sicktokick0000000

[sicktokick0000000]

FINALLY

[sicktokick0000000]

whoops

might be in love

he’s sleeping in my bed right now and my stomach is going crazy every time i look over at him

fuck i hope this lasts

[sicktokick0000000]

lel

I’m infatuated again. This is weird. I am in no way romantically attracted to his immature personality. He’s such a dork. But dammit if he’s not good in bed. I really enjoy my time with him!! Like he is the first person I haven’t had to worry about being awkward or pushing things further or avoiding hooking up. It just feels so right mmmm. I might have sex with him. Oh lord. That might be a really bad idea. My friends say I shouldn’t be hooking up with him but he says he’s not going to get attached!! I DON’T KNOW. But I definitely don’t want to stop. He’s so good at cuddling. Hm. Shit. x’)

[sicktokick0000000]

well

he fucked her after only a few days of knowing her

i don’t know if i’m jealous, angry, upset, betrayed, all of the above

jealous that i wish i could just get it over with like that. betrayed that he got over me so quickly and just did it. apparently they had that “spark” and fell in love or whatever. she’s really spontaneous i guess and wanted to get things going. good for him.

i guess i can’t really be mad.. this is what i wanted to happen. i mean he is at no fault, he was single and there was some psycho horny girl ready to jump him. i would’ve done the same. i’m just shocked.

i don’t know if i even want to be friends with him anymore.

[sicktokick0000000]

July 28th, 2015 - 2:41 am

i'm done with you. i'm tired of being manipulated by you and then being made to feel guilty for having feelings. I constantly try to stop your special attention and stupidly awkward flirting because it makes me and tim uncomfortable and you never fucking listen to anything I say. you are not WORTH the emotional stress to me. I have lost all patience for your weak personality and your pathetic attempts to "fawn over me". you have given me every reason to despise you and that's the road i'm taking. you are selfish, arrogant, and destructive. I don't know what happened to make you so fucked up in the head, and I don't care anymore. I hope this fucking hurts.

[sicktokick0000000]

hahahaha I just found the most dramatic shit

I have no recollection of liking him enough to write something like this....

August 4, 2014

I don’t know if you regularly check this, but I know you have it bookmarked so I’m sure you’ll see it eventually. I know that I swore off saying important things over the internet (because of what happened last time) but this needs to be said and there’s no other way I could convey my thoughts.

I have always loved you. Even when I hated you. Even when I didn’t talk to you for months. Every fucking time you cross my mind, it strikes my heart with raw emotion. With hate and love and desire and hurt. It hurts how much I feel for you. I can’t explain it.. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know what makes you so different from everyone else, but I’ve never come close to meeting anyone like you. I have trouble admitting this, because you know I don’t like being the vulnerable one…

…but fuck everything. Whenever you look at me, I know there’s something you’re not saying. I know you’re wishing that you could act on instinct, but you hesitate - I do the same thing. Every time I look at you… I can’t fucking help myself. It’s literally so difficult to resist touching you whenever we’re close. My instinct is always to reach out and touch you. I’m in love with everything about you; your smile, your hands, your smell, your hair, your laugh…

I was supposed to stop loving you last November. I was supposed to stop loving you after I found out about what you did. I was supposed to be over you a long time ago, but I’m still not. Apparently I’m a sad excuse for an independent girl… or maybe it’s something else, I don’t really know.

All I know is that there will always be a part of me that loves you. I know that in ten years I’ll still remember the brilliant color of your eyes, and the scruff of your adorable beard, and the feeling of your arms wrapped around me. I wish things had gone differently. I know I can never have you again.

Regardless, I’ll still love you.

[sicktokick0000000]

so i’m taking a break from daniel

I just wasn't feelin it anymore... and i didn't miss him, i just wanted to enjoy the people that are around me. i want him to go to germany and just enjoy it. i just did not have the emotional strength to deal with trying to communicate with him. i already suck at responding to messages because i have pretty busy days sometimes. and sometimes i don’t and i still didn’t think to contact him.

#oh shit i kissed him tonight #dude

[sicktokick0000000]

i honestly didn’t think this would happen

I mean I was definitely excited to see Sam when I got home, but I didn’t think I would get feelings for him again. I remember over Winter break being super in love with him but I thought that was just some stupid crush that I was being dramatic about.

But dude he just makes me... mmm. I don’t know what it is. We just get really high and he makes me feel so good (｡♥‿♥｡)

Maybe there’s nothing there. He’s really flirty with me?

Agh I shouldn’t even be thinking about this :/ fuck...

[sicktokick0000000]

I just want to go home

I’m so tired. I’m tired of school and stress. I’m tired of not feeling connected to the people around me.

I know my friends care about me, but sometimes they really hurt my feelings. I hate hate hate being left out and they do it to me all the time. I just want to go home to my family that loves me and my friends that always invite me to hang out. Back home I know I have people that care for me and actually enjoy my company. But at school I just feel alone. I don’t know my neighbords, I don’t have a roommate, and no one bothers to keep up with me.

I’m so homesick. I just want exams to be over so I can go back to Raleigh.

I can’t stop crying either.

[sicktokick0000000]

went uptown with daniel and his siblings (ed, kaitlyn, and erik)

they are all fantastic. i love his family! also I apparently made a good impression on his dad because i was polite and made eye contact and shook hands (yay someone recognizes how good i am at that)

it makes me feel good when his family likes me.

i should've kissed him harder when he said goodbye to me to show him how i was feeling, but i was kinda upset about getting us lost on the way back. but i feel so strongly about things and i want to get closer with his siblings and i wanted to show him that (: (: (:

hehehehe things are going so well

[sicktokick0000000]

dear followers

where did you come from? how'd you find me? pls respond

[sicktokick0000000]

Daniel slept over last night!! it was great. we went to see Mockingjay and then got home and pretty much went straight to bed. sleeping was a bit awkward to get comfortable but not nearly as terrible as it's been with other people. it was actually pretty nice. then this morning we woke up around the same time because of trucks outside and we had a bit of time to relax. we made out a lot. it was hot. i kissed his neck and he was all like mmm. kissing him is very interesting but I do enjoy it. it'll get better with time.

things with him are going really well. last night we talked about "future" and "where is this going" and like always we were on the same page. we're just gonna wing it and keep enjoying ourselves, but i'm sure at some point we'll be official. lol. liz farnham. with a boyfriend. hah! it's funny because right before this all started I was in a lonely rut and now look at me two weeks later. merp.

also when I was on top of him his alarm went off and it was Carl singing GOOD MORNING TO YOU and it was hilarious. everything was great. i'm so comfortable with him and i'm so excited to see where things go.

[sicktokick0000000]

well alyssa doesn't hate me so everything is going great. this means me and daniel can actually go somewehre. like... this might happen. this might finally be it. i really think this is happening.

lol could liz farnham eventually have a boyfriend? like an actual relationship with feelings and honesty and dependency and committment? 

part of me is scared when i think about the future, because my feelings haven't been able to be trusted in the past. i always randomly stop liking people, but i always theorized that i subconsciously stopped liking people to protect myself, and I've been right about almost all of them. (Jacob lol)

i could finally be the friend that  has a boyfriend. i can talk about boys. i can have someone that's a part of my life and understands me. on a different level. i'm scared because i've never done this before. but i'm excited to figure it out.

lol this is what movies and buzzfeed articles are always about!!1 getting scared and just having to take the leap with someone. they're tlaking about trust. i feel like i'm on a fence right now and i could teeter either way, but i think i wanna stick with this. like daniel saod - "i like you, i'll keep you around."

which was fuckin adorable

i'm so awkward tho hehehee

[sicktokick0000000]

she is going to hate me so much

fuck

[sicktokick0000000]

lol

well. i went to hawthorn tonight to see Daneil before he left to go home. i don't know what i was expecting but certainly not that happening.  i'm still shaking. i don't know if i can even type this out completely because i just am having so many feelings right now.

we hung out in the office for a bit and then awkwardly stood in Teague and AJ's room utnil we were like "yeh fuck dis let's be alone". and then we sat there and played ukelele and guitar fo ra while and then talked about shtuff. family and whatnot. and the whole time he kept inching closer and closer to me. and then he got up to pee and when he came back we layed next to each other and cuddled kinda and then he was like "sooo i'mma be honest you're really cool and cute and blah blah blah" and then i didn't know what to say so i put his hand on my throat to feel my pulse. WHICH WAS GOING CRAZY OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT JUST HAPPENED AJSFJSKFJSDLKFSDHFUOWEBGEWIOFJIOS.

so anyway then we kissed and it was more like "so yeah now that we've done that, let's talk about wtf do we do about this". it was like we already were on the same page before we realized we were on the same page. y'know what i mean. i read him some of these posts and i really enjoyed telling him about stuff. because you know me, i just love going back and treminising about certain memories and seeing how the other person felt at the time, because i can't read minds but it's kinda like that. i just like knowing how people were feeling when i was feeling SOME KIND OF FEELING.

is this it? is.... what if this is actually it. a boyfriend? we just seemed so obvious that it was gonna happen. we talked about how to tell alyssa (don't even get me started) but i don't know what to even tell her. WHAT ARE WE?! I DON'T want to have to label anything just yet especially if it's just to tell Alyssa. fuck that.

but omg he's so cute and i can't believe he feels that way about me. it feels so good to hearsomeone talk about  you and certain things that you purposely do. and it makesme happy that he noticed those things. especially when it old him how much i've been thinkng about him and he said the same thing... just being on someone else's mind is so spectacular feeling.

wooowwoww. wow.

LIZ THIS IS A BIG DEAL OMG

[sicktokick0000000]

dude

i have no idea if he likes me, but i know i like him. i was doubting my feelings earlier, because i think i preemptively stop liking someone when i feel like they don't reciprocate the feelings. whenever he acts 'different' towards me, it makes me feel all fuzzy inside and makes me like him more. like the fact that we just spent an hour outside the library after everyone s"went home" and we just talked and i was dancing on his longboard (at least attempting) and he was holding my hand for balance. coulda just been for balance but it made me smile on the inside. and then we just stood there and talked while he held the board and i wobbled on it, meaning we were face to face for a good half hour and our faces got really close. i enjoy talking to him a lot.

(but i had to pee the whole time good lord omg)

he has some great morals. i love that he is so strongly bonded with his family and he cares for them like i do for mine. i love that he loves dogs and understands why sadie was my best friend. we just have some really great conversations and i enjoy his company a lot.

i really hope he likes me... sometimes he just looks at me and gahhh.

i hope these feelings don't go away. i really hope they don't.

that's what i said about samm. lol now look at us. but maybe that's because we've been far apart andn haven't had anything to talk about. god damnit i hope things work out here. he's everything that i've been looking for. wellll i don't wanna get my expectations up to high but he is a super fantastic person and a really great friend. i hope i'm not being too obvious when i'm around him. i just do little things like brush his hand when we're close or linger a hand on his shoulder/back when we're walking.

he's hopefully going to receive his valentine tomorrow LOL OH GOD i hope he doesn't instantly know it's from me eeeeeep

btw i think alyssa is catchign on.. she seems sad/distant whenever i go talk to him. i need to stop being so obvious around her :/

[sicktokick0000000]

maybe he doesn't like me. i thought about him all day and it was just a shitty stressful day and all i wanted to do was see him. then i realized that seeing me probably wasn't a big deal to him at all. i wish i could read his mind ugh that would be great.

lol i soudn like alyssa

but now i don't think he likes me and i really need to go get that candy gram back oh lord.

i almost went to get it from that girl but i'm not going to.  he might not even know it's from me. i could always claim that it wasn't me right?? that's the whole point of it being anonymous. although i wish i wrote something better on it than "winky face" lolol

i was gonna write something like "don't let it go to your head/rememebr to be humble" cuz of that little inside joke. but i don't want to make it that obvious. i just love the little looks we give each other when we have our own little connection about something that happened only between us. gahhhh his smile...

also earlier i got to see him for all of 20 minutes and when i left i said "i'm glad i got to see you today" and he was like "errrr yeah"

sooo he probably doesn't like me. that line was a little too obvious. ughhhh i need to stop being so open about it, especially because of alyssa. i can't forget about how she feels.

fuck i totally forgot about alyssa. shit.. maybe that's why i'm so attracted to him, because if anythign happened between us it would HAE to be a secret. at least for a bit. i don't know how he would feel about that.