#DO YOU THINK I’M STABLE ENOUGH FOR THIS

[khuzena]

Unsung prayers

Pairing: Aventurine x g/n!reader

Summary: Stop wishing for something you've already lost. You'll make a fool out of yourself. "Don't cry over spilt milk," they said. But why can't Aventurine— no, Kakavasha, why can't he stop crying? It's too hard to let go of you. You two were already about to move on but he's too pathetic to let you go.

Cw. Very angsty, unhealthy rs ehe, smut but it focuses more on like the heartbreak so yeee, I cried writing this goodnight, kinda short because i'm getting burnout from life lol

A/n: I'm sorry for not writing again like I originally promised. Working and studying overtime and things are getting too stressful. I just keep sleeping and playing Wuthering Waves :(

Aventurine is a man who trades dignity for security. He is a man who is willing to go through extreme lengths to prove that he is worthy, to prove that he is useful.

So when you two were still together, he found himself in an odd predicament. Aventurine is a man of his word, whenever he promises to spoil you with riches he doesn’t hold back. He is more than willing to blind you with exotic gems and take you out on dates you’ve never asked for.

He feels as if he has to prove himself that he is useful, that he is your tool to use for your own satisfaction and all he asks of you is a sprinkle of attention to be sure that he’s not useless, to be sure you won’t throw him away and to be sure that he is worthy of your longing gaze.

Yet affection and convenience are two things that rarely work together.

“I won’t,” You state firmly as you lock your eyes into his, “I’m not exposing your secret or your past.”

Aventurine’s voice hitches as he cocked his head to the side. “You think I’m falling for that?” He wants to fall for your words, he wants to believe that maybe you don’t see him as just a commodity or a tool.

As the shadows engulf you again in the dim room again, he wishes you were lying so he doesn’t have to deal with the hurt, “Stop.” You repeat in desperation, “Stop doubting me you dipshit.”

A wry chuckle escaped his lips when you grabbed him by the collar, “Why can’t you understand? I’m not betraying you.” He pleads with the universe that you were lying because the pathetic idea of you taking his secret down the drain hurts him in every way imaginable.

Before he could key in another word, “Stop talking, shut up.” There was a pregnant pause that filled the room before you continued, “I’m not one of your slave traders nor your buyers, I am not your master– I am just your lover.”

”My lover? How sweet.” There’s a flicker of vulnerability that appears in his gaze but he shuts it down, “Who’s to say you won't run to my enemies with my past? It’s too dangerous for you to stay with me.”

Aventurine believes that he’s served his purpose of being your convenient tool, that he can let you go now, that he’s loved you enough and that if he was too selfish to indulge more of you, he’d hurt you.

”Let me show you I won’t.”

He wants to be selfish.

“Eager are we?” His voice cracks. He could barely catch his breath, let alone take yours. His hand trembles ever so slightly at your arrogance that he reaches out to grab your waist.

He has to hold onto something, anything– it has to be something that no longer feels sane for him. That no longer felt solid. Something that could stay without the fear of letting go of again. And he has to let you know despite his walls he built for himself that despite his bravado and outward show, there was nothing about Aventurine that was stable or safe.

“You’re too much.” he stutters. “Stop doing this to me.”

”Stop talking.”

It certainly wasn’t enough to shut the gambler up. Light feathery kisses could suffice. One, two, three– you count with your fingers as you lightly tug on his collar a bit tighter. Four, five, six– he commits murder to himself, he shuts off his brain and kills himself inside so he could no longer feel.

“Stop doubting me goddamnit– Unlike those bastards, You’re not my tool.”

Seven, eight, nine– he’s still feeling, he’s not dead yet and he pleads with the universe– no, he begs mother fenge why. How could you say such a thing with unwavering confidence? How could you promise him something so tangible you could take it away so easily?

"You’re just Kakavasha."

His facade almost slips away but he has a role to play. The musky scent of your perfume drives him insane that he realises all he could think of is you. He’s not dead, he feels alive.

“You can’t just say that.” You could almost hear the bitterness and spite that lingers in his voice, the way his lips curl into a grimace before he swallows it away, “That ‘Kakavasha’ is just a product, a commodity.”

The tension between you two was thick, You know you should run. You have a whole career, a life, a future, to worry about. But something yearns inside you for Kakavasha. You can’t let go of the bastard blonde in front of you– not with the way he held you so gently in his arms even if his words reek with distrust.

“I love you.” He wants to shut his ears off.

He was sitting on the bed as your head fell to his chest. He can’t accept this– he can’t, he can’t. He wants to be selfish, he wants to but he can’t. Not when you caress his face so dearly, “Kakavasha.” And then another desperate sob, “Kakavasha– please, Kakavasha.”

Ten, eleven, twelve– He stills. Even if everything he’s ever wanted was in arm’s reach, he can’t bring himself to indulge and to hope. Thirteen, fourteen— fuck he forgot.

“This is wrong.” He whispers, voice raw, body trembling.

You two shouldn’t be doing this. You two shouldn’t even be thinking of doing this. You two were no longer an item, he thinks, even as he pulls you in closer. ‘We shouldn’t be like this’.

But it feels right, it feels so fucking right and everything else confirms that. The way your fingertips slowly snake down his trousers and how your breaths mingled together.

”Please,” He doesn’t want you to say it, don’t say it– “Kakavasha.”

He never wanted to ever hear his name again, everytime he did he pleaded with the universe to tear off his ears. He wants to sob because the only thing about ‘Kakavasha’ and the only thing he remembers of that shitty name of his was just a man who’s a Failure and an Abandoned slave.

“Kakavasha,” But when you call his name like that, he is not the pathetic leftover of the Avgins; he’s not the Kakavasha who is a Failure and an Abandoned slave.

He stays silent. He wishes that the universe turned him blind for his eyes to never lock with yours, for his senses to go paralyzed, numb– just so he can’t feel you.

“Let me love you.” You beg, reaching out for his left hand before he instinctively swatted your hand away. “Stop it.” His voice is choked, cracking, like his vision with tears. “You–“

Why is this so hard?

How could you call him like his name was something sacred– something worth worshipping. When his name rolls out of your tongue, it sounds like a prayer.

“Stop saying my name.” Aventurine’s hand shakes when you intertwine yours with his.

And with pleading eyes, you understand.

’Let’s not talk, let’s just not talk. Just feel.’

He wanted to scream when he felt your breath tickling his neck, your lips were dangerously close to his barcode, the trademark ‘Slave’ on his skin salient but you wanted to kiss him. He doesn’t want to talk so you don’t.

“I love you.” You beg for permission, your lips grazing softly on that mark of his. “Please?”

The atmosphere is suffocating– he’s drowning and asphyxiating at the same time and he could barely make out your words, he can barely– too much, too much. There’s nothing sexual, nothing intimate yet but this feels more romantic and real than anyone he’s ever fucked before.

“Please.”

He can’t respond, he doesn’t nod, he doesn’t know what to do. He knows how to act and love as Aventurine but he doesn’t know how to be normal. He doesn’t know how to be Kakavasha when he is Kakavasha.

“Is that a yes?” He tenses when your lips latch onto that burned mark on his neck.

“Just do it.” He croaks, One word– so simple yet so heavy. “I can’t say yes,” He’s grabbing your hand so tightly, so hard. “Not with words.”

He lets you, letting his head fall back onto the pillows, letting his eyes shut for a moment as your lips latch onto his scarred neck. His muscles tense, his heart pounding, his breath catching in his throat.

But his tears flow anyway, even if he wishes they wouldn’t. Even if he knows that it’s shameful.

”Don't cry,” stop, stop. You cupped his cheek gently, “Don’t cry, Kakavasha.”

Tears continue to drip while both your hands work on his shirt.

“You’re so…” You trail off. One button off, then another. “Beautiful”

Beautiful. That word was stuck with him all throughout his miserable years as a slave. He can hear his investors whisper among themselves, ‘Handsome’, ‘Beautiful’, and ‘Lucky’. There is nothing pretty about his blood stained hands. There's nothing beautiful of his wretched heart that only weeps for mercy. There’s nothing lucky about him because his life was only a gamble that he was bound to lose.

”Stop, stop–“ he begs, but he can never truly push you away, “I love you so much.”

The final button was unbuttoned as you helped him off his blouse, kissing his skin softly while making sure no part of him was left untouched.

His mind keeps racing whenever your voice echoes in his head, ‘Beautiful’, Beautiful? Kakavasha has never known beauty. Not when his childhood was marred by cruelty and violence, his early adulthood plagued by loneliness and regret.

“Can I?” A stifled moan escapes Aventurine when you hold him in your arms. “Should we have a safeword?”

Generally, it would be him asking, it would be him taking the lead. It feels wrong but oh god does it feel so right.

“Yes,” he whispers thickly, hips bucking into your hand, “Yes.”

He could only think of you, only you. His words are interrupted by a groan, a low, heavy sound in his throat. It hurts, but this– this feels right. Too gentle, so kind.

Too kind for him, probably.

“Sand.” He confirms.

The night continues, the scent of sex lingers for hours and he feels sick.

He wants to forget but he can’t. Not when you ride him for hours. Not when you put his comfort above yours. Not when he felt alive just by being in your presence.

Your voice still echoes in his head, “How’re you feeling? A-are you close?”

He could still feel your lips pressing onto his skin as he traced against the kiss marks.

”Y-yes, it’s– yes, Fuck–“ Kakavasha’s ears rings loudly whenever he hears himself, his voice cracks as he felt himself close to cumming inside you, every inch of him shaking and trembling like a shaken bottle of Soulglad, his mind filled with thoughs of you, with your taste, your scent and everything about you. You’re all he wants. You’re the only thing he’d ever want in this shitty life of his, just you, just you.

”Green light.” He begs Goddess Gaithra Triclops to save him, to relieve him of this pain.

His unsung prayers to his goddess were gone as only your name escapes his throat when he remembers the way you gently squeezed his hips as he moaned out.

“God– Kakavasha…”

Your tears pitter-patter against his chest as he shut his eyes close, “Let go of yourself for me, Kakavasha.”

And when he does let go, he wakes up to the scent of your perfume.

His bedside table with your ring waving at him. The promise ring he went through heaven and hell to get for you.

You were gone. You kept your promise to take his secret to the grave but you were still gone.

His head was in his hands as sobs wrecked his throat. God no, he's still fucking Aventurine, he stares into the mirror and he can't see Kakavasha.

He calls out your name like a prayer, this time, you do not respond.

Note: ain't proofread so pls do not attack me 😞😞😞 I'm gonna try to write more fics but m just so stress rn 😭😭

Written by @khuzena. Likes, reblogs and comments are always appreciated. ♡ 

#what have i done #honkai star rail #honkai star rail x reader #honkai star rail x you #hsr fluff #hsr x reader #honkai star rail angst #hsr angst #aventurine angst #aventurine fluff #aventurine smut #aventurine x reader #hsr aventurine #kakavasha x reader #dr ratio fluff #hsr smut #aventurine honkai star rail

[calaisreno]

His Move

1557 Words / Prompt: Manipulate

He shouldn’t have been surprised. Mary was an assassin, the business of her past never quite behind her. She’d run away once, and Sherlock had insisted they go after her. At that point, John was willing to let her go. They were never going to have the future he’d imagined when he bought her that ring. 

She was already dying when he arrived at the aquarium, and said the things you would expect a loving wife to say. You were my whole world. 

He felt a dull sense of relief, and hated himself for it. The problems of your future are my privilege. 

A future, cut short. And still, her problems would haunt him.

When Sherlock reached out his hand towards John, his eyes wide, John saw the horror-stricken expression on his face.. 

You were my whole world, he thought. 

Her body was lifted, put on a stretcher, and carried out. John followed.

Sherlock texts him: I’m so sorry. SH

John doesn’t reply.

Please talk to me, John. SH

He feeds Rosie, gives her a bath, puts her to bed. She fusses; she’s old enough to sense something is wrong. Now she has only her father to keep her world stable.

John, please. SH

He plans the funeral; there’s no one else. Mary has no family, only a few friends. It’s his responsibility. This keeps him busy, gives him space to work out what comes next.

Sherlock is actually sorry. This John doesn’t doubt. He’s not a sociopath, regardless of what he says.

John’s words at the aquarium were spoken in anger; he doesn’t blame Sherlock for Mary’s death. John is the one who brought her into their orbit. He can’t change that, but sometimes he thinks about what would have happened if Sherlock had returned six months sooner. Of course he would have been angry, and would have expressed how he felt about watching his best friend die, being abandoned for two years. Six months earlier, maybe he wouldn’t have paid attention to the new nurse, the one who kept flirting with him. 

He has no doubt that he would have come back to Baker Street if Sherlock wanted him. The compromise, as always, would have been on John’s part. Sherlock is never going to change. He will always treat John as a convenience, a habit that doesn’t require thought. 

Sherlock is rarely solicitous, never bestows compliments, only flatters someone if he’s being manipulative. The speech he gave at the wedding nearly knocked John over. Maybe Sherlock was only trying to do what was expected of him, but it was unexpectedly touching. 

Sitting there, hearing the two people who love you most, he’d had this thought: I would have waited for you, if I’d known. 

In his own way, Sherlock does love John. He also knows how to manipulate John, to get him to do what he wants. To keep John in the dark when he doesn’t trust him. 

Loving Sherlock has always meant giving something up. It means following him into danger. John isn’t sure he can afford that any longer, not with a child to care for. 

He has to be sure.

It doesn’t surprise John to see Sherlock at the funeral. Mrs Hudson sits with him, and Lestrade joins them. Molly slides into the pew, whispers something to Greg. It’s a protective entourage; they all know what John said.

Harry is home, watching Rosie. John sits alone, in the front row. 

Sherlock has texted him daily, and John hasn’t replied. That’s why Sherlock is here. He wants John to accept his apology, for everything to be as it was before he ruined it all by dying. Not that Sherlock understands it this way; he doesn’t think that dying ruined things. He’s convinced that he had to do it, that John would have died if he hadn’t. In his mind, there was no alternative. 

Maybe he’s right, but for two years, John carried the weight of grief. That’s just feelings, sentiment; Sherlock wan’t dead; he was saving John, saving the world, winning the game. He left John behind, let him grieve, because that was the only way to solve what happened at Barts that day. 

Sherlock will still leave John behind at crime scenes, run heedlessly into danger, and probably get wounded at some point. He will question John’s intelligence, talk to John when he’s miles away, text him impatiently while he’s treating patients. He will dismiss John’s concerns as frivolous, insist that sentiment makes him weak. He will break John’s heart again and again. That’s just the reality.

And John could break his heart, too. He has a temper, and letting go of anger is hard. Will that anger still be simmering in a year, two years? It’s hard for him to forgive; even in death, he hasn’t really forgiven Mary. 

Can he say he forgives Sherlock and really mean it?  

John prayed for a miracle, and hit the ghost when he returned. Sherlock didn’t hit back; he made a joke. He missed the point. 

But he pulled John out of a bonfire. His look of panic is something John won’t ever forget.  

He tricked John into forgiving him—but has also tried to be worthy of that forgiveness. 

He has expressed his love for John in front of a hundred people. 

These are not the acts of a heartless man.

Sherlock needs him. Maybe two years away was as hard for him as it was for John. 

Does John need him?

He imagines a life without Sherlock. He weighs it against a life without Mary. One is possible, one is past.

His wife was a master manipulator. He’s only beginning to realise the extent of that. He’d had doubts, but couldn’t put words to them until he was in Leinster Gardens, hearing her admit that she’d shot Sherlock, that she would do anything to keep John in the dark about who she really was. 

The woman he fell in love with saved him from despair.

The woman he’d married was a facade. 

He never forgave the woman who shot Sherlock. 

The woman he went back to gave him his daughter. 

So. Mary’s gone, and what he feels about that is a confusing mixture of guilt and sorrow—and relief. At some point, he loved her. Or the idea of her. He chose her. 

She made choices as well. She chose death, rather than allowing Sherlock to take that bullet. When John came back to her, she understood that he would never completely forgive her, that he was doing it for Rosie. She’d chosen to save Sherlock, to die rather than live with John’s grief over losing him a second time.

Sherlock didn’t kill her. She chose to die.

But when he stood at her grave, he didn’t ask her not to be dead.

What he wishes now is that they’d never met, that he could rewind time and make a different choice. That she was still alive, a stranger living somewhere else. 

But then he wouldn’t have Rosie. He loves his daughter completely, protectively, without rhyme or reason. He wants the best life for her, the carefree childhood he never had. And he imagines her growing up without a mother—with a father who has chosen to be alone. 

He pictures her, a child with pigtails and a stubborn streak. A teenager able to go toe-to-toe with her father and still see reason, take a small step back when she’s wrong. A young woman with curly blond hair and a teasing smile. She leaves for uni, and he’s alone again. He grows old, and remembers.

Does he need Sherlock? 

Absolutely, desperately. Like air. 

Can he trust Sherlock? 

Probably not. And he won’t change him.

He misses Sherlock. Whatever they have been to one another, his heart wants him. 

Is it worth the risk?

He’s standing in the church reception hall, drinking a cup of terrible coffee. Sherlock is across the room, looking at him. His expression is sorrowful, not the fake sorrow he can put on during a case, pretending he cares. His hands are stuffed in his coat pockets and he’s slouching against the wall, watching John.

Coworkers from the surgery express their condolences. Mrs Hudson hugs him tearfully. Lestrade tells him they need to get together over a pint. He accepts their sympathy, makes small talk because that’s what people do. All the while, he feels Sherlock’s eyes like a magnet, pulling on him. 

As the hall begins to empty out, he can resist the pull no longer. Sherlock looks up, surprised, as John walks towards him. His pale eyes fill with tears. 

John has given up so much already. He doesn’t blame anyone but himself. Maybe he’ll never fully trust Sherlock, but he’s already forgiven him. 

Setting aside all his objections, laying down his anger and his regret, he surrenders.

When he pulls Sherlock into the hug he’s always wanted, this time Sherlock hugs back. John makes deductions. He can smell a cigarette, maybe two (nervous). He feels his ribs, still too prominent (unhappy). He’s trembling with the emotion he hates (love). The world may have lost a fine actor when Sherlock Holmes became a consulting detective, but this is not acting.

“Please come home,” Sherlock whispers.

John smiles into his shoulder, his own tears beginning. “Oh God, yes.”

#mayprompts2024

[bakudekublogblog]

a twitter user pointed out that everyone is helping izuku forward but the only one he looked backward for was kacchan and the director was like “hehe you noticed” and I’m UN FUCKING WELL

edit: clarification this is actually him just talking about kacchan pushing him forward but it’s still so cute 🥺🥺

#bakudeku #bkdk #mha spoilers #bnha spoilers #WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME #DO YOU THINK I’M STABLE ENOUGH FOR THIS #BONES WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW WHAT DID HORI TELL YOU WHAT IS HAPPENING #DONT TEASE BAKUDEKU YAOI RIGHT NOW I’M GONNA LOSE IT

[itspileofgoodthings]

the thing is life continues to be hard and brutal and test me in some really painful ways but also I’m doing soooooooooo much better than I was a year ago because so many things have changed that needed to change and my coping skills are better, my sense of self is more stable, my relationships are more stable. so like so much to be thankful about every day even though I almost never am because I’m ungrateful and self-absorbed in the moment.

#all of last year was just everything being upended #change on change on change #and so of course I was like ‘it’s been a year aren’t I DONE now’ #and of course that is not life lol #(The best moment in the Barbie movie really was the ‘life IS change’ line) #but also sometimes you reap the fruit of hard things #and moving out and starting counseling #have both been huge #as things I needed and NEVER wanted #but I feel so glad for them now #and also just some of the stuff both of those changes have pushed me to examine #has led me to be so much more stable #overall I think #and like/ I’m still not happy all the time lol #there are things that are breaking my heart #and because I’m me there’s things that are breaking my heart that I know and things I’m probably not aware of #but I really do think some of the biggest things are settling #anyway will I feel terribly horribly sad soon? Yes probably. #But they are countered by these moments where my life feels for the first time like something I want to think about with my whole brain #and something that is enough to fill my whole heart #and it never did before. I was always like ‘yes yes my life that’s so good’ but also I was always trying to look away from it #and lose myself in endless distractions #and even sometimes the most beautiful side quests of my brain were still side quests #because I didn’t want to look at my life straight on #and somehow some equation has flipped and I don’t think of my life last now #or only out of the corner of my eye between my obsessions #out of fear and anxiety. Like I’m on my own kid I can face this! Etc. #and what I see is a life that IS good and has so much for me to do and there is so much to love and I DO have what I need #even if not’s what I ordered from the menu of life ANYWAY this is way more detail than you needed lolllll BUT YEah #just wanted to say it. thank you for listening

[stars-and-blackholes]

I’m gonna bite Pete Wentz like what the fuck do you mean you did bang the doldrums again.

#do you seriously think I’m stable enough for this #fall out boy #fob #petekey #pete wentz #tourdust

[crybaby-bkg]

for the past couple of months I’ve found myself to be so like anxious and depressed whenever I log on here and I couldn’t figure out why??? like when I was getting a lot of interaction and attention it stressed me out and now that I don’t get as much it fucks w my mental but then I realized. I’m simply just pmsing. and what SUCKS is that I pms for a full like two weeks so half of the month I’m like “why do I even bother on here. what’s the point. I’m talking to the void constantly. I need attention but I can’t ASK????” and it’s simply. the PMDD. the Prozac hasn’t kicked in yet, I fear.

#this is torture #and omg my co star today was like #you’re creating distance betwee yourself and others and they don’t wanna keep crossing it to talk to you #OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT #and it makes so much sense omg I get so scared of reaching out to people #cause I think that THEY think I’m annoying or don’t wanna be bothered #and sometimes I genuinely just don’t know what to say #and I feel so isolated but I’m doing it to myself 😔 #anyway what I’m saying is. I want attention ALSJDKDJFJ #idk I just feel weird every time I come on here #I think I should take a break but it’s such routine for me to log on morning and night #that I would feel empty not doing it #bc I like reading and seeing you guys but I also think im not stable enough to not see my own stuff getting interaction #I’m just whining I’m sorry agskddhd #tw: vent #—in store chit chat! 🍫

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

There always seems to be one kid who just screams like a tornado siren, all day long, at any given opportunity. Like, kid, I love you, you are precious and deserve all the happiness in the world; but please for the love of god shut up. There are people trying to learn here and you’re not helping them or yourself.

#I don’t like being harsh with people in general but if one child is raising the tension in the room to a fever pitch every single day #making it incredibly hard for the kids who are trying really really hard to focus when they already have focus issues #and because I know this specific kid gets absolutely spoiled rotten at home and is allowed to do whatever they want #you know… sometimes it helps to show the kid how they sound to others by demonstrating the obnoxious nature of The Scream #because when the parents do Jack Shit about teaching their kid discipline and courtesy; you have to be a parent in their stead #But do NOT continue to scream. You are an adult with adequate emotional control. Screaming should be be done EXTREMELY sparingly #and only utilized for demonstration purposes or to stop a brawl; not for bullying or intimidation #Don’t do a JoJo Siwa and TRY to make kids cry even though you may get stressed enough that you want to escalate on purpose #Again: you are an adult with adequate emotional control; don’t escalate unless the overreaching plan is to deescalate #if eliciting a startle response will stop harmful behavior and “snap them out of it” for long enough for you to get through #or if they just need to let all their emotions out at once so they can lose enough of that high energy to think critically #then sure #but you have to guide them back down very carefully and calmly; it’s a precise science #Don’t be mean about it; be genuine in your feelings and don’t go overboard. Genuine ≠ mean unless you’re evil #Or if you don’t feel emotions very strongly (like I do) then react like a “normal” person. Lie about being angry or sad if it is appropriat #Again: Your goal should not be to get the kid to do what you want; the goal should be to get them to feel good enough #so they are ABLE to do it in the first place #And the goal should also be to show them how their actions affect others if they are not aware of it #“Teach a man to fish” and all that. Don’t always check them; get them to check themselves #If a kid hits another kid when they’re angry at something completely unrelated; then 1.) redirect destructive behavior #and 2.) walk them back over to the kid they hurt and say: #“Look at [name]; look how sad you made them. [name] didn’t do anything to you #It’s okay to be angry but we CANNOT hit people when we are angry because it hurts and makes them cry.” Works great #Always remember there is a power imbalance inherent in EVERY child-adult relationship and NEVER abuse it #And if you’re not patient or emotionally stable enough to work with or have children; then don’t. Please don’t. #Children are not cute little dolls to play dress-up with; nor are they perfect angels; nor are they your personal stress ball #Having children is NOT A GAME. They are PEOPLE who will grow to be your age one day and everything you do affects them #Sorry I’m just tired of all these parents who shove iPads in their kids faces so they don’t bother them. You’re giving them an addiction

[rosicheeks]

i do not know if i ever sent this to you. i have posted it. i hope you like it Princess.

#uhhhhhm no you HAVE NOT SENT THIS TO ME BEFORE?!?! #I literally am speechless #I’m not super talky right now #but even if I was I feel like I’d still be fucking speechless #like I already said I love your writing 🩷 #and it fucking BLOWS ME AWAY when people write about me or use me as an inspiration #like????????? what??????? me???????????! #I’m going to keep this close to my heart and look at it whenever I’m feeling down #I don’t remember if I said that already but it’s true #I need to get a journal or a cute box to put things like this in so I can just grab it and look through them when I’m feeling shitty #one thing I needed to say is the fact that you shared this with me now of all times??? is kinda crazy to me #idk if it’s a coincidence or if the universe/God/whoever/whatever is trying to tell me to go back into music and singing #not going to go into it too much but I’ve been looking at my life a lot lately #and I’m realizing I’m not getting any younger…. I know I’m still young but if I don’t do something soon - #my life is going to completely pass before my eyes and I really really don’t want that #I’m *finally* going to get mental help soon (long story but I have to wait a few weeks) #and once I’m actually mentally stable I can focus on what I want to do with my life #so I’ve been thinking a lot about my performing arts background and then randomly a get an email from a choir director I know #asking if I could please join the choir for their Easter performance cause they could really use my high notes #and she just kept complimenting me and it felt really nice ☺️ #then when I went to the first rehearsal I sat next to this girl and we were singing a part and the first sopranos go up to a high A #and I can hit it easily but most of them couldn’t so it felt like I was going this mini solo lol #but she asks me what my range is and I told her that back when I trained I could sing queen of the night which I think goes up to an F6 #and she was talking about how impressive that is #and it made me think about if I actually trained and got back into it how good I actually could get #I don’t mean this to be like ‘look at me look at me I’m so good’ #it just feels nice to have a little bit of a direction again #who knows if I’ll actually go down the music path again but it does sound damn exciting #I miss it with all my heart - I miss singing and performing and acting… I even miss music theory #anyway rant over and i ran out of space but thank you so much I seriously can’t thank you enough 😭🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷

[canisonicscrewyou]

she’s insane she’s a wet cat of a human being she’s got daddy and mommy issues up to here she’s pathetic she’s everything she’s a breakthrough case she’s in hiding she’s forever mourning she’s a mom she’s got trauma she doesn’t even know how to find a therapist for she loves her friends and she secretly loves attention and if one things for certain she’s never stepping foot inside of the TARDIS ever again (a lie)

#rehashing a cringey self insert OC from 2014 but making her cringe in all new ways #unsure if I’m ever going to properly write anything w her again (to share w anyone at least bc a bitch has been writing) #but at the very least it’s been fun rehashing this OC. Molly Archer you were never stable enough to be a normal companion <33 #but yet you keep getting dragged back in #she does eventually get a therapist for the Issues arising from the Everything (not related to why she had one before of course) #she just finds a fantastical allegory to let her therapist wrap their head around a fantastical situation #that eventually ends with ‘yeah so I think one of my soulmates died but immediately came back as a close friend who rightfully #denied my (obviously unrequited) feelings. we had a kid. she’s kind of fucked up medically because of it. he found out and tried to hate me #about it. life moves on I guess lmao lmao’ #it’s also okay bc her kid grows up fine-ish and then gets dragged into her own alien fuckshit for being A Special I guess #do adore that her kid is like a Top Ten Doctor Hater. not an enemy she just hates his guts and mostly grew out of it after her teenage years #passed #is anyone still reading this bc it’s half incomprehensible #if I write anything it’s going to be so self indulgent #but for now I just have. playlists. #if you read all or most of the tags you’re so so strong. and also should hit me up(earnest) if you want to listen to me ramble more about #this. brainworms in my head

[mirsvintagesonytv]

This may be controversial but I Genuinely wish people would stop being all arrogant and patronising Abt organ donation.

Like people talking abt organ donation to me is the equivalent of those virtue signalling posts on tiktok that’s like “if you don’t do this you’re a shit human being and don’t deserve genuine love or care” cuz yeah organ donation is important but so is respecting people’s wishes who don’t feel comfortable doing it. For example if your religion doesn’t allow it. Me personally I’m not opposed to organ donation but I don’t want to sign up (I live in a country where I’m automatically assumed an organ donor unless I opt out anyways) because I have such bad anxiety if I think about it I will have a panic attack. And I struggle rlly bad w intrusive thoughts and one occurring one is Abt having my organs removed so I just hate thinking about it bc it’s genuinely really distressing for me. Like the thought of having my organs taken is just so panic inducing and awful for me to think about because it reminds me of how I’m going to die one day and I’m actually terrified of that so xxxxx and whenever I try to explain this to people when I say I’m not an organ donor (haven’t got a card that u get when u sign up) it’s like “WHY NOT??!?!?!?” “YOULL BE DEAD YOU WONT NEED THEM!!!” “WHY ARE YOU SUCH A SHIT PERSON DO YOU NOT CARE ABOUT OTHERS IN NEED????” Like no. Just let me explain for two secs and stop being an asshole !!! I just think that it’s stupid cuz I think that even if it’s not for religious reasons we should still respect the wishes of the dead. If I say I don’t want to donate I don’t want to and I have a valid reason and that should be respected. I get that organ donation is struggling bc of aging population but you don’t have to make me feel guilty about my genuine fears and anxieties because you want to make yourself look better. Cuz these people don’t care they just wanna make themselves seem better than you most of the time. And they just scream at you and it’s really upsetting.

#more in tags #like there’s ways to get people to donate but publicly shaming and humiliating them is not it #and it just hurts as a mentally ill person to be hounded over things that genuinely make my illness worse #bc god forbid I want to stay stable and not have a breakdown #plus I’m also disabled like it’s good I’m not an organ donor bc babes none of this is working for me #so why would it work for anyone else #organ donation is a privilege and I feel as well that I’m not heard out as a disabled person when I try to explain #that hey I am self aware enough to know that my organs wouldn’t be of use to anyone once I die bc they’ll probably be the reason I do #plus I can still donate in other ways #like I’m all for donating blood or plasma and to help where I can and feel comfortable doing so #but forcing people to do something bc YOU think it’s best without even considering personal nuance is stupid and I hate it #organ donation #organ donor #personal #mirs thoughts #mir screams #vent #vent post #mental illness #mental health #blood donation #blood donor #plasma #hospital #blood drive #healthcare

[yuribalisms]

I hate my gender I hate it I hate my gender this is fucking stupid I hate it I hate it I hate it could I be literally anything fucking else I’m so goddamn sick of this

#I’m like 99.9999999% sure I am genderfluid #which is all great and fine when I go like literal months #being perfectly happy and content being feminine and being called a girl and enjoying she/her pronouns #until all of a sudden I’m just vibing on the couch last night and the dysphoria just fucking SLAMMED into me #and it was so Fucking Stupid too I just saw a buff shirtless male video game character and my brain was like #‘kinda bullshit you don’t look like that huh’ #and now I hate everything and I get my five millionth ‘am I trans man’ crisis #except at this point I KNOW I’m not cuz this is the pattern #I’ll be uncomfortable for several months like two ppl I know will use he/him pronouns for me and I’ll enjoy it #and then eventually I’ll decide THAT now makes me uncomfortable and I’ll go back to either hyperfem or androgyny #whichever is scratching the itch at the time #and I’m so…. so fucking sick of this pattern #cuz say I DID do anything to transition then whenever I inevitably wanted to look like a woman it’d be the same thing just reveresed #AAAAHGGGHHHHHHHH #I want it to stop I want stable feelings about gender one way or the other this is so fucking stupid and unfair #I hate it I hate it I hate it #this is the worst way to experience gender ever I literally can do NOTHING about it #and these intense switches are just gonna keep happening #like idk at least I’m self aware enough I’ve figured out the pattern but honestly I think that kinda makes it worse in a way #androgyny is my go to and has definitely never made me feel Bad #but life certainly is fucking easier when I’m happy with and leaning into being more fem aligned than masc aligned #bye I’m gonna go die in a hole now #kaz rambles

[daenerys-targaryen]

damn I forgot what the feeling of being left out was like during non tour albums 🤩

#leah rambles #basically I’m spiraling rn #I just wish I were more. #being happy for those who are getting noticed -> feeling bittersweet cause it’s not you #jealousy is a human emotion and I’m not ashamed to admit that I do have it sometimes #but also I’ve known this feeling since 2014 so. word. #and it’s not even about Taylor either it’s just like the fandom as a whole too #cause I’ve also felt this @ st fandom on twitter too #and I know I shouldn’t base my self image off of strangers #but get this: I always have and always will 🤪😞 #like if I were smarter or prettier or wealthier or more creative maybe I’d like.. make more friends? #phew the self loathing tonight is very strong #anyways #I once again am re thinking being on social media except tumblr. #this shit is not good for my mental health. #my fear of not being good enough is like AMPLIFIED on every other social media except here #it’s ridiculous. #anyways um. hehe. #I feel like that Tik tok of the person who said ‘watch me organize my anti psychotics’ #because I am trying to get off my mood stabilizers. and hm. I am… most certainly.. not stable atm. #okay bye I’ll stop rambling if you made it this far here is a snack and a flower 🍿🌸 #bye again.

[killstreak-kritzkrieg]

capitalism and cannibalism almost rhyme #deep

#idk i was just thinking about the cannibalistic nature inherent to capitalism #and how money is the number 1 priority in anything ever and it doesn’t matter how manipulative you have to be to get it #manipulation is a good thing! a great thing! #you will be rewarded with mounds of cash more cash than any human could even dream to imagine #and all you have to do is lure in suckers to do the cool new thing and spend money on it and nothing else matters as long as you get that $ #the future is what you make it and if you have enough money you could make it whatever you want it to be #at that means you could just make yourself richer and do it again and again and to no end #until you have consumed the entirety of humanity #you have to buy in quick right now or you’ll miss out on this craaaaaaaazy gold rush happening right now #and you’re a total chump for missing out! #and the economy will adjust to the people gaming the system and people who love their life by moral standards and don’t buy into #the bullshit will get pushed back more and more until they are homeless #and or miserable #and the rich will be able to propagandize that these people are just too lazy to make money and should never be helped #anyways i’m perfectly okay and mentally stable

[hobisexually]

x

#y’all I’m exhausted #my cat keeps going on the litter box but not doing anything #and I think she just doesn’t like the stuff in it and the box is too small so I ordered a new one but it will take two days to get here and #I don’t know what to do!!!!!!! #and I keep waking up when I hear she gets on it in the middle of the night in stress checking whether she’s doing something #and she isn’t #and I keep having nightmares of her dying and having to tell her owner she didn’t last a week with me and she never should’ve brought her #last time she went on it was what? Sunday early morning? #its Tuesday it’ll be fine #but you know????????? #I also had to leave her behind for the first time today because I need to go to work #I stretched it by one day by working from home yesterday but yk #im so FRANTIC and I’m so stressed and my supervisor is leaving on holiday for three weeks so I’m in charge of the big stuff suddenly #which I’m not stable enough for atm at all I shouldn’t be in charge of anything in this state of mind #also apparently my dad is hurting a lot over not speaking to me and yeah my man same but ?????? what am I gonna do huh #it took me a WHOLE month to feel normal again after the disaster that was December we can’t keep doing this #I cried in the middle of a fancy restaurant last night #and then as if that wasn’t bad enough had to have a talk with my mum about racism and body image and religious trauma and how she can’t keep #getting in the middle of my dad and me and then it spiralled into a conversation abojt how my dad impacted HER #and how the divorce was hell for her for a reason because the emotional abuse was. hm. #and hearing that! also how much weight she lost then which I always thought was because she was sick but no it was him #very difficult to hear #fuuuuckkkkk meeeeeee y’all #and I can Feel my brain going around in circles like it’s anxiety central and I can’t stop it atm #shit man. #UGH #I HATE THIS SOMEONE KNOCK ME THE FUCK OUT #@ [redacted] go ahead honestly

[aslisjournal]

What do I want from this dunya?

I have a personal blog I update from time to time, check out my latest post, where I reflect on my ambition, re-starting my art, and what that even means in this dunya

#tldr #this question is something I’ve been thinking about a lot #like what would make me happy #if all else were to go to chaos #what’s my stable platform #because everything is like quicksand in this dunya #you get the degree #you stress about the job #you get the job #you stress about xyz #it’s the perspective that’s flawed #it’s the need for the external influx of things to go the way I want #which is so unrealistic in this dunya #I feel like I’m never enough #and part of it is reality #I am behind for my age #I’m missing a lot #and the other part of it is the nature of this world #most of the time it isn’t gonna go your way #what can I do to combat this? #anyways check it out if you have the time #deen #somali #allahﷻ #Somalia #sabr #tawwakul #islamicquotes

[certifiedyapperx]

imagine you’re dating ghost and no one knows. the two of you have kept it a secret on your end and his just for your protection— because ghost knows what could happen if someone finds out, how someone might try and target you to get to him, or worse, given his line of work.

but then imagine that he’s on a mission, interrogating some piece of filth ready to decorate the fucking wall with his brain matter when the guy says “you know what, simon, killing me would be the biggest mistake of your life.”

immediately ghost would pause, eyes narrowed, though his hardened demeanour wouldn’t fade much, he’d just blankly stare at the prick like “oh yea? n’ why don’ you tell m’ why.”

the shit-eating grin that would crawl across that fuckers lips would have ghost ready to kill him right then and there, but then he’d say “reach in my pocket. pull out my phone.”

id like to think ghost would have absolutely none of this assholes bullshit, not at all entertained by his theatrics. i’d like to think he’d just press the muzzle of his gun to the fuckers temple within an instant, all teeth barred and ready to get it over with when the guy would add,

“your girlfriend is a fucking beauty, isn’t she?”

everything would pause. ghost, time, the world, air, the universe itself—the life that would drain from ghosts face would almost be enough to make his alias a reality. his heart pounding in his throat, his fingers fucking trembling as he immediately reached into the assholes pocket to find his phone—a picture of a woman tied up (face not in view however) lighting up on the home screen. there’d be no thinking rationally, no thoughts in ghosts head except for making sure you were fucking okay. he’d do whatever he’d have to do, kill the guy, leave him strapped there, whatever—he’d be out of that room in two seconds flat and personally flying the helicopter back to your house calling you nonstop every fucking second until you answered.

“hello? si?”

he’d wait a second before answering. taking everything in. background noises, the inflection of your voice. it sounds calm, maybe too calm? he’s grasping his phone so fucking hard it’s a miracle it hasn’t shattered between his fingers.

“princess,” he breathes, fighting with everything in him to keep his voice steady. “see any birds today?”

though it was a genuine question, it also was an established one. ghost had set up a series of questions for a situation precisely like this. if you said blue jay, it meant you were fine, at home, as usual. if you said crows, it meant you weren’t.

“oh just the usual blue jays, si.” he could almost hear the smile on your lips. “everything okay? i miss you.”

ghost would exhale a shattered breath. “i’m coming home.”

and then he’d show up, not all but a few hours later, hands still trembling slightly, heart rate still struggling to regulate. it was too much, reminding him too much of his past traumas, he knew he needed to find better protection for you, but that was a conversation for another time.

he’d come in the house, barely even taking the time to shut the door behind him, almost frenzied again, relentless, unable to relax until he could finally lay eyes on you. and then, the second he did, he’d just pause and look at you, all messy hair and pyjamas still on, in the kitchen cooking breakfast for you both since you knew he was on his way.

and he wouldn’t say a goddamn word, he’d just come up behind you and wrap his arms around your waist, hugging you so tight you’d hardly be able to breathe, his face buried in your hair and his heart thumping at your back. you’d feel the pain the fear the anxiety radiating off him and you wouldn’t try to say anything because you knew he needed this, you knew he needed to see you, hold you, feel your pulse stable and alive. you knew he just needed a moment to breathe.

and so the two of you would stand there like that for a while, and then he’d take a big inhale and spin you around to face him, pulling up his mask to plant soft kisses on your jaw.

“i love you so fuckin’ much.”

#simon riley imagine #simon riley cod #simon riley x you #simon ghost riley #simon ghost x you #simonriley #simon riley #simon #simon riley call of duty #simon ghost x reader #simon riley x reader #simon riley smut #simonrileysmut #ghost smut #simon ghost smut #ghost riley #ghost #ghost cod #task force 141 #taskforce141