#It hurts me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

whatstruthgottodowithit · 6 months

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It Hurts Me

Fandom: Elvis Presley, American Actor RPF,

Pairing: Jerry Schilling x Reader, Elvis Presley x Reader

Characters: Jerry Schilling, Reader, You, Elvis Presley, Joe Esposito

Rating: Mature

Word Count: 7849

Summary: It hurts me to see him treat you, the way that he does.

Tags/Warnings: Cheating, Established Relationship, Reader Has A Name, Second Person POV, Marriage, Implied Cheating, Kissing, Sex, Hurt, Angst, Song Fic, Betrayal, Guilt,

Notes: I just have this thing for Jerry Schilling k?

ELVIS MASTERLIST // SONG LINK // HALLOWEEN CHALLENGE

Thunk.

As the refrigerator door swung shut Jerry sighed, already missing the cool breeze it had been circulating around his lower half as he’d held it open. He’d forgotten how hot it could get out here, the heat of the desert not staved off by the cooling ocean breeze like it was Los Angeles and given that he’d been based there for the past few months he’d gotten used to the climate. In fact, he’d gotten used to everything in L.A. He liked working through the week and having the weekends to himself. He liked going on a morning run or hanging out at the beach. He liked the normalcy of it all. It wasn’t that Palm Springs didn’t have its perks of course, actually, having missed this run in Vegas had made him feel a tad left out, it was just that he’d gotten used to the little life he had going.

Still, when Elvis had called him yesterday evening and asked him to meet him and the guys in Palm Springs for a last hoorah after finishing another successful residency he couldn't refuse and had even begged his boss to let him leave early and come in late on Monday morning which fortunately he’d agreed to. Which is how he’d ended up standing in the kitchen of Elvis’ Palm Springs home trying to will the sweat that had gathered around his neck away with the touch of an ice-cold can of beer. He figured it wouldn’t hurt to have a drink now considering most of the guys would probably have started to ease into the weekend the minute they climbed on the plane but still it felt awkward to start the party by himself. Coming from LA instead of Vegas had meant that he had been the first one to arrive so he was happy to hear the sounds of someone coming through from the garage even if it didn’t sound rowdy enough to be his friends.

He wondered who it could be, waiting for the culprit to work their way through the house towards the kitchen, and he was surprised when you rounded the door looking surprised to find him standing there, beer in hand.

‘Oh hey,’ you said scanning around to see that he was in fact on his own.

‘Hey,’ he replied.

‘Is it just you?’ you asked coming forward into the room.

‘Yeah, drove up this afternoon,’ Jerry said taking a sip.

‘Oh, yeah of course,’ you mumbled suddenly remembering he wasn’t part of the touring group anymore. You didn’t know how you’d forgotten though; Elvis had reminded you enough times, constantly explaining how he was happy for his friend but still felt a tad abandoned he had chosen to go down his own path. As Jerry explained they’d be arriving any time, moving to get you a drink from the fridge without asking, you watched him. His hair was a shade or two lighter, sun-washed, and his skin had a healthy glow to it – the kind that came when you weren’t locked away in a studio, hotel or movie set. He looked good.

‘So, I didn’t know you were comin’,’ he said as he handed you a soda which you took with a thankful smile.

‘Well it was a last-minute thing,’ you shrugged, knowing that this would appease him. Everything your husband did seemed to be last minute so it wouldn’t surprise him if Elvis had called you up and asked you to hop on a plane ASAP. Yet that wasn’t what had happened. With his shows ending in Vegas, you’d anticipated a call anytime but the one that had come hadn’t been one to invite you to join him. It had been one that told you your reunion would only occur next week despite already having spent eight weeks apart. It had crushed you and so you had arranged a flight to Palm Springs knowing that’s where he would be headed.

‘Well the more the merrier,’ Jerry smiled though it disappeared as he heard his name called somewhere in the house.

‘Jer ya here?!’ you heard Elvis’ dulcet tones yell out coming ever closer as he headed towards Jerry’s response.

‘In here,’ Jerry replied in something just lower than a shout.

‘Thought I saw your car in the driveway,’ Elvis said as he appeared in the doorway though his face fell as he noticed you standing there, ‘Cassie?’

‘Hey,’ you said putting your soda down and moving over to him quickly, hoping that if you threw yourself into his arms it would override his senses long enough he wouldn’t get mad at you for disobeying him.

‘Hey,’ he mumbled as your lips met his, your arms wrapping around his neck as he held you to him on muscle memory alone. Though as he pulled back he still looked confused muttering, ‘What are you doing here?’

‘I came to see you,’ you said cheerily hoping he’d join your spirits.

‘I thought we were seeing each other Monday?’ he said. It was posed like a question but the tone that laced it was one of accusation.

‘I know but I was flying this way anyway and you were done in Vegas,’ you said airily, running your fingers along his sideburns and down his cheek. You knew you were playing a dangerous game, that going against what he said often didn’t end up going the way you wanted it, but you remained hopeful your campaign would soften him so you added, ‘It's been eight weeks…don’t you want to see me?’

‘Of course I do,’ Elvis replied tightly as his eyes flicked towards where Jerry was standing. Jerry dropped his gaze, suddenly interested in his beer can more than what was going on in front of him, ‘it’s just I planned for us to see each other on Monday. I promised the guys a weekend…y’know just guys.’

‘Oh,’ you said quietly. You had hoped that showing up here would’ve meant he’d be forced to keep you around but your plan had backfired and now he was going to rake you over the hot coals in front of his friend making you feel like the fool you were.

‘It’s just that they’ve worked hard ya know? They deserve to let some steam off before we go back to normal,’ Elvis said his thumb rubbing reassuring circles against your back though they did nothing to comfort you and nothing to make you sound any less pathetic as you mumbled, ‘I wouldn’t be in the way.’

‘And what about the other wives? They’ve all been apart too,’ Elvis reasoned moving to brush your hair from your face, an act that would force you to look him in the eye, any resolve or defiance crumbling as he gave you his most crafted sympathetic look. One that meant you were still in the shit but you weren’t going to feel as though it was his fault.

‘Right,’ you agreed cursing yourself for how easily it worked. After all, he had been straight with you and you’d chosen to run the risk of coming anyway.

‘If it was up to me I’d have you stay,’ he said pressing a kiss to your forehead.

‘No I get it,’ you said, ‘it’s fine.’

‘When I get back home on Monday we can do whatever you want okay? Just me and you how’s that sound?’ he asked watching you expectantly as you nodded. Once he could see he was off the hook he leant down, capturing your lips once again as he held your face with each of his large hands but when you pulled back you could feel tears stinging in your eyes so you pulled away from him, mumbling something about needing to freshen up to which he agreed, telling you he’d ask Joe to get some flights sorted as soon as possible.

You didn’t say anything and instead fled to the safety of the house and he watched you go making sure you were well out of the way before he sighed and rested back against the counter. Jerry remained silent, knowing that it was better to wait for him to give the temperature of the room before he dove in.

‘What the hell was she thinkin’,’ Elvis sighed.

‘What?’ Jerry said.

‘Comin’ here,’ Elvis said as if it was self-explanatory.

‘Guess she missed you,’ Jerry mused.

‘Oh don’t you start,’ Elvis said rolling his eyes. Jerry knew it was probably foolish to bait him like this, but he had been watching how your face fell the moment he had let you down even if he had done it gently. And he didn’t know if it was the fact he’d been out of the group for a while, looking at their antics from the outside in, but it didn’t seem fair. After all, he knew what it was like to miss Elvis, even as just a friend, he didn’t blame you for not wanting to be left out.

‘I’m just sayin’ it could be worse,’ Jerry shrugged, ‘she could’ve forgotten who you were.’

‘Like you you mean?’ Elvis said. It was an unnecessary barb and it didn’t serve any other purpose than making Jerry’s jaw tighten.

‘I’m here aren’t I?’ Jerry challenged.

‘Yeah, and you ain’t been out to Vegas once the whole time we’ve been there. What could your boss not spare ya? You CEO now or sumthin’?’ Elvis joked though it teetered on the edge of venomous.

‘Can’t be takin’ liberties,’ Jerry joked though it was terser than intended. He knew Elvis hadn’t taken his news about his new job well but he had been understanding enough.

‘Straight and narrow huh?’ Elvis said raising his eyebrow. Jerry was going to respond, make some quip about how anything would be straighter than working for Elvis but it was caught short as Joe appeared, no doubt wondering where Elvis had got to.

‘Ah just the man,’ Elvis said straightening up, ‘I need a favour.’

‘Sure thing,’ Joe agreed.

‘I need you to book a flight to LA for me,’ he said.

‘How come?’ Joe asked just as you reappeared in the doorway. He looked at you and then Elvis, putting everything together himself without help, ‘Uh sure two minutes.’

‘You okay?’ Elvis asked grabbing your hand and pulling you into him stopping you from lingering. It seemed that his reluctance had melted away though you wondered if that was because he was sure he wouldn’t have to deal with you for long.

‘Fine,’ you lied.

‘Joe’s just checkin’ on flights for ya,’ Elvis said pressing a kiss into your temple earning a weak smile from you in return. Jerry watched on, saying nothing, though he could see the hurt lingering behind your eyes. He was only torn away from looking at you when Joe reappeared and said, ‘uh slight problem.’

‘What is it?’ Elvis said straightening up.

‘No flights to LA. They’re all booked up,’ Joe said glancing irately at you as if it was your fault he had to be the bearer of bad news.

‘None?’ Elvis asked.

‘Might be a cancellation but it’ll mean hanging around just in case,’ Joe said.

‘Shit,’ Elvis grumbled, ‘what are we gonna do?’

He seemed to be thinking and you watched feeling your stomach churn. There was a simple solution, you stay here with him like any normal couple would do after eight weeks apart, but no he was racking his brains trying to think of how to get rid of you. It made sorrow wash through you.

‘I’ll take her,’ Jerry said making all eyes snap towards him and that sadness inside you turn to nerves.

‘What?’ Elvis asked and for a moment Jerry wondered why he’d said it at all. Maybe it was the irritation of Elvis treating anyone who disobeyed him as a second-class citizen. Maybe it was just because you looked broken – holding it together whilst he was present.

‘I’ll take her,’ he reiterated before he added with a shrug, ‘who knows how long it’ll be before she gets a flight.’

‘It’s alright,’ you mumbled, ‘I can wait at the airport.’

‘Yeah I’m sure there’ll be a cancellation at some point,’ Joe reasoned.

‘It’s fine,’ Jerry said placing his can down on the counter.

‘It’s like a four-hour round trip,’ Elvis said. You were watching him closely, watching as his eyes narrowed at his friend’s generosity. You didn’t know why. After all if he wanted you gone you didn’t see why he wouldn’t be jumping at the idea of getting rid of you sooner rather than later.

‘I don’t mind besides once I’m on a decent stretch of highway I’ll make the time up I bet,’ Jerry replied. At that Elvis relaxed and you realised his reluctance wasn’t about you at all. It was that Jerry was once again willing to miss out on the action. To put him second.

That made your stomach churn once more. After that you barely registered what was happening. There was a brief interlude of Elvis giving his thanks to his friend and then promises that were meant to reassure you though they didn’t. Nothing did. Not the way he kissed you goodbye. Not the squeeze he gave your hand as he helped you into Jerry’s car. Not the way he stopped to wave you goodbye before he headed back into the house.

Nothing quelled that feeling of foolishness inside you. You were a fool. A fool to let him do as he pleased. A fool to forgive and forget every time that it happened. A fool to cling to the idea that maybe, just maybe, he’d put you first.

‘You can let it out if you want,’ Jerry said eventually snapping you from your thoughts though when you looked up you were now on a sparse span of desert signalling you had been driving for longer than you had anticipated. You looked towards him and found him watching you expectantly, barely having to glance at the road given it was straight and empty as far as the eye could see.

‘What?’ you asked irritably.

‘Call him out,’ he said as if it were obvious, ‘it’s alright. I understand.’

‘Why would I do that?’ you snapped which made him look back to the road, evidently not prepared for your abrasiveness. If anything you didn’t understand it yourself. Elvis had hurt you and it would make sense for you to call him for it. In fact, out of all the boys Jerry was probably one of the ones to do it in front of as he was not liable to go running straight to him.

‘Well, aren’t you pissed? I mean you’ve come all this way and he’s kicked you to the curb-'

‘He has not kicked me to the curb,’ you said angrily making him shrink back in his seat though he did glance at you before looking back at the stretch of concrete in front of him.

‘Okay,’ he mumbled, ‘sorry.’

‘Why have you got something to say?’ you asked as your irritation bubbled.

‘No,’ Jerry said. He knew he should’ve kept well alone. He’d had dipped his toe in the water hoping to find something amiable to swim in, somewhere he could air his own frustrations about his friend with someone feeling just as annoyed, but he had found it to be bitterly cold and yet he couldn’t stop himself from saying, ‘it’s just…even for his track record this is pretty shitty.’

‘His track record?’ you asked unable to fathom why you were acting as though your husband's indiscretions were coming as a shock to you.

��Oh come on Cassie are you gonna pretend you think all his behaviour is spectacular?’ he said feeling his own frustration mounting as you scowled at him.

‘I never said that,’ you muttered looking out of the window.

‘I’m just sayin' me and the guys-' he started but that was enough to snap your head back towards him as you replied, ‘Oh so you all talk about me is that it?’

‘No, of course not,’ he sighed.

‘So come on what do you say?’ you said ignoring his protests.

‘It’s not like that,’ he said glancing at you before he continued, ‘all I’m saying is there are some times when I don’t understand why you put up with it.’

‘So I’m an idiot?’ you said. You knew were being unreasonable now but your irritation had bubbled over and instead of spilling out on yourself or Elvis, whom you were truly mad at, it released onto the only person nearby.

‘No I didn’t mean it like that,’ Jerry said but you weren’t in the mood to listen.

‘Well, you shouldn’t mean anything because my relationship is of no concern to anyone but me and Elvis got it? What we do is up to us no one else okay?’ you said huffily, folding your arms across your chest as you looked away from him.

‘Fine, okay, sorry,’ he mumbled.

‘Yeah well just leave me alone,’ you snapped.

And with that the pair of you fell silent. You didn’t look at him, your eyes fixed on the towns and stretches of desert that passed outside your window though you could feel him glancing at you every so often. Eventually the silence must’ve become too much for him as you heard him fiddle with the radio, letting a country station play through the airwaves, doing nothing to cut the tension. You didn’t know why you had snapped at him. If anything he was your opportunity to speak about your hurt without being judged. And he had a point. Though you loved your husband you couldn’t deny the way he treated you didn’t always feel right. Of course when you were together it was wonderful but those days were becoming further apart – distance being put between the pair of you though never by your choice.

Whether it was a comfort to know that others had noticed it too you weren’t too sure. Not that it mattered. No one would ever question his motives and if it came down to it you doubted anyone would side in your corner if you challenged him. But then again how could you expect them to? You couldn’t even do it yourself. You loved him too much.

You hoped beyond hope that at every turn he’d make the right choice and when he didn’t you let him, convincing yourself it didn’t matter, it was justified. That’s why what Jerry had said had hurt so much. Not because you were mad at him but because he reminded you of just how pitiful you were.

At that you calmed, glancing over to him for the first time in an age. He was looking straight out at the road, his fingers tapping along to the music though they faltered in rhythm as he looked your way and found you watching him. You smiled at him apologetically and he returned it before looking back to the road in front of him. Neither of you spoke but there the air was thinner as you drove on towards home.

✵✵✵

‘We’re here,’ Jerry said stirring you from the slumber you had fallen into as you passed through Pomona. It hadn't been a ridiculously long drive but given the flight, the fight and the disappointment you had packed into your day it wasn’t a surprise you had felt fatigued.

‘Thanks,’ you said as you sat up, noticing you were now in the driveway of your Beverley Hills home.

‘Isn’t anyone here?’ Jerry asked looking at the house in front of him only to find there were no lights on and given that it was dark now it resembled more of a silhouette against the lights of the valley.

‘I told them not to bother coming till Monday,’ you said sheepishly. It was your own fault for assuming all would go well and it should’ve been you who was embarrassed yet it didn’t stop Jerry from flushing and saying, ‘Right, yeah.’

He paused for a moment as did you, both of you wondering whether or not to address the elephant in the room or to let it go, bury it under the rug like most disagreements in your life. But as he looked at you barely lit from the far away street lamps he couldn’t help but want to apologise. Even if it wasn’t just him you deserved an apology from.

‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have gotten involved it’s nothing to do with me or anyone else,’ he said.

‘No it’s not,’ you agreed though you couldn’t blame them for it. If anything you were curious about it and though you knew it whatever answer he gave you would probably sting you asked him anyway, ‘Does everyone really talk about it?’

‘Nah it’s not like that,’ he said feeling guilty at the way your cheeks pinked up at the thought.

‘What is it like then?’ you asked. Jerry paused. He looked apprehensive, like a politician who had just been handed a career-ending question and was deciding the best way to phrase their response. It made you brace yourself.

‘Well I mean most of them don’t see an issue with it…I mean they’re doin’ similar things…,’ he said, making your chest tighten at the idea of what the boys could be up to, though you suspected you already knew. He registered your silence but he felt the need to continue anyway. He felt as though you needed at least one person to be honest with you tonight, ’but I guess it just hurts me to see you upset and cryin’ over him when he’s sittin' pretty in Palm Springs.’

Once he was no longer speaking silence descended on the two of you, thoughts swirling around your brain that you couldn’t put into order quickly enough to form a response. He hung on, fiddling with a small gash in the leather of the steering wheel as you watched him before you uttered a small, ‘wow.’

‘What?’ he asked. Of all the responses he had been expecting reverent awe wasn’t one of them. In fact, he was half expecting you to tear him a new one, even though you’d asked, and for you to storm off into the house leaving him to curse his honesty on the long drive back to the party.

‘I guess…I guess I’ve never heard anyone call him out like that before,’ you admitted truthfully. It wasn’t that Elvis couldn’t take criticism, it was just that it was never certain of how it was going to land and so over time people had stopped, preferring to take the easy way out. You supposed that was you too in some ways.

‘Yeah well I know what’s right and well, it ain’t right,’ Jerry said, shifting in his seat as if he had overstepped but he was an honest man and he wasn’t going to take something he meant back just because it was uncomfortable.

‘Well thanks for caring,’ you said with a gloomy smile.

‘Yeah, well,’ he said noncommittally.

It was odd to watch him and as you mulled over his words you felt yourself feeling odder still. He had been criticising Elvis but the more you thought about it the more it felt as well, more than that. As if it wasn’t Elvis he was bothered about, it was you. And with those thoughts swirling around your brain you found the words tripping off your tongue without you telling them to.

‘What did you mean,’ you said, his brows knitting together as you spoke, ‘when you said it hurts you.’

‘What?’ Jerry replied quietly, a barely visible tinge of pink christening his tanned face.

‘You said it hurts you…to see me upset,’ you said shifting in your seat so that you were watching him closely for any flicker of emotion that might tell you what he was thinking.

‘Did I?’ he said airily moving back from you, his fingers returning their assault on the leather of the steering wheel, picking at it nervously.

‘Yeah,’ you said firmly. It had been just a nonsensical thing, an innocent question asked, floated in the air expecting a simple answer in return but the way he was acting now made it come alive. It made that silly notion turn into all you could think of. Yet he wasn’t responding. He’d breathed life into your notions and then refused to engage with them, forcing you to put your hand on his, stopping him from fiddling with something unimportant and look towards you, despair in his eyes.

‘Cassie,’ he grumbled.

‘What?’ you asked unable to let it go, ‘I mean why do you care?’

‘We’re friends?’ he asked finally looking at you as you searched his face, unable to believe that was the reason.

‘So?’ you replied.

‘So what?’ he asked. He was getting nervous now, wondering why he’d even bothered to open his mouth. And if he was being honest he didn’t know why it hurt him. Why seeing you pretending to be okay, to put on a good show, made his heart ache. It always had but he’d pushed it aside, pretended because it wasn’t his place to get involved, but now he didn’t know how he could do that. Not when you were watching him, baiting him into saying something he might regret.

‘Does it hurt with the others?’ you asked.

‘What?’ he asked confused.

‘Joanie, Pat,’ you said, uttering your friend's names as if that would get him to be truthful. As if bringing them into the mix would get him to admit whatever he was holding back.

‘Just leave it okay?’ he sighed.

‘Do they hurt?’ you asked again though this time he pulled back moving to open his car door but you rushed forward, practically clambering over him so you could yank it shut again. Your ideas weren’t just waves idling lapping along the shore now. They were tsunamis, great floods that consumed every thought inside your brain, trying to cling to anything that might make you feel as though everything was still the same. Though from the look on his face when he pulled back you doubted it would be.

‘Cassie,’ he said practically begging for you to stop but you didn’t. You couldn’t.

‘Do they hurt?’ you asked again in a whisper. He closed his eyes, thinking for a moment before he said just as quietly, ‘No.’

‘So why me?’ you asked.

As his eyes met yours you could see it. Everything clicking into place. He cared about you, more than either of you had seemed to realise. In fact at that moment, as you thought about your husband enjoying himself without you as he had been for the last eight weeks, you thought about how he might be the only one that did. And before you could stop yourself, before you could tell your body not to you found yourself moving forward, your lips meeting his in a passionate kiss. He didn’t respond at first, his body took by surprise but then you found his lips moving against yours as his hand moved to your face, caressing the soft skin there. After a moment he came to his senses, pulling back and leaving you breathless.

You watched him, the pair of you just as confused and stunned as one another, but then you found yourself moving back in. You didn’t want to think of anything else. You didn’t want to think about Elvis, about the hurt and anguish he put you through, how he was probably miles away doing the same thing. You wanted to feel loved, cared about, the way Jerry had spoken of you. You wanted him to show it, to have someone happy to see you for once.

As you kissed you found your hands moving to the buttons on his shirt, working quickly as your mouth followed down the path of flesh they were leaving in their wake. Jerry groaned as your mouth suckled on a spot near the base of his neck, your hand ghosting down his front and making his dick twitch in response. Yet as you giggled, that obscenely cute giggle, the one he’d heard countless times before whenever Elvis had said something to make you laugh he was pulled from the moment.

‘We can’t,’ he mumbled as he tried to keep himself level-headed, ‘we shouldn’t. He’s my best friend, oh fuck.’

Though you could hear his mumblings, his pleas for you to feel as guilty as he was, but you couldn’t force yourself to. You needed this, him, in order to convince yourself you were cared about. That someone loved you, if only for a night. And it was more than that. You needed him to prove you weren’t pathetic. That you weren’t the fool everyone thought you were.

‘We shouldn’t,’ he said, ‘I mean we can’t right?’

‘Jer,’ you said finally pulling back to look at him, his blue eyes large and frantic as he looked down on you. It was ironic that you were desperate not to feel pathetic given that you couldn’t make your voice sound like anything but a plea, ‘Please?’

✵✵✵

You wondered how you’d got here. How your day had gone from hopping on a plane to surprise your husband had somehow ended up with you lying here, nestled in his best friend’s arms, listening to the steady thump of his heartbeat under your ear as he slept. How had it happened? How had your life become so bent of shape that you felt driven into another man's arms? You also wondered how it didn’t feel entirely horrible. How you didn’t want to peel yourself away, scrub the night from your skin and beg Jerry to pretend it never happened. And as he stirred, noting you in his arms with a sleepy grin he found he didn’t want to do that either.

You lay there, watching as he pushed sleep from his eyes before his gaze fell on you, the worry of last night not present as he mumbled, ‘Morning.’

‘Morning,’ you said, unable to hate how relaxed your voice was.

‘You been up a while?’ he yawned.

‘Not too long,’ you said, allowing your fingers to dance lazily along his chest before he moved his hand to yours. Before you could say anything further though the pair of you were startled as the beside phone rang, cutting through your sleepy haze and bringing you back to a harsher reality as you scrambled across him to pick it up as if the phone itself had caught you.

‘Hello?’ you said a touch breathless from the shock and exertion you’d forced upon yourself in the mere moments it had taken you to answer.

‘Cass?’ Elvis’ voice rang out clear as a bell into your ear causing the first wave of guilt you’d felt that morning to wash over you. A wave that grew stronger as you looked at Jerry, finding him watching you closely as you said, ‘E? What are you calling for?’

‘Why are you expecting someone else?’ he chuckled making you close your eyes unable to look at Jerry who’d now gotten all the details of the mystery caller and was watching you uncertainly.

‘Course not,’ you said injecting as much faux joviality into your voice as possible. Something that made Elvis’ reply sound curious as he said, ‘Something the matter?’

‘No, why?’ you said attempting to make it flow more naturally as you said, ‘What’s up?’

‘Nuthin’, just checking you got back alright,’ he said making that guilt flood you once more.

‘Oh yeah fine,’ you replied.

‘Good, good,’ he said clearing his throat in the way that told you he had more to say, he was just contemplating how to say it, ‘uh, you ain’t seen Jer have you?’

‘Jer?’ you asked glancing at the man in question, still pinned beneath you, his bare skin on yours.

‘Yeah, he uh, he didn’t come back last night. I’m worried,’ he said. And just as quickly as the guilt had come to you, rushing in like a tide, it ebbed out leaving your body with only irritation and anger in its wake. This wasn’t about you. He hadn’t called to make sure you were okay, to ensure that after kicking you out last night you’d made it home. No, he was worried about Jerry. About the fact his little boy's club had been disbanded prematurely. Jerry seemed to notice the change in your demeanour as you pulled back, sitting up in the bed as you said, ‘Oh, uh, yeah he’s here. His car broke down about a half hour after he left so he came back. I told him he could crash here and have it looked at this morning.’

‘Ah okay well uh tell him I’ll see him later,’ Elvis said, unable to hear the lies for what they were as they fell effortlessly out of your mouth. It surprised you that after so long together he didn’t know you well enough to know when you weren’t being honest with him. Though you supposed he never took the time to look close enough to figure it out. Or that unlike you he hadn't had enough reference material to realise when the other was spinning a web.

‘Will do,’ you said politely though you could feel the sneer on your face as you did.

‘Okay, bye honey,’ he replied.

‘Bye,’ you said, not bothering with niceties as you moved to slam the phone back to where it was.

Jerry, who had remained quiet throughout, sat up watching you closely as he said, ‘You alright?’

‘Fine,’ you said, ‘breakfast?’

And without waiting for him you scrambled up off the bed, grabbing the robe that was hanging off the back of the door as you walked out of the room and towards the kitchen. Jerry was up in a flash to follow you, scrambling to grab any piece of clothing to cover himself as he headed down the path you had gone. Though when got in there he stopped, watching you as you moved around the kitchen, whatever had been said on the other end of the phone evidently ripping whatever happy little moment well and truly away.

It was odd. When he had awoken this morning, the memories of last night flooding back to him, he had expected you to pull right away or more to the point he had expected himself to pull away. For his brain to tell him he was an idiot, that not only would Elvis tear him limb from limb whatever was left would be gnawed away by his own guilt. Yet it hadn't happened. In fact, he hadn't felt any of that until he’d watched your face change, not to guilt but to anger. That anger had stirred the same feeling in him that your sadness had.

‘You okay?’ he asked knowing the response but asking anyway.

‘Peachy,’ you said sarcastically.

‘Cassie,’ he said but you ignored him, pulling pans and bowls from the cupboard and putting them on the counter as you whittered on.

‘Do you want breakfast? I don’t know what supplies we’ve got in but I can make something if you want. You’ll need something in you before you go,’ you said as the pan you had been holding clunked loudly against the tile counter. However Jerry wasn’t paying attention to that but rather your words.

‘You want me to go?’ was all he could ask but it was enough to get you to stop. Your clenched jaw loosened as you looked at him, whatever anger you had inside you suddenly realising it was misplaced.

‘I just assumed,’ you said quietly as he moved towards you, moving behind you as his hands ghosted down yours, his lips near the shell of your ear.

‘Do you want me to go?’ he asked, his hands lingering by your hips as if waiting for the okay. If he didn’t touch you, if he let his hands hover, never touching down then the pair of you would have an out. Plausible deniability.

Yet you didn’t want that. You didn’t want him to go, like last night you wanted him to hold you, to love you, and so you shook your head. Jerry breathed a sigh of relief, his arms wrapping around you as his lips kissed just below your ear, allowing you to lean back into him for comfort. As you reached a hand up to hold his head in place, your fingers running through his long locks he mumbled, ‘I don’t want to go either just for the record.’

‘You’re sure?’ you asked, knowing that if he pulled back now it would crush you.

‘Hundred per cent.’

After breakfast followed by a quick call to Palm Springs brushing Elvis off with the façade of car trouble, the pair of you spent a lazy day together. There was no rush to any of it, no expectation to do anything except be. It was odd to you, the simplicity of it all. When you thought of the word affair all that came to mind was sordid secrets, debauched rendezvous before returning to the monotony of normal life. And yet there was none of that.

But it was still everything you needed; he was what you needed.

He made you feel better, less pathetic, loved.

Yet as you lay in his arms, watching his peaceful face as he slept it made you feel sad. He had given you everything you needed and yet you couldn’t love him, not really. At that thought you felt sadness wash over you and you made yourself climb out of bed, should you need to cry once more. He stirred as you left him, waiting patiently until you returned though when you did you didn’t give him a chance to speak.

Instead you kissed him, climbing onto him until your hips were aligned, causing his blood to run south. There was no talking as you made out, you coaxing him out of his boxers and to attention until he was lined up with your entrance. He was still sleepy, if he was being honest he was still trying to fathom how this was the second day in a row he’d woke up in the same bed as his best friend’s wife, yet as you lowered yourself down onto him, enveloping him with your heat he came to. Yet it wasn’t the feel of you that snapped him out of it, it was the look on your face. A look that told him this wasn’t the start of something, this was you saying goodbye.

He didn’t know how long you stayed there for, savouring every minute of it until you finally worked yourselves to the edge, before you collapsed onto the bed beside him spent and exhausted. Yet as he held you, his mind whirring in post-orgasmic clarity he found himself saying words he’d never thought he’d utter.

‘You could you know,’ he said making you move your head just enough to signal you were listening but not so much that he could see your face, ‘leave him I mean…if you wanted to.’

You were quiet for a moment, the words lingering in the air above you as he waited for a response. He knew it was foolish. He knew, in his heart of hearts, he knew that you had already made up your mind. That so long as Elvis kept giving you just enough you would carry on, you’d keep letting the hurt in.

‘It’s not that simple,’ you said, your voice so quiet it resembled a whisper.

‘I know it wouldn’t be easy but you could,’ he said. He knew it wasn’t his place. He knew that even with you lying in his arms he had no right to ask that of you but he needed to know. He needed to know for his own sake that you knew you could. That you could choose to walk away.

‘So why haven’t you?’ you asked pushing yourself up until you were looking at him, ‘why haven’t you walked away? I mean you’ve tried. So many times and yet one phone call and you’re back. Whatever he needs you’re there. So don’t pretend it’s that easy.’

‘Maybe I never had anything worth getting out for before,’ he countered, his fingers sweeping along your face.

‘Jer,’ you said sadly.

‘I know, I know,’ he said with a sad smile as you moved to nestle yourself into him, feeling tears building inside you.

He knew it wasn’t that simple, you both did, and yet you couldn’t help but wish it wasn’t. You couldn’t help but wish that this was some emblazoned affair, one where the pair of you fell madly in love with one another and just had to break away in order to be together. Maybe that would’ve been better than both of you just needing someone to see you. Not for what you could be or what you could provide but for you.

‘It’s nice you know,’ he said quietly after a moment.

‘What?’ you asked as your brows knit together as you struggled to find the context of whatever he was jabbering on about.

‘My apartment. Smaller than you’re used to of course and the pipes rattle in the winter but it’s cosy,’ he said. As his hand rubbed soothing circles on your back you felt those tears sting once more not because you were sad but because for the first time in forever someone realised you might be.

‘Bet it needs a woman’s touch,’ you sniffled causing a chuckle to rumble against your ear.

‘Definitely,’ he agreed, ‘and it’s only a stone's throw away from the beach.’

‘Could spend every weekend there,’ you murmured.

‘Mmm, evenings too. Don’t worry I’d make sure I was home in time for dinner. Probably get canned for rushing to leave,’ he said.

‘I’d have to dust off my cooking skills, they’re rusty,’ you giggled.

‘Honey I’d make whatever ya gave me,’ he said.

‘Hmm,’ you mused, ‘bet you’d always call too. If you were gonna be late home, never leave me hanging.’

‘Of course not,’ he promised.

Again you fell quiet though you didn’t know if it was because of the fact the ideas floated around actually sounded good or because the simplest things, the common courtesies he mentioned, were now absent from your everyday life. Hell, you couldn’t even make your husband want to see you after eight damn weeks apart. Which is why as mundane as these ideas were they were a fantasy, a nice one, but a fantasy all the same.

‘It sounds nice,’ you said after a moment.

‘It does, doesn’t it,’ he agreed.

‘I’m sorry,’ you whispered wishing you could buy into the fantasy. Wishing that you could allow yourself to let go.

‘Don’t be,’ he said, ‘I get it…you’re right. I mean I can't exactly judge you, none of us can, not when we don’t even have the strength to get out ourselves.’

‘We still have till tomorrow,’ you said.

‘You’re right,’ he said pressing a kiss to the top of your head, ‘I guess that’s better than nothing.’

✵✵✵

It was an odd feeling, to have something knowing that at some point you’d inevitably have to let it go. To know that by the end of the day whatever had transpired would be long forgotten, avoided at all costs, and yet you’d know how it felt – to be seen, to be recognised, to be loved.

That was how it felt when Jerry stepped out of the shower, a towel wrapped around his waist and a glint in his eye as he clocked you standing by the bathroom counter brushing your teeth. That was how it felt when he moved in behind you, his lips on your neck if only for a moment before he moved past you into the bedroom to get changed.

You allowed him to, trying to decide whether or not to follow him but before you could make the decision you heard the sounds of someone in the house. You crept out of the bathroom, making your way down the hall ready to tell the staff they were still not needed, not until tomorrow.

And yet when you got to the living room it wasn’t the staff you found. It was Elvis.

‘Hey,’ he said his face breaking into a smile as he saw you, coming towards you so he could place a kiss on your lips. They moved against his stiffly making you unable to arrange your thoughts together to question him any further than, ‘What are you doing here?’

‘Missed ya,’ he shrugged, ‘missed this.’

‘El,’ you breathed feeling guilt shroud you at the same time his arms did. Even more so as he mistook your guilty expression for one of concern for the boys who were now moving into the house, various suitcases and bags in tow.

‘Oh, they don’t care. If anything we were probably getting on each other's nerves after eight weeks,’ he said pressing another kiss to your lips. One that was cut short as you heard Jerry call your name.

As you looked towards where his voice was coming from he appeared, surprise on his face that quickly turned to a faux smile as he said, ‘Oh hey EP.’

‘Hey man,’ Elvis smiled.

‘What are you guys doing here?’ he asked, his eyes flitting to you in a fleeting glance before they fixated on Elvis, trying to ignore the way you were watching him.

‘Cassie was right. We’ve spent weeks in each other’s pocket so I thought I’d give them their release papers,’ Elvis chuckled earning a forced laugh from both of you that he didn’t seem to note was disingenuous as he said, ‘Everything alright with your car?’

‘What?’ Jerry said before his brain kicked into gear and he said, ‘Oh yeah, it uh, needed a part they couldn’t get till this afternoon. Figured there was no point drivin’ up there after.’

‘Nah probably not,’ Elvis agreed, letting you go only a little so that you were still tucked into his side as he asked, ‘She kept you entertained?’

‘Course,’ Jerry said, a tight smile on his face that Elvis didn’t clock.

‘Good,’ Elvis said, ‘though if you don’t mind I uh think we’ve got some entertainin’ of our own to do don’t you think.’

‘Right,’ Jerry said, ‘uh see you later.’

‘Later man,’ Elvis said, not even giving you a choice before he ushered you forward, taking you by the hand down towards your bedroom, though not before you shared one last look with Jerry.

It was an odd feeling, to have something knowing that at some point you’d inevitably have to let it go but it was a feeling made worse by the fact you weren’t sure you wanted to anymore. Because as much as it hurt Jerry to watch you do it, to be a fool, it hurt you just as much to know you were one.

It hurts me to see him treat you the way he does, It hurts me to see you sit and cry, When I know I could be so true, If I had someone like you, It hurts me to see those tears in your eyes.

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