#?? I do have issues with psychosis

[punkstylerecovery]

One of my major (minor) brain issues is that my brain lies to me. Sometimes its easy to ignore, especially since it's generally obvious, but when I don't have something else to concentrate on or I'm really anxious, its like trying to ignore a fire alarm going off when you're sitting right beside it. Impossible, at least for me.

See, its one thing to ignore my brain saying "you're an evil person" when I'm in the middle of a book. Its another to ignore my brain claiming I didn't lock the bathroom door (and someone Will come in) when I'm in the shower. But its quite another thing to ignore my brain screaming someone is in my bedroom and they're going to kill me when its the dead of night and I'm trying to sleep.

You might think the logical solution would be to look around my bedroom, put the fears to rest, and go to sleep. But no. You see, my brain wants me to look. But it also never believes I've looked properly.

I can look around and five seconds later, my brain will ask, 'but are you sure you looked right? Look again. If you missed something, you're going to die!" Sometimes I can't remember if I looked or not. Perhaps I did miss something. It doesn't matter. My brain wouldn't be satisfied if I slept with my eyes open (which is what it tries to convince me I will do if I want to stay alive).

Its always something I've struggled with, some times more than others. Its not always as extreme as "you're going to die", but its always extreme in some way, whether its the panic or the amount of times I check something to shut my brain up. And its ridiculous, because its not like I don't know my brain is a liar. Its not like I don't know it likes to fuck with me.

But I also don't really know what else to do. Its not like people go around offering advice for things like that; its not a common dinner conversation. Its not even a common experience, apparently. Some people's brains don't lie to them all the time and they don't have a million panic attacks trying to go to sleep because their brain isn't telling them they're about to die.

I don't know what the fuck I'd advise people like that. Sleep tight, maybe. But I wish there was some kind of guidebook for people with brains like mine. I'm getting kinda tired of winging it.

#punkstyle #trauma recovery #Sleeping #actually mentally ill #I'm not even sure what to tag this tbh #actually psychotic #?? I do have issues with psychosis #but this seems different honestly #like. #I don't know how to explain it exactly #anxiety #living with ptsd #but I've had it for way longer than I've had ptsd?? #this specific issue I mean #and it feels like more than just anxiety #I'm nor trying to minimize anxiety but #it feels like more than just that #nhainjanij I feel ridiculous even talking about it ngl #hope this makes sense #disability #Neurodivergent #neurodiverse stuff #?? Just shoving those in #maybe those tags'll have a clue what I mean #who knows #ok to reblog

[emberglowfox]

i hate having memory issues

#“if you cared you would remember” / people thinking youre lying to them about things you did/didn't do / i am incredibly easy to gaslight #entire chunks of my recent life just. gone without warning #people who know more about me than i do myself #why cant i have a functioning brain #vent #sparks speaks #re the gaslight thing my psychosis + memory issues + regular weird realistic and/or semi-prophetic timeline dreams make me #incredibly prone to questioning reality and manipulable all the time. and i hate it #i wish i could believe in my own senses #unreality mention

[museofthepyre]

your art really fits your appearance... are you the real life sydney sargent? i'd be freaking out if you were sydney sargent ahh

Well, yes.

I could explain my multi-year spanning selfhood/ ID situation in depth… buuuut we would be here for hours. Short answer for all intents and purposes is: yes.

#fictionkin is… a word. not sure it fully describes my experience. #it’s worse/ more extreme than that (save me let me out) #even outside of that though #I am a GNC trans man. long dark hair with light blue eyes. Autistic. BPD. ARFID (safe food is… buttered bread.) chronically ill AND #psychosis and hallucinations (I am on meds for it 💪 look at me go) #deathly pale and inescapably sick #and has motherly issues. I spend most of my time in the forest. I was a warrior cats kid. I’m goth by music taste and wear dark everything. #I prefer skirts and dresses for sensory reasons. dark and earthy tones. #I talk too much and overshare (exhibit a: this) #my SPECIAL INTEREST has been decomposition and dead things for YEARS #so I adore worms and mushrooms and everything which will one day help me return to the earth #I had a few pet worms & isopods before CHNT even released. I love. worms. #however I don’t do first aid now. I’ve devolved to mortuary science/ post-mortem preservation. #as you can imagine… discovering CHNT was horrifying for these reasons. #as once again- everything I listed here has been the case long before I ever found CHNT. #also I seem to only have chemistry with morally dubious men send tweet #oh and also vivid memories yk that too that’s kinda important yk #guys I’m afraid to post this.

[seaweedstarshine]

You know that time in the comics when the Doctor is so depressed, he shuts off the lights, turns on an interrogation spotlight, locks himself in the console room, and argues with a bunch of judgmental shadow-figures resembling his past incarnations?

And all the TARDIS' lights go out and her interior becomes a maze to keep his companions out of the console room, all from her psychic connection with the Doctor (“moodbleed”)?

And his companions are left wandering in circles for two days as the air goes “stale,” not knowing where he is but thinking the worst, while he hallucinates in a dark room?

...because I'm thinking again about the times this definitely happened when he was with the Ponds.

#when they find him- Rory (one good nurse™) asks neutral questions to check on his emotional state while respecting his space #Amy knows when he's locked himself alone long enough to call River (fortunately Amy talks to her daughter often) #River can calm the tardis and go directly to the Doctor. she sits with him and nods when he rants. she tells him hes loved. #eleventh doctor #11th doctor #doctor who #words by seaweed #(eleventh) doctor is neurodivergent tag #honestly same. I don't want anyone looking at me when im in that way because eyes are very uncomfortable lasers slicing my thoughts #so river doesn't look at him. she looks away and lets him look at her so he knows she's not looking at him. she also does active listening #the shadow-figures in this comic are beyond psychosis coded #emphasis: it isnt presented like some conference of past selves here (which the doctor can't just do anyway- see Power of the Doctor). #and the shadow figures dont have personalities anyway. the way theyre drawn is VERY psychosis coded (as is 11 this whole Si Spurrier run) #this is from Eleventh Doctor Year 2 Issue 3 (set between A Christmas Carol and The Impossible Astronaut) if anyone's wondering #note that he put on his comfort fez I love him #alice obiefune #poor Alice got drove up the wall from wandering in the dark for two days… I think Amy and Rory get to get used to it if they're together #eventually they work out a plan to calm the tardis enough to show them the comfy spot in the bunkbeds to wait and give him space #he joins them in their bunkbed for platonic snuggles. all in the same bunk. Rory doesnt mind. they make sure the doctor knows hes loved <3 #I think- having been percieved as psychotic growing up- Amy would be conscious about making sure the doctor knows she still adores him #I really want this fic to exist

[moe-broey]

Sketch dump I was gonna post after several other drawings but I just. Need to get it out of my system actually.

Big hc I've been running w lately is that Alfonse is a lap guy (entirely on his terms) and I. Had the thought. Of that extending to Lif.

Also finally pinned down the Alfonse/Dimitri/Lif dynamic and it's Evil Compatibility, where they're a perfect match to inevitably bring out the worst in each other LMFAOO

#fire emblem #feh #i do wanna clarify the 'dodged a bullet' bit is exclusively just referring to the evil compatibility #it's not a derogatory dig at dimitri's mental illness/psychosis #alfonse and preskip dimitri are like two ships passing in the night and alfonse wonders what could have been #he geniunely likes/liked him up until he noticed dimi has like. other red flags going on actually. #like the mental illness is a nonissue it's the skill issues actually. god forbid women do anything 🙄 #as i joke around though i do really want to emphasize that my blog is a safe space. love and solidarity 🫡🤝 #anyways i think when alfonse sees the dynamic between postskip dimi and lif he's like #ohhhh okay. well. nevermind. #saying all this as a guy who knows fuck all about dimi. he's just some guy alfonse had a thing for that one time. to me. #NOT a hater about it though LMFAO just like. very neutral/don't necessarily see the appeal #one thousand disclaimers. i know. i'm so sorry. i just wish for peace and love above all else ect ect #fe alfonse #fe lif #fe dimitri #my art

[lesbiansanemi]

And idk! In regards to that last post specifically the tags. I don’t really care what disorders I may or may not have. I’ve found that trying to psychoanalyse myself does not help. I don’t need a name for why I struggle so badly. Maybe I do have a cluster b disorder, maybe it is just the hellish cocktail of ptsd adhd autism and depression. I don’t know, I might never know, and I don’t really care. I just want some way to help with the problem, doesn’t really matter what the name of the problem is to me!

#cuz it’s like yeah! I DO have a lot of aspd symptoms #but ig I do also have quite a few bpd symptoms even if I’ve found I don’t necessarily relate to the ppl in my life with bpd in a lot of ways #whos to say and who’s know I just know I need to do something other than ignore that I struggle #ignore that I have severe psychological issues that most ppl apparently don’t struggle with #ignore that I have mild psychosis symptoms and a complete lack of empathy and inability to connect with my emotions #I should do something about it #both for myself and the people in my life that I’m sure struggle in ways to connect with me/deal with me #idk idk idk I’m just thinking a lot now #kaz rambles

[theprissythumbelina]

hey this is chance and here’s week 4’s prompt. how do strangers within the world view your protagonists? how would they describe them? and how does this contrast against how the protagonist views themself?

Thanks Chance! (I'm trying to catch up on prompts so here come a bunch of backdated ones)

In the world of Mortal Sparks, Nicolette and Alyss both view themselves as insignificant little bugs. They both feel abandoned by the people that were supposed to protect them, cursed by fate or chance, and ultimately trapped in the lives they have at the start of the story. Nicolette in particular feels absolutely worthless.

Meanwhile the people they come across, well, you wouldn't even need to talk to them to know something is up with these two. Alyss has severe PTSD and psychosis on top of that, so a stranger would see her flinching at nothing, crying and laughing for no reason, or muttering to herself. Her trauma has left her in her own world and it is very difficult for her to pull herself out of it.

Similarly, Nicolette just plain has a vibe that puts people off. She isn't comfortable with people and it shows. She would never realize it, but she glares at people like they personally offended her. Most people encountering these two together would feel the temptation to move to the other side of the street.

#mentions of #ptsd #psychosis #i do not have ptsd but alyss' psychosis are all drawn from my own experiences actually #too many tbis in your life will do that #nicolette is the opposite side of my experiences with her depression #my poor girls are such messes #I love them so #asks #worldbuilding #Mortal Spark #Nicolette wip #also their world is not exactly #up on mental health issues #so most people just assume they're crazy and leave it at that

[badolmen]

Supermassive games made something that was almost perfect and then decided to make several much worse things before reeling it back to something decent that makes the same damn mistake the first game made without any of the first game’s charm and cleverness to make up for it. Like you’ve had the time to figure out this professional video game thing maybe you should start acting like it lol

#ra speaks #personal #sorry I’ve been in an until dawn mood lately and it’s like. gosh they were so close to making a game I could unironically say was amazing #their major flaw was the appropriation of Native American culture (like they could have been generic cannibal monsters you didn’t have to #call them that to make them scary that monster design was on point) #and then. in the quarry. which I dare to say is a decent sequel to until dawn. #MAKES THE SAME DAMN MISTAKE OF STEREOTYPING OOOO SPOOKY ROMANI TAROT MAGIC #like bruh do you. do you even call up somebody from the demographics you’re representing #and be like hey is this fucked up or nah? #like you’re a professional studio that’s a real thing you can do #and I don’t like the new cut scenes in until dawn they were PART of the story not some separate entity from it #anyways rant abt the bad stuff over gosh until dawn had such a fantastic story. the reveal and the twist are unparalleled. #literally my only issue is the monster cultural aspect like that’s such a solid game and story #and I guess the treatment of josh as a character but tbh the story of it seems fairly logical #these people got my sisters killed. I’m going to scare the hell out of them as revenge. no one will get physically hurt. #like yeah I would do that too dude. especially if I had a family background in film and practical effects. #and tbf his friends react pretty realistically for kids not knowing how to handle their friend having #a legitimate mental health crisis that stems from undiagnosed and erroneously medicated psychosis/schizophrenia #in addition to being hunted by literal monsters #the quarry was fun and campy the way until dawn was but there was no iconic bait and switch and also an antagonist uses the g slur so like #sorry it’s objectively not as good of a story

[junglejim4322]

How should they get out of rock bottom then?

(For context this is in response to me saying seeking help when you’re at rock bottom often risks you being stripped of your autonomy)

I want to make it clear i in no way meant that in a way where I was trying to dissuade people from seeking treatment, I wish I had a succinct answer for you but I think this highly varies on a person-to-person basis. And I do know some people cannot manage certain things without treatment that would involve them partially losing their autonomy, in the same vein I can’t risk that (and I don’t just mean I don’t want to, I’m a caretaker) (though I also don’t want to and don’t think something like inpatient would even be effective for me). For me personally it’s a combination figuring out a plan for self treatment where I’m in control of the situation and being very selective about what I admit/who I disclose information about my situation to, which typically involves being so unspecific that what I’m talking about can’t be exactly pinpointed. You’d also be surprised about some of the success rates for self treatment of certain issues. Though it sucks because it doesn’t even just apply medically but also socially where if you admit to certain issues some people think the right thing to do is revoke their support for you fully until you’re magically better and then you’re just left with no reason to ever get help. I wish it often wasn’t a choice between a formal structured treatment plan or maintaining control over yourself. Anyway I don’t claim to be an expert this is just my insight from my own experiences and one of the most frustrating things to deal with

#asks #anonymous #i am generally referring to things like eating disorders/self harm and suicidal ideation/addiction I do not have much perspective on issues #like delusions and psychosis as I have no firsthand experience of it myself #i did watch my schizophrenic uncle basically be imprisoned in psych wards half his life and I know there has to be #a better option than that #i don’t even know where he is now because my aunt decided to have him committed and refuses to tell my mom anything about it #idk I didn’t expect to type this much but

[tempertyzias]

HEY TUMBLR STAFF CAN YOU NOT FUCKING DO THIS

#DO NOT DO THIS. DO NOT EVER FUCKING DO THIS #I have issues with scopophobia + psychosis + paranoia and this makes the browser version of this site basically unusable

[yami-mazda]

Came out as a lesbian to my grandma. It went fine. She wasn't happy or supportive, but she also didn't say or do anything that she thought would hurt me. She just went "Why would you DECIDE that?" and I said "I didn't decide that." And I didn't say anything else. And I didn't look defensive or hurt. I just gave her the doe-eyed sympathetic stare like I felt sorry for her but happy for myself--the gaze of an ambivalent god--and she eventually went okay and didn't talk about it again. That's good. For her, it's good. She might bring it up later, but I honestly don't care that I'm a lesbian, and she can feel the same way.

Idk, it's just that I was sexually assaulted again this year (third time's the charm, babey) and I promised our most upset alter that if it happened a third time I would either come out or kill myself, so this seemed the lesser of two evils.

#i also dk who was fronting. barbie was there because it was HER bit. we rehearsed and everything. #but she short circuited and i think she mostly stepped out before we could get to the lesbian part. #now we're a baby doe. or bambi. or hey maybe chou was there. we were very put together--if a bit flighty. #it's hard not being able to rehearse conversations before you have them because you have no idea how someone will react. #honestly i guess i didn't have to say it. i could've just continued doing nothing. #but idk i have a friend who is a boy and i'm on BC now because of a hormone issue and i started having stress-induced psychosis #(with visual/audio hallucinations and delusions that i was a reality shifter that astral projected into another universe #and that i broke the matrix and was always constantly operating 'out of bounds' you could say??) #so in the end i think it started to make me crazy and that's why i finally caved. deal with the root issue and the delusions will go away. #psychosis #coming out #homophobia tw #tw sa mention #suicide mention

[scalpelsister]

i start intensive outpatient therapy on tuesday and i could not be more upset lmao. i know its going to be good for me overall but i cant think of something i want to do less than that sjshdhdh. ALSO it runs all the way up until my birthday with my birthday being my last day (unless i get discharged early) which is just.... no good.

#its 3 hours a day 4x a week #for four weeks #😭 #im going to krill myself fr i dont wanna goooooo #what do you mean i have to go sit with strangers almost every day and leave my house..... #the intake nurse also said a lot of shit about my psychosis that makes me nervous #like implying that bpd cant cause psychosis and that their program usually prohibits ppl w psychosis #and mentioned that if i show any symptoms of psychosis she couldnt ethically allow me to be around the group???? #so id either be discharged or warded against my consent depending on symptoms #and she kept. mentioning that if i showed ANY SIGNS she would ward me or kick me out like #made comments to that degree like 3 times #where im like 🤨 #maam let me be insane. let me cook please my psychotic nature is the least of my issues sjshdhdhd #anyways im not a happy camper about this but. #on a positive note my friends got a minecraft realm thanks to our one friend being VERY GENEROUS and buying us one??! #and so ive spent like. many days now just playing minecraft with everyone on vc for hours and its so funnnnn #no therapy just minecraft 😠 #my post

[adriancatrin]

i think about azula and i gasp at the very idea of someone caring about her less than i do

#this post is brought to u by utter outrage #she is truly #my queen #idk i just #AZULA u know #she’s slowly climbing the ranks towards my fave character #she’s now only behind sokka #i can’t believe i like her more than zuko but ! fr come on #there’s so much space for her if u ignore canon outside of the og show #she Can and Would recover because zuko Would take the time to care for her #i finally read the search and was so offended #it did not do azula OR ZUKO justice #zuko would be so heartbroken that his mother started a new fam and chose to not remember him #he LOVES his mom and that is the worst possible thing #jfc i hate it #and azula we’ll add more abandonment to the list but WHO CARES ISNT IT FUN THAT SHES CRAAAAAZY #fuck off and die #she experienced psychosis and has abandonment issues she can still get Better #she deserves the authors respect of having her get better #anyways read my fics if u want to see her get better #New Heights and the currently untitled one i’m working on which delves even more into it #+ zukka ofc #azula #atla

[waterbearable]

like. i don’t even think it’s better necessarily, but if the only person with actual buy-in on the hunt aside from lottie was van (i don’t really buy tai as having committed here, she’s just going along w van which i think does repeat old patterns), then why not just to subdue lottie from the start? like i GUESS it’s some attempt to suggest groupthink but as soon as lottie starts trying to pursue shauna why would you make it seem like you’re also trying to get her? like i could see at least a couple of them trying to subdue lottie, lottie+van trying to fight them off, chaos/giving into the violence ensues. idk it just does not work for me and the outcome...ehhh

(more in the tags srry but for my non-yj folks cw for mentions of ideation, overdose, addiction)

#ari watches yellowjackets #yellowjackets spoilers #honestly i support ben. i really don't know how he managed to get the fire to spread like that in the winter but like. #go off king. #if the cabin's gone i still don't know how they make it another winter unless they immediately find the underground+clear ben out #problem is that i think that if you're going to do the adult hunt and have it kill one of the original yjs and not a random #then i can see the most likely candidates for death being lottie and nat. #and frankly i hate either option! i don't want to see the person w substance use issues/suicidal ideation whos starting to recover #die from what will seem to all outsiders as an overdose #AND i don't want to see the person who's fulfilled the 'person experiencing psychosis but maybe it's magic' trope/role #who ppl have blamed for their own violence #to start up the violence again and then get killed! #both options suck regardless of how you feel about either lottie or nat as characters. #i think it is hard to write multiple fucked-up storylines at once and make them make sense and make them both compelling. #but i think we've hit the common 'compelling first season second season that doesn't quite match' issue. it's not specific to this. #ALSO. IF IT TURNS OUT THAT CRYSTAL WAS A REAL SURVIVOR ALL ALONG I DO ACTUALLY THINK THAT STORYLINE WAS SOME POOR WRITING. #THAT is the only hill i'm willing to die on.

[emsleyanbluejay]

hmmm it’s “angry at sysmeds” hours

#Blue Jay Chirps #i’m psychotic and don’t have a stable sense of identity #to the point that my actions/thoughts from two years ago are totally incomprehensible to me now #and i can’t trust my perception of reality because some days i wake up convinced i fell into a parallel universe #add that to sysmeds claiming that psychosis and other identity issues can be confused for being a system #(setting aside that it’s just a way to invalidate systems who disagree with them or don’t fit into their medicalized beliefs of systemhood) #and you can kind of understand why i’ve been having a 3+ month crisis about whether or not i’m actually part of a system #especially because we don’t have an innerworld/concrete headspace and internal communication is so hard #everything is give and take in here basically #we can’t communicate unless all parties are putting in equal effort #we can’t switch unless i actively give up front *and* someone wants it #hell i don’t even know what everyone else is doing in there rn #it’s literally a void with a couple things that exist as concepts or vibes #it takes so much effort to interact with the others that i genuinely can’t spare the energy most days #so lately i’ve just been feeling like a really crazy singlet intruding on others’ space #and i wouldn’t feel that way if sysmeds weren’t acting like the arbiters of plurality #Voidborne Posting

[non-un-topo]

I can’t write. Can’t draw. Can’t eat today. Can barely move.

#trying to tell myself this is something that will pass. tomorrow i will probably be able to do all of these. #because if i don't tell myself that then i'm going to spiral and start to lose my mind again. #thinking a lot about...... bad things. like god and the universe and stigmata for some reason. i haven't wanted to self-harm in years. #and i will not. but still it's very distracting and idk what to do with myself right now. #lord of the rings maybe? that might help? #freaks me the hell out that this seems to happen to me so easily now. like more and more if i'm faced with a stressful event-- #--i start to sort of slip. like i feel despair and then i get these ideas about reality and the universe and higher power. #never going to forget that time i believed i wasn't meant to be born and i was instead a cosmic mistake. that was a scary time-- #--for everyone who cared about me. #i don't even have issues with psychosis i think it's just extreme stress. i did used to have a LOT of derealization 'spells' #so hmm. very very worried about this upcoming school year and what it means for my mental health #but who the fuck can afford therapy and fuck-knows how long the wait lists are for psychiatrists.