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spearywritesstuff · 7 years

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Buried Hope: Coda 13x2

A not 100% angsty coda to last night’s episode. You can also read it on Ao3 Here.

Dean practically crawled out of that room. It was too much, the sight of Jack, what he did. And Dean knew he'd screwed things up again. When he had the Mark, he did something like what Jack did. He remembered the many ways he'd tried to end himself. Seeing Jack like that froze him up. He said the wrong things. Jack was just a child, if Sam was to be believed. It was what Dean had wanted to hear though, when he was in the same state.

It could have helped Jack. Dean knew though that it didn't, that he was wrong, that he should go back and say anything. He sucked at this sort of thing, grieving, losing, living. He was maybe entirely broken now if he was letting a kid go through that. And all he could offer him was death as comfort. Dean pressed his head to the wall and let the tears fall. He was alone in his room. No one needed to know what all of this was doing to him.

If Cas were here he'd fix this, things might make sense. "How am I supposed to do this?" He was tapping the wall with his forehead now. The motion repeating, faster and more frustrated. Dean realized he was praying to Cas, and that the prayer would never reach him. More tears came.

He didn't know what was right anymore. There seemed to be no point, no light at the end of the darkness, no reward or even peace. "I don't have any love left in me. You took it with you, you goddamn sonofabitch." Dean was losing it more and more. His face was a mess of tears now. His breathing came in rough gaps.

"Dean," Jack said as he walked slowly into the room.

"Leave," Dean said, quietly but with an edge that held a threat in it.

Clearly not seeing the situation for what it was, Jack took another step and said, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cause his death or my mother's death. I don't know how to fix that. I'm sorry I hurt you. I don't know how to fix that either."

"You can't fix shit, Jack." Dean hazarded a look at him past eyes that were swollen now from the crying he'd needed to do. Jack moved toward him, raising a hand. "Don't."

Jack ignored him and set his hand on Dean's shoulder anyway. "I can show you what he showed me."

"What do you mean?" Dean was a little afraid to ask, to engage even. Then Jack smiled, and that didn't help.

"Just look. You don't seem to know everything he thought of you. I think I can help with this." A warm rush of energy seemed to flow through him. Dean's hands curled into fists. He thought he should fight this. “Calm yourself. It won’t hurt.” Jack’s words seemed to come to him through a long, dark hall. Dean felt himself pulled into the vision which reminded him somewhat of the time that Cas showed him Purgatory.

Dean focused, and saw the vast field that was around them. He recognized it. Jack stood to his left, hand still settled on Dean’s shoulder. In front of them were Sam, Cas, and Dean. The moment was from over a year ago at least. Dean knew the moment well. They’d taken on a case, and Cas was with them. It was a small thing, nothing too hard. It was just the little sort of thing that they took care of between apocalypses.

Dean had wanted to make the full trek all the way back home to the bunker. It was long though. They stopped to stretch their legs. Something was eating at Sam and Cas. Dean remembered that he’d taken some risks that they didn’t like, but that wasn’t what was important about this moment, this place, and now he was standing here witnessing it with this devil kid.

“Just watch,” Jack encouraged. And Dean couldn’t do anything but comply.

Sam was wandering back to the car. Dean remembered that he had decided to get a drink. The field was pretty. It was not entirely flat. It had the sort of rolling hills in it that would make a kid think of just tumbling over one then the next. Cas moved to the other Dean’s side. He stood close, shoulder to shoulder. His fingers brushed the back of Dean’s hand.

Dean remembered this. He had shut it down maybe in order to keep from going after more. They never had time to get where they were going, and that maybe was what was killing him a little each day since North Cove. “You okay?” Cas asked. His voice low and pitched in concern.

“‘Mm okay,” Dean had muttered. He remembered how he had been too focused on Cas’ hand, on the fingers that seemed to brush tenderness into the back of his hand.

“I wish you wouldn’t take risks. I wish...” Cas trailed off. And this was their moment, their one and only moment.

“What do you wish, Cas?” Dean had turned his hand a little with the question, took Cas’ hand in his, and let his thumb stroke back and forth a moment before Cas answered.

“I wish,” he paused again and looked like he was struggling for words. He looked at Dean earnestly. “I’d fall, choose humanity in a heartbeat. I want that. You take too many risks though for me to chose any sort of life like that. You need an angel watching over you.”

At that moment, Dean let go of Cas’ hand. He’d felt rejected in that moment. Now watching it from the outside, he saw it differently. He felt the guilt wash over him. “I don’t need a babysitter, Cas.

“I know that. I just...” Dean turned away from him to head back to the car. Cas started to reach out for him, but Dean was already moving. Cas curled his hand into a fist and let it drop at his side. Cas murmured to himself, “I love you, Dean.”

Dean felt something small in him seize up a little. Then the scene in front of him changed, and he watched himself raking leaves. Cas stood off to the side watching him, with a look in his eyes that spoke of sadness and loss and loneliness. Dean wanted to go to him. The scene changed again, and he was asking Cas to take away Ben and Lisa’s memories of him. Dean cringed with the memory.

Next they were in Purgatory and Dean was sleeping for what must have been mere moments. He was leaned up against a tree, and Cas was next to him, awake. Dean watched as his body slid to the side and came to a rest against Cas’ shoulder. Then he slid more and was laying on Cas’ lap. Cas just stroked gentle fingers through his hair, whispering something over him.

The scene shifted again, and Cas was in his own room at the bunker. It was recent. They’d shared over beers how they each worried, how Dean worried. Sam was always a bit more chill where Cas’ absences were concerned. Dean had told him that he wasn’t mad, just worried. When they went to bed, he’d wanted to talk more, explain what was going on. It would have changed things though.

Cas went to his room and he went to his own. The scene in front of him told a bigger story. Cas moved out into the hall. He seemed to be weighed down by something. He came to Dean’s door and just stood there a moment. He raised his hand to knock. Instead he pressed his head to the door and just stood like that for several minutes.

Dean knew that he didn’t see him again that night. He’d gone to bed restless and wanting. He’d dreamed of actions he’d never take, of words he’d never say. Cas lifted his head from the door and stared down at the handle before turning it and walking in. Dean felt confused. This didn’t happen.

Cas was in his room. Dean was sitting up in bed, but he got up. He moved slowly to Cas, who closed the door behind him with a quiet click. Dean was breathing like he was nervous. He moved toward Cas though, and Cas moved toward him. They met in the middle of the room. Cas reached for him first. He brushed a hand over the back of Dean’s hand. “You can tell me to go.”

“I don’t want that.” Dean’s voice was low and rough with the sleep he almost had. “You know I don’t ever want that, right?” Cas just nodded a little unconvincingly. Dean reached up and lifted Cas’ chin so he’d have to look at him. “I don’t ever want you to go.” He leaned in then and kissed Cas, soft like he might break.

“This didn’t happen, Jack. I don’t remember this,” Dean said as the kiss progressed in front of them.

“It did. Just watch.” Jack sounded confident, and frankly Dean couldn’t do anything anyway.

It hurt to watch it, to know it wasn’t real. Cas never really knew what he meant to Dean. He would have to live with all of the regrets that come with never telling the one you love that you in fact love them more than anything. Dean closed his eyes and tried to breathe through the tremors that were the beginnings of more tears, more regrets.

Jack gave his shoulder a little squeeze. “He knew you loved him.” Dean opened his eyes and felt anger at Jack for forcing this on him, this fake moment. “Look.” Dean looked.

The kiss ended. Dean’s eyes were still closed and he hovered like he wasn’t really awake, frozen almost in the midst of what he’d been doing. Cas cupped the side of his face. He pressed his forehead to Dean’s. “I can’t stay yet. I’m being selfish. This’ll hurt you too much when I have to go.” He stepped back. “I’m sorry Dean. It’s better you don’t remember this.” He kissed Dean’s forehead and a small glow of grace bloomed between them.

“He took the memory. He worried all the time that he was being selfish with you, that he was making you hurt when he left, because he knew that you loved him.”

“That’s crazy,” Dean said. “That’s crazy.”

“No more so than what you had him do with the lady and her child. You showed him how to handle situations like this. Castiel did what you would have done. He loved you enough to follow your lead.” Jack looked back into the room. Cas was walking out and Dean was still just standing there.

Dean’s eyes opened and he shook his head, confused perhaps that he was out of bed. He crawled back under the covers and stared at the door like he was waiting for someone.

The vision faded. He stood with Jack in his own room again. “It didn’t help. I didn’t need to know that.” Dean sounded angry. It was all he had now. “Not like we can get him back. He’s dead!”

“I just thought you should know.”

“Yeah, well you thought wrong. Nothing matters anymore. I lost him, lost my mom, lost everything. All that stuff you just showed me. It just makes it worse.”

“I’m sorry, Dean. I just didn’t know I could show you what I was seeing until now, and I thought you’d feel better. Castiel felt happy when I showed him things that I had seen in the future. He was hopeful. I wanted you to feel hopeful.”

“What did you show him?” Dean took a step back.

“You and Sam and your mom. You were sitting at a table together. Castiel was there too. He was human. Everyone was happy. There were no monsters to hunt, at least not really. The world wasn’t ending. There was peace.” Jack looked down at his feet. “I don’t know where the vision came from. It doesn’t make sense to see the future with Castiel in it if he is dead.” Then Jack looked up. “Unless he can come back. Can he come back?”

“Can you bring him back?” Dean didn’t want to sound hopeful. He was so not capable of being shot in the heart again.

Jack closed his eyes tight, and his nose wrinkled up a little as he did so. “I don’t know how to bring him back, but I didn’t know how to show you those other things until I did.”

“And you didn’t know how to teleport until you did,” Dean added. “And did you know that you were able to open up giant holes in the world that would let out evil demon creatures?”

“No, I didn’t know about that, until I did.” Jack looked at him.

“So you might be able to open up a hole between here and wherever angels go when they die. And you might be able to pull Cas out of there and back to us?” The last was definitely a question.

“I don’t know.” Jack smiled like he was picking up on Dean’s hope. “I can try.” He closed his eyes. Nothing seemed to happen. Jack’s eyes glowed golden and the room shook a little. Beyond that though, there was no evidence of change. Jack faded back to normal.

“Did it work?” He was still hoping, because a little hope fucks you up and becomes a big hope. And god, Dean was hoping big. His hands clenching and unclenching at his sides. His heart was beating fast. He needed this. He needed this like air.

Jack’s brows came together. “I don’t know. I don’t think so. I should try again.”

Dean felt his shoulders sag. He didn’t have anger in him though, just defeat. He reached out to the kid, set his hand on his shoulder, and said, “Maybe rest some. If you feel up to it, try again in the morning.”

Jack just smiled at him all gummy and innocent and way too much like Cas for Dean to feel comfortable. “Okay, Dean. I’ll try again in the morning.” He turned then and moved back out into the hall toward his bedroom.

Dean closed his door. He breathed out a prayer. “Come back.” There was just enough hope left in him to send out just that little bit and to repeat it. “I need you. Come back.”

And though he and Jack did not know that it worked, something stirred in North Cove.

#destiel #coda 13x2 #the rising sun #spn #jack kline #Dean winchester #Castiel #Sam Winchester

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