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#I know I can’t be with them and I regularly have to convince myself of this. yet the feelings still haven’t gone away
flufffilleddonut · 5 days
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Spider-Mandated Break - Part 2
Summary - Carmilla has been easier on herself about her work lately, after some convincing from Zestial. However, she has not forgotten about the unconventional method of persuasion he used, and does not plan on letting his stunt slide.
Word Count - 800
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Zestial and Carmilla were in the latter’s office, resting in the two chairs situated in front of her desk. The Overlords were enjoying each other’s company, with Zestial sipping on a cup of tea. Despite the busy lives that they both lead, the old friends made the effort to spend time together at least semi-regularly.
Holding the cup and saucer above his lap, Zestial’s cloak was slightly raised away from his body, displaying his long, slender figure. 
As their idle chat reached a natural pause, Zestial took a long sip of his tea before speaking.
“I must say, Carmilla, I am pleased to see thou taking some time for thyself.”
Carmilla gave a soft smile in response.
“Well, I thought about what you said, Zestial. If I keep giving all of my energy away to other people, I may work myself to my second-death.” She chuckled softly. “Taking some time off every now and then allows me to recharge, giving me enough energy to handle my responsibilities without feeling completely drained.”
“Glad to hear it.” Zestial said, a mischievous grin appearing on his face. “I suppose that means I will no longer have to persuade thou into giving thy weary soul a break, hm?”
Carmilla recalled Zestial’s playful attack a few weeks prior.
“Ah, yes, that will no longer be necessary.” She said, Zestial chuckling as he took another sip of his tea. “However, I don’t recall paying you back for your… considerate actions.”
Zestial’s tea caught in his throat, the demon choking slightly as he lowered his cup.
“Th-that is quite alright, Carmilla. Thou hath already repaid me by changing thy lifestyle for the better.”
“You know that’s not what I meant, Zestial.” A smirk crossed Carmilla's face as she stood, taking a few steps over to the other Overlord, who shrunk back in his chair.
“Carmilla, thou really need not-” 
Zestial was cut off as Carmilla placed her hands on his sides, rhythmically drumming her fingers against the surface.
“You see, my friend, one does not mess with a Carmine and simply get away with it.” She said, beginning to skitter her nails up and down Zestial’s sides.
Frantic chuckles left the demon as he squirmed, twisting his body this way and that. His cup of tea rattled in his hands as he moved.
“Cahaharmillahaha! Thehehe tehehehea!” Zestial chuckled out.
“Looks like you better stay still. Wouldn’t want to spill it, would you?” Carmilla teased.
Moving her hands up to Zestial’s ribs, Carmilla began applying light, rapid pinches. Zestial’s movements became more erratic.
“Ihihi cahahahant!” He insisted, the cup and saucer flying out of his hands and onto the ground.
“Oh, nevermind then. Squirm around all you want. You won’t be getting away.” Carmilla said, vibrating her fingers into Zestial’s ribs.
His rapid chuckling turned into laughter.
“NAHhaAHa! ThohOU ahahARt cruhuHUhuel! CehEHEase ahAHat ohohOHOhonce!” Zestial laughed out, jumping around in volume. He grabbed onto Carmilla’s wrists but did not push at them.
“I’ve never heard you laugh like this, Zestial.” Carmilla chucked, slowing her hands. “You’re just as ticklish as my daughters.”
“Ihihi dohoubt my sehensitihivity is as greheat as thahat of yohohour kihihin.” Zestial giggled, regaining his breath.
“Oh, is that so? Well then, I guess you won’t mind this.” Carmilla shot her hands into Zestial’s underarms, scribbling mercilessly with her nails.
Zestial burst out laughing. He quickly slammed his arms down against his sides, effectively pinning Carmilla’s hands.
“Remohohove thy fingers!” He pleaded.
“I can’t. They’re stuck. You have to lift your arms so that I can pull them out.” Carmilla smirked.
“Thou wihill tihickle me agahain!”
“Don’t be silly, my friend. Just let my hands free.”
Zestial sheepishly raised his arms up, prompting Carmilla to dig into his underarms once again.
“THOHOU HAHATH BETRAHAHAYED MEHEHE!” Zestial proclaimed through his laughter.
Carmilla couldn’t help but laugh along.
After a minute, she slowed her hands to a stop, removing them from Zestial’s figure.
“Are you alright, friend? I didn’t go overboard, did I?” Carmilla questioned, returning to her chair.
“No, thohou were gentle enohough. T’was nice to let loose for a while.” Zestial laid back in his chair, slightly winded.
“Sorry about the tea. Would you like me to get you some more?”
“I would be most grateful.” 
Zestial watched as Carmilla got up to fetch him the beverage.
Even as a widely-feared, ancient Overlord, Zestial had a more sensitive side to him, one that he enjoyed being able to freely share with his old friend. They could have moments of vulnerability together, without fear of ridicule or mockery. Zestial cared for Carmilla, and enjoyed bringing out her more playful side.
As he had watched many Overlords rise and fall from power, Zestial hoped that Carmilla would stick around, and that they would always have each other to rely on.
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yurrfttboyy · 11 months
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“You’re absolutely sure he doesn’t mind all of this? My feet are pretty rank, and this is pretty crazy” He said, with genuine concern in his voice; however he couldn’t be too concerned, as his foot remained a centimeter from my face, with my nose just under his toes.
“Oh trust me, just as long as he’s able to smell your feet he is more than happy” she replied. It didn’t take much convincing, they were making out again only seconds later…
He was absolutely right to ask about me, as I was a sight to see, and I think he’s a first-timer at our place! I am completely covered in black rubber from head to toe. My suit connects to a wicked hood that covers my entire face. My hood has only 2 small holes for my nostrils, the rest of it is solid black with no holes for my eyes or mouth. I could still hear them through small holes in the ear area, but there was no way I could see or speak, let alone even breathe through my mouth. My mouth was filled with dirty socks before I was stuffed in the suit, so not only was the rubber forcing me to breathe through my nose, but the socks filing my mouth also served as an extra barrier. Aside from my nostrils being exposed, there was a hole in the rubber suit just for my nub, locked securely in it’s chastity belt and exposed for them to look and laugh at. It was straining like hell of course, thanks to the months of chastity, my insane foot fetish, and the rancid feet of a horny stranger currently forced into my face for me to smell; and it was also out on display!
So not only am I a black rubber freak with a menacing looking boner fighting desperately behind the bars of a tiny, metal chastity belt to break free, but I’m also bound to the foot of the bed. My thick posture collar ensures I remain facing straight ahead, unable to turn my head even a millimeter or to look up or down. My wrists are shackled to the posts of the bed, mits on my hands, and there is a leash connected to my posture collar that is wrapped around the frame of the bed. I’m stuck in place, forced to take and smell whatever is placed in front of me. It’s quite pathetic, but believe it or not this is the third time this week I’ve found myself strapped to the bed smelling a strange man’s feet while he and my wife enjoy each other. It’s pretty normal around here these days…
I am a faceless freak who can’t move, sitting here sniffing the feet of the man who is cuddling with and about to spend the night with my wife. I’ll never know what he looks like, I’ll never be able to speak to him, and we will never know each other. I could run into him tomorrow and never know it, but I have heard him fuck, make out with, and spend the whole evening flirting with my wife all while I knelt there and sniffed his feet the entire time.
My wife often likes to remind me that one of those guys out there who comes over regularly has the keys to my chastity belt, and if I can ever find a way to ask him for it when he’s over, I’m free to; but until then it’s staying locked. I’m always gagged, hooded, suited up, and bound to the bed by the time they get here until after they’ve gone… I couldn’t even use my eyes to try and convince them, let alone speak up and ask them. And besides, she has so many dudes over there no telling who has my damned keys. I’m destined to remain locked in chastity forever, bound at the foot of the bed smelling guys’ feet while they pleasure my wife into the early hours of the morning. It’s pretty hot though, and she’s always happy.
Happy wife = happy life. If only she’d let me touch her feet, but she refuses to…she says I only deserve stinky man feet. These days she won’t even take her shoes off in front of me unless I’m wearing my hood, I don’t even know what they look like anymore…I’m just the little foot gimp for her lovers’ big stinky feet. I don’t know why so many of them agree to do it, I guess she must have a really nice pussy. I wouldn’t know to be honest….I’ve never even seen her naked before, let alone had sex with her. She and her men always sound like they are having a great time, often going for round 2 or 3, so I guess having a faggot smelling their feet isn’t such a big trade off to them..
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The (sort of) pilot trailer AU
Earlier today I was talking a little in the tags on this post about an AU of our Dangerous Romance that might feel a little more like the pilot trailer. @poetry-protest-pornography prompted me to share a little more. Here’s my little bedtime story to myself of late:
-everything happens the same right up until shortly after the cheat sheet incident -instead of escalating to the pedophile thing (which can ONLY be redeemed via the gun incident) somehow Sailom successfully manages to start tutoring Kang (maybe Grandma Ging is more involved) -so the antagonism lasts a good bit longer. Kang is annoyed at being made to tutor and while Sailom deep down loves him, he hasn’t seen the good side of Kang yet so holds himself at a distance -the more time they spend together though, the more they slip. -Sailom overhears Kang’s dad make his ‘helpful’ remarks about Kang taking it easy on more than one occasion and starts to get ideas about why Kang has become the way he is -Sailom praises Kang when he gets answers right and Kang finds himself freezing in place, face hot -One time Sailom comes with bruises on his face and won’t tell Kang what happened -they keep making each other laugh accidentally and going over time without meaning to -It’s reaching a point where it’s getting tense because neither of them will admit they actually like each other; lots of very handsy tussling/shoving each other -During this time, they have shenanigans where they piss someone off and have to hide in an enclosed space together, so there is a NEAR KISS -there is also at least one (if not three) slow motion fall moments, because cmon this is DR -Kang also gets punched in the face (either by Sailom or not) and Sailom relents enough to shove ice in his mouth -Except this whole time Kang has been stewing on the kiss in the gym and he’s also getting increasingly more possessive of Sailom’s time, including when he hangs out with Guy -So one night they get in this ridiculous argument and it’s pouring rain, and it ends up in the OG kissing scene -They start hooking up (the teenage version of it) regularly after that — maybe it becomes a kind of reward system when Kang does well (which would be a great pretense for why they can allow themselves to do it without copping to feelings) -only once they are kissing regularly and Sailom is already struggling to keep up walls does he get the full force of the Kang reveal. Maybe the dad comes into Kang’s room and he has to hide under the bed (or behind the curtains, lol) and hears the dad say something truly awful; this would be a good time for the whole soccer plotline to come into effect -Afterwards, Sailom’s truly done for; he can’t help being wanting to support Kang in every way he can; he starts showing up to games, praising him more, etc -And those moments of his support only make Kang give him those big longing looks that make his heart seize more -Then, as their relationship is at this precipice, one night Sailom doesn’t show up to tutoring, completely out of nowhere and won’t answer his phone, and Kang (gets all dolled up) and goes over to see what’s going on -So you get a version of the gun scene where Kang enters to find Sailom terrified out of his mind, screaming, and somehow bluffs his way into saving him (not sure how because in this case he wouldn’t have a gun — perhaps a ‘do you know who my father is’ or he just promises to bring back money to pay them) -this time the feelings of the hug would be very different. Sailom would be clinging to him even more, and Kang wouldn’t be able to stop touching him; probably rubbing a hand up and down his back and kissing the top of his head -That night Kang would convince him to spend the night and they would fall asleep in the same back bed, then wake up tangled up together in the morning -They probably have another argument because Kang wouldn’t want to let Sailom go home; he’d be even more insanely protective. This could culminate in a “because I love you!” -and then we would quickly get into the escort plotline and so much of what we have ahead in which I cannot possibly speculate more than I have already!
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maxverstepponme · 1 year
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He had Kelly on his close friends so I guess he had the other wags there too 😭 // Before giving you all the information, I want to say that other F1 photographers can’t stand him. Most of us don’t like the way he works, it’s very invasive towards the drivers and very dishonest to other photographers. In case you’re wondering how I know this, I’ve been an F1 photographer for a few years so I know a lot about what’s going on around the paddock. You’re free to take this as you wish, I’m only here to share my thoughts. This is going to be long, my apologies.
You’d be surprised when I say not many of the wags are on his close friends. Only Kelly, Caterina and Charlotte have made it there because they were the only ones who really interacted with him regularly. Kelly is still there, but Caterina and Charlotte aren’t there anymore because they have run their course as F1 wags. When Cate was still dating Pierre she would let Kym know she was going to be there almost a week before without Pierre’s knowledge. She would also tell him when they were on their way to the track. Occasionally he would give her fashion advice on what to wear to stand out more than other wags. He would call her “My dear Caterina”.
Charlotte did something like that too but only when she needed more attention. Whenever she needed to deny rumors she would call him and tell him where and when to photograph her. The bicycle entrance was a PR stunt from her part, according to Kym himself.
Kelly is his new Cate and Egle will soon be it. This is why we see more pictures of her than any other wag. She lets him know she’ll be there days prior to the start of the race weekend and lets him know when they’re on their way to the track. During Monza she was not going to be at the track initially because she had some issues according to Kym, but he convinced her on going and she did so. I think she was sick or something happened because she didn’t seem happy at all on the paddock.
Egle let him know she was going to be on the paddock too and he was really excited about it. That’s why she made a grand entrance with that awful outfit. The wags that are constantly photographed don’t pay him a crazy amount of money, but they do give him something for the “Paddock Photoshoots” as he calls them.
Carmen is photographer often too, but according to what I’ve heard she doesn’t pay him at all. He likes her because fans like her. Now, many wags and ex wags don’t like him at all. Katerina had contact with him for a while but cut it off after. He didn’t share the reasons, so my initial thought would be she got tired of him being annoying.
Dilara, Luisa, Tiffany and Justine asked him directly to stop photographing them. Lando asked for some privacy too but Kym didn’t care.
Dilara was very good friends with Caterina and was often photographed with her but she didn’t really like having Kym following her around. She asked him to stop photographing her, but of course he didn’t listen. This same thing happened to Luisa, Justine, and Tiffany. This is why Justine would often get to the paddock from the back entrance. That is all I can share for now. I hope this helps clear out some things that are being talked about!
Note to Steppy: This blog is more popular than you think and most people that I’ve discussed the blog enjoy it a lot! People saying wags and others don’t care about this blog are wrong and know nothing about the paddock life, you made me and others download Tumblr again 😂 In case you want to know some of the drivers know about the blog, but you’re the number one entertainment source for some of the mechanics and photographers.
Keep up the good work, hopefully I can be back with something useful soon. If you have any questions I’ll try to answer them 💛
— Lens anon 📸 (I’ll call myself this if you don’t mind)
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packedandstrapped · 7 months
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can u give me ideas on how to come out? i’m 22 and known i was a lesbian since i was around 14-15 and have been too scared to come out because of my parents. i value what my parents say and ik they aren’t going to accept me so when i come out to them, they’re gonna say they disown me and kick me out or some other shit, but it’s gonna make me spiral into a depression (haha). but i can’t keep living a lie man living like this is hard especially when my parents keep trying to set me up with men. when i was in highschool, i tried so hard to give them hints i didn’t like men, i never dated them, never talked about them, hell even begged my mom to wear a suit to prom, but she told me it was “un lady like” and made me wear a dress. i just love my family so much and i don’t want them to hate me but living this lie has made me hate myself. no matter what i do it’s a lose lose situation. this has caused me so many problems. i literally use to have an eating disorder because of how much anxiety of my parents finding out i was gay would give me. i’ve tried to convince my self to like men and i just can’t. i feel like something is so so wrong with me and i can’t. it makes me not wanna live anymore i wouldn’t wish this on anyone. i know this is lowkey cringy to be telling someone all this, but i just really really need advice on this because i just can’t keep living everyday a lie.
Hey friend- please feel free to DM off anon if you want to talk. I will chat with you about this stuff literally any time.
There's nothing wrong with who you are. Your message feels like something I could have written at 19-20 years old. When you said you value what your parents say, I felt that in my core. I want to be able tell you that everyone comes around and they'll totally understand and accept you. But sometimes it's not that way. And the people that claim to love us the most can only give that love when we fit into the box they've created for us. This might sound hokey, but reading The Four Agreements really helped me identify the space between my parents ideas and my own. I will send you a copy if you're interested in reading.
It's no wonder that you're experiencing so much anxiety and worry about coming out. For a lot of us, coming out as gay to our parents is the first time we truly see them disappointed in us. There's a crushing weight to our parents thinking we're actively trying to hurt them by living our lives authentically. I hope that's not the case for you.
If I could do it all over again, I would journal about it for a few days. I'd practice the important phrases I want to get out. I would focus on the simple message I wanted to send rather than trying to navigate their feelings. I would try to think about the various reactions I might get and have one or two general ideas of how I could respond neutrally. And despite all of this, I'm sad to say even though I would have felt more in control, I'd still be just as wounded coming out of it. I understand the fear you have in disappointing your parents because it's been a reality for me for almost twenty years. They've never let up on reminding me that while they're proud of my accomplishments, it's despite my otherness rather than a celebration of what a queer person can do. They refuse to use the word "wedding" or "wife" and they give us a room with two twin beds when we go to visit. The microaggressions never cease. What's changed now is how much of myself I let them see. Now it's about what makes me comfortable instead of existing around them in a box that never fit right. It's still hard- I regularly grieve the relationship I wish I had with my parents. But as I've aged, I've realized that my friends are my family. They are they ones that have been there and show up for me unconditionally. They're the ones I have turned to when I needed a place to stay, a job, or a listening ear. They get it.
I don't know how you feel most comfortable communicating with your parents, but think about what it would look like to say the words out loud or in a text. Try not to feel bad about telling them this information. You are being truthful and honest and that's what is important. You are giving them the gift of seeing you for who you really are; to celebrate you in the way you want to be seen in this world. Don't worry about doing it the wrong way because sometimes there just isn't a defined right way. I know it's scary but the sooner you get it off your chest, the sooner you can fall into the comfort of your real self.
Come back or DM me if you need anything, friend. We need you here.
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I used to somewhat frequently get really bad chronic physical anxiety symptoms, like I’d mentally feel not that bad but I’d still feel dizzy and lightheaded and feel like throwing up and a bit numb everywhere and my chest would hurt, and then of course I’d worry that this means I’m dying so then I would start to feel anxious, and that would make it worse. I even went to the emergency room a couple of times when these feelings were accompanied by particularly severe chest pains. They hooked me up to machines and did all kinds of tests and eventually said it’s just that I’ve got so much anxiety happening so chronically that it’s causing physical symptoms to also happen chronically. That or there was some physical cause that they missed with all their EKG tests and breathing tests and blood tests and other things, which would be quite a coincidence, if I had my several different anxiety disorder diagnoses and also a different thing that caused all the same symptoms. I don't know. They did find my blood pressure runs low and tell me to eat more salt, and someone said something about a thyroid being a possibility but never followed it up. Maybe I should follow that up.
But these were weird and extra scary because they weren’t just happening during a panic attack, or while I was freaking out about something and I could make them go away by calming down. They’d come on with seemingly no warning and they wouldn’t go away and I hated it so much. There have been a few years in my life where this has happened regularly, most days, and I’ve generally had to make some major life change to get it to stop.
Outside of those few years, this has been something that happens occasionally, and it freaks me out, but I try to remind myself that I’ve had it before and it’ll pass, and it usually does within a few days. As of now I actually hadn’t had it for quite a while – not in that way where the physical symptoms just come on with no obvious warning or antecedent, that is. And yet it’s been happening all day today. I feel fucking terrible and I’m writing this post because of course I hope it’s just that again, but I can’t really know.
It’s really frustrating, because I’ve just gone three weeks without drinking for the first time in many years. And I’m pleased about that. But I’m always hearing and reading people saying that when they stopped drinking they felt so much better and healthier physically and psychologically, and I’ve had the opposite pretty much from the start, and it doesn’t mean I’m going to abandon my plan to cut back but it does seem unfair. To my justice-obsessed brain, if I have to live without doing that thing I really enjoy, which is drinking whiskey and watching old comedy videos every weekend, I’m supposed to feel better in exchange, not have my anxiety levels ramp up to the point where I’m dizzy and almost throwing up and a bunch of other physical symptoms that I could get from alcohol too, but at least if I got them from drinking then I’d have fun in he process. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night convinced the world was going to spin off its axis and I was dizzy and I couldn’t get back to sleep for two hours. That’s what’s supposed to happen during a drunk/hungover sleep, as a price I pay for having fun drinking. It’s not supposed to happen when I haven’t had a drink in three weeks.
I don't really know why any of this is happening because things are actually going relatively well right now, maybe it's low blood pressure. I'd just like to say, I feel cheated. I know that not drinking is still a good idea and it's what people should do and everything and it's what I'm doing, but I was promised that this would feel better in at least one way and I feel cheated because I'm still waking up in the middle of the night panicking and I'm still dizzy and lightheaded. It would sure be great if these symptoms would slow down before I have to go to work on Monday. This is exactly the sort of thing that I'm afraid of when I worry that I'm not functional enough to keep a fulltime in-person job longterm, that this sort of thing will happen when I'm working. Hasn't really happened since I started working in person last year, but it is now, so that's good. I'm living in a friend's house at, as the British say, mate's rates, but I still do have some rent to pay.
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Hi, I can’t call myself a radical feminist, only familiarising myself with concepts at the moment so I don’t know if my opinion is welcome or not but I just wanted to share my thoughts about beauty standards which make my blood boil otherwise I’ll combust and I feel like this is the topic I could only discuss with radical feminists because it’s just integrated so much into so many women’s heads that they genuinely see nothing wrong with it. And I don’t have any radical feminists in my real life to talk to, so sorry if such questions are not allowed, please feel free to ignore me.
If they are allowed here are the thoughts. Where I live people are obsessed with the concept of being “well-groomed”, well, mostly women again, because the “well-groomed” standard for men and women are drastically different. It’s absolutely not enough for a woman to basically take a shower, brush her teeth, put on clean clothes and maybe even some perfume! Hell, even having her legs and armpits shaved is not enough. NO. To be well-groomed you HAVE to have an extensive skincare routine, put on no makeup makeup, preferably have arms shaved as well, get manicure and pedicure regularly done in the salon, hair done in the salon, and this is self-care and this is the sign of self-love as everyone says. Spending 6 hours in salon getting nails done and wasting I don’t know like a 100 dollars on nails is self-care and self-love? But it’s a standard because everyone does it. It’s so ridiculous but I even feel like something is wrong with me if I have my natural nails, regular human clean nails, without dirt or anything. I feel like my natural nails are unnatural and not okay, does that make sense?
Also wanted to share a post as well which inspired me to write this message in your ask box. I saw a post from a woman, I think she’s in her thirties and she shared that she’s entering a new relationship with a man and she’s had some experience in the past relationships and had some lessons she’s taking from them into a new relationship. Few points were things like her kids always take priority and their important events (like having a concert at school) will be a priority over a date, how she is financially stable and can provide for herself and her family by herself which are all good points in my opinion but then she finished it off with cheerful: “and I will always take care of myself, dress up at home, do hair and makeup, epilation (hair removal, I don’t know if epilation is a word in English) to look like a princess at home for myself🥰🥰🥰” and I’m like girl what? How do you even connect these points? And other women were applauding here in the comments calling it inspiring. Some people even go as far as to say that kids want to see their moms beautiful that’s why they have to be “well-groomed” even at home, interesting, I always thought that kids want to see their moms happy, spending quality time with them? Because it’s a nice deflection from doing it for men to doing it for kids. All in all, we all know it’s for men even if some of us refuse to admit it. (Sorry for my English as well)
Please don’t apologise, of course you’re welcome!! You don’t need to be a radical feminist to recognise or discuss misogyny. You’re completely right about the incredibly different standards for men and women. It does of course make regular women who do genuinely look after themselves and their bodies feel inadequate that they’re not also doing the thousand other things that have become the norm. Which like you say is not the same standard men are held to. Hell, there are men who don’t even practice basic hygiene.
People associate basic hygiene with femininity and a consequence of that is that women’s hygiene and beauty standards are conflated as if they automatically go together. And men, because hygiene is associated w feminine beauty standards, think they can or even should do the bare minimum of basic hygiene or even less.
+ yeah women get convinced this is all for themselves, as if the patriarchy and therefore men are completely uninvolved with making beauty practices synonymous with ‘self care’. If it was self care, men would do it. We need to encourage women to think critically why they do certain things men do not do. Especially if it’s something as supposedly gender neutral as self care.
I also don’t understand the logic behind the idea that kids need to see their mothers (but not their fathers?) well groomed. Tbh i think it’s incredibly important that kids, particularly girls, see their mothers existing as people. Your kids *should* see their mothers without makeup and with body hair. Because kids should be aware that their mother and other women, including the ones they only ever see dolled up, are human beings and not dolls. You’re completely correct it is so much more important for kids to see their mothers be happy and not focusing on her appearance 24/7. Thank you for your ask (your English is excellent ❤️)
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citylawns · 2 months
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i'm so sorry to be one of the ppl asking for advice on physical appearance topics, but i'm wondering if you could give me insights on how i should stay firm in my self-confidence when i'm constantly being compared to someone else. i'm grateful to have a stylish mother (who is my muse) but it does hurt that ppl always HAVE to compare us (my mom has the typical model look; i'm just 'plain') & how clothes fit on us. i use fashion as self-appreciation & expression but now i feel limited in some way.
continuing from the last question, lots of ppl have literally told me word by word that i'm "so unlucky to have not gotten my mother's genes, what a waste!". as events like this piled up over the past several years, my self-image is destroyed. went to loads of therapy but felt like i was overreacting & all of them told me 'why does that matter?'. i too just want to be respected. now i just wear things that cover my body :/ maybe i'm the problem, but just in need of contradiction or assurance
I am sorry because I think I’ve failed to get through to you every single time I’ve answered these questions before.
I’m just repeating myself now saying “stand up for yourself” and “de-centre beauty from your life through friends and art etc”. I know it’s harder than it sounds and you’re in a really bad environment if people are saying that stuff to you and your mother doesn’t defend you. that’s disgusting. As soon as you can get away from those people and get away from your mother you should do so. It’s psychological damage, I know you say she’s your muse and hopefully she’s nicer to you in other ways but lots of women like being in competition with their daughters and that’s the vibe I’m getting from your message. Or she may not even realise. So question then: does your mother ever build up your self esteem and tell you how amazing you are in other ways? Does she see how the comparison destroys you? Does she tell these people to shut the fuck up? Could you ever confide in her and be comforted?
I rarely see my mum because of the things she’s done and said to me and my siblings and it’s taken years but every second I was away from her I felt myself getting happier and healthier.
I truly keep trying to point you in the direction of people, videos, concepts, politics, advice that will help you that you can explore yourself but it’s in your hands to take action and decide what is best for you, whether this resonates and helps or not. You don’t have to listen to a word I have said but I’m answering the same question over and over and over.
I get that my advice is probably not helpful in any way because this is not something I’ve experienced. But I have endured self hatred and low self esteem, I know you can’t just brush it off like it’s not made an impact, it will do and obviously has done. So maybe you just need to keep feeling that hurt until it you can verbally stand up for yourself, make art out of the experience, write about the experience, connect with other people about the experience, and leave to find a better place where people appreciate you.
That’s what I did when I was younger, for different reasons but I was def considered the unattractive weird girl at school. after I was abused by my boyfriend and my friends turned against me in favour of him I had a mental breakdown, was cutting myself, punching myself, trying to wrap cords around my neck to end my life, I’ve struggled with self hatred so deep I’ve tried to end my life and destroy myself in so many ways because I was convinced I was bad and worthless by my mother, my ex boyfriend, all of my friends, and all the teachers and other students at my school who didn’t reach out. I barely survived but I did and things slowly got better when I left that environment and started going to gigs regularly and festivals and meeting a new group of people including the next boyfriend who I spent 4 years with.
Hopefully this is a phase of your life that you just have to survive. Hang in there ❤️
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smashleestar · 1 year
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Yesterday was a really good day. Things have been going really well for myself. I’m thinking of starting my own website where I can post verses just having this tumblr. I’ll keep this but I’d like to expand.
It’s been about two weeks since I deleted Facebook and honestly I don’t miss it as much as you would think. I liked posting little comments and shared about what I was doing that day but honestly I was just getting people on there that I didn’t really want to talk to or keep in touch with that I felt like I had to keep informed and that’s just not the case.
I cried out of pure happiness last night on my ride home because for the first time in a long time I feel like I’m actually doing something with my life and you have no idea how freeing it is to be making money doing something you find joyful when you’ve been stuck for so long.
I have a meeting with the psychiatrist today. I’m really nervous because I made mention to my accompanying therapist that I wasn’t taking all of my psych meds. And she and I are both of the same opinion: I don’t need them. I’ve been functioning without them since June of last year and my behavior has been perfectly normal. Now just to convince the doctor that I don’t need all of them.
Mental health medications come with many stigmas. I definitely believe that if you are struggling to get out of a rut, if your behavior involves you lashing out or being regularly angry or sad is displeased mental health meds can definitely be an option to get you back on track. But that’s the thing, I have been functioning perfectly fine without them and there’s no need to put a chemical in your body if it’s not serving you a purpose. I still live in the mental health community homes which they may back lash and say that I need to be taking meds to live here but the fact of the matter is I have been perfectly fine without them and my therapist whom I meet with every week agrees. I have been meeting with Leigh for over five years now so she knows a good chunk of my personality. The fact that she thinks I don’t needs these meds helps me to feel better about the idea that I don’t think I need them. It felt really good to hear her say she didn’t think it was necessary for me to continue them and I hope my doctor will be just as understanding.
If he’s not, which he is liable to be dissatisfied, I’ll just continue to keep them for the time being and when my roommate and I finally find an apartment I’ll revisit the idea of going off of them completely.
It’s been hard. I think I kind of convinced myself that I needed these meds because so many people pushed me out of their lives (and my mom was such an advocate). And at times I do struggle. I find myself taking the anti-depressants because I’m nervous that I will have a day in which I really doubt myself and I just can’t get up from the covers being pulled above my head. I want to convince my doctor to keep the prescription active or talk to him about alternatives that I can take for if I really feel like I need them that day. Because there are some days (a bit like today) where I don’t want to face the world. But overall, my mental health has been really good.
Now just to convince myself that I can’t save the world.
I started working as a residential housing worker for the home that saved me five years ago and honestly it’s been the most rewarding work. But I do have a super human flaw about myself where I want to do everything I can to help these people because I’ve been there but the fact of the matter is I can’t solve everything. I paid out of my own pocket for one of the residents groceries last night because I felt so bad that he had taken stuff to the register that he wanted and he couldn’t afford it. And this was fine one time but I most certainly am not made of money.
I broke up with bubi too. And he seemed to think I was made of money as well.
Though I want to save the world and solve everyone’s money problems, I just can’t and not taking care of my own needs, and saving others all the time is just something I am not capable of. I think I feel in a way like there are just so many problems in the world that it’s up to us as a human race to fix everything that I take it upon myself to push myself to my limits to be a better person but that’s just it: I am a good person and I do do good things and I can’t save everyone.
I was really happy with bubi, I reallly felt like I had found someone who would be with me for a long time and we were together for a year and five months but him calling me names and just expecting me to get over it, and then on top him taking money from me just pushed my limits. Plus he seems to think he’s done nothing wrong and he just expects me to beg for him to come back. I guess he didn’t get the message that I’m not going to beg to be with a man. And in fact I’m better off trying to take care of myself then trying to support both him and me. Once again, I’m not a super hero, I can’t save everyone.
So it’s been about two weeks with out him or Facebook but I’m doing really well. I’m in a job that I love and I feel like I’m crushing my goals. I have until November of 2024 to find my own apartment and things seem to finally be opening up with the weather lightening up. Keep your head up!
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dearfuturehusbandblog · 11 months
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Barrier To Entry
Dear Future Husband,
I went to a wedding recently and the bride's mom and sister are convinced they know the perfect guy for me. 
But it’s not you. 
Let’s call him... NotMyPrince. 
So, the bride's mom tried pointing out NotMyPrince to me at the vort* but he was taking care of something in another room and based on her description of him I was sure I'd passed him in the hall and... he's just not my type. Physically at least.
I tried to brush it off like “oh, I’m sure I’ll see him around sometime” and since I was helping the bride with some stuff, I was able to ‘not happen to be around’ wherever he was until the end of the vort. I thought maybe that’d be the end of it, but that’s not how my life goes. 
So at the wedding, I was sitting with MotherLivelyHeart and BigSis when the bride's mom came over and we were all schmoozing and she mentioned NotMyPrince again. She was like “he's around here somewhere, I'll point him out if I see him.” And then he literally walked over like a minute later to say goodbye because he was leaving a little early.
And wouldn't you know, it's exactly the guy I thought it was.
And I’m probably the shallowest person on the planet but I just don't find him attractive. (That’s how I know it’s not you, Future Husband, if you even exist.)
Who am I to talk, right? I have a whole host of issues and I’m passing up a guy based on physical attractiveness? What’s my problem?
Well, technically, even in the Jewish world there has to be physical attraction for it to be a kosher marriage. One can’t feel forced into the marriage and often without physical appeal there’s always some kind of emotional barrier that is difficult to overcome. Sure, some people do it, but that’s not true of everyone. And it’s definitely not true of me.
Because, like I said, I’m shallow. 
I know looks fade. I know I’m one to talk when I can’t even stand how I look in the mirror most days, but I still have a type. And I’d say it’s a pretty classic type too. 
Using celebrities, let me show you what my "type" is:
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I didn't used to think I had a type, but as clearly seen by the above images, that's patently false. There are some clear indicators of features I'm most drawn towards. Lighter skin, darker hair, often lighter eyes, eyes that kind of squinch when smiling, significant brows, primarily heart/oval shaped face... (It’s also interesting how many of those guys have widows peaks.)
Now, that obviously isn't to say that there aren't other guys I'm attracted to, because there's a whole spectrum of faces out there in the world and there are definitely good looking guys that don't specifically fit the images I just shared. There are guys with darker skin I find attractive, lighter hair, less squinchy eyes, etc... My taste isn’t completely monolithic, but I’m attracted to classic good looks and as someone who lives in a very visual world, I have to be attracted to a guy’s face to be interested in him romantically. 
And before anyone tells me that nobody in the frum community looks like that, I can easily say that’s untrue, because I’ve met guys who fit my type. And most of them are really sweet. And all of them are married. Or like 18 years old. lol
But using another celebrity as an example (sorry, David Mitchell) the guy they want to set me up with looks like this:
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Except possibly blander. And balder.
This is a guy I’m not ever going to find physically attractive.
And you’re probably like “Girl, what the hell? Manage your expectations. No 10 is going to go out with a 2 like you.”
And you’d probably be right. 
Because I do have a list of qualities/characteristics that are important to me in a mate (most of which should just be standard, honestly) and when you combine those qualities with any of the faces in the first image above, you would have a 10. Or maybe even higher, while I’m still an obese, depressed mess with janky teeth and hair, and a family so screwed up that I want to kill myself regularly when I stop to think about it. So, a 2 at best.
And now you’re thinking, “Girl, what the hell? You shouldn’t even be dating, let alone thinking of marriage.”
And you’d be right. 
Which is why I regularly rebuff advances, because I don’t think I should be wasting anyone’s time or “tricking” anyone into settling down with me either. I’m a mess and I know it. And while marriage is something I do desire, I know I’m not ready for it yet.
So I would probably reject this match on principle, seeing as I don’t believe this is the right time for me to date either (one day, maybe, but today isn’t that day), but also I just really do not find this guy physically attractive in the least. 
He has a decent job and supposedly he has a great sense of humor, but at most I’d be friends with him. Maybe even good friends (if the frum world allowed such a thing), but definitely not friends with any sort of... um... “benefits.”
And it’s really nice that these family friends aren’t as shallow as me. That they can look at NotMyPrince and just see the amazing qualities he has. Either that or they see me as a 2 too... so I’m not sure how to feel about that... 
But I also have no idea how to properly tell them that I’m not interested right now. Or ever, really. 
It’s been a few weeks since the wedding and the mom just messaged me the other day with his resume and the note:
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She’s so sweet, but I just... I don’t know how to word the fact that I’m not interested. 
And I think her daughter is on the same page as her, because I was still dealing with my back issue at the wedding**, so after NotMyPrince had come over to say goodbye and headed for the door, I waited a couple minutes and then excused myself to go get advil from the car because what I’d taken earlier was wearing off and I could barely focus on anything else. I ran into this daughter as she was walking someone to their car. She was like “wait, you’re leaving!?” So I told her no, just getting advil and I’d be right back in and she was like “great! cuz we haven’t spent any time together tonight!” She told me she’d be right back in and we’d get a chance to hang while the chassan and kallah were eating or whatever. 
But then she never came back in. 
On my way out to the car I actually passed NotMyPrince, as he’d stopped near the entrance to say goodbye to some other people, and as I walked back into the building from the car, he was walking out alone. 
So I’m guessing he ran into the daughter on her way back in and they got to chatting, because by the time I left over an hour later, I still hadn’t seen her. On our way out I messaged her “Where'd you go!? I wanted to say goodbye” and when she responded “Bro I missed you” I replied “You said you were coming back and then I never saw you again lol”
And then she messaged the following: “I was talking to your bshert. I’m not kidding”
I countered with a joke and she responded: 
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So.... I think it’s safe to assume she bumped into him on her way back in and they got to chatting because there was no one else out there. 
And then we had this little exchange:
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She then messaged that she was going to “set this up tomorrow” which didn’t happen, probably because she’d had too much to drink and also verrrry little sleep the week leading up to the wedding. But I’m like 98% sure she and her mom are on the same page about this and I don’t know how to say a definitive no without looking like a terrible person or offending anyone. 
So far I’ve just kind of left the mom on read and I did have a completely unrelated conversation with the daughter and she didn’t bring up NotMyPrince again, so.... thankful for that, I guess?
But I have to find a way to actually put this particular subject out to pasture. 
I guess I can hide how much of a mess I am pretty well if they want to marry me off to someone they really like though. So either I’m succeeding really well at hiding how much of a mess I am or I’m failing miserably at life because nobody can see how much pain I’m in. I can never tell with these things. Maybe both.
As always, I’m open to thoughts on the matter at hand. Feel free to share any advice you have.
-LivelyHeart
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*I think the bride’s mom has actually mentioned him a few times to me over the last like 5 years, but I don’t really remember for sure. The vort was just the first time recently and when he was in the same place so she could point him out to me in person
**The back issue has mostly dissipated as I’m writing this, though over a month of this and it’s still not 100% 
***Also, just a random side note, but I also checked out NotMyPrince’s facebook page and most of the things he posts are sports related and I don’t want to marry a sports fan. I have hashkafic issues with it and I grew up with a father who has a disgustingly unhealthy relationship with sports and I thusly have a visceral aversion to it.
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unheavenlybody · 2 years
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hi i ended up writing an entire essay while trying to vent so feel free to ignore: 
its frustrating that there's no way to talk candidly about mental health problems without the looming fear of forced institutionalization, at least in my case. people trying to force medication on you. wellness obsessed fitness people recommend you start doing yoga and “clean eating” and only using certified nontoxic products and adopting a more positive mindset and ~recognizing your inner magic~ or whatever even though no one asked (literally a dig at my sister LMAO). so much of it just seems self righteous and self congratulatory and devoid of any genuine compassion or understanding for people’s unique circumstances??? recognizing that a lot of life is just hard and miserable and sometimes its ok to just sit with that??
i hate the idea of some dude with a degree from whatever ivy at my school’s counseling department keeping a record of everything i say which can potentially be used against me even tho its supposed to be confidential. treating me like a fragile baby bird but also slicing our meetings in half and arriving late and leaving me to fend for myself after asking me to dig up buried trauma and then offering no support for the next two weeks other than “i understand, that must be hard.” recommending we look into a psychotherapist during our next meeting, which i cant even afford, and then not following through. repeatedly tiptoeing around the question of whether i have suicidal thoughts and if so how severe, like, my guy, i 100% wouldnt tell you that in a million years. even if it’s true.  
i'm caught between recognizing that a healthy diet and exercise and enriching hobbies and social connection are necessary parts of getting better, but people seem to conveniently forget that these aren’t equally accessible options for everyone. and even if i maintain all of these things, will it be enough to keep me here? i just don't understand the impulse to shame people for not trying “hard enough” when it’s so easy to neglect these things if you don’t have money, adequate resources, or emotional support. not everyone was born to be entirely self sufficient (is anyone really, lol?) but grindset wellness fuckers will have you convinced you’re just an undisciplined weak-willed piece of trash and simply need to become more like them. or at the very least get medicated and stop complaining. but can you prioritize a healthy organic diet if you barely have enough money to scrape by as it is, when understandably cheap fast foods are one of the only things that still bring you comfort that you can regularly afford? how can you safely exercise in a way that's both sustainable and enjoyable if you can't afford a gym membership or exercise equipment and live somewhere that neglects public parks or is highly polluted and congested? or if you have chronic pain or fatigue and can’t get treatment for it because your dumbass country doesnt think universal healthcare is a human right? you can’t even maintain certain hobbies and especially long term relationships unless you have money for outings and some means of reliable transportation (which in the US obviously means having a car). how can you get out of an abusive or hazardous living situation when the resources that do exist are often underfunded, discriminatory, or exploitative themselves? when you have no one else to depend on? everything is increasingly designed to strip you of any opportunity at having a happy fulfilling life and maybe some people are just less equipped to deal with this reality. maybe i am weak lol. or they see through the bullshit and can’t bring themselves to care anymore. 
like yeah i know that’s not a great mindset to have, and you should still try to find joy in life, but most days i can't help but feel that I am trying to get better by exercising or eating healthy or allowing myself to love things all for nothing. like maybe ive already been robbed of a healthy, happy life by circumstance and i could try to exhaust myself further by insisting things can and will get better when maybe realistically they won't in the way i want them to. i dont know how to end this i just wish it was easier to talk about with someone lol sorry for the essay byeeee
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fractallogic · 1 year
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Why is my anxiety bad today.
I think that’s why I’ve been so fucking grumpy all day. I’ve yelled at my podcast, I couldn’t pry myself off the couch until almost noon to run errands, and now I’m laying in bed feeling like I’m in a fucking comic strip or sth when the sheet is pulled up to their chin and their eyes are huge and blinking in the dark. Like that emotion. I’m convinced I’m a burden and I’ve annoyed people by asking stupid questions, and am also irrationally annoyed by people, which is my main MO when I’m anxious. Like wow, BAD brain space today and I can’t shake it.
WHY BRAIN. WHAT IS UP BUDDY. Why are you giving me adrenaline taste in my mouth!! Why are you yelling DANGER DANGER at me!! You have asked the neighbor before if they can hear the YouTube videos in your room that you play before bed and they have said they can’t!! The dept head is not fuming at you for sending her a shitty draft of a grant piece out of the blue that she’s writing with you!! Yeah it’s weird that your foot hurts, but it’s probably because your knee and hip on the same side also hurt, because it’s all a connected chain of shitty joints misbehaving!! Yeah it’s annoying that your friend dismissed the one time you suggested to them that you actually do kind of get their hypermobility because they only know that you regularly sprain your ankles, not also that you’ve dislocated your knees multiple times and will also do that if you run into anything at knee height (bed frame, coffee table) right; you don’t have to be mad at them just because they don’t live in your body and don’t believe you aren’t also having joint pain frequently!!
Also annoying: a couple nights ago I was reading the Deborah Tannen book I have out from the library and my anxiety was triggered because she was describing arguments that people had had based on gendered expectations of communication. Because people IN A BOOK were arguing, I had my “people are arguing” anxiety and couldn’t sleep.
Brain, you need to fucking CHILL ❄️💊
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cryptidshadows · 1 year
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Hey, I hope this is okay to ask.
So, I’m a trans guy, and I know this, but I get really heavy imposter syndrome and feel like I’m faking it.
I logically know I’m not faking it, if that makes sense, but I can’t stop the thoughts when I get super dysphoric.
Do you have any tips for that? Does it get better with time?
I’m pre-transition and the thought of transitioning scares me when I see all of these detransition interviews and stuff, but I can’t live as a woman, either, because that feels like living a lie.
Anyways, thanks if you answer this (even if you don’t, thanks for reading). I really appreciate it.
I feel you dude. The good thing here is that you recognize your imposter syndrome for what it is - a false voice in your head, something which isn’t true. It’s ironic that it’s when you’re most dysphoric that your mind can somehow convince you that you’re not. You’re literally suffering from living in a way that’s not compatible with who and what you are. I'll put my recommendations under the cut.
I highly recommend journaling for anyone who’s struggling with imposter syndrome, PTSD or self-worth. I regularly write out the things that are bothering me. Putting them on paper in a physical journal helps me sort out those thoughts, makes them something solid and tangible, and helps me to look at them from a logical standpoint. When it’s all in my head, it’s so messy and hard to untangle and look at through a different lens. Once it’s on paper, it feels so much easier to digest and rationalize, and then let go of the thoughts that are not useful to you.
Meditation is great for this as well. Even ten minutes a day can help clear noise, and there are great free guided meditations that are 10-15 minutes long, even on Youtube. Daily Calm has a series of them that I use regularly!
I know my opinion on this is likely not popular, but I think it’s good that you’ve chosen to expose yourself to detransition stories. Listening to different experiences can be valuable, caution is healthy and it can help you to determine if you’re on the right track for what’s best for you. However, some detransitioners are alarmist and purposely push an anti-trans agenda which can be very harmful to people who can benefit from medical transition. If you’re struggling with imposter syndrome, their stories could convince you that you’re also somehow faking it, or that your dysphoria isn’t real - or even that your dysphoria IS real, but medical intervention won’t help you. That's not true for the vast majority of us.
Another thing that may help you is to imagine yourself 10 years from now, or 20, or even late in life - what’s the picture you feel most at peace with? Are you seeing yourself as a man in his 30s or 40s, with a home he likes, doing something he enjoys? Can you picture yourself as an elderly man? Is that a picture that makes you feel content with your future?
You stated that you know you can’t live as a woman because it feels like living a lie. That’s exactly the realization I came to process and understand myself. I felt wrong, trapped, distressed in my body and day-to-day life. HRT helped me tremendously, as did a lot of change in my mindset towards my body and people’s perception of it. It was a slow process but it has changed things for the better in immeasurable ways.
The last thing I’ll mention is if you haven’t gotten yourself a packer or binder, or something else that you think could be affirming for you, do that if you can! I can’t put to words what my first packer did for me. Taking those first steps could really solidify things for you, and the best part is, you can take it off if you want to - there's nothing irreversible about it. I really hope this helps at least a little bit and don’t be afraid to reach out again if you need it.
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My thoughts on Angelyne (no spoilers)
Jesus Christ, what the hell did I just watch???
Angelyne has to be the weirdest thing I have watched in a long while. Like really, REALLY weird. Not in a good way weird. :/
First of all, there isn’t a lot of Martin Freeman. He is a lot in episode 2. One short scene in episode 3, a slightly longer one in episode 4. That’s it. But ok, this show is about Angelyne, not Harold. Still feels like they used Martin’s name and reputation to lure in a bigger audience.
Did I like Angelyne? Well, no. I didn’t. The 1st two episodes were oddly entertaining (I think because they played mostly in the 80s), and then it just got weirder and weirder (I know that I am using the word ‘ weird’ a lot, but that’s just the main vibe I get from the show). It wasn’t even uninteresting- I mean I sat through all 5 episodes and finished them. But I found myself taking breaks regularly and doing chores in the house (which I really don’t like to do lol). But... my God... some scenes were just so... bizarre and odd and strange. Which probably fits the whole Angelyne story, but it wasn’t my kind of thing. The last 20 minutes of the last episode were just... ooooof.... whatever drugs they were on, I want the same stuff and keep it for a special occasion.
Should you watch Angelyne? Well, if you’re a Martin Freeman fan: yes, of course. But stick to episode 2. Watch all 5 episodes if you’re really brave and into weird shit. You might find it interesting if you lived in LA in the 80s and 90s. I am pretty sure that I will not rewatch it any time soon (or ever). (Except for gif- ing.) But that’s just my opinion and you should form your own opinion ofc.
Is there anthing good about Angelyne? Yes, of course. The acting is superb, in my humble opinion. Emmy Rossum did a fantastic job as Angelyne and I can’t say a bad thing about any of the other actors. And Martin is as great as always! Also, big kudos to the Make-Up team. The aging of the characters looked really convincing. The wig team on the other hand... xD (I am joking, but also not. The wigs were... special. Not only Martin’s.) Music was alright as well.
Conclusion Well, I wasn’t really hyped about Angelyne to begin with. Which is odd, because I usally get excited about everything that has the name Martin Freeman attached to it. I think The Wig just put me off. lol So, no high expectations. And still, I feel disappointed.
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scaryscinny · 2 years
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final loggggg! self control? who’s she? anyway. i hope tomorrow will be better? i think my new goal will be under 700. i always do so well until night time, and then i convince myself that BECAUSE i was doing well earlier, it’s okay for me to snack a little or grab things i wouldn’t usually eat during the day like bread or sweets :-/// and then the calories just rack up and ugh. but tomorrow is a new day, and i still kept under 1000kcal, sooooooooo! i’ve also decided that because i can’t go to the gym and walking/jogging stresses me out, i’m going to be picking a select few exercises that are easy for me to do alone (i.e. jumping jacks) and just doing the fuck out of them lol. i’ve never been athletic, i’ve always either been super underweight and out of shape or super chubby and out of shape… honestly getting back into shape is not my goal until i can start regularly going to the gym, and i have so much fat and so little energy or strength that i really just have to make do for now :((
ps i’ve never been able to do a push up in my LIFE lol. i also can’t stay motivated to do most exercises other than walking….. i might want to get back into that? i don’t know. i used to burn a LOT on long (loooong) mall walks with my friends but we don’t really go out anymore, and it feels so awkward and terrible to go alone :/
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