#“suicide is the coward's way out” girl no it is not i am fighting demons trying to get one single goddamn pill down | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ofdeathstouch · 4 years

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𝔰𝔢𝔩𝔣-𝔭𝔞𝔯𝔞: 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔢𝔵𝔢𝔠𝔲𝔱𝔦𝔬𝔫𝔢𝔯'𝔰 𝔰𝔬𝔫𝔤

SUMMARY: Charlie goes to collect Tracy’s soul, but instead she comes face-to-face with Tracy’s killer. This is a missing scene from MAGE MURDERS. TRIGGERS: Death Mentions, Violence, Physical Assault MENTIONS: @ofdivinerage, @ofhxllblazer

It was late when she felt it. The reaper tingle. It was the sort of feeling that notified her when one of her charges was dead, only, she hadn’t been expecting it tonight. She closed her eyes, letting the veil take her to the location of the body. When she opened them again, she was standing inside Flanagan’s Pub. The first thing she noticed was the twisted and mutilated body of a young woman dressed like a magician. Her heart lurched for a moment. It looked like Zatanna. Charlie took a step forward and the features on the woman’s gaunt face became clearer. “Tracy...” Charlie breathed. The young woman was an apprentice of sorts to Zatanna. The way her body was positioned made it clear this crime scene was intended to be a message for Michael.

Charlie was pulled out of her thoughts when she heard someone strike a match behind her. She turned to see Aamon. He was leaning back casually in his chair. Blood stained his clothes and his hands and the smell of booze and cigarette smoke lingered in the air around him. This wasn’t the first time she’d collected the soul of someone Aamon had killed, but this was by far the most violent and personal display of rage that she’d seen from the demon prince.

“Charlie,” he spoke first breaking the tension in the air. He knew that a reaper would come to collect the soul, that was why he’d stuck around. It was just...unfortunate the reaper had to be Charlie. He liked her. She was a friend of Belphegor’s but less annoying than Cupid. He could at least deal with Charlie in small doses whereas he couldn’t deal with Cupid in any dose. The man that killed Charlie when she was human, Will, resided in Aamon’s kingdom. He remembered that he enjoyed torturing him personally. “Care for a drink, love?” he asked, placing his cigarette in his mouth and holding up a bottle of half drunken scotch he’d swiped from the bar.

“Aamon,” her voice came out hushed and urgent as she took a step toward him. “What--” she was trying to find the words and the courage to speak. “What did you do?” she asked, her shaking hands gesturing to the body of the deceased girl. It looked like she’d been tortured before her death both mentally and physically. He’d made this a slow process for the poor girl. Charlie normally didn’t judge Aamon when she came to collect the souls he left in his wake, but she couldn’t look away this time. The intimate nature of this kill was extreme even for him.

“Aamon, you have to go,” she replied as she took the bottle from him. She ignored the look of annoyance that he gave her and continued forward. “Michael will kill you. You need to go back to hell. You’ll be safe there.” She didn’t care much for keeping Aamon safe per say. Consequences to his actions were completely foreign to him. He always got away with these little bouts of rage that resulted in someone’s death but Charlie did care about humanity. She knew the scene before her had the potential to cause a full on celestial war. Aamon was better off exiled to hell where Michael couldn’t get to him than he was waiting it out here for his brother to punish him. “Come on,” she held out her hand to him. “We can go down there together. I can take Tracy to her final destination when I return.”

“Let him come,” he replied as he blew smoke in her direction. He’d done this for a reason. Michael walked around the city as if he was untouchable. Sure, there was some truth to that, but those around him? The connections he was making, the family he was building...Aamon wanted to make sure Michael knew they would never be safe. He wanted Michael to know what his siblings felt every time they saw Heaven’s Little Watch Dog on Earth. He wanted to instill in Michael the same fear the Archangel had instilled in them during the war. And if Aamon died in the process then what of it? He was living on borrowed time anyway. The blow that Belgirel took had always been meant for Aamon.

Charlie observed him for a moment. If there was one thing she knew well it was death. She knew the ambivalence and the devil may care attitude well. It was the way a dead man carried himself. He wanted to die. “That’s the coward’s way out and you know it,” she replied before she even knew what possessed her to say something like that. “Suicide by smiting. Is that really how you want your story to end?” she asked. And that was her mistake. She’d gotten comfortable with the Demon Princes. She started to care; tried to understand them.

In a split second, Aamon’s face twisted from calm ambivalence to distrust, disgust, and pure rage. He sprung from his seat, grabbing Charlie by the waist and pushing her forward until she was stuck between him and the grimy pub wall. “Getting brave, aren’t we?” he breathed into her ear. “Maybe I’m not the only one with a death wish. Do not mistake me for Belphegor. I am not your charity case, I am your superior in every way. Do you understand me?” he asked as his cold blue eyes met hers. “Nod your head now. Do. You. Understand. Me.?” he repeated coldly. A wolfish grin formed on his lips as she nodded yes. “Good,” he began, not at all easing his grip on her. For her part she didn’t fight back, instead she looked paralyzed with fear. “This is what’s going to happen. I’m going back to my apartment to clean myself up. In the mean time, you’re going to take the lovely Ms. Tracy here to my kingdom in hell. All you need to do is take her to the gates. Alastair will know what to do with her from there. Again,” he replied, bringing one hand to her throat. “Nod if you understand me.”

“Aamon I--” she began but his hand closed off her airwaves. She couldn’t take Tracy to hell; her soul was bound for the kingdoms of heaven but Aamon wasn’t taking no for an answer. “Let me make this perfectly clear,” he began, he maintained a steady hand around her throat as his free hand went to grasp her wrist. “I don’t care where she’s meant to go. That changes tonight. I’m not done with her. You will take her to my kingdom and you will give her over to Alastair. Naturally,” he squeezed her wrist tightly, pushing his power into her and watching the flesh around her hand go necrotic. “You will tell no one. Not Lucifer, not Belphegor, and definitely not Azrael. I would really hate to have to send Will back to kill you all over again,” he replied nonchalantly. He pushed a little further watching her wince in pain as her body began to die again. “Do you understand?” He smiled as she nodded her head this time without debate. “Good,” he replied as he released his grip on her wrist and throat. He heard a rustle behind the bartop and grinned to himself. He figured it was Tracy’s ghost trying to make some noise and maybe even get away from the shop. She wouldn’t get far. “Looks like you better get to work, love,” he replied as he took a step back from the reaper. He figured he made his point clear enough to her. Aamon gave her one final once over before disappearing in a flutter of wings.

Charlie choked out a sob and gripped at her decaying wrist the moment he disappeared. Gods. It hurt. It was like a permanent cold had invaded her body and gripped at her heart. She hadn’t wanted to give him the satisfaction of watching her cry, but now that she was alone she let the tears flow freely. She felt like she couldn’t breathe, she was suffocating. She needed to get out of here. Charlie pushed the backdoor to the pub open and stepped out. She braced herself against the back of the building as her body shuttered and shook with sobs. She was so overwhelmed and in pain she hadn’t even noticed the bloke in the corner who’d been taking a leak.

John Constantine quickly zipped up his trousers as he heard the back door to Flanagan's Pub slam open. He’d fully expected Roger, the owner of the Pub, to appear and have a go at him for being so blitzed and taking a leak behind his bar, but he was surprised to see it was a young woman instead. She didn’t look like the type that frequented this kind of establishment. John could hear her crying. They sounded like sobs of both fear and pain. He cautiously approached her and held up his hands to show her that he was unarmed. “You all right there, love?” he asked, keeping his tone gentle and even.

Charlie looked up as a voice spoke to her. For a moment she froze, fearing that it was Aamon again, but as she examined the man she recognized him as John Constantine. He was one of her wards. He was sweet but constantly in trouble. He had some dangerous habits that she knew would lead to his death sooner rather than later. Charlie straightened up and wiped tears from her face. She nodded when he asked her if she was alright, but she didn’t speak. She wasn’t sure she could form words. John nodded in kind but he could see she was far from all right. “Did someone hurt you?” he asked, giving her the once over. She was favoring her hand like she was in pain. “An old boyfriend? Is he still here?” he asked, looking around. He was ready to fight someone. Didn’t matter who. They’d laid hands on this poor girl and he was going to return the favor to them in kind.

“He’s gone,” she managed to breathed out. She could see the disappointment in John’s face and it made her smile softly. He was sweet but reckless. A fight against Aamon wasn’t one that he could win, but she knew that even if John knew who’d hurt her he wouldn’t have backed down. “I’m okay,” she promised, keeping her injured hand out of view. “Thank you for stopping to check in on me.”

John nodded but he didn’t want to leave the girl. Not until he knew she was truly safe. So, he did what he could to stall for some time until he was sure the threat had truly passed. John pulled out a pack of smokes from his tench and offered a cigarette to her. The young woman obliged and he lit it for her. Charlie normally didn’t smoke, but she felt today might be an occasion for it. She inhaled deeply and let the smoke fill her lungs. They stayed silent as they shared a smoke, John always looking around her to make sure whoever had harmed her truly wasn’t coming back. When she was done, she extinguished the butt of the cigarette into the smoke tray beside her and turned to look at John. “Thank you, really. I’m okay now,” she promised him.

John nodded as he extinguished his own cigarette. “Anytime, love. If he comes back...” John manifested his card and held it out to her. “You give me a call, alright?” She took the card from him and nodded. “I will,” she lied as she placed the card in her pocket. She had no intention of dragging John into this. She opened the back door to the pub just a crack, signaling him that it was time for her to go. John nodded and gently patted her shoulder as he made his way down the alley. “Hey John,” she called out to him when he was a ways away from her. “You should really cut back on the cigarettes,” she replied. She allowed half of her face to go skull-like. It was the way most people expected reapers to look. “Smoking kills,” she warned good naturally as her face returned to normal. And with that, she left Constantine gaping as she disappeared into the pub, allowing the door to shut firmly behind her.

“Tracy,” Charlie called out as she reached the main atrium of the pub. “I’m sorry for what happened to you and I know you have no reason to believe me, but I’m not taking you to hell,” she promised as she grabbed a clean dish rag from behind the counter and wrapped it around her injured wrist. Maybe Aamon was right. Maybe she did have a death wish. The smart thing to do would be to just listen to him and take Tracy to hell, but she wasn’t going to let him win. This time, Aamon would face the consequences of his actions. Charlie did the one thing that always brought her comfort when she was scared. She closed her eyes and she prayed to Azrael. It only took a moment for her to hear the flutter of their wings as their energy filled the room. Relief flooded over her as she opened her eyes. “Something’s happened, Boss. We need to talk.”

#“ ━━ ◤ ᴅᴇᴀᴛʜ ɪꜱ ʙᴜᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ɴᴇxᴛ ɢʀᴇᴀᴛ ᴀᴅᴠᴇɴᴛᴜʀᴇ ; replies. ◢#self-para #300 years later i finally have the energy to get this out

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ableism-in-anime · 5 years

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This post is for those who do not know about ableism. What is ableism, you ask? Ableism is the belief that “able-bodied people” or superior to those with disabilities. However, the definition is not only defined by the belief that only non-disabled people can living fulfilling lives, but also that disabled people cannot be strong, that their disability equals weakness, or a fate worse than death.

I have heard rumors over the last couple of days about Kakashi Retsuden カカシ烈伝 and that the fact that Naruto was sick freaked the people the fuck out. There were cries that single page out of a 200+ novel was bad writing, and now Naruto wouldn’t be able to fight Jigen.

And that it was lazy writing for an author to have a character become sick or physically weakened.

First, those who spread rumors without knowing the facts will only be disappointed and spread misinformation. Secondly, we don’t know what Naruto’s illness is. Thirdly, Naruto and Jigen haven’t even met, much less fought. Fourthly, the lazy writing argument is stupid.

I have heard this line before.

To quote Levi, “All of them, whining like brats.” Interestingly enough, the character was the focus on the “lazy writing.”

To say that Levi’s death by a suicide bomb by Zeke is the definition of stupid. Would you say that death by starvation or malnutrition is stupid, because a lot of people in the Underground died from those conditions.

Zeke was in a bind in SNK 114. He could not move, his most feared enemy had him cornered, and he had nothing else on his mind besides ending himself and Levi because of it. It was because of Levi that Zeke’s best plan was to blow themselves up with a bomb.

How is this stupid?

Oh, I know why.

People were expecting Levi to die in a blaze of glory, or against some magnificent foe that would end his life.

Death doesn’t work that way. RL does not work that way.

And people who say that Levi’s death is “stupid” and that his life is over because he probably lost an arm or a leg...

Is that really true? Someone’s life isn’t over because they lost a leg or an arm. They become part of a community that has survived despite the best of humanity to snuff us out.

Getting the “Might Guy” treatment is also ableist. Or maybe, it is simply because when Might Guy was saved by Naruto and that he was alive in a wheelchair, fans were in an uproar.

I remember it well because I too agreed. This was not from a disability standpoint, but from a medical standpoint. Might Guy should have died from the effects of the Eight Gates. His body was crumbling into ashes. The blaze of glory was not an option. Now Might Guy had to spend the rest of his days in a wheelchair.

Something in the recent anime adaptation made me admire Guy more than anyone else. In the novel, when Kakashi said that he would do anything to heal Might Guy’s legs, Guy told him,

“What do two legs matter? As long as I am by your side...”

That sentence also reflects Levi’s situation too.

If Levi had something to live for, a friend like Kakashi to live by his side, then perhaps it wouldn’t matter if he was disabled or not. But Erwin is dead, and Levi has failed to kill the Beast Titan again.

The issue is that Levi will, supposedly be “weak” because of his disability. He won’t be able to fight anymore. He won’t fulfill the fantasies that we had for him.

Death is apparently preferable to becoming weak and the abilities gone, because all people who are in a wheelchair don’t exist and would rather be dead than be weak, right?

Don’t make me laugh.

As of right now, Naruto’ s illness is unknown. Shikamaru only said. ［ままじゃ、ままナルトの一生…」 It doesn’t mean Naruto is dying. The translation said, “If this continues, for his entire life...” Being sick is similar to a disability by the pity people have towards us, the underestimation people have, always.

But it does not mean your life is over. It does not mean that you are ready to roll over and die! There are less painful days and more painful ones, but that doesn’t mean that our lives are over.

Ableism in anime exists. How many times have I seen a weak (typically female) individual bedridden and unable to stand due to illness?

In The Promised Neverland, Lucas, who had physical disabilities and facial scarrs due to fighting demons and used a cane, had “a whole” body with no scarring in the afterlife as he reunited with his friends who died.

That is almost as bad as people posting pictures of Stephen Hawking walking and standing after his death.

If there is a person with a disability, there is a common trope of wanting to be cured by loved ones or the person with the disability itself. Tegami Bachi also had this trope, but Sylvette Suede was at least useful and not used as a pity devise. However, in the last chapter, Sylvette stands out of her wheelchair.

Emil, a blind girl, was an antagonist due to the abuse she suffered as a child and didn’t even get any sympathy from Lag, out of all people, for the complexity of the abuse and the town people’s history.

It not only paints disability in a negative light, but also ignores the trauma of child abuse, neglect, and emotional abuse Emil suffered through her life only to die at the end.

What kind of message does that send to people, especially children with disabilities?

Koe no Katachi is a brilliant work. It is not perfect, but the main focus is on redemption and self-love by a former bully, not on the poor life of Shouko.

In Sunset with Orihara Izaya, the main character Izaya uses a wheelchair. Some, including Izaya state that he deserves to be in the situation he is in now. However, I do not view this as ableism.

Izaya is a manipulative man with a history of observing his “beloved humans” and observing them destroying their lives. By no means, is he a good character. However, he is not a villain. Shinra, Izaya’s childhood friend, says as much.

In volume 13 of Durarara!! Izaya and Shizuo try to kill each other one last time. Shizou, using his superhuman strength, throws Izaya against a building that causes internal bleeding, a spinal cord injury, and many other injuries.

But, hey, Izaya tried to set Shizuo’s building on fire.

Eventually, Izaya is taken away by his “allies” for treatment. His wounds are massive, and it unknown if he would survive or not.

Izaya himself states that he deserves the pain. Even though his broken arms and other internal wounds are healed, it causes him great pain to stand or even walk. The author has confirmed that the pain in Izaya’s legs are psychosomatic and are from mental trauma. Two years after the final battle, Izaya’s pain has not improved, because he refuses to go to physical therapy because he deserves the pain for not acknowledging “Shizu-chan” as human. He acknowledges that he has been a coward, and that his love for humans was a selfish one. He did not get close to his “precious humans” and simply observed them. This pinpoints a reason for Izaya’s behavior and psychology.

Izaya had to raise his twin sisters on his own as a child. His parents were never around, and his “loving” father noticed with concern that Izaya was rather anti-social as a child. Simply observing humans and their behavior continued to be Izaya’s favorite hobby.

Izaya is afraid to love. He is afraid to be kind because his parents never showed him love in the first place. His sisters said they would be sad “ for a little bit before they would laugh” if he died.

Izaya distanced himself from his “humans,” cowardly and selfish, as he acknowledged years later.

However, the disability does not stop him from working. Oh, no. That is why I believe Izaya is not a victim of ableism. He continues to work as a information broker and actually helps people. Although he had some involvement in their fathers’ deaths, Izaya is the semi-guardian of two children name Hinami and Haruto after their mothers tried to kill each other and then their children. He saved them from actual death, whereas before, he would have been content to see what “his precious humans would do next” and leaving the children on their own after saving them.

At the end of the novel, a young couple was freed from bondage because of Izaya.

He even allows Haruto to spin him around in his wheelchair to the point where he falls off. He does manage to hold onto a coffee table though and transfers his body back into the wheelchair.

So, before any of you whine about lazy writing, think about ableism.

SNK 115

Sunset with Orihara Izaya cover.

#ableism #manga and anime #kakashi retsuden #illness #disability #physical disability #levi shingeki no kyojin #snk 115 #might guy #naruto shippuden #tegami bachi #yakusoku no nebārando #lucas yakusoku no neverland #izaya orihara #shizuo heiwajima #emotional neglect #character study #sunset with orihara izaya

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queenofkings121-blog · 6 years

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Chose Wrong Pt.1

idea came when reading a scene from @shelby_painter Fatal series on Wattpadd+

Summary: Peggy came back.

Warning: mentions of suicide, angst, horrible writing

*this is my first story on tumblr. Dont know how to work it yet. Sorry*

Y/N couldn't be happier. She had a family, the man of her dreams, love, happiness, and more. She couldn't have asked for more. After the hell that she called a life, everything was looking up and she couldn't stop smiling because of it. She sat behind her man on his Harley as they drove back to the Tower.

It was starting to pour but they didn't care. They quite enjoyed the downpour of the rain. As they neared the entrance of the Tower, she felt Steve's body tense. He parked the bike quickly and ran to the person standing in front the Tower. Y/N watched confused. She quickly followed but her steps faltered as she saw the love of her life lip-lock with the brunette. Peggy. The breath left her body as she stood alone under the rain. One by one her team stood by her, all confused. Tony looked at Y/N and his heart clenched. The look she had in her eyes was something he wanted to rid her of, and it worked but it has made its way back. The look of betrayal and understanding. Just like that things were falling apart. She knew that if there was a chance in hell that Steve's first love would come back, Y/N would be nothing to him. She silently watched as Peggy fainted and the look of horror crossed Steve's face before carrying her inside the Tower, not giving her a second glance. The team followed, all but Tony.

"Y/n. Lo—" Tony started to say but was interrupted by the broken-hearted girl.

"It's ok." She whispered and then continued to the bike. She hopped on and fled. She didn't know where she would go. Other than the Tower, she didn't have anything else, but she wasn't going back to that place. Not now.

Tony wanted to follow her, but he knew she wanted and needed space, and he respected that. With heavy hearts Tony trekked up to their common floor. The hero was disappointed in his team. They were supposed to ask if Y/N was alright. If she was OK, not run after Steve and Peggy.

As Tony entered the floor he was met with a solemn team. They were confused. Peggy was supposed to be dead. She was a person of the past, and unlike the super soldiers she wasn't supposed to be alive, or young. They were confused. They all were.

"Where is Y/N?" Clint perched up. Tony's jaw clenched. You would've known if you bothered to wait for her. He thought to himself, not wanting to cause a fight.

As if hearing her name, Steve suddenly remembered her. His girlfriend, his fiance. His current love. The blood drained from his face. He thought back to a couple of minutes and his heart broke for Y/N. He didn't know what came over him. He just saw his first love and acted without thinking.

Steve sat in the chair holding Peggy's hand. He was torn. He loved Y/N, but his love for Peggy never left. He thought it did, but upon seeing her they all came rushing in. She's an Avenger. And Peggy needs me right now. That was his excuse for not going after Y/N. As if that was a good enough reason to not go and fight for her. He knew she could protect herself from physical demons, but he didn't know she couldn't protect herself from her emotional demons. Whether it be now, or when they start to get stronger.

He didn't want to breakup with Y/N. He loves her too much. He was just confused as what to do. 'The Man with a Plan' didn't have much of a plan now. The best he could come up with was that he'll talk with Y/N when she returned.

Y/N's demons were silent because the love she had for Steve and her newfound family. Now. Now that she was alone with a heavy heart, the demons came out to play, and the voices were louder than ever.

Y/B parked near the river and walked up the bridge, to the very top. She sat on top of the world, but it felt that the world was stomping on her. She watched as the world went on without a care. She wanted the world to stop for her. It felt as it should. Her world was crumbling down, why isn't theirs?

The tears still ran down her cheeks. The way she was discarded so quickly, as if she was nothing more than a hookup, hurt her more than she admits. She didn't love and trust easily and this is the reason why. Before the Avengers, her only family was Uncle Sam. The only heart she had was the purple heart she received for her valiant sacrifices on the battlefront. She always held a passive face. Friends was a foreign term to her, and family? Well, that was a whole different language. The Avengers had changed that. She found love, hope, and a family in them. With Steve, she found true happiness. Unconditional love. That all went downhill in less than a minute.

She still loved Steve. It wouldn't disappear as quick as his love did for her. She wasn't angry at him, just hurt and disappointed.

"Steve. Promise me that it's just going to be me. I don't want to come second to any other girl in this world. Please." Y/N asked as her arms wrapped around his torso, as his arms were around her shoulders. She knew she was being selfish and childish, but she wanted to be assured that her heart and trust wouldn't be broken.

"I promise that it'll be just you and me, doll." He said with sincerity and love. "I love you."

Y/N smiled and replied the same three words with as much love and admiration as he did.

She knew that he meant those words, at the time. Because at the time Peggy was outdated. But now, now Peggy is back.

Wanting to drown out the noise, she plugged in her headphones and pressed the shuffle button. Upon hearing the song, she broke and cried. Please Don't Kill Yourself by Clayton Jennings.

The breathing and then the screaming at the beginning described her now. The gun cocking was something she wanted to do. Please don't kill yourself. The simple, first sentence and she felt as if she knew someone knew her. On the outside I was fine. On the inside I was a coward. She has never felt anything hit so close to home.

She sat listening to the song and crying. The longer she listened, the more she thought she had a reason to live. She knew that she wasn't alone. There were many more who had worse problems. But that didn't make the pain ache less. The heartache was still there, but the will to live was there, albeit a slimmer of hope, but it was there and she's going to run with it.

Y/N sat in the rain on top of the bridge. She was numb. The wind that once pricked her skin, the rain than made her bones rattle, and her heart that was broken, was no more.

The brunette Avenger sat until the sun rose. She knew she had to move on. The choice Steve made to not come after her, to stay with Peggy, was his choice on which woman he loved more and whom he wanted to spend his life with. No calls, texts from Steve or the rest of her team. Other than Tony. He had texted and called numerous times. She responded that she was OK and that she wasn't going to make irrational decisions. The billionaire was relieved, but he still worried for the young girl.

She would've sat there longer, but her phone rang. Thinking it was Tony she picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Y/N. I need you to come in today." Fury answered.

Aries eyebrows furrowed. "The team on their way? Do you want me to call the—"

"No. Just you."

"Give me an hour." With that she hung up. She was confused as to why it was just her that was summoned, but she didn't question it. It wasn't her first solo mission, but it's been a while, but she respected Fury and his decisions. He knew what he was doing, and she wasn't going to question him now.

She inhaled deeply before entering their common floor. She kept a passive face as she entered.

"Y/N." Steve called out softly. He could tell that she was crying, and it cracked his heart.

She simply nodded at him, and the team who were seated around the room, and continued to the room Steve and her shared. Her heart fell to her feet when she saw Peggy on their bed. Her jaw clenched. He didn't even put her in a spare room. She felt Steve's presence in the room, but she ignored him. He chose her when he decided not to come after me. She kept repeating in her head.

Y/N grabbed the duffel bag and started packing her stuff.

Steve was confused. Why was she moving out?

"Wh-what are you doing, Y/N?" he questioned.

She didn't verbally answer. Her actions were her answer.

"Please talk to me." He followed her around like a lost puppy. He got angry and grabbed her wrist to turn her around to face him. "Y/N please talk to me."

"I apologize for disturbing you, but I needed to grab my things." She replied looking at the picture of them hanging on the wall.

It was their fifth date. Well, it was at Tony's party, but they counted it as a date. They had big smiles on their faces. Love and happiness were conveyed through their eyes and smiles. Now, it was about alive as Hitler.

"But why?" Steve asked as if he did nothing wrong.

Y/N scoffed and ripped her arm away from his hold. "Why? Because not even after an hour of proposing to me, you had discarded me like I was nothing Steve. Because you didn't come after me after promising me that you'll run to the ends of the universe to find me. Because I wasn't the only girl in your heart." Her voice was starting to raise.

"Y/N, I am sorry but please keep it down. Pegg—"

All emotion fell from her face. She just poured heart out and he had the audacity to tell her to keep it down because Peggy was resting. "Screw you Rogers. Really. We're done." She said as she slid the ring off her finger. "We were done the second you ran to her." Y/N looked up at the soldier and saw tears in his eyes.

Steve was broken and lost. He didn't want to lose his fiancé, but he also didn't want to lose Peggy. He thought that Y/N would understand, but he knew he was being selfish. She was right. He ran to Peggy not an hour after proposing to Y/N. He opened his mouth to speak but closed it. He didn't know what to say.

Aries nodded as a lone tear rolled down her cheek. "Thought so."

Part 2

@animegirlgeeky

#stevexreader #steve rogers #steve x reader #avengers #tony stark #peggy x steve x reader #eventual loki x reader

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blvemonday · 5 years

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heather mcnamara’s playlist.

nobody by mitski.

and i don't want your pity i just want somebody near me guess i'm a coward i just want to feel alright

and i know no one will save me i just need someone to kiss give me one good honest kiss and i'll be alright //

i've been big and small and big and small and big and small again and still nobody wants me still nobody wants me

teen idle by marina.

yeah, i wish i'd been, i wish i'd been, a teen, teen idle wish i'd been a prom queen, fighting for the title instead of being sixteen and burning up a bible feeling super, super, super suicidal

the wasted years, the wasted youth the pretty lies, the ugly truth and the day has come where i have died only to find, I've come alive

pretty girl by clairo.

i could be a pretty girl i'll wear a skirt for you and i could be a pretty girl shut up when you want me to i could be a pretty girl won't ever make you blue and i could be a pretty girl i'll lose myself in you

a better son/daughter by rilo kiley.

and sometimes when you're on you're really fucking on and your friends, they sing along and they love you but the lows are so extreme that the good seems fucking cheap and it teases you for weeks in its absence

and you'll be awake, you'll be alert you'll be positive, though it hurts and you'll laugh and embrace all your friends you'll be a real good listener you'll be honest, you'll be brave you'll be handsome and you'll be beautiful you'll be happy

there she goes by sixpence none the richer. ( @chaosaur ft. heather chandler. )

there she goes, there she goes again she calls my name, pulls my train no one else could heal my pain but i just can't contain this feelin' that remains

there she goes there she goes again chasing down my lane and i just can't contain this feelin' that remains

shake it out by florence + the machine.

regrets collect like old friends here to relive your darkest moments i can see no way, i can see no way and all of the ghouls come out to play

and every demon wants his pound of flesh but i like to keep some things to myself i like to keep my issues strong it's always darkest before the dawn

and i've been a fool and i've been blind i can never leave the past behind i can see no way, i can see no way i'm always dragging that horse around

cherry wine as covered by jasmine thompson. ( @chaosaur ft. heather chandler. )

her eyes and words are so icy oh, but she burns like rum on the fire hot and fast and angry as she can be i walk my days on a wire //

the way she tells me i'm hers and she is mine open hand or closed fist would be fine the blood is rare and sweet as cherry wine //

but i want it, it's a crime that she's not around most of the time

fake happy by paramore.

if i smile with my teeth bet you believe me if i smile with my teeth i think i believe me

oh, please don't ask me how i've been don't make me play pretend oh no, oh ,what's the use oh, please, i bet everybody here is fake happy, too

breathe me by sia.

help, i have done it again i have been here many times before hurt myself again today and the worst part is there's no one else to blame

be my friend, hold me wrap me up, unfold me i am small, i'm needy warm me up and breathe me

she used to be mine by sara bareilles.

it's not simple to say that most days i don't recognize me //

she's imperfect, but she tries she is good, but she lies she is hard on herself she is broken and won't ask for help she is messy, but she's kind she is lonely most of the time she is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie she is gone, but she used to be mine //

it's not what i asked for sometimes life just slips in through a back door and carves out a person and makes you believe it's all true and now i've got you and you're not what i asked for if i'm honest, i know i would give it all back

#shermer.task

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sensitiveeeeee · 3 years

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I’m hard on myself a lot. Which is really fucking obvious. But I don’t stop to consider why. I don’t stop to think about the things that validate my feelings of sadness and exhaustion.

So let’s stop for a moment. I’ve spent the last few years building my career in the psychology field. I’ve seen some shit. More in the last few years than I had in my lifetime before that.

For example, I’ve seen a suicidal girl break glass and cut herself in front of everyone, and then threaten to kill everyone around. And there were no security officers at this point. I was one of the “security officers.” Then that same girl came crashing into me. She was bigger than me. And I had nothing to stop her, so all I could think to do was grab her and hug her and tell her that she would be okay, which is when she broke down sobbing while hugging me back, with her literal blood, sweat, and tears dripping onto me. She was in my arms, screaming for her mom when a first responder came up to us and asked her some questions before taking her away. And then I just dusted myself off and went right back to work.

Another time, a girl was experiencing a “night terror.” This is when I was new and pretty uncomfortable with my restraint training. She pinned me to the ground saying she would kill me because she thought I was her rapist father? I’m convinced she was awake during this whole time and just used the moment to unleash her pain. The next day, we chatted happily, as if nothing had happened.

I’m not even going to talk about the time I got a black eye from being punched! But like the other times, we just kept it moving after that as well. I had to literally ask for some time off because it wasn’t going to just be offered to me without my asking for it.

All the while, there were a few toxic colleagues. I had overwhealmingly good relationships with the majority, but every now and then there would be a high school girl in the form of a 20-something staff member. There were these two, who were always creating a toxic environment, doing all kinds of inappropriate things that crossed ethical boundaries. They were overheard by the residents body-shaming my friend. There had been many other inappropriate things, but this was the thing that made me lose all respect for them. In a meeting that was dedicated to team-building, my friend opened up about how what they did upset her. Everyone was there in the meeting, including them. It was insanely awkward, but I decided to support my friend, because it’d be terrible to just let her fight that battle alone. I think the “meanest” thing I said was something along the lines of, “We are supposed to have respect for one another, and I lose all respect when there is behavior like that, and I don’t want to lose respect.” These two people left the meeting early in shame, like cowards. It’s always the cowards who talk the loudest and the nastiest. When they returned, they gossiped to others, saying I had “crucified” them in the meeting. I took it as a compliment that they were demonizing me. It meant I had made them look inward where they were too uncomfortable to look. But this demonizing led to more bullying. From people who thought I had said something I did not say because these things came from their mouths and not from mine. Needless to say, I felt like I had time-traveled to the fuckery I had experienced in high school. This doesn’t have much to do with anything, but it’s another shitty thing I had to experience at this time.

I left all that to face my fears and join a masters program. Because even though I knew how fear-inducing, stressful, and all around painful this would be, it couldn’t be much more spirit-crushing than what I’ve been through in the past few years. Come to find out, it is! Just in a different way. I am in a group of very smart people and am constantly questioning if I am good enough to be there. Every single day. And sacrificing my time that I should be spending on the rewarding things in life. But you know what? It’s worth it. Because maybe I won’t be dehumanized as much in the future, or put at risk like my life doesn’t matter, or feeling owned by an agency. I’ll be my own boss. That is, if I do make it through. I don’t want to get ahead of myself.

But still, it’s been hard to constantly learn about mental health at the expense of my own mental health. It’s been mind-numbing to see and hear about all the ugliest things in the world. It’s been exhausting to constantly be making an effort to provide compassion to those in my work and those around me while not receiving it. You forget that you matter when it’s always about everyone else, and you are just the sound-board, the one to soak up their tears and offer something healing, before being walked over and dismissed. Don’t get me wrong, I cannot imagine myself not helping people with their mental health. It is my natural inclination, my passion. My acknowledgment of its hardships is not me not wanting to do it, and I am not complaining about that at all. That is supposed to be completely one-sided, and that does not upset me. It only upsets me when I have to continue that in my personal life and receive no kind of acknowledgment of my existence or validation for the hard work I’m doing. You can’t fill the cups of others when yours is empty.

So in the same way I’m going to learn to be my own boss, I’m going to learn to be my own compassion-dealer. So to myself: You have been through some shit and continue to go through shit, and you had bad mental health before all this. And you have to deal with everyone else’s mental health concerns while trying to stay afloat. So you know what? It makes sense that you’re depressed. Don’t beat yourself up for having good things and still not being happy. Don’t beat yourself up for thinking you had overcome your depression years ago only to find out that this is going to be a problem for you for a real long time. Mental health waxes and wanes. It’ll get better. Just continue doing what you need to do for a few more years.

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mysticdragon3md3 · 3 years

Text

Reactions to Demon Slayer KNY ep15-26

5:07 PM 10/8/2020 Demon Slayer Kimetsu no Yaiba ep15

I haven't quite decided to drop this series. And if I watch Haikyuu instead, I'll want to write reactions and read subtitles instead of eat. So KNY is best for my multitasking.

5:33 PM 10/8/2020 A much better episode.

I didn't write notes during because I was eating away from my keyboard.

Really surprised there wasn't a scene of Zenitsu being told that Nezuko is Tanjiro's sister. I would have liked to have seen Zenitsu come to the conclusion to be nice to Tanjiro in order to get close to Nezuko. Such a drastic switch is funny. And yeah, he *began* this episode with that drastic switch, but didn't it need an explaination? I mean, I've watched enough anime tropes to know about "getting the older siblings' blessing to date the younger sibling" cliche. But shouldn't they have explained it? Or at least explained how Zenitsu is ok with Nezuko being a demon? I know he's a hardcore girl-chaser, but he's also been mostly established as a coward, especially when it comes to demons. So shouldn't there have at least been conflict between those 2 sies of himself? At the least, seeing that play out would have been interesting.

Felt kind of sorry for Zenitsu when he thought about wanting encouragement. that's relatable. But leaving him was the practical thing to do. And anyway, even if he wanted encouragement, he should be honest with himself about not actually wanting to go into a forest of demons and be glad he got what he actually wanted.

I'm going to say it. Inuyasha's Yura of the Hair, Get Backers' Kazuki Fuuchouin, Claymore's Winged Anastasia. So many of the ways the spider webs threads were used in this episode, other anime have done before. Seeming like they're floating by standing on threads, puppeting corpses, controlling living people, etc. I should research spider yokai and see if they originated these specific techniques.

Oh, and Inosuke has an "animal spacial awareness" power too? They say "technique", but c'mon, it's a power. I don't know why I found it so much more acceptable in Naruto, but it just seems too much like a deus ex machina in KNY. Maybe because Naruto had a lot of screentime to show training in techniques and normalizing that anyone can learn these "powers". Whereas, KNY had a LOT of time lapse for the actual training montage episodes, and now these "powers" are coming out of seemingly nowhere.

Ukogi is the sparrow, huh?

. . .

4:29 PM 10/10/2020 Demon Slayer Kimentsu no Yaiba ep16

WEll, tangling the threads is a good idea, but does that mean the spider demon has kept her threads untangled all the way from her fingertips, through the trees, bushes, and entire forest, WITHOUT getting them tangled? I mean, is folding over a branch really considered "tangling"? I thought thread technique characters could manipulate their threads more---at least in other series.

I was wondering why they stopped attacking just because she snapped their necks, when half the people she was controlling were already corpses, but then I remembered she gave up on their usefulness.

Really disturbing to see the mother spider so obviously terrified, about to be abused by her husband, while her own children are laughing at her.

"If I die, I'll be released". At least someone gets it.

It's interesting how a lot of the demons have a quick flashback to their human memories right before they die. I hope that pays off well in the overall story later.

Tanjiro is sure taking his name misspoken by Inosuke during the previews, pretty well. That's so refreshing, after so many series where a character completely freaks out then holds a grudge over their name being misremembered by someone that just met them. I'm so tired of that trope. It's so nice to see Tanjiro just patiently encouraging Inosuke to try again. ;u; Tanjiro continues to be so nice! ;u;; He and Nezuko really keep me sticking to this series.

. . .

4:59 PM 10/12/2020 Demon Slayer Kimetsu no Yaiba ep17

But if Zenitsu passes out in 15min, then won't he just go unconsciously OP and kill the demon?

So his hair is yellow from lightning? ok......?

I have anxiety, depression, and suicidally low self esteem, so I can relate to Zenitsu, but WATCHING scene, after long scene, of a character who does nothing but scream and chase girls is not enjoyable. I feel bad, constantly wondering why I keep hearing he's a fan-favorite character.

Isn't saying that the time Gramps spends training Zenitsu is "wasted", the same as saying Gramps is a bad teacher? Does this guy *really* respect Gramps as a former Hashira? Sounds pretty disrespectful to me.

Well, it's nice to see the malicious child---enough to laugh at his own mom while she's getitng spousal abuse---get beaten by someone like Zenitsu.

So is Zenitsu actually a little conscious? Or is he dreaming?

I'm sorry I forgot the bird's real name. Chuntaro will have to do for now. Chuntaro's crying face was super cute.

It really hurts to see people picking on Zenitsu, when my anxiety/depression really forces me to identify with him. And then the moral in the end is "everything is still worthwhile if you just don't give up"? Sorry. Not buying it. If you're suicidal, you've already got the idea that death is an escape from suffering. So the idea of working hard to survive, just to endure more suffering from your so-called "friends" and appreciating abuse from your "family" just because their abuse is proof of "not abandoning you", really irks me.

Hang on a second... This demon isn't overtly hostile. What?

Wait. So this demon will abuse his wife but protect his daughter? The hell? And how he's spouting about protecting hsi family? That's messed up. . . .

2:44 PM 10/13/2020 Demon Slayer Kimetsu no Yaiba ep18

I don't understand. Every other anime has translated "nisemono" as "fake". Why is this series/episode translating it as "forged"? Would it make sense to use "fake"? There has to be something later in the story where "forged" makes more sense then using "fake". I hope it comes soon, because it his really perplexing to me. Right now, the emotional stakes of the fight don't mean anything without referring to a "fake bond".

I guess the flashbacks aren't just for demosn right before they die.

Wow. These nichirin swords are breaking left and right in this episode.

. . .

10:34 PM 10/14/2020 Demon Slayer Kimetsu no Yaiba ep19

By god. Someone figured out how to get Inosuke to take the time to heal his wounds in the midle of a battleground. lol Not bad. lol ^o^

Wow. All this time I had been hoping Nezuko would help out in this fight since it seemed so many odds were stacked against Tanjiro. Then shen it actually happens, I had forgotten about it, then WHAM. Genuine surprise. ^_^ It's like how I never see Tokugawa protecting Ishida, no matter how many times i see that movie. lol

I'm sorry, but the talks between Tanjiro about fundamental philosophies is just too good! ^o^ Nezuko has a will of her own...Fear is not a family bond...You need to fix that fundamental understanding... It really helps to hear characters resolute in their belief that Nezuko has her own thoughts, to counteract all the ways this series keeps reducing her: she can't speak, the hypnosis makes her protect humans vs she herself deciding to have a fervent wish/desire to protect humans, etc. Need more of this. Good job.

Is the blade being held by threads? It looks like it's not even touching Rui's neck. o.o?

That was good setup for these flashbacks when a character thinks they're going to die. I liked that the Hashira saving Zenitsu explained that specifically, on top of the series repeatedly showing it with demons and other characters through now.

This series really likes coming up with secret special techniques out of no where. lol I wonder why I put up with it so much with other Shonen anime? Did they have better setup? But even though it stands out a bit in KNY, I still roll with it because I love these protagonists and the animation is just SO DAMN GOOD.

Ooh! Nezuko doing a Demon Blood Art! *o*! Yes! Agency for Nezuko! ^o^

Wow. Haven't seen anyone fight this much with a broken sword since Utena. ^o^

. . .

8:09 PM 11/4/2020 Demon Slayer Kimetsu no Yaiba ep20

That was a good ep.

Maybe as long as the characters are cool instead of really pushing for being the comedic characters, then I have absolutely no problems with this series.

I love how creepy Kouchou is with her friendliness and how sincere her offers probably are.

I already forgot wisteria is poisonous to these demons. lol

. . .

5:33 AM 11/6/2020 Demon Slayer Kimetsu no Yaiba ep21

Well, this is unusual. They're showing the ghosts conversing with the oni after they die. Usually it's jut the flashback, some last reaction to the memory, then the oni dies.

Once again, I like how empathic Tanijro is. I forgot that he can literally smell grief.

Tomioka only *just now* recognized Tanjiro and Nezuko? lol

So Tomioka often acts contradictory to what he says? He's a tsundere?

Is this going to be the comedy duo for the episode? Better than Inosuke and Zenitsu.

I was wondering why Tomioka wasn't explaining earlier that Nezuko

"Kakushi". Doesn't that mean "spirited away"? Or maybe just "away"?

. . .

7:22 AM 11/9/2020 Demon Slayer Kimetsu no Yaiba ep22

In other words, they would have been IN SO MUCH TROUBLE if they went ahead and executed him. lol

"The fact is that Nezuko has refraine dform devouring humans for more than 2 years, and also that there are 3 people risking their lives for her. To reject this notion, those who reject it must offer an even more convincing argument." That's a really good argument.

Other Hashira have never crossed paths with Kibutsuji before???

By those scares it loosk like Sanemi cuts himself a lot.

I think she's more angry that he attacked her and Tanjiro though. More than holding back hunger.

Aaaaaaaaaand that's end of episode.

This episode's direction has had SO MUCH "be awed" moments. The music, the pauses, the slower pace of some reveals, etc. They really want us to be awed by the Hashira and everything going on. Sorry, but the ending theme animation sequence and the continuation of this series already proves that everything will end up ok. But even if I didn't already know a few spoilers, I'm so tired of the whole "be awed" direction.

All these Hashira are such exaggerated characters, I can feel how much this series is intended for younger audiences. Suddenly, I'm more able to accept that article mentioning that kindergardeners watch KNY. (https://soranews24.com/2020/09/07/japanese-schoolgirl-struggles-to-comprehend-the-shocking-truth-that-her-mom-is-kamen-rider/)

. . .

12:30 PM 11/16/2020 Demon Slayer Kimetsu no Yaiba ep23

I' expect Nezuko to be more angry about the Hashira beating up Tanjiro, more than any temptation by the blood.

omg Nezuko is speaking.

I still think it's more dramatically impactful for Nezuko to solely make the decision herself to not eat humans, vs because of Urokodaki's hypnosis.

Oh yeah, she's the medical person. It makes sense for Tanjiro and Nezuko to stay at her house, at least for treatment.

omg He still wants to do that right now??? You can get back at the wind Hashira later. lol

Tamayo is teh oni doctor, right? It seems like the Master has a physiological connection to demons, after all.

Yes, please stop shouting. I can tell the seiyuu is having a lot of fun, but omg...I don't think I want to see a return of their form of humor.

omg He's awake. I thought being asleep would be the only way Inosuke would be so still.

I feel like the constantly crying Hashira is like a parody of all the Empathy I've been repeatedly praising Tanjiro for. lol

1:01 PM 11/16/2020

. . .

6:29 PM 11/20/2020 Demon Slayer Kimetsu no Yaiba ep24. Watched during dinner. Didn't write reactions.

. . .

9:36 PM 11/21/2020 Demon Slayer Kimetsu no Yaiba ep25

9:44 PM 11/21/2020 I can't watch this episode anymore. After all those stupid commercials, realizing how spoiled I've been by YouTube's skip ad option, my whole body still being sore from day 2 of returning to my pushups/ballet exercises routine,... Everything is just too annoying.

This girl training Tanjiro during his rehabiliation is annoying. Whether she's supposed to act as "teacher" for the training or "medical authority" in thier rehabilitation, it should be her responsibility to get Zenitsu and Inosuke back to rehab training. Even if it wasn't, I hate this implication that this show is framing this situation as Tanjiro's responsibility! It's not his responsibility! His responsibility is to get himself healed! This girl has no right to seemingly direct her anger at him for failing to get Zenitsu and Inosuke back to rehab training! And even if she wasn't blaming him, the direction is certainly portraying that implication!!! Adn Tanjiro is _reapeatedly_ trying to get them back to rehab training, so we have to watch this girl _repeatedly_ seem to blame him for their failures! This whole thing is stupid.

And then on top of that, the story is starting to move back towards Zenitsu and Inosuke's perspective, likely to finally reveal why they've been skipping out on rehab training. But all I can remember is how much worse this series got when they showed up. How much every scene with them went too long and too annoying. How I don't want to watch them. And how much better the series got again when they faded back into the background. I'm sorry to their fans, but my brother was right (about Zenitsu): Zenitsu and Inosuke are annoying. I don't think I like them.

Previous episode was good though. All about Tanjiro and Kochou.

. . .

12:24 PM 11/22/2020 The other day, maybe 2 days ago, I was watching the Kimetsu no Yaiba ep where Tanjiro was struggling to do his full concentration breathing 24hrs a day, and I heard it again: The theme of diligent everyday work. I'm listening to the One Punch Man opening theme, and that series was very much about that. Did HeroAca also have that theme? I doubt it, with all the superpowers. Then again, it may not have stated it explicitly like KNY or OPM, but it probably *portrayed* it better than them.

. . .

1:52 PM 12/2/2020 Kimetsu no Yaiba ep25. 2nd try, after Crunchyroll crashed.

1:56 PM 12/2/2020 Demon Slayer Kimetsu no Yaiba ep25

Unfortunately saw note from last time I tried to watch this ep and found it very annoying so I didn't finish it last time. Maybe now's not a good time to watch an annoying show, while Nanay is giving off ominous vibes. But I'm so close to finishing off this series/season.

Ugh. Oh yeah. Tsundere. That's part of why I gave up on this ep last time.

Again, with the "work hard" theme. If they're going to go with the "hard work solves everything" theme, that's been going around with series like One Punch Man, then at least be encouraging about it, sparrow. I'm sorry, but I'm already from the generation/society that has lived with that "hard work ethic solves everything" being told all our lives, but by now has been proven a lie. People work hard and work hard and the oppressions keeping them back aren't recognized. Then "just work harder" gets used as a fuckin EXCUSE to ignore those oppressions and blame everyone's positions SOLELY on their individual motivations/ambitions. I mean, *I'm* lazy and hopeless as all hell---I am Gen X, we're supposed to be nihilistic, after all---but I'm coasting! Hard work does not deterine everything! And there have been so many journalism pieces revealing the myth of the "hard work solution" just being used as an excuse to ignore problems and not help people, forgive me if seeing that theme being advocated just makes me cynacle as all hell.

At least Kocho knows how to encourage people.

If Shinobu is so angry that Kanao can't think for herself THEN JUST TEACH HER GODDAMNIT. She's a little kid! That's what you do with little kids! omg Why does she bother staying angry after her big sister solved the problem right in front of her. See? This is what is so tiring about sticking to comedic cliches (in this case, the prolonged flustered angry ranting), instead of just allowing the writing to follow the logic of the characters. Like PopCultureDetective advocated, you don't have to follow a genre's cliches, simply for homage, if those cliches just perpetuate negative things. In this case, annoying nusance behavior for the purposes of obsolete ideas about comedy. ..then again, this series has already proven that the manga-ka has warped ideas about prolonging annoying behavior as equating "comedy".

Haganezuka is probably going to kick your ass for breaking your last swords. Don't be so happy to see him---Yup. There it is.

He's probably going to chip the blades with that rock. This is going to be bad.

At the rate Tanjiro is straining, he's going to need to recover from his rehabilitation. lol

LOL Tanjiro just tapped the teacup into place on her head! lol I'm so glad he didn't just not splash her or completely forfeit the duel. There's this old martial arts anime cliche about guys losing on purpose or forfeiting a match just because they "don't want to hit a girl". It comes from old "gentlemanly" ideas, about respecting women because their "delicate" and frankly, before chivalry codes, knights were assholes and women were especially brutalized all the fucking time, so chivalry was needed to counter that. But in martial arts anime, it repeatedly gets used on female characters who have actually been kicking everyone's asses, including the male protagonist's, for a big part of their screentime. So it just ends up being really insulting to imply "hey, I'm this big strong dude, simply for being born male, and your sex/gender automatically makes you nothing but weak, so I'm not going to even try to actually win this duel, because anything I do without holding back is going to be too much for you to handle". And maybe I'm old and have seen this cliche too many times with all my years on me, but I'm tired of it. Maybe in real life, women still get brutalized much more than men, women still need efforts at consideration directed towards them to counter all the mysogyny, and the average man vs an exactl equal average woman tends to maybe have more muscle mass without trying, but when I watch an anime to see the fantasy of a woman unafraid to take a hit and able to dish it out just as well, you can't just break the immersion by bringing in those real world considerations of chivalry, without being simply demeaning towards that power fantasy female character.

omg I thought someone would peak out and reveal they spoke for Nezuko. But I think thee thing I've been griping about should happen, just happened! Nezuko spoke for hereself. ;u;

. . .

12:00 PM 12/3/2020 Demon Slayer Kimetsu no Yaiba ep26

Does this mean I have to watch the movie before season 2 is released? I thought I could just skip the movie. I hope it gets put on Crunchyroll. Because AX won't be in-person again for a while.

#md3watches #reactions #md3 watches demon slayer kimetsu no yaiba #please ignore my idiocy

0 notes

smol-space-cadet · 7 years

Text

World Suicide Prevention Day

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. Today we bring attention to the silent illness, the hidden killer, the misguided ghosts. Today we hug our loved ones and remind them that they are loved, they do belong here, and that we would miss them greatly if they left. Today we remember the people we lost to depression, the people who felt so hopeless, so lost, that they decided there was no reason to live, because every day would just be another battle. Mental illness is the war that no one wants to talk about. It's the elephant in the room. It's the murderer that no one can catch. Everyone is scared of it. Depression, anxiety, borderline, bipolar, PTSD, OCD, and many other mental ailments are frequently misunderstood. People veer around them like the homeless man on the street corner. He's dirty, he's worthless, he's a mystery, he's something that no one dares to approach. This is the problem with mental illness. Everyone is too scared to talk about it. No one wants to tell their friends that last night they thought about taking a few handfuls of pills. No one wants to confess to their family that, every night, they cry themselves to sleep. Mental illness is treated like an idea rather than a serious thing. Teens who struggle with anxiety and depression are told that they'll get over it eventually. Adults who never got over it are told to suck it up, go see a doctor, get some pills, get some help, stop being so dramatic. Everyone tries to push away the problem that is mental illness. They won't touch it with a ten-foot pole. "Let the professionals handle it, there's nothing I can say that could help. One wrong word could send this person straight off the edge, right?"

Wrong.

There is no wrong word. There is only a lack of words.

If someone tells you that they have a mental illness, if they take the time and courage to open up to you about the demons in their head, they are trusting you to help them. They don't want to be shoved into a doctor's office or given the number of that therapist you know. They want you to TALK to them. They want to know that you will support them no matter what. They want to be treated like their pain matters. They want to know that they don't have to fight alone.

Mental illness is a war. Every day is a new battle. Sometimes, you win. Sometimes, you lose. And some people lose the war entirely. They are sliced down by the blade of suicide.

Suicide is the other elephant, the other homeless man. No one wants to talk about it. No one wants to take it seriously. "He took his own life? He must be a coward." It has nothing to do with fear, nothing to do with being lazy, nothing to do with being a coward. Suicide is a gradual darkness that starts to spread through a person's brain, telling them that they don't need to live, showing them all the ways and all the reasons to die. It keeps spreading until the person finally succumbs, they finally lose control and they pick up their weapon of self-destruction.

They think that no one will notice or care when they're gone, but that is false. Everyone notices, everyone cares. Some people care more than others. Some people make a joke of it, calling the dead a coward. Some people treat it like a delicate flower, unsure if they should even approach it. Some people break. Some people break, then put themselves back together and become advocates for mental health.

The truth is, despite the pain of losing someone to suicide, it is not a subject that should be approached delicately as many people believe. You shouldn't shove it in anyone's face that so-and-so just died by suicide, but you shouldn't dance around it, either. Too many people are too afraid to talk about suicide and mental illness, and that's why it stays in the dark.

Suicide and mental illness need to come into the light. That's the only way we can fight against the darkness.

So many people hide their mental illness because they don't want to be shunned, or babied. They hide their death wish because they don't want to be called crazy and sick, they don't want to scare people away.

I stayed quiet about my mental health for a long time. I didn't tell anyone when I started having panic attacks. I didn't say anything on the days when I felt like I had no soul. I didn't reach out for a long time. While I would have never actually taken my own life, the thought did occasionally cross my mind, but I never told anyone that. I just stayed quiet and kept smiling, just like I'd done my entire life. I felt this pressure to be happy all the time, because that's what everyone knew me to be. I was Smiley, I was the girl who was always laughing. How could I shatter that girl? How could I reveal the truth? Especially as a hormonal teenager whose emotions shouldn't be trusted.

When I finally did open up, it was slow. I started with my closest friend, and slowly worked from there. Telling my friends how I felt was easy, they understood. Telling my parents was harder. I didn't say anything until late in my senior year, I was scared to tell them. I felt better once I did tell them, though. And they didn't baby me. They didn't immediately send me off to a doctor. They just reminded me that I am loved, and that I can always talk to them.

Now it's easier for me to talk about my mental health. I don't rub it in anyone's face. I don't just straight up say, "I have anxiety and depression!" It's something that I reveal once I get to know a person, once I feel that I can trust them and talk to them. And when I have a bad day, I always have someone I can talk to about it.

It's important to be open and honest about mental health. It's important to LISTEN to someone when they're telling you about their mental health. And it's important to speak up if you're worried about someone. If a friend or family member is acting odd, if they seem like they might need some extra TLC, talk to them. Let them know that you're there for them.

And don't dance around the topics of mental health and suicide. It's difficult to talk about, but it's something that has to be addressed.

Suicide is a tragedy, but if we can end the stigma of mental health and learn to open up, it's a tragedy that we can someday put an end to.

If any of my friends ever need someone to talk to, don't be afraid to message me!

You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

#worldsuicidepreventionday #fuckdepression #makechesterproud #mentalhealth #suicide

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edwardsmuse15 · 7 years

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13 Reasons Why....

So, after hearing much about this Netflix series, I decided to watch it today....I am forever changed. I am not sure where to even begin. I could have written and said some of the things Hannah recorded....at different times throughout my life. I have been in similar situations as a teenager and as an adult. I’ve been through some really fucked up shit. I buried it all. Maybe that is why I survived it through so many years, but compartmentalizing everything probably got me through most of it. Was that a healthy way to deal with it? No....because then, when I went through the absolute worst thing that ever happened to me, it broke me. It split me in ten million pieces, broke my spirit, totally ended my will to live and I attempted suicide. I missed an artery just barely, my daughter and sister in law got to me....I was okay...I lived. I used to be a cutter...I have always had a problem with some form of self harm, I just didn’t know it for forty years. When the last straw had been drawn....well, the numbness was overwhelming. Hannah spoke of feeling like she was sinking, with weights on her ankles...of feeling invisible...of being a burden. People accused her of creating her own drama, they blamed her for the things they did, the pain they inflicted on her. The lies they told about her....they blamed HER. They humiliated her, shamed her, made it look like she was some crazy, lying slut. I was lucky...I had people actually notice the signs and want to help me....but Hannah wasn’t so lucky. Still, that could easily have been me. I had many people that said I did what I did for attention, that it was cowardly. When you are in pain, like that kind of pain, you will do ANYTHING to make it stop. That is all you want. When people don’t believe you, when they diminish what you go through....it multiplies that pain by trillions...and its a vicious circle.

I have to admit, the series kept me on edge the entire time. It made me sick to my stomach, it made me cry, and laugh, and it made me angry. Mostly the anger was because I know how it feels not to be believed, to be ridiculed and belittled. There have been people in my life who have done such horrible things to me...said horrible things. Contrary to popular belief...words hurt. Probably more than anything else. When I was going through some of the roughest things, I remember telling the person to just hit me...punch me...beat me...it would hurt less than the emotional pain. Bruises fade....words remain. They are embedded on our hearts for eternity. You can’t take them back. You can say you’re sorry all you want, but they never leave the mind once they are there. That is dangerous for someone who is already fragile. You can say, “be tough, toughen up, get a thicker skin”... that doesn’t make it so. You can think that everyone goes through things, and that is true....but it doesn’t mean anyone should be subjected to the things Hannah was...or I was...or anyone else who has dealt with that kind of situation.

I sincerely felt bad for Clay and Tony the most. Both were her friends. Clay was in love with her...but was too shy until it was too late. Her demons had won and every guy was bad by that point no matter how much she wanted it not to be true. Fuck....I have been there...my heart broke for her and for Clay...I found myself wanting to just scream.

I think the worst part, that last episode...when they finally did show her actual suicide...she slit her wrists the exact way I did...I could feel it as it happened on my screen....like it was yesterday. It’s been almost 3 years since my attempt. I felt that razor as she did it. I.FELT.IT.

What actually surprised me the most was Alex’s suicide attempt. I was not expecting that at all...it definitely made me sad. I was thinking Tyler was going to shoot up the school or that Jessica would shoot Bryce, or maybe Justin would....but not Alex trying to kill himself.

This show reminded me also of another girl who had similar things happen to her, who also killed herself. My cousin’s daughter knew her...she was 12 or 13 years old when she hung herself. All because of a photo that circulated amongst the school of her in a bra. The school did nothing....it seemed to mimic what happened with her in this series...of course Hannah’s story was much more involved and dramatic, but its still the same thing....kids being cruel. Not being emotionally equipped to deal with the hurt and the pain....and ultimately...ending that pain.

I do not think suicide is selfish or a cowards way out of anything. Its just a tragedy that someone feels so much pain they feel like ending their life is the only way. Especially when the pain is inflicted by others. We do make our own choices, true....but a mind and a heart can only take so much before its past the point of repair. I have to live with what I put my daughter through for the rest of my life....and I will never do it again. I know how to deal with things now. I won’t lie...I think about cutting every single day...but I don’t anymore. The urge won’t go away though. I fight it. So far, so good...I am winning these days.

To those who have said that this series was graphic and awful...fuck off. You live in a bubble if you think those things aren’t happening in our schools to our children in this world today. I, for one, am glad this story has been told....maybe we should all tell our stories...especially the bad ones. Sometimes, its how we heal...

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destielrose · 7 years

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A Different Kind of Conversion

I don’t know how to do this. I’ve allowed myself to become so invisible that no one can see me anymore. I’ve battled suicide my whole life and I’m so tired. So very tired of fighting. I’m hitting middle age and all of those things I told myself I would do, would become, would conquer: I haven’t done, haven’t become, and haven’t conquered. And I feel like I’ve run out of time.

I want to slay my demons and stand on their fiery carcasses and know that I will not need to fight them anymore. But I’ve lived just long enough to see life cycling back on itself; those demons keep coming back. There isn’t anything to stand on and nothing is certain.

I identified as gay when I was a kid, but was shocked to fall in love with a man. I’ve been married to him for sixteen years and I love him tremendously. There have been a lot of trials and I’ve been sick, too. Mentally and physically. I tried to end my life a lot. One time I came particularly close to succeeding. I lay next to my children and listened to them breathe after I took too many pills, wrote letters to them on their bodies with permanent marker. I think I was trying to make something of myself stay with them. I believed in heaven and was eager to see God. I just didn’t want to be in pain anymore.

But dying hurts. When things started to get painful and my heart sped up, I stumbled to my husband and asked him to drive me to the emergency room. It wasn’t my first stay in the mental ward, but it was my last. When my mother in-law came to pick me up, a woman who almost never shows emotion, she was broken. I began to see how my death would affect those around me. I was mentally ill enough at that point that I genuinely believed I would need to be institutionalized long-term and that I would be a burden on my family forever. But I could see that even this burden would be preferable to my death, in the eyes of my family. So I made the decision to survive.

But suicide is an attempt to solve a problem. When i resolved not to die, there was nothing left to do and no end to the pain. I had already tried everything out there: buddhism, special diets, wicca, medications, spiritualism, therapies, addictions, self help techniques, and lots of quackery. Everything. And there was a great void inside me that nothing could touch. I could see my life swirling around me; I even knew it was a good life; I just could not feel it. It was as if I was under water. Everything was out of focus and far away. Distorted. And cold.

In that void, the nasty voices that I’d tried to keep at bay with all those therapies and religions and addictions had no obstacles, and they chattered at me all day long. Like Lucifer in Sam Winchester’s delusions, self-hatred and loneliness were my constant companions. I was nothing. I was worse than nothing.

But slowly another voice broke through. “Come home to me,” it said. “You belong to me.” And somehow I recognized that voice as Jesus. Yeshua, the Savior I had met as a young child.

“How could you want me?!” I asked. “Don’t you know what I’ve done? I’ve broken every one of your rules. I even tried to murder myself. I’m a whore. A coward. You couldn’t possibly love me.”

But, having nothing else to do, I read the Bible. And I discovered that Jesus has a special affinity for whores and outcasts. And he hates hypocrites and the self-righteous, which is all I knew Christians to be. Slowly, he drew me to himself and one day I decided that I would give myself to him.

“Please,” I cried. “I can’t do this anymore. Please take my life and do with it what you want to do.”

And everything changed. Life bloomed in technicolor and surround sound. I had an anchor. Truth existed. I knew reality. For a blessed six months, I had no depression. There had been so little of me left inside, it was like the Holy Spirit just moved in and filled me up.

Please keep reading. This isn’t a typical conversion story.

Knowing nothing else, I joined an Evangelical church. The biggest roadblock to my conversion had been the whole gay issue. I had identified as gay. Many of the people I loved were gay. But I knew the church thought that homosexual sex was a sin, always. I did research, but the more I dug into the Bible, the less I could hold onto my old way of thinking. I would just have to trust God on this issue, as much as I didn’t like it.

I was not the only one struggling with the gay issue. I don’t have to tell you that it is the singe most hotly debated topic in society today. But I was loyal to my God and my church. I even went to a Christian college and got a degree in theology and English. All of the voices in my echo chamber were saying the same things about sexuality. I knew in my head that my old desires were wrong.

But it never touched my heart. I LOVE gay men. Oh my goodness, I do. I went through a period of time where I was so steeped in slash (Smallville, in case you are curious) fanfiction that I began to think that I might be transgendered. I wanted to inhabit those stories. They kept me alive in the time between my resolve to live and my conversion to Christ. In fact, it was my discovery of dominance and submission in those stories that created in my heart a longing to submit to someone or something bigger than myself, something true and kind and firm and absolute. People laugh (uncomfortably) when I say that BDSM led me to Christ, but it is true.

I had to abandon those stories when I became a Christian, though. Because I felt they were wrong. They were part of a sexual addiction that had nearly decimated my marriage (and honestly a big part of the desire for suicide, too). Unchecked lust can destroy a person. Not to mention a marriage and a family.

Six years later, my teenage daughter and I have just finished watching Gilmore Girls for the second time through, culminating the experience with the newly released A Year in the Life. It was such a good experience. I was amazed at how that show had allowed us to bond. We had a language all our own, and the situations Lorelai and Rory found themselves in always gave us openings to talk about the deep things in life that just don’t come up naturally. But twice through is enough. We needed a new show.

Conveniently, Jared Padalecki had left Gilmore Girls to do another show. It was in the horror genre and I wasn’t quite sure if that would be appropriate for either of us. My girl is pretty young and I’m a big wimp when it comes to the scary stuff. But I was also a huge fan of Doctor Who and I was becoming inured to the gore and the jumpscares in that incredibly safe universe. Also, I’d heard of the SuperWhoLock fandom and knew I was required to at least check out the Supernatural show to keep my fan cred up to date.

So we watched.

And I’m not sure how I got here. Seven seasons in and my worldview is in shambles. It isn’t the kooky pseudo-Christian mythology that has me tied up in knots. It’s the way this fandom has wormed its way into areas I thought could only be reserved for the sacred, has challenged issues I thought I had long since put to bed.

Is it wrong to love a TV show *this much*? What is real? What is virtual? Shouldn’t I be concentrating on real life? Am I just mindlessly consuming? What is worship? Am I worshiping celebrities? What is family love? What is romantic love? Where do the lines exist between them? I didn’t have a good relationship with my parents or brother; is that why I read romantic love into every situation? But the show also seems to be teaching me about the power of family and the depth of love. In fact, it shows me redemption and the face of Christ over and over again. In a show about broken people in a world even more broken than ours.

I have started reading fanfiction again. I even wrote some. And it is slash. And…it. is. so. beautiful. Which makes me question the nature of goodness and of God. I’m reading the other sides of the issue of homosexuality and it turns out that there isn’t a good case on either side. And if that’s true, shouldn’t I default to love and beauty? And shouldn’t I know, of all people, having been on both sides of both issues (homosexuality and Christianity), how much weight either can carry? And if beauty and goodness and true love can be found in homosexual relationships, how can that possibly be a sin?

I have no one I can talk to about these things. I feel like I have come out of the closet in so many different ways in my life and now I feel like there are closets everywhere, fracturing my personhood. Do I walk through the door that leads back to my church? Do I walk through the one that leads to a new (SPN)family? Could they ever, possibly, converge?

How do I know what is true? And who will help me here? Will I never find a home, a community where I fit?

Please respond if this calls to you at all. I am so conflicted over all of these things that I’m feeling suicidal again.

#suicide #spnfamily #gay #destiel #cryforhelp #christianity #supernatural

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serein-333 · 7 years

Text

13 Reasons Why...

13 Reasons Why....

So, after hearing much about this Netflix series, I decided to watch it today….I am forever changed. I am not sure where to even begin. I could have written and said some of the things Hannah recorded….at different times throughout my life. I have been in similar situations as a teenager and as an adult. I’ve been through some really fucked up shit. I buried it all. Maybe that is why I survived it through so many years, but compartmentalizing everything probably got me through most of it. Was that a healthy way to deal with it? No….because then, when I went through the absolute worst thing that ever happened to me, it broke me. It split me in ten million pieces, broke my spirit, totally ended my will to live and I attempted suicide. I missed an artery just barely, my daughter and sister in law got to me….I was okay…I lived. I used to be a cutter…I have always had a problem with some form of self harm, I just didn’t know it for forty years. When the last straw had been drawn….well, the numbness was overwhelming. Hannah spoke of feeling like she was sinking, with weights on her ankles…of feeling invisible…of being a burden. People accused her of creating her own drama, they blamed her for the things THEY did, the pain THEY inflicted on her. The lies THEY told about her….they blamed HER. They humiliated her, shamed her, made it look like she was some crazy, lying slut. I was lucky…I had people actually notice the signs and want to help me….but Hannah wasn’t so lucky. Still, that could easily have been me. I had many people that said I did what I did for attention, that it was cowardly. When you are in pain, like that kind of pain, you will do ANYTHING to make it stop. That is all you want. When people don’t believe you, when they diminish what you go through….it multiplies that pain by trillions…and its a vicious circle.

I have to admit, the series kept me on edge the entire time. It made me sick to my stomach, it made me cry, and laugh, and it made me angry. Mostly the anger was because I know how it feels not to be believed, to be ridiculed and belittled. There have been people in my life who have done such horrible things to me…said horrible things. Tried to make people believe that I was a crazy, lying bitch...Contrary to popular belief…words hurt. Probably more than anything else. When I was going through some of the roughest things, I remember telling the person to just hit me…punch me…beat me…it would hurt less than the emotional pain. Bruises fade….words remain. They are embedded on our hearts for eternity. You can’t take them back. You can say you’re sorry all you want, but they never leave the mind once they are there. That is dangerous for someone who is already fragile. You can say, “be tough, toughen up, get a thicker skin”… that doesn’t make it so. You can think that everyone goes through things, and that is true….but it doesn’t mean anyone should be subjected to the things Hannah was…or I was…or anyone else who has dealt with that kind of situation.

I sincerely felt bad for Clay and Tony the most. Both were her friends. Clay was in love with her…but was too shy until it was too late. Her demons had won and every guy was bad by that point no matter how much she wanted it not to be true. Fuck….I have been there…my heart broke for her and for Clay…I found myself wanting to just scream. I have been there...so much...so very very much.

I think the worst part, that last episode…when they finally did show her actual suicide…she slit her wrists the exact way I did…I could feel it as it happened on my screen….like it was yesterday. It’s been almost 3 years since my attempt. I felt that razor as she did it. I. FELT. IT.

What actually surprised me the most was Alex’s suicide attempt. I was not expecting that at all…it definitely made me sad. I was thinking Tyler was going to shoot up the school or that Jessica would shoot Bryce, or maybe Justin would….but not Alex trying to kill himself.

This show reminded me also of another girl who had similar things happen to her, who also killed herself. My cousin’s daughter knew her…she was 12 or 13 years old when she hung herself. All because of a photo that circulated amongst the school of her in a bra. The school did nothing….it seemed to mimic what happened with her in this series…of course Hannah’s story was much more involved and dramatic, but its still the same thing….kids being cruel. Not being emotionally equipped to deal with the hurt and the pain….and ultimately…ending that pain.

I do not think suicide is selfish or a cowards way out of anything. Its just a tragedy that someone feels so much pain they feel like ending their life is the only way. Especially when the pain is inflicted by others. We do make our own choices, true….but a mind and a heart can only take so much before its past the point of repair. I have to live with what I put my daughter through for the rest of my life….and I will never do it again. I know how to deal with things now. I won’t lie…I think about cutting every single day…but I don’t anymore. The urge won’t go away though. I fight it. So far, so good…I am winning these days.

To those who have said that this series was graphic and awful…fuck off. You live in a bubble if you think those things aren’t happening in our schools to our children in this world today. I, for one, am glad this story has been told….maybe we should all tell our stories…especially the bad ones. Sometimes, its how we heal…

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