randilookssoblue - Tumblr blog

randilookssoblue · 4 months

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Does anyone actually know how to cry for help? Is anyone actually capable of making themselves heard when they feel like they're dying?

I feel like if I looked as sick as I am, people would be more willing to help. Like if they're worried physically, then for once they'll belive me when I say I'm struggling mentally. I just want someone to trust that I really can't do it anymore when I say that I can't.

I need help. I want help. I feel like I'm screaming into the void and I have a whole audience of people around me just watching. I feel like if I die it won't be a surprise, like a gladiator in the ring, they'll only be sad because they have nothing to gawk at anymore.

#sewer slide #shblrr #anablir #i wanna die #i wanna disappear #i wanna d*e #i wanna diiiieeeee #sewercide #i wanna kms #im going to kms #i want to kms #ready to kms

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randilookssoblue · 4 months

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I cannot WAIT for the holidays to be over, for my sister to go back to college, for my parents to keep neglecting me so I can starve the hell out of myself.

I'm never taking my progress for granted again, I was beautiful and I fucking wasted it. I didn't give a fuck about 10 lbs until I gained it again. It's a tragedy to have such perfection and not be able to recognize it, I will never let it happen to me again

I will reward my body for every pound I lose, I'll be gorgeous and appreciative of it. I will finally mean something to myself, maybe I'll finally think I deserve good things when I start giving them to myself.

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randilookssoblue · 4 months

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I hate making small talk with my mom, I hate it so much. Like, she's known me my whole life and all she can think to talk about is my step sister?? I didn't see this woman for nearly 2 weeks, I want her to dote on me I want her to care and genuinely ask how I am. For fucks sake I know she found razors in my room while she was cleaning yesterday, at this point I want her to yell at me or tell me everything I've ever done wrong as long as she's acknowledging that I'm her child and she cares. I'm so sick of hearing about God or her workplace or her husband, I just want to talk to a mom, my mom. I'm so sick of just being another human to her, sick of feeling like a guest in my home. I'd kill to have a mom who can feel emotions, I don't hold it against her I know that's just how life has shaped her, but I want to be someone's baby someone's child but I never have been and now that I'm almost an adult I never will be.

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randilookssoblue · 4 months

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Didn't do as well as I wanted yesterday but it's whatever, I'm gonna see if I can make it all day today without having a meal. I've burned 300 calories today which is very nice, and I feel like I look good. Theoretically, I can be back to my lw in a few weeks if I keep being good. I really really wanna be good looking when my bf comes to see me, he likes me as I am but I want him to feel my bones

#ana angels🪽#skinnni #@na bvtt3rfly #ana e mia #pro for me not for thee #@na tips #@na buddy #pro a4a #i will reach my ugw #i want to ⭐️ve #🦋diary #🦋log #🌟ving #⭐️rve

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randilookssoblue · 4 months

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I know not many people probably missed me here, but I'm back! If I'm your buddy somewhere and I haven't started talking to you again, I will soon I promise. I made a meal plan and I'm getting back on my feet, the past couple months have been so rough and I don't know what the future has in store but I know I'd rather be skinny for it. I need the control the euphoria of that starving feeling, I need to feel good about myself again because right now I feel like hot garbage. I can reach my gw in no time if I do this right so I'm gonna work hard at it and be so so hot by april!!

#ana angels🪽#skinnni #@na bvtt3rfly #🦋diary #🦋log #ana e mia #pro for me not for thee #@na tips #@na buddy #pro a4a #i will reach my ugw #i want to ⭐️ve #🌟ving #🌟ve

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randilookssoblue · 5 months

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I'm fat and I'm fucking panicking I tried to stop and I don't know how I don't want to starve but when I eat I feel so fucking disgusted. Going back to restricting would be hard now but it's what I need so bad. I need to be able to burn hundreds of calories in my free time and not eat over triple digits. I'm going literally insane.

#ana tricks #ana trigger #ana rant #@na rant #@na tips #@na trigger #🦋rant #🦋diary #🦋log #skinnni #i want to ⭐️ve #i will reach my ugw #i wanna lose weight #ana angels🪽#@na bvtt3rfly #ana e mia #pro for me not for thee

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randilookssoblue · 5 months

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I've been thinking recently about trying to just be normal. But I was sitting just now and thought "this is so stupid" and simultaneously "what the fuck have I done to myself?" I'm trying to finish high-school, to get into college and make a fucking life for myself. All I have succeeded in doing in the past 6 months is making my mental health so much worse, ruining my eating habits, and encouraging other people to do things that would have repulsed me a year ago. What the fuck is wrong with me? I never used to excercise before this, never used to puke my meals or binge eat. I don't even know or like who I am anymore. I'm miserable and focusing on all the wrong shit. At this rate, sure I'll die thin, but I won't die old or happy or even a little successful in life. I need to separate myself from this community, the thoughts and actions I've adopted over the past half year will never leave me for better or for worse and I might even come back. For now, though, I desperately need to focus on the bigger picture in life because I'm drowning in my mental anguish and there has to be so much more to life than hating myself and the way that I act.

#recovery #anorexcya #ana e mia #ana angels🪽#skinnni #@na bvtt3rfly #pro for me not for thee #i will reach my ugw #@na buddy #ana rant #tw ana diary #ana trigger #ana bllog #🦋diary #🦋log #🦋rant #ana rambles #ana recovery #tw mia

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randilookssoblue · 5 months

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Day 7: my parents have been asking if I'm ana for years, I'm the thinnest one in my family (which doesn't mean I was super skinny to begin with) so they've always thought that I must just eat less than them. I only starting practicing ana habits this summer and if they knew they would FREAK

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randilookssoblue · 5 months

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Somebody PLEASE help

I keep going back and forth between "I'm never eating again" and "I need to taper slowly to not binge"

I'm trying to do things too fast but going slow is so hard for me. I'm gaining weight at a terrifying rate and I'm going so insane trying to control it that I get discouraged and make no progress.

Comment anything, I mean ANYTHING, you think I should do. Tapering, starving, diets, exercise, I'm open to all of it. I just can't rely on my own planning anymore I don't respect myself right now

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randilookssoblue · 5 months

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Sh and Ed rant

I don't ever want to hear "it's just one bad day" ever again. One bad day turns into three turns into a week and before you know it you're a fucking fatass again. Jesus christ I'm not cutting so I can look good so why can't I starve with the same motivation. I CONTROL when I take the blade out. I CONTROL how many calories I put in my mouth. I CONTROL when I burn calories and how much. I can cut and eat whenever I want but I don't want to, so why do I put food in my fat face anyway? I can't starve for more than 24 hours unless I try really hard, I must be trying just as hard to find food and put all of it in my mouth. I could purge it too, but I don't because I don't want to. Why the fuck am I acting like I WANT TO GAIN. I don't want it I don't want it I don't want it. I don't want to be fat I don't want to be bloated I don't want to be scared of the scale or the mirror. I want to be the skinniest person I know, I want to have perfect beautiful skin, I want to be infallible and I know for certain that I can be, I just need to do better and try harder.

#ana rant #@na rant #🦋rant #@na bvtt3rfly #ana angels🪽#ana e mia #pro a4a #pro for me not for thee #skinnni #@na tips #th1nsp1ration #disordered eating thoughts #ana trigger #tw ana diary #thinspø #thin sp0 #i want to ⭐️ve #i will reach my ugw #i wanna lose weight

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randilookssoblue · 5 months

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I just need someone to beat the hell out of me every time I even think of eating. Pavlov me into believing that food is pain, food is punishment, food isn't worth it. Because it never is. Being tired because of starving is just as bad as being tired from a carbo load, nausea from starving is so much better than wanting to vom because of how full I am. Nothing is worth more than being happy and empty.

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randilookssoblue · 5 months

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Day 5: I want to loose weight because the less I weigh, the more bones I show, the more meals I refuse and the less I eat the more I'm worth. Being thin, not just regular skinny, but bone thin means that I work harder, I do better, I'm worth more than anyone I compare myself to. If I starve away my inadequacies then all that's left will be pretty and perfect. Like Will Wood said "they say that beauty's just skin deep so ana stands and rends the rancid meat from her bones"

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randilookssoblue · 5 months

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Heyy, just wondering what's happened to you

I haven't been on a lot and I can't talk to people here anyway. I've been trying to keep my grades up so I haven't had a lot of time. I followed your insta so we can chat there if you want <3

#@na buddy #ana angels🪽#skinnni #@na tips

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randilookssoblue · 5 months

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January rules!

Rules: Only eat when it's offered, 4 liters of water a day, do bodyweight exercise, keep grades up, don't forget to log, 18 hour fasts minimum, metab days on tournament weekends, fast days on free weekends, NO PURGING

NO: fried food, bread, cheese, noodles, chocolate, non hard candy, frosting, peanut butter, sugary cereal, dairy

The goal for this month is 115 lbs, ultimate goal is 110 lbs. I think I can manage that, I need to loose 5 to reach my gw and about 7 to reach my ugw. I'll be doing low res (1200 cals) with moderate to heavy exercise, low fat high protein diet to build muscle too.

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randilookssoblue · 5 months

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Day 4: I wouldn't say this is a fear, but being cold absolutely vexes me. I'm worried that I'll loose too much muscle mass and it'll start shrinking my brain or messing with my heart, but fuck it! I'll do anything to be a doll

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randilookssoblue · 5 months

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Having a big fat fuck my ED moment so I'm gonna do my cute little workout, and make myself a healthy breakfast because I miss cooking for myself. Today is a healthy weight loss day and I refuse to be ashamed. I'll edit this post later to show off my brekkie <3

If anyone wants to calculate this they can but personally that's too much work for me and would cause immense amounts of psychic damage

2 over easy eggs

2 small potatoes

1 piece of toast with 1 tbsp of butter

2 packets of oatmeal

1 medium apple (caramelized: 1/4 cup of sugar, 1/8 brown sugar, 1/8 creamer, splash of vanilla extract, home made pumpkin spice) I added it to the oatmeal, so good

Fat bitch breakfast at 3pm <3

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randilookssoblue · 5 months

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Day 3:

This is THE thinspo pic. My ultimate goal is being able to wrap my hand around my upper arm. I like that she isn't half naked and yet you can still see how thin she is. You can see her hips and collar bones and it's just perf

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