tummy, so he doesn’t mess up the blood. “S’gonna be okay, I promise. We’ll figure shit out. I’m behind you no matter what. Yeah?”
“Yeah. I’d be fucking lost without you, Eddie.”
“Right back at you, sweet stuff.”
A well-aimed kiss saves any blood transferring onto your face before Eddie walks you back to the bar. “If you need a sec, just take it. Don’t worry, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Love you.”
“Love you more.”
He smiles and steals a final kiss before patting your velvet-clad behind as you step right back into taking orders.
You don’t see the moment he takes, ducking into the back again to process what was going on. You pour cold beers as he sinks against the wall, breathing deeply so he doesn’t spiral into panic.
He doesn't know how to be a Dad, didn’t have a map or footprints to follow. Wayne was a great substitute, but Eddie was nine years old and grown beyond his years by the time he stepped up to try and fill the gaps made by his no-good brother.
Ringed fingers push and scrape against his scalp, tugging hard enough to bring him back to earth. The pain anchors him, reminds him to breathe again.
He doesn’t know what to do, how to feel, how to be what you need. But he does know one thing.
Running away isn’t an option, not when he has you.
It’s almost 4 a.m. before you can leave with Eddie. It’s almost 4 a.m. and he keeps you tucked safe and warm beneath his arm as you walk toward his car. You can see your breath bleed into vapour in the now-November air.
You feel like you have been run over by a semi-truck as you fold yourself into your seat. Everything hurts and yet you’re somehow wired and wide awake, even on the pitiful amount of sleep you managed last night.
Tired eyes stare into the streetlight above the car until you see spots. Brought back into orbit by the squeeze of Eddie’s hand over your fishnets, you share a tight smile with him.
“Okay?”
“Ish. Tired. Need to pee.”
You had been holding it in. No more excuses, or avoiding the inevitable.
You help Eddie click off the little fangs on his already pointy canines and do the same with your own, tucking them into their boxes and into your bag. Shiny gold plastic medals sit on your chests, your prizes for the best costumes among the Jackie’s crew.
He turns the key, squeezes again before hooking his arm works the headrest to reverse out of his spot.
You’re both carrying the weight of the unknown. It doesn’t feel any lighter. Not when you have caught Eddie chewing his black-polished nails and the skin around them, seen him zoning out and pretending he was fine.
Until you know more, have an answer, you can be not okay together, hand in hand in the darkness.
Once you’re on the road, he squeezes your hand and keeps a hold of it as music from the radio fills the silence.
“You hungry?” Your voice is the first to breach the fragile peace.
“Kinda. You want fries?”
“Not really but if you do, it’s my turn.”
He smiles, slight and soft, and squeezes your hand. “There’s some spaghetti left. I’ll heat that up.”
You squeeze back, it’s enough to say ‘okay’ as he sails through green lights and empty streets toward your cosy little apartment.
The walk from the car to the lift to your door, apartment number 8 with its handcrafted Halloween wreath, feels like wading through syrup.
Eddie doesn’t let go of your hand from the moment he helps you out of the car; not when you press the button for the lift, or when he fights with the sticky lock that you have been meaning to call maintenance about. It locks easier from the inside, the bolt slides in easily to double-lock it safely.
Eddie takes your jacket to hang side by side with his own, matching leathers that make you smile through the pressure at the back of your eyes.
“I wanna clean my face and then do it,” you murmur, fiddling with the strap of your bag.
“Okay. We can do that. Clean faces and pyjamas.” Eddie nods, a held-in breath puffing his chest up with false confidence.
He eats cold spaghetti from a Tupperware container by the fridge as you strip out of your clothes and change into fuzzy leopard bottoms and a holey She-Ra t-shirt once the fake blood is swiped from your chest.
The pink and white box from under the bed comes with you to the bathroom.
Eddie joins you at the mirror with oily rich red spaghetti sauce slicing through the fake blood around his mouth. You clean your face as he strips down to boxers and pulls on his soft sleep hoodie that definitely has a concoction of questionable stains; toothpaste and your sleep-drool for sure.
Red and black stained makeup wipes and cotton pads fill the bathroom bin and Eddie lets you comb and scrunchie his hair as you ignore the pressing need to pee for a few more moments of normality. He closes his eyes as you rub cleanser into his face as you had your own, gentle touches and swipes of wet-warm cotton until he’s shiny-clean and human-looking again.
With a layer of moisturiser on, there are no more distractions. The boxed test can no longer be ignored.
“Will I go?”
“You can come back in after I pee. We have to wait like..” you check the box for an answer, “Ten minutes.”
Eddie nods, leaning down to kiss you once. “You don’t need me to hold the stick or anything?”
“I have to pee in a little cup-thing and drop it onto the stick. Chemistry shit,” you shrug, cheeks warm.
“Oh yeah, rules me out then.” He drops one more kiss to your lips before awkwardly taking his leave.
You feel less alone when you know he’s lingering close by.
Eddie doesn’t realise that he’s picked up stress-tidying from you until the bathroom door creaks open and you find him crouched amongst a clutter of unorganised tapes.
“Can you time ten minutes on your watch? Or the egg timer?” you ask, hanging against the doorframe.
The tapes are shoved back into a nonsensical stack - not organised by artist or chronology as he had planned to do - and Eddie scurries to grab his old Casio watch before joining you in the bathroom again.
He slightly panics when he sees you sitting on the floor, but crouches to join you with cracking ankles.
“Old man ankles,” you tease, leaning your head on his shoulder.
“Mmhm, getting more like Wayne every day,” he murmurs back, dropping his hand in your lap for you to hold.
Cradled between your palms, you lift it to kiss the side of his thumb.
“Wayne is great. Just keep your hair. Please.”
“Deal.”
Silence settles across the room and you watched the way Eddie’s socked feet bounce nervously.
“Eddie?”
“Yeah?”
“What are we going to do?”
He turns his head and presses a kiss to your hair, bumping the side of his face against your wobbly scrunchied bun.
His voice is quiet. “We don’t know yet.”
“I know that. But it… I’ve been going crazy thinking, Ed. I know you have too.” You squeeze his hand. “Would you want me to get rid of it?”
That idea plucks something painful in his chest. The knot of tangled emotions feels heavier than ever.
“No. Only if that’s what you really wanted. I’m not gonna make you do anything, especially not anything you don’t want to do.” His murmured words are warm on your head and your heart.
“I feel like I’m being pulled apart. Like… I’m just so confused about what to do, Eddie..” His arms wrap around you, hugging you close.
“That’s okay. That’s okay,” he promises.
After a few beats of silence, you feel like you can breathe deep enough to say the words that have been rattling around your head. “I… I do want kids. Some day. With you.”
He nods, agreeing before going quiet again. He thinks, tries to choose his words carefully.
“If that day is like.. nine months away, is that okay with you?” he asks.
“That’s the scary bit.”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t know if I’m ready to be a Mom yet. What if I do it wrong?”
Eddie gives you a sad smile. “That’s how I feel too.”
Your foreheads rest together, eyes closed.
“What if I’m never ready? What if I always feel like this?” you continue, leaning your cheek against Eddie’s steady palm. “I’m so happy with you, Eddie. What if this changes us, fucks us up?”
Dry lips press against your forehead, his thumbs swipe your cheek soothingly as you admit the fears that he has been holding too.
You hug him again, squeeze Eddie hard.
“My mom and dad had me by our age.” Eddie’s voice is a whisper against your cheek. “And… it went so wrong, that I’m scared I can’t do it right.”
You squeeze him tight, brushing loose hairs back from his face as his truth spills, unwound from that knot in his chest.
“I just wanna… I want to do it right. For us. For a baby. I want them to feel so fucking loved and happy. I’m so fucking scared, but… I know what to not do. I don’t want to be like him.”
Your heart breaks for that hurt little boy. You had seen him in photo albums and yearbooks, seen him with your own eyes when Eddie had bad days. He’s with you now, looking lost under the shitty bathroom light.
“You won’t be like him. You’re not him, Ed.”
“What if I am? And I just don’t know it?” There’s a frantic smashed-broken edge to his voice.
You crawl onto his lap, a knee on either side of his thighs so you can hold him properly, see his face. Swiping the beaded tears on his black lower lashes, you return that kiss to his forehead.
“You are not your Dad. You just said it, you know what not to do yeah? That’s so important, baby.” You stroke his cheeks with your thumbs.
He nods, wiping his face with his sleeve. His fingers drop to press against his chest like he is massaging the knot to free up his words. “I don’t want to let you down either.”
“You never have, Ed. Never ever.”
His head rests back against the bath as you hold each other. Both scared, but it feels less utterly impossible and all-consuming.
“I think… maybe, it’s good that we’re kinda scared. Because it means we care.” Eddie looks up at you, smooths his hand up your side.
“And babies are kinda scary.”
“Oh yeah. Absolutely terrifying.”
“Cute though.”
“Oh, for sure. That one in the park last week, with the bobble hat..?”
“Cute as fuck.”
You share a smiling little kiss before he brings you back for another long holding hug.
It’s easy to get lost in your head, trying to add up your very minimal savings with the cost of a baby, a bigger apartment.
You had both agreed that while you liked your jobs, you didn’t want to be there forever. Eddie wanted to get some more experience with music technology, maybe take a few courses and start teaching guitar lessons again to make extra cash on the side.
It’s early morning now; your routine is all over the place with your late shifts and sleepy afternoons.
After a few moments of silence, Eddie speaks again, bringing you both back from the meandering paths in your minds.
“I’m gonna marry you, y’know.”
You smile, knowing that you both wanted that happy ending. “Yeah? You gonna make me Mrs Munson?”
“Yeah, for sure. Knew that since the day I met you, baby.” He rolls his eyes, playful and pink-cheeked to distract from how raw he still feels.
The swell in your chest makes you sob-laugh.
“You gonna say yes?” he asks, just in case. “When I ask, I mean. This isn’t me asking, by the way. That’ll be way more romantic.”
“Okay.” You roll your eyes at him. “When you ask me, yeah. I’ll say yes.”
“Okay. Cool.”
“Cool.”
Another smiling kiss, noses bumping each other’s cheek as you imagine your future together.
You have this feeling in your gut that this man holding you, letting you hold him, will be a great Dad someday. Eddie thinks you will be a great Mom; with you by his side, he feels like he can do anything.
“Ed?” you murmur against his lip. “They have to look like you or I’m gonna be pissed. Whenever that is.”
“Nah, get outta here. Poor kid.” He pokes gently at your ribs with wiggling fingers, stops you from squirming away with another hug.
“Been thinking about a little baby with curly hair and brown eyes,” you admit quietly, mumbling against his neck.
“You been spending too much time in those photo albums with Wayne.”
“It was one afternoon. Your Mom had hundreds of photos of you, Ed. It’s sweet that he kept them, and started his own albums.”
Your fingers fiddle with the drawstrings on his hoodie as Eddie loses himself down that same path of practicality, lit by glowing reminders that he has to grow up someday soon.
“I’m gonna get those fliers for guitar lessons printed next week. Get some cash together. I have some amps I could sell…”
“Ed, you don’t have to do that.”
“I know but.. we can’t have loose wires and heavy shit around with a baby, baby.”
He smiles at the word-play and your heart swells with how much you adore him.
When your lips meet again, the tinny ring of the timer beeps on Eddie’s watch, eating up the distracted peace you had both found.
“Want me to check?” he asks, seeing the shining fear reflected back at him when he looks into your eyes.
“Yes please.”
You slip off his lap and stand, holding out your hands to help Eddie up before you perch on the side of the bath.
“One line is negative, two is positive,” you say, the pink example lines from the back of the box etched into your mind's eye.
“Okay.”
Eddie takes a deep breath. Pauses to cup your face and kiss you before going any further.
“I love you.” His eyes are sparkling, the set of his mouth more serious.
“Love you.”
“This doesn’t change that, okay? S’a fact.”
You nod and steal one more kiss before letting him go to the counter.
Eddie picks up the stick, checks under the light. You watch his face, see the shadow of conflicted confusion. You know then that it’s negative.
“One line,” he whispers, looking up at you.
You nod, coming over to stand with him. You see the one line, solitary and stark.
“Okay,” you whisper, tucking yourself under Eddie’s arm.
You can’t decide if it’s relief or loss you feel; either way, it pushes you over the edge of the precipice you have been teetering on all day and you sob.
Eddie’s hands smooth over your back in soothing strokes, up and down, as your tears soak into his hoodie. He’s not sure what to say, not quite sure how he feels. Burning pressure pushes at his eyes as he lets his cheek rest against your head.
“I don’t know how I feel,” you manage in a small voice after a few moments.
Eddie swipes your tears, the dripping snot too, and thinks you look beautiful. One day, he knows you will shed happy tears caused by two pink lines and he will kiss their salty joy away with a smile.
“We don’t need to have an answer. I think we got carried away thinkin’ huh?”
You feel bone tired, wrung out. “Yeah.”
“Let’s sleep on it.”
There’s a lingering question about your late period that you can’t fathom yet, maybe the test was a dud? Maybe your iron is low, your hormones are off. But at almost five a.m. on that chilly Sunday morning, it can wait until Monday.
You had felt every single emotion since the evening before when you realised and now that you have an answer to the question that had terrified you, thrilled you too in some small way, you felt like a popped balloon.
“I’m really tired.” Your voice sounds pathetic in your ears and it makes you grimace, feeling mad at yourself for getting so worked up.
“I know, baby. Let’s go to bed, okay? I’ve got you.” Eddie whispers his promise against your temple and bends his knees to lift you up.
“Ed…” you start to complain but you’re too tired to fight, so you wrap your legs around him and hold on.
“Shh, let me.”
Eddie is so gentle, it makes your heart hurt. He lays you down and makes sure you are cosy, leaves ever so briefly to get some water and flick off the bathroom light before joining you in bed.
With the lights off, you seek each other out, hold each other close.
You feel utterly consumed by that confusing feeling, the sad relief.
“I’m sorry.”
“Sweetheart.”
“No, I... I got us all wound up and now I feel so stupid.”
Eddie is a steady and sure anchor as your body shakes in the dark.
“You’re not stupid.” He holds you, whispering your name a little firmer to try and bring you back to him. “You have nothing to be sorry for. Please, don’t beat yourself up.”
He sows kisses along your hairline as he makes his heartfelt promises. “I meant what I said. I want the future with you, all of it.”
You just nod, promise him that you want him too, forever. Slowly the tears subside, leaving you feeling beyond exhausted.
Eddie fights sleepfulness to make sure you’re okay, already at peace with the fact that you had so much ahead to look forward, to plan.
He thinks of the antique shop windows, packed with trinkets and curios and glittering gems that you’re drawn to, like a magpie, every time you have a free afternoon to wander in the city without worry. You’re easily sidetracked by their beautiful mystery, and Eddie loves watching your awe.
He thinks of a shiny sparkle on your finger, a little ceremony or a flight to Vegas for the hell of it, and of tiny hands to hold and teach.
He thinks it will be okay.
Lulled to sleep by Eddie’s stroking hands, the warmth of all of his adoration he wraps you up in, you feel peaceful and calm, and not at all scared.
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