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di-girls-dem-sugar · 2 months

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Going to be keeping it absolutely real on here as I always do when things get bad. I'm starting to think that it might not get better after all I can't lie. I'm just so sad and angry and mad and lonely all the time. I moved away from home two years ago and I can't hold on to any stable relationships and I'm basically all alone here and I feel like such an idiot for complaining about it because it's nobody's fault that I don't go anywhere and I am bad at talking to people or holding on to relationships. it's completely my fault and I know it's up to me to change it but I've never been good at making friends and that hasn't changed just because I'm not 16 or 11 or 5 years old anymore and I'm still not quite sure how to go about it.

It's been 2 years and Canada doesn't feel like a foreign place anymore .I know my way around and I know how to get stuff done and it has already set in that this is my life now and I guess this just means that my life now is just me by myself with everyone I know and love 1800 miles away.

And even then half the time it still feels like I don't have anyone because my sister hardly answers her phone and my other sister and I have literally only known each other for a month and I don't even know her middle name yet and my mom has got a new job and doesn't have time to call me like she used to and so I don't even feel like I have my mommy anymore and my best friend is already dealing with so much and I wish I could turn back time and bring her loved one back to life but I cant and I feel so empty thinking about how she must feel and I'm not comfortable with anybody else so other than those people.

I'm a year away from graduating with a degree in a field that I hate and I can't find any internships or working experience because everything is so experience based and I am so bad at all this stuff and my grades are so mediocre and I don't have anything that makes me stand out and at this point I'm worried that I won't even be good enough for grad school. When I find a part of this wretched degree that I actually like I cannot seem to do well in it despite the fact that I actually care enough to study and do work in it and it's just so demotivating. And even if I do somehow manage to get a job I'm never going to be able to afford a house and I want to have a house so bad I don't like renting I want to have a backyard and I want my own kitchen and I want to decorate my house the way I feel like when I feel like it but everything is so expensive and I hate my shitty customer service job because I hate talking to people and I don't want to stand for 6 hours and fake smile and listen to the same songs play over and over again for 6 hours anymore but I can't leave my job because no one else is hiring me.

And I have to keep pretending like everything is okay when every time I turn on my phone and go out to social media I see something else indicating that we are witnessing the decline of man as we know it and there's kids dying in so many places all over the world and people getting their homes destroyed and no matter how much I try and raise awareness and no matter how much money I give and how much I talk about it there's really nothing changing and I go outside and somebody asks me for spare change to buy a coffee so they don't freeze in the below zero weather and I wish I could put them in a house but I don't even have a house of my own. And I used to be able to look around and find even the beauty in the smallest things and to not think the worst of people and to give everyone the benefit of the doubt for the most part but now I can't help but wonder if this person thinks genocide and exploitation and mindless killing and destruction is a good thing. And I hardly see anybody talking about Sudan or Congo or Senegal or Haiti or Madagascar and it feels like african people are just always doomed to be pushed to the back burner even by black people in the diaspora and I try to be positive because if the people in those countries haven't given up hope why should I but sometimes I just get so sad.

And despite going to therapy and going on meds I still look in the mirror and hate myself and I remember that my problems are so paltry and poor compared to what's going on in the rest of the world and that I feel worse because it doesn't make me hate how I look or who I am less and the world just won't stop turning and we never get a break we just have to keep going until we die no matter how bad things get and it's not fair and I'm so tired I just need it all to stop for a second. Looking at my life feels like reading the bell jar knowing that sylvia plath wrote a book about a depressed woman and ended up killing herself. I feel doomed

#shut up kayla #diary entry

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mermmarie · 9 months

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My Mutant Mayhem review if anyone is curious, lol... (Non spoilers part)

Saw Mutant Mayhem twice now and will be seeing it a third time (because the 2nd showing was fucked up unfortunately, and I got my tickets refunded) and it's a good movie! My overall rating would probably be an 8/10. (:

Visually it's amazing. It's 'sketchbook' style of animation was perfect for the world and their goal to keep this version of TMNT on brand with the Teenaged aspect.

The humor was great too. Laughed a lot. I really don't think any jokes missed. And the soundtrack was mwah! 😚👌💖 Chef kiss!

The only reason why I give it an 8/10 instead of 10/10 is because I do think that the movie falls a little short in the second half of the film. But I would definitely still recommend going to see it for yourself!!

Explanations and spoilers below the cut! You have been warned!!

I think my main problem with the 2nd half of the film is the TCRI/ 'Milking' bit. I just think it was a little too much for them film in the sense of it seemed crowded/out of place? Like... I think that it would've fit better in the 2nd film. I get that they wanted a scene where Splinter saved the boys from danger but TCRI/Cynthia Utrom seemed so irrelevant to the plot at this point, I think it would've worked better if Splinter saved the boys from Superfly and the other mutants, and the led into the scene of the final act over everyone vs Superfly and then saving New York.

Buuut... I suppose they wouldn't have the solution of the retro-mutagen to defeat Super Duperfly without the TCRI/Milking scene. So, hmm... 🤔

That's another thing I don't think they touched on well enough, because I didn't realize that the retro-mutagen was a thing until the 2nd viewing. I missed where they said it turns mutants back into their regular animal forms the first time watching it (apparently it was at the very beginning of the film), so it really confused me when it seemingly came out of nowhere and became the solution for the film. (Also seems like a very powerful mechanic to put into the world this early into the franchise assuming that the show will pick up after the movie but, I guess they'll work around it somehow. 🤷🏾‍♀️)

Two other criticisms then I'm done complaining.

1: The movie doesn't really play into Donatello's main character trait/trope of being a 'genius/inventor' at all... Typically, I'm all for bending/re-inventing the traditions, but being the genius of the group is really Donnie's thing. It seems the film only goes with the geek aspect, which was fine and fun. Just a little disappointing that they didn't touch on my boys' intelligence really. Yes, he does come up with the majority of the groups' plans, but they weren't anything too profound in my opinion. Like... Leo probably could've come up with them on his own if he thought on them a little harder. Nothing that screamed 'that's genius' to me personally.

2: Them removing their masks at the end of the film. It's SACRILEGE!! 😭 Okay I know I'm being a little dramatic with this lol, and I understand that it was the films way of saying 'they're normal' and they don't need them now that they're going to school but first of all... It's not just about them being ninjas... I've always viewed their masks as an extension of themselves. Part of their personal identities. It's a defining trait for them, like hair is for most humans. Second, they look like frogs without them. Not bad!! But they literally look like the Punk Frogs that exist in the universe!! So, it was just a little sad and weird to see them go without them.

It makes me wonder if they will be maskless for the beginning period of the show or not....

Okay now for the bits I loved about the film!

The No Diggity crime fighting montage was my FAVORITE part of the film. 😭💖 I seriously cannot wait to watch that a million times and over when the movie comes out on dvd/streaming.

Leo's crush on April is REAL!! And it was so cute!! 🥺💙💛 The introduction of it was practically an exact play-by-play of 2012 Apriltello, but the film did not make it annoying. XD (Now if that will hold up for the show, who knows? 👀)

Raph's excited-aggression was great. Despite the joke of him having a 'rage problem' I don't really see this Raph as angry? To me it just seemed like he had a lot of energy and he liked to expel it in destructive ways, and it was really fun! Leo and Donnie are my favorite turtles of this iteration, but in terms of the film itself, I think Raphael shines the best.

The Found Family plot was a pleasant surprise! Was not expecting the other mutants to become allies and end up living with them! That was really cool and sweet! (Wingnut was my favorite and Leatherhead of course~💖)

Another pleasant surprise was the humans ACTUALLY accepting them and the turtles integrating in the public so quickly! Did not expect that at all. It will be super interesting to see a TMNT series start off with that!

I really loved Donatello's voice in this! All the VA's did a fantastic job but Micah Abbey blew it out of the water imo. I know a lot of people were not into his voice when the first trailer was revealed, but I think it fits this iteration of Donatello perfectly!

Speaking of VA's... Ice Cube as Superfly was really fun. He didn't put on a voice, but he delivered his lines so smoothly it worked.

Aaand, that's about it... I'm probably forgetting stuff but overall, it was a really good film and I'm excited for the show to come! (:

Anyways! Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk!

#oof #that ended up being longer than expected...#Mutant Mayhem #Mutant Mayhem Spoilers #Mumbling Mermaid

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woaddragoon-nadya · 2 months

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Meet Nadya!

I decided to commit and start a new character to conquer my social anxiety! I also changed datacenters to see if maybe not playing on Gilgamesh might be easier. (No hate to Gilgamesh, I just am not a hardcore player and that's the culture over there) So she's on Crystal Goblin. Got her to level 30 in like...6 hours, which isn't great but I started in Gridania which I've never done before (all hail Ul'dah) and wanted to actually see the story.

Just finished joining the scions and decided to log off because it is 4AM. She's another Hyur girly just because I like their face options the best. But, I went Lancer this time so I can learn DPS.

Below the cut is the very long recap of the day. Moreso for me so I can look back lol. Also me complaining a little bit about partying.

First 10 minutes of running around a mentor actually invited me to the novice network! I never got to join with Alsephina until I got the return label this month so that's a new experience. Playing DPS is crazy because I feel like I'm not contributing at all.

The party I had for Sastasha was incredible. Our tank blazed through that whole thing. I got 3 commendations from that run alone which was very sweet. Tam Tara was okay, but our entire party were sprouts. Not a big deal, but it was clear the DPS and the Tank were like...sprout sprouts y'know? I am terrible at the game compared to most people, but I also have 150 hours. So I ended up helping to lead that one.

Then...Copperbell. I will now clarify that I wasn't mad about how it went, moreso annoyed that I didn't go to bed sooner. 10 minute wait time which I was okay with because it is so late. Everybody is FRESH Sprouts. Our Tank would not pull at all. One enemy at a time in the most inconvenient locations. Tank also wouldn't run through so the enemies would turn, which meant I somehow kept getting enmity. I'm used to playing Tank so I didn't really mind, but Lancer is obviously not built to be a tank which put pressure on our healer. Nobody had gear on that was past the first job quest. The other DPS got left on a higher level and no one would wait for her so the entire second floor took ages. Everybody is running for treasure not looking around.

Our healer ended up running in the front and taking a load of damage. Then they started the final fight with NO ONE ELSE IN THE ROOM. I sprinted over there so it was just me and her for a hot second. Tank is jumping absolutely everywhere, other DPS is still lost. I think the tank only annoyed me because I have been so nervous about tanking in a party for so long. I don't expect big pulls , because I know I struggled with that. Just at least pull into the next larger room and not on bridges or hallways. Makes DPS easier and healing easier. Normally, the way I've been approaching any partying with other humans is "whatever makes the healer's life easier." I thought that was kind of how everyone approached it, but I guess not. Same with not jumping around. Tank kept running, so I kept having to reposition, which meant the healer kept having to reposition. Then everybody ditched immediately, which made me a little sad lol. I have had very VERY few dungeons or 8mans where we didn't all say at least GG before heading out. Nobody gave commendations either, so I gave one to the healer.

I don't know, on the one hand it is less anxiety to play DPS because you have a buddy and arguably the least important job. On the other, it does make me want to give tanking with a human party another shot. I think I have not been giving myself enough credit for everything I've learned since my major meltdown for the last party I did with Alsephina. So now at least I have motivation to level both characters to see both sides. I could never be a mentor though. I kept wanting to try and correct the Tank, but I do not have enough confidence to tell somebody to play their video game differently.

#ff14 ffxiv #ffxiv #ffxiv wol #ff14 #xiv misc #ffxiv oc #ffxiv hyur #ffxiv screenshots #Nadya Hollow

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whatpunkin · 3 months

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injury stuff and general complaining under the cut

man it's like

i know i'm only about 4-5 weeks post-injury and 3-4 weeks post-op but i'm still so fucking angry and sad and scared about it all

everyone around me sees me sitting with my boot elevated, scooting around in an office chair and generally just trying to rest and i can tell it just doesn't register for them

to them i'm shrugging and making the best of a shitty temporary situation and yay i'll be normal again in a few weeks

in reality i'm not sleeping. i'm barely eating. bathing is a full-on production that requires an extra set of hands just to make it in and out of the shower. every day is a blur that seems to last twice as long as it should. i'm struggling with a constant pain that my pain meds can't touch because it's not even real, it's my nerve endings healing. it feels like fire, it feels like i'm standing barefoot on a metal grate, it feels like someone poured boiling water down my boot, it feels like someone's cutting my foot in half, and on, and on. my incision took way too long to close and now i just have to be afraid of infection indefinitely. my latest post op x rays showed one of the breaks somehow getting worse and i just have to hope it was a weird viewing angle, not my bone refusing to heal. i can still feel the staples coming out of my skin when i think about it, one by one, all 17 of them ripping my skin and leaving new wounds in their wake. i can still feel the pain and the panic i felt when i woke up in recovery and the nurse had laid me directly on my incision and wouldn't listen to me when i was screaming for him to move my leg, he just kept shushing me and pressing the oxygen mask to my face and telling me to take deep breaths. i can still feel the fear i went through when they sedated me in the ER and i had a bad trip that felt like it lasted for hours, while they just fucking left me lying in the cold and wet cut off remains of my clothes and wouldn't give me enough pain meds to handle the fact that they were resetting my bones by hand. i can still feel the pain i felt for the week and a half between my injury and surgery, where every single time i got out of bed, my ankle separated again, forcing me to feel it break over and over and over as my foot just dangled inside the splint. i can feel the plate and the screws inside my leg agitating the nerves and tendons and have to live with the knowledge it'll just be that way unless my doctor decides to remove them years from now. i haven't been able to get comfortable since the break and will very likely just never be comfortable again. i've been told by multiple people i'm just permanently going to be miserable and in pain.

nobody comes to see me anymore now that it's not a new shiny thing. everyone gets to move on except for me, sitting and rotting in my chair.

i haven't walked since christmas. there's a good chance i won't walk until march or even april. i just get to rot until then. 31 days until my next surgery.

i want to fucking die.

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nervouslaughter05 · 1 year

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Stars to Comfort a Lonely Moon

C/W: Implied/Referenced Character Death, Kissing, Angst, inspired by "dont look for me in the sunset when I die", inspired by the song "It's Called: Freefall, really sad and angsty, kinda happy ending?

A/N: I'm so sorry this is the first work I bring to the fandom, but this has been living in my head for the past week and I finally decided to crank something out for this today during some free time I had. "Grizzly", the woman in this piece, is an OC I made who is very near and dear to my heart. I have a fic (that's much happier) in the works at the moment that I'll begin to share once I've gotten some decent headway on it. Chapter one is actually almost done! So maybe in the next few days?

Also, please heed the tags and comment below any you find necessary.

Last chance to turn away. I will be completely honest when I say this wrecked me a little to write. Considering you've stuck around this long, enjoy the piece.

Recommended listening: "It's Called: Freefall" by Rainbow Kitten Surprise

Inspired by this TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@bejadoodles/video/7203248315381714182?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc&web_id=7195436189938271790

Called to the Devil and the Devil said

Hey! Why you been calling this late?

It's like 2 A.M. and the bars all close at 10 in hell, that's a rule I made

Anyway, you say you're too busy saving everybody else to save yourself

And you don't want no help, oh well

That's the story to tell

Death was something Ghost had come to accept as something normal in life.

With the horrors he’d seen, the people he’d lost, the stories he was told, it wasn't exactly unusual.

He didn’t rush into danger trying to die purposefully, but it was definitely something where if he were to be injured gravely he wouldn’t complain at the prospect of dying.

At least, that’s what he had told himself for years.

Upon joining the 141, this was still true.

After Las Almas where he had dragged Grizzly, unconscious, from the bullets pelting down around them and guided Johnny, injured, through the city, this lessened slightly.

After sharing a quiet moment with Grizzly when they had to hunker down in her father’s house in Alaska, this faded to a murmur.

After the first time they kissed, this evaporated.

That’s what made right now so terrifying.

Because suddenly he was actually wanting to live, wanting to claw his way from the grave just to keep breathing crisp air through his broken lungs.

Seeing her sent a sharp stab of something he didn’t want to name through his chest. She was limp, blossoms of red unfurling from beneath her glove covered fingers. He stumbles, collapsing onto one knee onto the dirt.

“What do you think of the idea of looking at a sunset to remember someone who’s died?” Grizzly asks, leaning back on her hands from her spot sitting in the grass.

He glances at her from his peripheral vision, shrugging. “I’d rather have someone look at the moon.”

She turns her head to look at him. “Why’s that?”

“It stands out like a sore thumb and despite that, it’s alone.”

Grizzly shuffles, trying to raise her upper body up. He gets back to his feet, limping to her prone form in the grass. His other leg gives out this time, sending him back to the ground. Ghost doesn’t care–he crawls to her, shifting so he is sitting upright against a rock in the middle of the clearing with her cradled in his lap. She breathes shakily, hand clutching at the red seeping through the fabric of her shirt.

With her free hand, she reaches for one of his, tangling their fingers together. Then she pulls back, tugging off her glove with her teeth and prompting him to do the same with a weak whisper of his name–not the callsign, but Simon. Her hand is small in the grasp of his own, somehow still not nearly as calloused and rough as his own.

His own wounds are forgotten in that moment and the stabbing pain in his head is pushed away in favor of the sensation of her fingers against his.

The woman fell silent, a thoughtful expression slipping onto her face. Eventually, when Ghost was sure she wouldn’t say anything, she murmurs, “Then look for me in the stars.”

He is silent, looking up at the night sky.

She waits a moment before continuing, words equally as soft as before. “So the moon won’t be alone anymore.”

Night was fallen, covering their forms in the gentle light of the moon and the harshness of the shadows around them.

The moon hung in the sky, stars twinkling into existence around it. They blur together in his sight, and that’s how Simon realizes he’s actually crying. The moisture dampens his balaclava, making it stick to his skin uncomfortably.

The hand clutching her side reaches up to his mask, tugging on the edge of the balaclava resting on his neck. Simon doesn’t hesitate, tugging the balaclava off his face and mussing up his hair in the process. The blood flooding from her wound is slowing down, leaking in a lazy stream now.

She smiles up at him, looking behind his head at the sky. “The stars are out.”

Simon chokes back a sob, nodding his head, his free hand cupping the back of her head. “So’s the moon.”

Ghost looked over at her fully, eyes trailing over the way the light of the moon fell over her features. Her eyes shone in the darkness, filled with a depth he wanted to drown in. She looked at him with nothing but honesty. It tugged at something in his chest, stirring the grieving beast inside of him.

“What if the moon wants to be alone?”

“Simon,” she breathes, breath going shallow as she winces. “I’m sorry.”

He shakes his head, pulling her close as a fog begins to settle over his brain. It urges him to sleep, to close his eyes and fall into the abyss. “Don’t.”

It’s all he can manage to say past the choking lump in his throat. She seems to understand, grasping his shoulder to pull herself up. Hand still grasping his own, she brushes the other over his cheek, cupping it in her palm and resting her forehead against his. He holds her close by the hand on the back of her head, helping to keep her upright.

“Simon,” she says, voice full of reverence. “The moon won’t be alone anymore.”

“It doesn’t,” Grizzly replies easily, looking back up at the sky. “The way he acts says the opposite.”

She looks back at him again, gaze soft. He meets her eyes, that feeling stirring in his chest again. It chips away at the walls he put up, spilling through the cracks.

“But the stars won’t shine,” Simon tells her, holding her as close as he can.

She chuckles again, breath ghosting over his lips. “The stars only shine so long as the moon does too. They can’t be-” She winces again. “Can’t be separated.”

One of his hands reaches up, bare palm against her cheek as his thumb strokes underneath her eye. She leans into his touch, tilting to lay a gentle kiss against his skin while holding his palm against her skin with her own. Ghost doesn’t know who leans in first, but before he knows it, his balaclava is shoved over his nose and their lips are slotted together.

It’s soft and tender to start with.

Then that ugly thing in his chest rears its head, pressing him to hold the back of her head and kiss her harder.

Grizzly responds in kind, hands roughly grasping at his shoulders.

She falls back onto the grass, his body over hers as he worships her with his touch.

“No?” Simon questions, wishing that he could just mold their bodies together.

“No,” she affirms, eyes starting to drift closed. “Never.”

He hums, and she nuzzles closer.

The blood–hers, his, it doesn’t matter anymore–is sticky on his clothes, but he can’t bring himself to care.

“And the stars could never shine without the moon,” Grizzly growls against his lips.

He swallows the sound of her voice, staking a claim on her from the searing kiss. He takes and takes and takes and she just lets him, taking and taking and taking in her own way. They were both broken and hurting, granted at different levels, but still were coming together in a clashing of emotion.

It burns and soothes the ugly thing in his chest, nourishing and depleting his soul at the same time.

Her hand falls from his cheek, eyes fluttering nearly shut as the rise and fall of her chest stills. He can feel the own aching in his body fading into a numb sting, eyelids as heavy as her body in his arms. Simon exhales, breath dispersing in a puff of white into the cool air.

The darkness swallows him whole, except instead of painful it’s gentle.

He doesn’t fear it–just like before–but because of different reasons this time.

The embrace is welcome, because he knows that there’s someone waiting on the other side.

A/N: I'm sorry for putting you guys through this

#simon ghost riley #simon ghost riley x female oc #call of duty #mw2 #ghost call of duty #simon riley #angst #inspired by a song #inspired by a tiktok

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carinavi5 · 9 months

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I've just finished rewatching Good Omens s2 but with my parents this time. I was expecting a bigger reaction, or maybe a few negative ones spread around the episodes. But that was not the case, and it somehow makes me feel more crushed.

I was expecting my dad to complain, at least slightly, while watching the show. He doesn't typically like quiet, gentle and romantic shows but I was expecting for him to at least pay attention to this one since he truly liked season 1. But no. After the first episode, to which he did pay a bit more attention to, he has been with his phone all the time. I've even had to ask him to lower the volume at times. When I ask him what he thinks about the show or anything regarding it, he simply answers with something similar to "Well..." or some kind of mumble or sigh.

My mom, who is more open than my dad about this topics, has been paying attention and everything. She's also not a big fan of romance but when in other shows there's something as big and beautiful as this ending or something unexpected, she does comment on it. This time, she hasn't really said anything.

They are both usually vocally homophobic/transphobic, and it somehow hurts me that this wasn't even big enough to deserve their complaints.

I read someone talking about how devastated his mom was after the ending and how the show may have "cured" his mom's homophobia. (Neil Gaiman answered him, you may have read it too) It made me a bit hopeful.

I was silly to expect anything at all from my parents. I wanted them to at least care about the main characters about whom I've heard them talk so fondly about. I just wanted to see them care about queer individuals. I just wanted them to feel a bit invested in the emotional lives of the characters I know they liked.

Negativity shows at least a bit of worry and attachment. I was expecting negative reactions towards the "background" characters but hoping for investment and worry and sadness about the main ones, especially from my mother's side. But they haven't.

I should feel grateful they aren't showing specially big negative emotions about this lovely couple, right?

I hope this doesn't sound silly. Complaining because they didn't give a negative reaction... I'm kind of crying right now. I hope others feel my desperation and sadness, I don't want to seem childish. Maybe I'm reading too much into it. Maybe it's good that they don't care. Even if it was an obviously devastating and emotionally charged ending with two characters they previously seemed to care about as the spotlight of it.

I am queer, but I could still bring a masculine, straight, cis man home as a partner. I could end up never having to introduce any partner to my parents, regardless of the reason. Maybe I'm exaggerating. They wouldn't react negatively, they'd simply not care. It's good... Right?

#good omens #good omens season 2 #neil gaiman #aziraphale #crowley #homophobia #or maybe not since there was no fkng reaction #sorry for using this as my diary

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cherry-lbs · 4 months

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So my roommate is batshit FUCKING CRAZY.

She literally works today (online) 2-10 yet she comes downstairs & knocks on my bedroom door & I don't answer because I'm half asleep. It's my day off so I'm not really in the mood to deal with her ... But then she knocks again. And again. And I'm thinking, fucks sake, she's going to go away eventually, right? NO ! She starts POUNDING on my fucking door. She does this for like 5 mins because it's locked & she can't come in & I even hear her try the lock again. She starts YELLING

Like I don't answer so she starts yelling my name & pounding on my locked door at the same time. I still don't answer & I pull my blanket over my head. The knocking stops for a minute & I'm like maybe she finally left but NO. OF COURSE NOT. SHE PICKED MY LOCK.

She picked the fucking lock on my door AGAIN & broke into my room even though I've told her I fucking lock it so no one will come in & bother me when I'm sleeping. I even told her last time she did this not to do it again !! I FUCKING TOLD HER NOT TO. BUT SHE IGNORES ME

She claims, again, she only woke me up to make sure I was okay even though I told her last time even if that's the case not to do it because I'm fine & just sleeping. & I know she's lying bc her first words to me were "get up & come help me clean". She's literally only saying she was checking on me so she can feel justified behaving like a psycho & come off as kind & oh so motherly when she talks shit about me to other people later on ... 😐

She pounded on my door & screamed & broke in & woke me up because she wanted me to use my day off to clean (apparently more important than me getting well deserved rest) & even though I was gone for 3 days & got back like a day ago she was talking AGAIN how no one ever cleans. HOW IS THAT MY PROBLEM??

There's still shit laying around that was laying around before I left Saturday afternoon so I really think she needs to take a step back & look at herself. Like no one else leaves their clothes on the bathroom floor for a week when they take a fucking shower. She also got a Dyson with her husband's money & left the box in our bathroom downstairs for almost two weeks until I took it up on myself to take it to the kitchen with the trash.

I was GONE but somehow yet again I am the only one being disrespected & chewed out for other people's mess. Like her husband is home rn but I don't see him cleaning. I work as much as he does !! & her Nana's only job is the dishes which have been laying there dirty since long before I left. Also she listed a bunch of stuff she supposedly cleaned but when I looked it didn't look like anything had changed ... She then said she took the Christmas decorations down when most of them were still up when I went out there & claimed to my face she had put them all up on her own so I just kind of stared at her bc it was such a bald faced lie. I helped her put the tree together & I helped her get the ornaments out of her Nana's closet & put them on, & I helped put up the fucking garlands & etc ... Nothing but the audacity.

She acts like no one ever cleans but her when SHE never does anything but complain we aren't doing anything. She literally hires her mom to do her fucking laundry. Like that's ridiculous & sad. Also I'm always wiping down counters, cleaning after myself, changing the trash & taking it outside, emptying the dishwasher & putting THEIR dishes away bc I hardly ever go into the kitchen - even loaded the fucking thing for her.

I kinda psyched out on her like I was so shaken up I was physically & visibly shaking, standing in my door pulling at my hair while she sat on my bed looking at me like I was the crazy one, again not willing to acknowledge she was in the wrong ... I don't know what's worse. If she knows she's in the wrong & convinces herself she is in the right, or if it never even occurs to her that she's in the wrong & thinks I'm the one who is actually crazy ???

I ended up doing a whole bunch of shit & she followed me around the house & she threw the fact that she takes me to work in my face again. Mind you she only has to take me to work because I got hired at a location within walking distance with her but she behaved so unprofessionally they rescinded MY offer with some lame excuse ... & I had to apply at another location which is an hr walk away. & I don't drive or own a car.

I literally give her gas money & even though it's her fault she still constantly gripes about it & comments shit about me being able to walk & how she will only pick me up from my work & I'm not allowed to walk anywhere else if I get out early & have to wait several hours for her or she isn't going to come & pick me up.

She also compared breaking into my room by literally picking the lock to me going into her unlocked open door to wake her up when we've discussed that I am to wake her up multiple times & at what times. I literally get up an extra hour early & lose sleep bc she's entitled af ... I get up 2 hours before work so she can drop me off & come home & cook a meal for her lard ass to eat before work when we both work at 2 & she could easily get up when I do & cook & eat & then take me & come back & clock in ??? She also got mad about a week ago because she works Wednesday & I don't so obviously I didn't wake her up to take me so she slept through her alarms & was an hour late. Which I honestly think is karma for making me an hour late the day before that.

We had plans to get up early so she could take me to immediate care bc my eye was cut from a split contact & she made me walk to a doctor's office instead when I went to get her because she didn't feel like getting up to take me. The doctors office didn't even have an ICU so I had to walk all the way back & wake her up again & she asked me to let her sleep ANOTHER HALF HOUR & then she'd take me to one near my work. Laying there complaining abt her eyes burning from the light. When my eye was SLICED UP. If anyone was tired, suffering from burning eyes ... It was me. I didn't sleep at all because we made the plans to be up early & she laid there complaining she needed more sleep when she had gotten 8 hrs by this point. So the hypocrisy & lack of self awareness was an irony not lost on me lmfao

By the time we left icu & I got to work it was 3, when I'm supposed to clock in at 2 ... When we had originally planned to get up at 10am ... But back to the plot.

She also stood there listing off everything she wanted me to do & how to do it when I left my room & started unloading all THEIR dishes, the same ones I loaded in before I left. After telling her she was acting insane & it was rude behavior while she played fucking dumb. I unloaded the stupid dishwasher & wiped the counters down & vacuumed everything & cleaned the switches & the shower & the sink & the toilet & the mirrors & took the trash outside & replaced it & now I'm back in my room & I'm just really shaken up ... Texting my mom.

She also stood there watching me & eventually said sorry but I know she only did it bc she was upset I was upset & not actually repentant. & She made me hug her because SHE felt bad. I just gave her the stupid hug & kept unloading the dishwasher & pretended to calm down bc I didn't really want to deal with it anymore ...

But then after I clean everything she comes down an hour later & I hear her go in our bathroom huffing & puffing & she sarcastically says "thanks for cleaning the bathroom" & then claims she's going to have to "redo it" like there's literally nothing you can fucking do to make her happy she's determined to be upset by everything.

Why pound & scream at my door for a half hour (her words) if my cleaning is so unsatisfactory to you that you still feel like you have to do it yourself ??? Not to mention her grandma clogged the toilet yesterday & she's complained to me multiple times her nana never flushes & leaves the toilet to get discolored but then she tells me I need to make sure I flush. I hadn't used the bathroom & she knows her nana has that nasty habit ??? She's literally just saying it to be rude & piss me the fuck off because she hates that I have a valid reason to be upset with her & she doesn't have a valid reason to be upset with me. I even laundry around last night & went upstairs to talk to her & make sure there was nothing that needed to be left out & less than 24 hrs later she wants to pull some shit like this & act like I never do anything around here when I do more than my fair share even. Like she said yesterday she wished I would call off so I could help her clean HER room & go to bath & body works with her. Like are you kidding ??? (I say this knowing she definitely isn't, considering how many times I've gone up there and hung up all of her clothes, which takes me like an hour ever fucking time even though she only wears like 5% of what she owns.)

I then joked around yesterday after work she should call off so we could go today, thinking she would see just how unserious that is, & she thought I was serious & started talking abt times that we could get up & go !?

Anyways, I'm probably going to bike to work tomorrow even though it's gonna fucking suck ass (30 minutes minimum & mostly uphill, plus I'll have to bike home in the dark after 10pm when it's going to be freezing) so that I don't have to put up with her & all her shit. Glad I didn't give her any gas money yesterday when I had the cash on me ... Used it to buy my mom a plush rottweiler that she can put on her desk next to her husky plush.

(For context, we've had two dogs pass away, & the husky represents the husky we lost, so I'm getting her the Rottweiler one so he can sit next to her & keep her company & my mom can have one to represent each.)

Already going to be broke for the next 2 weeks because I sent the piece of shit my rent money over Christmas.

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anotherchangingtide · 5 months

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Today was shot #11!

Last week's shot wound up bleeding rather a lot more than those previous; I didn't find that out until I removed the bandage later on, but for the sake of SCIENCE™ I decided to try the previous injection method this week, thinking that maybe the new injection method suggested by the nurse practitioner might've led to the increased bleeding. My thinking behind this was that either: 1) releasing the pinched skin before starting the actual injection was causing it to bleed more, or 2) the increased dosage itself was (by way of displacing the blood or whatever).

WELP.

This week I went back to the held-pinch method, and when I withdrew the needle and released the skin, it BLED. A LOT. ...Well, not a frightening amount, but certainly more than just a bit of beading or spotting (as was the standard with the lower dosage). This time it welled up to the point that it was ready to run clean down my leg if I didn't catch it with the cotton ball.

So there's my answer!

The pinch > insert needle > release method seems to bleed considerably less at the time of injection (even if it results in a bloodier bandage), so I'll follow the nurse practitioner's advice and swap to that instead from next week onward. Granted, I won't check on my bandage from this injection until later on to know if it's continued to bleed, but I've got a feeling that this is going to bleed more overall than last week.

I'm also experiencing around the same amount of discomfort with either method on this new dosage, so I don't see any reason not to go with the one that seems to bleed less when the needle's drawn out of the skin.

There's still some soreness and delayed itching, but both are really mild and barely an inconvenience.

As a peripheral thing, I've been experiencing some muscle stiffness / joint pain, but... I honestly think that's my age catching up with me more than anything else.

My knees have been complaining about stairs since my mid-twenties; it stands to reason that, a decade later, they'd start griping more loudly.

Age and genetics both point to me being around the age where I'll start to get complaining joints, so I'm inclined to think that this particular thing isn't related to the hormone stuff - but I figured I'd note it here, just in case.

Other than that - I'm definitely noticing more changes in my body hair, particularly that I'm developing more on my chest. My face feels itchier, which makes me think I'm getting more face fuzz soon too.

I'm definitely noticing the pitch drop in my voice, too; every so often, it'll even "break" a little bit - which is weirdly exciting! I don't know for sure how much deeper it'll drop, but I'm glad for this particular change. (I think I mentioned before that the vocal change was one of the changes I was most eager for - but it bears repeating~)

I also feel like my mood is feeling a bit improved overall, in ways that are difficult to put into words. The one I've most noticed, and the simplest one to describe, is that I feel as though I bounce back from things that used to knock me on my proverbial ass for a while. Things that used to upset me to the point of spoiling my mood for an entire day or night (or longer) now seems to pass over me much, much more quickly. I still feel sadness and anger, I still experience feeling upset or offended, but it doesn't stick around or linger anywhere near as badly anymore. Negativity doesn't drag me down the way it used to - at least, it hasn't in a good while now. I feel lighter, somehow, and it's really strange and wonderful!

I'm not entirely sure if this is a result of the hormones, or owing to the changing chemistry in my brain, or if it's the beginnings of gender euphoria, or if it's as simple as me being happier in general for having taken these steps. Whatever it is, I'm glad for it!

#ftm #ftm transition #transition #gender affirming healthcare #needle mention #blood mention

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fff777 · 6 months

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Commentary on NCT 127 Nimdle

I've watched some clips in this before (without context) but this is the first time I'm actually sitting down to watch.

Mission NCTble

Jaehyun threading the needle - somehow he vibes like the kind of guy who would be good at household tasks (like Jaemin lol)

Winwin tying the balloon - No but this is ALWAYS the struggle I have when blowing balloons

Winwin and Yuta popping the balloon - Everyone noting how Yuta is way too happy ^^;; But also the balloon deflating lmao

Taeyong fixing Winwin's microphone as he's busy blowing the balloon for the second time

LMAO Yuta has to peel the tangerine which is inside a wrapped box, tin foil, and plastic wrap T_T I feel like he has a lot more to do than the others

To be honest, I'm not feeling this era where a lot of the members had bowl cuts

Winwin getting REAL up close and personal with blowing the stickies off of Johnny's face lol

Waiting Doyoung has to eat the entire tangerine omg I thought it was just a slice

Mission NCTble Behind the scenes

Wait I can't believe there's a behind the scenes for a 7 minute clip

Winwin getting translation help

Taeyong's so good at catching food in his mouth lol, 100% accuracy

Is Johnny really that much taller than Winwin? News to me lol.

Johnny put the post-its on Winwin's face, and then just turned around and put them on his own face X'D So he was just helping Winwin without needing or letting Winwin help him put his. Winwin really is baobao TAT

Mission NCTble Unseen Footage

Winwin and balloon woes

Mark trying to chest bump Winwin to exemplify popping the balloon without having to tie the opening and it did not work

Snack Delivery

Oh wow each box not only has a pizza but also several side orders?

Can't get over how young Mahae look

Haechan wants to be carried by Johnny and Yuta

Entire team fitting in the massive elevator

Pillow Quiz

Haechan got a boiled egg as reward food lmfao

Yuta gets sad when Winwin watches anime without him ^^;; clingy

Taeyong has a piece of paper over his chest to cover up the name brand lmao

What do you mean Taeyong likes febreze lmao. I'm guessing it's that artificial citrus smell?

Haechan's second reward food: vegetaable wrap XD

Doyoung knows Taeyong so well ^^;; (Taeyong wanted to see Taeil do the TT dance)

Doyoung cooking for Johnny :3

Mark went up to answer and Doyoung complained that there was a queue and Mark was very earnestly going to go line up but Doyoung and Taeyong were like no you silly little bab, just go answer XD

Mark touched da (Jaehyun's) butt pass it on

Oh wow Haechan joined SM before Doyoung. I think Doyoung joined when he was 17 or 18 ("older") compared to all the Dreamies who joined pretty young.

Haechan special handshake with Jaehyun

Doyoung likes huoguo? I know awsaz happened years later so but considering Renjun is the huoguo connoisseur, they'd have something to bond over lol. (But of course tastes change over time.)

Haechan has so many food prizes wow. He is good at games though.

Johnny and Mark both heard boksu as revenge instead of plural ^^;; Just diaspora things.

Both Winwin and Taeil have been pretty quiet for the game ^^;;

The guys are having such a hard time guessing Winwin's third question ("I think it's cute when ___ does ___") and it makes me think that maybe he's just quiet when he's enjoying something so people just don't know lol.

Mark complimenting Haechan's cooking :3

I feel like Winwin's just comfortable watching ^^;;

Oooh so apparently at this time Winwin was still relying more on translation so that's why he isn't as fast as the others. So Yuta was consoling him a bit, and Taeyong worried that Winwin didn't have any food prizes ;_;

Omg Taeyong said to let Winwin answer first ;_; He really did baby Winwin a lot then huh ;_;

Introducing food from Pillow Quiz

So apparently "hot dog" in Korea is more like a corndog

Taeil pinching Mark's ear for being cute :3

Some of the guys randomly got pizza. I'm not sure why.

Make Your Partner Laugh

I've seen the Dowin part of this ^^;; Guess I'll finally get the context

Nooo Taeyong so dejected lol

Winwin's little hop as he's preparing to make his members laugh ^^;;

Doyoung's already anticipating the cute

Taeil wants to be Winwin's lunch partner so bad

Aw the guys sharing their food with Taeil because he has to eat alone

Taeil and Haechan both stealing some instant noodles

Lunch Time

Yuta's mom said that getting something for free is the scariest thing in the world. I guess it's because you don't know what the price is for getting something for free.

Yuta gave his lunchbox to Taeil :3

Yuta sharing the steak with all the others :3

Taeyong's always asking Yuta about Japanese. I remember he would ask him how to say things in the NCT Life trip to Osaka.

Aw Mark already feeling bad for Taeil.

Civilized exchange of two fried shrimp for Haechan's chicken (?)

Mark and Jaehyun aren't the most conversational :P

Mark said "Sharing is Caring" and got told off by Yuta for speaking in English ToT

Honestly salad as dessert is not too bad.

Haechan and Johnny have so much food

Haechan is so social eh :3 First trading chicken for fried shrimp and then delivering pizza to Taeil.

Haechan being like I'm so full my stomach is sticking out and Johnny being like That's how stomachs usually are

Winwin gave part of the sandwich to Taeil and being like "Poor Taeil v.v"

Dowin's first time eating together :3c

Doyoung is the one going out and brokering food trades :P I think Winwin's happy with whatever

The captions called Doyoung the mother bird who kept bringing food back :3

Winwin learning Korean words with Doyoung ;_; Doyoung really has so much patience and care

Haechan taught Winwin how he can share noodles in the lid :3

Taeil's the only one trying to turn this mukbang into a show lol.

Taeil: I've suddenly become rich.

Kkanari Night

I feel like the guys have not been given enough time to practise the dances lol

Winwin got a dud ToT

LMAO Mark performing Bad Girl Good Girl so mechanically

When Doyoung was dancing, Haechan was at the side doing the dance like the cool mom from Mean Girls lol. I think he's helping them as a guide though since he's good at other groups' dances lol.

I think both Haechan and Jaehyun know their assigned dances very well lol.

Winwin just completely freestyling lol. I have a feeling he doesn't know this song at all ^^;;

All the guys learning Winwin's dance so they can help him ;_;

Lol Taeil the catman

Johnny is so embarrassed about the butt wiggle lol

Kkanari Night Behind the Scenes

Ah so Taeil likes playing with ears too (like Junmyeon and Mark). But Taeil was actually folding his ear all the way in like a squish toy ^^;;

Winwin trying to guess beforehand which ones will taste bad and Yuta trying to stop him

Jaehyun briefly doing the TT dance.

Winwin doing the Russian Roulette dance :3

Kkanari Night Unseen Footage

Winwin unsuccessful at pawning off his dance to the others. At that point all of the members would have spent time practising their own parts.

Omg...Doyoung calling for all of the guys to help Winwin. He was like Haechan we need you...please...help coach our Winwin.

Break Time

Winwin playing with the xylophone :3

Jaehyun asking Winwin to sing while he accompanies with xylophone ;_; But Winwin doesn't really want to sing and just goes back to playing with the xylophone.

Haechan comes over to join the party.

Bottle of water?????

Mark explaining Quebec to Taeil lmao. It's cute that Taeil is so curious and asking more about why they speak French.

Twister

Taeyong already in danger mode

Taeil and Winwin are holding it out. I think it's because they're kind of separated on the mat, so they aren't going to cross over each other.

Winwin was in charge of spinning and running the next round and Mark was like "let's do it together" :3 The guys help him out so much :3

Doyoung struggling from turn 1

Ooooh so this is where Jaehyun, Winwin, and Haechan got the pizzas from. I guess the playlist didn't have the games in order ^^;;

Rolling Paper

It doesn't surprise me that the Koreans would have messier handwriting. I think when it comes to the language you're most fluent in, you think faster than you speak so you just want to hurry up and finish writing to get the point across. Whereas especially for the foreigners like Winwin and Yuta who were starting from scratch, they might be taking formal lessons and writing homework.

LOL Jaehyun got frustrated with the guys not being able to read his writing and just said the rest of his message out loud.

After the end the guys were like "...uh so how do we end this" lol.

Johnny's board was mostly in English lmao. I think I saw one message in Korean.

Lol a lot of the guys have limited English so their messages ended up being similar.

Soulless message from Doyoung lol

Haechan's unexpectedly soft message to Doyoung <3

Doyoung knows his members so well, he's guessing all of the writers correctly

Taeyong the guy with a heart the size of a teaspoon ToT Dotae forever squabbling

Jaehyun read Johnny's message and then they had a hug about it and Johnny snuck in an "I love you" in English

Did Yuta really say "let's get married" to Jaehyun ToT

LMAO Haechan was so ready for an ass boop (or a spanking???)

I hen respect you X'D

It's nice that Yuta can write Chinese characters (because of kanji being a thing)

Haechan writing Mandarin but with Korean hangul X'D

Johnny's message to Winwin was really nice though uwu

Omg Johnny's message to Haechan...working hard so that Haechan will grow up to be strong ToT That's very sweet

WAIT did Winwin say he was open to more kissies from Haechan XD Opposite of Yuta who said no more kith

Rolling Paper Behind the scenes

Winwin writing his messages with the help of the interpreter

Taeyong: Our Mark is going through adolescence, there are a lot of things I want to say to him That is so mom of him

Bonus Track

Writing their questions down for the pillow quiz

Winwin determined to find the kkanari with his nose

Getting polaroid shots

Winwin playing with the camcorder

Johnny the weatherman

Omg Mr. Staff's heart skipping a beat after making eye contact with Taeyong X'D

JAEWIN BLUE RED CROSS!!!!! So it looks like after orange lemon cross they just kept the cross thing going on and that's why they still do it ;_;

Winwin so shocked when Yuta told him the camera was already looking for him. A boy who's still not used to idol variety I guess.

Taeil's hand is just stuck to Mark's ear.

After Winwin, Yuta, Jaehyun, and Haechan took a selfie, Winwin went around to Jaehyun to take another one with just the two of them ;_; Jaehyun is Winwin's favourite.

#screencaps & commentaries #nct #nct 127

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patheticdogs · 1 year

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super super super long rambling like way more than essay length like actually insane shit like I'm crawling inside the sewers and there was a depressed boy's emo poetry scattered around

it's hard to see a future where anything gets better, how can I believe that when my life has been this repeated? it's been drilled into me that I have to be useful to have worth, even if I have worth besides that people get unhappy and attempt suicide, I am in a ballroom dancing with my responsibilities and if they let go I and everyone else die

it's hypocritical to try and prevent the suicide of others when I'm like this, after how many times I've tried I'm convinced I just couldn't possibly make it work, instead I cover myself in wounds and pity, as if this time it will be different, and somehow my pain will be acknowledged and everything will be heavenly, what is a plea for attention versus a mental health crisis, I get enough attention as is

I have to do things to make myself worthy of the attention I receive, right now even being awake is being ungrateful because I'm disobeying expectation, I can't have boundaries because then I can't be good, no one can offer what I want but I can receive the praise of doing a good job, obviously I love helping independently of that

all I ever do is waste my time, I don't want responsibility, I'm scared of dependency, I crave time for me and acknowledgment but these fears can't be voiced because they're disappointing, I have to be a perfect image or else I will be looked at with the knowledge I can never be what someone wants because my own feelings get in the way, it doesn't matter if no one holds themselves to that standard, I am always the exception, people do not force themselves to do something because they know it would make someone else happy, it's the nature of the world versus the nature of me

I think this is all strong evidence for me being an angel, I don't die when I bleed out, I am entirely alien to the rest of the world, the way I act is unnatural, I am too self sacrificing, anyone who comes across me feels as if I'm owned a debt from them even if they have no intentions of rectifying that feeling

am I the only person that notices the repetition? is every person the same? why do I stand out? I wish I could get into the head of the people I've know to hear what they really think about me, I can't imagine it'd sound good, I wish I could go back to heaven and never have a worry again

I am like a badly taken care of family heirloom, passed from person to person and treasured dearly, people think about repairing or fixing the damage time has done but they don't act on it, my colors are faded and I'm riddled with holes, badly sewn on patches from futile attempts to change anything, falling off because they never stayed to finish the job

I'm a passenger in my own life and a tool for someone else's, I've resigned myself to this and have built a reputation of being a responsible and reliable person, people do not expect disappoint from me, follow through is the norm, I envy people who are the opposite despite still managing to experience the bad parts of both

I'm lazy and irresponsible, I never work hard enough, but I'm too self sacrificing, I never talk about how I feel but I'm too sad all of the time, I ignore feelings that crush me just so I don't have to reexplain myself

it's been funny watching every person I've known be forced into some sort of hospitalization while I have never even spoken to a professional about my mental health past the one time my doctor was vaguely concerned about my cutting at age 11 or 12, it feels like I don't even exist outside the people I associate with, like I'm more of a side character that supports the protagonist, I am the character that encourages them to better themselves but is then forgotten about, or as kitty would say to me, I am a backup option, I am a safe person to fall back on because my loyalty is endless, I do not set boundaries, I do not complain, and when I do, I go back on it in favor of normalcy

and no matter what I do, I am in a cycle of hell, 7 years of my life I have been a servant and not a person, it's hard to feel like a person, I don't know what standards to hold myself to, I don't know how to be nice to myself or how to ask for anything good, I have been literally trained to expect nothing

I always tell myself that everyone I've known has had it worse than me, I was never abused enough, I was never groomed enough, I was never hated enough, I was never enough at all to compare myself to these other people and even acknowledging how bad things were I still can't see myself being a priority, I don't know how to be fixed

the fact I'm expected to know what to say to make someone feel better but no one has anything to say to me is soul crushing, I feel like I cannot be heard no matter what I say, this isn't even going to be read or acknowledged, I've spent 20 minutes writing about how miserable I am but what is this going to do? what will this change? I do this every few months, I beg for help but it doesn't work, it doesn't change, I am a rock for anyone that needs me but I fall through the hands of others like sand

when I am sad I make others sad, that is always a first priority, my feelings have to be hidden in a way they cannot be acknowledged, that's why I write here instead of being upfront about anything, because then there is no expectation for someone to respond, there's no quiet acknowledgment that I'm hopeless because someone doesn't know what to say again, my problems are drama for people to get off on, I'd beg at someone's feet just to feel seen

I have to hurt myself to get the toxic feelings out, if not they build up inside me and I become poisonous to those around me, I stop being what I show to others, I stop being nice and cute and friendly and I lose my energy and willingness to sacrifice my wellbeing for others, I make people feel guilty for struggling just by helping, what is the correct amount of help, when do people become dependent on my help to succeed, I have been doing highschool to college level work since 6th grade because of the people I have surrounded myself with

I want to feel wanted so much, I want to lay my head down for hours knowing I can stay that way safely without anyone coming to hurt me or scold me or think I'm dead I want peace and I want disgusting shameful things that I've told myself to see as horrible so I can never hope I get it again as if it was a test from god to see if I know shame to which I've failed more times than I can count

I noticed I always come back later to make sure nothing I say can be taken as a threat to daily life, nothing too out there that can shake things up too much, there are hands around my throat controlling my actions, there is a person inside what I present, he's not hardworking, he's not smart, charming, or suave, he is scared and naked and beaten, he is covered in more scars than there are stars in the sky

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whythewords · 1 year

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Grinding for life EXP

I mentioned something in the last post about how I jump on here and complain when things are bad but occasionally celebrate the wins. Well, I got a fucking job! Decent-sized win there.

It's only been two weeks at it, just starting my third but it's going well. I'm feeling good about things so far. It's another step in the master plan, "the big reset" as I have been wont to call it. Did get a bit of a gut punch after looking at house prices in the area and realizing I had zero chance of affording anything, even on the pretty decent salary I was able to snag as someone new to this line of work....but I did my best to shake it off and resume the plan.

I'm gonna put in a year at this new gig, see where I'm at, see if there's any opportunity for growth. I'm going to check back in with the housing market, will it have gotten better or worse? Can I stay here and still attain the ultimate goal of reclaiming my independence after what has already been over a two year slog that somehow simultaneously felt like an eternity and the blink of an eye? And if the answer is no, we move to Plan B...

At some other point in this journal over the last couple of years I've made mention of the idea of moving out east, something I have romanticized for a little while. I've since wavered a little bit on my absolute commitment to that plan, citing the profoundly sad side-effect of being hundreds of miles away from my family and many of my friends...but the way things are now, it almost seems as if I'd need to do that out of necessity...

Nova Scotia has been calling to me for a while. I have great memories of visiting there as a kid in 2000 on a big road trip with my folks, but the real eastern bug bit me when I visited much later as an adult, visiting a friend who had moved out there. Something just felt right. The following year I was there again and just appreciated the slow pace of living even more. As it stands now, housing prices are a lot more reasonable out there...but naturally that could change in a year. In fact, this whole deal has several factors that need to be taken into account: I would be leaving my family and most of my friends, I would need to secure a job out there, things could be very different there in a year in terms of real estate and cost of living. But is it a bad plan? No, not at all. And the idea of ACTUALLY resetting and finding my place in an entirely new locale is once again equal parts scary and very exciting.

But what about sticking around? Is it doable? Perhaps on two incomes. Meaning I would have to find someone my age (many of which I'm finding are already living on their own) and somehow translate that situation into a long-term "let's live together" thing. That would kill off the whole part of the dream where I finally experience what it's like to live TRULY on my own. Not with a roommate, not with a partner, just me. Is it unrealistic to want to do that first? Kinda seems like it is in this economy, and hey guess what? I fucking hate that. I should be able to live that dream. In fact that SHOULDN'T BE a dream. It should just be a normal, societal thing that is easy to do if you have a decent job and a good head on your shoulders. but alas, it seems the last time anyone my age was able to afford to buy a place of their own, was....when I bought half of a place of my own...with my ex-wife. Fuck man.

But let me claw out of this depressing bullshit and back into the "win celebrating" part of this reflection. I AM through a lot of the tough stuff. I did feel myself slipping back into a lonely oblivion for a second there and the online dating thing is seemingly back to a place where it provides a somewhat healthy distraction from that. It is still a LITTLE bit exhausting though. I got to a point with it where, as per usual, I'm ready to call it quits again for a while. So, as always, I figured I'd try one last blitz where I actually USE the apps for a few weeks and fire off messages and likes and whatever other bullshit is available to me, just to play the numbers game and see what sticks. Actually got a couple of matches, started some conversations, they're attractive, they seem cool...the conversations could fizzle out and die at any moment like they often do....ya know, the usual! I think the important part is being prepare for it and being okay with it. Part of me obviously gets bummed out, but another part of me thinks "I dodged the bullet of having to tell these women I live with my parents, and THEN getting the rejection after that. I did drop the ex bomb on one of them already, so she knows I was previously married and it hasn't scared her away...yet.

That's the other thing man, I never know what the conduct is. Should I just put it in my fucking profile that I'm divorced and living with my folks? It shouldn't be a dealbreaker for a lot of people, it may not even be if they actually took the time to get to know me and understand why and how I got to this place...but it IS. It IS a dealbreaker for a lot of folks. And I just want to get the information out before even asking them on a date because I'd feel guilty about blindsiding them with that info...but should I feel guilty about that? I dunno. Each time I do a run of a few months on these apps I feel like I inch even closer to the acceptance that I just ought not bother even trying until I'm living on my own again. Yet another school of thought on this whole situation, and who's to say whether or not its right?

I do know one thing: Loneliness and hurt is a motherfucker. But it does fade. I am still fighting. The desperation demon does still poke at me every so often and has to catch these damn hands. But despite all this, I am levelling. I mean like...like balanced. Like levelling off, not levelling up....

Wait....

Yeah, you know what? Fuck it.

I'n levelling up.

Like a fucking video game character, I am levelling up. And once I've gathered enough EXPERIENCE points...I'll be stronger than ever.

I'll get there. It's like any game. It takes time to get good.

#life of joe #not so daily journal

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toxicgreenslushi · 2 years

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I'm chronically depressed. I say lately I've been depressed, but its been pretty much been my entire life. I go through periods of time were it's less impactful, easier to ignore. But right now I feel sad, I find myself thinking that a lot. Maybe I'm just a sad person. Destined to be an unsatisfied chronic complainer for the rest of my natural born life. It's so easy for me to find fault; in myself, in others, in life. Seeing the ugliness and pointing it out (even just making a mental note of it to yourself) is so much easier than finding the genuine good. It's a natural reflex at this point. I am a negative and unhappy person. I don't want to be. I don't find joy in this way of existing, complaining seems cathartic in the moment but does little in the way of changing a situation. I look around at my life and see all thats changed and the impact I can have on my own situation and surroundings. But still, somehow, come up short in my mind. Lately my relationship is getting me down. Idk if it's just me or my insufferable need to control things, or if I have valid reasons for my unhappiness. I don't always allow myself to be honest and I think thats a problem a lot of us have. We spend so long constructing a life that even if that life is unsatisfying or the narrative heavily fabricated, we cannot bare to part with what we have. Because then what? We will have nothing? We will have nothing. And something mediocre is better than nothing at all, right? We fear change and we fear that this might be as good as it gets. We convince ourselves the alternative is worse or that there may be no alternative. We fear we will ruin our lives by deconstructing things we made, lives we created. Because if we tear them down, we will have to start from scratch. We will have to face the terrifying unknown.

I don't want to look back at my life with regret. I don't want to stay stuck because thats what felt safe. I can't blame my partner or my relationship for all my problems, and I won't. But sometimes I wonder if I am where I'm supposed to be.

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selfreflect2022 · 2 years

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Thursday, June 9, 2022

Hello there! It's been quite some time since I've written anything as a lot has been going on. I finalized my court case, ended up getting a year probation, had to take an anger management class, and pay restitution. Overall I'm happy with what I got and avoided prison because that's what I was facing. It's very surreal to me to say that I could've ended up in prison. I can't even myself being I'm there. The most degrading thing is that I had to take a mugshot, DNA, and fingerprints. It became very real to me at that point of what was happening. I just followed orders and dis what they say. In a way I sorta disconnected from my mental and physical self and just became a robot. Very hard to explain what I felt that day. But, after my year probation I'm getting the case sealed and this will be over on 5/13/2023!

Summer is in full swing. This year we decided to live outdoors. We bought a projector to watch movies, moved some of the furniture around, setup R's pool, and Joe got some good fertilizer for the grass so all is good there. I've been working out and attempting to eat right. That seems to be my major problem is getting the food under control. I don't know what it is with my and food that I just can't stop myself. I buy healthy foods with the intention on eating it and then somehow I just vere off track and end up eating everything I'm NOT supposed to eat. I gotta make an appointment for my yearly stuff that I haven't done in over 2-3 years. I gotta get that aspect of my life in order.

Husband and I are good. I feel like we've reconnected in a way. Either that or my libido is just high. I find something so attractive about that man, but he drives me absolutely nuts too. I guess that's love.

The rental...well S is moving out because she's buying a house and it turns out that my neighbors are getting kicked out because they owners are selling the house. So, the neighbors are moving in temporarily because they are having a house built. They should be out by December sometimes. Crazy how things fall into place sometimes.

S has moved to Cape Cod and I was really sad, cried and everything which I never do. I think of her as like a little sister. Someone that still has a lot of growing up to do, oh and she's pregnant. She complains about the cottage lifestyle over there and how everything is so expensive. I told her that before, but of course she knows more than anyone so I just let her. She's good though.

R's 7th birthday happened last week. We took him to Elitch with the Miracle's and he had a blast. I would not go back to the Elitches, but as long as he had fun that all I care about. I don't know if C attracts negativity or chaos, but it seems like there is always something going on with her that affects her life in a crazy way. Or maybe it's just the way she operates and it's her norm, but it stresses me out.

Work...oh, work. So, P fired the FT person he hired for AP so we are down to a PT and his daughter. It's working out ok, but I've had to step in a couple of times to help. Is it annoying, yes, but it is what it is. He also told us that he is in the first stages of Parkinsons so just really sad to hear that. When he told us he got choked up and he made it sound like it was a death sentence. I think he's still adjusting to what his new life will look like and is trying to come to terms with that. Not sure what direction the company is going in, but he reassured us that him and the partner what to keep the company going. We shall see.

I think this catches everything up to today. I'm going to try and write in more often, just the case had me really nervous and everything go really busy.

Till next time....

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starlighthan · 2 years

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about the last few posts i rb-ed in the last few days, let me share some stuff based on my own experience! :D this is about the lack of rbs/feedback problem.

i seriously appreciate comments that i received in my fics like pauwi sa iyo, a rose beside the tall bushes, and returning to balete teaser. those are some of my works that got a good amount of rbs and feedback.

what saddens me is the lack of rbs or feedback in most of my fics. as you can notice, i get around more ~10-20 rbs. the thing here is that majority of them are from me srb-ing or responding to feedback, or from networks bc i've been in more than 10 networks ever since i started writing. so if you deduct a good amount, i barely get any rbs/feedback from ACTUAL READERS.

exhibit a: breather

exhibit b: 16:18

exhibit c: unexpected visits

exhibit d: skz as your sweetest bff ever hc

exhibit e: where we belong

exhibit f: a scientific answer

yes, some of them are less than ten. they were my earlier works. i wasn't in networks yet in that time so there wasn't that much exposure but like i said, a good number of it came from me rb-ing it.

i freaking feel so sad when i check my past works and the ratio between rbs and likes is literally 1:4 or even worse than that. a part of myself admits that i'm not the best in writing but i also want some comments about it or even exposure to get that.

i am very thankful that networks exist. i get some rbs and likes here and there. BUT i just get likes most of the time, seriously.

there have been times that i worry if there'd even be people reading my work. heck, the lack of feedback contributes to the confusion on what should i write, considering that i also want to create something that a good number of readers would like.

if people don't rb a post, nobody would get to see what we made. and what could be the result of that? us losing motivation and inspiration to write. we just want to hear something from the audience but we barely get anything.

there were multiple times of me wanting to not write anymore bc i know barely anybody would read it. but i'm still continuing it since i originally started to write for my own sake, to improve in english as my second language and to show some creativity at least. at this point, i'm just writing for my own. i also wanted to share these to everybody, okay? but it's probably not happening. i just started writing last sept. 2021. pretty recent tbh and atp i got to post a lot of fics already despite that short time. unfortunately, the problem is still the same despite using tags, being in networks now, and having a larger amount of followers (i had 50 around late december, and i have more than 150 followers now apparently).

there are lots of ways to fix this problem. you've seen it in other posts about this. making a side blog, giving us ANYTHING to comment (even if it's one word or emoji, we'd appreciate it), queueing/scheduling posts, and more!!! those are simple things to do, to be honest. pretty easy.

lately, i've been getting more feedbacks and comments not only through rb-ing, but sending me asks. i deeply appreciate that fr, thank you. but i still get the similar rb-like ratio in my recent works even if i received a slightly larger amount of feedback now, it sucks.

for me here, i'd appreciate if you rb and/or give comments. i'm serious. waking up to several tags to my fic makes my day and i get more inspiration to write. if you guys kept on doing that, maybe the writing community would be SO alive rn and your fave writers probably are still here.

i don't know what else to say bc writers have been saying the same things. don't complain if any of us leaves. i might sound a little mean here but you're a contributor to that. watch me announce a hiatus soon, who knows? idk, i've been thinking about that actually but i still want to continue my wips and post them already.

that's all for me, i guess. this was pretty messy, but i hope you get it somehow. i'm not even expecting people to read this.

#r.text #r.calling

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bonny-kookoo · 2 years

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Home: Anger

Languages are marked as always: English | Korean

----

You're angry.

There's no simpler way to put it. You're upset at yourself for screwing this chance up; forgetting a deadline and failing to send in important documents before they would close down submissions again. You're throwing your folder down on your table in frustration, some of your art and concepts falling out and onto the floor, before you leave the office room, slamming the door shut before you rush past a surprised looking Jungkook who's in the kitchen eating a snack. He doesn't say anything- he knows not to bug you when you're emotional like this.

You're in the bedroom now, the room dark and quiet except for the dull sounds of someone opening the office, before there's a little noise of clattering and the chair squeaking. Jungkook will be disappointed as well as soon as he figures out what had happened. You'd tried to somehow earn your own coin again even as his significant other- but you've failed, simply because you couldn't remember the right fucking time and day.

The office door sounds yet again, before he's heard doing something in the kitchen- your phone in your pocket vibrating with an incoming message you don't want to read. You sniffle, angry at your own tears as you wipe them off harshly, unlocking your phone.

[From: JKookie] : 'I've got icecream and an open ear.'

You feel even worse now. You don't want to talk about it at all.

[From: JKookie] : 'And also I've been told I give great hugs. You know. In case you don't wanna talk.'

You sigh, sniffling before another message comes through.

[From: JKookie] : 'Please come out, I dont like you crying :( '

You chuckle to yourself as you slowly get up, opening the bedroom door to spot him on the couch in front of the TV- a tub of icecream standing on the table in front of him, while he faces whatever movie is playing.

You sit down next to him without any words- tense, and a little awkward, before he moves a bit closer, leaning in to check on something it seems. He clicks his tongue as he sees the way your eyes still glisten a little, pulling you into his arms before you can even complain. You're still stiff as he holds you- his hand running over your arm as he softly speaks. "You can cry here too, you know?" He tells you. "Dont mind." He adds, before you silently let a few more tears fall. "Why you sad?" He asks, and you shrug.

"I fucked up the deadlines for the concepts I wanted to turn in." You explain. "To get a job as an art director for a new game." You shrug, and he nods. "I just want to work too.. and not just live off of you.. " you complain, as he sighs.

"You know I don't see it that way, right?" He says, and you nod. "I'm providing for you. That's something else. I don't mind when you use my money." He tells you.

"Well but I still feel bad." You whine, and he chuckles.

"I'll ask around at hybe. Maybe they have an open spot for a translator. Or editor. Won't even say it's for you either- so you got a fair chance and all." He shrugs, and you look up at him.

"You'd do that?" You ask, and he leans down and kisses you, squeezing you a bit playfully as he laughs.

"Of course!" He says, before he leans over to get the tub of icecream- to sweeten up your mood a little more, and bring back his happy girl again.

#bts imagine #bts fanfic #bts fic #jungkook imagine #home!jungkook

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