#I'M SICK why did i do this to myself

[softpine]

omg i love the choice of personal jesus for the griffinverse post. i can just see the frozen pines movie scene where on each beat it switches from one griffin to another until finally landing on the last one and just prolonging that intensity thruout the scene. like its so cinematic and intense and it makes me feel like i am being punched in the gut with asa each time we are faced with a new tragic version, like asa is putting himself thru the suffering that jesus put himself thru out of the same type of selfless, overwhelming love. and in the hugging slide he is literally touching his faith (gay people and their biblical, epic type levels of love go bestie go!!). and the way he disappears like jesus did when he peaces out to the sky lol (who knew the years of forced bible study would actually be useful lol). ik that the song also has a more literal meaning for sw griffin in that asa is kind of like this random mystic miracle man etc. but i love the implications for asa specifically. ig just the fact that it works for both is masterful and i love your incredible brain and how you are able to create this wonderful story in such vivid detail with such visceral emotions. hope ur having a good day brandi and happy new year!!

YESSSSSS oh my god this is EXACTLY the emotion i wanted to convey!! ;-; i so badly wish tumblr would let us add small, unobtrusive media players between pictures so you could hear what i hear in my head while i'm writing these scenes 😭 but knowing that you understood my vision so clearly made me SO happy

also i can add one more layer of symbolism in that finn (and all the griffins) have a complicated relationship with religion and sin...

his father and god are inextricably linked – they were meant to love him unconditionally, and yet finn could never hold onto that love. it was always slipping from his grasp. the only person who has ever truly loved, understood, and accepted him without reservation is asa. he is the only thing finn can believe in.

this version of griffin has never met asa, yet he knows, implicitly, that asa loves him. the feeling of unconditional, absolute love he's chased his entire life washes over him and it doesn't disappear with asa. he gets to keep it.

#I'M SICK why did i do this to myself #asks #anonymous #nonsims #brandi answers #religion tw

[fearandhatred]

i always have to have something wrong with me at all times and there are always about fifteen different factors that could have caused that Something Wrong With Me so i can never fix it

#fearandhatred #for a long while i got sick really easily and i would wake up with colds that would last the whole day (and only a day) #and i could not figure out why #like did i not drink enough water? exercise? did i sleep late? period? etc. #and for the longest time i didn't know what it was until i discovered MOLD IN MY ROOM #and even then my dad kept guilt tripping me saying it was because i never drink enough water #even though i do. and even though my symptoms became itchy throat and ears on top of my colds #and then my mom made me move to my brother's room and all my problems cleared immediately lol. after months or maybe years #see what happens when you listen to your child #wait i went on a tangent but basically now my jaw hurts. like one side is tight #and idk if it's because i'm stressed or i grind my teeth in my sleep or i have a tooth decay or because i keep not wearing my retainers #anyway i always have to have something wrong with me which is funny because if i'm not sick then some part of my mouth hurts #or i accidentally injure myself #or one part of my body aches for no reason #or i'm on my period #genuinely cannot catch a break from this SHIT like bro i'm too young for this #anyway. peace and love

[gyuhanniescarat]

nauurr bc i've been sobbing into a pillow for hours thanks to this guy 😭😭🤧🤧🤧😭😭😭🥺🥺

my GyuGyu, my baby, daddy, my baby daddy (??) aksjjsjddjd omfg i—

I MISS YOU TOO YOU LOSER WHY YOU GOTTA BE SO CLOSE BUTH SO SOSK FAR AWAY 💔💔

mingyu would def be the type of boyfriend that sends you selcas like this whenever you guys are apart from each other even if it's only a few days. he'd spam your messages to each other with a whole mini photoshoot load of them. he would also totally 1000000000000% caption them with some sappy shit like "i can't sleep without you in my arms, my darling." or "when you/i get home, i promise i'm gonna shower you in kisses and cuddles, baby girl." or something real cheesy like "if i miss you any harder, my heart might come looking for you".

like imagine, you went abroad to your home country to see your family after a long while, but mingyu had to miss out on the trip because seventeen is busy preparing to have comeback promotions. so mingyu settles for texting or calling you whenever he can, which is usually just as he's winding down for the evening, getting unready and relaxing before retiring to bed for sleep. but because you are abroad there is a time difference, which means you are left to settle for starting your day by talking with mingyu and accompanying him in his nighttime routine whilst you are going through your morning routine.

you casually talk about your individual days; mingyu telling you about the days adventures and of all the sheer craziness that is his bandmates, of the chaos that is seventeen. and you proceed to layout your daily plan for mingyu. he would never tell you out loud, but these basic conversations, the simplicity of just telling each other about all of the things you get to do in your day-to-day is certainly one of mingyu's all-time favorite ways to spend time with you.

a little while later, you are in the kitchen helping your family make lunch when your ringer goes off with mingyu's special ringtone. you quickly wipe your hands and unlock your phone. going into the text conversation, you are greeted by two pictures of your handsome boyfriend under the covers in your bed in his apartment in Seoul. the text messages accompanying the photos say, "goodnight to me, and good morning to you, my darling. i love you always my princess <3" how you got so lucky to be the one to love and to be loved by kim mingyu is well beyond you. and perhaps it's a query you will never find the answer to, but you would be absolutely content even if you never get that answer. Why? because all you need to know is that kim mingyu is yours and you are his, always and forever.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

© gyuhanniescarat | 2022 - all rights reserved. Reposting/Modifying of any fic, scenario, drabble, reaction or piece of original writings posted on this blog is not allowed. Translations not allowed.

#k.mingyu fluff #kim mingyu #mingyu #svt mingyu #what is wrong with me why did i do this to myself?? #i'm in pain i need mingyu rn #where is mingyu i desperately need his kisses and cuddles #i need mingyu to call me his love or his darling soooooooooooo bad #i'm sick so this is purely self indulgent #jessi.txt #gyuhannie.txt

[mememan93]

Life. man.

#I don't want to go back to college tomorrow. i don't even think i hate the school it's. #i think i hate what im studying. I'm so sick of it. I'm so sick of media and radio work. So so so sick. #i'm sick of journalism. i'm sick of hearing the word 'storytelling' or 'storytellers' in sick of dealing with media students. #some of the most vain assholes i've ever met. and i'm sick of watching my best friend become one. (an asshole). #I want to do something else but this is what i did in high school this is what im good at. but i don't know if i can do this for the rest o #my life. but im too dumb to do anything else. I want to try compsci. i want to learn coding. but i have no background experience. #i could be an IT guy. i want to learn how to build computers and stuff. but i'm not smart enough. #i screwed myself over in high school by taking media. why did i do that?? #i should've taken compsci. or law. or SOMETHING. #i liked what i'm doing but now im just so fucking sick of it #if i hear someone say 'radio professionals are storytellers' one more time im gonna bash my head into a wall #of course talking to my dad is no help. i don't even know why i bother anymore. #raven croaks

[sga-owns-my-soul]

i keep telling myself i don't care that my family isn't talking to me anymore bc i don't like my family

but it's christmas and my mom hasn't even texted me

and now i'm crying on a bus about it

#there's only been a few times i couldn't go home for christmas since i moved away #and every year my mom called me #and she hasn't yet #and maybe it's just because this is the first year they're doing stuff christmas day instead of christmas eve #but #idk i keep telling myself this is good #i've been wanting to go no contact with my family for years #and the only reason i didn't was bc of my cousin #who's been my best friend my entire life #and then she ended our friendship #and no one in my family has talked to me since #and i SHOULD be glad #bc this is what i wanted!!! #it just #it fucking sucks that i'm once again the problem #because i'm always the problem. everything is always my fault #im just so sick of this #why does my family hate me so much #what did i do wrong #i've tried harder than any of them #and im still not ever good enough #god this fucking sucks #my partner isn't even home #so im gonna cry alone tonight #merry christmas to me i guess #fuck #ignore this #personal rambles #my family sucks #not stargate

[musical-chick-13]

.

#idk it's just really frustrating to think that people will ALWAYS make allowances for people they're romantically in love with but #not make those same allowances for someone else they otherwise care about. #that people will risk things for their partners that they wouldn't for their friends #that it's EXPECTED for you to prioritize your spouse/significant other/etc. at all times but prioritizing your friend(s) is rarely even #considered. and when you're like me and you LITERALLY CANNOT DO THIS SHIT BY YOURSELF... #like I know I go on and on about marrying some theoretical woman all the time (and my ongoing...whatever this is. with Musician Guy) #but genuinely I'm not even sure that I want that I think I just want someone who will fucking visit me in the hospital if I get into a car #crash or fix me soup when I'm sick. #like...yeah. in that one story I wrote I think I distilled it down: we all just want someone to hold us when we're sad #and it SUCKS that the only avenue we seem to be allowed to pursue that is through a romantic relationship #right now I have my dad but if something happens to him...I genuinely do not know what I'm going to do. I'll have nowhere to go #if something terrible happens. I'll have no one to help me be a person. and I just. like I really am going to just have to power through #the next 60 years on this fucking planet alone and by god I'll fucking do it but I wish I didn't have to!!!! #and I think this was why the loss of Her™ friendship (which was necessary. for both of us) was so acutely painful. because even after #she got married she WAS willing to prioritize me when things got bad enough. she DID genuinely care about me in a way I don't think #anyone ever has. and I just really don't think I'll ever find that ever again. and I can't go back and I don't WANT to be with her anymore #but it was this time of the year when she told me she was getting married way back when and my brain has kept that like the World's Worst #Anniversary and all of those terrible ugly feelings are coming back in full force and I HATE that I'm still unpacking this I. HATE. that #this not-even-relationship is STILL doing this to me #WHAT THE FUCK!!! IS UP WITH THAT!!!!!! #*sigh* okay for REAL I am logging off right now because I've already said Too Many Embarrassing Personal Things about myself today #and I do not want to put myself in a position to say anymore! #In the Vents #GOD this is so stupid IT'S NOT LIKE SOMEBODY DIED WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS

[justinefrischmanngf]

i need to get over myself and learn the languages i want to learn if i want to learn them like i just need to do it if i want to learn them then i should go out and learn them and like . fuck whatever else any of it means . yes it IS embarrassing to learn a language like the ones i want to learn as an adult but who CARES and yes i KNOW my grandparents will never want to speak to me in those languages but who CARES if it's important to me it can be important to me anyway

#had a moment last night bc i was apparently having an identity crisis which was random #but i had a moment where i was like well even if i learn all these languages no one in my family is going to want to speak to me #in those languages because of [insert reasons i don't need to go into here] and so ultimately none of this is like . cultural Really #it's just me wanting to feel as though i am connected to something when i will never be #and maybe that's true or maybe it isn't but if i want to learn them i should learn them anyway like . at the end of the day #i DO want to learn those languages and i think it would be interesting and i would love to be able to speak to people #in those languages even if the people i speak to aren't related to me and i would love to be able to speak languages that aren't english #and that all stays true even if i am not able to have the cultural connection through language with my own family #like i can go on and on about how disconnected i feel from my culture bc of everything that has ever happened in my life #but how i still feel alienated bc i'm Not White to white people and all of that is true but not learning a language doesn't make it #any better and maybe learning a language won't make it better either but i think it's a better use of my time #ALSO !!!!! NO ONE EVER GOES OH WHY WLD U LEARN FRENCH OR SPANISH [OR INSERT EUROPEAN LANG HERE] u have no real cultural connection to it!!! #so like why is it different bc i want to learn asian languages??? it's not! except in my head! or maybe irl too but i'm just saying #that i think i make all of this a much bigger deal than it has to be #that being said i did just try to look up classes and they r all for children and about keeping children culturally connected 2 their famil #l m f a o but that can't be ALL the classes ............. i'll work it out is what i'm saying and i need 2 get OVER myself #bc none of it is that deep and i can feel conflicted all i like but i should fucking DO smth about it at least #anyway i am posting this in the hopes that i can beat it into my own head bc i am sick and tired of being weird about learning #languages and i need 2 get over my weird cultural identity issues if i want to like . live a life where i don't want to explode and die

[piiinkfreak]

Poor things is shit

I first heard about it only from promotional images and fanart, then I heard the criticism and plot of it and thought "Well that's sure a horrendously bad movie". Sadly for me, I thought that I was being too harsh on it so I decided to watch by myself so I can confidently say it's shit. I do not understand the praise it's getting as it fails at pretty much everything it sets out to do.

It fails as a "feminist" re-imagination of Frankenstein as it is written and directed by men and (as many Frankenstein-inspired media) doesn't understand the original story at all, which actually is the first feminist Frankenstein as it was written by Mary Shelley, much less does anything new or interesting with it.

It fails as an adaptation of the novel "Poor Things" as it excludes the ending without any sound reason I could find. In which end, I may add, we find out that Bella never existed, that the whole book was written by Victoria's second husband who was jealous of her life and career as a doctor so he, in the words of the novel itself, "deprived me of childhood and schooling by suggesting I was not mentally me when I first met him". And the most astounding to me is that all i found regarding this change is that they "wanted to go beyond the book" regarding the scene with her first husband. That strikes me as such a missed opportunity since it could've poked fun both at reimaginations of classical books that do nothing and of the "Victorianisms" (as i understood it the romanticisation of life while ignoring the harsh reality of the working class) that Victoria in the book hated. Or say anything else, maybe about her and her husband's conflicting points of view.

It fails as a movie itself by being an unnecessarily and utterly boring movie with nothing to say or to add to any discussion. I do not understand the comedy aspect of the film as only one scene in the whole two-hour movie struck me as "funny". I understand much less the "female gaze" statment of this movie because of the reasons stated above. It's artsy, but so many other films are artsy and some of then have an actual story to tell.

Basically this film says nothing about nothing about the female experience worth noting, it doen't discuss the implication of her husband being atracted to her when she still has the mental capacity of a toddler, it doesn't touch on the themes of isolation, judgment and mishandling of science of Frankenstein, it's not faithfull to the source material, it's not enjoyable neither makes you think, in sum it's just two hours of nothing.

#poor things #why did i do this to myself #honestly sorry if you paid to watch this #sorry for my rant #edting this #it was supposed to be posted on my sideblog #to not cause interference with the flow of this blog #alas as i regret nothing of what i said i won't really change it now #i just hated this movie #and i'm so sick of hearing people praise it #it's horrible just admit it #i have waay more thoughts on it but it would turn into an essay #so let's not do that now #as i refuse to spend so much time in such an useless movie #lavendertowne has a video on it that i agree with a lot #it's truly jus a “born sexy yesterday” trope

[arctic-hands]

Very grateful that with one kink with my neuro-ophthalmologist aside (he told my neurologist that instead of a shunt I should get bariatric surgery, but then at my next appointment when I started to bitch him out the apologized and told me my No was enough reason for him to drop the issue), none of my many doctors in Baltimore have ever given me grief for being fat, and in fact every time I do lose weight (unwillingly) they go into panic mode like they're all doing now with this duodenum mystery

#the one time in Maryland i ever got medical flak for being fat was when i went to an urgent care in Brooklyn Park #it wasn't even the doctors who told me it was a scale that automatically printed out that i was ONE pound into obesity range #which like. what the fuck why would any medical professional have a scale like that that's obscene #and it DID trigger disordered eating for about 6 months until coming across an ED discussion here on tumblr miraculously knocked some sense #into me #anyway having it on record that I've been sick all my life means my docs know that I've never been able to exercise without hurting myself #and I'm on so many meds that are constantly being switched around and i have so many conditions that will flare at random #and thusly my weight at any given time is largely meaningless except when i plummet so much do fast like right now #anyway #weight loss tw

[elytrafemme]

i'm starting to wonder if therapy is going to be productive because no matter what happens i'm probably going to experience this every night of my fucking life

#neg #was out with friends and having a lot of fun! cramps but it was okay i was like. good #and then one of my friends and i were talking and i tried to make a comment about how i liked hanging out w him #but he didn't hear me so he kept talking abt what we were discussing before #and like. blood ran cold i physically felt sick and almost started crying #and now i'm like. completely in the depths of devastation again. over him. i can't fucking function. #and i had all these plans to like get dinner tonight too and take care of myself and do work #but now i'm like. stuck thinking about him. and this happens so often. #there's just no fucking point anymore huh. #and we're going to hang out this weekend a lot and into this upcoming week and this next month and the next year and then 2024 and #like i can't do that. sorry. i can't fucking do that. #i'm not even angry at him anymore it's just. he makes it hurt so bad. #and it's physical pain too every night it's fucking excruciating #because the devastation is both numbing and it cuts into me like a blade in my chest blunt edged but constant pressure #i can't do this forever. i can't. #but there's never a breaking point. it never changes. it's constant. #i'll wake up tomorrow okay. like nothing ever happened. #why did he talk to me so much today why couldn't he leave me the fuck alone #it would have been easier if he didn't. how does he. he has to know this is happening right? #so why is he doing this to me?

[transgender-catboy]

I love my friends

#i think im just going to talk in the tags for a moment. got a lot on my mind #for starters. the fnaf movie comes out soon. really looking forward to that. think its gonna be awesome and amazing and I'm super excited!!! #secondly. waiting on funds so i can buy that mask i saw the other day and some Halloween candy from Walmart #i . want to do little goodie bags for the kids in my building. but im too scared to go up to their parents and ask candy preference and #allergy concerns. so. idk. maybe I'll just save it. I think it's a cute concept but it makes me feel like my mother. #she loved to do little gift things for people. but it was always people that didn't like her. i don't want to be that way #i know my value. i know my time and energy means something. i don't want to waste it on people who don't give a shit. ya know? #not saying the kids are those kinds of people. not what i mean. but just as an overall thing. i don't like being like her. #...yeah. i dunno. you get raised by one person your whole life. you pick up some of their characteristics #i can't sob without sounding like her. safe to say i am a little emotionally constipated. so i seek other means to relieve that feeling. #like yesterday when i threw up. i played it off like that was a blunder on my body. but i know what i did. #hey. at least it's not the other method. right?. .. yeah. okay. i know. not great either #but it hurts. and I'm so fucking sick and tired of crying over her. genuinely. it's exhausting crying all the time #but that's the only way I can get those emotions out #I've tried to do the counseling thing. but other things made that impossible. then i moved. #and i tried the grief thing but instead i just got a talking buddy? he helps me get out of the house yeah. #but we dont talk about her #... i dunno. I'm just here. #guess i waited long enough. now you get a mini secret. every time i make an i love my friends post. I'm reminding myself why I'm still going #I'm usually sitting around somewhere in my apartment (desk couch bed) crying. alone. thinking about you guys. #so uh. thank you. #i love you guys so much. and i don't know where I'd be without you #probably dead. #💖 #vent

[mwagneto]

im finally done with all my exams this was literally the most exhausting month/2 months of my fucking life. and i get one day off bc im doing something on literally every other day but that's gonna be fun im not complaining

#im finally gonna see my friends againnn my god #i literally only saw them during exams and i haven't seen my pre uni friends since summer it's DIRE #i have to squeeze visiting my sister and hanging out with 2 of them into one day coz otherwise it #literally wouldn't fit anywhere else MDMDKDMDNHD christ #and then on Wednesday.... heh😏 #barking #my fucking god i need to fit 100000 years of sleep into today coz im lit rally gonna be busy as hell #it's so annoying coz I'm rly happy i finally get to hang out properly with everyone again #but at the same time im like why did you plan stuff when you could just sleep and relax:/ #NO i literally miss them so much and I'd just be bored at home anyway #I'd have pretty much the whole month off but somehow i managed to cram it full of stuff and im #also traveling on Wednesday and wont be back til late February which im also kinda all over the #place about coz im so excited but im also like mad at myself for leaving instead of #enjoying being home alone with nothing to do finally but yk. I'd just be bored #also the month/2 months thing all but one of my exams was in the past 30 days but i #had an insane december too with like 50 assignments an exam sickness 3 birthdays christmas and #traveling to someone's house in a different city for half a week and like a bunch of other shit im forgetting #point is my fucking GOD I'm having fun but i need a fucking break for real I'm running myself into the ground #at least im done with these stupid Fucking exams and my average of seminar + lecture grades is #gonna be like 4.0 which is beyond perfect i thought I'd get like 2.5 lmfaooooo #(grades go from 1 to 5‚ 1 is fail 2 is pass 3 is satisfactory 4 is good 5 is excellent) #(like that's literally their official names that's not me calling them that djdnridjeidjdj) #i thought i just wouldn't study at all and skirt by with 3s and 4s like i usually do but i #actually got a lot of 5s im amazed. like genuinely who am i #anyway this is long lmao tldr sorry i haven't been on much im just constantly busy lmao😭 #oh and also im not even going to meet my pre uni friends coz neither me or them have any fawking time

[scoreplings]

i hate when i do stupid shit that i know will make me more upset and then i get more upset

#I KNEW. EXACTLY WHAT WOULD HAPPEN. #and i did it anyway. #literally crying so hard i keep almost throwing up but 👍 #so so so glad i don't have to go to work tomorrow anyway #i know i'll be okay i am just so sick of all of it #its not fair and i know life doesn't have to be fair and usually isnt but i hate it anyway #why does somebody who treated me like shit get to be happy and living his best life #while i'm killing myself trying to help other people and just get left feeling like that #it's stupid and i hate it #ughh and i KNOW putting your whole life into helping people is not a path to happiness and happiness is not why i do it. i just want to help #people. but it sucks so bad that i gave up a year of my life and so much more and at the end of it i get nothing #meanwhile people who suck get to be so so happy. #rrr it's dumb i don't even have to know what he's up to but i can't stop myself from looking. #it was fine for months because he wasn't happy he was a miserable asshole. #but he's better now. and i should be glad because that means the world is a slightly better place #but i'm not. i'm hurt and i'm pissed off. #i was supposed to be WITH HIM when he did all that. and i would be if he hadn't been such a shithead. #AUGHHH i'm sad and angry at the same time and i hate it.

[lordelmelloi2]

I wrote all that stuff yesterday about being lonely and coping and then proceeded to get into an argument with my father over text in which he said I didn’t deserve his or my stepmom’s love & attention bc of something I can’t even remember that happened when I was severely mentally ill like 8 years ago so I’m like. Well. Emotionally crushed. Happy birthday to Rose tomorrow I guess 

#How am I supposed to feel joy about being alive when the people who brought me into this world don't even treat me like a human being #And then my father still refuses to admit his role in the conflicts we've had #Or that his method of approaching emotional matters is abusive #I'm just like. sick to death of all of this... #sorry I swore to not like write about stuff as they happen anymore on this blog but this is so soul crushing to me to just have it like #admitted up front like this by my father. like okay awesome great Both my parents actively despise me for not being their Ideal Child #both my parents refusing to acknowledge the ways they've made me mentally ill and constructively work on it OR get me therapy #and then being upset when that has consequences. the lack of foresight with both of them is making me insane #If You Had Listened To Me. And Gotten Me In Therapy. Things Would've Been Better. Why Are You So Fucking Obstinate About That #note that my father doesn't even know I have DID because he doesn't believe we have severe mental illness at all he just thinks we're like #intrinsically choosing to be fucked up all the time for some reason #I just feel so sick to my stomach anymore like cool awesome both my parents admit they do not think I deserve love at all. Okay #Okay awesome we're in Rose is Inherently Undeserving of Love World. That's the world we live in #Cool great thanks I'll just live the Rest of my Life desperate to figure out how to be Deserving of Love. And devour myself in that Cycle #Awesome the fact that Rose was born is a Scourge on the World I guess because I am an Inherently Bad Person because I was Born. Great! #okay enough tag spamming fuck life i am going to go eat a turkey sandwich but ugh fuck. fuck everything fuck being alive

[molkolsdal]

Going through my old chats on this site and my heart hurts even more now

#i miss everyone #was looking at a chat with this girl who confessed her feelings for me when i was like 18 and i just got so overwhelmed and didn't know #what to do so we stopped taking #talking** #and years later in 2016 or something i found her blog again and messaged her to apologize cuz i just left her hanging like that and #explained myself #she updated me on how her and her daughter were doing and how she was divorcing the guy she had been with back then #man 2012/2013 was such a wild time for me on here #i also like online-'dated' this guy on here for like?? a month?? and he was so fucking stupid lmfao like i cringe thinking about it #also looked at a message from like last year from a random blog that didn't follow me and i never responded obv but he was like 'you're so #insanely gorgeous I'm sick that you're married 😩' #😂😂😂 #definitely one of the more unique messages I've gotten #anyways I'm still not over the fact that sandrine just suddenly deleted #i never did ask Kim for her insta idk why #also miss Richie very very badly #i wonder what he's doing en #**rn

[beast-feast]

What if I deactivated

#feeling sick because it feels like I did something wrong again and I don't know what it is so I'm grasping at straws #don't know if talking or leaving people alone is the better option here I wanna leave this house I don't feel safe #I don't feel safe saying anything here or anywhere else I don't feel safe in my HOUSE #have to worry about people looking through my windows and having shots fired into my room and someone breaking in because I have two doors #I want out i want to sleep I wish I could say something or disappear and reappear where nobody knows me #be pronounced dead but someone who looks like me shows up in Chattanooga. I want to be nobody I want to be a stranger PLEASE #I don't ever fucking know if leaving people be or not is the right choice BECAUSE I DON'T HELP I NEVER FUCKING. #I never help I am never useful or good enough for people don't you fucking understand why I want to do what I'm doing #trying to hurt myself and poison myself so FINALLY people don't have to deal with me because I'll be too sick to speak #being forced to do things and feeling like I HAVE to exist when all I feel is fear and have delusions and hallucinations #and fucking psychotic symptoms. I can't even go back to the ward because they didn't DO anything #I can never say JACK FUCKING SHIT. EVER. #if I say nothing then suddenly one day you hear about the time I relapsed or when I purposefully eat expired things to get myself sick #but if I DO say something then suddenly it feels like everyone feels obligated to say something and it makes me feel horrible and terrible #and like a bad person I can't I can't I can't I can't #...I guess at least. I have therapy tomorrow. I'm sorry if I'm hospitalized again. I'm so sorry. #not art #vent #tw selfharm #// selfharm #tw ???