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mirrortouchedsea · 10 months

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Everyone tells me to just stay the same (but it's not like that)

Word count: 1640

Summary: Hinata finally decides to tell Rinne about his past at Yumenosaki. CW for Setsubun mentions, identity issues, and mentions of abuse

Read on AO3

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Hinata isn’t entirely sure what compels him to send a message to the leader of Crazy:B. Rinne Amagi had a habit of doting on him and treating him like another younger brother, which he knew Yuta wasn’t a big fan of. Yuta would often call Rinne a bad influence on Hinata, but Rinne was also one of the only people who treated him like a normal kid.

It was kind of addicting in a way. It wasn’t just Rinne who had treated him like that either. The rest of Crazy:B had taken him in as one of their juniors (despite the fact that Kohaku was younger than Hinata) and Alkaloid, or at least Hiiro, had taken a liking to him as well. He treasured those nights that he spent with Niki and Hiiro playing video games and snacking on homemade sweets late into the night.

Maybe it shouldn’t have been surprising that the first person he texted was Rinne on the anniversary of Setsubun. It had only been a year and yet it felt so much longer than that. He was grateful that the year since then had been filled with smiles and warmth, much more than years previous had been. The Amagi brothers were partially responsible for that change in his life.

Rinne responded quickly and asked if he’s alright since he doesn’t normally send cryptic messages like this in the middle of the day. He said he’ll be there in 15 minutes after debriefing with his unit.

Hinata didn’t bother replying to that, instead opting to just tell Rinne everything when he gets to the rooftop garden with him. He needed to figure out exactly what he wanted to tell Rinne anyway. It’s not in the older man’s nature to judge people based on things they can’t control, and he would understand a lot of Hinata’s own problems…probably. Rinne also wasn’t fond of showing weakness in front of other people.

Hinata sat at the edge of the garden, towards the back. Being so high up reminded him of that day, but this was almost cathartic in a way. He was in a better place now, with people who didn’t know about that incident at all and cared for him as his own person. As much as he knew Yuta didn’t like the nickname Rinne gave him, it was a comfort for Hinata.

Hina, such a simple nickname and yet it was a breath of fresh air, a new start, and here he was about to change everything. He just hoped that Rinne wouldn’t change how he talked with Hinata afterwards.

Hinata was dangling his feet over the edge, looking down at the bustling street below when Rinne finally sat beside him.

“What’s up, Hina? Somethin’ on your mind?” Rinne’s voice was gentle today, soft and even. Such a strange contrast to the Rinne most people knew.

“Mmm, you could say that,” he replied, not looking at the older man. “Rinne, have you ever felt like…people don’t see you for you?”

Rinne chuckled. “Every damn day Hina. Even back home…” he trailed off. Hinata knew not to push that topic.

The two of them were like peas in a pod in that sense.

Hinata laughed too. “Yeah, I knew you’d get it.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes, Rinne waiting patiently for Hinata to keep going and Hinata searching for the words to say. But just having someone else there helped keep him from spiraling too much.

“I just…feel like people wouldn’t miss me if I was gone, because they see me and Yuta-kun as the same person. It hurts a lot but I don’t know what to do about it because…I feel the same way. Like Yuta-kun and I are one person in two, but that’s not true anymore. I try to keep telling myself that we’re different but it’s hard to change how you think when it’s all you’ve ever known.

Yuta-kun has so many friends and is always laughing and smiling with them and I want to be like that too, but after ah…”

“After what, Hina?”

“After Setsubun fes, people started treating me like I would break at any moment. I’m not grandma’s fine china or anything that will break if you handle it too roughly! But everyone at Yumenosaki can’t seem to get past that video.”

Hinata still couldn’t look at Rinne, but he knew Rinne was confused. He hadn’t known about Setsubun at all. Of course he hadn’t, he didn’t go to school with them and was much too old to have been there at the same time as Hinata even if he had. It’s why he was drawn to him in the first place, along with his roommates, Niki and Hiiro.

“Ah, sorry. You don’t have any idea what I’m talking about, do you?”

“Not a clue.”

“Long story short, I had a mental breakdown on the roof of the school last year and…it was filmed and everyone at the school saw it. It’s not like I had much of a choice in the distribution either, so everyone was just watching me like I wasn’t a real person.”

Rinne moved a hand to Hinata’s back and began rubbing gentle circles between his shoulder blades. There were damp spots on Hinata’s cheeks. He rubbed his eyes with his hands balled up in fists. Why did his lowest moment have to be broadcast to everyone he knew? Why was it made to seem like a spectacle for people to watch and not do anything to help? Even after his monologue to his brother making it clear that he didn’t want to be treated like the same person anymore and not knowing how to distinguish himself without just moving into the background, nobody offered him help.

He was drowning in the unknown and it took the creation of ES and Crazy:B for him to find a lighthouse to guide him to somewhere safe. Even when Crazy:B was against the entire world, hated by everyone, Rinne and the other members never once hurt 2wink. After their collaboration at the nightclub Rinne had taken a liking to Hinata. He was there for him to lean on when he wasn’t sure about the direction of his unit or how to be a big brother or a good senior to the new first years or just how to navigate life.

At some point, Rinne had pulled Hinata into a side hug and just let him cry into his side. Hinata leaned into the touch and allowed himself to let it all out.

Rinne’s hugs were always warm.

It took several minutes of crying before Hinata ran out of tears. His sobs turned to sniffles and he pulled his legs to his chest.

“You didn’t deserve any of that, Hina.” Rinne’s voice was serious, but not cold. It was a warm honey-sweetened tea on a rainy day.

Another stretch of silence. Hinata’s head was spinning and numb and full of cotton.

“But…I know how it feels. When I was younger, I had to keep my emotions in check, especially in front of other people. Any sign of weakness was always punished by my father. ‘A good leader doesn’t cry’ he would tell me.

When my mom died, I was…eight or nine. I couldn’t cry at her funeral and when we returned home I just couldn’t hold it in anymore. I’ll spare you the details but he punished me severely. I never wanted Hiiro-kun to see me like that again and I made myself stop feeling. It felt like I was just there to be the next leader of the village, never allowed to be myself.

What I’m tryin’ to say here is that I get it. I know how it feels for people to try and put you in a box that doesn’t fit, and how they treat you when you finally break. It’s okay to be frustrated and angry that it happened, but you can’t let it consume you. Show the world that Hinata Aoi is his own person, that you aren’t just that video and that you’re here to stay.”

Hinata sniffled and leaned more into Rinne’s touch.

“Thanks, Rinne-senpai. It means a lot, heh. I guess we all have our own burdens to carry.”

“Yeah. Life is about learning to carry them and not let them drag you down. If it gets too heavy, I’ll be there to pick you back up and carry it for you.”

“You don’t have to go that far, Rinne-senpai. How will I learn to carry my burdens if you take them for yourself? Wouldn’t that just make it heavier on you?”

“I’ll take on everyone’s burdens if it means they get to smile just for one moment. I’ll fight fate itself if that’s what it takes.”

“I’m not sure why, but I believe that you would find a way to do that, even though most people would say it’s impossible.”

“Thanks for believing in me, Hina.”

Hinata laughed, Rinne lightened the mood just enough that he felt like everything was at peace for the moment. His cheeks were stained with tears and his eyes would be puffy and red when he returned to the dorm, but at least he’d be smiling.

Even if the world was against them, Hinata could count on Rinne at least being in their corner no matter what. Rinne was a lighthouse to people like Hinata, a steady light in the rocky ocean saying that someone is there, watching out for you.

Despite the front that he put up and how he had a bad habit of pushing people away, Rinne was always there when it mattered.

Hinata fell asleep curled up on the rooftop as Rinne hummed a gentle melody from his hometown. And everything was right with the world.

#shay writes #enstars #ensemble stars #hinata aoi #rinne amagi #aoi hinata #amagi rinne #dont tag as ship #i think about them too much. have you seen my meta post on main? have you?#this is based on that. ugh theyre so.#i read setsubun a month ago and then reread night club and i was like. oh this make so much sense #why hinata feels kinda distant from the other characters sometimes #the kid just wants to be normal but he really cant after setsubun huh.#and then you get these new guys who know nothing. and well. second chance.#also i felt like rinne was too direct but also i considered that like. 1) hinata doesnt need stupid riddles and games right now and 2)#rinne was very straight forward with hiiro in the main story so i think he can be up front about this stuff when he knows the situation #calls for it. so i think this is fine. its good. big bro rinne means so much to me do u understand #also he gives the warmest hugs. not necessarily the gentlest or anything but theyre very warm. to me #anywayyyyyyyyyy tag ramble over im waiting for an email from my loan provider #biting and maiming i need to pay my student loans please please please #okay im doneeeeeeee im done i'll cross post this to ao3 in a bit

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izzy-b-hands · 5 months

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today should be a t break day

bc I'll need it to be more effective in the coming days if we see family, and then I'll have the survey shifts

but since late last night i keep randomly nearly breaking into tears and thinking abt the stupidest shit that needs to stay in the box in my brain

so idk. maybe it will be. it is thus far. but I'm not leaving my room without a container of some edible or another in my pocket either

#text post #no idea where the fuck this came from and it kept me up until fucking four in the fucking morning #but only NEARLY crying my body/brain still won't let me FULLY cry #and i did email my prior doc with a 'can i ask u just abt this one current symptom and if it is abt what i think & ill send u 20 bucks even'#she said no to the twenty bucks but said yeah it does sound like my ptsd has been triggered by multiple things over the last year #and the not being able to cry is a part of it. my body's trying to protect me from feeling anything abt it and breaking down #and part of that means not letting the tears fall so there's no physical acknowledgement of any feelings #which is what i was thinking was going on but it's nice to confirm it with someone who knows their shit #doesn't fix it but at least i know.#the thing is that the triggers are like. good? bc im in a healthier safer environment now with ppl that don't do what my mum & fam do to me #but it means my brain is learning just how much of a lot of it Wasn't Normal and was actually Pretty Harmful and that's.#i want my brain to just accept and get over that already tbh. okay so that's the case it doesn't change anything????#why are we still thinking abt it and having feelings over it at this point bc that feels like a waste of time #there are no apologies I'll get for things that happened from when i was younger and there's no closure it just Is What It Is #I'm tired of even wanting to cry over it when I'd rather be throwing myself into making money & being productive art-wise #it manages to interrupt so many fucking facets of my life like #whatever. anyway considering a music au new draft where ed and izzy meet seth. and immediately offer to kill him for Pickles aksnsjfnfgj

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batz · 1 year

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my bday wish is healing frm top surgery sooner PLS

#dealing w a Lot of complications bc my surgeon is weird abt giving native ppl antibiotics BUT #im gonna b referred to Another top surgeon just for help w the seroma n the infection -_-#hes a LOT more responsive and they actually respond to my emails And told me it was v weird i was initially refused antibiotics post-op so!#at least my current set of doctors r better!#i mean the results og the top surgery r good everything looks gr8 just. hes not a nice surgeon ig. and ths happened to others too so its #just a Thing #tbh it makes me v sad but im still happy w the results! just sad tht i was told infection and fever were Normal ans then #was ignored post op by my surgeons office.#I MEAN things r better now but im just bummed out that i had to deal with a shitty doctor for my tpp surgery too #oh well im just relaxing n ya..#frank.txt #all my shirts look so epic on me tho OUGH #and im no longer feverish n vomming 24/7 bc im on heavy duty antibiotics so yippeeee

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todayisafridaynight · 3 months

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I found the Jo ask I wanted to send after an aeon of scrolling but I have decided there is no point in speculating for that many words when the game is just about to come out so <:) I will see what I can salvage from there after we've seen everything there is to see with Jo <:) SO fucking excited to play this with you dude.........

While the stream I watched Wasn't A Good Stream and so I've only seen him very briefly in three scenes (in which he had One spoken line), the little bits of context I got from other characters talking about him has me ESPECIALLY hyped to see what you think :))))) I will leave it at that... for now...

Also this blown-out indistinct pic of Arakawa in someone's review funny as hell to me because it's the only time I've personally seen him since the image my profile pic was based on God Bless... I know there's clips but CAN'T WAIT for this scene in full with context

bro IM so stoked to finally be able to play this game soon AAAA i was wonderin what you were gon say. Prior To Release BUT theres always time to discuss the game ... esp now that it almost out 👁️👁️ very excited to see how jo's going to play out in this game like TRULY what is his deal 👁️👁️👁️

this pic makin me laugh why does it look like an ace attorney cgi jALKAELVJ BUT Y EAH NO from the clips of arakawa ive seen.... 👁️👁️👁️👁️👁️👁️ i CANNOT play this game ANY SOONER like PLEAAASE i MUST see the full scenes and contexts and everythin...

#snap chats #rgg got a lotta balls for killin off a dude and then bringing him back via flashbacks like ouuugh you evil FUCKS #the few bits i saw of him were SOOOO good tho omg......... i prommy to be normal bout it when i get to it in-game i swear </3 #JUST. UGH CAN THE GAME GET HERE ALREADY #im so scared my copy wont arrive on time just cause thats how things turn out for me #plus i dont think gamestop sent my bro an update email <- bought the game with his account #soooooo Fear <3 i'll get it eventually .... i hope ......

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arthur-r · 7 months

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falling asleep worked i did it for three hours. now what i’m still tired i just also wasted the day and looked stupid to my roommate….

#like im glad i slept but also. same problems as before #although my french teacher emailed me back said i should go to office hours. which is a proper response to my email #wikipedia guy texted me back with details like an hour after i texted but also like two or three hours ago #gonna settle the score by bringing a $20 bill tomorrow then i won’t feel so weird and guilty #but no i feel so fucking stupid and gross for like. i was crying so close to my roommate so i had to fall asleep #or else i’d be standing up with tears in my eyes next to my roommate which is worse #but i just. i dont know. like he thinks i’m just lazy. i’m always asleep i never tell him why #i dont know. good morning i hope everyone is doing well #there are two people i usually get dinner with and one is out of town and the other i think his parents are here and also things are weird #translation things aren’t weird i’m just weird and feel guilty for being such a weird person #anyway i just. college?? what am i doing here????#i talked to my mom this morning she says that she felt the same way during college and that she should have dropped out way earlier #which. not helpful?? what do i do after i drop out?? i am someone who can’t hold a normal part time job and my only HOPE is ending up being #i mean anything really just something that requires a lot of prior experience!!#and the college is paying me really good to go to school but only if i stay full time #so i cant just lower my course load because that will actually make everything worse instead of better #idk. going to french teachers office hours tomorrow and will figure out time for linguistics teacher too and will get my LIS grade back up #(that one is just simple that one is i missed two discussion posts but there are ten more to come and also tests and stuff. i’ll be ok)#idk. and i still want to go to my LIS teachers office hours and ask how he became professor of rare books print culture and information bias #that is a good set of things to be a scholar for. and he’s curating collections at the same time as being my teacher #so idk. professors don’t seem as stupid and uppity as they used to. and i think i want to do that someday #plus with the salary jump from librarian i can feasibly become a major donor to local libraries to keep that influence around shdhdf #(although. if i get paid by the school (!!) to get a phd in print culture who says i don’t become a fancy librarian with that??)#i dont know. this is so stupid because i get so excited about the prospects and then i go back to the present and i’m flunking out of school #my grades haven’t been this bad since the height of COVID i thought something about me had gotten better but apparently not #like literally who went and made me traumatized?? why did you have to do that?? now i can’t be a normal person?? shut up!!!!#idk. just feel like if i weren’t having panic attacks about the fact that people are safe and kind here (and therefore must be hiding their #true intentions and taking advantage of me) then maybe i would have remembered to take my french test #idk. i’m tired and want to go home. sorry for venting all day i hope everyone is doing okay #vent cw

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inyoursheets · 1 year

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losing my fucking mind bc @mrslackles is back AND updated my favorite fic AND is back!!!!!!!!!!!

I TOLD YOU I NEVER LOSE HOPE

did i mention she’s back???

#im being so normal about this #cant believe i found out through email #thank u ao3 i guess #IM LOSING MY FUCKING MIND!!!!!!!!!!!#in a totally chill no pressure kind of way #seriously i really needed some good news this week and she DELIVERED #cant wait to read the new chapter #cant wait to rip my heart out through fic again #mrslackles

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astyrra · 10 months

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why does every single government job application require some kind of extra writing (ive seen 300 words to “up to four pages”). literally who has time to read all that. i am applying to entry level jobs

#ALSO just discovered that theres a separate site for national gov jobs vs my state gov jobs.#good news is i have more jobs i can apply to bad news is i only just learned this after like 2 years of job searching aaauauauurrrgghgh #i am DESPERATELY hoping i get the job i applied for that i seem to actually be getting somehwere with #its ALSO a governemtn job so i did an interview in like early may and im still waiting #like. they havent forgotten about me. i get weekly emails. apparently its just taking ages #(aka normal public service time. really feels like theyre making work for themselves)

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seilon · 8 months

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jesus christ I feel like shit

#thank god for testosterone making me unable to cry like a normal person because I sure would be otherwise #im as close as I can get to it pretty much #cant wait for my mom to get back today or tomorrow and ask me when I start the new job and I’ll just have to say oh yeah :) they never #called back actually :) haha #I know they made it sound close to certain but lol guess not!#kibumblabs #i fucking hate this I hate getting invested in anything and putting in time and effort into shit just to get fucking spat on #just emailed the general hotel email but I doubt that’ll do anything. anything good anyway #cause the restaraunt/club is managed seperately I’ll probably just get the runaround or a ‘I’ll let her know you contacted us’ which #literally never actually means anything #either that or I’ll just be rejected indirectly which won’t exactly make me feel. better #I also applied for the 8000th time to another place for a similar job but I’ve never had luck with this place so that’ll probably also #result in nothing #woohoo it’s fucking September and we’re still stuck at fucking square one! hahaahaahahahaah SO cool #for real it should actually be a fucking legal requirement to give your applicants/interviewees some form of follow-up. it’s just so #fucking degrading to try and follow-up and just being ghosted. like what’s the point of that #it feels simultaneously like rejection and being strung along at the same time. i talked to you in person the least you could do is give #me any kind of update. for the love of god

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sanchoyo · 9 months

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i hate fictional characters I see a mf I have gender envy for wearing something and my materialistic ass is like . well now I NEED knee high gaiters for fashion reasons. like are you crazy wtf are u talking abt what century is this. calm down 🔫

#gaiters and spats are just legwarmers for drama mascs send tweet #or theater/reenactment nerds i guess but i am NOT one of those btw im just Stylin #i havent been lately ive been living in pjs for months. i ...have not been on my Stylin Game oof :/#also the only webbedsite that has gaiters that long in the style i want charge 60$ for them LOL #n the buttons arent cute so id have to put in the effort to REPLACE those and that would be ANNOYING #dear gods please give me a sewing machine and supplies . or a sugar mama. ive been so good (lie) i deserve it (true)#im tired of being POOR i miss BUYING RANDOM SHIT FOR MYSELF can one of the jobs i appied for EMAIL ME BACK......#i need to pay my debt so i can . save money up. then perhaps. get gaiters (normal thing to want)#KJSDHFKHJK #NOT sports or nature hiking gaiters. the fuckin....historical ones. NOT CAMO...#SIGH #sanchoyorambles #i need little treats i NEED THEM #im like one breakdown away from saying fuck it im in debt already anyway whats a couple hundo more on my credy card 🤪 JKSHDJK

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this-doesnt-endd · 11 months

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I also got a bloody nose while waiting in line at macys and i was sniffling tryna get thru the transaction and sat on the bench holding tissue to my nose, blood on my face cause i had to hold my nose with my palm at one point and got it on my face while my mom went to find tissue or something and it made me so tired and dizzy i almost threw up and almost fell over in another store and ended my day with 15min left in the mall where in which i had to sit down and accept defeat

#sorry if it sounds kinda whiney #but like this is my blog my diary so i get to be #but also like i treasure a good mall day with my mom its just like my fave thing #and it went exactly how i didnt want it to go #and my dehydrated little brain fried itself when i had to deviate from my plan and routine #like we always go to f21 and go to the top floor to look at clearence and everyone mumbled aroune the ground floor #and in my head i was like no!! we arent following the rules!! stop!! this isnt how you properly go to the mall!#im not gonna get an A in going to the mall which is normal to want and achive #and then we went into hot topic which is thr size of a large book closet and my cousi. walked near me and was like ur still here?#girl what do you mean im still here we've only been in here 20min im in the other corner 15 steps away from you #also the cashier lady at macys somehow knew my last name? even tho i didnt give an email or a phone number to my reccolection?#she handed me my stuff as i was on the phone with my mom being like hey pls find tissues asap and she saif have a nice day miss last name #and it threw me off but i was preoccupied trying not to have an bloody nose in the macys since the one on friday was horrendous #and it was all dripping down the back of my throat i ended up spitting it out in the thrashcan by the exit #but like how did she know? cause i have the like point account but i didnt give it to her does my card info popup on screen?#is my card like linked somehow and i popped up that way idk it was weird #but i got a v e r y nice shirt for 10 bucks #i did give her my zipcode so maybe that?

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dragons-and-yellow-roses · 1 year

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Okay uh how do you prepare for an interview that's not like, your basic interview. This isn't a Walmart or McDonald's interview, with the same basic questions online that anyone can access. This is an important interview and I don't know how to prepare because there aren't example questions online. I had an interview for this organization last year, different branch tho, but my memory is a disaster so I can't really remember anything. Plus, that interviewer and this interviewer have very different energies. AND I have a different interview for that same organization, just a different branch, coming up too.

I made that confusing.

I'm applying for an organization with branches all over. Last year I interviewed for the California branch, but I can't remember much of it. On Monday I have an interview for a Pennsylvania branch, and on Wednesday an interview for... I can't remember where it is tbh.

The Pennsylvania one is the one that I really really want, so it scares me that it's the first one up. Do you know how long it's been since I've interviewed for a job? It's been *tries and fails to count months* idk like a year? And that was for Starbucks. Customer service jobs all recycle the same questions. "Tell me about a time you delegated. Tell me about a time you dealt with a difficult situation. If a customer was dissatisfied with their order, what would you do to fix it?" And at this point in time, customer service jobs are barely asking any questions. At one of my last jobs he just asked about my previous work experience, why I wanted to work there, how long I was looking to work there, he gave me a tour, asked if I wanted to work there, I said yes, I was hired on the spot.

I had an interview at one Starbucks and she told me they weren't really hiring (idk why she gave me an interview but it was still nice), but we talked about my ambitions and hobbies, which was lit, I found out the interviewer is gay, and I got a free drink. Then she recommended me to a different Starbucks in the area, which actually asked me those normal basic questions, I got a free drink, and I was hired on the spot. Those were my latest interview experiences.

I'm a little hopeful for my interview on Monday though. In the email, the interviewer said "I'd like to find a time to have a conversation with you as an "interview"" and since he phrased it like that I'm hoping that it'll be more like my first Starbucks interview, which is easy.

Idk I think I really want that job. It's a huge opportunity but also a huge commitment. It'd be a year, across the country from where I currently live. It sounds like an amazing opportunity for me. Last year when I applied I asked an old teacher to be a reference, and she said that it seemed like the opportunity and I were made for each other. Plus, this location is just an hour away from my sibling.

This post became a lot longer than I thought I would. Interview on Monday. Different interview on Wednesday. I don't know how to prepare for either. I really want the job. I am full of so much anxiety.

#I'm getting the anxiety shakes #Monday is going to be horrific #i have to wake up early (like 7:30am but normally Monday is a day i get to sleep in)#because the interview is at 9 and i have to do the interview over Google Meet #and i don't have wifi so i have to go to the local coffee shop to steal their wifi. i have to do this damn interview in a busy coffee shop #after that i need an emissions test. the place only does tests from 10 to noon #so after the interview i have to skedaddle to get an emissions test so i don't get pulled over again because my test is four months overdue #then i have to go so work!! i have to work from 3-11pm after all of that!!#i think i might actually die #seriously how do i prepare for this. i couldn't really prepare for the one last year either #i think i just showed up and hoped for the best #idek if i got hired because at the end she told me to email her within like two days if i changed my mind about working there #and i decided i didn't want to work there yet. so idek if i did well enough there to get hired #but now I'm pretty serious about wanting to work there. its terrifying but i think itd be good for me #i havent gone to college yet and the idea of starting is very scary. im not even sure if its the right path for me #but because i dont have any college it means that my aspirations are severely limited and kind of always will be #so im stuck in fast food and i hate it. i want to do something bigger with my life #this is something bigger and it doesnt require a college education #there are decent opportunities for someone without a college education but theyre. idk how to describe it #but things like americorps. ive looked into doing americorps which i dont really need college for. same with this opportunity #idk. im just trying to find something right for me. a job that doesnt suck my soul out. a job i can love #i dont want to feel stuck anymore. i want to have a purpose. but that purpose is a little harder to come by for me #i asked my current boss to be a reference and he said 'are you asking me to be a reference for a job thatll take you away from here?'#i replied 'is it really a job if i dont really get paid?' and he said 'fair enough'#i think he took that to mean that i would still work at this job. thats why i was vague. i dont want him to know i might be leaving yet #if i left it would be late January. hopefully he wont know im leaving until two weeks before i leave #im so nervous. is this even what i want? ill have to give up so much for it. and what if i dont get it? ill still be stuck here #im terrified. wish me luck. or dont. im not sure yet

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