#I ONLY HAVE FOUR MORE HOURS LEFT

[wibble-wobbegong]

hey guys if you see stuff about bombs on tv tonight blame it on driving school

#I ONLY HAVE FOUR MORE HOURS LEFT #ITS THE LAST DAY #WHY DO THESE BITCHES HATE THE GRIND #gonna have to tell my mom and she’s not gonna be mad i just don’t like fucking stuff up bc she’s nice about it #she’s gonna be disappointed but not mad and it’s like. #she SHOULD be pissed #this EARNS me a good yelling at and maybe like. a punch or something. but SHE WONT DO THAT #AND ITS WORSE!!!!! #head in my hands #see i never miss my dad but i think he needs to come show her how to be mean to me #im so bad at Everything unless there’s a threat bro. i need her to be MEAN!!!!!! #god. the GUILT bro #if I could be normal. ohhhhhhh i would love to be normal #dear diary #<- new personal tag #I DONT WANNA SEE ANYBODY IN THE REPLIES. #let me loser cope on tumblr dot com for free Ok thank youuuuuu :)

[moregraceful]

Whenever I feel my age in hockey fandom, I remind myself firmly: no matter what, Marc-Édouard Vlasic will always be older than you. Pictures - 1) Kitty Cat Max on patrol; 2) Magnus Chrona (6'5) standing next to a U6 goalie at the anthem; 3) full moon at night.

#having a vaguely discomfiting week #uhhh i don't know. too much and not enough to do. mostly not enough #i've been applying to some deeply hilarious silicon valley jobs #one i was editing my cover letter for and thought man. i could do this with the irc for way less money with way more stress #(international rescue committee i mean) #and then i went for it anyway. i would be good at it! i've just seen the exact same job description for charities working with refugees #the bay area is so interesting. i'm always like i love it! it's home! but how much of that is only having left it for college #but then i think about starting a new life somewhere else alone and i'm like god that sounds exhausting #lost control of my schedule again btw. forgot i had about 800 things on the calendar #i actually forgot i had therapy for four weeks straight in the last two months it's been such a mess #which i think is what happens when i have no external schedule #again i do not dream of capitalism. but i do dream of someone else giving me tasks with a set number of hours attached #if an anarachist commune told me my job was to snap the ends of string beans off for four hours i'd be like hell yeah. 4 hour task #why snapping the ends off of string beans SUCH a social activity btw #that was like THE kitchen task my mother would trust me and my sister to do on major holidays and so i have such weird fond memories of #sitting at the table snapping the ends off of string beans and talking with my sister while our family buzzed around us #i mean a lot of my core child and teenage memories are my sister and i hanging out while our parents marriage fell apart around lmfao #where was i going with this. oh right. need a job mostly bc i am going stir crazy but also bc i started private ice skating lesson which are #expensive. definitely going to help!! but expensive #but idk i am haunted and beset by living with my parents in my 30s so more reasons (practice) to get out of rhe houae #*out of the house while mostly unemployed...the better #the story of this post can be boiled down to a couple of things i think: 1. no hoes. 2. no job. 3. if i keep making these posts i have to #take more pictures of things #(<- very live in the moment kind of guy who forgets things later bc they didn't take pictures) #fresno oilers.txt

[the-casbah-way]

i think every university student who has a job and studies at the same time deserves everything they want forever actually

#yeah this is about me #i dont think people realise how fucking hard it is to do both and not go insane #ITS HARD ENOUGH TO DO ONE AND NOT GO INSANE #i wish uni would cut some slack to students who have to work and be more understanding w deadlines and stuff #especially bc jobs act like said job is your entire life and expect you to drop everything when an extra shift comes up #work drains me so fucking much that i just have no physical or mental energy left even back when my shifts were only four hours #how do you expect me to go to a shift then go to classes right after and then spend the evening doing mandatory reading #i rlly wanna know how other people manage it. i really dont think there *is* a way to manage it when you are neurodivergent and Sick #do not get me wrong im grateful to have a job and be able to work i just wish i didnt need to so i could focus on uni #i feel like im going to end up with a worse degree class than im actually capable of because i just cant spend the time on uni that i want

[deepwoundsandfadedscars]

The amount of times I have had a thought to send to my sister and remembered she will never get it 😭

#kee speaks #we went to the funeral home yesterday and it felt so surreal #mom shared the note my sister left with me and my brother so we know what her mindset was like and her reasoning #but it hurts that she never voiced it to us when we could've reassured her #she parked her truck in one of our farming fields behind a row of thick bushes so the truck wasn't visible from the road #you wouldn't know a truck could make it there unless you've been in that field before like we have #but it's right next to a dammed lake and that's where my brother in law proposed to her and only four days before their wedding anniversary #and then he was the one who found her #none of my family made it over there to be there with him #my dad tried but he blew the engine on his truck just a few miles from the farm; not even a quarter of the way to the field #i think that was a sign that he shouldn't have been there #but my brother in laws family all made it over there so he had his immediate family with him and my family was together at the farm #when the cops were done talking to him over there him and his family came to the farm #from Friday afternoon until Sunday night it was just a continuous parade of people coming and going from the farm #even yesterday evening a bunch of people stopped by #i don't think i have ever received so many hugs in a 72 hour period before #we've definitely deduced that my parents church will not be big enough for everyone if all that showed up at the farm plus more will be ther #we picked a day almost two weeks away for the funeral so that people can make arrangements to come #im so exhausted though #i keep crying over things that feel stupid to cry over #like she was the one who convinced me to read the Murderbot Diaries and the next book comes out in the next couple months #i wont get to talk to her about it #i was going to lend her my PS5 so she could play Jedi Survivor #on Saturday i kept crying over a pin that has been sitting on my mug shelf in the cupboard that was meant for her #i convinced myself to wait until Christmas and put it in her stocking #and now I feel bad that i didnt give it to her when i bought it cause maybe it would've brought her some joy

[prismatica-the-strange]

Nope, I'm still crying

#i wish literally anybody from school remembered me #literally only 2 people i was friends with hace talked to me in the past four years #i had the realization tonight that i was never given the choice to nurture most of my friendships #everytime i tried outside of school hours including trying to join clubs my mom would make me leave halfway through then lecture me #that she didn't have time to drive to town and get me #but as soon as my brother wanted to join junior air force she suddenly had all the time and energy in the world to devote to that #so what I'm getting here is that my friendships and interests weren't important enough or worth her time #i wasn't interested in Junior air force 1 cause it wasn't offered to me and 2 I'm not a boit licker #no #i was interested in the video game and board game clubs cause my friends were in them and they WANTED me to join #but after not getting to stay for more than one full session after a month i left the board game club cause it wasn't fair to the others #and i only went to the video game clu once and i don't remember much of it cause i was too anxious that she was gonna flip on me #i kept waiting for her text but instead she showed up at the classroom and made me leave #so when the same teacher that ran the board game club asked if i wanted to join the chess club cause he knew i liked chess #i told him i couldn't cause i was too busy because i didn't want to deal with begging my mom to let me join #she would have said yes but would have continued not letting me stay and being super passive aggressive #I'm not even in the year book for the year my friends graduated #the one thing she did let me do was drama and i hated every second of it. it was genuinely a bad experience for me #yeah i had friends in drama but it's not the same as hanging with my nerdy guy friends playing a star wars ttrpg #the worst part is she gets so defensive when i bring it up and won't give me a reason outside of 'I guess I'm just the worst parent' #it's in those moments i really remember she's the youngest in her family #OH!! it gets worse! she told me when i was younger that she had to be an honorary cheer leader cause HER MOM absolutely refused to #let her join cheer and she's alsways been bitter about it but then she turns around and did basically the same thing to me ffs #at least she was allowed to hang out with people after-school i wasn't allowed to do that either #no. instead i spent the hours after shcool alone most days and my weekends home alone in my room. and she wonders why my social skills are #maybe if I'd been allowed to work on my relationships outside of a classroom i wouldn't have felt so abandoned when everyone i knew #graduated without me. maybe if i didn't have to start back at square one socially again and had people to text and hang with after class #i wouldn't have dropped out. and i think only atlas knows i dropped out. idk how to text these people without spunding like I'm looking for #sympathy when they ask what I'm up to. like yeah I'm stuck at home with an anxiety disorder and unemployed trying to get on disability #prisma vents

[greppelheks]

Identifying which things are incredibly difficult for me because of adhd, and deciding to no longer do them, instead of forcing myself to do them because I should be able to do them, is honestly so freeing.

#personal #The constant information that'd be put in my brain by texts and all the little emotional responses that come with it #Was so fucking overwhelming and infuriating so I've decided to just check my texts twice a week #And the constant information and stimuli that'd come with using certain apps is kinda exhausting so I've deleted most apps #And am gonna work on spending less time on the ones left #I'm now more aware of others situations I keep finding myself in that make me overdtimulated and exhausted #And I'm gonna hopefully just not do those anymore and find replacement activities #I was shopping with my sister and I was so overstimulated from all the people and sounds and smells #And having to have a conversation with my sister with music blasting #And it's like this everytime so maybe I should just not do that anymore #And I just went out for dinner with my mother and my niece and she had a breakdown and she always does in the evening 'cause she's Done #And I don't wanna do that either #I'm fully zoned out now because I got more stimuli in one hour than I normally do in four days #Painting with her this afternoon was perfect and quiet but God all those people and kids...... #Don't wanna do that anymore either am more happy to spend a few hours during the day with her #If only my sister didn't live two hours away I could #I'll figure something out #Personal #Everybody's always like God you're so autistic and like... maybe you're all just incredibly fucking loud All the time #Just ordered those loop earplugs and I'm gonna take some steps to start working from home more #'Cause my administration days are a huge struggle. I'm constantly being interrupted and bothered by people #I'm sick of trying to force myself to do the 'normal' thing. It's obviously not working.

[murobrown]

.

#hi friends I'm dying.... doctor did a blood exam on me this morning and I don't think there's any blood left in me anymore #my lunch break is over in few minutes and I think I just became one with a couch so I'm writing this instead of getting up #my previous doctor never took so much blood i never had problems before #also I'm going to hairdresser tomorrow and I feel the urge to do something new with my hair but I suck at this #also I decided not to worry about my calories today and I thought it would feel very liberating but it's just making me nervous #i wanted to treat myself with pastries for breakfast after the doctor and now I regret everything and all i can think about is burning it #on the positive note i think I'm overcoming my fear of doctors slowly i was panicking only a little today #i really really really don't want to get up #i just heard an email notification from my pc and now I want to stay on the couch even more #four more hours and I'm done #I'm sending everyone motivation and I'm getting up #if you have any good music recommendations send me something and I'll listen to it while I work! :)) #if you're also looking for a sign to get up and be productive this is it! #we're doing this we're going to make it #we don't have to do anything perfect just get through it #have a wonderful day everyone ❤️

[wild-lavender-rose-musings]

I’ve been struggling so so much recently with lack of interaction with my work. Anyone who comments/reblogs/sends asks etc. please know you are the sole reason why creators like myself continue creating <3

#writers haven musings #writers haven #to be honest I’m contemplating a hiatus #or just queueing up what fics I have left then going silent until they run out #I’m really really struggling financially right now #I’ve had to put double the hours in at the studio and writing a series for irl publishing #the sadness and negativity I feel when I come on here is becoming so unnecessary in an already stressful life #im doing this for fun guys #if it’s not fun anymore then I really shouldn’t be doing it #it’s just been really hard #like having an ask game and only getting four asks when I’ve got nearly two thousand followers #im feeling used just for my content #maybe I did this to myself by not showing more of my personality #honestly this is just like what I experience as a writer irl but I don’t really care because im doing what I love and im getting paid #but im not getting paid for any of this #and it’s starting to become toxic for my mental health

[ienvieu]

the irony that is me loving my parents and still them being the two people i am the least honest to and feel the least safe with my secrets

#today was shit #i pray that tomorrow is better #he knows. he understands. he makes me forget. he probably doesnt even know how seen i feel and how much of a breath of air he is to me #he makes me forget when he's nearby even when he's doing nothing and i feel so so safe that he knows #and he's so kind and is so warm-hearted #he is so tender inside and i have seen him cry more than a few times because of things i dont want to mention #and he doesnt push even when he addresses the elephant in the room and i never feel judged #and i only see him thrice a year for a week each time #and those weeks are the highlights of my year #so bizarre how i feel more cared for by someone i barely see rather than the people who raised me #relapsed awfully aggressively when i was months clean and i feel horrible i kept praying for forgiveness. i feel disgusting #mom would it have killed you to just help me #it's been four hours ever since and since then i was distracted by things i had to do but now #then i had to hang the laundry and not having any distractions and being left with my own thoughts made me spiral again #good lord #i just #i wonder if everyone else feels like dying every day like me. she always says that she struggled too and that she stayed up late manytimes #and i know she had it difficult too but our lives have been so different that our childhoods simply can never be compared and i want to #scream and destroy everything but i cant so i can only destroy my own body and im so helpless idk what to do #tw: mental health #i feel so spiteful and i want to show her everything and scream that she did this to me and that it's all her fault #but i love her too much to hurt her like that. it would kill her. #and ig it's all my fault for being a horrible being and for being a failure and turning out ill like this. i just dont know anymore #i think i had an episode of psychotic rage again. everywhere hurts but i still cant get the ugly feeling in me go away

[gaymiens]

honestly believe that wwdits just needs to have longer episodes or longer seasons

#thats all i can say rn. didnt hate this episode but it wasnt good either #when you only have like four hours of content per season its gotta be a nightmare to try and work out pacing #marwa i feel could have just been written better from the get go #considering simon the devious has died four times i genuinely dont think this is the 'end of marwa' or w/e #but it is definitely a sour note to leave her character on before s5 #i dont get people who are like 'nandermo is cancelled' tho #like theyve always been messy and horrible and this is just their conflict reaching its apex #to lead into season 5 now that guillermo has power over nandor and is prepared to utilise it fully #nandor does still have two wishes left which should be instrumental to s5 imo #wouldnt be surprised if without guillermo's aid he ends up catastrophically fucking himself over #because the djinn is beyond done with his bullshit #i mean more than hes already fucked himself over #anyway #wwdits spoilers

[lilgynt]

obligatory dad i will beat the shit out of you if you put ur hands on my mom moment

#personal #just broke up a fight then put my dad down for bed with a whole lecture #but definitely a moment #i think forcing them to let go of each other was more emotionally than like #more emotional for me #idk sternly talking to my father #anyway i didn’t tell him but i did tell my mom next to him in a normal speaking voice #if he gives you any issues call me if he touches you yell and i’ll fucking take care of him #then emphasized to him again my mom needs to sleep for both their sakes or else she’s gonna attack him #he cannot talk to her touch her he doesn’t have to sleep but he can’t bother her #and then left but i heard him talking to her so i came in and was like #why do i hear you talking to her? no talking no touching. let her sleep. if i hear it again i’ll come in again. then left #oh and mentioned how my mom has to be awake in four hours and i have to been awake not to long after we need to sleep #anyway i don’t like talking to him like that bc like #a lot of this isn’t his choice his brain is actively fighting him and making him like he is #and good news we’re getting someone to stay with us sunday and physical therapist coming in tomorrow to help dad #a lot of this isn’t his choice but there’s only so much my mom and i can do 24/7 #i hope my mom knows i’m not kidding about that like #not in a weird way but also ma’am he’s just some guy who beat me as a kid most days and ur my mom for better or for worse #like that’s genuinely not asking a lot #i mean kinda fucked up old dude with dementia but like i know him and he had it coming and if he puts his hands on my mom etc etc #and i mean mostly i just want him safe and comfortable i don’t want to upset him or hurt him #but like if he tries it honestly probably won’t even be hard to just keep him down #he might still have a decent amount of muscle mass over so can’t ignore that but also he’s an elderly blind man #and i outweigh and am taller than him #like not gonna say oh easy peasy cause he does have a decent amount of strength left but pretty sure i can keep him down or kick his ass

[firstdegreefangirl]

Pro-tip to surviving an 8-hour shift you don't want to work: spend half of it on voice chat with @toews-a-peek having twin meltdowns about ships sailing

#all of a sudden I only have four hours left? #that's MUCH more manageable than eight #AND I got to visit with a friendo #everything I create tonight is Em's fault #also maybe for the next week or so #but it's OK #because Em is the bestest #toews a peek #my franns #katie speaks #katie's hotel adventures #about katie

[mushroomjar]

My hair's so long and it makes me so sad every single day, but the only two options are either cut it and throw away my mother's love or live with it

#okay maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration but not by a LOT #i actually scheduled a haircut three or four weeks ago but when i told my mom about it like 30 minutes before it happened she literally got #so mad and forced me to cancel it even though there was only half an hour left until it happened #i felt so bad about cancelling it especially bc i know the hair stylist and he's so nice and i scheduled it like three days prior but i had #a sleepover right after the appointment and i just knew i would NOT enjoy myself at it if i spent the entire time thinking about the #yelling i'd get once i got back home and i really did not want to ruin that sleepover for myself #and now my hair just keeps getting longer and longer but i'm just not ready to have my mom's comments on my appearance/actions increase #tenfold and i hate it so much bc it's so unfair my hair gets in my way all the time it's so uncomfortable i feel so not me #it gets to a point where joking about it is no longer funny it's just sad and reminding myself that my friends said i looked and felt so #much more like myself and even my brother said he preferred my short hair doesn't work in making me as happy anymore #anyways #vent #mother mention #cat rambles

[eggmeralda]

spent an hour making a list related to That Fandom, followed by an hour listening to the haunting vibe playlist, followed by an hour reading the fanfic we wrote about my band and crying actual tears bc it's the peak of comedy, followed by an hour thinking about all the things I've ever created that will never be seen by anyone either bc I don't know how to show them to people or bc people just think they're bad but either way I'll never know the true answer, and now it's 10.30pm and I've basically experienced the full spectrum of emotions: autism, existential crisis, silly, and the feeling of being unseen

#the list btw was working out which south park character canonically gets the most bitches. kyle btw #but yeah the 4th hour was typical after experiencing the adrenaline rush laugh attack high of the 3rd hour #(with an air of bittersweet nostalgia for the joys of 2nd year uni) #and the 4th hour was just thoughts of like. do you ever make the best thing you've ever made and then you don't know what to do with it #even if the thing itself isn't objectively Good. but it's still the best thing in comparison to everything else you've made #and for me it's the messily written script for that film i wrote #and the album I'd been recording since 2020 and finally finished at the start of this year #and like. both of them i spent so much time on and both were for my own enjoyment #like the process of making them is fun #but then once they're finished what do you do? do you show other people? or do you just keep it to yourself #keeping it to yourself is the safer option bc you don't know what anyone's opinion of it is #the only thing is that it feels trapped inside i guess? like you've just got it to yourself for no reason #at least put it somewhere. post it online or print/record it in physical form. so you have some way of proving it ever existed #but then if you do post it online there's only four options: #1. no one sees it bc they don't know it's there (neutral) #2. people see it and enjoy it and they tell you (good) #3. people see it and hate it and they tell you (bad) #4. people possibly see it but whether or not they engage with it you'll never know and no one says anything about it (????? worst option) #and you don't wanna be obnoxious about it by reposting it all the time so you just assume either people don't like it or just don't care #and then leave it #and it's not even anyone's fault it's just you have no idea where you stand with anything #and then that leads back to the question of why would you make something in the first place if all you're gonna do is finish it #if the process is enjoyable then just make small versions of it so the finish doesn't feel as wasted #more emphasis on the making experience. which is the fun part #idek what i'm talking about. does anyone get this #i'm not saying no one should ever make big things bc it's pointless or anything #but also what is the point in finishing something massive if it's just gonna be left collecting dust in your mind. and possibly storage #if it always feels like this i'm just gonna never finish anything ever again. and then everything will stay fun forever <3 #ramble

[verystressedcollegestudent]

if there's one thing i hate more than slackers in group projects its goddamn hypocrites

#this guy did jack shit for two full weeks when we're building the damn prototype #but STILL brought up the fact that most of our team blew off a report till the last minute in the beginning of march #*prototypes don't work* “sEe tHis iS wHy wE nEedEd tO hAvE a cOnvErsaTioN aBouT MS3” #like hon you lost the rights to the “y'all need to contribute more” argument the moment you left me hanging for 2-3 FUCKING WEEKS #like excuuuuuse me you been prioritizing extra curriculars all week get off your high horse stop lecturing everyone else about contribution #he made maybe 3 contributions? maybe? #first he 3D modeled an adapter and sent it to someone else to print (couldn't even do THAT himself smh) #then he sent the gc a sketch of an idea i roughly proposed literally the NIGHT BEFORE as his own contribution (that I ENDED UP BUILDING #then he...screwed on a few pipe fittings and called it a project :) #would be a LOT less pissed if he didn't show up to One Thing outside weekly team meetings/class #then apologize for slacking off BUT then launch into a FUCKING SPEECH ABOUT HOW HIM BEING HERE PROVES HIS COMMITTMENT #all because he DOESN'T LIKE GETTING UP EARLY. like sir. sir i am rIGHT FUCKING HERE. i was up till 4-5am working on this stfu #we've been building for three weeks and he's come into work on stuff wo me there ONCE for an HOUR #for context id spent about fifteen hours in the shop alone working on the fucking thing that WEEK #like im trying to be understanding ik tech week is hell #but i took “stepping back” as “i only have a few hours here and there to be in the shop and will do the writeups” #NOT “won't show up outside meetings AND we're splitting slides and writeups 80/20” #like id been in the lab all fuckin day and notice we have an assignment due (missed a SINGLE meeting due to exam) #and i ask him if theres anything i can do (and im thinking like look it over maybe add a spec or two) #and this fucker has the AUDACITY to ask me to write the full four paragraph summary cause he #*checks notes* copy-pasted some specs from milestone 3 so of COURSE its only fair that despite the fact I've been in the lab ALL DAY #that i write the four fuckin paragraphs too #course we're troubleshooting and he's like “did you clean the pump? did you disassemble it and rinse it?” like yes??? #i did EVERYTHING i could think of before i even bothered texting you cause i know you're fucking useless #and then he raises fifteen different concerns which while valid would have been NICE TO HEAR WHEN I SENT YOU MY INITIAL DESIGNS #y'know BEFORE i spent over fifteen hours of my free time building this damn thing #with slackers i just pick up the work and move on with my life this idiot is trying to gaslight me into thinking that he contributed fairly #when i heard “i need to step back due to play stuff” i thought we'd be splitting it like 65:35 NOT FUCKING 95:5 #and now hes probably going to give ME a poor peer review because I've been passive aggressive with him in the few meetings he showed up to #like i got shit going on too? how the fuck does he expect me to respond to being abandoned to do this shit myself

[exopelagic]

once again facing unstoppable force (anxiety-driven need to finish my work) vs immovable object (brain doesn’t wanna do anything but think abt little gay people)

#solution: write tumblr post #I JUST figured out a fix to my plot problem in this story I’ve been thinking abt #and I rlly rlly badly wanna start fleshing out these characters bc this is the story I’ve been most excited abt in a long time #it’s also combining a bunch of elements I’ve been playing with for a long time but never fit #and I am obsessed with all of the character concepts I have rn. there are 4 and this caters DIRECTLY to me #I’m getting much better at crushing the anxiety spikes that are uh. like. vaguely scrupulously ig that kept me from making things do ages #in favour of going hard on self indulgence and I’m having a great time #scrupulosity* as in i worry incessantly abt readings and sociopolitical implications until I’m just exhausted by the concept and drop it #sometimes you can just have fun luke it’s okay #but yeah I am!! and I wanna draw them all and do more stuff but #I have THIS FUCKING LECTURE. most boring frustrating man alive hislectures SHOULD BE GOOD but he SUCKS #he cannot get to the point and takes so many detours which are COOL but he’s so pretentious about it his lectures are PAINFUL #I get headaches within a few minutes of listening to him talk this hasn’t happened since I was sleep deprived in the v basic first year 9ams #and I’m on the last one. out of four. I have half an hour left. but this half an hour is insurmountable #and I gotta finish it bc I have so much other stuff to do (only two more lectures (better)!!! but also coursework now #which is easier!! and I know how to do both of them but it’ll take a chunk of time and I’m committed to getting it done by end of next week #okay. okay fine. I will watch this dumb fucking lecture and it will hurt #but once it’s done I will literally never have to listen to him talk again this is it forever. one last stretch #and then I can mess w my story while I have food. I can do this. pray for me #luke.txt