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ecliphttlunar · 1 day

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Medicine - Chris Sturniolo

Summary: You were having a difficult day where negative thoughts shook you, but luckily your boyfriend Chris is always there to save you

Warnings: cute, hugs, kisses, negative thoughts, a little angst

Author's notes: This is my work, I do not authorize any plagiarism, copying or “inspiration”. English is not my first language, so I'm sorry if there are any grammatical errors.

｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡

You were sad, so sad, at that moment, your life didn't seem to make sense.

You felt ugly, incapable, inappropriate, God! You were feeling every negative feeling there was, even non-existent ones.

And there weren't enough words that could describe what you were feeling.

You traveled all over the world, collected lyrics, but nothing, nothing could describe this feeling that took over your heart.

And so you asked yourself, how could you talk to someone about this?

Talking to others about your feelings was never really a problem, at least not with your closest friends.

But now? You were a child who was left on a road in the middle of the night.

Lost.

Alone.

In the dark.

At least that's what you thought while cooking dinner at the triplets' house.

You thought that no one could understand what you were feeling, not when you couldn't form words, so why waste other people's time, why be inconvenient by saying that you didn't feel well, when no one could understand you, help you.

When you didn't even understand what you were feeling?

You were so focused on your thoughts that you didn't notice Chris's gaze on you.

Chris knew something was wrong the moment you appeared in the room, your shoulders slumped, your eyes heavy, your smile weak, dejected.

You always had big smiles that brighten any darkness, but now? His smile was wan, a smile that tried to hide his tears.

He didn't know what had happened, if someone hurt you, if they said something that hurt you, if you were in physical pain or not.

But he knew, he was sure, that everything wasn't okay.

Then, he got up from the couch, the place he had been sitting staring at you for the last 10 minutes, and walked towards you.

You were always alert to your surroundings, no matter the situation, you always noticed when something had happened to someone, or when a person approached, so when he approached you, and you didn't notice, as if someone had blindfolded you , he worried.

He was behind you, when he wrapped his arms around you, you were a little startled by the sudden contact, jumping slightly, and looking back.

It was just Chris.

You let out a sigh of relief.

"Don't do that anymore, you scared me" You said softly, when you went back to mixing the food in the pan.

"Everything is fine?" He ignored what you said, needing to know what was happening as quickly as possible.

"Why the question?" You ask back.

You always did this, when you didn't want to answer something, you asked the person a question as an answer.

"You don't look like you're on planet Earth today"

"No? Where do I look like I am? In fact, if I weren't on earth, how would you be hugging me now?"

“No, not like that, you’re here, but at the same time, you’re not here” you raise an eyebrow.

“Your body is here, your mind is not” You go back to mixing dinner, taking a deep breath.

"It's okay, I'm just tired" You weren't lying, you really were tired, but one of the main reasons for those words was because you really wanted to close this subject, you know that tomorrow you would wake up better.

But of course, Chris didn't accept that. He knew there was something more, and he wanted to find out what it was.

He was always like that, he was always there for you, even when you didn't want anyone, you just wanted to be alone.

And that was why you loved him so much.

Because he was your guardian angel, your bulletproof vest when everything got dangerous, he stayed in front of you when you were in the crosshairs.

He was there to heal all your scars.

And you knew he could save you now, when you are in the crosshairs of negativity.

His body leaned over yours a little, taking the spoon out of your hand and throwing it into the sink.

You tried to take the spoon back, making the excuse that the food wasn't ready and you needed to stir it more.

But Chris was watching you, he knew that you had turned off the stove for more than 5 minutes.

He turned his body to face him, and hugged his waist.

"Talk to me, what's going on?" He asked again.

But what he received in response was silence, and his eyes were watery.

"Honey..." He began, a speech already planned in his mind to make you speak, at least the basics, so he would know what happened, but this moving speech was not necessary, because right after he called you, the words ran out of his mouth like a river.

And now, you were a mess.

A beautiful mess in Chris's eyes, even with your tear stained face, messy hair, wrinkled clothes, you looked beautiful.

The gods knew how beautiful you looked.

"I don't know, I woke up like this, I'm just sad, nothing really happened, I just... I feel ugly, inappropriate, annoying, I don't know, I, I don't know, I can't explain it." You tried, you really tried, but you couldn't, gods, you didn't even know who you were at that moment.

You didn't know what were happening.

"Hey, hey, it's okay, pretty girl, it's okay, you don't need to say anything else, I already understand, I got you, I'm here with you." He cupped your face and dried your tears, placing a lingering kiss on your forehead. Trying to calm you down.

Which, even though it took a while, worked.

You let out a shaky breath. And when you look up, back at him, you realize he was thinking of a solution.

"What do you think about us lying down, cuddling on the couch, watching a movie, we don't need to say anything, just cuddle, do you want that?"

You smile lightly and nod, hugging Chris's waist, and hiding your face in his chest.

You stayed like that for a while, when you finally started moving to the couch, you on top of Chris, while you chose a movie.

It had been about 10 minutes into the movie, and you were already feeling better, but there was still something bothering you.

And of course, Chris noticed, so he did what he knew would help, what always helps, he kissed you.

He gently grabbed your chin and kissed your lips, making all that pain you were feeling go away.

Making you feel better than you ever have.

He could do this.

He was your medicine.

You separate, and look at each other, you smile in thanks, and lay your head back on his chest.

For the first time that day, feeling good.

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quinnylouhughesx43 · 3 days

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Peter

based off of Taylor Swift’s song from The Tortured Poets Department

warning: a bit sad, longing for ex-lover, use of y/n

Ethan Edwards x fem!Reader

summary: Ethan and reader childhood friends —> lovers —> break up —> reader heartbreakingly waiting for his return.

author’s note: the photos are intended to tell the story them growing up. the last last picture are two quotes from the book “better than the movies” by Lynn Painter. (can be found on Amazon, books a million, barnes & noble, etc. links were too long to post)

Ethan and (y/n)’s older childhood friends always joked the two would fall in love one day. It was always a big laugh between the two of you because what business do 8 year olds have thinking about love?

In a blink of an eye you’re dancing at your end of the year eighth grade formal together, your heart has never reacted the way it was at that specific moment. Confused and a bit scared you kept your head staring at the floor while your hands were firmly placed on Ethan’s shoulders. His hands placed awkwardly on your waist. He cleared throat and paused both of your movements. “Hey (y/n)? Can I do something and you promise you not get mad if you don’t like it? We can just forget about it after if it’s weird.” His words were rushed and hands shaking. Your eyes connected with his, a slight nod yes to confirm you were okay with whatever it was he was asking for. As if the world moved in slow motion and no one else was in the school’s lobby, where the formal was happening but the two of you, Ethan ducked his head down just the few inches he needed to in order to give a quick kiss.

The first kiss for both of you.

Awkward, yet not weird for either of you. The beginning of what turned into a long beautiful journey. Until it wasn’t beautiful.

꧁꧂

“(Y/N) I am so tired of this repetitive argument. It happens over and over. I got accepted to Michigan and I got a scholarship for hockey. Their program is notorious for building up their athletes and getting them drafted. Drafted! You’ve known since we were kids that the NHL is what I wanted for myself.” Ethan tried to keep himself composed until he couldn’t. His desire, compassion, and dedication to chasing his dream often overshadowed his love and dedication to you. His childish mannerisms peaking through. “I just want to know where I fit into this plan? This future of yours.” You tried to keep your voice strong and unwavering but just like each time before the lump in your throat prevented you from even being able to breathe properly.

He sat down on the edge of your bed. Quiet minutes passed before he finally spoke again. “Maybe there isn’t an us in the future..” His words are so quiet you aren’t sure if you heard him correctly. “E?” You whimpered. Tears streaming one after the other. He didn’t look at you right away. Knowing if he did his resolve would shatter.

Taking a deep breath, starting over. Looking at you after a couple minutes had passed by and leaning over to wipe your cheeks dry. “I know this is going to be hard to hear. It’s killing me to even say it. It killed me to even think about it recently. I’m going to be gone for a long time for school. I won’t be returning home. My parents will be coming there over the holidays. It will be easier with training. I can’t ask you to sit here while you’re going to school yourself and be tied to me. Especially when we will never see each other. Neither of us have the money for traveling to and from. I’ve been so physically sick thinking about leaving you. We’ve only argued since I decided but honey this is what’s best for me and my dreams. I’m sorry I’m being so selfish but I can’t pass this up. If I stay here I take a chance at never having an opportunity at the NHL at least I know I’ll have an opportunity there.” Your tears stopped at some point. Sadness turned to numbness. Lost to the words he was saying.

“(Y/N/N). I can go and grow up while I’m gone. Get drafted. Or not. Then I’ll come find you if you’re still single. . We can live our dreams then. I just can’t ask you to sit here and be miserably alone.” Pressing a quick kiss to your forehead he left your house. That was the last thing he said to you in person. You didn’t see him again before he left. He tried but you declined. Not wanting to hurt anymore than you already were.

꧁꧂

You just watched Ethan’s NHL debut with the New Jersey Devil two weeks ago. Pride swelled in your heart for him but heartbreak also overtook you. He never came back for you. You’re both 24 now, he could’ve come back after college since he was drafted pre-degree but he never did. Since ‘goodbye for now’ turned into ‘goodbye’ you sat down at your desk and started writing him a letter. You were going to mail it to his mom’s house. She can mail it to him.

Dear Ethan,

I hoped you'd return with your feet on the ground, tell me all that you'd learned because love is never lost when perspective is earned and you said you would come and get me, but we were only 17. My shelf life on the fantasies has expired. Please forgive me, Ethan, I really tried to hold on to the days you were mine. But the young girl turned into a woman who sits by her window has turned out the light.

You said you were going to grow up and you were going to come find me. Promises that were oceans deep, but never to keep.

Sincerely,

(Y/N)

Little did you know he was back in town at his parents’ house and received the letter himself. He was there to see you. He was back for you now that he was settled and could care for you both properly. But he was too late. You had shut the door on him. You stopped supporting him quietly. Stopped following the scores of the games and watching. . Ethan played the rest of the season terribly, not having his number fan, supporter there. It didn’t matter if he knew or not that she was always cheering him on. It just solidified for him, he no longer had his rock. His reason for being. That he fucked up all those years ago. That he no longer had a reason for what he thought was his dream. His dream was really your dreams. He wanted the future you wanted with him and now he will never have it all because of his selfishness back at 17.

#ethan edwards #umich hockey #umich fic #umich imagine #y/n #ethan edwards x reader #ethan edwards x y/n #Ethan Edwards fic #Ethan Edwards blurb #hockey fic #hockey blurb #cay writes #cays masterlist #nhl #new writers on tumblr #new jersey devils #nj devils #nj devils fic #hockey

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stvenzz · 1 day

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he smells like the sun.

that was your first thought about megumi fushiguro. it was surprising, considering his dark-colored clothes. you’d have thought he’d stink like a virgin nerd, but he smells like a warm sunny day. sitting next to him has made you realize how much you miss the days when you’d just drive off to the beach and sit there.

cramped in a small aula, you found yourself sitting closer to him than you’d thought. megumi doesn’t seem to care though, as your elbow keeps knocking against his. “-and of course, i’d like to remind you all that the campus winter ball is coming soon!” the dean says into the mic, and a flurry of groans follow. “it will be held in this very aula, with festive, non-alcoholic drinks! it will be a chance for you to bond with your classmates and get to know the faculty!”

“bond, like he boned one of the students last year.” you mutter to yourself.

that catches his attention. you smell like cinnamon. yes, yeah. like cinnamon rolls. megumi thinks, as he glances at you. he tries to think of why he hasn’t seen you around before - how he doesn’t recognize the cinnamon from your hair. you smile at your own joke, and he can’t help but smile a little too. not that it was funny, but because he thought you were funny. and alluring. and cinnamon scented.

“that’s it for today. i am hoping to see you all next week, alright?” the dean announces, but half of the crowd has already left to attend their morning classes. you start to pack up and leave, megumi does too. you think it’s the last you’ll ever smell sunshine indoors. he’s thinking of the cinnamon buns in the canteen.

the next time you see sunshine - yes, that’s the nickname you’ve come up for him - is during a dorm check. you see, you’ve been staying at a dormitory for a year with someone studying physics. nerds like that don’t usually stay too long in dormitories - they get too homesick and have to go back to their mamas or end up renting some other place less noisy or dirty. you’re kind of jealous, actually. the dorms are most of the time filthy with the smell of weed or tears.

“excuse me,” you hear a male voice chirp outside your room. “[y/n]?” groaning, you get up and fix your shirt. it’s supposed to be my off day. what the fuck is the nerd doing here- oh. there he was. in a pale blue button down and puffer jacket, stood megumi fushiguro - sunshine. “oh. it’s… hi.” he mutters, a light pink shade blushing his cheeks.

unbeknownst to you, megumi had been searching for traces of your cinnamon shampoo all over campus. “hey, do you… smell that cinnamon shit?” megumi would ask his friends, to where they’d laugh and shake their hands.

“you shouldn’t be smoking here.” he says, with a surprisingly confident manner.

you immediately become conscious of the small cigarette in between your index and middle finger, and you raise your eyebrows. “who are you?” you ask, pretending not to enjoy the warmth of his scent. “the new resident assistant.” he says, pointing to his clipboard. his eyes are deadpan, but inside, his heart is beating a mile a minute - he finally knows! you were his mystery cinnamon smell, as creepy as that sounds. “i meant your name, dingus.” you roll your eyes, taking a long drag of the cigarette. at that, his eyes seem to falter in surprise, but he shrugs. “shouldn’t matter. you know i could get you kicked out, right? just for smoking.”

the threat gets you thinking - why were you trying so hard to resist this nerd? “i’m almost finished. be patient, will you?” you smile sweetly, and it’s hard for him not to smile back. there’s an unspoken tension between you two, and it’s not the bad kind. in fact, you feel like you could almost read his emotions and his deadpan face. megumi’s eyes scan around your room, looking for anything he could report.

“well,” megumi scribbles down something on his clipboard. “it’s nice to meet you, [y/n].”

your heart starts beating funny — he didn’t report you for smoking. usually, you’d be more careful when smoking in the dorms, but this time, with your roommate gone and the absence of classes, you decided to just do it once, in your room. oddly enough, that’s the exact time the newly-appointed resident assistant, megumi fushiguro, arrived at your room, looking to check on the conditions of your place.

“you too.”

you put out your cigarette and settle with the fact that you may just never know sunshine’s name.

★☆ a/n: little blurb i wrote when i wuz in love with megumi.

#jjk #jujutsu kaisen #jjk x reader #jjk x fem reader #jjk x gn reader #jjk fluff #jjk x reader fluff #megumi fushiguro #megumi x reader #megumi fluff #jujutsu kaisen x reader

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volturiprincess · 2 days

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Rain

Demetri Volturi x human mate reader

Summary: Reader gets overwhelmed with stress and he's there to support her Warnings: mentions of an anxiety attack, but mostly fluff A/N: Omg someone stop me😁, another one-shot post?? I had to write this because as I was taking my breaks I would work on this, its not proofread but the idea of Demetri calling the reader Spanish nicknames is a must have but throw rainy weather into the topic and muah *chefs kiss*. Enjoy and there will be a second A/N in the end. A little translation for my non-Spanish speakers: Mi cariño: dear or darling Mi vida: My life Princessa: princess Mi amado hermoso: My beautiful lover

(I cant believe it took me a while to write a Demetri one-shot)

I burst through our shared room in a panic state and I saw my lovely mate on his special chair. Before I could even react he was already wrapping his arms around me and cuddling me into his chest. I felt the build up tears I was holding back cascade down my cheeks. Demetri was rubbing my back in comfort and I heard him mumble

“Mi cariño, let it all out, I know you need this”

I sure did need this, all of today I was working on a project for a class and I ended up deleting about half of it and couldn't recover it at all. I always threw my computer out the window but instead I stared at the blank page that was staring back at me with what I could assume was mockery. I did manage to remember a good amount of what I had done and it's back to how it is, but I spent a while in a state of shock and denial.

Suddenly I felt myself shaking physically, my heart increase in palpitation and worst of all I could feel my breath becoming shorter. Demetri picked up right away that I was dealing with an anxiety attack and he guided me toward the balcony to the fresh air and the light rain.

“Mi vida, look its raining, you love the rain, hey look at how pretty it looks”

I turn my head to be able to face the scenery instead of his very well built chest to see how soft and calming it is currently. I told Demetri before that I love the rain, it's my personal safe haven other than his arms. I felt my trembling and shaking diminished slightly, my heart rate started to slow down to a more reasonable way but my breathing was still a problem.

I felt him tilt my head up so I was looking at him and my breath for a minute hitch, he looked breathtaking right now. There were small droplets of rain running down his face which caused his hair to stick to his forehead and his eyes were full of adoration. He looked beautiful at that moment, well he always looks beautiful, I heard him one time arguing with Felix and he ended the conversation with “Dont hate me because im beautiful”.

I smiled at the memory and soon enough he had a look of curiosity with a matching smile

“What's got you smiling like that princessa?”

“I was just think about your statement to end an argument with Felix, the don't hate because i'm beautiful”

His laughter filled the gloomy atmosphere that the rain created, his laugh sounding like music to my ears. One of his hands started to caress my cheek gently, his coldness immediately sending a small shiver down my spine but also somehow started to steady my breathing.

“Look at you princessa, your doing so good in breathing, such a good girl”

I blush at the praise which he never fails to miss, he knows what praises from him does to me, many thoughts come to mind but I push them away for now since I am still recovering from the earlier events.

“Do you want to talk about it/”

“My computer decided to throw me a whole 360 today”

“A whole 360? Im sorry cariño, but you need to explain that to me”

I giggled at his dumbfounded look, it's always fun to be able to still catch a vampire as old as him off guard with my modern language “Right forgot your like a million years old, I was working on a project today for one of my classes on my computer and I accidentally deleted like half of it but like I barely started it so it was no big deal because I remember what I had so far but it was just so frustrating you know”

He continued to caress my cheek as he nods along to my explanation

“And it just so stressful in thinking I have so much to do still before this week ends and I feel like I have done what I needed to do but its not enough still and and—”

He placed his finger on my lips to silence me and I tiled my head to the side from curiosity, this is new. His signature smirk spread onto his face at my reaction

“Sorry love, but you started to spiral into chaos and as much as adore to hear you ramble, I started to feel stress myself from your stress”

I looked down in embarrassment but he tilted my head up once again

“Hey don't be embarrassed cara, it's good for you to talk about what stresses you out, better out and in you know?”

“Your right metri”

“Now care to have a dance with me in the rain then?”

Whining at his request, even if that has secretly been a dream of mine to do “Demi you know i'm not even a good dancer, heck I don't even know how to”

“But that's the fun part princessa, I can teach you and we will be dancing in your favorite type of weather”

“Fair point”

As the rain intensified slightly, he guided my moves with such elegance that I almost felt like I myself am an expert to begin with. The rain at that moment was not a bother, my main focus was my casanova of a vampire that I call mi amado hermoso.

A/N: You know I don't know why I haven't added any Spanish nicknames to my writings, but I will in future (I feel like Demetri would just know all of the most romantic languages). I know I mentioned this in my Alec one-shot but I am working on a Caius one, its a work in progress indeed maybe in the end of this week I might have part one done, who knows?

#demetri volturi #demetri volturi x reader #our casanova of a vampire #the volturi #volturi #twilight saga #the volturi guard

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denny-artsss · 3 days

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TW: serious vent post, some personal info. updates on stuff

(Mention of SH and suicide please don't read if you're senstivie to these subjects.)

I wanna start by thanking everyone who keeps sending me asks/requests and supporting what I do. Writting and drawing are two things I always used to express myself and make others happy with.

I can't begin to explain how much my heart gets filled with joy seeing all the people enjoying the stuff I do because I have always been told I am not good enough. My drawings were always called bad just as my writing even if I gave my all into them.

Due to a lot of issues, mentally and physically, i have been SH for a long time. I tried to take my own life several times in ways I can't even describe.

When TADC came out, I had something to hold on to. Yeah, it's a silly little show, and it's stupid to hold on to, is what people tell me. That I should have other reasons to hold on to. But currently, this is all there is. This and the amazing people who like what I do and support me. Every day, when I wake up and see my inbox filled with asks, requests, and my comments filled with people commenting, sweet, and funny stuff, it makes me smile, and it takes a lot to make me smile because I am so deeply buried in tears most of the time that I can't even see the world around me. So thank you, everyone, for the love and support. You guys have no idea how much one single comment makes my day. Just to know that there is someone who found me important enough to interact with me means the world to me.

I will be gone soon for a bit, I'm not sure how long, but I will be back. I am currently working on some art and fanfics that got requested, which I will post before I leave.

<3

#the amazing digital circus #tadc #tw depressing thoughts

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zeldadiscussions · 9 months

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The repeated use of the specific word imperialism in fandom discussions of TotK really bugs me because like… we know what imperialism looks like, right?

Genocide either by murder or assimilation, leadership that is either of the conquering race or loyal to it generally for personal gain, control of the conquered’s resources, and a social climate where the conquerors are considered superior.

But in this Hyrule none of the other races had their cultures erased, they aren’t governed by Hylian leaders and the local leaders’ first priority is taking care of their people, they manage their own trade affairs, and Hylians don’t constantly subject others to put downs about their race.

If a Hylian man dares enter Gerudo Town without the Chief’s permission, they kick him out or put him in jail. That’s how much control the Gerudo have over their own territory and how little being a Hylian matters if you mess with them.

Rauru is accused of hoarding power but he literally gave his secret stones out to the other races and they remain in possession of them to this day.

Basically the only time the other nations seem to actually follow Hyrule’s lead at all is when facing common threats or working towards common goals. Hyrule only ever meddles in other lands affairs either to lend them aid (Link and Zelda fighting for everyone, the folks at Tabantha Bridge Stable providing disaster releif to the Rito, etc.) or requesting aid from them (Rauru and Zelda asking the Sages and Champions to help them fight Ganon[dorf].) They lead like a team leader leads.

Sonia and Rauru didn’t found an empire.

They founded an alliance.

I know I’m beating a dead horse here but to my eyes at least (for now) there is zero solid evidence of Hyrule exerting control over the daily lives of non-Hylians or stealing their resources, two major defining traits of imperialistic rule. Hyrule is at the head of the alliance, yes, but an empire isn’t the only system of governance that has one group or individual at the helm of a coalition. The difference is in the details and the details here are that Hyrule leads the others but it does not dominate them, and that is key.

The only empire in the game would have been the one Ganondorf was trying to force on everyone and that was pretty bluntly depicted as being a bad thing. How can we say it’s pro-imperialistic if the main conflict is preventing the rise of an evil empire?

You can’t effectively analyze a narrative by completely ignoring everything about it and its meta that contradicts a knee-jerk viewpoint. What is even the point of analyzing it at all at that point?

#tears of the kingdom #the legend of zelda #loz #totk #rauru #ganondorf #here i am once again arguing against my least favorite TotK take #it really bugs me because of how incorrect it feels and also because it glosses over how progressive the game is overall #like that’s the real rub #this is the most culturally and physically diverse Hyrule EVER and it is SUCH a bummer for that to be overlooked #I’m not saying the game is perfect there are many issues with it #but like #talk about missing the forest for the trees #edited for clarity and added screenshot

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catiuskaa · 3 months

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i don’t like my mind.

part of the “now playing: mitski!” series

SUMMARY: there was nothing you could’ve said to him to keep hyunjin away from his thoughts. Not on the night of March 20, 2021.

WC: 0.675k

CW: mentions of vomiting, it’s really short but angsty, hyunjin’s hiatus in 2021 is the main plot. (as an oddinary era stay, i can’t grasp how it must’ve felt, so i’m sorry for bringing old memories back. </3)

A/N: ok, shit. as an empath, this was hard to write. talk about a challenge… uf. I’m sorry. please go check out my other works, i am not this depressing in default i swear 😭🫶

[◼️☆🎂☆◼️]

Hyunjin shivered, as he stared blankly at his phone.

The date glowed back, as if mocking him.

“19:54, March 20, 2021.”

It should’ve been a fairly normal late evening for him. But it couldn’t.

Normal had never been a word that he’d use often, but considering his usual routine, no one would’ve called that ‘normal.’

Except that it wasn’t going to be his routine anymore. He sighed.

His room felt colder than usual. He felt colder than usual.

Hyunjin nuzzled the blanket over his nose, and cocooned himself further under it.

He stared at the window, the curtains swaying from the wind that came from outside, but he didn’t mind it. He knew that he was cold because the window was open, but deep inside, he knew that closing it wouldn’t fix his coldness. Or how he felt and empty feeling inside of him, as if it was stuck to his heart.

The blanket wasn’t helping. He kicked it off with a grunt.

Then, his phone chimed. It had been chiming the past five minutes. Maybe ten.

< princess: hyunjin, please

His heart swelled in his chest.

< princess: talk to me, jinnie

< princess: I need to know you’re fine.

He only managed to chuckle dryly, a laugh full of acid, almost poisonus, and that sick feeling scattered all through his body.

...fine?

How could he be fine, knowing that most likely, his life was never going to be the same? How could he be fine, thinking that it could be possible that he really had wasted all of those years for nothing?

He closed his eyes.

Several people had texted him ‘happy birthday,’ but none of them new what it was going to be like.

Painful.

It was like daggers that threatened to puncture his heart and leave him bleeding on the floor, the only culprit being himself and whoever thought it was a good idea to leave him alone in his room, with his thoughts as his only company.

He frowned, and dizzily stood up from his bed, his body hurting from all the stress he had been putting himself to. In his mind, he had to be doing something. He wanted to do something. He didn’t want to keep waiting for the fuss to leave him. He wanted to keep dancing. To keep singing.

He needed to keep living.

The sight of his desk table gave him nausea. He grimmaced at it, his eyes swelling up with tears again.

Cake.

The one Jeongin and Felix had bringed hours ago. The one that they reluctantly admitted that they weren’t supposed to eat because of their restricted diets. The one that they had to leave there just the two of them because the rest of the members had so many things to do that they couldn’t manage to pass by.

The one he hadn’t dared to touch, afraid that it wouldn’t go pass the lump on his throat.

It stared at him. The whole cake. It made a nasty shiver trail up his spine, a sudden need to throw up that made him even more sick.

A stray tear fell down his cheek.

He took the cake with a sudden softness that almost surprised him.

His phone kept buzzing, forgotten, on his bed.

< princess: i’m sure the company will let you come back with them soon

< princess: hyunjin, please

< princess: call me when you see this

< princess: please, hyun, don’t do anything stupid.

< princess: I love you.

But not even your kind words could go through Hyunjin’s mind.

He approached the window and looked down from the fifth floor, finding a trash container next to the building in front.

With a groan, he stared at the cake, at the message over it.

“Happy birthday!”

He sniffed, quickly cleaning his tears up with one hand, as both of them trembled, the other still holding the cake.

And he threw it to the container, watching it crash against its lid despite the plastic cover.

He didn’t want to have a happy birthday.

He wanted his life back.

[◼️☆🎂☆◼️]

~Kats, who is so sorry for this, and who admires all of the stays who had to go through hyun’s hiatus.

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geryone · 8 months

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Gotta say that this week is turning out to be fucking awful & it can literally only get worse

#it’s fucking 12:30 am on a Tuesday & I’m being hit full force with grief that I’ve been fighting off for weeks and weeks #have been on the verge of tears for literal days and it feels so useless to cry about it but also if I think about it too much #i feel her impending death like a fucking black hole in my heart #and I’m not coming to terms with it because I physically can’t allow myself to fall apart right now

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thealatvs · 8 months

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two idiots with a history of miscommunication finally get their honeymoon after fucking off to the demon realm and leaving the human world in the hands of resident best boy (alternatively, the result of me reading angst)

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tiredstressedemotionalmess · 7 months

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me, every night for the past three weeks: oh im feelin good rn! and i had a good day today!! im definitely not gonna lie awake filled with anxiety and dread over my future tonight :D

me, lying in bed 20 minutes later looping famous last words: by talos this cant be happening

#its like im fine literally all day qnd then i start to get ready for bed and the Dread sets in #like its an actual physical feeling in my stomach and i just suddenly out of nowhere have to hold myself back from crying #i literally go from perfectly happy to on the verge of tears in an INSTANT and idk whats causing uty #it #like i know broadly ehat the causes are but idk whats causing the specific switch at night #am i tired?? is it just bc im tired??? bc its not consistently at the same time and most of the time i dont *feel* tired #or is it just like. i knoe im going to bed so i know im gonna be alone with my thoughts and so they all come and hit me at once???#idk idk idk i just know i hate it and i want it to stop i want everything to fucking stop #id say i need a minute to breathe but really ive been using the past four months as my minute to breathe & thats part of the fucking problem #because ive been putting this all off for so long bc its so overwhelming but now theres so much igotta do and theres real tangible deadlines #so i cant keep putting it off but i DO and its just making it all even more overwhelming and my parents arent fucking helping #but its not even their fault because im chosing not to talk to them about this bc talking to them about it makes it all real #and i dont want it to be real yet im not fucking ready for it to be real yet i just need a goddamn minute TO FUCKING BREATHE #i wish i could freeze time and just give myself a day where none of this matters #actually a days not long enough i think i need like. two weeks. two weeks for me to get my shit together where none of this bullshit exists #and i can just do whatever i want and not have to think about deadlines and decisions and the fact that this is all ive wanted since the #7th fucking grade and now that its actually here i cant fucking stomach the thought of it being real because im a goddamn coward who cant #fucking commit to anything or get themself to DO anything and i know its not really my fault bc i probably have adhd and i get #knocked off my ass with a migraine every ither fucking day but i still feel like i should be more prepared for this than i am #and im not prepared and im not ready and i cant get myself ready because i cant do things like this myself because i dont really want to be #doing them at all #like sure! the bitch can write a 400+ page fanfiction no fucking problem!! they can find time for that but a college essay?? even finding #schools to apply too???? dont be fucking ridiculous they cant even get half an app done in the time it takes them to write a two 6k chapters #delete later

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esamastation · 1 year

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Finished my replay of Jedi Fallen Order. Now what am I going to draw?

#I would like to get Survivor but I don't have ps5 and I don't want to get it on computer because I want to own a physical copy #I am going to get a ps5 eventually because I don't think Death Stranding 2 will be in ps4 but like not yet #I would like to draw some Zelda but I've loaned out my copy of Botw and I was late ordering Tears Of Kingdom so it was sold out #And now I gotta wait and just *flails*

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flickeringflame216 · 9 days

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and if all the people who told you one day it won't hurt all the time and there will be a sunny day and you will be able to notice how beautiful it is were right. what then.

#the number of times over the last week I've nearly burst into tears because I realized I was experiencing joy untempered by sadness!#for the first time in so so long! It's over two years since I've been this at peace!#only by the grace of God am I still here at all #and I don't know I guess I just got used to being miserable but now I'm getting reacquainted with joy.#she's a good and loyal friend and I've missed her dearly.#I think the most peace I've known was on Sunday #It was the two year anniversary of the single worst day of my life #And two years out....I didn't feel like mourning. There's still a sense of loss but what God has given me instead is so much better.#I'm in such a better place mentally and emotionally and even physically with just being safe and being in school and doing well in classes #And I have friends I trust and love and who love me and a balance of work and rest that I never thought I'd have #And in class today we were talking about generalized anxiety disorder which I believe I used to have and...probably don't anymore #Like I used to spend so much time and energy just worrying and then also trying to avoid anxiety attacks and I just...don't anymore #It's been such a slow process and there are of course good and bad days and weeks but overall my brain has healed so much #and realizing that was wild #on healing

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khlur · 8 months

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every time i talk w my parents i have to remind myself not to get swayed by their doting affectionate act.

#i mean see #becoming older has made me recognize and appreciate them for a lot of what they did #but to say that i am doing anything except lip service to them rn would be an exaggeration #our relationship has improved but i have made it clear that i never intend to live with them ever again #that the honeymoon period will last 2 days max #they'll cry their crocodile tears #and the emotional abuse will restart like it never stopped #that the physical abuse would have continued if i didn't threaten them by throwing chairs and a knife #like....these past few months have given me such fucking WHIPLASH #it almost makes me forget just how dysfunctional our dynamic has been #how i got away relatively well adjusted because i psychologied myself through clinical and counselling psych classes #how they refuse to take the blame absolutely for my brother's issues surfacing now in his adulthood #ever so often something so viscerally twisted will happen on a call or on the group chat which makes me want to hurt myself #and that serves as a wake up call abt how bad shit used to be #and how glad i am to be away from it all #but every few weeks i will be lulled back into thinking that maybe things weren't so bad #i'm also swayed so much by the people around me rn who hesitate so much to talk about anything that isn't small talk #either that or they're people who really love their parents and enjoy spending time with them #and i'm like....respectfully i cannot relate and neither can the bamboo rod that once broke in two bcs of how hard my parents wielded it <3 #and ofc when families come up in conversation everyone acts like it's a normal thing for there to be ups and downs #w so much unsaid and implied about how i'm actually an ungrateful POS who can't appreciate their parents sacrificing so much for me #hehe. no thanks. keep ur judgement to urself

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sschmendrick · 10 months

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Maybe I should go back to seeing my therapist, he was a good person, à l'écoute, but maybe I should explain why I stopped seeing him (on top of work load becoming unbearable).

Same with my psychiatrist though I think it'll be harder to see her because of the summer.

#I'm feeling so out of it #I have the worst support system for the terrible mental breakdown I've been having the last few weeks #I only have one friend talking to me and I am just working at my part time job and trying to do school work and work for 2 because one of #them won't work and my family is...well. I thought I could have my mum supporting me but she just can't seem to read the room #but I don't want to become bitter even though I already am. I want to be better but my mind is sinking and maybe I'm as bad as my ex friend #said I was. Maybe I am as much a bad person as my brother says I am. Maybe I'm in denial #I've stopped taking medication for a few months now and it's all slipped back in my mind and I can't rest. I'm always tired or on speed #I feel dull and isolated #I haven't had any physical contact with anyone in weeks (not a hug or a handshake) I feel a little bit alienated #it makes me want to disappear again and go far far away #I don't know what the issue even is. I don't know what mental illness I have. I thought it was bpd but what if it isn't #I just want to be normal. I want to be normal and happy. Rational level-headed not anxious paranoid and exhausted like I am #I want to cry to open the dam of emotions in my brain but it feels like a small tear in highly pressurized tank that's going to do more #damage and no good

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milkweedman · 2 years

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Man, my doctor warned me these meds could make me clumsy, and i kind of shrugged it off bc im already walking into doors and walls constantly in my own home, but today after i took my meds (1 hour ago, i delayed bc they make me a very bad driver and i had a lot of driving to do) i have already fallen down 3 times and keep ending up on the floor somehow whenever i try to stand up. Its not great

#also shifted in my seat wrong and it immediately pulled my left hip all the way out #got it back in but like. ow #if im being honest i miss the blend of codeine vicoden and gabapentin that i was on post surgery #no pain at all and i had so much energy. i mean my brain was addled but its addled now too if we're being honest #the unfortunate fact of the matter is that i kind of. cant be present in my brain or body anymore #if im not on any painkillers then i kind of just separate and float away because the pain is so unending and horrible #if im on painkillers that actually work (which always end up being the kind that addle the brain) then. yknow. im floaty #damned if you do and damned if you dont #before the chronic pain got as bad my ptsd was just sort of tearing thru me 24/7 so i used a lot of drugs #to separate from that as well #i dont think my ptsd is any better rly i think the physical stuff just eclipses it #i am full up on physical anguish and misery so there is no room for the psychological anguish and misery #or at least that is my guess #sorry for the rambles i tend to treat this blog as part journal tbh #chronic illness

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