rachelspriv

[rachelspriv]

heckin her doggostyle with my wholesome chonker

[rachelspriv]

i’m always the one initiating any sort of meet up with my friends and i really should just tell them about it instead of complaining i know. i’m meeting up with them on saturday so i can tell them then. it’s just so hard not to internalise this stuff, especially since this isn’t the first time this has happened. i feel like if it weren’t for me we’d stop talking completely and that sucks. especially finding out that they’re hanging out together without me.

neurodivergence is being afraid that you’re the weird friend that your friends are secretly annoyed by and wish you’d go away

[rachelspriv]

neurodivergence is being afraid that you’re the weird friend that your friends are secretly annoyed by and wish you’d go away

[rachelspriv]

My feelings towards gender are complicated. I'm not dysphoric, but maybe I feel euphoria towards the idea of being non binary? Does it even matter what gender I am? Like it's not that important me. I don't care that much. But maybe I'd be happier if I started identifying as non binary? I wish there were a way to properly figure this out without actually, you know, coming out as non binary.

[rachelspriv]

How do you figure out if you're non binary or not

[rachelspriv]

I believe in reincarnation partially because i can't bare not to. Obviously immortality doesn't exist, but with technological advances some people believe it could exist. I don't want that. Not only for the obviously reason - it would be dreadfully boring and lonely - but also because what's the point of life when it just goes on forever, without a timer that tells you "you're going to die someday, so you better make this count". But, as scientifically-minded as I am, I cannot bring myself to accept death as the end. And my favourite is reincarnation, I don't want this life to be my only life. Now I've got some vaguely-scientific rationalisations of this - matter doesn't last forever but energy can't be destroyed, so maybe when our bodies crumble the energy then lives on in another lifeform, not remembering of course but it's been inside me so therefore it was mine and it counts damn it - but the truth is I just can't handle believing anything else. I don't want this to be my only life. My life isn't bad, I've barely lived it, but I don't want this to be it.

#cw death #tw death

[rachelspriv]

Just changed my bio to say "literally just vibin'" as if that isn't the complete opposite of what i do here

[rachelspriv]

I'm technically a communist but i prefer to call myself a leftist for a few reasons. I feel like leftism is an entire worldview, communism is only one part. Also, I'd rather not define my worldview by something that might not even work. I don't know if communism would work in practice, but i know leftism does. Also, the fight will not stop even if society does become communist and communism does work. There will always be problems, which makes leftism a timeless ideology. A communist ideology isn't relevant in a communist society.

#also like i don't want to be associated with tankies #dictatorships aren't cool #I'd rather live in a communist dictatorship than a capitalist dictatorship #but I'd rather not live in a dictatorship at all #i hope that communism is possible without dictatorships #but a communist society is a STATELESS society so it really shouldn't have dictators

[rachelspriv]

Things to say more often:

I am not responsible for you

I don't owe you my time

I'm not apologising

Are you apologising because you're actually sorry or are you apologising because you want to get this over with?

You're making me uncomfortable

That's not funny

You should apologise

I'm not going to pick a side when i don't have both sides of the story

I'm not here to enable you

I can't help you if you refuse to help yourself

I'm not attacking you, I'm trying to communicate

I'm not going to argue about this with you

Don't assume stuff

Don't shout at me

I don't have the energy to deal with this

I know what I'm talking about

Don't do things to me that you wouldn't like me doing to you

Listen to me

Don't assume the worst in everyone

I'm not trying to hurt you

I'm not putting your wellbeing over mine

You're not always right

My problems matter

You're not always the victim

I'm not your therapist

I don't have the capacity to deal with this

This isn't about you

Don't share your opinion to someone who doesn't want or need it

People don't have to agree with you on everything

We're not friends anymore

#tw toxic friendship #toxic friendship #friendship #advice #if you find yourself saying or thinking these a lot you should probably end the friendship

[rachelspriv]

I'm not saying I'm never too aggressive or confrontational or argumentative or any of those things but i am saying is that when people call me those things, more often than not it's because I'm refusing to take their bullshit

#people are mad because i don't always stand there and tolerate them #I'm not here to enable you #if i have to choose between being aggressive and letting you say and do whatever the fuck you want I'd rather be aggressive #oftentimes the people who call me aggressive or argumentative are actually more of those things than i am #like they say shit that's bound to piss off someone and then they act like they're the victim when someone gets pissed off #like one of my ex-friends would talk shit on someone's interests for no reason and then act like I was attacking them for calling them out #and if anyone even criticised one of their interests they'd call them haters

[rachelspriv]

I am not here to enable you wallowing in your own despair. If i give you advice, you better listen to it. I'm not having you refuse to do anything to help yourself because it's too hard. If you don't want to put in the work to get better, don't whine to me about how hard you have it. Your mental health is bad because you refuse to get better, and I'm not going to listen to you complain when you can get better but refuse not to.

#if you've done everything you can and things are still bad then you're allowed to feel sorry for yourself #if you're willing to accept help then you can come to me #but i'm not here to feel sorry for someone who doesn't plan on fixing things

[rachelspriv]

Don't rely on your friends to take care of your mental health. It's not their responsibility. Friends don't always last forever, and you need to be able to continue taking care of yourself if they leave. You can't make your friends feel as though they're required to stay, that's toxic, and it's a guarantee that they will end up leaving you anyway, and will not look back on you fondly. If you let your friends feel as though they can leave, ironically, they are more likely to stay, because they will be there for you because they WANT to. You need a way of taking care of yourself that doesn't fall apart when life doesn't go perfectly. Treat your friends as people with their own needs and responsibilities, whose lives don't revolve around you. They mightn't always be able to help you when you need it, so you need to have alternatives and let them live their lives.

#mental health #tw toxic friendships #tw toxic friendship #i mean do you WANT your friends to feel like you're a burden? #you probably don't #so don't dump all of your issues onto them #it's a two way street #you treat them like an object who only exists for you to vent to #and they treat you like a burden #you allow your friends to set boundaries #and they are more willing to help you out when they can

[rachelspriv]

Self-care isn't always cozy. Self-care sometimes means doing things that make you uncomfortable. If you refuse to do things for your mental health that make you uncomfortable, you won't get better. Take advice from people who know better, even when you don't like it. If you ask for help, you better be willing to actually accept the help you're giving, otherwise people will stop helping you because they'll realise that you don't actually want to do the work required to get better, you just want to unload your problems onto someone else. You've got to make yourself uncomfortable and you've got to make hard decisions. Your mental health is your responsibility, and you have to put in the effort to maintain it. There are no easy fixes, there is no one who can cure you, and your mental health is no one's responsibility but your own.

#mental illness #mental health #self care

[rachelspriv]

denormalise liveblogging your breakdown. in case you go “isn’t that what this blog is for?” let me explain. don’t liveblog on a blog where people actually KNOW you. this blog, no one knows me. no one even follows me. if i do get a following of people who actually consistently interact with my posts, and i can identify who are those followers who are consistently interacting with me, and it begins to feel like there’s some sort of connection, i’m deleting. it’s unhealthy to liveblog your breakdown to people who’ll actually see it. it’s unhealthy for you because you don’t get to deal with this in private, and it’s unfair to other people if they feel like they have to help you so you don’t think nobody cares about you. it’s unfair to other people to force your followers to witness your breakdown. if you’re having a breakdown, do not liveblog it to your followers. if you need to talk about it, keep a diary (what this blog essentially is). ask a friend if they are willing to listen to it, and make it clear that they’re allowed to say no (going “hey can i vent” and waiting for a response is a good way to do this). and if they do give you advice, consider it! even if you don’t like it! sometimes you need to do things you don’t like! and if they go “i can’t help you out any further”, let them stop! your mental health is your responsibility, not theirs.

#friends are important for mental health #but this sort of behaviour is the perfect recipe for losing friends #the more you cling the more they'll want to leave #tw toxic friendship #tw abuse #tw breakdown #also i don't consider what i post on this blog breakdowns anyway #so even if i had an audience i wouldn't consider this liveblogging my breakdown #idk like when i was writing this i was perfectly calm #the point of these posts isn't to make people feel bad #i don't want that to be what people take away from these posts #hell the point isn't for people to see these #it's to help myself process what i'm going through #it's to tell myself how i ended up in this situation #and how what happened to me wasn't my fault #and maybe for the occasional person to see one of these and learn from them #like there's a reason why i chose a tumblr blog instead of a private twitter account #i don't want to make an account that's like "only my BESTIES have the privilege of witnessing my breakdown

[rachelspriv]

i get nightmares that they’re going to message me. not like, long drawn out nightmares, the really short ones that feel like reality. i wake up nervous that they actually did message me, i get nervous whenever anyone messages me in case it’s them. that’s the thing about having someone else block you, you are prevented from taking a peak which is great because i DEFINITELY would’ve taken a peak, but you also can’t do anything about the fact that they could decide to unblock you and message you at any moment.

#like if they did i'll just block them myself #i'm not going back #and i'm not allowing myself to be guilt-tripped #but it's scary #i don't want to hear from them #and if i have to block them that means i can check what they're saying #tw toxic friendship #tw abuse

[rachelspriv]

i’m really feeling the idea that anger is your way of going “i deserve better than this”, and that it’s not necessarily bad, in fact sometimes it’s the best way of dealing with things because sometimes you DON’T deserve to be treated that way and it ISN’T your fault and you have every right to be angry. of course anger isn’t always a healthy emotion but it’s not an inherently shameful emotion either. all emotions exist for a reason including the negative ones, and there’s no such thing as an inherently harmful emotion. if it were never beneficial, it simply wouldn’t exist. anger is harmful when it’s misdirected, disproportionate, or prevents you from being happy. but it can be just as beneficial as any other emotion, and refusing to let yourself be angry can lead to you accepting mistreatment.

#don't listen to anyone who talk about anger as if it's a weakness that you must rid yourself of #without anger you leave yourself thinking that how you were mistreated is just the way things are #and there's nothing anyone can do about it #but that's often not the case #you don't have to accept your mistreatment #you have a right to be angry if someone mistreats you #anger is active sadness is passive #and sometimes you need to be active

[rachelspriv]

just vented to someone about our shared abuser. it feels good to talk to someone who went through the same thing i went through. i did vent to someone who went through a similar thing, but with a different person, and that was valuable, but doing it with someone who went through a similar thing with the same person was so nice. the context of all our interactions in the past were because we were this abuser’s two “besties”, and i suggested we should talk to each other outside of that context and she agreed. she's at an earlier stage of dealing with this then i am (she was still in the process of blaming herself for it and when she was cut off she was genuinely shocked, while i’m pissed off and like “i did not deserve to be treated, i was not in the wrong” and was about to cut them off anyway before they cut me off), so it felt good to give her advice and help her deal with this. 

we started venting about all the warning signs in the past that we tolerated but shouldn’t have, and it was good to go “when they did this it was so annoying” and she knew EXACTLY what i was talking about. and that we weren’t just “too argumentative” or “looking too much into it” or whatever like they WERE in the wrong. it was also nice to see how it went down for them. they accused all of their friends of abandoning them, which of course included me and her, and i wanted to see her side of the story, because my side of the story wasn’t that simple and i assumed that hers wasn’t that simple either. it’s nice to help someone else out who's going through the same thing, and it’s nice to hear another person say “that was fucked up, you definitely didn’t deserve that”. 

#part of me feels "well of course they think it's fucked up from MY perspective #but i think i should shut that voice down #like i know that i didn't deserve that #all the evidence points to them being in the wrong #tw toxic friendships #cw toxic friendships #toxic friendship #abuse #cw abuse #tw abuse #if you're going through a similar situation please talk to someone about it #anyone #even if it's just on an anonymous online forum like reddit #it will make you feel better i promise #and don't blame yourself #you're not the one to blame