#LessonsFromLove
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Foot in the door
I don’t know what you are going through. I don’t need to. After enough life experiences, I know that it can usually be put into some bucket. Physical, emotional, professional, financial, legal, fatal or something else. Whichever bucket it is, if we don’t die, we live to tell that story. It becomes a memory, which gets told over and over. Till one day, we have healed from it and it becomes an emotionless narrative.
I have gone through many such experiences alone for long now. I always came out of the experience and healed. But looking back, I know it would have been a different if I had someone to share it with. I don't mean share the details, but just have someone to hold me when I was broken, confused, angry. Someone who wouldn't judge, ask, berate, advise. Someone who could just be there. I want to be that person for you.
I do not come to you right now to fulfill my longing. There is another time for that. I come today, to be with you. I don’t need you to fix us or give us attention. Us is doing fine. I am very certain of how I feel about you. I don’t need that validated. Even if you walk away today, never speak to me again and find me years later, my heart will still hold that love for you, intact.
I understand that perhaps you have not seen a love like mine before. My love is unconditional. I give. I have great force and energy within me and it is very powerful. You may find all of this disturbing, probably even distracting right now. But I need you to trust me. I need you to know I come to offer peace, calm and strength. I don't come for us, I come for you.
You are strong and independent. You don't need any help. But I am not coming to help. I am just coming to let you know that you aren't alone. I know you have not done this before. Neither have I. But I know it will be better together. I won’t talk, I won’t ask, I won’t touch. I understand space. I have dogs. I know I can hold, but not hug, go close, but not breathe over. They have bitten me, walked away, growled. I don’t want you to either walk away or bite me.
All I am asking you to do is to trust me. I am not pushing for time or attention. I am only pushing for you to open that door and let me in. Let me come and sit next to you, just be there. Do nothing. Talk nothing. I need you to open up to loving of another kind.
We will take it one step at a time. I will put a foot in the door. If you find my feet stinky, I will not move further. If it’s really bad, I will withdraw. But I will keep standing outside that door while you are on the other side. I am not leaving.
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Sober is feeling the feelings all the way through. . I was forced to make a difficult decision yesterday morning. One that has had me in tears every hour since. . I awoke Friday morning at O’dark thirty and immediately noticed something was wrong with Lola. . I rushed her into the vet's office the moment they opened. It wasn’t good. . Working from home, being an empty nester with a whole lot of love to give Lola was the perfect sponge being rescued from a tragic situation involving an imperfect human that wasn’t in good health herself. . Lola & I were a perfect match. Bossy, protective, sweet, loving, and grateful. We stuck like glue. . Her medical records showed a rough past and many health issues but we’d see what love could do. . I only had her two and a half years but we loved so well in that short time. Better than many are able to love or be loved in a lifetime. . You see, I’ve learned to feel all the feelings, think the thoughts, say the words, do the things. . Every single day was our best day together. . Even in this wretched pain I know to feel the feelings all the way through so I can get back to the beautiful memories we made. . And to be available to continue to make meaningful memories with those I can still see, hold, hear, and connect with. . Sober is experiencing life awake and aware—all of it. Sober is being alive. . If we didn’t know the agony we wouldn’t appreciate the joy. . My heart is broken. I cannot rest completely, yet. But I will. . If I drank I’d probably be waking up now with a hangover feeling the anguish tenfold and thinking of a million things I did wrong, but living sober I was conscious and clear with every decision I made. I’m cleansing the wound with tears and I will heal. . Thank you, my love, Lola. You loved me in such a unique and powerful way that has taught me so well to just let love flow messy and pure. . #lessonsfromlove #author #theprimeddrinker #loveletter https://www.instagram.com/p/B6ViGDSJFSr/?igshid=18xq9d2i3t4mo
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A few things you taught me:
'I like spending time with you, too' is not a profession or confession of interest.
The word 'too' is not even necessarily any indication of equivalence.
e. j.
#lessonsfromlove#thoughts#bitter#love#young love#poets on tumblr#writers of tumblr#poetry#latenightlessons#thingsiwishiknew#neverforget
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I wish everyone meets that person who will show them how much unbounded love they are capable of. That love we seek, is truly within.
Someone will break us real bad, and we will see ourselves, still loving through those cracks. And as time passes, we will realise that it was never the other person. It was always us. And what was within us.
Shweta Thakur
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Understanding the damage
Here are the things I have observed from my love timeline:
1. The times that I have been really excited about a relationship were the times when I was besotted with someone.
2. Every time I was besotted, the love story did not go anywhere. It ended with rejection, separation and a broken heart. The younger heart healed faster. As I moved from Man 1 to Man 2, healing was very fast, from Man 2 to Man 3 - it took atleast 4-5 years to get over the pangs, and Man 4 took me 7 years to get over.
3. I never really dated. I just went in. Every single time. I was not trying to find out anything. I was already in love with whatever they were going to offer. And atleast for the men I was besotted with, it holds true even today. I still love them - some with an equal intensity, but a different expression.
4. I was mostly always in really weird situations with all of these people. I was never really having a normal relationship anywhere except with my husband.
5. Somewhere, I know I found the relationship with my husband very safe, stable, comfortable - but more friendly than lover-ly. I seeked thrill in a relationship - which I have now started calling as magic. There is something that’s there between two people. I can’t create it. It needs to exist by itself. Without that, I would just be settling.
6. I know I do not want to settle for anything any more. Once I have experienced that magic, two times over, I do not wish to be with anyone where it doesn’t already exist.
7. I still have the fear of saying no to someone. I still fear the concept of breaking up. I realised it is not so much for my sake, it has been for the sake of the other person - of how they will feel. I have always known good men, and breaking their heart hurts me. But I have grown to realise that if I can’t give that person an honest me, it is worse than breaking their hearts.
8. I have learnt about the idea of dating only now. I have learnt that it is ok to meet people - and not want to meet them again. I had that guilt also piling up with me for the longest time.
9. Even now, I see a pattern. I go all in. I get to know the soul of the person. And they feel intensely close to me because of that. I bare my soul only to very few. But somehow, a lot of them get to know me. My connections with people are still not the frivolous kind.
10. I have not had the luck of knowing anyone so far who will share enough time and space with me for me to understand how that will work. I do not know how I will be in a relationship today. I have not yet found out.
11. The opportunities being sent my way currently are like baby steps towards sharing time and space - it’s mostly digital time and mental space. I guess slowly I might people otherwise.
12. I give. I do not know how to hold back. I do not know how to ask back. I take whatever is given to me. Truly, I think I have gotten used to crumbs. I can live off that. I do not know how to demand. I always wonder if it is my place to.
13. I open up my mind and heart to their propositions. I have done polyamorous relationships. I am currently the affair in many such equations. I seem to be ok with it. I do not know if it is because I don’t have anything better. Have I made my peace with the fact that this is the best I will get and hence, have adjusted my mind to it or if I truly want to live like this. I truly understand such equations and relationships, I just don’t know yet if I would want to be in one of them in an objective scenario.
14. I don’t know if I have made my work my life’s mission so hard that I do not prioritise this aspect of my life. Or is it only because there isn’t anything here, so I keep myself busy.
15. For the last 7 years, I have been in love with a version of someone who was something to me. I kept wanting to be with him through out. Honestly, I thought we would end up together. I didn’t there would be another possibility after all that it went through. But that didn’t happen. Surprisingly, when the end happened, I was much better prepared to handle it than I thought I would.
16. I feel like Devdas suddenly stopped drinking one day and now doesn’t know what to do. I have not found any one person to be with ever since. I have found a bunch of nice people who I have befriended. I do not know if I want a person today or not. Somehow I feel I do. Then I feel I get cold feet. This is the little bipolar me about relationships.
17. I am continuously met with rejection. I want to consistently dive in and see where it goes and if it doesn’t, it is ok. It happened with the last one where the other person did the same thing. Honestly, I was happy that happened. Even though I did grow the courage enough to call it off. But in all other cases, I seem to be over enthu and eager. I do not like hiding it, because if I like you, I do. However, if it is not reciprocated with the same enthusiasm, then clearly there’s no magic there right?
18. I have truly forgotten what it was like to share physical space with another human. I do not know when I will be able to do it again. Currently, the short bursts of it that I have by spending a night, or 2 days together, seems surreal. It always becomes just a haze of talking and discovering. It is nothing normal and mundane. I don’t know how that will be again. I want to know. But somewhere, I think I have gotten convinced that it might not actually happen ever again.
19. I do not know what it would be like to find that magic and live with it every day. I do not know if it will wear off if I had access to it all the time. My favorite love story had showed me that love kept frozen in time, lasted. But it was pretty much because it never got to be what it could. Unfulfilled love is very romantic. But can fulfilled love be the same? I do not know that. When I read Bridge Across Forever, I believed in it again. I felt that I was not the only one who thought there could be a forever - till whenever it lasted. It could be magical everyday - even in the mundane. Ofcourse, you give yourself the time and space to keep the magic alive - relationships are work. But it seems to be possible.
20. I know I want to experience one normal, magical relationship in my life. I don’t know if I ever will. Sometimes I feel I don’t give people the chance. Sometimes I feel I shouldn’t have to. It should just be. This is truly my duality. I really cannot figure out what I want right now. Till I don’t, I guess I will just flow. Also, if I keep believing, then anyway, it will pan out the way it would, right?
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My love timeline - acknowledging the damage
I have not really thought about my love life enough ever to really come to terms with the person I had become because of it. I am not sure how it has happened, but in the last few months, I have gotten to know a little more of myself in this regard. So I decided to consolidate my thoughts thus far.
My love life started out early - in school. It came to me. I joined in. Now my memory is a bit faint, but I don’t think I am completely sure if that relationship was a real one or just one to take advantage of a school girl sexually. I don’t know if he loved me. Now, I don’t know if I loved him. I don’t know if I understood love then at all.
My next relationship was with a woman. An experiment as some may call it, but life changing. I became open to liking and loving women ever since. I don’t think I am a lesbian or want to be in an all female relationship today. I like the physical anatomy of a man - much as I appreciate the beauty of the female form. But to love physically, I desire the hardness of a man. Emotionally, I want to be a woman more than I allow myself to be today. I fear that with a woman, I would need to end up dealing with more of the emotional stuff, which will make me even more distant from my own emotions. These might just be my justifications - while I need none - to say that I am clear that I want to be with a man.
But the second relationship also happened - as a result of some very strange circumstances. I did not will it. I played along. And it is important to note the fact that I have allowed love and relationships happen to me in the past.
When I finally interacted with men in my post graduate college, life changed. There wasn’t a concept of dating that I knew of. So I did not look for that either. I went and loved the men that I did. I do not think I was expecting anything to go anywhere. I had the idea of marriage as a clear milestone and I know others did too. But I don’t think I was thinking too much when I interacted with the initial few men.
I fell hard with one guy, in my first year. I spent the entire first year pining for him. I was around him all the time. But he was in another relationship. I slept with that man almost every day for a year in the same bed, without as much as a kiss. I looked out for him. I was just there - waiting for him to take me. But he was committed. And that was the first time I faced rejection. Somehow, that quickly died. I guess that’s how young heart is. It gives more, heals faster.
Then I fell harder. This was possibly the first ‘normal’ relationship for me. I did not seek this one out. It happened. He wasn’t seeking out either. But we were driven towards each other. A very odd circumstance once again. He was just out of an 8 year old relationship. Then he was here, loving me. However, there wasn’t any tag. I wasn’t a girlfriend. I was possibly the rebound. But I know on this date, I wasn’t. But that romance was shortlived - atleast then. This time, however, I was really in love. I cried. Over and over. That it ended. It ended rather abruptly. Primarily because he wasn’t ready for me then. Things happen for a reason. I couldn’t move on from this one. For the longest time. I discovered that a little later in my timeline.
Then, once again, walked in a man - quite literally so. He picked me up from my crying dump and loved me. I loved him too. However, I am not sure if it was meant to be a relationship that it was. I mean, obviously it was. But truly, it was never that intense for me. It was my rebound. But he was safe. He was giving. He seemed like a logical conclusion. I graduated from my college with him by my side. He was the most loving person I have known this far.
During the course of seeing him, the previous man did come back many times - seeking me out. I didn’t have the courage to move out of this relationship. It was fear and inertia. I didn’t know how to break up. Because I had never done so before. Primarily, because I hadn’t been in a real relationship - except for my girlfriend. We had broken up because she was moving to another country. Since I didn’t know any better, I just continued what I had. I didn’t have it in me to break this man’s heart.
I got married to him after 4 years of live-in. Things didn’t really change for us. Except, they changed for me when I started my own company and met another man. He introduced me back to me. He gave me courage to really break out of the mould I had set myself into. I was always free in my mind, he set me free physically.
With this man, I felt those butterflies I had felt 5 years back in college. I enjoyed sex the way it was meant to be. I learnt so much. I was besotted. This was meant to be. I got the courage to finally let go off the only man who had loved me and committed to hold my hands always. I did not know what lay ahead for me. I didn’t care. In that moment, it seemed the right thing to do. To set my husband free - and not to hold his life hostage with mine.
That was a milestone. Because standing today, my marriage was the last real relationship I had - where I was someone in someone’s life.
That love went places in terms of distance, but nowhere in terms of displacement. We were only business partners and friends then, we continue to be that today. But there is a long journey we covered together in between. We are better for it.
In this journey of the last 20 years and the people I loved, I feel I have been damaged more than I give myself credit for. I believe I am very normal, I have simple desires, I give to everyone than I take, etc etc. But the truth is that I am damaged. And I need to analyse it to really get to know myself better and be able to open up my heart once again.
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The curse of the other woman
My first man,
five years older
when I was in school
Showered me with gifts
Broke up. Came visiting
To make up
Sat across the room
With a girl in his arms
I was now the other woman
My friend took me home that night
My school friend's boyfriend
We had my first one night stand
And he asked if I could be his 2nd girlfriend
The other woman
This girl in college
Said don't be stupid
These ideas of men are not good
You deserve better
And she loved me
I was the only woman
But her ex wandered around the halls
And I would be haunted sometimes
By the ghost of the other woman
I go to bschool
Fall in love with a man
He has a long term girlfriend
But doesn't hesitate in
Sleeping with me
On the same single bed for a year
No sex but enough cuddling
The other woman returns
I fall in love with another man
He can't get over an eight year relationship
He gets up to take a call
From his suicidal ex girlfriend
For the third time in row
By pulling out from inside of me
Once again, the other woman
This man sees me cry
Over my previous lover
Says don't waste those tears
Marries me
I leave him
The only man who ever made me
The only woman
Or even the first woman
I let him go
I fell in love with another
Between his ex girlfriend
And his next, I came and went past
Never being anything
But when he was in a relationship
He would still come
Some days or nights of passion
But never in public
The other woman returns
That never went anywhere
I engaged with an old crush
That broke my previous lover's heart
Never mind that
But this is a married man
Obviously I am the other woman
I meet someone again
After very long
A man who sparks up some magic
It looks like there could be promise here
But he falls in love with someone
But speaks to me everyday
Sharing all the small and big things in life
And while he might never be with her
I will still be the other woman
I do want some attention
A little undivided attention
Maybe it's been long
Maybe I never valued it the two times I got it
But it would be nice
To belong exclusively for a while
Be the other woman for someone
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A see-through shell
I remember while in LSR, when I was just 18, I would have a lot of difficulty asking a friend to go to Amar Colony with me. That was just the local market. I was a Patna born girl in a Delhi hostel with a friend circle comprising of girls from Doon, Mayo, Loretto, etc. I am not sure if I had an insecurity about that then. Maybe I did. Maybe that’s what set in a fear of rejection in me. What if I wasn’t cool enough to hang out with. I didn’t know their music, their food, their culture. But I adapted real quick. I know that insecurity died a fast death. But that fear of rejection has stayed with me till date.
Professionally, I can handle rejection very well because I know how to disassociate my skills from me sense of being. But personally, this fear of rejection has probably hindered any real close bonds in my life. I can give without asking, without making anyone feel obliged or indebted. But I do not know how to ask.
I get cold feet every time I travel. Because I will have to ask someone to pet sit. So I travel only when it is unavoidable. I feel hopelessly helpless when I fall sick. Because God forbid I have to ask someone to do things for me. So I have strengthened my immunity such that I don’t fall sick. When I had an appendix surgery, I was so alone that I got out of the hospital after 2 nights. Because I couldn’t ask anyone to stay with my dogs. I couldn’t bend over for a few weeks after that, to feed them. I figured how to slowly slide down the wall.
More recently, when I had another ankle injury, I couldn’t ask anyone to take me to the doctor. I got myself an auto, got a cast set, came back and then cried. A few years back, I had a numbing nerve pain on my right side. My hands were literally numb. But I couldn’t ask anyone to take me to the hospital. I drove myself. I must have cried inside the MRI machine. It’s a scary place anyway. I was just hoping throughout the drive that I don’t lose complete motor controls since that would be dangerous and irresponsible.
I don’t ask because the very few times I have asked, I have been met with rejections. The same cast time, I asked my shared pet parent friend to give all the dogs a shower. He said something so stupid, that I thought he could have just said a respectable no. I have shifted houses alone. I have gone for Christmas lunch alone. I have watched movies alone. I have gone through a divorce alone. I realise all of it wasn’t macho or the independent woman vibe. I needed help. But I was too scared to ask. And I am just trying to understand why.
The biggest one of these hesitations is to ask someone to hangout with me if I want company. I do not. Not even my girl friends. I wait for people to ask me. So whenever someone does, I am almost always free!
For a good part of my recent love life, if I can call it that, I was reduced to a place where I would ask. So many times. And was met with rejection every time. My self esteem had dropped to such a low that I had no shame in literally begging this man to spend time with me. Most often, that begging didn’t end too well for me in ways more than just the rejection.
That has now scarred me so deeply that every time I ask another man to hang out and he says no, I get triggered. I feel my self esteem get crushed, when it need not. It was probably just a harmless ‘let’s hangout another time’. But I cannot handle that. I don’t know how to.
I have arrived at this chicken and egg situation where I do not know whether I do not have any close relationships because I maintain this distance or it’s because I don’t have close relationships, I have become this distant. Maybe I never give a chance to anyone to get close because I never open up or get that comfortable with them to feel that we can take liberties of any sort. Or perhaps because of no close relationships, I don’t know that being a little comfortable and pushy with people is acceptable if you love each other. So I stay at an arm’s length.
I have also observed that this behaviour is most exaggerated for me in the case of men I might want to be romantically inclined towards, followed by female friends followed by male friends. I am the most comfortable blurring politeness boundaries with my male friends. Funny thing - I have mostly had male friends. So is it because they made it easy, or I had more of them and so I got used to it? But with men I might be interested in, it goes back to a dark place of self doubt. I have never asked my family for help either. They have almost never seen me need anything, or be weak in anyway in the 18 years I have lived away. Not because I haven’t been so, but because I have hidden it from them.
I don’t know how to fix it. All I do is try. I give people the benefit of doubt by hoping they do not reject. Slowly, I take a step forward. But once again, I get rejected and then I just get pushed 3 steps behind. It takes me that much longer to ask the next person or next time.
I realise I am in a shell which is transparent. I make it seem like it’s all there for people to see. And hence, I can make most people feel real close to me. But they can’t reach inside. It’s broadly inaccessible. I have made it so. My self preservation skills have reached such a level that I would rather be alone and distant in that shell than be hurt. And now I worry that I don’t know how to get out of that shell myself.
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Am I ready?
Since I started dating last year, I have observed a pattern in my behaviour. I get really excited about some people. I have great conversations and interactions. And then, I start hyperventilating when the interactions cross a certain time or intimacy threshold.
I have literally spent most of my time in the major adult life of mine with male friends. I am too used to them feeding me with irrational female behaviour. As a friend, I usually listen, understand, reason. Honestly, I do find some of the behaviour irrational many a times. But it is all at the distance of being a third party observer.
Somewhere, I think that amount of information has made me extremely sensitive to what would qualify as that kind of behaviour. I suddenly become very conscious of how much I am pushing someone. I start weighing what I say and how I say it so I am not one of those people who usually make me cringe.
I am also quite sensitive to people. Hence, I know when they are not really in the mood for a particular conversation. However, due to lack of intimacy for the longest time, I am also not very confident about what could be a good conversation to have to even distract or make the person feel better.
Forget intimacy, due to lack of too many sustained people interactions outside of work, I have broadly lost touch with human emotions. I go under the metaphysical cover to deal with mine - changing perspectives about how there are bigger things to cry over or this is going to pass. I do feel - but I don’t usually share the feeling.
And then, there is that one final thing of being labelled all sorts of names in the last known closest human relationship I had. I am so scared of becoming that person again that I am wondering if I am any person at all right now. I am this automatic work machine who knows really well how to solve problems and perhaps save the world, but doubt if she knows how to save her own self.
I can be a great friend, a great person to hang out with occasionally. I am probably not the person people come crying to, because I don’t know what to do. I fear I have been rendered useless at any real human relationship. I might be a great, kind, sensitive person, but perhaps you can’t really expect too much from me.
I don’t know when I will be ready for intimacy of any sort. I don’t know when I will let someone in - actually, that’s easy - someone has to want to be let in :P But I don’t know if I will even find out when I am ready. So there’s one problem I don’t know how to solve.
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Polyamoury paradox
Since I got over my 7-year love hangover last year, I have been trying to actively understand the concept of polyamoury. Here is where I am on this research today.
When I moved to Bangalore in 2010, I started hanging out with the then Bangalore LGBT gang. In 2011, is the first time I heard the term polyamoury. I took it out to be the freedom for the entire friend circle to be with each other, when they chose to be and no one really got upset or overly emotional. That’s ofcourse, my take away.
Since then, that concept came disturbingly close when Magic Man proposed being in a ‘menage-a-trois’ (a word I recently learnt from CB). I couldn’t wrap my head around it. Last year, when I got on to the dating scene, I was still my old one-man forever version of me. So I was looking for ‘the one’. The minute I started talking to someone, I would uninstall the app, focus all my attention to that person. Let that last for 2-3 months and then start over. This year, 2020, I broke out of that.
The reason that I did, was that I had learnt a lot in the last one year. It hit me that we were all in polyamorous relationships all the time. If I just deconstructed the word, it simply meant to be in love with more than one person at a time. Be honest, most of us have been there. No, we are not in relationships with multiple people perhaps. But we are definitely in love. Starting with our family, friends, ex lovers, colleagues. So much love.
But when it comes to a romantic relationship, most often, we choose to be with one person. I used to be that. I just didn’t understand how multiple partners can work. So I asked the people who were openly professing polyamoury to me of how it works. Would there be designated days? What happened if someone was feeling like shit but it was not their designated day, would they be allowed to call me? Would I leave the designated person on that day and go be with someone who really needed me. Would my designated person of the day understand that? There weren’t any clear answers. For the most part, it seemed people were just talking about polygamy and calling it polyamoury - basically have sex with multiple partners but be emotionally invested in one. I never understood that because for me, love & sex come in a package deal.
But I realised in my life in the last one year, that I really could love more than one person, with the same intensity. It truly didn’t matter to me how that love manifested. It didn’t matter if I couldn’t be with them all the time. It didn’t change the way I felt about them. Somewhere, I probably don’t want to be with all of them all the time. I have become very guarded of my space and maybe I want to be with me all the time. But I do want to share. With whomever it feels like, when it does. No, they are not at my mercy. They are beautiful individual beings of their own, not waiting for my love. But when we do exchange, we exchange all of it. There’s no holding back.
Is it possible? Is it ok? Can I deeply, truly, be emotionally and spiritually connected with so many people? Can I share or exchange everything I have with each of them? Will they get miffed if I don’t share something with one? Does it require a really deep understanding of love? Does it need for us to stop being insecure? Does it mean, each of us needs to be happy but want to love as much they could? Is it too hippy?
So many questions. I am on this path of discovery currently. I am happy. I am happy sharing pure happiness with everyone I meet. I do love them, dearly. I don’t feel the need to attach. I am really being true and giving in every interaction. I think I can safely say, that today, I am polyamourous - the way I thought it should be defined. Not platonic love and relationships, not just sexual encounters. But true, deep love and giving in that time and period when the universe brought us together.
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I didn't know I was capable of loving so unconditionally before I met him. And today, I don't know how to love any other way. I fall in love everyday, unconditionally so.
Shweta Thakur
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And he moved on
The universe seizes to surprise you when you truly start believing everything is a plan. Shinoy found out that paaji got married. None of my friends chose to tell me because perhaps they were afraid it would hurt me. Trust me, there was a moment of shock. But then I got accustomed to it. And I was so happy that he found love again. For the longest time, the weight on my chest was that I served him a bad deal. But then, there’s a plan :) what will remains beautiful is that shinoy competes his role in the process by being the messenger of peace. It’s like he made me start it and he helped me close it. A chapter of my life, a very key one. I love life. Bless paaji and his love..
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Of being cheated
I bought into the idea of three. And with the people involved. I gave it a genuine shot. I tried persuading her, talking her through her doubts. I was with him, in spirit, asking him to not lose his calm, trust the people he loved a little more.
I am busy doing this and handling the stress of my family vacation. The next thing I know is that they have spent the night together.
Neither of them felt the need to tell me. She had lots to talk about to him. Gave him perspective so much that he wants to talk to me because he has clarity now. But all this while that I am texting her, she is giving me monosyllablic responses. Erm.. How exactly do I feel comfortable with that?
He stops responding to my texts that evening. I don’t panic. I have no reason to. Next morning his phone is off. Still no reason to panic. But then he so casually tells me he went for a wedding reception with her. Huh? Till like a couple of hours before he stopped responding, we were still talking about how he is getting no calm.
I know it’s not a big deal that they met. It is however, a big deal that no one bothered telling me. It is a big deal that they choose to get comfortable while making me uncomfortable. They don’t think I would feel anything about it. But I do.
I feel cheated. Forget the theory of them being exes and me not being comfortable with that. I feel stupid. About trying with both of them and them taking me for a ride. I feel like an outsider. I feel like neither of them care about how I feel. I feel used. And I don’t trust either of them anymore. Not that they ever did anything to earn my trust anyway. I chose to trust irrespective of who they were to me in the past. But now that trust has been breached. I don’t know how to trust them again. I don’t want to.
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Dhadkan ki dor
Is dil ki dhadkan
Ek dhaage se bandhi hai
Uss dor ko maine tumhare haathon mein di hai
Zara soch sambhal kar kheenchna
Kyonki agar Ek baar ye dhadakne laga
To iski goonj tumhein raton ko bulayegi
Tumhare halke bhaari shabdon ko na bhula payegi
Iski raftaar tumhari zindagi ko bhagayegi
Aur shayad Har doosre din tumhein pagal banayegi
Har baar jab kisi ne ye dor kaati
Ye dhadkan thodi chup si par gayi
Ab ye dor itni baar Kat Chuki hai
Ki lagta hai Kahin ye khamosh hi na pad jaye
Aur mujhe ye dar laga rehta hai
Ki uss khamoshi ki goonj
Kahin Zindagi ki awaaz hi na Chura le
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The aftermath of the first time
Yes so we all suffered. We all decided to do something. Went in head first. And apparently all of us suffered. So to say she got sick. He got sick. And I know I got sick.
Why did that happen? I don’t know. I can’t explain. Why would we all get so drained if it is supposed to be so beautiful? I can’t think of options.
Sure he has theories about me sleeping with someone. Well, he never listened to me and my theories about her when they started. Of course he says he knows. If he knew, he wouldn’t let me suffer so much would he? So I don’t think he knows. He guesses. Hypothesizes. That grief he has given me I will explain over another post.
All good. She seems to be doing fine. He seems to have the usual cough and cold which he refuses to get fixed.
I have a nerve damage. Huh?? I have to go for an MRI because my nerves are being pressed. Not to say it happened in one night, but hey!! Why would it pop up now? So I join the clan of sickness so I don’t feel left out? I remember saying so many times that if I fell as sick as her, maybe then you will give me attention. Funnily, we have gotten closer to it today. Still no attention. In fact, he is still telling me stories if how she is also feeling weak and so is he. How does it become the same? Neither am I talking about only weakness not is this is a regular event for me. But doesn’t matter.
He told her the next morning ask her how much she pays in rent. I tell. I see the face. I see the reaction. That night my water stops coming. She has been hating that throughout the day anyway. So much so that I thought of writing to her and telling her not to hold that against me because that's all I have. But when we get home, we say we need to take a shower. She sits outside. The water runs out. We don't have a proper bath even independently. 6 days later I am still trying to solve that. Tell me another coincidence. Because that’s what he will say. He will blame it on me sleeping with another man 3 months back!
I am not saying people don’t put nazar. Or only bad people do that. It happens. But acknowledge. Stop blaming me for everything. Stop making it about your convenience. I have still not done anything to damage anyone.
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It's too late to say I'm sorry
He says the last three years and my memories of them are 50% my fault. I listen. I don’t agree.
I was in love. And for the first time ever in my life, I was in love since the moment I saw him. It took a while to manifest. I was so in love that I started feeling I was cheating on my husband. I couldn’t be in love with someone else and live a life with another. It wasn’t fair to him.
So we go through an ugly divorce. Of course, today both of us are on our way to mending our relationship. X gets caught in the middle.
He has been dating this fiancee of his. Breaks up. Goes on a massive let me sleep with this entire world trip. Useless worthless women as per me! I watch all of it. Still stay strong about my love.
But my family asks him to leave. He does. He hangs around in the city. Ex comes. I go hang out with her. Shit goes down. I don’t come back home for three days. My husband loses it. Calls up home. It’s over.
My mum calls his dad. Says shit. He loses it on me.
I watch. I did nothing. Maybe that’s the thing I learnt. Had I done something, it could be different. Not sure how my mother got his home number and stuff. For the longest time, he was convinced I gave it. I planned it. I meant to destroy his family. I didn’t even understand how that thought could come in his head.
He leaves. Husband and me continue to live in the same house as flatmates for some time. I call him back. Fight with my family. My dad says he will never speak to me again. I don’t pay attention. He fights with his family. He comes back.
Within a couple of months of coming back, it’s his birthday. His friends are in town. He goes for the celebration. Comes back with this woman.
No notice. No warning. No inkling of something like this happening. What was I doing all this while? Loving of course. Getting a bottle of Remy Martin for his birthday because that’s what you do.
And then it begins. The three torturous years. He has no time for me now. He has to get to know her. She is from a different world. She needs healing. She is not feeling well. She she she. Suddenly, with one birthday, I was out of his life. Had it not been for other circumstances, we would have probably never seen each other and grown apart as unattended love usually does.
But because we had to see each other, the pain started increasing. I couldn’t bear the fact that he suddenly had no interest in me. He didn’t want to know anything about me or my life anymore. And this was a time when I had just separated - in fact was still in the process. My family was estranged. My friends were not approachable because I was the bitch to my husband. I knew no one else.
I was alone. And that’s how I spent the last three years. Alone in bed. Crying. Cursing. Abusing. Fighting. I had only words. To send to him. Because he was never there. I couldn’t talk because I never saw him. I could only message. And that became my outlet. For taking my pain out.
But from there came the abuse. I would lash out with my words on messages. He would lash back with his hands on my face. For the first time in my life, someone hit me. And it continued for 2 years daily. What did I do? Nothing. Continued to love. In some twisted way.
I came to the agreement that when he physically hit me, that was my time with him. I would ensure that happened. I would provoke. That was my only way of getting some borrowed time and attention.
I can’t explain the kind of heart break I had every time I saw him with her, her car in front of his house, them going out, pictures on Facebook. I can’t explain. It was the deepest kind of pain anyone can feel. And the kind of pain you can’t escape.
And he says I am half responsible for that. I don’t know for what. He left. He stopped spending time. He found someone else. He hit me first. He refused to acknowledge my pain. How am I responsible 50%? The only responsibility I will take is that I couldn’t not put the pain back on him - through words. But that didn’t justify everything else that followed. My desperation is not an excuse. He says he was pushed into a corner everytime.
I say I was pushed into a corner, kept there for 3 years and now that it’s convenient, he wants to pick it back up. Like three years never happened. What about the damage caused to me? Who is going to fix that? How am I supposed to forget every possible bitter memory and walk hands in hand with them today. Who’s going to fix me?
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