#I mean I’m going home in like a month

[heylittleriotact]

I have never been more emotionally catapulted by a video game than I am from hugging a vampire. This is ridiculous.

#baldur's gate 3 #bg3 #bg3 astarion #astarion #astarion ancunin #usually my trauma gets projected onto my PC but larian was like guess what we have for you! #I remember *exactly* how it felt when I realized that this person genuinely gives a shit about me and wants me to be happy #oh I’m not just a feather in your cap? that’s so nice. #what? you mean my own desires and autonomy matter and you’ll actively encourage me to draw boundaries and say no to things? #you mean you’re not going to get upset and pouty because I’ve been sex averse for like a month and you’re not getting laid because of it? #I’m sorry - you’re just going to hug me and tell me not to worry about it and you’re not going anywhere? #I fucking married that person #im going to give him the biggest hug when I get home 🥲

[random0lover]

Found out today that almost everyone at work is talking shit about me lol

Y’all wanna know why? Cause they don’t fucking like my dad 💀

(Rant in tags)

#my dad has been working here longer than I have- like a year and almost 2 months and when he started working here there was shit tons of #favoritism and only the people they liked could do the ‘extra’ jobs that are way easier and more enjoyable and he wanted to change that caus #that shit isn’t fair y’know anyways shit got changed and they all don’t like him for it even though the regular employees were more happy #cause they now have a fair opportunity to do different jobs #but my favorite part is I don’t do shit wrong they just don’t like me because of my dad 🤡 #like make that make sense 🤦🏻‍♀️ I’m always nice to people even the ones that are rude-I don’t really talk to people and keep to myself #so like how are they talking shit? probably about how I look and probably about how much I keep to myself #I fucking hate people sometimes istg #like fuck all this- I come to work to make money and go home… we’re not in high school where there’s a bunch of little clicks #there shouldn’t be a fucking mean girl group at work 🤦🏻‍♀️ #anyways sorry for the rant #random0lover rambling ♡

[wlwgang]

Ugh

#gf is maddd at me like sorry I just like do not have the energy to drive across the entire fucking metro area to sit on your bed for 2 hours #before I need to go home and do laundry and get all my shit together and get up at 4:30 in the morning but by all means give me attitude ! #like yes we’ve only ‘hung out like once this month’ do you remember the part where you HAD COVID #ugh #going to therapy on Wednesday 🙃 #worst part is I haven’t posted my arctic monkeys pics yet like hang on #think we’ll be done by Halloween if we can’t work this out lol like I need to communicate it first obviously but yeah atp I’m over it #personal #mine

[dykefever]

how am i supposed to find a place to live.. when i am so sleepy 😔

#i’m not sure i’ve got it in me boys and also i have to. find a job #i’m exhausted! also why are people so particular and weird in their requirements for flatmate #feeling pretty home sick now for the first time in my trip n would like a hug. from my mum #but i mean four months of solo travelling and only just getting home sick is pretty good but yeah it doesn’t help i’ve had two quite major #bad things happen while i’ve been over here within a month of each other #anyway tomorrow i’m going to fully assess what i should do today im sleeping i’m a lil hungover #i think i need 2 talk to my brother n friends n stuff #laura says some things #sorry ignore me feeling sorry for myself in the tags xxx obviously i am very lucky to even like. have this problem that i have the option #to move overseas etc

[seilon]

just wrote like three paragraphs ranting about my living situation and deleted it just know I am going insane and i hate it here and I need to live by my fucking self or I am going to absolutely fucking lose it

#I can not stand cleaning up shit for people anymore I can’t stand people taking my stuff or messing up shit I clean or organize or whatever #I hate feeling pressured to stay in my room constantly because she almost never fucking leaves and the entire living room/kitchen area is #apparently her fucking home office now. so there’s just nowhere else to go where I’m not forced to interact with her #not to mention how I cleaned out that entire area EXTENSIVELY only a couple months ago and now all of that work is just gone #she re-cluttered it and now it’s a nightmare again :) #and she’s out there in the first place because she clutters her room and desk in her room to such an extent that it’s basically unusable #at least when I had a shitty roommate her mess was confined to one side of a bedroom more or less #and there was a living room/kitchen that wasn’t a fucking nightmare that I could generally control the tidiness of #I can’t fucking live like this I can’t keep cleaning and cleaning and cleaning and throwing away shit and organizing shit and whatever #just to have it all be for NOTHING every fucking time because she takes more shit out and doesnt put it away and buys more shit #that we can’t fucking afford and don’t immediately need and hahaggsgsgshsshshhhshshshshssh #I can’t fucking do it! I really can’t keep doing this it makes me violently angry and one of these days I’m going to snap and break my door #or something #I didn’t even want to move back in here to begin with this was supposed to be temporary. as in only for a couple months #but all my job applications fail and I have no other form of income or support so. haha I’m stuck here #i won’t even get started on just #not wanting to live with her for a million other reasons #I need to get the fuck out of here I do not want to be responsible for cleaning up her messes and doing whatever she says without choice #cause I mean. that’s another thing. At least my roommate couldn’t force me to do whatever she wanted with any resistance being seen as #criminally disrespectful and depending on her wildly unpredictable mood maybe she’ll verbally abuse me or degrade me or accuse me of things #who knows! #also won’t get into the fact that I’m almost two years on t and she still misgenders me and deadnames me and believes she has the right to #do so #kibumblabs #negative #delete later probably.

[cinewhore]

.

#idk how I’m gonna sound when i say this #but my mom is trying to hold me hostage #not like in a criminal way #but i am trying to go over to my granny’s house cause we’re doing a game night and she refuses to let me leave #Nevermind that i need to make a stop by the store #she’s been trying to get me to come home for months now and sleep with her #and i fucked uo by asking if she wanted to go to a museum tomorrow #which means it doesn’t make sense for me to go back to my apartment tonight #which may force me to stay home with her tonight #and I’d rather sleep in my car #like she refuses to let me go #and im so thankful im moving hours away so im not easily accessible #because it’s annoying af and kind of scary #i love her but i can’t stay here #i hate my house and the way it makes me feel

[foldingfittedsheets]

Even though I knew it was coming I’m still freaking out over the interview for a summer internship.

#like do I still want to take it if I have to live in Las Vegas for three months? probably #but it would be so stressful #I’m sorta hoping they want a hybrid thing where I can go in person for the first few weeks then work from home once I understand the method #I���ve never done mo cap animation and that’s intimidating #I thought I’d take law over the summer but now I don’t know if I should #but if I get this internship it would mean I get to skip a project class which would be cool #although I don’t know if I want to bail on my team or if I’d still need the next project semester #it’s all complicated but I know everything will be okay it’s just scary #ramblies

[townhulls]

.

#ignore this i just need somewhere to put all of it #i’m so sad and frustrated and just. anxious all the time and it’s taking its toll lately! #yesterday my boss told me our store is closing in a month & no one told her until fucking. tuesday #which like. i can’t even begin to articulate all my feelings on it #i love that stupid little coffee shop!!! i love it so much! #and those fuckers are taking it away from me. it’s all i wanted to do when i dropped out like #i came home and the only reason i got out of bed those first couple months was to go to make coffee for the regulars and hang out with #my coworkers and. it’s structure and socialization and i LIKE those people i LIKE it there what do you MEAN #you’re taking it away from me!!! and for why! because you don’t want to fucking pay rent? sorry you opened this store in the 90s #before you could afford to own land and make every new build a fucking drive thru #fuck. seriously #and then there’s just. the horrors always obviously #and i’m so neurotic about everything why do i have to worry about paranoia and anxiety and my stupid fucking guilt complex ON TOP of this #i’m dealing with enough just being alive just. let me keep this. FUCK! #hhhhhhhhh. hell week

[arklay]

.

#tw: animal death #tw: animal illness #woke up sobbing cause it finally kicked in that he’s fucking gone. it’s like. i can’t even describe to anyone how just close i was with him #and loved him like he had the sweetest soul even if he was a little cheeky at times and he had these big eyes that were just full of so much #love and soul and i just spent so much time with him the past ten years it feels so weird that he’s just not here. it feels wrong. like this #is his home this is where he’s supposed to be like why isn’t he here… i was walking down the hallway yesterday and like turned my head at my #mum’s room expecting or looking for him to be on the rug he liked and he wasn’t there and it just gutted me but i was so numb i couldn’t cry #or anything and like my mum came home from being out and it was only our other dog barking by herself and it was so tough to hear like his #barking may have hurt my ears and sent me into sensory overload some times but i miss it i miss him so much. i think even though i knew how #sick he was and that we were going to lose him at some point like i just kept denying it would really happen and now i feel so empty without #him here. he brought so much life to our house and he’s just gone. even in the last few months where you could see his eyes getting cloudy #and his walk more wobbly and just he was so tired he still had these moments of bouncing around and his tail just wagging and idk i can’t #stop thinking about him and i know it’s going to take a while before i stop crying just at the mention of his name considering i still #sometimes do with my old cat who died 7 years ago and i wasn’t even that close with cause he had a lot of things going on in his head and #would attack me a lot like he’s story makes me really sad but like what i mean like i had this really big connection with jazz and so if i’m #still so sensitive thinking about buster then i’m going to hold onto jasper forever i think. he was so special i could talk about him #forever i miss him so much #i’m also like feeling just really hurt over something else that’s like related but not so it’s all kicking me this morning #leah.txt

[arthur-r]

(vent cw sorry i ran out of room in the tags to say that. it’s illness-related anger as usual. content warning for medical everything)

im so fucking sick though. just in general

#and i am so tired of people acting like they know my experiences better than i do #stayed home from school today falling behind in everything couldn’t fcuking get out of bed and my dad said that yesterday my energy was up #so i’m obviously faking it today. like yeah yesterday i laid in bed for hours then came to your house and sat in a chair. saw me for 30min #you don’t get to tell me that yesterday i was feeling well because i fucking wasn’t and you have never noticed or cared #when i fucking passed out got a black eye from hitting my head on the way down. he didn’t fucking bat an eye #now i’m stuck awake because i have stomach pain and my heart has been pounding so loud for hours #and i’m trying to sleep and i need to make it to school tomorrow but i can’t #and i’ve been trying and i’ve been lying awake. and at this point i don’t know how to deal with this anymore #i get sick three times a month you’re supposed to be sick three times a year. this isn’t even counting days where i can’t stand #when i say i’m sick i mean i have sore throat congestion and sometimes fever. and it’s almost always a direct result of trying to live life #like i went to the mall thursday prom shopping. walked a few hours. woke up next morning sore throat runny nose couldnt focus on school from #all the pain in so many places and all of my regular symptoms just being escalated so badly. cant think can’t see cant stand #and that is messed up!!!! that is messed up!!!! and my mother tells me she finally agrees i need anxiety medicine #like hey thanks!! that’s helpful!! however!! why do you only endorse mental when it’s the only alternative to physical #why has my mom always denied viewing my anxiety as anything i shouldn’t just push aside. until it becomes a way to tell me that my physical #problems should also just be pushed aside. why is it so hard to get an audience with a doctor #ANYWAYS i have my stupid follow up appointment. this friday. i dont know how it’s gonna go down #i’m just going to tell the doctor how much it fucking sucks. i guess i’m going to ask for a referral to a neurology specialist in the cities #which will drive my family insane they don’t want to enter the cities to help me. but our clinic doesn’t have what i need #i might get the doctor to do a stress test on friday though if they can do that. but i want specific autonomic testing #and like yeah. i get that anxiety is in the autonomic system. part of fight flight freeze and what EVER i’m not trying to say it’s not!!!! #but does it occur to anyone that my heightened anxiety is one of several symptoms. rather than somehow being the cause #heart rate in panic attack sitting down is 120bpm. heart rate in normal brain walking down the hallway is 140bpm. it’s not my fucking brain #anyway i just need a doctor to actually fucking look at me. actually do the tests actually monitor. because it’s there if you look #but nobody cares enough to look and i just have to sit here falling behind in all my classes and not able to do my job that i love #and just wait for it to somehow get better when i’ve been like this as long as i can remember and maybe it’s worse now but it’s always been #there and everybody writes it off as me being lazy or not putting in enough work and maybe i would have been in sports as a kid if i could!! #people act like my fitness now is because of choices i made as a child but i have ALWAYS had worse reaction to exercise than my friends #and anyway i just. idk. sore throat and stuff is gone now but overall discomfort and disability is not. but i’m going to school cause i cant #keep missing it for health reasons just have to watch my heart go insane and do nothing. out of tags i’m sorry. i’m just so tired.

[in-this-light-on-this-evening]

That Gemini urge to CHANGE THINGS at 00:10AM

#jesussssssssss #i literally NEED to make changes #that means: new wardrobe and new house items and creating new things and finding a new job and changing my social groups irl and #going new places and buying a new phone case and meeting someone new etc etc #i don’t feel well #routine is my greatest enemy and i hate that bitch #the only thing that keeps me alive is my new illustration project #probably will publish that one by the end of the month #anyway yeah not to sound too gemini here but i also NEED to meet new people #i love my friends but i feel like meeting new people to enrich my social life a little bit #am i being mean if i say that i’m getting bored of some of my friends? #they are being extremely annoying and they don’t give me any spark of joy #should i be that person and marie kondo them? i won’t because i’m a nice person but i just get so frustrated sometimes it physically hurts #i want creative and positive people in my life #i want nice and gentle ones #i want somebody i can take on hikes or stay at home painting or drawing with #i’m tired of sarcastic bitches and the ones that have no motivation to do anything in life beside worrying how they look or how many #calories did they eat during the day #i want somebody with a rich brain #positive and active #also i really need a new phone case

[bigkpopstan]

I don’t care if sunghoon mc’s or not. it was a great opportunity for him he seemed to gradually grow more comfortable and confident in it and I’m so proud of him but it’s the fact that he’s going to miss it that upsets me. the fact that he’s sad and upset about it being over with and that he’s going to be so busy now, is what’s getting to me. the fact that he didn’t even know it was his last day to mc until a few hours before we were all told. it’s also…wonyoung’s contract for mc-ing got extended and Sunghoon’s didn’t when he’s going to miss it.

#the way I’m hearing about it #he didn’t know which means it didn’t seem like he had much of a say #but between tour and the Japanese album #and probably already preparo for the next comeback like always #and with birthdays and anniversaries and award shows coming up #I’m glad he doesn’t have that extra schedule but he liked doing it:( #end of the year is-I forgot holidays holidays too #it’s too hectic they need an actual break #like a good couple months to a year of just relaxing #every time I turn around they’re spoiling something else #or they’re getting sick-so much has happened in the past two years #and they’ve constantly always been working on something #no actual vacation yet: #they really need one #it’s also the fact that niki hasn’t been home in years #and the only opportunity he was allowed it tour #they fact that they were going on tour so they were going anyway #like…he’s so young let that kid have some time to relax and go home before you completely #burn him and the rest of them out before they’re 25

[justinefrischmanngf]

GOD !!!!!!!!!! life is so strange life is so very very incredibly strange

#idk how to feel like it’s mental is insane i am Overwhelmed #im also like doing not v well mentally i think so thats pribably not helping #but on the level of actual real life events oh my god #oh my god !!!!!! #i’m literally organising plans for Next Year which is crazy bc likeee how often do things planned go how they r planned but ALSO like next #year is close enough that i can be doing that…….. #AND!!! things have lined up so that i can do that #like hello . what is this . what is this !!!!!!!! #in #like 3.5 months i will fully be out of home . Living Out Of Home #its gonna be saur funny if i move and like 90% of my stress levels go down <- wont happen bc i’ll be stressed abt other things <3 #im just so overwhelmed thinking abt it all . it’s not Bad by any means but it is a lot and jesus christ #maybe i’ll be okay yknow ? maybe i can make my life into something beautiful #i AM saur stressed abt money / finding a job once i move tho but ummm #it’ll be okay i have a job here so like at least i can prove continual employment on my cv n stuff #man this is insane ! it’s all insane! i feel insane!

[cowlovely]

huh

#ivy.txt #personal stuff in the tags (not vent technically! positive vent?) #i think my mom has really gotten better in regards to mental health/disability shit? #and i’m honestly very pleasantly surprised #like. last week she and i got into kind of an argument #where she was asking me if i want a job in the future/when i think that might happen etc #and i was like well. i mean technically no i don’t WANT a job that’s actually the last thing i want #but if that’s the requirement for living at home then i will get a job eventually yeah. with therapy i will get to that point eventually #and she got. idk flustered i guess? like i think she interpreted that as me being like antagonistic towards her? i’m not sure #and she basically just lectured me for a few minutes until i got upset and left #i thought we were kind of just going to ignore it until we inevitably had the same argument months down the line #but earlier tonight she actually apologized to me? #she was like ‘your mental health is always my number one priority #and i don’t want you to feel like i’m pushing you into things when you’re not ready—if you ever even are ready! #i don’t know that you’re ever going to have a typical job and that’s okay. you’re fine where you are. #and i know sometimes i fall into the trap of what society expects of you and of me as a parent #but i don’t need to pass that onto you. i know you’re dealing with enough as it is and that isn’t fair.’ #that wasn’t even all of it but that’s like. practically verbatim?? and idk i’m just shocked like. #i’m crying a bit rn ngl because i’ve been so stressed about this 😭 #uh. this week she and my dad also finally accepted that i’m autistic (and that my dad is also autistic) so i am! overwhelmed!

[heirloommtomatoes]

i haven’t been in a new relationship since! genuinely 2019 bc i took a break for individual personal growth reasons (not that u can’t grow in a relationship obv! i just needed a break from relationships specifically) and i like. forgot how this is supposed to go. we text and call a lot bc we’re long distance rn & i’m like! what’s too much! what’s too little! i’m not anxious it’s not like that i’m just like. what is normal what is healthy???? i forgot how to do this

#just in a regular way tho! i feel v good #but i wanna do this. healthily and right #and part of that i’m finding is accepting that it’s a learning process #for everyone! #and communication is the key there #we’ve known each other for a month and started dating like. 9-10 days ago ish #which is fast!!!!!!! #I mean it’s like. chill but i would be lying if i said i wasn’t Aware that it’s fast #so i’m keeping an eye out for myself not bc of him as a person at all #he’s great! #but just. the dynamic in general ig i just want to be healthy!! #u know <3 #i wanna talk to my brother about it but he’s busy rn w a friend visiting him #and every time i call my dad he’s with other people and i can’t say anything 🙄🤚 LMAO #and my friends back home are lovely ppl but no help LMFAOOO #i say that affectionately lmfaaoo #ellie yodels #anyways <3 I’m going to journal and meditate and then go to bed <3