singleloverr - Tumblr blog

singleloverr · 1 month

Text

untitled - j.jk.

genre: angst, fluff (firstlove! slowburn!) (11.5k)

summary: jungkook was your first love but first loves were supposed to end, they were supposed to be a fond memory to look back on but your first love never leaves your life, nor does he stay in it.

note: this is inspired from my first love <3

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even if years, ages, and places separate you, maybe you’ll love jungkook all over again every time.

you had met him in school, in college, on a different continent but he never stayed in your life for too long, and you hadn’t stayed in his either.

but now that you believe you wouldn’t see him again, only because you were standing next to your soon-to-be-husband, you believe your never-pausing story needed to be told.

and oh, would you look at that? it seems like jungkook has entered the venue to hear it too.

it was the 9th grade when you first met him.

it was simple and so innocent.

you had your new school bag resting behind you, and your shoulders kept knocking against your sisters as the bus drove on the road and abruptly stopped at a place that it never did before; down the lane from your home.

you curiously looked out and heard your bus manager faintly mumbling something about a new student joining the bus.

and there he was, a head full of bouncy hair and a smile that wasn’t exactly present. even as he walked the length of the bus with his head down, he didn’t give off insecurity, it was more like he avoided looking at most people.

he sat down, right behind you, his legs stretching could be seen under your seat and you didn’t look back just yet. you had no idea why.

your sister, sunny, turned around, hand clasping the seat, and eagerly asked, “you’re in B section, aren’t you?” your ears perked up at that, and you subtly leaned in to listen to him.

why you had been curious at all about someone whose face you hadn’t seen, is something that was beyond you but you were consumed inside out with curiosity from the beginning.

he nods at your sister and doesn’t offer another word but when you tilt your head to look back, you see him looking right at you.

that’s when it all began, there were no words at all, just a boy who hadn’t looked at anyone but looked at you as if he could draw you the very next second.

your sister, ever the extrovert, talked to jungkook every day, they laughed and made fun of each other, you smiled at their conversations but never contributed yourself. you listened though, and you listened well.

by week two, you knew how he sounded when he was bored.

you knew how his voice hitched when he was excited.

you knew how his voice would get low whenever he pulled a sarcastic joke on your sister.

jungkook’s eyes would dance to the back of your head, wrapped neatly in a ponytail every single morning, to see if you would turn back, to see if he could catch a glance of those small smiles you let out sometimes but most days, he would just talk loud enough for you to hear about him.

he never understood why he had wanted you to listen, but he couldn’t tell you anything directly, and he wanted to look cool, sound cool, make jokes in a cool way, in a way that would make you laugh and once he got home, he always felt ridiculous for feeling that way.

and then, as if a miracle, your sister didn’t come to school one morning, jungkook could see you alone, ponytail brushed back as always, school bag resting on your thighs, and felt a stabbing need to hear your voice, talking to him.

he settled behind you, legs stretching again and his fingers danced on his thighs as he thought of a way to talk to you, just then your head tilted slightly, as if you were trying to catch a look at him and jungkook felt his smile burn into his skin.

“why did sunny not come today?” you jumped as he fully leaned on the back of your seat, your eyes drifted to his face, “she’s not well.”

those were the first words you had ever spoken to him.

“why is she not well?” was not his best, but he needed to keep it going.

sunny was on her period.

“stomach ache,” you murmured, ignoring how his eyes twinkled with each word that escaped out of you. you hadn’t believed that eyes could twinkle up until that day, but then again you think you’ve never seen jungkook’s eyes twinkle with anyone else.

“she must’ve eaten something bad, didn’t she? she seems the type to be careless like that,” jungkook snickered and your face grew red hot, “what she eats or doesn’t eat, isn’t any of your business.”

your tone, your eyes narrowing sharply to glare at him, was a sight jungkook would get used to later, but for now, he didn’t know how to react.

he was taken aback that you had gotten so serious over a simple joke, then it clicked to jungkook that you were one of those oddly protective people. nothing else could explain your red cheeks and furrowed eyebrows.

and he grew giddy.

you were oddly protective.

a new thing he got to learn about you because he had conjured up the courage to start a conversation.

“my bad,” he shrugs into his seat, and his nonchalant response makes you feel guilty, so you sigh and turn back fully to face him.

that was the first time you saw him straight on, with no sideway glances, no peripheral view of him, just his face and nothing else.

“you have adam sir for physics too, right?”

it was something you picked up from the multiple conversations you overheard.

“um yeah?” he wasn’t sure where you were going with this, “does he come into your class with chalk on suspicious places too?”

you were talking about your dear adam sir who constantly came to class with chalk all over the front and back of his pants crotch area, everyone but adam sir himself knew about his crotch chalk.

and jungkook laughs out loud, “oh my god, yes, i don’t know whether to be horrified or mildly impressed with his lack of self-awareness,” and you laughed too.

when you stopped and looked at him once more, he was already looking at you and the smile on your face didn’t break until you reached home.

it was normal now, you and sunny would turn around, talk to jungkook until you reached school, and then wait for the evening, when you could talk to him until you reached home.

you were quick to anger, he noticed.

you often fought with guys in your grade with a rage that both scared and fascinated jungkook.

you were calm with people you liked, you were fun with people you liked, you were passionate about things you believed in.

you always were a bit frustrated with him, but you still laughed at his jokes.

he was sarcastic, you noticed.

he had no interest in most things.

he didn’t like drama but always knew everything about everyone.

he always looked at you after he made a joke, as if to check if you thought it was funny, if you thought he was funny.

and you would always laugh, he would always feel a seed of pride in him whenever you turned away, hiding your laughing face in your palms.

you knew he liked you; you weren’t oblivious or stupid.

you’re not sure who he told or how it even came out, but suddenly, everyone around you knew about it.

the rumors started a month after you talked to him, you had known him for six weeks which felt like six years, but you didn’t like him back.

he knew that you didn’t like him back.

but that didn’t stop him from trying to look cool to you.

something his friends never let him succeed at.

on children’s day, you were allowed to wear anything besides your uniform, and that was a very exciting thing then, you always wore your best outfits because your mom believed in looking good and feeling good.

you were standing in the middle of the ground, waiting for your friends to come back from getting food when someone tapped swiftly on your shoulder, it was one of jungkook’s friends, smiling at you as if he knew you. you didn’t know the guy; you only knew he was jungkook’s friend.

“hey, could you take a photo for us?” he mused, you almost said no, but then you peeked around him, to see jungkook with his very huge group of friends, he wasn’t looking at you, he was looking at everything but you.

it confused you.

his friend’s smile got wider when he noticed you staring at jungkook, you ignored him and took the phone dangling from his hands, you watched as they all got closer and started smiling.

jungkook’s smile was so small, so invisible, so you yelled, “smile everyone!” and you tried not to smile too when his smile took over his entire face until you couldn’t see anything else.

“thanks,” his friend came and took his phone, jungkook left, eyes glancing over his shoulder where you stood, an unavoidable warmth spread through your fingers.

but you didn’t like him.

not the way he liked you.

right?

“he likes you, he told his friends and well, they told my friends, who told me,” sunny rambled beside you, shifting through her closet and you didn’t know what to say, “do you like him?” she turned around to you, eyebrows raised as if she judged you a little if you did, and you shrugged.

“no, how can anyone like him?”

you had people who admired you, liked you even, but very few were honest or brave about it.

so, when the sister of a guy who you thought was only your friend, knocked on the window of your seat, you were confused. she smiled, “this is for you,” she pushed a letter, bracelet, and chocolate into your hands once you opened it, running away before you could ask anything.

you saw your friend peeking from the corner of a bus, watching your reaction to his confession, you looked away and shoved the letter and bracelet into the front pocket of your bag.

jungkook watched the whole exchange silently, a strange jealousy settled in his stomach as he looked out the window to glare at your friend, who sadly only had his eyes on you. then, he watched you and tried to understand what you felt from the back.

it wasn’t easy.

his friend gasped and howled next to him, “she got a letter, bro” he teased jungkook loud enough for you to hear, jungkook waited for you to turn around and tell his friend to shut up and mind his own business.

but you didn’t, you didn’t get angry like you usually did.

you were hyper-focused on the bracelet resting in your bag, and jungkook scoffed at it, he could do better, he won’t, but he could.

“she got a letter and you’re still just sitting here,” his friend tutted at him and jungkook shrugged his friend’s arm around his shoulder, scowling at him.

you rested your head on your window and closed your eyes, letting the warmth of the sun penetrate you.

when it was just the two of you on the bus, he leaned forward, “he wrote you a letter?”

“yeah, he did.” it was embarrassing to tell jungkook for some reason, it felt like cheating, receiving a letter from someone else when he was right behind you, though none of those feelings held any validity.

“he gave you a bracelet and chocolate? that’s just childish,” he snickered and expected you to laugh with him but you didn’t, “we’re still kids,” you mumbled instead, and jungkook straightened.

“do you like him?”

“no.”

“do you like anyone?”

“no.”

“why?” he stood with his bag in his hands, the bus waiting for him to get down and you didn’t notice his nervous stammer then, you were too confused by the bracelet and chocolate in your bag.

“i just don’t.” he nodded and left.

you kept the letter and bracelet in your school memories box.

somewhere jungkook knew that you knew, but he was always grateful that you acted like you didn’t know.

but it was unbearable for him.

seeing your swaying ponytail every morning, hearing your laughter ring in his ears at times when you weren’t even around him, driving by your house a few fifty times a day to see if you were talking in the balcony sometimes because you did that sometimes, sometimes it felt to jungkook that you did it for him.

sometimes you did it for him, for him to see you.

why?

no one knows.

you and jungkook were friends, only friends.

you and him were friends, but you never talked when others besides sunny were around, your conversations were yours and his, and no one else’s.

you weren’t sure that was how friendships worked, but you thought maybe friendship with jungkook worked this way.

he had your number but he never called, you had his number but you never called.

but one day, right before your final exams started, your phone rang and your heart stopped when you saw his name flash on your screen, you stared at the screen until your phone stopped ringing and didn’t touch your phone until it was night.

you opened it to several messages from jungkook and none of them were about school or the annoying kids on the bus or his annoying friends or your annoying friends.

jungkook: i like you.

jungkook: i think you know that. but i wanted to tell you.

jungkook: i know that you don’t like me, but i like you and i’ve tried to avoid it, but i see you every day, and i can’t avoid you, i can’t avoid how i feel.

jungkook: if you somehow like me, reply to this, if you don’t, don’t. just act as if nothing happened when we see each other tomorrow.

you couldn’t study anymore that night.

the next day, you turned back with sunny and talked to him as if nothing happened, you complained about your syllabus, he laughed that he didn’t even open his books, and sunny bragged that she finished everything and helped him with some important topics.

you ignored the pull in your heart at how openly his affection showed in his eyes now when he looked at you, his sentiment was simple, he had said his bit, and he had nothing to hide anymore but you grew heavy on that seat in front of him, you had everything to hide.

sunny squeezed your hand as you looked out the window.

she knew what happened.

your eyes filled with affection too, gave it away.

why did you never tell jungkook that maybe, just maybe, just a small part of you, a part of you that you wanted to destroy, liked him too?

you never understood why your sentiment cowered under layers whereas his laid naked in the world.

and middle school for you, high school for him, came close to ending by the time you ever confronted your feelings.

it was the last day for middle schoolers, you had a whole event thing in the school and dressed up accordingly, you had gone to school with your dad.

but once the day ended, you got onto the bus with a shirt full of your classmates' signatures and notes, you were a little late and flushed from the sun, you plopped down on your seat and fanned yourself.

sunny pulled the scribbled shirt from your hands, “god, you really filled it up,” you pointed to each signature and note, explaining who it was from, and when a huge note from some guy in the class who liked you came, sunny teased you and jungkook glared at the back of her head.

but a knot of sadness formed in his throat, he wouldn’t see you every day after this, he wouldn’t see you sleep on the bus, he wouldn’t hear the r-rated jokes that you whispered to sunny, thinking that no one could hear, he wouldn’t hear you silently cry after a bad day.

to jungkook, today felt like the end of a lifetime.

then you turned around, with tired eyes and a shy but carefree smile, you extended the shirt to him and said, “write something good, jungkook.” he felt as if he was going to fall off his seat.

his name in your voice was something he would remember for years to come.

he asked for a pen because of course, jungkook didn’t carry a pen in his bag that had one notebook, you scoffed and gave him one and he thought for very long.

i love you, felt wrong to write on a shirt that was littered with other people’s love for you.

and as he read each note, jungkook suddenly felt small, so many people loved you, much better people than him, he couldn’t even write anything as a goodbye to you whereas others wrote whole paragraphs.

he wrote something quickly, under your watchful and expectant gaze, and handed the shirt back with a weak smile.

‘be happy, always. jk’ looked back at you and you couldn’t help but laugh at his small handwriting next to everyone else’s. you didn’t notice his dejected posture, nor his distracted gaze out the window.

“really? that’s all?” you said with a teasing smile, extremely amused by his words and he shrugged at you, playing with his hands.

but he felt it when your smile dimmed and you turned around with a silent huff, he felt even smaller as he got down from the bus, craning his neck to see you and your yellow dress, for the last time in the bus that held all his adolescent love.

you didn’t look back at him.

your exams ended, you joined high school in a different part of the city, jungkook joined college in a different part but his home remained down the lane from yours.

you didn’t see him as much anymore, you only saw his car drive by through your window, but he did message you whenever he could, even if you didn’t see each other, you knew every person he knew, he knew every overbearing teacher you hated, you knew every class he skipped and that he started smoking, and he still knew just how to make you laugh to make you forget about the pressures of high school.

and calling him a friend, in the midst of all that, felt wrong, it felt so wrong, you were so alone in your high school, and he was the only tie to your familiar and comfortable past, so you confessed.

it wasn’t anything grand, you knew he liked you back, and you weren’t worried about getting rejected, but still, you held your breath as you typed a message to him.

you: i like you too.

you: it took me too long, didn’t it?

his reply was instantaneous.

jungkook: what.

then, your phone rang loudly, it almost fell from your hands and your mom eyed you suspiciously, you called out a friend's name to appease her and ran off to your room, shutting the door behind you and lifting the call with shaky hands.

“you’re not joking with me, are you?”

“no.”

“so, you like me?” you heard the smile in his voice and let your head fall against the door in a blissed-out sigh.

“i do.”

“really?”

you laughed, “really.”

“really, really?” you couldn’t stop giggling at the barely contained excitement and doubt in his voice, “really, really, jungkook.”

“fuck.” you faintly heard his laugh of disbelief on the other line and stopped yourself from sinking to the floor and talking to him for hours.

“text me, my mom’s awake still,” you mumbled, and he sighed but it was happy, it was out of relief, “yes, ma’am.”

jungkook ended the call with the biggest smile on his face, his back resting on his car, slid down as he tried not to squeal and jump in the air and his friends raised their eyebrows at him.

“what happened to you?”

“she told me she likes me,” he mumbled, the words feeling so much like a lie on his tongue but it was true, it was finally true, and even if he didn’t say the name, his friends knew exactly who it was, “holy shit, really?” they crowded around him and started demanding for details but he brushed them all off.

“i have to go, i have to text her, i can’t do that when i drive, you guys will get back by yourself right?” he didn’t wait for their reply as he got into his car and started the engine, all he heard before pulling away was, “that lucky bastard.”

and he was, he was the luckiest man in the world.

turns out, jungkook was the luckiest man in the world for a few moments only. you were so sweet sometimes that he wanted to wax poetry about you, but he had expected that after your confession, you could date, he could call you his girlfriend, and you would go out to the movies, he would feed you popcorn and your head would rest on his shoulders.

but.

“i just think labels aren’t necessary,” he tried not to frown too deeply as your voice swam into his ears, “what do you mean?” he sat up on his bed, phone clutched tightly in his hands.

“isn’t it enough that we like each other? why do we have to call each other boyfriend and girlfriend?”

“but why shouldn’t we?”

“jungkook, i don’t know how i feel about making it so…permanent,” on the other end of his phone, your eyes gathered tears because you didn’t know why you were saying the words you were, but the idea of dating seemed so immature to you, too troublesome and dramatic, you just wanted to like him and have him like you.

“are we not permanent?” he was only so young and so innocent; the words left him with a delicate veil of terror.

why weren’t you thinking of forever? you were his forever, were you not his?

“how could we be permanent? we’re kids,” your nervous laughter twisted his guts but he didn’t say a word, “do you not think of a future with me?” jungkook felt pathetic asking the questions he did.

“it’s not like that jungkook, i like you, of course, i do but shouldn’t we worry about us here in the present than somewhere in the future?”

it made sense to you because you were already apart, he was in college, you were in high school, he smoked now, you hated that, you grew more cynical, he hated that and later, you would only be further apart, who was to say you would stand the test of time?

but i love you, hung on his lips.

he just mumbled, “okay.” he never was okay with it and his disappointment couldn’t have been louder.

“jungkook, i still like you-“ your mom called out to you and your panic rose to your throat, “my mom’s calling, i’ll text you, okay?” and the line went dead.

jungkook fell back on his bed, his head was now heavy with you, he couldn’t help but notice that you kept saying that you liked him.

you never said that you loved him.

you: our school function is on the 26th, this is our chance.

jungkook: are you telling me i finally get to meet my girlfriend?

you: haha not your girlfriend but yes, you finally get to meet the girl of your dreams.

jungkook: emma stone is coming?

you: very funny jungkook, i’ll block you.

jungkook: now don’t go and do that, what will you wear?

you: you will see that day, what will you wear?

jungkook: you will see that day :D

you: so annoying.

jungkook: only to you :]

you: i’m excited to see you.

jungkook: you have no idea how long i’ve been waiting to see you.

at the school, your palms grew clammy as you walked around with your friends, and your dress flowed with you as you walked but you didn’t feel pretty that day. like every other teenager, you had a huge breakout of acne just the night before and you had cried, you didn’t want jungkook to see you like this.

you were sure that he had higher expectations for the girl he liked and while you usually didn’t care about others’ expectations of you, you cared about his.

you knew he was already in the school but you weren’t actively looking for him, you wanted to delay meeting him as much as you could, you didn’t want him to see your face and you didn’t look at your phone.

you let yourself be completely occupied with your friends even if you see him walk by a couple of times from the corner of your eyes. jungkook, on the other hand, just didn’t know how to approach you, he didn’t know if he’d be disturbing your time with your friends or if he’d annoy you by acting too clingy, so he stayed away as well.

sunny observed the whole exchange in bits and pieces and couldn’t believe how ridiculous you two were being. as his friend and your sister, she decided to take things into her own hands.

so, as you laughed and talked to your circle of friends, she pulled on your arm, took you aside, and whispered, “dude, why aren’t you talking to him? he’s been waiting for you.”

“i thought he was with his friends,” you lied, and she sighed, “he hasn’t hung out with them, to make sure he had time with you and i don’t know what is going on with you, but your boyfriend is waiting for you and you need to go.”

“not my boyfriend,” you mumbled as she dragged you around to where he was sitting.

until you saw him, very well-dressed, with shiny shoes, a crisp shirt, and a lopsided grin, none of what you had with him felt real.

but seeing him made it real, it made your love for him take a physical form, you weren’t sure you could handle that sense of reality just yet.

romance, love, affection, all of it was easy through a screen but seeing his finger ridges in real life and wanting to hold them, was hard.

“hey,” he mused, patting the spot next to him and you didn’t sit, you hid your face behind your hair and muttered a greeting, and sunny gagged next to you, “can you please not do this lovey-dovey shit in front of me?”

jungkook was enjoying it though, his girl, not his girlfriend apparently but still his girl, was too shy to see him.

the ever-fierce, angry, witty, and smart girl disappeared and in front of him, was just a girl in love. and even if you never said it, he felt it in the moment.

“okay, i’ll go now,” sunny said, but you grabbed her arm, “stay,” you whispered to her and she geared up to start cursing at you only for jungkook to say, “stay, it’s fine.”

he realized that if sunny was around, you would at least say a few things, because right now, he couldn’t see anything but your hair.

so, sunny stayed.

and they talked, you chimed in, it felt like the first day of talking to him on the bus. jungkook observed that you were a bit more grown up now, a bit taller, only a bit though and a bit softer than when you were in school, and just like he loved the loud, rude, and angry girl, he loved the soft, shy, still angry girl, that he was looking at.

you thought he was looking at you because you looked different, uglier, and that he was contemplating just letting you go.

but that night, when you returned home and texted him, you felt like the prettiest girl in the world.

you: so emma stone didn’t come, how do you feel?

jungkook: heartbroken but another girl made it up to me.

you: oh yeah, how was that?

jungkook: it was like i was seeing her for the first time again.

you: and?

jungkook: she’s more beautiful than i remember her being.

you: jungkook, i had pimples all over, you don’t have to lie to me.

jungkook: you don’t know yourself at all if you think some pimples take away from how beautiful you are.

you: you think so?

jungkook: i spent an hour looking at you, walking here and there in the school, so i’m confident about it.

you: i felt ugly today.

jungkook: that happens sometimes.

you: i don’t feel it anymore.

jungkook: you never should.

it was five days after the function, on new years, january 1st, that you two broke up.

things had been going so well but suddenly, they weren’t.

after the magical night at your school, he hung out with his friends a lot, and he started drinking, you were still too young for all that, and you were dying in your high school with never-ending exams and classes. both of you had forgotten about each other while also thinking of each other every second you could.

you were supposed to meet him on january 1st, in a café that he was raving about called the terrace, you had planned a whole thing so your parents wouldn’t get suspicious, you would go with your sisters to the café and come back with them, but spend all the time there with him.

it wasn’t easy to go behind your parents' back, it always felt like you were betraying them whenever you talked to jungkook but you were also in love, and your parents took a back seat for you on that day.

you waited in the café, and your sisters constantly asked where he was and when he was coming, you told them he would come in a minute or two, which stretched on for hours and the night ended with your sisters giving you pitiful gazes and long, silent hugs.

you came back home with an anger so familiar, so out of your control that you couldn’t see or say anything else.

“where were you?”

“i got drinks with my friends, i was going to leave i promise-“ and you cut the call, you watched your phone ring again and again until it went dead silent.

jungkook: please talk to me.

you: you know how difficult it is for me to come out with my parents watching my every move, you know how much i planned for this night and i did it because you kept blaming me for never going on dates.

jungkook: typing….

you: and when i do plan for a date, you end up going somewhere else?

jungkook: you think i don’t have a life of my own?

you blinked back tears that your anger let escape from your eyes, that was the first time you felt your chest physically hurt.

you: i never said that, jungkook.

jungkook: you know it’s funny because if you weren’t such a coward, maybe i wouldn’t have to beg you to meet me, maybe we would’ve already gone on dates, and today, i could enjoy with my friends the way i want to. you don’t even let me call you, my girlfriend.

you: don’t you dare call me a coward, my parents aren’t easy to deal with.

jungkook: saying that just makes you sound like even more of a coward.

you: if i’m such a coward, maybe you shouldn’t be with me anymore.

jungkook: maybe i shouldn’t, yeah.

you threw your phone aside, you wanted him to say i’m sorry, i fucked up, let me plan the next one, but instead, he was indifferent, as if nothing mattered to him anymore, as if you didn’t matter to him anymore.

you couldn’t picture this man as the same man who looked at you with stars in his eyes and a scary thought passed through your mind, he was madly in love with you only five days ago, and now, he wasn’t.

people could change, and then hurt you, so you vowed to yourself that you wouldn’t let anyone have the power to hurt you anymore.

you: so, we’re done?

jungkook: yeah.

you: please don’t smoke anymore.

jungkook: what i do is none of your business anymore.

and that was that.

you blocked him everywhere and he wallowed in his self-pity for days, you didn’t know how he was, which new people he met, if he smoked two or three cigarettes in a day anymore and he didn’t know about anything going on in your class, or about the new biology subject they introduced or about your friend's antics.

it was like he was never there in your life in the first place.

right after the breakup, you didn’t cry, you didn’t feel anything, you went to high school normally the next day and smiled while telling your friends, “i’m finally single!”

they looked concerned, then they laughed at your indifference to the breakup but your best friend leaned and asked, “are you okay?” and you nodded happily, “of course i am, he’s just a guy.”

but jungkook sadly wasn’t just a guy, he was your first love, your first ever brush with romance.

so, a month passed and you called your best friend.

sitting at the edge of your bed, you told her everything you knew about jungkook, you laughed at how stupid he could be sometimes, and you cursed him out for doing what he did but then, you started crying and you couldn’t stop crying, “i miss him, i miss my friend.”

she listened as you felt your heart finally tear apart inside you.

you knew you couldn’t trust anyone or love anyone again.

this time, it felt like a lifetime ended for you.

two years passed and you didn’t think of him anymore, you weren’t sure if he thought of you, you would only be reminded of his existence when exes and relationships came up in conversations with friends, those always ended with you bitterly cursing him.

you hated him.

the guy who showed you how love felt, was the guy you hated most now.

you moved cities, a better, bigger city and you tried to fall in love again, you did try.

you went on dates with your newly found freedom, you tried to like them and their stories, but the only stories that held any value to you from your youth were with or about jungkook. because you felt every face of your youth, with him.

and you couldn’t possibly talk about your first love with guys whose faces bled into each other until they all became one, and jungkook remained another.

but still, you rarely thought of him.

you didn’t think of him when you went on your first date ever (technically, you never went on a date with jungkook), you didn’t think of him when you called that guy every single night and told him superficial things about you, you never told him things that mattered, you had your first kiss and ended your first ever situationship.

but you weren’t hurt at all. you never gave another person the power to hurt you because you felt it once, and you had no intention to feel it again.

and after months of living in another city, you went back home for a while and your best friend insisted on going to the same café where you were supposed to meet jungkook, on the day of your breakup. it wasn’t her fault that it was the only good café in your tiny city.

you went.

you talked and laughed with your friend.

your phone pinged.

jungkook: you’re at the terrace?

perhaps, you forgot to mention that you unblocked him a while ago, it wasn’t to talk to him of course, it was just to remove negativity from your life (you wanted to feel that young love again).

you: yeah.

jungkook: wait.

you turned to your best friend with wide eyes, telling her that there was a huge possibility that jungkook was coming and she grimaced, she never liked him.

then, he strolled in, hands in pockets, and gave you this smile that covered years of doubt, you always thought he would glare at you and hate you but he just walked in, waved at you, and sat down without saying another word.

seeing him this up close after years of watching him from the corner of your eyes and the tilt of your head, filled you with a breathless excitement because he didn’t change, he didn’t change at all.

“hello, it’s been long,” he greeted you, and then the both of you broke into giggles at his formal tone, “it has been long, yeah.” you replied with a nod, begging for your eyes to hide their reviving affection.

then, you talked.

you had years to catch up on so you told him everything, you told him about your college, your still-horrible teachers, your friends, the new places you’ve explored, and how different everything was in the city you studied.

he listened with a carefulness that you never thought he possessed.

a simple but reckless thought caught you by the throat as jungkook leaned forward and laughed at something you said.

is this how it feels to make someone laugh?

is this how a date with him then would’ve been?

did i just miss out on everything good in life?

then, he told you everything and you listened.

jungkook stuttered multiple times because he had truly forgotten how his body got when you were around, he was suddenly aware of his every nerve, and he was aware of his fingertips that were centimeters apart from you, he was aware of your legs that were right next to his under the table and he was aware of you refusing to look at anyone but him as he spoke.

not even once did either of you acknowledge january 1st from two years ago.

“it’s 6 right now,” your best friend reminded you and you gasped, “already? shit, we have to go,” jungkook’s disappointment fell like water over his head and flooded his shoulders.

“where do you have to go?” he asked, as casually as he could.

“we have to meet another friend, a little bit far from here, so we’ve got to get going,” you said, and jungkook nodded, his car keys twirled in his hands, “do you mind dropping us?”

he almost jumped out of his seat to say yes, but remembered himself and nodded once again, “not a problem at all.”

all three of you were silent as you walked to his car which turned out to be a jeep of sorts, no surprises there and your friend got in the back, you got in the front and buckled your seat belt, your chest compressed a bit more as you tried to wave all of this as something friends did.

you were friends with him, in some way.

he got in as well and you felt twitchy in your seat, your eyes took in the unfamiliar car and jungkook watched as you saw another new thing in his life with boundless curiosity.

“you vape now?” you saw the three vapes thrown in the middle of the seat and he shrugged, “sometimes, you wanna try?” you shook your head, both as a reply to him and to shake away the odd memory of january 1st, when you had begged him to stop smoking.

“do you still smoke?”

“yep.”

you didn’t say anything as your heart sank.

he handed you his phone, as if it wasn’t something that contained everyone’s deepest, darkest secrets, he told you his passcode and let you choose whatever song you liked.

and as you scrolled through his song library, you found many songs that you had recommended to him years ago, “you still listen to these?”

jungkook tensed up, clearing his throat, he answered, “sometimes.”

you didn’t probe any further.

you didn’t play the songs you recommended either, things were weird already.

on the way, jungkook talked to your friend and then you, you talked to him, played all the songs you liked and at every stop sign, you ignored jungkook looking at you with a smile and soft eyes, as you turned to talk to your friend.

when you got down, you had a brief, disgusting thought of asking him to drive you around and just staying in his car to find out everything you missed in two years.

but you didn’t, you got down, you thanked him, he tipped his invisible hat at you and smiled, and you looked away, waving at him.

“not a word from you,” you told your smirking friend as you walked away from his car.

the rest of the night, you dreamed as your friends talked and got loud, you sighed as if you had someone to miss, you checked your phone constantly for any messages from him and sighed again when you didn’t get any.

but at midnight, your phone pinged.

jungkook: never thought i’d see you in my car lol.

you: never thought i’d be in your car.

jungkook: well, i’m always there if you need me.

jungkook: for a ride, i mean.

you: i’m always there too.

you: to give you company in your big, lonely car, i mean.

jungkook: is that so?

you: yeah, good night jungkook.

jungkook: god, good night.

both of you fell asleep with hope brimming in your dreams that night.

so, it started again, you texted every day, you told him everything you did in a day and he did the same for you, he still had this incredible ability to make you laugh when you felt down and you still fascinated him to no bounds.

and days bled into each other, you returned to the city where you studied, feeling a bit more homesick than you had before.

you got to know that he had failed some subjects in class, “how many?” you whispered as if it was a secret that no one should know, you couldn’t imagine failing, and he laughed, “it’s only five, you don’t have to ask like that,” but five failed subjects would’ve given you a heart attack.

he got to know that you started research with your professor, “will i understand even if you tell me what it is?” and you laughed, “i don’t think so,” he would later console you when the professor steals your work, “he sounded like a dick anyway, you deserve a much better mentor,” he pursed his lips when he heard you sniff on the other end, “do you think so?” and he couldn’t believe how little faith you had in yourself, “of course, i do.”

you started talking at night too, and those conversations, well, you never thought you would think of them again because they were so raw and so true and they reminded you of things that you thought you had forgotten.

through a phone, you both laid your hearts bare.

“have you been with anyone after…” his voice was rougher than you remembered, as if age and life had worn it down but both of you were still so young.

you weren’t as young as you once were though.

“yeah, one guy. and you?” you twisted the necklace resting on your collarbones as you asked him slowly, you didn’t want to know but you also wanted to know.

“a couple of people, yeah.”

“oh.” your disappointment was only felt by the four walls holding you in your room.

“none of them worked out though…none of them felt real,” jungkook bounced the smiley face foam ball in his hand as he stared up at the wall.

you didn’t know if he said that to console you or if it was just how things went.

“why not?”

“well, it all got so physical, there was no love or affection, i mean i didn’t feel it at all,” and you sucked in a breath, trying not to let jealousy coat your tongue when you spoke, “physical, huh.”

“don’t say it like that,” he laughed, sitting up on his bed, “these days, that’s how it goes, it shouldn’t but yeah, i guess sex just takes a front seat in relationships now.”

you didn’t want to talk about sex with jungkook, you didn’t want to know who he did it with.

“maybe.” you answered dismissively and he laughed again, “ey why are you being so awkward about it? it’s a natural thing,” and you groaned in embarrassment, “can we change the subject?”

“of course,” you sighed out in relief, “tell me, have you done anything at all?” you wanted to hit him through the phone and you let him know that, “i’m going to hit you, i swear to god, jungkook.”

“you gotta catch a flight for that now, so” he whistled into the phone and you didn’t fight the smile growing on your face, there were no witnesses except the darkness in your room, you were free to do whatever.

“i’ve only had my first kiss,” and jungkook regretted asking the question.

he had always thought he would be your first kiss.

“oh yeah?” he asked, no longer interested in knowing but for you, because it was already out, you wanted to share more with him, as a friend, so you kept going, “yeah, it was in a car,” your first kiss wasn’t bad, honestly it was everything anyone would want in a first kiss.

after saying that, you realized how dirty kissing in a car sounded, so you gasped and corrected, “but it was just a kiss, nothing else happened.”

jungkook shook his head, smiling into his phone, you still sounded so young, so much like the girl he fell in love with, “you don’t have to explain anything to me or anyone, you know that right?”

“right.” you breathed out, scolding yourself for overreacting.

“but, you know,” he said, in a softer tone, as if his next words contained magic, “yeah?” you whispered, your fingers now clutching your locket with all your strength.

“i love what we had,” and your breath hitched, your eyes filled with tears, and your adolescence that loved him reared its head again, “our love was so pure.” he continued, sighing into the phone as he turned over in his bed.

he never loved anyone the way he loved you, he didn’t even know he was capable of so much love until he met you and jungkook gave up on feeling it all again.

he waited for your reply with bated breath, not knowing if he went too far.

“it was.”

he smiled again; his heart filled with something that he tried to push away.

“don’t you have class tomorrow?” he asked, glancing at the clock that shined bright with 3:34, and you yawned, “it’s fine, keep talking.”

jungkook bit his lip to stop himself from squealing in happiness, you wanted to stay awake just to talk to him, “still, we have tomorrow, we can talk later, you go and get some sleep.”

and there was silence for a few seconds before another yawn came from you, “you know what, you’re right but we’ll talk later,” you said, a bit dazed from how sleepy you were.

“i’m always right,” he snickered and you scoffed, “whatever, good night, jungkook.”

“good night.”

you couldn’t stop thinking of his voice saying that your love was pure even when you dozed off and he clutched his phone to his heart, he could only wait for tomorrow to come sooner.

it was nice, not knowing exactly what you guys were or acknowledging your past, it was nice to pretend that you had never hurt each other in the first place. and many days passed by with both of you together, but not together.

“what did you do today?” you hummed into the phone as you fell onto your bed, you heard shuffling on the other side, and then noises, “uh i’m out right now,” his voice came in gargled and broken.

“oh, okay.” somehow, even if you tried to not think of it, you thought of how he never showed up to what would have been your first-ever date because he was out.

“i’ll call you later, is that alright?” he sounded like he was screaming over the sound and you couldn’t help but feel dejected, even if you had no right to feel that way now, “yeah, sure. have fun, good night.” you tried your best to sound perky and the call ended.

what were you even doing?

how did you think that talking to your ex would go or end well?

and why were you even still talking to the guy who broke your trust in people?

you rolled around on your bed, not being able to fall asleep, and not wanting to stay awake either, eventually, you gave up and read a book until you dozed off.

when you woke up the next day, there were no texts or calls from jungkook the way he’d promised he would. you threw your phone aside and got ready for the day.

then you woke up the day after, still nothing from him. and the day after, the day after that, and many days which you spent frustrated and alone.

you should’ve known how it would end with him.

jungkook: hellooo (4:40 pm).

you: hey (8:30 pm).

jungkook: busy day? (9:00 pm)

you: pretty hectic, yeah. (10:30 pm)

jungkook: call? (11:04 pm)

you: i’m pretty tired, another day? (11:10 pm)

jungkook: tomorrow? (11:24 pm)

you: another day. (11:37 pm)

jungkook: okay, good night. (11:45 pm)

you: good night. (12: 20 am)

jungkook: typing…

he threw his phone away.

you weren’t sure exactly how it happened but soon, there were no messages or calls from jungkook, you heard from sunny that he shifted from the home down your lane but you didn’t bother texting or calling him either, you held your head high during the day and missed his voice in the night.

after a couple of weeks of minimal communication, you returned home with a nervous smile on your face, you hoped no one in your house noticed how often you checked your phone or how you sometimes talked to yourself in the darkness of your room.

you went back to the same café, again it was no one’s fault that there wasn’t a better café in your city, you sat across your best friend, sipping on your hot chocolate and nodding to whatever she said, trying not to avert your gaze to your surroundings.

you’re sure you saw jungkook outside, but you’re not sure if he saw you and a nervous pit sat in your stomach at the thought of seeing him again.

why did meeting him feel like the first time every single time?

you shook your head, leaning in to hear your best friend until she got up to use the restroom, you leaned back on your chair and let out a sigh.

you couldn’t even enjoy some good brunch without thinking of his ridiculous face.

then, the door opens and you pay no mind to it, you scroll through your phone, liking and watching reels and then someone sits next to you, and your eyes immediately snap up to tell them to fuck off.

but then your eyes melt.

“hey,” jungkook smiles, one of his cheeks pressed against his fist that propped him up and you almost smile back, you almost forget everything again.

the calls he never made, the texts he never sent, how he acted suddenly too busy for you, the invisible rejection, you were ready to forget it all, but you couldn’t bring yourself to be okay with that.

“is it easy for you?” he sits up, his smile wavers a bit, “what do you mean?”

“is it easy for you to act like nothing happened? like we never fought and broke up?” you didn’t recognize your voice; it came out so stern but you felt so weak.

“but nothing happened, sure we broke up, but that’s a normal thing, everyone goes through breakups and ends up as friends.”

“are we friends?”

he does not answer, he looks away instead at the painting of a dog on the wall.

and your anger almost runs you over.

“jungkook, are we friends?”

“…yeah.” he hesitates, jungkook feels his heart in his throat as you stare at him with so much disappointment and so much hurt, he never knew that you cared about the breakup, he had always thought that you would’ve moved on very quickly but the tears flashing in your eyes proved him wrong.

he didn’t know what to do with the fact that you were hurt during the breakup, he only pitied himself and thought of himself but he never stopped to think that maybe you had enough love for him, to feel hurt too.

“as my friend, i need to tell you something then,” you gathered your courage, you were going back tomorrow so you wouldn’t have to deal with the reality of it.

“go on,” he bit his lips and tapped his fingers on the table, and your friend walked back in, she raised her eyebrows at his figure sitting next to you and then looked at you with both concern and a thousand questions.

you stared at her with pursed lips and she nodded, grabbing her earphones, putting them on, and sitting across from you, head and eyes turned away from your conversation.

“i think i started liking you again,” you still liked him, “somewhere in the middle, i got a bit confused and my feelings grew again.” you watched his reaction with careful eyes, he only looked back at you with blinking eyes.

“but i don’t like you,” came his reply, and you sucked in a breath, heartbreak fresh as ever settled in your chest.

then, why did you call me at night and tell me our love was pure?

“i know, that’s why i said it in the past tense, i don’t feel that way anymore,” but you did, you just couldn’t do anything about it anymore.

“well then, that’s good, right? we can go back to being normal.” he clapped his hands with a joyous smile that made you want to rip his head off, “no, i don’t think i can do this anymore.”

his hands fell and so did his smile, his ego returned and put a scowl on his face.

“can you make a decision here?” he thought back to all the times you corrected him when he called you his girlfriend and his annoyance grew above his head.

“i am making a decision here, don’t get snappy with me” you spat back at him, your mind flooded with every time he led you on and hurt you, “i can’t do this confusing shit with you anymore, i don’t think we can ever be friends and i don’t see a point in trying to force it.” you huffed out, falling back on your seat.

“so, we just never talk again?” he mumbled, you couldn’t read his face anymore.

“i guess so, yeah,” another lifetime of yours flashed before your eyes as he nodded, pushing the salt and pepper shakers on the table, and then he got up abruptly.

please don’t run, please make me stay this one time, you tried to beg without saying a single word.

“then, let’s do that,” jungkook nodded at you again, he nodded at your friend and left the chair as it was before he ever came.

once again, it felt like he never existed in your life before this.

“are you okay?” your best friend’s earphones were now neatly folded on the table, and you nodded furiously, “of course i am, he’s just a guy.”

years passed again.

he cleared his subjects and from what you’ve heard, you were done with your degree, on time unlike him, from what he’s heard and jungkook was on another step of his life again.

he stared at the unfamiliar faces in his class with resignation and sighed to himself, jungkook kept lifting and dropping his phone at every notification and groaning every time he saw it was from his life insurance, his one message remained unread.

jungkook: i start my master's today. (5:00 am)

he stared at the message until his eyes grew blurry, it was noon now and you hadn't seen it, intentionally of course, and just when he put it down one more time, he heard a ping.

you: good luck. (11:45 am)

he stared at it until he grew annoyed and deleted the entire chat.

you were going to america to study, it had taken a lot out of you in preparation for it and after hugging your parents and family goodbye and crying for hours in the airport, you pulled out your phone and nervously hovered over his profile. you started typing with dried-up tear streaks on your face.

you: i’m going to america today.

jungkook: really?

jungkook felt uneasy about the sudden large distance between you two even if you hadn’t spoken in ages.

jungkook: all the best.

jungkook: be happy, always.

you bit your lip as you looked away with a quivering chin and tears lined your eyes again, you deleted the entire chat too.

a year into being on a new continent, you felt all kinds of homesickness and excitement for your new home still, you worked harder than you ever had. and as bad as it sounds, you had forgotten that you once knew a boy called jungkook or that you ever loved him with your entire being.

he had become a thing of the past, something you never talked about anymore even if your friends brought up exes and relationships, he became a ghost of sorts, and only you could see him now.

you didn’t know what he was up to, if he ever finished his masters or racked up backlogs there too and you didn’t bother yourself by thinking about it too much.

but when it came to jungkook, you didn’t have to think about him to come into your life, he just came and went whenever he wanted.

nothing else could explain why you would find him, of all people in the world, under the neon lights of a house party that you were at, on a different continent.

and you didn’t feel anything, not any residual love or even the desire to be near him, you just felt wary about seeing him again.

he also saw you and gave a nervous smile. you smiled back and disappeared into the balcony.

suddenly, your wariness grew into pain, and your pain grew into a longing that you shouldn’t feel anymore.

you slid down on the wall and brought your knees up to hug them as you laid your head on your thighs and breathed, just breathed.

the balcony door opened again.

you knew who it was. maybe you had hoped that this would happen too, but for now, you didn’t look at him.

you heard his groan as he sat down beside you, his hands and knees almost touching yours.

and that’s when you realize, in all the years you’ve known him, this was the closest he ever came to you.

was this why he had called your love pure then?

because you had never touched each other, but felt each other in every corner of your existence?

“what are you doing here?” you whispered into your legs but he still heard you, “vacation, didn’t think i’d see you here.”

“i didn’t think either.”

“kind of ridiculous, isn’t it?” he laughed with emotion you couldn’t decipher, his warmth bled into you as you leaned on him a bit.

you felt the shape of a cigarette box in his pockets but swallowed your hurt.

after years, maybe you just wanted to touch him and see what it’s like. and he didn’t question your knees knocking against his.

“that we keep running into each other? i’m starting to think you stalk me,” you teased, a small weight of your longing lifted off you.

“oh please, if anything, you are stalking me,” he teased right back, feeling himself ease into this situation with you, just like every other time.

but as nice as it was to be this comfortable, you were still so consumed with questions that haunted you. and there was no one else here, no best friends, no sisters, no parents to worry about, no one but you and him.

“why didn’t you admit that you liked me back then?” you lifted your head to stare at him, there was no malice in your question nor any accusation, just curiosity.

“so, you knew?” he cleared his throat with a sheepish smile on his face, jungkook’s eyes shined the same way they had when you were in that bus, all those years ago.

“you told me our love was pure at 3 am, it wasn’t too hard to understand,” you shrugged, as if saying it out loud didn’t take your entire heart out of your chest.

he shook his head while laughing softly, “always such a smartass,” and you smiled, “you’re just too dumb.”

that’s when he really laughed and the stars of the night came together to light his face up as he threw his head back, you stopped yourself from falling in love again.

“well,” he breathed out, jungkook’s face contorted to become more serious and you knew that whatever he said next took a lot for him too.

“you always felt too big for my love, as if i could give you everything and that still wouldn’t be enough.”

your eyes dropped at their corners.

“what?”

“i don’t know, you were always so passionate, so good to others, so fucking smart and you had your shit figured out, you always told me these things that sounded so magical but i never fully understood them. i knew i couldn’t ever match up to that, even if i loved you with all of me,” he whispered, he clenched his eyes shut to avoid looking at you as he spoke, “i knew that even if i loved you, i couldn’t love you the way someone else could, someone who could love and match up to you.”

“jungkook,” you whispered too but your voice broke, and your throat grew scratchy with emotion.

“i’m telling the truth by the way, when you said you were leaving for america, it took everything in me to not pack a bag and follow you,” then, he opened his eyes and looked at you, you felt like you were back in 9th grade, staring at him with a tilt of your head.

“why did you say you stopped liking me then?” he asked next and waited patiently for you to wipe the corners of your eyes.

“i was always afraid that somewhere i would disappoint you and the idea of our relationship. you liked me so much and i felt that i had to live up to what you liked, otherwise, you wouldn’t like me and i’d be alone again,” you whispered the last part slower than anything else, “that wasn’t your fault though, i guess i was just scared of not being who i thought we would be.”

you sniffed and stared at your feet that lined up with his.

he stayed silent beside you until your sniffs grew louder.

then, he pulled your head over his shoulder and let you cry until the sunrise came and took away everything that the night tried to protect.

you woke up in an empty bed the next morning and when you left, you saw jungkook sitting on the couch, long arms stretching over the back of it, you stopped for a second to see if he’d get up and wrap them around you, to acknowledge all the love he showed you last night, you waited for him to utter a word that would make you stay.

but he only blinks at you.

you run out the door, you don’t know if his voice calling to you was him, or a creation of your deepest, most shameful wishes.

several years passed once more.

you don’t know why you invited jungkook to your wedding, you didn’t know if he would even come, but seeing him enter through the same doors that your now-husband had, pierced you with something sharp. he came up the stage, his eyes never left your face, and stood next to you for a photograph.

you didn’t look to see if he smiled or not. his hands hovered over your waist and your breath got caught in your throat, jungkook handed your husband a bouquet with a polite smile, he looked older, and quieter but his eyes remained shiny as ever.

when he started to pull apart and leave, you grabbed his arm, “stay for dinner, okay?” and he nodded, giving you a playful salute and exiting the stage.

you smiled at your husband and continued to take photos.

at dinner, you and your husband sat next to him as polite hosts would and talked about superficial things; jobs, taxes, work-life balance, and life.

“i think i’ll leave now,” he got up from his seat and you got up too, “i’ll see him off and come back,” you squeezed your husband’s hands which jungkook looked away from.

outside, it was just the two of you again.

“do you love him?” you weren’t shocked at his question.

“i do.” you really do.

“but you never loved me, did you?” he laughed bitterly, but his face held years of hurt and you held back your tears.

“i did.” you really did.

jungkook had been waiting to hear those words for half of his life and now that he’s heard them, he thinks he can let you go now.

“it was not easy for me to invite you.” you admitted with a nervous laugh, your eyes darting down to the gravel road.

“it isn't easy for me to be here,” he loosened his tie around his neck and his voice now reminded you of how old your first love got and how far away you were from the bus where you fell in love.

“but god, after so long,” your voice held every bit of yearning and nostalgia you felt.

a montage of your very young, very long, and very stupid love played in your eyes and you blinked it away.

“it sucks that we didn't work out.” it didn’t just suck, if jungkook told you how he really felt about seeing you with your husband, you would slap him.

he could do better, he won’t but he could.

“maybe we were just supposed to love each other then, you know? maybe it wasn't supposed to grow at all,” you answered, even if you knew it wasn’t entirely the truth, your love growing was out of your control.

but maybe you two weren’t ever supposed to love each other so much, maybe you were supposed to love each other a little and then let it go but both of you had been stubborn, both of you clung onto the innocence of your love, something that you paid the price for, for years.

“i dont know about all that, i just know that our love was-“

“pure.” you told and jungkook smiled, shaking his head, “yes, pure.”

“i still don't know why i loved you so much,” jungkook wondered why it had started, the deep infatuation and affection he held for you, was unnatural.

“i don't either,” you never understood why your lives were entangled for so long.

“will i see you again?” there was no hope in his tone, only a simple question with a simple affection.

“no, i think this is a good ending point, don't you?”

“so i don't get to show off my wife like you showed off your husband?”

“well in that case, maybe we will.” though, you burned on the inside as you imagined another person standing next to him.

“right, maybe we will.”

a silent smile passed between you two and when jungkook left, he squeezed your hands, “thank you for letting me feel love so early in my life. i wish you and your husband well.”

“thank you for loving me so early in my life. i wish you and your future wife well.”

he walked away but he looked back.

please don’t stay with him for too long.

you gave a weak smile.

please don’t find someone else.

and then you separated, another lifetime ended but this time, for the both of you.

944 notes · View notes

singleloverr · 2 months

Text

Saudade

Saudade (n.) a nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that is distant, or that has been loved and then lost; “the love that remains”

Pairing: BTS OT7 x reader

Synopsis: Amidst their preparations for the upcoming promotions, the boys neglect you at your worst times and you make a decision that forces them to realize just how much they miss and need you.

Notes: this was written in the middle of exam week because I didn’t wanna study soooo enjoyy how my brain rots and manifest into my writing quality. I think all of them are a bit stupid in here too (just like how i was when writing this)

Word Count: 21.6k

Getting into a relationship with an idol was not one for the faint of heart. You knew the troubles and problems that came along with it and you weren’t blind. You knew of the NDAs and the contracts that would be pushed to you by management to keep everything confidentially under wraps. You knew of the disgust some people would look towards you with when you walked through their work building. You knew of the potential risks of receiving hate and possibly ruining the reputation of your lover once word gets out, though that never stopped your love from running away from them. That never stopped them from loving you fonder, and making it known to the people that they can share it to that they loved you.

The way they would hold onto your hand just the right amount when you walked past the HYBE building lobby and hallways. The way that they would eat with you in the building’s cafeteria and proudly showing how much they enjoyed your company even with staff and other artists throwing an occasional glance at your table. They didn’t hold back when they took you out on private expensive dinner dates or public dates with minimal identity hiding accessories because they weren’t afraid to payout any media outlets that threatened to leak your identity. They didn’t even care when gossip went out that they were in a relationship with video evidence to prove that they slung their arm over your shoulder and lightly kissed you on the top of your head. They didn’t care. They only drew the line when an official media outlet captured the side of your face and immediately asked for the footage to be erased off the face of the earth with a good amount of bills to compensate, though they were berated by their management to at least be a little more careful considering other media outlets were fully in for the gossip and not for the payout. This also led to management apprehensively making the decision that you shouldn't be traveling with the boys to America since the company doesn’t have power over any of their media outlets, much to your lover’s dismay. Or should you say… lovers.

There was one thing they loved to show off silently when they spent time with personal friends and that was the family they had on their lockscreen, proudly showing all eight of you. Each lover had a different picture, though they all held the small polyamorous family that you had gathered.

Yes, you were in a relationship with all the members and no, that didn’t make life easier. At first you were totally apprehensive of the idea though as you spent more time with all of them and saw just how much love they held for each other as they held for you. You realized that loving them all equally wouldn’t be that hard and truly it wasn’t.

Your relationship with all of them came naturally. No, there was never a time you mixed them up or moaned the wrong name. No, your heart didn’t flutter for a certain member more than it did the other. You loved them all equally just as much as they loved each other and the transition of them loving an extra person came with ease.

They all managed to have their one-on-one time with you in a week whilst simultaneously spending time with the other members as lovers. Your relationship came straight out of a fanfic plot, and you’d giggle to yourself every time you remember that fact even if that caused your boyfriends to send a questioning glance at you.

However, with happiness comes sadness. The issues in dating one idol had multiplied itself to seven and no matter the bright smiles you had when you were together, it was the silent moments you had to yourself that truly planted worries of how relationships like this would work.

Surely they didn’t see a future in spending the rest of their lives sharing a lover with their bandmates, and you would be lying to yourself if you didn’t have moments of having zero energy left in you to give them all the love they deserved whilst simultaneously working on things for yourself like your job and personal interest. Although their tight reassurance made it feel better, the thoughts would always come back to haunt your mind and all of this build up had gathered before a particularly long stint of performances and media duties the band had in America.

It was a particularly long stint of argument piled on top of arguments. It was as if all you guys could do was argue. One night it would be Jin and Taehyung and the other would be Jimin and Namjoon. Sometimes it would even be all eight of you arguing over the dining table as the food you cooked for them grows colder with each shouting battle.

There were moments you weren’t proud of how you handled them, though you couldn’t simply agree that it was all your fault. The boys’ schedules were getting busier as the days to their American promotions got closer and you were all aware of the unavailability they would be on to care and give you attention. You have been in a relationship with them for long enough to know that it was unavoidable in a relationship with an idol and frankly you didn’t care if your relationship had turned more of you giving and them taking since you knew they would be returning your love soon after their schedules. It was standard when dating an idol.

What changed this time around though was that they were coming home tired and vile. Each night you would make an effort to help clean up the dorm after your job to lessen the work for the staff that cleans their space. Each night you would make an effort to let them come home to a warm and healthy home cooked meal, only for each and every one of them to swipe it under the rug as they open the door with another argument on their lips.

Sometimes it was okay though. Most of the time, they were still your loving boyfriends in the mornings before their schedules. They just would come home tired and silent, barely giving you any attention though you understood that they couldn’t give you much after their tiring schedules.

However, everything came to a halt when news of a beloved cousin’s death rang through your phone one afternoon. Sickness had won and you hadn’t even known they were sick. The same cousin that you’d visit during spring break to help your aunt and uncle’s harvest season on their farm. The same cousin who would teach you new games that Seoul kids never knew, who gave you plenty of advice on highschool and boys, who you practically considered as an older sibling.

The news struck you hard. The boys knew of this cousin to hold a special place in your heart and you had a breakdown when you found out of their passing. If you needed someone to comfort you then you really needed it then, though inconveniently the same day the news hit was the same day the boys had a particularly ugly argument on their new choreography. Everyone had something to say at the dining table and you could only look numbly at the takeout food you had ordered as you still couldn’t process the death on your own.

That brings you to the next morning. Three weeks before the boys go to America for a whole month, and a decision laid heavily on your mind.

[08:59] Y/N: Hey, are you still at the dorm?

[09:00] Namjoon: We just left, princess. We’ll see each other later at dinner, okay?

[9:01] Seokjin: We’ll apologize and make up later, sweetheart. We heard you went home late last night. You should’ve just stayed at the dorm to rest.

No, you couldn’t. You were sure that if you had slept in one of their beds then they would vent to you about their latest argument or perhaps be too tired to even know you were sleeping beside them, so you opted to commute back to your apartment despite the time being eleven in the evening already.

[9:05] Y/N: Don’t worry about it, Jin. I took the day off today, so I could still catch up on sleep.

[9:06] Yoongi: We weren’t worried about that, hun.

[9:06] Hoseok: You should’ve at least let one of our drivers drive you. It’s dangerous commuting late at night, beautiful. And you know that.

You smiled at their caring words, though you were sure the decision on your mind wouldn’t change anytime soon.

[9:08] Y/N: Yeah, I know, but it’s fine though. I’ll talk to you guys later.

You quickly turned your phone off as you rolled in bed. The warmth of the sun shining through your window did nothing to heat up the cold feeling you had inside you, and you were sure that it was about to get colder when you get to the the dorm.

[3 months earlier]

“What’s on your mind?” You asked as Namjoon sighed and took a seat on the patio sofa beside you.

The cold breeze of the night engulfing the two of you though the heat of some Soju the eight of you had been drinking earlier was enough to warm you up from under the blanket you hid yourself in.

After a round of drinks to celebrate the beginning of the boy’s new album release date getting announced, and the soon to be endless practice sessions and meetings they would partake in as they were due to promote mostly in America. You excused yourself and sat on the boy’s dorm balcony to ground yourself before you would reside in one of their rooms for the night.

“Just… scared.” Namjoon answers honestly as he leans back on the sofa and you snuggle up beside him to share your fluffy white blanket to keep him warm. His hand came to rest on your thigh as he drew weird imaginary lines on your skin. It was something he usually did when you’d let him open up to you. His little fidget to calm the rest of his body as he focuses his mind on spilling out of his lips.

“Of what?” You asked softly as your ears were trained to hear any of his worries. You were always lending an ear for any of their vents.

You found that a relationship should always be a balance of listening and ranting. You would rant about your random events at work and some random topic you deemed interesting for a discussion whilst they usually vented to you about their tiresome schedule and music related rants. Of course your younger boyfriends would occasionally gossip to you too, though you considered that more of a past time for you to bond over rather than something that required your attention and ear despite not knowing much about what they speak about.

“Promotions in America are always tiring and difficult. I sometimes feel like I’m not allowed to say my own thoughts on a question because I’m always busy translating for them…” Namjoon avoids your eyes as he continues to keep his head leaned back and looking towards the balcony ceiling.

“But they’ve been working so hard on their English lessons. I’m sure they can help translate and answer in English now.” You reasoned to help calm his worries down though it did little to ease the leader.

“Yeah, but I still have to be constantly tuned in. I can’t slip up, and we’ll have to do it for almost a month straight. We’re leaving you here for a whole month…”

“You’re not leaving me, Joonie. You’re doing your job and promoting your album.” You tried to reassure though the man just looked down to look you in the eyes and you can tell the alcohol was slightly tainting him to be more emotionally vocal.

“Still, it feels like we’re leaving you. We’ll miss your birthday…” Namjoon frowns and you giggle at your boyfriend with a shake of your head.

“Babe, I think I’ll be fine. We can celebrate after you get back home. Just worry about doing a good job and making me proud.” You smiled as the man just nodded at your reassuring words and you let him bask in the silence of the crickets chirping in the night.

You were pretty sure he had even dozed off due to the alcohol and the time reaching midnight, though he immediately sat up straighter and offered to walk you back into the apartment where he opts to retreat in his room earlier than usual though you knew he was just a bit stressed from the planning.

You walked to sit on the sofa of the living room with Hobi. He was seemingly already dozing off whilst catching up on a drama he was watching and you placed your blanket over him as he seemingly opened his eyes a little hazy from sleep though smiling at your affectionate action.

“Wanna watch with me?” Hobi’s voice hums out as you glanced at the television though shook your head and instead leaned down to kiss his peach cheeks that came from drinking too much alcohol than expected.

“I’ll go make sure the three aren’t causing trouble. You rest up.” You whispered softly and the man hummed though he was already snuggling further into your blanket with closed eyes.

You smiled down at him before you took the remote and lowered the sounds of the television down and walked towards the panel of the Smart Home system installed in the apartment to turn the lights dimmer though not completely off.

After that, you walked past the dining room and kitchen to reach a small corridor where you can hear Jimin, Taehyung, and Jungkook’s laughter reverberating through the walls. After dinner and the drinking session they had excused themselves to Taehyung and Jungkook’s room, which you were sure meant that they would be drinking more considering Jungkook liked keeping a small mini fridge in his room in case he got hungry in the middle of the night despite having their room as the closest to the kitchen.

You knocked on the door and pushed it open to see your three boyfriends sitting on the carpeted floor between Taehyung and Jungkook’s bed with a board game in between them. Their faces turning to you as you flashed them a sweet smile though their faces looked like it was up to something mischievous.

“Hey baby!” Taehyung greeted you with a wide grin as he patted the space beside him for you to sit on.

“I thought you guys would be drinking some more in secret… not playing a board game. You could’ve played outside and the others could join.” You said as you sat criss crossed on the carpet and eyed your boyfriends.

Jungkook sat with a leg brought up his chest and another laying flat as he leaned on the side of his bed. Taehyung also leaned on the side of his bed though he sat criss crossed whilst Jimin sat in between their beds and directly across you with his back mere inches away from the bedside table though he didn’t lean on it.

“They looked tired already… and this game isn’t any normal game.” Jungkook said as you raised a brow at what he meant and looked down on the board.

It looked normal at first glance though when you really looked at the board and its contents you understood why the three had such mischief laced on their eyes. Your eyes then went to one of the pawns standing on a box that said ‘Remove a piece of clothing’ and you quickly scanned the room to see Jimin’s sweater discarded on top of Jungkook’s bed.

“Wanna join?” Jimin asked with this teasingly innocent tone as he flashed you a grin that seemed to challenge you.

Though you really liked the idea of their mischief, you knew that the night had been long and after the celebrations you would prefer to cuddle up with one of your lovers rather than fucking, but the expecting eyes of your three boyfriends were simply too much to reject.

Yoongi had told you plenty of times that you should start standing your ground when the three would be up to trouble though it seems like you can just never say no to the cute faces they give you when they plan something mischievous.

One time, the three of them planned to trick Namjoon, Yoongi, and Hobi by planting something on their computers that made it look like their files had been corrupted. After persuading Pdogg to help them figure out all the technicalities and you to distract their hyungs for a while the plan was on and it did not go well for the three afterwards. The three of your older boyfriends did not take to the prank as funny and had heavily reprimanded the three to stay out of their computers and studios until the end of time, as if it wasn’t already a rule. They also had a ‘serious’ discussion with you about allowing this behavior from them though you had defended them and told them that you weren’t their mother, they were also just having fun and you didn’t see the problem in that. Despite all this, the slight disagreement was fixed with nothing but a soft kiss on the lips of your stubborn rap line boyfriends and a smile that showed your pearly whites before you giddly walked out and into the comfort of the only lover that had laughed with you during the whole fiasco, though his windshield wiper laugh was definitely louder than yours.

“Fine… but I’m not sleeping with any of you tonight. You need to get up bright and early for tomorrow’s practices and I don’t want your staff sending me death glares because I gave you hickies.” You huffed though the three of them only laughed and Jungkook leaned towards you to plant a light kiss on your lips as Jimin handed you a pawn of your favorite color.

“Roll and move the amount of numbers you land on.” Taehyung explained as Jimin said “Simple,” with a pop of the letter ‘p’ in English.

You rolled the dice as it landed on the face that had six dots. You smiled, flashing all three of them a cheeky smile before you leaned and used an arm to support you as you moved your pawn six boxes from the starting line.

“Lucky.” Taehyung mutters under his breath as you assume that the pawn that was a box behind you was his.

“Strip a piece of clothing.” Jungkook says as they eye which part you’d remove, though luckily for you, you had Yoongi’s Fila sweater on. A sweater that he was sure he lost, though you had actually just forgotten to return after he left it at your apartment.

“Starting off easy.” Jimin says as you pull the sweater off from the top of your head, leaving you in a light gray cotton spaghetti strap top and your black and white dolphin shorts.

You thought you were safe, though the way their eyes looked you up and down made it seem as if you were practically naked. A realization dawning on you that you weren’t wearing a bra and the cotton material was probably not hiding much to the imagination. However, you only shook your head at how easily they can be worked up with your presence its as if they are constantly deprived of your appearance.

“I just realized how you rarely stay in the dorm without one of our sweaters on.” Jimin says as you handed him the dice since you don’t know who’s next though he easily forwards it to Jungkook.

“I like it. We should throw away all our sweaters.” Jungkook suggests as you shake your head.

“Your dorm is freezing from the air conditioning, so I would still bring my own sweater if you don’t give me yours.” You shrugged as Jungkook rolled for his turn at the same time Taehyung let out a ‘pfft’ sound.

“As if you even own sweaters.” He rolls his eyes as you flash him an offended face. You did in fact have sweaters that are yours though they fitted you terribly. One was oddly fitted where it was skin tight on your arms though loose on your torso and another reached your knees from a failed attempt of trying to replicate your boyfriends’ sweater size so that you wouldn’t keep borrowing theirs.

You threw your sweater on top of Jungkook’s bed with Jimin’s sweater. As you watch Jungkook’s roll stop on three dots. He reached forward to move his pawn which you now knew was the one ahead of all the other pawns before he landed on a spot that said ‘Safe’.

“Lucky.” The three of you all muttered and you all let out chuckles at how you were so synchronized with the one English word you spoke.

“You all share a brain now.” Jungkook commented as he passed the dice to Jimin.

“We said it with the same annotations and everything.” Taehyung said, somewhat proud at the fact that your minds were all synched, that you had muttered one English word with such wholeness.

Jimin threw the dice as the room quieted down once more and it landed on the face of one dot.

“Ooh, Jimin ah, you’re catching up to me.” Taehyung teased as Jimin moved his pawn one spot forward which made his pawn only four spaces behind Taehyung's and three from yours.

“Dirty talk for 30 seconds.” You read out loud as Jimin chuckled. Dirty talk was his forte, how unlucky for you. You really wanted to get out of this room with the pride of getting the three of them riled up with their shenanigans and you unscathed and sleeping with a goodnight’s kiss only.

“I don’t like counting time. Not when I know I can fuck all three of you all night.” Jimin said with a sultry voice and the sudden demeanor of the air in the room changed as his eyes ridded of the innocent wide look and settled to their siren shape.

“Wanna take Jungkook’s shirt off right now. Wanna see the muscles you spend more time working on than spending time with us. Want you to roll one on your next turn and land on ‘Strip a piece of clothing’ and lose to me, so that I can do whatever I want with you tonight.” Jimin says with his eyes fully taking in Jungkook’s figure though when he’s finished, he immediately turns his head to you and slightly tilts it to the side and lets his eyes run up and down your body.

“You’re not safe from me either. You might not want it now, but I know you’ll give in any other day, and don’t you fucking dare put on a sweater around the dorm anymore where I can’t see your cute little nipples through your shirt.” Jimin says with a grunt to his voice and you let your eyes look down and see how your nipples had perked up to the mention of them.

A slight fluster powdered your face as you realized that Jimin scooted closer to you to run a hand from your thigh to the cloth of your shirt though you immediately grabbed hold of it before it could do anything more than hover over your nipples. You looked into his lust filled eyes as he raised a teasing brow that seemed to beg for you to slap it off his face.

“No touching. It only says dirty talk.” You reminded, as Jimin lets out a chuckle and broke eye contact to look down before he brings his hand back and gathers his confidence back together for Taehyung.

“And for you… I want to remind you just how much I hate it when you forget your honorifics when addressing me.” Jimin leans towards Taehyung now, though he never places a hand on him due to your reminder earlier.

“I’m older than you Taehyung ah, remember that. I’m your daddy—“

“Oh hell nawh! That’s cringey hyung!” Jungkook interrupts as Taehyung bows his head down at the fact that laughter had erupted so suddenly from his throat. The four of you were laughing hysterically by now.

Hey, a daddy kink isn’t cringey. Don’t get Jungkook’s words messed up. More than one of your boyfriends have it and others have something somewhat similar to it and it definitely turns you on.

You guys were just laughing at how unexpectedly Jimin brings it up, and how from the beginning of his dirty talk with Taehyung, the younger already looked purple on the face from how much he wanted to laugh at the fact that you had reminded Jimin of the rules though he held his laughter to not ruin the mood. Jimin’s tone and inflection of the Hangul syllables also already sounded forced too huskily, unlike his normal dirty talking. So when he randomly stops his Korean to say the English word ‘daddy’ was simply more of a comedic script than something to get your lover riled up.

“Okay that was worse than what I could’ve done, but at least Jungkook got pretty riled up.” Jimin says as he leans back on the wooden bedside table as all your eyes point at Jungkook who shifted in his clothes uncomfortably.

“He’s in your mind already, Jungkookie. I can tell you're not winning anymore.” You teased as he shakes his head and shifts his posture to see the board more clearly from his laid back position.

“My turn!” Taehyung states excitedly as he throws the dice and lands on six.

“Yes!” He cheers as Jungkook groans at the fact that Taehyung was now in the space behind him.

“Give the opponent a one minute massage.” You read out as Taehyung turned to look at Jimin.

“One minute is too much! You know who really needs a massage right now?” Taehyung smirks as our eyes land on Jimin, and we all simultaneously agree that this box could be used for some good rather than something sexual for the sake of Jimin and his chronic back and neck pains.

“I got to a chiropractor now. You don’t have to this. Make the game sexual.” Jimin whines as Taehyung gets up and kneels behind Jimin.

As a dancer, it doesn’t matter how much you rest and warm up or cool down properly. Eventually, you will experience chronic muscle pains and the muscles affected depend on your technique. You realized that Hoseok’s technique has him heavily relying on his knees and ankles for movement and therefore his knees and ankles tend to flare up more often. You even give him special massages sometimes when the pain gets too bad though he often tolerates it better by taking a melatonin pill and going to bed to see his chiropractor the following morning. Jimin on the other hand loves to stay up late despite how his body feels. Undoubtedly, the muscle pains worsen through overworking and therefore Jimin handles it worse more often than not.

“Serio—“ Jimin’s words were cut off by a groan as Taehyung’s hand squeezed the skin on the base of Jimin’s neck. Jimin’s head fell limp as it leaned back to relax on Taehyung’s wrists as he continued massaging Jimin.

“Fuck. That’s so good, Tae.” Jimin moans as he closes his eyes in pure bliss.

As Taehyung moved to the different areas of Jimin’s neck and back one thing was becoming more apparent. Jimin’s moaning was definitely not from the massage but rather him teasing the younger by continuously praising him for his massage. A gruffed groan and a sound of silence from Jimin would usually tell you that the massage was good because it would leave him speechless, though with his never-ending moaning it became apparent that it was intentional.

“Yeah, yeah, right there Tae.”

“That’s the spot.”

“Yeah, feels so good~”

“You always know how to hit the right spot, Tae. Such a good boy.” Jimin slurs, as Taehyung snapped back to reality. The pet name was known to be one of his favorites, though it seems like Jimin saying it made him realize his hyung’s intent.

“Stop trying to seduce me, hyung.” Taehyung grumbles as he nudges Jimin’s back as a warning before sitting back down to his spot.

“Ouch! Bad boy!” Jimin scolds as he holds his back before cracking the joints of his own neck.

“🎶Da naeda beolyeo good boys gone bad~🎶” Jungkook sings the tune of TXT’s Good Boy Gone Bad song, as you turn to his direction and sing along the line three more times before Taehyung drops the dice on the palm of your hand makes you stop singing.

“How come you love to sing the songs of other groups instead of ours.” Jimin pouts as he crosses his arms.

“Jungkook ah, are you really allowing this behavior?” Taehyung asks as Jungkook flashes them wide eyes.

“I mean… it’s a good song.” Jungkook answered truthfully as I nodded my head with exaggeration before I rolled the dice.

“They’re your juniors, you should support them.” You reminded them.

“We do support them, but we just want our girlfriend singing our own songs.” Taehyung huffs as you found their slight annoyance endearing.

“Yay!” You cheered as the dice landed on the face showing five dots.

“How lucky are you?!” Jungkook asks as you pass his pawn and land on a box.

“I told you. Jimin got in your head, so you’re all losing to me.” You state proudly.

“French kiss each player for 15 seconds!” Jimin says with a grin as he leans forward as if he was waiting for you to lean in and makeout with him any minute now though your eyes were still busy reading the board.

“Nice one dummy. It says ‘French kiss a player for 15 seconds.” You corrected and Jimin looked at you confused as he leaned back to straighten his posture.

“Would you really choose to kiss only one of us?” Jimin raised a brow. No, and all four of you knew that you couldn’t and wouldn’t choose between any of them even if you were forced to.

“Then we’ll really know who your favorite is.” Taehyung teased as you rolled your eyes.

You wanted to bite back with something sassy and you were sure that they also watched you expectedly for a quick-witted or laugh provoking response though you held yourself back and instead got on your hands and knees as you leaned towards the oldest of the bunch to kiss.

Jimin’s eyes showed how taken by surprise he was at your response. His straight back leaned back and his hands went to the floor to support himself from the unexpected action, though in a matter of seconds he eased into kissing your lips back. Your tongue quickly entered the cavern of his mouth as his tongue did little to fight back due to how much control you’ve gained in the time that took him to process that you were making out with him. You can tell he wanted some control back from the way his posture started to push against you, though as quickly as it began you pulled away and left him chasing your lips for more though you already sat back into position.

You turned to face Taehyung now as he pouted his lips and you leaned forward to kiss him too. Starting with a small peck that elicited a whine to leave throat before you pushed your weight against him and made him lean further onto the side of the mattress of his bed. Taehyung definitely played more passively when it came to making out. It was just how he was most of the time. He was soft and gentle. In simple terms, you would describe him as a man who likes to make love and not to fuck, and to you that was damn fine. However, since Taehyung doesn’t fight for control in a kiss like your other boyfriends, he makes up for the fact that he loves skinship especially when it comes to kissing.

You can feel his hand slightly placing pressure on your back to continue making out with him as the other hovered over the skin of your arm. Both weren’t explicit places though you knew that with enough time that they’d wander, and as soon as the hand on your back began moving higher to your neck, you cut off the kiss.

“Hey, how come his kiss is longer than mine?!” Jimin said as you two broke away and a certain flusteredness came to your face as you realized the two had been watching. You should be used to it now, but it was still second nature to you as if all of them hadn’t seen your most vulnerable parts, even doing it together at times.

“If you kiss Jungkook like how you did to me, then you won’t be leaving this room tonight.” Taehyung warned as you went over to Jungkook’s side now.

The youngest had parted his legs for you to crawl in between with a smirk on his face. You leaned in and kissed him as he parted his lips and a familiar war of your tongues fought. You were pushing your weight on him bringing a hand to his chest to support yourself, though you can feel his hands that were placed on the floor loosen to make a move for your body. You quickly took both your hands to hold his down at the same time your tongue won the battle and a groan elicited from his throat as you parted from his lips.

“Baby~” Jungkook whines and something in your heart tugs to keep kissing him though you risk the possibility of not getting sleep tonight and you can tell your body isn't up to that right now. Your eyes would practically fall asleep right now as the alcohol catches up to you and the three had way too much energy for you to catch up.

“Okay, that’s it. Goodnight boys.” You immediately stood up as their heads immediately followed you.

“Huh—? What? Wait…”

“We’re not done yet!” Taehyung says as he points to the board game.

“We can play another time. I’m really tired right now. It feels like I’m going to fall asleep any moment now. Plus, your practice…” You summarized your reasons as the boys frowned though replied with a synchronized ‘good nights’.

“And don’t stay up too late!” You warned with a double meaning as you heard their laughs from behind the door before you walked out the corridor.

That line really did feel like you were their mother, though in all seriousness you were just looking after them. It was a love language you developed after you learned to appreciate your eldest boyfriend’s care for you.

You walked past the kitchen and dining room as your eyes traveled past the dining table to see that the television was now turned off and the couch was empty. Hoseok had probably taken his leave for his and Jimin’s shared bedroom that was only a few steps from the living room.

You walked past the entrance corridor and onto a silent part of the dorm where Namjoon, Jin, and Yoongi’s room resides. You knew Namjoon was asleep though the light noise of a controller moving in Jin’s room and the subtle typing of a keyboard in Yoongi's room told you that your two eldest boyfriends were still awake.

You knocked lightly at Yoongi’s door and a slight breeze passed by you from the air conditioner in the hallway. A dawning realization set in on you as you realized you left Yoongi’s sweater in the boy’s bedroom and you feared that if you walked in now then you'd never come out.

“Come in.” Yoongi says as you pushed his door open softly and closed it behind you. He was on his desk with his laptop open, and a frown threatened your lips as you think that he was working even at such a late time in the dorm.

“Don’t worry, I’m not working. Just making a quick email for my mom.” He says as he turns on his chair to flash you a smile.

“What— I… How’d you know that I would ask that?” You stutter flusteredly from how well he knows you, and the fact that you remind him on a daily basis to take care of himself and to take some time from making music to live life and create stories to write about.

“Love, I know you. We all do. You’re always so caring and sweet. Always making sure that we don’t overwork ourselves.” Yoongi says whilst his eyes take their time to take in the sight of you. You subconsciously took the hem of your dolphin shorts to pull slightly down as if it would hide an inch more of your thighs.

Yoongi raises a brow and offers for you to sit on his lap with the tap of his hands. You huffed, though you still took steps to sit down on him. His black sweatpants and white oversized shirt smelled just like him with a slight hint of alcohol and nicotine.

“I’m not up to it right now, Yoongi. I just left your sweater at the boys’ room and if I enter their room again then I’d probably be wheeled into their dirty adult game again.” You turned to look at him with a pout as he let out a dry chuckle and brought a hand to pinch at your cheeks before planting a quick kiss on your lips.

“I know, love. I can feel that you’re tired, and that’s okay. Don’t let them push you into doing something you don’t want to—“

“What? No no, they weren't like that.” You defended the three as Yoongi nodded.

“I’m just saying… if one of us starts acting like a jerk towards you then there will still be six of us to come talk some sense into them.” Yoongi says as you giggled at that because in truth, none of them could ever be a jerk to you and all of you knew that. They loved and cared for you too much for that, and for as long as they do then they’ll never stoop down to treat you that way.

You leaned your body back to Yoongi’s chest as you sat in silence. Any other time and you would prefer to fill up the silence with some noise though you both prefered to bask in the love of silence. However, the sound of Jin’s gamer rage from beyond the concrete walls and you both chuckled at the oldest member’s incoherent mutterings.

“Now, which sweater did you say that you left in the boys’ room?” Yoongi raises a brow as you flash him a toothy grin.

“Uhm… actually, I think it was Jin’s sweater. I’ll go calm him down right now and tell him about it.” You stood up from his lap as he chuckled at you.

“It better not be my Fila sweater. I swear I haven’t seen it around anymore…”

“It’s not yours! I think it was Jin’s or maybe it's mine. I have my own sweaters too, you know.” You said as you awkwardly walked out the room with the sound of Yoongi’s chuckle being the last thing you heard before you closed the door.

You shook your head as you decided that you’ll eventually get that sweater when they all go to work in the morning. You walked to the door next to Yoongi as you heard another soft thud that sounded like a controller on a soft surface like Jin’s duvet.

You knock on Jin’s door as he hums for any one at the door to enter. You pushed the door to open and take in the darkness of the room that was only lit up by a warm lamp at Jin’s bedside table.

“Jin? Are you okay? What’s with all the noise?” You asked even though it was common knowledge that he often gets vocal when he plays and it has become a running joke around the dorm that whenever Jin loses a match of his games then he’d berate himself recklessly without actually taking anything he says to heart.

‘The Jin Mentality’ was what they coined it as. Similar to ‘Jimin today’ though Jin’s was actually a positive thing. Where you state all your wrong doings and berate yourself instead of hearing others berate you, but at the end of the day since you said all the words you can more freely choose to just not give a fuck about the things you said and deem it as bullcrap.

“Just gaming. You’ll sleep with me tonight?” Jin asks as he pauses his game and pats the duvet beside him as you close the door behind you and walk through his room to sit on the duvet.

“I’m sleeping here tonight.” You corrected as you laid your back down whilst your lower body hangs off the side of the bed.

Jin chuckles at your correction as he eyes you up and down before he returns to his games on the television mounted on the wall. He was seriously the only one of the members to install a TV in their room. A TV that came straight from his pocket though he considers it a big win since he’s the only one that can freely lay in bed and snuggle up to you whilst watching a movie, and it easily compresses any noise from his room considering how close the walls his rooms has with Yoongi and Namjoon.

“Did they tire you out today?” He asks in a more serious note though his eyes continue to flicker on the screen of the TV.

Despite the lack of eye contact and skinship Jin was giving you right now, you knew that his tone was one of sincerity and care. He was the one who had voiced out his worries for you in the beginning of the relationship. He was hesitant at first for this whole relationship to start considering they all somehow wanted your attention more than the other member’s and he was afraid that you’d overwork yourself in trying to be a lover to all of them. However, you quickly shut off his worries when you showed just how easily you blended into their schedules without overworking yourself too much. Though you would always notice how Jin typically doesn’t demand your affection as much when he realizes the others wanted your affection more, so that typically leads you to coming to him for affection as he mostly takes care of you rather than letting you take care of him or yourself.

“Maybe… Jimin, Taehyung, and Jungkook are playing this dirty adult game and I left my sweater inside their room.” You mutter as he nods and hums.

“You don’t have to—“

“I know, Yoongi keeps reminding me, but I actually really wanted to join.” You flashed him a toothy smile as you feel your eyes droop when he looks away from the screen to look down at you.

“You should sleep, sweetheart. I can see your eyes droop.” Jin says as he pauses the game and leans down to kiss you on the lips.

“You too…” You slur as you bring your legs into the bed to properly lie down on the pillows and under the duvet with the help of Jin to tuck you in.

“I’ll sleep once I’m done with this level. I’m not that tired yet anyways.” Jin says as he pecks your cheek with another kiss and brings the duvet over your shoulders just how you preferred it especially because his air conditioner faced towards his bed.

You blinked your eyes once more and shifted to see that Jin had magically teleported beside you with a knitted sweater that you knew was the color light blue with a white whale in front since he always lets you borrow it when you sleep in his room. Somehow the knitted yarn keeps you warmer than any other cotton sweater under his duvet.

You sat up and put on the sweater as the extra material gathered on your waist because you didn’t have the energy to properly pull the oversized fit over to cover your thighs. You smile at your sweater paw as Jin watches you with endearment. You open your arms as he leans in to kiss you once more before he pats your hair and whispers a goodnight. You smiled at him and scooted over to the side of the bed where it was pressed to the corner of the bedroom wall. Jin always made sure you slept on that side with the claim that he didn’t want you falling off though you suspected that he just didn’t want you escaping his room in the middle of the night without his acknowledgment.

You woke in the middle of the night, from a look out the curtains it seems as though it was still late at night though with a glance at Jin’s bedside table alarm clock, you knew that it was nearing two in the morning and Jin was still playing his game.

“Jin?” You asked groggily as Jin turned to look down at you.

“Sorry sweetheart, did I wake you up?” He asked though your eyes only flickered from his face to the alarm clock.

“Why aren’t you sleeping yet?” You asked as you held yourself up by your elbows to wake you up more though the sleepiness still loomed over you.

“Ah, shit. I lost track of time.” Jin muttered to himself as he glanced at the time. He exits the game and grabs the remote to turn off the TV as you watched on with a pout on your lips. He was definitely going to wake up with not enough sleep for tomorrow and you partly blamed yourself for not bringing him to sleep when you were going to.

“Jin~ I don’t like it when you don’t sleep on time.” You whined as Jin’s lips twitched to a prideful smile, though he only tucks himself beside you as he engulfs you in a hug.

“I’m sorry sweetheart, you know I don’t mean to. I promise I’ll sleep better tomorrow.” He kissed your forehead as you huffed and turned your back to him though you still snuggled your back to him. His body spooned you as his hands reached under the sweater he gave you. His cold hands settled to play with your boobs through your shirt though it wasn’t sexual.

You found it as his way to get just a little closer to you when you were sleeping. It was his way of showing you affection until the very moment you close your eyes. His hands would occasionally squeeze your mounds like a massage that would elicit a moan from you though you trusted him enough to not make it go further than that.

You woke up from a small streak of light that slipped past the curtains. Jin’s hold on you was looser now and he was lightly snoring as you let both your eyes take in your surroundings before you detached from Jin and sat up. You silently crawled out of bed by squeezing out the foot of the bed since you didn’t want to wake Jin up from his sleep. He needed to get as much rest as he could before his alarm would ring half past seven in the morning and currently he still had thirty minutes of rest to savor.

Before you walked out of the room, you quickly unplugged his gaming station. You figured that Jin had forgotten to turn it off last night and you didn’t want it to overheat. You then walked out the room and silently let your feet walk through the marble tiles of the apartment before you reached the kitchen to see both Hoseok and Namjoon conversing. Namjoon sat on the dining table with a cup of coffee as Hoseok seemed to be busy making his own cup of espresso with the coffee machine.

“Good morning,” You greeted with a yawn as both their heads turned to see you walk into the open layout room.

“Good morning beautiful,”

“Good morning, princess,”

They greeted in chorus as you stopped behind Namjoon’s chair to greet him with a morning kiss on the lips to which he smiled at before you walked behind the kitchen island.

“How did you sleep? I heard the boys were having some fun last night.” Namjoon asks as he watches you greet Hoseok with a kiss on the lips too.

“I only stopped by for a moment. I was too tired from the alcohol and celebrating last night.” You said as you eyed Hobi making a glass of his iced americano coffee. You can see Namjoon nod as he sips his own coffee and eyes the hallway towards his, Yoongi’s, and Jin’s rooms.

“You can have this one, beauty. I’ll make another one for myself.” Hoseok says though you shook your head.

“It’s okay, Hobi. I’m gonna go cook some breakfast for you guys first.” You smile as the man smiles brightly and leans to kiss you on the forehead before he moves to the side of the island to not get in your way.

“You don’t have to, you know. We can just order or call the staff.” Hoseok says though you only shake your head as you eye the contents of the fridge and opted to use some leftover rice to make some Kimchi Fried Rice.

You took out a container of Kimchi that Taehyung’s mother had sent for the boys to share and a tupperware of leftover rice that had been from last night’s celebrations. You also opened up the freezer to find frozen bacon that would be the perfect protein to their diet with added eggs. You placed your ingredients onto the counter before you reached up on your tippy toes to reach the cabinet with the frying pan you loved to use.

“Why do you always love to use this and not the one on the bottom cabinet?” Namjoon says right behind your ear as his hands sneak up to support your waist whilst the other reaches for the pan to get for you.

“My gosh, you scared me.” You said as you turned around and Namjoon smirks down at you before he places the frying pan on the induction stove on the island to heat up for you. You threw a playful slap at his bicep as you stood in front of the stove to pour some oil onto it.

Namjoon’s little playful act of always trying to scare you was one that you could never get used to and to be quite honest, it made you even more flustered at how Hobi had laughed at your shocked face before he continued to sip on his Americano with a bent back on the kitchen island.

“I like using it because it's my favorite color, obviously.” You roll your eyes as you feel Namjoon hover behind your back as Hobi tilts his head at you. He places his Iced Americano down and walks off somewhere behind you though your flustered state had made you keep your eyes at slicing the bacon into smaller pieces.

“Someone as sassy as you shouldn’t forget to bring simple seasonings when cooking.” Hobi says with a teasing voice as he places bottles of salt, pepper, and sesame oil beside you before he leans on the counter.

“Don’t stress her Hobi. Our tired princess didn’t even have fun with the maknaes last night because she was too tired.” Namjoon’s sultry voice speaks with a hint of seductiveness as he says the English syllables of ‘tired’ slowly from behind your ear whilst his hands rest on your waist.

A chill running up from your spine as you focused your eyes on cutting the bacon. Only once you were done with cutting the bacon did you realize that the two men had you trapped with the only escape being walking past the counter that had a sizzling stove.

“Guys…” You try to stop them though Namjoon’s voice has interrupted yours.

“We’re not guys.” He turns your body with an equal amount of force yet carefulness, as Hoseok moves the cutting board with a knife further from the edge of the counter before Namjoon pins you against the marble.

Namjoon’s lips were immediately on yours as your tongues fought in the midst of saliva. Then Namjoon had redirected your body to lean against Hoseoks as the man's hands took you by surprise and gave Namjoon access to your mouth.

“She’s so pretty in between us.” Hoseok huskily says to Namjoon as if you couldn’t hear his voice from being sandwiched in between them.

Namjoon pulls away from the kiss as you make an effort to breathe and compose yourself though Hoseok’s lips didn’t give you enough time as he quickly replaces Namjoon’s lips with his hands directing your neck to press against him. You can feel Namjoon's hand reach from under your sweater to travel under your shirt. His soft large hands caressing your body as he leans down to plant kisses on your neck.

“The stove–” You say as soon as Hoseok’s lips pull away from yours and all your faces turn towards the frying pan that was cooking up nothing but hot oil before a chuckle escapes from the dining room.

“Took you long enough. I thought I’d be the one to break up your makeout session just so that the dorm doesn’t burn down.” Yoongi’s chuckle reverberated through the dorm as Namjoon and Hoseok chuckled before withdrawing every bit of affection they had on you just seconds prior. Their vulgar actions caused a pit to nag at your stomach and a neediness for their lips to hide your now puffy ones.

“Good morning, Yoongi.” Namjoon and Hoseok greeted as they both went back to drink their coffees at the dining table whilst Yoongi came over to peck your cheek as a greeting.

He looks over the ingredients you had laid out before he quickly places your sliced bacon onto the pan to silence the boiling of oil. The chatter of Namjoon and Hoseok at the dining area was enough of a distraction for you to compose yourself from the makeout session and go back into cooking without another word as Yoongi chuckles.

“They're such big teases aren’t they?” Yoongi laughs as the blush on your cheeks doesn't stop you from nodding in agreement.

“Let me help you cook. You’re preparing Kimchi Fried Rice, aren’t you?” Yoongi clarified as you also nodded and he let out a laugh again at how you were struck wordless at such events in the early morning. Nevertheless, he helps you cook as you start to open up more from your flustered state.

[Back to the Present]

God, you weren’t going to cry again. Not when you felt as though you were juiced like a lemon from how dehydrated you were from secreting so much tears from your eyes.

You tried to breathe properly as Jimin sent you a text that they were already heading home thirty minutes ago, though by now you were used to them getting home an hour after they say so.

So here you were distracting yourself from your thoughts by cooking some Dak Kalguksu. From the texts in the groupchat, they seemed to keep good spirits throughout the day since Taehyung and Jungkook couldn’t shut up while hinting at some good news during their lunch break.

It broke you to know that this rare good mood would turn sour because of you. Because now, you were the one that can’t give them the love and affection you wanted to give, and you weren’t ready to receive love and affection in your current mental state.

Their voices rang through the hallway fifteen minutes earlier than you expected and from the sound of it, it sounded more calm as Jimin and Hoseok’s voice talking about new shoes were the ones that captured your ears first while they were leaving their shoes at the entrance corridor.

“Baby, we’re home! And no ones figh—“ Jungkook’s proud voice quieted as he sees your beige white suitcase, the one they had gifted you before bringing you to their trip to Japan a few months ago, at the end of the corridor.

“You brought some stuff over?” Jimin asks as he and Taehyung eye the luggage wearily before pushing past Jungkook to run to the living room and sit on the sofa with a relaxed sigh.

You looked away from the boiling broth cooking on the induction stove as you found a lid to cover your dish. It was just about to finish cooking. You just needed to make the Yangnyeomjang sauce that you knew Yoongi and Namjoon loved to add to their chicken though it seemed like you ran out of time. They would have to make their own later.

You looked up to see Jungkook cautiously eyeing your suitcase as Hoseok pushes him to sit down at the dining table with a laugh though a look that asks you the purpose of the suitcase getting brought out. Even Namjoon asks you of its contents as Jin just raises a brow at it, though seemed less bothered by its presence. Yoongi on the other hand just walked past it and took off his beanie to place on the dining table before he walked to the kitchen behind you to grab some water to drink.

They were still tired and it showed on their expressions, and what you hated even more was that the dorm wasn't even filled with arguing to help burn the fire that pushes you to answer their questions. All that could be heard was Jimin and Taehyung silently bickering on who would get the remote as the rest of your boyfriends sit on the dining table with little words to say to each other.

You cleared your throat and made your way to the other side of the counter where you could overlook the living room and dining room. Okay, this is it.

“I’ve been thinking about this since last night, and I— I hope you could hear me out fully…” You started, though the first part of your statement seemed to go unheard as Jin nodded and seemed to remember something.

“Ah, yeah! Right! I wanted to apologize to all of you about last night. I was being stupid and was just so tired that I wasn’t thinking properly.” Jin says quickly as Yoongi shuts the fridge door and sips on his glass of water on the counter behind you.

“We’re all stupid. We’re getting stupider each night with how exhausted we are when we come home.” Yoongi said as all of them seemed to hum in agreement. At least they’re self aware? Back to your poi—

“Oh baby! We also have some great news to te—“ Taehyung says excitedly as he stands up from the couch and lets Jimin take control of the remote with little to fight because of his excitement, though you really just wanted to rip off the bandaid and tell them your firm decision right now.

“I need a break.” You say loud enough for it to echo around the dorm, or perhaps your words had taken the men in such surprise that their brain had to replay it multiple times to understand it.

You closed your eyes and breathed out as you readied the words that were about to spill from your lips. Everything you had been feeling and how you were initially alright and capable of loving them despite these challenges spilled out of your lips with nothing stopping them.

You told them how through more nights, you were starting to lose yourself in the arguments and how last night you had made up your decision to take a break from them just for a little while. That your mental health needed this and that you would be staying in the provinces with aunt and uncle. That despite your love for them making you want to continue on in withstanding all their arguments, your mind can’t keep up and you need to be wholly ready to be able to give your all in supporting them.

Whatever your monologue was about made the boys scoff, though your voice stayed strong despite the sniffle that you heard Jimin make from the sofa.

“What?” Namjoon says as you look up to see their faces red yet not a single tear has fallen. Somehow that made you relieved. Perhaps they had understood your explanation and agreed with you.

“You’re running away because you can't keep up with our schedules?” Namjoon asks as the table erupts into different voices and opinions, even Taehyung and Jimin walk to the dining room to tell their own account of what they understood from what you said.

“No, Namjoon ah, she said she’s just not mentally well to handle us—“

“Mental health doesn’t excuse you from running away from us!”

“You can’t dump us just when we’re meant to stay focused for our comeback.”

“Hyung, she said break… not a break up right?”

“There’s a difference?”

“You’re leaving us?”

All this noise. Their voices had gotten so loud over each other that you couldn’t even hear your own head to try and get them on the same page.

It was just like every other night. Everyone never saw the same page and that’s how each and every one of your arguments started. No one was learning, no one was understanding, and it just proves that this environment wasn’t the place for you to get yourself back together.

So you left.

You left like a coward. You didn’t make an effort to bring them to the same page, and you didn’t make the effort to explain yourself clearer. You took off without another word with your luggage and everyone was too busy arguing about what you had said to even realize that you had left.

You left them, and you didn’t even know if they would understand that you still wanted to come back. You just needed to fix yourself, but now it felt as though you had broken up.

The boys never talked about what you said after that night. Perhaps they were still silently wishing that everything they heard was wrong and that you really were just taking a one or two day break without communication, or maybe they were too tired and busy to mention it.

They never mentioned how the dorm was silent whenever they got home. They never mentioned that the humming of your voice and the smell of your cooking weren’t there to greet their tired souls anymore. They never mentioned the fact that they knew that they needed to order dinner on the way home because they were silently praying that you were there cooking them a hot home cooked meal.

They never mentioned how your clothes and belongings seemed to disappear from their rooms. How your chargers disappeared from their place beside theirs. How the shirts you stole from them randomly appeared back to their wardrobes freshly washed and void of your smell. How all your skincare and haircare products disappeared from all their bathrooms, and the fact that they didn’t need to call a cleaner as often because your hair didn’t litter the floor after you would be done combing.

They didn’t mention any of it because they hoped you would stick to your words of a ‘break’ though now they were really beginning to question whether or not they heard ‘break’ or ‘break up’.

All of this was kept to rot in their minds until the last week they had in Seoul before their promotions. You would think they would be busier than they already were, but their management actually reverses psychology by busying the boys more in the last month before promotions and then cleaning up their schedules a week before to let them rest and let their anticipation build. It helps keep them excited for promotions rather than overworked.

This was what Taehyung had wanted to tell you about. They wanted to tell you how they were planning on taking you out on a date night before they went abroad to celebrate your birthday early… Now he wonders if they would’ve understood you better if he hadn’t interrupted you enough to make you interrupt him.

“Can we talk? Like all of us actually talk.” Namjoon says as they all sit blankly on the living room sofa whilst their eyes glaze over the show on the television.

“Yeah, I think it’s about time.” Jin says as each of them sat up straighter. Jungkook took the remote and lowered the TV to the volume close to mute as they all faced each other, yet avoided eye contact.

“So, about what Y/N said… let’s all say what we actually heard from her.” Namjoon took the leadership role as everyone nodded and he turned to Jin to start off.

“I was actually really excited when Taehyung wanted to tell her about our surprise that the first few things she said had gone over me.” Jin clarifies as everyone nods in understanding and stays silent to let him continue.

“But from what I heard, she said she needed some time off to get mentally better. I didn’t actually hear anything about what made her mentally break to the point of the situation getting like this, but yeah.” Jin explains as Taehyung furrows his brow to say something though refrains from doing it to avoid any altercation. They were going to have to listen to each other to get this shit fixed.

“She didn’t say what made her need a mental break, but she definitely hinted at the fact that we weren’t making a good environment for her to get better in any way.” Yoongi spoke up as he took it that it was his turn to speak since he was the second eldest.

“I didn’t hear a lot. It was kinda like what Jin said. Except I was so shocked by what she said that her words made sense when you heard them, but never actually processed in my brain. I’m sorry, guys.” Hoseok said as the six of them all nodded. They couldn’t blame Hobi, not when they all seemed to have some sort of dementia from that night. Their brains only process what happened before and after then turning into a mess when they try to recall the during.

“Before our busy schedules started, I talked with her about our schedule. I always did when I knew things would get busier and we couldn't give her 100%, just to give her a heads up to prepare and be aware. So when she said she needed some time away from us, I immediately jumped to the conclusion that she was running away from us. I already warned her for all of this and it wasn’t like this was the first time she had been with us after such tremendous work, so I thought she finally had enough of us and that this break was actually a break up.” Namjoon stops as his eyes never leave from gazing coldly at the edge of their coffee table.

Everyone was silent. Namjoon’s words always silences them. They were so filled with wisdom and thoughts with meanings beyond understanding that they really do place the effort to listen when it counts. However, none of their eyes could meet each other as they all formulated their own conclusion to what Namjoon was trying to say.

“Now that I think back on it… We were very much in the wrong. All of us. She asked us to listen to her for one last time and we should have taken that chance to properly hear her out and have a proper discussion on what we could do to make her stay… Instead we fought again. We did the thing that she claimed has made this environment with us so hostile that she can’t be mentally well in it.” Namjoon sighs as he feels tears prick at his eyes and all the members come to a silent understanding of everything Namjoon said.

For once in the past few weeks, they had finally silently agreed on the meaning of something, yet it didn’t feel relieving or accomplishing. It felt colder to know that they had done it too late.

“Can’t we still talk to her right now? Beg for her to come back and have a proper discussion with us?” Jimin pipes up as his face looks completely wrecked after the few moments of silence that they took to understand Namjoon’s words. Tear stains littered his cheeks and his voice didn’t seem like it was far from breaking out into a sob, yet he still mustered up the strength to speak his only idea.

“Has anyone texted her after that night?” Namjoon asks as everyone looks up to see if anyone raises a hand, though their hearts plummet to their stomach when no one does.

Everyone had been too pussy to text you. They all thought the other would do it and somehow bring you back to the apartment by themselves, though their reliance had now been their downfall. They were now angered. Angered at themselves for not making the move sooner. It had been two weeks and yet no one made the effort to contact you.

“Fuck, no one?” Yoongi says as he meets each and everyone’s eyes as they all told no.

“Fuck.” Hoseok mutters as he takes a throw pillow and hugs it to his chest before he leans back on the sofa to now point his gaze at the ceiling.

“Shit, do you think she thinks we just let her go so easily? Like we didn’t even text her as an effort to get her back? We just let her sneak out whilst we were arguing about what she sai—“ Taehyung’s rambling was interrupted by his own voice cracking and Jimin patting his back as the man himself looked like he was holding himself back.

“I’m angry. I’m angry at us for not even trying to text her. I’m angry at myself for thinking one of you had texted her already.” Jimin says as he finishes comforting Taehyung to now wrap his knees with his arms in a way to comfort himself.

“It’s not too late…” Jungkook suggests, though the silence that followed the reluctance they all had.

They were desperate to bring you back, but at the same time, you had asked for space and texting you so late into the break seemed like it was a brewing mistake. However, shouldn’t they try to fix their past mistakes by contacting you and showing just how stupid they had been.

“I know what you’re all thinking. You’re thinking that we’re too late. That she had probably made up her mind already about the break up because none of us went to immediately call her, but shouldn’t we at least try?” A tear slips past Jungkook’s eyes as his voice grows weaker, yet he pushes words out his vocal cords.

“Don’t we love her? Isn’t she worth fighting for?” Jungkook buries his head into the throw pillow he cuddled on the carpeted floor as he breaks into sobs that Jimin tried to comfort him out of.

But the youngest of them did speak the most fact. They loved you to uncountable amounts, so you are more than worth fighting for. They just didn’t know if they could still fight for you when they were two weeks late from the battle.

The boys all ate their dinner in numbing peace that night. Not a single argument or tease wanted to roll off their tongue, instead they were just talking. Talking about anything and everything, but the fact that they were missing their eight soulmates, their eighth piece to the puzzle of their small family.

It felt nostalgic watching each other play on the gaming stations they haven’t used in a month. It felt weird to dust off the balcony to sit on the patio chairs that were last used by you and Namjoon. It felt bone crushing when Jungkook went to his cupboard of board games to find something they could play, only to find their game of a sexy adult game on the top of the pile.

They weren’t blind and they all knew something was missing. There was this unmistakable silence when they spoke to each other, a missing note when they laughed together, a missing pair of feet padding around the house.

Jin tried his best to not show how these little subtle things got to him. The fact that there were nights where he gamed way too late despite their schedule because he lost track of time again and had somewhat relied on you to remind him that he needs sleep again. He also ignored the fact that he was currently gaming on the console in their living room instead of the one in his own room because it had overheated after he forgot to unplug it for a whole night. He thought someone else would’ve unplugged it for him, but then again you were the only one who unplugged it for him. These nights he finds himself slowly inching closer to the wall as he sleeps. He finds that the smell of your shampoo on that side of the bed is the only thing that can put him to sleep after a rough gaming session.

Yoongi on the other hand was the opposite to Jin. He could even say that he hasn’t thought about you much, due to the fact that he had been overworking himself restless these past few days. He figured that since he doesn’t have to greet you at the dorm then he could stay at his studio just a little longer and come home with his files in a laptop to continue working at. It was better this way, he would say. He avoided any arguments when they got home, and he kept his mind off you by doing the things that you had countlessly reminded him not to do. Despite managers even telling him to get some rest. He would never listen, and they knew that he wouldn’t listen because he only ever listened to you.

Hoseok, in the meantime had his whole sleeping schedule fucked up and everyone could see how badly it affects him on the daily. He missed how he would elicit a groan from you when he asked you if you’d join him for a morning jog, though somehow you’d still force yourself to get ready in less than five minutes. He missed the way you would let your boisterous laugh out when you were with him. He missed the way you would point at everything and anything when you jogged or went on hikes. He missed you so much that you were the only thing on his mind. The image of your face permanently embedded in his mind, to the point that there’d be times where he’d see you in the reflection of the mirror in their dance studio. He missed you so much in fact that he would enter the dance studio with only half his mind and the boys grew even more worried when they would mess up and Hoseok wouldn’t even bat an eyelash at them. It was as if he turned blind and void. He didn’t care if they were being sloppy with the choreography, as long as he did his moves with effort then it was up to the other choreographers and staff to berate the others on their mistakes.

Jimin, in the meantime, was a complete mess. The others would agree that he was the reason the staff had actually connected the dots of the fact that they were dumped, because Jimin had never looked as swollen as he did the first three days you left them. His low performance during dance practice even made choreographers turn the other way as they knew he was hurting though prefered to say their corrections softly so as to not hurt him more. He looks like he hasn’t gotten any rest and Hoseok knows that he hasn’t because he could still hear him tossing and turning on his bed when he would randomly wake up in the middle of the night. Jimin always had trouble sleeping. It was something that you couldn’t even fix, yet you always helped by taking out all his remaining energy or making him some tea, even the simple action of running your nails on his scalp helped soothe him to sleep. Now the problem had turned ten times worse when you weren’t here to ease him, yet you filled his mind and kept him void from closing his eyes for too long that he might think his vision of you was reality.

Taehyung was similar to his 1995 counterpart. However, his professionalism came on top and he would never even let a glimpse of his sadness show when he was in the HYBE building. It may seem like a good thing, but it really wasn’t far off as he would coop up all his sad thoughts about you until the end of the day where he’d stuff his face with every possible thing in the fridge to keep himself from sobbing, though it never worked. It never worked for when his grandma died or when they were all having a hard time during 2018, so it wasn’t going to start randomly working now. The food he ate could only suppress half of the pain he had inside. He missed you and your soft hair. He missed the way your fingers played with his locks and how he would return the favor by running his own fingers through your soft hair. The smell of your shampoo filling his senses as you would let him style your hair in any braid he had learned to do on youtube. The black hair tie he bought specifically to style your hair still tightly around his wrist. Waiting for you to come back as he finally learned how to do a Dutch braid this time around.

Jungkook, alternatively, seemed to be the least affected member of them all. He went along with his day fine. He joked with staff whenever the others seemed too busy in their heads during a meeting, and he acted oblivious to everything happening. He doesn’t spend much time at the apartment either for his hyungs to gauge how he truly was reacting to the situation. He started getting out more frequently. Some staff members even see him at the other side of Seoul, and when they would ask why he was there then he’d just shrug his shoulders and touch his mask. He’d take a look at his surroundings in case someone noticed that he was the Jungkook and then he would continue on his way. He would spend more time at the Hannam The Hill gym. He started going to more parks, malls, restaurants, and hidden gems in Seoul because he couldn’t bear staying at the dorm, not when you had practically lived and touched every surface of it too. He couldn’t bear seeing everyone upset, so he chose to distract himself with exploration. Perhaps in a different universe he was actually taking you there, he might’ve taken all eight of you there. Maybe, just maybe.

Namjoon wasn’t blind. He saw all of them suffer. He wasn’t blind to how he had suffered either. His lyrics turned more and more angsty as the days went by, and a longing to vent everything to someone weighed on his chest though it felt as though the seven people could vent to were also feeling the same problems.

Namjoon would get up in the middle of the night and walk near every bedroom door in the house. He knew when Jin was still up gaming when it was already two in the morning. He knew when Yoongi was still working on his laptop when he just came home from an extended three hours at his studio. He knew when Hoseok had woken up from a nightmare because of a small gasp that would sound from his and Jimin’s shared room. He also knew how Jimin barely slept because he would toss and turn every few minutes under his duvet. He knew when Taehyung would sneak out of his and Jungkook’s shared room to get a whole bucket of ice cream from the refrigerator freezer, and he knew when Jungkook would silently sneak back into their dorm after taking a mysterious late night walk.

Namjoon knew all of this was happening and yet he didn’t do anything to stop them because he thought this was what they deserved. They deserved this for neglecting you. They deserved to miss you, so that when they beg for you to come back then they would have surely learned their lesson.

“Good night guys, let’s all send a text to her tomorrow afternoon after our short schedule.” Jin says as all of them seemed a little more at ease when they retreated to their bedrooms that night.

Namjoon didn’t hear Jin play his games, Yoongi made his music, Hoseok’s gasp from a nightmare, Jimin tossing or turning, Taehyung sneaking into the kitchen, or Jungkook sneaking in and out. The dorm was entirely silent and peaceful for the first time in a long time.

Though Namjoon’s eyes stayed on one thing… his phone.

He shouldn’t break a plan, but he thought that they all had learned their lessons. What if they all get their hopes up only to call their eighth lover to tell them that they have been officially over for all this time.

He couldn’t bear to see everyone’s hearts officially shatter. He needed an answer now, so that he could at least get himself together by tomorrow in the case that they do get rejected and one of them needs to stay emotionally sober.

[1:27] Namjoon: Hey…

[1:28] Namjoon: I know it’s late, literally and figuratively.

[1:30] Namjoon: We really miss you. It’s been 2 weeks and we’ll spend our last week in Seoul with more time in our schedules. I don’t think we can go do promotions in America if we can’t get on the same page as you.

[1:32] Namjoon: I don’t think I can handle America without you. I don’t even care about management anymore. I just need you, and I would give anything to at least let all of us meet just for a moment to talk.

[1:33] Namjoon: I hope you’re doing well.

[1:34] Namjoon: You have your sleeping schedule fixed!! If the reason you’re not reading this is because you’re resting right now.

[1:35] Namjoon: We love you, princess. We miss you.

[1:37] Namjoon: Text me back when you can?

[1:40] Namjoon: Sleep well

Namjoon sighs. His eyes were starting to hurt and he couldn’t figure out if it was because of his tiredness, intense focus on his phone screen while the lights were off, or if it was from the sting that threatened tears. Whatever it may be, he avoids thinking about it by imagining you. Wherever you may be. Perhaps they should even go to your apartment, though what if you get even more angry? You did say that you needed a break from them.

It was now the afternoon of the next day. The boys had all been driven back to their dorm after dropping by the HYBE building to only get a printed file of their schedule in America.

They all seemed more at peace today. Their car rides felt more restful, though an underlying nervousness crept on its seams. They had all planned to send private messages to you by the afternoon. They knew your schedule, and they could only hope that it hadn’t changed from the last time you told them it changed.

They all sat in the living room as they all took out their phones and formulated what they should say. They were making sure to keep it personal to each of them, not too long, not too short, not emotional, yet not robotic. They needed to let you feel that they missed you without it coming across as overbearing. They wanted you to feel just how much they had learnt from their mistakes. They wanted to meet you even for just a moment.

Jimin thinks that a single glimpse at you could fix everything. It would fix and heal all of them like a drop of magical medicine.

So they all formulated for an hour, as a drama played on the TV despite no one listening to it. They all came together and made sure to say the right things before sending it all at different times. They weren’t stupid. They won’t send it all at the same time. They’ll send it in different minutes, because that’s logical.

[14:21] Seokjin: Good afternoon, sweetheart. How have you been? I hope you’re doing well. I hope you’re getting enough rest. It’s almost your birthday soon, and I actually had something planned for it since we would spend it in the states but I don’t know if that’s possible now. I want you to know that I’ll always be here waiting for you. Take as much time as you need, but when things get rough then don’t be afraid to call me or any of us. I love you, sweetheart. Don’t forget to eat well and drink lots of water. Take care!

[14:22] Yoongi: I’m gonna skip the bullshit. I know you have seven more messages to go and read, and honestly we’re all in the living room formulating our messages. This is the first time in weeks that we actually came together to work on something other than choreo and music. It’s damn impressive what our love for you makes us do. We need you back, love. Everyone is miserable without you. Even Hobi has gone to shits. You know I hate talking about other people or what you call it as ‘tea’, but I think this is something I would actually ‘spill’ to you about. Just come home. Come back to us. We miss you and will always love you. No matter what. If you need any help mentally, emotionally, or physically. We are just one call away, so please don’t be afraid. Don’t run away.

[14:23] Hoseok: Hey beautiful… stuff isn't too good right now hahahaha. I miss you by my side. I haven’t been jogging lately and you know how my ankles get when the only movement they do is intense dancing and walking. I need my jogging partner back, or if you don’t want to jog then we don’t have to. I just need someone to annoy, early in the morning. Jungkookie isn’t reciprocating my love of annoying him either. I think he’s been going to the gym more often because his muscles are definitely stronger than they were two weeks ago, so it’s kinda scary annoying him in the morning when his biceps alone could send my head swinging. The dorm has been unbearably clean too. No one’s making a mess like you do, so I have no one to berate. I can’t believe I’m saying this right now, but I miss your loose hair strands littering our shiny floor. I just realized that it definitely made the dorm a home instead of a shiny marble tiled showroom. God, I miss you. Just stay safe and I love you. Text us back whenever you can.

From: Your Hope

To: My Hope

“Namjoon hyung, it’s your turn.” Jimin says as the six of them look towards their leader though he only lets out a meek smile.

“I already sent her a few messages last night.” Namjoon smiles as the boys look at him with shocked faces.

“What?! Without us?!” Jungkook says.

“I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t sleep if I didn’t send it right then.” Namjoon shrugs as everyone understands and even thought that it could make the chances of you responding better.

[14:25] Jimin: Hi babyy, miss you. I know how you should always put yourself first, so I’m not going to ask you to come back. Not when you feel ready to get totally pampered by all of us. When you come back I’m going to kiss you everywhere that you’d probably have to detain me to keep me off you. We haven’t even finished our game yet. Let’s play again sometime soon okay? And my gosh, there is so much gossip you’re missing out on right now. Text me back when you get this ‘cause I need to vent all the info I learned from one of our new makeup noonas. Stay well and take care! Love you mwah mwah! Gossip soon!

[14:26] Taehyung: Babyyyy! Did you know the HYBE cafeteria was selling your favorite meal last week?! It was perfectly cooked and seasoned, I swear! I’ll tell them to serve it again soon so that we can both judge whether it's better than the place that we usually get it from. Speaking of which, I heard our favorite frozen yogurt place had opened a branch near Hyochang Park, so we should definitely give it a look soon! Have you been following the fashion trends still? There’s this ridiculous trend on pants that I’ve been seeing and both me and Hoseok have agreed that it sucks, but we’re still wondering what your thoughts are on it. It sucks when we don’t have your opinion to help us see more than what we see in our funnel vision. We really really miss you. I love you. Don’t get sick and try to get back to us when you see this!

[14:26] Jungkook: BABBBBYYYY!!! HOW HAVE YOU BEEN??? I MISSED YOUU, WE MISSED YOU! Yoongi hyung said that we needed to make our messages deep and meaningful, but really I just want to say one thing and it’s that we’re sorry. We really are. And I know Jin hyung specifically told us to not beg for you back because you needed time and space to yourself, but please come back. It hurts when you’re not here, and no matter what I do it doesn’t go away. Let me take you somewhere when you get back. I know a place where you can scream out all your frustrations and feelings so that you can feel better mentally. I know a place Taehyung hyung had been eyeing for a while, maybe we should go there together. It’s some frozen yogurt place that I know you both love and it’s near Hyochang Park and a hidden attraction of Seoul that I heard from Mingyu. We’ve gotten better too! Less arguments when we can all agree that everyone just misses you. It’s kinda funny cause if I can replay one moment in my life then it would be that night. I should have listened to you rather than arguing with my hyungs. I should have listened with both my ears fully tuned to you because now we’re all in this stuck and confused area where we don’t know whether or not we’re on a break or we broke up. Like that’s something so important to know, but we’re not even sure what we are to you, and we were too scared to even message you immediately after. We don’t even know if you got home safe that night, and it hurts me to know that we’ve been neglecting you like this for so long. You’ve been with us through multiple comebacks and you’ve taken it all with no complaint until now. Please, don’t break up with me— with us. Just come back. Come home, please? We know where we went wrong now. It hurts and I don’t think it’ll get better unless you’re here with me— with us.

After they all sent their messages they had opted to watch a movie together, whilst all their phones laid face up with their volumes on high in case you’d respond to one of them. However, as the day got later and staff came knocking to deliver their dinner, no messages from you came through to any of their phones. And when everyone had gone to prepare dinner, Namjoon took a look at his phone to see that even his messages from last night hadn’t been sent.

Had you blocked them? Or changed your number entirely? Shit, he really doesn’t want all of them to come over to your place to beg you and get into your personal space, but if you had blocked them they’d have no choice.

“Guys, did your messages even get sent? Mine aren’t going through to her for some reason. Did she block me?” Namjoon asked and the boys never missed the dejection in his voice when he said the possibility of getting blocked by you.

Hoseok, Jimin, Taehyung, and Jungkook left from helping set up the table as they went to retrieve their phone from the coffee table to open and see their messages.

“Yeah, mine didn’t send either. It just bounced back.” Hoseok says as the maknae line quickly enters their passcodes to see it for themselves, each of their faces saying the same thing.

“Did she block us?”

“She wouldn't, right?”

“She wouldn’t have blocked us if she didn’t properly break up with us.” They all said synchronously as Jin and Yoongi looked up to see the commotion and sent a look towards each other.

“No, you know she doesn’t do blocking shit.” Yoongi cuts in to defend your name as Jin clears his throat. The look they sent each other was to defend you, though he prefered explaining it rather than swearing it on their faces. They were at more peace with each other than they had been for a few months and the reason you needed a break was because of the countless arguments they had, and the negative environment they created. It was counterintuitive to argue over you, when the reason you left was because of arguing.

“What Yoongi meant to say was that we all know that she wouldn’t block us. Remember when that friend of hers had said multiple bad things behind her back and we told her to block them, but her sweet soul just couldn’t? She sees it as ‘rude’, so the fact that you guys are accusing her of blocking you means that you think she’s rude. Do you think she’s rude?” Jin asks and the room falls silent as everybody knew you wouldn’t block anyone no matter what they did to you.

“Besides, she needed a break not a break up. You don’t block people when you’re on a break.” Yoongi adds.

“What if she did break up with us and we just didn’t understand her properly.” Jungkook says as his eyes seem lost in his own mind.

“Or she’s slowly easing us into a break up… like she knows it’ll hurt us if she did so suddenly then maybe after a few weeks of this break she breaks up with us?” Taehyung speaks out as the room stays silent.

Everyone wanted to defend you. They wanted to tell Taehyung that he was wrong and that you loved them too much, though they were out of proof to tell him otherwise.

Hoseok sighs as he eyes the table that had been set up with takeout food the staff had brought for them. “Let’s just eat. Maybe she’s just somewhere without signal or internet today.” Hoseok says as he was the first to walk to the dining room table with Jin and Yoongi.

“Yeah… or maybe her phone broke.” Namjoon follows as the maknae line glances at their phone before leaving theirs on the coffee table with the rest of the phones.

“Hunger makes us overthink, right?” Jin laughs awkwardly as the rest nodded though the question of your whereabouts remained on their minds

Three days. They had three days left and the hope they had in you receiving their messages decreased by the days. The nagging for them to drive to your apartment grew and not even the eldest of them could stop the temptation. The only thing stopping them was how the staff kept a closer eye on them to avoid any unnecessary injuries or scandals to arise right before the promotions began.

They thought that they would go to the States and do their promotions with the question of when you were coming back nagging in their minds, though their prayers were answered this Wednesday afternoon.

The boy’s were separated in two black vans. Three on one and Four on the other since they only spent five hours at the HYBE building today and had none of their personal assistants with them. Everyone was preparing in packing up and getting ready for four weeks of promotions in America, yet all of the boys held on to the little hope that they could see you before then.

Jungkook sat on a van with his sleeping Yoongi hyung and a Namjoon hyung that was typing away a message to send to his personal assistant for the products he needed to be bought from the grocery stores for their trip. Jungkook on the other hand just enjoyed sitting behind his two hyungs as he watched the buildings pass by the window. His phone was in his pocket and his head leaned on the glass of the window as nothing but the wheels turning and the engine working sounded in the van.

He was sure he would fall asleep any moment now, though the light vibration from his phone on his pocket had woken him up from dozing off. He took out his phone and checked the message as he was expecting his own PA to ask him for a list of things he needed. He even had a list written on his notes app already, so all he needed to do was copy it and paste it into their Kakaotalk chat.

However, a message from his PA was not what made his phone buzz. It was you.

Jungkook felt his heart skip a beat. Multiple beats. It felt like he was having a heart attack at the way the sound of his heart pumping was all he could hear as he tapped on the message notification you sent.

[17:35] Y/N: Jungkookie, why are you all sending such long messages?? You know I hate reading long ones 😭

[17:36] Y/N: I just got back to Busan city. Let me read your essay first, so that I can respond.

[17:37] Y/N: It better have good grammar HAHHAHAHAH.

You were laughing? Did you seriously laugh when… well you haven’t read their messages yet, and from the look on Hoseok’s face it seems like you haven’t responded to theirs yet either. Jungkook figured that his message was the one sent the latest since he was the last to send his, therefore he would be on top of your chats.

What did you mean that you just got back to Busan city? Why were you in Busan? Why are you so chill and laughing on chat? And why were you cracking jokes on how his message is so long that it could be an essay? Jungkook just couldn’t understand and his mind was simply too shocked to even tell his hyungs anything, so he waited.

He waited until he saw your bubbles appear to indicate you were typing something, and he watched when it would disappear for a while before coming back to type some more.

[17:47] Y/N: What the hell?! Jungkook, what do you mean break up??

What a short response after you seemed to have been typing for two minutes. Jungkook didn’t know what to respond. He was in shock, or maybe he was having a ture heart attack. He was dying or perhaps he was already dead, and his mind was playing hopeful games on him.

[17:49] Y/N: What do you mean Yoongi and Jin said something-something? I have to get to my hotel first, but we’ll talk about this later. Only us, I don’t like Jin and Yoongi telling you what you should or shouldn’t say. What are you guys doing?

You sounded strict despite messages not explicitly holding emotions, and suddenly Jungkook had to swallow a lump stuck in his throat. Hotel? Will you actually talk about the message later or are you saying that to avoid talking to him? God, he shouldn’t be thinking about this when he knows you wouldn’t do that to him or any of them. So instead he replied with a simple ‘okay’.

Typical Jungkook, because he was always one to be simple in his texting.

Jungkook waited. Patiently, he waited. Until the hours of the evening and when the members had planned to game in the living room. Jungkook waited with patience. After Yoongi excused himself to have some time alone, Jungkook also followed and claimed he wanted some fresh air because all this waiting was silently creeping up to his bones and muscles.

He could feel himself fidgeting and he knows Jimin sees it too. He should have probably told them about how you have internet now and probably read their messages, but something about the way you said ‘Only us’ made his tongue stuck in his throat. It suddenly felt like this was his first time talking to his crush and not his faithful partner and love of his life.

He walked around the hill for a few minutes with his head buried in his hoodie and a cap hiding his face under the stars of the sky. He was trying to calm his nerves.

Why was it taking you so long to get to a hotel? Why were you in Busan? You had no family in Busan, so why are you there? Since you’re talking to him does that confirm that you didn’t break up wi—

A buzz came through his phone and he almost dropped it as he took it out of his pocket to see that the notification had your name on it. He breathed out a breath of cold air first before he pressed it and read your message.

[20:07] Y/N: Jungkookie, sorry it's a bit late but I had to take care of some things before I could talk to you.

[20:07] Jungkook: Don’t worry about it, baby.

Jungkook’s breath hitched as he realized that he might’ve been overstimulating you by calling you ‘baby’ immediately. What happened to taking it slow and making sure they were there for you, so that you can determine that they care about your mental wellbeing?

[20:08] Y/N: Can we call? I need to talk to you properly and my fingers are tired from typing.

Jungkook chuckled as he sent a thumbs up emoji before he accepted your audio call. He placed the phone against his ears as he was about to say ‘hello’, though your voice beat him to it and greeted him first.

“Kookie?”

Your voice felt so foreign, yet sweet and melodic. Something he had yearned for too long that he could cry knowing all the nights he wished he heard it one more time. Your voice carried weight, though Jungkook’s mind went blank at comprehending any cues. Your voice held worry. Why were you all sending such long messages and why was Jungkook hurting?

Oh shit, was he crying? His mind finally caught up after getting lost in your voice. Something wet rolled down his cheeks as his nose sniffed and you repeated the call of his name.

“Yeah, baby. I’m here.” Jungkook responded as another tear rolled down his cheek and he didn’t do much to stop it, but to sniff his nose.

“Are you crying? Are you alright? What did you mean in the message? About Jin and Yoongi telling you what to do in your messages with me, and you hurting? Why are you hurting? Who hurt you, baby?” Your voice said in chorus, however it carried all the care that Jungkook had longed for in the past weeks.

Jungkook was fully sobbing into his phone now as he sits himself on a nearby bench, scared that if he doesn't sit then his body might collapse. He doesn’t really know why he was crying. I mean he finally got his wish of hearing your voice one last time, yet the care you had in your tone and your endearment through your words made him realize just how much he missed your voice.

“Jungkookie, I need you to calm down okay? Who’s there with you? Are any of the boys there?” You asked as Jungkook shook his head. No one was here. That’s what he liked about walking around Hannam The Hill at night. Usually people would be inside eating dinner or resting now, and they had the tightest security that not even his favorite food deliveries could enter and would require a staff member to pick the food up for them instead and deliver it to their dorm.

“No… I’m— I’m out for a walk right now… I missed you…” Jungkook whispered the last part more so to himself, though you heard it clear as day.

“Kookie… can you explain to me thoroughly what you meant in your message?” You asked softly as Jungkook forced his sniffles away to tell you everything.

He let it all out. About all his hyungs and him wanting to apologize to you and how much they’ve struggled without you. How they were all miserable during their practices, yet they all sucked it up for the promotions.

He told you how Jin would come out of his room with eyebags from forgetting to sleep because of his games, and how Yoongi already had three songs in the works because he was overworking himself day and night again. He told you how Hoseok wasn’t doing well with the choreography and didn’t even care when the members got something wrong. He told you how Namjoon had been an overthinking mess and was practically observing all of the boy’s moves. Namjoon might think he’s sneaky, but Jungkook is aware of the fact that the leader stays up until he gets back to the dorm after his adventures. He told you how everyone in HYBE has a little clue that the seven of them were dumped because Jimin came in with the most swollen eyes that night you left. He even joked how Jimin must’ve told you something about the new gossip in the building, but left out the fact that they were part of the topic in hand. He told you how Taehyung had been getting really careless with the stuff he eats, and that he had even tried out some new candies from his hyung’s cravings that were stashed in their bedroom mini fridge.

He told you how their fighting stopped when they didn’t have to sit down on the same table to eat dinner. They didn’t have you to gather together for, so what stopped them from eating in their rooms? He told you how they had their first agreed discussion because the subject of the topic was you.

He told you everything and he knew his hyungs would call him a snitch afterwards, though he didn’t care. If they weren’t going to beg for you, then he would for the rest of them.

“Jungkookie… I— I…” You were at a loss for words as you took in what he said and opened up another tab to see all their long messages.

“That’s why we need you back, baby. It hurts. It hurts me to see them like this, and it hurts me more to know that we’ll forever be incomplete.” Jungkook said as swallows a lump in his throat to stop his emotional rant. If you broke up with him now then at least he knew he did his best.

“Jungkook ah! Did yours get seen too?” Taehyung’s voice shouted as soon as his eyes landed on the youngest member entering the dorm through the entrance corridor. The other six men in the room turned to see what the youngest would answer.

“Huh?” He asks as he removes his mask and walks to where his hyungs sat in the living room.

“Has Y/N seen your message already?” Jimin says as Jungkook eyes all their opened phone screens. He checks his own phone and sees that his long message did get seen and nods as he eyes the rest of the men.

“Wait! Mine just got seen too!” Taehyung jumps up from his seat as he shows his phone screen to everyone. Jungkook lets out a small chuckle to himself. His hyungs reaction to getting his message seen was so different from his silent heart attack. Taehyung’s smile never looked so bright despite the unsureness of the situation.

“Baby, called me earlier…” Jungkook breaks the ice as all his hyungs turn to him with curiosity in their wide eyes.

“When?”

“What.”

“Huh??”

“Earlier?”

“What did she say?”

“Why didn’t you tell us?”

The boys spoke synchronously as Jungkook closed his eyes and tried to roughly summarize the events of the phone call.

“Baby, saw my message earlier in the ride back to the dorm and told me we needed to call privately—“

“So that’s why you were so fidgety and walked out.” Jimin interrupts as Namjoon takes this statement seriously and sends an even more intense glare to the maknae.

“I didn’t intend to keep the call secret, that’s why I’m telling you now…”

“You tried to hide the fact that Y/N saw your message already when I asked you. Do you call that being honest?” Taehyung bites back a little angry at being left out at some very important information, and he wasn’t the only one feeling this way.

“No, I—“

“Jungkook ah, you are going to be honest with us, won’t you?” Hoseok speaks up as Jungkook’s eyes widens and he was about to tell everyone that he would be completely honest to them. However, a few more boys spoke up about Jungkook’s honesty.

“Can we really trust him? He has been sneaking off lately…”

“Jungkook, this isn’t just something to be light about. We need every detail honestly as it was, because this isn’t just about your relationship with her, it's ours too.”

“I can’t belie—“

“God, can’t you guys listen for once?! I’m telling you that I’ll tell the truth, but you haven’t even let me speak for once. Was this how we treated Y/N that night, because I’d definitely leave any moment now.” Jungkook’s loud voice spoke as the room went silent. Jungkook takes a breath in to clear his mind before he continues. It didn’t matter if his hyungs took his words seriously now. He just wants the events out before any altercation.

“Baby called and said something about spending some time in the provinces outside Busan with her aunt and uncle.”

“With her favorite cousin?” Hoseok asks as Jungkook nodded.

“Yeah that one. That’s why our messages were getting bounced back. She saw mine first when she finally got signal because mine was sent last, and she said she’d call me and talk about it ‘cause I kinda went overboard with my message…”

“I knew you wouldn’t follow what I said.” Yoongi massaged his forehead, though gestured for him to continue.

“Yeah… I continued to not listen to you in the call either because I kinda dumped everything I’ve noticed us do without her and begged for her not to dump us…” Jungkook straightens his lips as he thinks back at how he got carried away exposing their weakest parts in a phone call.

Jin slaps his own forehead and Yoongi’s jaw drops as he contains his emotions by closing his eyes. Namjoon and Hoseok had their mouths open as Jimin and Taehyung looked at the youngest like he was crazy, though turned to each other to help keep their chuckles held back as they could already imagine your face when Jungkook vents out.

“Jungkook ah, what exactly did you tell her about Jin hyung?” Jimin asks as he leans on his elbows from his seat on the couch. Jungkook looks down at where Jin sits at the edge of the couch furthest from where he stands and swallows.

“I told her about how Jin hyung plays all night and forgets to sleep…” Jungkook’s voice was meek though it was enough to send Jimin and Taehyung laughing to lean their head at the back of the couch.

“And what did you tell her about Jimin?” Jin challenges as Jimin snaps out of his laughter and stares into Jungkook’s soul.

“I told her about how the entire HYBE building knows we got dumped because Jimin hyung came to work with the most swollen eyes…”

“Yah! Were you looking for a fight?!” Jimin threatens as he stands up with a fist ready to fake a fight, though they were all silenced when Hoseok’s serious voice speaks from the laughter of Jin and Taehyung and pulls on the fabric of Jimin’s shirt to sit him back down on the sofa.

“How did she respond to your confession?” Hoseok asks as Jungkook drops his head to gaze at the floor and all the members’ hearts sink to their stomachs. Fuck, what else would elicit that reaction if not the news that they were truly dumped.

“She said that she wanted to meet us, so that she could talk about it face-to-face.” Jungkook says as Namjoon carefully runs his hand through his hair.

“Talk about what?” Namjoon asks as Jungkook shrugs his shoulders.

“Jungkook, be honest.” Yoongi warns as Jungkook looks up to meet all their eyes.

“I asked her what she wanted to talk about but she just said that we’d talk about it then. All of us will go. If we can…” Jungkook says as Jin, Yoongi, Hoseok, and Namjoon collectively look at each other with furrowed brows.

“Right, we’ll meet with her tomorrow, and beg her to come back!” Jimin says as if it was the most absolute plan.

“How do we know that Jungkook is telling the truth? What if this is some sick joke?” Taehyung speaks up as Jungkook looks offended at the statement.

“Would I joke about something like this?” Jungkook asked as the room silenced, though the sound of their phones buzzing got all their heads turning towards their phones.

A message from you.

[20:59] Y/N: Jungkook told me everything and I saw your messages. Let’s meet up sometime soon? I’ll be in Seoul by nine in the morning tomorrow. When are you guys free?

Everyone had quickly jumped to their phones to begin typing a response, though Hoseok quickly halted everyone.

“Are we even free tomorrow? Weren’t we supposed to have a meeting over our visas and papers for America tomorrow? We have less than three days.” Hoseok voices out his worries as Namjoon licks his lips and looks at all the boys that had their eyes on him. His brain has already begun formulating a plan that would satisfy all of them.

“I’ll message management and reschedule our meeting in the evening. Y/N comes first.” Namjoon says the last sentence as a fact that they all agree on as messages in response to your message flowed through their group chat.

The date was scheduled and some relief filled all their bodies. However, none of them were sure if tomorrow’s meet up with you would bear good or bad news.

You entered the restaurant that you and the boys both loved going to. A familiar staff of the restaurant leads you past regular tables to their private rooms. It was uncommon to have private room bookings early in the day, especially on a weekday so the restaurant was fairly empty and you were led to one of the largest private rooms the restaurant had.

Although your time helping out your aunt and uncle after your cousin’s death had been healing, and gave you closure from the untimely death, that didn’t mean that you hadn’t missed your boys. Your seven lovely men that you loved way too much for it to be healthy.

You thought about your actions and partly took the blame for walking out so abruptly, though when you read their messages and heard from Jungkook everything that they had been doing without you, you couldn’t help but feel a little angry at how they clearly were relying on you to take care of themselves.

That’s why you called to meet them. You were sure the break would last at most a month and spending time away at the province had healed your mental despair, so you weren’t about to ignore them just as they’ll leave for promotions. Namjoon said it himself, he can’t handle America without you as a support system and surely the boys need someone to help ground them too, but that doesn’t mean that they can let go of themselves just because you weren’t there.

You knocked on the traditional wooden door before you slid it open and peaked your head to see the seven boys staring at you with wide eyes as they stood up from their seats. You took a step into the room and closed the door behind you. Part of you had expected all of them to jump at you, though they all stayed in their spots seemingly cautious of your presence as you turned to face them.

They were wearing relatively relaxed outfits as you didn’t even get to change from your train ride from Busan. You wore denim high-waisted baggy jeans with a gray fitted long-sleeve top with a puffer jacket of your favorite color and a beanie that matched it. A standard outfit, though it made you feel a bit overdressed when you see that Jungkook and Hoseok were wearing literal shorts.

“Hey… sorry I’m a bit late. I ran into some traffic on the way here.” You smiled at them whilst you removed your coat and beanie. Jin had immediately come to your side to help take your coat and hat off to place to the side whilst greeting you with a cautious kiss on the cheek to which you smiled at.

“No worries, we just arrived too.” Namjoon smiles, though the rest of the members knew for a fact that they were here half an hour early just in case you were early.

You observed that the table had exactly eight seats. Jimin, Taehyung, Jungkook, and Namjoon sat on the left side and Hoseok, Yoongi, and Jin on the right side. The only available seat being the one in between Yoongi and Jin, so you slowly walked towards it. Each step reverberated against the walls and it was starting to feel suffocating in the large private room.

“Someone please talk, this is getting awkward.” You spoke with a chuckle at the end as the men all laughed and Yoongi greeted you as you reached your seat.

“We just missed you, Love.” Yoongi says timidly, though as his hand snakes its way to your waist and you make no move to inch away from it, he warms up and flashes you a smile and kisses your cheek. His lips were warm and soft on your cheek and two kisses from your eldest boyfriends instantaneously placed your heart at ease.

“I think ‘miss’ as a word doesn’t describe how we felt.” Hoseok says behind you as you turn to greet him with a hug next. Your arms slotted right around his torso as his arms wrapped around your waist and he leaned down to place a peck on your forehead.

“Baby~ we want kisses too!” Taehyung says from across the table as you turn to face them and their whole side of the table quickly walks towards your seat. They seemed more at ease now that you hadn’t shown any hint of being uncomfortable or overstimulated from their words or actions. However, there was still an underlying emotion under their eyes that you couldn’t quite identify.

Once everything was settled you all sat down and let your eyes roam over the food on the table. Plates of meat circled around the grill in the middle of the table. Small plates of side dishes and other dishes scattered for everyone’s access. It reminds you of the small pack of biscuits you had eaten nearly five hours ago since you had slept the entire train ride from Busan to Seoul.

“Let’s eat first? I think everyone’s hungry.” Jin offers the idea to everyone as you just noticed that he had been eyeing you hungrily taking in the food on the table the entire time.

Everyone hummed in agreement as you watched them slowly take some meat to place on the grill. Your hands joined them as you swallowed and looked around to see if any of them would start talking.

“So… How come you’re free right now? I thought you’d be busy with last minute preparations for promotions.” You said as you took a tong and placed some meat on the grill, though Jin was already beating you to it and took the first cooked meat on the grill to place on your bowl.

“That’s what I actually wanted to tell you about that night. We wanted to have dinner with you before we went to America. Something like celebrating your birthday in advance.” Taehyung says as before he chews on a gimbap.

A sudden realization hitting you as all you needed was a night of being back to normal to get mentally better. Perhaps if you were patient enough….

“I’m sorry abou—“

“You did what you had to.” Yoongi cuts you off as you turn to look at him. He leaned back on his chair with his arm laid on the back of your seat.

“I think Jungkookie has told you everything already, so you would know that breaking up with us taught us a few valuable lessons.” Jimin says as he drinks on a glass of coca cola and throws a glance at the youngest labeled ‘snitch’.

“What? Break up?” You asked as you furrowed your brows and looked around the table to see that the boys all looked at you with varied expressions of looming sadness

“Yeah, you said you needed a break but really it’s easing us to a break up. We’re not stupid baby.” Taehyung says a bit tense, though Jimin’s hand on his shoulder had eased him to calm down a little.

“What?! I never and will never think about breaking up with you. Unless you guys want to.” You said as you looked at them in disbelief.

“What no! Never!”

“Never, baby!”

A series of disagreements filled the table as they all silenced when Namjoon’s authoritative voice bloomed amidst the sea of uncompensable words.

“We were meant to beg you to stay with us during this meal. What do you mean you aren’t breaking up with us?” Namjoon says as you chuckled and threw your head back to rest on Yoongi’s arm.

“God, no. I said I needed a break. I was mentally exhausted after my cousin died, that’s why I went to the provinces for two weeks and got some needed healing and help out my aunt and uncle. You guys were always tired so I figured you also needed a rest from me.” You said and the boys all collectively blinked at you as if they had finally gotten to the same page as you. However, a looming sadness washes over them as they process the news of your grievance.

“Don’t tell me you didn’t understand me from my explanation that night. Were we not on the same page for almost three weeks?” You asked as Hoseok cleared his throat.

“Beautiful, you are our rest.” The lead dancer said as Jungkook raised a finger to pipe in.

“We were somewhat on the same page…” Jungkook says as Jimin and Taehyung nod to support his statement.

“We knew you needed mental rest, but we all got convinced by Taehyung that you were eventually turning this break into a break up. We didn’t— we didn’t know about…” Yoongi trails off from beside you as you abruptly stop leaning on his arm and catch his eyes with a hint of grief with you.

“God, you guys are stupid. Namjoon, did you really leave them to think like this?” You ask towards the leader as he just shrugs and keeps his eyes on the food in his bowl.

“No wonder you were all miserable. Why didn’t you at least contact me— ah shit, I’m part to blame too. I shouldn’t have walked out on you guys.” You said more to yourself as they shook their heads to dismiss your apologies.

“It’s not your fault. We just weren’t listening. We were too busy being full of ourselves and fighting. We didn’t know you had to grieve by yourself.” Jin says and you massage your forehead with a hand that leaned on the table as silence engulfed the table once more.

“I’m so sorry for your loss…”

“We all are sorry…”

“H-How did it even happen? They were so young.”

“I don’t really want to talk about it right now…” You said silently as they all watched as you shook your head whilst rubbing circles on your forehead. You let out a chuckle though it wasn’t one that they could laugh with.

“I wanna focus on this funny mess. I mean… at least you got your fighting sorted, that’s what Jungkook said to me last night at least.” You said and their lips spread into a smile and some even let out a chuckle and a nod of their heads. You were done grieving and you practically spent two weeks of grieving, so you really needed something else to think about. And the topic of your dumb miscommunication and stupidity seemed like the best distraction.

“Don’t think that I’m not mad by everything Jungkook told me. Jin, you ended the message you sent me with ‘take care’ and from what Jungkook told me, you were barely sleeping because you’ve been gaming too much again. Yoongi, you know how much I hate it when you overwork or bring your work to the dorm even after hours of working in your studio. I can’t always be there to remind you to take care of yourselves.”

The men that sat on either side of you pouted at you though your face stayed stoic.

“I’m disappointed. Now, I can’t even show my face in HYBE because everyone thinks I dumped you and if you don’t do well in your promotions then the blame is on me.”

“It’s not your fault, baby.” Jimin says comfortingly though you send him a glare that quickly quiets him.

“Is it true that the gossip you were teasing in your message is about us?” You asked as the man forced a smile and sent glare at Jungkook as the younger avoided eye contact from everyone.

“I’m going to sort this out somehow. I just need you guys back in shape to perform.” You shake your head as you pick up a piece of pork to chew on and the table goes silent once again.

“You know…I’ve been thinking for a long time and I feel like this would be the best moment to ask for it, but do you want to go to America with us?” Namjoon speaks up as all eyes go to him and to you.

You were taken aback by the question. It was one of the few rules that management had for your relationship with them and now they were asking for you to break it.

“We missed almost three weeks from you and it feels like we’ve missed everything, and it’s almost your birthday so why don’t we celebrate it there too?” Namjoon was smiling as you stared at him like he was delusional.

“Joonie, as much as I want to, your management would—“

“If you’ve read my message then you would know that I don’t care. I don’t give a fuck if the media sees us. I need you, and I speak for everyone if we haven’t gone abroad and thought about how it would be if we went to those places with you. We can book you a ticket from our personal money if we have to. We’ll sort out your accommodations and everything. All you need to do is say yes.” Namjoon asks as all eyes settle on you.

You swallow a lump in your throat and weigh out your options. If you were caught then your name could be out there, and were you ready for that? But they all looked at you with such hope in their eyes and the sound of exploring new horizons with the loves of your life seemed like a dream. They said it themselves, you were their rest, and it seemed like the best way to catch up on some needed loving.

“I just came from Busan, I’m tir—“

“Y/N, it’s a yes or no, please.” Namjoon says and you swallow with a nod as a smile creeps up your cheeks. The boys began smiling brighter right as you said ‘yes’.

“I’ll get it sorted then. We have a meeting later and I’ll bring it up.” Namjoon smiles as the dinner table erupts with cheers and it breaks off to conversations about what they’d be doing there during their free time with you.

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