#I'm tired of fighting my mind

[barkingangelbaby]

I feel like such a broken fucking person lol

I talked way too much in the tags don't read them

#fighting off the ideation like my life depends on it!! bc it does!!! #been good about not thinking certain phrases but F U C K am i feeling it. i want to turn into a pile of dust #i am so desperately trying to work on myself and change my patterns and bad habits and perspective but it feels like i always fall short #i try not to talk about it online but I'm just. having a very hard day with N because we experience our feelings in different ways #i isolate myself bc i struggle with regulating my reactions and tones when im having an episode but she needs me to talk through things and #i sometimes just. can't. bc I'm not done experiencing the negativity and am not in a place to have a productive convo bc shame spirals etc #we just spent a long time talking and being patient and i thought i was understanding and explaining myself well but i just. idk. #i don't know how to explain that of course i love her even if I'm isolating myself. of course i love her although I'm nonverbal today. i jus #t can't *make* myself talk when I'm like this i don't want to be nonverbal i don't want to isolate i don't want to be a distant partner i do #n't want to fall back into these patterns related to my grief i want to be better i am trying to be better i am working so fucking hard on #being better. i just feel so defeated bc this all spiraled from me not wanting to decide what to get for lunch n using a poor tone about it #I'm about to talk with her some more but I just. kinda don't want to exist right now. fuck dude. it feels so fucking awful when i upset her #like i love her so much she is so important to me and it breaks my heart that our entire day is shot bc i was tired and cranky #i just don't understand how that equates to me not loving her bc she is my whole world dude. I'm going to throw up #i also don't know how to explain to her that scrolling on tumblr is comfortable to me I'm not ignoring her it's just the SM that i scroll on #like we're hanging out watching tv together I'm gonna scroll a little bit. it's just not insta or anything #idk my mind is scrambled I'm crying I just want to be a better person who can calmly communicate my thoughts and emotions #today has just beat my fucking ass dude. i isolate so those feelings don't get translated into my interactions with others #i don't even know what i typed in these tags I just don't want to off myself or think about it I'm fighting myself so much 2day #rAMbles

[acf6]

I fucking hate having abandonment issues like I think about someone for hours my thoughts switch from "It doesn't matter if they don't care about me I love them" to "If they don't care it must mean I'm not good enough for them and I should die" and vice versa every hour meanwhile said person doesn't really give a fuck about me cuz they have their own problem

#abandonment issues #i'm so lonely lmao #anxious attachment #personal vent #why dont i care about the people who care about me #i hate myself #attachment issues #vent #my mind is always fighting itself #im tired

[harrowharkwife]

it would be cool if talking to my mom could help me feel better for once instead of. making everything worse

#sometimes i get so violently jealous of people who have good relationships with their moms #and who can go to their mom with any problem and just get a hug and some good advice #or even just reassurance that it will be okay #like my mom came over for a couple hours and i literally told her yesterday about how depressed i am #and that it's really bad and that i need to go on antidepressants #so why tf did she think i was in any frame of mind to be nagged for two hours straight about logistics and plans for the future #like. i don't have any bandwidth right now!!! for anything!!! take the fucking hint!!! #i ended up bursting into tears and telling her to either knock it off or get out of my house and. well. she left! so #my dad is usually my supportive parent but he's dealing with such bad depression and burnout of his own rn #that i can't really go to him with anything cause he's at capacity and i don't want to stress him out #just. im tired I'm so fucking tired im exhausted there's too much to worry about and she came over and put like twenty more things #on my plate #and tried to pick fights #and i just. idk. i wish i could rely on her. but i can't and i know that and IDK why i keep trying #delete later

[wheelerthefroghere]

I can’t stop thinking about how when Will said that Mike clearly didn’t care about what he had to say because he only called a couple of times, Mike just didn’t defend himself well at all.

Mike’s response was “Then maybe you should’ve reached out more. I don’t know. But why is this on me? Why am I the bad guy?” And then when Will struggled to say anything back, Mike got this regretful little look on his face (actually a punch to my gut) and changed the subject. 

I wish I could get inside of his head during this moment because imagine what he had to be thinking. We know Mike called Will enough times to complain about the line always being busy to Dustin. And yet, when Will calls him out for not reaching out, Mike deflects instead of explaining his side. And I don’t know if he was embarrassed or just curious about why Will never called him, but it’s such an interesting way to handle this situation. 

Like, during this fight, Mike had to have realized that Will wasn’t intentionally ignoring his calls. This had to be the first time Mike figured out he wasn’t being 100% avoided, but it still didn’t explain to him why Will never tried reaching out to him more either. But then, when Will couldn’t answer his questions, Mike just folded. 

Part of me thinks he didn’t defend himself because he didn’t want to put it all on Will. He didn’t want to make Will the bad guy. Or, god, maybe he just didn’t want to hear Will’s reasoning. Like he assumed Will may have actually moved on from him even in this moment. I don’t know, but I’m telling you this scene crushes me every time I re watch it now. 

If there is a good analysis of Mike’s reaction during this scene in particular, please link it to me. 

#Byler #mike wheeler #Roller rink fight #Thinking out loud #I'm too tired to think hard about this #It's just on my mind

[thimbell]

here are my dumb apple headcannons for all the turtles because i need a break from being horrible to them:

Raph: Fuji apple- he's not really an apple guy, but if he had to choose, they're really sweet and just the right amount of crisp for him. They're also one of his favorite shades of red.

Leo: Granny smith- they're the same green as him, he actually really likes tart things, and it annoys all his brothers— what's not to love?

Mikey: Honey Crisp- sorta hard to choose, it depends on what you're making/how you're eating it, but mikey did his research and knows that the best snacking apple is honey crisp

Donnie: Excuse you he's a super genius, he has no need for your store-bought, "main-stream" varieties that have no— it's red delicious. He likes Red Delicious apples. They're perfectly mild and has such interesting origins, but knows he'd never hear the end of it from his brothers for liking "the worst apple"... at least until he shows them the very interesting powerpoint presentation he made on why red delicious apples are actually the best.

#thimbell is saying dumb stuff again #i needed a break from being horrible to the boys in all my other on going projects #Also granny smith is best apple i will throw down so hard over this /j #Don't mind me i'm just tired and feeling silly #I'm here to start fights and casually leave the looneytunes dustcloud that kicks up from the brawl/j

[novella-lover]

I wish I loved From Blood and Ash by JLA, but it doesn’t hit for me. 

They marketed the book as a “fantasy bodyguard romance, forbidden love” etc. And I was sold! So I picked up fbaa and was thoroughly heartbroken the longer I read it. All the inconsistencies, goofy banter, filler (it needed a ton of editing, sorry), on top of the excessive info-dumping for the world building, AND I could NOT get behind the cringe MMC/LI, which made this book a 2/5 stars for me. And I felt that was a generous rating but then someone roasted me on goodreads for posting my review.

Recently, I started the 2nd book because my friend said it gets better but I stopped. Maybe this series just really isn’t my thing. 

Sigh.

#my fault for buying a book claiming to be a body-guard romance #.....twas not #and it was too predictable to be enjoyed #i usually dont mind but this one hurt my soul #Kieran or however you spell it was great but... #its a nah for me dog #books #anti fbaa #*sad trombone noise* #ALSO not looking for a fight so scroll if you get mad I'm too tired to argue #me talking to the void #• ​g reviews books • #from blood and ash #anti from blood and ash

[royalarchivist]

hey, can u not censor swear words in ur transcripts, heres a post explaining why

but in short: its considered ableist and infantilizing to censor anything in transcripts, especially swear words, cause not only are you giving hoh and deaf ppl a different experience from hearing ppl, but ur also infantilizing them by disallowing them from hearing something as simple as the words "fuck" and "shit"

deaf and hoh ppl are not innocent lil pwecious uwu soft beans and have just as much rights to hear swear words as hearing ppl, and by censoring swear words ur just being ableist, infantilizing and disrespectful

so yea, when it comes to transcripts do. not. censor. a. single. word. nobody cares if censoring words its a part of ur typing style or if its uncomfortable to fully type out swear words, accessibility for disabled people should always, always, ALWAYS come first before ur typing style

I've responded to something similar in the past, but I know there are a lot of new folks that have followed recently and things tend to get buried on the blog, so it's worth reiterating.

I do agree that there are a lot of issues with subtitling and transcriptions in media, especially in the past few years, and I'm glad we're seeing more conversations about it, particularly after this disaster started circulating:

Ugh.

But this ask is about my blog and not about film industry stupidity, so let's focus on that.

As I've repeatedly said, I don't leave things out or "censor" things because I think people are too innocent to see a curse word online (because let's be honest, that's stupid). However, I do think it's a bit unfair to assume I have bad intentions, let alone ableist intentions, with my transcripts!

I started this blog mainly because I wanted to share clips with friends, and I didn't want to clog up my main, but the posts started getting more attention than I expected. Every once in a while I started adding quick transcripts here and there, and full transcripts on rare occasions. I started doing subtitled videos after translating a few clips for the KarmaIand community, and then I kept it up because it's fun and good video editing practice. For me, the determining factor for whether or not I do something is ultimately a matter of, "Do I have time?", and I usually don't! Today, I'm using that handful of minutes to respond to this instead of working on video stuff.

I took a quick glance through the blog and I'd say only 70% of posts have any kind of transcription (if I'm being generous), and even less have full transcriptions. This blog isn't meant to eat up my time; it's a side hobby I'm not getting paid for. I'm just sharing goofy clips because they make me smile, and I hope they can make other people smile too. This blog isn't a priority for me, and it's not an official / professional archive, nor do I want people to treat it as such!

As far as the "Nobody cares" part, I care!!! I rely on subtitles for everything I consume, and I'd genuinely love to be able to write full transcripts for every single video every single time and not "censor" things so I can help other people like me. But like I've said before, I can't, and that's a topic I'm not going to get into because it's nobody's business! ¯\(ツ)/¯ I hope you can respect this boundary. It's not a matter of me having a "typing style".

Ultimately, this is my take on the matter: if it's a choice between doing transcripts to the best of my abilities or just posting things with no transcripts or subtitles at all, I'm always going to choose the former.

Even though I'm sad and disappointed that some people are quick to assume the worst of me and my intentions solely because of what I put (or don't put) in the description of a goofy little MCYT video, I do appreciate your passion anon, because this is a big issue! Unfortunately, this is as much as I can help, but I'm of the belief that any effort made in good faith is better than no effort made at all.

For folks who want full transcripts that are very professional, I highly recommend checking out @mcyt-transcribed! They've got a great team, and they've even transcribed a few of my videos, which is nice! I've always appreciated what they do, and I think they deserve a lot more love and recognition.

I know this is a very long post and not what people signed up for when they followed this blog, but I like addressing this stuff because I feel like, in this community especially, people tend to have a habit of letting things fester. And that sucks! We're all just here to watch people make jokes and play block game, after all. I think open communication is key to resolving most issues, and even though people won't agree on everything, I hope they're able to walk away from the conversation without any hard / hurt feelings and with a better understanding of the other person.

#replies #anon #I'm genuinely so tired of seeing people fight in this community #I almost didn't start this blog because I was so sure I'd have to watch people picking fights with each other in the notes of my posts #and if I have to see that kind of twitter stupidity here I'm going to lose my mind #but everyone's been polite and funny so I'm inclined to keep on sharing clips #but full disclosure the moment it stops being fun #or the moment I start getting annoyed I'm outta here #miss me with those bad vibes #(also this is 100% not directed at you anon I'm just very sick of Twitter drama and cancel culture it's so dumb) #I'm just here for a laugh. that's it. #also I didn't realize you could add embeded links to asks now that's pretty cool #I could've phrased part of this as ''I'm not going to ignore my wellbeing for the sake of MCYT videos of all things'' #but I also know this community has a habit of villainizing people for setting boundaries or saying no #:/ #FAQ

[monogramsalarm]

being the only one in a 6 person friend group who drives is. exhausting.

#m.txt #like i enjoy driving!! i don't mind if i'm volunteering it! #but also it's always a fight to try and get some of my friends to come out MY way for a change #bc we all live at least an hour away from each other if not two! #and it's rough when i want to have my friend over but she can't get a ride so i have to make the hour long drive on my own #THROUGH portland which is. augh. #it's just tiring when i'm the one person who can drive and i don't get to just chill and be a passenger for once

[deansblorbo]

Oh god please noooo not today

Its literally my exam tomorrow and my family is falling apart i dont wanna deal with it now

#All i want is some comfort today i'm literally terrified its my exam tomorrow #Why is it that i have to be the mediator between their fights #I'm literally sitting here as if i am some couple therapist who has to deal with the tantrums of these people #Like just leave me alone from this i've been dealing with this since i was like 5 i just dont want to anymore i have got enough on my mind #Just when i thought my parents were going together okay again its just going downhill again #Both of them cant set aside their ego and they just go on with it ig #But they don't realise how much i'm getting hurt inside #Like they are the only immediate family i have and i had to deal with their fights and shouts almost my entire life #I feel like i regret vacating from my hostel now it was enough hell there but it was just loneliness atleast i had some peace there #My life is such a mess idek what to do i'm tired of bs

[poptartmochi]

the storm will pass

#i think i am a chihuahua in a human body 🍻 #im tired of being so finicky and irritable and mean. i think that's the core of who i am now. just a bitch (literal 🤪🐕) #recently ive been like. if im in the driver's seat of my mind im evil. if i step out and go on autopilot then i'm tolerable and fine #but that's not me. once i tune back into myself I get overwhelmed and mean #and then once i have a moment to breathe i become so ashamed of myself. but this too is only a passing moment before i return to my baseline #of evil 😐 I'd say im just like my dad but that's fucked up because everything im dealing with is infinitely easier than what he has to deal #with. and that's the thing! i do fuckall! what is there to be a bitch about!!! #i wish i could go away for a while. or get a lobotomy. or something! i can only pretend to be normal for so long before an inconvenience #comes along and i have to fight to keep the beast in. and the inconveniences become less and less important with every day #this is just exhausting. and it's exhausting for anyone that has to see the real me #i wish i could go away #sriracha.txt #vent tw #negative tw

[vvanessaives]

i can't believe i have to go through the terrible ordeal of wanting to watch house of big flying lizards, i buried that chapter of my life so long ago

#rena.txt #when reading the books (mind u i never actually finished readig all the published ones) i always found house t/rgary/n inch resting and #like the show is making me 👁️ but also i dont want to go through another games of chairs wave i just dont want to #i'm like fighting both the side of me that wants to watch and the side of me that doesnt want to. i'm tired but i also want #to look at dragons....my beloved creatures....

[welcometogrouchland]

Lies face down on the ground. I am not an emotionally stable individual. I need a break

#ramblings of a lunatic #i am so bad at being able to navigate and understand my own emotions but rn my leading theory as to the funk I've been in this week #is that I'm tired and burnt out and that's why I'm so emotionally fragile #both in the sense that ppl being mean about my hyperfixation makes me want to cry #and also in the sense that i have been. FIGHTING the urge to be mean to everyone lately and with a select few authority figures #i have been losing. badly #I DON'T WANNA BE MEAN TO MY PARENTS I LOVE THEM! I DON'T WANT TO BE MEAN TO MY FILM TEACHER I LIKE HIM!!! #I JUST NEED A BREAK BUT I KNOW I WON'T GET ONE UNTIL THIS DAMN YEAR IS OVER #:(( i am upset now #i can tell my parents are getting. tired of the burnout too.. #i don't even know what would help beyond like...a whole lotta nothing. literally #no input no responsibilities no work load no talking to ppl i don't wanna talk to just. just being alive for a couple weeks #this is an unrealized fantasy i know. but i will rotate it in my mind #see if that helps

[bobtheacorn]

If anon is throwing rocks at your window in the middle of the night, I am bringing you baked goods of your choice at a decent hour. Actually it rules that you're proship. Keep up the good work (minding your own business, not being a bully, not falling for reactionary nonsense, thinking for yourself, having common sense, and so on and so forth)

Genuinely, THANK U I appreciate that!! I'm doing my best!! I'm just tryin'a write my silly lil fanfics and vibe and everybody else should be allowed to do the same.

#asked #i'm trying not to be a DOWNER but my god #I keep accidentally getting into fandoms that seem to have a high BS rate?? #there's a tiny niche of ppl minding their own business and then a huge swatch of ppl that are like........... #aggressively yelling abt pretend threats to their Pure and Superior Thoughts on Fictional Characters #i don't know how to tell them that Jesus Christ is not gonna kiss them on the forehead for being hate mongering goblins #im just sayin #he would probably be the first to throw a table into the thick of y'all #like i get it u don't like incest that's valid #if u hate it so much why do you keep bringing it up????????????????? #tcest was literally trending on twitter a while ago bc baby antis were hollering abt it and the Algorithm was like U Want?? Here. #and then they took psychic damage abt it #i had to laugh #i guess i'm built different #nothing desensitizes you to stuff you don't want to see quicker than being 10 years old on the brand new interwebs #and googling your favorite digimon bc u want a cool desktop pic #NO search filters NO tags #just u as a kid fighting for ur life in google images sweeping past pages of weird grown up shit with ur eyes the size of dinner plates #let me just wave my cane and rant for a minute!!!!!!!!!! sorry!!!!!!! lmao #i'm just Old and Tired and I think ppl should be thankful for tumblr and ao3 and their fantastic fucking tagging systems and no algorithm #u can literally block things u dont wanna see #also u can just mind ur own business abt it