Bad Teachings (Pt. 17)
Older! Miguel O'Hara x Reader
WARNINGS: Sexual language, mild smut, masturbation, awkward situations, a bit of Miguel on Dad mode, Angst, depictions of nightmares, bonding time, emerging fears, relationship doubts, mild character background depiction, comfort towards the end.
Summary: The cracks in Miguel's past begin to widen.
A/N: Sorry in advance :'). (feedback much appreciated ❤️✨) I DO NOT AUTHORIZE my works to be translated or updated to other platforms without permission. Thanks to my beta reader @oharasmommymilkers00 ❤️
Previous
Chapter's song:
Let me show you.
Those words had forever marked your brain with Miguel's watermark forever, claiming almost every bit of you for himself.
Not only he showed you, but also taught you many things.
How to kiss, how to properly sleep in his chest, and how to address him from now on.
Amor.
He was your sunshine. You ray of hope, your light in the darkest days, your savior when everything had crumbled apart. The bandage and glue of your bleeding heart, your life teacher and now all yours.
And still, you couldn't help but feel like a total fool at lost on what to do. The relationship was a blank canvas awaiting to be painted with so many new emotions and experiences created by both, to create the Opus Magna of yourselves.
You held the brush, and Miguel guided you through the strokes. That kiss was the base from everything, the beginning of a beautiful work in progress.
Ever since you kissed, it was like adoration, devotion and commitment had entered your world, foreign words added to your life's dictionary. And as the ever good teacher he was, he made sure for you to understand each one of their concepts.
The first thing he had been teaching you was commitment. He committed to come home to you, to keep himself healthy, to make you smile in every chance he got, and also, a must, he was committed to give you a breathtaking kiss whenever you smiled. Which was often.
And it had only been a couple of days ever since you decided to take his invitation. There was no room for regret, no room for what ifs when you were experiencing first hand what was like to be his.
Hands on you, roaming every romantic line of your form with such care and gentleness it made every pore of your skin to sing in delight. A brief call during lunch break to check on you, to ask you what you wanted for dinner, and just to hear your voice really.
He gave a gentle rub on your feet, despite ending up a bit annoyed that you were a bit too ticklish, after you came home, exhausted from work, which in return you prepared his lunch and gave a massage on his scalp before he drifted off to sleep.
The way he held you while sleeping spoke volumes. He'd always end up being the big spoon, a lazy hand hanging on your supple hips, his arm underneath your head, bicep acting like your own pillow, perfect for accesibly cradling your head for your morning kiss. Your thigh would hook on his hip, and your arm would slide underneath whatever side he faced you with, doing your best to snuggle him closer.
He'd nuzzle your neck while stirring awake, peppering your face with small kisses on the side of your cheek. He'd squeeze and breath you in, as if receiving his daily dose of endorphins in those single actions alone, they rioted as you blinked the grogginess away and immediately graced his day with a sweet and bashful smile.
"Morning, mi niña."
You curled into his chest, and groaned happily, relishing in his warmth.
"Good morning, amor."
He nearly melted at your pet name, specially when he taught you how to pronounce it correctly. He'd ask you to repeat the word over and over, just to hear you calling him that.
"Gotta go run."
You groaned and curled on him like a tiny marsupial both hands around his neck, leg unabashedly ontop of his waist.
"Can I be selfish for today and ask you to stay in bed with me?"
His hands caressed your hair, twirling a strand of it in his hands, he smiled.
"You want me to stay?"
"Please? It's kinda cold outside and bed gets colder when you leave."
You murmured in sleepy breaths and Miguel chuckled.
"Sólo porque tú me lo pides." (Just cause you ask me to)
You hummed as his fingertips massaged your scalp in soft moves that had you melting, sending you back to sleep.
-----
After what it felt like forever, your day eventually started, He didn't go for a run, but welcomed your day with a hearty breakfast and a cup of freshly brewed coffee.
You talked, washed the dishes together, then you took a shower and prepared for work.
Although the campaign had been marching smoothly, there were some things that needed to be addressed as soon as possible so you could focus on your area. Deadlines were approaching, and you knew how persistent Julius could get.
Miguel joined you a couple of minutes later, coffee mug on hand, and a stack of papers and his usb on the other.
"Got the information you needed from the marketing area"
"You did?! My goodness, finally I'll get Julius out of my ass. Thank you." You pecked his lips as he gave you the memory card.
"Is he overbearing?" He put his glasses on, to then stack up the papers, a pencil nested in his hand, small and frail between his fingers.
Your eyes couldn't help but look at his hands. "Not really, he's just been stressed lately"
Roughed up, calloused, veins with a purple shade that nested under his cinnamon skin. A pair of limbs you loved feeling, specially when he held you at night or caressed your body.
He chuckled, "You're staring."
"'Course I am. You have the prettiest hands I've seen."
You slid yours in between his, tangling fingertips while you snapped a picture of them together. Unlike your photo with Simon, your hand wasn't just laying there, looking pretty. They held onto Miguel's, on each other's. His fingers enveloped yours tenderly.
" What should we caption this?"
"Caption?"
You nodded while giving the image some brief retouches and finishes.
"What about... Nosotros?"
"Noso-truhs?"
He smirked at your little mishap but nodded.
"What does that means?"
"Us."
Oh
Your heart leaped and your stomach did a pirouette. The implicit confirmation of your situationship finally came clear. You were together.
"I like it."
His touch lingered, his warmth was always inviting. To your surprise he took your hand and gave a kiss on the back of your palm.
When you met again after work, there wasn't an hour he didn't kiss your hands, showered your head with pecks or touched you. As much as you wanted to keep revelling in each other's sweet affections, work demanded your whole attention.
He got to scribble some numbers and do calculations, your eyes couldn't help but dart towards what he was working on. A hospital's logo in the upper corner, he flipped the page.
The document, the bill, to be more precise; seemed an old and regular thing he checked, as some folding lines were too marked on the worn paper. He even hummed, apparently satisfied as the numbers he was doing seemed to match in his scribbles.
You focused on the files on your screen, and connected his drive to your computer, files copying by default. You then searched for the reports he mentioned and sent them to Julius.
One more thing out of the way.
Silence was comfortable. You pulled the drive out and poured the file into a copy of the whole work itself, to your surprise, there was a video file that remained outside the archive.
"Didn't know they had done videos already", Miguel snapped his attention to you, heart pounding in slow motion as you made click on the icon.
"¡No, no, no, no, Espera! Don't-"
Shit
"What-" Your hand froze mid air, upon seeing the contents of the video. Eyes widening impossibly big, cheeks warming up to the point of reaching your ears. He tried to pause the reel, but the video player got stuck and locked when he ripped the trinket from the port.
"Shit..."
Your giggles turned into soft moanings as they filled in the space, while Miguel rubbed his face, a faint dash of pink in his ears.
Fuck...
Your hands fisted on your lap, the video played, your heart thrummed violently under your ribs, gaze unable to tear from the screen.
Is this how you looked back then?
Hips urgent, riding your own hand, mouth agape, totally drowning in the swirling sensations that made your hand to squeeze at your breast, panting and biting your lip. The video shut off right when you were about to come undone.
The footage stopped in an erotical frame of you. Eyes closed, cheeks flushed, one hand toying with your taut nipple, pulling it softly as your other hand buried itself within the baby blue cotton panties that leeched off the silhouette of your hand as it got lost between your legs. A few loose strands of hair adorning your enraptured and wanton face. Heavenly pornographic, needy and way too pretty.
Screen blinked and a 404 error before it shut off and restarted.
"Gave you the... the wrong one, sorry." The urgency in his tone and his constant hair pulling had his anxiety shooting for the stars.
He put the usb on his side of the table and you swallowed. Trying to process what just happened
"Uh..."
"You weren't supposed to get that one"
"You've... kept that video this whole time?"
He studied your expression, revealing nothing but curiosity, surprise and embarrassment in tandem of a dash of smugness. In all honesty, you thought he had deleted it right away, turning it into a piece of lost media.
"Can't really blame me for such thing. Not when it was what started it all."
"I'm not. Just surprised you've kept it that long."
Plump lips stretched in a bashful smile, he wasn't one for consuming porn on a regular basis, and if he did, he'd look for the basics, but would always end up re-watching your piece. Nothing could really compare the need it created, the envy he drowned in for not being your hand in that moment.
Two years and a couple months of getting off to that video, the only tangible proof of your presence in his life before you vanished into thin air. He had gotten used to your attention. And now he had it completely, his lids drooped as he hovered over your sitting form. Caging you between his body and the couch.
"What else have you kept from me?"
"Besides that?"
He pecked your lips and you gave a soft bite on his bottom lip, nodding at his inquiry. It was true that it had taken you by surprise, but you couldn't help but feel flattered, it gave your confidence a boost to know he somehow had kept this memento.
"Some lovely pictures I took on my own."
"Oh?" You giggled as his lips kissed yours, hands planting on each side of your thighs. Some of his strands of hair mixing with yours ontop. "Show me."
"Gotta earn that, preciosa" He crooned over your lips.
Your eyes rolled and his kisses toured towards your neck, inhaling your lovely smell. One of his hands left a warm trail over your torso and tummy until it hovered above the junction of your inner thighs.
"How?" you husked in between nervous giggles, breath caught in your throat as his fingers dipped past the elastic band of your sweatpants and panties, but stopped, giving you a last look, searching for permission.
"I told you I'd show you, didn't I?" He smiled while staring, crooked upper row teeth biting at the bottom muscle for a second, "Let me."
And you nodded, granting him permission with a brief kiss.
Pupils went wide blown as the rough pad of his fingertips skimmed over the outer labia, cupping the flesh in a soft and gentle motion. Warm breath fanned over his neck and chin, shaky. His eyes closed as a low gutural growl rumbled in his chest upon feeling you.
His face hid in the crook of your neck, nuzzling the tip of his nose against your pulsating body.
"Brings me so much memories."
A coy laugh escaped your lips as he retrieved his hand back and pulled you up, With a movement he twirled you and pushed you towards the couch, making your digs to kneel in the cushioned surface as he pressed his frame behind yours, engulfing you.
Hands instinctively held on the couch's sturdy frame. Miguel nipped at your shoulder, his fangs grazing the junction of your nape and shoulders. One of his hands snaked underneath your shirt, taking a quick but proper feel of your breast, this made you titter.
"You laugh when you're nervous." he murmured while dipping his hands back inside your panties. One of your hands hovered above you, draping over his nape, this made him pick your shirt and put a piece of the hem on your mouth.
"Hold it."
A shiver electrified your spine, you bit your shirt as your breast were free, big and calloused hand immediately trapped one as the fingers of his other limb, dipped between your folds, caressing the hardening and throbbing bundle of nerves.
Your hips pressed against his, it earned you a kiss on your temple.
"Go on, my hand is yours"
With a gentle push of his hips, he swayed your body forwards, a shy gasp erupted from you as his fingers grazed your clit with a bit more of pressure. Your body sung with a strange yet familiar sensation.
How long had it been without any sort of sexual performance besides your own hands? Certainly alot. Miguel was the last one to bed you. And the only one your body obeyed.
Your eyes closed shut when his fingers played a deft tune with your wetness, ebbing you to move forward, without shame. His gaze studying your pleasured face as he tweaked one of your nipples.
With a deep breath, you sank your hips on his hand, taking a proper feel of his hand. Deliciously warm, rough and providing enough texture to send jolts through your spine.
"There she goes" he crooned while pressing two of his fingers tighter on your moving cunt. A soft and wet thwip
came as he prodded the outside of your hole. He teased enough to have your swaying motion increasing. The holding bite on your shirt long gone.
Heat pooled on his fingers as you rode his hand. Your phalanges held his arm in place. A groan flew out of your lips, and it was the perfect chance for him to kiss you, deeply and just the way you both liked it while slowly, pushing his two fingers inside you, drowning the whimper that had his chest rumble with a groan.
He poked in enough to have your slit teased, and aching for something bigger to take you, like you were meant to.
He knew you liked it rough. And as your crevice parted to exhale, he seized the chance to kiss you.
Hungrily, breathlessly and full of need. Like if your life depended on each other's lips. His fingers prodded deep enough to not make you feel uncomfortable, rather provoke you enough to have you sputtering sensual babbles and blown moans.
"Just like that, mi amor?" His voice dropped an octave lower, a bit of shakiness in it as he moved his hand faster, focused on the gentle yet speedy motions on your clit and nipples, your jaw slacked open .
"Mig-" You gasped upon feeling the tension coiling up in a tight knot, every pore of your body sung in need and delight. Awaiting to fall in the scrumptious abyss of pleasure you had been missing and lacking for so long, because adult life happened.
Chest rose up and down erratically, until your body went taut, finally melting in his arms with a sweet cry it had him smirking, satisfied and proud. He still got it.
"Miguel!" You gasped as the tidal waves of pleasure, drowned you, Consuming every rational thought, except for one. More. You wanted and needed more.
More of him, you wanted it all. How not when he turned your dazed head towards him, making you watch him lick his glistening fingers clean, relishing in your taste.
"Me encantas tanto" Another kiss and you tasted yourself in the process, before he let you ride your high in his arms. You panted and groaned with every spasm your walls did. His hard on pressed in the back of your rear, hips immediately bucking against his.
"Let me help too." You whined
"Are you sure, preciosa?"
"Yes" Voice raspy but sweet, pleading for him.
There was nothing holding you back from taking each other. You were together.
And God, you'd enjoy him like he was enjoying you and your mouth, his hands ready for the second round as he gathered your shirt up, with intention of removing it. However his phone buzzed on the coffee table, interrupting the possibilities with name Burrito Parker on the screen.
The growl he gave, made your clit throb.
"Este pendejo..." He grumbled and his nose flared angrily, he fetched his phone, still holding onto a breathless you. He pressed the green icon, answering the call. Irked and clearly upset at the cock blocking his best friend provided
"The hell you want? "
Your eyes widened at his tone, but his softened upon hearing Peter and his petition. He let you go with a quick peck and went to the bathroom to wash his hands. He hung up after a minute of speaking.
All the racing thoughts were sapped out your body, replacing them with some self awareness. Cheeks grew warmer at the creeping shame.
"Uhm, everything alright?"
"Yeah. Just Parker being inconvenient. Need to find some of his books."
"Right. Uh... Do you need help?"
No answer. Just him shuffling among his things.
The doorbell rang ten minutes later, a surge of anxiety ran through your body. Miguel was busy in his room, and the ringing turned urgent as it dinged a second and a third time.
"I'll get it!" You gave your clothes a quick fix to then open the door. To your surprise, none other than Mr. Parker stood in your doorframe, the cherry on top was him holding a little girl, lovely and fiery ginger curls ontop of her chubby head, blue eyes looking at you curiously. Just like her father.
"Mr. Parker, hi." You hoped the blood rush in your cheeks had toned down.
"Hey... You." He smiled nervously, while accommodating the diaper bag on his shoulder. Blowing up his cover of not remembering you properly, but in all honesty it was better that way. Things were awkward as they were. Besides, not that you expected him to remember you either.
His daughter waved to you, you smiled and waved back.
"Uh, is Miguel here? I told him I was in my way."
"Oh! Sorry. Yeah, come in."
You closed the door behind him and he remained on the dining room, glad he didn't ventured in the place you were riding Miguel's hand moments ago.
"Would you like some water, Mr. Parker?"
"Uh, sure. Thanks."
You didn't waste time and headed for the kitchen, served him a tall glass of water.
"¿Amor?" Miguel's voice rumbled from the room, heavy steps approached, "Who knocked-"
Miguel stopped upon seeing Peter, dressed up in a button shirt, pants and shoes. The typical to-go college teacher outfit, that seized him with a confused look between him and you. Trying to put two and two together. His eyes widened a bit upon it all clicking in his mind.
Miguel just deadpanned, a look Peter would translate into a 'You used your brain, congrats."
You got Peter his water, he quenched his thirst and held his girl close. Neither of you expected him to get here so quickly. Miguel specially.
"Did you find the books?" Peter asked as you witnessed the exchange between them. Mr. Parker handed his baby to Miguel, which the little girl seemed comfortable enough to the point of giving him an uneven toothy grin while trying to get a hold of his hair, followed by the diaper bag.
Miguel gave a couple of books that undoubtedly were the ones he used for his class back in college
"Sorry to ask you for this out of the sudden, MJ is in a meet and greet, and the nanny cancelled us last minute." Peter mumbled while double checking the insides of the bag. "Mayday just ate, she'll have her nap soon, make sure to not feed her avocados, they make her crap smellier. And-"
"Parker."
Peter rubbed his neck, exhaling, managing his own anxiety.
"Cálmate. It's just a couple of hours. Go to your lecture."
"Right. you're right. She'll be fine. I'll be back as soon as I finish. Call me or MJ if something happens or if she's too uncomfortable."
Peter gave Mayday a quick kiss on the cheek. "Be good with Uncle Miguel, ok?"
Your old teacher left with the books before throwing you a polite smile. Leaving curiosity and confusion behind.
Mayday pointed to the door where Parker had just left.
"Your papa? He'll be back soon. Don't worry, I've got you, Calabacita." His lips arched into a soft yet knowing smile.
His fingers tickled Mayday's tummy, earning a squealing giggle from her. His hands fixed the spider hero themed beanie ontop of her head.
His eyes turned to you, standing on the spot, watching him with unbelieving and curious eyes. He smirked
"What? Never seen a baby before?"
Your lips pursed and your brows puckered softly. "Rude. But I have. Didn't know you were good with them, though, or that Mr. Parker could be quite... responsible."
Miguel just pressed his lips into a tightened expression, but Mayday's giggle had his attention back to her. Her feet kicked enough to make Miguel to put her on the floor, she immediately crawled enthusiastically towards you, but the bright colors of your drives sprawled on the floor diverted her attention towards the trinkets.
Yours and Miguel's alarms flared when she approached them. Miguel quickly picked her up, earning another squealing giggle from her while trying to get a hold of the tech junk.
"I kinda can see it, though..." You mumbled in between a stifled laugh.
"What?"
"She's definitely Mr. Parker's daughter."
Miguel hissed as Mayday, pulled some strands of his hair while climbing ontop of his shoulders. "No me digas. Ow, Mayday, Espérate-" (No shit. Hold on)
His hands tried to grab her only for thw toddler to roll on and fall on his hands.
"Oh my god!" You gasped as he caught her flawlessly. Heart pounding so hard it got him tittering at your panicked reaction.
"Tranquila, she loves trust falling."
"Isn't that dangerous?!"
Miguel beckoned you closer as he cradled Mayday on his arms, an excited beam on the baby's face.
"Hold her for a minute, Need to get the bed done so she can sleep her nap properly."
"What? No, I haven't held a baby ever since I was twelve!"
"It's not rocket science, mi amor. Just make sure to hold her head and support her spine."
"But-"
Miguel shushed as he put Mayday gently on your arms, rearranging your limbs in a secure way to hold her accordingly. Her head rested in your palm, as you supported her spine by holding the rest carefully in your arms.
"See? Now you know."
He disappeared for a moment, the shuffling in his bed echoed through the room, as you stared at Mayday. She definitely had Peter's eyes and behavior, the hair definitely belonged to her mother. It was incredible how time passed by.
Seeing Mr. Parker was quite the surprise, he only looked a bit more roughed up, but was the same gentle soul he met back in your student days. And now you were holding his baby in your arms.
Miguel's head peeked out from the hall, watching you with amusement and fondness. It was clear you didn't know your way around children like he did. And still, you did your best, even though you looked like you'd beat Mayday in a staring contest.
Big and blue round eyes stared at you, tiny hands taking a feel of your already warming face while keeping a gentle hold on her. Exactly like Miguel had left you.
"Hey." You mumbled and Mayday cooed, limbs already on your hair, taking a good feel of your strand's texture.
And that was precisely why Peter asked him to look after Mayday, a little exchange of favours as Peter looked after Gabi back at the hospital when there was an urgent meeting with the lab directors in charge of Gabriella's case. In dire need of good news.
Miguel had been genuinely happy for Peter when he somehow confessed he was also being a father. The latter was mindful of his loss, but Miguel was the only one Peter trusted in at the time.
Your lover retrieved Mayday and accommodated her in his chest, rubbing her back gently in small circles as air flew out of her mouth in the shape of burps and yawns.
"How old is she?" You picked up the diaper bag as Miguel walked back to his room, rocking the baby girl to sleep.
"Two and a half. There's a small plush in the bag. Get it for me, please."
You unzipped said thing open and there was a small plush animal in it. A pig dressed in a Spiderman suit. It was handed to Mayday, which cuddled with it immediately.
"You know her very well."
"I've been her godfather ever since she turned six months."
You sat on the bed's edge, looking at the small nest he had made, a pillow on each side a space he'd put Mayday in.
He was a natural when it came to handle kids, no wonder why teaching came so in handy with this behavior. It also made you wonder about the kid's brush, and other items you had definitely seen but now were gone. What he had done with them? More importantly, what had happened?
But of course, those answers weren't for you yet, despite reaching a whole new level in your relationship. Talking about children was out of the equation, yet there he was, being a temporary father figure to a little girl that needed him. And he delivered, tenfold.
Making your curiosity even harder to keep under the leash. You left the room, letting him to do what he did best, you had no business in there. If anything you were only doing a moral support and watching how to tame a mini human.
Sitting before your computer, you organized a bunch of loose papers sprawled on the table, but your mind was too alive and taking even more consciousness to try and focus on your work. Instead it focused on Miguel and this newly found side of him you had the privilege to witness in it's full glory.
He seemed relaxed, like if parenting was another type of breathing, happy even.
Your guts churned with an emerging question.
What if he wants a family in a future?
You swallowed hard as a bubbling wave of anxiety made your brain juggle with so many questions as time ticked on.
Would he want you the same if a family wasn't in your plans? What if he didn't? What if he found someone else that did? What if-
"Mi niña?"
Your heart nearly busted out of your chest, you blinked the brewing tears away, clearing your throat as you poured your regained focus on your work after what it felt like forever.
"Yeah?" He arched a bushy eyebrow
"What do you mean, yeah? It's, yes, amor?, for you."
You chuckled, almost imperceptibly and this made him frown now.
"Is Mayday asleep?"
He hummed as he sat next to you, his frame swallowing the space right away. It brought you back when you were at your apartment, and he was assembling the shelf while apologizing.
"She gets sleepy easily. Taught that trick to Parker."
"I see..." You mumbled barely a whisper.
"What's wrong?"
"What do you mean what's wrong?"
Miguel reached for one of your hands and squeezed it between his. His elbow rested on his knee.
"To starters, you're not looking at me, something you do when you're conflicted. Secondly, your nose," He poked it softly, "is getting red, meaning you were about to cry, which leads me to think, something must've affected you since you were over thinking." He chuckled.
"You get this... gone look when doing it. And finally, your screen is still locked and you took my share of papers, mi niña."
You groaned while resting your head on his bicep, he kissed your temple.
"Well, you said it. I'm conflicted and over thinking."
"About?"
"I'm not that sure if I can approach this... topic since you said it was out of question."
Miguel just squeezed a bit tighter your hand, and sighed. His other hand removing a stray strand of hair out of your face. Mahogany eyes quizzical and cunning.
"Well, I guess it all will depend on what you're asking."
"No" You blinked, "No. If it makes you uncomfortable even in the slightest, I won't bring it up."
"Took me a while to learn this the bad way, but, awkward talks are part of any relationship and you're clearly upset. If I can, I will fix it. And if it's a too personal question, I will tell you, alright?. Now spit it out before I make you."
He nipped at the tip of your earlobe, earning a bashful giggle from you.
"Okay, okay!" You sighed, nerves eased a level down, and you took his hand while his keen gaze took you in, "Seeing you with that baby made me think..."
His face fell before your pause, and you swallowed, "Would... Would you still want me if... I don't want children?"
His eyes rounded a chip wider as his mouth pursed. "What?"
"You looked... Happy when having Mayday in your arms. I hope it's not a problem or..." You frowned upon seeing his tense reaction, "Sorry... God I'm so dumb. I'm so so sorry."
Hands immediately let his go, to cover your face.
"Hey." He pried your hands away and his heart sunk upon watching you all glossy eyed. "Mírame."
You shook your head.
"Mi amor." His tone as usual, gentle but firm. His thumb and index finger took a hold of your chin to look at him.
"You told me this before, remember? You don't need to explain your reasons to me. You don't owe me anything of that." His thumb moved to wipe away the tears that menaced to escape.
That's the least of things I think about.If honest?... I've..." His Adam's apple, bobbed nervously, unsure of unlocking even superficially that chapter of his life he always skipped and tried to bury, but even so, his shoulders slumped, almost defeated, "Parenting is not for everyone. It's hard and... painful."
You frowned upon feeling his hand squeezing you tighter, as if seeking to ground himself.
"Great... Now I've made you upset because of my-"
"Stop, mi amor" he warned gently, "This... your fear, will not change anything, ok?"
"Promise? I know... it's too soon to be discussing this, and I'm sorry if-"
"God, you do apologize too much. Come here."
He silenced your fears with a sincerity tasting kiss. There wasn't any hidden words or meanings behind what he said, his eyes didn't lie too.
"The only thing you need to worry about is hiding my marks once Peter returns for Mayday"
----
The sterile stench he learned to hate took Miguel by the throat, the beeping machines that dictated a steady pulse echoed louder the more he ventured in the white walls of his second home.
He knew them by heart, but for unknown reasons he kept turning in the apparently wrong direction, and ended up in the beginning of the maze.
No, no, no! Go right again!
His heart pumped almost painfully, his breathings laboured as he now sprinted, through the narrow halls that thinned the more he tried to run, as if they were preventing him to reach the end.
The machine's beeping turned erratic the more he approached, like his breathings.
"Papa?"
He swallowed hard, fist tightened on his sides for a minute, eyes impossibly wide as the door he knew the spots and details of, opened on it's own.
"Papa! Help me!"
The echo of his heart pulsed through his body, making it tremble as his lungs clenched, hindering his attempt to properly breath.
How?
His throat tightened in a knot. The urge to scream and beg only increased tenfold as he saw the ever familiar staff rushing in his little girl's room.
Gabriella
It was like if one hand, then another one grabbed him, held him back, He thrashed, but the more he fought, the more he was held back. Bound to watch his biggest failure as a scientist and father, play on repeat and 4K resolution.
"Papa!"
Her voice called, demanding for his presence in her thinning existence. But he refused to be an spectator, not this time. He'd do things differently, he had to.
"No! It hurts! Papa!"
Bile rose up his throat upon hearing Gabriella's pleas and cries, she had grown terrified of needles. He had to fight, against the weakening beepings, against the million of hands that held him back, against a diagnose that was now poisoning the little hopes he had left.
He tried, with every fiber of his being, to step forward, but unseen forces retained him, a gravel like voice growled behind him
"No"
He looked behind his shoulder, eyes injected with despair and terror. Bloodshot and crimson eyes stared back at him, his own silhouette hovered over him, like an overgrown shadow, towering over him, menacingly and preventing him to go further.
SHE NEEDS ME!
Miguel begged.
The bleary-eyed scientist, gasped for air, agonizing, grovelling to the door, ignoring the hands that dragged, scratched and pulled his hair back, doing their best to stop him
Please...
The constant pulse in the machine had weakened to the point of giving a wobbly beep every five seconds. His time was wearing off.
"No! Papi! No me dejes!" (Papa don't leave me)
Stop! Please!
The tears rolled, they still worked, Miguel believed them long dry and gone. His jaw clenched, despair gnawing at it's berated mind.
You're useless, O'Hara
The shadow spoke, as the beepings stopped. A deafening and dull monotone sound echoed through.
His eyes could only watch, unbelieving, glossy, shaky the previous doctors abandoning the room, a solemn look in their faces. Like the same day they found out what was wrong with his beloved Solecito's health.
Gabriella!
He cried, begged to enter that room, he'd give everything in his hands to bring her back, to see her one more time, to tell her how sorry he was. But none of that mattered, not when the forces released him, but focused in tearing apart the reality he was set in.
Each tear made his heart clench and race, he was too late when reaching for the door as he fell in the darkness' abyss.
He jerked awake with a doleful beat on his heart, erratic breaths polluted his lungs as his cheeks were soaked. Sweat etched in every pore of himself. Mouth soured and ashy tasting, swallowing hurted, his hair stuck to his face, hands were clammy.
The sterile stench still remained on his nose, like the steps when the doctors rushed in. He rubbed his face in a feeble attempt to wash away the fear
Another nightmare. He forced a deep exhale as he pinched the bridge of his nose. Nausea assaulting his stomach.
"Miguel?"
A hand on his lower back made his perturbed eyes to snap at the person before him. You. Sweet voice that grounded his rampant instability almost right away.
Concern etched in every muscle of your countenance, your hand warm, soothing. Not really caring for the sweat staining his back. Heart sinking upon watching him so distraught and frightened.
His hand traced your features, afraid that you'd slip out too. His breath hitched
"No te vayas..." (Don't go.)
You didn't have to understand that bit of spanish to understand his plea. In return, you cupped his face softly, and he nuzzled his face on your hands, relishing in the contact.
"I'm not going anywhere, Miguel."
You mumbled while combing carefully the unruly and soaked strands off his face, as they took shape in the way he always styled it.
His hands took a proper feel of you, too afraid that it was all part of the assailant nightmare. But you were there, flesh and bones, calling him to surrender into your comfort as you hugged him and cradled his head against your chest.
You're not alone anymore
"Mi amor." you mumbled and he clung to you. Leaning all his weight on your frame, even though he was hefty, you remained strong, for him. You anchored him.
"Do you want me to prepare you a cup of coffee?"
He shook his head, unable to utter properly a word. Throat too constricted and hurting to speak.
"Want to lay down?"
He didn't know what to do or reply. These episodes were usually spent alone, leaving none but himself to deal with his own fucked up psyche's aftermath.
He either stayed up until his alarm went off, or in the worst case scenario he'd knock himself out with sleeping pills or mezcal. Ruining his sober count days progress.
He heaved a deep exhale, as you enveloped him with your body, cradling him closer to you. He complied and rested his head on your chest, listening to the lullaby of your heart. Steady, grounding and very much alive.
You kept running your fingers through the drenched silky strands, easing the tension off his shoulders, and hopefully his mind too.
Peter had come for Mayday a couple of hours later, in the meantime you had to keep her busy and distracted from crying.
You had learned how to prepare a bottle, change a diaper and be more accessible to her, even play with Mayday. It was exhausting. But fun, Miguel had fun.
But now, you weren't that sure if it all had been a facade. His tossing and sleepy mumbles had awakened you, he seemed so distraught and fraught even in his sleep that made you wonder what kind of burden was eating his consciousness away.
There was remorse and pain, that seemed older than his own living years. That only made your heart sunk deeper, aching for him.
"You know you can speak to me, right?"
His eyes closed, giving himself a break from his surroundings.
"I know." He rasped.
"Whenever you're ready, that is."
He hoarded you in his arms and sighed.
He wanted to spill it all out to you, but it hurt too much. Still did, despite ten years passing in between, the wound was too fresh and his mind didn't cooperate with his attempts to make himself right.
But one thing was sure, he was no longer alone. He wasn't much a believer for coincidences, but you had came in a right moment in his life as dark times approached, his guardian angel.
You never judged him, he never felt pointed at whenever you were there. He felt at peace, and what other proof he needed when you gave him space to process everything? You didn't pressure him, but Miguel knew sooner or later he'd have to come completely bare to you.
But this time the thought didn't terrify him. Hopefulness nested within his chest. Slowly he drifted off too sleep, allowing for once, for someone else to watch over him in his sleep.
You draped the sheets over him, despite him being doused in sweat, the weather's cold mood didn't wane. Then kissed his forehead.
He wasn't alone. And you were set into proving him said words. Hopefully one day he'd be ready to explain your biggest concern and doubt.
Who was Gabriella?
------
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