#[ i refuse to even attempt now. ]

[basuralindo]

Hey do you think Jamil has trouble seeing people his age as peers?

Like, growing up having to be a caretaker to a guy literally a few months older than him, always expected to act like the adult in the situation, expected to work with adults and adopt their perspectives and pick up their slack. Do you think he just, forgets sometimes?

I mean we've seen him go into caretaker mode with other sophomores, and the only people I've seen him take seriously are juniors like Vil who also act much older than they should have to (his reactions to Leona look more like a trauma response and I don't wanna get into it here). People like Malleus and Cater still somewhat get the caretaker treatment. Like I just highly doubt that he subconsciously realizes he's actually part of his age group

Aaand that inevitably brings up Azul, who also acts like he thinks he's older than he is. Whether you're looking at it from a shipping angle or not, he reacts to Azul like an actual peer. With older students, he seems more in his element but there's still a status hierarchy which he compulsively reacts to. With Azul he doesn't acknowledge any status worth respecting or see him as someone who needs to be looked after. He just bickers like an equal, in a way that implies he actually does see Azul as a real peer, like subconsciously he's categorized this guy into the same group as himself, who was previously alone on that level (he gets like this more with the twins too, over time, but it seems to start with Azul).

And my favorite part about this is, while that response stems from them both acting more like adults in general, they elicit a pettiness from each other which drags them both down to actually acting their own age, and I just love that. Their characters are perfect foils for each other and it seems to make them both less isolated in a way.

#idk how to fully explain this thought in the azul department #but other than that its... yeah. forced maturity is so fucking isolating #I'm not surprised the only people he seems to hang around with are the fish even though he claims to hate them #since they seem to be in a similar boat with that #jamil viper #on a more shippy note: #I feel like Jamil NEEDED someone who he didn't feel the need to respect. in order to avoid falling into programmed behaviors #he's able to be a person around Azul in a way that nobody else can give him #specifically because Azul CAN keep up. but doesn't command his respect in any way that his employers would force him to acknowledge #and stubbornly refuses to leave despite Jamil being an asshole in his desperate attempts to feel some sense of freedom and control #which results in him wearing himself out enough to calm down and socialize while actually being treated with respect and equality anyway. #And it seems like Azul needed to find someone that he couldn't just attain or control from behind his own walls #he's desperate for the attention of someone who refuses to let him play the role he's developed to distance himself from others #so he has to treat himself more like a real person in order to get what he wants #which is a guy who challenges him enough to prove that it's not just him and the twins vs the ignorant masses #he's spent so long building himself a fortress of wealth and arrogance to protect him from the rest of the world #and now he's faced with the fact that he can't stay in there and still get what he wants no matter how many well practiced tricks he uses #and suddenly they're both just teenagers bickering in school with a peer like everyone else for the first time in their lives #this got off topic

[avnasace]

geto we need you to choke kenny for real this time do it for gojo

#one sentence from gojo made him attempt murder #gojos death should make him implode this motherfucker #all gojo wanted to do was get to bury him properly #if there ever was a time for geto to come back it is NOW #yes im very delusional #i refuse to believe that even getos 1% consciousness would be unresponsive to rhis #and on that matter i also say same to megumi #who is probbaly devastated rn #jjk236 #jjk #jjk spoilers #jjk leaks #jujutsu kaisen #gojo satoru #geto suguru #kenjaku #ace rambles

[werewolf-transgenderism]

my mail lady is my mortal enemy. she will never even attempt to deliver packages. literally saw her walk in with the little "attempted delivery" slip all filled out, without the package, this afternoon. girl you did not attempt delivery I was there

#now I have to walk a mile to the post office where they hold packages tomorrow. and then wait one billion years since nobody works there #simply because my mail lady refuses to even attempt to deliver packages #like I cannot stress enough how I was literally in the process of walking out of the building when she came by and she did not even HAVE it #'attempted delivery' my ass

[z0mbiefrank]

how 2024 is going so far: i had to leave the new years party i was hosting at 2:30am to take my girlfriend to the hospital

#originally the doctors were like we HAVE to operate in the next hour which was terrifying #but then they changed their mind and we were there all night and morning #but shes fine now thank god and she is home #but it was horrific #it was the same hospital i was admitted to after an attempt and traumatised in when i was 15 #it was my first time back there bc ive refused to ever go to hospital or even see a doctor at ALL since it happened #AND hospitals are autism hell #tw hospital

[ereborne]

Song of the Day: March 15

“Over Yet" by Hayley Williams

#song of the day #very exciting to have one of my brothers tell me entirely unprompted that he's enjoying the current playlist #a very big win #I spent most of my work day today doing what I've been thinking of as 'evil rubber-ducking' #where the IT guys throw me the especially Difficult faculty members--the ones who can't be helped because they won't listen-- #and I trick them into actually talking me through what they're doing so we can find the problem and fix it #(eternally amazed by people who request help and then refuse it. you called me bud. you submitted a service request ticket on purpose. #oh you can't do your job without connecting to the vpn? that's great we can't fix it until you tell us what's fucking stopping you) #mostly this 'tricking' takes the form of me being a sweet young butter-wouldn't-melt Southern girl in over my head with mean IT guys #bless them (derogatory) these folks who won't let IT even attempt to start working through the 'have you tried' scripts #because they know they're getting something wrong but are too angry-embarrassed to admit they don't know what #are still delighted to mansplain the idea of a remote connection to me #--that's not fair. I shouldn't mischaracterize them it's mostly not mansplaining. #the two today were yankee-splaining me. city-splaining maybe. #what would a hick like me (y'all is one person. all y'all or some'a y'all for multiple people) possibly know about enterprise networks-- #anyway they were using the wrong login credentials and were so sure of themselves they'd never even tried the other set just to see #bless. their. hearts. #(IT owes me so many little favors like this now. the latest database tweak I asked for got done live while I described it to them) #anyway anyway! love the chorus on this song #'to get out of your head yes break a sweat / baby tell yourself it ain't over yet' #makes me move my head every time

[sweetcobaltblue]

Seto x Anzu

@xpharaohsaiboux

"Are you serious? You're asking me...If she's...i...would..that ship exists?!"

#an Anzu follows this blog.. #and now Seto will out Yugi (ic) for this ask ...dfor chao/ it was meant to be anon we know this u.u #and we will be right back after i refuse to consider even more ships and sero attempts to punch me-

[mybreadsmybutters]

they should invent a video game for people who sucks at video games and that ISNT ANIMAL CROSSING. i want to kill people but all the killing people video games require you to “understand how to use the controls” and other such ridiculously high barriers of entry.

#dont even mention a phone game i wont do it #have tried to play phone shooting games and they SUCK #tiny screen i want to be able to actually see what is happening!!! i want to be scared!!!! #i need to just bite the bullet and actually attempt to learn how to play but i need a mouse to do that + my laptop is so ancient #and ill die before i buy a goddamn gaming system of ANY kind i refuse to do it. give me wasd or give me death #this is bc i tried playing fortnite on my friends switch the other day and got instakilled nd now im wallowing in the angst humiliation ofit

[villainsidestep]

north says your brothers are dead.

north says your brothers are dead, but he has to be a liar, because he has always been a liar. because he has always been a bastard. because the numbers mean you can't check his thoughts for lies. because he has to be lying. because the alternative is that your brothers left you. because the alternative is that you left them. left them lying on the sidewalk in an open grave of shattered glass and broken concrete and all those dead bodies and all that blood, there was so much blood, why can you not stop thinking of the blood?! of their hands reaching out for yours amongst the ruin, amidst the fall, along your spine when you uselessly throw yourself at north's thoughts again?

north's thoughts make you feel sick. make you feel staticky. make you clench your teeth and fists and stomach as you feel the nerves creep in, the dreading fear of something being wrong, the persistent terror of needing to stop, needing to keep going, needing to reach just a little bit deeper, needing to find purchase somewhere, anywhere, anything, anything about them, because they couldn't just leave you! they wouldn't leave you! you're supposed to stick together! you've always stuck together!

north says your brothers are dead. you wish you'd died with them.

#gideon shut the hell up challenge #this is AWFUL but. sometimes u just gotta write words down #me: hehe wouldn't it be fun to write smth abt the whole 'siblings using telepathy to figure out if the others are around' #me when typing: for some reason instead writes abt fawn trying to get into north's brain ?? #fun fact I absolutely know without a doubt that they attempted MULTIPLE times to fucking . get their little claws into his brain #but north has been on numbers ever since hb happened so <3 it was entirely useless on their part <3 #also we're 50-50 on whether or not north even knows anything abt the brothers post-hb. bc on one hand it would be V Fun #if he did in fact know they'd survived and that he just fucking lied to fawn for funsies. BUT. it would also be fun if he Didn't know #bc they were like 'literally just keep ur attention on ur own fucked up lil creature' and he doesn't ask questions so it was more of like #evil bragging. bc their only real safe connection has been severed and now that he doesn't have to have them in his brain anymore ?? 10/10 #( writing. ) #update we've put this under a read more THREE fucking times bc tumblr refuses to keep it. so if u see the full thing. sorry #keeping up with the beckers

[citizen-zero]

After years of my mom obsessing over my hair and forcing me to do various treatments on it and threatening punishment if I didn’t comply. I’ve come to understand why Britney shaved her head that one time. I know that was something she did as part of a mental breakdown but fuck yeah good for her. I get it.

#and the stupid bitch still doesn’t get it or maybe she refuses to #like you can’t pretend you’re just worried and you don’t understand why I’m angry when you’ve spent years strong arming me into #putting castor oil in my hair and attempting to put mayonnaise in it and I think the only thing that stopped her was my dermatologist #bc he said it wouldn’t do anything at best and also don’t put fucking condiments in your hair #but she really wanted to and I don’t remember this but she might’ve hit me over my refusal #and she’d threaten to take my phone away or deny me something else if I didn’t let her do shit #and then recently she FaceTimed me while I was at DND and tried persuading me to see an endocrinologist #like saying oh she had a friend with the same problem and went to an endocrinologist and the birth control was the issue #(never mind the fact that my BC is the reason I don’t have painful cystic acne anymore and do have a regular period again) #and she was trying to push me into going #and I kept saying I wasn’t having this conversation w her now bc I was busy and she was just like ‘so when are we going to have it’ #and basically trying to push past my boundary of I’m fucking busy and this conversation doesn’t need to happen now #I just hung up on her and went on airplane mode but fuck even thinking about it makes me so angry like I want to punch her kinds of angry #and honestly if she hadn’t kept ignoring me and hadn’t kept trying to have this conversation after I said I was busy maybe I would’ve taken #it into consideration and looked into seeing one sometime #but honestly now I absolutely fucking refuse unless my doctor and I agree it’d be a good idea #fuck off mom fuck off and mind your own fucking business #personal #erika's blog and bar

[sysig]

Come back as a flower, spring Baby

Tala took it pretty hard. Makes sense

Hopefully, anyway. Live food that has the opportunity to hide can be hard to keep track of, so it’s possible they were stressed too... But at least that would be something familiar, not a big scary shadow to run away from

Even selfish, childish thoughts deserve a place to be recognized. There’s no utility in piling shame on top of grief

It felt really strange to logically know that they were gone but still believing so hard that I could somehow undo it, that they’d start moving again if I just did the right thing. Death really does strange things to the brain

#Doodles #Spider #Nhandu Chromatus #Tala #Vent #TW animal death #I haven't had a pet all of my own since I was very small - about Tala's age - and this was the first one that I was 100% responsible for #Bought and fed and cleaned and made their enclosure - everything mine for the first time #So it's also the hardest I've ever taken a pet death - at least in the past two decades so it might as well be forever haha #I was blaming myself pretty hard the day I found them - I'd been away for a couple days and when I finally checked they were gone #Gave me the kind of vibe of someone who's so alone that no one finds their body until [x reason] - as if no one cared enough to look #But mostly I felt bad because it looked like they had attempted a molt but hadn't even flipped over #Like they'd just given up - like they knew that it wasn't even worth putting in the effort #I think now that I've looked it up I know what happened - spiders get a lot of their fluid intake from their prey #And because they'd been in premolt they'd been refusing food - and while I spritz their enclosure it's not a very reliable water source #I'd been wanting to wait until they were a bit bigger before I put in a water dish because I was very paranoid about them drowning #I'd heard horror stories of people waking up to their Ts submerged as if they'd fallen in and couldn't pull themselves back out #I hadn't considered that the opposite was even a possibility - that was my mistake and I feel guilty about it #But it is at least the minorest of comforts to know it wasn't a lack of space to molt - maybe - that killed them #I still want to ask seasoned spider people but it hurts to think about telling them what happened #It didn't feel real at first. It took a while for it to sink in and the entire time I just kept waiting for them to move again #I really didn't want the first time holding them to be to bury them #I could think selfishly and hope that they were a male after all - that they wouldn't've had very long #But they should've been here for years #I really wanted to do better by them #In some ways it feels silly to cry so much over a spider haha but I really wanted to do right by them and to not be able to...

[oranberrie]

Ah the autistic experience of randomly remembering a situation from your childhood and realizing things

#i asked a teacher once if I could go Over the needed word count and she said something mean in return in front of the class #i used to write essays for fun and I remember that I liked the topic and I definitely wanted to infodump in the essay #i attempted to stay calm and realized I was going to really start crying and excused myself to the bathroom #where a really kind upperclassman immediately noticed my distress and hugged me and helped me calm down #or how about. the first time someone gave me a hug I actually enjoyed. and it was because he hugged me with really tight pressure #whereas all hugs I’d had previous were light and always left me uncomfortable from touching and having to lean over awkwardly #i always felt like i was about to fall over in hugs because I would try to return the favor of light touches and overbalanced myself usually #or how about. or how about. or how about. #so on and so forth. the autism was there at every moment of my life and no one noticed. even now unless I point out specifics #or spoon feed people tidbits of research I’ve done that upends their biases #people tend to immediately refuse to acknowledge or believe me. i don’t have the money for a diagnosis nor do I desire any of the #discrimination that comes from having a formal diagnosis. and the lack of one is almost always a point of contention when I explain things #hell I used to refuse to consider the idea myself because it felt like I was taking away from other peoples experiences #which was stupid because as the great High School Musical once said. We’re all in this together. #did Not help that I had an ex years ago who I did voice my theories to and got shut down rather harshly #idk just feeling nostalgic for the childhood I could have had in a perfect world. #a world where people were kind. a world with better healthcare. a world with better research studies to broaden understanding of diagnoses. #i want to go back in time on multiple trips and give my younger self tight squeezing hugs so often through my childhood that I would never #have had to think that hugs were supposed to be something you just tolerate

[barstoolblues]

i guess i officially have no college friends anymore as of today. so

#the last person i guess confirmed it. one argument 3 weeks ago and ive been completely cutt off fully ostracized no contact. #ive attempted to talk. ive apologized on my end. i’ve explicitly tried to find out what went wrong to improve and have been open #but instead its been ‘tell everyone we know our side and refuse to talk to them or let them defend themselves’ from the others #and i just. sorry over a year of close friendship means nothing over one argument? you now dont care if i live or die? #and i seem to have lost everyone i knew through any of these people. who werent even involved in the argument. #so apart from people ive met in classes not only do i have no friends i straight up dont know anyone. like my entire social circle is gone #i just feel numb i guess

[completeoveranalysis]

[19]

Listen I’m running out of bandaids

WOOPS THERE IT IS

KAMUI LANDS A BRURALLY FATAL BLOW ON SYAORAN

I think there’s even a more brutal and more fatal blow in the next chapter, but still! We’ve entered The End of Syaoran Zone.

AND ITS SO MUCH HARDER TO WATCH KNOWING THAT THIS IS WHAT IT IS

It’s just. So incredibly sad that Syaoran dies suffering, drowning, and slowly bleeding out alone while people watch from the sidelines, none of the rest of the family there to help until it’s too late. 

And in water - opposite to his own element, and certainly making his fire useless. And without his sword, as Mokona isn’t here to give it to him, and he can’t kick effectively due to the water drag. He’s even been shot in his leg, making it even harder to kick than is really necessary. Even his own secret nature is used against him, without his knowledge, as his “game” status prompts Kamui to bleed him out and feed him to Subaru. 

Every piece of this scene is the antithesis of everything he is, and it’s utterly tragic.

So, like, I cannot wait for whenever it is I assume he gets his soul back because I can’t imagine a sadder end than this. 

#ITS OK SYAORAN #I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THIS IT FOR YOU #ITS TOO SAD OTHERWISE #Even though this IS the end of you For Now #And it changes Everything #Tsubasa catch up chronicle #Tsubasa #Catch Up Acid Tokyo #Catch Up T117 #And my desperate attempts not to get these posts banned all over again #Its safe tumblr I promise

[fromaliminalspace]

Forgot to mention but the other day I got around to changing my tumblr desktop theme to sth other than the default one. For the first time in all the years I've been here, yeah, shhh. I'm probably not quite done with fiddling around with it so some small changes may ensue but for now there's a brand new addition of separate links to my gifsets sorted out by fandom so if anyone has ever been scrolling my main creations tag while searching only for a specific fandom, now it's way easier. It's only a thing with gifsets though but on that note I created a new navigational tag for all the little writing scribbles I've ever shared here instead of more full-fledged writing, so my excited ramblings with other people about headcanons etc, my tiny ficlets and blorbo thoughts can all (or almost all) be found under the same tag for better access, for those who might be curious to read it and also for me, just to remind myself that writing is in fact sth I do, even if rarely, and sometimes (holy hell!) other people might even enjoy and share it. So yeah. Just putting it out there (before I forget again) off the chance anyone'd find it helpful or relevant. Have a good day, folks

#not particular fandom #blog maintenance #Liam whispers into the void #idk if anyone other than two (2) of my dearest mutuals will even see this tbh but well. may as well announce the change now that i made it #and tonight i also went through my likes and purged them a bit by sending a solid chunk them into the queue. yay #now the question is if i've got enough spoons rn to go try finish that one xue yang meta i've been writing for uh an embarssingly long time #or the spoons refuse to align for me out of the rudeness of their metaphorical heart #and decide to prevent me from as much as attempting any Tasks tonight. we'll see i guess

[readingwriter92]

Xcode is so concerned about previewing my app in a “reasonable amount of time” like. Babe. I’m aware this computer is like. 8 years old and slow as shit. It’s gunna take longer than 15 secs to preview this app horizontally. Just do it.

#Sarah attempts to learn SwiftUI and oh lord is it slow #I had to wait like. twenty mins before it even acknowledged it was supposed to be previewing something #it’s just outright refusing now wow thanks babe

[louehvolution]

.

#childish behavior. anon #agreed :| #I just don't understand. given the chance to meet Louis. being able to tell him something nice about his album(s). his tour shows #even his fashion sense. I don't know #or asking him something interesting. or dumb but different and fun #you have people asking about avocados December 2022... what's next. carrots? #or asking him questions with a clear agenda #and the worst is like. people... don't listen to him? #he's a sweetheart. but he makes himself understood to anyone who wants to understand #when he answers he finds people calling him daddy weird. or that he thinks the pinky swears - how old are these fans. seriously - are loaded #or he's said several times now it's a lot of pressure to have fans trauma dump on him #or that time he was asked about releasing JHO and he said he was onto other. new music #and he's found his sound and loves his new album. and you have people asking him to sing No Control... ? #I imagine most interactions are fine. but seeing some stuff is just depressing - especially given his team's attitude #refusing to even attempt to expand his fanbase. made up mostly of immature teenagers. according to them