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nyisles · 4 years

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Magic In The Hamptons

Part FOUR

part one | part two | part three

Player: Mathew Barzal

Words: 3.2K

Warnings: language, questionable steam? - tryna keep this pg 13 because i’m not a smut writer.

Notes: thank the LORD the writers block has passed. Lmk what you peeps think (i crave validation), of course she isn’t edited so yeah just uhh enjoy.

Deep breath, you reminded yourself. It was hard though as you looked around the room you were in realizing this definitely was Mat’s place. The pictures of him and his family on a bedside table, and a hockey bag in the corner of the room. What did you do last night, (Y/N), you thought to yourself. You laid in bed for another two minutes before realizing you couldn’t just hide here, as comfortable as it was. This wasn’t even your apartment. Sliding your legs over to the side of the bed, slowly bringing yourself up, a pounding headache came on like you knew it would. You cursed yourself to never drink again, especially never a drink that Mat Barzal makes. Padding down the hall, you found yourself in the living room, the only place in Mat’s apartment you’d ever seen before. It was all nicely decorated, barely looking like a bachelor pad and something a bit homey-er. Much to your surprise Mat was curled up in a few blankets, sleeping quite peacefully on the couch. Had you kicked him out of his own bed after… well… after maybe what you think might have happened. “Mat.” you whispered. No response. “Mat.” you whispered a little louder. No response. Suddenly you found yourself going over and poking him square in the chest. “Mat.”

His eyes fluttered open, and a sly little smile came across his face. It disgusted you, well not really, it disgusted you how much you loved it. “Ah, glad to see you’re alive this morning. I was a little worried.” He said in the raspiest morning voice you’d ever heard in your life. It felt like your knees might give in, his morning voice was just that attractive. Do something gross, you said internally trying to challenge him. You just sighed, throwing your head down doing a little bit of your best mopey charlie brown impression. “I literally had to throw you over my shoulder after the uber, force you into the bathroom to change and then you had the audacity of saying the sweatpants i gave you were scratchy so you made us swap right then and there.” Sliding his legs over so you could sit down on the couch, you let out a sigh. “I am...so sorry.” was all you could muster up not even looking at his face. The embarrassment was far too strong. “(Y/N), you have a killer ass, I am not sorry.”

Your face turned the brightest shade of red in the whole human existence, you were truly a tomato, not even... You were a fire hydrant. “Jesus, Mat.” was all you could mutter before giving his legs a little push as he tried to stretch them out across your lap. In all honesty you couldn’t even make eye contact with him, so you just had to watch him from the corner of your eyes. “Honesty is the best policy, and to be fair that is all I saw.” He said throwing his hands up in the air to prove his innocence, hard to believe he was all that innocent. Deep down you were slightly pleased, and completely relieved that’s where it ended. A subtle showing of the ass was something you could live with, or at least learn to get over in a few months, maybe days. “And maybe next time you can let me at least have half of my bed instead of telling me I had to stay on the couch. This shit is going to mess with my back, have fun telling all of Long Island you’re the reason I’m out due to undisclosed back issues.” Rolling your eyes you, picked the pillow off the back of the couch behind you whacking his body with it. He let out a little groan as he decided to sit up, as he glanced over at the clock on the wall. “You’re joking, (Y/N). It’s only 6:30.”

“Then go to your real bed, I should probably go home, pop an advil, and try to sleep this off.” Mat rolled his eyes, standing up then taking your hands and standing you up off his couch. “Advil is in the bathroom cabinet, I’ll see you in my room.” He said walking off down the hall from where you’d come from, not giving you a moment to even think or respond. To be fair, you felt obligated to stay, you didn’t even know where your clothes were from last night, how could you leave? It was only 6:30 anyways, you doubted that there would be any real ubers driving around and it was way too early for Reese or any of your other friends to pick you up. So you walked yourself to his bathroom, popped an advil and almost immediately found yourself back in Mat’s room. He was already laying in bed, scrolling through his phone.

Pulling the sheets over, you snuck yourself into bed trying to give Mat some personal space. You had no idea if he was a cuddly guy, or just thought you both deserved a little bit more rest. Glancing over you saw him now shirtless, you were too nervous to move any of the blankets further seeing what else he had on. You were aware it wasn’t that weird, most boys liked to sleep shirtless and in boxers. Hell, if you were home alone you’d rip off these sweatpants and sleep without pants. Mat glanced up from his phone looking at you practically hanging off of the edge of the bed. Instead of making some sort of comment, he tossed his phone on the side table next to him and grabbed the waistband of your sweatpants gently tugging you over to him. “You were so into me last night, and now I have to drag you over here to cuddle. I thought you were an affectionate kind of girl.” He said softly as he closed his eyes, “It’s not fair.”

“So needy. I thought you wanted to sleep.” you said now cuddling into Mat, trying not to overthink this. “Originally sure, but there’s a ton of things we could do here.” Mat wiggling his eyebrows as you, as you gave him a small smack on the chest. Wincing, Mat get out a laugh, pressing a soft kiss to the top of your head. You weren’t going to lie to yourself, in this moment, life was pretty good. It’s almost like your hangover had disappeared. You were perfectly content laying next to this seemingly perfect guy, but at the same time Mat did have a point. Your feelings of wanting to go home with him last night hadn’t changed, now you were just sober with a less forward attitude. Tilting your head up planting a kiss on Mat you figured there was no better time to go for it than right now. Sliding your leg over his body, you found yourself in his lap, slowly grinding yourself down on the boy continuing the makeout, pulling away briefly. “Alright Barzal, whatcha got?” You said with a cheeky smirk. He didn’t dare speak. It’s like the green in his eyes turned dark, and his hands found your waist flipping the two of you over so he was on top. And the good news was, you would definitely remember this.

- - -

You spent the next weeks floating around on a cloud. Mat’s training had picked up since the season was soon to start, and work was a bit more demanding, but the two of you had managed to keep up, sometimes he’d even call you when he was ‘bored’ before some preseason game and couldn’t nap, and he’d slept over your apartment twice claiming your apartment was ‘closer’ to the rink when in reality it was just about the same distance thanks to Long Island traffic. It felt like any fears or doubts about Mat disappeared. He’d thrown you into a group chat with Tito, Emma, and Derick and made an effort to get to know your friends. Your girlfriends were constantly hounding you when you two would define whatever it was that the two of you were doing, though you ignored it knowing you couldn’t push it with him. Every conversation about that made you think back to when you’d originally met some of the wives at Sydney’s wedding, who made it seem like you couldn’t force a hockey player into anything, they’d just spite you with way girls who were way prettier. The last thing you wanted to do was push Mat to Whitney. It was funny because she’d even requested to follow you on instagram, though you left her request pending. You never brought it up to anyone besides Tito who just laughed it off and told you not to accept it.

It was hard not to find yourself daydreaming at work as you typed away on your computer, but the buzz from your phone brought you out of your thoughts. Looking down you saw Mat’s name across the screen. It was hard not to smile a little bit, you glanced around the workplace making sure no one would be pissy you answered a personal call. “MB” you said softly into the phone, “you trying to get me fired?”

“Would that mean you’d be free this Friday night?”

“I can be available even with a job this Friday night, why what’s up? Big plans to fall asleep on my couch five minutes into a movie?” you joked trying to poke fun. It was far too easy, and you both had a solid flirty banter to keep up with. “Actually no, it’s opening night. I wanted to know if you would support your favorite hockey player. Derick Brassard.” You couldn’t hold back the laugh, as you took another glance around your office noticing that no one really cared who you were on the phone with. “(Y/N), this is where you say, of course. I’d love to watch my favorite hockey player and Mat on the ice at the same time.”

“I hope Emma doesn’t get too jealous, but I’d love to go.” With that you got little butterflies in your stomach. This felt like a pretty big deal, being invited to the opening game of the season as Mat’s plus one? Or person? Or female friend? That was all very much up in the air, but it felt as if things were headed in a good direction. “Cool, cool.” Mat said so casually, but what you didn’t know was how excited he was and how ‘cool’ he was trying to play it on the other end of the line. “Listen, I’m gonna go run some errands, but I’ll talk to you later.” Within five minutes you had been added by Emma to another group chat, this time assuming it was the other girls since you were welcomed with a warm text from Grace.

Grace Lee: Isles bitches, pregame in the coli parking lot on Friday. I expect everyone to be in their best orange and blue. Chipolini sangria will be flowing, so drink up for me, #preggers.

A small squeal escaped your lips, your dumb ass was too drunk the last time you saw her to even realize she probably wasn’t drinking. You sent back your best ‘congrats and can’t wait to see you all’ like all of the previous texts were starting to read. All of the ‘who is the xxx number’ texts came pouring in and before you could type back.

Grace Lee: (Y/N) scored the elusive MB13 tix and that’s the number. Our baby has arrived. We have been waiting for you in the gc.

You could only love her message trying not to draw too much attention to yourself, but it was like Grace was the big sister you needed to show you into this world. Emma did a pretty good job at helping you out, but she was still new to the isles wags and basically the same age as yourself. She, maybe, had known these women for as long as you had. Derick was still new to the team.

- - -

The next thing you knew it was 2:30 on Friday, skipping out of work as early as you possibly could to get ready to be in a parking lot with girls who were practically models at 5pm for a 7pm game to which you were still incredibly nervous for. Your nerves might’ve matched Mat’s. He had sent you at least three different pictures of suits lying on his bed asking which he should wear. It felt super domestic, and you loved telling him how you thought the black velvet suit jacket would be cute, especially with the grey tie. He was also kind enough to let you borrow some clothing, he didn’t know it actually, but you’d managed to steal a white islanders t-shirt and one of his plaid jackets, that honestly you looked better in. Paired with a pair of jeans that made your ass look fabulous, how could the day go wrong?

It didn’t for a while. Grace had gifted you with a pom beanie that had the number 13 blinged out on the front in orange sparkles. The rest of the girls and you were laughing, having fun and genuinely enjoying each others company in your matching beanies. They showed you all the cool places they’d watch the games. Sometimes in a box, sometimes down low if they were actually wanting to watch the game. For tonight they settled on sitting in one of the boxes, wanting to celebrate the start to a hopeful new season. This time you had learned your lesson and made all of your own drinks. Your buzz was only light, and you were able to enjoy the game.

The first period was fun, the game was tied 1-1. It was in between periods as you and all the girls just sat around chatting about what it’d be like this season. They filled you in on how fun a win was, and how miserable a loss could be. Hockey talk didn’t last long as you quickly moved onto Grace’s baby, to what other events you all could do together since it was a ‘fun group of girls.’ The group almost didn’t notice the door to the box open and slam shut, but it was like the girls had seen a ghost. A different kind of silence came across the room. With your back being towards the door you turned around, and immediately your heart had dropped. Your hand immediately ripping the stupid sparkly 13 beanie off your head, not caring if it left your hair looking a total mess. “Ladies!” a girls voice exclaimed. You’d studied her enough to know it was Whitney. Fucking Whitney. “I’m so glad Mat left my ticket at will call. My flight got delayed and you know how much traffic was on the expressway.”

You couldn’t even speak, you just felt your throat close up, as Grace who was sitting next to you on the couch gave your arm a gentle ‘i’m here for you’ squeeze as she was the only one brave enough to open her mouth. “Whitney… I didn’t know that Mat invited you. We haven’t seen you in a while.” She said trying not to be too direct. “Matty always leaves me a ticket.” She quickly came across the room finding an open seat across from you as she grinned. “And we have a fresh face, and who are you?” she said playing dumb as if she hadn’t requested to follow you on instagram, or as if she didn’t see the stupid hat laying in your lap.

“(Y/N) is a good friend of ours, Whitney.” Megan Bailey came to your defense. Not wanting anything to get more uncomfortable than it already had been, you noticed the game starting to pick up again. “Oh… guys, game’s starting.” you managed to say in a soft voice trying not to get yourself worked up. Your brain was running a mile a minute. Did Mat bring you here to embarrass you? He invited two girls to the game. Did he really think that both of you would show up, were you just supposed to be the backup? This girl had flown in from Vancouver for him. Surely he had to have some idea that this chick would be here. The next 40 minutes of the game came and went and you were honestly to paralyzed and in your feelings to move yourself off the couch and out of the box. It didn’t help that the boys ended up losing by one goal and honestly having an okay game, at best.

“You’re not fucking leaving.” Grace whispered to you, gripping onto your wrist. “You’re going with us to meet the boys downstairs outside of the locker room and you’re getting an explanation.” She didn’t have you in that tight of a hold, but you were still too shocked and in your own head to do anything. Thoughts were running a mile a minute. The girls put distance between you and Whitney as you all made your way down to the spot where you would meet the boys. Originally Sydney had planned a surprise dinner for the whole group, but now you weren’t feeling like you could face the boys. At least you were being brave enough and not crying.. At least not yet.

Hearing Anders tell the boys it was only game one, and it was their year was kind of sweet and brought a halfhearted smile to your face as you watched the boys come out of the locker room, freshly showered and honestly not looking as depressed as you might’ve thought. Mat was one of the last boys to walk out of the locker room with Tito and it’s like you didn’t even have a minute to approach him before Whitney was throwing herself in his arms. His face seemed shocked, it disgusted you, he probably didn’t even think he’d get caught in having two girls come as his plus one to this stupid game. “Whitney…” he said awkwardly. “Thanks for leaving the ticket. I missed the first period, but I heard you played great.” She quipped back not letting him even finish speaking to her. His eyes glanced around the group until they found your face. You handed your hat back to Grace. “I don’t want this anymore. I’m sorry, I’m just going to go now.” You said feeling your eyes watering up.

“You’re a tough cookie, don’t let him see this shit hurt you.” She said softly as the rest of the group tried to act normal as wives and girlfriends met back up with their significant others. Anders came over giving your back a gentle rub, “If it means anything, we like having you around.” You put an awkward smile on your face giving him a nod, as you found the nearest exit. The cool October air hit you like a ton of bricks as you pulled Mat’s jacket around you trying to find more warmth but it only made you more upset. Luckily there were taxis just waiting to take home fans and you quickly found one not lingering around the coli any longer.

(Y/N): don’t contact me anymore. you’ve embarrassed me and you know it… in fact block this number.

You sent Mat a text as quick as your fingers could type it out, as you let tears just fall from your eyes in the stupid taxi, looking like some sort of crazy girl.

(Mat Barzal): (●●●)

You watched the little dots come and go. No text ever came. You were relieved.

#mat barzal #mathew barzal #mathew barzal imagine #mat barzal imagine #new york islanders #new york islanders imagine #hockey oneshot #hockey imagine #hockey imagines #nhl imagine #nhl imagines

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anneshirlxy · 4 years

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Sorting the awae characters into Hogwarts Houses

Because I’m trash and I have opinions

❤️Gryffindor❤️

Anne Shirley Cuthburt- Anne is a Gryffindor! She’s brave and and chivalrous. She fights for whats right! I see a lot of people putting her in Ravenclaw, and yes she is very smart. However Anne is very much someone who acts before she thinks, which is definitely more Gryffindor.

Minnie May Berry- this child went up to a criminal and kicked him! I also feel like she’s going to end up being a rebellious teenager (even more so then Diana because she won’t lie about it) as she has no care for propriety. Big Gryffindor vibes

Moody Spurgeon- I feel like Moody’s a Neville Longbottom type character. It’s doesn’t seem like he would be a Gryffindor, hes a bit of an underdog and expected to be In Hufflepuff, but the sorting hat (in this case me) sees how brave he is.

Philippa Gordon- she may not be in awae, but she’s still one of my favorite characters in the series (kinda mad she won’t be brought to screen). I feel like if you’ve read the books you understand why I put her here.

Mary Lacroix- she is just so strong and powerful! Like she raised a child on her own, I mean really can’t get more brave then that. Also look at how she treated bash when she first met him, she takes no shit!

💙Ravenclaw💙

Winifred Rose- women of her financial status often didn’t work. Winifred was obviously very smart and academically focused (I imagine her family life was a bit like Diana’s and she had to fight for her position at Dr. Wards)

Diana Berry- look at my bby girl! Fighting for her education! She just wants to learn! Also blue is her color.

Ka’kwet- another icon who just wanted to go to school. I mean because people are awful it didn’t work out, but she is such a bright girl.

Murial Stacy- I don’t think I have to explain this one.

John Blythe- we don’t really know that much about him but he was reading Walt Whitman on hes death bed.

💛Hufflepuff💛

Gilbert Blythe- I feel like Gilbert could have been a Slytherin or a Ravenclaw, but I put him in Hufflepuff for 3 reasons. 1. He is definitely honest and loyal. He defends his friends and family constantly. 2. He is very hardworking. I think that he had a Slytherin momment when he considered going the easy way by marrying Winifred for his ambitions, but he ended up going agianst it for his heart (a Hufflepuff move) 3. I’m a Hufflepuff and I’m selfish. He would look so cute in yellow though!

Cole Mackenzie- Hufflepuff artist boy, need I say more

Mathew Cuthbert- I mean i think it’s obvious...

Marilla Cuthbert- she values loyalty and hard work a lot. Also I think the Cuthberts were probably a majority Hufflepuff family.

Ruby Gillis- literal baby. Agian, no explanation needed

Bash Lacroix- he loves his family so much! He’s got such a big heart and works so hard!

Thomas Lynde- we don’t really know much about him, but he seems nice and really just lets Rachel do all the talking. (Also Rachel’s a Slytherin and Hufflepuff x Slytherin is really hecking cute)

💚Slytherin💚

Josephine Barry- I have this theory that the Barry’s are an old Slytherin family. Everyone in the family has been sorted into sytherin untill Diana and Minnie May. Ms. Barry is definitely a queen and I think she’s very ambitious. She really takes no shit.

Mr&Mrs Andrews- I think the Andrews are another old Slytherin family where everyone’s been put in that house for generations.

Billy Andrews- 1. He’s an Andrews 2. He’s cunning, ambitious and a little bitch (also he is very mean, but we don’t support negative Slytherin stereotypes in this household.)

Prissy Andrews- ok I was so close to putting this queen in Ravenclaw. However in the first two seasons she did bend to the will of her family. I think she would be someone who asked to be in Slytherin even though the hat saw her Ravenclaw potential. Also her standing up to her father and asking for her dowery? I could definitely see a Slytherin doing that. (Although once she marries Winnie and they raise 2 kids who are both put into Ravenclaw. She disowns herself from Slytherin and only supports 1 quidditch team)

Eliza Barry- very into whats proper and whats not. Probably came from an old family and met her future husband at school

William Barry- man definitely gives of Slytherin vibes. Also is a Barry.

Rachel Lynde- I don’t think this one needs an explanation

Josie Pye- I mean just look at her motives for doing things and I think you can understand (agian I’m not trying to put the villains in Slytherin because of negative stereotypes. I just do think she’s a Slytherin)

Jane Andrews- she may be a lesbian, but she is also an Andrews and therefore a sytherin

Nathanial- this guy was in Slytherin before he was kicked out of hogwarts.

💜Squib💜

Mr. Phillips-I don’t know how to explain that he gives off squib vibes

Mr. Dunlop- my theory here is that Nathaniel kinda manipulated him into doing his evil plan. They both kinda bonded over the fact that the wizarding world had disowned them.

The end! (Ignore all the spelling and grammar errors)

#awae #i am the sorting hat now #gilbert blythe #anne shirley #diana barry #marilla cuthbert #annewithane #anne with an e #hogwarts #sorting #ruby gillis #cole mackenzie #mathew cuthbert #a lot of other people

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riotatthemovies · 4 years

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Chills Down your Spine (2020) A was honored to get a message from Dead Lantern Pictures asking if Id like to review their latest horror mega anthology film. A sequel to Shiver down your Spine from 2015 from director Mathew Kister. Of course I said yes. Anthology films are often over done for the low budget horror world and some are great and some definitely not.

Have you ever watched an Anthology film and wished that it was just about the wrap around story and not bothered with the short stories with in? Well I liked this movie a lot but this is really what I wished. Its a hell of a lot of fun but I want this to be several movies now. Because it deserves it.

The wrap around story is about a cute genie who is held captive by a masked maniac in his torture dungeon, while across town the genies twin sister has just been freed by a bit of a nerd. The maniac is hilarious as he looks like Leslie Vernon but talks like Bob Cat Goldthwait. The genie and nerdy guy must road trip across town in an adventure reminiscent to the Odyssey in order to save the sister. On this road trip the duo tell each other stories to pass the time. At the same time while trapped in the maniacs lair the other genie sister tells stories to the maniac to try and stall him from killing her. So basically you have two anthology films going on at once so you get double the movie .

With that being said I need to bring up the elephant in room, I liked this movie a lot but it is too damn long. The rent is too damn high and this movie is too damn long. Its literally the length of two movies. We are talking low budget horror anthologies answer to Avengers Endgame long. However this movie is already fully aware of this and is already laughing at me somewhere on the internet as it write a review of my review. Its a DVD with little hands writing a review on a tiny computer somewhere. Remember when I went on and on in praise on House Shark but you guys all went on about how it was too long well baby you ain't seen nothing yet. This is why I say Mega anthology and I really think you should try it.

Its an honest shame many people will find it too long because the movie is funny, creative and pretty damn cool at times. The shorts all have very different tones. Many are from the filmmakers unfinished projects . My favorite is called the Ditch which is a great old Tales from the Crypt comics story at heart. Another called Hysteria is filled with interesting characters, humor and ideas and I wish they just went and made it into a full movie instead of cramming it in here. Seriously the characters in Hysteria deserve their own film so we can see more of them. One of the stories even has its own wrap around pitting you into an anthology paradox which again is a shame because the short is literally really good if not emotionally themed way different then the rest of the film. Each short is very different which is not a bad thing because each does a good job in their own way. But again not to be an ass but their are a lot of them, shorts and ass. If Homer the writer of the Odyssey was here and watched this I'm sure even he would say "Smart and Fun but fuck this is long dude".

The adventures of the wrap around characters are excellent enough on their own. On their adventure the hero and his genie meet a lot of weird and fun people on the way. Without spoiling my fav is a couple that pick them up on the road who are hilarious and creepy as hell.

So let me step off the negative here, if your attention span is low you may just need to smoke a big bowl, get some snacks and get comfy so you can watch this movie alone for an epic short story collection. Smart and creative with some enjoyable Nebraskan indie actors. They are even fully self aware of how long this movie is as they give you a half time show and offer you a chance to leave and come back. A half time show with a third cute genie and a space mummy who actually bitch you out for writing about how long it was on the internet.. Yeah I spoiled that part. Cause I took it personally, I am a beautiful snowflake film critic and you can suck it. (My fault for writing this AS I watch). It is the internet if we didn't bitch on it we would barely fucking use it.

For you rock n roll horror anthology old school sleaze fans this movie has some surprising amounts of boobage. So kudos to them all. Apparent in the shorts (your going to love the Bed and Breakfast short) as well as the humorous factor that the genies want to be topless the entire time. One of the two twin genies has augmented heart shape nipples which are very distracting, but i'm not complaining. The actress that plays both sisters Megan Garcia is extremely cute and backs up her silly characters with having legit comedy timing and giving each sister heir own personally. Done so well that at first I thought it was played by two actual sisters and not one person. Is that a spoiler? I don't know anymore. Regardless Id love to see her in more things... more films I mean. Funny, wacky and fairly slick when they choose to get serious. May have been better as a mini series of Creepshow on rave drugs. As my review as long as this EPIC MEGA Anthology comes to an end I say thank you, good night and go wash your hands.

#chills down your spine #anthology #comedy #horror movies #bmovies #stay awesome

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torunarigha · 4 years

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i made this the other night and honestly its not as cringe as i thought it would be! its a get to know the hertha players + my dumb commentary...

hertha squad smash or pass bc apparently i’m already too exhausted from school work to have a brain

1. Thomas Kraft:

Legend against Frankfurt, sexy saves, but pass

12. Dennis Smarsch

tall and large boi™, our future when he shapes up, pass bc he’s always posting cute shit with his gf (also gives off basic white boy vibes)

22. Rune Jarstein

octopus KING, saves my life every game, along with sala my first favorite player, smash the saves, pass on the father of three daughters (me and his two actual ones)

13. Lukas Klünter

squirrel man from köln that was the fastest runner in the bundesliga last year, was called most consistent man under covic and now is less so, i want him to SHINE but i also want him to stay with us forever bc i’m selfish, i cannot explain but smash 1000000%, e v e r y t h i n g .

17. Maxi Mittelstädt

square faced spandau berliner boy!!! i call him maxi n cie after the quebecois grocery store but that’s neither here nor there. he’s still got some work to do but he’s getting so much better and i’m SO proud of him. more my son than anything so pass for now (emphasis on for now...)

20. Dedryck Boyata

honestly what a cute and beautiful man. killer defender (we miss you! get well soon!) if it wasn’t for man city comment and connection might be smash...but looking at this pic i just want to hug him...so pass (when he comes back with them sexy tackles that answer might change)

21. Marvin Plattenhardt

poor marvin...only call up was for the world cup 2018 (why i’m putting germany jersey pic here). free kick skills through the roof when it happens and solid player...pass bc not my type.

25. Jordan Torunarigha

what a man WHAT A MAN! he is an INCREDIBLE defender, a MYSTERIOUS instagram caption maker, and a HEART that beats more blue and white than anyone in the world. i can’t wait to watch him flourish as an amazing german defenseman and yes that is of course a smash for my bae jordan ...

4. Karim Rekik

ah karim...i always had mixed feelings about him as a defender but now i miss him...as a person i always thought he was cool. he honestly has a gorgeous face and that could be a smash just for that...but i’m gonna say pass. frustration lingers.

5. Niklas Stark

ah nik...the one hertha player everyone on this site knows and loves and my one pride on the NT <3 he made me VERY MAD at the beginning of the season and that tarnished my opinion of him. but he has an incredibly attractive face and seems chill ! i think i’d smash if the chance presented itself !

11. Mathew Leckie

where on EARTH did this man go?? only Australian footy man i know...tbh completely forgot how he plays at all...the mustache ruins it for me, pass

15. Marko Grujić

sexy soft doe who makes dumb tackles sometimes! brilliant footballer, drools over the PL a little bit too much but i do love his love of liverpool. gives off sweetest man in the world vibes when off the pitch (on the pitch, quite the opposite). smash smash and more smash

16. Javairô Dilrosun

okayyyyyy this picture gives off different vibes than i normally associate with my always smiling super talented dutchboy but i’ll take it. literally would give the world for him. please stay at hertha. we love you. originally wrote smash but i cannot legally say that...too much sun/son vibes...pass my sweet legend

18. Santiago Asacibar

uggggghhh my least favorite transfer of all time. he’s ok. he’s been solid so i can’t complain. but a hard pass.

23. Arne Maier

the amount of love and affection i feel toward this berliner born in 1999 man for the amount of time he has actually played in the last while is...incredible. please don’t be a dumb bitch and move and that all the headlines were just made up. you’ve been injured !! be patient !! you’re too much homegrown talent for us to squander you i promise...not my normal type but smash...

3. Per Skjelbred

norwegian that gets up early and looks confused all the time. he’s been solid for us but apparently we’re selling him according to...will miss this deer in the headlights...pass

30. Marius Wolf

he just transferred sometime last season and he’s bffs with EVERYONE honestly respect but the guy freaks me out of bit...can’t explain it. super inconsistent but when he’s good he’s great. his instagram hashtag under every picture is #UNLEASHTHEWOLF ... when will he be unleashed ???? hard pass tho

6. Vladimír Darida

plays one (albeit incredible) game. twitter: BEST MAN OF THE VORRUNDE (honestly though some people’s opinions make me feel like i don’t understand this sport). he is pretty great though, not denying that. pass but respect. lots of it

8. Salomon Kalou

if this man doesn’t get a great send off i WILL riot. incredible presence on the team, nicest happiest funniest man alive. goals that he scores when he actually gets playing time ??? beautiful. couldn’t smash this man though, he’s the uncle i never had. i’ll pass him off to someone who loves him like he loves them.......

9. Alexander Esswein

couldn’t tell you much about ole essy over here...he’s not done much. he’s one of my friend’s exact type so i’ll save him for her. pass.

14. Pascal Köpke

the lad is TRYING! being the son of the NT goalkeeper coach is never easy. its hard to just be thrown on the pitch for the first time and be expected to create magic. hope he just gets better! solid pass bc his face looks like a prof of mine...yikes

19. Vedad Ibisevic

*gently strokes picture* i didn’t know how good i had it. yes i get annoyed at his aggressive testosterone-yness but lordy does he love hertha and is a good captain. i miss seeing him on the pitch and scoring those goals, saving our asses. props, old man <3 definite pass though.

27. Davie Selke

what CURSE has davie fallen victim to??? this man has no aim anymore and i miss his speedy legs and fancy goals !!!! absolute passion to sometimes ridiculous levels on the pitch but i love his heart. off the pitch, most down to earth nice sympatisch guy ever...hard smash

28. Dodi Lukébakio

oof...OOOF. i really really REALLY like him. he shuffles cards well, his voice is so soothing, his smile is INCREDIBLE. and yeah...incredible goal scored and weaver around defenders. and so chill !!!! i hope he stays with us for a long time. smash. marry.

BONUS

(on loan at norwich) Ondrej Duda

my heart grew three sizes when i saw this picture and now my eyes are all misty... he and sala have made my days so good when they were otherwise bad. his goalscoring last season incredible. he barely played this season at all. i don’t understand it. i hope and pray he comes back for us. duda...i love you (pass tho for the same reason as sala...)

#thoughts

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