#I'm so grateful I'm still alive!

[athousandmorningss]

deeply in love with and grateful for my life.

#Woke up at 9 and came back to bed to read drink coffee and snuggle my cat #Listen to some hand drum music #It's not even noon and I've had 3 orgasms like #I'm so grateful I'm still alive!

[goldkirk]

as I'm going back over my past history and items and journals and years, I come across all sorts of things, like the pencil I saved from that so-precious memory from second grade, and a pair of flip flops I've been missing for two years, and (tw for murder/crime/killings) the modern-high-school-AU-kidnapped-by-a-serial-killer story I wrote in late high school jdfsjdfsjkjlksfd

#i can't wait to find out what red flags I didn't see in my own self back when I last read this thing in 2015 hfdhfdhjsfd #also. there's gonna be like a good sentence here and there and then CRINGE. the whole rest of everything is just me still trying to copy th #breathing pace (essentially) and ways-of-describing-things of mainstream authors like I thought I was supposed to #so this'll be somewhat painful but also god what a joy and a gift and an honor and a delight to get to hold this close to my heart #and witness it with understanding and empathy and slow reflection and care like my past younger self deserves #i'm so lucky i'm alive to be here and do this #i'm so grateful i'm headed towards welcoming back and embracing the last little girl i was that still felt a lot of things #so excited for her focus and precision and tenacity and constant curious joy and movement to be back someday #i'm afraid people won't like the me i was before rule after rule and then dangers #but my god it'll feel so good to be the fully-flowing energy machine and dance and conduit again how will I have enough bother to care? #people who are good to each others' nervous systems cumulatively feel better and better #if i'm not good for you and yours then you really truly SHOULD go elsewhere and find someone who makes YOUR self feel right and light + war #anyway now that i wrote an essay in the tags as usual [nervous laughter] #personal #add to journal #words n rhythm #WHY DID I FEEL CAPABLE OF UNDERTAKING A STORY LIKE THIS #cradling my past self gently but also BANGING my HEAD against the WALL lmao #i'm proud of myself for writing and sharing this and its creative ideas. even if i don't like it now or feel ashamed or see mistakes. #anything. it mattered that it came to me and it mattered that i explored it and it mattered that i poured myself through it to help shape i #and it mattered that I left it on the internet so that now it still exists. i'm going to honor this story no matter what current me would #objectively think about it if it was written by anyone else. #this is a gift i give myself now. #this is a lot of what I learn and learn to do #trauma evolution #mosswrites

[partynthem]

boygenius are doing something so important for lesbians (umbrella term) rn and i just wanna thank them again and again and again

#getting very emotional over that cool about it performance... #boygenius are just By Us For Us and it feels SO fucking good to see queer women thriving and winning for being who they are #they are really the moment rn. so many gays i know from college went to all things go last weekend and to the munagenius show at msg #and it just warms my goddamn heart that we all get to be alive at the same time as them and be a part of this #they are so special and important and talented and interesting and fun and gay and i just LOOVE LOVE LOOOOVE TO SEE IT #i wish so bad i could go to the halloween show at hollywood bowl :( the jealous rage i am going to be experiencing cannot be overstated #as a queer woman who lives in california it's genuinely FUCKED i can't be there 😔 #also i'm still thinking abt hoziergenius constantly. it hasn't left my mind for a second #but yea. just really grateful to be gay and alive rn 🫶 #boygenius

[lorephobic]

idk how to even like. put this pain into words and i would normally vent about this shit on twitter, but the person its about follows me on there so like. anybody have skills for coping with the crushing realization that the person u love most in this world and have built ur life around sees ur current situation together as a temporary hurdle that's preventing them from their truest and happiest self which. is separate from u entirely? anyone know how to deal with this?

#live with my best friend in the whole entire world who. honest to god makes me the happiest person alive. #like im always waxing poetic about her in the tags on posts about platonic love #and i talk about her like she put the stars in the skies because for real it feels like she did for me #she is. the most important person in my life #and every day i feel grateful just to come home and sit with her #like honest to god i cannot imagine a future that is better than this #if i have a bad day i get to come home and my best friend in the world will make me laugh #what more could i ever ask for #but tonight we talked and she made it abundantly clear that. even if i do everything right #even if i'm the perfect roommate and the best friend i can be #in just over a year #when she's making enough money for it #she plans on moving into a place of her own #which like. makes sense for her. of course we were going to get to this point. #but i just. don't know what i'm going to do. #and it kills me that we're on different pages because for some reason i thought this was a long term thing #i thought we were going to move into a house together #i was just telling my coworker this week that we need to move into our forever home soon which was partially a joke #but also. even if i was making a million dollars a year. #i would still want to be here. with her. #or somewhere else. with her. #like it's so hard to imagine a future without her. it breaks my heart and scares the shit out of me. #and i know i can't afford it here. and i can't move in with strangers. and i'm working my dream job but i'm scared that i'm going to have t #give it all up and move back east because. i can't do this alone. and she's all i have. and all i ever wanted. #and she's leaving. #she doesn't want to be with me. #sry this is so fucking. ugh. idk. i just don't know what to do. #for real might just drop everything and move to chicago if it comes down to it ksdkfljdfs #its what sufjan would have wanted #fucked up terrible no good week

[stinkrascal]

hi jaiden. i read your ask and im very sorry about your loss, i've decided to spread some positivity. you are an incredible writer and as much as you cringe at your older posts i find myself rereading it every now and then. its kind of crazy how i'm quite young, and i've been growing up with reading breanna's story - yet i haven't lost interest. there is something so aesthetic about your standstill posts, i dont know if its the colors or the dust, but its so pleasing to the eye. literally everyday after my work i go and i check if standstill has gotten an update. the way your dialogue is written is so natural. like it doesn't feel like this fake poetic or overly descriptive, it sounds like natural realistic dialogue. and ive also been reading your character bios and in my language there's a word called härlig, thats the only way i can describe the little bios. for it being a sim story, its so incredibly clever and i can tell you put effort into it. the poses are always fitting. and your game doesnt even look like sims. i hope you realize that we will always enjoy your story even if it would be with low graphics or vlad would be a 8x8 pixel. so dont ever shy away from taking a break, because u really deserve to take a break. there is so much i could say about standstill,, but i wont for the sake of it already being quite lengthy! i hope your healing, and i hope that you can accept some positivity into your life. <3

wow okay hello anon... i won't lie, this made me cry a lot ;-;. i've been really struggling lately with intense anxiety and honestly just feeling really shitty ha. reading this means so much to me, more than you will ever know. it's silly ik but i put my heart and my soul into my sims, it can be a little embarrassing bc they're literally just sims and here i am pouring every piece of me into them like they're my diary, taking it so seriously. but like........ i do take it seriously.......embarrassed as i am to admit it..... i love them so much. so reading something as kind and reassuring as this makes me feel really appreciated. thank you for your kindness, it's more appreciated than you will ever realize

#jade answers #Anonymous #my grandpa was old. he suffered w dementia it was honestly his time #but his death has brought up stuff within my family that's been difficult to grapple with. it feels like i'm mourning the death of both #my grandpa and my parents. even though they're still alive it will never be the same #i wouldn't want it even if things did stay the same. ig in a way i'm mourning myself too. i'll never be the person i was before #i'm grateful i have my new family with my amazing partner but it hurts to know i can't have that w my birth family i'll never have that #this is silly but like......putting those feelings on vlad and brie has saved my life. ok. lol #they were like me... their family hurt them in unspeakable ways and then they were adults without a family at all... #but through it all through the dysfunction and trauma they made their own family....... they survived and i will too #having emotions is cringe you guys<3 #im gonna be really embarrassed about this in a few hours but im trying to practice this thing where i dont bottle stuff up so its ok #being embarrassed just means i care.......and theres nothing wrong with caring........i say thru gritted teeth

[yukikorogashi]

.

#(I'm alive) #(I'm honestly still not okay but... don't worry about me.) #(I'm at least finally out of that state of mind) #(When you have to deal with being used and still being spoken to and treated like you are the shittiest thing to be placed on this earth) #(Every single day) #(You eventually start to believe it yourself) #(And then being... betrayed again by someone you love has kind of been the final nail for me this period) #(I still feel like throwing up when I try to come on here to speak to anyone) #(But I'm alive) #(I always fail) #// suicide mention #// suicide #// negative #(I saw my friends messages though and... thank you so much...) #(My dumbass finds it hard to believe that I deserve love by this point but... please know I am grateful still) #(That you guys reached out the way you have) #(And I hope to reply you all one of these days) #// abuse

[icouldhyperfixatehim]

monday: 22hr sensation of heart attack

tuesday: rest

wednesday: go to seaside for my health

#heard you guys liked pictures of the sea #after monday i needed to reaffirm a desire to be alive and that its not just pain lmao [dark but true] #i saw some lovely rocks and the oystercatchers were out as they usually are #but also saw ringed plovers for the first time which are dumpy little darlings of birds #i'm still tender ribbed and had to rug up thoroughly so the cold wouldn't get at me but #it helped #grateful that this was a day i could do this for myself #🥄 blogging #ag seafóid

[marathedemonoverlord]

I feel like the game's trying to tell me something. I'm not even doing Nightmare often and suddenly I'm bombarded with special Diavolo cards.

Okay I get it the man's fine as hell and his little dance sprite shooting fire is lit af you don't gotta tell me that I can admit defeat and now it's nice to have him in the battle - It's like playing Smash and you got to beat the challenger to earn a chance to play em lol.

#obey me nightbringer #obey me diavolo #This is strange hes like not my favorite but every free draw i got him #The games like “Oh you sick of Mammon and Lucifer? - Here's Diavolo! #And i mean im not complaining but i still havent found a thing for the angels or Belphegor #Is Belphegor even alive at this point or did we 'Lesson 16' him? #And look Diavolo may not be my fave but i can admit the dudes cool and Nightbringer is warming me up to him #I seriously really love his little fire animations tho - Hes like our cute lil firebender burning things down to cool ass beats #they always go 100% for the demon prince and i like that since it makes sense the top demon dog got it lol #Nah but in all seriousness; I'm grateful ive been in a rut with this game so the new cards make me feel better about playing

[anemoisoap]

#quick painting #meant for a few days ago on the anniversary #but my charger rebelled and I had to wait for the replacement #this game inadvertently changed my life #like literally #i'm so grateful #for the serendipity of it all #detroit: become human #dbh connor #deviant connor #jericho #5 year anniversary #still stealing my dumplings #jeribox #zen garden #jk zen can suck it #connor rk800 #blue doritos #alive #too many tags

[beldaroot]

realized i'm getting iwtv, bridgerton, the boys, and hotd all within the next two months and they're weekly episodes too.... television is back baby!

#well bridgerton is two releases like they did for st4 but it's still separate to keep the momentum alive which i'm grateful for! #idk how often i'll be on here but it'll be nice to see and talk about episodes weekly :) #last time that happened for me was for yellowjackets s2 and LOL that was bad bc that season was not good sorry #so will be ignoring the discourse esp for hotd lol just here for the gifs and mind spirals! #dl

[cupcakesmoothie]

The girls (the emotions in my brain) are fightinggg

#sweetmountainseeds #cupcakeycrisis #Wow I sure love it when I fucking hate myself and all the other feelings can do if make sure I don't hurt myself #Whatever. At least it means some sense is there #Bitch should be grateful it's kept her alive for so long. or not. #Do I hate myself? Do I know it's a small mistake and that I'm beating myself up about this because of my upbringing? #Do I know it's really not a big deal in the grand scale of things or even the small scale of things because this problem is fixable? #Or do I still fucking hate myself because I shouldn't have made the mistake in the first place I should've been better why try at all if you #'re just gonna fail maybe I'm just bad what if people grow annoyed with me this isn't even the first time (It's the second omg stfu) I'm lat #rant #vent

[rainbluealoekitten]

ok mb for worrying everyone but i actually had a BEAUTIFUL afternoon and am feeling pretty happy rn :D rambling about it in the tags ofc <3

#had mac and cheese for lunch so very yum #then slight boy update where he fucking BLUSHED at me today and i've been working very hard to get over him #but was like!!! wtf!!!! what do i do with this!!! and texted one of my best friends #and she told me to fucking ASK HIM why he's been acting shitty as of late #so we formulated a text then he was very very apologetic and explained how he's been feeling as of late #and we chatted for a while which was super nice :))) idk if it's going to last but now we just WAIT and OBSERVE #to see if it's worth it #and then i did a toooooon of work out in my garden really just vibing #like way more research than was needed (did not work smarter over harder) but atm idm bc #it made me feel like i was doing well and honestly i was really just vibing #also put my bird and fish to decompose. still don't know what is up with that lmao #so got to put my hands in the dirt!!!!! fucking love that #now gonna watch outlander i think #or i should check the bio video's transcript quickly before maybe #either way will be fine :))) #i'm glad #and i'm also super proud of myself bc i've made sooo much progress mentally #like yeah everything felt like shit this morning and i was indulging myself there but i have also been owrking so so hard #with walking around angrily repeating that i am grateful to be alive #and pointing out all the shit in the world that i love #and really speaking to myself with love in my heart the way i needed to be spoken to as a child #so yeah :) even if i start to feel shitty again #nobody can take away the moments of happiness from me #there will always be more rays of sun #or more rainstorms bc i prefer those a million times more and guess what!!! rainy season rn :) #peace and love on the planet earth #blue screams into the void

[sharkbatez]

SERIOUSLY SHAUNA?? AGAIN?????!!!! 

Is this how it’s gonna be after every Yellowjackets season 2 episode? Because I knew cannibalism is a theme in this show. There is no refuting that. 

But wow. 

Wow. 

#yellowjackets #yellowjackets season 2 #spoiler #spoilers #yellowjackets spoiler #also fuck that Laura Lee cameo #i'm grateful i could see it from a mile away #the only good thing is nicole maines is still alive so yay #that's it that's the only good thing #i've seen a couple of interview videos and they say the ep 8 ending is very WTF #so idk man idk #a part of me thinks shauna's the real antler queen

[lightningfilledsaber]

I'm just so fucking glad to be alive

#mud rambles #suicide ment in tags #I'm really emotional right now #I was so close to killing myself a year and a half ago. #fuck. almost all of 2021 and a good portion of 2022 i was actively suicidal #I'd started self harming again after being clean for YEARS #I hated myself and my body again after all the fucking work I did to build myself up #all over people who treated me like fucking garbage and literally USED me #now I have friends who actually give a shit about me. who are straight up with what they want out of our relationships and where we stand #I'M FUCKING ENGAGED!!!!!!!!! #I'VE BEEN WITH MY FIANCE FOR 5. YEARS. AND WE'RE ENGAGED!!!! #I've been on T for almost a full year! #I don't dread waking up every fucking morning and while it's still hard. things are still happening and sometimes it sucks... #I don't wanna kill myself anymore #despite it all #I'm so fucking glad and grateful to be alive

[murobrown]

.

#guys for the first time in my life I feel happy...like truly happy #I'm little scared to say it like this because usually things fuck up very bad after those good periods #but after many years of wanting to die and being suicidal and even trying to end my own life... #...i truly feel like I don't want to die anymore #i love being alive #and I'm actually irrationaly scared of just dying out of nowhere but that's a different story #my life is million times harder than ever before but I feel happy #stress destroyed me mentally and physically completely but I feel happy #everything is perfect... everything is how I always wanted and I feel so grateful #and maybe... just maybeeee I don't hate myself so much anymore...but that's something I still kinda need to work on #but I'm starting to feel in peace in who I am #i saw myself achieve things I never even though about #i work in a position I love and soon I'll make a ton of money #i have an apartment all for myself #i went down theee sizes in my clothes #i am able to be around my friends again #i am sk grateful for those things #i hope that 18 year old me would be proud #yesterday I was trying to be nice to her and try to understand her but I can't find a piece of sympathy for her #I'm honestly so scared of losing what I have #every day my brain is telling me I'm going to die and I'm so terrified #there are so many things i want to do and I feel so hopeful... I can't die I want to live #i never wanted to live more than now #i love my life #i feel overwhelmed and stressed and happy and scared....i needed to leave my feelings somewhere #what a mess #i am grateful for you guys too... you're my little safe space from reality... little distraction from the scary real world #everything will be okay.... right? we will be okay?

[aloftmelevar]

this day has been absolute ass

#i had a really bad gut feeling through this morning #and then come afternoon i learn about the schaffrillas stuff #like that shit gutted me.... #i'm also having cramps #my professor cancelled class tonight because of the ice storm. i should be happy but like...i'm just in a sour mood #then to top it all off i hear my dad in the next room ranting about how tyre nichols 'would still be alive if he complied' #my dad is a piece of shit bootlicker cop who's also a transphobic and homophobic pig. #and yet he loves me. and i struggle to love him sometimes. #like yeah he provides for me and cares for me. but good lord he has shitty opinions. #when i heard him saying those things i wanted to burst out of my room. i had such vile words i wanted to say but i kept it in. #instead i let it out with hysterical crying in my room. which i guess is better than verbally attacking my dad. #i'm lucky to have two married parents that love me and my sister. that is exceptionally rare today. i don't have a single IRL friend with #married parents in a stable relationship. #so i'm grateful. #i just get so sad and empty inside when i see folks online talking about their parents who are accepting and progressive. #like yeah. i'm happy for you. i just wish i had that y'know. #i don't plan to have kids. but if i end up changing my mind i'm going to give to them what my parents never gave to me. #vent #rant #personal