#Like I should probably be switched... I just don't want to keep buying clothes or have my mom comment on my weight :-( | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

stellarsong-official · 1 year

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Out Of The Loop

I feel myself fading in and out, eyes seeing blurry visions of life. I want to sleep. This was his fault—he killed me without a weapon.

-.-

Beep! Beep! Beep!

I jolt awake, and my eyes suddenly open. It was a dream; I had a dream. There was a man and...

The memory of the dream slips out of me every second. My eyes tear up, blurring my vision. Heaviness tightens my throat and chest, breathlessness. I'm having an anxiety attack again.

I reach over to the bedside table, which is also my dinner table, to grab the bottle of Xanax, knocking over another bottle—and several more—as I go. Everything's a mess, but my head is spinning too much. I spill out the contents on my hand, one of them falling off my hand and onto the wooden floor. Three pieces left, including the one that fell. I should buy more—I can skip breakfast for three days to afford it.

I take in one of them, downing it with water. The effects will take a while, so I bury my face in my knees and take deep breaths. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts. It's just a dream, a very stressful dream, but it's not real. Everything will be alright, Pauline; there's always a brighter day.

I can hear my therapist and her reassurances as the meds take effect, along with another male voice—probably someone I've heard on TV.

Once my anxiety attacks had stopped, I check my phone for the time. It's still early enough to take a bath for work—I'll do it quickly.

My stomach grumbles as I put on my uniform. It's some kind of jacket, coat thing. It's formal, and suitable for where I work. The pay doesn't reflect the uniform, but I have no right to complain as a mere employee.

I take my almost empty bag of anxiety pills, wallet, and extra clothes and walk out of the room to start my 30-minute walk to Prima Mall.

-.-

Prima Mall is as generic as its name. It's a "high-end" mall with all the branded and expensive stuff no one can afford. There are branded bags, shirts, underwear, and jewelry. And I have the pleasure (it's not) to work in the smallest jewelry shop in the area. Our generic shop sells diamonds and gold, all of them are generic jewelry with generic designs.

I walk up to the store, disarming the security system to get in with no trouble. I have not tripped it accidentally before and I'd like to keep it that way.

The darkness of the room at the opening seconds is the only peaceful part of working here. There's little to no light, nothing to show off the shiny jewelry, no annoying customers, and no manager pricks. Unfortunately, I need to destroy that peace. I flick the light switches on, filling the room with glaring brightness.

The clipboard containing the shift schedule is on the floor, instead of behind the counter. I pick it up to check who I'm working with today.

No one. No one for the next 6 hours, then I leave. Great, no one to deal with other than the customers.

I do all the prep work, making sure the displays are still intact and checking the glass doors for any cracks. Nothing, as usual. I stand behind the counter and unlock the front doors, starting the day.

-.-

Nothing has happened for three hours—a typical day. No customers, no calls, no nothing. I'm trying to avoid my phone because the last time I used it, the manager went in and scolded me so much, I almost quit. Still, I take glances to keep myself from going insane.

A man in a black jacket lingers in front of the door, sneaking glances into the shop and at me over the many posters. I don't know if I should be relieved or dreading that we have a customer. I plaster on a smile and walk up to open the door and greet the customer.

"Pauline!" As soon as I open the door, the man rushes in and embraces me. Like any sane person, this catches me off guard. The man breaks off and looks me over, pure joy on his face. "I thought I'll never see you again." He hugs me again. "I love you. Please don't leave me."

I wrench myself away from him, pushing him away as much as I could. "Who the hell are you?" I rack through my mind for any info on this person, but my waning memory makes me unsure if I've met him before or not. He has dark brown hair, lightly tanned skin, not-so-sharp jaw, but it has a nice shape. Looks around my age, but since rich people usually look 10 years younger, I assume he's in his mid or late 30s.

The joy on his face fades away. "You don't remember me?" I shake my head. "I'm sorry that I've been so careless and brash, but we were super close to breaking the time loop that—"

"Did you say time loop?" I cut in. He stops and nods.

"We—I am in a time loop and I told you, then you helped me, but then you got stuck repeating this day over and over like me, then..." he stops. He stares at my face, a lightness coming to his features. "Do you remember me, Pauline?"

"Nah, I don't know you. Do I usually remember?" I ask him. I'm not sure why I'm asking as if he's actually in a time loop, but that's where my headspace is at.

He nods frantically. "When I told you, you remembered everything and..." he trails off and pulls out a book, leafing through the pages. "Why don't you remember me?" he desperately mutters.

I entertain the strange man further. "Maybe this isn't a time loop?" I say. My remark takes me aback. Do I think that he's telling the truth?

My heart is hammering as he looks up at me with a quivering mouth. "Do you think so?" he asks. He looks like a sad puppy.

My observation didn't stop my anxiety. I struggle out a reply, stumbling more than I should. "W-well, it's just a theory and—"

His face scrunches up and goes red. "If you're not sure, then don't tell me!" he screams. I scramble back, staring him off as I think of an escape. I should run and go to the cops, but my feet are locked in place, and my muscles shaking.

His eyes widen, and he gasps, covering his mouth with his hand. "I... I'm so sorry," he says. "I-I'm not usually like this."

"It's alright," I say over my heartbeat drumming in my ears.

"Why am I like this?" He buries his face in his hand and rests it on top of the glass display case.

The sweat on his face can stain the glass. I need to wipe it out. If the manager sees, she'll grill me.

"Sir, you'll dirty the glass. Kindly step away." He obliges and gets up, allowing me to get a rag to clean the face mark.

"But how do I know this isn't another loop?" He walks around the store, staring at the ceiling. "Everything looks the same."

I don't take my eyes off the stain. "Is there anything that happens when you go on one of these loops?" I say, half-joking.

He stops pacing, staring at the glass cases of jewelry ahead of him. He points to a container full of diamonds.

"A hinge will fall off the door and set off an alarm in 30 seconds." I roll my eyes. I checked those this morning and they're perfectly stable.

"Sir, I think you have to—"

A sudden thud makes me jump, followed by a loud blaring noise. I look in panic as the loud sirens fill the store before remembering that I'm the one to fix it. I rush behind the counter to close the alarm before it calls the cops, which can get me a heavy scolding. Once the noises have stopped, I sigh in relief before confronting the man.

"How did you do that?" I ask, my nerves shaking. He just shrugs nonchalantly.

"I didn't. It just happens around this time."

I stare at him intently, measuring him and his words to see if what he said is the truth. He doesn't seem to be a liar, and he's too sharply dressed to be a petty thief. Either he's insane or...

"Well, if this isn't another loop, then I have to figure it out." He turns away and walks to the front door, only to find it locked. The commotion earlier caused it to close. There's a button under the table. I should press it. "A little help here?" The man nudges the door further.

I should open it. I should unlock the door and be done with it. Everything will still be the same, right? But what if I get dragged into the loop anyway, like the other Pauline? There's nothing to do in this place anyway, just waiting and waiting for customers who will never come. I should open the door.

"I'm coming with you!" I say out loud. He stops and turns to me. His head tilts in curiosity. My palms are sweaty and my head is pounding as I speak onward. "I know I might seem stupid right now, but my life has been so monotonous and—" I'm breathless. "I-I feel like I can trust you."

The man just shakes his head. "I don't think that's stupid."

"Take me with you," I ask like a three-year-old asking to go to the store. My head is swimming.

With no hesitation, he gives me a wide and radiant smile. "Alright. Close up the shop and let's go."

He waits for me outside as I log my time out fifteen minutes before I'm supposed to leave so the time wouldn't be as big as two hours. I close everything up, the lights on the displays closed, and the doors locked. I go to the backroom to change out.

Inside, I strip out of my fancy clothes and into the casual ones I packed. As I put on a shirt, my breathing becomes erratic and I fall to my knees, gasping for air. I need my meds.

My hands are shaking as I searched for the bottle inside my bag. It should be almost empty, but I can't find it. This causes me to panic even more. I focus my eyes on the contents of the bag and spot it immediately. I pry it open and take in a pill.

While I wait for the meds to work, I take deep and long breaths. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts. I don't need to be nervous; the mall has great security. I just need to help this man and go on this grand adventure.

Once it takes effect, the relief and calm wash over my body. I'm fine. Nothing to worry about. I get up and head out of the room.

I take one long glance at the now-empty shop before locking it and closing the door. The man is right outside, waiting for me this whole time. I kinda feel bad.

"Hey there," he greets with a smile. "You ready to go?"

I nod and ask a question I should've asked earlier. "May I ask what your name is?"

"Jacob," he says. "Nice to meet you again." He gives me a warm smile and heads off to the bustling streets of the mall, walking away in a hurry.

-.-

I run after him, my weak legs aching from the effort. My heels are in my bag, but I'm still aching from running in my slippers. We walk (I mostly run) through the fashion area inside the mall and into a clothing shop.

Jacob dives into a pile of clothes in a dark corner. The girl behind the counter just looks over at us and shrugs when she meets my confused stare. I stand behind him, looking over his shoulder like an idiot. He looks back at me over his shoulder.

"I could use a little help here." All the warmth from earlier has faded. I kneel beside him.

I muster up as much warmth as I can. "What do I need to do?" He shoots me an annoyed look.

"Just find the dress we always look for." He searches intently.

"What dress?" I ask. Jacob throws the pile in his arms and rifles through his bag. He shoves a picture in my face.

"This." It's a simple blue dress with long sleeves. There's nothing remarkable about it, no special design or colors.

"Why are we looking for this?" He purses his lips tight and turns to me.

"Can you just help me first?" he says, exasperated. I press my lips together and nod as I go through the giant pile of jackets, dresses, and the occasional lingerie I had to hide so Jacob wouldn't get the wrong idea.

-.-

After an hour of rifling through the clothes, I finally find the dress. It is as unremarkable as the picture depicts it. He walks up to the counter and buys it, with the cashier being bored out of her mind.

Jacob turns around and walks out, saying nothing. I chase him as he goes from shop to shop, looking for something drab and walking out quickly. I catch up to him in the fifth store.

"Jacob," I say as I pant from exhaustion, "can you please explain what in the world are we supposed to do?"

"We have no time to waste," he says. "We need to fulfill the requirements before midnight." I quickly look at my rickety watch. It's noon.

"Twelve hours is still a lot, man. Plus, you can redo this faster the next time you return here with me in the loop." I pull him towards a nearby bench. "Tell me what's happening so I can help." Hesitantly, he obliges.

"According to this guide, I need to find seven items. They're the consistent pillars of this day." Jacob points to his book, filled with diagrams and online pics. There's the diamond ring in the shop I work in, the dress we bought, some heels, a designer bag labeled "EXPENSIVE", a pair of shiny earrings that looks frivolous, a phone that is a brand I'm unaware of, and a pill bottle. The book looks like a shopping list for a rich woman.

"Why are these so important?" I ask.

"Because..." he trails off and stares at the book, deep in thought. "That's what I read."

"Have you ever gotten all of them in a day?"

He thinks harder, the panic in his eyes recognizable. "I did... we did...."

"Did it break the loop?"

"I'm not sure." He looks me in the eyes. "We solved it yesterday."

I gesture for the book and he slides it over to me. I flip through the pages. Each page is filled with ineligible handwriting, with diagrams about parallel universes and some guy named Schrödinger.

Then there are writings about me and who I am, all the details I put nowhere online. Did I trust this man enough to share everything that happened to him?

Even I can't share them with myself.

I hand him back the book, unsure what to make of it. "Where'd you even get this guide?"

"It's... the only thing that carries over in every loop."

With that response, I stand up and walk to the nearest food stall. As I walk away, someone grabs my hand, pulling me back. I look down to see Jacob with panic in his eyes, tugging at my hand.

"Where are you going?" he asks. A suppressed memory of my dad surfaces in my mind, making me shudder inside. My throat tightens.

"I-I'm going to buy us food." I try to yank my hand away, but his grip tightens.

"Don't go," he says with no earnestness, but a cold command.

"I'm just going to buy so we won't be hungry while we're buying the items." I yank my hand away more until my whole body is pulling away. He lets go.

"Be back in five minutes." Jacob returns to his book, allowing me to run away.

-.-

I come back with two packs of fried churros and a sauce packet. He sees the food I'm holding and scowls.

"You took that long for carnival junk?" he asks, his face reddening.

I check my watch; only five minutes had passed since I left. "I'm on time. It's the cheapest store in the entire mall." I hold out the second bag to him as a peace offering. He shoves it away nonchalantly. "Suit yourself." I take a churro from the paper bag and eat it out of spite.

He gets up and walks away without waiting for me. We continue our visit from store to store, with the heels being easy to find and purchase at the empty, dilapidated store. The designer bag made Jacob grumble in anger but he bought it anyway.

We headed out to get the earrings from a thrift shop right outside the mall. The sudden wave of heat from the outside world hits me in the face, but I ignore it. Jacob groans at the temperature. I roll my eyes. I do not doubt that this guy is rich and pompous.

The thrift store is quaint. It's well-lit and filled with wares, a decent number of them being very tacky. Jacob leaves me to search through the huge heap of items in the middle of the store. Sigh. I do the same, searching through the clothes, alarm clocks, and questionable items to find a small pair of gold earrings.

-.-

Hours of searching and we have gotten nowhere. There is little to no jewelry, and the only earring I found has a different design. I can hear Jacob getting more and more frustrated as he claws through the pile.

"Agh!" He kicks the stand the heap is on, causing it to wobble precariously. "Stupid earrings," he says along with some curses. I notice the shoppers look our way, some gasping and whispering to themselves or the people with them. He walks away, slamming the door open on the way out.

"Is he okay?" A gruff voice says behind me. I turn around to see who seems like the shop owner.

"I'm... not sure." The man just nods and walks away, leaving me staring at the door dumbfounded.

-.-

I'm walking back to my apartment with thoughts racing through my head. They whiz past my mind in such a hurry that I can't latch onto any of them. But I can describe some of what I feel—confusion, anger, disappointment. None of them are positive, which is to be expected. I pull out my phone from my bag and wake the screen. My heart chills at my manager's message.

You went AWOL in the middle of your shift. Every employee must be replaced and a notification when leaving for any reason. You're fired immediately.

I let out a shaky breath through my mouth.

I continue my walk home, not bothering to check both ways before crossing the street. But my alertness still tells me when to slow down. I can't turn it off; why can't they just go faster?

"Hey, miss!" a male voice calls after me as I reach the other side of the road. I look around for the source of the voice, hoping it's Jacob. I spot someone on my left—it's the same man from the store earlier. "Hey! Your partner dropped this picture at the store while he was stomping out." He hands me the picture of the earrings we're looking for.

"Oh, thanks," I say as I turn and walk away.

"Wait!" I halt at his call and turn back to him. "I have this product in the pile somewhere. If you go back to the store, you can buy it right now."

I weigh his offer in my head. The best outcome is I get the earrings. Then what? Do I hunt down Jacob? I don't even have his number. The worst...

Well, the worst is that he lures me in and rapes me.

I'm at the point where that no longer scares me. I have nothing left to protect anyway—I lost my virginity long ago and my wallet and bank account are empty. If he kills me himself, then at least that's a bonus.

If he isn't malicious, I can keep the earrings out of spite.

-.-

I follow the shop owner back to his store, which is now shining with bright fairy lights. There still are people inside, so I don't think this guy can touch me easily just yet. I step inside and the breeze of air conditioners blasts me in the face.

"Give me a moment, I'll go get it for you." He goes into the back room, leaving me alone to check out the store for the first time. I go to the nearest aisle.

Every inch of the shelves is littered with graffiti, so much so that the porcelain plates are too out of place. The drawings are mostly phallic objects and crude words. One, in particular, caught my eye, though.

If happiness comes from within, I need surgery!

Relatable right there, pal.

Before I could explore more of the shelves, the shop owner comes back out.

"Here it is, miss. It's the right one, yes?" He holds out a sealed bag containing silver earrings that are almost blinding to look at.

I nod. "Yeah, that's the one." I reach into my bag for my wallet.

"Oh, no, please take it! I won't charge you for it," he says. I freeze.

One question goes through my mind. Why?

He must have read my face because he goes into a spiel. "Don't worry! I'm not asking for anything else. It's just that I saw how sad you were when your partner did that thing, so I wanted to comfort you, but you left so quickly. Good thing I found you so I could give you this. I know I said you'll buy it, but then I realized you're probably having a horrible day, so here you go."

TL; DR, he'll give it for free because I had a bad day.

I hesitantly take it from him. "Thank you," I say. He smiles and goes back to behind the counter. Confused, I walk back out to the streets.

I hail a taxi and head back to my apartment. The trip home is bright and blurry as tears fall from my eyes. I stop thinking and allow myself to feel. It's all going to be over soon.

I get dropped off in front of our apartment complex. Thank goodness I still have some money to pay for the anxiety pills after the fare. I head into the pharmacy below to buy them.

-.-

I got them.

The pill bottle in my hand is heavy, or is that my heart? I feel like I accomplished something by having it. But... what's the reason I bought this again? Do I plan for there to be next time?

-.-

I switch on the lights in my empty apartment. The dim lights flicker pathetically as they start up. I breathe in and cover my nose. It smells like wet diapers in here.

I rush to the nearby window and open it, letting fresh air filter in from the outside world. I breathe a sigh of relief, which was replaced by emptiness.

My phone vibrates in my bag, and I check it hopefully. Did my boss change her mind? Does someone want to talk to me? Maybe...

It's the bank notifying me about my balance of 0's.

Great.

I realize I don't want this anymore—the constant cycle of hope and disappointment. What's the reason I trusted some stranger because of a party trick? Why did I leave my job?

Thoughts flood into my mind and I can't breathe, spiraling deeper and deeper into insanity. I don't want these thoughts anymore. I don't —

The pill bottle drops onto the floor, the contents inside spilling out. The seal seems to have broken.

I recall the side effects of Xanax—drowsiness, dizziness, and muscle weakness. If one pill could do that to a person, what could five do?

I check the time. It's one hour before midnight. Plenty of time to plan before I commit to it.

I dare myself to hang on till the last minute of the day. If I get a call, I might change my mind.

-.-

I sit on the floor with my laptop, opening the word processor app for the first time in 3 years. I chew on my right index finger as I think up what to write. Who do I write to? My parents, whom I haven't talked to in five years? My boss, who just fired me? Perhaps my non-existent friends?

I tell my story to whoever gets to read it, everything that went right and everything wrong. Why I feel this way, why no one else should be this way, and my diagnosis. It's hypocritical writing this, considering I'm about to do the thing I'm against.

In a few minutes, I finished the letter. I check the time. Only fifteen minutes have passed. Ugh.

There's nothing left to do but wait.

I lean back and close my eyes. Suddenly, my phone rings. It's from an unknown number. Well, looks like my plans are canceled.

I am both disappointed and relieved.

I pick up the phone; the call is from an unknown number. Who could this be?

I press the phone to my ear.

"Hello, Pauline?" It's a male voice. Ugh, it's Jacob.

"What's your problem?" I ask, my voice rising too high, but I brush off my concern to seem rude. He deserves it, anyway.

"Listen, I know I messed up, and I know that's an understatement. I did some self-reflection, and I realized why your memory reset, but mine wasn't," Jacob says.

A spur of hope and curiosity lights up in my heart. "Tell me why then."

There's a bit of silence on the other line. "I'm not sure if I'm comfortable saying it over the phone. You want to come over to my house?"

"No," I say, without hesitation.

More silence. "W-why not?"

"I'm not going out of my house until tomorrow."

He pauses for way too long again. "I have a swimming pool," he counters.

"I don't care."

"Fine, I'll go to your place. Give me your address."

I gave it to him. I don't trust the guy, but considering I was suicidal 5 minutes ago, what's the worst that could happen?

-.-

Jacob arrives at my front door with a harried look. He pushes in through the door with a force that causes me to stumble backward in a panic.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you." He holds out his hand out for me to take. I ignore it and get up on my own.

"It's fine. What were you going to tell me?" We sit on my bed next to each other, since it's the only chair available. "Why did my memory reset?"

"Well, I remember you were crying a lot, then it stopped. You looked empty and—" He freezes, staring off in one direction. I follow to see my laptop open, with the screen still on the letter. Jacob looks closer, making my blood run cold.

"Please don't," I say, my eyes too afraid to see. He reads further, and I watch as his expression turns into worry.

"You were suicidal..." He trails off. "I thought—"

"Thought what?" I say to cut him off, the tears in my eyes blurring my vision. "That I'm mentally stable?"

"No, no! I thought you were killed..." Jacob goes quiet as tears flow out of my eyes. "Was it my fault?"

"Why are you asking me? I'm not her," I say. My tears burst out uncontrollably, making me breathless as I sob. "Get out of here, please. Let me forget."

I feel arms wrap around me, and I smell the musky perfume Jacob wears. I instinctively return the embrace.

"There, there," he says as he pats my head. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" I ask in protest.

"For everything." He pats me some more on the back.

"That changes nothing," I mutter.

"Then I'll change it tomorrow or today or whatever day it will be." He lets go, and I quickly miss his warmth as he looks at his pricy watch. "It's fifteen minutes before twelve. I should probably be asleep by now."

"Have you tried staying up and seeing what happens once it's midnight?" I ask him.

Jacob shakes his head. "Never, to be honest. I guess it's because I'm too scared of what happens if I do."

"Then let's find it out together." I shut my laptop screen close and face him. "Tell me everything."

Jacob retells me about the first time he got in the loop. He bargained with a sketchy magician to fix a failed investment. At first, he expected a single redo, but he slowly realized it would repeat forever.

Then, he met me—or the alternate me. He mentioned he was stuck in a loop and that Pauline helped him, no questions asked.

The eternal loop became happier, he told me. They grew to think of each other as lovers, always together and both hopelessly in love. But as their perception of time passed on, Jacob grew more agitated about breaking the loop.

"I forced her to do things for me and I shouted and shouted and..." He trails off. "I think I broke her." Jacob buries his hands in his face. "I broke the girl I loved because of my selfishness."

Unsure what to do, I put a hand on his shoulder. He immediately shrugs it off.

"You're not her," he says.

"And that's a good thing," I say. "That Pauline is gone, and I took her place for a reason. I've heard your story, and you did some questionable things, but I know there's still good in you and..." I put a hand on my heart. "... I can fix you."

He turns around to look at me as if seeing me for the first time. He stares for a minute before speaking. "Do you wanna go out tomorrow?" He asks.

I smile. "Sure, I would love to."

We turn to the wall clock to see it is now past midnight. The clock ticks as if it were normal.

"This doesn't happen, right?" I ask.

"No, it doesn't," he says.

"So, the loop is broken?"

"I think so."

I don't take my eyes off the clock, half-expecting something to happen.

"Where are we going tomorrow?" Jacob asks me.

I pry away from the clock and turn to him with a bright smile. "How about the mall?"

#creative writing #writing prompt story #short story #depression #anxiety #xanax #time loop #repeat #time #one day only

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