#And I will never not resent the structure of the system that had that future in mind for me | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

funkymbtifiction · 1 year

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I had a few questions for you regarding distinguishing between ISXJ or infp with strong Si tert…I’m very positive that I’m a 6w5. I just wanted to ask your thoughts on this? Because I know some infp have very strong Si...

I am pretty confident of you being ISFJ 6w5 from previous conversations and none of this really changed my mind. Fi-doms are "me-centered" (judging things by their immediate reaction to them) and you don't vibe that way. You seem like a dominant perceiving type (take in information, think about it, process it) rather than a dominant judging type (relate it to your feelings like a Fi-dom).

•My life really is run by deadlines and school right now. I want to do perfectly, get good grades, focus on my studies. I’m very nervous all the time over school and I shut out all other parts of my life because of it. <- this is how superego 6 students act when in school

•I’m doubtful of myself and my future. <- 6

I feel like it’s very hard for me to learn hands on skills and live life outside of my head. <- introvert without Se

This part makes me doubt Si dom because you mention how they don’t like abstract things. <- I know many ISFJs who love MBTI and the Enneagram because it helps them "explain" the world; but unlike an N type, they would not invent an abstract system like MBTI for themselves. Something to think about.

I love using mbti to explain everything and immersing myself into my same daydream of being noticed. I hate jumping into situations and doing things in the moment that I have not done before. I feel like I don’t know what to do or how to operate. <- this indicates Si, but not its placement in the stack

•under stress I become impulsive and worry over my future and being fired or not making it. <- again, this fits with 6 and inferior Ne (realistic fears for the most part, such as being fired)

•I prefer my daydream or head to reality but I’m tied to reality in the fact that I’m always prepared, punctual, and ready for college. <- do you think an INFP with inferior Te could sustain this without getting cranky because it's not what they want to be doing? When your feelings run everything and you live by them, you tend to start resenting any kind of outside structure and ranting against it. I talk about this at length in my typing book. IFPs told me that external rules and structures annoy them and seem to stifle their "creativity." Instead of seeing the purpose they serve to keep things running, they make it about how they are being oppressed by it (weak Te, under the influence of a Fi that judges everything according to how it impacts me). ISJ types are far more likely just to do what needs done, for however long it's required, because "that's how it is" and they know it won't last forever.

•I’m okay with staying home, doing the same things over and over, just using my head, and not branching out into the world. My mind is my escape and I get nervous in new environments <- introvert, no Se

•I have strong ideas of what I THINK makes sense. If I feel someone does not think accurately then I question them. <- depends on what kind of questioning it is, but here again, you indicate some Ti. You judge their thinking, not their ethics. IFP doesn't care how another person reached a decision they don't like if they disagree with it; it just makes them wrong or "stupid."

•I want to make my parents proud more than anything. Any decision I make I keep them in mind. <- this is debatable, but leans Fe because you and your feelings aren't the center of your focus. IFPs can be considerate of others, but it always comes after "what is best for me" and/or "what I feel I must do that is right for me." ISFJs, on the other hand, feel responsible for other people's feelings and can subvert their own feelings to take care of others.

But I doubt any Fe use because I’m highly introverted, anti social, and don’t feel a desire to date or be with anyone. <- this implies IFPs might want to be alone and never have a romantic relationship; most humans seek out sexual connections, regardless of type. And none of that rules out ISFJ.

•I act polite when spoken to in Public but usually I’m aloof. I’m more moody at home. <- again, not type specific

•I have tunnel focus and hate multi tasking <- not type specific

• I love to internally focus on the same things <- Si

•my life consists of school and home <- sp/so for sure

•it’s just hard between ISXJ and INFP. On the one hand, could being 6w5 make me question Si dom when I’m not? I’m imaginative and like to escape into my head and get nervous acting in the moment but I also am never late, need perfection with school, and fear failure and doubt myself in very new situations. I take things day by day and still have no idea what to do in nursing, despite it being my last semester. I just push myself into overthinking and can’t think of many options. <- I think as a 6, you just don't want to land on ISFJ.

I encourage you to purchase my book if you can and read it. I consulted people of the different types and it's quite accurate in terms of internal focus, dialogue, and stress behaviors. ISJs can have rich internal worlds populated with Si. :)

Here's a question for you -- if someone came up to you at work and asked you to theorize wildly on something on the spot, could you do it or would that aggravate you and stress you out? High Ne is good with speculation and theorizing, but inferior Ne finds it taxing.

#question #mbti #isfj

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smnthchrstn · 3 years

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Sacrifice: the Rise of Adeline Goode | II. GUIDED BY A BEATING HEART

(an American Horror Story fic)

author’s note: hi, this is part 2/2 of a collaboration with @tempusinfinituumword count is 4,299 words.

"There is a home and a family waiting for you."

Adeline sat cross legged on her fire escape, facing her bedroom window. She was leaned forward so she could get a somewhat clear view of the small box TV that sat on her dresser. Her eyes were fixated on the staticky screen. She'd seen that woman before. She'd seen her more times than she could count—but always when she was asleep.

Adeline knew she was different at a young age. She could do things her foster siblings couldn't—and when you were a child of the system, what made you different made you a target. It wasn't until the summer she turned thirteen that she met a young girl who claimed to be a witch. The girl shared a lot of similarities with Adeline, including things they could do like telekinesis or lighting a flame with their mind. Adeline had a constant sense of calm the few times the witch visited her.

They met on her first day in the group home. Adeline was having a hard time adjusting, especially after the incidences at her last foster home. She was sitting by a small brook, leaning back against a tree when she heard someone humming. The song was familiar; Adeline's subconscious recognized the melody and she caught herself humming along. The older witch was startled, not having seen the petite blonde curled up on the ground. The two of them started talking, and before long Adeline was having to rush home to try to make it there before curfew. It was at their second meeting that the girl admitted to being a witch, telling her that's what lead her to Adeline. "I could sense you were one of my tribe," the girl would say anytime they spoke about their first meeting. She taught Adeline what she knew—which wasn't much as far as structure goes—when it came to magic. In exchange, at the older woman's request, Adeline would read to her every day for an hour after school.

When the girl stopped visiting, Adeline shut down for a few days, an unexpected depression overwhelming her existence. It lasted for less than a week, then Adeline was back to her normal self. She started spending less time in the woods—it made her sad, reminding her of her long lost friend. This, however, meant that was more time she'd spend at the group home—which meant more time to be a direct target of abuse and torment at the hands of some of the other girls.

That day on the fire escape was the first day in a year that Adeline wasn't bothered. She wasn't being pushed, slapped, or cussed out every other minute. She convinced Rita to let her skip school, telling the older woman she was dealing with a stomach bug. Once Rita had left for work, Adeline got the bag she'd kept packed under her bed. She did that in every foster home she lived in, in the event she needed an exit strategy. She was climbing onto the fire escape when—for a reason she couldn't yet tell—the voice on the TV stopped her. She turned around, sat down, and watched the interview.

Adeline felt like she was seeing a ghost, or the physical embodiment of her childhood imaginary friend. She'd had frequent dreams that involved this person, and she knew that was a sign. She had to find her. When the news flashed the name of the school once more, and Adeline quickly memorized the address that was listed beneath it. She used to think her photographic memory was one of her powers, until she changed foster homes and met another girl who shared the same talent. She felt a twinge of sadness when the girl briefly crossed her mind, but she shook it off and started on her journey to Robichaux’s.

It was long after dark when Adeline finally arrived at the large manor. She, being a foster child in a group home, obviously didn't have a cell phone. She stopped at one of the tourist stores that frequented almost every block in New Orleans, using the small amount of money she had to buy a map. She walked up the front steps onto the large, cypress wood porch. "Wait," she stopped herself. "What the hell am I doing?" Her fight or flight started kicking in, but it was too late. Despite her stopping herself from knocking and making virtually no noise at all, Adeline heard the lock click as it was unlocked and the front door opened.

—

Cordelia took a deep breath, her heels clicking against the linoleum in the kitchen. She had a newfound confidence to her as Supreme. Something she'd been desperately missing for so long. Something she didn't know she could be capable of. The middle-aged witch could feel the presence of someone outside and made her way to the door of the school to allow an interviewer inside - for the very first time.

"I don't believe we need to hide any longer," the witch simply stated when asked why she'd chosen that particular time in the school's history to 'come out' about what used to be their own little secret. "There's no reason to feel ashamed. Or forgotten. Or lost or alone when you have a whole world waiting for you. People just like you, people who understand and want to help you grow in your powers and abilities - it's nothing to be scared of. It's a gift," the blonde witch assured anyone listening beyond that room. Cordelia whole-heartedly hoped she could reach hundreds of young girls who were in the predicament she found herself in years before.

Even though Cordelia never truly felt ashamed due to her witchcraft, her mother on the other hand, made her ashamed of herself. Cordelia always sold herself short and felt so small. Shipped off to school at a young age and so far away from home hurt the young witch. She never knew her father, but had only heard terrible things about him from her estranged mother. She wished that as a young witch she would've had a leader like herself. And that was her greatest accomplishment to date - taking care of, teaching and most importantly, protecting her girls.

It took a day or so, but Cordelia began to see the influx of young witches come to visit her at Miss Robichaux's. Some were certainly powerful young witches, some were just beginning to spread their wings, and some weren't witches at all. She managed to find the ones that belonged to her coven, assuring them that they would be loved, cherished, and protected.

On one particular day, Cordelia felt something deep inside her. Something gnawing at her heart a little bit, something she'd never really felt before. The witch felt a presence outside of the manor - one that held familiarity and curiosity. She stood, her heels clicking against the linoleum flooring as she got up from the kitchen table. Tap, tap, tap she went. Cordelia put her hand out and swiftly unlocked the door without a single touch. Her heart skipped a beat once she reached the door and opened it cautiously.

Adeline's breath caught in her throat when the older woman opened the door. She observed the woman for a moment—not long enough to seem creepy but long enough to take in her gestures. The blonde’s face was gentle and kind, her composure more proper than Adeline had ever seen in an adult. Adeline focused on her eyes—they had the same eyes.

When she was little and she dreamed about Cordelia, for a brief time she thought that maybe the woman in her dreams was her birth mother. When she saw her on TV, the thought crossed her mind for the first time in years. Now, standing before Cordelia, she questioned that. Maternal instincts were practically visibly radiating off of her; there was no way she'd give a kid up for adoption.

"Uh, hi I'm..." she debated for a second on lying about her name in case the woman called her social worker, but she wasn't great at lying on the spot. "My name is Adeline. I saw you on TV...and I think I might be a witch."

Cordelia couldn't shake the feeling of familiarity once she'd opened the door and set her eyes upon the girl on the other side. She knew she'd never met her before - right? She didn't look familiar..but somehow she felt familiar. She studied her for a few seconds, although it somehow felt like much longer.

Cordelia had always dreamt of being a mother. She always wished so badly that she could give a child the exact opposite that she'd had growing up. With her husband, she couldn't get pregnant and it broke her heart. She held so much resentment inside - but now she knew why. She needed to be there for her girls - and having a baby probably would've stifled her from doing so. It didn't mean that she didn't still have that urge every now and then, even though she truly did think of her girls as her own.

The witch studied her for a few seconds longer. "It's nice to meet you," she responded, her tone soft and caring, yet still a little cautious. "I'm Cordelia. Cordelia Goode, welcome to Miss Robichaux's." The witch felt inclined to shake the young girl's hand. She wanted to be polite and welcoming, but also yearned to know more about her.

Adeline felt her heart squeeze when she heard her voice. She'd heard that voice before...it was a very, very distant memory—it probably wasn't even real. She blinked a few times, trying to force the sense of deja vu to the back of her mind. Even if this woman wasn't her mother, she didn't think it would be fair to put the burden of caring for her on Cordelia. Adeline was damaged goods and she knew it. All she would do is self-destruct and bring down everything and everyone with her. That's what always happened. She looked back up at Cordelia; her fight or flight was starting to kick in.

"I-I'm sorry," she stuttered anxiously. "I think this was a mistake." Adeline turned to walk off the porch and down the stairs.

Cordelia studied the girl. She didn't really have judgment. She'd met so many young girls - so many young witches trying to figure out their place in the world and how this new part of them would play into their lives and their futures. She'd made mistakes herself - she had regrets. She certainly couldn't judge anyone else for what they'd done in the past.

The older witch took a step or two down once the younger witch tried to leave. "Why don't you come inside for something to drink? It's okay to be scared," she said, her tone coming across a little more gently. She understood that feeling. She understood it so well.

Adeline hesitated but nodded slightly, following the older woman into the house. She looked around with wide eyes upon entering the academy. Her eyes traced almost every inch of the room, almost in complete disbelief. "I've only ever seen places like this in movies..." she said quietly, scared that her voice would echo if she talked too loud.

The fact that the academy was as nice as it was only added to the inner conflict she'd been having. She pictured a real bed, with a mattress that was a thousand times softer than jail cot she was made to sleep on in the group home. She thought about the fact that their pillows probably all had pillowcases and the sheets weren't stained from all of the past foster children who occupied that bed at one point.

She felt like her body was playing tug of war—her heart was pulling her in one direction, which was toward Cordelia. Her mind, soul, and everything else that remembered that every parental figure or those who were supposed to act as such had either died, given her away, or abused her. Plus, she didn't know this woman. She knew there was a possibility that she misremembered her dream after seeing Cordelia on the news. Something about that felt wrong, though. "It's beautiful," she commented, looking around a little more.

Cordelia led the girl inside the manor, her heels clicking against the flooring again. "If you don't mind closing the door on your way in, I'd certainly appreciate it," she said politely, finally smiling a little.

Cordelia walked to the end table in the entry way and turned around briefly to lock the door. "It's spectacular, isn't it?" She had to admit, the manor was the most beautiful home she'd ever lived in - really the only place that she felt she could truly call home.

"I know I've already introduced myself but I'm Ms. Goode. You can call me Cordelia, all the girls do," she explained warmly. Something inside of her led her to the girl that had arrived outside of the school that day. She still couldn't quite place why. So she'd have to let it go for now.

"I'm Adeline... just Adeline," she half smiled, almost tempted to reach out and shake the woman's hand. This wasn't something she would normally do; Adeline wasn't proper by any means. She was basically a child of the streets. She didn't own a pair of jeans that weren't ripped, she skateboarded, and she rarely ever brushed her curly, blonde hair. That was another factor that deterred Adeline from the thought that the woman could be her mother. There was no way she came out of that. That would be a cruel joke for the universe to play on Cordelia. She noticed the entryway to the den area, the walls inside lined with portraits. "Could we go in there?" She asked quietly, curious about the pictures.

Cordelia knew that not everyone would be comfortable would touch and if Adeline didn't want to shake her hand then she wouldn't take it personally. "Of course," the older witch said rather quickly, being pulled away from her thoughts. Cordelia began to explain the portraits, speaking a little more slowly and carefully once she reached Myrtle's. "Myrtle Snow was one powerful witch - and so very nurturing, too. She took care of me. We were family," Cordelia stated simply, a soft twinkle in her eye.

Adeline looked at the picture of the older redhead and over to Cordelia, smiling softly. She looked back at the portrait, her heart sinking a little. "You seem to have really loved her," she spoke softly and carefully. Adeline always got a hint of jealousy when her friends would talk about their parents, but especially their mothers. Adeline had to go through everything by herself, when a mother's care and guidance would have eased some of that burden. She walked slowly looking at a few more pictures. In her peripheral vision, another portrait caught her eye. She turned, her eyes locking on the painting. She approached the painting, her heart starting to beat faster. She knew that face—she'd know it anywhere. "W-why is there a picture of Fiona in here?"

Cordelia nodded slowly, studying the picture of Myrtle - caught up in her own thoughts and feelings. "You could say that," she agreed, turning to face the girl again. Her smile faltered ever so slightly. Cordelia found herself caught off guard when she heard the younger woman's next words. She didn't think she'd introduced her to the portrait yet and she found it slightly peculiar that she'd bring up the topic of her late mother. Cordelia took a small breath and walked to face the portrait. It hadn't gotten easier for her. The burn she felt in her heart, the boiling hatred for the woman that caused her so much pain and heartache. "You're very smart. Fiona was our last Supreme. The previous Supreme."

"S-supreme?" She furrowed her eyebrows, turning her head to look at the older woman. Adeline's heart rhythm started beating more unevenly, a side effect of the heart condition she had after the car accident with her adoptive parents. "What's a Supreme?" Her voice was quiet, and she tired to keep it as composed as she could.

Cordelia had heard that question so many times before and smiled gently thinking about it. She never grew tired of explaining it. "The matriarch of our coven. An exceptional witch that can perform all of the Seven Wonders," she explained. "Have you ever heard of the Seven Wonders, Adeline?" Finally speaking the younger woman's name gave Cordelia a sense of deja vu. It felt more familiar to her than a name in a song or the name of an acquaintance.

Adeline zoned out a little after Cordelia explained what the Supreme was. She'd seen Fiona a multitude of times, but the difference between her and Cordelia—she'd seen her in person. Her breathing started becoming a little more erratic and her chest tightened. "I-I'm sorry. I can't—I need to leave." Adeline turned, sprinting from the parlor and out the front door. She thought she was home free, until she reached the gate. She pushed it with her palms, recoiling when she was met with a locked gate. "Shit!" She hissed, looking down at her hands. Blood trickled from a dozen small cuts from the thorns of whatever vine was wrapped around the gate.

Cordelia didn't know what was happening and before she could stop it it seemed to be too late. "Adeline - it's okay, what is upsetting you?" She asked, quickly following after the young witch. Her heels tapped rather quickly against the flooring and out the front door. She'd stopped in her tracks once Adeline had stopped and quickly noticed the blood on the younger woman's hands. "Let me help you, okay? I'll help you clean yourself up and you can go, if that's what you'd like to do," Cordelia assured her.

Adeline looked at Cordelia with tears in her eyes. She nodded slightly, but stayed silent. Her breathing was bordering on a panic attack, and she needed her hands clean so she could dig through her bag for her inhaler.

Cordelia took a deep breath, hoping she would mimic her breathing. She reached into her pocket, taking out a few clean tissues. She took the girl's hands in her own and couldn't have prepared herself for what she saw.

“Delia, let her go. It's time for her to go," Fiona spoke softly, almost sounding like she was actually comforting her daughter. Cordelia, after an hour of refusing and saying she changed her mind, loosened her grip on the baby. Fiona took her from Cordelia, who crumpled into Hank’s arms. Fiona put her thumb on the baby’s head, closing her eyes and whispering the spell over her. She handed the baby to the social worker before going back to her daughter. She waved her hand, and everything around her froze. She put her hand gently on Cordelia's head, a tear falling from Fiona's eye. She whispered the memory spell over Cordelia. She waved her hand through the air again, and everything around her was set back into motion. She stood next to her daughter’s bed with her arms crossed.

Cordelia gasped, stepping back abruptly. She suddenly felt like she couldn't catch her breath and suddenly remembered more than she had in years. She still couldn't piece it all together, but couldn't stop the shaking of her hands as she applied pressure to Adeline's wounds.

Adeline recoiled back, backing slowly away from Cordelia. She'd seen the same thing, albeit from a third person point of view. She was right. All of the thoughts about Cordelia being her birth mother. Her breathing was more strained, and she slipped into an asthma attack. She dropped down, opening her bag and digging frantically for her inhaler.

Cordelia knelt down beside Adeline. "How can I help you?" She asked, breaking her silence. She allowed her the room to get into her purse in case she had some kind of medicine to help her. She took the tissues back temporarily, making sure that she'd wiped the majority of the blood from the girl's hands.

Adeline shook her head as she pulled the inhaler from her bag. She shook it before putting it in her mouth. She took inhaled it a few times before she started feeling her airway open up. She was still breathing rapidly, but she didn't feel like she was on the verge of suffocating anymore. "I-I'm fine," she stuttered, tears falling from her eyes, breaking her obvious facade. "I'm sorry, I can't be here. I need to go." She stood up and threw her bag over her shoulder. "I'm sure you're great, but I..." her words were broken off by a strained sob.

Cordelia couldn't mask her confusion. She still didn't completely understand what she'd seen when she touched the newcomer's hands despite her sense of deja vu becoming more and more clear. "Is - is there anything I can do?" She asked, wishing she could help. "What can I do for you?"

"Explain what the fuck just happened," Adeline put her head in her hands, a thought popping into her mind. She pulled her bag around the front of her body and dug for her wallet. She opened it, pulling out a folded up picture and handing it to Cordelia.

She felt like she couldn't breathe - actually, she knew she couldn't. "I don't want to, I can't do it. I've changed my mind. Hank, we can do this," the young witch begged. "I don't want to do this," she said, tears threatening to leak down her cheeks. "I want my baby. I want my daughter."

"What are you thinking?" Adeline still felt the need to run. She could physically breathe, but her body felt like it couldn't.

The young witch's body shook violently with each sob before suddenly she didn't feel anything at all.

"Is this you, in this picture?" She finally asked, breaking from her trance. "I - I don't know how to explain this. I - my God," Cordelia breathed, still in utter shock.

"The only thing I knew about my birth parents was that they didn't want me," Adeline narrowed her eyes slightly, even though she knew full well it obviously wasn't Cordelia's fault. "Fiona started showing up after my adoptive parents died. Said she was my great aunt." She crossed her arms stubbornly. "That's all I know."

Cordelia's gaze softened. "I.." she didn't completely know what to say. She remembered some parts, but not nearly enough to tell Adeline what she wanted to hear. "Great aunt?" She asked, trying to make sense of it. Cordelia started to feel queasy and tried to swallow down the feeling.

"Yeah." Adeline responded softly, not sure what else to say. She was hurt, confused, angry. She didn't know how to handle her emotions and she knew she'd eventually lash out at Cordelia if she didn't calm down. She crossed her arm and shook her leg.

Cordelia knew she probably needed time to process all of the new information - or old information she'd been given. She wished so badly that she could talk to Myrtle about all of this - and maybe she could.. "I would like a little bit of time to process this and to think about it more," Cordelia finally chose to say, scared of pushing the hurt girl away.

Adeline furrowed her eyebrows and nodded slightly, putting her bag over her shoulder. She started toward the front door, stopping to look back at Cordelia. "It was nice to have met you." She half smiled before putting her hand on the knob. Adeline was so used to people giving her up and not wanting her that it normally wouldn't bother her. And although Cordelia didn't say she didn't want her, Adeline's trust issues were so severe she figured she may as well have. This stung more than it normally did, and tears welled up as she opened the door.

Cordelia could sense the girl's feelings and felt guilty for the way she'd reacted. "Do you have a phone number I can reach you at?" She finally asked, mere steps before she'd possibly never see the girl again.

Adeline smiled sadly and shook her head. "They don't let us have them in the group home. A lot of girls got into a lot of trouble before they'd go there. But...if it's meant to be, it will be I guess. I don't know what I expected from this, but this definitely wasn't it."

Cordelia’s heart sank in her chest. She really had no other choice. "Why don't you stay here tonight? We have spare rooms. Or if there's someone I could call?" She suggested.

Adeline shook her head. "No, it's okay. You need time...I understand that. Don't worry about me—I'll be alright."

Cordelia knew she couldn't make or force Adeline to stay. "Okay, will you come back?" She asked with hesitance.

Adeline chewed her lip for a second. "Do you want me to?"

Cordelia didn't hesitant in her answer. "Yes, of course," she said solemnly. She always kept her word.

Adeline smiled sadly, nodding a little. "I'll come back if you want me to come back... but don't feel obligated or anything. I've been though worse." She repressed the tears that burned the brims of her eyes as she turned the doorknob and exited the academy.

#cordelia goode #ahs coven #ahs apocalypse #sarah paulson #ahs #my ficx

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leahazel · 3 years

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More about my morally-grey heroines and their messed-up relationships

I wanted to elaborate on this post I wrote about D&F and BFS, but it turns out that adding readmore links to reblogs is a PITA, and I just now that this is gonna turn into a fucking novelette.

So here we go.

Time to go into some detail about this!

Let’s define our terms:

“Decline and Fall” is my 120K+ series of loosely chronological, interconnected short fics, set in a tiny fandom for a visual novel that’s been in alpha development since 2015. For the record, the word count disincludes unfinished drafts, and stories that I’m holding back because they’re based on canon spoilers.

“Blood from Stone“ is my 100K unfinished Skyrim WIP, which began as a response to a kink meme prompt, and is not so much a rarepair as a non-existent one.

Both of these stories centrally feature young female protagonists and their sexual relationship with a much older man. Both heroines are... “grey” to say the least.

Let’s compare our fandoms, shall we?

Skyrim is a juggernaut fandom for a super-popular RPG which is part of a 30-yo franchise. The setting is moderately dark and casually sprinkled with murder cults, cannibalism, secret police death squads, and the prison industrial complex. The player character can be a thief and a murderer and everyone just learns to be okay with it because the only alternative is a fiery apocalypse. They also rob graves for the lulz.

Seven Kingdoms: The Princess Problem is a pinkie-toe-sized fandom for a hybrid RPG and dating sim where attractive young people flirt and date for the purpose of brokering world peace. The setting is one where you can actually broker world peace effectively. The player character can perpetrate a fair amount of proxy violence, but maintaining a good reputation dishonestly is legitimately difficult.

Now, let’s compare our heroines:

Corinne is a 24-year-old bounty hunter who became a folk hero, a soldier, and a cult assassin. She’s living alone and working for a living since she was 18. She’s never been in love, but she’s had multiple sexual and romantic relationships in the past. I deliberately wrote her as being very sexually confident and self-assured. She also has combat training, magical training, her special Dragonborn powers, and an incalculable amount of social clout. By every metric, she’s a powerful character. Though she can talk her way out of a tight spot (all my favorite characters can), she can also fight her way out.

Verity is (at the beginning of D&F) not yet 18 years old. She’s a princess from a very conservative kingdom who was raised to become a barter bride in a diplomatic marriage. The values that were passed to her were duty, tradition, and absolute obedience. Her primary skills are social, charisma, eloquence, and persuasion. Then she was dropped into the deep water of a diplomatic summit and had the weight of future history put on her shoulders, without ever having been taught how to make her own decisions or live with her regret.

To sum up, we have one hyper-competent, confident, and independent badass, universally recognized as powerful and dangerous, and then we have someone who’s basically a deconstruction of a traditional fantasy princess.

Okay, what about the more specific setting within the game world?

BFS is set in Markarth, arguably the most corrupt city in Skyrim, and the site of a localized war, on top of the 2-3 other wars that Skyrim has going on. The city is controlled by the cartel-like Silver-Blood family, and their enemies are swiftly and brutally eliminated. The rule of law is a joke. When the player character arrives at Markarth, they witness a chain or murders and are drawn into a conspiracy that sees them sentenced to life in prison for a crime they didn’t commit. The ruling elite suppress the native underclass by a variety of inventive methods. The roads into the city are controlled by the remnants of a violent but failed uprising, and this uprising is actually the origin story of Skyrim’s entire civil war storyline.

D&F is set in Revaire, explicitly the most violently war-torn of the seven kingdoms. Once the epicenter of a conquering empire, it was a country full of arts and culture, until a bloody coup slaughtered the entire royal line and instituted a new and more brutal regime. The new regime is on shaky grounds and foresighted people predict its imminent fall to rebel forces. So much, so canon. In D&F, I made a point of developing the new royals and their small coterie of supporters, as well as illustrating their constant struggle to conceal how widely reviled they are by the populace, and most of the former nobility. Their apathy to the plight of the common people is underscored in contrast to Verity’s compassion, which is ridiculed as a sentimental feminine affectation.

I’m attracted to certain themes, as you might have noticed.

Now, we get to talk about love interests.

Thongvor Silver-Blood is rather anemically characterized in Skyrim’s canon, so much of the information that I include in BFS is inferred. From his limited number of dialogues in the game, we know that he’s politically ambitious, a Stormcloak supporter, easily angered, and that he has one legitimate friend in the city. Like most Skyrim characters of his age bracket, he served in the Great War. He’s defined by his relationship to his generational cohort. In BFS, he’s def8ined in contrast to his brother. Thonar is comfortable being thought of as a villain. Thongvor still needs to believe that he’s the good guy. And I’m gonna get more into that in later chapters, too.

As a love interest, he’s initially in awe of Corinne, and always genuinely adoring, but more than a little jealous and possessive. BFS is not a story about love redeeming bad men (don’t get me started), but Thongvor shows different sides of his personality to different people, and the side that Corinne gets to see is much nicer than what most people do.

Hyperion Asper is a character of my own devising, whose existence in 7KPP canon is purely implied. We know his children, Jarrod and Gisette, and we knew that he organized a coup to seize the throne. I posit him as a tyrant and unrepentant child-killer (not directly stated in D&F, at least not yet). He’s ruthless and manipulative and his sole purpose is maintaining a sense of personal power. I structured him as the bad example that Jarrod tries -- and fails -- to live up to.

As a love interest... look, he’s a man who’s cheating on his wife with his son’s wife. He seduces Verity and manipulates her, and takes a special delight in pushing her buttons. All his compliments to her are mean-spirited and back-handed. He’s also jealous and possessive... which is especially pathetic, since he’s jealous of his own son, whom Verity doesn’t even like. His rage is a constant implied undercurrent in the narrative.

And the relationship dynamics themselves?

Corinne kisses Thongvor, proposes marriage to him, and then sleeps with him before riding off into mortal danger. She’s fond and affectionate, but she shies away from intense emotions, whether negative or positive. Since they spend most of their time apart, their marriage has been defined by Thongvor yearning like a sailor’s wife, while Corinne ran around doing violence and crime. They only just had their first fight. It will change when they get to spend some more significant time together... but on the whole, their marriage is fairly happy, and the emotional dynamic favors Corinne -- so far. It’s not a pure gender reversal, but that element is definitely dominant.

Hyperion starts seducing Verity on their very first meeting, and relies on a combination of magnetic attraction and Verity’s inexperience in life to keep her coming back, against her better judgment. Their relationship is mutually defined by a combination of attraction and resentment of that attraction. The danger of the situation is an essential element, to the point where it’s hard to imagine their affair would survive without it. It’s a puzzle and a battle, a source of fascination but not of comfort. There’s lust involved, and curiosity, but not a shred of love or even like. The closest thing to genuine affection is when Verity briefly imagines that there could be a version of Hyperion she actually liked, cobbled from his various, hidden good qualities. Any trappings of a genuine relationship are deliberately discordant.

I have tried, more than once, to imagine an alternate universe in which these two could be happy. It can’t be done. they are a study in dysfunction.

So where’s the similarity, with all these differences outlined?

Corinne’s choice to marry into the Silver-Blood family makes her complicit in their rule of the Reach, corrupt and reactionary as it is. Her reluctance to accept being called by their name reflects a reluctance to confront unpleasant truths that’s fundamental to her character. Choosing to be one of them affects and will continue to affect how other people see her, mostly negatively, and mostly without her being aware of it. Being Thongvor’s wife has gained her enemies. The fact that she doesn’t share his more reactionary views is something that they’ve both chosen to elegantly ignore, but the rest of the world won’t be so generous.

Verity’s choice to marry into the Revaire royal family makes her complicit in their violence against the forces rebelling against them, albeit in a more subtle way. Her personal dislike of Jarrod and the fact that their marriage was purely political will not absolve her in anyone’s eyes. Neither will her compassionate and charitable character, which can only be seen as a fig leaf to the Revaire royals’ general brutality. She has lost at least one good friend -- who will never see her the same way, since she chose to throw her lot in with his enemies. She will go down in history as an Asper wife -- but if she’s lucky, not just as that.

Both Corinne and Verity choose to accept some of the violence of the system that they live under, in order to serve their own lofty, long-term goals. Both of them are more image-driven than they care to admit, and though they are genuinely caring and compassionate, they will readily sacrifice compassion in service on their goals. They are queens (or queen-like figures), one-degree-of-separation members of the ruling class, implicated but not directly in control.

And their relationships serve to highlight what they are willing to accept, even though it goes against their conscience.

Is there a conclusion to be drawn here?

Sort of. I want to write about power, compromise and complicity. For whatever reason, it turns out that yw/om relationships are... a really good vehicle for exploring that. I can’t really explain why that is, just yet. I just... have had these thoughts floating, unstructured, in my head for months on end. I needed to get them out on paper, and give them some semblance of order.

I don’t even know why anyone but me would read this, as long and meandering as it is. But having it accessible might be of use to me.

#blood from stone #decline and fall #train wreck verity #i don't know why anyone would read this #it's nearly 2k words #and it has no real conclusion #hazel's d&f/bfs meta spiel

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redantsunderneath · 4 years

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I’ve Never Seen David Lynch and George Lucas in the Same Room at the Same Time…

The thematic parallels between David Lynch and George Lucas are something I keep coming back to again and again, but their careers and evolution have a lot of overlap too. They were born in the earliest Boomer cohort (George Lucas in May 1944, David Lynch January 1946) and had experiences growing up that were colored by the idyllic 1950s, but shifted into a distrust of authority structures that was common for many of their age cohort in the 1960s. They both came of age wanting to do something physical with her hands that felt creative to them in large grimy spaces - fixing cars for Lucas, and painting and installations with a fascination with organic materials, industrial metal, and rot for Lynch. They both fell into film because they were looking for something that satisfied their artistic bent (although film was never a primary aspect of her life to that point). They wound up making a handful of short films over a 3 year period, culminating in a longer short-film that would eventually get them noticed at roughly the same age (Electric Labyrinth THX 1138 4EB [1967] and the Grandmother [1970] for Lynch).

These films netted both of them a patron (Francis Ford Coppola for Lucas, the American Film Institute for Lynch) and started filming their first feature-length film two years after those films. They both got their biggest name recognition bump by films released in 1977 and pulled away from the power of the studio system in roughly 1984. Famously, Lucas offered Lynch a chance to direct what would become Return of the Jedi in about 1981 ( I prefer the story where Lucas does this by picking him up in a Lamborghini - I’ve heard a phone call version too, but it’s not as perfect) and Lynch answered something like “it’s your movie George, you direct it.” They both spent the mid 80s in movie jail, and although they took very different paths in general after (I’ve been emphasizing the similarities) there are still things that jibe in the history - they both reminded people of what they liked about them with a late 80s movie, spent a lot of the 90s on TV projects, did one project around classic radio, returned to theatrical notice around the millennium, all the while generally keeping their own council and disappointing a lot of fans.

There’s obviously a world of difference. Lucas is a left brained technologist who equated freedom with an owning of the means of production. Lynch is it right brained impressionist seeing freedom-as no one ever being able to tell you what to do, acting as a solo artist with collaborators who merge with his sensibilities. Lynch is a production lone wolf, depending mostly on people believing in him and funding him, and losing out in the popular consciousness by making uncompromising art that may not be what the audience wants, meaning funding is sometimes hard to come by. Lucas is like the Democratic party controlling the Congress and presidency - having total power but unable to turn that into what he really wants to make, somehow. The idea of Lynch selling his body of work to Disney is absurd.

But the correspondences in this are telling and help to explain the thematic similarities and divergences. Plus, the differences often relate to the similarities - Lucas identifies with corrupted controlling paternalistic power as a horror of inevitable capture of the individual by larger structures, while Lynch sees the corrupted masculine influence as an archetype, the call coming from inside the house, agency coopted by a collective taint in the universal pattern . But on some level these are the same thing - what is this person I am capable of becoming seeing as I am in control but yet not, doing horrific things? Lucas’ constant commentary on slavery is about hegemony and a systemic oppression he is complicit in, while Lynch has whole pantheons of beings that turn people into vessels that oblate the self and make them act on subconscious programming. Neither probably think the word neoliberalism too much but tend to communicate similar things about it is almost diametrically opposed ways.

The thematic similarities are rooted in a few areas that unpack in to a variety of subspaces which overlap – patriarchal structures as psychoanalytic dynamics (more Freudian father fixation for Lucas, Jung for Lynch), boomer generational failure as socio-first-but-economics-ultimately, the artist as in struggle with larger forces (largely of the self), and an eastern religious metaphysics that is American Christian in flavor. The major line of difference running through this is gender/sex/desire, Lynch being on main with a lot of spiritual overtones of sin, guilt, and “the fall” and Lucas finding this kind of guilt and sin as a secondary phenomenon that is mostly actively suppressed and unconvincing when it shows up; yet both wind up often finding physical consummation at direct odds with art in a gendered creation way (that also links Eraserhead to Age of Ultron and the original Frankenstein). Try doing a psychosexual reading of Howard the Duck sometime.

Lucas’ developmental through line is this: dude in love with 50’s culture but informed by 60s counterculture makes a movie where the young granola-ish revolutionaries win against the fascists in an effort to rewrite society but, having secured rights for “independent spirit” reasons now finds himself in control of something huge and immediately starts making art about boomer men becoming their controlling fathers and then moves on to movies where powerless freaks are the real focus. After a creatively fallow period, he comes back to make a sequel/prequel trilogy that is one of the most misunderstood complicated statements about people becoming what they hate as an eternal cycle at the level of the personal, the societal, the political, the spiritual, the artistic, you name it!

Lynch’s developmental through line is this: dude in love with 50’s culture but informed by 60s outsider/art counterculture makes a movie where the young artist struggles with the idea of a regular life, initiated by fatherhood, which attempts to destroy the artistic spark, after which he enters the Hollywood system and makes an artist as freak movie and a movie about plucky rebels conquering space authoritarianism (that the future of is books about that ending in messianic authoritarianism) and then disavows that system. He then proceeds to make art about subject and object as a supremely gendered thing, in a land that has fallen from grace, moving inexorably towards the idea of eternal cycle at the level of the personal, the societal, the political, the spiritual, you name it!

They both have an idea of the father-artist identified with the abject oppressed, under siege as figure, resentful from being kept from creation, over a career realizing that their “self” is the horrific villain of their own story. For Lynch, this is psychosexual, then spiritual, with a resisted toxic masculine urge to control and overwhelm, often in a violent way. It is the artist’s own urges that get in the way of making art, of desiring in the universe that has an unbalanced power structure from some far off echoes of an original symmetry breaking inherent to the archetypal gender dynamic. For Lucas, it is the realization that the artist in control has a tendency to become the controlling dad and sexual relations are inherently problematic in a political and spiritual way. Real art seems impossible if the artist has control, identifying with the downtrodden is a bit of a lie, happy endings can’t happen not because of the happiness bit because of the ending bit. For both, there is a fundamental flaw in the cycle, which is patriarchal in nature, but Lynch just approaches this much hornier.

The boomer part probably requires the most discussion, but the TLDR is that they are both are crawling out, through Vietnam, from the 50s social order, and grappling with how badly the 60s idealism failed. Lucas does this in the prequels as a big canvas critique of how the social revolution was co-opted by the generation not being able to see its own flaws, of not seeing the system taking over again, an Empire calling itself a Republic. An inability to look in the mirror and really see. The wisest oldest hippie is the only one who sees what’s happening, but is powerless as his apprentices are inevitably spit out, and the next generation has to be raised not by a skeptic but a true believer in “liberal” “democracy” (cynic quotes theirs).

Lynch is interesting here in that he most directly addresses this only in Twin Peaks, but we see more naked reflections, divorced of contemporary politics, in his other works. In Twin Peaks, Ben Horn is the Palpatine figure, who winds up a sweet old man buying off the harm his life’s work and progeny have produced while ignoring the poor and next generation personally. Jacoby the neutered, fried Yoda that eventually slides into Alex Jones territory (the canonical Boomer ethos in a nutshell – “what me” neoliberalism and change the world ideology going crackpot). All of Twin Peaks except for Fire Walk with Me is directly socioeconomically generational (Bobby Briggs becomes a young Republican in season 2, the mill, the trailer park), but the other works are full of class issues informed by Lynch’s age. From Blue Velvet’s suburban kid exploring his darker side by going to the poor part of town through a career of classist low-life encoding (Bob is a denim jacket wearing homeless person, all the covered in grime by the dumpster/trailer park characters, Ronette as the factory floor version of Laura, etc), culminating in Inland Empire and Twin Peaks the Return chronicling the fall of man as partially an (generationally specific in TP) economic fall into a unequal class defined world of needing an opening and leaving the house to labor as where evil is born. TP OS is about how boomers turned out just as bad, the Return is about how we inhabit the world of their ideological blindness.

All filmmakers seem to, at least to a certain degree, bring the question of creation of art directly into their work via distant or close metaphor. In Eraserhead and Elephant Man, Lynch values the spark of art which the downtrodden protagonist is trying not to lose. In Dune, the visionary with a big project that seeks to upend the system (but that we know eventually become something even worse) is a project that fell apart due to studio interference. Blue velvet is about the act of watching awakening something uncomfortable in us that is incompatible with normie life (it wouldn’t be weird to say it was about porn). Twin Peaks is about television, FWWM about movies, and all at least partially about closure being a death act in art. Lost Highway is about the artist tortured by desire, Mulholland Drive about desire being central to be eaten alive by the Hollywood system. Inland Empire is about filmmaking as a way into understanding the world on a deeper level (as is its unofficial sequel Inception) to cure its ills. All of this is art’s struggle against power, with an element of the major powers being subconscious forces that control us leading to desires that ablate the artistic impulse.

Lucas' projects have over time been about a young upstart independent filmmaker, losing his soul by becoming successful, and becoming the system, man. He then tries desperately to identify as really not the one in charge, until he admits to what he has become. He consistently dips back into filmmaking as an adventure or a good fight, but he has to set these in a time period before his birth. As in Lynch, having a child is equated with not being able to fulfill the kind of artistic destiny, but Lucas goes further in equating it to an excuse for why the powerful artist goes bad and needs redemption. He had a naïve or-is-it canny motif focused on the short inhuman outsider, often related to music or primitive settings (often with wooden cages) as a recurring thing for a while. These characters are often wise, or at least no filter tell-it, and are similar to the Elephant Man. This is a trope, sure, the wise different wavelength other, but there is also an identification of the artist at knowing and right yet impotent and a clue to the author’s metaphysical system.

Lynch is the mainline protestant in upbringing and very much influenced by a kind of proto-eastern religion (you can just say the Vedas for shorthand). Lucas is not very religious, but was brought up Christian, influenced by Christian symbolism and became interested in world religion as narrative via figures like Joseph Campbell. Hence, they both gravitate towards some kind of Gnostic Proto Christian, So-Cal zen, Thomas Aquinas “gets” Plato kind of amalgam, which informs their work. Lynch has veered towards an eternal cycle framework, and the very physics compatible idea of something in the past breaking and causing consciousness/suffering, through which we can achieve joy as a counter only through letting go of the self, and the recurrence of ruptures on all scales demonstrating a fractal pattern of hurt and redemption. Lucas also sees a big cycle, but it is one more of human existence as narrative that has a tendency to return, with a little bit of Nietzsche and movie eastern spirituality thrown in. Both believe in a recurring pattern that plays itself out in a way that is terrible, but hopeful, as the struggle is where hope derives from. Both have inherently Christian ideas and symbols in their work but lean back on non-Christian ideas that the Christian ideas have a history with. Lynch has his virgin Mary as the real Christ figure female angels that show up, while Lucas has turnt space Jesus.

Suffice it to say that the tree trial scene in the Empire Strikes Back and the lodge sequences in Twin Peaks are a very good place to start looking for how the two auteurs meet. Compare Anakin/Luke Skywalker to Mr C, look at the 90s turn they both made, register their seeing the “sleeper must awaken” of fiction being terribly fraught, compare the force vs. the universal field, the way their relationship status and partners carve their work into eras, and their continued existence as mainstream experimental filmmakers.

#george lucas #david lynch

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swordoforion · 3 years

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Orion Digest No. 4 - End of an Era

The 20th century stands as a landmark in history for the end of a historical era, and the dawn of the current age, tumultuous as it may be. Entering it, the technological innovations of the Industrial Revolution had reached into the field of military might, philosophy reacted to the approaching storm with either a gloom of nihilism or a unfettered hope for the future. Tensions between nations and a sense of inevitable war on the horizon lined up the dominoes for what would become known first as the 'Great War', and later as merely the first chapter in a century of horrors...

World War I was a dangerous mixture of the classical outlook on warfare and more modern technology and tactics, which taught us that war is no longer a glorious affair for the pride of one's nation (not to say that it ever was, but it certainly used to be seen that way, in the past). People didn't always go looking for trouble, but war didn't often carry the same emotional trauma and devastation as WW1 did, consisting of civilities and grand gestures on the battlefield, with forward marches and drummers and firing volleys. WW1 stuck soldiers in a dirty, terrifying, and never ending stalemate over small strips of land for months at a time.

The nations that went into the war, used to what war had been for centuries, were unprepared for the brutality with which this war would be fought, with many of the new inventions being relatively unused on the battlefield, but they would emerge sobered by the experience, understanding at least partially that war had changed. Where the war before had been a set of wary alliances with a general focus on nationalist pride, the governments that came out of the conflict realized that such a conflict could not be allowed to devastate the fields of Europe once more, and Western nations sought some unity out of the chaos, and thus was born the first iteration of what we know today as the United Nations - the League of Nations.

An immediate issue with the League was the debate over how the aftermath of the war should be handled, and the decisions its members made ended up leading to the very next war that would rock the world once more. In addition to questionable changes in Eastern European territories that led to turmoil over cultural differences, the blame for the war was pinned on Germany, and the responsibility of reparations fell to it as well. While Germany certainly had a large hand to play in the events of the war, whether or not the citizens as opposed to the former leadership were at fault was questionable, but they were saddled with the burden regardless, leaving a taste of bitter resentment that lingered for decades.

Later failures of the League of Nations would showcase a different problem - a lack of sufficient action on their part to curb the tide of tension and war that led to the second great conflict of the 20th century. After WW1 ended, nations began to turn away from each other again, scarred but not quite learning from their previous mistakes, and nowhere was this separation more evident than with the Red Scare. Russian revolutionaries, dissatisfied with their autocratic government and following altered principles of Marx and Engels, overthrew the Tsar in a civil war in order to establish a socialist government in their country. This new and unorthodox ideology, combined with the bloody revolution used to establish it, caused paranoia in some Western nations, which would last well into the end of the century.

Meanwhile, as economic recession spread across the world in the decade preceding the Second World War, Germany's bitterness and desperate situation met with an unfortunate leader - Adolf Hitler, who rose to the position of Chancellor and became known and feared for his fanatical and anti-Semitic ideals, implemented a state of fascist rule in Germany.

Both the socialism of Soviet Russia and the fascism of Germany would become alternative ideologies to more moderate forms of government seen previously, and even long after the fall of each of their respective pioneers, branches of both have split off and taken root across the world, as people explore the potential of both as a system of government and even take inspiration, for better or worse. I will say personally, I support a form of democratic socialism for reasons I will discuss in good time, but fascism proves too oppressive and terrifying an ideology for me to touch.

In simple terms, fascism is a state dominated political ideology that believes in power from a single party, often a dictator (as was the case with Hitler) that highly regulates society and oppresses dissenting opinion. Crushing any opposition and maintaining a tight grip on every aspect of society coupled with a highly expansionist military campaign to lead to a terrifying image that left a scar on the world. To this day, we still are reminded of the terrifying image of Nazis storming across Europe, conquering nation after nation and subjecting them to absolute rule. It's no surprise that movements claiming to be their successors haven't seen much success or support.

On the other hand, much more arguable is the Soviet Union, the nation that became of the Russian Revolution. The Soviets also used a more authoritarian form of government that planned out the economy, but while the quality of life and social freedoms could differ from ruler to ruler, the idea in mind at the beginning was to create a nation where people were economically equal, and the economy was kept balanced by being state-run rather than a potentially privatized set of monopolies.

Soviet theory involved spreading the economic system to other nations, to free their workers from capitalist dominance. Not only would this provide them allies more sympathetic to wide-scale policy, but in their eyes, it would prevent economic inequality and abuses of workers' rights - a growing network of nations for the people that could work together. To this day, many parties try to takeaway lessons from the Soviet Union's example (with degrees of variation) and several nations did end up transferring to a socialist system (if only briefly).

When it came time to fight a second war, the League of Nations found itself unsure about how to handle the growing threat of Germany, with most members afraid to start another large-scale war while Hitler moved slowly into Europe, and the U.S. wanting to distance itself from international affairs. This hesitation resulted in mainland Europe being lost to the Nazis and their allies, and it would only take a direct attack for the U.S. to finally get involved. The lessons that WW1 taught had to be relearned due to the lack of effort on the part of the League of Nations. After the first war, they thought that the world could go back to normal, but WW2 served as another reminder that the world had changed.

And it would change even more with the end of WW2, as unearthly destruction was revealed with the first usage of the atomic bomb, millions were dead as a result of even more destructive technologies and brutal campaigns of war, the nations of the world were thrown even more out of balance than last time, and the divergent ideologies put the jumbled world at odds with each other. Such is the era we live in now - the post-WW2 era has seen the state of the world churn and change in many ways, but the all-out war seen in Europe and the Pacific has never been replicated due to the elephant in the room - the fact that the last war ended with potentially world ending technology.

The post-WW2 era, however, is coming to its own end, as the fragile sense of structure that has been pushed closer and closer to the brink by surveillance, small interference based wars, terrorism, and descent into corruption is reaching it's collapse. Not the end of the world, mind you, but certainly a build up to the end of the general post-WW2 era that has defined our world, and I believe that one organization, which I will explore next time, is key to understanding this era - the United Nations.

- DKTC FL

#world war 2 #world war ii #league of nations #history #surveillance #united nations #orion #sword of orion #orion digest #hitler #fascism #20th century #political #politics #political essay #essay #soviet union

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tempusinfinituum · 3 years

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Sacrifice: the Rise of Adeline Goode

co-written with @sc-rp

II. GUIDED BY A BEATING HEART

"There is a home and a family waiting for you."

Adeline cross legged on her fire escape, facing her bedroom window. She was leaned forward so she could get a somewhat clear view of the small box TV that sat on her dresser. Her eyes were fixated on the staticky screen. She'd seen that woman before. She'd seen her more times than she could count—but always when she was asleep.

Adeline knew she was different at a young age. She could do things her foster siblings couldn't—and when you were a child of the system, what made you different made you a target. It wasn't until the summer she turned 13 that she met a young girl who claimed to be a witch. The girl shared a lot of similarities with Adeline, including things they could do like telekinesis or lighting a flame with their mind. Adeline had a constant sense of calm the few times the witch visited her.

They met her first day in the group home. Adeline was having a hard time adjusting, especially after the incidences of her last foster home. She was sitting by a small brook, leaning back against a tree when she heard someone humming. The song was familiar; Adeline's subconscious recognized the melody and she caught herself humming along. The older witch was startled, not having seen the petite blonde curled up on the ground. The two of them started talking, and before long Adeline was having to rush home to try to make it there before curfew. It was at their second meeting that the girl admitted to being a witch, telling her that's what lead her to Adeline. "I could sense you were one of my tribe," the girl would say anytime they spoke about their first meeting. She taught Adeline what she knew—which wasn't much as far as structure goes—when it came to magic. In exchange, at the older woman's request, Adeline would read to her every day for an hour after school.

—

Adeline's breath caught in her throat when the older woman opened the door. She observed the woman for a moment—not long enough to seem creepy but long enough to take in her gestures. The blondes face was gentle and kind, her composure more proper than Adeline had ever seen in an adult. Adeline focused on her eyes—they had the same eyes.

Adeline felt her heart squeeze when she heard her voice. She'd heard that voice before...it was a very, very distant memory—it probably wasn't even real. She blinked a few times, trying to force the sense of Deja Vu to the back of her mind. Even if this woman wasn't her mother, she didn't think it would be fair to put the burden of caring for her Cordelia. Adeline was damages goods and she knew it. All she would do iis self destruct and bring down everything and everyone with her. That's what always happened. She looked back up at Cordelia; her fight or flight was starting to kick in.

"I-I'm sorry," she stuttered anxiously. "I think this was a mistake." Adeline turned to walk off the porch and down the stairs.

“Delia, let her go. It's time for her to go," Fiona spoke softly, almost sounding like she was actually comforting daughter. Cordelia, after an hour of refusing and saying she changed her mind, loosened her grip on the baby. Fiona took her from Cordelia, who crumpled into Hanks arms. Fiona put her thumb on the babies head, closing her eyes and whispering the spell over her. She handed the baby to the social worker before going back to her daughter. She waved her hand, and everything around her froze. She put her hand gently on Cordelia's head, a tear falling from Fiona's eye. She whispered the memory spell over Cordelia. She waved her hand through the air again, and everything around her was set back into motion. She stood next to her daughters bed with her arms crossed.

Adeline recoiled back, backing slowly away from Cordelia. She'd seen the same thing, albeit from a 3rd person point of view. She was right. All of the thoughts about Cordelia being her birth mother. Her breathing was more strained, and she slipped into an asthma attack. She dropped down, opening her bag and digging frantically for her inhaler.

Cordelia took the picture, her hands beginning to shake as she looked at it. The Supreme closed her eyes for a brief moment, taking a second to feel the energy around the photo. Details came back to her like pieces of a puzzle, all connecting together. She felt like she couldn't breathe - actually, she knew she couldn't. "I don't want to, I can't do it. I've changed my mind. Hank, we can do this," the young witch begged. "I don't want to do this," she said, tears threatening to leak down her cheeks. "I want my baby. I want my daughter."

"What are you thinking?" Adeline still felt the need to run. She could physically breathe, but her body felt like it couldn't.

The young witch's body shook violently with each sob before suddenly she didn't feel anything at all. "Is this you, in this picture?" She finally asked, breaking from her trance. "I - I don't know how to explain this. I - my God," Cordelia breathed, still in utter shock.

Cordelia knew she probably needed time to process all of the new information - or old information she'd been given. She wished so badly that she could talk to Myrtle about all of this, and maybe she could after all. "I would like a little bit of time to process this and to think about it more," Cordelia finally chose to say, scared of pushing the hurt girl away.

Cordelia heart sank in her chest. She really had no other choice. "Why don't you stay here tonight? We have spare rooms. Or if there's someone I could call?" She suggested.

Adeline shook her head. "No, it's okay. You need time...I understand that. Don't worry about me—I'll be alright."

Cordelia knew she couldn't make or force Adeline to stay. "Okay, will you come back?" She asked with hesitance.

Adeline chewed her lip for a second. "Do you want me to?"

Cordelia didn't hesitant in her answer. "Yes, of course," she said solemnly. She always kept her word.

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ambitionsource · 4 years

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First question: do you have more details on the family lives and back stories of the techies that you could tell us (or we will see)?

i can definitely talk about my fave crew of misfits! i’ll say i don’t think we’ll see much more detail about any of these family dynamics during ep runtimes, just because there’s already so much we’re trying to fit in and not enough time in the world (even tho yes we technically make the rules and can do whatever lol, but es and i do try to adhere to as realistic a tv structure as possible! it feels tighter structured that way)

so quickly i’ll just address dylan and asher, who are not as much mysteries as the other four techie tots just bc we’ve spent a little more time with them. i’m going to be exploring and introducing more of their family and those dynamics throughout the course of the dasher fic, so hopefully after a while they’ll feel as familiar as the rest of the front nine does in terms of their home lives. the short version is that asher is part of a nuclear family and is relatively well-off (they live comfortably, let’s say, given that his dad is an architect and his mom a tenured professor), and he gets along well with his sister lily. dylan lives with his dad and younger brother grant, and his mom passed away from cancer when he was about 6 - 7. his brother has resentment / a bit of a rivalry towards him that is pretty one-sided, but they do get along all things considered. dylan is very close with his dad. their family is firmly middle class and this doesn’t change until dylan starts bringing in substantial youtube coin at the end of high school.

jade is upper middle class and takes pride i think in leading a relatively average, calm life. she was raised by both parents, who are still together, and have a pretty stable marriage although they’re not the most romantic duo. this is where jade gets a lot of her realism from, not as prone towards romanticism or dreaminess even though she does like romance and would like to experience it one day (and can’t help but romanticize nigel). she is a middle child, with one older brother (ethan, 2 years older) and two younger brothers, jacob (3 years younder) and cody (6 years younger). this is part of why she is able to deal with the techie boys so well. overall she gets along very well with her family, and she’s lucky that her parents are highly supportive of her ambitions. her mother in particular loves her talents, because she’ll often make clothing items for her as gifts and then she can tell her friends when they ask about it that it’s “a one of a kind.” they’re definitely proud of her!

nate, as previously discussed, is low income. he lives with both parents but hardly sees his dad because he’s always out late working and exhausted when he gets home. he has two younger siblings, who he has a good relationship with but can often get sick of because of how often he’s asked to help babysit + entertain them when he’s a teenage boy and just wants to be doing whatever on his own time. so he’ll grumble a lot about his family, but he really does love them at the end of the day (despite mixed feelings about his dad, even though he knows how much he has to work isn’t his fault). because of having less disposable income, nate is the most money conscious of the techies for reasons other than being obsessive by nature (like asher). he in some ways thinks of himself as a hack in the aaa system (sort of like lucas, although not at all the same), because although he did have lots of interest in audio mixing and sound design and applied because of that, a major part of him applied to aaa just to see if he could get in and on scholarship. he never thought he actually would get in. although he’d never admit it, being admitted to aaa and meeting the techies was a very grounding and confidence-boosting moment in his life and helped put him on the right path for the future.

jeff is the second most secure financially of the techies after asher, though not too far ahead of jade. he is the youngest of three children, both already in college, though during S1 his sister was a senior at quincy high. his parents are arguably the most stable and truly romantic of all the techie parental units, giving him a realistic yet optimistic understanding of what a relationship is supposed to look like. his father has shares in a local community theater in brooklyn, and he’s highly involved in it, so jeff has been growing up around that world since he was a toddler. his siblings both had stints as actors in the local productions, and while jeff was never personally interested in performing, he loved hanging around the sets and observing the technicians. he started shadowing in the technician’s booth in middle school for extra credit + community service, but his mom noticed he had a real interest and knack for it, so it was her idea to research arts school and put him on track towards aaa. jeff is also the techie who has the best balance between aaa life and his former friends and community, as his main friend group is still predominantly his middle school friends which allows him a healthy detachment and outlet from the chaos of aaa that’s always ongoing.

dave, even to the rest of the techies, is a bit of a mystery. not in a purposeful way, like lucas, but simply because that’s how he is. he’s about dylan’s level of income, living with his mother in a cozy apartment in brooklyn. his parents are divorced, as they split when he was in elementary school, but the dynamic is amicable. his father was the more wealthy of the two, and his child support payments are what really keep the two of them afloat, but it never occurs to dave to grow bitter thinking about how he could give them more (as the other techies might be inclined to do). as far as dave is concerned, it is what it is. he spends weekends / vacations often with his dad in massachusetts where he now is settled down. although his home is far from the most lavish or exciting locale, the techie tots will hang out at his place relatively frequently, second to the orlandos as the go-to hangout spot. this is because there’s a den room that they can basically take over, and dave’s mom is usually home late because of work so they can kind of take run of the place. dave’s den is also the place the group of them will go if they wanna take some risks, like smoke weed now and then. although dave’s mom is still sort of distant from the group of them (not an agreed upon Group Dad, like randall orlando), she’s friendly with all of them and is always welcome to seeing them around when she comes home. dave’s presence at aaa is as much of a mystery as anything else -- he’s a great guitar player, and has always had a penchant for building and piecing things together, but no one can get a clear read on why he decided to apply to aaa, or what his application was like, or what he’s hoping to get out of the place. as dave once said, “sometimes, you just gotta go with it.”

-- Maggie

#i love them... i fully adore them #techie crew #nate martinez #dave williams #jeff monroe #jade beamon #ambition quarantine 2020 #lorelaisrorys #answered

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random-thought-depository · 4 years

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The Star Trek TOS episode For the World Is Hollow and I Have Touched the Sky was on TV last night. I’ve watched a lot of Star Trek episodes but I never got around to watching this one before. I’d heard about it and I thought it sounded interesting; “what would society look like on a generation ship 10,000 years into its voyage?” is the sort of question that some really interesting science fiction could be written in response to.

I think if I was writing it Yonada wouldn’t have had a fake sky for its interior habitat - it would be much more efficient to build it as a Rama cylinder! Why waste half of the habitat’s interior surface on a fake sky when you could built it as a Rama cylinder? It’d fit with the idea that Yonada was built with relatively primitive technology (fission power, meteorite deflection system that uses chemical rocket missiles); you’d need indistinguishable-from-magic artificial gravity technology to build the cave-with-fake-sky version of Yonada, but a Rama habitat could use centrifugal gravity. The beautifully poetic title would need a different context, but it could still work; in a Rama habitat you touch the sky every time you walk on the ground. And I think a Rama cylinder habitat would be more imaginative as science fiction; it’s a more exotic environment, it’d be more visually interesting, and I think the idea of a small and visibly closed world would have fit into the themes of the episode in an interesting way.

In the episode the people inside Yonada didn't realize their world was a spacecraft and they thought their habitat was part of a bigger world, but I think it’s more likely that a culture on a 10,000 year old generation ship would have just kind of … forgotten that the rest of the universe existed. I think a Rama habitat would fit well into that:

You look into the sky and you don’t see a sun or a moon or stars; you don’t see vast space. You look into the sky and you see the other side of the world - and it’s a small world, so the other side of the world is familiar to you. You look into the sky and you see a city you may have visited and have certainly heard of, you see farmland and you know you have a cousin who’s working somewhere up there right now, you see a big artificial lake and you remember that last weekend you went there to go to the beach. At night you see things that look kind of like stars, but they’re really city lights and you can trace the lines of urban areas and highways and railways. There is no sun, there’s a series of obviously artificial luminaires spaced along a structure at the center of the cylinder. You can see that the world is an enclosed space, and you can see its limits. All around this bubble of air and light there is stone, and below the stone there is vacuum. This is the whole world (the world is hollow, and you touch the sky every time you tread on the earth). This has been the whole world for 10,000 years, three hundred generations, a span of time that could contain all of Earth’s recorded history twice over. People occasionally go out into the vacuum (to tend the sensors and heat radiators and engines) and see the stars, and your culture has stories about a past world that was destroyed, about how your ancestors hollowed out a giant stone and built your present world out of it and how your present world is a really a vehicle that’s taking your people to a future world, but after 10,000 years how different is that from

“In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.” - Genesis 1 (King James Bible).

And

"Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth. The first heaven and the first earth had disappeared, and there was no sea anymore. And I saw the holy city, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God.” - Revelations 21 (NCV Bible).

Your people faithfully tend the engines that (aside from a three minute test fire every few years) last fired in your creation myth, and you are maintaining them so they will work when the time comes to fulfill your apocalypse myth. I can see why the builders of Yonada thought it was necessary to include a living god that could actually smite heretics!

Do the Yonadans need to maintain the machinery of their world-ship? Or is everything automated and Ragnarok-proofed with the humans just passive passengers (and the strict social control being mostly about making sure the passengers don’t accidentally break the plumbing)? The episode makes them seem like primitives and makes me think the latter, but I think the former would be more interesting. It’d fit with the idea of a small and visibly bounded world - not just small, but obviously artificial and needing human tending. There are control rooms where your people monitor and control the huge ancient nuclear reactors that power your world’s equivalent of the sun, etc.. I think this would tend to create a vision of nature and humanity’s role in the universe very different from ours (these people would have only the dimmest cultural memory of such things as true untended forests; their closest equivalents would be carefully tended nature parks and tree plantations; they would know only the walled garden and the vacuum).

Part of what I’m getting at is... Imagine what first contact with aliens would be like. Now imagine that, but your entire world is, say, about the size of the San Francisco Bay Area, it’s too small and interconnected for there to be much regional cultural diversity, it’s been that way for ten millennia, your society has only the dimmest cultural memory of anything else, basically in your world there are no foreigners and there is only the dimmest cultural memory of such a thing as a foreigner. There’d probably be different subcultures and classes which would offer some precedent, but still... (also I expect a society like Yonada would probably be relatively egalitarian; inequality creates resentment creates instability, so the original mission planners would have tried to minimize it). That’s what the Yonadans meeting the Enterprise crew would look like from the perspective of the Yonadans. I think it would have been interesting if the episode explored this angle.

Side note: “only the high priestess may choose a mate” - does that mean the priestess lady arranges everyone else’s marriages? I guess that would make sense, it’s a not-huge and very isolated population so they might have to be careful to avoid inbreeding, and they’d have to be careful to maintain a population big enough to do everything that needed doing but small enough to stay within the carrying capacity of their small garden ecology, so it might make sense that reproduction is centrally controlled. That, uh... that implies she’s a very powerful person, in a probably often not very nice way.

To me this episode felt like maybe somebody really wanted to write a story about a generation ship and grafted that into a Star Trek episode. I kind of liked that.

#Star Trek #I read/watch something

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aparecium-hq · 4 years

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Welcome to Aparecium, Ro! You have been accepted for Scorpius Malfoy. We are thrilled to have, as you put it, a massive anti-hero, morally-grey character nerd among us! Your Scorpius has a lot of fun potential, and we can’t wait to see what you do with him. Check out the new member checklist, and jump right in.

Character Basics

Birthday (Age): 21 Gender (Pronouns): Male (He/Him) Sexuality: Currently still exploring and unsure. He knows he’s interested in men, but isn’t sure if it’s an exclusive thing and doesn’t feel confident enough for labels just yet. Blood Status: Pureblood Hogwarts House/School: Ravenclaw Occupation: Healer (4th Year Apprenticeship) Faceclaim: Maxence Danet-Fauvel

Any requested changes? Not super explicitly a change exactly but, from the resources I’ve found, there doesn’t appear to be a lot of information on training involved in becoming a Healer. Wiki suggests that it’s all based on academics from regular school years, but I find this a little far fetched. I imagine there’d be some sort of training system in place at the hospital, not that different from the muggle world, so I’ve sort of assumed a couple of years of what we would call ‘residency’ but I’m calling 'apprenticeship’ because that’s the old school guild way and feels wix-world appropriate? Anyway, let me know if there are any issues with this or if you want to discuss it further! Also, please note that any headcanons I form in the rest of my application regarding existing, playable characters, I can definitely tweak if the personality portrayal goes against future applicants! I make a few references to Albus, for example, that is sort of based on his personality in Cursed Child, as well as what I read in his bio. But if anything conflicts with how he is portrayed by who eventually plays him, I will obviously take that into account and accommodate.

Biography:

Having inadvertently become the best friend of Albus Potter, he never really had the opportunity to complain about the challenges of growing up the son of Draco Malfoy. Because obviously, growing up the son of Harry Potter (and then sorted into Slytherin, no less—cue gasps of shock and appall) was obviously a lot more immediately arduous. And Scorpius is and has always been an empathetic person. Some people (sometimes even his father, when he got cranky) had coined that particular trait as being a bit of a push over, but Scorpius liked that he put the needs and considerations of others before his own.

So he had no regrets about how he more often than not, kept those particular thoughts to himself. But it did get frustrating sometimes, especially as a kid. Because it would seem that no matter how many years of post-war peace go by, they can never fully escape the discrimination (or, as his father likes to sarcastically call it, the 'hurt feelings’).

And it’s not at all that he didn’t have a good childhood. In a lot of ways, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Certainly, there were some… complications. A few particularly difficult years, being that he was a child of divorce, and had to adjust to bouncing back and forth between two separate households at a young age. But overall, he knows he’s one of the lucky ones. He has always felt loved, protected and supported. And though his parents were barely on speaking terms for the better part of the first few years after their divorce, they did their best not to involve Scorpius in their issues of discontent.

Despite all of that, he has always been a lot closer with his father, than his mother. Astoria is good to him and loving, but she was (somewhat surprisingly) less supportive of Scorpius’ straying from tradition when it came to being sorted into Ravenclaw, and his relationships with the Potter-Weasley clan. Draco, despite his persnickety temperament, had been Scorpius’ influence of patience, ambition and most importantly, tolerance. From the conversations they’ve had over the years, Scorpius is beginning to understand that his father still holds a lot of resentment for the expectations that were forced upon him as the only Malfoy heir of his generation, especially with things that went on during the war. To this day, however, it’s a bit like piecing together a jigsaw puzzle because Draco often refuses to discuss the war.

When it comes to politics, Scorpius is by no means opposed to muggleborn equality—obviously—and he can even hypothetically be supportive of the introduction of muggle technology. But he was raised by parents who were absolutely against the absurd idea of abolishing the Statue of Secrecy, and Scorpius has to admit he agrees with them. Even his father, who is generally a lot more empathetic to muggle and muggleborn related politics than Astoria, firmly believes dissolving the Statue of Secrecy would only lead to another war, perhaps even uglier than the last.

A typical Ravenclaw, Scorpius very much enjoyed school, and now that he’s out in the 'real world’, even though he's had a few years to adjust, he still sometimes feels a little lost in it. He misses the reliable comfort of being a student, of having constant mentors and structure available to him, and the leniency of not having to make and stick to decisions regarding his future. He followed in his fathers footsteps and pursued Healing, which he has to admit feels relatively right, but still, he’s never been as good under fire as his father, nor as unflappably resilient and ambitious. He wants to be good, and he wants to make a difference and make his parents proud—but there are times he really struggles not to crumple under the pressure of it all.

And then there was Rose. Merlin, he has so many regrets about how things went with Rose—his other best friend. He’d known they should probably never have dated. He’d known, and even Albus had tried to warn him, but at the time Scorpius had just dismissed Albus’ concerns as his “annoying cynicism” talking. And to be fair, Albus really could be quite cynical sometimes.

But as it turns out, he was right. He was really, really right, because the (astoundingly brief) relationship had been a total bust, and even though he and Rose had agreed in advance not to let the attempt at romance come between their friendship should it not work out, Scorpius made that promise a difficult one to keep when he cheated on her with a young man in his apprenticeship program at St. Mungo’s, and she found out. He knows it’s his fault, he does—but he misses her intensely and he wants to find a way to win back her trust and respect.

Plus, it’d be great if he could finally get Albus to stop with the 'I told you so’ tirade.

Character Questionnaire

What does your character value in a friendship? Scorpius’ friends mean everything to him. Though he can be something of an introvert (strong Ravenclaw vibes), he is prone to getting lonely without the company of those few people dearest to him. The ones who know him best and with whom he can share anything. He finds he’s frequently looking to his friends for advice, or their perspective on something he’s feeling particularly indecisive or uncertain about, so he definitely values honesty in that regard, and someone he feels safe being open with about his fears. He also values patience, and inquisitiveness, and he has a harder time with people who are hot-tempered or quick to anger. Which… did make his relationship with Albus a complicated one, especially at first, but by the same token, he also really admires people who are passionate and decisive—perhaps because it embodies traits he wishes he could see more of in himself.

How would your character describe their own work ethic? Is that an accurate measure of themself?

If there is one thing Scorpius inherited above all else from his father, it’s his work ethic. Draco taught him to be a resilient, diligent student, and a reliable, focused worker. He taught him to take pride in his work, and to never settle for anythnig less than the best. This did generate some issues with Scorpius’ tendency towards being an obsessive perfectionist, which doesn’t actually bode particularly well for his softer sensibilities and his capricious sense of confidence, but otherwise he considers his work ethic one of his stronger attributes.

How would a stranger who has just met your character describe them?

Probably sweet, warm, and a little shy. Scorpius generally gives off a good first impression because he is well mannered, friendly, and easy going. He much prefers making friends to enemies—but his first impression is usually limited to just that one dimension. Only those who know him better are exposed to his more anxious, self-conscious side, and his friends know he has a bright, almost sarcastic sense of humour that he undoubtedly got from his father. Often, new friends are taken a little by surprise by it.

Para Sample

He knew for a fact that his hair was standing every which way by the time Albus got home, thanks to his some-call-it-habit, others-call-it-tic, of tugging his fingers through it when he was bored. Or nervous. Or tired. Or hungry. And he also knew for a fact that there was a spot on his jumper from the bit of tea he’d spilled on it when he’d gotten home, and that his father would be less than impressed at his state of dress. But though there were a lot of things Scorpius got from his father, one apple that had fallen actually quite far from the tree, had been Draco’s sophisticated propensity.

Scorpius much preferred jumpers that were cozy and a bit too big, shoes that were comfortably worn-in, and rolling out of bed and more or less letting his hair do what it would, without too much fussing about. Sorry, Da.

And tonight, it was admittedly his boredom at fault for the bird’s nest state of his hair, perhaps helped by an undercurrent of anxiety that was pretty common now that Scorpius was getting on into his apprenticeship—and that had undoubtedly gotten worse since his falling out with Rose. And really, he tried not to talk about that whole debacle too much with Albus, because it seemed to make him a little uncomfortable, but Scorpius was prone to over-thinking (read: obsessing) and so it was a subject that was almost constantly simmering at the back of his mind.

Nonetheless, the sound of the door clicking open brought with it an intense wave of relief and excitement for Scorpius, because Albus was home, which meant someone to talk to, someone to distract him from thinking about work (because his father always told him to leave work at the door when he left, if he wanted to have any semblance of a life outside it), and perhaps someone to play a round of Wizard’s Chess with him. Though that usually took a fair amount of convincing, with Albus.

#apareciumacceptance #rp #rpg #hp rp #scorpius malfoy

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rankakiu · 4 years

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Thoughts of the Droid: Terminator: Dark Fate (2019)

Hello, people of Tumblr! How was your week? As always, I hope very well. People, this time I bring to you all my review and opinions about the new installment of the T-800 franchise: Terminator: Dark Fate. A film that has raised some controversy.

And it is not for less, since Terminator is one of the most beloved sagas within science fiction. Curiously, even after 35 years, the general public and especially fans of the saga, only love the first two deliveries; the remaining four, including Dark Fate, have them in very low esteem. Being honest with you, almost a week after its release, it was very frequent to see my YouTube recommendations critical of this movie, all of them very destructive, stating that Dark Fate was the worst film in the Terminator saga. Well, your favorite friend and reviewer Rankakiu has already seen that movie. Is it really a disaster? Or are we facing a misunderstood masterpiece? Well, let's go to the review to find out.

WARNING: NOT SPOILER FREE. Read at your own risk

Starting with the review, what did I think of the movie? Short answer: it is a passable movie and you can have a fun time watching it. But nothing else. Now let's go into details.

Characters: Without a doubt it is very pleasant to have back actor Arnold Schwarzenegger and actress Linda Hamilton playing their iconic roles of the T-800 and Sarah Connor, respectively. And although Hamilton had a long time not to return to her character, that does not affect at all, since she has shown not only her acting quality by reincarnating a warrior woman like Sarah Connor, but also demonstrates that she was born for that role. At no time in the movie did Hamilton's performance seem indifferent, but quite the opposite, since at all times she felt like Sarah Connor. With a reborn resentment towards machines and a more experienced soldier, but still Sarah Connor despite everything.

The same goes for the good Arnold Schwarzenegger, although in his case it is already easier for him to play the T-800 again, since he has participated in almost all the films. Even with that, like Hamilton, Schwarzenegger was born for the role of the 101 model of Cyberdine systems. Apart from the above, the film is responsible for humanizing the T-800 and thereby answering the question of whether a machine can develop attachment and affection towards humans.

Certainly previous films like Terminator 2: Judgment Day and Terminator: Genysis had already answered that question; however, in Terminator: Dark Fate, it gives another approach, differentiating itself from the aforementioned films and I liked that a lot. Both actors make the film much more accessible to watch and make the experience much more pleasing to me.

On the other characters, the truth be told, they are not (that) badly written. Of course, I feel they need that little spark called charisma to become characters that were much more memorable. One of the most rescued new characters, in my very personal opinion, is the character of Grace, played by actress Mackenzie Davis, who, in my opinion, did a good job of playing a warrior woman, enhanced with cyber technology, turning it into a kind of cyborg. You could say that his role represents a bit what was the character of Kyle Reese from the first Terminator movie, being a soldier with the mission to protect Dani Ramos. Something also to highlight, are the moments of action of the character, where we can see her fight hand in hand with a Terminator, being almost at the same level.

Grace clearly possesses reflexes, speed and strength well above a common human; However, this power can only be used in a short time and requires a special serum to keep her cyborg body functioning properly. That little detail pleased me a lot, since you have a lethal soldier, but not with too much exaggerated power, and besides, these restrictions of power are well founded within the story. While Grace doesn't leave the conventional clichés of being a strong woman and a war-hardened soldier, at least Davis's interpretation pleased me quite a bit, building a pretty decent character. If they really gave her a better-worked script, I'm sure Davis can surprise us.

On the other hand, we have actress Natalia Reyes, playing the character of Daniella "Dani" Ramos. Interestingly, in this character we see a kind of amalgam, a story that combines the situations experienced by the characters of Sarah Connor and John Connor. Dani's life, so normal and common, suddenly changes radically and without the possibility of returning to her previous way of life, when an artificial intelligence sends a machine to exterminate her (representing Sarah from Terminator). As soon as she knows the destiny that awaits her, she has no choice but to fight and accept her destiny as a protector and leader of humanity against the machines (adopting the role of the various incarnations of John Connor).

In my opinion she is a decent character and some may consider that her evolution as a character happens too quickly, but in my case, I think that is justified, since Dani Ramos is in the situation that she has to mature quickly and become a warrior, or else her death will be insured. If you ask me, Natalia did a good job, but unfortunately her character has a somewhat annoying approach, being more the fault of the script than anything else.

Of course, I cannot finish this point without mentioning the antagonist: the Terminator Rev-9, a model created by artificial intelligence called "Legion", which has created one of the most advanced terminator models ever seen. It has similar properties to other terminators seen above, particularly the T-1000 and the T-X (Terminatrix), only here it proves to be much more advanced than the mentioned models.

If there is something that has characterized the Terminator franchise, it is without a doubt, the creativity that they put on the various models, each with amazing capabilities that more than one military contractor would like to see in reality. And the Rev-9 is no exception. I certainly liked that ability that has to be divided into two completely autonomous machines, since with that ability, it can attack the same target from two flanks, or it can attack different targets at once.

It also highlights the enormous ease that Rev-9 has of hacking systems, computers and unmanned vehicles to search for and eliminate targets, as well as being able to infiltrate with great ease and above all to replicate a complex range of human emotions, in order to go unnoticed. A highly lethal machine that should not be underestimated and whose antagonism in the film pleased me quite a bit. Maybe not at the level of the legendary T-1000, starring Robert Patrick. But at least the interpretation of Gabriel Luna does not go unnoticed.

Story: Well, where to start? If you ask me, the story presented in this movie is something like a double-edged sword. On the one hand, the story of how Grace and Rev-9 travel to the past to look for Dani Ramos and the last one seeing how her life changes dramatically, to later accept her destiny, results in a fairly decent story in my opinion. The problem is that history has certain interesting ideas, but in the end it does not know how to develop any in a satisfactory way. Certainly, I think they made the same mistake as Terminator: Genysis, basically leaving a lot of doubts and confusion in the viewer.

I think one of the biggest mistakes in the movie was precisely to eliminate John Connor, to be replaced by Dani Ramos. Look, I'm not against a woman leading an army of humans against the machines, but you have to keep in mind that in the previous five films, John Connor was always established as the leader of the resistance; That, coupled with the fact that it is a very abrupt change and without argumental justification, is not difficult to understand why many did not like this change at all.

In a personal opinion, I think it would have been better if they kept John Connor alive and at the same time, to interact with Dani Ramos, so that both of them would end up becoming the resistance leaders. Or, that John Connor died in adulthood, in the middle of the battle and that before he died, it was he himself who designated Dani Ramos as his successor in the resistance.

Certain doubts also arise as the plot develops. As for example: which of the two artificial intelligences sent all those terminators that ended up destroyed by Sarah Connor? If it was Skynet, it makes no sense, since in the end it did its job of killing John Connor. If it was Legion, why so far did it occur to send a Rev-9 to exterminate Dani Ramos? And since we're in those, how is it possible that the T-800, the one who killed John, knew exactly when a Terminator arrived? And how did Legion artificial intelligence originate? Grace explains how her world ended up destroyed by Legion, but never explains how it becomes an menace, if it was an artificial intelligence that acquired its own consciousness, or a kind of virus that altered it computer structure, something that explains Legion's origin.

In this regard, one might also ask, if the events that prevented the emergence of Skynet in Terminator 2, altered the original timeline. In any case, it must be stinking that no matter what Sarah Connor does, there will always be an artificial intelligence that will seek to destroy humanity.

Another mistake made by the film at the level of story is precisely to tell the same story that we have seen throughout the franchise: an artificial intelligence sends a machine to eliminate the future leader of humanity. The resistance, meanwhile, sends a soldier capable of fulfilling the mission and having a link with that leader. After a series of battles, they defeat the evil machine, while the person destined to lead mankind becomes aware of the role he will have in the future.

Although as I said, the story that tells the growth of Dani Ramos, is not bad and in fact, the character reaches its culminating evolution in the battle at the hydroelectric dam, where our heroes join with everything to end the Rev-9 , being one of the most exciting and successful sequences of the film.

Visuals & special effects: Without a doubt the best of the film. And it is really amazing that they could rejuvenate the characters of Sarah Connor, the T-800 and especially the character of John Connor. Similarly, the special effects are fascinating when it comes to showing the Rev-9 model in all its splendor, particularly where the Rev-9 shows its liquid metal state, much like a kind of live pitch, whether for regenerate or to divide into two combat units, or to create white weapons. The effects also stand out in themselves, by showing the conflict between the human race and Legion artificial intelligence, where you can see Terminators units, similar to the Rev-9 mentioned, only that they have more beastly forms and are more implacable. Similarly, the atmospheres about a destroyed world have that perfect apocalyptic atmosphere, a practically unrecognizable world, where humanity has to fight day by day against mechanical beings, ultimately lethal.

Action: Another remarkable aspect and also the best that the film offers. For example, the fight between Grace and the Rev-9 at the car plant is a good-to-face choreographed melee battle, enough to make it a memorable battle. It is an intense combat, full of strength and speed, where both fighters use their skills to end their adversary. I also highlight another scene, being this, the final battle in the hydroelectric dam, where our protagonists come together to definitively end the Rev-9, being really a scene of thrilling action, full of adrenaline at every moment. And while I recognize that there are unlikely action scenes, at least they are quite acceptable, since these are not very exaggerated. At least, in my opinion, it is worth watching the movie for the action scenes. In conclusion, Terminator: Dark Fate, is a film that will not be a masterpiece, but neither is it a horrible product. At most, it is a passable movie that can take your boredom away. However, being a product that conforms to more of the same, telling you the same story over and over again will undoubtedly become something totally dispensable. You watch the movie, nothing happens. You don't watch the movie, anyway, you don't miss much. Therefore, I give this movie 2.5 of 5 Revs-9. Sadly and ironically, Terminator: Dark Fate is waiting for a dark destiny: to be placed next to its three predecessors in the vault of oblivion.

Greetings

Rankakiu

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shadowalec · 4 years

Text

The End...and The Beginning ~‪@Quiet_Nikki ‬

It was over. Three little words I never thought we’d hear. As I lay here with my wife curled against my side, sleeping peacefully, I couldn’t help but feel uneasy. The Gathering’s reign of terror had lasted for so many years that I wasn’t sure I knew how else to feel. Most likely, the others felt as I did. Raeanne, Kellan, Draven, Simone. I sincerely hoped that they were able to sleep as my Nikolette was.

My Nikolette. Now that we were free, what would our life be like? We wouldn’t even have a future to contemplate if it weren’t for the others. Raeanne and Kellan worked their technological wizardry to disable and corrupt the Gathering’s entire computer system thanks to something called back doors that they tried to explain to me. All that mattered was that they succeeded in destroying all of it.

In the process, they had triggered the Gathering to have all personnel in one location as we hoped. I made the implosion of their building so much more effective. No, I did not allow any of our group to be directly involved in the physical destruction of their complex. I didn’t have to.

Thanks to Kellan’s serum and my reaction to it, some of my vampiric gifts had grown exponentially along with the return of my...humanity. I know Nikolette was thrilled that I could enjoy food and sunlight with her once more. I’m not sure how she felt about the rest. My telepathy and powers of persuasion were so much stronger now. It allowed me to arrange for a small team that was not tied to any of us to pull off the final steps in our plan.

None of them knew that there were people inside the building they demolished. They were told it was condemned and a dangerous structure. They had set up the explosives ahead of time in small groups, not all at once. Nothing was done to draw any attention. The detonation of the building was done remotely by three or four individuals at once so that the task was shared. None would remember or have to lie to any authorities if they happened to be questioned. Thanks to my enhanced gifts.

Before the final steps were in place, Kellan and Raeanne were able to determine that the few creatures they had trapped below were too far gone, tortured, to be saved. That was the ultimate deterrent preventing us from putting the final steps in place. Hoping to save any like me. But once we discovered that ending their lives would be merciful. There was no reason not to proceed. It was still difficult for Nikolette to come to terms with what we had planned. Even when she knew the greater good that we were accomplishing. I hope in time she will not grow to resent us for what we have done, directly and indirectly.

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livvyplaysfinalfantasy · 5 years

Video

youtube

As promised, I’m changing up the structure of my playthroughs for the time being. This particular video is a mash-up of all the footage of the Warrior of Light’s meetings with Nanamo throughout 4.1. This video’s quality leaves much to be desired because I captured this footage with the intention of turning it into screenshot photosets as I usually do. However, after months of consideration, I decided my thoughts for this part of the main scenario were best provided as an overall summary rather than a beat-by-beat analysis, primarily because these quests all tie into similar overarching themes - themes I took issue with.

I would be the first to say that this arc is long overdue for Nanamo Ul Namo, whose character stagnated after her supposed death in A Realm Reborn. The revelation that she was alive but being kept asleep was dissatisfying not only because it reverted her to a political tool for the Monetarists and kept her as a plot device - it also brushed aside everything her character had stood for up to that point: a desire to bring about drastic change to the same unfair political systems that put her on the throne in the first place.

And this arc might have been more palatable if it did justice to both Ul'dah and to Ala Mhigo. Sadly, this series of quests misses the mark on both fronts - but if nothing else, Nanamo is here given her long-awaited time to shine, and we're given foreshadowing to even more growth for her in the future.

This questline begins with Nanamo voicing her realization that Raubahn, her best friend, is conflicted about whether or not he should return to Ala Mhigo - and that regardless of what he chooses, Nanamo has decided that the best thing she can do for him is take charge of her rule on her own terms. And so, to kick off that journey of self-actualization, we’re given a summary of Nanamo's life: her struggles as a ruler to tend to the ever-growing refugee populations within and without her city, her parents' untimely death and the unresolved questions of Monetarist involvement, and her relationship with Raubahn. Interestingly, the cutscene at 4:21 - the flashback of Raubahn winning his final match in the Coliseum and earning his place on the Syndicate - was recreated from an identical scene from 1.0. It was great to see it here, brought back into a renewed context for players who weren't able to see it so many years ago.

Nanamo is, to me, one of the most sympathetic characters in the game. She's one of four notable female leaders in 2.0, one who undoubtedly has inspired the best in her counterparts from Gridania and Limsa Lominsa. Her intentions to help everyone in Ul'dah have always been selfless and honest, and her lack of agency is not by any means for a lack of trying.

And so it leaves a bad taste in my mouth when we're told by multiple characters - even ones who have only been affable and agreeable up until this point - that Nanamo's ambitions to help Ul'dah by helping refugees are not good for anyone. It was an... interesting choice to position Godbert Manderville, who is not only a joke NPC but also Eorzea's equivalent of Santa Claus, as a mouthpiece for economic austerity. It's fair to argue, as Godbert does, that Nanamo is in danger of acting as a privileged "savior" to predominantly Ala Mhigan refugees - or it would be, if Godbert's primary concern was the dignity of Ala Mhigo's people. But his focus seems to be instead on making sure that the refugees don't receive "handouts," and that Ul'dahns don't get bitter about it:

Godbert: For all our potential, we are indolent creatures by nature. If unconditional charity is all we know, then we begin to rely upon it - to expect it. And then we must consider Ul'dah's own poor and downtrodden. Should they hear of you spending the nation's coin - not to improve their lot, but to nurture the distant citizens of Ala Mhigo - it is unlikely they will applaud your generosity. Surely it is not Your Grace's intention to foster new resentments, but to spread goodwill?

This overwhelmingly capitalist throughline in the narrative only becomes more prominent as Nanamo asks you, the Warrior of Light, to consult with an expert in trade and somehow the first and only person to come to mind is Hancock. Hancock then immediately directs you toward Lolorito, the very same man who has been Nanamo's greatest hurdle toward successful rule of Ul'dah.

Nanamo gets in a good laugh by mimicking Lolorito's mask. She also states, point-blank, that the fines and "reparations" that Lolorito paid after he literally kept her asleep for months on end will be used to fund the refugee aid, along with all the assets from her would-be assassin's estate. But from there, the conversation turns entirely to Lolorito and what his ideal plans would be for an investment into Ala Mhigan industry. The back-and-forth between the Warrior of Light and Lolorito at 17:56 is pretty great but ultimately fruitless, as Lolorito clearly already has an idea in mind for an investment: the Saltery, the ruined hamlet in the Lochs that was crucial to the Alliance retaking the city.

Nanamo is not a flawless character: she is overly idealistic at points, and her habit of wandering around Thanalan in disguise is well within the realm of foolishness, considering that her death would mean unchallenged Monetarist rule. But only the most cynical of players would say that Nanamo's charity is a flaw to be overcome, or that she would be a better person or leader for ascribing more closely Monetarist practices. I'm under no illusions that Nanamo would be able to successfully rule Ul'dah by ignoring the Monetarists and giving money freely to Ala Mhigan refugees. That said, to suddenly invoke the idea that Nanamo needs to rein in her selflessness is an odd and entirely arbitrary way of adding in "realism" to a political plot - not least because it presents Ala Mhigo's poor as helpless and lazy, and all Ul'dahns as greedy.

It's also a bit of a slap in the face to have fought for Ala Mhigo and its people, only for one of the most selfish characters in the entire game to ultimately take credit for the city-state's economic wellbeing. To add insult to that injury, Doma never receives this same treatment: players can participate directly in turn-in quests, but Domans are treated as a self-sufficient community throughout those quests. Only Ala Mhigo remains bare and in ruins, and only Ala Mhigo is put in the position of relying on the help of people like Lolorito in the first place.

Playing this for the first time as Ahtyn, it struck me how different of a tone this was from 4.0, where we were fighting oppression with active opposition. And as mentioned above, this moment does lead to more incidents of agency for Nanamo later on in 4.X’s plot. But if we as collective Warriors of Light never again have to enable and empower movements that undermine the disenfranchised, it will not be a moment too soon.

#LPFFXIV:S

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shlrzy09 · 4 years

Text

A Letter To My Mother

To my mother,

As it was said in class, fear is an identification that I am at risk. Ma, what I am about to tell you is something I have never shared with you. When Donald Trump was running for president, I did not think that his bigoted self would win. I really had hope for this country. Coincidentally, that was around the same time that I was very involved here in the university and I put in a lot of work to make changes organizing with student leaders and my community. When the news channels said he won the election, I remember being in the student center here at Rutgers University and the shock that went through my body caused me to drop my stuff on the floor. I immediately went back to my off-campus housing and I cried the whole night. I thought about myself and the people who similarly identified as me- queer bisexual scholar, artist, activist woman of color. I thought about you, Frankie (my sister), and Alex (my step dad). I thought about my community and the closer communities we work with. I panicked, I did not know what to do so I went home the next day. You thought I visited to taste your home cooked meal but in my head, it was hell’s kitchen. I needed to know that you were safe because fear took over me and somehow, I imagined what life would be like after these four years and what it would be like for us. I coped through writing and came up with this poem:

“Before listening to me,

Remember that what you hear,

And how you’re listening

Is a projecting force from within.

So, bear with me.

Take this to your deepest core.

If you ask me why I am the way I am,

I want you to know that

I am the way I am.

But

if I had one chance to pray,

I would pray this,

Please bless me, bless me, bless me because-

Here I am, pouring sweat on my body,

But it hurts every time it touches me.

It burns like acid-looking/wax-burning on a candlelight, lit with fire

as if I was made from one.

As if I carry the ocean waves of tears

Of my ancestors crying for

Not another day where

They had to give little pieces of themselves,

Willingly being robbed or their tongues,

Bear,

To ride the bandwagon of such a white blanket.

Spaces.

No.

My tears speak for how heavy my heart feels.

its weight pushing down my organs

trying to find the right ways to escape a body so whole,

yet so hollow.

As if I stand a chance.

I can feel my ancestors’ footsteps marching,

Running, crawling,

a smoke of sand blowing everywhere,

Stumbling back home.

No.

Rooted from my veins, my blood-

My blood always find the right points of temperature enough just to boil immediately

as if it was a default setting,

regularly bound to happen.

Like my body is not mine to keep

Every single time someone who does not

Look like me speak.

My blood boils

Ooh

My blood boils.

As if my body was wrapped up,

bonded by the pacific ring of fire.

My blood boils.

No.

On schedule, there was no structure as to how I scrape the walls of my bones

And no, it doesn’t hurt,

And no.

(I mean)

yes,

red alert,

But not

to then revert

the forbidden tending motion

Of the protection I had

From this

Red

White

Blue

Land of the

Red white blue

Land of the

Free?

United Snakes of America,

Land of the free,

Applies to you,

And you,

But not for me.

One nation

Under God,

Indivisible,

With liberty,

And justice for all

- except if you’re not white.

I knew all along.

Somebody like me will never really be

My skin so brown

My eyes so wide

My hair so black.

My teeth so bright.

I can’t quite find the silver lining.

How could I have been so foolish?

I want to feel the privilege of

Sleeping peacefully

Knowing that racism,

Misogyny,

And

Intolerance will not affect me.

But

I am young

And foolish

Full of ambition

But

I am young

And foolish

Full of ambition

In this country.

Need I say more?

I’m not mad. I just want you to feel what it feels like.”

Ma, we got here ten years ago and it still feel like I do not belong here. There is this concept we talked about in class about humanitas vs anthropos and I could not help to think that I am the other (anthropos). The white folks (humanitas) have done their job again making me feel like I am under them instead of next to them. What it means to me now is that my work is not just for me. This degree is not just for me. This is for you and the family, everyone after me, my brothers and sisters, and everyone who needs love in this country. And then I ask, are we inside the border of something we did not expect to be in or we were just really blind to the reality that this country was not meant to be for us? I believe in the power of visibility. This is our struggle and what I am about to tell you is theirs.

James Baldwin’s “I am Not Your Negro,” and Ta-nehisi Coates’ “Between The World and Me,” covered the stories of black bodies here in America. Let me tell you, the subjects of their books were not so different than us. Baldwin and Coates were phenomenal writers who exposed so much about their truths. They wrote about their communities with respect and power. I will never turn my back against any writers who talk about the concepts of their communities’ realities because I aspire to be like one of those writers.

Vulgar racism was one of the concepts that were mentioned in their books. Vulgar can mean rude, distasteful, overdone, or in our language- “bastos.” I do not need to explain to you what racism is. You know what it is. Ma, do you know that the Black communities face this vulgar racism the most? I thought that my middle school bullies were the worst, but no. This is beyond calling me chink and making fun of how I say “detention.” This is beyond the point where I hold my tears all day, run to our bathroom, cry, and cause harm to my body because this country was a huge adjustment for me so I had to learn how to assimilate the hard way.

Ma, in Baldwin’s book, he shared his despair about the time that they had heroes who fought many battles for them but with this concept of vulgar racism, their heroes were only able to fight for a limited amount of time. I pray my respect to Malcolm X, Martin Luther King Jr., and Medgar Evans.

There was also another incident when Dorothy Counts, a powerful black student, was taunted and disrespected by white folks for attending an all-white, non-integrated school. That could have been me, ma. I think back about middle school and how nice and cruel the folks were but never this much. Ma, this bigoted white community willingly hurt these humble people for the color of their skin and their desire to mobilize. All they wanted was love and to be treated equally.

And then in Coates’ book, he shared many examples of police brutality. Tamir Rice, Eric Garner, Michael Brown, Trayvon Martin, and many more. You’ve watched the news. You’ve seen how they drop dead like flies. Ma, I learned that it is important to say their names, to remember them, and to know how they died. This is all out of respect. They are constrained in their black bodies. I see chains tied up all around them to the point where it is questionable how they even breathe. They operate through the concept of fear, ma. There are many African-American families and other intersectional identities in the Black communities that live through fear.

This similar fear, I empathize when Donald Trump became president. When my stuff dropped on the floor of the student center, I felt their pain on top of my fear for the future of this country. I am a permanent resident trying to naturalize myself into a citizen of this country I am supposed to love and die for but this is how they treat their people. Tell me how to maneuver around that, please. You always know what is best for me.

Other concepts are the causes and effects of racism. I have mentioned a little about what happens after racism exposes itself in the air but for the Black community ma, again, they have it worse.

In Baldwin’s book, he mentioned a statement that struck me with multiple reflections about how the black community have been treated since the centuries of slavery back in the day. He said, “Blacks are not human, or as human as they are,” (pg 40). This automatically sets a divide between their community and the rest of us. But I understand that it is not their fault. This institutional racism played a huge role that made their lives play out like this.

In Coates’ book, he mentioned one of the young honorable children who died through police brutality. Ma, he was the same age as RJ (my cousin) the year this happened. The black body is not going to be truly safe in this country unless they know the ins and outs of the streets or even in stuff like higher education. The cause of racism is their black bodies. The effects other than death equals fear throughout their lives. A black child cannot grow up the same way a white child would. The black child, to me, has to grow up faster in different routes.

Because I know it is not about me, selfishly, what this means to me is that I am not alone. I am not the only one who struggles with some type of institutional system set up against me and people like me. Positively, I know that I will be able to determine who can help me understand the struggle and how to get out of it. I know you are thinking that this does not affect you but to think about it, the foundation of the oppression we face roots from the hatred this country has against people of color, especially the Black communities.

Ma, I know my tattoos do not mean much to you and in fact, I remember you resenting me for them. I have a safety pin to symbolize a safe haven within my body for people to see that they are safe with me. I have “Love Yourself First” to remind me to healthily love others. I have arrows moving forward to remind me that I am a force that gets set back in order to build momentum for the push forward. My narrative, along with the Black communities only scream unity within adversity. Our narratives need to be heard and I believe that visibility matters. I am your daughter and this is the reality I live in my head. All you know is that I am a college student working for a degree so then I can have better opportunities in the future so then I can buy you a house in the Philippines that you always wanted, and to get us out of Irvington. What you do not know is that Irvington raised me along with you. My friends from middle school are the foundation of my knowledge through the streets and they helped me improve my English. My high school friends taught me about love and relationships with people. And my college friends, I know I am going to cherish for the rest of my life. The people I met, the teachers who believed in me, and the experiences I have seen and heard of all helped shape who I am today. I made the decision to dedicate the rest of my life to my community. Do not worry. You did not raise a quitter. Ma, there are some good in the bad after all. It is just that people like us need to look for the good using different routes and we have to work three times harder. That’s all. Thank you for giving birth to me because I believe in healthy, gradual change and I will be responsible for some of it.

Para sa iyo,

Ang anak mo’ng si Patricia.

#words #personal #iamanimmigrant #firstgen #cortado

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weirdmirrors · 5 years

Text

Study of Nostalgia

The second chapter of my dissertation is on nostalgia. I have been conducing a bit of research on nostalgia in my previous studies, and in particular, in my manuscript Debris of Utopia. I opened it to take notes on my notes and perhaps use something in my dissertation. Debris of Utopia and my dissertation have been functioning like a small system of connected retorts.

Political - socially acceptable to be nostalgic for the Soviet times, as opposed (at least recently) to the Nazi nostalgia. And it is understandable: Soviet project was a project for the world that still has its appeal.

Nostalgia for the Soviet times is not nostalgia for the Soviet times but a meta-nostalgia, nostalgia for nostalgia: "I sometimes think that what one deals with in the post-Soviet spaces is the sedimentation of ruins, the rubble that left from the ruins of the Soviet constructions and infrastructure: not with ruins as such but rather with ruins of ruins. And the affect that they bring is, in fact, not nostalgia but rather the meta-nostalgia: a nostalgia for the nostalgia. While nostalgia is an experience of longing for something that may or may not have been there, the meta-nostalgia is longing for the purity of this experience. But the always-already-polluted can only dream of purity."

Ruins produce nostalgia: "Ruins are generative in terms of affect, producing nostalgia and melancholy, and also creating lacunae of experimental social / bodily explorations and not-always-legal or simply frowned-upon usages."

Nostalgia is acute: "Gazing at ruins and exploitation of ruins is pleasurable, and the nature of this pleasure is complex, from purely distanced aestheticized savoring of the “elegiac elegance” of ruins to the more acute feelings of nostalgia and loss. Yet Soviet ruins, I tend to forget, ascribing my own sensitivities of a native observer to others, are foreign to the Western reader. Rann suggests Soviet ruins are attractive for a Westerner because communist iconography, refined and redefined, stripped from its threatening meaning, is a veritable succession of images of a dissolved empire: “Russia and eastern Europe serves as an imaginary space in which western nations can play out their own crises of identity, without having to confront them directly” (Rann, 2014). In other words, Russian ruins serve as a mirror of a polished shield looking at which Perseus does not risk to be blinded by the Medusa Gorgon’s exterminating sights."

Nostalgia is mythology-producing: "Similarly, it is too compelling to announce the Soviet past to be the past and to overlook the summoning of this past conducted most notably by the state in contemporary Russia, to say that whatever is happening now is something entirely different from the past. The USSR’s was a revealing collapse. It still is. This existence in the non-existence of the Soviet Union is still so painfully evident in a multiplicity of manifestations as perhaps its very presence wasn’t. The collapse of the USSR has started, and it is not near the end of its unfolding. Like the collapse of the Roman empire, it will reverberate through the centuries. Not surprisingly, therefore, not only the empire is thought and described in dualistic terms, but that it is also likely to evoke the sense of nostalgia in the observers. The sense of nostalgia is going to be purified by those invoking it until it reaches that ideal vision of empire which is entirely fictitious, mythological, and also mythology-producing. "The unexpected and the unsurprising" merged in the collapse of the USSR, according to Yurchak (282). But for whom was it unsurprising? Surely for many people, as Yurchak himself attests, the end of the Soviet Union was the personal tragedy. There was a lot of the staggering—not just the surprising before, during, and after the collapse. In “Conclusion,” Yurchak writes: “This book began with a paradox: the spectacular collapse of the Soviet Union was completely unexpected by most Soviet people and yet,…most of them also immediately realized that they had actually been prepared for that unexpected collapse.” (Ibid). But is this such a paradox? People seemingly smoothly went on with their daily lives. What else was or is there to do? Is it not what "always" happens in the times of significant transformations and social changes? Who can, goes on, and who cannot, does not. The latter might look quite differently. People could depart for the inner emigration and engage into escapism, find for themselves enclaves where the life goes on as if nothing happened, and people could die. While many didn’t die, many did. While in some regions the collapse went (seemingly) smoothly, in others there erupted wars and military conflicts, often with ethnic component and civil wars: Transnistria, Nagorno-Karabakh, Abkhazia, South Ossetia, Tajikistan. Many-years Chechen wars and the currently unfolding hybrid war between Russia and Ukraine is the consequences and the continuation of the collapse."

Nostalgia is “sentimental” in Etkind's reading (somewhat tautologically): "Alexander Etkind writes about the affective register of the “high Soviet period” that he defined as stretching from 1928-1953, overshadowed by the common knowledge and reluctance, impossibility to speak about gulag, as the atmosphere of “coercion, violence, and angrst,” which resulted in the “complex of feelings—fear, bewilderment, resentment, compassion, and mournfulness.” (Etkind, 2013, 30). For those who grew up in the Soviet republics which were on the subaltern position towards Russia, the mixture includes “political guilt, sentimental nostalgia, and apocalyptic mindset” (Ibid, 33). Etkind derives this formula from the analysis of Grossman’s novel Everything Flows, the protagonist in which recalls his childhood memories unfolding in the Caucasus, the land subjected to colonization by the imperial Russia and the enduring colonial practices during the Soviet time and beyond. I spent summers of my childhood in Ukraine, the country in many grievous entanglements with Russia; Summers here are about it. These feelings are familiar, but the affect that I lived are different. As much as guilt was present, there was denial."

I do not have nostalgic feelings about school: "Nostalgia is likely to emerge in connection to the memories of childhood, school years, family time, the blessed bygone are when our parents were young, the world was bigger, felt fresh, and trees were huge1. But I do not have any nostalgic feelings in connection to school."

Allegiance to nostalgia: "At the end of the Soviet times, young critics of Communism refused to wear ties. I, to the contrary, had been wearing my tie for longer than anyone else in class, longer than it was appropriate. Even teachers squinted at it, annoyed. It was my inverted resistance, directed, for some reason, at the new fashions, rather than past injustices. And, I think, it was my first pledge of allegiance to the all-encompassing, eternal nostalgia."

To evoke your nostalgia by describing my nostalgia is my goal: "Soviet nostalgia, Stalinist nostalgia, Mao nostalgia, and recently not admitted to the public spaces Nazi nostalgia, which seems to resurge, all coincide in the feeling: Life was far better during the past regime. You might have been killed but you were young; after all, you still might be killed, but you are no longer young. A collection of fleeting glances and interrupted shadows that I file, catalog, and number for my and, hopefully, your amusement, dear reader, is, for sure, endless. There is always something to elaborate upon, something to add, and something to retract. The politics of revocations and additions is complex. A non-intentionality of this phenomenological project is absolute and exceeds itself. I am trying to convey the value of valueless objects, a preciousness of things that are nothing in your eyes. Things are just present; they do not necessarily do anything except for making you understand me. I was swung in the cradle of ruins; I fetched debris out of the nonexistent and the unimportant. For an observer. All I want is to make you love my debris the way I loved it. My only intent is to contaminate your vision, to communicate the bittersweet disease of nostalgia for the world you did not know. To express longing for a never-existed past, for a number of glimmering pasts, in fact, contesting pasts which hint at the tournament of the futures. I want the world to conflagrate my slow exitless burning. I was born at the Parthenon of the Soviet civilization. I am an absolute cosmonaut, suspended in space, surviving the cosmic shipwreck. Hence the method: I do not document that much or situate it in any context, as I create an affective feel."

The work of nostalgia is transformative: "My mother and her friend’s braids, their heels, their modest chintz dresses add to my vision of Maidan Nezalezhnosti. This is the work of nostalgia transforming things and adding the second dimension to the reality."

Nostalgia is sickness: "With the social transformations that begin with the goal of ultimate obliteration of previously existing social relations and structures, many things die leaving next to no trace, which partly accounts for the severe forms of nostalgia for the Soviet times. Such nostalgia bears the semblance of homesickness, since a former Soviet citizen, never mind her allegiances, is displaced even having never transgressed the borders of the country. She did not go anywhere; instead, the borders in one moment trembled and shifted under her feet. One day hundreds of thousands of Russians found themselves living abroad without moving, and everyone had awakened in a different country altogether."

Apart from the nostalgia for the USSR, there is a wide-spread nostalgia in Russia for the 1990s, the time of social transformation: "Many of those who were young during the 1990s, recollect the time with nostalgia and regret, others, with horror or simply grudgingly, but most remember gazillions of details comprising the zeitgeist."

Ostalgie: "Oustalgie can refer to different aspects of Soviet experiences not only pertaining to the East Germany but to the former Soviet space in general."

Indulging in nostalgia is a method: "Indulging in nostalgia might become a method of understanding it—all the more alluring since it is predetermined to be imprecise. Ruins do not offer the full story, only hint at it and thus allow the observer to inhabit it, “to experience historicity affectively, as an atmosphere” (Boym, 2001, 15)."

Pages 152-158 devoted to nostalgia.

Then "nostalgia" largely disappears, although does a work because it is used to classify things along the lines of what they trigger: "Nostalgia is easily triggered by taste, smell, memory of disappeared texture (hand cream). From Proust’s famous madeleines, the connection of the taste and memory has been well established: "She set out for one of those short, plump little cakes called 'petites madeleines,' which look as though they had been moulded in the fluted scallop of a pilgrim's shell. And soon, mechanically, weary after a dull day with the prospect of a depressing morrow, I raised to my lips a spoonful of the tea in which I had soaked a morsel of the cake. No sooner had the warm liquid, and the crumbs with it, touched my palate than a shudder ran through my whole body, and I stopped, intent upon the extraordinary changed that were taking place." (Proust, Swann’s Way, 2012, page number)"

Caitlin's nostalgia: "My colleague Caitlin once remarked that during her fieldwork in Lebanon she could not even begin smelling the lemon trees, and I was greatly surprised: “How so? One could not choose, usually, whether to smell or not.” Olfactory sensations impose themselves on the preceptor. “But I mean, for someone it would be easy,” she replied. “Someone would say, maybe, ‘My grandma had lemon trees in her garden,’ but not I. My grandma did not have lemon trees, you know. That’s why when I was talking with that woman, and she was sharing with me her nostalgia, all the evocations that lemon trees had to her, I was not going along. She was only two years older than me and could not possibly remember the civil war in Lebanon; it was imprinted upon her, along with the lemon trees’ smell. I found it was hard to situate myself in the same mode evoked just by the lemon trees.”..."I was failing to be in this nostalgia with her.” Caitlin explained."

Nostalgia is evoked by audio and sound: "Nostalgia is triggered and propagated by the audio, by sound. Alexei Yurchak describes how compact radio transmitters brought to life new socialities deterritorializing the grand Soviet narrative (Yurchak, 2006, page numbers)."

We can make ourselves experience nostalgia: "Nostalgia is a reenactment, a reproduction of scenes that have been repeating. Nostalgia could be spontaneous, but it could also be deliberate. One sets herself out for the pleasant and poignant experience of recollection, and the listener signed themselves in to be reminded or enlightened, by virtue of being present with their cup of coffee with petals."

Photography is one of those technologies that reproduce nostalgia: "If the music, being a sound, and not unlike taste or texture, store nostalgia, if everyday technologies and the yesteryear technological advancements that rapidly go out of circulation can produce nostalgia, photography will be one of these technologies."

Family photography perhaps more than other types of photography has a potential to evoke nostalgia: "Perhaps Soviet family photographs will communicate to the attentive observer something about photographs in general, as well as about nostalgia, the imperial, the ephemeral, and the empyrean."

Nostalgia can be a powerful market motivator: "As if playing this game or possessing the object today would have given the former player or owner the sense of the days of childhood perhaps returning. All too often the first urge upon recollection of something long gone is to seek reacquisition. That’s why nostalgia is not only a feeling, a state of mind, or complex affect, but it can be a powerful market motivator."

Nostalgia turns terrible things into great memories: "Nostalgia turns terrible things into great memories."

Digital nostalgia (not a developed concept).

Nostalgia can be exploited by the state and by the agents active on the market: "Doubtlessly, Longing for Sleep project is not the only project exploiting the nostalgia for the Soviet times, debris “too worthless to plunger” (Brown, 2015) reframed as “another man’s treasure” are everywhere you look. (Examples include Crêpe De Chine and Georgette crepe “vintage-looking” fabric patterned in the Soviet style—in huge wide-branching flowers; ice cream rebranded as the “Soviet plombir (ice cream) sold in Russia and beyond, and something else perhaps I could use here.) All of it shows that nostalgia is the good to be sold, that nostalgia is turnable into money; it is able to bring revenue, and generate different communities, be it a huge and hard to define community of the “Soviet ice cream” eaters, or a refined little community of the former Soviet blankets’ wearers."

Nostalgia comes in surges: "Some two years before that, in one particularly unbearable surge of nostalgia, I searched the Internet for this lamp and found it, to my amazement, for sale on eBay."

Another two pages on nostalgia: 248-249

Of nuclear threat and its now almost-nostalgic affect: "What once was disturbing becomes merely nostalgia-inducing even if the threat itself did not vanish."

The post-Soviet nostalgia is syncretic: ). "In 2015, in Moscow people spotted (and there was a news item about it) that the high-school graduates sported the Soviet-school-style dresses, but the aprons were cut into the dresses. No way to take the apron off. It appeared to me that there was something symbolic about it: the apron as a part of the dress was a perfect metaphor for the Soviet nostalgia: it combined the previously familiar elements into the totally new whole, the order of things was rearranged the way it has not worked before. The syncretic nature of the Soviet nostalgia was thus revealed. One thing that does not belong attached to another, centaurus hybridized with griffin, the deer wearing the cherry tree for antlers, Stalin framed as a Christian saint, use the German photographs to illustrate the narrative about the heroism of the Red Army, and all of it for the purposes of reaching the authentic is, evidently, the common principle of the plastic restoration, the imperial nostalgia that does not really want the past restored, but merely toys with some of its aesthetic elements the meaning of which it nonetheless discounts and to the separate existence of which it refuses to attend."

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1 “When the Trees Were Tall,” the film by Lev Kulidzhanov, produced in 1961.

#nostalgia #Etkind #Yurchak #USSR #Soviet project #Boym #anthropology #affect

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dxmedstudent · 5 years

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What is your opinion on the replacement of core medical training with three years of Internal Medicine Training? It also seems that more specialty training programmes will include dual certification in internal medicine. Do you think that this means that registrars (from specialties such as neurology) who previously would not have been on the general medical take now will now have to act as med reg?

Oh boy. Hmm... I’ve been discussing this a bit with my juniors, particularly the FY2s, as they’ve been getting much more information about it than I have- being stuck on the old system, people assume it doesn’t interest you. So I’ve only heard a bit about it directly. I’ve been meaning to do some digging around it, but given that it doesn’t affect me, I haven’t gotten around to that research just yet. In theory it should be similar; that third year is meant to be the same kind of ST3 (baby registrar) year, it just happens on a different training programme. I’ve not heard that new regs will be treated all that differently, though it would be nice to think they might get a bit more support. I’m going to have to wait and see what happens in reality.

My FY2 colleagues tell me they will have to do more clinics than I already have to; which concerns me because even with one job having most of the clinic sessions required rota’d in, it could still be a struggle for me to get the rest. Fortunately, my current job comes with a weekly clinic, but most people’s gen med jobs are low on clinic, and high on juniors being spread so thin on the ground that you can’t really get thinner. I’m just worried that the only way to give people that many clinics is going to have to mean timetabling them, and that we might not have the juniors on the ground for that. don’t get me wrong; I’d love if SHOs had structured clinics; it’d change the fact that, as one of my fave med regs described it, being a medical SHO is basically just learning to be the best FY1 you can be, until BOOM, you’re suddenly a med reg. I’d love to see more structured seniority with support for juniors; acknowledging that they really aren’t just jobs monkeys. I sometimes struggle with that aspect myself because I’ve so often never had a junior (even as a training SHO) that now I have an FY1 who likes to maintain the list and I’m not expected to do the TTOs, it’s really weird? The advice to ‘let your FY1 handle the ward whilst you pop to clinic’ is no longer a remotely realistic one, when by now most departments already have staffing levels that require you to be around. I know people who only got their minimum by coming in on their days off to get clinics done; and it shouldn’t be that way. I hold, firmly, that everything we need for training should be realistically achievable in work hours, and I resent that many people feel pressured into quietly letting it take over their life. Because the other option is to be flagged up as struggling or to be forced to train for more time, and a lot of people are afraid of that. Even though more time is sometimes the best thing to make it manageable.

My juniors do tell me that they will have less signoffs and if it’s true that’ll make their lives easier. Because under the current system, trying to find (and get signed off for) cases that link to some very specific stuff is a real headache. It *can* be done, but I don’t know a CMT trainee whose mental health didn’t take a dip during the times they were frantically getting everything together. Even the people I knew who were simply partners of CMTs spent a lot of the time making worried noises about their other half’s mental health, for good reason. So yeah, I hear neurology trainees will indeed be on the med reg rota for a while, but that doesn’t surprise me. Because the med reg rota is (and has probably always been) pants, and most people suspect a lot of the rejigging is to keep bums on seats on the medical SHO and registrar rota. They’ve been doing that for a while, and it’s a frustrating thing in that some people leave IM or acute medicine for very good reasons, and being the med reg doesn’t suit everyone. For example, derm really wouldn’t be a good candidate to put on the med reg rota, and I’m still surprised that things like rheumatology and neurology spend time on the med reg rota. Not that the knowledge they gain isn’t useful. I suspect giving more joint accredditation (acute medicine is another popular add on, I believe), is at least partly a way to increase acute team staffing, though no doubt joint accredditation does give lots of people more flexibility for their future jobs. However, when I see changes to training or jobs, I find it hard to believe that it’s not driven by pressures to staff departments, rather than our cohort’s desire for job flexibility. Though more bums on seats might make the med reg rota less horrific, (more docs would mean less oncall shifts per doc, and potentially less understaffing) it still wouldn’t make your average day as a med reg less horrific. Maybe it’s the truly maddening swamped DGH shifts I’ve gone through alongside my med regs that make mewary; but those would stay mostly the same. If A&E is rammed and your wards are staffed less than ideally, the med reg will still be mopping up a lot of stress from all sides. So I’d be wary of putting lots of specialties on the gen med rota, as it might just put people off those specialties. A lot of people flock to particular specialties because they do less (or no) time on the gen med rota, and therefore it attracts individuals who aren’t really into acute medicine or who don’t really enjoy the chaos of being med reg. Which is fine, because, say, a dermatologist? Doesn’t need to be an acute medic to do their job well. But if you made their job require gen med, you’d be taking them out of the clinic where they learn what they need, to learn stuff that doesn’t really apply much to their job in reality. Since you wouldn’t expect your dermatologist to deal with acute medicine. But given staffing being what it is I suspect there’s going to be more fiddling around with the duties different specialties have. I don’t know what direction things are going to go in, and as a current hospital medic deciding their path, it’s giving me a lot of thought.

I don’t know exactly what the best way would be to change training for the better, and I’m not 100% sure this new training pathway will help. It’s a tough ask, and I don’t really envy the person who has to decide, because they have to deal with the needs of hospital staffing as well as the doctors whose training it is. Ultimately, I have strong mixed feelings about training , but if it decreases the demands on trainees, in order to focus on what is deemed more relevant to the next step fo their career, it could be good, as long as what it expects is realistically achievable. We’ll have to see. Any FY2s here got any info on this that I’m not yet privy to?

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