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bluetigerdillo · 5 months

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Why you shouldn’t go near open people: A lesson in vulnerability

He was only ever a little crush in my final year at university. His kindness, helpfulness & upright mannerisms drew me to him. I was in no place to express my crush. He was talented, well dressed, intelligent and sweet, and was friends with beautiful intelligent young women, falling short of being models due to their ambitions in creating change through architecture. I felt completely inadequate, I was aspirational & driven, but not to their extent. I thought I was cute, not nearly as beautiful as them. I wanted to create change, but I didn’t show it like they did. I assumed his disinterest, and were graduating in a few months so I knew I’d never see him again. The crush faded, and I continued to work on myself.

I’ll never forget the way my face lit up at the sight of his name on a cv my supervisors desk. I kept it to myself for a week or two, until I heard they talking about emailing him for an interview, by then I couldn’t keep it in. I texted him immediately & with vague wording told him I’m rooting for him to get the position. I didn’t tell him where it was or with who, just that I’m on the other end. He was ecstatic when receiving the email & ultimately the job. I was excited too. My little crush from university was back with me again and I couldn’t believe it.

It was his first day. He was more muscular than I remembered, I attributed it to general growth & passage of time, people change, even I was different than when he last saw me. My priority on his first day was making sure he spoke to our director who was a friendly man who enjoyed good conversation with witty people. I wanted to flaunt my friends’ worth, so Lunch seemed like a perfect opening to me. But as we went out, I noticed he kept calling me babe which was not something I was used to. ‘He’s either super into me (which I’d scoff at remembering how unlikely it was) or he’s gay’ I thought to myself. He was gay, or rather “queer” since he expressed his openness to dating a woman, but also expressed his scepticism at finding someone open to the thought of dating him. She was sat directly next to him of course. He didn’t know and at time, she didn’t know either. Over the course of the next year id come to admire him in more ways than I could count on my fingers. His charisma, tenacity, work ethic, self awareness, openness of thought, taste in music, pop culture to name a few. His respect for women struck me, his determination and drive to achieve more than a desk job, his attempts at self improvement. This wasn’t helped by the jokes he made around which I didn’t take light heartedly He would fake propose, ask me to pretend as if we were in love, he even kissed me! Suddenly the world was rose coloured. I didn’t realise how deep my admiration was, until I realised I loved him.

And I froze at the realisation. I was and still am scared of it. What does it mean for me? How will it affect him or any future we have in each others proximity? I tried to create distance, but any distance I’d create or experience from him would physically pain my heart. I’d go home to the girls, and find them laughing in the living room about their day, and I’d vent my frustrations about fallen so hard for someone I never expected to fall for. “After all, he was just a little crush I had a long time ago” I’d say. I’ve never experienced a negative physical reaction to distance from someone outside of my family like this” I’d say. This was new to me. Uncomfortable. on days he wasn’t in, I spin in my office chair to look at his desk, I’d leave him little notes, I’d bring him treats from home. I would see no one but him in a room full of people and they could see how much I loved him, I’d imagine they thought it was sweet but sad on my part and they laugh a little admirably, remembering their own crushes. I could see their subtle looks toward each other every time I held his hand a little too long or said something that in hindsight wasn’t completely appropriate in an office environment. I didn’t care because on some level I still thought I was doing a pretty good job at hiding my affection.

My rosé coloured glasses grew increasingly tinted as time went on and eventually I noticed a withdrawal from him. One from a state of reciprocity to one in which he withheld his touch until one day in January when instead of him holding my hand, I reached out to home his. I caught myself doing something that was second nature to me since the 10 months he joined. I would find myself texting him more, he would reply less. I found myself reaching for his hand or gesturing for a hug and he’d just stand there. All he has to do was exist in the same space as me, and I’d fawn over him, head over heals obsessed. I still knew there was very little chance he’d like me back, even if he was slightly open to the idea of dating women, I still didn’t imagine I’d be the one he’d turn to. I knew my feelings were unrequited but I didn’t care, I wanted to embrace my current condition because I was the happiest I’d been in a very long time. Everyone could see it. I made a conscious decision to ignore his neutrality toward my actions around him, and I accepted that it was to my detriment. I went to print something in the other room. It was mid-February, Valentine’s Day, already dark outside. We were all supposed to be getting ready to leave the office, but due to a deadlines we were all staying late. I got up to print something in the other room. He thought I left. I had been particularly touchy with him that day and as he was leaving he told the girls he thought I misunderstood a gesture of his. they all laughed.

I didn’t misunderstand anything except how how much reliance and trust I could place in him. I knew that he knew about my feelings and from conversations with him I knew he was used to it. Whilst I understood his expression of frustration to people I didn’t know, I really thought he wouldn’t talk about it with people I knew. The false narrative that I knowingly built came crashing down with what I thought was a complete betrayal of my trust and over the next couple of months, I began the process of distancing myself from him. I blocked him on WhatsApp and pretended nothing had changed, not realising he knew what I had done. I removed him from social media, thinking that if his life was a busy and fulfilling and brimming with love from friends as he described, he wouldn’t notice that either. He did. I knew I still had to get along with him at work, so I remained cordial. It lasted almost weeks the first time. He hugged me, expressed his confusion and told me I was like his sister. I was relieved at some clarity on what he thought my role in his life was, and proceeded to act as one until I began to notice myself falling back into the same habits. I withdrew again, this time for a month, bobbing back down for the same chemical rosey relief I had felt for him like the addict I clearly was, but generally keeping a distance that was close to safety, but not within its threshold yet. The third time I felt more like a sister to him, and yelled at him before withdrawing by expressing anger at some other points of contention I had with him. My first fight with him. We discussed our issues, reminded each other of the admiration we had for each other and I hugged him. It was a annoying process to talk through it, as he perhaps unknowingly revealed his flaws, painting himself as someone who could do no wrong. I conceded at wanting it to be over and though it was open, what was previously a grassy green pasture for us to run in, was now barren, full of dunes and there was a line in the sand. He was on one side, me on the other. Over the next couple of months, as I created more distance and pondered over what happened the past year, the dunes turned to white, and the sand turned into glass partition. A barrier between us, that got thicker and thicker as time progressed, now there is a considerable distance.

I can see him in the other side of the glass sat at his desk drawing on trace, mind his own business, as he always has. I look at him with the same neutrality he expressed to me for a while and I remember the girl that ran after him with fondness. After a life of distress, she was finally happy, if only for a little while. She felt the fragrant flutter of an angel wing as it flew close enough to examine her readiness to enter the heaven she takes the two in love. Of course the Angel deemed her unready, and flew away. But the young girl, enchanted by the Angel and the heaven they promised, decided that she, for first time would be open to real love.

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yoan-portfolio · 9 months

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The Fiction of Online Dating

Are we just writing a fantasy novel through texts?

As a dating app addict with a PhD in disappointment, I’ve had my fair share of trying to romanticise hopeless situations. I’ve been an unpaid psychologist, a trauma dumpster and so many other things that I just wish I could put down as job experience on my CV, since that’s what they feel like – work, that isn’t your classic 9 to 5.

And I blame myself – there’s something so enticing about turning men online into a cute little arts and crafts project! It can be hard to imagine this person residing in your phone has a life of their own. So you give them one – which coincidentally is everything you need in a partner. My best friend summarised the phenomenon perfectly:

“We fall in love with the potential of what someone could be. It sounds selfish, but when you’re online you don’t think about this person’s life, just how they can fit into yours.

“Then as soon as you find out this person is separate from the idea of them in your head, you feel disappointed.”

However, when it comes to online dating, are we all just volunteering as fiction writers?

Once you fall into a routine of doing the same thing and seeing the same people, meeting people “organically” feels almost impossible. No matter how much I manifest the cute Tesco cashier asking me out, dating apps still feel like the best bet – an easy way to find someone who is a romantic interest – nothing more or less.

It’s so easy as well – it’s like if you could put a filter on dating IRL. No getting the ick (unless they are REALLY bad at texting), no more seeing your date trip on the street… It’s a reduction of attraction to lines of text, which you can interpret in a way that’s convenient to you.

While it’s fun at first, after you’ve ghosted half of your matches, you might want to meet your newest cyber crush. And this is where the fantasy comes crumbling.

The person you have fantasised over and seemed perfect over text is hardly ever what you expect. Sooner or later you are faced with the harsh reality – dating apps are more than a game, and it’s not a Player 2 on the other side.

When meeting people in an online bubble, they are more of an attractive concept. When things get serious and the fantasy novel we’ve been writing in our Snapchat DMs ends, we may find ourselves repulsed by the completely human qualities of the person next to us.

And if you think the “D” in dating stands for “Disaster”, you’re not the only one. 45% of users say they felt frustrated from online dating, 35% say dating platforms made them feel pessimistic, and 25% say using the platform made them feel insecure.

Is online dating just a race to disappointment then? Not necessarily.

Worst case scenario – it can be a learning experience. Forget about your cousin and her boyfriend who show up at family dinners and make it all seem so easy! Take the opportunity to learn more about yourself – what you enjoy and what you are looking for in a relationship.

Be honest with your date – be upfront about what you are searching for in a partner. It’s a good conversation starter and can save you the frustration of finding out they want to sleep around or hate dogs on your fifth date.

Do you always feel let down by your matches? Maybe it’s time to tone down your standards, go out of your comfort zone. Grab a coffee with someone who isn’t usually your type. Once you learn to let go of your fantasies, you will find it is easy to appreciate something about nearly everyone you meet.

And most importantly – have fun! Nobody said dating needs to be serious. Enjoy the process and take your time, gush over your success and laugh at your failures.

Like, did you really want to get married to your Tinder match at 22 anyway?

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gammija · 3 years

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The final Web!Martin evidence list

Now that canon is done, and we’ve got word of god confirmation that Web!Martin wasn’t complete nonsense, I decided to go back to my lil chronological evidence list and actually clean it up a bit, delete parts that in hindsight weren't all that indicative, and put everything in a slightly more readable format. (Obligatory disclaimer that i don’t and never did believe or advocate for some kind of evil web!martin, and that I'm not intending to connect a moral judgement to martin (or anyone else for that matter) having some of these traits)

So here: The (hopefully, please) final list with Web!Martin Evidence! Presented in order of importance, according to. me

The final (hopefully) Web!Martin evidence list

(In order from most to least obvious)

Spiders

I mean, it’s called the Web. TMA reiterates quite a few times that Martin liked spiders. Sometimes it IS that easy.

MAG022: Martin: "I like spiders. Big ones, at least. Y’know, y’know the ones you can see some fur on; I actually think they’re sort of cute -"

MAG038: | Sasha: "A spider?" Jon: "Yeah. I tried to kill it…" [...] Sasha: [Chuckles] "Well, I won’t tell Martin." Jon: "Oh, god. I don’t think I could stand another lecture on their importance to the ecosystem."

MAG059: Jon: "I have done my best to prevent Martin reading this statement in too much detail. I have no interest in having another argument about spiders."

MAG079: Jon: "Apparently, biologically, his account of the spiders doesn’t make any sense according to Martin."

MAG197: Martin: “What? Because I like spiders? Well, used to.”

Lies and subterfuge

Martin is able to use lying and subterfuge to achieve his goals, and is called manipulative a few times.

Lies:

MAG022: Martin: "[He] became slightly more co-operative after I lied to him and told him that one of the upstairs residents had buzzed me in."

MAG056: Martin: "I lied on my CV."

MAG158: Peter: “But you said –” Martin: “Honestly, I mostly just said what I thought you wanted to hear.”

MAG164: Jon: "You – I actually believed you!"

MAG189: Martin: “Sorry. Sorry, John. Not sure how much everything up there actually understood what was going on. But, y’know, I didn’t want to take any chances so it made sense to… um…” Jon: “Put on a show?” Martin: “Yeah, basically, more or less.”

MAG191: Martin: "That's not true." Arun: "Liar!"

Subterfuge:

The plan in 118, which revolved around convincing Elias that Martin was only “acting out”, to create a distraction for Melanie. (Also compare the way he evades giving a straight answer here with the way Annabelle talks in 196.)

Working with Peter in s4 under false pretenses, to distract him from Jon and eventually try to learn what Peter wanted.

Manipulation accusations:

These, I know, are somewhat contentious, since it’s mostly villains saying this to him. I’m still including them, since

1): From a media analysis standpoint, being mentioned 3 times is a sign to pay attention, even when it may not be the full truth.

2): I only see it as describing Martin’s behaviour in the previous points, not as a moral judgement; Especially since he almost always ‘manipulates’ people in positions of power over him.

Still, if it bothers anyone, feel free to ignore these.

MAG138: Martin: "That’s it? No, no monologue, no mind games? You love manipulating people!" Elias: "That makes two of us."

MAG186: Martin: “I can be a real manipulative prick, you know that?” Also Martin: “Oh yeah.”

MAG196: Annabelle: “Because you always managed to get what you wanted through smiles and shrugs and stammerings that weren’t nearly as awkward as they seemed.” [SMALL SOUND OF MARTIN’S CONCESSION TO THE POINT] Martin: “Point taken.”

The Lonely/the Web

The Lonely and the Web sometimes affect Martin to similar degrees.

In season 3, when Martin is getting used to reading statements for the first time, most of them leave him emotionally affected: MAG084, MAG088, MAG090,

MAG095: Martin: “S-S-Statement… done.” [HEAVY BREATHING & TREMBLING AS MARTIN STEADIES HIMSELF] “I don’t like recording these. There. I-I said it.”,

MAG098: Martin: [Panting] “End of statement.” [Deep breath] “I, um, I think I might need to sit down. Oh. Yeah, I am. Right. I don’t, uh, I’m not really sure if these are actually getting easier or harder. I mean I don’t feel –”

Only the last two statements he reads are remarkably easier. This might be a hint that Martin is just getting used to reading them, but the quote from MAG098 seems to contradict that. Either way, it’s likely not a coincidence that those last two happen to be the Lonely and the Web:

MAG108: Martin: “Statement ends.” (exhale) “That wasn’t so bad…”

MAG110: Martin: “Statement ends.” [...] “I mean, I think it sounds like a Jurgen Leitner book. About spiders. Hm. Good John didn’t have to read this one, anyway. I know he’s not a fan. Although, this one wasn’t too bad, actually! I – yeah. Anyway.”

In season 5, there are two powers’ Domains that actually affected Martin mentally, as opposed to only physically: the Lonely’s, in 170 (and arguably 186), and, depending on your interpretation, in 172, when Martin went exploring without knowing why he did so.

Proximity

Martin investigates a lot of the Web statements during season 1 to 3 (in other words, when the archive team still researches statements). The only ones he isn’t mentioned in during this period are MAG019 and MAG020, when he’s being harrassed by worms, and MAG081, which Jon records by himself outside of the institute.

Most notably, he’s the one who discovered the statement in MAG114, ‘Cracked Foundations’, which is the one statement in the entire show that sets up the interdimensional properties of HTR.

The Web!Lighter passed through Martin's hands first, before he gave it to Jon.

Similarly, Annabelle mostly spoke to Martin in season 5, despite most other Avatars usually focusing on Jon.

Aesthetics

Apart from the above obviously Web related areas, there are some other aesthetics which are mentioned in connection to both the Web and Martin, throughout canon.

These are describing the Web;

These are describing Martin.

Tapes:

Martin is the only character to treat the tape recorders as friends - any other character is either indifferent, or treats them as enemies.

MAG039: Martin: "I think the tapes have a sort of… low-fi charm."

MAG154 Martin: “Oh. Hi. Hello again.” … (small laugh) “Sorry pal, false alarm this time.”

MAG156 Martin: “Mm? Oh.” [HE LAUGHS, GENTLY.] “Yeah. (rustling paper) I was going to read one. Hate for you to miss it!” [SHORT, FORCED LAUGH, AS HE FLAPS THE STATEMENT AROUND.]

MAG170 Martin: “Oh. Oh, hello. What’s this? Wow, retro! What are you up to, little buddy; just – listening? That’s okay. It’s nice to have someone to talk to.”

MAG190 Jon: "[The tapes] seem to like [Martin]."

Retro:

MAG069: Statement: “I only saw Annabelle Cane once during this period. She wasn’t hard to pick out. She dressed like a vintage clothing store exploded on her, and her short bleach-blonde hair stood out sharply against dark skin.”

MAG160: Jon: “Anyways, don’t tell me the phonebox down there doesn’t appeal to your retro aesthetic.” Martin: “It – might. Maybe.”

MAG163: Annabelle/the Web callying Martin via an old payphone: [ A PHONE RINGS. IT’S NOT THE TINNY, ELECTRONIC SOUND OF A CELLPHONE – NO, THIS IS A TRUE, HEAVY, CLASSIC RING.] Martin: “Uh. John? Uh, J, John – the, uh, payphone that’s – here, for some reason – it’s ringing?”

Hatred of burns:

MAG067: Jack Barnabas’ statement: “I looked up and noticed within the corner of the room, where there had been a spider’s web this morning, there was just a faint wisp of smoke.” “Another held a bag that seemed to be full of candles, while a third had a clear plastic container filled with hundreds of tiny spiders.”

MAG139: Statement by member of Cult of the Lightless Flame: “The Mother of Puppets has always suffered at our hand; all the manipulation and subtle venom in the world means nothing against a pure and unrestrained force of destruction and ruin.” Agnes burned down Hilltop Road.

MAG145: The Web ties Gertrude to Agnes, stopping the Desolation’s ritual (the only Power whose ritual the Web is known to have prevented).

MAG167: Gertrude enlists Agnes’/the Desolation’s help in order to burn her assistant Emma, who was Web aligned.

MAG169: Martin: "Look, I just – don’t want to get burned, all right? It’s, it’s like my least favorite pain ever. [...] I, I legitimately hate burns, alright? They’re, they’re awful, and they scar horribly, and they just – it – it just makes me sick; I, I hate it. Hate it!"

Phrasing:

MAG039: Martin: "I’m trapped here. It’s like I can’t… move on and the more I struggle, the more I’m stuck. [...] It's just that whatever web these statements have caught you in, well, I’m there too. We all are, I think."

MAG079: Martin's poem: "The threads of people walking, living, lovi–"

MAG117: Martin: "This last couple of years, I’ve always been running, always hiding, caught in someone else’s trap, but, but now it’s my trap, and, well, I think it’ll work. I know, I know it’s not exactly intricate, but it felt good leaving my own little web. Oh, oh, Christ, I hope John doesn’t actually listen to these. “Good lord, is Martin becoming some sort of spider person?” No, John, it’s an expression, chill out! Besides, spiders are fine. I mean, yes, people are scared of them, obviously, but actual spiders, they just want to help you out with flies."

MAG167: Jon: “Methinks the Spider dost protest too much.” Martin: “Jon –” Jon: “Joking! Just joking.”

Personality:

How applicable these are depends heavily on how you interpret Martin's own personality, so your mileage may vary.

MAG008: Statement: “Nobody ever said a word against Raymond himself, though, who was by all accounts a kind and gentle soul [...]”

MAG123: Jon: "The Web does seem to have a preference for those who prefer not to assert themselves."

MAG147: Annabelles statement: "I discovered a deep and enduring talent inside myself for lying. [...] My manipulations were not intricate, but they were far beyond what was expected of a child my age, and I have always believed that the key to manipulating people is to ensure that they always under- or overestimate you. Never reveal your true abilities or plans."

Word of God and Annabelle

I kinda wanted to ‘prove’ that Web!Martin had quite a bit of evidence to back it up, hence this header being last. But of course, in this post-canon world, there are a few lines that most obviously confirm the theory:

MAG197: Martin is Web enough to be able to read the 'vibrations', like Annabelle, and see Jon and Basira (the latter being especially notable, as he hadn't known she was there beforehand): [CHITTERING, BUZZING AND HIGH-PITCHED SQUEALS CHANGE CADENCE] Martin: "Wait… Wait, hang on, is that him?" Annabelle: "Yes. I guess you’re better with the Web than we thought." Martin: "And – Wait, ha– No, uh… is that… Basira? He – He’s got Basira with him!" Annabelle: "Yes."

Season 5 Q&A part 2: Jonny: “Essentially, it was fascinating looking at the fandom and, like, the Web!Martin believers, because what they were doing was correctly picking up on hints dropped in the early seasons that were later, like, not exactly abandoned, but it was much more like, ‘Well, no, he does have like aspects of The Web to him, but he is moreover The Lonely.’ And that came about very… very organically, really. Because throughout Season 3 and going into Season 4, we had this conversation and we were like, ‘No, actually he's like-” Alex: “‘It can't be, it cannot be, it must be the other way round’ Yeah.”

(Note that they say “throughout season 3 and going into season 4,” which likely means that season 1, season 2, and at least part of season 3, aka half of the entire show, were written with Web!Martin as an intentional possibility.)

If you read all that, thanks so much! Obviously, Web!Martin never really came to fruition, so it's fine if you still don't like it. This is just a post explaining where it was coming from, at least for me and the other theorists I've spoken to.

#the magnus archives #magnus archives #tma #tma s5 #web!martin #web martin #webmartin #or as jonny called it:#spider!martin #tma theory #tma meta #martin blackwood #martin k blackwood #martin #tma martin #magnuspod #i feel like i say this every time too but #when i say martin lies a lot i dont mean that #in comparison to 'normal people'#i mean that in canon he gets specifically mentioned to lie; at a higher rate than the other protagonists #ditto for everything else. im not speaking about real life people who might have these traits. im doing a media analysis #my own real life bedroom curtains being blue dont mean im depressed but in media sometimes aesthetic themes can be deeper signifiers #and tma especially has some very strong aesthetic themes #ok i think im done talking now. webmartin theories always get me rambling #EDIT: oops i changed a part on mobile and now the formatting is a bit fucked #ill fix it back tomorrow #if anyone cares #EDIT EDIT: ok fixed it

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hydra-collector · 3 years

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Jam

AO3

Ship: Loceit

Characters: Logan Sanders, Janus Sanders, Roman and Virgil briefly mentioned

TW: self-harm, eating disorders (sort of), food, overworking, body negativity

Words: 1773

Summary: Jam is a bit of a comfort to Logan, no matter how stupid it feels. And God, does he need comfort.

Note: College AU

Logan stared into the blue light of his computer, eyes heavy and head aching. The bright LED of the kitchen wasn’t helping, but he forced himself to stay due to Janus sleeping soundly in their bedroom. If his boyfriend knew he was up this late, he would surely force him back into bed, Logan’s work left unfinished.

He was trying. He really was. But he’d barely made any progress after… how many hours has it been?

He glanced to the clock on the bottom right of his computer. Three.

Logan sighed, resting his head on the table instead, stomach growling. He often spent nights like this, hungry and tired, refusing to eat under the guise of not wanting to go to sleep while digesting. That excuse barely held anymore, though, due to the fact that he kept his dinners lighter than breakfasts, and was often up for, well, three or more hours later each night. So he grew hungry quick, and he used to opt for the easy option of jam and bread. But he couldn’t be gorging himself in the middle of the night like that anymore, or really any time of day.

Come to think of it, he hadn’t had a jar of Crofter’s in a long while.

That was fine. It was unnecessary, and more expensive than other brands. Plus, jam wasn’t really the best filler for the fruit in his diet. And he wasn’t keeping up with healthy eating habits much anymore anyway.

It was fine. He needed to lose weight after all.

He squeezed his eyes shut at the twinge of guilt bubbling up in his chest. He would give anything for Janus’s help, but the thought of telling his boyfriend that he’s worried about something that isn’t even that serious terrified him. It wasn’t difficult to eat, he just did less of it. He needed to, that wasn’t unhealthy.

It was fine.

He sighed again, headache finally starting to recede as his eyes were shut tight on his arms. He knew this wasn’t healthy. He tracked every action he took, and he knew he wasn’t healthy, physically or emotionally. He knew exactly which advice to give to someone going through the exact same things, performing the exact same self-destructive tendencies.

So why couldn’t he apply that knowledge to himself?

Even right now he was writing a paper on psychology, you’d think he knew enough not to live his life like he was a depressed preteen.

Nothing was ever good enough for his own standards. Not his work, not his body, and not Crofter’s.

Why the hell did he care so much about a jelly brand?

He groaned, kicking his legs and pounding the table like a six year old throwing a tantrum. He lifted his head up to lean back in the chair, suddenly reminded why he buried it in his arms in the first place.

“Lo?”

He jumped at the sound, shutting his computer screen, more due to impulse than to rational thought. Janus would have already realized what he was doing, there was nothing to avoid it.

His boyfriend ambled in his direction, pale nightgown swishing around his ankles.

“It’s one in the morning, love.”

Janus pulled up a chair beside him, the sound cutting through the peaceful quiet of the night. Logan couldn’t help but tense at the arm snaking around his back, Janus’s forearm pressing against his belly fat. Soon, though, he relaxed into the touch, letting his eyes close for another moment.

“How often have you been doing this?”

“...Not too often.”

Janus nuzzled his head into Logan’s hair. “I know you’re lying. You wake up late and exhausted every morning.”

Logan sighed, nodding slightly. There was no point in trying to further his lie, he hated himself enough as it is, he didn’t need Janus hating him too.

“You wanna talk about it?”

Logan pulled his head off of Janus’s shoulder, slumping down in the chair to look up at him with tired eyes.

“What?”

Janus threaded his fingers through Logan’s hair, looking down with a soft, worried expression. “How your daily routines are borderlining on self-harm.”

Logan nearly felt himself choke at the term. It was everything he’d tried to avoid, everything he tried to convince himself he was not.

“I’m not- I don’t-”

Janus sighed. “You eat half your meals, you pinch or punch yourself when you get frustrated, and you refuse every offer to socialize you’re given while you isolate yourself with your work, all while beating yourself up over it.”

“Janus, I have to get my work done. I don’t have time to ‘hang out’ with people, that’s why I’m up at one in the morning trying to finish this. Imagine how it would be if I had wasted two hours of that with Roman or Virgil? And I don’t intentionally punch myself, I just need something to vent my frustration onto, and since everyone else gets frustrated if I slam a door or mutilate some random object, I don’t have many options but myself. I always regret it afterwards, it’s not like I want to keep doing it. And I realized I’m not at the ideal weight, so I cut down on some of the unhealthy things-”

“It’s not just the unhealthy things, Lo, you know that too. You’ve done your research on weight statistics and how societal norms set an unattainable goal, you don’t need to do this. You don’t even eat Crofter’s anymore.”

“I don’t need Crofter’s. It’s stupid, it’s just a jam.”

“It might be just a jam, but it’s still important to you. I know how you’ve eaten that stuff during the best and worst times of your life, how attached you are to it. It’s your comfort. And it’s okay to have little comforts. It’s okay to have ‘stupid’ comforts. It’s okay to feel bad about them. Things don’t need a reason for making you happy. You’re pushing out everything else that makes you happy right now, why not let yourself have one thing?”

Logan looked up at Janus. “Happiness is the most distracting thing. I don’t need it now, not when I have so much to do.”

Janus laughed, the sound breaking the quiet.

“I think that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard you say. We’re going to CVS.”

Janus grabbed him by the wrist, putting on a coat and shoes as they stumbled out the door. He remembered his wallet and keys, stuffing them in his coat pocket.

“Wait- Janus, I can’t-”

He didn’t have much of a choice as he was dragged out into the cool night- morning air. Janus pulled him into the car, turning the key quick and driving off into the dark.

“So why are we going to CVS in our pajamas?”

“To get you Crofter’s.”

“Janus, can’t that wait until tomorrow-”

“You won’t come tomorrow. I have to bring you when you’re tired and helpless, so you won’t resist.”

“So you’re kidnapping me?”

“I wouldn’t phrase it like that…”

Despite the irritation caused by his boyfriend, Logan smiled. It was rare that he believed, or really even let himself hope, that he was loved. And now that Janus had decided to throw all plans of sleeping out the figurative window just to get him something he liked… it was a bit easier to consider.

He was reminded of his hunger as his stomach growled in pain, not just hungry but deprived of food for the previous day as well. He looked out the window, streetlights passing by as they drove.

“We’re here.”

“Hm?”

Logan opened his eyes, not knowing when he’d closed them. He was scrunched up against the door in an unadvised position. He might as well have not been wearing a seatbelt at all, based on the way he was sitting.

He was snapped back to reality when Janus brushed his hand.

“You’re very cute, love, but you do have to get out of the car.”

Logan did so, suddenly wishing that he’d worn more than his pajamas as his skin met cold air, as well as realizing that anyone out could see him in such unprofessional clothes. He seemed to have forgotten in his sleep deprived state. Hopefully the cashier wouldn’t remember them from this outing.

Janus laced their fingers together, pulling him closer as they approached the 24-hour store.

The inside was warmer than the shockingly cool air of the night. The lights inside were tinted blue, reminiscent of his bright computer screen. Janus led him through the aisles, finding the jam fairly quickly.

“Take your pick.”

They didn’t have too many flavors here; they were lucky that they sold the brand at all. Logan sighed.

“This feels stupid.”

“There’s nothing stupid about it. Now come on, just choose a jar.”

He sighed again, but with a smile this time, picking up a jar of blackberry. Janus didn’t let go of his hand the entire time as they paid, Logan leaning into Janus’s touch as they left.

They arrived home soon, the exhaustion finally setting in Logan’s body. Janus held him by the waist, guiding him inside to sit back down at the table. He took Logan’s computer away, likely to their room, before returning. Logan sat there, head on his arms, just staring at the jar.

“Do you want toast?” Janus asked, hanging his coat back up before returning to Logan.

Logan kept staring. “No. Just a spoon.”

Janus got him one, handing it across the table as he sat down. Logan opened it, beginning to hungrily shovel the jam into his mouth. Janus just sat there, waiting for him to finish.

He paused halfway through, slumping back and setting his jam down, spoon still sitting in it.

“This is stupid. I’m a grown man sitting in the kitchen at two in the morning with my boyfriend eating an entire jar of jam because I’m insecure.”

“Is there something wrong with that?”

Logan looked back down at his jam. “I guess not. It just feels stupid.”

“Like I said, it’s your comfort. It’s not stupid to have comforts, plus you’re a fan of consistency. Crofter’s is something that you keep consistent. Now eat your jam.”

Logan smiled softly, leaning back down to finish his jar. He did so messily, not bothering to stand up and get a napkin when he was finished. Janus stood to get it himself, tilting Logan’s head up to dab at the sweet substance. He then placed a quick kiss on Logan’s lips, tugging him up by the collar of his pajamas. He stood, leaning against his boyfriend as they made their way to bed.

#loceit #logan sanders #janus sanders #logan angst #sanders sides #ts fic #ts logan #ts janus #ts sides #sanders sides fic #ts fanfiction #grays fics

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tiffdawg · 4 years

Text

Curriculum Vitae: Prologue

Gif: @javier-pena

curriculum Vitae: noun cur·ric·u·la vi·tae Latin. the course of one's life.

Pairing: Javier Peña x Reader (fem; no y/n)

Word Count: 1.8k

Rated: M - rating will go up | Warnings: Period-typical sexism, angst, mild language.

Story Summary: After leaving Colombia and retiring from the DEA, Javier Peña steps into a new role as a university professor. A woman with multiple degrees and more books than you can count, you meet Javier as you similarly struggle with the future of your career. Despite your odds, the two of you find something you need in each other during uncertain times.

A/N: So, the idea of Professor Peña has been on my mind lately (is this because I, myself, am pursing a career in academia? who’s to say ) and this multi-chapter, semi-slowburn, enemies/idiots-colleagues-friends-lovers story is the result. Just in case, I wanted to be clear that this story won’t be about a student-teacher dynamic – I went in a totally different direction. This will be a playful, sexy romance full of dreamy images of our favorite DEA agent turned university professor set against the backdrop of Los Angeles of the 1990s. I also want to note that UCLA is about to take some hits in this story, specifically the sociology department, but it’s just for the plot. I’m a UC alumna myself so mad respect any bruins out there! Anyway, I’ve already fallen in love with this story and I’m so excited to share it with you!

Read on AO3

CV Masterlist | My Masterlist

... . ...

Prologue

Checking your reflection in a nearby window, you straightened your blouse and mentally prepared yourself to knock on the imposing door in front of you. Your top was sticking to you in all the wrong places, probably from your nerves as much as the dry heat of August in Los Angeles and you really wished the university would be a bit more forthcoming with the air conditioning. The chair of the sociology department usually opted to pass along information via a memo, phone call, or through the office’s shared secretary, the latter being his preferred method. You knew it wasn’t good when he called you personally to ask for a meeting.

Steeling yourself, you rapped your knuckles against the old wooden door and listened for the brusque enter from your boss.

“Good morning, Dr. Campbell,” you announced politely, “You wanted to speak with me?”

“Ah, yes! Please come in.” He gestured to the overstuffed leather chair across from his wide mahogany desk and you sat yourself on the edge of the seat, crossing your legs at your ankles. His spacious office was lined with rows upon rows of well-read books and shelves stocked with awards and accolades. He was an intimidating man on a good day, but this was torture. You watched attentively as he cleared his throat and shuffled a few loose papers around on his desk before finally looking up at you through the thin wire glasses perched on the bridge of his nose, seemingly intent on drawing out the awkward interaction for as long as possible. “I’m afraid I have some rather sour news for you, miss.”

Gritting your teeth, you ignored his gaffe; whether the man never remembered your proper title or just refused to acknowledge it, you’d never know, although you had your suspicions. At that precise moment, it was the rest of his statement that unnerved you.

“I’m sorry to hear that, sir. Concerning what, exactly?” you prompted, hoping he would take the bait and get this over with already. He was a man known for being a bit long-winded.

“Well, your tenure,” he said with an exasperated sigh. “Or lack thereof, pardon my candor.”

… . …

You needed to get off that godforsaken campus.

Hastily unlocking the door to your office, letting it fling open without much concern for the wall behind it, you stomped in with a little less decorum than you usually maintained at work. You threw open your bottom desk drawer and dug out your crossbody purse and large tote, tossing both carelessly onto your desk, and then proceeded to shove a few of the books and notepads strewn about your cramped workspace into your bag. You would work on your lectures for the upcoming quarter at home over the weekend, too upset to stay at the university for a second longer than you absolutely had to.

As you made your exit, the framed degrees you’d proudly hung on your wall caught your eye. You could’ve sworn they were glaring at you, taunting you.

“Useless. All three of you.”

… . …

“You are an exemplary lecturer, instructor, and researcher, and the university is fortunate to have you among our prestigious faculty,” Dr. Campbell droned on, clearly trying to soften the blow.

“However?”

“The department cannot offer you a tenured position at this time.” He rested his forearms on his desk, his bony fingers forming a pointed steeple.

You drew in a deep breath of air and dug your nails into the soft flesh of your palm, sure to leave ugly crescent moons. “I’m not sure I understand, sir,” you ground out. “This is my sixth year as an assistant professor. I was offered this professorship with the understanding that it was a tenure-track position and last year when I was overlooked for tenure, I was well-assured that this year would be different.”

The man across from you sighed again, clearly not enjoying the fact that he had to deal with an angry woman. “I am aware of the situation, lest you forget I was the one who offered you this position in the first place.”

“Then can I ask what’s changed?”

“In all honesty, the matter is out of my hands,” he placated. “This directive is coming from the dean’s office. Beyond our department, the school of social sciences is offering fewer positions this year and diverting funds elsewhere, hopefully, if I may be so bold to suggest, to services beneficial to our rapidly increasing student population.”

It took every ounce of willpower you had not to roll your eyes at his explanation. “And are competent, contented professors not beneficial to our students?”

“Well, the sociology department is being gifted a rather impressive visiting lecturer for the year.”

… . …

“Beneficial to our students?” Beverly scoffed into her end of the receiver. If there was anyone in the world you could count on to be even angrier for you than yourself, it was her. Not only was she your best friend in Los Angeles – actually, at this point, probably the world – but she worked in student services and understood university politics even better than you did. “God, I can’t believe that pretentious asshole had the gall to say that to you.”

“You’re telling me,” you mumbled, precariously cradling the phone to your ear with a shoulder as you set the timer on your microwave oven.

“And I’m still shocked that they’re doing this to you again,” she continued, “The department promised you tenure. Literally, promised. I remember you telling me word for word what was said at that meeting last fall.”

“Oh, don’t worry so do I.” You sniffed at a second container of leftovers, making a face when you decided the crispy tofu and Chinese broccoli hadn’t survived a few days in the fridge nearly as well as the veggie curry. “I think I etched that conversation into my brain because some part of me knew this was going to happen.” You resealed the container and moved to throw it away, only making it halfway across your kitchen before the phone cord pulled taut and nearly drugged you backwards. “Shit, hold on.”

You picked up the receiver just as your microwave beeped and you were fairly certain Beverly was laughing at you. She’d been on enough calls where you actually did overextend yourself and drop the phone to know exactly what had happened.

“So, what are you going to do?” she asked.

“I don’t know. Sulk, probably.”

“Nah, that doesn’t sound like you,” she challenged. “I’ve worked at that university for nearly a decade and to this day you’re one of the most determined, hard-working, dedicated professors I’ve ever met.”

“Bev-”

“No! Scratch that. One of the most determined, hard-working, dedicated people I’ve ever met anywhere in my entire life.”

You chuckled as you stirred the remnants of your red curry and jasmine rice. “What would I ever do without you?”

“You still haven’t answered my question,” she scolded, “But that’s alright because I’m going to tell you what you’re going to do.”

“Why does that not surprise me?” you quipped.

“I’m going to ignore the sarcasm, this time, okay?”

“Yes, ma’am.” You knew not to argue when she was using her mom voice on you.

“Now, listen carefully. You’re going to throw yourself into your work, as you are so prone to doing, and make this your best year yet. I’m talking professor-of-the-decade worthy.”

“I don’t think that’s a real thing,” you said with a laugh.

“You know what I mean! And I’m not finished so stop interrupting me.” She paused to make sure you were done being cheeky. “You’re going to make this your best goddamn year of teaching, research, mentorship, and whatever else it is you do, and if they don’t offer you tenure at the end of it, you’re going to remember your worth and then go where that’ll be appreciated. UCLA be damned.”

You were quiet for a long moment as you considered your words. They pulled at something hidden inside of you and were simultaneously encouraging and deeply uncomfortable. “I can’t just-”

“You can. You’re free to do whatever you need to do for yourself, and you should. There’s nothing tying you here. No family, no kids, no tenure-track, that’s for sure.” You swallowed around a lump forming in your throat and ran a hand over your face. “You still there, sweetie?”

“Yeah,” you said, switching the receiver to your other ear. “Yeah, and you’re right. I know you’re right.”

“Of course I am.” You could practically see the grin on her face. “If they don’t have the money to make you an associate professor, at the very least, then you should go somewhere that will.”

“That’s the best part. I’m pretty sure they do. The department is bringing in a new visiting lecturer so you can’t tell me they don’t have some discretionary funds.”

“Really? Who?”

You moaned. “One of the guys who brought down Pablo Escobar. It’s a fucking publicity stunt.”

“Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse.” There was a crash on the other end of the line followed by an ear-piercing shriek. “I’m really sorry babe, but I gotta go. Henry’s going to be home soon and I’m making dinner and the baby’s crying and I think the other two are trying to kill each other. Again.”

“Oh, no. Go take care of your family. I’m sorry I called – I didn’t realize how late it was.”

“No, I’m so glad you did. I was worried when you didn’t show up at our usual spot for lunch today. Anyway, I’m sure this will all work out in the end somehow. I’ll see you Monday.”

You hung up the landline, silencing the dial tone. You scanned your empty apartment, your eyes dancing between the random stacks of books, your cluttered dual-purpose kitchen table/worktop, and your makeshift bedroom partially partitioned from the rest of the studio. You exhaled and skewered a few rapidly cooling vegetables onto your fork as you thought over Beverly’s words. Your whole life fit inside these four walls. There wasn’t anything tying you down besides your hope that your hard work would finally be rewarded. While that should’ve been reassuring, it just tore at your already broken heart.

This couldn’t be all there was for you.

Something had to change.

A spunky bark pulled you from your spiraling thoughts. “Is it dinner time for you too, Sunny?”

A second bark and a wagging tail confirmed your suspicion.

Well, at least you weren’t entirely on your own.

... . ...

Thanks for reading! 💕

... . ...

Tag List: @leo-moon @readsalot73

#javier peña #javier peña x reader #javier pena x you #javier peña smut #javier peña fanfiction #narcos #my fic #my writing #fic: curriculum vitae

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mist-over-water · 4 years

Text

Decade in Review.

2010.

One of the newest members in my group of friends began spreading lies about me, saying that I had been bitching about everyone behind their back. I hadn’t obviously, but they believed her, and in the space of a day, I had lost all of the friends I had made in my five years during high school. My first lesson of the decade: if I have something to say to someone, just say it!

I left high school, with one friend, whom I had had since primary school. I passed all of my GCSEs, and I began sixth form. I was part of the first year to attend this sixth form, and it was exciting to help work out the kinks, and I got to study two different types of English (language and literature), photography and sociology.

After my brothers’ girlfriend had suffered a miscarriage the previous year, she got pregnant again, and my twin nieces (Ellie and Layla) were born; they were premature, but oh so perfect, and changed my life, honestly.

I went to North Carolina, and spent my sixteenth birthday there, where I met my best online friend. I had an amazing time, and again, it was an experience that changed my life forever.

I stopped speaking to my dad, for many reasons; that’s such a long story, that now’s not the time.

My mum’s boyfriend moved in, and began a seven year story of abuse.

2011.

I met four of my best friends; they changed me so much for the better. WE shared some good memories, some of which I still cry reminiscing on to this day.

After getting scolded at sixth form, I actually began putting some effort into my A Levels, shocking my teachers at what I was capable of!

The friend I visited in America came to visit me in England for three weeks, though as none of us could drive, it was not half as exciting and action packed as my time in North Carolina! Sorry about that!

One of my best friends that turned my back on me in the previous year? I began speaking to her again, she is still my best friend to this day, and we began opening up about our struggles with mental health a lot more.

I began bulking my CV out a lot more, between work experience at my old high school, and volunteering at a charity shop and an art gallery, I barely had any time for myself!

I also began running a creative writing club at sixth form, which formed the basis of them beginning the creative writing A Level! One of my proudest achievements.

My mums dachshund got pregnant, and we kept one of them - my little dachshund/Jack Russell cross, Molly!

2012

My hard work paid off - I was the only one in my group of friends to get offers from all five universities I applied for! My first choice was University of Lincoln, and I moved 150 miles away from everyone I knew to study English.

I became a really shitty person. With the psychological abuse my mums boyfriend put me through, that friend who came to visit me, and I went to visit? I treated her awfully. I pushed her away on purpose, I hurt her so bad. I think about it every day, and every day I regret it.

I joined the Anime Society, and met a lot of great, fucked up people. I met people on my course. I met a lot of people, most I don't speak to anymore, but given half the chance, I'd welcome them back in my life with open arms.

I began drinking too much, like I don't remember much of my first year, I tried passing this toxic behaviour off as a personality trait. How wrong was I.

2013

A long story, but I got in my first 'relationship that wasn't a relationship', and he broke up with me at the beginning of the summer as he was finishing university, and I was only just beginning, and we lived on other sides of the country.

Upon reflection on things I ultimately regret, I made the decision to begin speaking to my dad again. He ultimately got married, in a wedding I was the only family member to not be invited.

I moved in with four gay people, and experienced the best parties I've ever been too, honestly. Though as housemates, they were insanely flawed.

I got into my first real relationship! He was psychologically abusive, took all of my money, nearly got me kicked out of university, made me lose all my friends, and... What a fella.

He raped me, five days before Christmas. I still suffer with trauma from this, but I'm not ashamed of it anymore.

2014

I attempted suicide. I broke my families heart and I promised my Nanny Gate that I would never hurt myself again.

I broke up with my boyfriend! To which my housemates took me out for drinks and a celebratory meal. They had no idea what had happened to me, but they knew he was bad news.

My dad forced my mum to sell my childhood home, forcing me, my mum and our abuser to move into a tiny two bedroom house, with seven dogs.

Another niece, Imogen, was born!

As well as drinking too much, I began trying drugs, trying to pass it off as a quirky part of my personality.

That friend that I visited in America, and she visited me in England? I began speaking to her again. Although we don't speak much, I could talk to her every day if I could. I'm so thankful that even if she didn't forgive me for everything I did to her, she put it behind her to rekindle our friendship.

I moved in with two of my best friends! Though by the end of the year, we would hate one of them. This happened all the places I lived during university.

I began dating a man I thought I would marry.

(Also, fun fact, I went on holiday to Walton-on-the-Naze that year, where I stayed at the same part of the caravan park @onetruejonsey lived with his girlfriend at the time, I got drunk, and got lost, and tried to get into his caravan! If that's not fate...)

2015

I got my degree without much effort, and I realised I've never really tried at anything. My dad and my boyfriend didn't attend my graduation, but mum and I had a blast.

For so many reasons, I fell out of love with my boyfriend, though he manipulated me into staying with him for almost a full extra year.

I got my first job as a Healthcare Assistant! But I quit as I saw too many residents being treated badly, and no manager or supervisor was interested in hearing my concerns. I done work experience at my old sixth form, trying to find an age group I'd like to teach, turns out older kids weren't that. But I did get a Christmas Temp job at EE.

2016

My boyfriend broke up with me, so angry that I had tried to break up with him and he had not let me, I got back with him just to break up with him. I am a pretty little bitch, honestly.

I went to Kenya with my mum, so we could complete our bucket list item of seeing giraffes and elephants in the wild. It was incredible, and made me reevaluate how lucky I am.

I got a job at B&Q, though my supervisors were awful, I made some good friends with other members of staff.

I planned to take my life at the end of April.

My Granddad Gate got there first, losing his battle to COPD just three days before I had planned to die. Seeing my Nanny Gate and mum, I decided to not go through with it.

While window shopping on Plenty of Fish, I met @onetruejonsey.

One of my friends from sixth form got me into trying harder drugs. I decided to stop speaking to her, I sometimes still get an angry text to this day.

Me, mum and our abuser got evicted from our house.

2017

@onetruejonsey's mum, knowing the situation with my abuse at home, offered for me to move in with them. We went to London for four days, and decided I should move in by the end of January, six months into dating.

I got a job with him and his mum at McDonalds, we were everyone's parents, and it was amazing.

I was discriminated against because of my mental health, and I gave a days notice that I was quitting. Someone else put in a formal complaint about how they had treated me, which made me feel a lot better about everything.

My Nanny Gate was hospitalised over Christmas, where she stopped speaking, eating, and drinking. Her three favourite things.

2018

@onetruejonsey and I experienced the worst argument I've ever had in a relationship; one of which I still think back to, to try and figure out what happened, and learn from.

My poor mum went off work sick for a broken foot and got evicted from her bungalow in the same month, meaning she had to go back to our abuser.

My Nanny Gate died, but my mum, brother and I were all with her when she passed.

This meant my mum had to pack my Nanny Gate's belongings as well as her own bungalow, the deadline for each was only a couple of days from each other. I moved back in with her for a month to help with this.

I was unemployed for five months, and after working so hard to get out of my overdraft during my time at McDonalds, I ended up with £5 in my bank.

With my Nanny Gate not around to say anything anymore, I began self-harming again. Though @onetruejonsey then made me promise to stop it, and I hate breaking my promises.

I got a job as a Housekeeper at Premier Inn, after my second interview. It was only a Summer job, and they tried so hard to fire me, but never found the grounds. After a teaching job fell through, I got my act together and became one of the best housekeepers at the site.

My fourth, and final niece, little Millie was born. With her ginger curly hair, my heart could have burst with love.

@onetruejonsey and I have a tradition to go to the zoo for my birthday, with my mum and nieces. Surrounded by them and giraffes, he got down on one knee and proposed to me! I cried so much, and so many people congratulated us. Even the guy who yelled "HAS SHE SAID YES YET" which makes me laugh everytime!

2019.

@onetruejonsey and I learnt to drive, and we brought our little car, Moss. We have plans to update him to a better car ASAP, but at the moment, I'm so in love with him that I can't bare the thought of getting rid of him!

After nearly getting our own flat, I can't imagine life without a dog. We decided to stay put with his parents, and save as much money as we can to buy a house. A house we will raise our children in one day, dog and bearded dragon included!

2018 was such a shit year, it took up until Summer this year to recover fully from it. When we decided to start planning our wedding. Of which we have booked 90% of everything.

I went on my twenty-first teaching interview, and after that rejection, I decided the universe was sending me a sign. I had not enjoyed any of my previous work experience, and I didn't enjoy working with the kids during interviews. I made a conscious decision that I would not pursue that anymore.

I was discriminated against at Premier Inn when I went into crisis with my menal health, the same day our hotel manager was visiting with an apprenticeship tutor. I spoke to her, and she offered me a job at a different site, where I would do housekeeping and reception, and an apprenticeship, and get a pay rise, AND one day becoming assistant hotel manager, but maybe at a different site.

My decade did not go as planned. I hoped to be teaching by now, but the universe has had different plans for me. A lot of bad stuff has happened to me, but that's karma I suppose. While at university, I spoke to a good friend, and we talked about how bullshit dream jobs were, and I made a promise to myself that I wanted to grow up to be unapologetically happy. So in this decade, that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to work whatever job will pay me that I enjoy, I will come home to a fiance who loves me and I love him, we will have our wedding, we will buy our house together and drive in whatever car we can get, I don't care what it cost or how new it is, we will have our Bassett Hound and whatever little pets we want, and we will one day have children together. And that child will be so loved, I will move mountains for them to never experience pain and hurt of the likes we have experienced.

#personal

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dorigvbcorvis · 4 years

Text

THE FRENCH HORN

A Second Season Glee Story

SUMMERY Dalton takes a special interest in their new mid-session transfer student: Kurt Hummel, after he out performs nearly everyone who has ever taken their entrance exam. Dalton wants to fast-track their student using an holistic approach and by making Kurt see a counselor, making him take more exams, and asking him to add more CVs. While Kurt agrees on Dalton’s French Club, where he really wants to shine is in theater and the only Performing Arts Club around is the one located at Crawford Country Day School for Girls.

NOTES: Story picks up right after Schue comes to see Kurt for gift advice for Sue in S2E10 A Very Glee Christmas Prompt: Kurt’s French Horn tee-shirt. Kurt wore this shirt twice and I wondered if he ever played the horn. Then wondered why he stopped, This story answers both

CHAPTER 1: An Unexpected Visit

Kurt sat back down in the common room - he propped his head up by planting his elbow firmly on the solid oak desk - Chuffed with himself he then let out long bashful sigh. Kurt couldn’t believe what just he did…but just like that he did what he did. In the most candid-as-a-matter-of-fact way possible Kurt admitted to his former teacher that he was in love. But for as bold and progressive a move this was for Kurt, Mr. Schue didn’t stay long enough to hear the boy’s name or how impressively the boy could sing. -NO- Mr. Schuester only came to Dalton for gift advice …and as soon as Kurt said winter tracksuit and where to find one …Schue was turning for the exit. Kurt convince himself not to dwell on how things had always been kept short between Kurt and his former teacher… He knew he wasn’t Schue’s favorite. Hell, just showing up at Dalton was more than Kurt could bring himself to expect from the man. The difference was rather than dwell on how things were - Kurt now had a growing list of things he could better occupy his mind with- Like his duet with Blaine for one.

Kurt found he could also amuse himself on how in the most extraordinary change of fortunes he had left a school that didn’t much challenge him; not in the least! - and exchanged this for a school that did challenged him almost in every sense of the word. The beauty of Dalton was the rewards kept coming. Gone were the days of dumpster tosses, slushy facials, and Korosfski’s threats - Replaced now with guys who didn’t hate him for “destroying the curve” when he did well on tests. Kurt also felt he had landed in a school where he could ‘be out’ at being both gay and an atheist and he wouldn’t hear the stray derogatory comment come at him from behind his back, but the crème de la crème above all these new found things was that he liked a boy and there were good odds the boy felt the same way back “…Oh crap!!!” Kurt suddenly blurted out. An all together different thought occurred to him. The skeptic in him made him wondered if he was simply imagining the flirting during the duet? There was flirting wasn’t there? Kurt sighed even deeper - He wasn’t sure anymore and yet for the first time in the 17 years of his young life he wanted this to be real and reciprocated.

Maybe it was just that with his growing doubt what also came was the sobering reason why he was still in the common room, alone, and at this late hour - AND this wasn’t to dream about a boy -OR- take a running inventory of changes to his life. - NO - It was instead to play catch up with his classes and this meant he really did not have the time for the beautiful tenor with the hazel eyes.

Kurt’s mid session transfer to an academic prep school meant all but one of his classes were now AP; and these AP classes were not only harder but he also had to start from three modules behind and play catch-up…and then until he caught up he was to remain under 'Academic Suspension’. Kurt didn’t like this last stipulation because it meant he was off limits to certain of Dalton’s perks - Like off campus privileges and The Library that he had only seen once while on his tour of Dalton. The library was to remain off limits until his academic suspension was lifted. At McKinley libraries were the safe zone where the Korosfski’s of the world never dared enter …and it was here Kurt became an avid reader devouring whole reading lists at any given chance …so if Kurt wanted into the library at Dalton - the only answer he had was to work hard at changing this status.

Currently it was Unit 3 of AP World History. History had always been one of Kurt’s better subjects and he would be all caught if not for how Charlemagne was proving dull and tedious.

Kurt cracked his book open to find where he had last left off when he heard his name spoken aloud. Kurt immediately looked up half hoping it would be Blaine asking again for another duet for which Kurt would gladly crater to - It however was Wes Seong.

Wes was a tall good looking Asian senior. The young man’s strong level-headedness meant he was entrusted with the task of being a liaison between the students and the faculty. Kurt addressed Wes only as “Head Warbler” - Kurt would have been just as correct to call Wes in some Harry Potteresque nod 'The Class Prefect’.

Kurt watched as Wes stood there in front of his make-shift work desk looking back-and-forth between the main doorway and then back at him - That was until Wes finally spoke up: "Was that the Director of The New Directions who just left?“ Wes asked with the kind already known assurance that negated an answer. And for Kurt the way Wes asked also left him feeling as if he had broken one of Dalton’s Cardinal rules regarding after hours guests and worse he did so with a rival of The Warblers - And now he was going to hear for it…about both probably.

"Mr. Schuester? Kurt uttered, with a voice that was both wavering and elevated; there was no escape Kurt knew he had been caught. "He just stopped by to say hello and ask about gift advice - I-I did not ask him to come.” - The way Kurt stammered and the way his eyes flashed showed his fear. He didn’t want to screw up so soon - And especially not while academic suspension was being held over his head.

“Relax Kurt. It’s okay. Besides it’s Christmas time…The powers that be here are a lot more relaxed with guest rules.”

“So it’s okay?” Kurt now asked timidly.

Wes smiled - “Yes,” He affirmed. "I only asked because I thought he was the same man who shook my hands at Sectionals. I am actually here on another matter,“ Wes said, shifting his focus to look at Kurt more directly.

The worry in Kurt’s stomach remained like a weighted balloon.

"Yeah,” Wes said, admitting there was this other thing. “I just had a conference with many of your instructors….they wanted to know how you were doing - They wanted to ask me if I thought being a Warbler was too much for you to handle.”

“What did you tell them?” Kurt asked alarmed that the next words spoken would be asking for him to quit.

“Only that you are as good student as you are a welcome addition to The Warblers.”

“I don’t think I understand, Why ask?” Kurt stated with a frown. "Did any of my teachers think I should quit?“ Kurt asked now visibly hurt.

Wes shook his head no. "Most of your teachers said they enjoy having you as a student - And they also said how impressed they were at how you were nearly caught up in all your classes.

"What then? What would make them ask that question?”

“I think they only worry that you might burn yourself out”

“I am okay- I can pace myself”

“I believe that. But they did asked for me to check up on you - I would have said no but I also sort of see their point.” Wes suddenly paused, and his shoulders dropped with a sigh. “Blaine as you might know came here under similar circumstances he had to repeat his first year here…he would be a junior same as you…but things happen.”

“Yes, Blaine told me about what happened; and what some guys at his last school did to him.”

Wes winced; he didn’t want to think about what it was like for either boy to be bashed and threatened. Wes instead pulled out a business card and handed it to Kurt

Kurt read the name on the card: “Richard Thompson PsyD” he saw M-F hours listed on the back of the card.

“Kurt, Dr. Thompson is one of the onsight counselors here - He wanted me to let you know he’s available if you need to talk. He said No hurry just swing by when you get a chance but do stop by.”

“Did I do something wrong?”

“Nothing that I know about - I think Thompson just wants to let you know Dalton is here for you.”

“You would tell me if there was something else”

“It might be about what happened at your other school, it might also be..,” Wes stopped abruptly and didn’t finish.

“Might be what exactly?” Kurt now demanded.

“As you know Dalton Academy is designed to prepare you for college. Right?”

Kurt half nodded this well known fact

“The way your instructors were talking about you, they said you could just about name your college - Dalton has been known to fast-track students into Ivy League or other colleges with prestige. I think Dalton lives for boasting rights or something. But if this is what they want - Dr. Thompson would be the man to see about that.

"Ivy League? Me?” Kurt said shaking his head no. Kurt’s heart was set on Julliard, he wasn’t sure what help Dalton could do there. Kurt flipped the business card to look at both sides.

Wes shrugged his shoulders. "It could only be that he wants to see you as a guidance counselor - he was mine last year.“

"I thought Mr. Allen was my guidance counselor?”

“Allen is good - If it’s about setting up what classes to take and what programs to follow - But Thompson might be a better fit, considering why you are here and everything.”

Kurt now let out groan recalling how… "The last time I was asked to see the guidance counselor it was because Miss Pillsbury saw me with one of her pamphlets on suicide prevention.“

Kurt’s confession caused Wes’s eyes to widened - He had no idea how bad it must have been if killing one self was ever a consideration- Watching Kurt then laugh it off was just as disturbing.

[with a giggle] "I spent the next several weeks in her office trying to convince her I would never have gone through with it, and how I especially would never have done anything like that to my dad.”

“I think you should make an appointment. Trauma is nothing to mess with. When we moved here from San Francisco it was because my mom was car-jacked - it took moving halfway across the country and three years of therapy for her to get enough nerve to leave the house. I think you should at least see Dr. Thompson - See what he wants.”

Kurt silently fumed feeling like whatever the reason he wasn’t really being given an option in any case. He flipped the business card over again to look at the hours listed - concluding that he would go - but only so he could later say he went.

“Are you about finished in here? Wes asked, changing the subject completely. "It’s my turn to lock up.”

Kurt nodded and gathered up his books - For as much work he still had left to do in World History…he no longer was in the mood for studying.

Some how Wes understood the turmoil that was going off in Kurt’s head. "I wouldn’t sweat it Kurt,“ Wes said with a sympathetic smile. "With what I heard from your teachers - And then I think Miss Perron your French teacher…is itching for you to join the French Club as soon as you can.”

“They’ll have to lift my academic suspension first.”

“Maybe that’s why Thompson wants to see you.”

Kurt left the common room and he headed for the dorms hopeful this was indeed the reason this guy Thompson wanted to see him.

***

END NOTES: I could not find a credible source for “Montgomery” as last name for Wes. In my story Wes’ last name is Seong. He is a Senior his DOB year is 1993. His family is originally from San Francisco - Wes has attended Dalton since his Freshman year. Blaine Anderson DOB year in my story is 1994 (not 1995 as stated in The Glee Wiki) He transferred to Dalton in his Sophomore year but the events leading to his transfer to Dalton and its aftermath with his dad proved to be too much him for him to handle and he had to repeat his Sophomore year. I have his DOB as April 8, 1994 Kurt Hummel whose DOB is May 27, 1993 means he started school late or at some point he stayed back a year. In all of my Glee FanFictions Kurt repeated the third grade with the reason that the death of his mother caused him to miss school and fall behind. He stayed back a year also in part to his dad thinking Kurt was too small for his age.

#glee #kurt hummel #klaine #dalton

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thedeviltohisangel · 5 years

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How The Night Changes//8//Takes One To Know One

Duncan & Olivia face the idea that she might be pregnant.

masterlist in bio!

requested by @tickled--pinkmoodpoisoning love her so please go love her as well!

send any requests for these two my way!

“I feel like a literal whore, Duncan. Like you only have to pay a dime to get your dick sucked by me.” The man in question chuckled from where he was still lying in bed, watching Olivia struggle to put her heel from last night back on while balancing on one foot.

“You’d be a horrible stripper, my love.” The meaning behind the look she gave him was clear and required no clarification.

“I can’t get my hips to move sexier if you won’t let me ride you every once in awhile.”

“It’s very hard for me to not be in control.” It wasn’t that Duncan didn’t like the visual of Olivia’s breasts bouncing in his face as she rode him like it was a rodeo, he did like that visual, but he could never keep his hands from gripping her hips and flipped her under him as she began to clench around him.

“You’re making yourself hard with whatever it is that you’re daydreaming about,” she muttered as she sat on the bed and looked through her clutch to make sure everything from the night before was in there before she left Duncan’s.

“Thinking about your boobs.” That at least got a smirk from her. Sometimes Olivia found herself forgetting that, no matter how put together and powerful Duncan was, he was still a male. Just as same as the rest of them. “When am I gonna get to see you again?” He sat up and leaned over he could press kisses up and down the skin of her arm. Duncan was an addict. Everyday that they weren’t public was another day that he didn’t get to see her for nearly as much as he needed to in order to survive.

“I’m not sure. I have a recital tomorrow night, you should come.”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” She looked at him over the shoulder and he took the opportunity to lightly tap his lips against the tip of his nose. Olivia had started volunteering at a local studio and her little toddler ballet group was participating in tomorrow’s recital. Duncan didn’t have a particular proclivity to dance or to children but wanted to be there in support of her and this future endeavor.

“Okay, well let me go find a makeup wipe or something so my team doesn’t think I got gangbanged by raccoons last night.”

----

“Miss Olivia you don’t look so good.” Her dancers were always extremely honest with her, even when it was not appreciated.

“I’m just a little tired, Stella, but thank you for worrying about me.” Olivia cupped her cheek gently in thanks and smiled as she ran off to join the rest of the group that was chatting together at a table in the makeshift green room.

“Stella’s right. You okay?” She turned to see Lillian, the director of the studio coming up behind her.

“Yeah I’m getting my period soon so I am veering towards out of whack with every passing hour,” she replied with a chuckle.

“Well I just wanted to thank you personally before the show. I’ve heard nothing but rave compliments from the girls and their parents about how wonderful your classes have been. Not to mention your endorsement has made us sell out the dance hall!”

“I had some people invite some people and spread the word. I know you guys were struggling with the budget last month so anything I can do to help, you just have to let me know, Lillian. I want my platform to help the people who really need it.” Olivia looked to the table where her group of dancers were sitting and felt her heart warming. She would do anything for those little girls, absolutely anything.

“I’ll keep your offer in mind. Thank you, Olivia.” Lillian squeezed her hand gently before moving to talk to the next group of people that resided backstage. Olivia walked over to the table of mini ballerinas and took a seat in the middle of it all.

“What’re you girls laughing about over here?”

“Lorelai was saying that she thinks you’re a real life princess or fairy. Are you, Miss Olivia?”

“What made you say that, Lorelai?” Olivia directed her question at the giggling little brunette that was trying to shield her laughs behind her hand.

“You’re so pretty!”

“But where’s your prince, Miss Olivia?” That question had come from Juniper. It didn’t surprise her that she was the girl to ask such a question, her mother was the biggest gossip of the whole studio.

“He’s in hiding.” All the girls gasped and leaned a little bit forward as if they were waiting for the rest of the story. “He’s hiding because the wicked witch wants to find me and if he stays away from me, then she can’t find me.” It wasn’t that far off from the truth.

“Oh but, Miss Olivia, can’t he get rid of the witch? So you can get married?”

“One day will be the right time, Lorelai, but he has to wait for the perfect time.”

“We’d help him!” All the girls nodded in agreement that they would help her prince slay the witch so Miss Olivia could be with him and be happy. They were like her own little dwarves in a way.

“What if I told you that he’s here to watch you girls tonight? To make sure you’re good enough to help him some day?”

“We’ll dance perfect for your prince, Miss Olivia!”

“Promise!”

“Okay well, we have to stretch in order to do our best. Let’s group hug first though!” Olivia stood up and held her arms open, all the little girls crashing into her with giggles and squeals of excitement.

----

“I would like to welcome a very special guest to the stage, First Daughter, Olivia Underwood!” Olivia waved as she walked across the stage to accept the microphone from Lillian. She spotted Duncan easily, he was whistling from where he stood in the audience.

“Thank you for the warm welcome, everyone but let’s hear one last round of applause for all of our dancers tonight! Such beauty and talent at such young ages, I expect greatness from all of them.” She paused as the audience cheered, Olivia becoming acutely aware that there was massive amounts of press lining the walls of the auditorium and suddenly felt a wave of nerves hit her. “I want to especially thank all of you for coming helping us raise some money for a bunch of continuing education projects we have going on around the studio this year. Also thank you to Lillian for inviting me to participate not just in teaching classes but in the organization of this event...and...lastly…” The distinct feeling of needing to throw up was beginning to rise in her throat. She was afraid to open her mouth to finish the rest of her short speech, the room beginning to spin under the heat of the lights. It was when she became aware of Duncan standing in his seat and moving towards the stage that she realized she must be looking as bad she felt. Olivia quickly extended the microphone back to Lillian before sprinting off the stage, the sound of a thousand cameras clicking the only thing she could hear.

----

“You didn’t have to spend the night with me,” she murmured as she took a sip of her coffee the following morning, Effie curled in her lap and Duncan gently massaging her feet.

“Didn’t want you to be alone if you got sick again. I know what a horrible feeling that is.” Effie woke up and moved down Olivia’s legs to begin to nudge her head at Duncan’s hand, wanting his attention as well.

“Wow. What a betrayal,” Olivia griped at the two of them as Duncan answered her cat’s call for attention.

“Sorry babe.” Effie crawled under his chin and curled back up in her little ball there, falling back asleep with ease. “I wanted to stop by cause I’m going to Vietnam with my friends for the next two weeks, remember?”

“Yeah but I was trying to not think about it. What am I supposed to do with myself in that time?”

“Send me sexy Snapchats.” One of her throw pillows solidly hit his thigh. “I’m sure the time will fly by, Livvy. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

“Your friends aren’t really known for behaving...are they gonna be suspicious of you not flirting and fucking your way through Vietnam?” He opened his mouth to say that’s not what his friends expected from him on vacation but then closed it when he remembered that it was. And that it was warranted.

“I’ll think of something. I have my Master’s, Olivia, I’m pretty smart.” She cackled in spite of herself and moved she could rest her head on the little bit of his chest that her cat had left open.

“I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too...I’ll call you whenever I get some alone time.”

“Okay, Donut. I love you so much. Don’t forget that.”

“You’re my whole world, Olivia, don’t you forget that.”

----

Three days later, when her period hadn’t come, she started to think. She had PCOS which meant that she had had irregular periods before but birth control had been prescribed to her to fix that. And it had. Her period had come and gone like clockwork every month ever since. Except for this month. Something was wrong.

“Henry?”

“Yes, Miss?”

“Do you think one of your agents could run an errand for me?” And that was how she sat with every brand of pregnancy test that CVS carried laid out on the countertop in front of her. She didn’t know how long it would take for a pregnancy to show up on a test but she also couldn’t pinpoint the exact time she had had sex with Duncan without protection. So, just to be safe, she peed on all of them and then paced around her room in a loop until the timer went off on her phone. Three of them read positive...and three of them read negative. “Well, fuck you.”

She knew she couldn’t Duncan and tell him that she might be pregnant because the tests couldn’t agree. She needed a plan of action. He was always wanting to take control but this was her and her body and her health so she had to make it her duty. It was her doctor that she called first, explaining the inconclusive tests and asking if she could come in for an ultrasound or blood test to get a conclusive answer.

“How about we wait another couple of days, Olivia, and then I can have you come in for both?” Dr. Haines spoke. Olivia was always patched through directly to her doctor to prevent any lower level employees from hearing anything confidential and being vulnerable to media inquiry.

“Okay that works for me. I’m sorry I can’t tell you an exact date…”

“Don’t worry about it. We will get it all figured out, I promise.”

“Thank you. Dr. Haines, I’ll see you Wednesday.” Once she hung up she figured there was one more important phone call that she needed to make. Duncan. She dialed the number he had given to reach him at for his trip.

“Hello?”

“Duncan?”

“Hold on.” She heard his voice get muffled, something said to his friends about it being his mother. “Sorry. Wanted to be alone so I can actually say your name.” He chuckled.

“I’m glad you’re alone. You should sit down. I have to tell you something.”

“Are you going to break up with me while I’m all the way in Vietnam?” She heard him chuckle but knew a piece of him was actually nervous that was happening.

“No the opposite actually...I think...I might be...pregnant.” The silence sat between them for a few beats, Olivia biting her lip so hard that a copper taste began to spread on her tongue. “You don’t have to say anything or do anything. I’m taking care of it, I-”

“Have you...have you done tests and stuff?” It sounded like something was stuck in his throat. Like he was choking on the words as they were trying to come out.

“I wouldn’t have called you all the way in Vietnam if I hadn’t. I took six. They were split negative and positive.” He groaned in frustration from the other side. “I’m going to my doctor’s on Wednesday to get some more conclusive answers. I’ll call you then.”

“You get squeamish when you get blood work. Is someone going with you? You fainted last time.”

“I’ll have Henry or someone else on my team hold my hand. I won’t be fully alone.”

“Okay that makes me feel a little bit better...What do we do if you are pregnant?”

“I...I’d want to keep it. We can go public or...or we don’t have to and you can be involved as much as you want...or not at all.” They had only had one conversation about kids in their time together. Olivia didn’t want to assume that Duncan was immediately on the same page on her, that he wanted to be a Dad. It would break her heart to have him leave her life but she would do it for their baby...her baby.

“I would never...I would never not be involved, Olivia. A baby that’s half you and half me...How could I not fall in love with it? Do you know how cute our kids would be? Will be.” Her heart began to sing at his words and she wished he was there with her now. It should be a crime for the one you love to make you feel this way when they weren’t physically there to receive your affection.

“I love you so much, Duncan. You make me so happy and I...I can’t imagine my life without you.”

“You’ll never have to. I’m going to be with you forever, regardless of how it happens and who knows and who cares and...you drive me fucking crazy. I’m tearing up in a Vietnamese forest thinking about how much I love you.” She almost cried to when she heard his little sniffle.

“I’ll call you Wednesday after my appointment. Try to have fun and not let this distract you too much, okay?”

“Okay. Love you, baby.” For the rest of the day, Duncan found himself zeroing in on the children playing in the streets as he drove by them on his way to the next tourist site. His mind kept wandering to the fact that he might be having his own kid. And he kept thinking about how he already was in love with the idea of being a partner in this way with Olivia. They really were two halves of the same whole and his heart called to be with her for this journey. From start to finish. He feared he had already missed too much by not being there when she took the test. At dinner, while all his friends were laughing and drinking about deciding what bar they would haunt tonight he was thinking of Olivia. Of her growing round with his child. Of picking out nursery paint colors. Of learning how to swaddle. Of crying over a little prune faced baby calling him dada. He knew what he had to do.

----

Olivia hadn’t gotten any sleep the night before her appointment. She was too nervous of not only the result of her tests but of the fact that she thinks she’d be mildly upset if she wasn’t pregnant. The past couple of days had given her a lot of alone time to think about what she would do depending on each outcome that the day could take. If she was pregnant, then her and Duncan would have to speed up all the plans they had made. They’d have to go public. Come clean to those that were in power. Maybe he would insist they got married. But Olivia wouldn’t want it to be a big affair. They would have something small and intimate with just them and her Secret Service as witnesses. They were the only people who had supported their relationship thus far anyways. And then in nine months they would have their little bub. And they would be so happy. And they would be a family forever. And eventually have the massive wedding Olivia had been dreaming about her entire life.

If she wasn’t pregnant...then she would be sad. But she would get over it. And everything that would have happened if she was pregnant would eventually happen on its own anyways. She would just have to wait a little bit longer for all of her dreams to come true.

It was a knocking at her door that made her finally think to get out of bed. It must be one of her agents needing to use the bathroom.

“Nadim, I swear you have the bladder of-” But it wasn’t him when she opened the door. It was Duncan. A bit scruffier and his hair was a bit curlier and his skin was a bit tanner but it was him.

“Hey.”

“What are you…”

“I thought about it. And thought it would be pretty shitty if I missed an ultrasound this early on so…”

“Duncan,” Olivia took a deep and shaky breath as the tears began to run down her face. “You didn’t have to fly all the way home for this.” He quickly stepped into her home and shut the door behind him, placing both of his hands on her shoulders.

“Even...even if you are not pregnant, I’m doing this right. By you, by our child.” He let out a watery laugh as his own emotions began to get the best of him. “I never had one so I’m going to be one. I’m gonna be a good fucking father.” She wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him like her life depended on it. And in a way, it did.

----

She managed to survive the blood draw without fainting this time, Duncan thinking she might have broken his hand from how hard she had squeezed it.

“That will be nothing compared to labor so you better start doing some hand strengthening exercises.” Duncan bopped his nose against hers from where they were waiting in an exam room for her doctor to see them. He was feeding her bits of a Hershey bar he had gotten from the vending machine, Olivia having not been able to eat in preparation for her blood draw that morning. “I’m gonna wet my pants if she doesn’t come soon.”

“Let’s think about something else instead then. Like all the cool ways we can announce our relationship to the public and really anger our mom’s and my uncle.”

“That’s evil, Mr. Shepherd, though it’s kind of turning me on.” Duncan hummed as he kissed her lips.

“All Shepherds have villainous blood, I thought your parents taught you that.”

“Villains don’t cut their vacation short to be with their girlfriends for doctor’s appointments.” She pushed a loose strand of hair off his forehead and then dragged her hands down to cup his cheek.

“I told you. I want to be here for every step of the way. No matter how inconsequential those steps might be.” He laced his fingers through his and then brought them to his lips. “We might be having a baby.” They both giggled.

“I’m glad we are in a happy mood.” It was Dr. Haines and to her credit she kept her surprise at seeing Duncan Shepherd in her exam room to a minimum.

“Trying to keep everything light. Don’t want our baby, if there is one, to be announced in a negative environment,” Olivia reason as she wiggled around to get in the right position for her doctor.

“Dr. Haines, I’m sure we don’t have to ask but-”

“You have my discretion, I promise.” Duncan smiled at her gratefully before turning back to Olivia.

“Hey, before this all starts, whatever happens, I love you. And if there is a baby, we’ll figure it out and be kickass parents and they’ll be in most loving home in history. And if there isn’t then know that one day, there will be. I promise you.”

“I’d like that,” she whispered back to him, feeling molten under the heat of his gaze. They kissed one last time, before everything changed forever. Duncan took his seat next to her head, hand still holding hers and eyes fixated on the screen like he was a little boy waiting up for Santa on Christmas Eve.

“Let’s take a look.” Olivia held her breath as the doctor moved around her stomach and the grainy screen came to life. “Well, Miss Underwood, Mr. Shepherd, I’m not seeing anything. And your blood work didn’t lead me to believe that I would have so I can say with confidence that you are not pregnant.” She smiled at the couple, beginning to pack up her things and wipe down Olivia’s stomach.

“Thank you, Dr. Haines. Have a nice rest of your week,” Duncan spoke as she patted him on the shoulder and left the room. He looked down at Olivia, who was looking vaguely shell shocked.

“I just...I just really thought.” She didn’t have to finish her sentence, he knew. He understood. He had felt the same. “I’m sorry you took a plane just to be told I’m not…” Duncan shushed her gently.

“It was worth it, baby, you don’t have to ever worry about disappointing me.”

“Take me home?” She suddenly felt very exposed under the harsh lights of the room and cold under the flimsy gown that she had been given to put on. Duncan had to take a step back as she abruptly sat up and threw her legs over the side of the table.

“Of course. You hungry? We can stop for something on the way home.”

“Just get me out of this goddamn room, Duncan, please.” Angrily, she rubbed at her eyes and then pushed past him to where her clothes sat in a pile.

“Okay,” he was approaching her with a measured cautiousness, “I’ll go ask Henry to pull the car around.” She was quiet the entire care ride, he kept his hand open in between them and she didn’t take it. He just wanted to talk to him, to tell him what was bothering her so he could fix it. Smooth over all the worried creases in her forehead. Nevertheless, he kept his hand there and kept it open because he would always be there for her, no matter how long it took her to come to him. He’d wait forever.

When they were lying in bed that night, he was on his back staring at the ceiling while she had turned her back to him on her side and curled into a ball.

“I was stupid to think that people like us get to be happy.” His head whipped in her direction. It was the first he had heard from her in hours.

“We’re happy when we’re together, aren’t we?” She rolled over so she could look at him.

“We are. But we’re not always allowed to be together and that breaks my heart. I was so happy today. You were so happy today. We were so happy to think we could be parents. Right all the wrongs that had been done to us. Love a child who was made from our love but...but people like us, Duncan, people like us don’t get to be happy.” The words were coming out of her mouth like venom. He could taste the ashes of her tongue as the burning words entered the atmosphere.

“We do. We’ve earned the right to be happy, Olivia. You make me so happy. And, yes, being a secret sucks sometimes but it’s not forever. Just because it feels hopeless right now does not mean that it always will feel that way. I promise you with every breath I have left in my body that you will always feel loved and be happy because you fucking deserve it.” Almost harshly, he pulled her against his chest as if the force of crashing her against his chest would force the words to be absorbed into her. “I wanted the baby too but it wasn’t meant to be. One day it will be. And you’ll be the most amazing mom like I know you will be.”

“You’re gonna stick it out with me for that long?” she sniffled as she traced her finger in the shape of a heart where his would be.

“I don’t think you ever get to love someone like this more than once. It scares me sometimes but I would do anything for you, Livvy, be anything you needed me to be.”

“Well, right now, I need you to sing me to sleep.” He smiled at her, happy that she seemed to be back to her usual self. Duncan hated his singing voice but one night he had sung in his sleep and Olivia had found it to be extremely comforting.

“Get comfy, little one.” He released her from his arms for just a moment so she could adjust into their favorite spooning position, Duncan clasping his arms back around her once she was settled. To the sweet lyrics of “You Are My Sunshine,” her tears disappeared and Olivia drifted off to a peaceful sleep, visions of cherubs in her dreams.

Tags:

@avesatanormalpeoplescareme

@aveiangdon

@langdonslove

#duncan shepherd #cody fern #house of cards #michael langdon #jim mason

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yestolerancepro · 5 years

Text

Tolerance Project Extra A Producers Commentary III Employment Updated The Final cut !!

7 minutes 50 seconds Robert is still struggling to get his job interview. I hate to say it, but 13 years later, although the awful phone boxes have all but disappeared, trying to use a cash machine from a wheelchair is still just as difficult.

8 minutes 24 seconds On her way to work Julie is past by a car which parks in a disabled space. Julie is not happy when she realises that the person parked in the space is not disabled, but is in fact her boss, Mrs Jones, played by Kate Faulkner. (www.linkedin.com/in/kate-faulkner-a3264817)

Julie daydreams about what she would like to do to her boss, leading to a spoof of The Good, The Bad and The Ugly. Don’t worry, Julie, Mrs Jones will get her just desserts later on. The car, by the way, belonged to Gemma Blagbrough’s Dad, Michael. In the scene Mrs Jones Pulls out an orange badge The badge changed Colour in April 2000 to blue The Blue badge scheme itself will be extended in 2019 to cover people with hidden disabilities such as mental health and Autism.

This Happened on the 20th of August 2019 click on this link to find out more information https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-49521867

For the Tolerance Film publicity material I asked Kate what she remembered about filming the Good the Bad and the Ugly spoof and how she found making the Tolerance film as a whole and could she beleave it was nearly 20 years ago since we made it

Oh this was such a fun scene to do. Richard (the director) knew exactly what he wanted so it was easy to understand and play the scene as he wanted. Can’t believe it was that long ago…makes me feel really old! I remember it being a lovely project and really enjoying working with everyone.

9 minutes 23 seconds Robert’s Job Centre scenes were shot at the Huddersfield Branch of Worklink, which provided disabled people with help when they wanted to enter employment. The organisation was closed in 2013 because of a loss of funding. Mr Grosenberg appears. Due to his high pitch voice, Gemma Blagbrough remembers that his scenes had to be shot several times, because we were all laughing so much.

According to Rob Martin, the Worklink scenes were shot on 20 August 1999. 17 photos survive of that day’s shooting; most of them show the set up of the Mr Grosenberg scenes with the director, Robert Hellewell, and the actors David Smith and Tony Green.

Deleted scene

Next up is a small extension to the Mr Grosenberg scene in the Job Centre. It is another of Robert’s dreams. Perhaps the director felt that it slowed the story up too much, or it did not add anything or perhaps the fact that Grosenberg had a voice like a Helium balloon was enough!

Props list for this deleted scene includes Ski mask Overalls big knife

Robert is looking at Mr Grosenberg. Mr Grosenberg is looking bewildered at Robert’s face, but what he cannot see is Mike Myers standing behind him, wearing a ski mask and overalls, and holding a gigantic kitchen knife. Mr Grosenberg turns to see the knife looming down on him and he holds up his hands to protect himself, as the knife swings down at his fingers.

When Robert complains in the job centre scenes that all he gets offered are training courses and that employers only see the chair and not him, this had all been experienced by Tolerance members and still happens*.

It was something I tackled myself in a short film called The Employment Game, which I made as a training exercise prior to working on the Tolerance film. Where Robert says he has a CV as long as my arm and that he is good at training courses because he has done some many over the years, this is because of my own personal experiences in trying to find work.

I am hoping it will be possible to include The Employment Game on the Tolerance website.

11 minutes 19 seconds We cut to Julie, who is unhappy in her work. Mrs Jones tells her that she wants five copies of the work action plan and she needs them now. She later tells Julie that she can have the morning off, but first Julie has to tackle the monster photocopier. We chose the classical music, Car O Fortuna - Carmina Burana, by Carl Orff for the background music to this scene.

Julie’s work scenes were the worst day of the shoot. The fire brigade were accidentally called out, and we had to leave the building. Not to mention, people getting trapped in lifts, claustrophobia, and near death, due to lack of food, but it was all in a day’s work for us, and just a few of the highlights that made the Tolerance experience life changing and unforgettable!

According to Rob Martin’s notes, Julie’s work scenes were shot at somewhere called Oakmeed on 19 August 1999. There are 37 colour photographs in total, including Kate Faulkner going over her lines with Claire Abbot and director, Richard Hellawell, as well as the setting up of The Good, The Bad and The Ugly sequence. Those taking notes on how many script pages were shot on this day 9 pages of script were recorded in all the most of the entire shoot.

To read more about the issues surrounding disability please read the 3 part blog give us a Job written by Gemma Blagbourgh and myself as well the Tolerance Project extra pieces about Gemma Blagbourgh book how to build your business piece by piece

If you want to find out more infor4mation about the Tolerance Project or to give a small donatation please click on the above link https://www.gofundme.com/gnk3ww Or Follow us on Twitter @TolerancePro

photo captions

1) an old style disability parking scheme badge

2) Kate Faulkner going through her lines with Actress Claire Abbot

3) Worklink Tony Green David Smith Becky Quartermaine

4) Worklink with Mr Grosenberg actor Tony Green and Ian Medley

5) Oakmead set up shot for the Good the Bad and the ugly spoof

6) Another set up shot with Ian Medley

7) Kate Faulkner going through her lines with Director Richard Hellawell

8) set up shot for the Good the Bad and the ugly spoof (2)

9) Office shot set up with Claire Abbot

10) Worklink Ben Brown Richard Hellawell

Notes

Quite a bit of new material is included in this version of the 3rd part of my Producers commentary details about the Orange disabled Badge changing colour to Blue Worklink closing and the Blue Badge Scheme extending to people with Hidden disabilities was orignally included in an extended version of the article which has now been deleted from our Tumblr page.

I have also added details of the 3 part Blog Gives us a Job and Gemma’s Trilogy of articles about her Book building up your Business piece by Piece which has been recently reblogged on our Tumblr page with new material

Scenes marked with a * are included in a short mini film produced by Ian Medley in 2020 to highlight some of the issues in the Tolerance film it was also made to try and get extra funding for the project You can read more about the mini film on the Tumblr Tolerance blog post Tolerance Mini film goes live

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pbandjesse · 5 years

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So i might be mildly allergic to hazel nuts?? I had a chocolate bar with hazelnut in it and my face and chest got really itchy and splotchy and hot and red. It was kind of scary. I went to the bathroom and wash my face. I got a paper towel and just kind of held cold water on myself for a while. But nothing was helping. So I kind of went over to Tiffany and was just like help?. And she went totally mom mode on me. Which is exactly what I needed in that moment. And thankfully everyone in the room was very concerned. I don't know why I was so anxious just to ask if anyone had a Benadryl but thankfully someone did and I took that and felt better. But now I guess I got to watch out for hazelnuts?

The rest of the day wasn't nearly as interesting. I mean it was still a good day but nothing terribly exciting happened. I slept okay and woke up early. I got dressed and left here around 8:15. I went over to CVS to pick up needle and thread and then went over to Dunkin Donuts for breakfast. The bus is supposed to come at 9:05. The bus actually came at 9:35. So another day where I waited almost 40 minutes for the bus. And that was after sitting in Dunkin' donuts and eating my bagel for 15 minutes. So I was not terribly pleased.

But because I was excited about winning some money last night I bought munchkins for everyone and no one cared that I was late. We were just working on lesson plans. But I got to tell everyone what happened and they were all very excited for me and it's cool being able to talk about some of the stuff went went down when I lived in Minneapolis. And then it was just a good working morning.

I wasn't in the mindset to be typing yet. So I spent a little time drawing my dumb Furby tattoo idea. It's not dumb! I don't like that I've been feeling self-conscious about my hobbies lately. I'm trying not to use negative language to associate with them. I'm actually very excited about my little drawing. The idea is that it's patches the clock Furby. And because her screen doesn't work anymore my idea is to have the screen display the word love in digital font. Because love is stored in the Furby. So I think I'm going to get two tattoos in the fall. They're both going to be small but I'm excited about them. My arm tattoo is been feeling kind of like it's missing pieces lately. It'll be nice to have more filling on the half sleeve.

I finished my lesson plan mostly. I want to go over it a little bit more tomorrow just to make sure everything is okay and everyone understands what I'm hoping for in the project. I also finished all of my power points I wanted to make. And got some laughs out of Marcus because on the what we expect for you PowerPoint we created I specifically looked for pictures and clipart of teachers at chalkboards. I found a white lady that had brown hair. And I specifically search for a black man. So that we would have representation on the board of us. And he thought that was so funny. Actually made him laugh a few times today. The other time was when he told me he didn't want to eat any more munchkins because he was trying to look good for the beach. Get his body back in shape. And I told him that the beach is going to get whatever kind of body I bring it, just complete deadpan.

At lunch time we convince Marshall to buy us all food. Me and the other Jessica we're having a dance off and it was all very silly and there was a good time. We walked over to the Chinese place. Then some people broke off to go get Subway. And others to get pizza. It was fun being out with everyone.

We all got back and we ate and then it was to work again. I spent pretty much the rest of the afternoon working on my example quilt square. It's basically a miniature crazy quilt representing what they're larger crazy quilt might look like. First I found pieces I like and I cut them into squares. I sew them together. And then I took all of that and cut it up into pieces. And then I sewed it together again. I'm very pleased. Because there's triangles and squares and rectangles and I think it looks really neat. Once I feel like all of its own together well enough I'm going to go back in and bead some and paint some and embroider an applique some. So that the kids can hold it and kind of have a better idea of what I'm hoping that their quilt will look like.

I stayed for a while. My allergic reaction happen during that time too. But I still got a lot done. I didn't finish showing it. I'm going to have to do that tomorrow but I pinned everything up at least for what I didn't so. We didn't have any straight pain so I had to use an entire pack of sewing needles but that's okay. I've done worse.

We finished up at 3. I cleaned up and then fitsum took me home. I was overheated outside. The humidity and rain this week has been Wild. It just feels very heavy when you're outside. As soon as I leave the safety of the box fan. That's terrible. So when I got here I was kind of uncomfortable. But I got cleaned up and put some stuff away. There was going to be a showing at my apartment at 5 and I did not want to be here. So at 4:30 I left.

I walk to the health food store to pick up new soap and some vegetarian beef jerky. I had a nice conversation about Alexander Calder with the guy at the counter. And then I went to Chipotle for nachos. I was upset when I left you pull it though because I was open the door some idiot on a scooter was right at 5 and I almost hit her with the door. She should not have been on the sidewalk and she specifically should have been that close to the door! I could have really hurt her. So I was a little frazzled when I got back to James.

But I got there and cooled off. I took a shower. And then I worked on Hemming / resizing the jumpsuit that I bought like a month ago. Finally figured out how to take in the legs and the crotch area because it just was a mess. Took me about an hour and a half total to pin, cut, and sew it. But once I did I was very happy. It looks really good now. Not work appropriate but I'm very excited to have it anyway. I did use an entire spool of thread today though. It was a little spool but still.

I laid in bed and watched videos. James got back around 6:30. He took a shower and then he made us Falafel for dinner. He made whipped garlic. Which I can still taste even though I brush my teeth twice. But it was really good and then we just hung out for a while.

I came home around 9. I took another shower. Just to rinse off. And I've just been hanging out with CP since then. I took all of the charms off of my charm bracelet and put them on a necklace. I think that I'm more likely to wear it right now that way. And I think I'm going to get ready to go to sleep now. I feel very tired. Tomorrow's our last lesson plan day as a group. It's been a really nice day though. A really nice week. I hope you all sleep great tonight. Be safe out there. Have fun

#ootd #work #art #tired #in progress #sky #clouds #drawing #thursday

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hollowworldentertainment · 5 years

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The Window Walker

I finally got to move out of my parents home and into my own flat, I say my own but it was my brothers. I was lucky enough that we get along, his flatmates and I are friends too which is nice. I have not been living with my parents for a few years but I am in a position where I no longer need their financial help, so it is like I am finally my own person for the first time.

The flat is at the back of a cul-de-sac that leads out to a forested area so there was literally no one behind us. The entrance leads to the kitchen on the left and a toilet on the right we have a “downstairs” it is only a few steps down, more of a lowered floor than anything else. Down there we have the lounge and that leads to deck that faces out into the wooded area behind our flat. We also have an upstairs that has four bedrooms and two bathrooms. There was already four people living in the flat when I asked, but fortunately there was a linen cupboard that was not being used.

The cupboard was about a meter wide and 170 cm long, so I could nearly lay down in it without my feet sticking out. It was fairly high, well over two meters with a roof access hatch in it. I was gifted the opportunity of flatting with friends and I was in a fortunate situation where I owned very little. I had a two door car, bike, computer, war hammer and a small selection of clothes. It was all I had ever wanted and now I also got to live with the people I enjoyed being around.

My computer went down stairs in the lounge out of the way and the bike was just outside locked up to a rail. Since my computer was downstairs I was downstairs, a lot. At the present time I did not have a job so it was a lot of late nights and mid day starts. During this time I managed to catch up on gaming with a little side practice of painting and writing. Really I should not have wasted my time but my friends were playing and my motivation was really low because I had no call backs from CV’s that I had handed out.

About a week had gone by and I had started staying up till the next morning and then sleeping only a few hours, just to return to my computer. Late one night, or early one morning I remember sitting alone downstairs wanting to head out to grab a beverage. I stood up grabbed my keys, wallet, and was just about to head out when something moving in the corner of my eye caught my attention. There was a man out in the trees but he was too far away to determine features, he kept on weaving in and out of trees so I constantly lost sight of him. I figured it might be one of our neighbors looking for their dog, there was four of us in a row at the end of the cul-de-sac so it was very possible. But still the more I stared the more uneasy I felt so I decided to stay in that night, something about it just seemed odd a man pacing out in the woods, a little eerie even.

Over the next two weeks I would see what I assumed was a man pacing outside in the woods, in the end I decided that it was just some crazy person doing late night fitness. Even after coming to this conclusion he still creeped me out, there was something odd about him. Fortunately I did not have that much time to dwell over him as I got a job which ended my late night sprees.

It was nice feeling as if I had purpose again, as much as I enjoy being lazy I feel useless and like I am letting my life waste away even after just a few days of doing nothing. I managed to round up an impressive 27 days straight of work that was interrupted once by me getting sick, probably because I was not used to the long hours. Sadly though this all came to an end and my freelance work supply dried up and I returned to my lazy lifestyle.

First night staying up late and just like before he was pacing in the woods but this time he stopped, he was so far away I could not tell whether or not he was staring at my flat or facing the other way. No matter what the answer was it was nothing less than unnerving. I closed the curtains and decided to go to bed that night I was clearly too tired and he was getting into my head.

Since I had gone to bed so early I was up before the sun was, to me this was very strange but nice because it means I get a decent amount of lazy in the morning then I could go for a bike ride. I had gotten down stairs and all wrapped up in my blanket when I heard the cat scratching behind the curtain, playing with some tinfoil from Domino’s pizza garlic bread. Reluctantly I got up and opened the curtain picking up the ball of tinfoil and throwing it up stairs giving out a little laugh as the cat chased it so blindly.

I turned back to close the curtains but instead I ended up staring down the man outside, not that he was close enough to pick out features but he was definitely close enough to know he was facing me. He was still way too far in the trees to be concerned so I just closed the curtains and made sure the sliding door and the windows were locked. Then I went back to my computer and continued gaming. By the time I reached the next night I had completely forgotten about the man in the window as I spent the whole day with my Brother. We ended up deciding to stay downstairs to watch movies but unfortunately he got a late night call for work and had to ditch me.

I ended up finishing the movie we started but decided to leave the other ones for another night with him. Naturally I went for my computer, no point going to bed this early. I wish I had though, between standing and walking over to me computer I had to stop, eyes were on me, I could feel a cold burn on the side of my head. I turned outside to see it, not him, it. I could not move it was so close, it definitely was not facing me but it stood just a few meters in front of our porch hunched over. I stepped back and put my foot quite precisely on the cat’s tail causing her to jump and hiss at me. This shocked me and I looked away to see the cat run under my desk, I turned back to see it was closer slowly moving backwards towards me by this point I could see everything.

Its fingers were long, they reached the ground from the side of its body. Its body was anorexic not an unhealthy skinny, organ-less, its rib cage gave the only definition to its upper body below that the only thing showing definition was its pelvis the rest its body was skin wrapped tight around its bones. Still it faced the other way just standing there now, no movement, from either of us, I was too afraid to move and it was just standing there toying with me. I moved to my left to line up with the stairs behind me but as I did the image of it disappeared partially, it hit me it was not outside I was blocking its reflection. I noticed then its feet were not on the ground it was hovering in the glass but still its feet stood firm. This thing was standing behind me, my breathing got faster and faster eventually I got the nerve to turn around only to see the stairs leading to the kitchen.

My neck snapped back around to the thing in the window, still it stood there back to me hovering off of the ground, image distorted by my own. I had no idea what was going on at this point I was beyond confused in my confusion I moved closer to the sliding door, I needed to see unobstructed what it was, I needed to see without interference. I got to the door and undid the hatch, this made the thing more awake, its head rose and its body straightened. still I persisted, I slide the door open but as I did the less I saw of it, by the time the door was fully open it was no where. Again I looked behind me just to double check but still just an empty room, I pushed the door fully open and looked out reassuring myself that I had been having too many late nights.

I turned to my right to grab the handle of the door to see its head sticking through the window not from either side but out from the glass. Its head was no different from the rest a tight wrapped skin across the skull, no mouth just scars where it has been sewn shut. The eyes an adrenaline hysteria beaming around the room in opposite directions. I opened my mouth to scream but only a slight whimper was let out, the head of it cocked to the left and the long fingers lashed out at me multiple knuckles allowing it to bend an unnatural amount of times wrapping me up it climbed out of the window and carried me upstairs all the way to my room. It placed me down in my bed with one of its hands and opened the ceiling hatch above my bed with the other, not once breaking eye contact. It used its one free hand to climb into the roof leaving me in my bed wide eyed and staring, slowly it disappeared into the black above me. As it closed the hatch my eyes got heavier until finally the hatch and my eyes were closed. Ever since then it has not returned but I feel its eyes cold burn on my neck some nights when I sit in the lounge.

To anyone who likes my stories, you can find the full catalog on my website, additionally you can find me on a variety of other social media.

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#writeblr #wrtiting #writer #hollowworldentertainment #thewindowwalker #chapter3 #horror #short stories #horror stories #short horror stories #horror writing #scifi #scifi writing #scifi stories #fantasy #fantasy writing #fantasy stories #dark

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poggiesclub · 5 years

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322

hey, remember me when i was special?

sorry for come and go, that's not what i wanted

i know sometimes things may not always make sense, tried to speak softly with awfull sorry.

i promise never happen again. you got me

first page of our story, i went to my class with my cannabis eyes, when i talk no one noticed me, before the end of season 2, im on the line with someone who wish i had. i told her to introduce herself but she told me to see her cv. i tried to kept shit alive, make some crazy things like formal letter, to see your grey haired man smile. now moved on to smoked town. good time happen sometime, missed to greet my town, she'll remember friday's dream, but dream didnt go with catcher just like nearly but nearly it's nothing you liked about. we have broken roots with another broken wood like you see boyz in the hood.

we just prayin through the night and we wish you come again, it may seem little crazy baby, just promised me you'll never go again.

remember my little lady told me to ended being addict and turned out to workaholic, but you talked to deaf guy at the hallway 36 you look shy but deep inside, you wanted me there but i cant make eye contact with serpent goddess or medusa, plus cant do as macKaye said to look back and laugh. i know i confusing you, but im not plan it to be this way. little lady go with kids and senseless go with di caprio. we didnt see us together ever again, like aladdin meet with lumberjack. timeflies for 1 reason, to forget another one, another worst dance move i've ever made, mcdonald kid tried fall back and never comeback again. thanks god, little lady comeback again, with book and sweetest smile i've ever had. back and forth at culture town at 2019, when first time take a drag of cowboy smoke, took a picture of sign of street, i wish we met at essence park without stiffed bottom lip down in your face. 3 days of shivering bad things happen to keeper of the light, gods had to decided to robbed happiness from your life, i can see you sad even when you smile i can see deep inside you wanna cry, and im gone scare, i aint there but my prayers going there. another day lets come out and play, bathroom call, brush my teeth, glad to see you smile, even thats my fault, hang up the call, i'll be there, just asked me to be your side.

it seemed like everything to fall apart, when i started being pussy, to see everything just from one side, here we go again, sit in front of me, lets talk little lady, but im just stoned again cant say everything i wanted to, i know you sad, sad turned to be mad, if you see that tweet im sorry, fuck myself, selfish man, she ended up to love a heroes but hey remember baby, not all heroes wear a cape, curly cape.

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ella-insideout · 6 years

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I wasn’t told you’d be this cold (Part VII)

A/N: I’m sorry it took me a little longer to get this out, but finally it’s here!!! I know this may read like a filler chapter, but I really just wanted to have some calm before the storm (trust me on that). This chapter is very smutty—sorry not sorry. Usual disclaimer: this is a very sad and very real story based off a relationship I had in uni.I also slipped in a small Dunkirk reference because I just can’t help myself since it’s the year anniversary. As always, feedback is encouraged and very much appreciated. ENJOY xxx

World count: 4.4k

Helena kept eyeing the small tattoo that now permanently graced the inside of her wrist. She flipped her wrist around, staring back and forth the blank skin on one side and the ink resting on the other. Having it for only a week, it had completely scabbed over and the tenderness subsided. A few people, seeing the tattoo in passing, have asked if Helena scribbled on herself, making her question the tattoo’s design. Perhaps a boy’s initial encased in a heart is cliched and seems like something a teenage girl would do for a schoolboy crush, but she loved it. She didn’t get the tattoo for anyone else but herself (and Harry)—she doesn’t need anyone else’s approval, thank you very much.

Since getting the tattoo, Harry’s been much more affectionate, Helena notices. Not that he hasn’t been before, but it’s much more obvious now. When holding hands, he always reaches out for Helena’s tattooed side; when cuddling, he’ll rub his thumb over the raised bit on skin on her wrist; he’s even kissed over the tattoo like he’d done when she first got it. Helena furrows her brows together when she realises that she’s never actually pecked the rose tattoo Harry got for her, but shakes her head and smiles, thinking about awkwardly kissing the outer edge of his elbow. She’s made up for it more than enough times with plenty of kisses—on his lips and other regions.

Harry’s sock-clad foot nudging her arm brings Helena out of her head. They’re laying opposite each other on Helena’s sofa, each with a book perched on their chest. With half-term essays coming up, their dates have become more like study sessions. Helena’s currently working through a book on the allied forces of World War II while Harry’s reading through an Arundhati Roy novel for his literature course.

“Oi,” his foot hits her arm once more, “where’d yeh go?”

“Hmm?” Helena places her book down on her chest to look at Harry. His messy hair is pushed up against the cushion behind his head and he’s closed his book.

“Yeh didn’t turn a page for some time… Lost in thought?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Helena says as she moves her body, crossing her legs and sitting up, “m’kind of tired of reading. Seems like it’s all we’ve done today.”

“It is all we’ve done today.” Harry chides and straightens himself up.

Helena shrugs and smiles as she grabs Harry’s book from his hands and places it on top of hers. Reaching out to the small coffee table, she puts both books down and scoots closer to Harry.

“I’ve missed you.” She leans closer, pecking lightly against his lips.

“Been right here wi’yeh all day.” He replies, his twinkling green eyes staring into hers.

“I miss you.” Helena says again, pulling Harry’s face against hers. She interlocks their lips and kisses him deeply. Her tongue runs along his bottom lip (a few times, because Harry’s a tease) and she pokes her tongue around the inside of his mouth. She pulls away and begins kissing along his jaw up to his ear and back down the side of his neck. Harry’s hands are roaming over her upper half, sliding up under her thick jumper. They moan simultaneously when Harry discovers Helena’s forgone wearing a bra as he skims his thumb over a nipple.

“Really missed me, huh?” Harry teases when Helena stops to take off her jumper. She starts to go in for another kiss but instead angles her head down, placing wet kisses over Harry’s clothed torso. She reaches behind Harry for a moment and grabs the cushion he’d been previously laying on, tossing it on the floor. Harry goes to lay back, assuming she’d just made room for them, but Helena tugs his joggers toward the edge of the couch as she settles her knees on the pillow.

“Off.” Helena whispers as she tugs at his joggers once more, so Harry quickly lifts his bum and slides both his boxers and bottoms off in one go. He instinctually opens his legs and Helena wastes no time in grabbing his half-hard cock in her hands. She pumps him a few times before fully taking him into her mouth. Harry throws his head back and thrusts up into her mouth, triggering Helena’s gag reflex.

“Fuck!” Harry slips out when he feels her throat constricting against him. Though it was slightly uncomfortable, Helena continues along with bobbing her head up and down, rubbing her tongue against the vein on the underside of his cock. Her free hands begin gently rolling Harry’s balls and she soon removes her mouth from him, travelling down to take one into her mouth.

“Sh—shit.” Harry moans loudly as Helena moves back up and begins sucking on his bright red tip. “Babe, babe,” he whispers while tugging on Helena’s hair, signaling her to stop, “wanna try something. Stand up.”

With a confused look, Helena gets off her knees. Once she’s standing, Harry tugs her leggings and knickers down her legs and motions her to step out of them. He lays down against the sofa and when Helena goes to sit over him, Harry shakes his head.

“No, no, no,” he grabs at her hips and turns her to face the other way, “wanna sixty-nine yeh. Always wanted to try it.”

“What?” Helena spins her head around, slightly in shock at what he’s just suggested.

“Y’know, sixty-nine. Where the guy and girl give each other oral at th’same time. I wanna try it.”

“O-okay.” She lets out a shaky breath, still not moving.

“Do you want to do it?” Harry raises his eyebrows at her.

“Just… It’s really intimate. Everything in your face and all.”

“Nothin’ I haven’t seen before, love.” Harry chuckles with a slight smirk on his lips. The light-hearted joke makes Helena laugh too and she climbs on top of him, her lower half aligned with his at first. Harry wraps his hands around her hips and guides her as she crawls up to reach his cock.

When she’s level with it, she instantly puts her mouth back on his tip, picking up right where she left off. After a few moments, she feels Harry’s fingers slide up her pussy and pull her lips apart. He tilts his head upward and places his tongue fully against her, making her head fly back. He begins licking harshly against her folds while his thumb rubs circles against her clit. Despite the intense pleasure she’s feeling, Helena returns her mouth to Harry’s cock and bobs up and down. They’re both moaning into each other’s bodies when Harry’s movements suddenly stop.

“Fuck, m’gonna cum.” he warns, one hand harshly grabbing Helena’s ass. Helena moves her mouth and opens widely, pressing her tongue against his head. She pumps up and down a few times before Harry groans out and cums onto her tongue. She kisses against his tip a few times and lets it go as it softens.

Without warning, Harry places his mouth back on her cunt. “Oh!” She moans out in surprise as Harry places his hands onto her hips. He pulls her hips closer to his face until Helena has no choice but to sit up and balance herself over him. Harry’s tongue licks against her clit as his hands move up the front of her body and rest just below her tits. Helena leans down a bit so Harry’s able to swirl his fingers against her nipples for a bit. Soon enough, Helena’s a whining, moaning mess as she comes onto Harry’s tongue. She nearly collapses on top of Harry and she’s thankful that he lifted her legs over to one side and flipped her round, because she’s not sure she has the physical strength to do it herself.

“Shit,” Helena pants out as her head rests against Harry’s chest, “never thought I’d like that.”

“Never say never, H.” Harry smiles down at her, kissing the top of her forehead. His free hand reaches down to grab her wrist, his index finger slightly grazing over the tattoo before he pulls it up to his mouth and places a gentle kiss there, too.

—

It’s a typical Tuesday morning for Helena. Despite not having any lectures today, she decided to get up early and have breakfast alone. From spending all of her free time with Harry to sharing a small two-bed flat with Bella, Helena hardly had any alone time. And as an only child, she needed moments just to herself.

She brought her World War II book to the cafe to skim while sipping her tea and munching on her toast. But as she flips through the pages, reading about the Dunkirk evacuation, she can’t help but lose focus. Placing her pen down—Helena’s the type to annotate in the margins—she pulls out her phone and scrolls through her news feeds. When that begins to bore her, she opens up her student email account—not particularly expecting anything has come through. However her heart starts beating exponentially fast when she reads the subject line of the first unread email: Bienvenido! Spain Study Abroad - Spring Term.

Helena had sent her application in over a month ago and she figured, not hearing back for so long, she hadn’t been accepted. The programme was highly competitive—along with taking courses, students were expected to complete an internship found through the university. Helena spent weeks perfecting her CV (and even attended a workshop hosted by the career centre) but felt that her lack of experience would be held against her. Apparently not. She opens the email and reads over it quickly, a huge smile on her face.

Congratulations, Helena! We’re very pleased to inform you that you have been selected to join the Spain Study & Intern Abroad programme for the upcoming Spring term. Under the Media & Communications sector, you’ll take courses that count toward your final degree and you’ll undertake an internship in a field related to your course halfway through the programme. See more details below regarding course dates, housing allocation, and internship placements. We look forward to welcoming you in January!

Helena, in complete and utter shock, decides she’ll look at the rest of the information later. And now, sitting in a cafe alone and smiling to herself, she wishes she’d told someone about her application. Though she mentioned it to Bella at the very start of term, she never said she’d sent everything in. After frantically paying for her meal (did she get change? She’s not even sure) Helena rushed home to tell Bella and celebrate.

“Bels!” Helena calls out as she walks through the door, placing her bag down on the table next to it. “Are you home?” Met with silence, Helena checks to see if Bella’s still sleeping but finds her door slightly cracked open. Pushing it, Helena finds Bella’s bed neatly made and infers she either went to the library (as she’s done the past few days in a row) or to a lecture. Walking back into the living room, Helena plops down onto the sofa and grabs her phone, sending a quick text to Harry.

Hiii. You free?

Knowing Harry, she doesn’t expect a reply for a few hours. The instant buzz of her phone all but surprises her.

Yes, want to come over?

Niall’s out for the day. X

Be there asap xxx

Helena grabbed her keys and purse, practically racing out of her flat to begin her 15-minute walk over to Harry’s place. As Harry and Niall were flat-hunting on a budget, they had to look a little further out from campus. But they lived in a nice flat on a quaint street just a few blocks away from Greenwich Park, which Helena appreciated since the park was her favourite spot in Greenwich.

After walking up the steps to Harry’s front door, Helena didn’t even have to ring the bell before Harry swung it open and stepped aside to let her in. Closing the door behind her, Harry places a hand on the small of her back and she makes her way through the foyer and places her stuff down on one of their sofas. Harry leans in and gives her a small kiss on the lips while she unbuttons her coat and hangs on the rack in the corner.

“You hungry?” Harry asks as he goes into the kitchen. “I’m makin’ some chicken pasta for lunch.”

“S’a bit early for lunch, isn’t it?” Helena replies as she follows him, squinting at the clock on their wall that read 11:32am.

“Well I got up too late for breakfast, so I guess it’s jus’ an early lunch.” He stirs the pasta around in the pan. Helena stands next to him, watching him silently as she purses her lips and thinks of how she can break the news to Harry.

“Hey, H,” she starts while Harry begins pouring his pasta into a large bowl, “I’ve got something I want to tell you.”

“Oh?” He questions while placing his cooking materials into the sink to wash later. They walk over to the small dining table and Harry begins eating his lunch, Helena sitting opposite him. “What’s goin’ on then?”

“Well,” Helena begins smiling widely, “a while ago, I applied to spend a term abroad in Spain. I didn’t really think I’d get in because it’s so competitive but… I did it. I got in!” Her smile grows wider, if that’s even possible. Her eyes are so bright and she’s so excited but when Helena looks to Harry, she finds that his expression doesn’t mirror hers, even in the slightest. His eyes are dull and cast down, staring at his almost empty plate of food.

“When will yeh be leaving then?” Harry asks, still avoiding eye contact.

“In January…” Helena trails off. “It’s a really exciting opportunity! I get to take some interesting courses and I’ll be doing an internship during the second half. I’ve always wanted to go to Spain, so I can’t wait.”

“Good for you.” Harry says, standing up and placing his empty plate into the sink, paying no attention to the rest of the dirty dishes. He ignores Helena as he passes by her and walks down the hall into his bedroom, slamming the door shut. Dumbfounded, Helena stays frozen in her seat for a few beats. When she finds movement, she scoots out of her chair and quickly walks over to Harry’s room, bursting through the door.

“What the hell?!” She screeches as she enters his bedroom. Harry’s sat at the edge of his bed, scrolling mindlessly through this phone. He looks up at Helena but doesn’t say anything, taking his attention back to his phone. “What the fuck is your problem?” She tries again, still not getting Harry to talk. Adrenaline pumping, she snatches the phone out of his hands (with Harry letting out a loud ‘Hey!’ in protest) and throws in back into his pillows.

“You have no right to grab shit from me.” Harry stands up, pressing his chest against Helena’s.

“You have no right to get mad over nothing!” She quips back. “You’re the first person I told about getting into this programme! And I was so excited when I found out this morning, all I wanted to do was share that with you! But you had to go and ruin it!”

“Sorry I can’t jump for joy with you,” Harry shouts back as he turns away from her, “but m’glad to see that you’re so happy about leaving me!”

“M’not leaving you,” Helena lets out an exasperated breath, “I’m going to study in a different country. For four months. You’ll survive.”

“Just think it’s funny, s’all,” Harry laughs to himself, turning around to face her again, “yeh got all mad at me when I left for the summer. And you’re practically doing the same thing to me now, but I’ve got to be happy for you.”

“Don’t fucking bring that up,” she wags a finger at him, “you left to go follow some floozy around! And you didn’t even tell me! This is a completely different situation—I’m going to study. I’m going to work. Not fuck around with some bloke.”

“No, no, f’course not.” Harry chides. “Did enough of that while I was gone.”

“Ugh!” Helena throws her arms up in the arm. “You just can’t let things go.”

“Neither can you.”

Both their chests are heaving from the intensity of their yelling. Helena looks over to Harry and when they make eye contact, he places both hands behind her head and pulls her in for a kiss. He shoves his tongue down her throat as she moans and whimpers into his mouth, trailing her hands up his back and bunching the soft cotton of his shirt into her hands. They break apart from their kiss and Harry tugs his shirt off, Helena doing the same. He pushes her shoulders down and she falls back against the mattress. Harry’s body covers hers completely and he grinds their lower halves together as he sucks one of Helena’s nipples. She goes to pull on his hair but he pushes her hand away.

“Don’t touch me.” he growls out lowly. The harsh tone of his voice ensures that Helena won’t be trying it again. Harry unbuttons Helena’s jeans and slides them off her legs, too lazy to take her knickers off with them. He tugs his joggers down just enough to let his cock out, pumping himself in his hand a few times before pulling the thin fabric aside and pushes into Helena.

“Har—fuck—Harry…” Helena moans out as Harry pounds into her. Though they’ve been rough with each other in the past, she knows this is different. He’s still not over their fight. In retaliation Helena wraps her arms around Harry and begins scratching her long nails down his back, making sure to leave a few marks.

“Fuck, baby.” He hisses and throws his head back, almost enjoying the pain of Helena’s nails breaking his skin. Harry moves one hand from the pillow and slides it down her body, bringing her leg up over his shoulder. He begins thrusting harder and harder into her core and Helena’s eyes roll back from the feeling. Harry goes to rub against her clit and in moments, she’s coming onto his cock. The squeezing of her walls and tension from the fight overtakes Harry’s body as his orgasm washes over him. He pulls out of her cunt and cums onto her stomach. Helena grabs Harry’s face and brings him in for a quick kiss but he quickly stands up, grabbing a tissue off his nightstand.

“Clean yourself up.” He says in the same harsh tone as before, walking into his ensuite bathroom and locking the door.

—

Helena hasn’t spoken to Harry in four days now. After he left her laying naked in his bed, cum all over her stomach, she quickly got dressed and left his flat. She didn’t even leave a note or send a text to let him know—Harry didn’t deserve that, Helena rationalised. He was exceedingly rude and he had absolutely no right to be. Luckily, when she arrived home Bella was there and the two celebrated in the way Helena hoped she would’ve done with Harry. They shared a bottle of wine and watched rom-coms with Spanish subtitles on (Helena had to start practising, right?).

Having nothing better to do on a gloomy November afternoon, Helena was in her bed watching Netflix on her laptop. Though she had school work to get through, she decided that having one lazy Saturday wouldn’t be too bad. Her phone buzzing on her nightstand took Helena’s attention off the show she was watching. A scowl set across her lips once she saw who the text was from.

Heyyyy

Helena rolled her eyes at Harry’s casual starter. He greeted her as if they hadn’t been in a fight and ignored each other for days. She quickly tapped out a reply.

Hi there.

You busy tonight?

Why?

Do you want to come over?

For what?

Haven’t seen you in a few days, I really miss you. X

Ok.

I’d really like to cook you dinner and make up for being a right dick

Maybe we could kiss and make up too… X

Ok. I’ll come for dinner.

Come over round 7?

Ok.

Maybe Helena was being a bit short with Harry, but to be fair, he deserves it. To text her so randomly and act as if nothing happened between them worried her. Up until now, all of their fights ended in one apologising to the other—there was no need for grandiose gestures to indicate the fight was over (though getting a tattoo could fall into that category). However this last fight had been intense and Harry really hurt Helena’s feelings, so maybe a well-cooked meal could make up for his poor behaviour. She’s certainly willing to give him a chance.

Having showered and gotten ready, Helena left her flat at 6.45pm on the dot to arrive at Harry’s right on time. She wasn’t sure if Harry would be dressing nicely—since they were just going to eat at his flat—so Helena opted to wear a knit dress with tights, boots, and a long coat to keep her warm on her walk. As Helena approached the building, she could see Harry’s silhouette staring out the window. When he spotted her, he went outside and greeted her at the doorstep.

“Hi.” He said quietly, his breath showing in the chilly nighttime air.

“Hey.” Helena replied, unsure of what to say.

“Before we go in, I just wanted to say m’really sorry.” Harry reaches out for Helena’s hand, interlacing their fingers. “I was a total arse to yeh and yeh didn’t deserve it. So I’m sorry for being a dick. M’actually really proud of yeh, y’know?” Helena’s head perks up and she saw Harry staring down at her, his eyes bright and full of love.

“You are?” She squeaks out nervously. Harry nods his head and captures her lips in a deep kiss, proving to her how much he cares.

“Now, let’s eat!” Harry turns around, still holding Helena’s hand in his own. He leads her into his flat and she’s amazed with what he’s done. He decorated the wall above the dining table with a small collection of Spanish flags and the table’s full of traditionally Spanish foods.

“To get yeh in the mood for Spain,” Harry explains, “I decided to make you a bit o’everything. We’ve got some paella, some tapas, and I made churros.”

“You did all of this for me?” Helena asks incredulously.

“Yes,” Harry kisses the top of her head, “because I need y’to know how much I care for yeh, and how excited I am for yeh. Four months’ll fly by, yeah? And I can always visit.” Helena smiled to herself, thinking of all she had ahead of her. She had the love of her life by her side and the opportunity of a lifetime on the horizon. And here was Harry, supporting her every step of the way.

“Thank you, H, really.” Helena kisses his cheek as they both settle down at the table, beginning to eat their Spanish-style meal. When they finished their dinner, Harry grabbed a bottle of wine and the basket of churros, placing them on the coffee table in front of his sofa. Helena settled down as Harry poured her glass, handing it over as he sat beside her.

“So when does the programme start?” He asks while taking a sip of wine.

“Mid-January, like a week after our term usually begins.” She says in between bites of a churro.

“And do yeh know yet what your internship will be?”

“Not yet. They give us a choice of our top three placements and decide for us.”

“What’re yeh choosing, then?”

“I’m putting a PR firm for my first choice, and two different newspapers for my second and third,” she shrugs, “since I don’t really know what I want to do, I’ll be happy with whatever I get.”

“I’ll be happy for you, too. Whatever you get, love.” Harry grins at her, clinking their glasses together. They continue chatting mindlessly as they finish off both the churros and bottle of wine. Standing up off the couch, they clumsily make their way to Harry’s bedroom.

After shutting the door behind himself, Harry leans down and grabs the hem of Helena’s dress, inching it up her body until it’s completely off. She shimmies out of her stockings while Harry removes his jumper and jeans. Harry leans back against his headboard and Helena crawls onto his lap, feeling his pulsing cock against her naked cunt. Harry moves his hand between them and guides himself into Helena; they both groan as she sinks down completely. She begins rocking back and forth slowly, circling her hips and rubbing her clit against the flesh above his prick. Harry’s hands are on her waist, pushing her further down onto him. Without warning, Harry attempts to flip the two over, accidentally knocking his head against Helena’s.

“Oi!” She laughs, “that hurt!”

“M’sorry, H.” Harry chuckles along with her, lining himself up against her entrance and entering her once more. He juts his hips against hers and leans down to take a nipple into his mouth. His tongue brushes against it but Helena tugs on his hair, pulling his face up to hers. She kisses his lip and bites on his lower one, moaning into his mouth.

“H… I’m gonna—fuck—gonna cum.” She whispers, tossing her head back against the pillow. Harry picks up his speed and places two fingers on her clit, rubbing fast circles to get her to her high. Her hands bury further into his hair and yank harshly as she comes around him. A few seconds later Harry’s orgasm rushes through his body and he releases his load into Helena, not having enough time to pull out. Harry all but collapses on top of her, still inside her.

“Yeh took your pill?” He says into her neck, kissing the sweaty skin against his lips.

“Mhm,” Helena muses, still coming down from her orgasm, “s’okay.” Harry then shifts off to the side and brings Helena into his chest, wrapping his arms around her body. “Thank you for tonight,” she speaks up, “I really appreciate it.”

“Anything for m’girl.” Harry replies, letting out a small yawn.

“Best boyfriend ever.” Helena hums as she buries her head deeper into his chest, closing her eyes.

“M’not your boyfriend.” Harry mumbles. Helena’s eyes jolt open and she looks up at Harry, seeing his eyes are shut. The light snores indicate he’d already fallen asleep, but Helena lay wide awake questioning how things could go from being so right to so wrong in such a short amount of time.

#Harry Styles #harry styles writing #harry styles imagine #harry styles imagines #harry styles blurb #harry styles blurbs #harry styles fluff #harry styles angst #harry styles smut #uni harry styles #uni!harry AU #harry styles fanfic #hs writing

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alippy711 · 6 years

Text

Falling Away With You-Ch.11

Wasn’t planning on posting tonight but the B’s loss has me thrown and I already need more pasta in my life so I need to get this filler chapter out of the way.

So chapter 12 will *possibly* be up tomorrow, I just have to edit.

#############

Chapter Eleven: In The Area

I drummed nervously on my steering wheel as the phone rang three times before he finally picked up.

“Hey Ash” His deep voice came through my speakers warming me through.

“Hey you, so im sorta in your area and was wondering what you were up to tonight?” The words spilled frantically from my lips and I gripped the steering wheel tighter as my hands began to shake waiting for his answer.

“In the area huh? What a coincidence. You trying to come see me?”

Only Evan would answer my question with another question.

“I asked a question first Mr. Mathews” I heard him chuckle on the other line making my heart skip a beat.

“Currently im doing nothing, but Jared’s coming over in a bit. Now you can answer my question”

“Just had a late lunch with some cousins north of the city and I’ll be driving right through Boston so I figured I would see what you were up to, but it’s Saturday and you have plans-” He cut off my rambling before I could continue back tracking.

“But nothing I haven’t seen you since Monday and im sure Jared would love to see you, when should I expect you? Besides was hoping to see you this weekend but I didn’t want to seem too eager” I felt a blush go straight to my cheeks and I was thankful we were on the phone.

“So I get to look like the eager one?” I joked.

“Exactly, and I can hear that eye roll through the phone” He knew me too well.

“I’ll be there in twenty, goodbye Evan”

I heard him laugh on the other end as I hung up the call before he could say anything. I did a little shimmy in my seat proud of myself for actually being the one to make a move for once. I had wanted to see him but didn’t really know the etiquette on hanging out after you have your first two dates in a 48-hour time span.

I was pulled from my excitement as David’s name popped up on my car screen signaling a text. I clicked the button on my control center letting the female voice read his message out loud.

“You coming to game tonight?”

“That’s a hard no” I spoke out loud, thankful that the car couldn’t respond to messages. I couldn’t help but feel that it was some weird omen that David texted minutes after I hung up with Evan.

It had been two days since I stayed over David’s and while I didn’t regret having sex with him it definitely wasn’t helping me figure out my situation with Evan. I knew what I was getting with David, but I wasn’t sure how far along my feelings for Evan were and spending more time with him was the only way to find out.

I successfully navigated my way through the crazy streets of Boston and miraculously found street parking a few steps from Evan’s place. Before I got out of my car I sent a text to David telling him I was with Evan and wouldn’t be at the game. I realized Mel was right about me needing to be more transparent with David about Evan and probably vice versa but I wasn’t really ready for that yet. I put my phone on do not disturb and pushed all thoughts of David down as I made my way up the brownstone steps to Evan’s apartment.

“Hey you”

Evan’s bright smile met me as he opened the door and immediately reached for me pulling me into a hug.

“Hi Evan, how are you”

We stayed in our embrace a few more seconds before he pulled away stepping aside to allow me to walk inside.

“Im great, now that you’re here. Can I get you a drink? I don’t have any liquor and I know you’re not a big beer or wine fan but I do have some cider beer”

I smiled as he summed up my alcohol preferences to a T.

“That would be great” I put my purse on one of the barstools and leaned against the island as he handed me a beer.

“I hope I didn’t ambush your guy’s night”

“Of course not, it’s just Jared”

Jared was Evan’s older brother by about two years who had gone out with us a few times but it had been months since I saw him.

“Im really glad you called, four days was too long after two dates in like 48 hours”

I felt my face blush as I stared at my beer picking at the label. Evan reached out taking the bottle from my hands placing it on the counter before stepping towards me closing the distance between us. He put a hand under my chin tipping my head up so I was looking at him and I bit my bottom lip nervously as his eyes flicked down to my mouth stilling my nervous habit.

“I think I’ll be the eager one this time” His voice was soft and I nodded against his hand that cupped my cheek. I rose up on my toes as he leaned in, meeting his lips halfway letting myself melt into the kiss and his body. The hand that was on my cheek went to the back of my neck deepening our kiss as a soft moan escaped my lips. By the time we pulled away we were breathing heavy and I could feel the heat from my cheeks spread throughout my body.

“I think I like when you’re the eager one”

I said giving him a wink as I grabbed my beer and headed into the living room while he laughed behind me.

“Wait, so thatwas the night you got the nickname slippy? How did I miss that?” Jared managed to ask in between fits of laughter

“Because you weren’t on the party bus to witness her eat shit on the sidewalk”

Evan’s words only added fuel to Jared’s laughter and I playfully swatted at him from beside me.

“Those Quincy sidewalks were torn the fuck up from winter so it wasn’t totallymy fault” I attempted to defend myself, but knew it was a losing battle.

“Were you already drunk?” Jared asked finally getting control of his laughter.

“Nope. She was stone sober, making it even better”

Evan flashed me a smile which I returned with a hard glare.

“It was dark and I had heels on, so again not entirely my fault”

“Best part? She was in a dress so she cut up her knee and we had to make the driver stop at CVS so we could get band aids”

This had them both roaring with laughter while I sat cross armed and pouting.

“Aww don’t pout, it was embarrassing but it resulted in a great nickname”

I rolled my eyes at Evan’s futile attempt to make me feel better.

“Wow, what a night for you. Started out by falling then ended the night by blacking out and making out with random people”

Evan so kindly continued to remind me of my drunken antics during Kim’s birthday three years ago. For some reason I was always a shit show when we went out for her birthday.

“Shit I remember that, how exactly did that go down?” Jared looked between the two of us waiting for one us to fill in the blanks.

“Evan asked Kim what she wanted for her birthday, unfortunately I was right next to her, and she replied that her wish was to see me make out with a stranger and that’s really all I remember”

This time I joined the two as we laughed at my drunken expense.

“If im being honest, the same thing happened the year before. There’s proof of me making out with one of her college friends” I buried my head in my hands in embarrassment as the two brothers continued to heckle me.

“Aww come here”

I felt Evan wrap his arm around my shoulder pulling me towards him. I went willingly nestling into his side laying my head in the crook of his neck. He kissed the top of my head and I felt my heart squeeze from the simple gesture.

“Foods here!” Jared announced jumping up from his seat on the loveseat just as the doorbell rang.

“Thank god, im starving”

“Didn’t you say you had a late lunch?” Evan asked eyeing me.

“Yeah but that was like 3 hours ago.” He shrugged with a chuckle.

“I shouldn’t be surprised; I know how much you love food” I flashed him a grin pulling away from his grasp when Jared walked back into the living room carrying the massive bag of Chinese food.

“Oh. My. God. It smells amazing” I swooned making my way over to the kitchen island.

The boys turned the Bruins game on while we ate which I was grateful for since I hated missing a game, but it definitely felt weird every time David was on the ice as I tried to not get too into how he was playing in front of Evan.

“Im actually surprised you aren’t at the game tonight” Evan pointed out not taking his eyes off the TV.

“A better opportunity presented itself” I nudged his shoulder with mine and he sent a shy smile my way.

“Do you go to every home game?” Jared’s question pulled my attention from his brother as I turned to look at him.

“Most of them, the weekday games get a little tricky because I enjoy sleep and hate waking up the next morning”

“Do you go alone?”

“No, sometimes Sam will come or Addie but if they don’t go there’s usually at least one guys’ girlfriends or wives that I sit with”

I redirected my attention to the game just as David came over the boards for his shift. I watched as he buzzed around the ice working with his line mates to clear the puck out of their zone.

"Hrozný, pořád David! what was that?”

I threw my hands up in annoyance as David made a blatantly bad pass attempting to clear the puck resulting in a turnover and nearly a goal. I took my eyes off the TV and glanced to my left where Evan stared with wide eyes.

“Was that English?” I turned to Jared who gave me the same wide eyed confused look.

“No, that was Czech, sorry”

“What did you say?” Evan asked shaking off the confused look.

“Well Hrozný means horrible and pořád means come on. So I said horrible, come on David” I explained, Evan nodded while Jared still looked at me like I had three heads.

“So you can speak Czech now?”

“Not really I know a few phrases and im pretty good at swearing. I would get way too into the games so I made David teach me some stuff so I wasn’t yelling fuck every two seconds”

“That’s pretty cool, can you understand him when he speaks in Czech?”

“Only if he says the words I know” I laughed. “If he’s having a full on conversation with someone I usually can’t catch anything because he talks too fast and everything seems to just blend together.”

“That’s actually pretty cool, do you help him with English?”

“I try, it usually just ends up with me correcting his grammar when he talks and that always annoys him. But there are some words that don’t have Czech translations so it’s always cool to teach him a new word, especially when he uses them in interviews”

Jared nodded, showing interest in what I was saying while Evan kept his focus on the game seemingly stuck in his head. I should probably keep the Czech to a minimum while I was around him. I guess I didn’t realize how much I’ve integrated it into my daily life until now. Im sure it wasn’t fun for him to hear me talk about David.

“You ok?”

I placed my hand on his shoulder pulling him from his trance and the vacant look on his face turned into a smile when he looked over at me.

“Yeah, im good. C’mere.” He moved the plate on his lap setting it on the coffee table then turned into the arm of the couch nodding for me to join him. I scooted over laying down next to him with my head on his chest and my arm draped across his stomach. He pulled a blanket from the back of the couch spreading it over us with a sigh as he held me close.

“Now im great” He whispered kissing my forehead while I smiled up at him.

We stayed like that for the rest of the game and thankfully David didn’t have any sloppy turnovers and I kept my outbursts in check and Jared left after the game leaving Evan and I to ourselves. About thirty minutes after the game ended my phone vibrated from the coffee table signaling a call, or two as it kept going off. I didn’t have to look to know it was David so I did my best to ignore it. I forgot he was in my favorites, which essentially made Do not Disturb pointless in this case.

“You can get that if you need to”

“It’s nothing important, im here with you” I smiled up at Evan whose lips were set in a hard line.

“How do you know it’s not important?” Something in his voice threw me letting me know he knew exactly who was calling.

“Because I know its David” I untangled myself from him sitting up on the couch bringing my knees to my chest.

“Evan?”

“Hmm?” His eyes glued to the TV

“Is there something, or someone you want to talk about?” I pressed.

He closed his eyes and let out a frustrated groan before sitting up still ignoring eye contact.

“Yes and no. I want to ask about David but at the same time I don’t”

I nodded and placing my hand on his chin turning his face forcing him to look at me.

“I will tell you whatever you want to know. Im as transparent as you want me to be”

“Have you seen him since we went out last week?”

“Only once. I went to the game on Thursday then saw him after”

“Did you stay over?”

This time I looked away and began playing with the edge of the blanket trying to avoid his eyes as I answered. I told him I would be transparent so I couldn’t lie.

“I did. He wanted me to wait for him after the game so we could talk and by then I was exhausted so I just stayed”

He was nodding when I finally looked back at him.

“How much of a chance do I have here, Ash?”

The defeated look in his eyes killed me. I reached for his hand taking it in mine noting how much softer his were than David’s. I set my eyes on him when I turned to answer, knowing he needed my full attention to believe my words.

“Evan, you have a damn good chance. Remember, you can give me the one thing im looking for that he can’t so don’t underestimate my feelings for you.”

He smiled and his lips found mine letting me know that validation was all he needed. Despite being wrapped up in Evan’s touch I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was failing miserably when it came to keeping David out of my relationship with Evan, yet I seemed to have no trouble keeping Evan off my mind when I was with David.

#david pastrnak #david pastrnak imagine #david pastrnak fic #nhl imagine #nhl fic #hockey imagine #hockey fic #falling away with you fic

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the-writing-bee · 6 years

Text

LOVE pt2

If it was everywhere around you, why could I not say it to a blonde boy who knew I'd reach the stars someday, cupping them in my hands like I wish I could. Why could I not return the words that I knew he felt for me? He did not say the exact words, but I knew he felt them. I knew it because of the way he looked at me when he thought I wasn't looking. I knew it because of his soft fingers running through my hair as I fell asleep in his car. I knew it because of his lips touching my skin, sending electricity through me as if I was the sky and he was thunder on a stormy night.

Why was I so lost? I wondered that often. Compared to my friends, I was different. I never wanted a boyfriend, I never valued the opposite gender except for drama and as a thing, not a person. My best friend valued boys more than she valued herself, I believe. She would chase after them in a heat of passion and then lose it. She would lose interest in them or they would lose interest in her. It was a constant, repetitive cycle that never seemed to cease. If I was in her position, I would have ruled boys out long ago as toxic. But, she was dedicated, and she was in love with Love. She was obsessed with meeting someone by chance and clicking, like pieces of a broken cup. What she never understood was that love did not come easily. True love was not real. It was a thing of fantasy. Why do you think people write so many stories about it?

However, when he met me, I know he thought it was true love. He fell in love with me late at night, my cheek bones illuminated by the bonfire between us. He saw me with flames licking at my lips, blinding him from a full view. He pushed his way through the crowd around the burning wood and approached me without a second thought. But, I was too drunk, and he was too invested. I did not remember what he looked like. All I remember were the texts sent to me late at night. You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, he said, and I laughed at that. He was just another boy in my eyes. He was just a boy from another school trying to get into my pants. Trying to get with me, and then turn around and disrespect me. He was a nobody.

When he continued to chase after me, my heart was confused. A boy like him could mean safety. A boy like him could mean true love. But, I was afraid. I was afraid of unavailability. I was afraid that someday, some time, a boy better than him would come into my path. I believed that he was only a Tomorrow and not a Forever kind of boy, even though all of his actions spoke otherwise. Deep down I think I knew that he was the one for me. I knew it in the way he looked at me and in the way he wanted to share every experience with me. I knew it because he would always compliment my intellect, my smarts, and not just my beauty.

Nearly a year passes by and I finally give him a chance. I finally give him what he’s been wanting: me. I give myself to him for the night only to find that he falls in love with me. I knew he did, when we sat in the empty booth. A donut shop at midnight on a friday night has a magical feeling to it. It felt like the night would never end and that we would be stuck in this moment for the rest of time. Sitting there with him, I wished it wouldn’t. My drunken words meant nothing to myself, but to him they meant everything. My arms wrapped around him, he fell in love with me. He fell in love with my curly hair and my spotted freckles. He fell in love with my hands, my fingers, and the stories they told. He fell in love with my eyes and wished that he would be there for every single experience I ever have for the rest of time.

One night, curled up together on a bench too big for the both of us, we looked into the empty space above the ocean. It was too dark to see it, but we could hear it as the waves crashed against the shore. I listened as the waves receded, taking my heart with them. Feeling his head against my chest, I felt it. Love. It is a fickle thing, I have learned, and at this specific moment, his arms wrapped around my torso, I wasn’t sure if I felt it. I knew I did, but was it real? I feared saying what my heart felt only to find that the ocean and the ice cream and the sweet smell of his hair was a lie, that I didn’t love him and I never could. I feared hurting him. I feared being hated for hurting him, even though I would deserve every single inkling of it. So I didn’t say it. My brain told my heart to shut up and it listened. This was the first warning sign.

The second warning sign was a simple one, a slip of words. He lowered himself into his black car because I told him to leave, I had homework to do. Three words. Not even, not this time, just two. I didn’t even realized it happened until it was too late. Love you, I said. A mistake, obviously. I knew that. I feared he didn’t. This was when I started acted differently. I was so afraid. I was afraid of him and the way I felt for him. I was a coward, I know that now. I was just too weak to understand the truth. How could I be afraid of something so good?

I broke up with him four days before prom. I broke his heart for the first time four days before my school’s prom.

Our story was tragic. I broke his heart and in the process broke my own. When the final talk happened, in that dirty CVS parking lot, it tainted the area around me.

“How could you do this to me?” He had asked me. His words covered that day in a shroud of darkness that would never leave it.

“I did not love you” I spoke, although, deep down, I knew it was a lie. “And you loved me too much” The words slid off my tongue with ease, as if I had practiced, and they burned him like acid.

“I never want to see you ever again” His words stung me, even though I deserved it. Funny how I thought I didn’t love him. It covered that day in a shroud of darkness that would never leave it. When I sat in his car, his eyes were lit up with anger, with hurt. I had broken his heart for the second time now, and he wouldn’t give me any more chances. He told me everybody hated me. He told me he never wanted to see me ever again. It destroyed me. To hear the boy who has chased after you for a year, a boy who has been in love with you since the night his eyes fell upon your face, to tell you that he was disgusted by you, is the worst thing you will ever experience.

I was fifteen years old and I experienced my first heartbreak. A boy who I thought I didn’t love, finally gave up trying to make me love him. A love story doomed from the beginning of a boy who cared too much and of a girl who cared too much about caring.

When my mother came and picked me up from the empty parking lot, she asked me if I was okay. Instead of answering, I just started crying. My heart ached for a boy who now hated me. It ached for a time that was lost to me. It ached for a moment in my life that I could have captured and bottled up to experience for forever. It ached for an experience, a way of life, that I had turned down. The first time I had broken my one true love’s heart it was fine because he continued to chase after me. Through his broken heart, he still loved me with every single fragmented piece of it. But, once I wronged him, he hated me. He hated me with all his guts. I understood that. And when he finally told me he never wanted to see me again, when he finally stopped chasing after me relentlessly like he always had, I was crushed. I realized how much he mattered to me. I realized that his smell, his hair, his gentle hands, were something I could never find in anybody else.

When I spent the night with another boy, all I could think about was him. All I could think about was doing everything I was doing, with him, not this boy. Not this boy I met the day before. Not this boy who I knew was using me but wanted to pretend he wasn’t. His hands were not as soft. He did not look as cute when his hair was ruffled. His voice didn’t smooth through me, relaxing me, until the point of pure bliss. He smelled like soap. I hated the smell of soap. I never noticed I hated the smell until that night. His eyes were the same color. They were not beautiful and unique. I did not wish to stare into them for hours on end. I did not wish to fall in love with his eyes. He made me feel self conscious. He made me feel unsafe. He was not him. He was not the one.

Our family took our usual summer vacation two days after we talked. I spent the car ride driving down crying silently, staring out the window, watching as beautiful nature flew by my eyes. I listened to songs I’d never listened to. I finally related to heartbreak songs and I finally realized that this was all my fault. I wished I had never spent the night at that boy’s house. I wished I never made the mistake of thinking anyone else was for me.

A week later I call him. I know he has deleted my number by this point, but I also know he would know it was me. He always knows.

“Hey. I know you hate me and I know you don’t want to hear from me right now but I really need to say something. And I know it will make everything worse and I know you will hate me even more but I have to say it. I love you. And I’m sorry it took that conversation in the car for me to realize it and I’m sorry I fucked everything up. It would’ve killed me not to tell you. I probably should’ve let it, I deserve it”

My voice shook and I couldn’t stop it. I was so afraid. I was so afraid to admit it to myself and I was so afraid as to what would happen after this. Would he hate me more? There was a part of me that hoped we would get back together again. Yet, there was another part of me that knew that was completely irrational and unhealthy.

We talked. Face to face. He listened to the voicemail in the bathroom of school. He was taking a summer class. He assumed it was a voicemail of how much I hated him. He was so afraid to listen to it. And when those three words finally left my lips, he was crying. Sobbing in the public restroom because he couldn’t help himself. Finally, the girl he had chased after so lovingly loved him back. He had done it. He always knew, too, he always knew I loved him. Funny how I thought he was ridiculous when he laid out exactly what was going to happen when we broke up. He said he knew I loved him and that he knew I knew. He said I took him for granted and that when I finally hook up with someone else, I will realize how special he was. Funny how I chose to break his heart over and over again instead of admitting the facts to myself. The fact that I loved him.

#love #love quote #quote #writer #new writer #aspiring author #aspiring writer #narrative

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