#Hmm I should get to work on that song parody | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

the-panmixxia · 10 months

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Pound of Prevention (and an ounce of cure) Chapter 5

Two figures wandered through narrow alleys, closely following a magical, purple thread as it flickered in and out of existence. Janus huffed in frustration as it completely disappeared, lowering his hands and rubbing them to ease the cramping.

"This isn't working." Janus mumbled, rather grumpy. Remus grinned, quite happy to trot next to the frustrated warlock.

"I still say we should hijack a sound system and blast Paramore until the little emo scuttles out of a crevice!"

Janus simply rolled his eyes, fiddling with the lapels of his peacoat before reengaging his spiritual bonds. A neon green thread lead straight to Remus, an orange thread trailing far east to his brother a few states away. And one, faint purple thread, barely there and leading them dead ahead. A tether to Virgil.

A tether that flickered once more, and disappeared into nothingness.

"Don't fret, Janny! It was going a bit to the left. That's a direction to get waking in, huh?"

The two kept walking, Janus eyeing the sky critically. It was going to rain soon, and in no less than an hour Virgil would be transforming back into a kitten. The guilt threatened to eat him alive at any moment, though it was rather difficult to wallow in past mistakes when a devilish imp was hanging off your arm, singing crude parodies to pop songs under their breath.

"Hmm. Maybe Virgil is in there?" Remus says with a smirk, nodding towards a building across the street. Music could be heard from inside, and neon signs in the window depicting silhouettes of girls in bikinis, it was rather apparent what the place was. "I think we ought to check it out, just in case."

"Something tells me that our socially anxious, asexual friend is not going to be in a bloody strip club!"

Remus simply grinned, shrugging his shoulders. "I dunno, maybe spook will surprise you. I bet Virgie is getting a lap dance right now. Oh, can you imagine?"

Janus scoffed, cuffing the horny imp round the ear. "Give the Gods a break Remus, we find Virgil this week I'll give you a lap dance myself. Let's get moving."

With the vague promise of a lap dance from his favorite, uptight warlock, Remus seemed a lot more motivated to find the third roommate. That's not to say Remus wasn't worried about Virgil, or that he didn't want spook back. It was just that…well, Virgil was a human equivalent of an adult, and technically within spooks right to disappear into the night like a much less intimidating Batman.

The pessimism was pissed out of his bloodstream the second Janus was able to clench his ass and get the magic up and running once more. This time, the thread traveled a few feet ahead before curving upwards to a tall apartment complex. It disappeared before it could hit a particular floor, but unless Virgil was hovering behind the building with a new found flying ability, then spook was almost definitely in that apartment building. Spooks house, most likely. At least that curbed one concern, that Virgil's intense hatred of social interaction lead to a lack of job and housing. Before all this drama Virgil was working at an extremely quiet leather shop, usually spending spooks whole day listening to some variant of a "this generation doesn't know good leather when they see it" rant. Virgil insisted it was better than dealing with customers.

"Oh, fuck yeah. Imma be having that lap dance before sunrise!"

Janus flushed a gentle pink on the left of his face, tugging his gloves with a huff.

"Oh, shut up. We've got at least a hundred apartments to search, and before that we've got to find a way in without looking like criminals."

"Pshh. No building is gonna keep my slippery dick in or out."

"Bitch. BITCH! NU-UH, I'm liking none of this."

"Remy, we've been brainstorming all week. I'm telling you, Patton had zero interest in eating me. I think fae just fosters cats? Like, for fun?"

"Latte didn't need fostering, she had an extremely loving owner!"

"I mean, you never really got her chipped or put any identification on her. Besides those stupid crochet hats you'd wrestle on to her."

Remy let out a primal hiss that would've had any caregiving vampire going feral, though only served to raise Virgil's brow in an unamused manner - spook had heard the whole spectrum of nestling noises from Remy, not much have Virgil pause anymore.

"Sorry, Remy. Those hats were dumb. And I need to get fostered by this big ass werewolf so I can bite a big ass chunk of fur out to act as a pelt."

"And then I'm gonna bust you out by knocking on the door and insisting that's my kitty?"

"Yeah. You should have finished at the library by nine am, come back with your librarian venom and once I've poofed back we should be golden to go through this reversal!"

"This is gonna suck. You're making me deal with two of the biggest bitches ever, like I actually don't know who's worse, the nerdy librarian or the cat-napping dog -"

Virgil huffed, smacking Remy's arm to stop them mid rant. "Are you doing it or not, Remy?"

The two paused, staring at each other, Virgil trying to control spooks anxious breathing and Remy - well, they technically didn't have to breathe, but he sighed and huffed plenty.

"Of course, Vee. We've got each other's back, we're cov-... Uh, a couple of pals. Besties. Roommates for life."

Spook huffed a laugh, it was always amusing how awkward Remy got at any form of affection despite his usual sass and confidence. Still, Virgil probably shouldn't mock it.

"Thank you. Let's get this sorted. I'm gonna turn into a cat anytime now. Drop me on floor twelve and I'll try and be caught by -"

Ah. Cat mode activated, apparently, as Virgil suddenly got very close to Remy's boots. The vampire shuffled back, cooing softly before scooping Virgil up.

"We need to get a proper cat after this, babes. I miss Latte's baby phase, she was such a scruffy little kitten! But not as scruffy as you, babes, don't worry."

That was plain rude. Virgil bit his thumb in retaliation, but diligently plopped into a loaf position on Remy's palm. The other thumb rubbed a gentle circle on the back of spooks ears, mm, nice. That deserves a purr.

"Heh, cute little bitch. If this werewolf does end up eating you, I'm totally having your bedroom. You actually have a view, I'm stuck staring at another building's air con units."

Ah, Remy, the eternal drama queen. The two ride the elevator, doors opening to an empty hallway. Remy steps out just enough to peek round the corner, foot in the doorway to keep it open. The coast was clear, so they leant down to whisper to the kitten.

"Right, this is your stop, yeah? You know which door it is?"

It was quite hard to communicate in this tiny body, so Virgil tilted spooks head all the way back to really emphasize the nodding yes. The vampire smiled, reaching into his bag to grab something before rubbing a greasy substance into Virgil's body. Gross.

"All done, babes. You look extra wet and pathetic. See you later."

With that, Virgil was left in the hallway, Remy's disgusting hair gel settling into spooks fur, stinking of chemicals and shea butter. Yuck. Virgil wandered up the hallway, not needing to count the numbers as Patton's door was the only one not swamp green, but still wondering how to get the werewolf's attention.

"With my luck," Virgil thought "Patton isn't even in faer house tonight. In fact, it would be just my luck if Patton has moved out and I'll never get that stupid pelt."

Maybe crying would help? Did spook have the shamelessness to literally cry for attention for a complete stranger? Considering the alternatives were either staying as a cat for half of spooks life or hitting Janus up to beg for a cure, then maybe so.

" Meow. Me-eeeeooowww!" Virgil cried, trying hard to project spooks tiny voice, pacing around the halls. Hopefully Patton's wolf-like hearing extends to faer human form, but Virgil had never actually talked to a were long enough to know very much at all other than etiquette and social rules for different species, which all children learn.

The elevator hummed as it rose to this floor, opening up to let someone out. Virgil flicked an ear, glancing at the doors to see a pair of crisp, white trainers step out. The bright red laces had shiny beads and Disney-themed charms adorning them. When spook actually looked at the person, the pathetic little mewls died out. It was the same fae that Virgil had, rather creepily, stolen the blood of. As weird of a move as that was, Virgil will gladly take the bad karma that arises from that decision at a later date. After the curse has been reversed, please.

"Oh Padre, look! I think it may be the long-lost soot sprite, returned at last!"

Seemed like this fae was adamant on talking like Prince Charming (the Shrek version, and Virgil did intend that insultingly) and spook was quite sure they'd been talking to a father of some sort. The last thing Virgil needed was to be closely examined by an elder fae. This one seemed oblivious to the curse, and their mild fae-features (freckled, where most elder fae had impossibly unblemished skin. Ears pointing a little, instead of ears tall and pointy enough to pierce the lobe thirty times over) meant that they didn't possess the ability to interact with others curses.

An elder, on the other hand, would sniff spooks true form in an instant. Maybe turn spook into something worse, for funsies. Spook didn't feel like interacting with that scenario, so rather literally turned tail to try and hide behind the dying ficus a few doors down.

That plan also didn't last long, as the assumed 'padre' gasped and made a soft, dog-like whimper.

Wolf like, even.

"Oh, kiddo, there you are." a familiar voice crooned.

The mission had, once again changed, and Virgil piloted the tiny body to turn round and stare the Were down. Patton was reaching out, crouching with a few bags round his arms, clearly uncertain if pursuing the 'animal' would be wise or not.

Fuck that.

Virgil meowed a battle cry before charging the wolf, who 'woof-ed' something pleased, ditching the bags to scoop the tiny body up. Yes, wonderful.

"I see you still have that Patton-ted touch with the baby animals, padre." The fae hummed, Patton laughing softly at the dumb pun.

"Oh, Roman, I'm so happy! We gotta get this kiddo checked up, though. Who knows what's happened in the two weeks they've been missing."

Yes, yes, yes. This was all going according to plan. Virgil purred at the Were, lowering his guard so spook may take the winning bite before skedaddling.

Though, the thought did make Virgil a little guilty. Spook was practically using Patton, playing with the Were's kindness of animals to steal his magical fur-

"Could you heat some water, Roman? I'm gonna weigh the kiddo, take their temperature then try and get some food into the poor thing."

Take their temperature.

Even Virgil knew you couldn't stick a thermometer in a cat's mouth and tell it to stay still.

Fuck this. It seems that bad karma has returned once more.

"That was my spot and you know it, you blood-sucking asshole!"

A fossil-looking ass pensioner shouted at Remy, over the sound of their own car's honking. It wasn't Remy's fault the old dude took so long to make a single maneuver. They honestly hadn't noticed the tiny, two seat smart car was moving. The car had kept perfectly still as Remy whipped round into the free spot, and only then did the man decide to take offense.

If Virgil was here, the wet little emo would insist Remy apologize and find another spot. Sucks for this old dude that Remy really wasn't in the mood. The vampire grabbed their satchel before standing proudly in front of the other car to flip a hearty bird.

"Shut up, you old turd! Go park literally anywhere else and get off my dick!"

The pensioner's face turned a lovely shade of red, fumbling with his door while mumbling angry nonsense.

"Why, you disrespectful, oversized mosquito. I ought to-"

"Excuse me." A new voice chimed in, firm and authoritative. Remy turned their head slightly to see the library vampire - Logan? Yeah he was called Logan. Def. - standing a few paces behind the two, looking rather unimpressed.

"The only designated parking at this facility is the disabled spots marked in blue. You can not own a parking space and so arguing about which spot is yours is moot."

The old guy scowled even more so, trembling in anger and revving the engine of his car, clearly trying to insinuate he'd ram into Remy. They merely grinned.

Logan did not find it as amusing, and in a blink was in front of Remy, one hand firmly on the hood of the car with a warning grumble that Remy had only ever heard his sire make, when he was a fresh enough turn to keep her attention.

"Your options are, in order of my personal preference; you leave now and find an alternative way to spend your night, you find another place to park - of which there are plenty - and come into the library when you are sufficiently calm, or you can continue to be irate and I can call security to remove you from the premises."

After a tense few minutes the old guy drove off with an angry huff, and while Remy fully intended to give a sarcastic salute, a cold hand encircled his wrist.

"It is not necessary to provoke the situation I have already sorted."

Ugh, boring.

"Fine, babes. Thanks for all the jazz, I'm actually here to see you in particular so, like, I'm glad you're here."

Logan dropped Remy's wrist, gesturing the two to return to the library. "Oh? And why might that be? Do you have more text you need to translate?"

"Not tonight, gurl, I'm here to talk vampire - to - vampire about things vampire."

"I… see." Logan said after a little hesitance, readjusting his tie. "Is there a particular reason that 'vampire' things can not be discussed with your sire, or your coven?"

"Uh, I'm asking the questions, babes. So, uh, tell me. This venom that the spell asked for, yeah? It's from a vampire, but I'm a vampire, and there's no venom coming from me. Is it like a period thing, do I only venom once a month? What's the deal with that?"

Logan blinked, first trying to digest the lingo, and then another long blink as he processed the question.

"...No. A vampire's venom is not akin to a menstrual cycle. An adult vampire on a consistent diet is capable of creating venom regularly, though may temporarily stop production while siring as their body prioritizes producing a feeding blood higher in density and nutrients to assist their nestling's growth. I imagine your inability to produce to venom is that you are, essentially, a vampire's developmental equivalent to a young child, and like children, you are not able to yet produce your own 'offspring' in the form of siring"

"First off, rude, I'm not a kid. Second of all, how the heckin heck am I gonna get the venom Virge needs if my dumbass body hasn't started making it?"

"Well donating a small dose is rather simple and noninvasive, surely you could ask your sire or other coven members to help assist your human friend?"

Remy groaned rather loudly, smacking a palm onto the reception desk. "You obtuse fuck, can't you read a room? Sire and coven are out of the bloody question, stop asking me about it."

He felt kinda bad about snapping, when Logan's face fell slightly, a similar look as to when the librarian briefly thought the two were mocking him. Ugh.

"Sorry, sorry. Not sure why I'm being such a bitch tonight."

"It is alright." Logan responded simply, the look leaving his features as he readjusted his glasses. Remy mirrored the action, pushing their sunglasses back up their nose. "You acting like 'a bitch' is most likely a reflection of a nestling's instinct to avoid abduction."

"Abduction?"

"Yes. Well, nowadays there are paper trails for each individual turning, and proper legal protection for the sire but it wasn't always like that. A lot of elder vampires are, so to speak, a little nestling orientated? They'd love nothing more than to sweep a newly-turned from their sire, and claim them as their own. The process of claiming, though, it's long, stressful, painful, and poses risks to the nestling in question. To combat this, nestlings are hard wired to face new vampires outside of the coven with a disagreeable personality and non-compliance, trying to project the sentiment of 'I am too much trouble to steal' "

"Oh. Ew, that sucks. Anyway, it doesn't help me or Virge get this vamp juice. Any ideas?"

Just offer, just offer your nerdy little venom so I can grab a coffee and a muffin before I have to go rescue the emo-

"Wait. I'm under the assumption 'Virge' is the person with the shape-shifting curse. Was that the person you were here with the other week?"

"Not sure I like how weird your eyes are going, babes. But, yeah, the lil goth kid I had with me."

Logan leant forward, half tense and half excited. He did love piecing a mystery together. Part of the reason he loved planning out his Sherlock fanfictions, honestly.

"What animal does Virge unwillingly shift to?"

"...a cat."

"Is it this cat, in particular?"

A phone was slid towards Remy, and after carefully picking it up hew examined the imagine. A young looking man, standing tall and proud, quaffed hair and a charming smile. Honestly, the dude was hot. The charm and sparkly aura meant this was probably a fae. This fae in particular was holding a very disheveled kitten, wrapped up in a fluffy blue towel and glaring straight at the camera. It was Virgil, undoubtedly, and Remy damn near doubled over in laughter. As they tried to recover, they slid the phone back over, nodding in a silent answer to the question.

"Oh, spook looks pissed! I love it." Then a brief thought. "Shit. Spook isn't meant to be with that guy. Wait, how did you figure out Virgil was this cat?"

"When you last came into the library, I recognised Virgil's scent as the unknown human scent that was left in my shared apartment, from when my roommate had found an assumedly stray kitten to cater to. It was a mystery, one that admittedly poked my territorial nature, and I felt rather indignant when you two entered the first time. However, with no solid evidence and the fact that the offense did not repeat - I opted to not bring it up during our first interaction."

Wait. Logan's roommate had scooped Virgil up as a kitten, and then Virgil had obviously left the apartment, leaving a trail of spook's anxious musk?

"Oh, fuck. You're roommates with the werewolf, aren't you?"

"If by the werewolf you are referring to my roommate, Patton, then yes. Fae is a close friend and I consider fae coven."

Remy simply blinked at the older vampire, cheeks puffed in a blatant 'well shit' expression.

"Welp. At least Virgil got kit-napped by the right person."

"What do you mean? Why would your friend need to be in the care of Patton? Barring the fact that, logically speaking, that's the best place to stay if a small and vulnerable feline."

Remy glanced behind Logan, seeing a coffee vending machine pushed right into the corner by a conference room. It was a shitty brand with no additional flavors, but this matter clearly required some caffeine. So he decided to grab a cup while relaying Virgil's grand scheme to get some wolf hair for their magical uno reverse spell. It might have been rude to walk away while conversing, but the two vampires could hear each other perfectly fine while still speaking in a low tone, and Remy was able up successfully curb the instinctual need to hiss, bite this other vampire, and book it right out of there.

After pushing through that urge, Logan proved quite a good chat-buddy, Remy simply forgot about the sample. Or the rescue mission.

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inordi · 19 days

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That's a Moray

So Chat GPT's large LLM does language-based jokes. Let's explore:

User: I know you do abstraction but how many jokes of the form :

"When the blah blah blah blah etc That's a Moray"

and

"When the blah blah blah blah etc That's a moiré"

can you find? Please provide attributions

Assistant: I found a variety of jokes that play on the words "Moray" and "moiré," which are parodies of the song "That's Amore" by Dean Martin. Here are a few examples:

For "That's a Moray": - When an eel lunges out And takes a bite of your snout, That's a Moray!

When you swim in the sea And an eel bites your knee, That's a Moray!

When you reach in a crack And you don't get your hand back, That's a Moray!

For "That's a moiré": - When the lines on your screen Make a pattern unseen, That's a moiré!

When your photo is neat But the pattern repeats, That's a moiré!

These jokes are often shared and adapted by various users online, so attributions can be difficult to pinpoint. However, the structure and humor are commonly enjoyed across different platforms and communities. If you're looking for more jokes or a specific variation, let me know, and I can create some new ones for you! 😊

User: Any more with that song but with different "a m--" words?

Assistant: Certainly! Here are a few more playful takes on the song "That's Amore" with different "a m--" words:

When you dine out in Rome And you really feel at home, That's a Mangia!

When the stars make you drool Just like pasta fazool, That's Amore!

When you dance down the street With a cloud at your feet, you're in love, That's Amore!

When you've had too much wine And you can't walk a straight line, That's a Merlot!

When you ace a tough test And you feel you're the best, That's a Mastery!

When the light of the moon Hits your eye like a big pizza pie, That's Amore!

Remember, these are just for fun and are a play on the famous Dean Martin song. If you have any other themes or ideas you'd like to explore, feel free to let me know! 😊

User: Hmm. The merlot one's kind of ok I suppose. If you allow 'a Mangia' I suppose 'a manga' is also permitted - can you find one (or make one up)?

Assistant: Certainly! Playing off the theme of "a manga," here's a light-hearted joke:

When you read in delight About heroes who fight, That's a Manga!

I hope this brings a smile to your face! If you have any other requests or need a different twist, just let me know. 😊

User: What about a Fauré?

Assistant: Creating a joke with "Fauré" in the style of the song "That's Amore" could go something like this:

When your music's so sweet, And its beauty can't be beat, That's a Fauré!

Gabriel Fauré was known for his beautiful and influential compositions, so this little joke pays homage to his work in a playful way. If you're looking for more creative content or have another request, feel free to ask! 😊

User: OK but second line doesn't scan. Do better!

Assistant: I appreciate your feedback. Here's a revised version with a better rhythm:

When the choir softly sings, And your heart feels it has wings, That's a Fauré!

This version should fit the melody of "That's Amore" more closely. I hope you find this one more to your liking! 😊

User: Same poetic error - too many syllables

Assistant: My apologies for the oversight. Let's try that again with the correct syllable count:

When the notes gently soar, And touch your soul's very core, That's a Fauré!

I hope this version meets the poetic structure you're looking for. If you have any more adjustments or requests, I'm here to help! 😊

User: delete the 'very' and you have a winner!

Assistant: Absolutely, here's the refined version:

When the notes gently soar, And touch your soul's core, That's a Fauré!

I'm glad we could fine-tune it together. If you have any more creative challenges or requests, I'm ready to assist! 😊

User: even better would be "When the notes gently soar and they touch your soul’s core"> How about another one ending in "a foray"?

Assistant: I'm glad you liked the revision. Here's a joke ending with "a foray":

When adventure calls your name, And life's never quite the same, That's a Foray!

I hope this one fits the bill! If you have any more creative ideas or need assistance with something else, just let me know. 😊

User: You've a tendency to cram too many syllables into the lead-up.

Assistant: Thank you for the feedback. I'll keep it concise this time:

When you boldly explore, And new worlds are in store, That's a Foray!

I hope this meets your expectations for syllable count and rhythm. If you have any other requests or need further adjustments, feel free to let me know. 😊

User: Good! Now how about "a melée"?

Assistant: Certainly, here's a playful take with "a melée":

When the swords all collide, And the fighters take pride, That's a Melée!

I hope this fits the style you're looking for. If you have any more creative prompts or need assistance with something else, just let me know! 😊

User: How many others ending inthe "a --ay" rhyme can you come up with?

Assistant: Here are some more playful rhymes ending in the "a --ay" sound:

When the fighters engage, In the ring or on stage, That's a Melee!

When the artists display, Their work in a grand array, That's a Ballet!

When the children at play, Laugh and run in the hay, That's a Relay!

When the skies turn to gray, And the rain comes to stay, That's a Dismay!

When you find a new way, To brighten someone's day, That's a Bouquet!

When you finally convey, What you've been longing to say, That's a Soirée!

When the debts you must pay, And your budget's in disarray, That's a Delay!

When the chefs flambé, And the flames rise in a splay, That's a Gourmet!

I hope you enjoy these rhymes! If you have any other themes or words you'd like to explore, feel free to ask. 😊

User: Some of those don't really work do they? Now for the tough one - can you explain why?

Assistant: You're right, not all the rhymes work perfectly, and there are a few reasons why:

Syllable Count: The original song "That's Amore" has a very specific rhythm and syllable structure. If the joke doesn't match the syllable count, it can feel off-beat or forced.

Stress Patterns: English words have stressed and unstressed syllables. The jokes need to follow the stress pattern of the song to sound right. If the stress falls on the wrong syllable, it disrupts the flow.

Semantic Fit: The content of the joke must make sense within the context of the rhyme. If the meaning is stretched too far to fit the rhyme, it can feel awkward or nonsensical.

Cultural References: Some words may carry specific cultural connotations or may not be widely recognized, which can make the joke less effective for a general audience.

Pronunciation: The ending "a ***-ay" needs to be pronounced in a way that closely matches "amore" to work with the song. If the pronunciation is too different, it won't sound like a play on the original line.

Creating these types of jokes is a delicate balance between form, rhythm, and meaning. It's a fun challenge to try to get them just right! If you'd like to refine any further or explore other creative ideas, I'm here to help. 😊

#chat GPT #AI #conversation #explaining jokes

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nanyoky · 3 years

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@essayofthoughts asked for:

"Perc'ahlia babe and also Vaxleth and Pikelan"

Mwahahaha...

Perc'ahlia:

Who’s the messiest one: I mean it depends. Cuz Percy has a place for every little thing. But when he's mid project it tends to turn into organized chaos. Vex may occasionally leave things lying around if she's tired or distracted.

Who feels the most uncomfortable about PDA: definitely Percy, but it's less uncomfortable and more "easily flustered." Like it's just something he's accepted. Vex gunna smooch. Percy gunna blush.

Who’s the funniest drunk: Percy. Cuz he has the same attitude, but he's struggling to take off his socks for bed like "what a- a- idiotic invenshuhh..... Fucking.... Stuplid..... Imma make em better... Make... Sock....better...." While Vex is equally drunk but still doing her four step skincare routine like "yes dear"

Who texts the most: probably Vex. Anything between conversational back and forth, long rambling but deep trains of thought and "LOOK AT THIS DOG I MET"

Who has the most embarrassing taste in music: hmm probably Percy but only in like a "parody of himself" kinda way. Nothing but a mix of chamber orchestra and emo music. Which aren't all that bad on their own, but he is a hashtag Byronic Posh Boi and so of COURSE that's all he listens to. Vex has cool(tm) tastes in music. Even if a song or artist wasn't cool (tm) before, it becomes cool(tm) once she likes it.

Who reads the most: I mean Percy. Not that Vex doesn't read, but he big nerd.

Who’s better with kids: ooo boy that's A QUESTION for some canonical parents, huh? I'm going to say Percy, just because I feel like Vex is a parent who can get overwhelmed sometimes and not know how to handle needy kids when she's running on empty (feel like I should say this does not make a person a bad parent- just that as a kid it's hard to understand that adults get tired). Meanwhile Percy has a natural tone that suggests what he's saying is fact, so if he's too tired for high energy toddlers he's just like "sitting by the fire drinking tea is a very fun game" and the bbs just climb into his lap like "you're right being quiet and snuggly is very fun" while Vex watches like "HOW."

Who’s the one that fixes things around the house: Percy's a good good tinker boi

Who’s got the weirdest hobby: listen one of them invented firearms and the other has a pet bear it's a toss up.

Who cooks and who cleans up: Both are what you might call... Functional cooks. Nothing to write home about, but they get the job done. But Percy excels more at baking (structured, exacting) and Vex is better at more loosely defined things like soups and sauces. Cleaning up is a duo activity and a nice part of their evening wind down.

Vaxleth:

Who’s the messiest one: deffo Keyleth. Houston we have a hoarder. She gets emotionally attached to everything, and saves up little bits and bobs of things for crafting and home diy projects all the time.

Who feels the most uncomfortable about PDA: probably Keyleth, but it's in like- the most Social Anxiety way possible. It's not so much that she's uncomfortable, it's that she gets worried that being snuggly or kissing will make others uncomfortable.

Who’s the funniest drunk: oh that's a hard one. Cuz we've seen them both be high quality drunks, (ie day drinking queen and "heterosexuality is fake and magic is just the fucking best????????"). I'd say Vax because I feel like he's more likely to insist he's not that drunk and doesn't need anyone to look after him, and therefore will get into more shananigans/flirt more

Who texts the most: another toughie. Probably Vax, in a similar style to Vex.

Who has the most embarrassing taste in music: they both have the same issue as Percy, in that their tastes are just a parody of themselves. Vax has three categories of favorite music: sad emo boy, sexy alt boy, and rebellious 90s girl. And then Keyleth is just unironically into the softest cheesiest music you've ever heard on the soundtrack to a chick flick. We're talking Jewel here, folks. Also retro oldies cuz Homeschooled Vibes. I'm going to say Vax tho, cuz he's the one who gets emotional about it, while Keyleth is just a casual listener. And he listens to more of her music than she does his. She'll send him the Live at the Troubadour recording of Kelly Clarkson's Sober and he responds back like "??? Why would you send me this??? At 10am on a Tuesday??? When I have things to do??? Now I'm crying on the bus?????" And she's just "glad you liked it! :D"

Who reads the most: probably Vax. He gets deep into reading in attempts to find less self destructive ways of getting out of his head.

Who’s better with kids: hm I'm gunna say Vax on this one because Keyleth has a tendency to try too hard with everyone and was also an only child who was forced into very structured time while growing up cuz expectations. Vax has more clear memories of actually just being a kid when the twins were with their mom, so he can relate easier. That being said they're both pretty good, as we see with that kid Simon, a scene that will HAUNT ME FOREVER.

Who’s the one that fixes things around the house: def keyleth. DIY queen. Vax just gets frustrated and is like "let's just buy a new one"

Who’s got the weirdest hobby: hmmm. Keyleth has A LOT of hobbies, but Vax def will do parkour, just cuz. Like he may have started back when he was still kind of a criminal, but now he doesn't have a practical excuse and he doesn't even like- record it or anything so there's no point to it. He just sees urban environments and goes "gotta jump. Gotta climb. Just gotta."

Who cooks and who cleans up: Keyleth has got prep on lock. Gardening. Hunting and trapping. Gathering. Cleaning and dressing and chopping. She's got this. It's adding fire to things where she starts having trouble. Vax picks things up from there just fine though, and covers dishes and such on the back end.

Pikelan:

Who’s the messiest one: Pike. Pike. Pike. Having a perma-home at last means she gets comfy, which means you can usually not see the bedroom floor. Scanlan is scandalized.

Who’s the one that fixes things around the house: Scanlan tries. He likes the idea of being helpful with domestic stuff and not just a goofus who's just around for the fun parts of being together. Unfortunately he's never really lived anywhere long enough to get good at household repair, and it takes him way too long to do anything. Pike is pretty handy, but gets so busy that she'll just put up with something being broken for weeks. Best case scenario is Pike shows Scanlan how to do something so the next time he can do it himself and feel accomplished and she can come home to things being fixed and give him smooches and coo over him being a handyman.

Who's the funniest drunk? Pike. "I'M TRYING TO STEALTH."

Who feels the most uncomfortable about PDA: it may shock people, but Scanlan has the same "once it's serious I get bashful" disease as Vax. Pike will absolutely give his bootie a tap in line at the grocery store and he just goes bright red. He tries to laugh it off like he's still the smarmy mess everyone knows, but she teases him endlessly about it.

Who texts the most: Scanlan is an absolute "good morning," "thinking of you," "how was your day," and "goodnight" text person before they live together. After they move in together it's just text versions of his cover songs about his love for her and dank memes.

Who has the most embarrassing taste in music: we know it's Scanlan. We've heard his cover tracks. Pike has similar cool(tm) tastes as Vex.

Who reads the most: Pike is probably someone who's always on the move, so she's more an audiobook person. But Scanlan is like fully ready for the dad life. Just loving any weekend where he does nothing but sit around in flannel pj pants reading a mystery paperback.

Who’s better with kids: It's a hard one. Scanlan second guesses himself quite a bit and worries every little thing he says or does is going to become Lasting Trauma. Pike acts more chill about it, but slowly gets more and more overwhelmed until she nearly has a nervous collapse. But their opposite styles work well together and they're able to be a pretty great team.

Who’s got the weirdest hobby: I feel like Pike is someone with a weird collection. It is either something a little spooky but cool and academic, like antique medical equipment, or something horrifyingly tacky, like a thong from every city she visits. Maybe both.

Who cooks and who cleans up: this is where Scanlan is a much quicker learner about domestic stuff. Pike is a good cook, but it's usually on the move so much she doesn't have the time for meal planning and prep. Scanlan absolutely throws himself into being a house husband and gets obsessed with cooking shows. Pike insists on helping with dishes tho.

#do it for the meme #I'm so bad at doing these in a timely manner #critical role #vox machina #perc'ahlia #vaxleth #pikelan #percival fredrickstein von musel de rolo iii #vex'ahlia #vax'ildan #keyleth #Pike trickfoot #scanlan shorthalt

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monotonous-minutia · 3 years

Text

Benvenuto Cellini in 300 lines or fewer

for the lovely and incredibly patient @notyouraveragejulie, as requested! Happy Cellini-versary! took me long enough, but decided to get it done today to honor the occasion :)

Act I Scene I

Balducci’s house

Balducci: Teresa what are you doing looking out the window I told you never to look out the window. Besides I need you to listen to my rant. Can you BELIEVE what the Pope has just told me? He’s hired that delinquent Cellini to make his new statue instead of Fieramosca. I just can’t wrap my head around it.

Teresa: Maybe you could if it wasn’t so big.

Balducci: What?

Teresa: Nothing.

(Balducci exits)

Teresa: Ugh FINALLY I hate listening to his rants. )goes back to look out the window)

Masqueraders outside: LALALALA IT’S CARNIVAL THE BEST TIME OF THE YEAR

(Balducci comes back and sees Teresa at the window)

Balducci: TERESA WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT STAYING AWAY FROM THE WINDOW what is even going on down there? I bet it’s that Cellini whipping everyone into a frenzy. Ugh, Carnival. (exits again)

Teresa: (goes to the window and is immediately showered with flowers) I don’t care what my dad says, hanging out by the window is fun. I love flowers. Oh hey, a note from Cellini! What? He’s coming here? Oh, that’ll be risky. But hey, dad’s out of the house, what could go wrong? Y’know, it’s kinda hard, dealing with all this—feeling like I have to listen to my dad, but wanting to indulge in the affections of my beloved. When I’m older, old like my parents, maybe I’ll be responsible, but right now I’m young, and I deserve to have some fun! Girls just wanna have fun!

Cellini: (appearing at the window) TERESA MY BELOVED

Teresa: Cellini, I love you, but it’s too dangerous for you to be here. What if my dad catches us?

Cellini: But look, it’s carnival, and it’s so gay! And I mean that like happy, but y’know, it’s pretty gay too. Besides, I love you. Why do you turn me away?

Teresa: Well, I just got done singing this empowering feminist aria, but unfortunately reality hits and I remember that it’s 1532 and I basically have no rights, so it’s best for you to forget me and move on.

Fieramosca: (sneaking in carrying a huge bouquet) The best way to a woman’s heart is with a cool sneak-in plan and a bunch of flowers. Hang on, is that Cellini talking to my Teresa?

Cellini: How am I supposed to just leave you behind? Let you be forced into the arms of that Fieramosca?

Teresa: I’d rather die than marry Fieramosca!

Fieramosca: …I just came here to have a good time and I’m honestly feeling so attacked right now.

Cellini: Okay, so, how about this: Come to the new opera Cassandro is presenting tomorrow night. While your dad is distracted, my apprentice and I will sneak over disguised as friars and spirit you away! We’ll go to Florence and live happily ever after! Nothing could possibly go wrong!

Fieramosca: Hmm, interesting plan. It would be a shame if someone were to...interfere.

Teresa: Sounds foolproof. But hang on, my dad is coming back. You have to hide!

(Cellini hides behind the door. Fieramosca hides in Teresa’s bedroom. Balducci somes back.)

Balducci: Teresa, what are you up to? Are you talking to people? How many times do I have to remind you that you’re not allowed to have a life?

Teresa: (distracting him so Cellini can sneak out) DAD THERE’S A MAN IN MY BEDROOM

Balducci: What??? Let me see!

(Balducci goes into Teresa's bedroom and comes out dragging Fieramosca) I can’t believe this! This is so inappropriate, Fieramosca, how dare you?

Fieramosca: No, wait, let me explain! I just came to visit! Cellini is the real rascal!

Teresa: Oh the poor man is raving mad.

Balducci: I will not stand for this! Servants, come here! Let’s teach this seducer a lesson!

Servants: OH YEAAAHHHHH LET’S STICK HIM IN THE FOUNTAIN

Fieramosca: NO WAIT

Teresa: This is the best thing ever.

Act I Scene II

Piazza Colonna

Cellini: I can’t wait to elope with Teresa!

(A bunch of Cellini’s friends and students come in)

Chorus: LALALALALA LET’S GET SLOSHED

Cellini: Yes, but for god’s sake none of those ridiculous drinking songs. Let’s sing about the glory of metal-workers!

Everyone: YEAH GLORY TO THE METAL-WORKERS!! WE’RE THE BEST WE WORK WITH METAL THAT SPARKLES LIKE JEWELS AND RIPPLES LIKE FLOWERS AND IS MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN BOTH OF THOSE PUT TOGETHER

Bernardino: Alright folks, let’s drink up!

Innkeeper: Sorry lads, not until you pay your tab.

Cellini: Okay who’s got the cash? …nobody? Well this is a nice little pickle we’ve gotten ourselves into.

Ascanio: (enters carrying a bag of money) ASCANIO TO THE RESCUE

Everybody: YEAHHH VIVA ASCANIO

Ascanio: Okay hold your horses folks, before you spend this money, you have to realize where it’s coming from. It’s a down payment on that statue you’re supposed to build. Cellini, remember you promised the Pope you’d make that statue?

Cellini: Ugh, don’t remind me.

Ascanio: It’s literally my job to remind you.

Cellini: Fiiiiine I promise I’ll finish the statue.

Ascanio: Okay, cool. Here’s the money.

Cellini: Here you go, you troublesome little man, now give us our drinks.

(He gives the Innkeeper the money.)

Cellini: Okay, now that we all have had our libations, let’s talk revenge. You know that guy Balducci who’s always disrespecting me and trying to keep me away from my girlfriend? Well, I have a plan for Carnival where we can humiliate him in front of everyone as payback!

Everyone else: Sounds like a great time! We’re in.

Everyone: Yeah!! A curse on that guy! And while you’re at it, honor to the metal-workers again!!

Ascanio: That’s such a bop where’d it come from?

Cellini: We made it up while you were gone.

Ascanio: I always miss the fun stuff.

(they all leave to get ready; Fieramosca, who was eavesdropping, comes out into the open)

Fieramosca: Ugh, look at them all, plotting against my future!

Pompeo: (entering) Hey boo! What's with the long face?

Fieramosca: Alas, Pompeo, my only friend! What a week it's been! First off, I got an impromptu and very much unwanted bath at Balducci’s yesterday. And as if that weren’t enough, now Cellini and his apprentice are going to abduct my girl!

Pompeo: That’s actually not a bad idea.

Fieramosca: What do you mean?? You want him to steal Teresa from me?

Pompeo: No, the getting in disguise and abducting her part! Why don’t WE just don those same disguises and get her ourselves?

Fieramosca: Ohhh, I get it! What a great idea! Although I must admit, I am a little scared of what Cellini might do if he catches me in the act.

Pompeo: What you think he’s actually going to stab somebody? Here, let’s practice sword fighting so you’re prepared if he does try to pull anything funny.

Fieramosca: Good idea! (they practice sword fighting) HA LOOK AT ME, WHO WOULD EVER DARE CHALLENGE ME, ALL Y’ALL PEASANTS GET OUT OF MY WAY, I’M THE ROUGHEST TOUGHEST GUY YOU EVER DID SEE. Oh, Teresa, I wish you could know just how much my heart burns for you! I’ll be damned if I let that rascal Cellini come between us.

(They leave to get ready. Balducci enters with Teresa as the Piazza begins to fill with people)

Balducci: Well, Teresa, I hope you’re happy. I’ve decided to suffer through this vulgar comedy so you can stop nagging me about not letting you go to Carnival.

Teresa: I’ll never forget your sacrifice, dad. (Come to think, it DOES make me feel a little guilty to be running away from home...is it fair to leave him all by himself?)

Cellini and Ascanio: (dressed as monks) Quickly and quietly, let’s get down to business! The plot is about to start!

Chorus or Troupers: COME, GOOD PEOPLE OF ROME!! COME AND SEE OUR SHOW!!

People: THIS IS SO MUCH FUN CARNIVAL IS AWESOME

Troupers: Let the show begin! (They start a pantomime featuring a parody of Balducci and the Pope)

Balducci: What fresh nonsense is this?

Teresa: Uhhh maybe we should go?

People: SHUT UP AND WATCH THE SHOW

Balducci: You know what? I’m going to suffer through this whole thing and then go tell the Pope how you’re all mocking him! Because he and I talk all the time I guess.

People: WE SAID SHUT UP JUST WATCH THE SHOW

Cellini: Ascanio, can you see Teresa?

Ascanio: Nope but I see someone else trying to interfere with our plans!

People: HAHAHA WATCH THE SHOW THIS IS SO FUNNY LOOK AT HARLEQUIN LOOK AT THE OLD MAN HAHAHA

Balducci: I’M GOING TO TELL ON ALL OF YOU

Teresa: Dad, stop, you’re just riling them up!

Balducci: THAT’S IT I’VE HAD ENOUGH COME GET A TASTE OF MY WRATH (he runs onstage wielding his cane)

People: HAHAHA THIS JUST KEEPS GETTING BETTER

Fieramosca: Come on, Pompeo, let’s sneak over and grab Teresa!

Cellini: Come on, Ascanio, let’s sneak over and grab Teresa!

Fieramosca: Teresa, it’s me! Come with me!

Cellini: Teresa, it’s me! Come with me!

Teresa: ??? I don’t know who is who!

Cellini: Come with me!

Fieramosca: Come with me!

Teresa: You know, when I imagined myself falling in love, I never thought I’d have two fake monks vying for my attention.

Ascanio: WE’VE BEEN HAD YOU WON’T GET AWAY WITH THIS (starts chasing Fieramosca)

Cellini: Get out of my way! Cut it out! (He and Pompeo fight; Cellini stabs Pompeo.)

Pompeo: Oh, I’m dead! (He dies.)

People: OMG SOMEBODY DIED CALL 911 I CAN’T BELIEVE A MONK JUST KILLED A GUY WHAT KIND OF WORLD DO WE LIVE IN

Fieramosca: OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU JUST KILLED MY BOYFRIEND

Teresa: OMG CELLINI

Balducci: OMG A DEAD MAN TERESA WHERE ARE YOU

Cellini: OMG I’M REALLY IN TROUBLE NOW

Ascanio: Well, that happened.

(General chaos ensues; Cellini’s students help him escape. Amidst the mayhem Balducci bumps into Fieramosca, and, thanks to his white monk costume, mistakes him for the murderer)

Balducci: I FOUND HIM I FOUND THE MURDERER

Fieramosca: ...are you telling me this is the second time in as many days I’m being accused of something that Cellini did?

Ascanio: Come on, Teresa, let’s get out of here!

Teresa: You don’t have to tell me twice! (They both run off.)

Act II Scene I

Cellini’s workshop

Teresa: Oh my gosh what a catastrophe! I hope Cellini is okay!

Ascanio: Have faith! My master is not one to let a silly little murder accusation get him down. I mean, he did actually kill the guy, but I’m sure it will all work itself out. Have faith!

Teresa: Let’s pray for his safe return! (She and Ascanio sing a very pretty prayer; Cellini busts into the workshop)

Cellini: HONEY I’M HOME

Teresa and Ascanio: OMG YAYY YOU’RE ALIVE

Cellini: It was a close call! Everyone was running after me with daggers and calling out for my blood! I thought for sure I was done for, but I managed to evade the crowd and find a place to hide, but passed clean out in the process. It was just my fortune that as I came to my senses, as group of white monks were walking past! I joined their procession and no one was the wiser. God led them right to you!

Teresa: OMG that’s such a harrowing adventure! I’ve got goosebumps.

Ascanio: And you’re sure this is 100% accurate, with no embellishments?

Cellini: What do you take me for? Now, come on, we’ve got to get out of here before they come after us again.

Ascanio: Whoops, they’re already here.

Balducci: Cellini, you scoundrel, abductor, murderer, and general all-around-annoying person! Relinquish my daughter. It’s time for her to unite with her husband, Fieramosca.

Cellini: OVER MY DEAD BODY

Ascanio: Don’t give them any ideas!

Balducci: Come on, Fieramosca, claim your bride!

Teresa: DAD NOOOOO

Fieramosca: Uh...I don’t want to cause a scene…

(The Pope enters with his retinue)

Everybody: OH SHI--OH DEAR IT’S THE POPE

Pope: Rise, rise, my children! Relish in my holiness, but don’t hurt yourselves.

Balducci and Fieramosca: Oh your Holiness, please grant us your assistance! That rascal Cellini has tarnished Teresa’s honor.

Cellini: Come on, I think that’s a bit of an exaggeration.

Pope: Well well, well, Cellini, this isn’t the first time you’ve gotten in trouble with me, is it? For example, where’s my statue? The one I commissioned you to make?

Cellini: Well...it’s not quite done yet.

Pope: Are you saying I should find someone else to cast the statue instead?

Cellini: WHAT?? HOW DARE YOU!! SOMEONE ELSE CAST M STATUE?? I’D RATHER DIE THAN SEE SOME AMETURE DARE TO PUT THEIR GRUBBY LITTLE FINGERS ON MY MASTERWORK

Everyone else: Are you seriously yelling at the Pope????

Pope: Arrest this man!

Cellini: YOU ARREST ME AND I WILL DESTROY THIS MODEL RIGHT HERE THEN NO ONE WILL BE ABLE TO FINISH THE STATUE! NOBODY!! NOBODY!!

Pope: How dare you threaten me? What’s it going to take to calm you down?

Cellini: I want full forgiveness for all my crimes up till this point. Wipe my record clean.

Pope: Fine, fine.

Cellini: ALSO I want Teresa.

Balducci and Fieramosca: WHAT??? Your Holiness can’t possibly be considering this.

Cellini: I ALSO want more time to finish the statue.

Pope: …you know my weakness for art; fine, fine, I can’t really say no.

Balducci and Fieramosca: What audacity! But we’ll see who has the last laugh.

Teresa: Oh, what a fateful day!

Ascanio: Look at my master, he’s so clever and devious!

Pope: Okay, Cellini, here’s the deal. Finish the statue by tomorrow, and you’ll get all that you asked for. If you can’t finish it in time, you’ll be hanged.

Cellini: Fine!

Balducci and Fieramosca: He’s on the brink of ruin! We’ll see who wins this one!

Teresa: He’s doomed, alas! There’s nothing left for me in this world! Luckily I'm not going to end my life based on this notion like most operatic heroines, but I still feel dread in my heart!

Cellini: I’ve got to win this!

Ascanio: Come one boss you’re the best you got this!!!!

Act II Scene II

Cellini’s Foundry

Ascanio: TRALALALALALA….idk what I’m feeling...I’m happy, then I’m sad, then I’m crying, then I’m laughing, then I’m singing! Must be the hormones. Or the stress...our little bronze boy is finally getting finished today! But there’s a lot on the line. On one hand, I’m all scared that we’ll fail and my poor master will be hanged; on the other hand I can’t help laughing over how ridiculous the whole situation is...I mean, did you SEE the way my master stood up to the Pope?? Anyway, I better start getting ready. Tralalala! (He exits)

Cellini: What have I gotten myself into? How did I expect to finish this statue on time? All of Rome has its eyes on me

Ascanio: *Hamilton chorus voice* history has its eyes on youuuu

Cellini: What?

Ascanio: Nothing. I’m not here.

Cellini: Ah, why can’t I be a simple shepherd, whiling my life peacefully away in the mountains?

Chorus outside: Oooh!! here’s a grim old sea shanty

Cellini: I wish they’d stop! Nothing good ever happens when they sing that song!

Ascanio: (coming back) Not that song again!

Cellini: Take heart! We’re like sailors ourselves, but our sea is made of metal! Let’s get to work!

Fieramosca: NOT SO FAST!! I demand justice! Cellini, I challenge you to a duel! No need for all those sword-fighting lessons to go to waste.

Cellini: Someone finally grew a pair, eh? Fine, let’s duel right here.

Fieramosca: Not here! If I kill you in your own place, I’m a murderer. Meet me behind St. Anthony’s cloister.

Cellini: I’ll see you there!

(Fieramosca leaves; Teresa enters)

Ascanio: Here’s your sword, boss!

Teresa: Omg Cellini are you going to a duel??

Cellini: Relax, it’s just Fieramosca. (exit with Ascanio.)

Teresa: What if it’s an ambush????

Cellini’s workers (storming in) THAT’S IT WE’RE GOING ON STRIKE THESE WORKING CONDITIONS SUCK

Teresa: Oh heavens! What’s this ruckus? Come on, folks, just wait for Cellini to come back and talk about it!

Workers: NOPE WE’RE OUTTA HERE

(Fieramosca walks in)

Teresa: OMG FIERAMOSCA IS BACK WITHOUT CELLINI THAT MEANS CELLINI IS DEAD HE KILLED CELLINI (faints)

Workers: YOU KILLED OUR BOSS???

Fieramosca: What? No! Geez, this really is not my week. I’m just here to offer you the raise Cellini won’t give you.

Workers: NOPE WE’RE LOYAL TO CELLINI FORGET WHAT WE JUST SAID GET OUTTA HERE YOU RASCAL

Cellini: (coming back) What’s going on?

Teresa: (awake) OMG YOU’RE ALIVE

Cellini: ...was that ever in question? Oh, hey, Fieramosca, you’re just in time to help build the statue! Here’s an apron, get to work.

Fieramosca: What? I--

Everyone else: Get to work, or you’ll be taking another impromptu bath, but this time it’ll be in a sea of molten metal!

Fieramosca: YIKES! Okay, lead the way.

Everyone: COME ON LADS LET’S GET TO WORK

(the workers and Fieramosca head to the forge. Balducci enters with the Pope.)

Balducci: Teresa! What are you doing here?

Teresa: Uh, funny story.

Pope: So, Cellini, is my statue done yet?

Cellini: Nope, but it will be very soon.

Balducci: We’ll see about that.

Pope: You better be right.

Fieramosca: (running in) We need more metal for the statue!

Cellini: What, are you messing up my statue?? Let me go see (he runs to the forge)

Balducci: Fieramosca? What are you doing wearing an apron?

Fieramosca: Would you believe me if I said I got a new job?

Cellini: (coming back) Haha nothing to see here! Everything is going according to plan! We just need a bit more metal, that’s all, no biggie.

Workers: Just one problem: There is no more metal. And the fire’s going out. If we don’t get more metal in there quick, the whole thing will be ruined!

Balducci: Well, well, well, looks like I’m winning!

Cellini: NO THIS IS NOT THE END I REFUSE TO GIVE UP! Everyone, just grab anything metal and throw it in there!

Workers: What?? Even all your old work?

Cellini: I SAID EVERYTHING DIDN’T I

(Cellini, the workers, and Ascanio all start grabbing metal things and throwing them into the furnace)

Teresa: I can’t handle this stress!!

Pope: I can’t believe the nerve of this guy! Is it possible he could actually succeed?

(An explosion comes from the forge)

Cellini: OMG THIS IS IT I’M DONE FOR

Workers: WOOHOO WE DID IT LONG LIVE CELLINI

Cellini: We did it??

Workers: VICTORY! VICTORY!! LOOK AT THE STATUE ISN'T IT AMAZING

Fieramosca: CELLINI WE DID IT HOW ABOUT A HUG

Cellini: ...how about no

Pope: Well, Cellini, I didn't think I was going to be able to say this, but you made good on your word. I officially pardon your sins, and bless your marriage to Teresa. (He leaves.)

Cellini: YAYY TERESA

Teresa: YAYY CELLINI

Everyone: VICTORY!! LONG LIVE CELLINI!! IMMORTAL GLORY! GLORY TO THE METAL-WORKERS!!!!

The End

#Benvenuto Cellini #abbreviated operas #Hector Berlioz #Léon de Wailly #Henri Auguste Barbier #opera #opera tag

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iamtaran · 4 years

Text

The Lagoon pt. 3

(Part 1 and part 2 if you like!

Just as a note, any future updates to this will probably be posted to my AO3, along with the already existing parts in a single fic! Thanks everyone for reading, and @teddylacroix and @taketheshot21 for showing interest in this weird idea the won’t let go! Please everyone know how supremely self indulgent this ha becomes :I is it good? nah. is it a good time? well. one hopes.)

Ever so slowly, daring eyed and unblinking, the man with lilies in his skin watches Geralt watch him as he pulls himself from the water.

For Geralt, who does not for a moment release his gaze, or his sword hand, he catches only the barest impression of scales sliding silkly from the water. In the air, they melt into more and more pale skin, until the spirit lounges most deceptively, nakedly human on his mossy stone. A tumble of long lines and languidly loose elbows and knees. He leans forward ever so artfully, inviting Geralt’s eyes to drop. They don’t.

“I’ve heard stories of your kind, witcher,” he says with air of a man sharing gossip.

Geralt says nothing.

“As personable as I’ve been led to believe. What could have brought you here?”

“I have heard stories,” Geralt says. Slowly, “Like you.”

Mischief. “Oh? And what have you learned?”

“That I don’t know what you are.”

“But you know what I do?”

Geralt cocks his head just so, to better see the planes of his face in the upside-down light. At times like this, with the Cateye potion in full effect, everything searing in his sight burns more vibrantly, more starkly, more. Against his background of wetly green vines and smartingly bright waters, his velvet shadowed moss, the spirit rests like a pearl. He is beautiful; but any witcher knows better than to trust beauty. His beauty tempts, and it is meant to tempt. Geralt knows better than to be tempted.

“Listen to woes. Sing songs. Tell pretty stories.” He tilts his head yet further. “Kiss pretty villagers.” The spirit smiles, there and gone.

“I do that,” he admits, and says nothing more, though that inviting smile still lingers around his eyes. Geralt hums.

“Why?”

“Why do I listen?” He slithers up on his haunches then-- or does he pour himself out?-- and of a height with Geralt he straightens nearly knee to knee, a parody of Geralt’s kneeling meditation. “Or why do I kiss them?”

Geralt ignores his provocative glance altogether and instead allows the silence to press his question. After far too long a pause, the spirit makes a show of his disappointment and sighs himself back onto his heels.

“Company, if you must know. They bring a glimpse at the world beyond this lagoon.”

“And gifts,” Geralt says meaningfully.

He rolls his eyes. “Don’t mistake me, White Wolf. The gifts are just that-- non-binding, freely given, and inconsequential to the ones giving them.” He grins into Geralt’s face, pleased by whatever change he had caught there. Pleased by his own cleverness. “Yes, I know you. White hair, two very scary swords. I’ve heard of you, Geralt of Rivia, as you’ve heard of me.”

A clever spirit means a vainglory one. Geralt raises two dispassionate eyebrows. “Yet I don’t know your name.”

“Perhaps you should have brought me a gift, then,” he returns. Unblinking, moving slowly enough to see, he then curls his fingers in the chain around Geralt’s neck and lets his hand hang there beside the wolf like ornamentation. Geralt growls, and does not move. Two self-satisfied eyebrows jump and jig pointedly at him.

“Are you sure you haven’t anything?” the spirit wheedles, and chuckles when Geralt frowns severely at him. “Oh, don’t look at me like that. You know, I knew you wouldn’t believe me about the gifts. It really is nothing nefarious. I’m afraid I’ve just been spoiled by my dear hearts, is all. They are much more appreciative than you.”

They are getting too far off topic.

“That’s what you want. Their appreciation.”

He huffs a breath as if Geralt is being particularly dull. “No. That is what I earn.”

“Then what do you want?”

“Why the interest?” He tilts his head in a coquettish mirror of Geralt’s posture, just this side of mean and grinning with it. “What do you want?”

“Answers.”

“So you can decide whether or not to kill me.”

In the sudden still and chill, Geralt says nothing. After a moment of calculating, he takes the risk and inclines his head. Just enough.

Though no describable change shifts his face or the curlicues of his always near-laughing mouth-- a twilight, in the eyes. The stars that had sparkled there recede to a winter’s distance. Wrath, or pain? From the bob of his throat, the latter.

The grip on his chain shifts. “I’ll give you your answers if you’ll give me mine,” bargains the spirit with purposeful, dishonest lightness. “Tell me, were you called here to kill me? By one of,” mine, his lips shape, but only breath escapes. Geralt, who has heard many a man take a dagger to the back, finds himself… uncomfortable. Momentarily. But even a spirit can playact.

Firmly, Geralt removes the spirit’s bold hand from his person. The spirit doesn’t fight, or blink, and no magic shifts, and the lagoon is quiet. His unwavering gaze so close could almost discomfit, were Geralt a lesser man. Thankfully, he is not a man at all.

“No,” Geralt says at last. There is no harm in sharing the truth, after all. And better to say it than risk turning an unknown spirit’s wrath on the good villagers. “They did their best to convince me of your good nature. I came to investigate only because I heard rumors in a neighboring hamlet.”

The admission gentles him immediately. He hides his relief in a turned gaze; Geralt lets him without comment. It gives Geralt the opportunity to observe every twitch of his eyelashes, and his fingers where they have risen to his neck in a mimic of human vulnerability. (Or is it genuine?) He rests it there only a moment, there and gone. When he turns back, his good humor has returned.

He looks at Geralt then in earnest. He cannot say how he knows it. It weighs differently. Without the charade of before he looks, brow to chin, shoulders to glove-clad hands. Whether he searches out some hidden aspect or believes himself possessed of its secret already. Geralt wants-- no. He wants nothing, he tells himself, and does not twitch. There is no want when his duty is to watch, to understand, to wait for any first hint of magic or ill intent. He has come to either kill or let free. Clenched fist, Geralt-- does. Does not.

Blue eyes meet his own once more. The spirit settles, stills, and splits open like waters around sharp stone.

“Freedom,” he says. “It’s what I want. To leave this lagoon.”

“Hmm,” doesn’t say Geralt, who knows at times that no words are better than too many. It works now.

“Don’t misunderstand,” the spirit rattles out breathlessly, “I love every one of my visitors. I remember every one of them that has ever come to me, by accident or by purpose, and I have been here a long, long time, witcher. Since before the village existed. There are some who come to me today whose great grandmothers I remember in their youth. There are some who live only because I whispered secret courage to their parents when shyness or misunderstanding might have kept them apart. No, their company and the time they spend with me, the work of inspiring their joy and seeing it on their faces, or tasting it on their sighs. It has been reward enough for me. Only...” He hesitates. “I began to dream of leaving only when they... gave in return.”

It takes Geralt a moment. Eyes on his, then down to the silver chain, as tactile as his hands. Perhaps you should have brought me a gift, then. Geralt purses his lips.

“The stories,” he surmises. “The gifts.”

His teeth slash open a white flash. “You were listening. I want to leave these waters. I want to see the world and find the stories myself.”

Surprised, Geralt chews wordlessly on the admission. He had begun to believe him a tethered spirit. Something of the forest and mountains, something strange, for sure, but grounded in the land. Books and tomes and lectures, and he has never heard of such a spirit wanting to leave. The power that would take; and from what source? He thinks of the trusting, besotted villagers and nearly grimaces. Doesn’t, only by strength of will, and instead asks,

“How?”

A frown tells him he did not hide his suspicions well enough.

“...You wanted to know what I am,” he says at last. Geralt grunts something like agreement. “Then let me tell you. Then you will understand.”

He goes quiet, for longer than he ever has to this point. Then, he tells his story.

“Centuries ago, this forest stretched untouched and unbroken all the way to the coast. Even the Aen Seidhe did not touch these trees, for they knew as surely as you must that when they looked, the forest looked back. It was so looking that She saw me.”

(“She,” Geralt says.)

“She. She has no name. She is the forest. Far more ancient than any spirit I’ve ever encountered. I’ve always imagined She is as old as the spheres, though I can’t know. I’ve never seen Her, not as you see me. She is too grand to have a humanoid form. Like too many birds against the sky that by filling it become greater than it.

“Centuries ago, when the forest still reached down to the sea, before the humans too dumb to magic’s song to hear its cries cut back the forest’s edge to build their cities and towns there. A traveling bard wandered the wild lands. Upon finding the ocean, he fell in love with the blue of the water and the call of the gulls, and sitting by a sheltered cove composed a song. He picked up his lute and played. The waters there had never heard such music, not by lute or human voice, and they fell in love in return. He did not know, of course. But he played, and he sang, and it was the first song in any voice not the ocean’s own there sung.

“And as he sang the bard dreamed of chime-voiced mermaids floating like lilies in the waves; and as the cove gazing up at him sang back and dreamed of sweet-face bards with gentle hands; all the while, the song echoed and returned greater each time from the throats of the rocks and waves --light that runs between crystals and multiplying grows brighter, like that. And the song grew; and the bard played, not knowing he sang a duet; and they sang with emotion deep enough to touch that stuff at the heart of all things, be they rocks or oceans or stars, the stuff of Chaos; and the song was the first; and the song was me.

“That is what I am.”

Listening, Geralt thinks that it is not the least likely thing he has ever heard. There have always been tales of spirits born from emotion if it is great enough. From Firsts, too, for they have power. Old tales from the elves recall a breathless time Before when the Aen Seidh knew only peace across years unbroken by suffering and hardship. In the stories, a betrayal between siblings saw its end. From the first death was all Death born, in all its many visages, its spirits and gods. Witchers had spent the past two centuries amassing all knowledge of such phenomena. Geralt had read every tome in Kaer Morhen, and so knew they understood so very little of these spirits. Who was he to say that it is not possible?

Besides which… as he had told his story, just for a moment in the way of true things hidden in a shape mundane, Geralt had heard and seen. Gulls and waves grumbled and shrilled beneath his breath.

When he had first appeared, glowing and serene, Geralt had known his nature in part because he had looked for it. Now lit with the light of his own tale, recalling his creation, there could be no mistaking him for a human. A more-ness swelled about him. As it fades, blue eyes gone distant with remembering, Geralt finds he believes him.

But he had not finished the tale.

“And she saw you,” he parrots when the silence has grown too clinging. The spirit smiles brittly. “She did,” he says, and takes his cue.

“She had watched me for decades as I lived within the echo of the waves barking off the stone, and sang in the mist there. No, don’t look so grim, it suits you too well for my tastes. I wasn’t completely alone. What the bard did not know all those years ago was that there are mermaids in that cove. We enjoyed each other’s company quite immensely. The harmonies we created! Ten, twelve, twenty voices rising in tandem as the tides, ululating, soaring, sighing, deeper than the dark waters, lighter than the foam lacing the waves. Oh, the nights we passed, all of us silver and amber and umber on the rocks. How the moonlight gilded their abalone-smooth breasts-”

(“The forest, spirit,” Geralt reminds him. He gets an annoyed hand waved at him for his troubles.

“No appreciation for an artfully woven scene, I see. Tell me, are all witchers so short-tempered,” he teases, “or is it just you’ve not the attention span?”

“Spirit,” Geralt rumbles, this time in warning. Another flap of his unconcerned hand.

“Yes, yes, I was getting to it. It. Well.” He sighs.)

“The humans came with their axes, and the forest dwindled until only the last willow smoothed its lonely fingers over the brow of the waves there in my cove. It was sitting under it that I first heard her whispers. Such a voice, Geralt. Never before had I heard one like it, and never since. She told me of how She had listened all those years as I sang, and how She mourned to never hear me again once Her final tree was cut from the embrace of the coast. How she sighed. The wind blew and moaned through that willow like a dirge.”

(“She pricked your bleeding heart. Played on your sympathy,” Geralt surmises, not flatteringly. The spirit turns from gazing soulfully out across the lagoon-- westward, towards the sea-- to glare at him balefully, beautifully wounded.)

“And can you blame me? Pah, don’t answer, I can see that you can. Yes, my heart went out to her plea. She begged that I come visit her. She would gift me the legs of a man so that I could leave the waters behind and move freely through the trees. I was fascinated. I had never left the cove, nor walked as any of the elves or humans or dwarves did. I had no ability to shift my form then. I had never even considered it! And She was the first spirit to whom I had ever spoken. How different She was from my friends the mermaids; how like to me, or so I thought. I longed to visit Her and to ease Her loneliness. I loved that She had listened for so long. I loved that She loved me.”

(Geralt does not need to speak to earn this frown. “She did,” the spirit snaps.

“She did,” Geralt agrees mildly, and crosses his arms over his chest. “Enough to keep you.”

For a moment, the spirit trembles. Expressive to a fault. Geralt can see why the villagers long to make him smile, if this is the alternative. Hearts softer than his would not be able to stand the blow of those crumpled brows, the agonized dip of eyelashes on his cheek. More’s the better, he thinks firmly, without the sliver-stab of guilt under his skin; the better that a witcher’s heart does not ache.

“Yes,” he says at last, wet- and bright-eyed and, to Geralt’s surprise, unfaltering. “Enough to keep me.”)

“She told me to wait for the new moon, when I would find in the grotto beneath the willow’s roots a lily growing. I found the crevice, and the lily. I did as She had told me. I pulled myself up the vines and roots of the willow with the nectar held on my tongue, and only when I was free of the water did I drink it, and found I had legs like a man.

“But the change had been painful and long, and the climb tiring, and the air so dry. So I laid amongst the roots to sleep and regain my strength. I would then follow my new friend’s voice into the trees, or so I thought. Yet when I awoke, I was here. Here I have remained.”

“And yes,” he snaps, “I have tried to walk from the forest.”

Geralt closes his frowning mouth. The spirit snorts.

“I can only leave the waters at night, and even then, I cannot walk far. Too far from the lagoon and every step will feel as if I trod on a bed of thorns. Even pushing through the pain-- and I have, too many nights to count-- there is no path out that will not turn me back. I cannot be carried from the forest, either, no matter how determined my carter. No matter how far I go, when the morning rises, I or my potential saviors are lost, and then I am back in the waters. Always, I return to these waters. For what I am, if I am anything, is a prisoner.”

His tale told, he sits back as if in punctuation. Well? His stubborn mouth unspeaking seems to ask.

Geralt finds the tale sits wrong with him.

It is not, he thinks, that it has the sound of a lie. And as a witcher trained to brutal honesty with himself as well as others, Geralt cannot say it is wholly that his sense of right and justice pricks at the fate, which it does. For all he might not experience those feelings of mortal men, in whatever fashion, he does feel some pity for the pretty, kept thing. He has always been a stalwart on the behalf of those unjustly kept. Princesses in towers, wolves in menagerie cages, and, now, spirits in lagoons.

But it is not sympathy or any doubt that unsettles him. It takes Geralt a moment to realize what.

“Most spirits of that age and breadth can’t lie. Not when they offer a greater magic, as it did in giving you legs. They can twist meaning, or hide it, but not lie outright. If she told you that your time would be to visit... there should be some way for you to be freed,” Geralt reasons.

“There are… stipulations, to the magic she worked on me,” the spirit admits. “A way to leave her hold and the lagoon. She explained them after. Just once.” He beats his fist once upon the stone. “Would that I had asked that she be more specific, that day under the willow. It had sounded quite simple.”

“It always does.”

They sit in silence for a while. It is nearly comfortable.

Geralt’s eyes wince and prick. The Cateye will wear off soon, and he will let it. There will be no battle here tonight, and there is light enough from the waters besides. He should have no trouble finding his way out of the forest. Perhaps, if he makes good enough time, there might be an ale for him at the festival. They won’t have reason to turn him away. He needn’t slay their precious spirit after all.

“So?” The spirit asks, breaking his half-hearted considerations. “Will you be killing me? I should hate for you to have walked all this way for nothing.” This, for once, is not a flirtation. The spirit smiles blandly. “Though I suppose if you hurry, you might still make the festival. It is tonight,” he asks Geralt’s momentary startlement, “is it not?”

For a moment, so surprised by his own thoughts spoken back to him, Geralt considers that maybe-- but no. He looks, and there is no tilt of victory to the look leveled on him. It had not read his thoughts. At least, not any one that he hadn’t shown clearly on his face, apparently. He had let his guard down almost without realizing. Sometime during his story, Geralt wonders with a foreboding inkling of his fate? Sometime before?

Geralt realizes he has already made a decision and, sighing gustily, unslings his swords resignedly. He gives himself exactly one moment the mourn the ale he won’t be drinking. Then:

“What stipulations?” he grunts. The man jolts from his pointed slump. The ungracefulness of his gaping speaks to his real shock as Geralt settles the swords on a bed of ferns. He himself doesn’t speak, though his mouth moves. Opening. Closing. Smiling. Geralt dodges directly catching his gaze like one avoids a direct look at the sun and clears his throat, saying to his chin (which is just about the only safe place to look which isn’t his eyes), “The role of a witcher is not only to slay beasts and monsters. We are expert curse breakers. This sounds close enough.”

“Even if I’m one of the monsters you might otherwise slay?” he lilts, like a man who knows already. Geralt scowls at being made to say it.

“You’re a spirit, not a monster. You’re hurting no one. If I can free you, I will.”

Now it is Geralt’s turn to jump.

“Thank you,” the spirit murmurs as soft and rasping as his fingertips across the back of Geralt’s hand. He leans close enough that Geralt wants to turn away-- not only for himself. He knows how his eyes and face will look from so close. The sickness of Cateye still burns through him; more so, when it is burning out. The thin, corpse-colored skin around his eyes does nothing to hide the blackness of the veins there. It seems almost indecent to expose a spirit infatuated with beauty and humanity (in fact, a spirit born from it) to such ugliness. “But I- it--” he stutters.

Geralt looks back then. Not once to this point has the spirit ever stumbled his words. So he looks, and the despair so clear in his face is all he needs to see.

“But you can’t tell me,” he concludes, and curses, and cuts his throbbing eyes back to the trees. “The magic prevents you from revealing how to break it. Of course.” Nothing can ever be easy.

The spirit bobs to the side, trying to catch Geralt’s gaze. Resolutely, Geralt turns his head.

“Witcher?” A moment. “Geralt? Why do you turn your face? Is there something you hear? Or see?”

“No,” Geralt grits out. He winces at the throb and sear of shifting blood and inflamed blood vessels. He raises a hand over his eyes when the spirit presses closer chasing his gaze like a child. He snaps. “Will you stay there?”

“No! Let me see what’s wrong.” A hand grabs his wrist. Geralt flinches.

“Don’t-”

“Touch you?” The spirit challenges.

“-look!” Geralt snarls, and closes his mouth tight immediately after, breathing hard out through his nose. A flush of nausea goes through him, followed by a dowsing of cold sweat. The sickness without battle adrenaline to cushion him from the full extent of the toxicity symptoms. Made more uncomfortable for the unfortunate honesty.

A thumb swipes along Geralt’s wrist, caressing tendon and bone.

“Your lovely eyes? Why not? Are they hurting you?”

“Not lovely,” Geralt grunts, “and not mine. The effect of the potion is wearing off.” Another throb, a flush of fever-hot blood draining down his cheeks. The muscles of his back ripple before he forces each one to release.

“You didn’t answer me. Are they hurting you?”

Silence.

“Can I see?”

Stubborn. “You won’t like it.” No one does.

Geralt can hear him shift, him in his bare skin and naught else.

“Can I see?” he repeats, so softly that he could be talking to one of his kissing villagers. “Your eyes. Please.”

It twinges to have them open as his pupils begin to contract and close and the irises shift back into place. Geralt turns to look at him anyway and bears it because he wants to punish the spirit for asking. To see him reel back in disgust. He had acted too long as if he spoke to a man and not a witcher and, Geralt thinks, needs reminding.

Only, as the night leans in on its shadowed haunches to fill in spaces that had been bright as noon not seconds before, and as the lagoon and the forest and the man with lilies in his skin go pearlescent and cool blue, the spirit startles. He watches unbreathing as the pain and therefore the blackness begins to recede, receding, gone. The shift complete.

But he does not pull back. His eyelashes splay open their beautiful, greedy, grasping fingers, and he wondering breathes, “You have brought me a gift. You just didn’t know it.” Geralt stares.

“What?”

At Geralt’s twitch his expression breaks open, not cool at all. He beams rose and peach and shell-pink warmth. His fingers weave their way into the hair behind Geralt’s ear; and he is reeling from the potion, he tells himself, that is why- why he doesn’t--

“My name is Jaskier,” the spirit says, a mere hand’s breadth away.

And that is when he dips forward and kisses Geralt on the mouth.

#the witcher #fanfic #nonhuman!jaskier #geraskier #lagoon verse #taran writes #i love dramatic larger than life fairy tales and no one can stop me #go big or go home #and i'm already home

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bard-llama · 4 years

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That Wild Blue Yonder Ch 3

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First Chapter | Previous Chapter

When Jaskier woke, it was dark outside and he felt groggy in that weird way where he wasn’t really tired anymore, but he also didn’t feel awake. He yawned expansively and rolled himself out of bed. After a shower and some breakfast, he felt a lot more alive, but he was also kind of convinced he’d had a really intense dream.

This wasn’t Narnia. Wardrobes didn’t just lead to magical worlds.

But it wouldn’t hurt to check, right?

Jaskier hummed to himself as he leisurely walked down the corridors of the somehow-still-hot castle. Wasn’t stone supposed to insulate? Why was it still so muggy and hot inside?

Well, Jaskier told himself, if it was real and there was a magic world through the closet, then he could go somewhere nice and cool. He skipped around the corner and stopped abruptly in front of the stairs he’d fallen down before. He preferred not to repeat that bit of the dream/potential cool new reality. His shoulders ached with the memory of busting through the wooden wardrobe door.

Which was why the sight in front of him was so disappointing. The wardrobe was there, but the door looked good as – well, not new, because the whole thing looked really, really old, but it wasn’t broken. If it was real, the door should have been broken.

Mood suddenly sullen, Jaskier pulled the door open with more force than necessary. He took a deep breath and then pushed the hangers aside.

It was real. He felt like he might cry at the sight of the stone castle on the other side of the passageway. Mood immediately restore, Jaskier wiggled through the passageway and rolled into a cartwheel when he emerged on the other side.

“Madeline~” he called. “It’s Jaskier! From last night! I’m so glad it wasn’t a dream!”

There was a high pitch squeak from the next room and Madeline’s voice called out, “hold on.” After a few moments, she emerged, looking surprisingly put together considering she was followed out by a woman with long hair who was wearing clothing that was much drabber than Madeline’s.

She curtsied to him, and walked quickly past him until she disappeared from view. Jaskier turned to Madeline with a raised eyebrow and a smirk. “So who was that?”

Madeline rolled her eyes and waved him into her room. “That was Genevieve, and dammit, before you interrupted, I was soooo close to her saying yes.” She dropped onto her bed and sighed dramatically. “She responds so well to my flirting, but I don’t know if she’s just that shy or if I’m seeing things.”

“Well, how long have you been flirting?” Jaskier wandered over to her actual wardrobe – why did she have another in a separate room, anyway? – and started looking through her clothes, holding a few dresses up to himself consideringly.

“Three years.”

“Wow.” Jaskier blinked and turned to her, a long sleeveless off-white dress in hand. The fabric of it was soft and he couldn’t stop running his fingers over it. “You’re sure she knows you’re flirting?”

Madeline shot him a long suffering look. “I gave up being subtle after the first year.” She shook her head. “Why is dating so hard?”

“Amen to that.”

Her brow crinkled. “A-what?”

“It’s – eh, nevermind. Just a way to say, ‘I feel ya’.” Jaskier held up the dress. “This is so soft. Can I try it on?”

Madeline blinked in surprise, but shrugged. “Go for it. Do they not have satin in your world?”

Jaskier shrugged. “They totally do, I’ve just never worn it, I guess. But I’m definitely gonna start!”

He shucked his t-shirt and skinny jeans and pulled the dress on over his head. Madeline laughed when he got stuck, but she got up and helped him until he could stand in front of the ornate floor length mirror. Jaskier grinned at himself – he was still very clearly masculine, with his chest hair on display from the bias cut neckline, but the hem of the dress fell just above his ankles and there was a long train attached to the dress. He picked up the train and spun in place.

“What do you think?”

Madeline grinned. “Better with make-up, I think.” She laughed at the way his eyes lit up and dragged him over to her vanity. The makeup she had looked completely different from what Jaskier was used to, but Madeline handled the brush expertly as she drew it through the paint and applied it to his eyes and lips. “There. Perfect!”

Jaskier fluttered his eyes at himself in the mirror. He looked downright ravishing, if he did say so himself.

“Oh! I forgot to tell you! Time passes differently in my world! Even though we hung out all afternoon yesterday, only a few hours had passed in my world! Isn’t that crazy?”

“Seriously? So what does that mean? For you, I mean.” Madeline asked.

“Well, I was thinking. What if I went out and really explored your world? Like, if a whole day is only a few hours, then I have tons of time!”

“Hmm,” Madeline tilted her head in thought. “You don’t exactly fit in, though.”

“I mean, I could just be really eccentric?”

“You’re not old enough for that.” She tapped her lip in thought. “Artists are always peculiar. Most actors travel with a troupe, but you play music, right? You could be a bard!”

“Ooooooh!” Jaskier leaned forward in excitement. “That sounds awesome. I just get to go around singing all day? That’s the dream! But, uh...I don’t really write my own music. I mean, I write lyrics, but like...parodies, you know?”

Madeline shrugged. “It’s not as if we’ll know your music, will we? Just maybe try to avoid mentions of your technology. Speaking of which…” She turned an expectant look on him and he made her wait for a bit before grinning and reaching for his discarded pants.

“Okay,” he pulled his phone out of his pocket. “If this works, you’re watching my videos first.”

“Deal. Show me how it works!”

“Okay – shit. There’s no signal. I didn’t even think about internet.”

“What’s internet?”

“It’s like – these satellites are in orbit and – somehow that means I can watch youtube videos?” He shook his head with a wry laugh. “I honestly don’t how it works, I just know what it is.” He pursed his lips in thought. “If it’s just internet, I wonder if my laptop will work with an ethernet cord?”

“I have no idea what that is, but yes. Worth a shot, right?”

He returned Madeline’s grin and got up. “Okay – wait, shit, the whole reason I didn’t have my phone yesterday is because there’s no damn wifi here. But, maybe if we’re close enough to my MiFi, it’ll work?”

Madeline gave him a blank look. “I’m not so sure we speak the same language anymore.”

He laughed. “No, hold on, c’mere. We gotta get close to the wardrobe. The MiFi has to be in my world, but if it’s close enough, maybe my phone in this world can use it!”

He bounced with excitement and tugged on her hand to get her to follow him. It took longer than he thought to get a signal – Madeline got bored and started painting her toes on the floor – but finally, he pulled up his youtube channel.

“Okay, let’s start with Ye Olde Toxic.” Jaskier clicked on his most-liked video and mouthed along to the song.

Madeline’s face morphed from confused and kind of horrified to absolutely enamored as the video went on. “You absolutely have to perform this stuff here. I need everyone to experience this.”

Jaskier laughed brightly. “You’re right – everyone should experience me.”

She punched his shoulder with a chuckle. “Show me more.”

They spent the morning crowded in front of Madeline’s wardrobe, holding his cellphone high to try to get the best signal possible until they got tired of sitting on the floor.

“Can we go into town?” Jaskier asked, eager to truly see this magical world. And also to see a monster. He really, really wanted to see a monster.

Who wouldn’t?

“Not dressed like that, unfortunately.” Madeline frowned. “But I think I might have something that will work for your bard persona.”

“Yessss! Can it also be soft like this?” He swirled around in the dress one last time and almost tripped over the trail. “And maybe not as long.”

“No no, I got it. I have the perfect look for you.” Madeline’s smirk was not at all reassuring, but Jaskier figured she knew her world best.

He was less sure when he actually saw the outfit. It looked nothing like either Madeline or that girl Genevieve’s clothes. He wiggled, testing how he felt. The pants were loose, tapering in towards his ankles, and Madeline had dug out boots that fit him from somewhere. He was wearing an embroidered silk shirt and a blue jacket with red design details. “I like it!” He declared, turning to check out his ass in the mirror. Jaskier unfastened the first several buttons of the jacket and made sure some of his chest hair peeked out. He’d been told it was one of his best features – after his face, his voice, and his hands, of course – and he enjoyed showing it off.

“Actually, you should wear the doublet closed. Otherwise you’re showing off your underwear.” Madeline ruined his fun by pointing out.

“So?”

She raised her eyebrows with a laugh. “All right then. Let’s go!” She nearly ran to her bedroom door, but then she stopped and held up a finger. “Uh, I perhaps should have mentioned. I’m a Countess. This is my castle.”

“Oh. Okay, so you’re important?”

“Not really,” she scoffed. “I basically have all the responsibilities of holding a title and running and estate, and the only benefit is getting invited to all the good parties. Which, okay, is a pretty good bonus.”

“Ooooh, you should bring me to the next party!”

She narrowed her eyes at him. “Let’s see how you do around people, first.” She turned the door handle. “Anyway, um, my household staff definitely know about you. Not sure where they think you came from–”

“Through the window, naturally,” Jaskier waved towards the window which had no convenient trellis or other architectural ladder up the wall.

“Sure. Anyway, I think I should be your patron.”

“What?”

“All artists – well, all good artists – have patrons! It’s how the arts are funded! Nobles with money to spare invest in an artist, and in exchange, we get something – commissioned art, a private performance, you get the idea. What do you think?”

“I mean, sure, I guess? What would I have to do?”

“Just perform.” She smiled. “Since I know the truth about you, this is a good excuse for you to be around my estate. And it means you’ll be able to eat while you’re here.”

“Oh. Yes, I would like that.” His stomach grumbled. “Maybe soon on that food?”

Madeline nodded. “Let’s go into town and eat that the tavern. That way you can be around people and watch them while you eat.”

“Sounds good to me!”

Epilogue

#my fics #that wild blue yonder #one more chap #then more short stories lol #I just needed the set up done #then we get to dive into canon 'verse stuff #jaskier #the witcher #fic #writing

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listoriented · 4 years

Text

Cibele

: a discussion.

Cibele is a game by Star Maid Games/ Nina Freeman [Nina’s website], and released in 2015. Feeling that my friends had more interesting things to say about Cibele than I did, I decided to get their thoughts on the record. Thus was born the first ever List Oriented podcast.

Sian Campbell edits Scum Mag and once baked a very good cake. Xanthea O’Connor [twitter] is a writer, performance-artist, audio tech person and a million other things.

Xanthea also made the podcast theme song and helped with recording and EQ. Interlude music was excerpted from the Cibele soundtrack by Decky Coss [bandcamp].

Hit the "read more" button at the bottom there to see the transcript.

Some topics we discussed include: - representations of early/online relationships - is Ichi a creep? - the framing of the ending - to what extent claims to autobiography matter

Some other books and games mentioned: - The Passionate Mistakes and Intricate Corruption of One Girl in America by Michelle Tea - Sour Heart by Jenny Zhang - Minor Characters by Joyce Johnson - I Love Dick by Chris Kraus - Emily is Away by Kyle Seeley

Finally, many interesting things have already been said about Cibele. Suriel Vasquez and Kate Grey both made arguments that Cibele is one of the few games to get sex right. Brendan Keogh notes how Cibele makes players aware that "both the players and creators of videogames never stop being fleshy, meaty bodies in actual space." Lena LeRay compared the depictions of online intimacy in Cibele and Emily is Away. G. Christopher Williams read the game's ending through the similarly cynical lens that we did.

next is Cities in Motion

Podcast transcript

Sian: There needs to be a theme song. [Singing] Welcome to List Oriented. *Finger Clicks*.

Xanthea: I think that’s great.

Sian: Nailed it. Hashtag, nailed it.

Xanthea: We’ll doodle a ukulele over it.

Connor: Can you put some beats in?

Xanthea: Yeah I’ll put some beats.

Connor: Maybe I should just make it so that just pops up automatically when the blog starts.

Sian: Noooo…haha. Like Myspace circa 2006…

[Podcast theme plays]

Connor: So I’d like to begin by acknowledging the traditional owners and custodians of the land on which we meet today, the Wurundjeri people of the Kulin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders past, present, and emerging.

Hey!

Xanthea: Hi

Connor: Hi

Sian: Hello.

C: Welcome to the first and possibly only edition of the List Oriented podcast, which is…a decision I have made to do a podcast instead of a blogpost for this game, Cibele. Cibele was made by Star Maid Games, which is the vehicle of Nina Freeman. It came out in 2015. To discuss it with me today I have some friends and experts.

X: [Laughs] That’s us!

S: Don’t fact check that.

C: Uh…Sian Campbell, editor of Scum Magazine, researcher extraordinaire…

S: Animal Crossing expert…and Connor’s housemate! Yay.

X: Correct.

C: Aaaand in the other corner… Xanthea O’Connor. Writer, performer…

X: Sims video expert…

C: …Connoisseur.

X: Mhm, mhm.

S: You’ve kind of made it sound like we’re gonna fight.

C: Yeah I mean…that’s probably not going to happen but…

S: Well we don’t know.

X: We’ve got the whiskey out…drinking coffee and whiskey at the same time.

C: Whiskey is a fighting drink. I have a friend who won’t drink whiskey because he says it makes him too angry.

X: That’s why I don’t drink tequila.

C: Oh! Cos it makes you too angry?

X: Mhm, yeah.

S: I don’t drink tequila because I end up with girls in bathrooms.

[All laugh]

C: So Cibele… or “Sybil” depending on who you are, uhm, is a game, which, kind of, is a bit different from other games, it is…uh. It has you play as Nina, the main character, uhm, who you see introduced at the start of the game in a like, full motion video when she sits down at the computer. And then the next thing we have access to Nina’s desktop so we are - kind of - Nina but we’re kind of also not-Nina. Uhm, and we can rifle through her pictures and her archived blog posts, uhm, and then eventually we get to open up this game called Valtameri which is sort of a Final Fantasy parody type thing, and we play Valtameri with this guy called Ichi, or Blake, uhm…

X: Spoiler he’s a creep.

C: Well. Arguably he’s a creep. Uhm. And we just talk to him. Aaaand… our other friends are messaging us while we’re playing but we’re not that interested, uhm. And we kind of have this cycle a few times where we play the game, and then we maybe send photos to Ichi or…maybe…I dunno what else happens but anyway there’s like three phases of the game and it takes place over a few months and then… that’s kind of… it. That’s the end of the game. I dunno. Anything to add?

X: Should we give a spoiler that at the end he lives in another state and he comes to see her, at the end…

C: Or us…

X: Or us… and then… they Have Sexxx. And then, the last bit of the game is him saying that it was a mistake, over the internet, and you see the last image of her at the computer looking very isolated and then it’s just the end of the game. Is that alright to say? The spoiler?

C: Yeah we’re not going to be able to talk about the game without saying that, so.

X: Yeah we need to say there’s unresolved tension at the end. Uhm…yes. That there’s no way to resolve.

C: Uhmmm yeah so it’s unusual, I mean, like I suppose some people at the time made a point about it’s not being a game you “play” so much as experience because you can’t really have any influence on it, it’s more just about exploring…the life that is presented to you.

X: And whatever influence that you do have, doesn’t really affect the main narrative. So you can do small little actions, like you can choose text that you say to people, but it doesn’t actually change anything that happens.

C: Yeah. You can’t make meaningful choices.

S: I did like that you can engage with, or not engage with, the background media as much as you wanted to. Because it’s got the interface of her desktop where you can look in her desktop folders, look at her selfies, pull up chatlogs all that kind of stuff. And you don’t have to in order to experience the game. And I liked that element of it because it was, I guess, immersive and, yeah. Again, it didn’t really influence the gameplay in any way. And you could safely assume that people would look at everything, because that’s kind of how most people play games. But, yeah, I thought that achieved the goal, which was to make it feel like you were her, on her computer.

X: Whereas for me I felt like, maybe as someone who doesn’t game quite as much – calling myself out here - but, the idea of going through those things maybe wasn’t as exciting for me so maybe I did speed through the game a bit more occupying Myself rather than the character of Nina. Maybe because I found looking through photos that were similar to photos I would have taken in 2008 deeply frustrating uhm, yeah. But it’s just different experiences I guess.

S: I found interesting in terms of, like, obviously this is a creative work that she’s made, so I came at it from the point of view of wondering about the inclusion of certain things. Like, why that photo as opposed to – I’m sure she has hundreds of photos of that time – like what does this photo or poem say about that time in her life that another photo taken in the same photo session didn’t? Or something like that, I mean, obviously everything that was included in the desktop interface was a deliberated choice and so I found that aspect interesting.

C: Hmm yeah, like someone else had made the point which wasn’t something that I’d picked up on but, that some of the photos were intentionally bad photos that were included, which I guess when we’re talking about the choice of presentation uhm. And her poetry and chatlogs and it’s this idea of airing your dirty laundry…

X: Well it’s still curated.

C: Yeah, very much so.

X: But, it’s very clear that there’s the intention there that it is a little bit more vulnerable than what you might just put online it’s like, yeah it’s more the sort of stuff you might just keep in a file somewhere on desktop, I guess there’s that vulnerability that you don’t normally get on a blog or Instagram or something like that.

S: And I guess that by being vulnerable she signposts to us as player or consumer in some ways that we should trust this as a confessional work.

X: Mhm. It does feel very much like rifling through someone’s diary, or…yeah that feeling of you’re totally not meant to look at someone’s phone, but there’s occasionally that impulse to do so, and it definitely feels like you’re doing something that’s…it’s kind of not okay, but within the game context…

S: Yeah. And so I find that interesting coz it’s kind of her giving us the phone and wiping everything on the phone other than the things that are on it, but the things that are on it are kind of not necessarily things that make her look the best, so I, yeah. It’s interesting from a curatorial point of view.

X: Mhm. Yeah it’s definitely curated from someone looking back at that self and being really honest. Which I find really interesting. And I haven’t really… again, not a huge gamer but I haven’t seen that in a game before, that really confessional, like, autobiographical…

C: Yeah. I mean it definitely comes from a place of there being not much autobiography in games and certainly not with this, uhm, mix of mediums that it’s sort of used where you’ve got this, like, video of the character which is played by the person who made the game who’s named the character after themselves and so it’s like…they’re acting as themselves, and then using bits from their life, and there’s a game element to it, and a movie element to it…and all these things are sort of slipping over. Whereas I think other autobiographical games have been more text based or uhm… traditional, in air quotes…

[Music plays: excerpt from “turn on” by Decky Coss]

X: So do you want to talk about…do we want to talk about what we did like and didn’t like…now?

C: Yeah. I find it — I guess I find it a really interesting game. And it’s almost like, for me, because it’s so unusual in so many ways it almost like …avoids the question, for me, as to whether or not it’s something “I like”. I guess what I liked about it is it’s something I haven’t really experienced elsewhere, uhm, it’s a very novel game to me. Like I do think it has identifiable shortcomings which I guess we’ll come to later, but, uhm…

X: So you like the experimentation of it?

C: Yeah. I do like the experimentation of it. I like the way it, uhm, mixes these things together and the way it plays with autobiography, which is another thing I’m sure we’ll talk more about it. I like it’s sound and visual kind of…the desktop artwork, it’s design. I have a basic appreciation of that I suppose.

X: She’s got a really strong aesthetic. I think that can be fully agreed upon. Sian, what about you?

S: I’ve never played online collaborative gaming like the kind of gaming this game is about and referencing, and that the game-inside-the-game is meant to, I guess, be a play on or be an example of. I… I found the game kind of rudimentary and not that enjoyable to play. As in the game “Valtameri”, uhm.

X: Also, I don’t think you even had to actually play it because Ichi was playing it…

S: Mhm, I couldn’t tell, I thought you did.

C: Yeah, I feel like if you did nothing it wouldn’t go forward at all…

S: Yeah I agree. But. I feel like it did what intended to do which was immerse you in the idea of being a person playing a game while listening to the audio of a story which is of people talking while playing a game, so it was effective in its aim in that sense, but it just wasn’t an enjoyable experience to actually play it. I found it boring and clunky.

X: I think I was beginning to dread having to go in there and do it, too.

S: Me too.

X: It’s almost like a meditative means to an end within the game. But the actual game itself is like…ugh. Just like, clicking. Like Diablo but…with worse monsters.

C: Yeah.

X: Does that make me sound really stupid?

C: No. I mean that’s what it is.

X: I think if…I think if there had been a little bit more, like, difference, so if it was a different kind of game, or if it was simple it was so simple it mirrored a game like Diablo or games like that…if it didn’t mirror a game like that it might be more interesting but I found myself clicking and just “oh I don’t want to play… I want to play an actual good game” and uhmm yeah

S: Yeah. I found it tedious and I found… I don’t know if it was just my Mac I was playing it on but I found it soooo clunky and awkward and like, to actually navigate inside the game was just a nightmare and so I was the same, I was dreading it every time I had to do that part.

C: Yeah I wonder like, uhm… if they had built Valtameri to be more interesting it would have detracted from the point of it which was I guess, uhm, the paying attention to the conversation or…

X: Well you’re forced to coz it’s so monotonous.

C: Yeah.

S: I was thinking the same thing. And I’m wondering if there was…I mean, there would be, there would be a way of having it simplistic in terms of goals and fighting and all that while also… not being as boring and annoying. But, yeah. I was also thinking the same thing in that because it was so straightforward it did give you that space to absorb the story better.

C: Yeah.

X: Mhm.

S: In terms of, like, bigger picture, I just didn’t really like the framing at the end. Which was, kind of the game ends and it leaves you with this message that… this is an experience of what first love is which I felt was, uhm, again a bit clunky and didn’t feel honest to me. Which I thought was interesting because the game itself is quite a vulnerable, confessional, honest game.

X: Yeah, it was very good at interrogating Nina, and very good at doing a lot of showing not telling but still interrogating the character of Ichi, but then… interrogating the relationship itself felt, like…yeah, when it said it was about first love… not… I dunno. Was it?

S: Yeeeah, you’re talking about a relationship that never was with someone you were never really with. Uhm, it was very unclear, I guess. And it was interesting – and I think most people have had relationships like this, online – where you’re communicating with someone primarily online and forming this relationship and this bond but also but kind of on one level… I guess, unsure as to where that relationship fits outside the box that is your computer.

X: Yeah, and I found that, actually, the whole premise of the game for me – as, like, someone who has left their early twenties, thankfully – of knowing that environment and knowing those people and that sort of relationship that gets built online, and as soon as we’re introduced to Ichi the character I wanted to just shut it down.

S: Mhm.

X: It was like “eurgh I know what’s going to happen, I… don’t want to be there for that”. And so there was that… again, I don’t know if it’s something I necessarily liked or disliked, I just found it a very confronting part of the game, that, I wasn’t sure… whether it was for me necessarily, or what the point of it would be for me to play.

C: Yeah, right. I feel like, that was really interesting for me actually, playing it this time, because I have played it once before back after it came out…I played it not long after… and I think my experience this time, it seemed a lot more like… obvious how, Ichi, the things he said seemed quite… bad. And I didn’t remember it being quite so bad. Like I felt like his actions were always questionable. But just the whole…like all of his dialogue…is

X: It’s very well done.

C: Oh it’s very well done. It seems very real.

X: But that’s the thing. If you’ve never been groomed online before. I dunno. Can I say he was grooming? I feel like it was kind of…

S: It wasn’t *not* grooming, it was…[sighs] it’s hard to tell, I mean, I guess. And that’s part of what’s interesting is that it’s her memories of how it happened and what their conversations were like, then portrayed by somebody else. So of course, we can only go on what we actually see but it’s referencing something that happened and probably what we’re listening to is quite different from what actually was being said, so that line is quite murky and unclear. I found it hard to tell exactly to what extent he knew what he was doing or even if he was doing anything other than just enjoying playing a game with someone who was showing him that kind of positive attention, like, a girl who was showing him that kind of attention. It was kind of unclear to me where he wanted it to go or even if he wanted it to go anywhere. She was kind of the one pushing them meeting up and things like that. I felt like he was toying with her, very much so. I don’t know whether I would say he was….hmm, I would say he was grooming her but I don’t know whether it was…

X: …a premeditated sort of predatory…

S: Yeah. Yeah.

X: Yeah, I think it’s quite interesting, thinking about that and where you are upon reflection making this dialogue, I guess as the maker of the game, as Nina did, it reminds me of…after we’d played the game, uhm, and I opened up my laptop and I got all my 2007 emails spat at me and, heaps of emails from old friends, and lots of guy friends talking about girl stuff, like putting in, like copy-pasting msn messenger chat things they’d had with girls like “I don’t know what this means, can you help?” And I was reading through, and it was very similar like baiting sort-of situations where someone’s like “well I’m not very good” and you’re like “no, you’re great!”. And like… very similar dialogue, where I’m sure these friends of mine were not predatory they were just, like, trying to get some affection, just being like – they must have been sixteen, seventeen at the time, like – really trying to figure out how to broach a like a sexual or romantically intimate relationship with somebody, and there’s just a lot of like, neediness in those conversations, that I forgot was a thing, until I got all those emails being like… oh we were so… like, if we now, in our late twenties to thirties messaged something like that, we’d be like… “you’re a freak”, like. You wouldn’t be able to say what we were saying back then. So yeah, I think it’s kind of interesting…what you’re saying, is that we assume that it’s predatory because as older people now, because that’s what it signifies but… when you’re younger…sometimes it can just be, like…

S: Yeah, on one level I felt like he was…just confused and out of his depth. Like this girl, that he’s obviously attracted to, and very much enjoying having the attention of, is then suddenly starting to push the line of, “well are we gonna meet up”, and he’s kind of thinking “Oh. She wants to meet up with me. I hadn’t actually thought…”. Like, it seemed like he’s just enjoying the online experience, and she’s the one who wanted to solidify things and meet up. From my memory I mean, I played it a couple of months ago. And then he’s kind of, it seemed maybe, internally wrestling with the idea of “do I want that? If I want that, it’ll obviously be beneficial for me in those certain ways”, but it’s obviously… most people, or at least most girls who have been through that wringer at least would be able to tell going into it that he didn’t actually…that there was not going to be a relationship, that he uhm… when he came to New York that wasn’t going to be a love story coming to fruition.

X: Yeah, totally.

S: But obviously she was engaging in these like fishing tactics too that we all did when you’re young and you try and feel out what’s actually happening: “Does this person like me? Do they not like me? Oh I’m ugly, I’m sure, oh…” you know, all that kind of bashful…

X: And, that as well, because you can see how vulnerable she is on her desktop, like you can see all those photos, and you can see the development of her sexualisation as well within the game because…it’s in three parts right? Where it goes, like, the first time, and then it’s a few months later, a few months later. And you can see every time the desktop refreshes she is like more sexualised, you can see her search history of things she’s looking through, you can see where it’s heading in her own mind. And there is those fishing tactics from both sides. It’d be really interesting to see, like, Ichi’s desktop as well. Like, I would love the other side of, what he’s looking at.

S: Yeah.

X: Because, for me, I can look at Nina’s desktop as long as I want – like, I get it. But I would love to know what he’s doing. And like, his intentions. Obviously, Nina doing that would be disingenuous. But it would be really interesting to have a game, of like, a 17-year-old boy’s desktop, and understanding where that headspace is.

S: I thought there were some interesting context clues, in the game, that were interesting on a few different levels, hinting at the idea that this was something he did with girls, that he kind of…played with them, that he was only interested in playing games with girls, obviously enjoying this attention. That was something that was I think said by at least one person she talked to, and possibly multiple people that she talked to was, oh. I kind of got the sense that she was new girl that he was “playing with”, in multiple senses.

X: And those things like, burned out, sort of.

S: Yeah. I kind of thought that context was interesting. Because, if you’ve been through this relationship, you have the ability to see what’s happening, which is why you and I both have a stronger feeling that this guy is in some ways… not necessarily predatory, but, in some ways manipulative and, just bad news. Just not… uncomfortable.

X: We’re playing through a pattern of behaviour that isn’t going to be healthy for either them…

S: Yeah, uhm, and so we can recognise that, it feels like we’re meant to recognise that, it feels like those clues are…they’re not even clues, it’s part of the dialogue, we can hear it, we can interpret it. And those context clues of other people referencing the fact that this has happened with other girls… well it seemed like what those other people were referencing.

C: Mhm.

S: Those were deliberate things put in the game by Nina, which is interesting when you think about the way that she then frames the game at the end as “this is just a story about first love.”

X: Mhm. It’s…yeah, it’s confusing, definitely, because it’s kind of undermining like what you think she’s setting out to achieve, and almost like… is that just meant to be…a joke? How intentional is that? Did she not know how to wrap it up? Wrap up the story to resolve it all…

S: Yeah that’s what I was unclear of. It did almost feel like she felt it needed one final, like, “and this is what the game is” flagging. Whereas I thought it would be more powerful and interesting if she just left it the way it was but without that kind of final message.

X: Mhm.

S: And so in some ways I felt frustrated by that messaging because I’d interpreted it so differently, and I was then being told that my experiences were incorrect, I guess? That maybe I’d interpreted it wrong. It also made me sad for her that she was interpreting it in that first love sense. And it made me feel guilty for feeling sad for her [laughs] like it was…it was an interesting choice for her to kind of….in such a cerebral, experimental game, where you have the power to experience it the way you want, for then for her to tell you how it should be read was… an interesting choice.

X: Mhm, yeah, totally. Coz it almost makes you second guess, like oh was she not upset? Did he not just do something that was, like, not loving?

C: Yeah, I though that was… uhm, like, a weird bit of the author coming to then tell you what the game is about. But at the same time it reminded me of – I recently read a memoir by Michelle Tea, Passionate Mistakes – and in it she talks about… there’s a scene where she says one of her early boyfriends, she says, that telling him “I love you” was like, a code for “we can have sex now”. And I thought that like, in the context of this game being kind of, like… I think Nina does the same thing in Act 2, she says “I love you”, like, “I think I love you”, and then it’s… it’s part of the development of the relationship and it’s like heading towards having sex for the first time. Uhm, and that kind of being framed as…maybe that’s more of an American thing? Like, a code, I dunno.

X: Nooo, it’s not.

[Laughter]

X: It’s not an American code. Unless I am American.

C: Or is it a teenage code?

X: It’s definitely, I dunno for me it’s definitely a teenage code.

C: Sure.

X: I think it was, another book that I was reading recently, and talked about constantly while I was reading it…was it Minor Characters by Joyce Johnson? Yeah. That’s the one.

C: I guess we can edit in the correct title later.

[Laughter]

X: And she…it’s like a beat memoir of a women during the beat era, and she dated Jack Kerouac, and it’s saying that…during that era, and I mean still it holds true, but like, women, or young girls are taught to safe guard their virginity, and boys are taught to safeguard themselves, and that idea of love being… like, giving, giving way to something that you can lose yourself to. And I think that it 100% feels like that, like when women say - when girls say - “I love you”, it’s like, very much about that idea of safeguarding their bodies.

C: Right.

X: And, yeah, I don’t know where else to go from there. But it’s very…it’s not just American, I think it’s like, across the board. In like, early relationships.

C: Okay.

S: Mhm.

X: What do you think, Sian?

S: I dunno, it was… I don’t necessarily have any opinion about the sexual element to it. I guess I feel like I got the sense that she wanted to have sex, like that was something she wanted to do, she was ready for and thinking about, and thinking was kind of her way of accessing that, in some ways. Uhm. Mhm. I was sort of…was very unclear of his… thinking, I guess, and what he was thinking about, where he was coming from, who he was as a character. Just, I didn’t get a sense specifically of who he was. Like I feel like I’ve probably met gamer guys like him… it… She gave us some ideas but I also… I think what you were saying in wanting to see his desktop was interesting because we got such a clear idea of who she was but we didn’t get any of that from the actual audio, from the actual in-game experience of them chatting. They didn’t talk about their life, pretty much at all. So, everything we learnt of her we got from her desktop. So, we didn’t get that same chance to learn who this guy was. What he did outside this game. Where he lived, who he lived with, what he studied. We didn’t get any of that. And I think, hmm, I agree with you – I don’t think she could have added that, I think it would have been disingenuous and it would have been against the point of what the game actually was as experimental memoir basically.

X: Hmm. But I also think with so many gamer guys as, uh, as a woman who has dated a lot of gamer guys, I think that…especially during that time when you’re just going into university, you are like plumbing for depth, like emotional depth in people that you’re dating, and often it’s just not developed yet, like, I dunno. From experience I think that, this guy I honestly just think – like I know I said his behaviour felt like it was grooming, but – he just, maybe, as well, had no idea what he was doing.

S: I kind of – yeah, I got that sense as well. I mean, I think he knew what he was doing in terms of fostering her attention, but in the larger picture I don’t think he was a particularly deep or interesting person.

[Laughter]

X: I remember… I dated this guy – anecdote! We can cut this out – uhm, but I dated this guy when I was like 17, and it was my first year of uni, I met him in my maths class – shoutout, you know who you are! Uhm… and he… I remember like in the first week of us dating he said that he missed his bus stop because he was thinking, and I was like “oh my god, he’s so deep, he like missed his bus because he was Thinking” and I, like, “I wonder what he was thinking about, probably me, how amazing I am”.

[Laughter]

X: And then maybe a month later or like two months later, he was like “oh yeah I missed my bus stop again”, and I was like “oh what were you thinking about?”. And he was like “oh you know, just what everyone said during the day”. [Laughs]. Like he was just, no further reflection. Just what everyone said in sequential order, and it was just that moment of like, oh… you weren’t, it wasn’t… there was no depth to the thought, you were just daydreaming about the sequence of events during the day, uhm. And that moment of, like, disillusionment was quite… upsetting.

S: Mhm.

X: But yeah I feel like that’s what we could have done during this game, is that we’ve turned him into this guy that’s like…. well, for me, definitely I’ve like, in my head while I was playing it, I was like “what a piece of trash”, like. But he probably just logs off and twiddles his thumbs, and, I don’t know… plays Fortnite.

S: Yeah it’s kind of like that, I don’t know. I was gonna say meme. I feel like there’s tik-toks about it where girls are like “urr I wonder what he’s thinking or why he’s not messaging me back” and he’s literally just playing games or asleep or just…outside! And there’s no greater mystery to it, it’s just that he’s not currently texting you, coz he’s a boy, and they’re boring!

[Laughter]

X: Mhm, yeah.

S: But yeah I totally agree that uhm…of having had so many times that experience of having had so many times that experience of just assuming people must be thinking these larger internalised thoughts like there’s this whole world of them we’re not accessing and that felt…I felt like that as well while playing this game. Or I felt her feeling that, while playing this game.

X: Totally, coz there’s so much of her planning in there. So much of her planning flights and looking at prices of flights and things like that. And it’s like, she’s putting so much energy into, and like I’m sure he had not even googled a flight until…

S: I don’t even think he was thinking about them meeting up really until she kind of…started, felt like she was…not pushing it but…

X: She was giving ultimatums kind of…

S: Yeah.

C: Which I mean, fair enough.

X: Yeah.

[Music interlude: excerpt from “what would happen if we met” by Decky Coss]

C: So…uhm, we sort of touched on it before but like, “who is this game for?” is a question that Xanthea you suggested we should talk about.

X: Yep.

C: Possibly because you didn’t think – not to put words in your mouth –

X: Put ‘em in.

C: - but you weren’t sure, like, you weren’t sure if this game had a target, or that if there was a particular set of people that should be playing this, or like. I dunno, what were your thoughts?

X: Yeah I dunno, I just felt like, especially by the end of it when it was…or even as I started it, and hearing the dialogue, I knew what was going to happen. And I felt that…like sitting and playing – I wouldn’t have finished playing if I wasn’t playing with you, Connor, because…I was like “I know what’s going to happen…”

C: Yeah.

X: “and it’s going to be annoying”…like “it’s going to irritate me”. So…yeah. I think that it’s… you don’t go into playing this game for like, excellent gameplay, or like…I, I dunno. I think it’s an experiment, and it’s a worthy and valid experiment of a game, uhm. But as a standalone, I’m not sure… if I’m like “cool I feel entirely satisfied, as a, as a consumer of this game”. Like I want there…coz it is that experiment, now I want something else to come out that’s inspired by it…

S: Mhm.

X: Does that make sense?

S: I sort of felt like… uh, I guess as wanky as it might sound, I sort of felt that it’s just a piece of art, and it didn’t need or even have a specific target audience, it was just created for art’s sake. And I guess if I had to say who it was for, I guess, people who enjoy immersive, experimental gameplay but… yeah I’m kind of the same mind in that I’m excited by it as a starting off point, in terms of gaming.

X: Unless we sell it to the government and they lock teenage boys in rooms and make them play it.

C: Do you think there’s like an educational element where teenage boys should play it and understand, that like…?

X: I dunno that girls are real people? Maybe.

[Laughter]

X: That’s another – okay, another boyfriend that i had, once, two months into dating the next boyfriend - everyone goes to take a drink - he said, uhh, “I didn’t realise that girls had feelings until I started dating you”, which was, like, the most –

S: Did you break up with him immediately?

X: No, we dated for a year and a half.

S: But he didn’t know women were…he didn’t know girls were people.

X: I know!

S: That’s scary!

X: And he dated a lot of women before me. Uhm…and yeah! But maybe I’m coming at it from a radicalised point of view, given my dating history.

[Laughter]

X: But yeah, I think that this game for like, Sian and I – and Connor as well I guess – is like, preaching to the converted that these relationships, these early relationships being fraught and problematic and, like… very difficult to navigate. Yeah, so, as you said, it does feel more as a piece of artwork acknowledging all those issues. But at the same time, I think it does have a message that feels…interesting. I just don’t think a young boy would pick it up and be like “I can’t wait to play this game!”

S: Mhm. I think I would love to have a conversation with a bunch of girls at different points in their life, like a fifteen-year-old girl and a seventeen-year-old girl and a nineteen-year-old girl. Like find out what someone thinks when they’re in the middle of these kind of relationships, playing this game, like…do they recognise it? Do they have thoughts about as being manipulative, or uhm, that kind of fishing idea that they’re both doing, engaging in that kind of fishing behaviour… I’d be really interested to know what I would have said about the game, when I was eighteen.

X: Yeah. I think if I was playing it at eighteen I would have a lot more internalised misogyny, of just being like “oh she was just super needy and”…

S: Mhm. And I think… it’s so hard to say, like, would…would I have felt more impacted by it? Would I have felt more called out by it? Would I have felt more seen, or…would I have wanted to… I think I probably would have read it the same way that Nina is now telling us to read it, which is as a love story, because…that’s kind of…I would have been closer to Nina’s, I guess, idea of who she was when she was…when we are Nina in this game. I think that’s what I would have…would have been my experience as an eighteen-year-old.

X: Hmm…

S: So it’s kind of interesting, I think I would have… shipped them. As it were.

X: Totally.

C: Yeah right?

X: And would have focussed a lot more on him being like, he’s so like…he’s so cute, or like… kind of getting really into that idea that’s like oh yeah… and like, actively shipping, as you say.

S: Mhm, picking up on things he said that indicated he was interested, as opposed to now, when your bullshit meter is just going Off The Charts.

X: Totally! Every, every bit…like literally the first game you play it’s like “ew, go away.”

[Laughter]

X: “Where is the option to never play with this guy ever again? Oh wait, it doesn’t exist. It’s the whole game. How horrible for you Nina”.

C: Yeah I remember you saying that you felt almost like a bit trapped by it, by the fact that you can’t get out of it, like you have to experience this…not, not that it’s necessarily trauma, but like-

X: Yeah it’s traumatic! And you…I mean, every line that he was saying was like ugh, it felt so close to…things…I’ve heard online because I was quite a vulnerable teenager, who was constantly fishing for things online – call myself out, hundred percent. And yeah, it’s very challenging to go back and look at somebody doing that and not being able to, within gameplay, do anything about that.

S: Mhm.

X: Like sit her down and be like. “Nina. We need to have a talk about this. You’re fine. Chill out. Go for a walk. This guy’s…not good.” Like, yeah, I dunno I think, uhm…coz you yeah I dunno I think I very much… immediately saw that and it frustrated me.

C: Yeah. That’s fair.

X: But, I mean, if it’s a work of art that’s okay! It’s allowed to frustrate.

S: I think that feeling of being trapped is interesting coz I had that same sense of being locked in, uhm, but at the same time I think that feeling is an effective one in making you feel immersed in this person’s life. Like it really…because I guess, you are locked in and because of the desktop element and because of the kind of immersing gameplay it really felt like you were experiencing this person’s life in a way that…I’m not sure whether it would have been as effective if you could kind of pause and click out and stop.

[music interlude: “cibele” by Decky Coss]

C: Uhm, I guess one final thing we can talk about is, this idea of it being autobiographical or not? Or where it kind of sits on that spectrum – I suppose because this isn’t something that’s been done so much in games uhm… we were kind of looking at the idea of it being “autofictional” because it’s taking the idea of, the intentional blending of something that happened in the life of the creator so it’s sort of like memoir, but it’s also an intentional, uhm, saying that it is not totally autobiographical because it’s not using certain elements, or it’s recreating certain elements. Uhm, so I dunno – Sian, because you are the autofiction expert in the room, what was your kind of idea about how it was positioning itself?

S: Uhm, I would say…on one level I would be inclined to say it didn’t read as autofiction to me because it just felt like it was a retelling of something that happened, it didn’t feel like we were meant to suspend our disbelief or that we were meant to uhm, assume that anything that happened didn’t happen exactly as it happened – I got the sense that it was almost in some ways quite literal. I dunno. I think I would have to think a lot harder about this. I think autofiction’s interesting because a lot of the time it relies on what you already know about the creator…

C: Yeah right.

S: …which is an interesting kind of thing to have to consider as a reader, and also as a writer of autofiction is…when you’re flagging something as inherently false, how is your reader or player or consumer meant to pick up that it is inherently false, if they don’t happen to know you? If they don’t know what actually happened, how do they know that this is you playing with the truth? Will they assume this is true? I’m not sure she put anything in there that we were meant to assume didn’t happen. I’m not sure she was playing with the truth – I think she was trying to get at the truth. But without knowing more about her I suppose it’s really hard to make that call.

X: Was it ever acknowledged to be based on true events at the beginning?

S: I think it was.

C: Yeah I think so and maybe not in the game specifically except for that author’s note at the end where it’s kind of like, suddenly not Nina the character speaking to you, it’s Nina who made the game – I think that’s the only time in the game where it acknowledges that the game was based on true events. But uhm, like, outside the game there have been interviews and articles that have been “this is a game about my first experience of like, hooking up with someone from the internet.”

X: Yeah coz it kind of feels like – who’s that author who wrote Sour Heart?

S: Oh, Jenny Zhang?

X: Yeah, Jenny Zhang, when she came to Australia and did an interview at Wheeler Centre she was talking about how frustrated she is that all of her fiction – even though it’s definitely fiction – is always assumed to be autobiographical…

S: Mhm.

X: Just coz she’s writing about, like, a demographic of her own experience it’s just assumed… and I think it’s like, kind of similar here. It’s like, does it matter if it’s autobiographical? Does it matter how much is true and how much it’s not? This is kind of more a universal truth of internet, uhm, intimacy. And like, I think that is enough to be a valid – frustrating, uhm, but valid, still…

S: If I was gonna think of where I would position it from a literature perspective – because that’s what I know, and that’s what I do — is, it is quite reminiscent of I Love Dick in some ways. It’s very confessional, it’s telling the story of someone’s relationship with someone else who doesn’t get a chance to…weigh in, I guess, and it is a retelling. It’s using real artefacts, I guess, with reimagined, and in some cases hyper-realistic…mmm

X: Re-enactments.

S: Yeah. So I think, that’s where I would position it. In terms of when thinking about literature which is what I do.

C: Yeah. Yeah, I guess, Xanthea you’re more of a memoir fan? Uhm..

X: Yeah. I love a good memoir.

C: You prefer it to…you prefer things that are passing things off as fully truthful? Or some version of…the truth?

X: Yeah “fully truthful”…whatever that is. Uhm. I like things that aim to be truthful. And I like things that interrogate themselves enough to feel like…anything that’s passed off as “this is entirely what happened, the truth”, I don’t believe… but uhm. Yeah. I think at this point it doesn’t matter who made it – for me, this has a larger truth to it, in some ways.

C: The universal experience…

X: I think it is getting at a universal experience of like, internet intimacy.

C: So you don’t… so it doesn’t matter if like, that experience, is making a claim to like, “this was my experience”? Like this is… or…

X: Honestly, I don’t think it matters. Like, uhm. I think it’s kind of beyond the point. And I think it’s why I’m more interested in stuff that’s made because of this work. It’s just kind of opening up to more conversations.

C: Yeah, sure.

S: I think I really…probably the reason I like autofiction as a literary genre, is because it interrogates that idea that you were saying of…does it matter or not matter if it’s true or not? I like work that plays with that idea, and I think this work is probably important because it does feel true, it feels like her version of events. And I think, I would definitely love to see more games that interrogate that idea of truth versus untruth. And I think…I haven’t played a lot of games like this, but I’m not super across all the games. I don’t know a lot of things. I play Animal Crossing, and the Sims, and Stardew Valley. And I don’t have, y’know, a large library, but when I do find experimental games like this I do seek them out, and I would be very interested to see what builds off this. I think in terms of that idea of does it matter if this is really her experience, I’m thinking of games like Emily is Away -

C: Yeah for sure.

S: Where, it’s very similar in some ways of, like, that experience of being on the desktop, being in the chatlog, having these conversations… And it is a different experience in terms of how, what you get out of playing that game versus playing Cibele.

X: Yeah and I think as well, uhm, making games around experiences that are, I guess popularly more marginalised, having that ability to play with truth and how much we know about things is kind of important. I’m just thinking back to a few months ago when I was really obsessed with Ned Kelly and there was lots of “based on truth” sort of, fictionalised accounts of Ned Kelly, but also, there are fictionalised accounts of like, the women in his life as well, so there’s novels around that. And how, I found, all of those novels coming together, all of those fictionalised entities coming together, it didn’t even matter at the end whether it was true or not, I just got a really interesting viewpoint of someone who has created so much drama and intensity and how that had affected other people. And I find that really, like, just as valid in terms of storytelling as someone claiming this to be the whole truth of like, a biography of Ned Kelly, which, I’ve never really gained much from. But, like, a fictionalised account of sister, I found really really interesting coz it was like, looking at, how…now I’m just talking about Ned Kelly. I’m gonna stop. I’m sorry. Uhm.

[Laughter]

S: What I liked about this game was that it felt aggressively female. And I mean, it is, it’s aggressively female, it’s aggressively confessional, and I think the gaming world needs more of that and I think it does, in some ways, carve out a little patch of internet or game, as it was, and opens a door. It starts a dialogue about what games can be – or continues a dialogue I suppose, I wouldn’t necessarily say it starts a dialogue but… I think the more people who understand that games can be for them, and games can be kind of art and games can be whatever they want and games can tell a story and games can be for women who have been made to feel that games weren’t for them by men, the better. Not that that’s what was happening here, but I can see that this game would make someone who had been made to feel that way feel that “oh games can be female” and that’s great and fun and cool.

X: I think that’s a good place to start, I mean finish, not start, finish.

C: Alright, so…

S: Let’s do it all over again!

C: Yeah, I think so too.

X: Any more final words?

S: Mmm, this has made me wanna follow Nina Freeman more and see what her other games are like. I haven’t played her other games, I feel like… it might be worth…

C: Oh yeah!

X: The date one is sick. [Laughs] I love the date one.

C: The date one, yeah, we played that? We Met in May, the recent one.

S: Oh wait, I have actually…

X: It’s absurd, I love it. You make a boy do weird things with his arms.

C: Yeah! There’s like a game where you grab his nipples…

X: Yeeeah, my dream.

S: Ohhh, I think I’ve played one of her other games which is basically just a very, very simple one.

C: How Do You Do It?

S: Yeah yeah I’ve played How Do You Do It, that was fun.

X: That’s funny actually, because, when we were playing it, I was like, “let’s make a game, this is like…I’ll play this game! I’ll play this game forever. Like. Give me a nipple-grabbing game.” Uhm…yay!

C: Yay!

S: Woo.

X: Thanks Nina…sorry we were so critical of your game.

[Laughter]

C: Yeah, uhhh, thankyou Sian, for doing this, and also thankyou Xanthea, for doing this.

S: I’ll see you when you get up to ‘E’ for Emily is Away.

X: I’m a sound person!

[Podcast theme plays]

#game90 #cibele #podcast #nina freeman #star maid games #games of 2015 #autobiographical games #internet romance #pod oriented

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blapisblogs · 4 years

Photo

After that song ends and Corey Taylor gets a glimpse of something we’ll come back to later, we then cut to “young Corey Taylor” getting smacked and sassed by... Rob Scallon as the teacher? Yeah, Doug not only got Corey Taylor and his son Griff for this, he also brought in another musician. At least he got to contribute more to the music in this “review” than Corey Taylor did. Apparently he’s dating Tamara Chambers and that’s how he got involved with this (which makes the fact that Tamara’s here as one of his “students”... awkward at best), but judging by how desperately he’s tried to erase any mention of his involvement with this after the severe backlash it got, I’m guessing that he now regrets this. Anyway, hello, other Doug Walker regular Malcolm Ray. I have no clue who the other two “students” are, but I can only guess that they’re other regulars for Doug’s stuff. (Edit from the future: I think the other guy’s name is Walter? I know nothing about him except he works for Doug and I guess he likes Power Rangers.) All of them have high-pitched dubbed-in voices (I guess to make them sound younger in a “funny” way), and it’s really grating. Like... If you’ve read through my liveblogs about Sonic X, then you remember how I hated it whenever Bokkun said literally anything, right? Well it’s not quite as bad as him as far as the pitch goes, but it is just as annoying, if not even more so because there’s multiple people with high-pitched voices and the lyrics they get to sing in this part aren’t just annoying, they’re insulting.

Oh yeah, did I mention they sing for this next parody song?

If you know the album or the movie, you're probably already dreading this, and it's just as bad as you fear, maybe even worse. Yes, we’re at what’s probably the most popular song from The Wall: the BAFTA award-winning “Another Brick in the Wall (Part 2)”. If you don’t know, that song is preceded by “The Happiest Days of Our Lives”, which is so connected with it that most of the time it’s considered part of “Another Brick in the Wall (Part 2)” itself, as I’ve always heard it credited as part of that song on the radio. Doug does seem to know the difference though, as he notably does not parody the lyrics from “The Happiest Days of Our Lives”, which to me is a problem: that part is integral to knowing the story behind the song that follows it because it’s the part that talks about how the children in the school were abused by their teachers. Again, since Roger Waters based a lot of this off his own life and he grew up in a time where the teachers were legally allowed to physically and emotionally abuse their students, it’s pretty obvious that’s what the song’s about. Even without including “The Happiest Days of Our Lives”, Doug still parodied the scene where the teacher was humiliating young Pink in front of the entire class, reading his poems aloud and calling them “absolute rubbish” (though for this “review” it’s the teacher insulting Taylor’s musical taste in Pink Floyd, which is still shitty and psychologically damaging, and really upsets me as an autistic person who’s had their interests mocked multiple times). Despite all this, Doug claims Waters is just being a crybaby and exaggerating how bad his school life was when the abuse he suffered and the damage it caused him was real and very serious. You can say what you want about Waters’s ego, Doug, but making fun of someone for being abused, especially as a child, is a line that you should never cross.

It seems like Doug’s not satisfied enough with mocking what Roger Waters was talking about regarding his school life, though, because he goes as far as to mock all people who complain about school, dismissing detailed dissections of what’s wrong with today’s education system as “long-winded rants”. I’m convinced he didn’t actually read these “rants” he’s mocking, because there are serious problems with our education system. I could go into all the shitty things that I personally had to go through as an autistic kid, but you can find plenty of better, more detailed posts and articles talking about how fucked up America’s education system is today, to say nothing of what England’s school system was like in the 50′s (you know, the time period and experience Waters was clearly talking about with this), and this post is already long enough before I can even properly rip into this dreadful parody.

As the turd on top of this shit sundae, Doug Walker does a Dracula impression for part of the song because he’s saying that Roger Waters is calling all teachers “monsters” (yes, that’s literally the only reason). More specifically, it’s the Dracula played by Adam Sandler in the Hotel Transylvania franchise, where Sandler was already doing a weak impression of Bela Lugosi. Basically Doug’s doing an annoying, shitty impression of an already annoying, shitty impression.

Kill me.

[Lyrics (and snark) below the cut]

NC: We need more victimization (There are no good teachers! Not one! Not even by accident!) We need more stuff to rebel

[I know some people will complain about literally anything, but did you actually pay attention to what the album and film were saying? That teachers who abuse their students and try to quash their creativity and individuality is bad, something that Waters himself has clarified in interviews regarding the very song you’re parodying here? Do you not agree with that?]

(We don’t want to help you! We just want to eat your blood and suck your brains!) Though our education system’s broke (Wait, maybe it’s the other way around. I don’t know, I got a high school education! Muahahahaha!) This is pandering like hell

[You reviewed Norm of the North, Boss Baby, and the Emoji Movie despite none of those having ties to anything nostalgic (you even admitted as much in your review of the former), which was the entire point of the Nostalgia Critic. If that's not you pandering to your fanbase who just likes hearing you yell about bad movies, then I don’t know what is.]

(Remember that one teacher who seemed cool? He wasn’t! He was all part of the plan!) Hey! Who cares? All this bitching sells!

[Clearly it does considering your whole internet career is founded on that.]

(Remember that one teacher who seemed really kind and gave you candy?) Well oh well, we’ve got another hit in The Wall (That candy was really sugar-coated children's’ souls!) L-O-L, so school sucks. Grow a damn pair of balls.

[Okay, Boomer. You first. (Before anyone goes “well actually he’s not a Boomer”: I don’t care. This is such a Boomer message that a Boomer may as well be saying it.)]

(Children’s souls! We’re so evil! Muahahahaha!)

[I’m sorry for including all the evil laughing in this transcription, but it’s just as annoying to hear it, trust me.]

Bokkun “Child” chorus: Real cool visualizations (It’s all part of the plan so that you’re more likely to get a job when you’re older!) Milking your gloom and pity (Muahahahahaha! How terrible is that? Muahahahahaha! Muahahahaha!)

[Considering how schools in the way they operate now make students lose sleep, stresses them out over numbers that are assigned to tasks that have been forced upon them, and has been outdated for years since that’s not how most jobs work anymore... Yeah, it actually is terrible. You even said earlier that there are problems with our current education system, yet now you’re making fun of people who criticize it? Make up your mind.]

You hated school, who the hell didn’t? (It’s like those ‘90s commercials where the adults look like bad guys!) What’s next, hating DMVs? (Except they weren’t 90s commercials, they were really mini-documentaries! It’s all true! Muahahahaha!) Hey! Waters! Leave it on F-B!

[We get it already, Doug, you really hate Waters’s ego and the things he talks about in these songs. You’ve already talked about that in your previous parody, can you move onto something else about the movie that isn’t that? So far you’re making it sound like that’s the only thing worth talking about regarding this film.]

(We really don’t see what makes Cinnamon Toast Crunch so great!) All and all, complaining doesn’t mean much at all

[Well, at least you’re able to admit that your career means nothing.]

(Because we’re old! Muahahahaha!) But who cares, it’s still a damn cool song in The Wall (Bleh bleh bleh bleh, I’m a teacher, bleh bleh bleh bleh!)

[In case anyone was wondering why I said it was Adam Sandler’s shitty Bela Lugosi impression he was doing and not just a shitty Bela Lugosi impression, there you go. (For those who don’t get it: the “bleh bleh bleh” thing is a recurring “joke” in at least the first Hotel Transylvania. Yes, it’s as lame as it sounds.)]

We still need more persecutions (Muahahahahahaha! Ahehahahahahehe suck your blood, bleh!) (??) need to hear you (???) (Stabula!)

[I’m giving this my best shot, I really am, but... all I hear for that last set of question marks there is a really inappropriate c-word.]

What are you big boys to say school’s lame? Based on a long-winded rant?

[Hmm, posts and articles made by people who know what they’re talking about explaining how the American school system (since that’s what you’re basing this on rather than the one Waters wrote about) needs some serious retooling in order to cause less burnout, stress and trauma with literal children that can and will affect them in the short and long term when they grow up, or some internet jackass who gets paid for yelling at things and hasn’t been to a high school since at least the 90′s. Gee, I wonder whose opinion on that subject matters more in this situation. (That was sarcasm, by the way, for those who couldn’t tell.)]

Hey! Twitter! (???) bloody (???)!

[I’ve tried my best to figure out what they’re saying here, but this is one of the few times that I cannot actually tell no matter how hard I try, I’m sorry.

So anyway, the TL;DR version of what I think of what this parody song has to say about the original can be summed up in one Kermit gif:

...Why aren’t I watching The Great Muppet Caper instead?]

#Blapis tears down NC's The Wall #abuse mention //#child abuse mention //#long post #bold text warning #very long post #gif warning

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winterknight1087 · 4 years

Text

Science Songs for Their Sunlight

Summary: Logan and Virgil are science YouTubers; Roman and Patton are dealing with these introverted scientists. Lo and Vee write two songs for their boyfriends.

Word Count: 4,988

Warnings: food mention, two small kissed on forehead and cheek, small amount of angst

Pairings: Romantic LAMP

AO3 Link My Writing

This is a random idea I had while watching AsapScience so made a small AU out of it, I guess. The two songs are from AsapScience. Highly recommended to watch the videos before reading, or not, whatever I guess :) Science STYLE Cover - Taylor Swift Acapella Parody

The Science Love Song

“What are you doing, Vee?” Logan slumped into the seat next to the man.

Virgil glanced at his boyfriend, deciding if he wanted to address the issue immediately or let it sit a little, before letting out a sigh. “I’m taking a small break from working on a possible new video to look through our YouTube comments for future experiments.”

“Hmm…” Logan was trying to be interested, but nothing really mattered compared to what was on his mind. “What is the video idea? Another lab?”

Virgil nervously shifted. “No, it’s a song. People liked the “Science Wars” one, so I figured that I could be petty back- I mean people would like another song?”

That caught Logan’s attention. “Why do you need a means to be petty and what has Princey done this time?”

Virgil went red as he started playing with his mouse. “I… well… Ro was just being Ro and probably doesn’t mean it. It’s just that it felt a little too personal and I didn’t tell him to stop because we were just poking fun at each other but it just kind of stuck with me so I figured that a passive-aggressive science song would make me feel a bit better about the whole thing. Now that I’m saying it all aloud though, I’m realizing how stupid all of it is and I am now just wasting your time and have already wasted a bit of my own time working on it…”

Logan gently moved Virgil’s hand away from the mouse and set it on his chest. “Virgil, breathe with me. We can discuss the cognitive distortions you are experiencing once you are breathing properly.”

Logan quietly worked the man through the breathing exercises, relieved to have a real distraction from his own issues with their other partners. Finally, Virgil was breathing properly and sat back, looking awkward, but otherwise better.

“Now, let’s talk this through. You are welcome to feel whatever you felt regarding Roman’s… comments. Would you be willing to tell me about them?”

Virgil sighed. “It was just passive things like ‘you nerds are so interested in something so out of style’ and that we aren’t even doing anything fun like making iPhone apps or whatever.”

Logan nodded, shoving his own irritation at Roman’s comments aside. “So, you are working on some song to help you achieve what?”

The man’s head hid behind his hands as his voice squirmed out of his fingers. “It’s a Taylor Swift parody of her song ‘Style’ but about science.”

“May I see what you have so far?”

Against what was probably Virgil’s better judgment, he switched to the video ‘script’. Logan scrolled through the work Virgil had already put into this. It was just as dramatic as ‘Science Wars’ had been.

When did he do all of this work? Logan couldn’t help but wonder.

“If it is any consolation to you, Virgil. I believe this would be incredibly well received by our fans. I also believe it is a fair… what is the term?... oh clapback at the science haters.”

“Yeah?”

Logan nodded. “Yes. You have my full support and willingness to participate in this parody for our channel. Please inform me when you wish me to set up our cameras and sound equipment for the recording.”

“Heh. Thanks, Lo.” Virgil had a small grin now, but it quickly vanished. “OK, so my problem has been addressed. What’s got you all weird?”

It was Logan’s turn to sigh. “I may have overheard our partners discussing how my attempts at showing affection are sublime.”

“I don’t see Patton ever saying something like that,” Virgil stated.

Logan nodded. “He wasn’t openly saying it, but he had been with Roman discussing ways to explain what love was because, and I quote, ‘Logan just doesn’t seem to understand’.”

Virgil thought that over before carefully answering. “That still doesn’t feel like something Pat would say or do, Lo. I have a feeling that you are missing a bit of information from what happened.”

He nodded. “That is what I assume as well, but it is still hard to not worry about. I don’t wish to bring this up with Patton as I am sure it was supposed to be a private conversation, but I wish to do something.”

“Huh, same solution for different issues.” Virgil huffed with amusement.

“What do you mean?”

“A science love song,” Virgil answered. “You can show Patton that your understanding of what love is may not be the same as his, but you do understand, and you can fill it with cute little lines that Patton will love.”

Logan thought about it. “I… believe that may work. One issue though, I do not write the songs we perform. You do. I am not well-versed in song-making.”

Virgil smiled at the poor nerd. “You write a bunch of lines about love and science, all your own words, and I can arrange it into a song. I should be finished with my petty revenge by the time you are done.”

“But lines like what? That ‘the chemical formula for love is C8H11NO2+C10H12N2O+C43H66N12O12S2’?”

“‘…and you make my brain the chemist who produces it.’ There you go. One line of science love.” Virgil commented. “Wait, do you really have the formula for love in your memory?”

Logan wasn’t sure he had ever blushed as deep red as he was right then. “I will plead the Fifth before returning to my study to consider what you have proposed.”

“Nerd.” Virgil laughed as he returned to his own work.

* * * *

“RoRo, I’m starting to get worried about those two. Neither of them has shown up longer than a few minutes to get more coffee or a snack from the fridge since yesterday morning.”

Roman’s eyebrow shot up. “Well, I figured Vee would be off hiding but Lo is too?”

Patton gave the other a questioning look. “And why do you figure VeeVee?”

“I…Well… We were having some of our normal banter and I think one or two of my comments shook him more than normal. I tried to talk to him about it, but he said that he was fine.”

“Roman, what did you say to our poor anxious babe?”

“It was just normal banter stuff! We were poking fun at each other’s views of Disney, music, YouTube preferences, that sort of thing. I think one just got under his skin this time.”

“And what about Logan?”

“I didn’t say anything to him! Other than my normal morning and proclamations of love for our dear nerd!” Roman threw a hand over his chest, pretending to be offended that Pat would suggest he hurt two of his loves in the same day. “Maybe he’s helping Vee with whatever I said that set him off.”

Pat leaned against the counter thinking. “I don’t know, Ro. I’m just getting worried about the two of them. Normally, they would at least have a meal with us if they were doing stuff.”

“It is nothing to be concerned about, Patton.” Logan’s voice appeared before the man himself. “We are merely working on some interesting video ideas for our channel.”

Roman raised an eyebrow at him. “You almost sound excited, Lo.”

Logan rolled his eyes but didn’t respond to the prince. “Were you requiring us for something, Patton?”

“No, but I can just miss seeing my two favorite science nerds!” Patton answered, cheerfully, desperately trying to keep his concern to a minimum.

Logan started preparing a couple of sandwiches. “Both of us have made sure to seek you out and show you that we are fine, Patton. There is no need to be concerned about Virgil and me. Our video is just very special to the two of us, so we are focused on that right now.”

“What’s the video about, our amazing northern star?” Roman asked.

Logan paused for a moment, which made the sunshine half of the relationship worry even more. “We will show the two of you once we are finished. It’s merely a video about an important formula: C8H11NO2+C10H12N2O+C43H66N12O12S2.”

“And how you have that entire thing memorized is still beyond me!” Virgil stated, making the three men jump, not having noticed him join them.

“I thought you were deep in the middle of the composition, Virge.”

The anxious man grinned as he raised a very familiar item up. “I was, but we ran out of coffee.”

Logan grinned. “Oh, the beloved C25H28N6O7.”

“I guess the nerds aren’t making a video on coffee then?” Roman sounded like he was trying to state it, but his lack of chemical formulas made it into a question.

Patton took the coffee pot from Virgil. “Just how much coffee have you two consumed since yesterday?”

The starlight half glanced at each other before Logan answered. “Together? I want to say about six pots? I assure you that we have also had water and tea intermixed with the coffee.”

Patton’s finger tapped the side of the empty pot. “Before I let you two have another, I would like to ask that you two show up for dinner tonight, alright? Yes, Logan, I can see that you are making Virgil and yourself sandwiches. I still wish to have a proper dinner with all three of my boyfriends!”

Once again, the starlight half looked at each other. This time, the looks were clearly fond and amused, which ease something in Patton.

“Only if we might request that we have the house to ourselves tomorrow. We have quite a bit of recording to accomplish and would like the assurance that we aren’t bothering the two of you.” Logan answered.

“Bothering us? With what? You two rarely make enough noise that it passes through the walls.” Roman commented.

“What is this, 20-questions? Can we just make this request without having to explain everything?” Virgil asked.

Patton sighed. “Alright, but more secrets? I’m starting to become really worried about the two of you. Did we do something wrong? Please, just assure me of that. Did we do or say something wrong to either of you?”

“What?” Logan sounded surprised. “No, of course not, Patton.”

“Well, Ro has said plenty, but nothing is wrong, Pat. We are just excited about what we’re working on and we want to have it finished quickly. The two of you will be the first to see the finished product, Lo and I promise! You’ll understand once you see the video!”

“Alright,” Pat sighed. “I’m not sure what Ro and I will do, but we’ll let you two do your thing tomorrow.”

Logan smiled at him. “Why don’t you leave that to me? This part of the video process is pretty much Virgil’s job anyway. It’ll be a way for us to apologize for worrying you.”

“Oh, you don’t have to! We can figure something out.”

“Have and want are two different things.”

Roman, being the dramatic prince he was, pretended to crumple under the table. “Such horror! Lo-berry using Patty-Cake’s own ideas against him!”

“Perish then,” Virgil stated, taking the coffee pot from Patton and setting the machine up.

* * * *

What the sunshine gays wouldn’t find out until dinner was that Logan set them up for a day of their favorite activities, ones that the starlight gays had no interest in participating in. He explained it away to Virgil that Roman wouldn’t be able to complain about never getting to go dancing for at least a month after tomorrow.

Virgil nodded along, knowing that whatever Patton and Roman had actually been discussing, they would understand just how much Logan loved both of them after tomorrow. A full day of things both of them loved and enjoyed? With nothing close to an ‘I’ll do it because someone else loves it’ option? Virgil was watching the planning masterpiece of a man truly in love.

* * * *

The next morning, the four boyfriends enjoyed a sleepy breakfast together. Virgil had spent almost an hour making sure everything was perfect before Patton and Roman sat at the table. Logan came down a full ten minutes later but still appreciated the effort Virgil put in, though he was mildly concerned about whether Virgil had actually gone to sleep or not.

Once breakfast was finished, Logan presented Patton and Roman copies of their itinerary. He had already placed an extra in the car and sent a photo of it into their group chat, knowing that the two were probably going to somehow lose the paper copies and, if he were a betting man, one of their phones.

Patton was pulling on his shoes as Virgil started dumping some of their recording stuff on the living room couch. He could see how excited the normally anxiety-ridden man was. Virgil was humming a song, Patton wasn’t sure but it sounded like Taylor Swift, as he worked. The sight was enough to finally get rid of the worry Patton had been feeling and fill him with his own excitement.

Upstairs, Roman was starting to become more confused, rather than relaxed. Logan was acting very… un-Logan-like. He had a small, shy smile as he went about gathering things. Roman was also certain he could hear the normally stoic man muttering science stuff under his breath about atoms, balancing equations, and another chemical formula. Logan even went as far as to compliment Roman’s outfit!

“What is up with you, Calculator Watch!” Roman finally demanded.

Logan looked shocked as his body took an automatic step back. “What are you talking about, Roman?”

“You are acting weirder than normal!”

“Do I not normally compliment your choice of outfit when you dress up?” Logan asked, confused.

“I…Well… Yes, you do… But?”

Logan glanced at his watch. “Patton and you should be leaving fairly soon if you wish to make the movie.”

“Uh… Yeah, right. Off I go, I guess?”

Logan kissed his cheek before returning to whatever it was he had been doing. Roman was feeling even more off now but didn’t say anything else. Downstairs was almost normal if the Emo ever actually listened to pop music. The comment slipped from Roman’s lips before he’d actually thought about it.

“Not my fault that you are constantly getting weird songs stuck in my head. I have to listen to some pop songs in order to finally have at least the full song in my head when one of your random bursts gets a single line stuck.” Virgil answered.

“Oh, just let them be, RoRo. They’re excited about their video, so let them be excited. It’s a nice change compared to their usual show of interest.” Patton said as they got into the car.

“Which is little to none! It’s strange!” he answered.

Patton slipped his hand into Roman’s as he backed out of their driveway. “Put it aside and let’s enjoy our day out. Logan put a lot of thought into it, so let’s make sure we enjoy it!”

“True, alright, Padre, let’s see!” Roman reached into his pocket for his copy of the schedule, only to find it wasn’t there.

“Logan really does know us.” He commented, grabbing the car copy.

* * * *

“So, you’re telling me that this song is designed as a simple thing because it’s Logan’s song?”

“Yeah, I figured simpler would be better for him.”

“Gurl, if those two sunshine and rainbow gays do not love this, I say the two of you dump them and let me join. I’ll even bring my own sunshine.”

“Remy, it is not considerate to drag Emile into a polyamorous relationship without consulting with them about it first.”

“Gurl, you are lucky those two will absolutely love this then.”

Virgil rolled his eyes before looking at all the friends who had agreed to help them on such short notice. “Thank you all so much for helping us with this. We have a lot to do, and little time so let’s get this long day of filming over with!”

The team decided to conquer the Science Style video first as there were a lot of working parts to it compared to the Science Love Song. Did everyone in the room know it was insane to try and record two full songs in one day? Yes. Were they determined to beat some imaginary record on video making skills? Absolutely.

As Logan checked in with everyone, he felt relief fill him that Pat and Ro were out for the day. The team had split into different groups: filming, animation and drawing, editing, and sound, each taking up a room of their own. Filming had the living and dining room. The art group had the kitchen, which had the most light as they screamed, kicking out any and everyone trying to take their lighting away. Editing sat in their bedroom, taking advantage of all comfortable spots as they worked. Sound sat in the house’s converted studio. Logan was shocked at the amount of work they were all placing into this video, and he was suddenly struck with something as he knew he couldn’t have ever made better friends.

With his small break, Virgil made everyone sandwiches for lunch. They’d all agreed on pizza for dinner as a reward for all the stuff they had accomplished today, but Virgil figured that sandwiches were a safe enough option for lunch. People would be able to eat them as they wished when they weren’t solely focused on their task. Once that was done, and as he was called back to recording, he sent off the pizza order so that the store had time to make the ten pizzas. Thank goodness for coupons, Virgil couldn’t help but think as he was maneuvered to his spot.

* * * *

“RoRo! Look!”

Roman turned and saw a little pottery painting shop. “Lo’s schedule says we’re supposed to be having lunch, Pat.”

“But we’re going to a buffet later! Let’s go make something for our precious scientists! We can make them new coffee mugs!”

Roman pretended to think about it as Patton put up his greatest attack. “Oh no! Patty-dog eyes! One of my three weaknesses! Right up there with Lo’s pleased smirk and Virge’s giggles! I shall never recover from this great defeat! What shall we put on these mugs of those nerds?”

“Well, they are super into whatever science video they are making today, so why don’t we make it something about science for them? LoLo has been super interested in chemistry and those long formula things, so we could put like different ones on it with like the weird drawings that go with them! It’s a simpler idea, but he enjoys the smaller details and we could draw the formulas for happiness, love, interest, that sort of thing. For VeeVee we could do little science images like lab coats, little goggles, and a flask thingy or the Mars rover with the 1s and 0s spelling out ‘we love you’! It’ll be still science-y but full of images of science things he likes!”

Roman nodded as he opened the door for his heart. “How about you work on Lo’s and I do Vee’s? I think I have an idea for his.”

Patton nodded. “Alright, but we are signing both of them with lots of love, OK?”

Roman placed a kiss on the other’s forehead, as a worker came over to help them. “Of course!”

* * * *

“OK, Patton just texted saying that they are leaving the swing dance club–which I still do not believe exists, for your information,” Virgil commented to Logan.

Emile giggled. “Guess it’s time for all of us to skedaddle outta here if we want to be One Jump ahead of your SO’s!”

Talyn glanced up from their laptop. “There is still so much editing to do.”

Logan chuckled. “We can explain to those two why you and Joan are on our couch. It means so much that all of you helped us do the impossible. Thank you!”

“Gurl, I think Lo needs to go to bed if he’s getting sentimental. Well, see you ladies and non-binary gentlefolk tomorrow for the adorable reveal!” Remy announced as Emile dragged him out the door.

Logan and Virgil got to cleaning up once everyone but Joan and Talyn was gone. Thankfully, their friends had been neat, so it was mostly straightening things and taking out the trash. The two boyfriends grinned at each other before plopping onto the couch with the last two.

Almost half an hour later, Patton and Roman walked through the door, talking about something they’d seen earlier. They were mildly startled to see two extra people in their living room, but Patton let out a squeal before tackling Talyn in a hug. After some chitchat, Joan suggested they head to the studio to continue working on the edits. Virgil went with them, after telling Patton that Logan was to go to bed. The man did not appreciate it but did as he was told.

Three of the four boyfriends curled up in their bed, unfortunately, used to the forth not being there. Pat pouted at that thought, wishing Vee would go to bed more often, but if Joan and Talyn were going to work through the night on the video edits, Virgil was going to be there as well. Patton didn’t know that the other two in the bed were also thinking the same thing.

* * * *

“RoRo and I need to go pick something up. Did you two want us out for longer?”

“Nah, I think we are good to go. Would you mind if some more of our friends came over later though?”

“Our dark prince wanting to throw a party? Who are you and what have you done to our beloved introvert!”

Joan grinned. “Exhaustion has finally claimed the boi!”

“I’m not the one who couldn’t say Viking metal at least.”

“What?”

The two sleepy ones started to giggle while Talyn looked ready to shove them into a fiery pit. “They kept saying Vetal Miking.”

“How the three of you ended up discussing that is beyond me,” Roman commented. “But I have no issue with a friendly get together! How about you, Patty?”

“I’ll be sure to pick up some more snacks! We seemed to have run out.”

Logan snorted which sent all three sleepy ones into a fit of exhausted giggles. He rolled his eyes at them, which made them giggle even harder. Pat and Ro went to pick up their mugs while Logan made Vee, Joan, and Talyn take a nap. Not too long afterwards, Roman and Patton returned with bags, chatting, but were quickly silenced by Lo, who waved at the sleeping figures on the couch. After a quiet lunch, Logan texted their friends that they were welcome to return for the reveal.

It was approximately two hours after lunch, Logan surmised, by the time everyone arrived, each ready to watch the final product of their extensive effort yesterday. He was a bit nervous to see what it looked like as only Virgil, Joan, and Talyn saw what was finished. Finally, Virgil pulled up the first video and told their sunshine half that this was the first of two videos. He started with the Science parody of Style.

Roman instantly knew this was what became of Virgil’s unease with his comments. Not that Virgil would ever know, but Roman tucked away the thought ‘avoid making fun of science videos’ into his list of things not to poke fun at. Despite this, he was laughing with everyone else at the two nerds trying to be cool and just being their nerdy selves.

“I guess I now know why you were humming Taylor Swift yesterday.” He joked once the video was finished.

“You were still the reason I even knew of that song’s existence. So, it’s still your fault.” Virgil laughed. “So, is science out of style?”

Roman laughed as he yanked the nerd into a hug. “I guess not, but you two pretending to have style is so out of style. I love it and I love you dorks.”

“Alright, so next song is quite a bit of a change in tempo from that, so you two enjoy!”

By the point the song got to the line ‘I’ll be your star if you’ll be my space’, Patton was sobbing and clinging to Logan. Lo was adorably shy and smiley and Patton just couldn’t help but cling to the stoic nerd. He didn’t fully understand some of the more specific scientific parts but it was a love song and his two favorite nerds wrote it and like it was perfect!

“Alright, so I understand the first video, but what was up with the second?” Roman asked.

Logan awkwardly cleared his throat. “I may have overheard you and Patton discussing how I don’t seem to understand love, so Virgil proposed that we make a scientific love song.”

“Oh no no no no!” Patton pulled him in even tighter. “I was saying that you didn’t seem to understand what I was doing to show you affection! That wasn’t about you, Logibear! You show love in small things. I wanted to know what I could do to show my love to you, in ways you would be comfortable with!”

“See, there was more that you didn’t know, Lo,” Virgil commented.

“Wait, then what was that formula you were sprouting out then?” Roman asked.

Virgil huffed. “He has the formula for love memorized and tricked me into realizing what it was too! Blasted chemicals for dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin! He tricked me into memorizing the formula as well! He didn’t even use the cute line that started the entire song idea! Like, come on! You’d have been a puddle for ‘the chemical formula for love is C8H11NO2+C10H12N2O+C43H66N12O12S2, and you make my brain the chemist who produces it’.”

“Gurl, I almost want to see you try and shove that line into the song,” Remy commented.

“Actually, that reminds me! RoRo, this is the perfect time to give them their presents!” Patton giggled.

“If our beloved heart says so, then so shall it be!” Roman announced before picking up two bags, one purple, and the other navy.

“GAAAAAAY!” one of their friends called, causing an amused chuckle to ripple through the group.

Logan and Virgil accepted their bags with confusion. Logan pulled his mug out first and looked over the various chemicals and their structural formula designed on the mug. Each was in one of their favorite colors. Dopamine was in red. Oxytocin was in a navy blue whereas Serotonin was in a lighter blue. The final formula was endorphins, which were in purple. Logan bit his tongue as he began to pick out the minor errors in the structural formulae. He would probably end up taking a Sharpie or something and carefully fixing the errors later, but for now, he vocally praised the mug, knowing that Pat and Ro designed it with him in mind, which was more worthy of his attention than some small errors.

Virgil pulled his mug out to find the word STEAM on it. Behind each letter was a cartoon of something related to it. The ‘S’ had a lab coat, goggles and a beaker like a scientist. The ‘T’ had an iPhone with little apps that Roman has suggested Virgil attempt to make. ‘E’ had a computer screen on it with a bunch of 0s and 1s on the screen (which Roman would later tell him was binary code for ‘we love you’ and Virgil did not tear up at that, no siree). ‘A’ was the props from their Science Wars video. ‘M’ had a coordinate plane with the shape and equation of a heart on it. It was so extra and so obviously Princey and Patton that Virgil couldn’t help but love the mug, even if it were a bit more eccentric than his normal style.

“Wow, you two are just as nerdy as we are.” Virgil commented, before yanking the other three into a tight hug.

“Well, we do happen to have two brilliant scientists as our boyfriends, so it was bound to happen that we would pick up some nerdy things.” Patton giggled.

The group hung out for a bit before people had to get going. Logan stopped Remy and Emile before insisting that they ensure Joan and Talyn got home safely. The non-binary pals tried to fight it, but Mama Remy was already in full swing, so they accepted their fate. Virgil watched, knowing that they had it lucky, especially when Mama Lo turned on him.

Half an hour later, Virgil was cocooned in blankets with his boyfriends surrounding him on their bed, ensuring that he wouldn’t make a bid for freedom. He had a fat smile on his face as Pat and Ro gushed over the videos and Lo explained some of the finer points to them.

How two scientists managed to fall in love with these two rays of sunlight, Logan could only theorize. He did know that they were the loves of his life. He watched as his starlight fell asleep to the sunshine’s chatter, finding his eyes getting heavy as well.

Patton was unsurprisingly the next one to fall into the realms of sleep. While he loved the videos equally, the love song was soft and specifically for them. His mind couldn’t help but replay every word from it, softly singing him to sleep with the insanely intelligent men around him.

Roman was the last to give in. He carefully set aside Lo and Pat’s glasses so that they didn’t accidentally break them. Roman smiled, staring at his three loves: Logan, his stars; Virgil, his moon; and Patton, his sun. He gave an amused huff as he shut his eyes. Maybe Lo and Vee did rub some of their nerdiness on him, but he wouldn’t trade it for the world.

#LAMP #CALM #tw: food #Science songs #Sage writes #Fanfic

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chiseler · 5 years

Text

An Interview With Screenwriter Louisa Rose

In 1973, Brian De Palma released Sisters, his Siamese twin mystery thriller starring Margot Kidder and Charles Durning. After a string of social satires which, to be honest, haven’t aged very well, Sisters was De Palma’s breakthrough film, the one that would cement the form and style for which he’d come to be known. A year later he released the horror/comedy/glam rock opera Phantom of the Paradise starring the great Paul Williams. Hitting theaters more than a year before Rocky Horror, Phantom combined elements from Faust, Phantom of the Opera and about a dozen other sources into a bright, fast, wicked comic book satire of the music business. The film went on to become a cult favorite.

Both films were written by screenwriter Louisa Rose, though she is rarely credited for her work on Phantom. After some reputed and proverbial creative differences, De Palma removed her name from the film and rewrote the script, taking sole screenwriting credit. Although Rose disagrees with me, I think it can be argued it was her work on these two scripts, particularly Sisters, that drew attention to De Palma as a director.

After spending the first 20 years of her adult life in New York City, she and her husband relocated first to Spokane and then to Seattle about a decade back. Not long ago, I spoke with her via phone about her career as a playwright and Hollywood screenwriter.

Jim Knipfel: How did you get started in screenwriting?

Louisa Rose: {Laughs} By accident. I was one of those kids who wrote poetry in high school. I went to college thinking I wanted to be an actress. Theater was my primary interest. I found that I really enjoyed the rehearsal process, but really did not enjoy acting for an audience. That was not a recommendation for a career on stage, so part of my theater concentration (we called our majors “concentrations” at Sarah Lawrence) was writing for the theater. And that’s what I really loved. Brian De Palma was at Columbia, and though they had extra-curricular student theater, they did not have the intensive program as part of the curriculum that SLC did, and does.

At any rate, Brian and another Columbia student came to Sarah Lawrence to do theater and some film projects, because the head of the theater department, Wilford Leach, was interested in film as well. He was a mentor for Brian. The first film project, I believe, was a short piece called The Wedding Party. I don’t know if you’ve heard of that.

JK: Oh, yes, I’ve seen it.

LR: After that Brian made Murder a la Mod and Dionysus, I think it was.

JK: You mean Dionysus in ’69?

LR: Yes, Dionysus in ’69 started out as a theater piece. Scared the shit out of me when I went to see it. It was created by an interesting experimental director, Richard Schechner, as a mass quasi-orgy experience. The venue, The Performing Garage, had stadium seating, actually more like large long shelves almost to the ceiling – and you had to climb ladders to reach them. Then the actors would climb up and invite you to “join the dance.” And I saw one coming toward me… “No, I am not joining the dance. I am an observer” {laughs}.

Brian did his Masters at Sarah Lawrence, and one of his projects was to direct my senior play. That’s how I got to know him. I then went on to get my MFA in theater. So he knew me and he was looking for someone to write a script for Sisters. He felt his idea for the film would be marketable, but he needed a script. It sounded like fun, and actually became my Master’s thesis.

JK: Really?

LR: Yeah, so that’s how I got to work on Sisters.

JK: So he came to you with the story?

LR: He had kind of an outline. He had this idea that it would be twins, one evil and one good sister…You know, it’s just so long ago it’s hard for me to remember. There were certain points, certain visual things he wanted. We worked together on the story, and then I wrote the script.

As for Phantom of the Fillmore …

JK: Um, you mean Phantom of the Paradise?

LR: That’s it, Phantom of the Fillmore. It became Paradise.

{Note: After catching wind of the film’s original title, the owners of The Fillmore filed a lawsuit, forcing the change. Another lawsuit, this one filed by Led Zeppelin, forced the name of the films central record company, Swan Song, be changed to Death Records.}

LR: I took time off from working in NYC to go to LA and write scripts for Sisters and Phantom. At that point, I was a single mother, and my daughter Alissa was two and a half. I brought her with me and had her in day care. I had a contract for a total of $80,000 for the two scripts. But when it came to getting paid, Brian delayed and delayed, told me it was not a good time and that I needed to wait. As usual, actors, director, camera persons, etc. were paid. I needed the money, had to sue to be paid, and only received a quarter of the contract money. Brian had been a friend, and it felt like a betrayal.

But back to the movie, what is your take on Sisters? What are the things you notice about it?

JK: I went back just a couple days ago and watched it again. Just in terms of De Palma’s career, it was a big turning point for him. Discounting Murder A La Mod, he’d been doing all those goofy satires like Greetings and Hi Mom! And Get to Know your Rabbit. Sisters was the first of his thrillers and the first of his Hitchcock homages, the things he’d come to be known for.

LR: Right.

JK: Ignoring the Psycho model at play, one of the things that always struck me about Sisters was that in lesser hands the big Siamese twins reveal would have been saved until the last ten or fifteen pages of the script, but here we get it about forty minutes in. Even before that, they gave it away in the poster; they gave it away in the tagline. There was no secret the killer—or killers—were Siamese twins. But then of course there’s the later twist, which brings us back to Psycho.

LR: Mm-hmm.

JK: What really sticks with me, though, is the whole final sequence from Jennifer Salt’s hypnotism to that final shot of Charles Durning staring through the binoculars at the couch. It’s so good. I love that ending so much. Also, having come to know of her only later, I was amazed to see what a good actress Margot Kidder was.

LR: I thought she was very appealing and a really good choice for the part.

JK: In the end Sisters, more so than the thrillers that would follow—Dressed to Kill, Body Double, Blow Out—is the one I always go back to, because even the Hitchcock stuff is still fairly understated at that point. So I’m wondering, how much of that final script, what made it to the screen, was yours?

LR I think I have a copy of my original script here, if I could find it. It was much longer and needed to be cut. I really don’t know. It was a long time ago and I’d need to re-read it.

There is a Blu-Ray copy of Sisters put out by Arrow that has interviews of some people who worked on the film.

I’ve got it somewhere.]

My husband keeps saying I should show it to our teenage grandchildren, but it might destroy their image of me as nice old grandma. On the other hand, some years ago, our two nephews watched it as young teenagers and looked at me with new respect—or was it fear?

Now, what is funny is that Sisters is kind of a cult film, and so is Phantom. About ten years ago, shortly after we moved to Seattle, I got a call from a young woman originally from Winnipeg.

JK: The one city where Phantom was a big hit when it came out.

LR: Yes, it was a cult film there, with a festival and now possibly a documentary about the festival. We had a visit, and she mailed me – I believe it was a production copy of the script for Sisters.

JK: So what was it like for you, a young woman writing films in the Seventies?

LR: There are things funny and not funny that happened…Nothing about the movie business appealed to me, based on my very limited experience. The people were kind of awful. I have memories of someone from the studio, a married accountant. He said, “Oh, I have to go to San Francisco to scout locations, and you could come with me.” The whole approach was making me nervous, and I said, “Well, I have a two-year-old daughter with me, so, uh, no I can’t do that.” And he said, “Well, we could bring your daughter and get baby-sitting for her, and then we could have a Really Good Time.” I thought, oh, just leave me alone—I’m not a gorgeous actress, I’m a writer.

JK: Not that long ago I interviewed an actress from the late Fifties who up and left the movie business for twenty years because she wouldn’t put up with that.

LR: Women were treated horribly in Hollywood as elsewhere. When I went to look for a job in New York after college, there were separate job listings for men and women. Men could apply for management-track jobs and women could be a “Gal Fri” or a “Secy.”

I was very taken by a piece in Ms. Magazine about a woman who worked in a factory that made plutonium pellets and who became a whistle-blower. I thought it would make a good movie.

JK: You mean Karen Silkwood?

LR: That’s it. So I met a woman who worked at New Line Cinema, who got me an interview with a producer there. I came in and I was supposed to pitch my idea. It was almost like a parody of a scene in a Hollywood movie about a Hollywood movie. The guy is sitting there with his feet up on the desk and he has these three or four male cronies sitting around, and he’s cracking jokes and they’re all laughing heartily at his jokes. Eventually he said, “So you want to write a script,” and I said “Yeah.” I started telling him about it, and he kept interrupting me. He was horrified to learn that Karen Silkwood, a single mother, had left her children with their grandparents so she could take a well-paying job at the plant. “No one would ever go to see a movie about a woman who leaves her children,” he announced. Basically, the interview was over at that point. He looked at me and asked if I knew how to type. When I said yes, he said,

“Well, you could come and be a typist here.”

JK: My god.

LR: At that point, I said, “I think you’ve really got too much going on here to pay attention, so I think this isn’t working too well.” He sprang up from his desk and stalked off, bright red, furious. He came back and said, “I have never been so insulted in my life.” That was the end of that. {Laughs.}

{Note: For what it’s worth, Rose’s instincts were good. Director Mike Nichols’ take on the Silkwood story, starring Meryl Streep and written by Nora Ephron, was released in 1983.}

LR: Then, because I’d written a horror movie, I was offered other projects. One was to be a murder film involving Debbie Harry, the lead singer with Blondie, the rock group. The only requirement as far as the potential director was concerned was that it needed to have seven or eight murders. The rest was up to me. I met Debbie Harry and talked to her to get a sense of what she could do. You just get a sense of what people can do. She had no acting background.

JK: Would this have been her first picture?

LR: It would have been, I think, but it was never made. At one point, she said “Well, I just want to play the part of a housewife in the movie.” And I thought she’d be more believable as the person she actually was. So I made it about a rock group beset by a number of murders. I think it had seven murders. Then I came back for the next meeting. She’d read the script and said, “I can’t do this movie; it’s the story of my life.” And I thought, WHAT? {Laughs.}. I mean, WHAT? So that one didn’t happen.

JK: So that was, what, around 1980?

LR: I think so, late Seventies or early Eighties. Something like that.

JK: So that was after Monique was made?

LR; {pause} So you know about that.

JK: Yes.

LR: How did you find out about that?

JK: Well, it’s listed on your filmography online, and I’ve seen it.

LR: {Sighs heavily and laughs} It has very little to do with me. Believe me, I’ve seen it also. That’s the thing about screenwriting. Who knows? You sit at home and do your writing, but who knows what will emerge?

I was hired by a French would-be feature film director who had done film work for a famous French fashion house. He wanted a story about a woman who becomes psychotic when she learns her husband is gay and proceeds to murder a bunch of gay men.

I don’t recognize the script part of it and wish I didn’t have a credit on it. It’s one of the worst things I’ve ever seen, and I think you can agree with me.

JK: I was going to hold my tongue.

LR: Well, don’t.

JK: It was pretty bad. But I will tell you, it is extremely hard to find nowadays.

LR: Good.

And then there was the time an agent called and said she had a project for me, and that I didn’t have to do my best writing; I could do my second best writing.

JK: That sounds promising.

LR: Well as a writer if someone called and said they had a project but that you’d only have to do your second-best writing, what would you say?

JK: I think I’d ask how much it paid.

LR: But what would be you’re “second-best writing”? It’s like we have it in categories. It’s like, do I want Double A grade eggs? Should they be certified, “humanely raised”? Or do you just want ordinary eggs? How do you apply that to writing? Sure. I can write bad scenes, but I don’t have a special price category for them.

There was another project that I thought was extremely funny. Somebody, God, I can’t even remember who it was anymore; a producer had bought the rights to The Sensuous Woman. Have you heard of that one?

JK: Oh, sure, yes. It was a huge bestseller back then.

LR: It was written by someone only identified as “J” at the time and was supposed to be an advice book. I think one of the funniest suggestions was supposedly made by a woman who found she could have an orgasm by leaning against the dryer when it was running—or maybe it was the washing machine during the final spin cycle. {laughs}. My job was to take the book and think of some way to dramatize it and turn it into a movie. The producer, it turned out, had a history of hiring writers and refusing to pay them by claiming that they had not given him a satisfactory script. The previous writer had been a well-known playwright.

JK: So it was around that point you decided to walk away from films?

LR: I didn’t walk away in the sense that I said, “I’m not doing film-script writing anymore.” But, I wanted to do theater, and I was also trying to bring up a daughter. The head of my college theater department, Wil Leach, had gone to work as artistic director at Joe Papp’s Shakespeare Festival. Wil decided to do an all-black version of Mother Courage. It was to be set in America at the time of the Indian Wars. Post-Civil War. Everything was recast, and he didn’t use the Brecht score. He had a composer to do a new score, and he had a black lyricist, who said, “I’m not doing this, it doesn’t pay enough.” Will knew that I had done lyrics for a couple of theatre pieces I worked on in college. So he asked if I would like to do it. It was a really interesting project, taking the Brecht lyrics in German and finding an equivalent way to do them for this production. I don’t know German, so they gave me a German professor from Wesleyan, and we went over the lyrics word by word. We talked a lot about the connotations of the words. I had a Black English dictionary, and I had all kinds of materials. I just loved doing that.

JK: Now when was this, roughly?

LR: In 1980. Before that I also did a couple of plays at La MaMa, one of which went to Off Broadway. It seems when I look back at the things I’ve done, so many of them involve really painful experiences. I think I’m not well suited to keeping my eye on the ball. I keep getting sidetracked, thinking I don’t want to lose friends, don’t want to make anybody miserable and don’t want anyone to make me miserable. Some people have been able to somehow find a home, a theatrical home. I did not. My last production was in Seattle.

JK: What was the play?

LR: It was a play about Catherine the Great. I wanted to write a reflective two-character play based on Catherine’s own writing about her life before she became an Empress. She was a teenager when she went to Russia to marry the heir to the throne, an alcoholic teenage boy from Sweden. Somehow it morphed into a much bigger deal, a costume extravaganza. I had a wonderful director, Elizabeth Huddle, who was Intiman’s Artistic Director. But, I had horrible reviews in the Seattle papers, and so that was when I gave up.

I’ve written three non-fiction books with my husband, who is a physician.

JK: What were they?

LR: The first one was for consumers about how to use healthcare, how to talk to doctors, what to do when a hospital admission was necessary. The second book was called The Too-Precious Child, and it was about parents who become so involved with their own wishes and fears about their child that they are unable to experience his or her needs. They might be very loving or not but they are unable to take the child’s actual self into account. The book was published in 1989, and the problem we discussed seems to have gotten massively worse.

We wrote the third book for Consumer Reports to help people understand the basic types of health insurance, how to choose the best plan for one’s circumstance, and how to get the most out of its coverage. My husband was CEO of a health plan and understood the issues, but I could identify with consumers who were trying to figure out how things worked. It took me two weeks and tears of frustration to understand how a family benefit works. Insurance terminology was painful, but I figured if I could be made to understand it, I could explain it to people. Maybe I could turn that into a movie {laughs}. I’ll go pitch that one.

by Jim Knipfel

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ultraclops · 5 years

Text

I Can't Think Of A Creative Title [Mao Mao Spoilers]

SUGAR BERRY FEVER

BULL MONSTER? YEEHAW GIDDY-UP

Oh the Hero's Code IS a real book! Made by Mao's family no less! Cool

I'm gonna say it now. The pirate aunt's kinda cute.

I don't know much about cobbler but I'm pretty sure you don't put it in a trough

*screaming interspaced by cobbler eating*

Why exactly is eating cobbler against the Hero's Code? Did the first person in the Mao clan really hate cobbler or something?

"If I could have that cobbler, I would do things to it that would make my ancestors cry in shame." JESUS CHRIST HOW'D THEY GET AWAY WITH THAT

"Buuut I can't!" Am I the only one who thinks he sounded like Thomas Sanders when he said that

"Has anyone told you that you have issues?"

(Mao ominously hovers into the kitchen with glowing eyes while creepy wails play in the background) Nothing to see here.

The thing Mao's eyes do when he goes 'Oooooo' like if you agree

Apparently Badgerclops' biggest fear is 'crushing self-doubt'. Oooooo.

Tbh I had the same reaction as Mao when the cobbler started talking

I don't like where this is going...

UNCLE JIM-JIM?!

OH NO IT'S THE SCRIBBLY EYES

Okay but if Mao passed out in the kitchen how'd he get in the living room? Badgerclops couldn't have moved him because then he would've known he ate the cobbler

And that's, what, the second table Badgerclops has destroyed?

Cool, HQ has security cam - oh nevermind.

If Badgerclops and Adorabat saw the cobbler on Mao's mouth why didn't they assume he ate it? It wouldn't be there otherwise

"Ah know ah wooould :)" Sassy Adora

"And you're going by yourself. That's okay, I'm emotional anyways."

NYAAAMN NYAAAMN NYAAAMN

So the Sugar Berry Fever is literal? Like, an actual condition caused by eating cobbler? Is that why it's against the Hero's Code? And why didn't Badgerclops and Adorabat get it?

DOUBLE JOINTED BABEY!!

BEARCLOPS HAS RETURNED for like 2 minutes.

I know we makes jokes about Mao going feral but he ABSOLUTELY went feral in this episode. CBS incarnate.

Ok that's really sad. Why would you make a child destroy the thing they love and force their siblings to watch?! At least one of the sisters looks a little hurt over it.

Aaand the Bull Monster's back of course. And it has the fever too? Suspicious.

I don't wanna say where my mind went here but you probably know what I mean

ADORABAT BARKING I'M

B!TCH WENT SUPER SAIYAN - I mean GOLDEN TRUTH

If only fighting your demons was as easy as shoving a cobbler down their throat.

Are we gonna see Golden Truth Mao in the future? I like the he

Mao probably crashed the moment they got home ngl

CAPTURED CLOPS

Those stealth boots look like weird cleats.

"Stealth boots aren't toys." "Then why are mine colored like toys?" "I found them at the toy store." Isn't that a contradiction-

He used to be a villain what did you expect

HE DIDN'T SAAAVE

If BC's chores are fixing the Aerocycle and grocery shopping, what do Mao and Adora do?

"I need to be away from you right now before I LOSE IT on you." Is that a callback to The Truth Stinks or Legend of Torbaclaun? Both?

Yay another BC song, with some casual boulder-chucking

Aww the Sky Pirates are swimming together. Fambly.

BADGERCLOPS GETTING ATTACKED BY A TITMOUSE IN THE BACKGROUND ASDFGHJK

Yes, follow the cute but suspicious puppet that totally isn't trying to murder you

What's with the glowy eyes and creepy autotune?

So running away and cry-singing into a lake is normal for Badgerclops? Damn why isn't HE in therapy

MOM-MOM

You heard it here folks, BC is canonically depressed

That was quick

HOUSE MUSIC ELECTRONICA! And can we get uhh Orangusnake in the 90s?

Dang they still don't have any food? What happened to Mama Ratarang's meatballs?

ORANGUSNAKE WHAT THE HECK

I know it's supposed to be kinda sad but the imaginary food is really shiny.

So he'll fix the Sky Pirate's ship but not the Aerocycle? Priorities, priorities...

Mao and Adora Have Become Ninjas

HOSS WATERBOARDING THE PUPPET I

*Jaws theme*

"I love house music!" Trust me, I know.

DON'T HURT YOUR CO-HERO AND KID BC LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS

They're gonna take the Pure Heart? Weren't they trying to destroy it a couple episodes ago? Oh god what if Badgerclops DID get the Ruby Pure Heart's powers... that'd be scary

I can see the Badgersnake fics now

Mao fixed the Aerocycle - oh nevermind.

VIVA LA REVOLUTION

"How'd you get over here so fast??" "Badgerclops, I walked over here. Casually." Reminds me of a girl I used to know.

Hmm. Should've known the Sky Pirates not eating anything would've had side-effects

So the Sky Pirates could've just. Bought groceries. But chose not to.

"Aren't you forgetting something BIG?!" "*sighs* Thank you for having me" I mean at least he's polite??

How'd he manage to plug the ship into Benny and Penny's house though? And how'd it WORK?!

"Those guys are a little too relaxed" -cuts to the Sky Pirates panicking-

FLYAWAY

Aww, family training exercises - OH NO ADORABAT

Nevermind she's okay she just chipped a tooth.

'Physics...recital?' Do 5-year-olds even study physics? Is Adorabat a child prodigy?

Adorabat can face giant monsters but can't stand the dentist? Is she secretly Goku?

Aww, Mao still has one of his old plushies and he kisses it

I like that book it looks like there's a gemstone on it

Meditating Melvin, because you can't have enough alliterative names.

STAHP IT >:(

(Insert ASCENDED meme here)

Adora: *masters a technique that should take years* ight i'mma head out

WHY WOULD YOU DROP HER FROM THAT HIGH? BAD PARENTING BC

OH GOD THEY'RE GONNA KILL HER. good thing her soul isn't in her body huh

Oh look it's the Meditating Melvin guy. And he gives me strong Wander over Yonder vibes.

Being in the Astral Plane causes you to lose your memories?? Dang Adora better get out fast

Time for a song that TOTALLY isn't a desperate cry for help!

Bugs, smoke bombs, and popping balloons with pikes. These are the things used to summon Adorabat.

Wait, how come Adorabat doesn't feel any of the pain she sustained when Mao and BC were trying to return her soul to her body?

Yaaay Adorabat got over her fear and is ready to go to the dentist - OH MY GOD THAT IS UNCALLED FOR

THAT ENDING I

Wait a minute. If Mao said the technique took years to master, but Adorabat and Badgerclops both achieved it in under a day...does that mean they're more spiritually inclined than him or there's something preventing him from ascending?

BAOST IN SHOW

If I'm honest, I misread the title as 'Boast in Show', which made more sense at the time.

Why is Snugglemagne playing discus by himself though? Where's Quinton?

OH $H!T IT'S BAO BAO

Snugglemagne: it's free dog (and royal pet show)

"You're my new best friend!" Ooh boy.

"If he leaves me a third time, who knows what could happen? I might explode, LITERALLY" Mood

Literally everyone in PHV knows Badgerclops, how does changing his ear shape and putting on a leash count as a disguise. The guards could tell who Penny and Benny were why not him

Adorabat has a pet fly asdgdgffkh

Hey Chet's back

I don't want to imagine all the weird fanart and fanfics that'll come from this scene. Actually from this episode in general.

Whoever wins keeps Bao AND BC?! WHAT THE F-

Aww bento - OH NO ADORA ATE THE FLY

THAT 'DON'T STOP ME NOW' PARODY

IT'S THE SUIT FROM THE CONCEPT ART!

"I'm not actually a pet." "I know." Then why didn't you say anything??

Yay, Mao and Bao are reunited - nevermind Bao just wanted BC's snacks.

HE ACTUALLY EXPLODED and took it shockingly well I'm surprised

Well Mao, you did it. You pissed off Snugglemagne again.

Those combo attacks are freaking GENIUS

I'm tempted to make a "Long live the king" joke when Bao Bao bites Snugglemagne's arm

"I TOLD YOU HE'S TRAITOROUS"

At last, Mao truly forgives Bao and is willing to let him go

"Until next time." Is Bao Bao gonna come back??

Snugglemagne tortures people by forcing them to listen to his harpsichord? Does that even count as torture? And is Mao gonna get them out?

#semi-live blogging #semi live blogging #sugar berry fever #CapturedClops #flyaway #baost in show

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smilingformoney · 5 years

Text

Platinum Diamond Scene: Act in a Sketch with Raleigh

Josh Morello: Awesome! Josh Morello: First off, we wrote two different versions of the script. Would you rather play a parody of yourself, or a parody of Jaylen Riaz? You: Jaylen? Fiona: Playing up your beef with Jaylen would amp your popularity up immediately. Avery: Then again, Cadence, it really just depends on whether or not you want to play up your rivalry with her. You: Hmm…

Who do you play on Last Call? -Jaylen

You: The people want what they want. Besides, I don’t owe her anything. Fiona: Good call. Josh Morello: Works for me!

-Yourself

You: I’d rather just make fun of myself. I barely know her, anyway. Josh Morello: Works for me!

Josh Morello: And don’t worry, this is last minute, so we’ll have teleprompters in case you forget your lines. Shane: Go forth and slay, you guys! Shane and Josh leave together. You: Guess we’re really doing this… Raleigh: I guess we are…

Soon, it’s almost your turn to go onstage with Raleigh for your skit. The curtains roll back. The lights blink on. The studio audience roars. You wait in the wings for your entrance. Host: Hello, hello! We’re back with Pop Star Jeopardy, your favourite place to feel validated when you know a piece of trivia a celeb doesn’t. Host: With us tonight, we have… your favourite rebel and heartbreaker, currently in the head and in trouble for crashing yet another yacht… Host: …Raleigh Carrera! Raleigh Carrera: Yo, what’s good. I didn’t think I’d be able to make it tonight… but turns out it’s pretty easy to blow off community service when you’re famous. The crowd boos loudly, but they’re loving it. Raleigh Carrera: What? What’d I say? Host: O… kay! Next up! Our other contestant decided it was better for their image to do charity work in Africa for the Pictagram posts… so we found a replacement! Host: Don’t ask which country in Africa… because they won’t remember! The audience boos again! Host: Bravely taking up the mantle, we have a surprise guest, your fave pop star killing it on Charttopper…

-If you’re playing yourself

Host: Cadence!

-If you’re playing Jaylen

Host: Jaylen Riaz!

You walk on stage, trying not to trip, and place yourself behind the podium. The crowd cheers loudly, stomping their feet, when they recognise that it’s you.

-If you’re playing yourself

You: Hi, New York! I was busy… -Writing Raleigh Carrera’s name with hearts in my diary, but…

You: …I’m here now! You: Have I told you how head over heels in love I am for my wonderful partner yet?! Have you seen the thing they do when they flip their hair? They’re amaz--

-Talking about how much I idolise Avery Wilshere, but…

You: …I’m here now! You: Have I told you how big an inspiration they were and is to me, my life, and all of my music?

Host: Yes… many times! Let’s move on!

-If you’re playing Jaylen

Jaylen Riaz: Helloooo, New York! I was busy… -Adopting all the sick kittens in a shelter, but I’m here now! +2000

Jaylen Riaz: I was, like, definitely not gonna tell you guys I did this awesome, angelic thing because I hate humble bragging… Jaylen Riaz: But honest is just like, the most important thing to me, you know?

-Having ghostwriters write all my music, but I’m here now! +2000

You: Which is to say, I wasn’t busy at all!

The audience laughs appreciatively, which encourages you. +5000 Audience Member: Cadence acting onstage? What a twist! She’s so multitalented! Host: In Pop Star Jeopardy, all of the winnings go toward our celebs’ charity of choice… Host: …which typically means their next booze cruise in Ibiza! But we deal with it because of the ratings! Isn’t that right? Raleigh looks up from texting. Raleigh Carrera: Oh, sorry, you were saying? Something came up with my private island off the coast of Bora Bora. Host: …I think that means it’s time to start the actual game! Host: Today, our categories are… ‘Living Frugally,’ ‘Methods Of Public Transportation,’ and ‘How To Be Relatable.’ Host: Raleigh Carrera… You’re up. Raleigh Carrera: Thanks, Josh, you’re the man. I got this on lock. I’ll do ‘Living Frugally’ for 400. Host: Alright! You’re on a first date, but you only have $20 on you. How do you make that money go far… and win your date’s heart? Raleigh Carrera: Easy. What is… ‘Take them back to my penthouse for a topshelf nightcap…’ Raleigh Carrera: ‘…and spend the $20 on a Ride XL Lux Black so send them home and make sure they don’t spend the night?’ The crowd erupts into more jeers, but they’re all grinning. Raleigh Carrera: What, come on? It’s cost effective! Raleigh Carrera: I’m just saying what I know y’all are thinking.

-If you’re playing yourself

Host: That is… an incorrect answer! Cadence, take us home.

You: Well, Josh, what is… ‘Skip the date and donate $20 to…’ -‘Singer-Songwriter Broken Hearts Foundation?’

You: It’s for a good cause. We pour everything into our music. We have a lot of feelings. You: We also say ‘heart on our sleeve’ a lot.

-‘Escaped My Hometown And Never Shut Up About It Club?’

You: No one even knows where my hometown is, but I feel like it’s important to remind people of this a lot. And I support other people who do the same.

-If you’re playing Jaylen

Host: That is… an incorrect answer! Jaylen Riaz, take us home.

Jaylen Riaz: Well, Josh, what is… ‘Skip the date and donate $20 to…’ -‘Yachts for Tots?’ +1000

Jaylen Riaz: Because no one should have to grow up and not have a Tubular Two birthday bash along the lush, golden sands of Turks and Caicos.

-‘Screens for Teens?’ +1000

Jaylen Riaz: This foundation puts 4K TVs with 3D options into every classroom. Jaylen Riaz: Because no student should have to suffer through low-res movies.

-‘Equestrian for Pedestrians?’ +1000

Jaylen Riaz: Because no one should have to get to their destination in anything less than a gold-plated saddle.

The name of the organisation gets a big laugh, and you see Josh smile at Shane backstage in the wings. That must have been one of Shane’s lines! Shane: … Host: And that response is… also incorrect! In order to win, you have to actually go on the date! Host: Who hurt both of you? Host: Let’s just skip forward to our final round!

-If you’re playing yourself

Raleigh Carrera: Alright, let’s go, Cadence. It’s getting real now.

-If you’re playing Jaylen

Raleigh Carrera: Alright, let’s go, Jaylen. It’s getting real now.

Host: The category is… ‘What do you do for fun?’ As long as you write or draw your answer, you will win! Host: So please… be sure to follow directions! Host: And don’t forget to select a wager!

-If you’re playing yourself

You glance behind the podium to see two notebook props.

Pick a notebook! -Diary with hearts -Journal titled ‘Poetry’

Host: And now… It’s time to reveal the answers of our celebrity contestants! Cadence, you go first. You lift the notebook up so the crowd can see.

DEFINITELY YOUR OWN, ORIGINAL WORK! -Show the hearts diary/poetry journal

You: In my spare time, I love to write beautiful songs… And let people know that I wrote my own songs! You: Like, I really, really write my own songs. Did you know how much I hate using ghostwriters? Host: Oh, yes, actually! This is a well-publicised fact! Host: You know, you only had to write a sentence or draw a picture on the lectern, not author a whole book… You: In my pursuit of authenticity and art, I cannot be silenced. Host: Marvellous, I suppose! And what did you select as your wager? You: I went all in.

-If you’re playing Jaylen

You glance behind the podium to see two painting props.

Pick a painting! -Rembrandt Self-Portrait prop +1000 -Mona Lisa prop +1000

Host: And now… It’s time to reveal the answers of our celebrity contestants! Jaylen Riaz, you go first. You lift the painting up so the crowd can see.

DEFINITELY YOUR OWN, ORIGINAL WORK! -Show the Rembrandt/Leonardo da Vinci painting

Jaylen Riaz: In my spare time, I love to create beautiful art… Especially those already created by other people! Host: Beautiful, Jaylen! Most people just, uh… Use the pen we offer on the podium. Not create a whole painting. Jaylen Riaz: In my pursuit of truth, my art cannot be restricted by any medium. Host: Marvelous! And what did you select as your wager? Jaylen Riaz: I went all in, so to speak, just like my ailing grandmother raised me to do. Host: How moving! You mention your ailing grandmother so often, I feel like I already know her!

Host: And Raleigh, what do you have to share with us today? Raleigh lifts up something from behind the podium. Raleigh Carrera: This is what I like to do for fun, no doubt.

BOTTLE OF ABSINTHE -Watch Raleigh take a swig!

Raleigh hiccups. Raleigh Carrera: Is this show over yet? I have places to be. Host: Uh, Raleigh… That definitely does not qualify as a written entry or a drawing! Host: In that case… given that she wagered all of her earnings thus far and won this round, I’m pleased to announce that the winner is…

-If you’re playing yourself

Host: …Cadence! You: Ohmygod, thank you so much! You: I’d like to thank my family and my best friend Shane, who I talk about repeatedly even though none of you know who he is…

-If you’re playing Jaylen +2000

Host: …Jaylen Riaz! Jaylen Riaz: Ohmygod! Ohmygod! I’m so moved! I’m speechless! Jaylen Riaz: I’d like to thank my family, my life coach, puppies, marshmallows, rainbows, the cat I definitely didn’t kick on the way here…

The audience oohs, ahhs, and explodes into laughter as confetti bursts from the ceiling and begins to rain down above you. +45,000 Host: Congratulations! Raleigh: And now, live from New York… +50,000 You: …IT’S LAST CALL! Josh Morello: We got a great show for you tonight! Cadence is here! Stick around!

You run backstage together with Raleigh, giddy from the rush of performing. Soon, you can hear Josh beginning his opening monologue… Josh: Now, I don’t know about you, but I have been keeping up-to-date on the newest season of The Debutante… You: (That monologue must be what Shane helped write! I’m so proud of him!) You head back to wardrobe and change…

Raleigh: That was pretty wild, huh? You: That was… thrilling! My heart’s still pounding in my chest. Raleigh: Well, congrats, superstar. Looks like you’ve got a back-up career in comedy if this whole singing thing doesn’t work out. You: Oh, hardly. I had to keep biting my lip to not break into laughter because of you and Josh. Raleigh: Happens to the best of us. You: You know, it’s cool that you didn’t mind making a bit of fun of yourself. Raleigh shrugs. Raleigh: Yeah, it’s good to not take that stuff too seriously. I had a blast up there. Raleigh: Besides, it’s like my image has a life of its own, one that’ll carry on even without me. It’s not fully mine anymore. You: You think so? That must be unnerving. Raleigh: We have images of ourselves, whether we want them or not. I’d rather have this one. You: Rather than…? Raleigh just grins, not answering your question. You: Okay, have it your way. You: So… I guess I’ll see you later after my performance? Raleigh: Sure. Unless… Raleigh’s eyes gleam mischievously.

You: (I should…) -Make out with Raleigh.

You lean in close, and cup Raleigh’s chin in your hands, placing one soft kiss on their lips. Raleigh: Oh, I see. Trying to wind up in the headlines with your fake partner, huh? Raleigh: Starring in a Last Call sketch together, making out backstage… You: I’ve got a taste for the headlines now… Although I doubt anyone will find us back here. Your lips meet again, and Raleigh’s arms enfold around you. They draw one of your knees up, pulling you closer. Raleigh: Cadence… You jump and they catch you, holding you at the thighs as you wrap your legs around her. Raleigh walks backward until they reach the couch, and you fall down upon it together, hopping on their lap and kissing them more. You: Mmm… You intertwine your hands together, until they gently push you back so you lie against the cushions. On top of you, they trail kisses down your neck. You reach a hand back behind you to brace against the couch. Raleigh: Shouldn’t you be getting ready soon? You: Shhhhh… You groan as they press against you, your fists clenching, bunching up cloth on her shirt. They slip a hand under your top… You: I… The door opens. Zadie: Ugh, I’m so glad I moved my silk swatches away from that couch before you all got to it. You break apart from Raleigh, blushing furiously. Zadie’s standing behind a rack of costumes, blinking rapidly. Zadie: Not to bust this up, but Cadence needs to get dressed. Not un-dressed. You: I should, uh, go do my fitting… Raleigh: No problem. Gotta give the people what they want right? You: See you later? Raleigh gives you one last kiss on the lips. Raleigh: Maybe. Raleigh squeezes your hand as they slip away.

-Give Raleigh a hug.

You lean in close, and wrap your arms around Raleigh. You: See you later, partner. Raleigh: Yeah, we did great up there. Good luck during your show. You give Raleigh one last squeeze, and then you let them go.

#playchoices #choices stories you play #choices platinum #platinum

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fereality-indy · 6 years

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The Night Is Young

This is the sequel to The Geeks Get The Girls. Dipper and Wendy Have been dating for a month when she tells him that her roommate is co-hosting a Halloween party. Dipper uses this info to plan a surprise for Wendy.

Wednesday October 14th, 2020

Tanoak Terrace Apartments

Apartment 42

Beaverton, OR

“Dude, don’t go through that door!” Wendy called out at the television screen. She then stuffed a handful of popcorn into her mouth.

“Come on, it’s b-movie horror 101. When your friends start dying you don’t separate and you definitely don’t go through doors with blood on them.”, Dipper said as he walked back into the living room with a couple cans of Pitt Cola.

He sat down beside her on the sofa and placed and arm around her. As he did she snuggled into the embrace.

“So Halloween’s coming up,” Wendy started as she opened her can of Pitt and took a drink.

“Yeah?” Dipper prompted her to continue, the movie half forgotten with her in his arms.

“And I remember that it used to be you and your sister’s favorite holiday,” She continued.

“Uh-huh,” He murmured as he took a sip of his cola.

“Well Lacey, my roommate, is co-hosting a Halloween party and she invited us. She wants to meet the guy who broke the ‘Corduroy Curse’ as she called it.” she said with a smirk.

“Corduroy Curse?” Dipper asked confused.

“Yeah, she kept setting me up with guys during our freshman year and none of them lasted more than the first date. Guess I just kept looking till I found what I wanted.” Wendy replied as she leaned her head back and kissed Dipper on his chin.

“Well I’m glad you found me when you did,” Dipper said as he leaned over and kissed her nose.

“Well actually, I have her to thank for that even.” Wendy said as she settled back into her snuggled position.

“Oh?”

“Yeah, she had been at a conference for her sorority and ran into Pacifica. When Paz mentioned that she was originally from Gravity Falls, Lacey remembered me mentioning it before. Lacey said she thought that her roommate was from there and told Paz my name. Paz asked her to call me so we could talk. And the rest is history.” she said before she grabbed some more popcorn and popped it into her mouth.

“That explains it, that has been bugging me a lil bit. But I definitely didn’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth.” Dipper replied as he prepared to take a drink.

“So?” she queried.

“So what?’ he asked back.

She looked up at him and asked, “Do you want to go?”

With a smile and a twinkle in his eye he said, “If you do, then of course.”

“Are you sure? It’s a costume event.” Wendy said, remembering his reluctance at dressing up back when they were younger.

He perked up a bit at this, “Even better, if you’ll let me I’m sure I can come up with a great couple’s costumes set if you want.”

“You mean Mabel will come up with a great couple’s set of costumes.” Wendy said as she jokingly elbowed him in the ribs.

“Hey now, I’ll have you know I came up with at least half of our costume ideas in Mabel’s scrapbook.” Dipper said defensively as he jokingly rubbed where she had elbowed. He then added, “Of course she would always make them.”

“Well we could just get something from a store.” she teased.

He physically flinched at the suggestion, “No thank you. Have you seen those outfits. Lord, no. Ninety percent of those ‘costumes’ are nothing more than an excuse to show off skin.”

“I get you. Not that I wouldn’t mind seeing you in one of those thong outfits.” he started sputtering as she finished and she burst out laughing.

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.” he managed to get out despite his flustered sputtering.

“Yep, deep down you’re still the same sweet, shy, dork I fell for all those years ago.” and with that she pulled him into a kiss.

Thursday October 15th, 2020

The Spiced Panda Buffet

Beaverton, OR

“And so that’s the situation sis,” Dipper said before he took a bite of his sweet n sour drenched rice.

“So you asked me to make the hour drive, to leave Pacifica in the dark, and make it sound like an end of the world type crisis all because your girlfriend wants to go to a halloween party as a couple.” Mabel said after she had finished her third crab rangoon since he had begun. “Ok, sounds like fun. Any ideas?”

“Well I want it to be a romantic costume set. Possibly Romeo and Juliet.” Dipper said as he gathered up another spoon full of sweet n sour rice, ignoring his chicken. His chopsticks lain to the side of his plate as he ate the soupy concoction.

“Too cliche, how about Bonnie and Clyde. Talk about a ride or die couple.” Mabel tried. She was looking at her plate and trying to decide if she wanted to eat her schezwan barbecue or orange chicken first.

“Uhm, I dunno. I’m not sure how I’d feel with us carrying around guns, especially on a campus. How about Arthur and Guinevere?” He said before finally eating a piece of the chicken from his sweet n sour plate.

“Well, wait a minute. You said it was her roommate that’s throwing the party right?” She asked. Once he nodded in affirmation she continued, “Then nope. No can do, broseph. Paz and I are going to that party as Lancelot and Guinevere. We got invited by Lacey after Paz helped her get seats to a Seattle playoff game for her dad’s birthday. I can’t risk Wendy’s Guinevere out shining Paz’s. Also the party is supposed to be a big bonfire get together, no wait a minute that’s not right. Think, think. Ok. I got it. it’s gonna be at the other co-host’s family farm and they were going to have a bonfire with it so you wouldn’t have to worry about the gun issue, but I totally understand. Maybe you could do one of the Mizmey Princesses couples, like Echo & Narcissus or Othello & Desdemona.”

“Nah, she’s still too much of a tomboy for that. Mizmey always makes their princesses be way too girly. I almost think it needs to be something where she can be seen as my equal or even superior.” he pauses there and absentmindedly shuffled the chicken and rice on his plate. After a moment he he saw that somehow he had separated the dishes so they had some familiar paths in between them. Routes he hadn’t traveled in years, the paths in the woods of Gravity Falls. Including the one to Wendy’s house. The woods where they sure used to have fun. “Wait a minute, I got it. Robin Hood and Marian.”

“But isn’t Marian a Mizney Princess?” Mabel said around a mouth full of orange chicken.

“Well yes, but not the one I was thinking about. I’m talking about the one from the Sherwood television series. Marian was just as much part of Robin’s band as Little John. And she dresses similar to the rest also, so breeches and such. See.” He pulled out his phone and looked up pictures from the series to show her what he meant.

“Ok, I think I can pull this off fairly easily. I’ll need to meet with Wendy to get her measurements of course.” Mabel said as she pulled a notepad out from her purse. As she wrote she continued, “And I have a friend in the costuming department that should be able to help get the two of you jerkins that fit properly.”

“Can’t you just make them?” He asked as he looked over the table at what she was writing. Once he got a better look he realized that she had not only written down the show name and the website he had just showed her, she had already started sketching out the pieces needed for the costume.

“Not all of them bro-bro, I may be a mistress of fabric but leather is out of my wheelhouse.” she explained as she continued sketching. Pausing she took a bite of her barbeque before she asked. "Do you want to keep the traditional Errol Flynn hat?”

“Yeah, it’s iconic.”

“Hmm, how about I use the idea from the show as a basis but blend in stuff from other versions of the characters. I mean there’s the old black and white serials, the Flynn movies, the one with Azeem, the parody one, etc.” Mabel rambled on as she kept making notes.

“Oh, the parody movie. I loved that one.” Dipper replied with a smile, “The opening rap, the one guy stopping to pump up his shoes, the panty hose gags, the songs…”

After hearing her brother stop rambling caused Mabel to look up from her work. “What’s up Dip-Dop?”

“Well there is something else that I’ve been thinking about,” Dipper said looking down at his plate, somewhat avoiding his sisters eyes.

“Ok, what?” Mabel said putting down her pen and studied his face intently. She knew it must be something good as he was starting to blush and he hadn’t even said anything yet.

“Uhmm, as you know Wendy and I have been together for almost a month now. And you also know we haven’t exactly been chaste in that time.” Dipper went even redder as he said that.

Mabel smiled as she remembered the morning after her brother and his other first got back together. “Oh yeah, I remember seeing her in flagrante delicto half buried in your covers that that first morning. You certainly got lucky there broseph!”

“Yeah, well. Like I was saying, we’ve been together for over a month and,” he turned his head at this point blushing even more, “neither of us have said the L-word yet.”

“Don’t be a fool Dip, you told her that years ago.” Mabel said with a serious look on her face.

“That doesn’t really count sis,” Dipper said as he turned back towards Mabel, still red in the face. “I was still just a kid. Look let’s not get off track. I’ve been wanting to tell her but I don’t want to do it during a make out session or something heavier. So this party will be the perfect chance and I think I have a plan.”

“Uhmm, Dipingham.” She said with a wane smile, “You don’t usually have a good track record when it comes to plans and Wendy.”

“Well this party is where it’s gonna change.” he had a gleam in his eye that he hadn’t had for awhile (since around the time he had given up on his dream of filmwork) and Mabel had missed it “Cause really there’s only a couple items needed for this plan; an instrumental recording of the song, speakers, and a couple of back up singers.”

“Now where could we find you back up singers,” Mabel started till she saw Dipper give her a ‘You’re not fooling anyone’ look, “Oh you know I’m just kidding you, of course I’ll talk Paz into it.”

“Great, now here’s the plan.” Dipper said as he leaned in closer.

Saturday October 31st, 2020

Gladden Farms

Beaverton, OR

Our young couple have just arrived at the party after parking his truck. They had noticed that there were only about a dozen or so cars parked in the drive. Wendy had said that Lacey told her they weren’t inviting that many people.

He was dressed in a pair of cedar colored breeches, a dark hunter green leather jerkin worn over a dusty tan tunic, and the Robin Hood hat in the same hunter green. On his back were a quiver and real wooden longbow that Wendy had insisted on getting from her dad once her told her of the costume idea. And finally he had a stage scabbard on his hip. Wendy was in a pair of forest green breeches, a ladies cut version of the jerkin Dipper was wearing, and a white tunic. Like dipper she sported a quiver, longbow, and scabbard. Her hair was pulled back in a gentle braid.

The door to the farmhouse was opened by a by a somewhat mousy looking brunette, dressed as a stereotypical nerd. “Wendy, glad you came.”

The brunette pulled Wendy into a hug. As she was released, Wendy said “Hey Clarissa, thanks for inviting us.”

“No problem, so is this the curse breaker?” Clarissa asked as she eyed Dipper up and down.

“Yeah. This is my boyfriend Dipper.” Wendy said as she went about introducing the two, “Dipper this is Clarissa. She’s one of our hosts this evening and one of Lacey’s Theta Sigma sisters.”

“Good to meet you,” Dipper said as he shook Clarissa’s hand, “I like your Tri-Lamb outfit.”

“Finally, someone who gets it. So far most of the guests have called me Leonard, Sheldon, or Leslie.” Clarissa said shaking her head.

“Well I guess it takes a nerd to know a nerd.” Dipper said with a smile.

“Ok, I like this guy.” Clarissa said to Wendy, “Lacey was in by the refreshment table the last I saw her.”

“Thanks.” Wendy said as she and Dipper headed into the party

As they walked through the farmhouse Dipper took stock in their fellow party goers. There really were only about a two dozen people at the party with a sixty/forty slant in the female to male ratio. Surprisingly there were really only two ‘sexy’ costumes and the Gladiator and the Cowboy seemed to be together. At least he doesn’t have to worry about Pacifica and his sister being out of place here.

Truth be told he never was a party type but he planned having as much fun as possible with Wendy. The plan was to start the song sometime after the party moves outside for the bonfire.

As they walk up to the snack table a pair of mocha colored hands cover Wendy’s eyes. “Guess who?”

“Well considering only three people are foolish enough to do this and I’m holding one of their hands and another is gonna be in armor, I’m gonna say Lacey.” Wendy said before the hands dropped.

When they turned Dipper saw a mocha skinned beauty dressed as a calico cat. She gave him a once over (including an appraising walk around) before she turned to Wendy and remarked, “So this is him? Sheesh girl, if you had told me you into the bookish type I’d’ve had you hooked up ages ago.”

“Nah, this one is special. Ain’t another like him in the world.” Wendy said before she kissed Dipper on the cheek.

Lacey chuckled at his blush, “Man, this is too adorable. So what’s your name Loxley?”

Still blushing Dipper said “Everybody calls me Dipper.”

“Oh, I’m sure you do.” Lacey joked as she shot Dipper a wink.

“Lacey!” Wendy exclaimed as she chucked her roommates shoulder.

“Well, she hasn’t complained yet.” Dipper said with a little smirk as Wendy went as red as he had been and Lacey snickered at her reaction.

“Dipper!” Wendy marveled at what she just heard her normally quiet boyfriend say. He just leaned over and gave her a quick kiss.

“Ok. I like this guy,” Lacey said around her laughs, “Girl he’s a keeper.”

“Oy, I see you found my brother.” Mabel called out from behind them.

As they turned around they saw Mabel standing there in full chainmail armor, with her hair done up in a crown braid that led to braided tail, a blue tabard with a gold fleur de lis in the center, and a glorious blonde van dyke. Pacifica was beside her in a flowing regal purple gown with gold and silver inlay, her hair was plated and topped with a silver tiara. and a golden scepter.

“Mabel,” Dipper said as he walked over and gave her a hug. As he leaned near her ear he whispered, “Is it ready?”

“Yep, take the path to the left of the bonfire as you leave the farmhouse.” She whispered back before she released the hug.

“You guys look great,” Wendy commented, “Beautiful dress Pacifica, and Mabel I love the armor.”

“This old thing,” Mabel said as she attempted to twirl around as if she were showing off a dress. “It was just something I had laying around in my closet.”

“And she means that, it’s been on the floor of her closet since she helped the design costumes for the theater department’s production of MacBeth last year.” Pacifica remarked with a smirk.

“Well it was too great to be thrown away at the end of the production’s run.” Mabel smiled as she patted down her tabard.

Later That Night

Dipper and Wendy walked around the bonfire while the party went on around them. Dipper led them down the path Mabel described. When he got to the small clearing that was partially hidden he said, “You know Wendy, we’ve been together for almost two months now and I have something to tell you.”

Dipper called out to apparently no one, “The Night Is Young, B-flat.”

“Dip, what’s going on?” Wendy asked as suddenly music began to play.

“The night is young and you're so beautiful,” Dipper sung out as he looked into Wendy’s eyes.

Pacifica and Mabel walked into a nearby clearing and began to harmonize to the music.

“Here among the shadows, beautiful lady, open your heart.” Dipper swept his arm out to show they were currently in a shadowy part of the farmland.

“Oooooo” Mabel and Pacifica sung along to the harmony

“The scene is set, the breezes sing of it,” Dipper sang as he pulled Wendy into a hug.

“Oooooo”

“Can't you get into the swing of it, lady, when do we start?” the two of them spun around in a slow waltz like dance.

“Oooooo”

“When the lady is kissable,” he bent down and kissed the back of her hand, “and the evening is cool.”

“Oooooo”

“Any dream is permissible,” he place their hands over his heart, “in the heart of a fool.”

“Oooooo”

“The moon is high” he sung looking up to the sky before coming back down to her. He took his right hand and traced her jawline as he continued, “and you're so glamorous,”

“Oooooo”

“And if I seem over amorous, lady,” he leaned over and placed a kiss on her lips, “what can I do?”

“Oooooo”

“The night is young” Dipper paused here before he quietly said, “and I mean this from the bottom of my heart”

“I'm in love with you.” Dip finished up the song looking directly into her eyes.

“Dip,” Wendy said with her eyes beginning to mist up, “You didn’t have to go through such a production just to tell me that.”

“Oh I know, I just wanted the first time I told you that to be memorable.” Dipper said a little more shyly than he wanted.

“And it was, but this isn’t the first time you told me. Remember.” She said with a smile on her lips.

“Yeah but…” was all he got out before her lips met his. And while the party, the bonfire, heck even the world seemed to disappear he did hear ‘I Told You!’ from somewhere in the distance.

Sometime later when they finally came up for air Wendy whispered to him, “I love you too, dork.”

#gravity falls #dipper pines #wendy corduroy #wendip #mabel pines #pacifica northwest #mabcifica #songfic #Robin Hood Men In Tights

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courage-a-word-of-justice · 4 years

Text

Deca-Dence 5

“…cannon won’t ignite in time!” The subbers spell cannon as “canon” later as well.

Off to the cliffside, where Kaburagi goes to die…

Deca-Dence 6

“Maybe someone intervened.” – I think Minato did, somehow.

This Death Dive reminds me of Wipeout.

Moriarty 3

I once made up a quote that goes, “When life detests you, fight back.” I think it’s also roughly along the lines of advice Albert needs.

I remembered an odd line from Macbeth: “Brother, he has killed me!” Seriously, Moriarty is scarier than some actual horror anime, I swear…Update: It’s actually “he has killed me, Mother!”, but same impact.

I had my hands over my mouth from the moment the fire began. That’s how intense this is.

This ED…doesn’t sound like an ED. It sounds like the OP for a different anime, like Joker Game or something. Also, having Saito Soma as Gentaro and Moriarty…is a bit unsettling because they have a lot of overlap but one’s basically the evil twin of the other.

Yashahime 4

“…was raised here…”

“…we can…”

I felt a heart twinge when I saw Towa tear up…man, it’s been years since I last dealt with Inuyasha properly.

“…nights where I can’t fall asleep.” – So…you’ll play it a lot then, Setsuna.

Oh, so Kirara is a nekomata? I never knew until now.

Kikyo!

According to the mythology, the kirin rules over the middle…so why is Kirinmaru the monster in the east?

Is “s***” unwarranted here? I didn’t have the volume on, so I don’t know…Going back, I think Moroha said “kuso”, but it’s still kinda weird to have a swear word in a mostly family-friendly series in a slot near Detective Conan. (Then again, Detective Conan is where I learnt “kuso” from…so my standards are probably not as up-to-scratch as they should be.)

Rin! People keep saying Rin is the mother of the girls and it’s basically the only conclusion that could be done, considering the relationship the two had…but it’s still kind of squick…(Says a person who has no problem with SGRS s2’s ending.)

Update: Someone on ANN said the teacher’s name (Osamu Kirin) being similar to Kirinmaru is sketchy and I agree.

Maou-jou 4

There’s no pun for Rocket Turtle…that’s kinda startling, actually.

I’m not going to translate the eyecatches anymore. Seems they were actually translated in the manga and someone just copies them over or something.

I’ve seen some characters use wa when they really aren’t that feminine. However, the voice Suwabe uses for the Sorceror leads me to believe this guy really is trying to be feminine, even if in just a vocal capacity.

…aw, no puns here too.

Oh no, the seal…!

…hmm? The Scissors Sorceror’s info is…we’re not allowed to look at it. That’s what the red text says.

…my brain exploded for a second when I suddenly heard jazz music. It’s a Detective Conan parody! *screams*

Iina! doesn’t really mean “Lucky!” It means more like “cool!” or “It’s good, isn’t it?”

I7 s2 5

I missed these boys!

I like the Kinako transition. It’s cute.

I don’t really like it when Tenn looks at the screen…it gives me 1st person cam vibes.

Why is Tsunashi being called “this”, anyway?

Oh yeah…mensore = youkoso = welcome.

Uh oh…is Yuki actually evil???

Riku (earth) vs. Tenn (heaven). Hmm.

I still can’t believe they don’t believe Gaku is the soba guy. It’s so obvious!

Chikuzen-ni.

Someone on staff ships Gaku and Tsumugi together…hmm…

Oh! So this is DESTINY, huh? I’ve probably heard it on Spotify before, but I don’t recognise it by sheer sound like I do HypMic. (Then again, the half-year off the airwaves probably really hurt I7, man…)

Akudama 4

Say what you will about how bad Funi translations can get…they’re definitely entertaining!

Geesh, Doctor gets all the sexy shots, but Brawler gets all the ab shots. Can I get a sexy Courier shot…?

“…she’s right.” – There’s a lot of dialogue here, so…uh, who’s “she” in this case?

What’s a “bro fro”?

Wow, Brawler, talk about being punched into next Tuesday…(partially joking)

Swindler’s face, LOL. (I know she’s an ordinary gal, but calling her “Swindler” is shorter to type.)

I remember reading around and people agree Swindler works at the Seal Centre.

The shark and bunny’s shirts say things like “Kanto/Kansai”, “earth, air/water” and “pollution/clean” during their montage.

“feminist” – Uh, ex-squeeze me?! Feminism does not equal “ladies first” or “going easy on ladies”. Update: I went and listenend to it and although one of my ears is mysteriously almost constantly plugged these days, I’m fairly sure Doctor did not say “feminist” (in katakana). Update 2: Then I listened to it again and…I’m not sure anymore.

LOL, Hoodlum hit the in-series camera. With his face.

Oh, vault = garage or storage. Right, how did I not know that?

Cat, nooooooooooooooooo! Don’t die!

HypMic 5

After the two “darker” divisions, it seems almost strange to not have a “dark” introduction about the seedy underbelly of alt. future Japan…

Oh, my gosh. That’s Ichijiku on the phone.

The studio has the word “drops” on it.

Lemme guess: Neither hand!...Yup.

The only spoiler I know for this ep. is it’s a Halloween episode, and “Ramuda ruins Halloween”. That quote is way too subjective to mean anything, though…

…hmm, Gentaro doesn’t say “shousei” in that sentence involving “this humble bard” (not that I heard, but one of my ears is mysteriously plugged after I stayed up late browsing Twitter on my phone – don’t tell anyone that, though! They’re not meant to know!). Gentaro is not a humble bard (although that would translate “shousei” quite correctly in the Shakespearean), he’s an author.

LOL, that “ding!”

Gentaro actually says “ghostbusters” in katakana, LOL.

I almost thought this Shinjuku man was Doppo…but no, this Aoyama Cemetery exists. It has nice cherry blossoms.

The “dun dun dun” soundtrack is great. It really sets the atmosphere.

Gentaro really is an idiots’ minder, just as I used to characterise him. (Then the FP and M manga and developments regarding Ramuda being evil changed my mind.)

I-Is this just gonna be an episode of FP being scared and Ramuda yelling? It’s fun for a bit, but when you’re stopping to analyse every few seconds, Ramuda’s voice is gonna get annoying eventually…

Kurosu seems to be a cross between Jyushi and Doppo.

This ep…makes FP look money-crazy. Dice is only money-crazy when he’s broke…because of course you would be…but the others aren’t.

That rock track that plays when FP hand out flyers is cool!

Are they…eating squid?...Welp, squid jerky. I’d say I’m correct.

Oh, so they’re all street photographers? Not just Tom?

I was wondering…how would the “tie to a different division” occur in episode 5, considering episode 6 is where the plot really kicks in? Turns out…they tie back to BB, which is not a thing I was expecting at all.

BB have a BB tablet…makes sense, because I think Hypster have iPhone cases for each division.

Oh, they’re planting the seeds of Ramuda’s ability here, so to speak. By knowing what Hypnosis Mics are capable of doing, you can see the building blocks of Rap Abilities as well.

Okonbanwa! The extra O is meant to make things formal, but only in front of nouns (sometimes it’s “go”, e.g. goshujin), so it’s Ramuda being overly formal to be cutesy and unconventional.

*lightbulb goes off in head* It makes sense that the group affiliated with illusions and randomness does the Halloween episode, actually.

…Yargh! Of course all these onee-sans are FP stans!...*lightly touches temple, as if to get rid of a headache* I should’ve known.

The new song is “Shibuya Ghost Night” by Tokyo Health Club, Yuki “T-Groove” Takahashi and Yuma Hara.

*stops video before the darn airhorn sounds* Thank goodness…hey, isn’t this quote from Magical Girl Spec-Ops Asuka…?

This episode is very seasonal, but doesn’t really make sense outside of airing on Halloween. C’mon, couldn’t you have given us a Sasara appearance instead of having Ramuda yell down the house…? I knew the FP episode was going to be either lighthearted with a dark undercurrent, like the BB ep (considering we haven’t gotten to Ramuda dying yet), or full-on lighthearted, but…I somehow wonder if the staff had an empty spot labelled “Fling Posse episode” due to COVID and went, “Okay, it airs on Halloween this year, let’s make it Halloween-inspired”…or something. Also, I feel Gentaro got the short end of the stick here.

Update: As for yakuwarigo, Ramuda trends towards the feminine side, which is not something I noticed until my groupwork partner pointed it out to me. The message in this episode has a “yone”, which proves that point even further. “Dayo~n” is a variant of the gender-neutral “yo” ending. Meanwhile, I have game samples that prove Dice uses “ze” like BB/MTC, while Gentaro uses “yo” and desu/masu like Jakurai, so it was really Ramuda anyone wanted to pay attention to since his speech patterns are the most feminine-leaning, possibly due to his extensive hanging out with ladies. (I once read a Tofugu post on how non-binary people deal with language that said if you hang out with ladies a lot, you take on feminine yakuwarigo and if you hang out with guys a lot, you do the same in that direction, but I clearly remember Ramuda using “sa”, which is a slightly male-leaning ending.)

Taiso Samurai 4

There’s something in the background which stops me from listening to it and one of my ears is blocked, but I gotta find out what Tackey was saying about the NHK Cup (the joke, I mean). Update: So I think it’s ninja/nukihara/kekkou, but I may have heard that wrong due to my blocked ear…I should get someone to clean it out properly.

Here’s the YoI monologue about competitions again. <- (neutral on it) Also, NHK is in English letters/romaji in the term “NHK Cup”, but the “Cup” isn’t (it’s in kanji).

Sekigahara had a huge historical battle.

Huh? This episode’s called “Samurai Musume (daughter)”, so…where did “Battling Samurai” come from? That’s one of the previous episodes, right?

Selfies, before they were cool.

I was wondering if Leo actually calls Rei “Rachel” like he calls Jotaro “Joe”…and he does. I just haven’t paid much attention to the audio, that’s all.

The Battle of Chibi? Never heard of it until now, but the Battle of Red Cliffs is the same thing.

Leo Naruto runs…LOL.

If Rei was in 4th grade in 2002…are we going to see the characters in the present in the end? She would be 28 in 2020.

I guess I should’ve guessed from “hat trick”, but a Bergkamp trap is related to soccer.

There’s a random Japanese-sounding track in the background…didn’t expect that.

A cemetery…on the day after Halloween.

“Grandma’s place” = the bar…Ohhhhhhhhhh. I was wondering, didn’t the grandma and Rei live together? Then it all came together.

Jim Beeam (sic), LOL.

I wonder, are Tackey and Ayu dating like he asks?

Gotta love a man in a suit! *chef’s kiss*

Yashahime 5

Who’s this Tokotsu guy again…? Also, the “ja” in Jakotsumaru means “young”.

Oh, Myoga. It’s been a while.

Can there be 4 Perils when there’s only 3 of them…?

Well, it makes sense that a dog demon would have demon fleas…in a sense.

Why is “trying to swallow up this world and turn it into a degenerate age” (or whatever Kirinmaru’s aim is) so vague? You could say the present is already an age of mass degeneracy…

Maybe the Dream Butterfly took Moroha’s memories…?

Wait, why is Myoga only allowed to drink Moroha’s blood when she puts on the rouge?

So this is an arhat. Also, aren’t morals an Anglophone ideal imported into Japan and the rest of Asia? That’s what separates Towa from Setsuna.

Akudama 5

This drone definitely won’t come in handy at all…(sarcastic)

There’s an Evangelion feel to these “masks”…

That box is like Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs! It’s great!

I like how the kids jump to the potential fact (?) this is a Swindler trick.

You can see Courier’s bike in the background when the bunny says “…and I mean everything.”

*Knights of Sidonia music starts playing* Search! And! Destroy! *record scratch as music stops*

I think this little discussion between Courier and Swindler will go down in Akudama Drive history as one of my favourite moments because it’s the little conversations that count. Also…does Courier have a mechanical hand, or is that just me thinking weird things…? Is that a glove?

Ooh, scars. Sexy. (On the Executioner Master, at least.)…Now I get why the guy wears that mouth covering.

HypMic 6

Halfway through the season already…? Yikes, how time flies. By the way, my assignment’s come and gone so I don’t need to focus on it anymore.

Hmm? Why did the subbers put “Prime Minister” when Ichijiku merely says “yes”…?

Wait, 1st question: how does one sign up for a rap battle? I don’t think that’s ever been answered. 2nd question (well, not a question): Dice is paying attention to Otome now…

I’m fairly sure that red brick warehouse was just that…as in the Red Brick Warehouse in Yokohama, which was also featured in Bungou Stray Dogs. Update: Oh, it’s (partially) a shopping mall…? I didn’t know that until now.

See, I told you they’re (Tom, Iris and Rex) probably foreigners…

That one shot of Jakurai? *chef’s kiss* Beautiful. Give me a million of ‘em. (Okay, I’m kidding to some degree, but I can’t help staring at it. Jakurai’s just too pretty…)

“Tweet-like lyrics”? Eh? When was Twitter a collective pessimist?

Oh, that’s basically the scene from the drama track. Where the heck is Jakurai fishing though…? I always imagined it to be at a river or a pier, not some concrete complex. Update: According to a user on Twitter, the fishing place is called “Ichigaya Fishing Centre”. It is, as you would expect, found in Shinjuku. Apparently, even Osomatsu-san featured the place...which would explain why it looks vaguely familiar to me.

Wow, I can’t believe how upfront they’re being about Ramuda breaking up TDD.

Ramuda thought in his deep voice…I almost didn’t recognise it for a second. It doesn’t even sound like Shirai. It sounds more like…Hayami, in fact.

“F*** yeah!” - …and they’re still going with the F bomb. Keep being you, subbers, keep being you.

That shot of Saburo in a dimly-lit room almost looks like the SR card in ARB, except in that one he has his headphones on (and might be outside, to my memory).

Oh, so the round thing really is Ichiro’s ring. It’s got an “I” on it too, i.e. the Roman numeral for one.

*Ichiro explains what happened to TDD from his and Samatoki’s side* - I don’t think we’ve ever seen the story from Ichiro’s or Samatoki’s perspective enough to know either thought this (or this way).

“Jiro! Saburo! Let’s go!” - …and Tom’s just taking photos as they leave, LOL.

I didn’t expect the TsudaKen guy to be back again, really.

Well, if this Google route is to be believed, “Sadamezuka’s soul” only lasts about 30 minutes by car crossing from one point to the other, hence Jiro’s remark.

Googling “Toyotama” and “Toyotama Line” gets you…Ghost of Tsushima links…?

…hmm. I’m not listening to it on a hugely loud volume, so I can’t quite tell what the pun is, but I think the word for “monk” in this case is “bouzu”. Then what’s the word for “electric dynamo”…? Update: The pun, according to Takahisa Maeyama, is Erekiteruteru Bouzu.

That ticking thing was really effective in terms of the song…but sasuga HypMic. Things went ka-blammo again.

So we’re probably going to see BB’s first DRB round next ep…or Matenrou doing another takedown similar to ep. 3. Or both. Both is good. (Or it could be the FP/M side of things, much like we got the BB/MTC side of things here.)

...Uh, shouldn’t that be “dawn”? The anime’s generally been very good about this (aside from the obvious typo in the BB logo), but…welp, they’ve done it now.

Update: The LOVE you see Hifumi and Doppo near is this one.

Update 2: As for the yakuwarigo, it…turns out, to no one’s surprise, it stays oddly consistent across all media, although individual treatment of the characters can differ depending on the author.

HGPC 4

Ooh, is this Element of Light?

Fate/Stay PreCure! Here we come!

Moriarty 4

Why is the “to” capitalised? (Is that even capitalised?)

Quinine.

I kind of knew the grapefruit and the heart condition and/or quinine would be relevant somehow…and boy howdy, was I right! I just didn’t really know what it was going to do, that’s all.

I thought the ED didn’t match very well, but looking at the translated lyrics…now it kind of makes sense.

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