you have to go to work so you can pay for your doctor, who is not taking your insurance right now, and if you say i can't afford the doctor's you are told - get a better job. it is very sad that you are unwell, yes, but maybe you should have thought about that before not having a better job.
(where is the better job? who is giving out these better jobs? you are sick, you are hurting - how the hell are you supposed to be well enough for this better job?)
but you go to the doctor because you had the nerve to be hurt or sick or whatever else. and they tell you that it is because you have anxiety. you try your best. you are a self-advocate. you've done the reading (which sometimes pisses them off worse, honestly). you say it is actually adding to my anxiety, it is effecting my quality of life. so they say that you are fat. they say that all young people have this happen to them, isn't it a medical marvel! they say that you should eat more vegetables. they say that you probably just need to lose a little more weight, and that you are faking it for attention.
(what attention could this doctor possibly give? what validation? that's their fucking job, isn't it?)
there is always a hypochondriac, right. someone always tells you about a hypochondriac. or someone who is unnecessarily aggressive during the worst days of their life. or someone looking "for a quick fix". or some idiot who wasn't educated about how to properly care for themselves who just abandons their treatment. and again, the hypochondriac, the overly-cautious hysteric. these people don't deserve to be treated like humans (right), and since you might be one of these people, you also don't get treated like a human. because those people can really fuck with the system, you now have to pay for it. and besides. you're actually probably faking it.
(more often than not, you find a 2:1 ratio of these stories. for every "hypochondriac", there are 2 people who knew something was wrong, and yet nobody could fucking find it. the story often ends with pointless suffering. the story often ends with and now it's too late, and it's going to kill me.)
you are actually just making excuses. someone else got that procedure or that diagnosis and he's fine, you should be fine too. someone else said they watched a documentary about other inspirational people with your exact same condition, maybe you should be inspirational, too. you're just too morbid. your pain and your experience is probably just not statistically concerning. it is all self-reported anyway, and you're just being a baby.
(once, while sitting down in the middle of making coffee, you had the sudden, horrible thought - i could kill myself to make the pain stop. you had to call your best friend after that. had to pet your dog. had to cry about it in the shower. you won't, but that moment - god, fuck. the pain just goes on and on.)
you know someone who went in for routine surgery and said i still feel everything. they told her to just relax. it took her kicking and screaming before they figured out she wasn't lying - the anesthetic drip hadn't been working. you know someone who went in for severe migraines who was told drink water and lose weight. you know someone who was actively bleeding out and throwing up in the ER and was told you're just having a bad period.
in the ER there are always these little posters saying things like "don't wait! get checked today!" and you think about how often you do wait. how often the days spool out. you once waited a full week before seeing the doctor for what you thought was a sprained wrist. it had actually been broken - they had to rebreak it to set it.
but you go into the doctor. the problem you're having is immediate. the person behind the counter frowns and says we're not taking your insurance. you will be paying for this out-of-pocket.
they send you home with tylenol and a little health packet about weight loss or anxiety or attention deficit. on the front it has your birthday and diagnosis. you think about crying, and the words swim. it might as well say go fuck yourself. it might as well say you're a fucking idiot. it might as well say light your money on fire and lie down in it. and the entire fucking time - the problem persists.
it's okay. it's okay, it's just another thing, you think. it's just another thing i have to learn to live with.
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Thinking about Husk's confrontation with Alastor, focusing on the fact that he ACTUALLY managed to talk to him about it in the first place.
He knows firsthand how dangerous Alastor actually is despite the goofy persona he portrays, yet he still managed to, in some way, nearly speak to him as an equal.
He goes to him to tell on Mimzy, to warn Alastor and actually advice him to kick her out bc she's nothing but trouble. And Alastor isn't really angry about this part???
"Its nothing I cant handle, don't worry Husker."
He downplays it yea, treating Husk like a pet that couldn't possibly be on his level, but still, he wasn't mad. On some level, Husk knows he can at least speak on semi even footing with Alastor so long as he doesn't push his limits.
And how Husk's whole thing is that he can see through people. He and Alastor have known each other for a while, he's learned a lot abt him during his time as his slave, and adding that to Husk's talent, he can read the man quite well.
Its so interesting how he actually looks concerned here. Whether he's concerned for Alastor as his boss, or that Mimzy is gonna put his friends in danger, you can tell he has doubts. He's reading the situation, he's reading Alastor
And Alastor clearly doesn't like that.
Husk can read whoever he wants except Alastor. Because he's Alastor's "pet", he's leagues below Al, and yet Husk dares to read him like they're equals and that annoys him.
So he belittles Husk, again, ruffling his hair, calling him pet names, all to remind Husk where he stands on this lil hierarchy.
Also this lil rant would not be complete without pointing out how Husk actually touched Alastor, and Alastor didn't really mind.
Al was alr pretty annoyed with this lil guy, but he didn't brush him off or wipe his coat after Husk touched him. He only got mad when Husk brought up his own leash, nothing abt Husk touching him or simply talking to him. I read somewhere that Alastor considers Husk one of his closest "friends" of a sort and I love how it shows here.
It shows a really interesting twisted "friendship". Alastor, according to his standards, has already given Husk a huge bargain. He doesnt kill him, he lets Husk talk to him, speak on even footing at times. He considers Husk as one of his closest friends, bc someone who he has in chains(who would still talk back at times) is the closest thing he'll ever have to a friend. Idk where im going with this
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