#I no longer have asthma attacks from singing too much! I get tired and a little out of breath but no asthma!

[lavender-teardroplettes]

Friendship Bracelets and Stab Wounds🔪

Working title for the beginning of my YOU and HIM fanfic!

Pairing: This is going to be heavily Si and Adam focused with Cain making an appearance in later chapters!

Content Warnings: Religious trauma, mentions of child abuse and neglect, mentions of blood/being stabbed, mentions of cannibalism, general cw for serial killer/yandere themes, nsfw themes (in later chapters). More could be added, but I think this covers the gist of it. Also small content warning for depictions of an asthma attack in this chapter.

Enjoy Chapter 1~!

Church. Si had never really liked going to church, he didn’t really see the point of it. The stories and metaphors were long, tiring, and often didn’t make much sense to him in the long run. Well- that is- if he ever paid attention for that long. Often times he’d be roughly shaken awake by Aunt Ruth, her scowl ever present each time he had the audacity to sleep during the sermon. He’d always scowl back at her, and they’d get into an argument about how he’s ‘too old to be sleeping in church now.’ He only ever went when he was visiting his aunt and uncle, which happened to be a lot during summer and winter holidays from school- where his parents didn’t have to deal with him and vacation away child-free for a few months or weeks depending on the time of year.

No, the only things he liked about Church were Sunday school recess and singing with the choir. Si was enrolled in his school’s choir, so it was nice being able to continue with it when he was here in Arizona. There was a boy around his age, maybe a year older, who Si really admired for his singing voice. He was also pretty cute, but an eight year old really didn’t have a grasp of that concept yet. Still, he’d find himself staring at the boy occasionally, and was a little surprised to find that sometimes their eyes would meet. Si himself was too shy to really start a conversation or ask if the boy would want to play with him during recess- too many failed attempts told him it was better to just play on his own since not many kids seemed to like beast-kin children. He tried his best to hide his ears with his hair and kept his tail tucked under his skirt as much as he could, but he could hear the other children whispering about him, and he decided he didn’t need to be friends with mean people in the first place. The boy also didn’t seem to have many friends, or that people were just avoiding him entirely. Si had heard whispers about him being the pastor’s son, maybe that was why? He couldn’t really understand it at the time, but he knew he felt a little sorry for the boy knowing how lonely it could be on your own.

The sound of the organ brought Si out of his thoughts once more- it was time to sing the closing hymn before the sermon ended for the day and Sunday school to begin afterwards. He followed his relatives in standing, Aunt Ruth opening the hymn book for Si to read along with as they sang. “My God is good, and he is kind, for this gives us peace of mind. Loyal lambs, in his flock, lead to glory, and not to rot-,” Si could feel his nose scrunch at some of the words. He didn’t agree with them or his simple understanding of their meaning- not everyone here was the picture perfect idea of what a good church goer was ‘supposed’ to be like. He knew this, because he wasn’t one of them. He was only here because his Aunt forced him to be, his own parents didn’t even attend anymore and hadn’t for a long time, longer than before he was even born. Still, he sang along, and tried to be on his best behavior nonetheless. Just a few more pages and a steady process of fudging some answers to the teacher later and he’d have his freedom for a few hours.

The group for today’s class was a little larger than he had remembered it being, so he was lucky in not being called on for today in favor for some of the newer faces in class. Si took note that the boy didn’t seem to be there that day, that is, until he came in quietly with a note for the teacher. His head was down the whole time, but the air around him felt tense and distressed. The other kids didn’t seem to notice or mind, but Si couldn’t help but want to ask what was wrong and to comfort him in some way. The teacher let the boy, who Si heard her call him Adam, leave the class for recess early much to the rest of the classes dismay as it was time for the final lesson. Once the class broke for recess, Si got to work looking for Adam. The playground area wasn’t too large, accompanied by a field for playing soccer or tag and a few trees lining the fence. When Si couldn’t find him under the jungle gym, he took for the field, finding the boy crying behind one of the larger oak trees.

Suddenly, Si felt what he later figured out was social anxiety creep up from the back of his neck. His tail puffed up with the annoying itchy feeling that always followed suit, and he wanted to run away at first. Before he could, Adam looked up from hiding in his arms to wipe his eyes, only to see the cat beast-kin who only showed up two times a year- the cat person he had been so curious about but afraid to approach. Si’s eye’s widened and slit in surprise, and he found himself blushing nervously while balling his hands into his dress. For a moment, neither of them moved. Adam was first, moving to open his mouth to say something, but Si cut him off frantically. “I-I! Uhm...A-are you okay?” Carefully, he took a step forward. Adam leaned back with a frown on his face, seemingly trying to force himself to stop crying- which only caused more hot tears to stream down his face. His cheek looked red and swollen, and Si shrunk a little at how much hurt his eyes carried. Still, he persisted, getting close enough to bend down at arms reach and hand Adam a tissue.

Adam studied the tissue for a moment, sniffing quietly as he looked Si over. He could see the concern in their face, like they were genuine in their worry for him. When Adam didn’t reach for the tissue right away, Si got closer, moving to wipe the tears from his cheeks gently. The action surprised Adam, but all he could do was sit there and blush as a wave of emotions overtakes him. The sudden gentleness and kindness from what essentially was a stranger to him was overwhelming, mixing with the fear and pain from his encounter earlier caused a new wave of hot tears to stream down into Si’s hands. Si’s tail puffed up in alarm as Adam quietly sobbed into his hands, and he pulled the larger boy into a hug. Adam’s arms were shaking as they held each other, and Si could feel his shoulder getting soaked with tears after a few moments. It made Si’s heart hurt, and while he didn’t really understand what was going on, it made him sad enough to tear up as well. Still, he held Adam for as long as he needed to, letting Adam pull away first. There were too many tears left over to wipe away with just his hands, so Si used a few more of his hand tissues to help Adam wipe his face. Once Adam’s tears seemed to stop for the time being, they sat there in an awkward silence, both of the children holding their knees and staring at the ground. Adam felt mortified for crying in front of someone like that, but he also found it to be really comforting to get it all out like that.

“….Thank you…” Si’s ears perked up at the sound of Adam’s voice, soft and horse from crying. He gave a shy smile to Adam when he glanced over, tapping his feet on the grass nervously, “Y-you’re welcome. Uhm...I’m ---- by the way.” Adam blinked and mulled Si’s deadname in his mind, “Adam...how do you say that again?” Si rubbed the back of his neck with a sheepish expression, “Ah...it’s okay, you can call me something else if you want, my friends at school call me by nicknames so I’m used to it.” Adam nodded, picking at a few strands of grass idly, “I’ll think of something, I-I guess….can I call you Cat for now?” Si blinked then smiled with a nod, “Sure, can I call you Addy?” It was Adam’s turn to blink, he wasn’t expecting to get one as well. Did this mean they were friends now? Is that how it worked? He glanced back down at the pair of wide, brown, cat-like eyes staring back at him excitingly, and he found himself looking away with a nod and a blush, “Uh...yeah, sure.”

There was another pause in their conversation, the sound of the other children playing filling the silence between them, but this time it was much more comfortable than before. Si looked over to Adam and leaned a bit closer, as if they were sharing a secret, “Addy, why were you crying?” Adam’s eyebrows furrowed before he tucked his face into his knee, “I don’t want to talk about it…” Si blinked before nodding, knowing better than to press the matter. There were loads of things he didn’t want to talk about himself, so he could understand how Adam must have been feeling. Si reached his hand out, smiling and poorly hiding a giggle at Adam’s confused expression, “Do you wanna hold my hand? My mom used to rub the back of mine when I cried to help me feel better.” Pitch black eyes stared back at him through locks of brown hair, seemingly processing the question like it was a hard math problem. “….Okay….sure.” Si’s ears perked in a way Adam found endearing, and he slipped his hand into Si’s smaller one. It was warm and as inviting as the rest of the beast-kin, and Adam couldn’t help but wonder if being part cat had anything to do with it, or if it was just Si on his own. Si gave Adam’s hand a gentle squeeze, being careful not to squeeze too hard. It felt firm to Adam, he figured beast-kin humans must be stronger depending on their race, but it was still reassuring.

He liked the way it felt when Si’s thumb started trailing little circles on the back of his hand. He didn’t know why it felt so soothing, but it was better than the bitter feeling that came after you finished bawling your eyes out. “...You’re really kind, Cat...thank you” Adam’s eyes where drawn to his shoes as a new feeling started to bubble up in his chest, another blush softly spreading on his face as he got accustomed to the warm sensation. He wasn’t really sure what it was, but he had decided in the moment that he liked Si and was happy that he came looking for him. Si’s eyes widened a bit when he saw Adam smile, and his ears seemed to twitch around, finding the best way to express the new feeling he also felt in his chest. They seemed to settle on folding back against his head, annoyingly being wedged uncomfortably between his hair buns as the hot feeling on his face alerted him that he was blushing himself. “I just...didn’t feel right leaving you alone after seeing how sad you were.” Adam’s grip tightened on Si’s hand slightly as he took their words in, genuinely surprised that someone cared that much about him without even knowing him.

Adam opened his mouth to speak, but it was cut off by the sound of the recess bell. “Oh...Looks like it’s time for choir practice.” Si’s gaze was directed to the church building, missing the longing look Adam was giving him. Adam wanted to continue the conversation, he wasn’t ready to go back yet. Si stood up, still holding Adam’s hand as he tugged on it gently, causing Adam to lean forward and have to balance himself with his free hand. Adam didn’t know what would be more mortifying- crying in front of his new friend as their first interaction, or eating dirt in front of them because he wasn’t stronger than a werecat a year younger than him. A thought passed though his mind as he caught himself- he needed to be stronger to protect them. He didn’t know where it came from, but he held onto it for dear life. “C’mon Addy we gotta go sing!” Si’s eyebrows furrowed, the anxiety over being late expressing itself with a few flicks of his tail. Despite feeling annoyed that recess was over, Adam could help but smile at Si as he stood up, “Are we going to sing together?” The question made Si perk up, and his tail stopped flicking, instead replaced with a happy sway that followed his excited nodding. “Mhm! Mhm! Mhhhm!” The last confirmation of his agreement to the idea was accented with an exaggerated head nod, “We can sing together every practice! But….you’re kinda taller than me, so I might be moved to the front of the group when we perform. Maybe I can stand in front of you then?”

Once Adam was up, they started walking back together as they talked. Adam liked the idea of singing together, nodding along with Si before frowning at the mention that they might be separated. “I dunno...maybe you could stand with me, I’d like that..” The last part came out of the corner of his mouth, but Si heard it anyways, “That would be pretty nice, huh?” Adam blinked and Si just smiled back at him, oblivious to the fact that he wasn’t supposed to hear what Adam tried to mumble to himself. The taller of the two made it a mental note that Si had good hearing, he should have figured that much at the least knowing what he read about cats in the library. He nodded quietly without saying anything further, Si’s attention was on the building’s door and no longer on him. There was a crowd of children waiting to funnel into the building, but Adam could see how nervous Si looked, probably worried that they’d be scolded for being the last two in. Adam tugged on Si’s hand to get his attention before pointing at the door, “Do….Do you want to race?”

The way Si brightened up would have blinded Adam as if he was the sun, “Yes!! I’ll even give you a head start!” Adam’s eyebrow raised at the sudden confidence that seemed to well from the shorter of the two, where cat beast-kins that fast? Si poised himself, his eyes trained back to the door with determination, “You get five Mississippi’s when you start running!” A smile crept on to Adam’s face at the challenge, breaking off into a sprint before Si could react. He counted five Mississippi’s, looked back behind him, and was surprised to see Si closing the distance between them. It looked like Si was going to win for a moment after he passed him shortly after words, but suddenly Si held onto his side while slowing down. It looked like he was panting and trying to push past the pained expression that overcame his face. Adam had seen other kids react like this while running, but usually they had an inhaler to use when this happened. Si never pulled one out, instead slowing down to a weak jog before having to stop. One of the teacher assistants noticed this in the middle of ushering kids along into the building and rushed over before Adam could reach Si. He just stood there in shock as the assistant pulled out an emergency inhaler, helping Si use it before picking him up. They looked over at Adam with a sorry expression, “Run along now, Adam, I’ll take ---- to the nurse and call their Auntie to pick them up.” Adam wanted to protest, but he knew better. He didn’t know how to help despite every part of his body urging for him to do something. His lips pursed as he watched Si cough, his sturdy body seeming so frail in the moment.

The thought passed his mind again- he needed to be stronger to protect him. Adam’s fists balled as he watched the assistant walk away, noticing the way Si’s tail hung lifelessly after being so vibrantly expressive while they were together. He could feel the tears welling in his eyes again, but he forced them back before continuing to jog towards the building. He took note of the calendar in the hallway. It was the beginning of August, Si would only come to church two more times before leaving again. He had taken note of every time the shy, almost aloof cat person came to visit each year, and he had also taken note of the way the other kids would whisper about him, much in the same way they would do with Adam. Despite many forms of direct eye contact, it seemed to him like neither of them were going to approach each other first. While Adam had experience with friendly stay cats, Si was another world of communication that he just didn’t understand or know how to approach. But, somehow, they still found each other.

Adam frowned, pausing for a moment as he examined it. “August….they’ll be gone until the middle of December.” His heart dropped, seemingly in the same way it had did earlier, but for different reasons this time. The chorus teacher walked up behind him, noticing Adam staring at the calendar, “Oh, hello Mr. Gaudin. Are you excited for picture day?” Adam’s eyes scanned the calendar again- picture day was next week. He didn’t really care about it before, but this was a chance to at least have something related to Si while he waited for December to come around. Adam smiled in a way that actually reached his eyes for once, delighting the director given what she had overheard in the lounge. “Yes, I am. Thank you Ma’am.” He nodded his head to her, feeling confident for once in his plan and with himself. Following the teacher’s direction, he made his way to the main hall for choir practice. While he was sad that they couldn’t sing together today, he looked forward to seeing Si again and hoping that they were just as excited to see him next Sunday.

#you and him #you and him game #adam yah #fanfic #si writes #friendship bracelets and stab wounds #currently writing chapter 2 rn hehehe #Who's ready for some good ol' fashioned ANGST??? >:D

[tj-crochets]

I got new sheet music that’s got a book per decade and it’s so much fun but also my voice is almost gone I sang too much lol 

#the person behind the yarn #the 80s decade is weirdly expensive #so I got the 60s-2010s except for the 80s #as a present to myself for getting my taxes done/going to a three hour dentist visit/finishing commissions #and other general adulting-type tasks that needed doing #mostly the taxes and the dentist those not gonna lie #it was the tax return that gave me the idea and then I went to the dentist and was like yep new sheet music time #so far I have played through the 60s and knew more music than I expected to from the 60s? #space bear is almost done! I got the face sewn on and the head sewn today #so just the body left to make #I haven't actually cut fabric out for the weighted poly pellet pouch either I should do that #once I catch my breath from singing so much lol #I no longer have asthma attacks from singing too much! I get tired and a little out of breath but no asthma! #I'm counting it as a major win even if I couldn't play all my new sheet music today

[i-growl-growl-growl]

Mobile masterlist p.2

Since the first masterlist can no longer take any more sections, I’m attempting to make a second masterlist for those on mobile.

                                Super Junior reactions

they are jealous

accidentally kicked in the privates while wrestling

all the members are in love with the same 98 liner

Eunhyuk gets a vaccination

helping you recover from a Lecion

their partner has low self-esteem

                           BigBang reactions

His partner sells drugs to a celebrity

discovering their partner is a tazza

                            EXO reactions

1 Drying their patner’s hair after showers (fluff)

Being in the ER after their child attempts suicide (sad/triggering)

Their partner agrees to let them adopt children (fluff)

their child is diagnosed with ADHD (slice of life+drama/family)

Their unborn baby might be abnormal (slice of life+drama/family)

Their boyfriend wants to top (smut/sexual)

Their child comes out as transgender (slice of life+drama/family)

His partner proposes to him

His partner knows how to massage

Their partner denies that they are sick

They’re are in a Daddy/child age play relationship (smut/sexual)

Worrying about their pregnant partner overworking (angst)

Accidentally saying something about their secret relationship (dating)

Their child dies from cancer (sad/triggering)

Watching the filthy Frank show (viewing)

Watching John Cena vines (viewing)

Their partner continues to train with an abusive ballet teacher

Meeting a child who’s hiding from the doctors (fluff)

Having an overly attached partner

Hearing you sing TaTu’s songs (viewing)

Watching CL’s Hello Bitches video (viewing)

Their child shows them their self-harm scars (sad/triggering)

When their partner is the real sculptor of Rom muecks artwork (fictional)  

Visiting a horror house with their partner

Receiving another figging punishment but being consoled afterward (smut/sexual)

Giving their bulimic partner medicine

Their partner wants to remain a Tazza even after being beaten up (fictional)

Their anorexic partner won’t let them give them an IV (sad/triggering)

Fighting with their daughter (drama/family)

They slap you during a fight (drama/family)

Dating someone who is similar to themselves (dating)

You cheat on them (angst)

You do the “now you see me” piranha tank stunt (fictional)

His daughter has an abusive boyfriend (drama/family+triggering)

You’re in Tove Lo’s High video (viewing+fictional)

Sehun dates Kaya Scodelario (dating)

Watching Rihanna’s Bitch better have my Money video (viewing)

Receiving a figging punishment (smut/sexual)

Their religious partner is afraid to kiss them

Their partner over practices ballet because they want to be the best

Their partner injures their should but continues practicing Acro-Dancing

Their partner hides their body curves because they’re self-conscious

making a Halloween pumpkin with their partner (fluff)

their partner suggesting an open relationship (dating)

Their partner plays Harley Quinn in the next Suicide Squad

their child kisses another members child that is the same gender

their boyfriend comes out to them as bisexual (slice of life/……)

walking in on their younger brother having sex with another member (smut/sexual)

showering with their significant other

they are doms and spank/punish you when you do something that’s not allowed (smut/sexual)

His boyfriend denies he has an eating disorder (sad/triggering)

seeing their partner featured in Jay Park’s Mommae mv (viewing+fictional)

his lover has an asthma attack and exo can’t find their inhaler

accompanying their daughter while getting an injection (family)

their partner swallows nails to hurt themselves (sad/triggering)

you’re really sad and tired so they try to comfort you (fluff)

you end up in jail for scamming a person and they pay the bail fee

Their partner says they are “friends with benefits” rather than partners (dating)

A youtuber they like covers their song

Their female friend walks out in a towel but it drops

seeing you fangirl to Bang Bang Bang (viewing)

Their partner lets people treat them badly (drama/family)

Their partner has anemia but won’t take any medicine (sad/triggering)

Finding out their partner is a cannibalistic serial killer (fictional)

Finding you cutting yourself in the bathroom (sad/triggering)

Awkward morning after a drunk one night stand (smut/sexual)

getting stuck in an elevator with a foreigner who speaks their language

First time with their boyfriend/partner (smut/sexual)

seeing your self-harm scars (sad/triggering)

Their idol crush steals their papel on Running Man

Their partner is a slow eater

meeting their child for the first time (fluff+family)

discovering their partner is a Tazza (fictional)

They find out you write fanfics about them

Their partner walks around the dorms in a hoodie and under and the others see

Saying their partner is cute around the other boys and one of them replies

finding out their partner was a gifter before meeting them (fictional)

you put a bra on top of their chest and take a picture while they sleep

his partner does illegal gambling (drama/family)

Their best friend’s partner is abusive (sad/triggering)

81 going with their partner to the doctor and the doctor makes an indecent preposition

EXO page 2

When they are crying and the ageplay mommy/daddy comforts them  (Lay, baekhyun, Chen)

when they accidentally go into their “little space” (ageplay) (Lay, Baekhyun, Chen, Kyungsoo)

Their vampire partner refuses to turn them (Kris, Suho, Kyungsoo, Tao)

EXO/NCT announcing to their partner that they’re pregnant (Luhan, Baekhyun, Yuta, Ten)

Their partner doesn’t let them meet their child because they might be unhappy/accusing  (lay, Sehun, Chanyeol, Chen)

being trapped in an elevator with their crush (Sehun, Chanyeol, Lay, Chen)

their partner’s child accusing them of replacing their mom (Suho, Baekhyun, Xiumin, DO, Kai)

Finding out they’re supposed to be the next victims of their serial killer partner (Kris, Chen, Lay)

Being insecure about their relationship because their partner already has a kid (Luhan, Chanyeol, Tao, Sehun)

A jealous fan tries to hurt his family

Finding out their partner is a demigod (fictional)

Their partner doesn’t eat much and won’t take vitamins

Their partner being in a mafia family but they cut all the ties to the mafia

His dom partner punishes him for worrying about them

his partner has ADHD (slice of life)

Being friends with benefits but realizing they love you

Ageplay (part 2)- when he’s the child in the relationship (role switch)

his partner trains with the abusive ballet instructor again (sad/triggering)

being rewarded by their dom after the figging punishment (smut/sexual)

When you stop eating after they finish eating bc you eat slowly

Discovering their partner is a virgin after having sex with them for the first time (smut/sexual)

Going w/ their religious partner to a confession

Making their partner feel good for their first time (smut/sexual)

Being punished for laughing about their Dom’s status (smut/sexual)

Their shy partner gets jealous of a hot waitress

Finding out they have speeding tickets

you’re pretty but don’t believe it (slice of life+drama/family)

Their teenage daughter gets pregnant (drama/family)

Their partner is addicted to a legal drug but it’s harmful

Catching their partner smoking weed at a party

30 Trying to feed you because you have an eating disorder (sad/triggering)

Their partner is afraid of injections and has to get vaccinated  

Learning that their partner is pregnant with 4 kids instead of 1  

When another member breaks up  

Their partner gets bitten and is dying (zombie au)  

Having “sexy time” with their partner and their parents/ other members catch them

What type of fathers they’d be      (family)

seeing you dancing and singing sensuously to “sexy, naughty, bitchy”  

wanting to be comforted when they’re upset  

Hearing their partner puking in the bathroom, finding out they have an eating disorder  (sad/triggering)

Their partner speaks english and spanish but is trying to learn korean/mandarin  

Falling in love with a person with pixie hair  

Their partner serves them breakfast in bed (edited 9/8/17)

seeing their partner dancing to country music  

what sex with exo would be like (smut)

45 Finding out Luhan kidnapped Xiumin  

Having to give up “sexy time” because their partner’s dog tries attacking them  

They want to do stuff but you don’t get it (smut-ish)

when their bed breaks after a long night with their partner (smut)

their daughter wants to do their hair and makeup for a performance

Exo their long-time gf (sexualy active) wants them to take their tshirt off to sleep  

you dress up for them and you’re that kind of person who doesn’t care about their appearance

you are partner (Polish) and you unconsciously start talking in your mother language  (this is linked it just doesn’t look like it is)

coming home and finding their partner watching hsm and singing along  

their idol partner can sing on Inkigayo and you hit INCREDIBLY high notes  

If they’re in Hello Baby  

their partner comes to them and want to hug them without a reason  

finding out about their partner’s love of aquariums! especially florescent jellyfish  

reaction to chen turning into a kitten  

seeing their partner coming home completely wet from head to toe and pissed  

coming home to find their partner eating ice cream & crying bc of a movie but they continuously ignore them because the movie is too good  61

Exo: reaction to kai’s  short lived Instagram  

when Sehun meets a girl not willing to deal with his sassiness  

their crush, a trainee, nailing the high notes and also dances perfectly to their songs  

finding out their partner turned into a vampire  

coming home to see you and DO planning world domination  

when you catch them checking you out (I think this is a repeat….)

finding out you have a naughty ( ;) ) piercing  

seeing their model gf walk the catwalk for a Victoria Secrets Showcase  

finding out you have a really sensitive part of you neck like Lay does  

reacting to Lay watching My Little Pony  

their partner gets scolded by their dance teacher because they’re not learning the dance quick enough 72

when their their partner does a lingerie cf  

seeing a girl with short (boyish) hair  

your mom doesn’t approve of the relationship  

finding out that their partner smokes  

they catch their partner drinking even though they know they had an alcohol addiction  

their b/gf comes home late really drunk because you two had a huge fight.  

their cousin undresses their b/gf in his mind  

their partner puts their hand down their pants after their cousin flirts with them and yells “it’s in my every night” in front of their entire family  80

EXO page 3

(Yandere) types of yandere/ soft-sadistic mtl *not a reaction*

their s/o keeps loosing at strip poker and is almost naked  

Their partner helps them while they’re pregnant (Luhan) (Baekhyun) (needs yuta & Ten)

getting attention from other companies after their partner’s fame skyrockets (Suho) (Sehun) (Chanyeol) (Chen) 59-62

Reacting to you sucking their bottom lip (all members) (linked but doesn’t look like it)

Finding out that their partner was a serial heartbreaker and player in the past (Lay, Chanyeol, kai, Sehun)

reaction when their kid comes out of the closet  

you suddenly brushing them on their ‘thang’ when they spill a drink on you and you try to clean it up  

seeing their partner performing in a HUGE award show with a broken foot  

having a dream of their partner getting kidnapped   (edited 9/9/17)

becoming jealous after seeing you hug a close guy friend from school  

Kyungsoo and Ariana  (kyungachu[.]tumblr[.]com) having a cute fluffy relationship  

50 when you fangirl(boy) over G Dragon to them  

falling in love with someone older than them  

they’re students in your class and they fall in love with you  

they change their hairstyle and want compliments but you don’t notice  

they wake up to find you asleep at your desk because you’ve been studying for an exam  

you both watch You’re beautiful and you start crying when a sad scene comes on  

reacting to Luhan singing “do you want to build a Minseok”    

hearing you fangirl(boy)ing over Shinee’s “Your Number” when they come home    

their partner has a crush on One Direction  

their partner sends them nudes  

realizing their jewelry was stolen after shaking hands with someone  

Their crush asks them out  

buying tampon for their sick partner  

their ‘partner’ has a panic attack  

getting lost in a foreign country and they don’t know the language  

finding you sleeping with the teddy bear they got you for when they’re touring  

their partner is sassy & cries after yelling at them during their pregnancy  

A sex scenes come on and you tell him you want to try it    

32 you mumble in your sleep for Kai to stop eating Suho’s cat and buy him another one  

finding out that their partner watches hentai  

their bestfriend starts having feelings for them but they don’t feel the same way  

their partner is rushed to the hospital/has to have surgery  

finding out their friend is having financial trouble & is starving but they didn’t want to tell them  

catching their partner reading yaoi  

when their ex is harassing their partner  

their reaction after sex with you for the first time  

being partnered with their crush to do the Thinking out Loud dance together  

when another member drunkenly kisses their partner  

when their partner is afraid of thunder  

an incident happens when their partner sits on their lap  

they accidentally hurt their partner during sex  

Their partner runs away after telling them they love them  

falling in love with an android/robot  

falling in love with the “girl of Ipanema” at the beach  

16 what they would do for their partner on valentines day  

their partner kisses them then runs away  

you tell them that you’re afraid (or don’t want) to have kids  

trying to have alone time with their partner but their band members keep following them  

when you drink a lot because of depression from having a miscarriage  

when you shave all of they hair off while they’re asleep  

hearing their crush’s new song about them “bug a Boo”  

finding out you’re protective and get jealous easily  

you already have a partner but you’re cheating on them with an exo member  

asking you to marry them    

they tell you they’ve been in love with you for a long time  

they find out you can sing Growl in korean  

when you tell them you’re breaking up with them but it’s a test to see how they’d react  

having their first big fight as a couple but neither of you want to apologize first  

when they think you’re in love and will leave them for someone else  

their partner tells them that they actually aren’t pregnant  

EXO unlinked/unpaged (in archive Jan-Feb 2015)

39. exo: They find out that you like them

38. exo: they saw you catch them masturbating

37. exo: you tell them you’re pregnant after ‘sexy time’ (you’re married)

36. exo: nervous about messing up on recording with their favorite senior idol

35. exo: you try to comfort them because they can’t stop crying after winning an award

34. exo: they flirt with someone to make you jealous but you don’t notice

33. exo: your parents don’t like them

32. Exo: their boy/girlfriend is an evil villain in a movie

31. exo: they win the Best Couple Award for their drama with you

30. exo: their child(ren) can take better selfies than them

29. exo: they broke up but see you with someone else and wants you back (jan. 31 2015)

28. exo: you leave hickeys on their neck and shoulder

27. exo: they’re your boyfriend and they see you checking someone else out

26. exo react: they find out you’re taller than them

25. exo:you’ve had sex before but they’re still virgins so they feel awkward

24. exo: they receive sexy underwear from their boy/girlfriend and the band teases them

23. exo: their Brazilian girlfriend dances samba on international TV

22. exo: seeing their crush being rejected by a guy/girl

21. exo: they’re your teacher and they’re in love with you

20. exo: before/after their wedding ceremony

19. exo: a member walks in on them making out with you in the dorm

18. exo: their crushing asking to paint them naked

17. Exo: having wet dreams about their boy/girlfriend so they feel awkward

16. exo: their crush kissing them to stop them from rambling about their love for them

15. exo: you tease them for liking hyoyeon (snsd)

14. Exo: has a secret crush on you but they’re are drunk

13. Exo: their boy/girlfriend kisses them for the first time

12. exo: their boy/girlfriend has a month to live (they have children)

11. exo cheat on their boy/friend

10. Exo: you ask for a lap dance

9. exo: you call them your ex’s name

8. exo: when you broke up but see you with your new boy/girlfriend

7. Exo: meeting their favorite idol for the first time

6. exo: their boy/girlfriend joins “we got married” with someone else

5. exo reacts:seeing the model/actor/actress they’ll work with

4. exo reacts: someone flirting with their boy/girlfriend

3. exo reacts to their boy/girlfriend wanting to “do it”

2. exo finds a dog/cat and wants to keep it

1. exo meets you for the first time (jan. 18 2015)

#masterlist #masterlist attempt #mobile masterlist

[xxx-cat-xxx]

A little broken

Over a year after defeating Thanos and almost losing Tony, Peter is still haunted by the final battle. In an attempt to outrun the memories, he starts college far from New York.

It takes a visit from his mentor and an ill-timed flu bug that brings them both to their knees until Peter realises that he doesn’t have to take on the whole world alone.

Some Irondad hurt/comfort for everyone who’s quarantining at home (and those of you who have to work. Stay safe!) This is my @marveltrumpshate​ fic for Heyriel. Great thanks to @whumphoarder​ for doing so much more than beta reading. I hope you enjoy.

______________________________

The first time they meet, Peter isn’t sure what to make of Tony Stark. 

The man shows up unannounced to Peter’s apartment, chewing on May’s date loaf and walking around Peter’s room as if he owns the place—talking as if he owns the whole world. Peter is both awed and appalled, May’s occasional comments about greedy billionaires ringing in his ears. But then Peter starts talking about his motivation for doing what he does, and for a moment something in the older man’s face seems to break. That’s when Peter knows that there’s more to him than what makes the tabloids. 

Germany is both a thrilling adventure and an unparalleled disaster. Peter watches the group of heroes he’s looked up to since childhood break apart before his very eyes. The fight is grueling, taking more out of Peter than he knew was possible. He is lying there on the ground, trying to catch his breath, when Tony bends over him. And for a moment, there it is again: the broken facade on his face—below it, pure panic. The way Tony looks at him with thinly masked worry reminds him of Ben’s expression whenever Peter was little and having an asthma attack, and it does something to his insides that he can’t really explain. 

Then, a few months later, Peter inevitably screws up and slices a ferry in half. The two of them are standing high above the city when Tony takes his suit away, and Peter feels tears pricking at his eyes. He cries later in his room, alone, because it’s so much more than just the suit; he feels that by disappointing Tony he’s lost his chance at something so much bigger. 

It’s a miracle he manages to fix this one.

After Siberia, Tony is darker and quieter and indisputably older—like he’s finally grown up. Peter is sad for him, but it’s not all bad either. This new Tony starts taking more of an interest in Peter’s training—starts acting like a real mentor to him. There are afternoons spent together in the lab, dinners at the tower with Tony and Mr. Rhodes, and even the occasional low-stakes mission. Slowly, Tony’s world starts to feel like a place where Peter might one day belong.

But then, the universe gets ripped in two and somewhere on a red and war-torn planet, Peter clings to Tony in desperation, feeling first his body, then his thoughts slip away from him. 

When he wakes again, there’s another battle to fight, but this time there’s no thrill to it. It’s his personal horror film come true.

He can hear the moment when Tony’s heart stops. Peter cries openly this time.  

*

In the end, Tony makes it through. He loses an arm and much of his physical strength, but he’s stubborn as hell and fights his way through recovery. But somehow the day of the battle never fades from Peter’s brain like memories should. 

When he finishes school, May proposes NYU, Tony naturally wants MIT, but Peter chooses Culver University. It might be good for him to get out of New York, is what he says. It might be good for him not to be in a place that has Tony’s legacy lurking around every corner, is what he thinks. And maybe moving away will make things easier when he returns. 

Three months into Peter’s first semester at Culver, Tony accepts a guest speaking gig at the university and decides to stay at a nearby hotel to spend the weekend with Peter.

And that’s when it all goes to hell. 

*

“Hello? Earth to Peter.” Tony waves a hand in his face. “Who are you daydreaming about?”

“Huh?” Peter looks up at Tony, then down at his half-finished iced tea. “Nothing,” he evades. “Nobody, I mean. Sorry, I’m just—just tired. And I have a lot of work left this weekend.”

“Mh-hmm.” Tony looks as if he isn’t quite believing it. “You want more spring rolls?” 

“Nah, I’m good. I’ll wait for the main dish.” 

Peter hasn’t eaten much today, but he’s not quite hungry either. He’s nursing a headache and the tiredness is not just an excuse. As happy as Peter is to see his mentor, Tony’s timing in showing up the week before midterms really could’ve been better. Peter feels like he might fall asleep right here at the restaurant table, but he already knows that he’s going to have to stay up until late to finish his readings. 

“You’re doing it again,” Tony points out. “You’re being awfully quiet, kid. What’s going on?” 

“Nothing, seriously.” Peter manages to hold eye contact for a few seconds and then takes another sip of his iced tea. “So, you said we could fix the suit while you’re here?”

Tony takes the bait (or maybe just lets it drop intentionally) and the talk quickly turns technical. 

After a few minutes, they’re interrupted by the waitress—a student Peter thinks he recognises from his Python lab—who stares at Tony for a moment, her gaze lingering on the scars decorating his right cheek and ear before dropping down to his bionic arm. Then she catches herself and asks for their order.

When their food arrives, Peter observes Tony take out a box of different coloured pills and swallow a couple of them dry. 

“I know, not sexy,” Tony remarks, noticing his look, “but sort of necessary if I want to keep this baby ticking.” He taps his hand over his chest with a wan smile. 

Peter grins half-heartedly in return, even while he can feel his insides clench. The comment reminds him of the time Tony’s heart actually did stop, of the battlefield with the dust of Thanos’ army still hanging in the air, of the utter helplessness he felt when Tony snapped, of― 

“Uhm, excuse me?” It’s the waitress again, her voice shy, cheeks blushing. She extends a piece of paper toward Tony. “Could I, uhm, could you, maybe give me an autograph for my sister? She’s a big fan. I mean, we all are, of course, but she’s got her room decorated with posters of you and all that…”

Tony looks her up and down with a raised eyebrow and a smirk playing around his lips. “What’s your sister’s name?” he asks finally, making a show of producing an integrated pen from his bionic arm. The waitress is visibly impressed, and Peter resists the temptation to roll his eyes―it’s far from the first time he’s seen this trick. If Tony was famous before, it’s nothing compared to the status he earned since dusting Thanos and saving the universe. 

Tony gives the waitress an easy smile along with the paper he passes back, and then turns back to Peter with a smirk. “Fangirls,” he whispers. “Gotta love ‘em. Did I tell you about the kid who offered me all of his allowance for a hoofprint from Gerald?”

*

Because Tony is Tony, it takes a long time before he has caught Peter up on anecdotes of Morgan, Happy, and Gerald’s newest misadventures, and by the time Peter gets back home, it is already late evening. His studio apartment is small and rather old, with walls that have turned grey over time and windows that don’t fully close anymore, but it’s got its own kitchen and bathroom, which is much better than a dorm room―especially since Peter wouldn’t know how to explain the odd hours he keeps or the regular blood stains in the shower to any of his fellow students. 

Peter’s head has been throbbing painfully for the better part of an hour, and the lights from the screen when he pulls out his laptop don’t make it any better. All his body seems to want is sleep, but if he’s going to spend the next two days upgrading his suit with Tony’s help, he really needs to get these chemistry readings finished. 

He tries for several hours, but the words don’t seem to want to stick in his mind and it takes longer than expected until he feels that he has understood the chapter. Peter drops into bed around 3:30 in the morning, too tired to even change out of his jeans, and falls asleep immediately.

*

Peter is woken up by someone knocking on his apartment door to the beat of “We Will Rock You”, and it’s all he can do to stifle a groan. He drags himself out of bed and over to the door.

“Finally,” Tony sighs when Peter lets him in, shoving a reusable thermal to-go cup in the kid’s face and causing him to flinch backwards. “I thought I’d have to actually start singing.” Then he gives Peter a once-over and his face falls. “What happened to you?”

“I think I’m sick,” Peter replies, realising it is true the same moment the words leave his mouth. His head is hurting even more than the night before and his throat feels raw and painful, but the worst is the utter weakness in his body and the chills running down his back that tell him he has a fever. 

“What kind of sick?” Tony asks suspiciously. To Peter’s surprise, instead of turning on his heel and leaving the surely germ-infested apartment, Tony steps over the threshold and raises a hand to cup to Peter’s forehead.

“Dunno.” Peter shrugs. “Just feel like garbage. Flu was going around the school last week―it’s probably that.”

“Aw, kid,” Tony sighs, something like compassion in his voice. “Yeah, you feel really warm.” 

“Sorry about the suit,” Peter says, moving back to sit down on his bed heavily. “I guess you can just go back to New York early then.” 

“What? You think I’m coldhearted enough to leave my former intern alone on his deathbed somewhere in the Virginian wilderness?” 

“Culver’s not that bad,” Peter defends. “And I’m not alone either.”

“So that means you have someone here to take care of you?” Tony raises a sceptical eyebrow.

Peter hesitates. “I… May’s a nurse,” he evades. “I can call her.” 

Truth is, there actually isn’t anybody. He hasn’t really made friends yet―at least certainly not the kind he would consider asking to take care of him while he’s down with the flu. He calls May twice a week, skypes with Ned—and occasionally still with MJ—on the weekends, and he’s friendly enough with his classmates when they’re working together in classes. But his downtime is mostly spent studying on his own and patrolling the city at night.

“Yeah, no, that’s not happening.” Tony looks him over appraisingly, then seems to make a decision and presses the cup of hot chocolate into Peter’s hand. “Guess I’ll stick around for a bit. Here, drink that.” 

“I don’t really feel like it.” Peter is definitely queasy, bordering on nauseous, and the thought of drinking something as rich as hot chocolate almost makes his stomach turn. He shifts on the bed so that he can lean against the headboard, feeling too tired to hold his body up without support.

“Well, you need to have something. Super metabolism and all that.” Tony strides over to the small, definitely not tidy kitchenette and starts opening cupboards, most of which are empty. He comes up with a few packets of shrimp-flavoured instant noodles and a box of Coco Puffs. “Really, kid?”

“I was gonna get groceries today,” Peter says defensively. 

“Yeah, I’m gonna do that now,” Tony states. “What do you say to buttered noodles? That’s all Morgan ever wants when she’s sick.” 

“Yeah, that’s...that’s fine,” Peter says, dumbfounded at the idea of Tony Stark going to the supermarket and making pasta for him. 

“Good. Glad that you agree, since that’s about as far as my cooking skills go.” He zips up his jacket and grabs Peter’s keys from the table. “Don’t do anything stupid till I’m back.” With that, he’s out of the door. 

Peter doesn’t feel like he’d be able to do anything stupid even if he wanted to. He can’t remember the last time he felt this bad, and with his Spider-Manning lifestyle, that really says something. He’s thirsty, but his throat hurts in a way that doesn’t make him want to swallow anything. There’s an ugly taste in his mouth and he really wants to brush his teeth, but the bathroom could just as well be a hundred miles away. 

If May were here, she would have set him up on the sofa with Star Trek: TOS playing on the TV while changing his sheets and airing out the room, he thinks. And suddenly the homesickness hits him like a train. He misses May. He misses New York and his friends and even the busy schedule that high school provided him with, but mostly he misses coming home to an apartment that’s not empty, having someone to eat breakfast with in the mornings and share his day with in the evenings over burnt teriyaki chicken. Just the thought of May’s disastrous cooking skills almost brings tears to his eyes. 

He stays like this for an indefinite amount of time, feeling miserable and blinking back tears, until Tony eventually returns. He sets down the shopping bag on the table and closes his eyes for a moment, rubbing the bridge between them with his fingers, the telltale sign that he has a headache. 

“You okay?” Peter asks hoarsely.

“Yeah. You live in a village, kid. Took forever to find a parking spot and then everyone and their mother wanted an autograph. Basically fought my way out of there. Might have to give my lawyer a heads up, actually.” 

Peter can’t even bring himself to force a laugh. A part of him wants to tell Tony to just go home already; the other part of him really, really doesn’t want to be alone right now. He sniffs hard and swallows to keep his nose from dripping.

“Hey,” Tony’s expression sobers as he sits down next to him on the mattress. “Did I miss something?”

“I just―” Peter rubs a sleeve over his watery eyes, feeling embarrassed. He thinks for an excuse and suddenly remembers the very real problems of college. “Ah, crap.” 

“Huh?” Tony asks.

“I have two tests next week,” Peter admits miserably. “I haven’t done anything for them yet―I was going to study this weekend in the evenings―”

“That’s fine, kid, we can deal with that. We saved the universe, remember? Schoolwork is nothing compared to Thanos, trust me.”

“I know,” Peter sniffs. Then, before he can stop himself, he blurts out, “I‘m just missing home.” 

“Ah,” Tony says. He lays his bionic hand on Peter’s shoulder and rubs it. “Yeah, that makes more sense.”

“I’m sorry,” Peter goes on, “I didn’t mean, I’m just―” 

“You’re just sick and tired and emotional,” Tony assesses, but there’s no judgement in his voice. “Come on.” He gestures for Peter to lie down and pulls the blanket up to his neck. “Go to sleep, kid.” His tone is almost soft. “I’ll be here.”

Peter falls into a feverish, exhausted sleep. He’s dimly aware of an icy cold gripping him and chills wracking his body, and then of Tony putting an extra blanket on him. At some point Tony offers food, but Peter’s too tired to even fully open his eyes. He mumbles something that he hopes Tony understands and turns over to the other side. 

The next time he fully surfaces, it’s from Tony gently shaking him awake. “Hey Pete, I know you’re tired, but you really need to eat something.” 

“Don’ wanna,” he mutters, pulling the covers up to his chin.

“Peter. Come on, kid.” 

He blinks himself awake. The apartment is dark now; it must be evening already. The faint smell of food lingers in the air. “D’ I sleep all day?” he asks, confused. 

“Almost. You can still catch Saturday Night Live.” 

“Hmm.” Peter sits up slowly. He feels woozy and weak and his head is still hurting, which is ridiculous considering how long he slept for. 

“Just let me check your temperature.” Tony takes off his smartwatch and presses it against Peter’s neck, just under his chin. The cold metal sends shivers down his spine. 

“102.6,” Tony reports. “Yeah, that’s not great. A pity that fever reducers don’t work on you.” Tony’s voice sounds rough. Peter squints up at him just as the man turns his head into his shoulder to cough. He looks tired—really tired—and, as far as Peter can make out in the dim light of the bedside lamp, his face is kind of flushed. 

“Are you okay?” Peter croaks. 

“Uhm...” For a moment it looks like Tony wants to lie, but then he falters. “Not really. Guess I caught the same bug you did.”

“Shit,” Peter says. This sucks big time. 

“I already texted May—she’ll probably be up here tomorrow. As soon as you’d had something to eat and drink, I’ll go back to the hotel and get out of your hair. You don’t need an old sick man around.”

“What? No!” Peter blurts before he can stop himself. He feels his breath speeding up, horrified at both the idea of Tony leaving him here alone, and of Tony being on his own in some hotel room feeling as miserable as Peter does now. “Please don’t go.”

Tony looks taken aback. “Pete, I don’t think I’m going to be much help soon.” 

“No, it’s not that, it’s just…” Peter feels himself blushing. “It’s nice not to be alone,” he admits in a small voice. 

Tony gives him a long look. “Okay, fine,” he agrees eventually. “But that means you have to listen to me. And the first rule is: eat your dinner, kid.”

They eat quietly. Tony is visibly making an effort not to let on just how bad he’s feeling, but Peter has learned to read the signs during his mentor’s long period of recovery from the snap. Tony is rubbing his shoulder whenever he thinks that Peter isn’t looking, which means that his prosthesis is hurting him. His shoulders are slumped, showing how tired he is, he’s nursing a headache, and then there is the fairly obvious sign of him hardly having eaten anything except for two spoons of pasta and his medication.

After dinner, Tony calls Pepper while Peter calls May. She gives him a run-down of the usual flu advice―“Stay hydrated, try and rest, and for god’s sake, don’t pile every blanket you own on yourself like that time you had strep, Peter—keep the curtains on the windows”—and promises to drive up tomorrow if she can get her shift covered. Then she asks to talk to Tony. Meanwhile, Peter uses the bathroom, brushes his teeth and changes into pyjamas. Observing himself in the mirror, he realises just how run-down he looks. He splashes some water on his face, which does nothing except make him shiver. 

“She asked whether you built that Lego ship she got you for your birthday,” Tony announces when Peter returns. 

“Oh.” Peter hasn’t, of course. He’s neither had the time nor the motivation to do so without Ned.

Tony makes a show of looking around the room. “This place is less personal than an airbnb. I told her there’s not even a poster on your wall.”

“So what?” Peter sighs. He feels the need to defend himself, but he’s too sick to come up with anything.  

Tony doesn’t press it, luckily. He borrows a pair of sweatpants, which end up being a bit short around his ankles and make it look like he’s outgrown them. It almost makes Peter smile. They pull out the sofa-sleeper that May insisted on him getting, but which he’s had no opportunity to use until now. When everything is set up, Peter is almost dizzy from being on his feet for so long. He’s both sweating and shivering and very glad to lie back down under the covers.

Tony turns on the TV, but neither of them is really paying attention. Peter is half asleep a few minutes into the news and Tony seems visibly uncomfortable, shifting around every few minutes on the couch. 

“Do you want to switch to the bed?” Peter asks him, secretly hoping for the answer to be no―he really doesn’t want to get up again. Tony shakes his head, lips pressed tightly together. Then he gets to his feet faster than Peter would have thought possible for someone in his condition and bolts to the bathroom. 

Peter hears nothing for a while. Then there’s a few weak coughs, followed by a retch and the sound of splashing. Peter cringes, his own stomach twisting in sympathy. The small size of the apartment and his enhanced hearing make it impossible to tune out the sounds as Tony continues to be sick into the toilet for the next ten minutes. When the retching tapers off, Peter shakily gets to his feet and fills a glass of water from the kitchenette. 

He knocks on the bathroom door, then leans heavily against the frame. “I got you some water,” he calls, hearing Tony’s ragged breathing inside. “Can I come in?”

“Just go to sleep, kid,” Tony croaks. 

“Yeah, sure,” Peter mumbles under his breath. After a few moments, he hears the sound of the flush and then the door opens. Tony is covered in sweat and looking about as bad as Peter feels, plus there’s a greenish tinge to his face. The smell of vomit wafts out and hits Peter’s nostrils, turning his own stomach. 

“Thanks, Pete,” Tony croaks says hoarsely and takes the water from his hand. His metal fingers feel cold against Peter’s burning skin when they brush the back of his hand. “Sorry you had to hear that.”

“‘S okay,” Peter mumbles. He suddenly has a hard time focusing on Tony. His head feels so heavy that he has to rest it against the doorframe as well. 

“Jeez, kid,” Tony comments. Then his face drains even more of colour and he presses his knuckles against his lips, swallowing thickly. “Go lie down, okay? I’ll be out in a bit.” With that, he turns and disappears back into the bathroom. 

For once, Peter listens to him, unsure whether he will be able to keep standing much longer anyway. After a moment of consideration, he curls up on the couch, leaving the softer bed for the older man. He drifts there for a while, trying to tune out the sounds of sickness coming from the bathroom. 

Eventually, he is dimly aware of someone entering the room and switching off the lights. There’s cold metal touching his neck as someone takes his temperature and tsks, then softly brushes back his hair and lays a cold washcloth on his forehead. It feels amazing against Peter’s burning skin.

“Thanks, May,” he mumbles.

*

Waking up feels like resurfacing after diving into a deep pool of water. Peter’s eyelids are sticky with sleep and his brain feels like it’s been through a potato masher. He’s disoriented, so it takes a bit until he realises that it was Tony’s voice that woke him. “Pete,” he hears him calling again weakly. Something about it shakes him out of his half-awake state. 

“Tony?” he asks, sitting up. There’s a rustling sound and a thump from the bathroom, confirming his worry. A quick glance at his phone on the bedside table tells him that it’s just after 4am. Definitely not the time to take a shower.

Peter’s head swims when he gets up from the couch. He takes a few unsteady steps towards the bathroom and then stops to lean against the wall until his vision clears and he can open the door.

Tony is on the ground next to the toilet, wrenched in between the bowl and the shower, looking about ten times worse than earlier. His face is almost grey except for the scars on his right cheek, which are flushed in an angry red. His dark eyes are glassy and deeply exhausted. Sweat sticks to his hair and t-shirt, the prosthesis off and one sleeve dangling empty. The smell of vomit hangs thickly in the air, much stronger than before.

Tony slowly lifts his head when Peter steps in. “Hey,” he croaks, attempting a smile and giving up somewhere halfway. “Sorry for waking you. ‘S just that I could use some help.”

“With what exactly?” 

“Getting up?” Tony asks sheepishly. “I tried and almost took down your shower curtain.”

Peter blinks. “Well, shit.”

“You said it, kid.” 

Peter extends a hand and Tony grabs it gratefully, allowing himself to be pulled to his feet. Peter closes the toilet lid and Tony sits down on it with a heavy sigh. He shudders convulsively, then closes his eyes and swallows rapidly a few times, as if trying to stop himself from being sick again. 

“How long have you been in here?” Peter asks while checking Tony’s temperature on his smart watch. He finds it to be at a worrying 103.6.

“Uhm,” Tony makes a vague gesture with his hand. “Midnight, maybe? Kinda lost track of time.” Peter frowns. “Sorry for waking you up, kid,” Tony says again, taking his expression the wrong way. “That’s kind of why I didn’t want to stay.”

“You should have called me earlier.” Peter fills a glass of water from the tap. “And yeah, really reassuring to think of you spending the night on the bathroom floor of your hotel because you can’t get up on your own.”

Tony mumbles something that sounds a lot like, “Not like I haven’t done that before.” When Peter hands him the glass, the man’s hands are trembling so much that half of the water spills out onto his shirt. 

“Shit,” Tony mutters. “All my spares are at the hotel.” 

“I can give you one of mine,” Peter offers. 

“Yeah, that... that would be great,” Tony says earnestly. Peter wonders whether he’s maybe a bit delirious. “This shit didn’t use to happen before the snap, you know.”

“Don’t worry,” Peter says, surprised at the admission. He fetches a clean sweatshirt from the dresser and hands it to the older man. His mentor’s whole body is shaking violently with chills. While Tony changes, Peter notices that the scar pattern around his shoulder stump is an angry red. It looks painful, but Tony doesn’t seem to care too much. 

Something twists within Peter. It reminds him too much of the time just after the snap when he saw Tony in the hospital, weak with fever from the infected limb.

“Ready for bed?” Peter asks, shaking the thoughts from his head.

“Yeah,” Tony says, although he doesn’t look too sure. Peter pulls him upright and almost staggers under the man’s weight and his own weakness. Tony doesn’t comment, and when Peter turns towards him, he sees that he is biting his lips, eyes largely unfocused. 

“This really hit you hard, huh?” Peter asks when they have made it to the bed, sitting down next to Tony. His mentor is bending forward, head in his hands, panting and shaking like he just finished a mission in the suit. That’s not the only thing, though. With his advanced hearing, Peter can pick up Tony’s heartbeat, which is slightly arrhythmic. 

“Tony?” he asks suspiciously. “What’s wrong with your heart?”

“Yeah, about that…” The other man raises his head, but avoids Peter’s gaze.

“What?” Peter can feel his own heart rate speeding up in worry.

“I, uh...remember my heart medication?” Tony says casually. “I threw up the last dose. It’s not dangerous, don’t worry,” he adds when Peter stares at him, alarmed, “Or, well, at least not yet. Just sort of increases the nausea and dizziness.”

“Can’t you take another dose?” he asks. 

“I don’t think I can keep anything down right now,” Tony admits. “But I’ll try in the morning.”

“Hmm.” This doesn’t really do anything to make Peter feel better. 

“Don’ worry, kid” Tony adds with a tired slur to his words, which only achieves the opposite. With a lot of effort, he pulls his legs up to the bed and then lies down under the blankets. “Let’s both sleep for a bit and things will look brighter in the morning.”

Peter gets himself a glass of water and then curls back up on the couch. He hears Tony’s breaths turn heavy and even out before long, but although he feels exhausted, he has a hard time going back to sleep. The sofa feels like rocks under his achy body, and he keeps turning around, unable to find a comfortable position. His head doesn’t fare any better. With his brain cloudy from fever, it’s even harder than usual to stave off the memories from the battlefield. 

His eyes finally fall shut and back he goes, right into the middle of dust and blood and death looming around every corner. He knows that there should be screams and shouts everywhere, but it’s silent, dead silent, except for the underlying thump-thump-thump of Tony’s heartbeat, becoming ever quieter. 

Peter rounds a heap of rubble and almost stumbles over Tony, who is lying on the ground, half his body eaten away by the radiation. The beating gets weaker even as Peter falls onto his knees and tears stream down his cheeks. He’s been here a hundred times, unable to save the man who saved him, and he knows exactly how this is going to end. 

A beat, almost indiscernible. A breath leaves Tony’s lips for the last time. 

Silence. 

*

He wakes to the feeling that everything in the world that possibly could be wrong, is wrong. His whole body is hot and he feels nauseous, almost as if he will throw up. Sick, he remembers. He’s sick. Tony’s― 

Peter forces himself to take a deep breath that comes out more like a choked sob. He sits up dizzily, and is surprised by the light streaming through the windows. His eyes immediately wander to Tony’s still form on the bed, covered by blankets. Peter can make out his slightly ragged breathing, but he’s way past the point where he would feel calmed by this. 

Unsteadily, he makes his way over to the bed and sits down on the floor next to it, shivering uncontrollably from the coldness of the tile, but not wanting to wake Tony up. He tries to calm himself, but his heart won’t stop racing. Everything feels kind of surreal and he can’t shake the image of Tony’s body on the ground, so still and lifeless. There are tears burning in his eyes. He shoves his knuckles in his mouth to keep himself from sobbing loudly. 

“Kid?” Tony’s groggy voice asks. “What ‘appened?”

“S-Sorry,” Peter manages. “G-Go back to sleep.”

“Hey.” Tony rubs his eyes and tries to push himself up, only partially succeeding. Looking at Peter, his face takes on an alarmed expression. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” Peter whispers, feeling infinitely stupid. “J-Just had a nightmare.” He bites his lip, but with the admission, a dam seems to break. He can feel his eyes overflowing. 

“Hey, kid, hey,” Tony says softly. “It’s alright.”

Peter just shakes his head, tears dripping down his cheeks onto the floor. Tony extends a trembling hand to wipe them away. “Do these nightmares happen often?” he asks.

“Sometimes,” Peter evades. He wonders why he doesn’t just tell the truth. That there’s rarely a night when he doesn’t go back to the battle against Thanos, or the dust on Titan, or even the Vulture in flames―an enemy that seems ridiculous now compared to the ones they’ve fought since, but sometimes still makes it into Peter’s dreams. 

“It’s gotten worse again, hasn’t it?” Tony asks. “Since you moved here.” His hand drops down to Peter’s shoulder and squeezes it lightly. 

“‘S okay,” he lies. “I’m fine. Jus’... just the fever.”

“Mmh-hmm, sure. Come here.” Tony nods his head towards himself, weakly lifting an arm, and Peter lets himself get pulled into the hug. “Woah, kid. You’re on fire.” 

“Hmm,” Peter mumbles. “You too.” 

It’s true; Tony’s body feels even hotter than his. The sweatshirt Peter had given him is already damp with sweat. And, most concerningly, his heart is still beating out of rhythm. It reminds Peter way too much of his dream for him to ignore it. 

“You need to have some water,” Tony says, ignorant to Peter’s thoughts. “And eat something. It’s been a while.”

Peter’s queasiness increases at the thought. “Stomach’s not feeling great,” he admits. “How are you doing?” he asks then, into the older man’s chest. “And don’t lie.” 

He feels Tony grimacing. “Like a clock someone forgot to wind up.” His remaining arm lets go of Peter as he brings it to his chest to massage the area around his heart. “But hey, don’t worry. I’m gonna try my pills and some water and then I’ll be back on my bullshit before you know it.” 

But he isn’t. Half an hour later, Peter has to support Tony to the toilet to once again throw up the medication and the few sips of water he’s just managed to get down. He stops trying to reassure Peter after the second bout of painful dry heaves wrack his body and doesn’t even resist when Peter wipes down his grey face with a wet cloth. On their way back, halfway across the bedroom, they almost lose balance when Tony’s legs suddenly give out. Peter just manages to stabilise him before they can faceplant all the way. 

“That’s it. You need to go to the ER,” Peter decides after all-but carrying Tony back to the bed and sitting him down. Peter’s own body feels heavy with exhaustion. Tony weakly shakes his head and opens his mouth to object. “Please, Tony.”

There must have been something in his voice that gave away his desperation because Tony shuts up mid-inhale. He gives Peter a deep look and then nods shakily. ”But only if you eat something first.”

“Okay.” He checks Tony’s temperature, which has climbed even higher, to 103.8. Peter’s own is hardly any better at 103.2, but at least he can still stand―kind of, he realises when he has to sit down to be able to concentrate on his phone screen long enough to call a cab. 

The walk to the kitchen feels like it’s a mile long. Peter surveys the meagre food choices and decides that cold pasta with salt looks like the best option. After the first few bites, his queasiness abides a bit and he manages to finish his small plate, suddenly realising how hungry he was. He drinks two glasses of water with it and finally feels a little less lightheaded. Then he goes to the bathroom and, on a whim, swallows a small handful of painkillers from the bottle of Advil Tony has sitting beside his pill box. They will hardly do anything for him, but hopefully they’ll keep him upright until they reach the hospital.

When Peter comes back, he expects Tony to be lying where he left him and is already wondering how he’s going to maneuver him down the stairs from the second floor with the man's balance shot and his own legs feeling like noodles. But Tony is sitting up and in the process of putting on his shoes. His determination, however, falters a bit when it comes to actually standing up. 

“Just go slow,” Peter directs, supporting Tony to the door and taking on most of the man’s weight. “One step at a time.”

They make it down the first staircase before Tony holds up a hand. “Just need a minute,” he exhales, sitting down with a sigh and leaning against the wall, his eyelids fluttering shut. His breathing is ragged. Peter looks at him worriedly, the unsteady thump of the man’s heartbeat loud in his ears. Tony, as if feeling the gaze, opens one eye to squint at him. “Not dead yet, kid. Come on, let’s get downstairs.” 

Maybe it’s the fact that the painkillers are wearing off faster than expected or that Peter’s anxiety is finally getting the better of him, but the cab ride is kind of a blur. He just remembers Tony sitting with his head tipped back and his eyes closed, looking deathly exhausted, and at some point grabbing the older man’s hand and holding on. 

Peter only lets go of it when he has to fill in the forms once they reach the hospital. The ER nurse takes one look at Tony’s scarred face and missing arm and then directs them to a private room. Peter’s hand is shaking so hard that Tony’s name on the form looks like a child’s scrawl. Behind him, his mentor is already being connected to a heart monitor, while another nurse is bringing an IV stand.

He hands the form to the elderly nurse and then has to steady himself against the wall when he stumbles a bit. 

Her brow furrows. “Are you alright?” she asks. 

“Y-Yes,” Peter answers quickly. 

“Bullshit. He’s got the flu too,” Tony mutters from the bed behind them. 

“I’m fine,” Peter insists, feeling his heart rate spike. They’ve done a great deal to keep his secret identity, well, secret while he’s at Culver, and he’s not about to let his powers be discovered just because of a flu bug. “Really, I’m okay. Not a big deal.”

“Honey, you can’t be here as a visitor if you’re sick,” the nurse says, her tone kind, but firm. “You’ll risk infecting the other patients.”

Peter looks up, taking a moment to understand the implications. “What? No, please don’t make me go!” 

The nurse eyes him critically, then sighs and relents. “If you’re going to stay, you’ll have to be inside this room at all times. I can’t have you walking around spreading germs.”

“That’s okay,” Peter agrees immediately. It’s not like he was planning to walk the halls anyway; his legs feel like they might go on strike any moment. When the nurse turns around to start working on Tony, Peter wobbles over to an uncomfortable chair in the corner and collapses into it.

He feels like the next time he takes an actual breath is once Tony is hooked up to painkillers, antiemetics, and something for his heart, the fluids dripping steadily into his arm through an IV and the heart monitor finally—finally—reverts back to a steady rhythm of beeps. Tony isn’t conscious anymore to notice; after spending the better part of the last 24 hours on Peter’s bathroom floor, his exhaustion has finally gotten the upper hand. He drifts off as soon as the meds start kicking in. 

Once the nurses leave, Peter drags his chair over next to the bed. Tony looks—there is no other way to describe it—frail. Like he might fall apart any minute if Peter stops watching. His fever is still much too high at 103.3 and he is sleeping fitfully, as if the dreams are haunting him as well. Peter can still see images from the nightmare in his mind. Not clear, but looming, like he might find himself on the battlefield any time he turns around. 

He doesn’t want to fall asleep, but he’s dead tired. Now with the adrenaline fading, it feels like his body weighs a thousand pounds. He suddenly doesn’t even feel able to keep his head up, and instead lets himself slump forward, crossing his arms and resting his head on top. His cold hands are a sharp contrast to his burning face. 

His mind feels oddly detached from his body, like he’s floating, and he has no idea how much time has passed when suddenly the nurse shakes him awake from where he’s slidden down onto the edge of Tony’s mattress. “Can you just move for a second, hon?” she asks gently. “I need to hook up some more fluids."

"Oh yeah, sure, of course..." Peter nods groggily and goes to stand up a little too quickly. The moment he is on his feet, he can practically feel the blood rushing away from his head, and a wave of darkness rolls over him. Peter grabs for something to hold on to but comes up empty. He feels himself sway into the nurse, who grabs his shoulders and just about manages to keep him from face planting on the hospital floor.

“You’re really warm, dear,” she observes after helping him sit back down on the chair. "You really can't be here if you're not a patient. Let me call someone to get you a bed."

“But I—” Peter feels panic swelling in his chest. He doesn’t want to leave Tony alone, especially when he can’t be sure that the man’s heart won’t stop again, but he can’t let anyone find out about Spider-Man either―

"Peter, it's fine,” he hears a thin voice. Tony, just woken up, is shifting wearily under the blanket, turning his head towards them. “They'll sign NDAs and no one will know. Just do what she says and get in the bed, alright?"

So Peter does. The nurse calls her colleague, who sets up a bed next to Tony’s and takes Peter’s vitals. After Peter groggily explains that fever reducers won’t do anything to bring down his 103.5 degree temperature, the nurse hooks him up to fluids to counteract the dehydration.

The world goes blurry again and he is half asleep when he sees Tony slip something into the elderly nurse’s hand on her way out the door.  

When she’s gone, Peter gives Tony a confused look. “You bribed her to let me stay in the room?” 

“What are you talking about?” Tony scoffs lightly. “I just asked nicely and told her you took part in saving the world―that was more than enough.” He shrugs a bit. “And I might’ve signed an autograph for her son.” 

Peter would have rolled his eyes if his head wasn’t hurting so much. “Still a bribe,” he mumbles.

“Go to sleep, kid,” Tony says warmly.

He closes his eyes but then opens them again to see Tony watching him. “You’ll be okay, right?” Peter asks. 

“Of course,” Tony replies. “I’m always okay.”

*

When Peter wakes up again in the early evening, it’s to May lightly stroking his curls out of his face. A tension he didn’t even know he was holding seems to fall off his shoulders.

“Hey, baby,” she says softly when he hugs her. “Rough weekend, huh?” 

It is decided that neither of them has to spend the night at the hospital―Tony has to fight to be discharged, but they eventually let him go after making him promise to rest, take his medicine, and tell May if his heart acts up again. In turn, Tony collects each of the staff members’ contact details to have his lawyers send NDAs later. 

The drive back to the flat is quiet. Tony attempts small talk for the first five minutes, but is still too out of it from the combined force of illness and drugs, and quickly gives up again. Peter is just relieved that May is there. 

Once they’re home, May makes both of them eat some toast and then ushers them off to bed. Peter feels like he hasn’t slept since he moved to Virginia, and maybe that’s true in a way. But now with Tony and May both there, he finally feels like it’s safe to let himself go. 

*

He wakes up to May opening the windows to let in the chilly morning air.

“C’n I have some water?” he mumbles. 

May hands him the glass. “Your fever has come down a bit overnight. Feeling any better?” she asks. 

“Hmm.” He’s still weary and headachey, but the chills are gone and the world seems much less frightening now. “How’s Tony?” he asks.

“Still asleep. We talked a little last night—he didn’t get much rest, I’m afraid. But you should wake him up and tell him it’s time for food and medicine.”

Peter sits up and is rewarded with a lack of dizziness. He goes to the toilet and washes his face before trudging over to the bed and sitting down carefully on the mattress next to his mentor’s sleeping form. Tony’s eyes are moving rapidly behind his closed eyelids as if he’s in the middle of a dream. His hair is a greasy mess, the scars as red and angry as before and his cheeks still flushed with fever, but the rest of his face isn’t as pale as it was the previous day, and, when he listens carefully, Peter can make out his regular heartbeat.

“Tony?” Peter whispers, gently touching his flesh shoulder. 

Tony grunts and rolls himself over. “Pep?” he asks in a muffled voice. 

“Not exactly.” Tony blinks awake and squints up at Peter. “How are you feeling?”

“Ugh…I want my hospital drugs back,” Tony half-jokes. “But not on the verge of cardiac failure anymore, so that’s a plus.”

“Hmm.” Peter reaches for his hand to check the smart watch. “Your temperature’s down.” Tony’s is at 101.5, whereas Peter’s is at 100.7. Tony gives first the numbers and then Peter a critical once-over before closing his eyes again. 

“Don’t go back to sleep,” Peter warns. “May said you need to take your medicine and eat something.”

Tony groans audibly. “Nurses never let you have any fun...” 

*

The first time they met, Peter wasn’t sure what to make of Tony Stark. 

Times have changed, Peter thinks, as he surveys the scene in his apartment. 

After a painfully slow shuffle to the bathroom and back, Tony decides that he doesn’t feel up to walking around just yet, so they all eat breakfast in bed, assembled on various pillows and blankets, while Star Trek plays on the TV in the background. With his appetite returning and worries temporarily lifted, Peter devours two pieces of toast with chocolate spread and a glass of orange juice while Tony sticks to saltines, tea, and the pills he swallows under May’s watchful eye. 

When they’re done, May announces that she’s heading out for groceries. “No crime-fighting until I’m back,” she orders with a smile. “And I want each of you to finish the water bottles on the table.”

“Aye, aye, captain,” Tony salutes sarcastically. The moment May shuts the door, he sets down his half-finished cup of tea and slumps visibly into his pillows. 

“You alright?” Peter asks immediately. 

“Jeez, kid, you’re worse than Morgan,” Tony comments, not without affection. “I know last night was scary for you, but honestly, this is not even in my top 20 for life-threatening events I’ve experienced in the last few decades.”

“Is this supposed to make me feel better?” Peter retorts. “Because it really doesn’t.”

He must have come across less playful than intended, because Tony’s expression sobers. He regards Peter with the deep look that always gives him the feeling of being x-rayed. 

“I know,” Tony says. “But that’s kind of the point. I’ve been through so much shit in my life that I know pretty much exactly how you feel.” 

He drags himself a bit more upright and lays a warm hand on Peter’s forearm. “I know how it is when your thoughts circle back to the same moment over and over again and the nightmares won’t let you rest. I know how easy it is to isolate yourself because the memories are eating you up and you feel like nobody can help you.”

He pauses for a moment and rubs a hand over his forehead. Peter remembers the darkness on Tony’s face the first time they met and wonders whether that’s what Tony sees on his now. 

“What I’m trying to say is,” Tony continues, “you don’t have to pretend to be fine if you’re not. At least not in front of me or May.” 

The irony of it almost makes Peter smile, despite the lump forming in his throat. Tony just spent the last 36 hours trying to downplay the pain he was in. “You are one to talk,” he remarks.

Tony chuckles quietly. “Still learning, kid.” He picks up his tea cup and takes another sip before continuing in a softer voice. “Just trust me, it‘s okay to be a little broken, even when you’re not sick. And you don’t have to hide it. I know what loneliness looks like. I’ve been through all of it and it took me years to understand that the only thing that can help is to let other people in―the right kind of people.”

The thoughts are running a marathon in Peter’s head and he’s dimly aware that he’s trembling. He swallows hard before speaking. “It’s just… sometimes I don’t even want to remember. It’s just so hard to start talking. About”―he takes a deep breath―“the battle. And the dreams. And everything else.”

“Yeah, it is. I never said it would be easy.” Tony seems to hesitate for a moment, but then he pulls Peter toward him one-handedly so that they can lie side by side. He covers both of them with his blanket. Peter turns his head into Tony’s shoulder and closes his eyes, taking deep breaths. “And we don’t have to start today. But I’ll be there whenever you’re ready.”

________________

If you liked this, you might also enjoy my other post-Endgame fic (in which Tony is obviously still alive): What We Lose in the Fire We Gain in the Flood

All my fics

Taglist: @toomuchtoread33  @yepokokfine

[thestarsaroundyourscars]

Whisper

For the weekly reddie prompt by @fyeahreddie

Rating: Teen and Up

Word count: 2,954

Located in AO3

“I told you, Ma, I don’t want to go!” Eddie tells his mother as determined as possible.

“Eddie bear, you’re going and that’s final.”

“But Ma, it’s almost half the summer! I won’t be able to see my friends!”

Sonia grimaces, “It will do you good to spend some time away from them.”

Eddie rolls his eyes, taking a deep breath, somehow all of their arguments always end up being about his choice of friends.

“They’re my friends. You can’t make me stop seeing them.”

“Unfortunately, no. But I can take you with me to visit your aunt and keep you away from them for the summer.  And that’s exactly what I’m going to do,” his mom says, done with the argument.

But Eddie isn’t done. He stands up straight and glares at his mother. Then, with as much resolve as he can muster, he says, “No, I won’t.”

Mrs. Kaspbrak turns to face him, scandalized.

“What did you just say?”

“I said I won’t go with you. I’m sixteen, I can take care of myself for a couple of weeks while you’re away. You can go visit your sister, but I’m not going.”

Eddie watches as his mother’s face turns a deep shade of red and her eyes grow so wide they look like they might pop out. She is holding on to the kitchen table so tight that her knuckles turn white.

Eddie prepares for the inevitable yelling coming his way. Instead, his mother answers in a calm collected voice, which is honestly far more frightening.

“You either come with me this summer or next year, we’re moving to Haven with your aunt Sylvia. See how you and your friends like that.”

The color drains from Eddie’s face, “Y-y-you wouldn’t.” God, he sounds just like Bill. “You hate her, you wouldn’t want to live with her, you’re always complaining about her when we visit, you―”

“It doesn’t matter,” she says, waving him off, “She is growing old and sick and she needs help. We must help those in need, Eddie bear. Besides, if it means finally dragging you away from those vandals you call friends, who have turn you into such a rebellious teenager, you better believe I would.”

Eddie gawks at her in disbelief, he can feel his eyes sting with tears but he refuses to cry in front of his mother. He hasn’t in a long time and he isn’t going to start now.

“That’s not fair,” Eddie says and he hates how his voice cracks, showing his mother just how affected he is.

“Life is as fair as it is safe, Edward,” Sonia says. Then, knowing she won the argument, she turns her back on his son and leaves the kitchen.

Eddie thinks of following her and fighting with her some more, but he knows it’s pointless. He is going with her and there is nothing he can do about it.

The thought of not seeing his friends for five weeks brings back the urge to cry, his throat tightens and his vision turns blurry. He flees to his room and forcefully slams the door shut, knowing his mother will hear it and it will make her angry. Good, he thinks, if I am angry, she should be too.

As soon as he is in his room, he can’t hold back the tears anymore. He throws himself into his bed and starts crying, gripping the pillow tight and occasionally hitting the mattress in anger.

He falls asleep at some point because he wakes up hours later, when there’s no longer sunlight shining through the window. He feels tired and his eyes are swollen from crying.

He hears his mother knocking on his door, which must be what woke him up in the first place.

The thought of his mother brings Eddie’s anger back to the surface and he glares at the door.

“Eddie bear? Dinner’s ready, come eat with me,” she tells him, sweetly as if she hadn’t crushed his summer plans less than a few hours ago.

Eddie doesn’t answer, not only does he not want to talk to her at all, he also knows his voice will come out hoarse and cracked if he does and she will know he had been crying.

“I know you’re not asleep, Eddie,” she says, growing angry, but Eddie doesn’t answer, “Fine, if you want to stay in there and skip dinner, do it but at least start packing, we leave on Monday.”

Eddie groans into the pillow, not caring if his mom hears him or not.

He feels his eyes prickle with tears again but he is done crying, it only makes him feel worse. He needs something to cheer him up, take his mind off of his mother and the summer that awaits him.

As quietly as possible he pads over to his desk where a landline phone is. He dials a phone number that he knows by heart and waits.

Three rings later, he hears someone pick up.

“Casa de Tozier, Richie speaking.”

Eddie lets out a sigh of relief when Richie is the one who answers.

“Richie?” Eddie whispers. He wouldn’t be surprised if his mother was listening from the other side of the door and even if she wasn’t, his room is so close to the kitchen that she might hear him if he raises his voice over a whisper.

“Eddie Spaghetti, hey!” Richie says, excited. Then he lowers his voice, “why are we whispering?”

“My mom doesn’t know I’m calling you and I don’t want her to hear me,” Eddie says and he cringes at how hoarse his voice sounds. He hopes Richie doesn’t notice.

But he is not that lucky.

Richie frowns, “Is everything okay, Eds?” he asks, his usual mocking tone gone, replaced by sincere concern.

“Of course, everything is great,” Eddie says, without a trace of excitement in his voice.

Richie scoffs, “Right. I can tell that you’ve been crying and you didn’t even give me shit for calling you Eddie Spaghetti. Forgive me if I don’t buy it.”

“I’m fine, Rich, really.” Eddie tries to make his voice as normal as possible, but he knows it’s pointless. Richie knows him like the back of his hand.

“Bullshit, Eds.”

Eddie sighs, “I don’t want to talk about it.” If he did, he would start crying again and that’s the opposite of why he called Richie in the first place.

Richie sighs in frustration, “Then what? What do you want me to do, Eds?”

That, Eddie does know how to answer. “Cheer me up, tell me the best joke you’ve got.”

Is clear Richie wants to argue, but instead he says, “All my jokes are amazing, Eds. How am I supposed to choose? Do you want a dirty joke? A silly joke? A your-mom joke?”

“Not a your-mom joke, please. I don’t want to think about her.”

“Ah, so that’s who’s got you so upset. Can’t say I’m surprised.”

“Rich.”

“Okay, sorry. So dirty joke or not?”

“No dirty jokes, please.”

“Prude. Alright, I got it,” Richie clears his throat, “What goes in hard and dry but comes out soft and wet?”

Eddie rolls his eyes, “Richie, I said―”

“Chewing gum! Ha-ha!” Richie exclaims and Eddie can perfectly picture him and his silly grin on the other end of the line.  

He surprises himself by letting out a chuckle, his hand flies to his mouth in an attempt to keep quiet, worried that his mother will hear him. He grabs the phone and moves to the bed, away from the door.

“That’s your best joke?”

“Hey, it made you laugh!” Richie says, offended.

Eddie snorts, “Because of how bad it was.”

“Uh huh, keep telling yourself that. I’m fucking hilarious, Eds.”

“Prove it.”

“Oh, is that a challenge, Eddie my love?”

Eddie chokes on his spit and blushes, just like he always does when Richie calls him that. Not trusting his voice, he hums in response.

Richie clears his throat once again, “The other day the police arrested two kids, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks,” he pauses for dramatic effect, “They charged one – and let the other one off.”

This time Eddie can’t help laughing, he grabs a pillow and burrows his face in it to smother the sound of his laughter. He is still holding the phone to his ear and he is sure Richie can hear him laughing into the pillow, he knows there's probably a self-satisfied smile on his face.

Without giving Eddie a chance to recover, Richie asks, “What is a cannibal’s first choice in a restaurant?” Again, he pauses before delivering the punch line, “The waiter.”

Stupid jokes or not, they have Eddie lying on his side, face pressed against his pillow, crying for the second time that day, this time of laughter.

Richie is really enjoying hearing Eddie laugh like this, especially after hearing the sadness in his friend’s voice when he first called.

“Where do you get virgin wool from?” Richie says, “Ugly sheep!”

By now, Eddie is convulsing with laughter and having trouble breathing.  

“Richie―oh God, please stop,” Eddie says, gasping for air, “My stomach hurts.”

But Richie is having too much of a good time to stop, “Sorry what was that, Eds, one more joke? Sure thang, mah man. What’s black, red, black, red, black, red?”

“Richie no―” Eddie warns him.

But Richie ignores him, “A zebra with a sunburn!”

Eddie continues laughing until his laughter is reduced to giggles. Richie finds that the sound of Eds giggling is just as adorable through the phone as it is in person.

“Beep beep, Richie,” Eddie says, wiping the tears from his eyes.

“But Eds, hearing you laugh is like hearing angels sing. How can you deprive me of that?”

“You’re going to give me an asthma attack, you idiot.”

Richie seems to consider it, he sighs, “Fine.”

“Thank you, Rich.”

“I’m only stopping because I’m not there to shove a fucking inhaler into your mouth.”

Eddie chuckles, “Okay. But that’s not what I was thanking you for.”

“For what then, Eds?”

“Taking my mind off of things, making me laugh, even though I know it pissed you off that I didn’t tell you what was wrong,” Eddie says, staring at the ceiling and playing with the phone’s cord.

“It didn’t piss me off, I just― I was worried, I still am.”

Eddie doesn’t answer for a long time, his breathing the only sign that he’s still on the line. Richie doesn’t say anything either, but Eddie can hear movement through the phone, he is probably walking around his living room, incapable of sitting still.

Eddie hadn’t meant to worry him, he had called Richie because he was the best at making Eddie laugh and he had needed someone to cheer him up, but now that he had made him worry, he felt bad, it wasn’t fair for him.

“My mom is forcing me to go with her to my aunt’s house in Haven this summer.”

The shuffling stops and he hears Richie groan, “For how long?”

“Five weeks.”

Richie gasps, “Five weeks? Shit Eds, that’s like―”

“Half the summer? Yeah.”

“And there’s absolutely no way she’ll let you stay here? Or come back early?” Richie asks, hopeful.

“None, I tried. I told her I wasn’t going, that I was old enough to stay home alone and that she couldn’t make me go.”

Richie chuckles, “That’s my boy.”

Eddie feels his stomach flutter at that. He clears his throat and continues, “She said that if I didn’t go with her, she would move us in permanently with her next year.”

“What the fuck? She can’t do that!” Richie exclaims, outraged.  Eddie hears the sound of a chair falling, Richie must have stood up abruptly, making the chair fall.

“She can. She’s my mother.”

“Well, I’d like to see her try. I’ll fight her if she does. You fucking bet I will.”

Eddie snorts, “You’ll fight my mom?”

“Uh huh.”

“I thought you loved her,” Eddie says with a chuckle.

“Yeah well, I love you more,” Richie says. He hears Eddie gasp and he realizes what he just said, “I mean, uh, you’re― I wouldn’t let her drag you away from me. Us. Your friends I mean,” he stammers, nervous.

Eddie smiles at his ceiling, “Richie?”

“Uh, yeah?”

“I love you too,” Eddie says, grateful that Richie can’t see the way he’s blushing or the dopey smile on his face, “but please don’t fight my mom. She would crush you and still move us away.”

“Wow, you think that little of me, Eds?”

Eddie chuckles, “I’ve seen you fight, Rich. It’s pathetic.”

Richie huffs, “So what? I’m just supposed to sit and watch while she moves you away?”

“Hopefully, it won’t come to that. After all, she’s getting what she wants, which is to ruin my summer by not letting me spend it with you.”

Richie sighs, “This fucking sucks.”

Eddie lets out a humorless laugh, “Fucking tell me about it. I’m going to miss you so much, all of you.”

“But mostly me, eh?” Richie jokes.

“I mean, I’ll kill you if you tell the others but, yeah, mostly you and your ugly face and big mouth.”

He can hear the shit-eating grin on Richie’s voice, “You love this face, Eds. As for this big mouth, you should know it has its advantages.”

“Beep beep, asshole.” Eddie says, shaking his head. Richie lets out a chuckle. “Promise me you won’t have too much fun while I’m gone.”

Richie snorts, “As if. I will― I mean, we will probably be miserable.”

“Not as miserable as me, I bet―” He hears movement in the kitchen and he snaps his mouth shut, worried that his mother heard him and it’s coming to his room to take the phone away from him.

“Eds?”

Eddie shushes him and waits but his mother never comes barging into his room.

He sighs in relief, “Sorry, I thought my mom heard us,” he whispers.

“So, when are you leaving?”

“Monday.”

Alarmed, Richie exclaims, “Monday? But that’s one day away!”

“I know.”

Richie groans, “That’s it. You’re coming over tomorrow.”

Eddie frowns, “If your plan is to hide me and hope my mom just leaves me behind, you should know she would burn your house down before doing that.”

“Well shit, there goes my plan!” Richie replies, making Eddie chuckle. “No, but seriously, you’re coming over.”

“Why?” Eddie asks, confused.

“Because, my dearest Eddie, if I’m not going to see you for five weeks I should at least get to say goodbye properly.”

“I can’t come over tomorrow, Rich.”

“What? Why?”

“Because we’re all going to the quarry, remember? Bill told us yesterday.”

“Shit, yeah, I forgot.” Richie says, upset.

“You can say goodbye to me there. You all can.”

“Uh huh.”

Eddie frowns at Richie’s tone, “What’s wrong?”

“It’s just that the moment everyone knows you’re leaving they will be all over you and, I uh, I kind of wanted it to be just us, you know. It’s silly, I know and fucking selfish.”

“It’s not,” Eddie says, quietly, “You can come over later tonight. If you want.”

Richie lit up at that, “Really?”

“Yeah, you might need to climb through the window though, and we need to be quiet, if my mom finds out, she’ll kill you.”

“No problemo, Spaghetti-o. I was in the mood for climbing a tree anyways.”

Eddie chuckles, “Try to be quiet though, she almost caught you last time.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Eds, I’m stealthy like a ninja.”

Eddie snorts, “So stealthy that you tripped on your way in and brought my desk chair down with you.”

“That desk chair shouldn’t have gotten in my way.”

Eddie shakes his head, “It wasn’t the chair’s fault. You’re just clumsy.”

“I am not!” When he hears Eddie huff, he adds, “Okay, maybe a little.”

Eddie chuckles, “I’ll see you soon, you idiot.”

“Don’t forget to leave your window open.”

“Don’t worry,” Eddie says, preparing to hang up. But before he does, he adds, “Hey Rich?”

“Yeah, Eds?”

“Thanks again, you always know how to make me feel better.”

“You don’t have to thank me. There’s nothing I enjoy doing more, Eddie Spaghetti.”

Eddie smiles, “Don’t call me that.”

Richie laughs, “Now there’s the Eds I know and love.”

Eddie giggles and he feels like a high school girl with a crush, lying in bed, twirling the phone’s cord around his finger and giggling at Richie’s flirting. He needs to pull himself together by the time Richie shows up because then he won’t be able to hide his blush behind a phone. That doesn't keep him from wanting Richie to get there though.

“Bye, Richie,” Eddie whispers, a smile on his face before hanging up the phone.

He hears his mother leave the kitchen then, probably going to her room to sleep. Eddie can’t help being glad, he might have been able to keep quiet while on the phone with his friend, but Richie himself is incapable of being quiet.  

Eddie opens the window and goes to lie on his bed to wait for Richie to get there. He thinks it’s crazy how less than an hour ago he had been feeling terrible and now he’s in a great mood, all thanks to him.

Sure he’s still angry at his mother and hates the idea of spending his summer away from his friends, away from Richie but he thinks that maybe this is the way he will make it through, without being completely miserable, exchanging whispered phone conversations with the only person who can make it all better for him, one Richie Tozier.

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[ramblings-of-a-young-misfit]

Living For Eternity

Today I was listening to my favorite song by one of my all time favorite bands. The song is called “Flight” by the band Lifehouse. There’s a line in the song that, in my mind, paints a beautiful picture of what Heaven will be like. The line goes like this:

“No more running, no more hiding No more hurting, no more crying No more trouble, no more sighing No more falling, no more striving No more heartache, no more fighting No more fears, only flying“

Now, granted, we won’t literally be flying around with wings like the kind of wings angels are commonly depicted having. (*Spoiler alert* only certain angels and heavenly beings are actually depicted having wings in the Bible. Never are humans who have died and gone to Heaven depicted having wings. But that’s another topic for another time.) But I love the picture the lead singer, Jason Wade, paints of the freedom we experience being in the presence of God. The presence of God removes the weight of every earthly burden that it feels like flying.

Now, try to imagine Heaven and every burden the presence of God frees us from! Just try to imagine the grandness of it all! To really give you a good idea of what it looks like, let’s look through a passage of scripture in Revelation that describes certain aspects of Heaven and use it to paint the best picture of Heaven that we can.

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

Revelation 21:4 (ESV)

“Death shall be no more…”

In Heaven, death no longer exists! You and everyone else who enter into the presence of God are freed from the power of death and get to live forever and evermore! In Heaven, we will be given new bodies that know not death or decay; bodies that never age, never tire, never hunger, never thirst, and never break down over time; bodies that are in perfect condition and stay in perfect condition for eternity! And let me tell you, eternity is a REALLY long time! Imagine being able to do adventurous things and not have to worry about the risk of you or anyone else dying, because in Heaven, there is no risk! Death no longer exist! You don’t have to worry about a terrorist, serial killer, or run of the mill murderer killing you, because

1) People like that wouldn’t be there.

2) You’d be unkillable.

Nor would you have to worry about being hunted by wild animals, for animals, much like us, will never hunger and will therefore feel no need or desire to hunt and kill to eat. We, and every animal in Heaven, will live in peace and harmony with one another. Lions will dwell with lambs, sharks will swim with seals, wolves will bond with rabbits, eagles will get along with snakes, bears will play with deer, crocodiles will be at peace with zebras. Imagine befriending any animal without worrying about whether it will try to attack or kill you. I mean who hasn’t dreamt of how awesome it’d be to hug a bear, sleep next to a Bengal tiger or ride a great white shark and not be killed by them? I mean seriously, how cool would that be?! I’d totally want to make like Kevin Richardson and befriend a pack of lions in Heaven!

“Neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore…”

Picture this. No pain, sickness, or infirmities. None, nada, never! Imagine a world where the worst and most deadly infirmities like AIDS, cancer, and Lou Gehrig’s disease to small and insignificant discomforts like cuts, scrapes, and bruises don’t exist! Wouldn’t it be great to no longer experience colds, flus, infections, pneumonia, asthma, allergies, intolerances? How wonderful would it be to be able to run and exercise and not experience any fatigue or muscle cramps? And ladies, this also means you will no longer experience menstrual cramping and bleeding every month. Our bodies will be made new and will no longer know pain and infirmity. And this isn’t just limited to physical illnesses, this includes mental, emotional, and psychological illnesses too! No autism, no schizophrenia, no dementia, no bipolar disorder, no PTSD, no anxiety, depression, or AD(H)D! There will be no more grieving or crying, for fear pain, tragedy, and heartbreak will cease to exist! Our hearts, minds, and bodies will be at peace in the presence of God.

The funny thing is, many believe that when we arrive in Heaven, we will have eternal rest and no longer work, however, we will work. But since our new bodies will no longer fatigue, it will not be burdensome. We won’t be working to earn a wage either, since we will already have all our needs provided for. And since there is eternal peace, love, and harmony among every man, woman, child, and beast, we no longer have to worry about work conflict. It will be all the benefits and none of the burdens. Work will be enjoyable in Heaven. We won’t work because we have to. We will work because we get to!

“For the former things have passed away.”

Along with sadness, fear, pain, sickness, and death, other things of this world will fade away as well. There will no longer be conflict and war, for all of Heaven will be at peace. There will no longer be political strife, for we wouldn’t be living under the rule of any flawed human leader, we will be living under the rule of God, and no man is going to protest and riot against the King who created him and is the source of his peace, love, and joy. No woman is going to put into question the integrity and authority of the God that created all good things and meets every single one of her needs. He has all the power and authority, but none of the flaws or corruption! He is the perfect Lord and King! We will no longer experience any wrong-doing done against us, for all evil, corruption, and sin will cease in the presence of God. No one will have the desire to commit any sin against another. No war, no genocide, no hatred, no indifference, no treachery, no murder, no theft, no adultery, no abuse, no neglect, no lies… None! All who enter God’s presence are made righteous and are no longer be lead astray by the lies of the enemy (Satan), for the he will forever be defeated and destroyed… Gone! The earth will no longer be cursed. The soil will once again be soft and fruitful. Gardening will always be abundant and bountiful. Plants will never rot. Destructive natural disasters will cease to exist. The earth will not crack, the winds will not destroy, the clouds will not thunder, the rains will not flood, the snow will not bury.

The great truth of it all is that rather than doing all these terrible things listed above, all of creation will instead be praising God. Along with mankind, angels, animals, plants, rocks, and rivers will be bringing glory and honor to God! The streets will be paved with gold, the city structures decorated with precious stones, the gates made of pearl, the fields and trees green as emeralds, the waters shine like diamonds, the skies lit with the glorious radiance of God! There will be no night or day, no sun or moon, no need for lamps or lights, for God will be the source of light. Saints and angels will forever sing “ Glory, Glory, Glory to the Lord God Almighty! Who was, and is, and is to come!” and why wouldn’t they?! I’d imagine we’d all be giving our utmost praise to God the moment we get to marvel at His glory and splendor! I mean, if God’s presence alone is this amazing, just try to think of how amazing God is! We couldn’t even wrap our heads around the great majesty of God! No word I write would do Him justice! His glory is beyond measure! His splendor is off the charts! He is eternal, everlasting, ever present, ever faithful, ever loving, all powerful, all knowing, the Creator and Source of every good thing, like constellations, sunsets, oceans, mountains, canyons, blue whales, redwood trees, and fields of vibrant wildflowers! He is the Great Mathematician that designed galaxies, seashells, lotuses, and pineapples. The Lord over gravity, inertia, physics, chemistry, thermodynamics, and quantum mechanics! How could you stand in the presence of such a wonderful God and NOT bring all glory, honor, and praise to Him?!

I’ve seen quite a few churches, pastors, and church-goers try to get people to turn to Jesus by warning them of the consequences of an eternity in Hell. But I want to do the opposite and point people to Jesus by sharing with them the rewards of an eternity in Heaven. I mean, if you had absolute assurance of the glory of God and his presence, you’d immediately lay down your life for Him and give up everything to follow Him! Granted, talking about Heaven or Hell alone will not guarantee my success in pointing others to Christ. No amount of warning, convincing, pleading, or preaching will promise results. You alone have to make the choice to serve and follow God. The only thing that can get between you and God is yourself, and it’s up to you to release your pride and sin and surrender to God to make you righteous and clean. I encourage you, let go of everything that holds you back from God; from every earthly treasure to every worldly pleasure, everything must be placed at the altar.

But it’s worth it! 

Heaven is better!

GOD IS BETTER!