With tears, words come flowing today.
This weekend has been particularly emotional. Friday marked the one-month anniversary of Tijgertje’s passing. I miss him every day, and sometimes it still feels unreal that he’s gone. I find it hard coming home and not finding him here. I can still feel my heart breaking a little every time I come home and realize he’s no longer here. Life is so strange without him.
Yesterday, I participated in a breathwork session with the intent of exploring why I continually face obstacles in life and which traumas contribute to this pattern. While somewhat intimidating, I believe the universe and its unfolding events have led me to this moment. I needed to experience this. Surprisingly, back on April 29, 2022, I wrote about this day in my dream journal after dreaming about someone literally tending to wounds in the palm of my hand. A person resembling the man in my dream has actually showed up in real life and was there with me yesterday as one of the breath work practitioners. Even the surrounding of the studio evoked a sense of déjà vu. As I write this, a sensation courses through my body. Furthermore, I’ve experienced synchronicities in the days before, during, and after the session.
At the session, there was an opportunity to try a microdose of mushrooms, and I decided to take it. I had always been curious about it, feeling the need to use it to relax and dive deeper into my emotions. At the start of the session they asked us to draw a card. Mine was about returning to a moment or state of bliss, something I had learned in therapy many years ago. Surprisingly, yesterday, my moment or place of bliss wasn’t where I had initially expected it to be in my mind. Instead, it was here at home, during a time when Suzy and Tijgertje were both alive and well. Afterward, when I looked at the art on the card, it felt like a confirmation of what had just occurred—a dark reflection, like gazing into the mirror of my soul.
Today, my writing has been a mix of memories and emotions, often in a scattered order as thoughts come and go. Tears poured from the depths of my soul during the breathing session, and even now, they surface at certain moments. In the coming days, I’ll work on piecing together the fragments of my life. My hope is to understand my needs better and find my path forward. While I often feel lost, maybe this journey will lead me to better places in life.
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Last updated: 160324
☆ suggestive themes/smut | ♡ fluff | ♤ angst | ♢ hurt/comfort
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Inspired by @bobfloydsbabe's wonderful FIC REC FRIDAY - go check hers out and spread the love ♥
banner & divider made by @bobfloydsbabe
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