#Im still drawing nobody die of shock

[justaboot]

can i have a hug

#Im still drawing nobody die of shock #ducktales #scrooge mcduck #della duck #dt17 #my art #ducks as humans

[theres-an-impulstor-among-us]

Deviating from game mechanics a bit for the sake of pain/drama, but hopefully that's a worthy enough cause... How about, an Impostor stabs Tango and leaves him for dead, but due to some glitch or stroke of (luck? bad luck?), Tango doesn't die right away. Through the pain and the confusion of absorbing what just happened, he manages to survive just long enough to tell somebody who the killer is...or not quite long enough to get the words out. You decide. :)

i genuinely think you read my mind LMAO bc i was writing something very similar to this but with different people involved, so thank you bc now i get to explore a different idea with those people :D /gen

...

It’s near the end of the round and there’s a lot of crewmates left. One imposter has already been ejected, so Tango feels more comfortable going into navigation by himself than usual. He usually tries to get a buddy to come with him to either electrical or navigation, or the “kill-spots” as he calls them. But this time, he doesn’t feel as nervous as usual. His chance of getting killed here has halved after the last meeting.

As he finishes his download and heads over to the console to do the stabilise steering task. Footsteps catch his ears and he glances over to find someone he believes to be a friend entering the room.

“Oh hey, Impulse. Can you-.”

But he never finishes his sentence.

Impulse’s dagger strikes Tango in the stomach, causing him to choke in shock and pain. He drops to his knees, his hands automatically flying to cover the wound. His stomach is wet and sticky under his touch.

He closes his eyes, letting himself flop against the wall. The pain is immense and he just wants it to stop.

But it doesn’t.

Seconds tick by.

A minute.

Three minutes.

He’s still here.

Why hasn’t he died yet? This has never happened before.

After what feels like years, he forces his eyes open and slowly pushes himself upwards. If he’s not going to die and nobody’s coming to help him, then all he can do is go find help for himself.

Keeping his left hand pressed against his wound, Tango uses the wall to drag himself to the door, leaving smudged bloodstains in his wake.

The journey from navigation towards cafeteria is long and arduous, not least because Tango’s addled brain has to concentrate on so many things: putting one foot in front of the other, remembering to breathe, keeping his hand clamped tightly around his leaking wound, making sure he’s watching where he’s going.

He makes it into the corridor just between weapons and cafeteria before his strength fails and he collapses against the wall. As he glances back the way he came, he can see a long trail of blood from navigation. Maybe that will alert someone to his presence.

Sure enough, a few seconds later, he hears pounding footsteps and a familiar voice calling his name.

Through his flickering vision, he sees Evil kneel down beside him, staring in horror at the blood covering Tango’s clothes and abdomen.

He tries to speak, but he can’t quite manage any words.

“Tango, stay with me!” Evil says urgently. “Stay with me!”

Tango knows he can’t stay awake much longer, so he pours all his remaining energy into opening his mouth and trying to croak out the name of his killer.

Evil turns his head to the side and yells, “I NEED HELP HERE! SOMEONE HELP!”

Within seconds, Brody appears from around the corner and dashes to Evil’s side. “Oh my god, what happened?!”

“I don’t know, I-I just found him like this. There’s a trail of blood from navigation, so I-I think he’s been like this for a while.”

“How is this possible? When someone gets stabbed or shot, they die within seconds. How has this happened?”

“I don’t know, but-.”

Tango coughs. “Im…”

“He’s trying to say something.” Brody grips Tango’s shoulder. “Save your strength, Tango. We’re gonna get you through this.”

But Tango knows that’s not true. So he reaches out for Evil’s hand and grasps it weakly, trying to convey the importance of his message. “Im… Impu…” he manages to choke out.

The effort drains Tango’s remaining strength. His head tilting slightly to the side, he lets out a final shallow breath and his hand drops to the floor.

“Oh God…” Evil murmurs, staring in shock at the blood on his hand.

“Are you okay?” Brody asks quietly.

Evil takes a deep breath. “I’ll be fine for now. But you heard that too, right? He was trying to say Impulse’s name.”

“He was. Impulse must be the imposter.”

“But are we allowed to use this knowledge?”

Brody glances at him. “What do you mean?”

“I mean this has never happened before,” Evil explains. “Like you said, people normally die within seconds. Nobody’s ever been able to survive long enough to tell us who the killer is. So are we allowed to use Tango’s dying words as evidence against Impulse?”

Brody thinks about this for a moment, before checking his tablet. “It looks like we’ve only got one or two tasks left, so…”

As if on cue, the taskbar fills up and the game finishes.

When he reappears back in the lobby, Tango stays in his seat, lifting up his shirt just to check that his wound is gone, just like he always does when he dies during a round. He feels perfectly normal, apart from the beginnings of a headache at the very back of his head.

His stomach is clear and unblemished.

Dropping his shirt, he hops up from his seat and is immediately grabbed in a hug from either side by Evil and Brody.

“Tango, are you okay, buddy?” Brody asks.

Tango nods. “Yeah, all good. Why?”

Brody and Evil exchange a frown. “What do you mean?” the latter says slowly. “We saw you bleed to death in front of us.”

“Wait, really?” Tango also frowns. “I don’t remember that. Impulse stabbed me, and that’s the last thing I remember. Pretty normal.”

As Evil opens his mouth again, Brody quickly says, “Okay, good, give us a second please, thanks.”

He draws Evil away to the other side of the lobby and lowers his voice. “Okay, this is weird. Tango doesn’t remember anything unusual happening. If it was some kind of glitch that caused Tango to not die straight away, then it also must’ve erased his memory of it.”

“Then why do we remember?” Evil responds.

“I don’t know, but this is kinda worrying. Keep an eye out for anything like this happening again in future, okay? Even if you’re the imposter, just come to me if you can and let me know. I’ll do the same even if I’m imposter.”

Evil nods. “Will do. Hopefully it won’t happen again, though.”

Brody glances back at Tango, who’s now chatting happily with Impulse. The memory of Tango bleeding out on the floor right in front of him is fresh in his mind. This may be a game about death but that was new. That was deeply unsettling. And even though Tango doesn’t seem to remember the incident, Brody would rather not have him or anyone else go through that again.

“Yeah. Hopefully.”

#friday night stabby #tangotek #evilnotion #brodyman #vaunna’s requests

[nagitolovebug]

About the komahina kids death, its bebi isnt it :(? If you can spoil it howndoes the parents react to this?

:) it actually isn't bebi! as the "mastermind" of their respective killing game, it wouldn't serve for them to die prematurely,,before the ultimate showdown between hope and despair! as for komahina reaction,,,it's definitely hard. even knowing it's just the neo world program and that their child is (physically) ok,,, I feel like they'd both force themselves to watch. as penance, for letting this happen at all. nagito says after the fact that he "didn't want her to be alone". I think, they watch as much as they can but...they probably collapse onto each other, holding each other on the floor and sob...nagito's health had been worsening due to stress and hajime refused to let himself be vulnerable at all but watching their child die in such a brutal manner....they just let it all out. I wouldn't discount the notion of one or both of them being physically ill, either. they are probably dragged from the room and forced to stop watching and rest, but I doubt either of them would be able to sleep for a very, very long time. anyway, spoilers for this hypothetical killing game!

it is actually their little sister, kiko, who dies- or rather, is executed- during bebi's game. kiko would actually be the "protagonist" of this game and as their class size dwindles down, she becomes increasingly desperate to get her twin brother (haruki) home to their family (the twins have lost their memories of bebi- a cruelty of junko's design). truly her father's daughter, kiko designs a murder plot in which haruki would be the blackened by her murder set-up- much like chiaki with nagito. however...kiko isn't the ultimately lucky student. she messes up, she's the real killer, but the way she designed the murder, she doesn't know that. at the trial they're gonna convict haru (which would've been wrong and kiko would've survived! but she doesn't know that) and that's when kiko manipulates and convinces the class to convict her instead, thinking she's saving haru. but when she's voted and revealed the blackened....it's a shock to them all. haru is shocked and confused, tearing up as they take half of his soul away,,,but he turns to the side and sees bebi, this random kid who barely spoke to kiko, sobbing inconsolably. "kiki-nii, please, y-you can't leave! please don't leave me.." and kiko clenches her fists and smiles. "it'll be ok, kurakura-chan..it'll be over soon. you're crying harder than my own brother, haha. .....haruki. take care of bebi. you guys..need to get out of here. together. get back to papa, haru. we can't....he can't lose us both." she's still smiling at them when the collar cinches around her neck and she's dragged away. the music that plays while she's killed is an eerie rendition of a lullaby hajime used to sing to her. after she's died, with haruki standing there numb, dried tears on his face, and bebi crumpled on the ground, monokuma decides to instigate further tension between the remaining siblings (half of which don't know they're siblings) "you killed her." "I...killed kiko?" "you killed them all." "no, I..I didn't. I didn't. I wouldn't. it's not possible." "your father did the same. orchestrate a killing game." "you're ..lying...daddy never hurt anyone." "hinata didn't. but he's not your dad, is he?" "shut up.." "you wanted so desperately to show them the despair in your heart that you killed them all!" "shut up ..!" "what kind of monster kills their own sister?" "SHUT UP! I DIDNT..I DIDNT..my ..iko...I just wanted them to stay.." haruki just wipes his eyes. "what..are you talking about?" ":) I'll let your sibling explain!" "kiko is dead." he spits it out. "good thing you have an extra one!" "kamukura, what is he talking about?" "I..I.." "kamukura. my sister..she just...you have to tell me. please." "she was my sister too." "what?" "I'm. you're. you're my brother, haru." "how is that possible??? no, no, I'd remember having another fucking sibling! my whole life, it's just been me and kiko and now she's dead and this..this fucking bear says its your fault! it's me and kiko, it's always been me and

kiko, and you took her away from me!" "I didn't! haruki, please, I, I didn't, I'd never hurt her-" "YOU DID! YOU HURT US BOTH! BECAUSE NOW SHE'S GONE, AND SHE LEFT ME TO CLEAN UP AFTER HER MESS! AGAIN! LIKE SHE ALWAYS DOES! FUCK! fuck. kiko. kiko. why couldn't you..why do you always have to rely on me. why am I the one who's left. you were better, and stronger, and talented, and im nobody, so why am I alone," "s-stop..." "you have some nerve to still be able to look me in the eye." "papa ...never wanted you to feel inferior for your lack of talent..so stop it. stop it. you can't.." "..what?" "he tried to make you do a billion hobbies..I remember gardening with you, and swimming, and drawing, and playing with..with uncle gundham's animals..you always hated the ducks for some reason..a-and papa would get so anxious and frantic and it'd make daddy worry terribly..I think papa was just scared for you...he never wanted you to be like him.. but he. he got better. he'd do everything with you, and tell you how special you were every day and how much he loved you, and if you say this now, you're spitting in his face." "..they used to bite you." ".....w-" "I didnt like the ducks because the mom bit you. when you picked up the little black duckling. I watched you cry for so long and you were my big sibling and you were so strong and it made you cry and it scared me. and it made me angry." "haru.." "I- I thought it was kiko. but..she would never cry like that. and the more I think about it, the more..I remember...you would...crawl into my bed when you had nightmares...because you were the least scared of me." "...." "bebi...I.." and then they crush him in a hug and start sobbing. if they're going to make it out, they're going to make it out together. for their family. for kiko.

#kiko hinata #haruki hinata #bebi kamukura #komahina #danganronpa #anon #asks #this one. this one's a lot. #bebi's siblings mean absolutely everything to them #they're the whole reason they started the game in the first place #but. clearly it didnt work out :/

[hekatekun]

do u mind saying why u dislike the original denkimystery? im interested in your ver too!

hmm well tldr: im just a hater

On a more serious note, I don’t really like paranormal activity. I think it’s a boring genre typically executed for shock value, only there to let things happen to characters, and I find if the plot seems to prioritize spooky shit over these new character dynamics, I’m gonna get bored pretty quickly. I like denki conceptually, though I’m not familiar with twin peaks or inugami - which from what I gather are the 2 biggest inspos, but I find its narrative insanely uninteresting. I’d still wanna see what happens ofc but denki to me is like “What if [character] saw a ghost and got scared?” and that‘s it. Also really dislike the “and they were 6 brothers separated at birth” schtick like I could just watch lindsay lohan play her own twin for that shit. But, again, denki isn’t bad I’m just very nitpicky.

If I were to draw blood from this stone, I would remove all supernatural elements and only make Ichimatsu and Todomatsu related (too lazy to look up their au names). The mystery creates a found family by accident, and given how they all seem to give Ichimatsu the most leeway in the show, it wouldn’t surprise me if they still found him oddly charming enough to wanna help. Also they’re just extremely bored villagers who wanna be nosy, let’s face it. Turn it into a House of Leaves by mzd situation (couldn’t recommend more but it’s not for the lighthearted whatsoever), where the real ghost haunting this house were the protagonists and the traumas they’ve stored in themselves across a lifetime of misfortune. Any supernatural elements are fictional, acting as distractions to their real world problems of midlife crises and failing relationships. Chasing ghosts under bedsheets to run from ghosts in their hearts, you know the drill.

Ichimatsu’s father disappears under mysterious circumstances in a deeply spiritual traditional village (presumably to do work as a historian), of course if the cops can’t figure it out, it must be a ghost! That’s what incredibly superstitious Ichimatsu would think, and what better way to avoid processing grief than to hunt some spirits? Better than a dude with a gun (or worse, leave it unsolved). As an only child with one parent, he’d follow in his footsteps, because he doesn’t really know what to do with himself besides what others might say (and the others do exactly as their fathers, too, no matter the au they depend on the will of another). Monkey see, monkey do - and cats too love joining in human activities to feel included. The mystery is ultimately a distraction.

If he were a historian in training in whatever metropolis, well, time to use this opportunity to sell everything here and move back to dad’s home village to investigate (hopefully his meager grad student funds can carry him through this gap year). “I’ve got nothing else better to do now that there’s nobody in this city I really care about.“ With the dad’s death, he’s contacted by his estranged brother who lived with their cafe-owner mom (they don’t all need a dayon dad sorry I hate that), who’s also passed away (a few years before the story), and Todomatsu decides to help Ichimatsu even though he thinks the ghost shit isn’t true whatsoever. But now they’re the only family they’ve got, and Todomatsu would take a weird brother over being alone again.

They both move into the dad’s old house (maintained all this time everytime he came back to do more field research) in Akatsuka and this becomes their base of operations (Todomatsu helps pay for shit by still running the cafe in the neighboring town). The others are quick to crash there on nights when they’re all dealing with the investigation (gossip. they are gossiping.), or just to drink and hangout. Jyushimatsu is presented as a bit of a villain, which I would wanna keep because it gives Ichimatsu someone with enough “spiritual cred” to investigate initially. But, well, turns out no this dude is just off his rocker, though maybe his kinda cultish family had silenced the professor? Let’s keep him around for now (aka another excuse to keep a friend and also this continues to go nowhere).

Denki to me can be about forging your own bonds and new families are made in the wake of loss. Denki can be about processing grief and that, yes, sometimes people really do die before their time, but life moves on even if it feels like it died with them.

#osomatsu san #ichimatsu #Anonymous #ask #le post #ig for me... not everything has to be fantastical. i would like a little reality #tho i do wanna see where denki goes no matter what #but i think they call that hate watching lol i dont pay much attention in actuality #tho i really would like to write this version it means a lot to me that 110 are v close in this au

[bigskydreaming]

fhalkfhaklfhlkak i hate this

TW really truly literally ruined the word ‘spark’ for me. Like the whole damn word. I hear it now and I’m like, NOPE, like...idk, some people who cringe when they hear the word moist or panties. Apologies to anyone who hates those words and cringed, i dont actually know if thats a thing or if like, I just have weird friends. Probably just the latter.

But anyways, Im just like...lmfao. Its so visceral too? Like I have this one original project, Waveriders, that I’ve been fiddling with off and on in the background of other projects for awhile, might have talked about it on here, idk, I don’t keep track. 

Basically its a far future sci-fi novel/setting for linked shorter works set on a gas giant that was settled by humans who figured that they can’t possibly be stepping on anyone’s toes there, its a freaking gas giant, hello, no one’s home, right? They literally have to make their own ground by using technology to form anti-gravity wells in the habitable zone of the atmosphere and like, make floating cities and then these kind of buoys scattered across the planet that create these electromagnetic currents that flow in specific ‘routes’ between the cities, and people travel between them in these flying ships that use magnetized hulls and solar sails to ride these currents, and blah blah blah, yada yada yada, bc like, why would I resist an opportunity to have floating cities and sky pirates and ancient cyborg machine dragons? Doesn’t make sense. 

Anyway, so couple thousand years after settling this planet, and by then for Plotty Reasons there are people who have what’s called waveriding abilities, like they can ‘hack’ certain wavelengths or types of energy and manipulate them in various ways, but only one kind of energy per person, and they each have their own little names and niches. 

So, y’know, basically just like ATLA, except for like, its energy powers and there are cyborg machine dragons and floating cities and sky pirates, obvsly. Plus areas of totally fucked up gravity called the badlands that are all like, criminal underworld metropolis because normal people are like lol nope, we like it when up is up and down is down, all of this is very just...nope. And also because shocking and totally unexpected plot twist, they were totally wrong about the planet being uninhabited just cuz it didn’t have Earth type ground...like, so in addition and on top of and in conjunction with all of the above and whatnot, there are these beings called Chaos Angels, that are basically like sentient quantum waveforms that can take any shape or appearance, but just, have no physical substance and yet are really good at faking that they’re not totally there when they fuck with humans, which they do a lot, because well. Why not, y’know?

But other than that, its exactly like ATLA. I’m a derivative hack. I disgust myself, truly I do.

BUT the point of this particular synaptic misfire aka ADHD ramble, is that so, okay, these different types of not!benders are all called waveriders as an overall umbrella term, but with ten different subsets of this in total, right? So people who can ‘hack’ light and manipulate it in various ways are called brightriders, and people who are tuned into soundwaves are called echo-riders, and some can manipulate the more electricity-skewed side of the electromagnetic spectrum and those are shockriders and the ones who skew more to the magnetic side are steelriders but I’m probably gonna change that because it sounds like a porno? Yeah no, just saw it outside of my notes for the first time and can confirm, definitely sounds like a porno so they’re not gonna be called steel-riders, but they will be called something steel-rider-esque. You get it.

And then there are the five weird ones that people aren’t totally quite sure how their waveriding shticks work because the kinds of energy they hack aren’t like....the kinds that work in the same way as the others with their easily discernible and patternistic wavelengths, and scientists and scholars are always arguing like but skyriders aren’t even in the same FIELD as the other waverider types because gravity isn’t even an actual ENERGY, just because we talk about gravity waves doesn’t mean they’re remotely the same thing as lightwaves, they make no SENSE, and I’m just like hahaha, I am your god, fictional scientists. Fucking deal with it. Plus it does make sense, you just don’t know the Secret Rules and Logistics that I do, pfft. 

Anyway, so the other types are boomriders who hack kinetic energy and skyriders of course obviously manipulate gravity, and then the last three are really weird, and super rare and thus don’t really have set names and just have lots of nicknames and are often just thought to be rumors. So those are the bio-riders who manipulate chemical energy though it often gets mistakenly referred to or just handwaved as being ‘life energy’ as though that’s a thing, ugh future way advanced people are so dumb sometimes, honestly. But so they can manipulate biological processes in various ways and do things with healing and also hurting, and basically just don’t piss one off ever. Like. You’ll die. And then there’s the psi-riders, who are essentially psychics and hack brainwaves, and I’m not at all bitter that I lack the balls to just go for broke and call them ghost riders like I want to, because ghost riders obviously sounds way cooler?? But also, Marvel would definitely sue?? Because they’re just, like that. 

And like, the last of the Weird Ones are the ones so super rare and also so hard to actually....tell if someone actually IS one, that most people think they don’t actually even exist and are just an unsubstantiated like, theoretical idea some scientist had once while high and then just, never shut up about so eventually the idea caught on. And those are the quantum-riders, or luck-riders, basically they theoretically manipulate quantum wavelengths in ways that are almost impossible to identify, like theoretically they wouldn’t even know they were doing it? Anyway, so lots of times, what are actually quantum-riders are just jealously thought to be like, really fucking lucky assholes. Even though the way their powers work really don’t have anything to do with luck or even probability, specifically, like that’s a simplistic approximation and its more like they manipulate possibilities but also shut up me, nobody cares.

ANYWAY, people who can count and who actually bothered to would probably notice by now like the funky little geniuses they are that all of those still only adds up to nine. And that’s because of the last one, the one that SHOULD go up in the brightrider, shockrider, notpornIswear!steel-rider hierarchy or taxidermy or whatever the fuck. And these are the ones who manipulate what’s essentially thermal energy, or more accurately the microwave-skewing side of the ultraviolet spectrum whereas brightriders are just the ones who skew more to the infrared side of it.

And the long and short of all of this Unnecessary-ness and the source of my fit of pique and ensuing ramble-palooza....is that ORIGINALLY, they were SUPPOSED to be called sparkriders.

But OBVIOUSLY I can’t call them that anymore, because like. I tried, and I was like ugh you drama queen slash whiny pissbaby, it was just a shitty teen supernatural show and SPARK WAS NEVER EVEN CANON, do not let THEM win and ruin a perfectly good classification name! But I did. I did let it ruin them, and its. Well. Its a problem, because I kept thinking up ways to kill off the sparkrider characters for absolutely no reason at all instead of like....thinking up ways to make the plot do what it was outlined to do in their parts of the story.

This may come like, way out of left field, and just SHOCK and STUN and BEWILDER some of you, like....no way, srsly? But yeah, true story, among my many canon mental neuroses like ADHD, PTSD, magical depression hour and super fun anxiety like....there is a tiny possibility (aka actual diagnosis) that while I don’t talk about this much, or ever really, I do have a smidge of ye old OCD? Its not like, a big thing and doesn’t really affect my daily routines and that’s pretty much why I never usually bring it up or list it alongside the rest of the crap on my neurodivergence resumé or whatever, because like, there’s already WAY too many misconceptions out there about what OCD actually is and what constitutes it, and tons of people are always jokingly but also thinking they’re kinda half serious, like ‘oh I’m so OCD about this and this and that’ and its like. LOL. Are you though? You sure?

Anyway, but point being, the way mine manifests for me is like...not actually a problem? Like, I don’t actually have any REAL complaints about it at all, just half-assed little fits of pique ones like this, which is the other part of why I never bring it up, because too often ppl just can’t fathom that OCD or even any kind of neurodivergence can be...WANTED, or a good thing, and lololol, that’s ableism, folks. But its true, I don’t actually mind mine at all, even if it occasionally makes things frustrating, when I get stuck like I am now. But the flip side of it is....its actually a pretty huge part of my creativity and just the way my mind works in general....like, what people accredit to me being particularly insightful about character analysis or drawing connections or stuff like that in meta or fics or my novels or worldbuilding...that’s what it is. That’s my OCD in action. 

My brain like...REQUIRES that I find patterns in....pretty much everything. Even day to day mundane stuff too, though like I said, its mild enough there that it doesn’t fuck with my routines too much, but like, I have to order things into nice, neat patterns and groupings. And if there aren’t any that are immediately obvious, I kinda pretty much HAVE to dig deeper until I find some on a slightly deeper level, something beneath the surface or first glance, and keep going until I find something.....or worst case scenario, I have to like....add stuff and embellish and fill in gaps with my own ‘content’ until I have the rough edges rounded off into something that CAN be stacked neatly atop some other part of the story or whatever it is I’m focusing on? And the obsessive-compulsive part for me is like, lol, I gotta find it SOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW. 

My brain literally won’t shut off or grudgingly accept being diverted to a different subject until I’ve made some kind of pattern or flowchart or classification system. It will literally keep me up for hours, going over the same things over and over from every angle until I find SOME way to....reassemble or restructure it in some nice, neat little order of some type. I mean that’s basically what it is. My brain insists on me forming some semblance of order out of any glimpse I have of what I would otherwise term creative chaos. And it won’t give up until it gets what it wants, which when you throw in my ADHD and how often I’ll get derailed off on slight tangents but with my OCD then sooner or later forcing me back to the original focus, rinse and repeat ad nauseam....like. LOL. I learned to operate on very little sleep from a pretty young age by necessity, its just...my brain, dudes. Its just like that.

But the perks are like, I pretty much think this is WHY I’m so creative....because my brain, for as long as I can remember, has always just kinda....forced me to be? Also probably has a lot to do with well...eh, I don’t need to talk about that right now. Whatever. Anyway, point being, so....I do like the end results very much so, and for all its....Why Must You Be Like This eccentricities, I’m quite attached to my brain and would not be very likely to agree to a trade even were one possible. I mean don’t get me wrong, I could do without the PTSD and anxiety, if we’re just, like....talking some pruning shears or whatever, but the actual creative machinery, I’m keeping. Ultimately it just means I really fucking like patterns and finding patterns or making patterns where previously there were none, or at least none that were easy to spot.

But ugh, man, these are the rare times when I’m like omg, just call it a day, we don’t ACTUALLY have to come up with the perfect replacement name for that one relatively small and insignificant detail of a much larger story that isn’t even in the Top Ten list of my main priorities at the moment. And my asshole of a brain is just like....yeah no, we gotta. You know the rules dude, you decided it was official, that name didn’t work anymore and was never gonna, so now we gotta find a replacement or else things will be UNEVEN?? The pattern will be...missing a piece? There will be CHAOS AND ANARCHY IN THE STREETS THAT RUNNETH OVER WITH BLOOD? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT??

And so I’m like....literally sitting here googling synonyms for spark because I’m just like that sometimes, lmfao. Oh and of course its gotta be a GOOD replacement, naturally. I can’t just shoehorn in a somewhat acceptable substitute that in the back of my mind I’m expecting to only be temporary, until I come up with something better. See, because my brain will KNOW, and it will NOT be okay with that, because that is CHEATING. And my brain, apparently, has strong feelings about cheating, which is weird and fairly unexpected of me, IMO.

Anyway, kudos to anyone who actually read through that instead of scrolling, I honestly have zero idea why I felt like sharing it, I just did and thus I did. *shrugs* 

[theabominableblogger]

Rewatching “Gotham” S4E21

*cue both of us with lots of yelling, reacting to frighting imagery, and just being done with everyone*

My sister watched it with me (as well as the other episodes left in my epic “Gotham” reaction series) so my comments will be in bold, and hers will be in regular font.  Author’s notes courtesy of me will be bolded and italicized. 

AN:   I managed to record our reactions to this episode and hopefully I can transcribe what I said into this post. 

Sooo... to break your heart, Ecco is not in the rest of the episodes.

Noooooo...

But they [ the writers] explain like why she wasn’t there.  They kinda explain that they still wanted to go into the Jeremiah and Bruce story line and finish that.

Ohhhh OK.

They wanted to finish that before they got into the whole [Jeremiah and Ecco dynamic].  Plus, basically what they established is that Jeremiah just wanted her to get out of the way so that he could do his plan and he’s like “OK, then we’re gonna do some shit!”

Sounds fair.

And I’m like “OK!  You gotta look out for your boo first!”

‘Look out for your boo,’ I love it.

“Sources tell us Captain James Gordon was at the scene and is missing and feared dead.”  Nope!

“I [Lucius] just got off the phone with Search and Rescue. Whatever blew Jeremiah's bunker was catastrophic.”  *eyes widen in shock*

“I [Harvey] want CSIs out there pronto, and I want everyone looking for Jeremiah Valeska and Bruce Wayne.”  You don’t wanna go looking for him [Jeremiah].

*softly*  Nooooo don’t.

“Jim trusts him [Harvey], okay?  So everybody get back to work.”  Thank you, Harper!  MVP!

*Harvey finds Jeremiah waiting outside the precinct*  Oh shit!

Whaaa... how?!?  What was the time span between these two episodes?

I don’t know...

‘Cause you would think it’s immediate!

Oh I love his [Jeremiah’s] coat!

Uggh.  Look at the hat!  The glasses!

I love that entire look.

I like the natural lighting too for this scene

“JEREMIAH!  JEREMIAH!”  Jesus God, he turned them all into stormtroopers!

Ohhhh that’s a great shot [the wide shot of Jeremiah vs the GCPD]

What voice are you [Jeremiah] doing?

It sounds like he’s doing the Hannibal Lecter voice

It’s Hannibal Lecter and Andrew Scott’s Moriarty...

Except without the Irish accent

*mouths along with Jeremiah saying “boom, boom, boom”*

“Don't compare me [Jeremiah] to that short-sighted psychopath.”  Dude, we’ve met you for two months!

“I'm [Jeremiah] gonna create a new Gotham in my image.  But every artist needs a blank canvas, so all of this has to go.”  *leans back in frustration*  This is like Theo Galavan in S2!

“Then everyone who dies screaming, who watches their loved ones crushed before them, will have you to thank, Detective Bullock.”  *groans*

��Nobody has to die.”  SURE JAN!

*eyes widen in shock when Jeremiah blows up the clock tower*

Hoooly shit!

And that was just the opener!  We are in for some shit ahead!

“Me [Oswald]?  I’d rather live.”  *both chuckle*

Ah, I love Robin Lord Taylor.

“They ripped out my [Jongleur’s] fingernails.”  *both yell in horror for a second*

“Normally, I [Oswald] would keep both of them for myself.  But I find myself a bit short of the necessary manpower- or womanpower, if you will.”  I knew you were gonna say that and it’s lame...

“Hugo Strange can fix Butch.”  What I wanna know is where exactly is Strange operating now.

That’s a good question.

Because his ass is still alive.

I love how like sassy these two [Oswald and Barbara] are.  It’s like, I don’t like Barbara, but she’s got so much sass.

She and Oswald kinda deserve each other honestly.

I know.

They’re each other’s bitchy gay best friends.

Oh yeah.

“Holy Mother of God, Bruce Wayne.”  *gasps*

How the hell did he [Bruce] get out of the grave?

God, he [Bruce] is heartbroken!  Your boy is heartbroken!

“I’m [Harvey] so sick of that freaking family.”  *cackles*

That is a mood!  That is a huge mood!

“Wayne Enterprises built those bombs?!?”  *groans in frustration*

He didn’t know!

He didn’t know!

“Look, I [Harvey] know you [Bruce] feel guilty. But Jim Gordon was- is important to all of us.”  God, they’re both hurting!  So much!

“So go home.  Be with Alfred.  Be safe.”  *whines*  ALFRED ISN’T THERE!

I hate this so much

[INCOMING:  ALFRED]  Oh my God!

“Alfred, where have you been?”  “No, not Alfred.”  *leans back in chair*  SON OF A BITCH!

*groans in frustration*

“I [Jeremiah] hope you [Bruce] didn't catch a cold in my brother's grave.  I know those things aren't exactly designed for the living.”  *flips off screen with both hands*

Wait, did he [Jeremiah] just turn it off?  Did he turn the detonator off ‘cause he clicked it.  Or he just set off another bomb.

I thought it was just an intimidation tactic.  No, we would have heard a boom.

Oh.

We would have heard a boom if there was another bomb.

“Bruce, let’s get something straight.”  Where do you get your [Jeremiah’s] outfits?  That’s what I wanna know!

He was already a well dressed son of a bitch before.

I will raid your closet!

“[Jeremiah] You are insane!”  *holding head in hands*  I thought I was a Pisces...

*laughs*  That is the saddest way I’ve heard anyone deliver that line

“Tell the police and I'll know.  Just like I [Jeremiah] know that's where you [Bruce] are right now.”  How does he know?  Is there a spy...

I’d say he’s bluffing.

...on the inside?

*in unison after a good two seconds*  HERCULES MULLIGAN!

And he’s [Jim] aliiive!

Well duh!

Leeeeee!!!

God, Jim getting up is such a mood!

He [Jim] grabbed a syringe as a weapon.  He’s still konked out.

You are never going to deserve her [Lee], Jim.

“I'll [Jim] have to thank him [Ed] when I arrest him.”  You are really terrible at repaying people!

*Jim rips out the IV in his arm*  Don’t do thaaat!

Why did you do that?!?  Why do people always do that?

“In my jacket I [Jim] got those [plans] from Jeremiah's office.  They may give us some clue as to what he's planning.”  And you know what, those were hanging in the background in the previous episode.

Yep.

*Jim goes back to sleep*  That is the most graceful fall I’ve ever seen.

Selina!

“Bruce, I’m [Selina] gonna be here whenever you need me.”  Aaaawww!!

*laughs in pain knowing EXACTLY what happens at the end of this episode*

“He [Jeremiah] wants something out of me [Bruce].”  “Like what, to be your best friend?”  Yep.

Yeah, actually.

*both gasp and reel back in horror when the first image of Alfred’s torture pops up in the tunnel*

*both immediately hold hands*

“[Lee] You brought him [Jim] here because you thought it would give us leverage with the GCPD.”  “Yes.”  “By holding him hostage!”  *does a WTF shrug*

“This drawing is the key to Valeska's plan.  We solve it and we trade the information for clemency.”  How good is that gonna do you guys?

*shrugs*

“Or perhaps there’s something more going on.”  That’s a safe bet.

Oh my God...

“What happened between Jim and I is over.”  *groans in frustration*

“Ed, if this maniac levels half the city, it's gonna disrupt food distribution, water supply, power.  The people of the Narrows will suffer the most.  We can prevent that, while, at the same time, helping us out of this mess we're in.”  OK, yeah, I’m with Lee.

Yeah.

I’m with Lee.

Yeah, that’s a very good point.

“Do it for us.”  Don’t kiss him again.

Noooooo!!!

*Lee and Ed kiss*  I die a little bit inside every time that happens.

Lucius really is the best.

He is the best.

“But how do we find it? How do we find this brain [the core relay]?”  Foregone conclusion:  you guys don’t find it.

Ohh that’s a good shot [of Jeremiah walking into the building]!  That’s straight out of “Mask of the Phantasm!”

I love it.

*forms an imaginary box around Jeremiah*  A LOOK!  That is a look!

It really is.  With the red gloves!

“I envy you.”  You do noooot!  Shut up!

“Call our friend. Tell him to kill the butler. He’s no longer necessary.“  *shakes finger at screen*  MMM-MMMM!!

You better not!  I mean, I know they don’t, but you better not!

Oh my God, I’ve seen this scene!

“Oswald Cobblepot.  Barbara Kean.  In my stronghold.”  It’s less likely than you think!

“And is that my dear Jongleur with my core relay in his hand and a grenade taped to his mouth?”  Yes that is!

Holy crap, no, he’s [Oswald] like twirling the [bomb] wire!

Yeeeeppp.

A+ hat removal

“It seems you [Oswald] have the upper hand.”  OK, whenever somebody says that, immediately believe that you’re toast!

Those contacts [of Jeremiah’s] are just so unsettling.

They are.

*imitates the way Jeremiah is sitting*

I would like to know who dyed his [Jeremiah’s] hair.

*laughs when Jeremiah rolls his eyes whenever Barbara speaks* 

OK, how do they not realize they’re being had?  If somebody’s playing it that calm, immediately think something is bad.

“ Well, that and being vastly more intelligent.“  Yeah, he’s basically just telling them right there “Dude, what are you guys doing?”

Oh my God, Penguin, are you that dense?

He’s [Jeremiah] probably calling Ecco.  He’s like “Oh my God, can you believe this bullshit?!?”

*chuckles*

Ecco probably dyed his hair.  Headcanon.  There we go.

“We’re not just gonna hand this thing over and let him destroy Gotham, are we?”   “Of course not. Once we get the money, we kill Jeremiah and his people, give the core relay to the police, split the $50 million, and are hailed as the heroes of Gotham!”  WHY ARE YOU ADMITTING THAT RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM [Jeremiah]?!?

I think that’s the boom mic.  It was a little too close.

They’re saying this right in front of Jeremiah!

I know!

“Can you believe it?  They put me on hold?”  His phone wasn’t even on the entire time.

*jaw drops when Jeremiah pulls out the bazooka*

WHAT THE SHIT-

*jaws drop when Jongleur gets blown up*

*softly*  WHAT THE F-

You realize you ruined your entire plan by destroying the core relay.

“ What’s insane about having a backup plan?  Something Jongleur never knew about.”  *imitates the way Jeremiah dramatically brushes himself off*  Oh I’m sorry, gotta brush myself off!

“And whose fault is it that I changed my mind?”  *grabs desk in shock*

I’m altering the deal.  Pray I don’t alter it any further.

“...kill these idiots.”  And he just RUNS!

*chuckles*

Look at ‘im, look at ‘im!  Nyoom!

Look at him go!

“Hello, Bruce.”  Hi asshole!

“ I imagine you’re wondering, why is Jeremiah doing this?”  *puts head on desk*  I’M DONE!

“My brother once said, “All it takes is one bad day to reduce the sanest man alive to lunacy.”  OK no, you don’t get to ape that- oh my God, they are literally doing the “Killing Joke” thing ‘cause he’s got all these things on the walls!

Aaauugghh!

*both put our hands on our heads in horror*

AAAHHHHH I HATE THIS EPISODE.  I HATE THIS EPISODE SO MUCH!

*Scarecrow starts breathing*  Jesus God...

*whines in shock behind hands*

“I’ve [Jeremiah] instructed Scarecrow to mix up something exceptional.”  Oh my God,another one?

*slaps hands on desk in horror*

“Your butler is going to show you the path ahead.”  *in unison*  Noooo!

Nooo, we’re not doing this!

Noooo!

He’s [Scarecrow] got the fear gauntlets on [from the Arkham games]!

*both instantly freak out when Alfred gets sprayed with the insanity gas*

“I [Ed] want to make one thing very clear. If Gotham becomes a rock pile, I mind zero percent.”  Pfftt.

“I’m only helping you [Jim] because I’m with Lee now.”  “Fine.  Whatever.”  *chuckles*

You’re full of shit, Nygma.

“ Ed, Jeremiah Valeska is threatening to destroy half the city. You really think I care if you’ve deluded yourself into thinking you and Lee are a couple? ”  EEEEEEEYYYYYYYY!!!!  YES!!

The man has a point.

“[Jim] You don't believe that Lee could actually love me [Ed], do you?”  “Honestly? No.”  OH MY GOD, JIM!

“[Ed] You're a psychopath and a murderer.  And the fact that you need me [Jim] to validate your crazy fantasy means that you don't believe it either.”  *claps excitedly*  HOOOOOOOOO!!!

I don’t trust for a second that you [Ed] can carry on a relationship without hurting the woman involved!

“She’s with me in every way.”  Freeze him!  Put him in ice again!

Please, God.  He did less harm that way.

Can we get back to the topic at hand thank you!

“So you're saying that she [Lee] wouldn't be with a killer?  And yet she was with you [Jim].”  *sits back in frustration*  EEEEEDDDDD....

Noo, EEDDD... he’s saying Jim’s worse than him.

OK no...

*groans in frustration*

“Can we do this?”  *raises hands in air*  Thank you.

*Ed figures out the diagram*  It’s a skyline.

Damn...

“Jeremiah lived his entire life in a maze. Now he's trying to remake the city into the place he feels most safe.”  “It's actually rather elegant.”  Jeremiah’s more of a Riddler than the actual Riddler.

*shrugs*

*shrugs*  Yeah...

“Lee and I have some legal knots we need untangled.  Before we spend the rest of our lives together.”  I’m so done.

Screw you, Eddie!

I’m so done with you!

Now I’m reminded why I didn’t like you!

I liked him in the first half of S4, now it’s just like “Ugh.”

*cheers when Jim knocks out Ed*

THANK YOU!  Thank you for that!  I would have done it myself!

*gasps when the show cuts back to Barbara and Co. taking out the rest of Jeremiah’s goons*

Ugh, you [Oswald] are so boned...

*claps hands with each word*  LET!  US!  MOVE!

“IS THIS OSWALD?!?”  *chuckles*

*chuckles when Harvey abruptly hangs up on Oswald*

*Jim walks back in*  Eeeyyy!

There he is!

*smiles when Harvey hugs the crap out of Jim*

“But what matters is, I have the locations of every bomb Jeremiah planted.”  Oh he wrote them down!

Auugghh, Jim, when you’re awesome, you’re awesome, and when you suck, you suck.

*sighs*  Yeah...

I’m gonna hate this very much...

Ohhhh fear gas!

Ohhhhhhhh, screw that noise.

*gasps when Scarecrow walks up behind Selina*

Aaand that’s him.

OH HE’S GOT A SCYTHE HOLY SHIT 

He’s got a scythe...

LOOK AT HIM, HE’S SO COOL!

“I [Scarecrow] think our little experiment is about to get much more interesting.”  Oh nononononono...

*Selina starts beating up goons*  Oh, go, go, go, go!

“I [Harvey] need this, Jim.”  Let him take it.

Ugghh, c’mon guys!

God, Scarecrow looks so cool...

*both freak out when Scarecrow starts swinging his scythe at Selina*

They’re pumping the hallway that Bruce is in with that [fear gas]!

*shakily*  Yeah...

So he’s actually seeing a bunch of stuff that isn’t happening.

Yeee-eepp.

*covers hands in horror when we see more of Alfred’s torture*

This is like a Nine Inch Nails music video!

It kinda does...

Jesus Christ...

*both reel back in horror*

“Alfred?”  Oh no, did they- noooo....

*puts hands on head in shock*

Noo they didn’t!

*both yell in horror when Fake Alfred gives himself a Glasgow smile*

It’s just fear gas!

It’s fear gas!  It’s fake!

It’s fear gas...

It’s fake, it’s fake, it’s fake, fake, fake, fake, fake, fake!

*shakes hands in worry*  Oh God...

I DON’T LIKE THIS EPISODE AT AAALLL!!

*sighs*  I’m with you there...

*gasps when Fake Alfred slices Bruce’s sweater with the knife*

Oh my God, no...

Where the heck are they?!?

I don’t know...

*Selina finds someone locked behind a door*  Is that where Alfred is?

“Brucey... give me a smile!”  *jaw drops in horror*

Noo...

Nononononono...

Aaahhhh...

*both cover our mouths in horror when Fake Alfred gets shot and goes over the balcony*

“Scarecrow was just pumping his fear gas in here.”  *keels over*  I’m done, you guys!

*both keel over in exhaustion when Alfred appears*

That wasn’t him...

“Look, I’m fine.  it’s me.  It’s Alfred.”  *sing songs*  Huuuugggg him noooooww!

Please...

Aahhhhh....

“Alfred?”  Give this boy a hug, pleeeasseee...

Aaahhhh....

I’ve seen this before, but I’m so worn out... I’m so worn out by this episode...

*sighs*  That’s understandable...

We have 11 minutes to go... then we have the finale.

“I [Harvey]  don't know what it's [the bomb] supposed to look like, but I think it is exactly what I'm staring at.”  Disable it.

Could only wonder how stable that thing [the bomb] is.

*Jeremiah enters the room*  Hooo... that is such a sharp suit...

*snorts in hilarity at Jeremiah’s little smirk of approval that he gives his followers*

“No, wait, Harvey, one of the breakers could be the supercharge fail-safe. Whatever you do, do not touch that one.”  *raises hands in WTF manner*

Well, which one?!?

Vertigo shot....

Yeeeeeepppp....

“This is a message to the followers of Jeremiah Valeska. Jeremiah claims to have killed me [Jim]. Well, bad news, I’m alive.“  *leans back*  Hooooooo...

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

Whooooo....

“So, just know you’re worshipping a fraud. A pale imitation of Jerome.“  *jaw drops in shock*

“You did your worst, Jeremiah, and I’m still here.”  Hooooooooooo!!!

Jim almost died and he’s so done with everything.  Drag them!

Oh my God, this is gonna be so great.

*Harvey pulls out one of the breakers*  He did it!  Please tell me he did it!

*both laugh in relief when Harvey realizes he saved the day*

He did it!  YA DID IT, HARVEY!

*Jeremiah realizes he done effed up*  Oh schnap.

"SHUT UUUUUUPPPPPPP!”  *gasps*

...Shit.

*jaw drops open and covers mouth in shock when Jeremiah starts to laugh to himself*

*under her breath*  What the...

He [Jeremiah] just spit on that word [’fickleness’]

*shakily*  This music is also very good...

*chuckles*  [And he] Runs!

Oh, this is where he- yeeeeeeppp.

*jaw drops when Jeremiah purges his followers*

“Perhaps the outcome was not what we had hoped, - but it was worth the risk.”  Everyone’s like “Oswald, shut up.”

Seriously though...

“Let’s go, Butch.”  “Nope.”  *raises hands in air*  Thank you!

“.Ever since we [Oswald and Butch] teamed up, everything's gone to crap.”  He’s not wrong...

“Except I [Oswald] do know where Strange is.”  You’ve held out on this the entire time?!?

“And how exactly do we pay him [Strange]?!?”  “I [Tabitha] can be very persuasive.”  *sighs*

Stab him.

I think that’s a... desanctified church that he’s [Jeremiah] in

Could very well be, yeah...

Oh, he’s [Jeremiah] using an old map...

Yep.

“I [Ra’s] had a vision.  Of Gotham in flames.”  *sits back in seat*  I’m done...

Who the hell...

“Together, we can make that happen.”  Ohhhhh....

“Well, I [Jeremiah] appreciate the offer, but recent events have convinced me of the benefits of working alone.”  You have a girlfriend.

Go to hell, Ra’s!

Just so you know, Jeremiah, you’re holding your gun way off.  His arms are like super close to him; they should be fully extended when he holds the gun.  Dude!

AN:  His hair? WACK!  His gear?  WACK!  His jewelry?  WACK!  His foot stance?  WACK!  The way that he talks?  WACK!  The way hat he doesn't even like to smile?  WACK! 

“Because, my boy, all this is not just about Gotham.”  You are so full of shit, Ra’s.

‘Course it’s not...

“This is about Bruce Wayne.”  Because everything in this GODDAMN SHOW IS ABOUT Bruce Wayne!

Gaaaahhhhhh...

“[Lee] Leave Gotham.  Start a new life somewhere else.”  A day late and a dollar short, Jim.

Wait, leave Gotham?  The evacuation’s still going.

“But whatever happens after I [Jim] walk out that door, I care about you [Lee].  And I always will.”  *puts hand to chest*

And the actors are married and you can teeeell!

God dang it, I hate this.

FRICKINNNNN’-

Go away, Ed!

NOOOOOOOOOOOO... go away...

Mr.  Nygma, I formally invite you to eat from the bag of infinite dicks.

“Give it up for Harvey Bullock.”  Yaaayyy!  Yes, cheer for this man!

*both clap for Harvey*

After all the shit he’s had to put up with!

“Well, I'm [Alfred] gonna take a very long and a very hot shower.”  Yes!

*leans all the way back in seat, thinking about the ending*

Are you OK?

No, I’m nooottt...

*Selina props her legs up on Bruce*  Aaawww!

Oh oh oh oh...

Kiss.  Kiss.  Kiss.

*both start chanting “KISS” then cheer once Bruce kisses Selina*

Ohhhh man... they’re just ticking all the boxes for “How Do We Comfort the Audience After All the Shit They Just Saw?”

*laughs in pain knowing what happens next*

“Why do you [Bruce] think he's [Jeremiah] so obsessed with you?”  Some shit!

*both laugh*

God, this was grueling!

*both yell when Jeremiah strolls in*

*both yell in horror when Jeremiah shoots Selina*

YOOOUUU- NO, NONONONO!

She’s fine though!  She’s fine, because she has the um, the nine lives!  [Selina] You’re good!  You’re good, honey!

*Alfred beats the crap out of Jeremiah*  Gooo Alfred, gooo!

BEAT.  HIS.  ASS!

Go Alfred go Alfred go Alfred-

Please, c’mon!  C’mon!

*both sigh in frustration when the episode ends*

[Expletive]... this... episode...

#Gotham #gotham spoilers #one bad day #the blogger reacts #looked at the stars and considered a reaction #FOX #jeremiah valeska #oswald copplepot #robin lord taylor #harvey bullock #bruce wayne #jim gordon #lee tompkins #edward nygma #selina kyle #lucius fox #ecco gotham #eccomiah #scarecrow #alfred pennyworth #ra's al ghul #jongleur

[groundramon]

Homph I finished tri and I wrote down my thoughts as I was watching because I had too many funny shitposts and nobody to share them with bc charlie hasn’t watched tri yet

PS i wont be reblogging tri spoilers (besides MINOR stuff like, digivolutions of already confirmed digivolution lines or non-spoilery shitposts, but I’ll try to tag shitposts as #tri spoilers anyways [digivolutions specific to tri ill tag as well but not ones that were already basically confirmed]) for a while so ur safe here!  I’m just gonna like everything/most things because then I can rb em to hisyaryumon lmao (also u should check out hisyaryumon....its me n charlie’s digimon blog)

EP 1:

- ok. alright. ok. good. they’re dealing with kari’s emotions now instead of just. nothing.  ok. alright. cool.  Still dont like how obscure/”artsy” they’re being with it, this is digimon not kagerou project, but ok.

- Also. I stand by tk and kari being one of the few good straight ships in digimon.  just saying.

- kari: this is my fault... me: god damn it shut up you little brat also me: god relatable ALSO me: ill take whatever display of emotions i can get

- I love how nobody believes tai is dead like.  They’re upset and worried but they’re also like “nah. he cant be. that fucking asshole just left us in our time of need” (actually only matt is the last one)

- Gabumon i would die for you also im crying and I think that’s the first time tri managed to make me fucking CRY

EP 2:

- I had thoughts but then the 02 kids happened and I entered another plane of reality.  I don’t feel real right now

- the only one I can remember is evil!gennai being a dumbass and being like “SUFFER AND SQUIRM YOU PATHETIC HUMANS AS YOU FIGHT OVER THE LAST SEAT” 1. humans are KNOWN for their ability to care for others you dumb obvious fuck and 2. is. is the entire tube going? because that tube can fit too people if they squish.  This isn’t a joke I’m serious it can.

- oh yeah also when i saw whomstever the fuck his name is (adult guy who i love but fuck names) and he was all bloodied i was like “its a cold day in hell when i see blood in digimon” (I think there was blood in an earlier ep but shh idc)

EP 3:

- didn’t nishijima start off as a fucking life coach to these kids.  What the fuck he was supposed to help them find a career not emotionally scar them by bloodily dying in front of one of them

- im realizing that the reason hackmon was always in his cloak, in the shadows, standing still is that they cannot animate him in any normal position for the life of him.  I drew him with better anatomy when i was 14 and didn’t have a tablet.  No seriously, look:

I didn’t say it wasn’t bad, you guys are just underestimating how bad the anatomy on this poor creature is.  Why cant ppl draw dracomon or hackmon correctly imma cry

- ordinemon has the best reaction faces

the best part about these two screenshots is that they literally cut one to the other, first the first one to the second one and then it cuts back to the first one.  They were really proud of these stupid ass expressions.

- I started overcoming my dissociation shock from the second episode and my hypercritical mind was analyzing the shit out of everything that happened (it is Not happy) but then evil!gennai called kari and evil goddess and idk if he’s exaggerating to make her feel bad or if she’s literally a fucking god of chaos and destruction and either way im like

she did kinda like.  Watch wizardmon die, watch tai die, watch gatomon get absorbed.  The dark ocean is just a metaphor for depression and honestly if 02 wasn’t all over the fucking place I think Kari would’ve had some pretty decent development in it.  Actually you know what, I’m using that as an angle to approach Tri at now, wish me luck bc i might actually give it more leeway now

EP 4:

- I’m not dissociating but I forgot to say anything again and I already forgot what happened

- Cant believe mei is fucking dead

EP 5:

- I like to imagine that Tai got there like a few minutes ago, but he was like “well damn guess yall figured it out without me.  alright ill just. see if I need to do anything” and then meicoomon was Still Bad so he waited for when she struck just to make the most badass entrance possible.  Fucking extra ass bitch

- I forgot to write anything again but uhhh I wasn’t satisfied so anyways lets just get into the Juicy Details

Originally I was actually planning to be kinder to Tri than I expected.  Was very invested during it.  ‘Round the end of the last ep I realized hmmm no this isn’t working out.  Where are the 02 kids.  You should’ve brought them in to save the day.  That would’ve been SO cool and SO fun.  Fucking cowards.

god I’m kinda tired so I’m going to address a couple things I still had problems with, note that this isn’t everything it’s just everything I felt comfortable yelling about without rewatching past eps.  Like I forgot nishijima was all bloodied and presumably died in the last part until they brought it up and I was like “????” ALSO DID THE LADY WHO WAS HIS PARTNER OR W/E KILL HERSELF WITH THE GUN SHE FOUND, I JUST REALIZED LITERALLY AS I WAS TYPING THIS THAT SHE FOUND A GUN AND THEN I THINK IT CUT TO BLACK AND I’M

DID SHE FUCKING KILL HERSELF WHAT THE FUCK

anyways my problems:

1. They did joe. really dirty.  I’ll write a more proper rant on this sometime later (mostly bc charlie is MUCH better at talking about joe than I am) but basically I can tell you that his character development in the movies squandered his OG character development.  He’s basically an entirely different person.  Like Tri joe isn’t bad, besides being largely neglected (yes he has a whole half a movie to himself, no that doesn’t make up for it all), its just...not OG joe.  He’s a fine character just not the same character, and its NOT fine when you put the two together.

2. THEY DID THE 02 KIDS EVEN DIRTIER IM SO BITTER sorry you nostalgia-blind, money-hungry fucks at bandai, but the 02 cast is PART OF THE ADVENTURES UNIVERSE.  The only people who hate 02 are ones who like the characters but hate the mess of the storyline at the end, or are completely irrational and elitist about their love of the digimon series and would greatly re-evaluate their opinions if they watched the original series and 02 back to back.  They couldn’t even show them in some kind of group montage at the end??? Standing in the background when they call Mei???  Why couldn’t they call mei from a home phone also, but that’s a less important problem idc that much.  It was a cute scene besides the lack of 02 characters.  Whatever.  AND THE PROBLEM IS LIKE kari and tk?  This entire time???  Were like “oh they disappeared. oops” instead of being frantically searching for their lost friends???  Like i get tk and kari probably have fucking ptsd and can’t express any emotions because they watched important people die in front of their eyes at an incredibly young age but also 1. they didn’t address the ramifications of ptsd, so fuck that theory/excuse and 2. THAT??? WOULD ONLY MAKE THEM LOOK HARDER??? and put on a brave face as they look, but inside they’re so scared and so worried.  Not just “oh sweet, they were found/saved, theyre in the hospital but that’s fine” like WHAT theyre fucking assholes if that’s what they’d canonically do lmao.  God I am SO bitter over the ENTIRE thing with the 02 kids, it would’ve been BETTER if they were deleted from the fucking canon entirely.  Would I have still been bitter?  Yes.  But at least I wouldn’t be madder at TK and Kari too.

3. I stand 100% by the notion that Digimon is not and will never be cut out to be an adults’ franchise.  It wasn’t designed for adults, and it can’t be skewered towards adults.  These particular characters were designed for kids to relate to and find entertaining.  They do not work when placed into an adult setting.  Like, can you imagine a character like Ed from FMA going to the Digimon world?  I guess in a way that’s just Marcus but like.  Just imagine the FMA cast in Digimon Adventure.  It doesn’t work.  Digimon Tri is basically that except real.  Also Data Squad was darker than Adventure so my joke doesn’t even work.

I guess my primary point is that Tri isn’t mature enough of a setup for an adult audience.  It puts a focus on being “complex” and “philosophical” instead of working within Digimon’s constraints and making something good and adult out of that.  Like!  Digimon is a fucking TOY COMMERCIAL.  Don’t give me messages about the futility of human life.  I want bad puns and emotional characters.  That’s what Digimon has ALWAYS been, and ideally always will be.  Tri could’ve made itself more mature by dealing with the ramifications of the Digital World’s events, how it affected the kids psychologically and dealing with healing old scars.  It would’ve been a more mature take on a story we loved and would use things we loved about the story already - the fact that it took so much time exploring characters’ emotions and was surprisingly mature for the time - to make itself better.  You need to take the aspects that drew adults to the show and amplify them, not just slap on a complex story and unfunny dialogue and be like “oh this is fine, right?”

It’s not that Digimon can’t exist as an adult property, its just that if it repeats what Tri did, it’s got no merit and in my eyes the franchise is dead.  If it survives I guess I’ll be happy that people can still enjoy it but I find it unsustainable and unsatisfying to fans of the older series.  Tri is just a fuckfest of highly specific nostalgia that tries too hard to appeal to old fans without capturing what made the original series so magical, and in part thats because the original series WASN’T FOR ADULTS.  I don’t know about the Digimon Story games, bc they’re T-rated so perhaps they’re a better take on an adult Digimon story than Tri?  But you either need to make your own characters and lore specifically for an adult-oriented Digimon season, or perish.  Also, please make it a series and not a group of movies.  Getting four eps every 6-9 months was hell.

I stand by saying Appmon is a more faithful Digimon season than Tri to Digimon’s original spirit.  I believe it holds more potential for success than Tri and better embodies the spirit of the older Digimon seasons.  It’s dumb, its corny, it has horrible puns, but I LOVE it because it also has a deep dark story and emotional moments.  If you dislike Tri and you agree with things I said that make it unlikeable, I highly recommend giving Appmon a chance - if you watch a few episodes and think “oh yeah, I guess this is decent” you’re going to like it.  It’s everything Digimon has always been and hopefully always will be, just with a different concept.  And hopefully the end of the series doesn’t leave a sour taste in my mouth and I have to redact this statement haha since I’m not done with it yet, but I’ve heard good things about it so I’m hoping not so.

Overall, if you watch Tri, don’t get your hopes up.  It resolves everything okay-ish but it’s a pretty forgettable anime on its own and simply doesn’t work as part of the Digimon franchise.

I am, however, pretty interested in what evil!gennai said at the end about Diaboromon and Daemon.  It raises interesting questions about the timeline too.  We know Daemon is in the dark ocean, so perhaps that’s a hint at a future project?  (They did confirm a future project btw, in conjunction with tri being over)  But what about Diaboromon?  I dont believe that Our War Game (I think thats what its called?) took place after Tri, based on the outfits and ages and stuff, but I also don’t remember the movies that well.  Could Diaboromon still be out there too?  It’s interesting.

However, because of the lackluster performance of Tri, I don’t have my hopes up and I really hope that this “next project” goes in a different direction.  Although I guess if they include the 02 kids, I’ll be somewhat less salty...

Side note, did they ever explain why the gennais went evil?  Like ?  That’s a pretty important thing.  The gennais helped SAVE the human world in 02.  And I get that apparently Tri is ignoring 02′s ending but still.  It’s shitty, because Gennai was still a good guy in the original too (and also they cant just keep is younger look and act like 02 never happened)  MAYBE its something I missed but I dont think so.  God there’s just.  So much wrong with Tri.  I’m very displeased and very bitter and I wanna get back to Appmon asap.

It’s got good moments, its got bad moments, I dont know, I don’t care.  There’s nothing wrong with you if you like it, there’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t, and there’s nothing wrong with you if you flip flop and are split like me.  I just wish Tri fulfilled its potential instead of becoming a boring mess.

#stormy speaks #digimon

[evanthenerd83]

Blood And Ink: The Other Notes

It’s been a while since I last posted an update and the situation hasn’t improved. You guys and girls and ghouls should know why. Even if you just recently found this blog, you’ve probably seen the posts, the photos, and the glitched out text.

It isn’t exactly subtle in its goal. It hasn’t tried to hide from you all. It knows that you’re reading this and won’t stop drawing attention to itself until I do what it wants.

And I’ll get to that later.

So, here I am.

I didn’t use my laptop for a week after reading the second note. I kept it behind the bookshelf, unplugged and turned off. It wasn’t because of the note itself, though. I understood what it meant and while it was definitely unnerving, it didn’t really bother me that much. Something about my stories has inoculated me against real life oddities. Write enough stories featuring the paranormal and you get used to weirdness.

My autism might have helped, too. I tend to adapt easily to a schedule, especially at school, and I will ignore any difference present in the environment.

Of course, I might just be speculating. Or exaggerating. Or lying. I know how ridiculous that sounds, but I don’t have a better explanation.

Anyway, it wasn’t the note that unnerved me, but the fact that something had used my laptop without me knowing. That it knew me. My hobby. That it could communicate with me. And that it could leave me notes.

There was also the subject of whether it would leave me another one or not. I had no clue.

What could it do?

Could there be another note waiting for me?

I would stare at the bookshelf and the spine of my laptop. A part of me itched to turn it on while another was screaming at me to take a hammer to it. But I couldn’t really destroy it. Not without getting into trouble at least. My reluctance to satisfy my curiosity grew with each passing day.

I eventually started to make excuses. I had to work. I had to study for the EOCT in Economics. There were too many things I had to do. The week passed by fairly quickly though.

Finally, the break came around and I had no excuse.

The Thing started to move here. When I posted an update explaining how I had been taking a break from writing due to school, several letters were emboldened. They spelled something out. The word “lies”.

I didn’t know how to react to its assertion and decided to ignore it. But someone sent me an anon message. I got the notification on my phone.

“Are you okay?”

Once again, I brushed it off. I lied and said that I was fine.

In fact, I posted a selfie saying so.

A couple of minutes passed before I got another notification. Another anon message.

“What’s with the sickly photo?”

I opened the Tumblr app and came face to face with myself. A selfie that had been distorted to the point where I could make out each and every pimple in crystal clear detail. Shadow clouded. Gray. And underneath it were the words, “IM FiNE Im FIne iM fINe IM FINE IM FINE IM FINE IM FINE”, accompanied by a few tags.

“I’m fine”.

“Nothing to worry about”.

“Don’t worry about me”.

“Don’t you trust me?”

The Thing was taunting me. It knew that I was lying to you guys and wanted me to be ashamed. And its attempts were working. I felt sick to my stomach.

I was raised in a Christian household and I’ve always been told to tell the truth, lest I’d be damned to Hell. It worked for a while. But as you should already know, I lied about the weird text posts. And I kept on lying.

Another notification. Another anon message asking me about my health, this time a lot more reactionary. Some social justice warrior called me a heartless and disgusting person and threatened to report me to Staff. I assumed that someone who had suffered from depression had read one of my more graphic stories and been offended. I checked my blog.

But when I saw the post, I felt my heart drop into my lower intestine. The Thing hadn’t posted a picture. It had posted some text. I braced myself for what I could only assume was a demand.

It was worse than that.

“i did it. i opened my skin for the first time and it was excruciating. but it was also fun. pulling out my Bones and severing veins and siLencing my screaming nerves. this must be hOw he feels. this is wrOng though. i shoulDn’t be hurting myself for such An occasioN, no matter how exciting. but i’m just so happy. he’s starteD wrItiNg again.”

I wanted to scream after I read it. I wanted to die. The Thing was glorifying self harm and had decided to post its musings onto Tumblr, of all places. And it had done so on my blog.

My confusion turned into panic as I scrambled to throw out a decent apology. I brushed it off as a joke. A terrible, terrible joke. I knew that was another lie, but I had to do something to not be crucified by the hoards of SJWs who were knocking on my front door. It worked and nobody even noticed the tasteless portrayal of such a sensitive subject. I was relieved. For the moment.

I went into the post’s available options. I meant to select the delete option, but the screen flickered and I accidentally reblogged it. I had to issue another apology.

The Thing wasn’t done yet. It took me a while to notice them, but there were words in bold that were hidden in my apologies. The first contained “check the” and the second held “laptop”. Put those together and you get: “Check the laptop”.

Check the laptop.

My laptop.

It wanted me to check my laptop. I glanced at my bookshelf and shuddered when I saw the silver spine poking out of the darkness, just where I had left it. The rational part of my mind was in a screaming match with my curiosity. This could’ve been a trick. Another ploy to get my attention. But at the same time, it could’ve been a honest request.

My curiosity won in the end and I reluctantly pulled it out. Dust had settled around its screen and the battery was dangerously low, about twenty percent. I didn’t plug it up though. Didn’t really care.

It worked fine enough.

A familiar feeling raised its ugly head as I opened Notepad. It had been weeks since I read the notes, but I could still remember how uncomfortable they made me feel. The Thing knew a lot about me. It knew things that were meant to be private. It must have been stalking me.

There was a new file folder in Notepad. There wasn’t a title and it didn’t appear to be that big. Just a couple of gigabytes. I opened the file, coming face to face with six documents. Two of those documents were the first notes I had read. I scrolled down to check if the first notes had been deleted or just simply transferred or copied, but I couldn’t find the originals.

The third document was titled “I’m Sorry”. From the information displayed, it was created a day after I had hidden my laptop. My fear almost won the argument. All of the shock and confusion from earlier returned as a fire. But it was already too late for self preservation. I opened it.

“You’ve been gone for quite a while now, Evan. Is everything okay?

I’m sorry for making you upset. I shouldn’t have pushed you so far. You needed some time to get back into the groove. You weren’t ready. Hiatuses can be hard. I can respect that.

But you can’t just leave me alone.

Not like that.

You didn’t even respond.

Just understand.

I need you.”

The fourth was titled “Why”. It had been created a week ago. A very short note.

“Was it something I said? Why would you keep me like this?”

The fifth was titled “Remember Me”. Created six hours earlier.

“Did you forget about me?

Hm?

I’m sure you didn’t. You couldn’t have.

But I can’t shake the feeling.

Maybe I need to jog your memory.”

It was obvious what it meant. It had posted about self-harm in order to get my attention. All its other attempts had failed and it knew enough about Tumblr to fire a warning shot. And that strategy had worked.

I had denied its authenticity and accidentally reblogged it. Reacted to it. Surely, that was what it wanted from me.

But there was still one more note.

The sixth note was titled “Everything”. Created an hour before I had decided to check on my laptop.

“I hate you.

I've tried everything. Everything.

It doesn’t matter how many notes I write. You still haven’t realized how much it hurts.

You probably think that you can just stop and I’d no longer exist. Well too bad. I’m not going anywhere.

So what will it take to get you to write again?”

To write again.

I swallowed some spit. As soon as I read those words, everything clicked. Made sense.

It didn’t just want my attention. It didn’t just want me to respond to its constant inquiries and notes. It wanted me to write again. It was waiting for me to come up with another story or poem. All this time, after everything it had put me through for the last month, it wanted that?

I exited out of the document and closed the file folder. My head started to hurt.

I created a new document, stared at it, and typed a single word. A question.

“Why?”

#evanthenerd83's storytime #blood and ink #update #true story

[susan-gampre]

Squandered Rumors

This is a collaboration piece between @ophelia-gampre , @gwynepainelacrux , @ralleigh-breakridge , and myself!

When word reached her of Ophelia's attacker the Madam was absolutely murderous. True she loathed her sister for having pulled the stunt she did just a day prior, but despite how much she hated the woman... She loved her. Ophelia was still Susan's sister, still the woman she grew up with -- loved with, cried with, fought with. And fought for. still the woman she grew up with -- loved with, cried with, fought with. And fought for.

A coward... On the cusp of doing his worst to her sister had their oldest brother not arrived upon the scene. She heard the full story from a more beloved servant, a woman so soft spoken and meek she was too naive to even attempt to play tricks on the Madam. So instead they formed a type of bond that gave Susan a necessary in with the servants.

Lilian was Susan's eyes and ears of the manor. And the story wasn't at all what Susan was expecting to acquire when having asked Lilian how the day was looking for Snowdrift.

Viewer discretion is advised --- Beyond this line is a story detailing suggestion toward rape, abuse, nudity, and death -- NSFW

Upon rounding the corner, Ophelia nearly bumped right into one of the guards, "Ah-- shit, excuse me." She apologized, her tone as drained as she, sleepy from having just awoken. 

He eyed her, very obviously.

"Aha! Hey! Should watch where your goin'." The man joked, and she just forced a short exhale of air that could classify as a laugh, she started to move past him but he lifted a hand to her shoulder, stopping her.

Ophelia did not want to be touched right now, so she just glared upward.

"Hey, where you going?" He asked.

"To the kitchen." She replied.

"Oh, I can take you."

Ophie tugged - and he didn't release her all the way at first, but she did get free, straightening her thing sleeve.

"That's alright. I can find it myself." She scowled so mean, irritation in her tone.

"Awe, come on - you can take a minute to please a poor fella', can'tcha? Heard you tried to kill yourself yesterday, girly.  It really shook me up, I wanted to pay for a piece of ass before you got crazy." He reached to grab a handful of her rear but she moved back and smacked his hand away, just hurting her own against his material -- but she didn't show that.

"What the fuck?  Lay a hand on me again and see if I don't split your thick skull in two." 

He grew irritated at that, narrowing his eyes, "Last I checked whores don't get a choice. What is it, your pussy still sore from gettn' fucked by your brother?"

Ophelia's eyes widened, ringing with a deadliness that was right in his path. How dare he think that. How fucking dare he. Ralleigh was a saint for keeping his sister company in her darkest time, and they were turning it all around  into something so sickening. She clenched her jaw and slammed her fist right into his throat.

"You fucking cunt!" He choked but reached out and grabbed her by the waist, slinging her onto the floor like a rag doll.  Ophelia groaned, having landed funny and rolled a bit when she was thrown.

The guard kept a hand to his throat, "You're a godsdamn insane bitch. I don't stick my dick in crazy - even if it is for free."

Ralleigh was making his way for the room when he saw what was happening and, setting Eleanor down, he tackled the man into the wall, yelling in rage as his fist repeatedly flew into his face. If nobody stopped him, he was liable to kill the man.

Eleanor's eyes widened, hugging onto her colors and paper frozen.

The first thing Ophelia did was roll up and dart the short distance past Ralleigh and the guard, who was slumping against the wall, his face constantly slammed into. He had hands tight on Ralleigh's bicep but had delayed reaction  - that first hit got him good, so unexpected. Ophelia leaned down, cupping Eleanor's face and hurridly saying: "Shh - shh, it's okay. It's okay, stand right around this corner," She pushed her lightly around the wall so she at least wouldn't have to see any of this.

Whether or not she stayed, Ophelia couldn't control.

Ophie got up, Ralleigh must have hit him at least five times now, he broke the guards nose, knocked teeth out, blood meshing between rough knuckles and a messed up face.

"RALLEIGH," Ophelia shouted, like she was trying to get him out of the trance. 

"Ralleigh - Ralleigh stop it--" Ophie hooked fingers against the waist of his pants and tried tugging him back, begging her brother, "Ralleigh she's watching  -- stop it, she's watching."

He turned, a wild, enraged look about him. But seeing her face, and the way she looked at him...he clenched his jaw and looked down to the prone man. Releasing him, Ral flexed his hand, the knuckles cut on his teeth, "Im taking this fockin' pig t'susan's pussyboy. Needs ta get his damn people under control. "

Ophelia was panting slightly, lifting her fingers to push back her hair.

"Uh, yeah." She said obviously, "Are you okay?" She asked and then looked back at Eleanor, who had one eye peeking around the corner.

"Are you okay, sweetie?" Ophelia moved to Eleanor, running a hand over the top of her head. The guard slummped down. She said nothing, just stared at Ophelia llike a doe caught in tramlights.

"Let's go." She muttered, "Time to face more than one demon."

Whispered words, plaguing gossip which infected the staff’s ability to mind their own fucking business. It was all horrendous bullshit:

‘The youngest Gampre was as bad as the others, a whore, willing to fuck anyone without requesting pay.’

‘Ophelia and Ralleigh bedded eachother in secret, and not because they were in love but because they liked it.’

‘The Gampre’s molest Ralleigh’s only child.’

‘Susan Gampre manipulates her siblings and forces them to fuck and fall in love to control them.’

The rumors had been circulating for some time since Ophie's initial arrival. Now with the entire Gampre family mingling in the same Manor, it was no surprise to the Madam how the rumors now included all four of her siblings-- she was quite aware how the servants talked and gossiped about them behind all of their backs.

It was only appropriate.

The world would always make jokes at the expense of those who were raised differently, and it just so happened it was the Gampres this time around.

She was only surprised by how swiftly Gwynepaine singled out the people who had been the most callous and offensive. It was said gentleman who was found not minutes later calling for all the servants as well as the family to come to the main hall, thinking to resolve this problem once and for all.

The look on Susan's face is what hurt Ophelia most in all of this. Or so that was the Madam’s plan, she knew her sister well enough to determine which buttons functioned better in her favor to win arguments or fights against her kin. But still... She could feel Ophelia's eyes on her, soft, sad. Pity where it was not due nor appreciated.

It only pissed Susan off even more.

"I'm sorry, Susan,” Opehie’s voice was heard, murmuring softly, “I... I know that's a shitty thing to say but there isn't much else I can." 

Susan was unamused. Stalwart. She bore no emotion, fearful that the slightest break would cause her to revert back into a sobbing mess. So Susan just stared forward, never looked at her family and especially refused to acknowledge Ophelia.

It's like she truly was dead to Susan -- thats exactly what Ophie wanted, wasn't it? That's exactly what she was going to get.

Once most of the people were gathered, including the family, and the rumor spreaders, Gwyn had an appropriate number of stools brought out. Beneath them were nooses. The women began to sob, thinking this was their end.

Gwyn smiled and spoke up, "Ah good. You're all here. Now, can anyone tell me why it is that in my own home, ill is being spoken of my love's family? Of my family? These guests of mine are being harassed, both physically and verbally, and for what? For your amusement? For your entertainment. Well now, I think it is your turn to entertain them."

Ophelia muttered soft - not to draw attention, she knew she could at least hear her.  "I didn't mean to hurt anyone, I just needed it to stop."  She ended it there, not wanting to fully detract from Gwynepaine's purpose here.

As the guards brought the offenders forward, they were put on the stools, nooses around their necks, "Well, you all seem so knowledgeable about the art of whoring and dancing. Why don't you dance for us then? Give us a show! Make sure not to slip!"  He had a look of carefully contained rage about him.

The guilty persons were all shocked and begging for forgiveness. Gwyn rolled his eyes, and walked over to the stools, raising his leg, "I better see some dancing, or I’m going to start kicking."

Ralleigh looked uncomfortable and moved to take Eleanor back to the room so she didn't have to see this.Ophelia looked up at what was happening -- holy fuck, who was this man. A blond brow rose, lips parting. What the fuck? She frowned slow.

Ophelia inhaled sharply, she was conflicted and this was such a strange time for this family. They disrespected them -- so they deserved to be humiliated. But to die? That was questionable. "I want an apology." She said. "And I want to believe it."

The different people began to apologize, and also dancing. Gwyn grinned  and looked to the guard who's nose was broken. He apologized as well.

"Mm...what do you think, Gampres?" Lord LaCrux mused, clearly amused by the going ons.

Ophelia's nose scrunched in slight disgust. "I've no doubt he would have raped me if he'd gotten the chance. His verbal attacks alone were disgusting and brutal." She glared, "Cut out his tongue."

The guard begged for forgiveness, but Gwyn was now in no mood for games.

"Someone get him down. Take him outside, and do as she has asked. Make sure he doesn't pass out. I'll be out to deal with him shortly. He looked to the others, all women.

Ophelia inhaled sharply, arms still crossed. She had this severe frown on her face, turning and moving out of the main hallway to return to the room in which she stayed.

Walking past them each, who were now all dancing carefully, so as not to fall, and sobbing, Gwyn mused out, "Now then, if I hear any more of these rumors in my home? I'll make sure the last thing any of you remembers is being used as a fucktoy, and that you're remembered for how many cocks were in you. Am i clear?"

The women all nodded through tears, and he had them letdown and sent away. He came to Susan with a clenched jaw, "Bring Anthrel outside. She could use some sport."

The Madam's calling to Anthrel would be met with a startling, fierce roar. The tigress unfurled from her state of rest, fur bristling whilst claws unsheathed from her fluffy paws, slowly stretching out each leg whilst approaching the woman's extended palm. True to any feline the beast would rub her cheek and chin against Susan's hand, nuzzling her fingers with a throaty gurgle to acknowledge her.

Next, Susan leers toward Gwynepaine. Still her mask had yet to waver.

Gwyn motioned for them to follow, going outside, and whispering to Susan, " Do what you want to him, but leave him alive for Anthrel to play with."

The Madam's fingers fiddled and toyed with the grip of her hunting knife, tugging the steel blade from it's sheath along her hip simply to marvel it's beauty in the glittering of the snow and sunlight.

A cruel smile had coiled its way across her lips in this moment, unforgiving eyes lowering to inspect her sister's attacker -- and the fear in the guard's eyes was just the cherry upon her fucked up sundae.

"The safe word is 'Mercy'," she teases the man, her tone harsh and venomous, "Just say it when things get *too* rough for you."

Muffled cries and mumbled begs for “Murphy! Murphy!” was heard, the man nearly choking on his words as he sobbed so blatantly at the woman’s feet.

With that the Madam would begin to cut and shred the man's clothes from his body -- Shirt, pants, underwear -- and threw it all to the ground, marveling his nude form against the cold snowy grounds just a moment longer, aiming to make the man feel as small as possible.

“Get up,” she commands, the bark met with a swift reaction as the man struggled to scrape his sorry self from off the cold grounds, hunching over immediately to cover himself up, as well as warm himself as the cold nipped and bit into his bare flesh.

Slowly the Madam walked around him, getting a view of the guardsman at every angle, her twisted smile only darkening as she stopped behind him.

WIthout warning the Madam slashed her knife into his exposed back causing the man to jerk backward and upright with a cry. Blood would begin to dribble down his arm and drip into the snow. He’d fall to his hands and knees, flinching at the pain of the snow nipping at his skin -- but the pain of Susan’s knife carving into his back was even more horrendous.

She made it a point to carve the words “PIG” so deep she nearly cut to the bone.

With that the Madam would point North with her knife, not even giving the gentleman a moment to breathe before her icy tone would mingle in the air, breathing out a single command: “Run.”

And off he went, barreling toward the distant tree lines as the flight motion overcame him. He had no will to fight, no strength to do anything but run for his life.

It was just as the man reached the tree line that Susan leered down toward the tigress. Her bright golden eyes had yet to remove from the retreating figure. THe moment the beast licked her chops had the Madam thrust her hand outward and in the direction of the man, her final command resonating in the air: “Kill.”

And off was Anthrel, a vicious roar ripping through the beast's throat as she rushed across the open plain like a bullet.

It took only mere moments before the tigress pounced forth and raked her claws down the exposed back of her prey. A howl of pain and fear lifted into the air, and it seemed to be music to the Madam’s ears as she’d give forth a bought of maniacal laughter, clapping her hands together before gathering her dress skirts in her palms and beginning to cross the open plains to approach the scene.

The man hadn’t even made it to the trees to hide from the world his brutal death, the tigress was much too fast and the surrounding environment had significantly slowed the man down. He didn’t even have a chance, and the morbid thing was... He was thankful for the cold of the snow. The tigress had proven so heavy that she partially buried him into the soft frozen waters and it effectively numbed a good portion of his nerves, thus he did not feel a significant amount of pain as fangs tore into the flesh of his shoulder.

With a smug Susan leering on Anthrel ate in semi-peace, the haunting howls and cries of the man had yet to stifle. Not until the tigress clamped down on the man’s neck and bit so hard he’d begin to choke on, both, his own blood and the crushed windpipe.

#The Gampres #Susan's a psycho #Have yet to proof read #Wrote it as quickly as I could #whoops #One day I'll give you quality writes #But today is not that day

[adoringcalliopeandgamzee]

HEY

NOW THAT I HAVE YOuR ATTENTION. LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

*BWAH BWAH BWAH BWAAAAHHHH*

NAH NOT REALLY.

I WANNA MAKE A CANON CALL POST. I WANT TO FIND GAMZEE, CALLIOPE, AND THE FELT MEMBERS, AND REALLY ANYBODY.. IM JuST AFRAID APPROACHING Y’ALL WOuLD SCARE Y’ALL.

THIS CALIBORN WASN’T THAT BAD I PROMISE, SO I HOPE YOuRS WASN’T TOO.

LONG BELOW. I GOT CARRIED AWAY LMAO. (TW: MENTIONS OF BLOOD, GORE, INTENSE INJuRY AND DEATH.

CALLIE AND I LOOKED LIKE EXACTLY HOW I DRAW uS. I’LL SEND PICS AS NEEDED BuT IM LAZY. I STILL KILLED HER. 

WE SENT EACHOTHER NOTES VIA OuR SYLLABuS. PLAYED CHESS. LIKE IN CANON.

I HAD A SILLY CONVO WITH NOIR. HIM GIVING ME THE SICKEST BuRN.

“So describe this sister.” “uGH OKAY. IMAGINE ME. BuT GREEN.” “You’re already green, bub.” “OKAY THEN AN uGLY GROSS GREEN.” “Still you.”

GAMZEE POPPED IN AND OuT WHEN WE WERE GROWING uP, BuT I NEVER KNEW HIM BEFORE I DOMINATED. HE JuST LEFT THINGS AND BOLTED.

I REMEMBER JEERING DIRK AND OuR LITTLE PORNO FEST. BuT WE NEVER QuITE CLICKED. HE WAS THE ONLY KID I REALLY LIKED THO, SO MuCH IT WAS A RED BLACK MESS.

HE SENT ME THE PARTS TO MY LEG AND HELPED ME PuT IT TOGETHER. HE KNEW THAT CALLIOPE WAS A GONER NO MATTER WHAT HE SAID SO MAY AS WELL.

TuRNS OuT IM NOT A VERY GOOD BITE. THE LEG CAME OFF! BLOOD DIDN’T STOP. I WAS RuNNING ON ADRENALINE AND SPITE AS I JAMMED IT ON AND ENTERED. IT HuRT LIKE THE WORST BITCH YOu COuLD IMAGINE.

I STuFFED CALLIOPE’S ART AROuND IT WHILE I WALKED, AND WALKED, AND WALKED. AS I APPROACHED THE TOWER AND GAMZEE, EVERYTHING WAS FuZZY. I BLINKED HARD AND FOCuSED THO. WASN’T LETTING NO BLOODLOSS GET ME DOWN!

GAMZEE SCARED THE SHIT OuT OF ME LMAO. I DIDN’T SHOOT HIM BuT MAN DID I BOOK IT. GAMZEE FOLLOWED AFTER ME, MAINLY BCAuSE HE WAS CONCERNED ABOuT THE SEMI-STEADY TRAIL OF BLOOD.

MY FIRST CONVO WITH HuSSIE IS ONE I CAN BARELY REMEMBER. I TOLD HIM TO BE QuIET, HE CALLED ME IRRATIONAL FOR BITING MY LEG OFF, THEN QuIETED DOWN BCAuSE HE WONDERED IF I WAS EVEN OKAY.

I DON’T REMEMBER MY RESPONSE, I PASSED OuT. I WOKE uP THO, SO DW. I WAS IN A WEIRD LITTLE SPOT, AND WHEN I LOOKED DOWN, MY LEG WAS BANDAGED WITH PuRPLE FABRIC. 

GAMZEE SAVED ME, AND FED ME TOO. SOME MEAT AND SPECIAL STARDuST, CAN FIX ANY LEG ISSuES. I DRANK ONE OF HIS POTIONS TOO. I THINK THE ONE OF ERIDAN’S BLOOD. TOLD HIM IT WAS REALLY SALTY WATER AND IT WAS GROSS.

I FOuND THE CROWBAR JuJu THERE, AND THE KEYS I NEEDED TO CHANGE MY TEXT COLOuR.

IM uNSuRE WHEN I GOD TIERED, BuT I REMEMBER BEING REALLY NONCHALANT OVER IT. GAMZEE WAS WORRIED FOR ME, BuT I JuST GuNNED MYSELF IN THE STOMACH AND GOT IT OVER WITH. 

THE FELT MEMBERS DIDN’T EXACTLY TRuST ME AT FIRST. SOME DID! ITCHY AND DOZE HAD NO GRIPES AGAINST ME (I KICKED ITCHY WHERE THE CHARMS DON’T SHINE BCAuSE HE WOuLDN’T STOP TO LET ME LOOK AT HIM.) , CLOVER LIKED ME AND TRACE AND FIN WERE NEuTRAL. DIE WAS SILLY AND MOSTLY JuST KEPT QuIET. CROWBAR WAS ANNOYED I DIDN’T GET THE POINT ABOuT GIVING HIM THE CROWBAR JuJu. 

STITCH WAS AWESOME. HE WAS LIKE A SOuTHERN GRANDPA. I REMEMBER HE MADE THE EFFIGY JuJu OF ME AND REASSuRED ME THAT GETTING MY MEASuREMENTS  WASN’T A TRAP. I SQuARED uP TO FIGHT AND HE JuST TAPPED MY HEAD AND TOLD ME TO LET THOSE GuNS DOWN.

I HONESTLY DON’T KNOW WHAT SAWBuCK WAS TO ME, HE WAS JuST? KINDA THERE. TuBBY, NICE. EH. MATCHSTICKS TOO. FIRE’S COOL THO! I LIKED LOOKING AT THEM.

EGGS AND BISCuITS. MAN THOSE GuYS. THEY ANNOYED ME SO MuCH. BuT I GOT uSED TO THAT. BISCuITS KILLED ME, BuT I CAME BACK DuE TO BEIN A FRESH GOD TIER AT THE TIME. HE SMASHED ME WITH THE OVEN TO PROTECT HIMSELF AND EGGS WHEN I STARTED WHACKING THEM FOR COVERING ME WITH DOuBLES.

I GAINED SOME RESPECT FOR HIM AT THAT.

QuARTERS AND CANS! LOVE THOSE DuDES! CANS WAS ONE OF MY CLOSEST FRIENDS. HE WASN’T AS BIG AS IN THE COMIC, BuT HE WAS PRETTY BIG. I COuLD SIT AND SLEEP ON HIS SHOuLDER WITHOuT MuCH ISSuE.

I ASKED CANS TO SHOW ME WHAT HE COuLD DO, HE PuNCHED ME INTO NEXT WEEK. I TIME-TRAVELED BACK, AND STuMBLED OVER TO HIM, HOLDING MY SIDES AND WENT. “YOu. I LIKE YOu.” THEN LAID ON THE GROuND uNTIL I COuLD BREATHE AGAIN.

I HAD A GAME OVER TIMELINE. I REMEMBERED FIGHTING JOHN AND HE WAS IN FOR BLOOD. MOST I CAN REMEMBER FROM IT HIS HIM SLAMMING MY FACE INTO MY TABLET AND TEARING MY CAPE uP.

GAMZEE CAME CRAWLING BACK, SAWED IN TWO. I IMMEDIATELY PANICKED. I CARED FOR HIM, IN A WAY. I WAS ALREADY IN SHOCK OVER JOHN AND THIS DIDN’T HELP. I SCRAMBLED TO TRY AND SAVE HIM. I PLOPPED TOWELS AROuND HIM, AND TOOK A SET OF NEEDLES FROM STITCH AND TRIED TO SEW HIM uP.

IT DIDN’T WORK, AS uSING THREAD TO SEW uP A MAN WOuLD. I HAD SLIPPED IN HIS BLOOD AND FELL DOWN, AND IT MIXED WEIRDLY WITH MY RED TEARS.

THEN I WOKE uP. RETCON? TIMELINE SPLIT? DREAM? I DIDN’T KNOW. I MARCHED RIGHT TO GAMZEE, AND SAW HIM. ALIVE. WHOLE. I HuGGED HIM AND HE ROCKED ME uNTIL I FELT BETTER.

I DON’T REMEMBER MuCH ELSE, SO THEN I WENT TO FIGHT YALDABAOTH. I. uH. LOST HORRIBLY.

THE FIGHT STARTED WITH ME WHACKING HIM WITH THE CROWBAR AND STEADILY CLIMBING HIM. HE LIGHT-BLASTED ME INTO THE WALL AND MY CROWBAR STuCK ITSELF RIGHT NEAR MY NECK. I GRABBED IT WHILE HOLDING ONTO THE WALL, TOOTH AND NAIL WITH MY CLAWS.

FuCKER BuRNED ME! IMPuLSIVELY, I THREW IT TO THE GROUND AND IT STuCK uP, POINTED. I HAD TO LET GO AND FALL. I THINK I COuLD FLY, BuT I DIDN’T. IT WAS LIKE FALLING IN A MOVIE. SLOW AND THEN ABRuPT.

I FELL ON THE CROWBAR, AND IT WENT ALL THE WAY THROuGH ME. IT WAS STuPID.

I HAD DIED AND IT WAS NOBODIES FAuLT BuT MY OWN. I WOKE uP WHO KNOWS WHERE AND ARADIA WAS THERE TO GREET ME. SO WAS A DIRK.

“MY” DIRK DIED IN GAME OVER. I NEVER SAW HIM AGAIN. THIS ONE WAS NICER THO. WE GOT TOGETHER IN A BLACK/RED RELATIONSHIP, WHICH WAS MOSTLY ME JuST BEING WEIRD OVER CHERuB ROMANCE.

THINGS WERE NICE IN THE DREAMBuBBLES, ESPECIALLY WITH NO LORD ENGLISH. I NEVER SAW OF HIM.

I DON’T KNOW IF HE EXISTED AT ALL. I DIDN’T MIND THO. I WAS HAPPIER AS A GHOST.

I MET A KANAYA WHO FIXED MY CAPE, AND LAuGHED ABOuT TIME SHIT WITH A JOHN.

I MET KANKRIS WHO TAuGHT ME STuFF ABOuT BEIN A BETTER PERSON. SOME DID. SOME WERE ANNOYING.

DIRK AND I WERE HAPPY TOGETHER. GOING ON ADVENTuRES, HAVING FuN, NO MORE GAME. NO MORE WORRIES. NO MORE EVIL.

I WAS NEW. I WAS SINLESS. I WAS FORGIVEN. AND I WAS LOVED.

HEHEHE, THAT WENT ALL RAMBLY. THERE MAY BE SOME STuFF I FORGOT, BuT I HOPE I CAN TALK TO YOu ALL.

#Calliope Kin #Gamzee Kin #Caliborn Kin #Gamzee Makara kin #Dirk Strider Kin #Felt Kin #Itchy Kin #Doze Kin #Trace Kin #Clover Kin #Fin Kin #Die Kin #Crowbar Kin #Stitch Kin #Sawbuck Kin #Matchsticks Kin #Eggs Kin #Biscuit Kin #Quarters Kin #Cans Kin #Hs Canon call

[then-die-like-one]

Questions Tag

tagged by my fellow jin stan @katbeom (thank you for shortening it to 50 questions I don't think I could answer 100+)

1| how old were you when you had your first kiss? haven't had it yet bruh I'm just 15 2| What made you decide to have a tumblr blog? I wanted to be able to reblog and like posts instead of bookmarkin my fav gif sets on chrome 3| Been depressed: I don't think so? 4| how many people have you fist fought? none 👼🏽 5| do you want to have kids? how many? ayy chill lmao. maybe I would want to, so I think 2 6| Do you want to change your name: no thx, I like my name :) 7| Right or left handed: thats right my type 8| do you have piercings? how many? one on each ear 9| who was the last person you cried in front of? my sister probably 10| do you believe in soulmates? hmm maybe? I mean everyone will find someone who they click automatically with so I think yes  11| Zodiac sign: aries da sheep 12| Do you have a dream job? uhh something related to displaying taekwondo  13| A crush: right now I'm convincing myself not to crush on any guy who treats me remotely nicely and it's working so no crush :) park jinyoung still exists tho 14| What do you like about yourself: yike um idk I think I'm funny sometimes? and I guess I'm caring to some extent...? 15| Right now eating: nothin 16| who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? my sister while going on walks but idk if it counts as a conversation bc either she didn't have much to say or I didn't let her speak oops 17| Height: around 5′3″... I'm waiting to grow more pls 18| what is/are/were your best subject(s)? im getting better at physics and math I think, yeah that's all 19| Met someone who changed you: aint nobody gon change me 😤 20| do you like someone: anyone I reblog a gif set of + my friends n fam obviously

21| I’m about to:

practice my topic presentation for my French orals tomorrow

22| do you believe everything happens for a reason? If bad shit happens, you dun goofd. If good shit happens, you dun good. That's all. 23| Sports I joined: taekwondo, badminton. That's it, although badminton is more of a hobby 24| what’s irritating you right now? my need to draw but idk what to draw and I'm scared of messing up 25| do you give out second chances too easily? to my family, yes. To others, no. 26| What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: i wish i had started gymnastics at a young age bc now I'm too old to start 27| are you mean? If you're a bitch to me or my friends, then yes 28| Cried when someone died: usually the initial shock is too much but I cry later. If it's about movies, yes as well 29| Blood type: A+be 30| If you could meet ANY Korean CELEBRITY (Includes Actors, Models, K-Music artists, etc.), who would it be? got7 bc I'm trash and they seem so friendly I wanna die 31| Birthday: it was like 2 weeks ago, April 9th 32| Been drunk and thrown up: nO 33| are you scared of spiders? not really, they don't anything. But if they're big or hairy or both, I'm Out™ 34| What would you like to achieve (or experience) before the age of 60? dancing in a group

35| What do you wish for the most to happen? Get 80%+ in all my exams this time but idk if that's possible rip 36| is cheating ever okay? i hate it during tests/exams and cheating in relationships makes 0 sense. Either love your partner and stay loyal or break up.  37| Do you have any pets: No :( 38| When did you get into kpop and how? According to my archive, it's March/April 2016. I watched dope by bts, I saw Jin, BAM, I evolved into kpop trash 39| Favorite animal? Cats are amazing but orcas....just wow..... 40| Love at first sight: Mark Tuan. 41| how do you want to die? peaceful and content 42| Lips or eyes: Eyes  43| Hair length: long? It reaches mid back 44| would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Heck yeah. I'd want to see what stuff was like before. 45| who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? my dad 46| how exactly are you feeling at the moment? pretty chill. Which I shouldn't be bc I have an exam tomorrow  47| Laughed until you cry: YESSSS  48| favourite food? currently it's mark meal but it might change soon 49| when was your last physical fight? Like last year October or smth :( but I won a bronze medal for it yay 50| Do you believe in yourself: hells yeah. Not always, but I do right now.

I tag @justwhatevermark @jiyongdotcum @textingniall @parkjinyoungsbooty @hobmew to do it, if you want to ofc <3

#this was nice #but maybe I wasn't appropriately aged for some questions oops #fighting reminds me I miss taekwondo #my fuckin knee had to get injured :) its bitch ass #hopefully I'm still as flexible idk

[infolibrary]

I Had 6 Months of Therapy, and Now I’m Ready to Tell You How People Slowly Go Crazy

New Post has been published on http://www.infolibrary.net/i-had-6-months-of-therapy-and-now-im-ready-to-tell-you-how-people-slowly-go-crazy/

I Had 6 Months of Therapy, and Now I’m Ready to Tell You How People Slowly Go Crazy

Hello, my name is Katya, and today I will tell you about my experience of visiting a psychotherapist. Spoiler alert: I did not hear any mysterious voices in my head and I didn’t think there was some kind of a world conspiracy. It’s just that at a certain time in my life, I couldn’t figure out the point of living or find pleasure in my life anymore and I couldn’t navigate through these feelings on my own.

I will share my psychotherapy adventures with Bright Side readers and I hope that my story will help someone to find peace with themselves. Or at least this story can help you take your first steps toward a normal life.

How I ended up going to a psychotherapist

This is what I looked like before I was sad all the time.

In 2012, at the age of 28, I became a widow. Nothing could have predicted what happened. We were a regular family raising a boy and I was pregnant with my second child. But in just several days, my life changed completely: my young husband got ill and died in just one week. So, there I was, 9 months pregnant and alone with a 3-year-old child.

Nothing changed around me: the sun was still there, the birds were still singing, and people went to work. I didn’t think I would be depressed — just because I had to be strong.

Of course, I was in mourning, I was shocked: how could something like this even happen to me? But now, 7 years later, I realize that I was sort of in a spacesuit: all the feelings I was having were kind of blunt because I wouldn’t let myself relax. I closed my heart to pain, I learned not to cry, and, as I found out later, I shouldn’t have.

This was me when I was depressed. Where are my cheeks?

Depression caught up with me when I thought I had already overcome my loss. I lost 45 pounds in one year — I just didn’t want to eat. And once, I thought that I had cancer or some other terminal disease. I became obsessed: I started looking for the “suitable” symptoms online, I went to doctors, but they couldn’t find any diseases. I was absolutely sure that I had something terrible and that I would die any day, so I took my temperature like 5 times a day, I looked for rashes or other spots on my skin, I even constantly checked my lymph nodes.

Once I felt like my heart was beating so fast that it was going to break my ribs. I was sweating, my hands were shaking, and I wanted to run somewhere. I thought something terrible was about to happen and I did not realize that this was my first panic attack.

My body kept screaming, “I’m hurt,” and I was breaking apart, but I didn’t want to acknowledge it and I thought it all would go away. And it was only when my clothes became several sizes bigger and I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning that I realized I needed a shrink.

I started searching for a good doctor online. Actually, psychotherapists are very expensive, but at a local hospital there was a specialist I could visit for free. Anyway, I had nothing to lose, so I decided to go and this was the start of my path to healing.

I visited the specialist for several months. Together, we found out that I had a reactive depression. This is a kind of depression, but it’s different from others. Usually depression is based on something that a person had in childhood, and this disorder is the brain’s response to a traumatizing experience.

I hoped that the doctor would just prescribe some antidepressants and let me go, but this is not how therapy works. In order to get rid of depression, you need to work on it.

This is what I realized after 6 months of therapy:

1. Realize that you’ll need more than pills to help you.

There is no such thing as a magic pill. There just isn’t. There is no pill that can make you happy. My therapist compared antidepressants with crutches. When a person breaks a leg, they have a bandage and crutches in order to be able to move. But this is a temporary solution: sooner or later they will have to ditch the crutches and learn to walk again.

The same goes for pills: they can remove the symptoms (like anxiety and fear), they can help you get through the darkest days, but they won’t heal you. Without the right therapy, you can take pills for years. Seriously, I have met people who are like foodies, they know all the different types of antidepressants. In order to get rid of depression, you need to do a lot of work.

2. Sometimes it hurts.

During my first sessions, I realized that I didn’t want to live. I didn’t have any plans for more than a couple of days. Why? We all will die one way or another… I didn’t see the point of doing a renovation or go to a hairstylist. Even taking a shower didn’t seem like a necessary procedure.

I had to learn to want to live. I had to. My therapist and I made lists of plans, I drew what I planned to do in the future. And also, I had to learn to control my negative thoughts. This can be really hard and really painful.

3. Only trust someone who is a medical expert.

It is best to trust a medical specialist who has a special education — a doctor can help you find the reasons for your problems and recommend the right treatment. Depression is a multi-faceted beast: sometimes it’s the hormones, sometimes the brain lacks serotonin, and sometimes, it’s about traumatizing experiences. A doctor can get to the bottom of it and find the best approach.

And most importantly — when someone has panic attacks or depression, they need to have a full medical examination like with an ECG, a neurologist and an endocrinologist, and they need to have their lungs checked. It is amazing how some diseases can pretend to be depression. So, while you are wasting time on the therapy, your health may be getting even worse.

4. People around you won’t get it.

Most people around me thought that all of my suffering was caused by the fact that I had nothing to do. Only lazy people have depression. “Drink some mint tea, get some good sleep, buy some new shoes and your depression will go away,” everyone around me said.

I’m glad I didn’t listen to them. Nothing made me happy and I was afraid of getting out of bed in the morning, I had panic attacks — and all of this was caused by laziness? And then I realized something, in order to admit that you are weak, you have to be brave. And in order to start treatment, you need to be 100 times braver. Don’t listen to anyone. And don’t follow their advice.

5. Recovery can be extremely slow.

Some of the recommendations from your doctor can seem completely silly. A psychotherapist might recommend that you start a diary, make a plan 3 years in advance, or draw a picture. I thought, “How is this supposed to help? Give me some pills and I’ll just go home.”

The thing is, all of these things really work, you just don’t notice it. The next morning, or a week later, I didn’t feel better. I didn’t understand that I was doing better until months later. I think that even the specialist didn’t know if it was going to work or not.

6. Setbacks are a part of the treatment.

Sometimes, it gets worse. “How can this be? I do visit the doctor, I do follow the recommendations, and I still don’t feel like laughing…” It’s okay to have setbacks. It is totally normal. You can’t do something big in just several days. You have to be patient and persistent.

7. A specialist won’t think you are insane.

People are often scared of visiting psychotherapists because they think it makes them “crazy” or something like that. Well, it doesn’t. It only makes them strong enough to realize that they have a problem and are willing to solve it.

8. It may be unpleasant to find out who you really are as a person.

Psychotherapy is your chance to get to know yourself better, but you might not like what you find out. I realized that my depression was based on anger and aggression. I was angry with my husband who died and left me alone with my children. I was angry with women who had husbands and children who had fathers. I was definitely the most unhappy woman in the world and I thought nobody could understand me.

9. Depression can come back. And it most likely will.

Just like drug and alcohol addiction, depression can return. Psychotherapists are not wizards, they can’t make you a totally different person, but they can give you the tools and the skills to overcome these situations.

There is no way you can become a superhuman who is never sad and doesn’t have any psychological problems. But you can learn to live in peace with yourself, deal with your problems, and explain certain things to yourself if you have to.

10. A sense of humor helps sometimes.

You should not “worship” your depression. Yes, it is a disease and it has to be treated. Don’t let it conquer your life. When you have a cold, you don’t pay much attention to it. When you have a problem, you need to solve it — that’s it. Don’t get desperate.

My sense of humor helped me tremendously. Sometimes I thought I was losing my mind. But I kept thinking, “Okay, I’m going to a mental hospital, at least I won’t have to do any cleaning, laundry, or other things.” Sometimes sarcasm is really healthy.

The conclusion

I visited a psychotherapist 6 years ago and I regret nothing. His recommendations helped me get out of a very difficult place and now I know how to avoid desperation. My experience was very positive, so when someone I know has signs of depression, anxiety, and other problems, I recommend that they see a specialist.

It is amazing how many people try to ignore these problems just because they think they might seem “crazy” to others. And some people are scared of psychotherapists and think that they’re going to put them into a hospital and inject them with tranquilizers or something like that.

Don’t be afraid of asking for help!

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#Inspiration. Creativity. Wonder. #Psychology

[trendingnewsb]

Artie Lange Is Not Ready to Die: F*ck Em All

Its hard being friends with the notoriously demon-plagued comedian Artie Langewhich, full disclosure, I am. This is in no way objective. I truly want the guy to live.

I first interviewed Lange in 2006 as part of the New York Posts coverage of the annual New York Comedy Festival. He had just sold out Carnegie Hall in a few hours and was on top of the world. Over the next few years, we met at comedy clubs from time to time. I mentioned how healthy he looked in a May 2009 Page Six item about his visiting Colin Quinns one-man show (which he mentioned in his book Crash and Burn). When I interviewed him again on Oct. 30, 2009, it was a longer talk this time, with a few insights that surprised me. He talked about the game comics play of initially sabotaging a set with the audience, then seeing if you can dig yourself out of that hole. I asked if he had ever thought that he might be playing the same game with his own life. You should be a shrink, he said.

Sixty-nine days later, I heard the news, like anyone else who follows Lange: that he was near death after stabbing himself in the stomach nine times with a 13-inch kitchen knife.

Then on Sept. 27, 2010, I got a call from comedian Dan Naturman, who told me all about Arties triumphant return at the Comedy Cellar, which led to an incredibly feel-good lead item in Page Six called: Artie Lange Thrills Audiences Again.

I interviewed him several more times over the years, and when my husband Pat Dixon, who is also a comedian, started his own show in 2015 at Compound Media, run by controversial radio legend Anthony Cumia, I told Artie that he ought to consider joining the network. To my surpriseand unrelated to me telling him that, as the pairing of two Sirius refugees is a no-brainer for anyone who follows shock-jock radioin August 2017, he started a new show with Cumia called The AA Show. Now, not only did Lange have a regular broadcasting outlet, but the HBO series Judd Apatow and Pete Holmes enlisted him in called Crashing, where he played himself, was a bona fide hit. His third book, Wanna Bet?, was inked, his standup was doing well, and so if you were doing any kind of predictive sequence, what happened next was no surprise.

Oct. 16, 2017: Artie Lange rushed to hospital, cancels weekend show. Dec. 13, 2017: Artie Lange Arrested After Missing Court Date for Drug Charges. Dec. 15, 2017: Artie Lange Headed to Rehab on Private Jet After Drug Charge.

Less than a month later, on Jan. 12, Lange returned home to New York and tweeted out to his 364,000 followers: Im back guys. Clean & Sober 32 days.

On Jan. 18, after celebrating Dave Attells birthday (Artie just turned 50 himself), Lange met me in between sets at New York Citys Olive Tree Cafe. To avoid the requests for photos from fans and occasional paparazzi, we sat in his SUV and drove around the city for an hour and a half before returning to the comedy club. With one hand on the steering wheel and one on an unlit Marlboro Red, Lange talked about everything from Harvey Weinstein to Donald Trump to Louis C.K. to Aziz Ansari to the fundamental question at hand:

Artie Lange doesnt want to die… right?

The following interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.

Mandy: So I guess Im wondering at what point all of this is enough to get you to stop. Like, for instance, I have a friend who if he did cocaine one more time, the doctors told him his nose would collapse

Artie: Well half of my nose is gone. My nose has no septum. I mean Ive been snorting coke and heroin

Mandy: When was the last time you did coke or heroin?

Artie: Well I just pissed clean at Hazelden so thats 38 days. But heres the thing: 31 of them were in lockdown. So nows the real work. And Im not going to lie to you, its a struggle lying there every night.

Mandy: Whats the longest youve ever been clean?

Artie: Since I was 15, 11 months. And two weeks in my twenties.

Mandy: Do you take, what is it, methadone?

Artie: No, no. I was on methadone years ago. There was a methadone clinic on Eighth and 35th, and I would go there before Howard. They would give it out to me, like special, at 5:30 a.m. I had to stop doing heroin because I was losing my job. They gave me the methadone. Its fucking heroin, basically. I left during interviews to throw up. And I said, Well this is worse than fucking heroin, so why dont I stay on that. I take Suboxone now. Suboxone works well for me, and its accepted by society. It looks like a pill you take for blood pressure every morning, so thats how Ive got to look at it. It lets you not go cold turkey.

Aziz Im sorry is a better name. I dont have any respect for Aziz Ansari. Im glad nobody got raped.

Artie Lange

Mandy: You detoxed cold turkey in jail this last time?

Artie: Ive been in jail like eight times, and this past time, I detoxed. I kicked heroin, like lying on the floor. When I got arraigned, you always want to be very respectful in front of the judge. She was like, What are you doing? And Im thinking to myself, Well, your honor, Im dead. And you know, Im trying to stand up. Withdrawal, the physical stuff, people would see the first or the second day of withdrawals, girlfriends would say, Well, that was really bad. And Im like, You saw the opening act. That was The Clash. That was David Johansen. The Who is about to take the stage. The third or fourth day of heroin withdrawal, if youre a big user like I became, if youre not physically stopped from getting dope, youll get it. With heroin, I became an addict on the road. I always had money. Ive never had to steal. I dont judge those people. Like people say to me, Have you ever blown a guy for heroin? I say, No. But then again, no ones ever asked.

Mandy: If you do fall off the wagon again, are you scared of fentanyl at all?

Artie: No. A real heroin addict is not scared of fentanyl. Id do it in a heartbeat. I want strong shit.

Mandy: Have you seen the tiny amount it takes to kill you?

Artie: I dont know what it is, but draw it back one inch. I would accept fentanyl in a heartbeat. I had a fentanyl patch on in a mental home. It was unbelievable. Ive never ODed. Ive had dealers say, Jesus Christ. What the fuck. But the nose is bad now. I could get a brain infection. If I did it, anything would go right to the brain. But again, I heard that six months ago, and I went and used an hour after.

Mandy: So I mean… you must want to die.

Artie: No, I dont want to die. I want to be high.

Mandy: But that will eventually kill you.

Artie: Im 50. If you would have told me in 1995, if you tried to bring up 2018, it would be like The Jetsons. Id be like, What are you talking about?

Mandy: So youre having fun on borrowed time.

Artie: Im playing with the houses money. As far as Im concerned, Im an overachiever. A lot of money changed hands on the internet when I turned 50. I was so happy. Fuck em all.

Mandy: But I mean… your mom and your sister. Theyre the main people who keep you from wanting to to be reckless with the houses money, right?

Artie: Yes thats the… thats the worst.

Mandy: I called your mom when you were practically in a coma these last few weeks, and her voice was just so heartbroken. I dont think she thought you were going to make it.

Artie: Yeah, you know, my father left us with nothing. I love my dad. He was my best friend. But my father was a criminal. My dad was an impulsive guy, and thats what killed him. Just like my father, with me, there are real high highs and real low lows. Like my mother saw me at Carnegie Hall, when my book went to No. 1 on The New York Times bestseller list, and I think [Barack] Obamas was like No. 7. She has that framed. But then shes also seen me withdrawing in jail.

Mandy: Your mom discovered you when you tried to kill yourself in 2010, right?

Artie: That was not a suicide attempt. I was in such bad withdrawals. Believe me, I leave a note. The one other time, I left a note. But shrinks go, Youve never tried to kill yourself. Because there was always a mountain of drugs involved. I was in such bad withdrawals, I wanted to feel something different. I was by myself. I wanted to lose enough blood to pass out. When I woke up, I dont know, I figured Id put on a red shirt and go out. I didnt know my mother was coming over. They had an intervention planned that I didnt even know about. I go, Ma, you never planned a surprise party.

Mandy: Does your mom talk to you every day?

Artie: Yeah, my mother knows me better than anybody, but I dont tell her when I slip. You know, when Dr. Drew offered me 250 grand to do Celebrity Rehab, I thought to myself, Do I just want to kill my mother now? Like its going to be me and Dennis Rodman throwing up in the same bucket. I love Dr. Drew, but I knew that show was going to go off the air because the recovery rate is like zero. If Pablo Escobar were alive today, hed be running a rehab. Its such a corrupt industry.

Mandy: You seem to still get offered drugs a lot. I think about that scene in Crashing where its the super hot woman from Showgirls who has coke and wants to do it with you.

Artie: Gina Gershon? Yeah, you know, that episode is based on one of my stories. And if the woman who inspired the episode figures it out, shed be very happy with the casting.

Mandy: Do you think it was a good idea to leave rehab early?

Artie: I have to do this intense outpatient thing which is five days a week. I go in there in the morning, and I get piss tests there. Screen Actors Guild doesnt let you do that to people. Like its almost an NFL union. You cant pee-test people. Not that Im complaining about it, but I dont get fired from shows because ultimately its a forgiving business for stuff like that. People always say its a forgiving business. And, its true. Robert Downey Jr. came back, and hes like the best actor ever. But for every one of him, theres like two thousand Jeff Conaways from Taxi living at a right angle and nobody cares and they die alone.

Mandy: Youre just working so much right now.

Artie: The one genre where I have some juice is the radio business, and you know Anthony Cumia, I love Anthony so much now. I never really met him before. Were both sort of outlaws. Without this podcasting technology you know we both would be out of a job now, probably. Its such a weird existence I have right now. Over on one side, Im doing this crazy podcast with Anthony on Compound Media that I love, and then Im on Crashing which is an HBO-produced show I love, but which could not be more the other way. Judd Apatow is another famous guy who saved my life. Like, what a great person. Ive got books and stand-up, and Im still making a lot of money doing it. If thats not going to go away, theres not much of an incentive to stay in rehab.

Mandy: And Im guessing, from what you said, you dont want to leave your mom with nothing. So what about a gig like the one with Anthony Cumia. Is that enabling or is that helping you stay clean?

Artie: Let me tell you something: I love doing it. Its almost like therapy. A lot of people dont understand a comics mind. People are like, Youre going to jump right into stand-up? Yeah, thats what I have to do. I cant stop doing it. And Anthonys show is like from 4 p.m. to 6 p.m. Its the most fun Ive ever had in my life. Even more fun than Howard. Because I was never uncensored on Howard. Its his show. Its Howard. So what was happening near the end when his life changed, he would meet somebody in the Hamptons, and we wouldnt know about it. Like me and Fred [Norris, the longest tenured Howard Stern staff member] wouldnt know about it. And then hed be friends with them, like somebody we bashed for 10 years. So Id say something about Richard Gere, and hed go, You got a problem with him? Id go, Havent we always had a problem with him? No, I had dinner with him. Well, can I get the memo? I dont give a shit. Ill put him on the fucking list. But I wouldnt not be able to make fun of Orlando Bloom. The show, I couldnt be on now. And he knew that.

Mandy: Anthony probably does a better Howard impression than Howard at this point.

Artie: Well the thing about Anthony is that hes the same guy off-air. But its not true for Howard. Howards a very fascinating guy. He must have an IQ north of 180. But the example I always use is that Hunter S. Thompson was a guy who destroyed like the wealthy and corporate America, and he walked the walk until the end of his life. He was a crazy maniac in Colorado and shot himself in the head. And Howard was like that for a while. He was making fun of all these people, and when he got a chancelike no one else has become an A-list person through the radiobut when he got a chance to be with those people, fans thought hes going to be like Hunter S. Thompson. Like you see them through the window eating, and hes going to bust through the window or moon them or something. And when he got the chance, like Jennifer Anistons wedding, he starts making out with Orlando Bloom.

Mandy: Metaphorically.

Artie: Right. And to me as a fan, its like, what the fuck have we been laughing at all this time? Me and my first girlfriend at the time Dana [Sironi], she was close with Beth [Ostrosky Stern]. And Beth is a sweetheart. I dont want to make it sound like Im bitter. I still love Howard.

Mandy: Who are the people from the Stern show you keep in touch with?

Artie: Well, theyre not allowed to call me. I swear to God, Ive had people tell me from the show they were worried they were talking to me. Look, Im a person whos impulsive, and I get very angry and I say things I shouldnt say. Its hurt me my whole life, and Im a junkie.

Mandy: You tweeted a few days ago, Look out Marci. Im talking to Howard without your permission, referring to his high-profile handler Marci Turk. Did you actually talk to Howard Stern?

Artie: No, I dont talk to Howard. We hate each others guts. He cant stand me for some reason, and Ive learned to hate him.

Mandy: Whats your reaction to Louis C.K.? And now everyones talking about the story that was written about Aziz Ansari.

Artie: Aziz Im sorry is a better name. I dont have any respect for Aziz Ansari. Im glad nobody got raped. But you know, I agree with Samantha Bee when she says it doesnt have to be rape to ruin somebodys life. Thats true. And what Louis did is despicable. That was a rumor for a long time. But if youre a couple of women at the Aspen Comedy Festival, youve got a lot going on, probably. And theres this comedian, who back then he wasnt famous, but hes always been respected, and they certainly knew him. And hes promising them shit supposedly, and its just because he wants to jerk off in front of them. Its just the creepiest thing ever. Louis was always overrated to me. He has like five jokes hes written that I like. But you know Ill go along with it, if it gets me spots. I just think hes overrated. To me, it was like the emperors new clothes came off. In the hotel room.

Mandy: Have you had any women approach you with any kind of Me Too moment, something they wanted to confront you about?

Artie: A girl? No. I mean, some people think Im a misogynist because of stuff on the Stern show. You know Ive never told anybody this, but this is how my family feels about sex predators: After I told my father about a high-school teacher hurting a girl I knew, the way my dad dealt with it was by waiting outside the teachers house, putting a bag over the guys head, and leaving him in a car for two days. My dad came back, disguised his voice, and he said, Stop fucking touching little girls. Im not condoning how he handled it, but thats just the truth. My father thought that was justified. You know, there are people who think Goodfellas is horrible. We think its a comedy. My momshe is the strongest woman in my lifeand she and my sister are my heroes. Any woman whos ever dated me will tell you, Im like, Are you sure? Can we get this in writing and an email from you? I think in Hollywood, its a case of these nerdy guys who dont know what to do with a woman, and they get a chance to do it, and they do something inappropriate. Like Ive never been a Casanova but Ive always been able to get a date. I think the more time you stay asexual in your adult life, you get creepier.

Mandy: Ive had several comics over the years tell me about their personal dislike for Aziz based on his standoffish behavior. Do you think theres any schadenfreude right now as he is coming under fire?

Artie: Im probably one of those guys. I thought he could follow me on Bitter. I dont like bashing of comedians in general. I hated the Dane Cook-bashing thing. And Dane goes on to make all that money, and that bitterness comes out. Then his brother steals millions of dollars from him. I wish Dane well. And you know, I think Aziz gets a lot of that bitterness, too. You know, his timing is perfect for comedy. But what he does at the Comedy Cellar is not going to endear him to anybody. What he does there, he sits in the corner like a young Dylan writing jokes, and he can do that at home. We get it. Youre a hard worker. But I guess were going to have to get over that, because a new generation of people is coming.

I think he was trying to figure out a way to get rid of me. I did the job for him, but I dont think he was rooting for it.

Artie Lange on Howard Stern

Mandy: Do you think that Crashing captures the changing culture in comedy at all?

Artie: Judd is so great at what he does, and so is Pete [Holmes]. The way Judd lets you improvise, and the money… see Ive never been involved in something that you might call a hit. Except the Stern show, but that was very different. Judd is so successful. The money HBO is spending. They shot it like a playyou dont have to do over-the-shoulder stuff. And the way that I talk and work, it was way better for me. Judd knew that. Like the scene in the pizzeria, Judd read my book, which was flattering, and he said, Just tell me stories about your life, about what can happen off-stage, so like the ghost of Christmas future. Comedy future. I think its great, because Judd lets us talk.

Mandy: I was relistening today to your very first Howard Stern appearance. And Stern is joking, saying, You need coke. Youre a lot better on it. He also says, Go out and get into more trouble, and well have you back on.

Artie: I know. But you cant blame anyone else for any of this. Howards genius is seeing which way the wind is blowing in society and acting accordingly. I think he noticed after the Janet Jackson thing, we started getting fined for stupid shit. Were getting $500,000 fines for jokes Im making about farting. The guy is a genius at marketing and comedymore so in marketing. I think he saw over time the way the show was going, and that it would not be conducive to have me on it. But he also knew that I was popular. I think he was trying to figure out a way to get rid of me. I did the job for him, but I dont think he was rooting for it. I think he conquered that era of radio with me. I wouldnt fit in now at all. I cant stand Gwyneth Paltrow. The contrast between the old shows is crazy. Like if you listen to shows we did of us talking about Jennifer Aniston or Ellen DeGeneres dancing in the 2000s. He said Aniston was a cunt. Even I was like, Jesus, it must be personal. Now he goes to her wedding.

Mandy: So whats going on with your health? The diabetes has gotten really bad? Have you had to amputate anything?

Artie: God no. The rumors have gotten really bad, havent they? No, the diabetes is under control every time I go to the hospital. But the thing is, its a confusing disease. One day a Twinkie could save your life, and another day it could kill you. Im not a good preparer so thats why I was bad in school. I was like, Lets get the fuck out of here and get to life. Which comedy lets you do. But yeah, with diabetes, youre supposed to measure your blood sugar every time before you eat. Im like, What the fuck, are you kidding me? Im going to take my blood sugar in the parking lot of McDonalds? Its bad, but when I go to the hospital they get me under control. So now its under control. Its fine, actually. But you know, give me two months out of the hospital and my blood sugar is higher than my credit score. Thats the signifier of a loser. They also put me on the liver list. I needed a new liver. But I went to a medical clinic someone recommended, and they gave me this special shit they put in the saline, it cost like $80,000, and my liver enzymes were like 900, which is like Mickey Mantle at the end of his life. And it went to normal, completely normal. My kidneys, my liver are all fine. The doctor said, Youve got the bloodwork, despite the diabetes, of an Olympic athlete.

Mandy: Have you thought about going down to Hippocrates Health Institute, where a lot of entertainment industry people have gone?

Artie: I did that once. Yeah, my sister found out about it. You need a prescription for an apple. I ran away from that in 2008. Howard said, go away for as long as you need to. Eight days in with these two other guys who were Stern fans who would have done anything for me, we just escaped in the one guys car. I got a $3,500 room at the Setai in South Beach, and I got a hooker and a bunch of pancakes. And I called into the show and said I have whiskey and pancakes with this Ecuadorian hooker, and he put me on the air. So I left early from that, and I was out of control. And Howard didnt think I was going to die or anything. You know, Chris Rock came in once and said, Howard, I think youve got to fire Artie. I love him. But he needs consequences.

Mandy: I guess my take is, from observing you from afar, youve said, Im clean so many times, and that youre always somebody who is going to use.

Artie: People think that I want to be someone who uses. I dont. I mean, I remember in Little League when I didnt use anything, I was very happy. When I am emphatic about it, in my personal life, I dont lie to friends of mine. But I can think of a lot of reasons why you dont tell your boss youre doing heroin, and why I lied to Howard Stern. Theres also a misconception I hate that Howard didnt care about me. He tried to get me help. Several times he said to me, Take as long as you want, and when you come back you have a job.

Mandy: So do you think some of the drug abuse comes from massive, massive self-hatred? That was the case for me, I know, and many addicts.

Artie: Thats interesting. Listen, Bernie Brillstein was talking to Norm Macdonald and me once. Hes the legendary manager who managed [John] Belushi, and he managed Chris Farley. And he supposedly said to Belushi and Farleyits funny he had guilt that he said this to Belushi, and 20 years later he said it again to mehe said, Well, whatd you get into show business for? Not to fuck hookers and do drugs? I was brought up on Sam Kinison and Richard Pryor. With Richard Pryor, I wanted to do almost everything he did, short of burning himself. And thats a terrible thing to think, but I got the opportunity, and I made every mistake you could make. I was like, Why not? The first time we went to Las Vegas with Howard, I fucked 11 strippers in four days. We were like the Rolling Stones going in there. Two years on MadTV aint exactly the Rolling Stones. The stuff Ive done with Norm Im so proud of because it was Norm, but it was never like a big hit. Like Dirty Work has become a little bit of a cult thing, which Im proud of. But with the Stern show, this was like rock-star shit. We flew into Vegas on a private jet, and theres a line around the block, and its all for us. Howard is married. Fred is married. Everyones married, and then theres me. The strippers going down her list, and she says, I guess Ill fuck him.

Mandy: Do you still talk to Norm Macdonald?

Artie: We communicate with text, like everybody else. He put a very nice thing in his book about me. He called me the last time, and he said, you gotta stop doing this. He was worried about me. I love Norm. Norm saved my whole career. Out of nowhere. I was about to start driving a cab again. I got the call for Dirty Work, and that led to everything else. Norm. Howard. Quincy Jones, who gave me MadTV. And Judd now. These are famous guys. [Bruce] Springsteen called me. And Apatow said to me, he said, You must be a really bad addict going back to this shit after all these people, your heroes, saved you. Hes right. I mean, Quincy Jones saved my fucking life. He also got me these insane privileges in L.A. County. Like my own shower. And I asked Quincy, How do you have so much sway in prison? He said, I made Thriller.

Mandy: So why do you go back to the drugs after you get clean each time? Is it the boredom?

Artie: Its the anger. Ill give you an example. Its a story I kind of keep on the down-low, but there was this girl that I dated in San Diego. She worked at an agency as an assistant. She was 23. I was 28, and I was on MadTV. And she was pregnantshe got pregnant, found out it was a boy. I was all excited, and she was scared to death because of how I had been living. Me at that age makes this look like Mr. Rogers. So the first place we made out was Zuma Beach, and she said, Lets go to that place. I want to tell you something. Shes crying, and she says, I had an abortion. I was mad, and I said, Why? And she said, You know, Artie, youre going to make your mark in this business, but I hope you do it before you die. And I cant deal with that.

Mandy: So anger is often the cause of relapses for you? Anger at the world?

Artie: It is a strange world. Its like rereading the Unabomber Manifesto its kind of like, I get it now. I dont agree with how he went about it, but he was clearly on the money about technology. Or look at the movie Network. That one scene, he lays everything out about what is to come.

Mandy: When do you find out if youre going to jail?

Artie: Feb. 23. You know, if they want to send me away for being a junkie, thats fine. The judge was very fair. Very smart. I dont know if she was a big fan of mine, but thats all right.

Mandy: When do you think you were happiest in your life?

Artie: You know, its funny. When I was broke, when I left the port as a longshoreman, and I decided to drive into New York City one night, I was 19 years old. When I started doing well, I was driving a cab, I was broke, trying to help my mother out. We were about to lose the house. And I told her I could go back to the port. She said I could keep doing it. But you know, I was happier during the struggle because of hope. I was 23, broke, driving a cab, parking a cab in front of The Comic Strip, which was the first place I passed. I would have [Joe] Matarese or [Dave] Attell watch the car. I was happier then, I swear to God.

Mandy: Hollywood can be fairly crushing. So many transactional relationships and people who dont care if you live or die and want to use you.

Artie: At the Stern show, I saw how toxic that entire environment was. You have some people who are without talent who just leached onto Howard. Talentless guys whose entire life is based on pleasing that one person. I saw people who werent comedians who thought they could sit in that chair and do what I did. When I went down with the heroin thing, they were clearly making statements about it. Like if I died, they would have been almost happy about it, I guarantee it. I saw the sharks swimming like Ive never seen before. I thought I knew a lot about people in a non-naive way coming into that job, but man, the way people wanted what I did for a living. What pissed me off is that they thought they could do it. And you know, theres a reason that chair stayed empty. Im done being humble with some things. That chair isnt empty completely because Howard felt like it; that chair is empty because he knows no one can do what I did. There are people who are funnier than me, but theres no one who would have been as honest, and no one who knows that show better. I left a lot of blood on that fucking floor, man. I told stories that cost me relationships with some people, and I didnt realize it. I almost got arrested. The DEA came to the fucking show because of something I said on the air, in their fucking windbreakers, to grill me about Heath Ledger because they thought we had the same heroin dealer. Im like, Why the fuck do you think that? I guess theres reasons they could. There was a security guy who worked the door, and he saw the whole thing, and he said, Artie, you are one entertaining fuckup.

Mandy: What do you think of Donald Trump, who used to do the Howard Stern Show quite a bit?

Artie: I love Trump. Ive had like four times when I interacted with him. I roasted him. Trump said I was the best of the night, but then Howard is so smart, he told me to tell the joke that was making fun of him in business. I do, and then Trump goes, Artie was the worst of the roast. He bombed. I had a CNN guy call me about it, and I said, Im not doing it. Because Im fucking rooting for him. And I golfed with him and Eli Manning once at his club. I did nothing but laugh along with him. Then I saw him at Howards wedding. Howard had bought out Le Cirque. But it was still small. I had played Carnegie Hall at this point, but it was so nerve-wracking. Billy Joel and his wife were there, two feet from me. Howard. Trump and Melania. Barbara Walters, Joan Rivers, Chevy Chase. It was a tough room, you know. And I killed. The first joke was how much Beth looks like Christie Brinkley, so I made a Billy Joel joke. And thank God he laughed at it. But Howard was drunk, and doing that great Howard laugh. I loved making Howard laugh. But Trump came up to me afterward, because other people spoke and kind of bombed, and he shook my hand, and he said, That was a very hard thing to do, and you were amazing. He respected that even though I look like a slob he could tell I worked hard. Because, yeah, you think I walked into Stern because I won a lottery? So I always respected the guy.

Whether youre for him or not, what he represents is that this country can vote out politicians and elect a game show host because theyre pissed off about stuff. You know, there are two guys on that Billy Bush tape. One guy apologized. The other guy didnt. One guys working at a gift shop in Kennebunkport. The other guys president. The fucking country likes alpha males. The Midwest does, I know that. And the stuff with the Mexicans. He didnt say he hates all Mexicans. He told the truth about the drug problem. How do you think I get dope? Trump just doesnt give a shit. You know, Louis C.K. wrote an op-ed piece, while he was, jerking off next to women, calling Trump Hitler? And its like, Calm the fuck down. It washes down what Hitler did. A guy who let the Mob take away garbage because you have to? The naivete of these people. If you build a building in New York, you have to deal with the Mob. Trump knows that. Ted Cruz lost so many votes during the primaries when he attacked him on that.

Mandy: What do you think of the porn star Stormy Daniels and Trump? I guess he asked her to spank him with a copy of Forbes.

Artie: Well, I think Ive done worse. Comparing him to Harvey Weinstein? Thats a fetish. Listen, if Trump has raped someone, of course I hate his guts.

Mandy: So for you, what has the reaction been to your latest near-death experience? From everything that Ive read on Twitter and Reddit and YouTube, I feel like half the fans are saying, I dont want to watch him kill himself anymore, and like, Ive stopped believing him.

Artie: The fact that I havent got it yet is hard to understand. I think theyre disappointed in me. It was an easier sell at 30 than it was at 50.

Mandy: Whats the best sobriety advice youve received, do you think?

Artie: To not make my Higher Power my career or another human being because it can disappoint you.

Mandy: Do you believe in God? Do you pray?

Artie: You know, Ill give you something Ive never told anybody. So my father was obsessed with Houdini the magician, and Houdini was obsessed with the occult. Houdini always tried to contact the other side, like dead relatives. So Houdini said, If I die, lets have a word. If the psychic tells you the word, you know, we talk. So my father said, when he was lying in bed, he had the plan to kill himself, but I didnt know that. He said, Lets do that. I go, OK. His father, who I never knew, died when he was 11. He got shot in front of him. His father worked at a factory. The Otis Elevator Company in Newark. It was a bookie, I guess. But he said, Lets make it Otis.

So Im in rehab this latest time, several weeks ago. And Im in the van, which the hilarious security guards call The Druggie Buggie. Or The Loser Cruiser, thats what they call it in jail. So Ive just come out of the shit, with the withdrawal part, and I looked better, I guess. It was a beautiful day. Where I went in Connecticut, it was like a Christmas card, it was unbelievably beautiful. And I said, I feel better this time. I felt really good. The sky was clear. I was with people I like, and they both said out of nowhere, I think youre going to make it this time. And I said, I guess I gotta think like that. And I stretched over, and there was a car that said Otis on it. The elevator at the rehab that never broke, they said, when I told them the story, the Otis Elevator Company was repairing the elevator. Listen, I dont believe in any of that shit, but that is the most spiritual thing thats ever happened to me. I tell my mother that, and clearly shes religious, and she goes, Dads talking to you. Im telling you, that was fucking freaky. So you know, just at that moment, when I had hope and I looked up and it was a clear sky and it says Otis, I was just like, Jesus Christ.

Read more: https://www.thedailybeast.com/artie-lange-is-not-ready-to-die-fck-em-all

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Artie Lange Is Not Ready to Die: F*ck Em All

Its hard being friends with the notoriously demon-plagued comedian Artie Langewhich, full disclosure, I am. This is in no way objective. I truly want the guy to live.

I first interviewed Lange in 2006 as part of the New York Posts coverage of the annual New York Comedy Festival. He had just sold out Carnegie Hall in a few hours and was on top of the world. Over the next few years, we met at comedy clubs from time to time. I mentioned how healthy he looked in a May 2009 Page Six item about his visiting Colin Quinns one-man show (which he mentioned in his book Crash and Burn). When I interviewed him again on Oct. 30, 2009, it was a longer talk this time, with a few insights that surprised me. He talked about the game comics play of initially sabotaging a set with the audience, then seeing if you can dig yourself out of that hole. I asked if he had ever thought that he might be playing the same game with his own life. You should be a shrink, he said.

Sixty-nine days later, I heard the news, like anyone else who follows Lange: that he was near death after stabbing himself in the stomach nine times with a 13-inch kitchen knife.

Then on Sept. 27, 2010, I got a call from comedian Dan Naturman, who told me all about Arties triumphant return at the Comedy Cellar, which led to an incredibly feel-good lead item in Page Six called: Artie Lange Thrills Audiences Again.

I interviewed him several more times over the years, and when my husband Pat Dixon, who is also a comedian, started his own show in 2015 at Compound Media, run by controversial radio legend Anthony Cumia, I told Artie that he ought to consider joining the network. To my surpriseand unrelated to me telling him that, as the pairing of two Sirius refugees is a no-brainer for anyone who follows shock-jock radioin August 2017, he started a new show with Cumia called The AA Show. Now, not only did Lange have a regular broadcasting outlet, but the HBO series Judd Apatow and Pete Holmes enlisted him in called Crashing, where he played himself, was a bona fide hit. His third book, Wanna Bet?, was inked, his standup was doing well, and so if you were doing any kind of predictive sequence, what happened next was no surprise.

Oct. 16, 2017: Artie Lange rushed to hospital, cancels weekend show. Dec. 13, 2017: Artie Lange Arrested After Missing Court Date for Drug Charges. Dec. 15, 2017: Artie Lange Headed to Rehab on Private Jet After Drug Charge.

Less than a month later, on Jan. 12, Lange returned home to New York and tweeted out to his 364,000 followers: Im back guys. Clean & Sober 32 days.

On Jan. 18, after celebrating Dave Attells birthday (Artie just turned 50 himself), Lange met me in between sets at New York Citys Olive Tree Cafe. To avoid the requests for photos from fans and occasional paparazzi, we sat in his SUV and drove around the city for an hour and a half before returning to the comedy club. With one hand on the steering wheel and one on an unlit Marlboro Red, Lange talked about everything from Harvey Weinstein to Donald Trump to Louis C.K. to Aziz Ansari to the fundamental question at hand:

Artie Lange doesnt want to die… right?

The following interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.

Mandy: So I guess Im wondering at what point all of this is enough to get you to stop. Like, for instance, I have a friend who if he did cocaine one more time, the doctors told him his nose would collapse

Artie: Well half of my nose is gone. My nose has no septum. I mean Ive been snorting coke and heroin

Mandy: When was the last time you did coke or heroin?

Artie: Well I just pissed clean at Hazelden so thats 38 days. But heres the thing: 31 of them were in lockdown. So nows the real work. And Im not going to lie to you, its a struggle lying there every night.

Mandy: Whats the longest youve ever been clean?

Artie: Since I was 15, 11 months. And two weeks in my twenties.

Mandy: Do you take, what is it, methadone?

Artie: No, no. I was on methadone years ago. There was a methadone clinic on Eighth and 35th, and I would go there before Howard. They would give it out to me, like special, at 5:30 a.m. I had to stop doing heroin because I was losing my job. They gave me the methadone. Its fucking heroin, basically. I left during interviews to throw up. And I said, Well this is worse than fucking heroin, so why dont I stay on that. I take Suboxone now. Suboxone works well for me, and its accepted by society. It looks like a pill you take for blood pressure every morning, so thats how Ive got to look at it. It lets you not go cold turkey.

Aziz Im sorry is a better name. I dont have any respect for Aziz Ansari. Im glad nobody got raped.

Artie Lange

Mandy: You detoxed cold turkey in jail this last time?

Artie: Ive been in jail like eight times, and this past time, I detoxed. I kicked heroin, like lying on the floor. When I got arraigned, you always want to be very respectful in front of the judge. She was like, What are you doing? And Im thinking to myself, Well, your honor, Im dead. And you know, Im trying to stand up. Withdrawal, the physical stuff, people would see the first or the second day of withdrawals, girlfriends would say, Well, that was really bad. And Im like, You saw the opening act. That was The Clash. That was David Johansen. The Who is about to take the stage. The third or fourth day of heroin withdrawal, if youre a big user like I became, if youre not physically stopped from getting dope, youll get it. With heroin, I became an addict on the road. I always had money. Ive never had to steal. I dont judge those people. Like people say to me, Have you ever blown a guy for heroin? I say, No. But then again, no ones ever asked.

Mandy: If you do fall off the wagon again, are you scared of fentanyl at all?

Artie: No. A real heroin addict is not scared of fentanyl. Id do it in a heartbeat. I want strong shit.

Mandy: Have you seen the tiny amount it takes to kill you?

Artie: I dont know what it is, but draw it back one inch. I would accept fentanyl in a heartbeat. I had a fentanyl patch on in a mental home. It was unbelievable. Ive never ODed. Ive had dealers say, Jesus Christ. What the fuck. But the nose is bad now. I could get a brain infection. If I did it, anything would go right to the brain. But again, I heard that six months ago, and I went and used an hour after.

Mandy: So I mean… you must want to die.

Artie: No, I dont want to die. I want to be high.

Mandy: But that will eventually kill you.

Artie: Im 50. If you would have told me in 1995, if you tried to bring up 2018, it would be like The Jetsons. Id be like, What are you talking about?

Mandy: So youre having fun on borrowed time.

Artie: Im playing with the houses money. As far as Im concerned, Im an overachiever. A lot of money changed hands on the internet when I turned 50. I was so happy. Fuck em all.

Mandy: But I mean… your mom and your sister. Theyre the main people who keep you from wanting to to be reckless with the houses money, right?

Artie: Yes thats the… thats the worst.

Mandy: I called your mom when you were practically in a coma these last few weeks, and her voice was just so heartbroken. I dont think she thought you were going to make it.

Artie: Yeah, you know, my father left us with nothing. I love my dad. He was my best friend. But my father was a criminal. My dad was an impulsive guy, and thats what killed him. Just like my father, with me, there are real high highs and real low lows. Like my mother saw me at Carnegie Hall, when my book went to No. 1 on The New York Times bestseller list, and I think [Barack] Obamas was like No. 7. She has that framed. But then shes also seen me withdrawing in jail.

Mandy: Your mom discovered you when you tried to kill yourself in 2010, right?

Artie: That was not a suicide attempt. I was in such bad withdrawals. Believe me, I leave a note. The one other time, I left a note. But shrinks go, Youve never tried to kill yourself. Because there was always a mountain of drugs involved. I was in such bad withdrawals, I wanted to feel something different. I was by myself. I wanted to lose enough blood to pass out. When I woke up, I dont know, I figured Id put on a red shirt and go out. I didnt know my mother was coming over. They had an intervention planned that I didnt even know about. I go, Ma, you never planned a surprise party.

Mandy: Does your mom talk to you every day?

Artie: Yeah, my mother knows me better than anybody, but I dont tell her when I slip. You know, when Dr. Drew offered me 250 grand to do Celebrity Rehab, I thought to myself, Do I just want to kill my mother now? Like its going to be me and Dennis Rodman throwing up in the same bucket. I love Dr. Drew, but I knew that show was going to go off the air because the recovery rate is like zero. If Pablo Escobar were alive today, hed be running a rehab. Its such a corrupt industry.

Mandy: You seem to still get offered drugs a lot. I think about that scene in Crashing where its the super hot woman from Showgirls who has coke and wants to do it with you.

Artie: Gina Gershon? Yeah, you know, that episode is based on one of my stories. And if the woman who inspired the episode figures it out, shed be very happy with the casting.

Mandy: Do you think it was a good idea to leave rehab early?

Artie: I have to do this intense outpatient thing which is five days a week. I go in there in the morning, and I get piss tests there. Screen Actors Guild doesnt let you do that to people. Like its almost an NFL union. You cant pee-test people. Not that Im complaining about it, but I dont get fired from shows because ultimately its a forgiving business for stuff like that. People always say its a forgiving business. And, its true. Robert Downey Jr. came back, and hes like the best actor ever. But for every one of him, theres like two thousand Jeff Conaways from Taxi living at a right angle and nobody cares and they die alone.

Mandy: Youre just working so much right now.

Artie: The one genre where I have some juice is the radio business, and you know Anthony Cumia, I love Anthony so much now. I never really met him before. Were both sort of outlaws. Without this podcasting technology you know we both would be out of a job now, probably. Its such a weird existence I have right now. Over on one side, Im doing this crazy podcast with Anthony on Compound Media that I love, and then Im on Crashing which is an HBO-produced show I love, but which could not be more the other way. Judd Apatow is another famous guy who saved my life. Like, what a great person. Ive got books and stand-up, and Im still making a lot of money doing it. If thats not going to go away, theres not much of an incentive to stay in rehab.

Mandy: And Im guessing, from what you said, you dont want to leave your mom with nothing. So what about a gig like the one with Anthony Cumia. Is that enabling or is that helping you stay clean?

Artie: Let me tell you something: I love doing it. Its almost like therapy. A lot of people dont understand a comics mind. People are like, Youre going to jump right into stand-up? Yeah, thats what I have to do. I cant stop doing it. And Anthonys show is like from 4 p.m. to 6 p.m. Its the most fun Ive ever had in my life. Even more fun than Howard. Because I was never uncensored on Howard. Its his show. Its Howard. So what was happening near the end when his life changed, he would meet somebody in the Hamptons, and we wouldnt know about it. Like me and Fred [Norris, the longest tenured Howard Stern staff member] wouldnt know about it. And then hed be friends with them, like somebody we bashed for 10 years. So Id say something about Richard Gere, and hed go, You got a problem with him? Id go, Havent we always had a problem with him? No, I had dinner with him. Well, can I get the memo? I dont give a shit. Ill put him on the fucking list. But I wouldnt not be able to make fun of Orlando Bloom. The show, I couldnt be on now. And he knew that.

Mandy: Anthony probably does a better Howard impression than Howard at this point.

Artie: Well the thing about Anthony is that hes the same guy off-air. But its not true for Howard. Howards a very fascinating guy. He must have an IQ north of 180. But the example I always use is that Hunter S. Thompson was a guy who destroyed like the wealthy and corporate America, and he walked the walk until the end of his life. He was a crazy maniac in Colorado and shot himself in the head. And Howard was like that for a while. He was making fun of all these people, and when he got a chancelike no one else has become an A-list person through the radiobut when he got a chance to be with those people, fans thought hes going to be like Hunter S. Thompson. Like you see them through the window eating, and hes going to bust through the window or moon them or something. And when he got the chance, like Jennifer Anistons wedding, he starts making out with Orlando Bloom.

Mandy: Metaphorically.

Artie: Right. And to me as a fan, its like, what the fuck have we been laughing at all this time? Me and my first girlfriend at the time Dana [Sironi], she was close with Beth [Ostrosky Stern]. And Beth is a sweetheart. I dont want to make it sound like Im bitter. I still love Howard.

Mandy: Who are the people from the Stern show you keep in touch with?

Artie: Well, theyre not allowed to call me. I swear to God, Ive had people tell me from the show they were worried they were talking to me. Look, Im a person whos impulsive, and I get very angry and I say things I shouldnt say. Its hurt me my whole life, and Im a junkie.

Mandy: You tweeted a few days ago, Look out Marci. Im talking to Howard without your permission, referring to his high-profile handler Marci Turk. Did you actually talk to Howard Stern?

Artie: No, I dont talk to Howard. We hate each others guts. He cant stand me for some reason, and Ive learned to hate him.

Mandy: Whats your reaction to Louis C.K.? And now everyones talking about the story that was written about Aziz Ansari.

Artie: Aziz Im sorry is a better name. I dont have any respect for Aziz Ansari. Im glad nobody got raped. But you know, I agree with Samantha Bee when she says it doesnt have to be rape to ruin somebodys life. Thats true. And what Louis did is despicable. That was a rumor for a long time. But if youre a couple of women at the Aspen Comedy Festival, youve got a lot going on, probably. And theres this comedian, who back then he wasnt famous, but hes always been respected, and they certainly knew him. And hes promising them shit supposedly, and its just because he wants to jerk off in front of them. Its just the creepiest thing ever. Louis was always overrated to me. He has like five jokes hes written that I like. But you know Ill go along with it, if it gets me spots. I just think hes overrated. To me, it was like the emperors new clothes came off. In the hotel room.

Mandy: Have you had any women approach you with any kind of Me Too moment, something they wanted to confront you about?

Artie: A girl? No. I mean, some people think Im a misogynist because of stuff on the Stern show. You know Ive never told anybody this, but this is how my family feels about sex predators: After I told my father about a high-school teacher hurting a girl I knew, the way my dad dealt with it was by waiting outside the teachers house, putting a bag over the guys head, and leaving him in a car for two days. My dad came back, disguised his voice, and he said, Stop fucking touching little girls. Im not condoning how he handled it, but thats just the truth. My father thought that was justified. You know, there are people who think Goodfellas is horrible. We think its a comedy. My momshe is the strongest woman in my lifeand she and my sister are my heroes. Any woman whos ever dated me will tell you, Im like, Are you sure? Can we get this in writing and an email from you? I think in Hollywood, its a case of these nerdy guys who dont know what to do with a woman, and they get a chance to do it, and they do something inappropriate. Like Ive never been a Casanova but Ive always been able to get a date. I think the more time you stay asexual in your adult life, you get creepier.

Mandy: Ive had several comics over the years tell me about their personal dislike for Aziz based on his standoffish behavior. Do you think theres any schadenfreude right now as he is coming under fire?

Artie: Im probably one of those guys. I thought he could follow me on Bitter. I dont like bashing of comedians in general. I hated the Dane Cook-bashing thing. And Dane goes on to make all that money, and that bitterness comes out. Then his brother steals millions of dollars from him. I wish Dane well. And you know, I think Aziz gets a lot of that bitterness, too. You know, his timing is perfect for comedy. But what he does at the Comedy Cellar is not going to endear him to anybody. What he does there, he sits in the corner like a young Dylan writing jokes, and he can do that at home. We get it. Youre a hard worker. But I guess were going to have to get over that, because a new generation of people is coming.

I think he was trying to figure out a way to get rid of me. I did the job for him, but I dont think he was rooting for it.

Artie Lange on Howard Stern

Mandy: Do you think that Crashing captures the changing culture in comedy at all?

Artie: Judd is so great at what he does, and so is Pete [Holmes]. The way Judd lets you improvise, and the money… see Ive never been involved in something that you might call a hit. Except the Stern show, but that was very different. Judd is so successful. The money HBO is spending. They shot it like a playyou dont have to do over-the-shoulder stuff. And the way that I talk and work, it was way better for me. Judd knew that. Like the scene in the pizzeria, Judd read my book, which was flattering, and he said, Just tell me stories about your life, about what can happen off-stage, so like the ghost of Christmas future. Comedy future. I think its great, because Judd lets us talk.

Mandy: I was relistening today to your very first Howard Stern appearance. And Stern is joking, saying, You need coke. Youre a lot better on it. He also says, Go out and get into more trouble, and well have you back on.

Artie: I know. But you cant blame anyone else for any of this. Howards genius is seeing which way the wind is blowing in society and acting accordingly. I think he noticed after the Janet Jackson thing, we started getting fined for stupid shit. Were getting $500,000 fines for jokes Im making about farting. The guy is a genius at marketing and comedymore so in marketing. I think he saw over time the way the show was going, and that it would not be conducive to have me on it. But he also knew that I was popular. I think he was trying to figure out a way to get rid of me. I did the job for him, but I dont think he was rooting for it. I think he conquered that era of radio with me. I wouldnt fit in now at all. I cant stand Gwyneth Paltrow. The contrast between the old shows is crazy. Like if you listen to shows we did of us talking about Jennifer Aniston or Ellen DeGeneres dancing in the 2000s. He said Aniston was a cunt. Even I was like, Jesus, it must be personal. Now he goes to her wedding.

Mandy: So whats going on with your health? The diabetes has gotten really bad? Have you had to amputate anything?

Artie: God no. The rumors have gotten really bad, havent they? No, the diabetes is under control every time I go to the hospital. But the thing is, its a confusing disease. One day a Twinkie could save your life, and another day it could kill you. Im not a good preparer so thats why I was bad in school. I was like, Lets get the fuck out of here and get to life. Which comedy lets you do. But yeah, with diabetes, youre supposed to measure your blood sugar every time before you eat. Im like, What the fuck, are you kidding me? Im going to take my blood sugar in the parking lot of McDonalds? Its bad, but when I go to the hospital they get me under control. So now its under control. Its fine, actually. But you know, give me two months out of the hospital and my blood sugar is higher than my credit score. Thats the signifier of a loser. They also put me on the liver list. I needed a new liver. But I went to a medical clinic someone recommended, and they gave me this special shit they put in the saline, it cost like $80,000, and my liver enzymes were like 900, which is like Mickey Mantle at the end of his life. And it went to normal, completely normal. My kidneys, my liver are all fine. The doctor said, Youve got the bloodwork, despite the diabetes, of an Olympic athlete.

Mandy: Have you thought about going down to Hippocrates Health Institute, where a lot of entertainment industry people have gone?

Artie: I did that once. Yeah, my sister found out about it. You need a prescription for an apple. I ran away from that in 2008. Howard said, go away for as long as you need to. Eight days in with these two other guys who were Stern fans who would have done anything for me, we just escaped in the one guys car. I got a $3,500 room at the Setai in South Beach, and I got a hooker and a bunch of pancakes. And I called into the show and said I have whiskey and pancakes with this Ecuadorian hooker, and he put me on the air. So I left early from that, and I was out of control. And Howard didnt think I was going to die or anything. You know, Chris Rock came in once and said, Howard, I think youve got to fire Artie. I love him. But he needs consequences.

Mandy: I guess my take is, from observing you from afar, youve said, Im clean so many times, and that youre always somebody who is going to use.

Artie: People think that I want to be someone who uses. I dont. I mean, I remember in Little League when I didnt use anything, I was very happy. When I am emphatic about it, in my personal life, I dont lie to friends of mine. But I can think of a lot of reasons why you dont tell your boss youre doing heroin, and why I lied to Howard Stern. Theres also a misconception I hate that Howard didnt care about me. He tried to get me help. Several times he said to me, Take as long as you want, and when you come back you have a job.

Mandy: So do you think some of the drug abuse comes from massive, massive self-hatred? That was the case for me, I know, and many addicts.

Artie: Thats interesting. Listen, Bernie Brillstein was talking to Norm Macdonald and me once. Hes the legendary manager who managed [John] Belushi, and he managed Chris Farley. And he supposedly said to Belushi and Farleyits funny he had guilt that he said this to Belushi, and 20 years later he said it again to mehe said, Well, whatd you get into show business for? Not to fuck hookers and do drugs? I was brought up on Sam Kinison and Richard Pryor. With Richard Pryor, I wanted to do almost everything he did, short of burning himself. And thats a terrible thing to think, but I got the opportunity, and I made every mistake you could make. I was like, Why not? The first time we went to Las Vegas with Howard, I fucked 11 strippers in four days. We were like the Rolling Stones going in there. Two years on MadTV aint exactly the Rolling Stones. The stuff Ive done with Norm Im so proud of because it was Norm, but it was never like a big hit. Like Dirty Work has become a little bit of a cult thing, which Im proud of. But with the Stern show, this was like rock-star shit. We flew into Vegas on a private jet, and theres a line around the block, and its all for us. Howard is married. Fred is married. Everyones married, and then theres me. The strippers going down her list, and she says, I guess Ill fuck him.

Mandy: Do you still talk to Norm Macdonald?

Artie: We communicate with text, like everybody else. He put a very nice thing in his book about me. He called me the last time, and he said, you gotta stop doing this. He was worried about me. I love Norm. Norm saved my whole career. Out of nowhere. I was about to start driving a cab again. I got the call for Dirty Work, and that led to everything else. Norm. Howard. Quincy Jones, who gave me MadTV. And Judd now. These are famous guys. [Bruce] Springsteen called me. And Apatow said to me, he said, You must be a really bad addict going back to this shit after all these people, your heroes, saved you. Hes right. I mean, Quincy Jones saved my fucking life. He also got me these insane privileges in L.A. County. Like my own shower. And I asked Quincy, How do you have so much sway in prison? He said, I made Thriller.

Mandy: So why do you go back to the drugs after you get clean each time? Is it the boredom?

Artie: Its the anger. Ill give you an example. Its a story I kind of keep on the down-low, but there was this girl that I dated in San Diego. She worked at an agency as an assistant. She was 23. I was 28, and I was on MadTV. And she was pregnantshe got pregnant, found out it was a boy. I was all excited, and she was scared to death because of how I had been living. Me at that age makes this look like Mr. Rogers. So the first place we made out was Zuma Beach, and she said, Lets go to that place. I want to tell you something. Shes crying, and she says, I had an abortion. I was mad, and I said, Why? And she said, You know, Artie, youre going to make your mark in this business, but I hope you do it before you die. And I cant deal with that.

Mandy: So anger is often the cause of relapses for you? Anger at the world?

Artie: It is a strange world. Its like rereading the Unabomber Manifesto its kind of like, I get it now. I dont agree with how he went about it, but he was clearly on the money about technology. Or look at the movie Network. That one scene, he lays everything out about what is to come.

Mandy: When do you find out if youre going to jail?

Artie: Feb. 23. You know, if they want to send me away for being a junkie, thats fine. The judge was very fair. Very smart. I dont know if she was a big fan of mine, but thats all right.

Mandy: When do you think you were happiest in your life?

Artie: You know, its funny. When I was broke, when I left the port as a longshoreman, and I decided to drive into New York City one night, I was 19 years old. When I started doing well, I was driving a cab, I was broke, trying to help my mother out. We were about to lose the house. And I told her I could go back to the port. She said I could keep doing it. But you know, I was happier during the struggle because of hope. I was 23, broke, driving a cab, parking a cab in front of The Comic Strip, which was the first place I passed. I would have [Joe] Matarese or [Dave] Attell watch the car. I was happier then, I swear to God.

Mandy: Hollywood can be fairly crushing. So many transactional relationships and people who dont care if you live or die and want to use you.

Artie: At the Stern show, I saw how toxic that entire environment was. You have some people who are without talent who just leached onto Howard. Talentless guys whose entire life is based on pleasing that one person. I saw people who werent comedians who thought they could sit in that chair and do what I did. When I went down with the heroin thing, they were clearly making statements about it. Like if I died, they would have been almost happy about it, I guarantee it. I saw the sharks swimming like Ive never seen before. I thought I knew a lot about people in a non-naive way coming into that job, but man, the way people wanted what I did for a living. What pissed me off is that they thought they could do it. And you know, theres a reason that chair stayed empty. Im done being humble with some things. That chair isnt empty completely because Howard felt like it; that chair is empty because he knows no one can do what I did. There are people who are funnier than me, but theres no one who would have been as honest, and no one who knows that show better. I left a lot of blood on that fucking floor, man. I told stories that cost me relationships with some people, and I didnt realize it. I almost got arrested. The DEA came to the fucking show because of something I said on the air, in their fucking windbreakers, to grill me about Heath Ledger because they thought we had the same heroin dealer. Im like, Why the fuck do you think that? I guess theres reasons they could. There was a security guy who worked the door, and he saw the whole thing, and he said, Artie, you are one entertaining fuckup.

Mandy: What do you think of Donald Trump, who used to do the Howard Stern Show quite a bit?

Artie: I love Trump. Ive had like four times when I interacted with him. I roasted him. Trump said I was the best of the night, but then Howard is so smart, he told me to tell the joke that was making fun of him in business. I do, and then Trump goes, Artie was the worst of the roast. He bombed. I had a CNN guy call me about it, and I said, Im not doing it. Because Im fucking rooting for him. And I golfed with him and Eli Manning once at his club. I did nothing but laugh along with him. Then I saw him at Howards wedding. Howard had bought out Le Cirque. But it was still small. I had played Carnegie Hall at this point, but it was so nerve-wracking. Billy Joel and his wife were there, two feet from me. Howard. Trump and Melania. Barbara Walters, Joan Rivers, Chevy Chase. It was a tough room, you know. And I killed. The first joke was how much Beth looks like Christie Brinkley, so I made a Billy Joel joke. And thank God he laughed at it. But Howard was drunk, and doing that great Howard laugh. I loved making Howard laugh. But Trump came up to me afterward, because other people spoke and kind of bombed, and he shook my hand, and he said, That was a very hard thing to do, and you were amazing. He respected that even though I look like a slob he could tell I worked hard. Because, yeah, you think I walked into Stern because I won a lottery? So I always respected the guy.

Whether youre for him or not, what he represents is that this country can vote out politicians and elect a game show host because theyre pissed off about stuff. You know, there are two guys on that Billy Bush tape. One guy apologized. The other guy didnt. One guys working at a gift shop in Kennebunkport. The other guys president. The fucking country likes alpha males. The Midwest does, I know that. And the stuff with the Mexicans. He didnt say he hates all Mexicans. He told the truth about the drug problem. How do you think I get dope? Trump just doesnt give a shit. You know, Louis C.K. wrote an op-ed piece, while he was, jerking off next to women, calling Trump Hitler? And its like, Calm the fuck down. It washes down what Hitler did. A guy who let the Mob take away garbage because you have to? The naivete of these people. If you build a building in New York, you have to deal with the Mob. Trump knows that. Ted Cruz lost so many votes during the primaries when he attacked him on that.

Mandy: What do you think of the porn star Stormy Daniels and Trump? I guess he asked her to spank him with a copy of Forbes.

Artie: Well, I think Ive done worse. Comparing him to Harvey Weinstein? Thats a fetish. Listen, if Trump has raped someone, of course I hate his guts.

Mandy: So for you, what has the reaction been to your latest near-death experience? From everything that Ive read on Twitter and Reddit and YouTube, I feel like half the fans are saying, I dont want to watch him kill himself anymore, and like, Ive stopped believing him.

Artie: The fact that I havent got it yet is hard to understand. I think theyre disappointed in me. It was an easier sell at 30 than it was at 50.

Mandy: Whats the best sobriety advice youve received, do you think?

Artie: To not make my Higher Power my career or another human being because it can disappoint you.

Mandy: Do you believe in God? Do you pray?

Artie: You know, Ill give you something Ive never told anybody. So my father was obsessed with Houdini the magician, and Houdini was obsessed with the occult. Houdini always tried to contact the other side, like dead relatives. So Houdini said, If I die, lets have a word. If the psychic tells you the word, you know, we talk. So my father said, when he was lying in bed, he had the plan to kill himself, but I didnt know that. He said, Lets do that. I go, OK. His father, who I never knew, died when he was 11. He got shot in front of him. His father worked at a factory. The Otis Elevator Company in Newark. It was a bookie, I guess. But he said, Lets make it Otis.

So Im in rehab this latest time, several weeks ago. And Im in the van, which the hilarious security guards call The Druggie Buggie. Or The Loser Cruiser, thats what they call it in jail. So Ive just come out of the shit, with the withdrawal part, and I looked better, I guess. It was a beautiful day. Where I went in Connecticut, it was like a Christmas card, it was unbelievably beautiful. And I said, I feel better this time. I felt really good. The sky was clear. I was with people I like, and they both said out of nowhere, I think youre going to make it this time. And I said, I guess I gotta think like that. And I stretched over, and there was a car that said Otis on it. The elevator at the rehab that never broke, they said, when I told them the story, the Otis Elevator Company was repairing the elevator. Listen, I dont believe in any of that shit, but that is the most spiritual thing thats ever happened to me. I tell my mother that, and clearly shes religious, and she goes, Dads talking to you. Im telling you, that was fucking freaky. So you know, just at that moment, when I had hope and I looked up and it was a clear sky and it says Otis, I was just like, Jesus Christ.

Read more: https://www.thedailybeast.com/artie-lange-is-not-ready-to-die-fck-em-all

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