#Im not even worth trying for anymore

[untimelyambition]

now that we’re on the topic i would fucking love to read through the sheet music for nerdy prudes must die… not even to play or try and put on my own performance but just so i could read it and follow along with the show to try and work out all the harmonies

#this is a complete hypothetical #i get why it’s not available ofc and why thats not something you can access or even something theyd want to try and market or sell #but in the way of like. #imagine i could check it out of a library and just have one or two watch throughs of the show with it in front of me #and finally FINALLY pick out all the different notes im hearing clearly so it all clicks together in my brain #i dont even really do that much music anymore so my sheet reading skills are probably out the window #regardless imagine how fun that would be to just peruse the score while you listen to the songs #would heal something in me i think #i dont want/need to own it and certainly wouldnt want it for like putting on my own show or reproducing it or anything like that #i just think it would be fun to flip through like a magazine like a coffee table book like a film script #anyway you should all totally buy the bonus content and digital download of npmd if you havent already it is 100% worth it #im having the time of my life #TEAM STARKID I LOVE YOUUUUUUU #npmd #nerdy prudes must die #starkid #tilda rambling

[errolluck]

I'm tired. Of all of this.

Every fucking day feels like the same, yet it gets heavier. Things get worse, nothing gets better and the few things that gave me security, happiness, where I thought I could escape and be free for some moments, are getting corrupted, forgotten, stained forever, never to be the same refuge they once were.

I'm tired of living sometimes. Of existing on this world.

I know how dying feels; it's calming, the darkness eats you and you feel without worries for the first time in your existance. You know it and that frees you.

But I don't want to die. I'm a coward. I want to continue living on this earth just because I think I can do something in the future, something that will fix everything, something that will give a purporse to everything I've done and lived through.

But we all know that is just a lie to make us feel better, don't we?

Because, at the end of all, do we really matter? What can assure us that?

I'm tired. Too tired.

I want to go somewhere else, but there is nowhere to escape. I want to say that I want to go home, go to the park, go to a forest and be happy. But this is something that will haunt me, haunt me forever and everywhere until the end.

Because you can't escape yourself.

I'm tired...

#I'm not ok right now #my mental health is declining #and everything is getting worse #even the little things that I used to escape reality are rotting #Im just tired #of every single fucking thing that happens #I just wanna curl up and not move at all #Sorry for the vent #but i need to get it out #Im not considering suicide #I don't want to be a weight even after Im gone #and again #i dont want to die #but I just #I just don't want to do this anymore #I don't know what to do #I feel pointless #I think this is just another crisis episode I'm having and I'm going to be fine in some weeks #but I just have to get this out of my chest #I pretend to be ok #to be happy to see if I can truly be happy again #trying to be normal #and ignore everything else that is wrong around me and with me #Sorry again #sorry for the vent #you don't have to worry about me #I don't wanna stress people because I'm not worth it

[skunkes]

In the kindest of ways possible I'm grabbing you by the shoulders and shaking you brother you need to stop overthinking your art so much . . . You're an extremely talented artist there's too many horrors in the world to be getting upset every so often about your own craft. Like I don't mean to scold you I'm just passing you the ball and encouraging you to run with it because you deserve it.......

dont worry i understand what u mean!!

And also i get it, thats the Complex part, its double edged (??) right now bc im struggling so hard to pick apart a double standard (unsure if this is the right wording) or weird mindset i recently realized i have for myself wrt art compared to when i see other people make it, bc i dont understand how to get past it

but also this is contributing to the overthinking (see that one post about how sometimes too much introspection is harmful) I'm trying to climb my way out of it

#its not about Skill this time its about perception and im struggling sooooo hard #i recognize a warped point of view i have but idk what to do next. #id discuss it here further bc its not just ''i hate my work u_u'' dis time but im trying not to rant anymore #anonymous #skunk mail #there was a comment i saw on a post abt losing joy for art that was like #at this point i feel i make art just for it to exist #and thats been my whole life....! i feel really weird about intent and emotion in work lately. and subject matter. and Worth. #it feels really weird. especially since lately im even losing that...! #lately when i look at traditional art its like. i cant make art just for it to exist actually. feels like theres no point #⬅️ this is not the elaboration btw theres smthng else ive been grappling with

[enden-k]

once in 3 months i make the mistake checking the like rb ratio and considering deleting my blog and just move to twt but this will pass right hahah just like my need to pull kirara hmmmmm

#sorry that my art isnt neat enough to be rb like fr im trying idk what else to do anymore hah #usually i dont care about this anymore but sometimes i rlly do make the mistake checking numbers and getting depressed about my skills #even tho i know that ppl rb my art doesnt say anything about my worth but damn it rlly is upsetting #anw #ill go play ts4 for the next 2 weeks now or smth idk bye lmaoo #personal #tbd #ignore me btw ill prob get over it quickly and jsut do my thing not looking again once i calmed down hah #anw thanks to the ppl who actually rb my stuff or leave kind words if it wasnt for u i prob would have stopped sharing my doodles long ago #so thanks for the support!!! <3

[nyxwoven]

.

#had a pretty bad breakdown yesterday #can't handle this job anymore #woke up feeling tired and defeated #trying to shake it off but im dreading the phone calls so fucking badly #i know i needed this job but i shouldn't have taken it. i feel so stupid #and i feel so stupid bc i do have a decent amount of time to do whatever i want and i like MOST of my job #but i can't handle the constant yelling #i feel weak. ive tried my whole life to not be intimidated by yelling or people being mean but i just. break #and I'm gonna try to find a new job but we're down to one car so it pretty much has to be something remote #and it took me a whole year to even find this job. i applied to so many places last year and i only got three interviews and one job offer #really wondering wtf is wrong with me that I can't find a job worth doing #especially when i have friends who have similar experience to me who have gotten the first fucking job they wanted #fuck

[the-kipsabian]

would appreciate someone telling me my fic writing efforts are not completely in vain or whatever

#im trying. it just feels so meaningless #i dont even know if this fic will ever get posted cause im just so done with the disappointments #but the urge to write hit and i got down like a 100 words before the negative bad doubtful brain got to me again and just. yeah #is this really worth it? i honestly dont know anymore #i should probably take a nap. i know i just feel worse afterwards but. ough #night is an absolute mess on main

[dykedivorce]

if any other bitch in konoha had been gay apart from sasuke none of this would have happened to my son naruto.

#pussy from the turbotron edgelord 3000 and his whole life went up in flame. NOT worth it #no but fr it's insane how he bamboozled every fan into thinking he was so interesting and cool and badass when . #at the point im at in shippuden hes by far the least interesting of the main characters. one track mind (vengeance) and no depth beyond that #like the other characters rn : sakura coming in to her own ; finding her path and her strength + sharing a connection so deep with naruto #over their common loss that they both just Know although they absolutely cant talk about it #yamato: the only survivor of orochimaru's monstrous experiments on children; kakashi's stand in thats so different from kakashi #it makes you wonder what it would have been like with him as their teacher from the start; #a mystery thats clearly trying his best but whose mission truly is A Lot #SAI: A BRAINWASHED SPY A PAWN FOR A SECRET ORGANISATION WHO CLINGS TO HIS HUMANITY NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES HES BEEN PUNISHED FOR IT #WHO FELL IN LOVE WITH NARUTO FOR MAKING HIM REALIZE HOW DEEP THINGS COULD BE FELT AND HOW DEEP RELATIONSHIPS COULD RUN #WHO HAS BEEN DRAWING A BOOK FOR HIS DEAD BROTHER FOR YEARS EVEN IF HE'S FORGOTTEN WHAT HIS BROTHER LOOKS LIKE #WHO DECIDED TO SPARE SASUKE BECAUSE HE'S LOVED. WHO JUST WANTS TO LEARN HOW TO LIVE A HUMAN LIFE. #MOST AUTISTIC CODED CHARACTER OF ALL TIMES HAS NEVER SUCCESSFULLY MASKED A DAY IN HIS LIFE. #sasuke: sasuke #anyway. im not touching on naruto because i could be here for days #BUT while sasuke on his own so far is very whatever. the narusasu dynamic is truly one for the ages #bc i just saw the ep where sasuke manages to see kyuubi inside naruto and wooshes him away and it's very like. #oh so hes literally seeing naruto's demons and banishing them even as hes telling naruto they dont matter to each other anymore. #oh ok cool cool cool cool this feels normal and not something to obsess over #jesus christ why am i typing all this. who here cares #naruto thoughts

[malka-lisitsa]

#Rough day. Rough week. Rough couple of months. #Today feels especially bad. I feel like im evil for having feelings #I feel like im way too much for everyone. #I feel like its just so fucking easy for people to decide im not worth it anymore #I feel like i mean so little to some people that they dont give a fuck how i feel #that i dont deserve an explanation #that i just deserve to be tossed aside without knowing what i even did #I should be used to loneliness by now its like a second skin #and yet it never feels any better gripping my throat #maybe thats why i like that so much because at least then i understand why i cant breathe #I dont know. I just feel like im so easily tossed aside no matter how hard I do or dont try. #im the simple answer the one you can always throw overboard. #im expendable and outlive my usefulness quickly i guess. #it happens so fucking often. Tell me why it still hurts so badly...

[ozlices]

the thing abt the whole 'ull stop caring what others think of u one day' line is that it's v misleading in how it's typically worded. bc in all honesty, the older i get, i HAVE started to care less & less what ppl think of me.

but, like, it's not been a magical awakening that i woke up with one day. it's a mentality i've had to actively work on. & build up over time.

& i've only been able to do that by understanding who i am as a person, & honing in on what i stand for & stand against.

& through working on those things, i've been able to start working on caring less when someone perceives me otherwise. because, at that point, it's not me they're perceiving. i'm not gonna change the mind of someone who is actively choosing to perceive me as something i'm not. & it's not my responsibility nor problem.

so, like. yeah. you do learn to stop caring abt what others think of u. but, that's the thing. it's something you learn. it's something you have to work on. it's a mentality you have to build. & it's something that, like any other lesson, can be faltered with at times.

but, it's just. part of being human, i guess.

#mine #idk what this is it's almost midnight & im reflecting on this past year ig. #just been talking w the others in the headspace & we're like #wow yeah like unless we do smth genuinely wrong & cause harm then like... #actually we dont give a single fuck what other ppl think anymore. #this year has ripped us all to absolute shreds. & SO fucking much of that has come from ppl hurting us #by perceiving us so far beyond who we actually are. #idc anymore. im just trying to survive. whatever way i can. w whatever makes it even the tiniest bit easier. #the people who are worth my time & energy are loving & understanding. even when i do fuck up. #the people who only intend to use me for whatever reason are the only ones who give me any slack #they're not fucking worth wasting any more of myself than they've already taken. #keep that shit. it's not me anymore. if it ever was. #idc.

[readandwritesilver]

i just want to mention this really fast, bcs i've been getting a lot of fic requests recently (i assume because i've been a lot more consistently active the past few weeks than i have been in about a year or two, tho i'm still a bit confused because my bio does still say that im on indefinite hiatus and u have to click past that to send me an ask😭 idk) but i still really have no significant plans to start writing fic again, possibly ever !? it's something that brought me a lot of joy, and i do love to write (i actually spent my senior year writing a whole entire play, that i then directed a performance of for a play festival in my country, as well as a bunch of other stuff including a piece for a magazine in my city😁 so ive been busy lol), but to be honest i had been getting really burned out for a long time, and then a bunch of things happened in my life and i just really didn't have time, and by the time i did have time anymore the inspiration for it was just gone😭. i'm still very proud of a lot of things that i wrote, and i actually went through my Ao3 profile like six or so months ago and took about 20 or so works out of the anonymous collection so that my name would be attached to those as well, so pretty much everything i wrote from 2020-2022 is still very much available and i have 0 intention of changing that. im soooooo forever grateful to all the people that were so lovely to me while i was building my skill during that time. i know fanfic is kinda silly as a concept but like. all that writing stuff IRL that i was just talking about ?? i NEVER would have had the confidence to do that without all the feedback i spent the years leading up to it receiving. love u all, and deepest apologies to the sweet people who are still trusting me with requests for the stories they want to read, but i really don't think i'm coming back to it anytime soon<3

#like for what it's worth i actually have been trying to come back to it #im on my gap year rn and i have just all the time in the world to write #so i tried to get back into READING fanfic first (also have rlly not done that since like feb 2022) because i figured in turn that would #inspire me because i always was writing the most at times when i was reading the most #i think maybe because i was writing what i wanted to see but could never find in a way that satisfied me #and honestly i just cant find the energy for that either #and not even in a like im depressed way just like in like a #sorry i havent been posting recently i started taking mood stablizers and idc about bts anymore type of way #ben talks #ben writes

[cetoddle]

i just literally genuinely whole heartedly don’t care about anything anymore

#i feel so empty #like idk how to express this without sounding edgy #but i know i have no future i know there is no hope for me none whatsoever #i’ll always be this miserable #so it doesn’t seem worth the effort to even try anymore #im just done. like i’m so completely over it all #i truly believe i’m not meant to be here anymore i mean i could stick around #but what’s the point? spending however many more years in misery? completely suffering? #why would i want that #it doesn’t get better. it really does not. so i’m tired of trying #snow.txt

[roachemoji]

can someone put out A hit on me but instead of killing me they just come and hold me. a hired thug for a hired hug

#bo posting #vent #i am upset about things i cant articulate #or feel its worth even trying to #and thaf hurts more #to feel like its not even worth it bc i know it wont change anytbing #and i cant sleep bc of it #😄👍😁🥰😀🙂☺️ #theres too many things that i fewl that way about #to a point i cant even talk to my therapist about it #bc whats the point? #and the more i think about one the more i think about all the others #that affect me current and ones that dont matter anymore #bc the ppl theyre about arent even in my life anymore #im tired if shouldering the blame for never being able to talk about shit #with anyone #when ive done so much to learn how to communicate differently and better? #but it just feels harder. and not worth it. bc the results havr always been the same #and i think i will always feel like its my fault i feel misunderstood #or dismissed. or not taken seriously. or seen as overreacting #i dont know if ill ever feel safe. seen. and heard #and i dont know if thats just because of me and my perception of my life and others #or actually bc of other people's behaviour #🤪 #i cant even elaborate on what im specifically upset about because its not 1 thing #its just everything #and ik its bc its 6am and i was woken up and cant sleep bc im anxious and upset #but its keeping me from fixing this. by aleeping. bc i cant sleep

[girlwithfish]

ugh moving is soo much work

#have to unload the uhaul tmrw NOT HAPPY #my back is killing me too #at least its just moving stuff #i was getting soo overwhelmed w just like clutter and nog knowing where to put stuff when i was packing shit up #it took us 2 hrs to pack and move eberything #and now all my shits gonna get dusty ans gross sitting in the garage for however long #at least i have my clothes n cds #its just a lot #and i wanna clean out the room in my parents house cuz its just shit i left behijd when i was 17-18 #Not rly cleaned out just stuff i dont need or have use for anymore #So its like even more clutter #so that i can put my actual stuff in my room ig idk #SO MUCH!!!! #Im just gonna throw shit in bags and donate it or maybe try to #sell some books or clothes that might be worth smth but likely not #i have a lott of ya and childrens books i dont need or want anymore #🫡 Things overwhelm nme #me #its why moving js my worst nightmare lol

[bunnihearted]

i am once again slowly being driven crazy by my pms cravings vs the inability to eat anything. when this is over im prob gonna eat multiple chocolate bars like a starving beast fr fr

#complaining again bc im soooooo hungry #but not only hungry when i get my pms cravings i just crave everything and anything so bad #im going crazy #im so tempted to just steal my mom's peanut butter jar and eat all of it #but i know i'll get an attack and extreme abdominal pain so i wont #when i cant eat bc it physically hurts i get so crazy like i even crave to stuff my face w spinach!!!!! or ohh #it doesnt help that i never feel full bc i can basically only eat grains :D no other sustenance grrrrrr #ok im gnna go back to trying not to think abt it anymore but it's hard #esp since it's christmas soon :((( oatmeal on christmas yayyyy. no chocolate :((( #a life without chocolate isnt a life worth living IM BEING SERIOUS.

[plushie-lovey]

Resisting the urge to try and buy a Vaporeon build a bear on ebay

#I haven't even started checking listings but ik it's gonna be expensive as hell #I think my local BAB has them in stock #amd recently I've been so tempted to shop in there for other plushies too #but I don't wanna seem like a hypocrite #because of that one BAB post I made about not wanting to support them directly #but ik I'm also allowed to change my opinion but I still kinda feel the same #because I still think the company itself sucks but what company doesn't anymore except like lego maybe #I'm very conflicted about it so rn Im gonna try and stick to second shopping #but if I do settle on wanting Vaporeon I may cave and go to my local store #because paying scalper prices is not worth keeping up my dislike of the build a bear company over #like thats not a hill I'm going to die on its not that serious #if anything I think scalping is a slightly bigger issue than what BAB has going on #I can't do shit about what a big ass company/corporation does but I'll be damned if I feed into the greed of scalpers #like if I don't shop at BAB directly it doesn't do shit tp them but if I buy from a scalper it encourages them to keep doing what they do #yknow? #sorry for this weird rant lol #viti shoosh

[killsaki]

i hate how uncool social media has become in the way that everyone is trying to be cool. why do people need to “boycott” perfectly good products that could be donated to people in need—by mass buying them and destroying them on video, or why do we film strangers in public, harassing them and then getting angry and painting them to be a horrible person online for millions of people to see when they just wanted to be left alone. in public. but this also includes the platforms themselves. kinda wish that they would just shut up and make their apps function. make them easier to use, add more settings for how we want to navigate our time on the apps. why does twitter come out with a new “feature” every week? why does instagram and facebook to copy every single other app in existence? why do these people think that fucking pinterest and tiktok are so popular? because they keep the same format, they keep their apps usable, and they don’t add unnecessary shit every 5 seconds.

#star speaks. #unnecessary rant #i just #I LOVE BEING ON MY PHONE ! and meeting people and talking to people i would otherwise never have a chance to #i love connecting with people over shared interests and blossoming friendships and and and #i can’t even use some of these fucking apps anymore because every time i open them im prompted to update it #and then i can’t even fucking use it because it either 1 had some stupid bug 2 used too much storage and is now slow as shit or #3 is now entirely too confusing and no longer worth the effort #and and ! i keep seeing videos of these ‘street interviewers’ harassing people. #i saw one asking a CHILD if he knew who a p^rn star was and then bought him whatever he wanted because he did know #she then proceeded to ask him a bunch of stuff like ‘oh how do you know her? do you watch her a lot?’ #and another guy who was trying to talk to people in crowd in NY and kept tapping the shoulder of #a woman who was visibly wearing a hearing aid AND had her friends signing to her #they called her a racist because he was black and she was white and it????? she’s literally just standing there #she can’t see what her friends are saying because you’re HARASSING HER #to delete.