"This Wish" Re-write
(This song for my rewrite: The Kingdom of Roses and Thorns)
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Hello guys!!
First Rewrite of them all, and before I go into the rewrite, I need to state my problems with the song before I get into it.
So the sections will be like this:
My problems with the song
My goals/thoughts on the song
The actual rewrite
Now with this out of the way, lets get into how this song failed to be a "I want song." If you want to watch another video on the problems with the song in more detail, I suggest you watch this video:
Now lets get started!
My Problem with the Song
So there are many problems with the song, and I'll break down every lyric since I can.
And I am not a professional song writer, I am just pointing out stuff that sounds off to me personally.
So for context...
At this point in the film, she is broken that the people of Rosas won't get all of their desires fulfilled. Mind you, as in all of my other rants on this stupid movie, Magnifico, the antagonist, can't AND SHOULDN'T grant all the wishes because there are obviously dangerous people who ask for dangerous things or people's desires are too vague to be granted. It is a valid reasoning to not grant them all because why should he? They can potentially cause harm to the people who gave up their wish or even the people of Rosas.
Back to Asha here, she ran out of the house after Sabino said he didn't want to hear his wish from her, which makes her angry and run out of the house. She is in tears then suddenly breaks into song.
That is were I have my first nick-pick, although it is slightly minor. She shouldn't suddenly break out into song unless she calms down afterwards. Where she is at this point of the song, she should have some strain in her voice since she legit was just crying a second ago.
Now we get our first line:
"Isn't truth supposed to set you free?"
This flows nicely with the music in the song and it does establish a good question...but they answer it with:
"Well, why do I feel so weighed down by it?"
Although you can say that the truth she is holding is "weighing her down," it breaks the rhythm that was set in the first lyric by cramming in a lot of words. How it should be, as a example:
"Then why am I so weighed down by it?
Its not a good example, since there is still strain and breaks rhythm still, but the strain isn't so bad as cramming in so many words into one line. Lyrics need to flow nicely with the music, and if you can't do that, then fix the lyrics until it sounds right.
The next lyrics I don't have a problem with:
"If I could show them everything I've seen
Open their eyes to all the lies then
Would they change their minds like I did?"
I still would say that there is still strain since it is cramming in more words than it needs to. But as I said, I don't have a big problem with it, minus that nick pick.
"But when I speak, they tell me, "Sit down"
But how can I when I've already started runnin'?"
Okay, my next problem, which will be very noticeable in the next lyrics, is the use of But, Then, And. Its fine to have them in songs, including at the begining, but it should not be the driving force of the song or aka, BE USED SO MUCH. You can still use the words, just use it sparingly. Also, there is a lot of "slang" words, like the one right here: "runnin". In medival times, they would not say it like that. They would most likely say running, than runnin. And they don't know slang soooooo BE MORE ACURATEEEEEEE
"Oh, this is where we've been
But it's not where we belong
And I may be young, but I know I'm not wrong"
One thing I wanna say, is that she should basically say "oh everything I knew was wrong" instead of saying "I am not wrong". She just sounds like a hypocrite. Like, she firmly believes that her morals are right, rather than trying to look at Magnifico's perspective and try to understand him, which mind you, she does not do at all throughout the entire movie. Also, just remove And for the last lyric, it does not need to be there. It sounds better when it just says: I may be young, but I know I'm not wrong. Idk why it is there, when it didn't need to be there in the first place.
"So I look up at the stars to guide me
And throw caution to every warning sign"
Some AI mess there, am I right? Alright, so she is throwing cation at the wind, or in her terms, she is being cautious at every warning sign, which is basically what warning signs do. They warn bystanders to ensure their safety and take the next steps carefully. Sooo what is she throwing cation at? The wind? This is legit so confusing like why would you have this in your song? If it doesn't make sense logically or even character wise, just don't have it in there, and try again and make it something else.
"If knowing what it could be is what drives me
Then let me be the first to stand in line"
Sooo...what is it? Please tell us! We wanna know Wish Asha :3
"So I make this wish
To have something more for us than this
So I make this wish
To have something more for us than this"
Thats...not what I meant.
So we all know this is a "I want song". So she should be saying what she wants, but what she wants is so vague. What do you want? Power? Freeing the wishes? Star Boy? Wait thats my wish woops This lyric is very vague. You can change it to: "I want something more for us than this", which sounds a lot better, and given the context to whatever you are writing, it can work. I dont have a problem with other people having this lyric in their songs, but for her character, shouldn't she say something that she wants?
"Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah
Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, ah-ah
More than this, oh-ah-ah-ah"
Hahah...VERY POPPY.
Its nice though, so I better give credit to where it is due.
"I never knew I needed room to grow"
Idk what to say here, it just sounds off, since she sounds like a idiot. Of course there will be room to grow, but I guess it was used for the viewer to relate to her more? Idk man...
" Yeah, I did what I was told when someone told me "no" "
Me fr tbh
"Now I've got all of this freedom in my bones
But I've still got the lid on, so it doesn't overflow"
Again, you don't need to use slang words in your song, especially so when your character would not know these terms well. If your character is set in a specific era, miminize the slangs at least. I don't have a problem with it, I just dont want it to be overused.
" 'Cause I've got reservations and hesitations
On where I should even begin"
I like this lyric! Just remove 'cause and it would flow nicely.
"I'm past dipping my toes in
But I'm not, no, I'm not past diving in"
ehhhh...I have mixed feelings on this one....I know it is a medaphor, but she didn't need to repeat herself? I'm just saying...
"If I could just be pointed in any given direction
On where to go and what to do"
The fact these lyrics that mimics Lin-Manuel Miranda sound better than the entire song is beyond me. I genuinely like this line! And it is weird feeling that way since I normally dread listening to it. But I guess putting my head in a new perspective and actually putting thought into the lyrics probably changed my opinion lol. Doesn't change my opinion on the song though.
"My legs are shaking, but my head's held high
The way you always taught me to"
This is actually a really good line since it sounds heartbreaking. Putting it through her perspective, her father died when she was 12, and she is 17 in the film, I'd still imagine that she is, although trying not to show it, still grieving the loss of her father, and you can say she somewhat breaks here. Its really good and I really like it!
If only that we knew more of her father to understand her perspective more, other than he liked star gazing, but hey, what do I know?
She is somewhat saying the same thing from the pervious lyrics, so I'll speed run this:
"So I look up at the stars to guide me
And throw caution to every warning sign"
Again, change it please. No need for it here.
'I'm sure there will be challenges that find me
But I can take them on one at a time"
OG Asha: Very confident of herself
My version of Asha: What is confidence?
"So I make this wish
To have something more for us than this
So I make this wish
To have something more for us than this"
god I know this is a pop song, BUT STOP REPEATING YOURSELF PLEASEEE
'Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah (so I make this wish)
Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, ah-ah (to have something more)
More than this, oh, ah-ah-ah"
Something funny was that when I first listened to the song, I thought that the chorus was saying "Don't make this wish to have something more". It might be just me though.
'So I make this wish
To have something more for us than this"
So here is my last nick-pick. Why does she end on a solemn note? It doesn't fit at all, and breaks the way the song is played. Asha should have ended on a high note, like her voice is "reaching for the stars".
(HA SEE WHAT I DID THERE?)
It also flows nicely with the instrumentals when it ends on a high note, so I don't know why she ends it on a sad note. It doesn't make sense, especially for her character.
So those are my problems with the lyrics. Sooo, why does it suck mainly?
Well she sounded selfish in context, especially when I watched the first time and on recent re-watch. It doesn't even help much when I barely know anything about her and what her goals and wants are, minus the "I want something more." But what more does she want? Power? Wishes? Stars? It doesn't make sense. She should at least state what she wants or her have a solemn moment of thinking: wait, I know what I want! Before she ends on her high note, it being what she really wants.
It also doesn't help when the song is just another copy of "God Help the Outcasts" from Hunchback of Notre Dome, but done worse. And something that really pissed me off, was when the writers said that "All disney princesses have something that THEY want and never a selfless want." (not accurate to what they said btw) And I was VERY pissed off when they said that, since it felt like a personal insult to Hunchback of Notre Dome, a movie I have HIGH respect for, for what it did and accoplished, and is one of my fav disney movies. They really insulted Esmeralda like that. HOW DARE YOU.
I'm done talking about the lyrics, legit I'm done. Lets move on to how I would rewrite the song:
How I would rewrite the song
Okay first of all, we need to give Asha a better goal/wish than wanting something more, since it doesn't specify anything.
So what I would do, is her say what she wants.
Plus, the song doesn't have her process what just happened. So I want it to fix it to where she reflects as she puts on a newer perspective on the "truth's" they were told.
And I uhh..CHANGE THE INSTUMENTALS. I dont mind it in the final product, but the demo sounded SO MUCH BETTER and so much NICER, so change it to the demo hehe.
For context for my version of Asha, she is the adopted daughter of Amaya and Magnifico. You may think that it would be more difficult with a character that is in royalty that is supposed and should be siding with her people instead of her corrupted parents, but I dove into how that would work in my other rant here.
So Asha, in my version, is very less confident in herself. She also believes that the people are wrong for thinking the way they do about her parents (some of them think that way mind you). So when she finds out what her parents do to their wishes, her world view is legit crushed by this new revelation, and now she just...doesn't know what to do. Most of the people of Rosas hate her since she is "royalty". And she cant turn to her caretakers since they will tell her to just ignore it and move on. She is alone in a sense. She also knows very little about her real parent's, just knowing that her father used the stars for guidance and drove mad because of it. So with that perspective, she would try and reach for the stars (IK I KEEP REFRENCING THIS AU HELP) for help. She also normally does things alone, so it is more difficult for her to ask for help, even when she needs it.
Also, before she breaks into song, Valentino is there to comfort her as she process what happened to the wishes. She is crying with this new revelation, but Valentino wants to be there for her since he wants to make sure she is happy :3
Before we get into the actual song rewrite, I need to say this:
I AM NOT A PROFFESIONAL SONG WRITER. I just mainly did this for fun and fixed the things that mainly bugged me and to fit the context for my version of Asha. Plus, there is no right or wrong way for fixing the song! Just make it the way you want it to be percived by others, and have fun with it!
Ok, now with that out of the way, Lets get into the song!
This Wish (The Kingdom Of Roses and Thorns Ver.)
(Play this in the background when you read the song :3)
And no, there is no spodify version of the song, which sucks-
Asha: Purple
Stars: Yellow
My Notes: Bold
Wasn’t truth supposed to set them free?
Why am I so weighed down by it?
This task that's right in front of me
To open their eyes, to all their lies
And then change their minds like I did
So what she is saying here is basically the same as the original, with slight changes. She now feels more pressured with the truth she now knows, and is very hesitant to actually say anything that would demine her caretaker's reputation. After all, "they took her in when no one else did" so why should she go against them? They don't deserve it now do they? I also wanted this to have more weight, like how the line started with "Why am I so weighed down by it" and she states what she is weighed down by. And what she means by "set them free" she thought that learning the truth of why the people of Rosas are miserable would make her change how she sees them view them, or to prove them wrong. And oh boy, she was wrong. I also wanna say that not everyone in Rosas thinks this way towards the royals. They are more fearful and more prone to do whatever they want. They also are like the king and queen, ignoring the problems and move on, but this time, if they cause problems, they can get in trouble.
If I speak, they’ll tell me to “sit down”
If I speak, they’ll tell me to “just turn away”
This is how her parent's pass the problems the kingdom has. Ignore it, forget it, and move on. She was taught that way. And this also can be applied to how she was treated when she was younger. There is also a tone of fustration here since you can say she is still treated like this, like her voice of thoughts are just downplayed by some silly manipulation from her parents or that the citizens don't want to hear what she has to say since she is "royalty".
But the truth that we were told
Was not what we had thought
And all the teachings we were all taught
Was just all…wrong
This is mainly her processing what she was taught in a new perspective.
If I look up at the stars to guide me
Won't they force me back in line?
Although I don’t know how I should start this
I should at least try or no one will
She knows very little about her parents, other that one was a philosopher, both "abandoned her at the kingdom's doors", and that their way of thinking was wrong. Here, with the truths she knows, she is now wondering if her parent's ideologies were right, and if everything she knew from what her adoptive parent's told her, was wrong. She is here taking account for what she knew of what her biological parents did, and trying it for herself. I feel like some parts are a bit awkward and I wanna fix it I just don't know how yet. She is also slightly overthinking hehe. Plus no one in Rosas looks up at the sky to dream or wish anymore, hense why she says "I should at least try or no one will."
So I make this wish
For their dreams of hope and bliss…
No, I just want this wish
To be something more for us than this
For starters, this was pretty fun to write! Second, this is her holding back on what she really wants. You'll see what she wants at the end of the song, but here, she just thinks that saying it from her head would work, instead of saying it from the heart.
Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah (We hear your wish)
Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, ah-ah (So why are you holding back?)
More than this, oh-ah-ah-ah
Bet you weren't expecting the starts to talk to her quietly. No, she can't hear them, they're too far away, except for us ofc. And no, Aster/Star is not asking this, almost all of the wishing stars interested in helping her is questioning why she is holding back on her wish. And yes, I thought adding the chorus from the end should be here also so it would flow nicely with the music. It is also to fix the complaint: "where is the chorus coming from", so now it is coming from the stars and not in the air.
I was told that life was grand and fine
We all did what we were told when they told us no
But with the lies and false hopes, we were told
Should I just turn away?
When everything is at stake?
I feel like this is her flaw right her. She is backing out on the situation and wants to turn away, even though it will only make everything worse if she doesn't do anything about it. I also want to fix the upper part of the lyrics to imply what she means by false hopes and lies so the audience knows what she is talking about, I just donno how to execute it right now.
I just got reverations and hesitations
On where I should even begin
If I make this wish there will be
More at stake than there ever will
If I could be pointed in any given direction
On where to go and what to do
“Keep your head down and just turn away”
But I just can’t ignore this now
This isn't her overcoming her flaw btw, she just realizes that if she backs out, nothing will get better, and nothing will change. She is also quoting her parents there, where she wants to help her citizens, but they just tell her to turn away and ignore it. Plus, if she asks for help, she could loose everything: her caretakers, her friends, a roof over her head. All just for trying to do the right thing.
I will look up at the stars to guide me
With nothing to hold me back this time
I know there will be challenges that'll find me
But I will take them on, one at a time
This is her now up for the challenge of making change, though, I would want her voice to be a little fearful, since she is going against everything her parents stood for.
I will make this wish
For their dreams of hope and bliss…
I will make this wish
I want something more for us than this!
Its similar to the previous one. Just that she is now saying "I want this:" in a sense. She still is holding back though.
Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah (To make this wish)
Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, ah-ah (you need to take the risk)
More than this, oh, ah-ah-ah
The stars are telling her to actually take the risk of actually wishing for something rather than holding back on it. Their chorus is more quieter, since they heard her voice, just that, she is still holding back, which is making the stars feel like they can't help her situation until she actually wishes for real, so they start turning away ... except for one.
(speaking) More than this…
I would like the instruments to pause here, to take a breather if you will. Asha also says this here, since she realizes she isn't being honest with what she truly wants. So instead of saying what is on her mind, she is saying from her heart, which is how stars actually come down to help. Your wish has to be from the heart, not the mind, or something you think you want. They aren't genies. Asha throughout the song is just backing out and hense more hesitant until now. She is also looking at the stars at this point to wish upon! Can you guess who?
So I make this wish
I want their dreams to have…a…CHANCE
(It ends with a high note btw) And here she is saying what she really wants. It is still a selfless act, and she isn't saying for all the dreams to be granted, no, she wants the people to have a chance of pursuing their dreams before it is too late. I might change it later since it is somewhat awkward, but I think it is a nice note to end off for now.
Conclusion
(sketch version from my last post lol)
So yeah thats how I would write the song!
None of this is perfect, and this is also my first time actually writing out lyrics for a song, so their is bound to be some flaws.
I also accept all criticism since I would like to improve this song for a little something :3
Anyways, thanks for reading! Hope you guys have a great day, or night!
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Hey, had this image of Morpheus as a massive Raven hovering in the air behind Daniel in my head and thought you would maybe like it as well. Maybe I'll draw it one day but until then I've written it. Hope you enjoy this :)
The dark entity rises in front of Dream while he watches with neither anger nor fear only a hint of curiosity on his fine boyish features.
"Now Dreamlord what shall I do to you, after I’ve slayed your oh so loyal pet?" The entity gestures dismissively to the bloody body of the Corinthian lying on the ground. "You are just a child after all nothing like your predecessor. Not even worse a challenge, letting others fight your fights."
Dream’s lips twitch. "I apologize for the transgressions of my nightmare, he is sometimes a bit overeager." A short glance to the side confirms that said nightmare is already getting up again while cursing quite colorfully under his breath. "But if you rather want to measure yourself with my predecessor than me I can certainly ask him if he would be willing to do so. But I should warn you he won't be in the best mood. As far as I know, he had a date planned for this evening."
"What?" The entity frowns in confusion. Dream however closes his eyes and hums under his breath. The Corinthian has by now staggered to his lord's side complaining about his ruined suit. After a moment the new Dreamlord opens his eyes again and smiles a little bit brighter now. "He will be here shortly." The smile gets a little mean tilt. "I hope you don't mind his form though, he was indeed not pleased to be interrupted."
Before the entity can answer a strong wind sweeps over the area. Sand and little stones swirl around and lift into the air. The wind picks up more and more before a huge black shape dives out of the sky.
With one powerful beat of its massive wings, it stops short of touching the ground. Black as night it hovers behind the young man, making his white curls and clothes dance in the gust of its beating wings.
Dream smiles up at the monstrous raven, the stars in his eyes reflecting back at him from the dark ones of the beast.
"I'm sorry for the interruption of your evening but this guest here thought you would be a worthier challenge than me," the young man says with a beatific smile.
A deep rumbling scratching sound, a grotesque rendition of a chuckle, comes from the raven. "Then he must not know who he faces."
"It appears to be so. But perhaps he would like to compare, if you would like to join me?"
Again the rumbling scratching chuckle from the raven, "With pleasure. Let us show him the old and new terror of Nightmare. He may decide afterward which was more to his liking."
The Corinthian scoffed, "Sure you haven't gone soft in your retirement Morpheus?"
The raven turns his massive head towards the nightmare. "You are welcome to judge as well, little nightmare. Though I do not think this will take long." With that the raven turns to the entity in front of them. It seems to flinch when the dark eyes fix it in place. "Not long indeed. Shall we, my dear successor?"
"After you, Morpheus," the young man in white says, smile still on his soft lips, though as he turns to the entity, sharp teeth seem to glint behind them.
Just Morpheus and Daniel tag teaming and completely obliterating whoever thought to stand in their way. Morpheus would be so offended on Daniel's behalf here. How dare anyone think his successor would not be better than him.
Btw no idea what the situation with Morpheus here is, he is retired but can still visit the dreaming and be either nightmare or dream, really no idea, only had the image and no context XD
Anon this is glorious! I cannot express what an honour and delight it was to find this waiting in my ask box!
I love how you captured Daniel, the 'boyish' sweetness with something decidedly more sinister lurking beneath the surface. He's so assured in this and it's sublime. The way his challenger uses Morpheus as a goad, but Daniel just shrugs it off in a, 'Well, it's your funeral' kind of way. 😅
I absolutely adored the relationship between Morpheus and Daniel. I think so often, we (myself included) picture their relationship as an imbalanced mentor/ student or retired!human/Endless one. But here, they have such a fist bump, we got this moment. They've got a perfect equilibrium in power and relationship and I love it! And Morpheus being offended on Danny's behalf. My heart! 💖💖💖
And the Corinthian rushing in there like a protective attack dog. Even though he knows Dream can more then handle the situation. Because ofcourse he would. And I think I'm now going to have to offically headcanon Cori getting a cheeky one liner in about retirement/here's the old guard/OK boomer whenever he meets Morpheus. 🤣
Hmmm, I've always liked to picture the relationship between Daniel and retired! Morpheus being more fluid. Almost a ying yang in that they have a little of each other in them. There's no saying Morpheus can't still tap into a little Endless in the Dreaming, while Daniel can tap into a little humanity in the Waking. Especially in regards to your fic, I love to think the links not entirely severed.
Once again thank you so much for this! I can't express how happy I was to read it. If you ever do illustrate it, please let me know!
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