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ao731 · 3 years

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Ever since I was little, I’ve had trouble sleeping. At best I get 4 hours of sleep. And when I do get some REM sleep... my dreams are weird. I’m a believer that your dreams can tell you about yourself. But somethings...I think I’d rather not know.

I work in a hospital now. And as you would expect, its been stressful over the past year. Its caused me to have really intense stress dreams. With how absurd everything has been, sometimes when i wake up... i cant unravel what was real... what was a dream. Sometimes, I call out sick. Too disturbed.... just needeing a mental health day. So i figure i'll write it out here. Worst case, I get it off my chest. Best case, maybe someone can tell me what they think.

So last nights dream started in an apartment. Shaped like one i lived in as a kid. But with all the furniture and colors I’d enjoy as an adult. A pretty yellow kitchen table. A multi-colored rug. Big sailors chests and bigger sofa’s and beds. Cozy and lived in and warm. But I could feel it wasn't my apartment.I’d never been there. It felt so inviting and familiar but new and exciting. A place I wanted to be but hadn't had the chance before.

I was invisible... sometimes this happens in my dreams. I'm watching from an audience perspective, but then it will switch to me being one of the "characters" of the dream. If I dont get to far into the dream. If its closer to one of those 4 hours of sleep days, then sometimes I can control it.

So I’m invisible and I’m a man. I'm a bisexual cis-female irl but in my dreams I'm male sometimes. IDK why, I don't really stress my gender identity or sexuality much. Maybe I’m wrong about my labels but its w.e.. I dont try to change those things in my dreams. Sometimes I’m a woman, sometimes a man. Whats important is that usually in my dreams I’m fixing something. My waking life is always fixing something and it bleeds into the dreamscape. I realize that this is so unlike my usual dreams. There is no anxiety. No task. I’m just looking around this nice space and I’m at peace.

So I’m male this time and invisible. And I’m not the only one here. I realize there a man in the kitchen. I know him and I’m so happy to see him. I start watching my "boyfriend." But I don't have a boyfriend IRL. When I wake up later I will realize he looks like Kieran Culkin from Scott Pilgrim. I’ll find it strange bc I’ve never had a crush on him. Barely ever seen him. The last time I saw Scott Pilgrim, I was crashing at my sisters house. Nursing a New Year Hangover. We had drank wine and I hadnt had to fix a thing. Rare peace. When I’m awake I will think maybe that peaceful hungover feeling had something to do with it. That space of clinging onto a night of tingling skin and loose limbs and quietly watching a movie is why I’ve used this man’s face.

So anyway, I’m invisi-stalking my boyfriend. Lets call him Not-Kieran. He's looking hella stressed. He knows I want to come over later to see him. Hes frantically cleaning. But in a way I’m comfortable with bc I come from a "We cant let anybody know we SIT" family yet we NEVER invite ppl over. Anyway, I’m watching him clean and I’m just so happy just looking at him. I’m amused at first that he thinks i deserve all the trouble of cleaning but then i start getting concerned for him.

He's mumbling to himself. Smacking his palms against his head every so often. Apparently his coworkers and family are stressing him. Not-Kieran is not Out to them. This comes as a shock to me. It feels wrong hearing his secrets. But i stay invisible. i don’t choose this. i don’t have control over it. He wants our relationship to be more serious but cant tell anyone about me. he seems so upset and i want to comfort him. i don’t want to be invisible anymore but i cant become a character. Something is stopping me. Something does not want me to interfere. I can feel it in my chest. Something bad is going to happen. i stroke his face and tell him its ok. i love him and i don't need him to change things for me. i don’t want him to feel pressured. i want to tell him, that i just want him to be happy. but I’m nothing but a ghost to him.

Then Not-Kieran starts talking to someone at the door. I cant see them. But I know they are aggressive. I’m nervous and upset as they start to yell at Not-Kieran. From what i can make out they are saying he's becoming agoraphobic. How didn’t I realize this. Everything seems fine when we are together. But I have trouble remembering what together is really like. I just know for some reason this feels wrong. This feels surprising. The Man at the door knows something is wrong with my boyfriend. They know something before I do. How does he know when I dont. They know something is wrong with my boyfriend. But they don’t know what. They are tired of waiting to find out.

They come inside and I still cant see their face. No. They dont have a face. Just a space where a face should be. A place I instinctively know I should not look at. They come inside and they are still yelling. Still aggressing by boyfriend. He’s accusing him of being sick. Or is my Boyfriend admitting he’s sick. I cant make sense of the argument. I get the impression that something is changing about Not-Kieran. He’s not physically different just something is dark in his eyes. Something is tilted in the way he holds himself. Something is sharp in the way he gestures with his hands. He’s not the gentle often worried person I know him to be.

Then shit gets real.

Not-Kieran picks up a knife and stabs the Man Without a Face. He keeps going. There is blood everywhere. But there was blood there before. Why didnt I notice there was blood everywhere before. He wont stop stabbing him...then he stops using the knife....He starts using his hands....his teeth. There’s blood everywhere. My boyfriend is covered in this man’s blood and organs. He’s ripping into this man who knew something was wrong before I did. Then he stops. He stops and says “Oh not again”

He pulls up the sunny yellow kitchen table cloth and theirs a body underneath. Warm. No. Not a body...body parts. He removes the cushions on the sofa and reveals more body parts. He doesnt open the chests. The freezer against the far wall. I know. I know whats in them.

What happened to my boyfriend. I’m not repulsed by him. I’m not disgusted. There is blood everywhere but I keep trying to look in his eyes as he flutters around the room. Hands smack against the sides of his head. “Oh, not again...oh not again.” such a soft sweet voice. And why does it still feel like something bad is going to happen. That feeling in my chest. It wont go away. How could anything be worse then this? My boyfriend is a murderer. No, no. Something is wrong with him. Something changed him. I dont want to believe he could do this but his hands are covered in blood. I cant rub away the splatter across his cheek. The darkness has left his eyes but I know it could return.

How can this be a surprise when somehow I know these old bones. Like flashes. Little movie clips, Sepia toned reels of eat part in the pile. Each person they once were. I know what he’s done. Know he’s been doing this for a long time. Somehow I know he eats them. Days after the kill, like a feral animal in the woods finding a carcass. Know the things he denies. He likes holding a piece thats cold against his tongue. He likes putting the pieces, the parts that used to be a person, into neat little piles and licking at warm blood.

Until he remembers he’s a man. Until he remembers that something has happened to him. That he is diseased and he cant go out. Can’t go out and shouldnt invite anyone in. Ever. Until he remembers and he cries. The kind of cries that wrack his body. He pulls at his hair. Smears more blood across his cheek and he cries. Cries like a child. Wet and weak. Like his body is hollow and he cant stop. He cant stop crying he cant stop smearing blood. The blood is everywhere and it always has been.

His hair has grown out. It’s suddenly days later. I’ve never been invisible this long. Never been a ghost this long. Never had to witness someone else’s sins this long. Never been powerless to stop his hand from shaking. He’s sitting in a pile of body parts. Trembling, he chews on them. And lays them out into piles. Then changes the order of the pile again and again. Chewing, arranging, crying. I still want to tell him...It’s ok, I just want you to be happy. Maybe my body feels the horror, feels repulsed by him. Maybe my body is sick but I’m a ghost and I still love him.

He beings to speak again. Just the same small and sweet tone he uses with me. But he cant see me. Can’t feel me touch his face. He’s talking to someone else here. I turn and sitting on a chair is a corpse. Its dry and burnt black. Skin like a dehydrated mushroom. Yet wet in places like something pulled from a swamp. It’s hair is twisted and matted hanging limply around a shriveled face. Nude and yet it’s body is so barely recognizable. Was it a woman. A man. Maybe I’m not supposed to know. It has no hands or feet. Just gestures with its stumps as it answers him. It speaks to him so lovingly. I know this man...this creature...though I’ve never seen them before. They werent in the perverse reel of carnage and cannibalism. I know him anyway and I know they love him. Do they love him just as much as I do?

They’ve been here the whole time. Saw him with the Man With No Face. Saw him with countless others. He’s been here the whole time. But I didnt see him. I didnt see the blood. I didnt see this man that loves my lover. But I get the impression that he’s seen me. That he sees me still. His eyes have no pupil no color. Just a midnight dark orb in a shrunken skull. But those eyes turn in my direction as he speaks to Not-Kieran. Speaks in a soft lovely voice. Soothes him til he stops crying and beings to clean up the piles that were ppl. Speaks calmly and warm as my boyfriend rubs blood off his cheek.

The Shriveled man in the chair knows I still love him. He knows I know his secrets now. Knows I will be by this afternoon just for the chance to touch his face.

#dreams #nightmare #horror #stories #original work #based on a dream i had #turned into something else #feel free to leave criticism #feel free to ask questions about the original dream #fiction #cannibalism #blood #kieran culkin #gender identity #gothic romance #stress dreams #potentially triggering #trigger warning #gore

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canaryatlaw · 4 years

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well today was better than yesterday I guess. less crying, though I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. I woke up at like noon or so and had a bagel which was enjoyable, and everything kind of stewed for a while there. I managed to sneak enough time to watch this week’s Batwoman episode on my laptop with earbuds in because I definitely couldn’t watch it anywhere anyone else could see it. I liked it, the beginning was fucking heartbreaking, and then some really good scenes throughout it, and props to them for making Kate actually have to deal with her trauma and ptsd from the choices she’s made, so I enjoyed that. I think making the choice for Mouse and Alice to stay in Arkham and rise up there instead of breaking out was highly interesting as well, and I’m excited to see where they go from there, so definite props to the show for making at least some good choices. the rest of the day was pretty slow, a million people keep bringing us food so we ended up having dinner outside on the patio and god my brain keeps betraying me when I was thinking to type just now that we all had dinner on the patio my brain was like “well it wasn’t all of us because we were waiting for Dad to come home” like barely as a subconscious thought and then there’s a stab in my gut when I remember he’s not coming home, this is it, this is my family forever. 5 people now, not 6. and all of that is just really hard to deal with. but anyways. we were talking about handling financial stuff and how to deal with the law office, because in order to own a law office you have to be a lawyer licensed in that state, so you can only inherit one under those conditions, which my mom who would be the first choice doesn’t meet, my older brother does but he’s also currently employed as an ADA and he can’t own what is essentially a defense firm and at the same time be employed by the government as a prosecutor, so he would have to leave his job and take over the firm, which was always going to be the plan somewhere down the road, we just didn’t expect it to happen now. so he has to figure out what he wants to do on that. the other options were like installing another lawyer we trust to run the practice while keeping them on a fairly short leash, or to sell it or combine in with another practice, and when we got to that point in the conversation my mom started crying and saying that is never what Dad would’ve wanted, and he spent so much time building up the practice and all the good will he has with people she doesn’t want to see it just sold off, so we of course comforted her and said ofc we’d never do anything that Dad wouldn’t have wanted. it’s an odd dynamic, dealing with this stuff with my mom, because of course she’s still the parent in the situation, but both my brother and I are lawyers who know the technicalities of it much better than she does, and I don’t want it to be like we’re being patronizing or making decisions for her when that shouldn’t be happening. she’s stressed because of the life insurance apparently not being what we thought it was, but we’re still looking at that, so it’s basically all a big stressful mess. we were also going to have the small family only funeral at the end of this week but ended up postponing it till next week because our pastor’s mother who’s in her 90s just got tested and they don’t know what’s up yet so we’re just wanting to be extra careful on that. what I’m supposed to do with my life until then is anybody’s guess. It’s only been two days so I guess there is still plenty of time to do it, but I’m surprised we haven’t gotten word of the courts suspending cases for another 2 weeks to a month based on the stay at home order being extended to May 30th, so part of me thinks they might just be going “fuck it” and opening them on May 18th as planned right now. if that happened that would probably put me at staying her for like 2 1/2 more weeks and then going back, and I’m just really not sure what I want here, I mean without work I don’t have any real pressing reason to go back to Chi, and my family obviously wants me here as long as possible, but I’m just not sure that’s going to end up being a good choice for me because I feel like I need time to process and grieve on my own because living here with them is not my life and it’s not what I’m supposed to be adjusting to, so I feel like staying here for an extended period of time might not be the right answer, but at the same time with things how they are for now at least I can’t really just tell my family that I’m ditching to go back to Chi when I have no job responsibilities when we’re all still trying to figure this stuff out here. so yeah, it’s a lot to think about and some big decisions to be made, but I guess we’ll see how things work out. sigh. anyway. after dinner I sat with my mom a bit watching hgtv shows as she likes them and then at 9 pm watched the new Legends episode (which actually having to wait until 9 pm for was such an offense), which was of course rightly hilarious and perfect in just so many ways. I know there’s been a lot of back and forth on what is the best format for the show (silly vs dramatic, supernatural vs reality, etc.) but I will say I’ve really enjoyed this season so far. of course that’s partially hampered by my anger/sadness about Ray and Nora leaving (because FUCK PHIL KLEMMER) but they’ve had consistently good performances by everyone else (especially for Zari, fuck Tala is so ridiculously talented and is hands down the best actress on the show, and that’s coming from a die hard white canary fan. she just blows every single scene out of the water and it’s insane to see). I was curious as to why Sara got sidelined tonight, being that she is my favorite character ofc, and in the past when she’s been sidelined there’d been a story reason for it or an IRL reason for it, but I couldn’t really find one here?? It just kinda seemed like the writers went “meh” and didn’t want to write a story arc for her so they just shuffled her to the side. and like I’m sure they’ll use it going forward for the whole Sara developing her superpower thing, but it definitely wasn’t necessary. oh well. after the episode the news was on for a bit and then we switched over to family feud which was fucking ridiculous, and at some point just ended up talking to my brother about things, especially what had gone down on Saturday since I wasn’t here to see it all. and like, yeah it’s stuff I want to know, but it’s all just so heartbreaking because it doesn’t make any sense, he was doing so well and then out of nowhere he was just gone, and I’m having trouble grasping how it all just happened so fast. and as much as my brother annoys the shit out of me sometimes (which he does, a lot) I think he is going to be very helpful going forward and figuring all of this out. he’s always been a total asshole about money, even when it wasn’t his money, so I’m slightly concerned about that, but so far it’s been good so I’m just praying that remains the case. and yeah, a bit after that I headed upstairs, showered, and started getting ready for bed, and now I’m here and it’s almost 1 am and it’s not like I have any reason to wake up early but I should still probably be getting to sleep, so I’m going to do that now. Goodnight loves. Hope your day was a good one.

#daily journal #April 2020 #worst month of my life

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nomanicsdak · 5 years

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New Post has been published on https://manicdak.com/picnics-and-pirates/

Picnics and Pirates

Neverending Isles

Well, we’re back at it, here in far away, long ago Greece, where I start the game after a long hiatus playing Anthem (don’t @ me). I am finishing up an ice cream sandwich IRL while waiting for things to load up and get immediately assassinated by some bounty hunters, because as it turns out, I am still standing over Podarkes dead bod. When I return from being unsynchronized, I pay for my bounty because I don’t want them hassling me. Now it’s time to get down to business and reacquaint myself to the controls. I still have a gazillion points on the map to explore!

What I remember is that I think I have finished with the Silver Islands, which have lost their sheen after I found out that they don’t let you die there, and I am on a quest to defeat a cult and find my mom so I can find out who my dad is.

Let us now seek a new side quest so I don’t have to do any of that!

Here we go, I meet up with my pal, Barnabas and he’s giving me the update on Kyra! So they didn’t just fade off into the sunset without saying goodbye after all. I feel better about that since I put all that time in here. She is putting her traitorous dad to rest and is grateful I haven’t told her secret. (The secret of her dad being a murderous traitor thief.)

My Alexios’s opinion is that Podarkes should rot, but that the troops deserve a good story, especially Thaletas who is waiting up the stairs I am told. Barnabas bids me good night as he tells me to relax and party it up for a minute, and now I have a quest called a night to remember.

I will never be done with the Silver Isles, also, I’m not hookin’ it up with Thaletas, game. You better not still be trying to make that happen!

First, I’m led to Kyra as she lights dad’s funeral pyre. She has complicated feelings about this whole situation, but I encourage her to stay strong and help her peeps so a new Podarkes doesn’t crop up. We head back to the party now.

The bear smuggler is there all touching up on Barnabas’s face. She calls him Barny which is a good nickname for him that I didn’t even think of, because I couldn’t remember his name for several days after I met him. I’m going to steal it. They have bonded over their opposite missing eyes. How nice. Apparently they are in love now. What the hell? I spent so long wandering around these dumb islands that my boat captain has acquired a girlfriend. I can invite her to join the crew, so why not. Everybody wins? Maybe we could use a smuggler.

Once we are done with that love story, I can now breath a sigh of relief, because Kyra and Thaletas are together for reals, and he is no longer awkwardly hitting on me. Yay! Also, he’s over here turning down Spartan generalship in order to settle on the islands with Kyra. This is quite a thing for a dude who wanted to fight me to prove my Spartaness. Good for them, for now!

I decide to bow out quietly and leave the rebels to their islands without speechifying about it, despite Barny’s wishes. Of course, I can’t leave without Sokrates showing up to say goodbye and philosophizing at me. Until next time, Sokrates!

But I see new quests…what? I am determined to finish these silver isles though, so I’m heading back across the way to Mykanos now.

Psych! Apparently you can create your own levels in assassin’s creed now, and these silver exclamation points are user created. It’s been so long since I’ve been here there are new game mechanics. Of course in the first one I pick just to see what they’re like, my “one true love”, Thaletas, wants me to assassin someone for him. Even random internet strangers want me to hook up with this dude! Sorry, video game gods, it’s not gonna happen!

I move back to that blasted pirate island with the dagger lady that I attempted earlier in the game and spend the entirety of my gaming night trying to beat it. I KNOW I’ve faced dual wielding rogues before and beat them. This pirate lady is two entire levels below me, so I don’t know why this is so difficult! Bah. One bonus to this location when I finally beat her, is that there is a cultist here! I wasn’t even looking for one! So we get to cross another of those dudes off the cult family tree.

Since we’re laying siege to pirate islands tonight, let’s go find another one. There is a huge one to the west of me, so that is where we head! First a quick stop off at this little nothing island called Lestris. There is a quest item here though. Let’s see if we can find out what quest it belongs to… Huh. Artifact fragments it looks like??? Maybe I should upgrade my spear instead of going to pirate island.

Just kidding again! I travel all the way back to spear island to find out I need seven artifacts for the next section, but I only have four. Damn. Back to Pirate island I guess.

Yo-Ho-Ho

This place is literally called Pirate Island this time. I thought it might end up in another silver isles situation, but this one only has a couple of quests that don’t lead on an endless string of other quests. It is however, filled with bobcats jumping on my back. Which sucks, because I’m not about killing bobcats, but if they’re going to attack me…

Our first quest is for a little girl. She’s gathering clay for her friends and wants to make them some jewelry, so she asks Alexios if he will go find some pearls and shiny rocks. Sure thing! Helping the children of Greece free of charge are my favorite tasks.

I return to her shack on the hill expecting some more kids, but instead find three huge lumps of clay, and these are her friends. <Insert distressed smiley face here> I was not expecting this innocuous quest to turn tragic, but then again, I never do. Turns out her mother decided to go pirate to get some money and make a better life, but returned with a stab wound. Her last words to her daughter were to be good and make friends. The kid has literally made friends. Out of clay.

All my friends are clay.

I don’t really have the heart to tell this lonely child that her friends are clay lumps and she is delusional and needs to go out and meet real people. I choose to tell her that anybody can be a friend. My bestie is an eagle after all. She thinks that’s pretty cool. Maybe I can inspire all the young girls of Greece to become falconers? (I return a bit later and find her crying, because the rain has washed her friends away, but we cannot interact anymore. Did I do the wrong thing? )

Alexios, Blending right in

Second quest is some dude’s wife picking ceremony. The woman I talk to insists that she loves this man and he loves her. Apparently I get no choice but to think she is a gold digger. Is she? Who knows? An acolyte of Hecate approaches us and offers to make her a love potion. I and Alexios think this is a ridiculous farce, but agree to help anyway. I fetch some shrooms and some some wine and hand it over to the ‘witch’. All she needs now is a lock of the woman’s hair.

A love potion that causes hair to fall out, but not at the root– The mysterious ways of Hecate, I guess.

I return the next night and our friend is bald! Turns out the witch was merely a rival for the rich dude’s affections, and she has tricked this woman into drinking a sort of poison. It was only supposed to give her a rash, not make all her hair fall out. As to the why of the situation, the witch thinks she deserves this dude because they’ve known each other since childhood, and was just playing the game. The other woman is distraught, obviously.

the witch is way too pleased with her plan

But the show must go on! — This whole prank has rubbed me the wrong way and the ‘witch’s maniacal laughter is really not helping much, but I don’t get many options in the way of a peaceful resolution. It’s either, So sorry about your luck, bald lady, or kill the witch! (My true choice would be to tell the bald woman to forget about the rich dude; he’s not worth it and then hightail it out of there.) I call the guards on the ‘witch’ and hope she’ll just get arrested or something. Naaah. With that choice I get an update to the quest for witch killing. Damn.

I just stand aside and let the guards do it.

And that’s everything of note on pirate island! A short and sweet one with surprisingly few pirates! Maybe tomorrow we’ll hunt some cultists so I can upgrade my spear!

I do find one short quest somewhere along the way, but I forget where it was. A woman instructs me to go to a cemetery to find out which God is the most powerful: Apollo (I think? Or was it Ares? Something with an A. I didn’t write this one down!) or Posiden. “A” god has lions which are pretty powerful, but Posiden has like…sharks and krakens. Choices, choices. While I’m figuring this out some dude comes up to me and is absolutely convince I’m going to kill him. Huh? I tell him all is cool, bro, but then he comes after me anyway, because Athena told him it must be.

I didn’t get this memo

Back to the old lady who gave me this dumb quest, and I tell her Athena is the most powerful, because she got this dude to commit suicide by mysthios without lions or sharks. The lady thinks this is all amusing and I don’t even remember if she got the answer she wanted, and I don’t even know if I got any drachmae for it, but there you have it! Moving swiftly onward–

Wading into the Deep End

Update: So it turns out that I didn’t find an artifact on that island, just a clue to find one, which is good, because I need three more to upgrade! It has led me Achaia and now I can’t find the letter with the clue so… great. Am I even supposed to be here? I guess I’ll go search the coves and see what I can find!

I find many enemies that are at least ten levels above me, so–I definitely am not supposed to be here yet! Also, I’m level 30, how long is this game??? Before I move on to easier targets, I find the sunken temple of Demeter and some Ares boots that I can sell later. Maybe I’ll tackle the cultist in the arena? I have an actual quest for that, so maybe I’m not too weak for that one? It is in Pephka, and I get to reveal a whole new section of the map if I go there. So, let’s go!

Ouch!

First, I stop off at an underwater cavern to get some loot and fight some sharks. Turns out the quest item on that island was not the cultist letter, nor was it an artifact…it was some bricks. Do I have a quest for bricks??? What? Forget it. I’m going to the arena and resisting the temptation to stop at every island along the way. In keeping with the theme somehow…it is at a place called Pirate Point.

Ahh, turns out this is all Barny’s doing. He thought I should give this arena thing a try, because, obviously, I have nothing else to do. I talk to a guy named Skoura. I guess I’m here to inspire the crowds to believe in heroes again. I’ll do it!

It’s Skoura!

Well, I’ll do it up until the point where these other dudes are a higher level than me. There is a guy at level 50. Damn. Hopefully the cultist makes himself known before then. Is it Skoura??? I hope not, I kinda like the old dude. Also, I’m going to have to question this whole operation…

Like, why does Alexios, a single human person (or Demi-god?), have to fight like 20 dudes before I get to my opponent??? He only has to fight me. How fair is that? (I’m just complaining, because I am not good at this, and also this sucks and is no fun, but I won’t rage-quit just yet.) At least not until–yes, that did it–some upgraded gear did the trick. It is always my downfall.

After I win my first bout, some dude named Maion approaches me and Skoura. He’s all about the drachmae, so I don’t trust him. Hmm. Maybe he’s the cultist? I just want to find him before I get too deep in this arena business. Is that too much to ask? But there are only two out of five guys at my level or below.

Yeah, the one guy is going to be it for the arena for now. Excuse me while I go grind, thank you very much.

A Tale of Two Brothers

Here’s a novel Idea–Let’s get on with the story. Did I say I was going to investigate Alkibiades clue? Let’s do that! Off to Korinth we go! There are lots of undiscovered locations here. *rubs hands together in anticipation*

First thing I find is a bandit camp, which I think is going to be a simple affair not worth mentioning, but instead there is a quest there. I rescue some dude named Lykinos who has no idea why these bandits were shaking him down. I have to carry him to get him away. Let’s return him to his dad before I accidentally kill him trying to put him on the ground (I forgot which button puts people down!) and see what journey I have to go on now.

Okay, dude is an Athenian poet. When we get him home safe, and sound, it turns out that the bandit’s killed dad! Sad. We find this out because Lykinos’s brother–some call him Tim–shows up to tell us. He’s all aggro about it, probably because Lykinos has been swanning around Athens writing poems instead of being there at home / fighting wars. Now I get to do favors for both of them.

Lykinos cannot believe this shit

Tim wants me to get some Athenian armor from a vendor, and this can’t possibly be as easy to do as it sounds. Lykinos wants revenge. Even Alexios sounds weary with that idea, because he’s trying to convince Lykinos nobody wants any more bloodshed. He agrees, that’s why he’s hiring me. Gee, thanks, fella.

I go to the merchant and it turns out that that dad sold his armor, or maybe this guy is trying to cheat me? Whatevs. Buy all the armor! I only spend money on upgrades (if I remember to) and paying off my own bounties anyway.

Armor in hand, I head off to dispatch the bandits. When I get to their camp, I find them besieged by a pack of wolves. Maybe if I sneak hard enough, the wolves will do all the work for me??? All right, I am not that lucky or good at sneaking, but these dudes aren’t that difficult. I find a letter in the camp that says dear old dad owed these bandits a lot of money. Loan sharkin’ it up again, I see. I wonder if there’s a bigger badder shark behind these guys?

Spoiler: There is not. I’m always overthinking these sidequest plots.

What I do know is that I’m apparently staying for this funeral even after revealing the truth of dad’s shady business dealings. Tim wants me to get oil for an offering, and Lykinos thinks I should get some wine. He seems confused about what the oil’s for though, and there’s a lot of tension between these bros. We shall see! I get both offerings and complete a location.

When I return to my friends, they are having a brotherly blow up, like brothers do. After I give them a pep talk about being there for one another, because they’re all they’ve got left, it is time to go. Or is it?

Now Hug it Out!

Because, are these bros vibing on Alexios, or is it just me? Well, Lykinos wants to meet up with me later anyway. Winkity, wink?? Like, the last dude that wanted to see me after a quest was complete, I ended up with a bed of rose petals.

Aaahahah. Lykinos wants to make me dinner. I TOLD you. First I have to hunt down some deers, and when I meet him it’s on this picturesque overlook at sunset. Geez. Well, played, poet man. Dinner and a view–I think this hits the sweet spot right between a overly-sentimental bed of rose petals and goat orgy. I actually like this guy, so let’s do it!

But first a chat about Lykinos being a lying liar who lies. See, turns out he didn’t come back just to visit the fam. Actually, he just failed at being an artist in the big city. He didn’t want to tell his family so as not to disappoint them, and he didn’t want to tell me, because he was trying to impress me. He doesn’t know what he’s going to do know, because he’s not exactly the fighting type. I tell him he should become a cook because this venison meal he’s made is A+++

Are You serious right now?

Alright! Heart to heart over; we fade to black and return the next morning with Alexios all by himself again. Such is the life of a mercenary! It’s on to the next quest I suppose.

#assassin's creed #Games #Assassin's Creed #Odyssey

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privateerings · 7 years

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REPOST, DON’T REBLOG!

NAME: nah im good fam NICKNAME: Jay/Mitzy AGE: 24 FACECLAIM: sometimes i use prince but n/a PRONOUNS: she/they HEIGHT: 5'3 BIRTHDAY: august 16 AESTHETIC: 80′s shit, space bars/casinos, high fantasy settings LAST SONG YOU LISTENED TO: We Are the People - Empire of the Sun

FAVOURITE MUSE(S) YOU’VE WRITTEN: Vace is quickly becoming my favorite, but before that there was Sir Seisyll Galahad. He is used in my medieval fantasy group and was sorta my first real successful stab at a carefully layered personality. Love the lil fucker.

WHAT INSPIRED YOU TO TAKE ON YOUR CURRENT MUSE ( THAT YOU ARE POSTING THIS ON ): I don’t know, I think all my tumblr muses stopped being used and I decided eh why not get back into it with this annoying SW idea nagging my brain.

WHAT ARE YOUR FAVOURITE ASPECTS OF YOUR CURRENT MUSE: I think Vace’s histrionic personality is a riot to play. Having to balance between being appealing enough to attract other muses while being an annoying piece of shit is fun. It’s just fun. And sometimes I feel bad that I don’t really have that much shippy stuff like other blogs but then I remember that 9/10 he’s too shallow and antagonistic for anybody to stick to him.

It’s also interesting to me to see how the Empire reflects on people who aren’t necessarily just the bad guy fodder in the movies. Give me that shit. Give me all that shit. I want to see him grow and change??? I want him to mature. I want to see what happens to him months from now! Without having that feeling of “oh no am i getting ooc or is it character development?” because I get that a lot.

I also really like that he’s poc. In space. Like. I’ve had to see nothing but non-poc dominate irl and in the media itself science fiction etc. stuff that I really like? And yet the media doesn’t often give back to me as a poc. It just feels nice to write a science fiction character that is brown and fleshed out, who would definitely be the central character to a piece of fiction should I choose to write one someday. he’s by no means a role-model being a piece of shit and all but hey, plenty of people’s favorite characters aren’t, so what does it matter?

I get to project and explore a lot of themes I wouldn’t normally with other ocs. I get to do a lot of research I would never have done had Vace not been the way he is. I think in ways it’s helped me grow and understand why things are the way they are.

WHAT’S YOUR BIGGEST INSPIRATION WHEN IT COMES TO WRITING: I think reading prose inspires me to write a lot. It helps me think of new things to bring into my writing to make it closer to that fleeting concept of perfection. I love reading about that and lore, and seeing others excited about writing helps me too. Science fiction/high fantasy movies and games helps me a lot too.

FAVOURITE TYPES OF THREADS: Definitely ones that challenge my muse mentally or physically. Emotional stuff, deep stuff, even if unintentional. Stuff where he’s scared, or hurt, or angry. I’m always up for it. Sometimes it takes me longer to get to those replies because I have to think harder on them, but it’s worth it to me. It really is.

BIGGEST STRUGGLE IN REGARDS TO YOUR CURRENT MUSE: I don’t think there’s really anything that pertains specifically to Vace that I struggle with. It’s unfortunate that I’ve not been going in depth with his Force sensitivity, and I’m still thinking about how I could revise it to work for him, especially since that WAS the de facto premise of his design and I’ve moved away from that partially in fear of god-modding/metagaming (ironic, i know). But I don’t know yet. That’s not much of a struggle it’s just an unresolved issue that affects nothing atm.

My real struggle is figuring out how to rp with the mutuals that I want to when I hate having too many threads at once!!!!

TAGGED BY: @intoxicatiing TAGGING: @gurlpilot @pantarheii @jundlcndwastes and MORE!

#ooc #about the mun #munday #[thanks for tagging me!!]

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awed-frog · 7 years

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The frustrating thing for me, when people use Dean's issues to point out WHY he handles emotional situations badly is that the sympathy isn't with the people that suffers because of it (like Cas). It's with Dean. An explanation for Dean's behaviour shouldn't become a justification. If Dean loves Cas but treats Cas badly, why should we root for this relationship? Him almost killing Cas is about CAS' suffering, not his. But his reaction is not about what Cas deserves, but about his wants. IMO etc.

I’ve been trying to come up with something clever about this ask for a few days, but I got nothing, so I’m just going to tell you what’s going through my mind in the clearest possible way.

1) The viewers will often have a favourite and defend them to the death, and if you find it frustrating, there’s not much you can do other than unfollow people or blacklist some tags. I understand where you come from - I also get annoyed when people justify everything’s a character’s ever done, even the most twisted and problematic things, just because they like him or her. To be honest, I think I stopped caring when I saw a discussion about how Tate Langdon was the perfect boyfriend - some part of my soul just shrivelled and died and I decided that yep, some people are batshit insane and most people get unreasonable around stuff they love, and what can you do about it?

2) If you’re talking about the writers/creators of a show, on the other hand, I think it’s important to remember where is our POV and what kind of story those people are telling. Like, Supernatural is not House of Cards: whatever he does, Dean will be written as sympathetic, and since we see this world (mostly) from his POV, everything is reflected back on him. I know some people get angry about this - characters getting killed to make the Winchesters feel bad, or simply to advance the plot - but that’s how you tell a story (everybody does the same thing, and if you don’t see it, it means they’re doing their job right). Your main characters are the ones who matter, and the ones whose emotions we care about. So, even when it comes to someone as important to the story as Cas is, Dean will get most of the plot, and this is just how things work.

The next point might upset some people, so I’ll place it under a cut. Stay safe.

3) On placing sympathy on the abuser, rather than the victim - I think there are several reasons for this. One is that, traditionally, our stories in the West are about the conquerors and the victors, not those who have been defeated (when Euripides wrote a tragedy about the Trojan noblewomen being sold off as slaves after the war, people were not happy, and that play is still controversial today). At the same time, we all realize, because we’re not psychopaths, that violence is not nice, and that’s how you end up with this compromise narrative best summarized by Frankie Boyle.

Another aspect of this is that many victims are women (or people ‘outside’ a community, such as queer people or POC), and many abusers are men, and, again, traditionally we give less weight and importance to the feelings and wellbeing of women than we do to those of men. Combine that with the fact many storytellers (I use the term loosely) are men, and you get where we are today: a story about a woman being beaten by her husband is ‘boring’ and not something the audience will want to watch, but the story of a tortured man who can’t help but beat his wife because demons is ‘interesting’ and worth everyone’s attention.

Finally, I think there’s a combination of these two factors in play as well - we mostly want to see stories about people acting, not reacting; about people being brave and fighting and winning, because we generally identify with the main character and we want some sort of happy ending for them. And the problem is - a victim of violence who overcomes this violence - that can still be perceived as a bleak story, right, because abusers are often a solid part of the community (husbands and fathers in family dramas, soldiers and commanders in war movies), which means that this kind of stories are, in their very nature, unsettling and revolutionary, because what they’re telling you is that the community was wrong in trusting those people. It’s no wonder, really, that Francesco Rosi’s Uomini contro was threatened, sued, and had great trouble to find distribution in Italian cinemas: despite being a movie about a century old war, it sided - very clearly - with the soldiers who’d been brutalized by their own commanders, and while the situation was well-known and mostly accurate from a historical point of view, the backlash was still enormous. And this is the same reaction you get, not only towards fictional stories, but about real ones too. All those murder-suicides - ‘normal’ men killing their wives and children before shooting themselves - both the media and the public’s reaction is inevitably incredulity and a refusal to dig deeper. We want to believe our societies are healthy and we want to believe that men (unlike women, those fickle and untrustworthy creatures) are mostly right about everything, and this is what we get as a result. We’re so good at ignoring violence it sometimes comes back to haunt us (is it just me or all the latest US shooters had priors of domestic violence?). So, you see - a man coming to terms with his own anger and becoming a better person, that’s an inspiring story we’re all okay with; but a woman standing up to her husband, that’s a bit different. There’s a seed of revolt there, a sort of If she did it, why can’t I? that we really don’t want people to see.

(In case it’s not clear, I’m violently against all of this. I’m sick of this kind of stories, and I do think that we need some waking up and some revolution in our communities.)

4) You say an explanation shouldn’t mean a justification, and I totally agree, but I also think it’s hard to do this right, both IRL and in fiction, because the more you know about someone, the more you empathize with them, which means any villain can become redeemable with the right background story - just ask Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2. As for Dean and Cas, I don’t think Dean ever justified his own behaviour; in fact, he even atoned for it, in his own Dean way, when he allowed a crazed Cas to beat him up and insisted in keeping the bruises. It wasn’t perfect, but, then again, neither is Dean.

5) Why should we root for this relationship if Dean treats Cas badly - does Dean really treat Cas badly? I don’t think so. Dean is a MESS, all capitals. He tries his best, and I really feel for him, but the truth is, he doesn’t know how to do this. As far as we know, he didn’t have any friends or significant relationships growing up, and by the beginning of the series, the only person he seems to connect to in any healthy way is Bobby. Honestly - it takes years for Dean, who grew up as a soldier and a conman and a loner and never had a right to his own childhood and a life that wasn’t taking care of his brother and helping out his father, to get better at this. And, sure, the relationship with Cas is no different - at the beginning, Dean is confrontational, a sarcastic little shit, occasionally cons Cas into having his way - but the magic of what happens between them is that pretty soon, all of Dean’s traditional walls and posturing take a step back. What’s really special here is that Dean is honest with Cas in a way he isn’t with anyone else, and despite the fact he loves Cas so fiercely, he mostly tries to respect his decisions, and is never harsh with him if not in very extreme circumstances. Personally, the one moment between them I truly hated was Dean’s Nobody cares that you’re broken, because, OUCH - looking back, I can see that this was Dean channelling John, but still - it was an incredibly dickish thing to say (and it must have haunted Dean in Purgatory, especially since, as far as he knew, Cas had died - because of him). As for the rest of it - I doubt we’ll ever have fluffy lines between them, but that doesn’t mean they’re not incredibly soft with each other. I don’t know if you were referring specifically to S12E19, but Dean pushing Cas against a wall in anger - that’s not abuse. He knows he can’t hurt Cas (physically) unless he really tries, so that scene was about Dean needing to put his hands on Cas, to feel him, to make sure he was there and he was okay; and also a harmless way to let his frustration out, to say what he doesn’t know how to put into words (that he cares, that is, and that he doesn’t need Cas to bring him back any win, the dumbass, because that’s not what actually matters). And maybe that reaction doesn’t seem soft to you, but this is Dean Winchester, right, the killer even demons are afraid of and the guy who basically doesn’t trust anyone - Cas just spent weeks MIA, never bothered to call, didn’t tell them he had a line on Kelly, stole the Colt form Dean knowing full well how much that weapon meant to him, collaborated with Heaven without telling him one word about it - and, on the whole, Dean’s not even angry. He’s worried, and he’s frustrated (with Cas; with himself), but he understands why Cas did what he did, and that makes all the difference.

“Dude, if anybody else - I mean anybody - pulled that kind of crap, I would stab them in their neck on principle. Why should I give him a free pass?”

“Because it’s Cas.”

You know - I always felt that for Dean, who’s always been coded as the ‘female’ character both with Sam and with Cas, the Mark of Cain was the ultimate undoing precisely because it took from him all those ‘feminine’ traits which are such a profound part of who he is. The fact that it all culminated in him beating the hell out of Cas, in a reversal of their traditional ‘fights’ (I’m inverted commaing this because most of those happened under some sort of mind control, so they weren’t really fights), was, in a way, a complete assertion of his new role of Alpha Male - while Cas had stepped back into a more traditional ‘feminine’ role the whole season. In this sense, I understand that the narrative focused way more heavily on Dean, because he was the one acting out of character and doing ‘weird’ things - but ideally, yes, I would have wanted to know what that beating meant for Cas, what he was thinking as he healed himself, and everything else. So, yeah - it’s a mess, and it’s not a traditional love story, perhaps, but I still think they’re right for each other and they do make each other happy, so personally, I’m rooting for them. There are tons of abusive relationships on TV that are passed off as normal, even romantic, but this isn’t one of them.

#ask #destiel #deancas #spn season 12 #spn 12x19 #domestic violence for ts #traditional narratives #not sure if this is clear or not #but it's mostly how i feel about this issue

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sweatblvvdtears · 6 years

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You can gladly fuck off from my page , I’m going to lock this blog again soon . Whenever I wanted . I’m not going to be that nice for now . I have no special moods for anybody ever , not even for myself . Don’t care . I have “intruders” all around me , yes , hackers , I will kill them , mostly wipe them clean . All I knew them right now is that they came from someone that I quietly trusted irl here . Yes , in real life people . I never thought this few people would betraying me , stabbing behind me . The sad things is , I thought they are my company , friends , like-family but no , they are liars . Doubled-face . Never contacted me much but rather , hacking . Ignored me the best , makes me feel a little more lonelier even when I’m around them and like nothing and only needed me when they wanted and then go away when I needed them the most . People usually like to ignore the hell out of me . I’ve been wondering why . Mostly .. Doesn’t care . Self important . Most likely to using me , I guess . I’m like a slave or something ? Knowing that I can be depended on and they would really like to use my strength , time , energy , tears , emotions , everything that I have till there’s nothing left even for myself . Using me then threw me away . They don’t care . I felt like being fooled around all this times . They talking badly behind me all these times . I feel hurt , I never saw that . I thought I have everything in controls but I don’t , half of it slips away from both of my hands . I thought my eyes has seen it . But no , it aren’t as clears like I wanted .

Watching me , probably as I typing this . I’ve been under watched all these times . I see , so it’s like few years ago . It’s in repeats . Laughing at me , mocking , everything that coming from their own mouths . Still would likely doesn’t care lol . I gave my emotions to them and my efforts also etc to them . Still aren’t appreciated . Nobody does . People gives me .. Lots of headache . Mostly sadness and stressed .. I felt like I’m totally alone in this world because of them . Not fits with anybody . I don’t even know , what did I do wrong to them all . Not even my siblings has the same heart as I does or like me . Nor parents . Family , mostly . From the second younger brother to the 4th younger sister . I’m the oldest of them all but I don’t think I have any connections with all of them nor with people , we’re not even closed , online people makes me shedding tears more nowadays , I’ve spent too much times thinking and giving attentions for them . It broke me down , tearing me into two . Irl are just the same , they are all are the same . I grew tired with people . I’m tired . They don’t make me feel any better . In real life people are just the worse as they are . Usually family . I woke up and goes to bed , sometimes in tears . Quietly crying , no expressions much on my face , you won’t even realized , unless if it’s goes all red and teary . I got nothing , truthfully . Nothing but my heart breaking to pieces , all of them actually .

My feelings nowadays and in the past been so heavy and not even me , I , myself wanted it . I tried . And , I’ve ... Died . I’ve been in laments since on yesterday and nobody cares about it . I’ll shutting down everything , will open again soon . Whenever I wanted . When I’m ready and quietly healed . People fucked me up . You can try to follow me but you may need to login to see this blog and I don’t want to talk much or interact , I might acts all bitter or violents , I’m just hurts . I feel like nothing and doesn’t deserved everything to anybody . Probably I should die or just gone or disappear . Probably I will delete this blog soon , I don’t know , I have no plans for it yet . It has no use anyway . This blog just nothing . I’m not proud of it at all . I’m still looking for those people that has the same heart as I does or almost like me , had been sharing the same things like me, or with the ones that can understand me or be with me or could walk down with me through thick and thin , through harsh times and happy times , through lights and darkest times or probably with the same minds as I does . I hadn’t met one yet or just doesn’t seen one yet . I don’t know .

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bey0nd-the-peruvian-lama · 7 years

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Tagged !

By @a-study-in-shakespeare my sweet love but right there I hate you for doing this three times to me. Jesus.

RULES: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 92 truths about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged.

¤ LAST:

Drink: Fruit juice

Phone call: I think it was my little bro but I’m not sure

Text message: Mom

Song I listened to: Personal Jesus - Depeche Mode

Time I cried: This morning... Jeez.

¤ HAVE YOU EVER...

Been cheated on: WELL IF I COULD GET A BOY/GIRLFRIEND FIRST.

Kissed someone and regretted it: ... Don’t stab me even more please

Been depressed: well, my moods are like a roller coster so yeah it happens quite a lot.

Been drunk and thrown up: nope

Kissed a stranger: nope

Drank hard liquor: yes, there’s this traditional one from Brittany named Chouchen which is soooo tasty~

Lost glasses/contacts: yep, mostly sunglasses though.

Been arrested: uhm, no ._.

Turned someone down: no, ‘cause nobody cares about me T.T

Cried when someone died: yes ( too much empathy in me )

¤ IN THE PAST, HAVE YOU...

Made a new friend: well, obviously ._.

Laughed until you cried: WHO DIDN’T ?!

Met someone who changed you: no

Found out who your true friends were: I’m aware of a few of them, but some others are meant to be true friends in the future ( I guess... )

Found out someone was talking about you: maaan people are talking about me since elementary school I’m used to it.

¤ GENERAL:

How many people on tumblr do you know in real life: 1 ( whose pseudo I won’t give. ‘Cause she’ll probably kill me for it. Mom’s such a scary beeing sometimes. ) + @a-study-in-shakespeare indeed we never met BUT I’d gladly do AND she obviously knows me more than many of the people I know irl so... Meh <3

Do you have any pets: YEAH I GOT A DINOSAUR /bang/ No well I’ve got a cat but he is so ooold like he’s older than me so I tell you he’s a dinosaur. OH ! And I’ve got a little brother. Trust me, he’s a pet. A puppy more precisly.

Do you want to change your name: I guess not, it’s actually a cool one so meh I’m good with it.

What time did you wake up this morning: 8.30am. I hadn’t class and I pushed myself to get out of my sheets because I AM SO TIRED AND I LOVE TO PROCRASTINATE.

What were you doing last night: Just, you know, the usual I-am-just-watching-one-video-on-YouTube-and-then-go-to-bed thing... And ended up going to sleep at 4. MEH.

Name something you cannot wait for: ATTACK ON TITAN SEASON 2 || HAIKYUU!! SEASON 4 ( WITH MORE OF MY BABIES MY OWLETS AAAAAH ) ... *ahem*

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: unfortunatly no

What’s getting on your nerves rn: my father’s step-mother who I’m forced to deal with every single fucking day because my grandpa is the one who is letting me stay at his house for the time of my studies.

Blood Type: O-

Nicknames: Coco, Coconut ( obviously... #imagination ), Nanou

Zodiac Sign: Virgo or Leo ( depends on which shitty magasine you read - woopsie - )

Pronouns: It ( I’m a clown if you know what I mean )

Favourite tv show: Vikings / Sherlock I CAN’T DECIDE.

Hair colour: Brown

Long or short: quite short

Crushes: Alexander Ludwig, Benedict Cumberbatch, Leonardo di Caprio ( but like in Django Unchained. I’m certainely the only one person who find him ugly in Titanic *ahem* ), Harrisson Ford ( in the first Indiana Jones UUUUUH BOI ) hm... Well actually I don’t really have “crushes”. Just, I find they look attractive but yeah. Excepted for Harrisson Ford HMMMM HE’S SOME GOOD SHIT.

Tattoos: none

Righty or lefty: BOTH MOTHERFUCKERS. No well I can write with both hands, and mostly I write with the right one and do everything else with the left one.

¤ FIRSTS:

Surgery: Ehehe I was born a premature baby so since birth I’ve got some surgery done on by little shrimpy-like body.

piercing: earrings but I can’t remember when... On photos when I was 3 I already got some so it must be before it but I don’t remember.

Best friend: 1rst year of school ever. I was 3 and we’re still best buddies.

Sport you joined: dance classes

vacation: i spend all my summer holiday in Brittany since I was still in my mother’s belly. But if we’re talking about a journey, it would be England, in 2008.

¤ RIGHT NOW...

Eating: black chocolate

Drinking: nothing

I’m about to: GO GET MY SURVEY CORP HOODIE FROM THE POST DELIVERY YEAH.

Listening: One Reason - Fade

Want kids: in the future, why not?

¤ WHICH IS BETTER?

Lips or eyes: Eyes ( blue eyes omg )

Hugs or kisses: hugs

Shorter or taller: Taller ( it’s not that hard but I’m a very tall midget if you know what I mean )

Older or younger: Can’t say

Sensitive or loud: LOUD LIKE ME YEAH

Hook up or relationship: Hook up. FREEDOM.

Troublemaker or hesitant: Hesitant. ‘Cause I’m the Troublemaker here.

¤ DO YOU BELIEVE IN...

Miracles: no

Love at first sight: no

Heaven: like hell I do ( lmao Heaven, Hell, I am so hilarious ).

Santa Claus: Not anymore... xD

WELL because I know nobody on tumblr... If you read this and you want to answer, go on ! But I won’t tag anybody.

#tagged by Ve #I tag nobody don't worry

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