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quietbpdandme · 4 years

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exfoliator but for my brain so I can scrub out the trauma

#actuallyborderline #mental illness #bpd #mentally ill #trauma #funny #memes #text

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quietbpdandme · 4 years

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@bpd4bpd for memes and tips ✨✨ overbpd.com

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quietbpdandme · 4 years

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Watching yourself fall into an episode is like sitting and watching a train careen down a track where you know it's going to crash and you're desperately trying to pull the lever to switch it to another track, one that doesn't dive so deep, but it's stuck, no matter how much you heave and plead to gods who aren't listening, there's no stopping it.

All you can do is brace yourself and watch.

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quietbpdandme · 4 years

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Songs that I (a person with borderline personality disorder) deeply connect to:

- Tears Dry on Their Own by Amy Winehouse

- Moderation by Florence and the Machine

- Ship to Wreck by Florence and the Machine

- Sober by Lorde

- Reasons I Drink by Alanis Morissette

- Kiss With A Fist by Florence and the Machine

- Borderline by Tame Impala

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quietbpdandme · 4 years

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I apologize for my existence, it was never my intention to inconvenience you.

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quietbpdandme · 4 years

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Unresolved issues

They will always exist because it is just impossible to resolve every issue there is and sometimes they will creep up and bother you again.

Personal story:

An issue from a few months ago has been nagging at me again, probably triggered by a renewed influx of manipulative and evil borderline stereotypes I stumble soon every now and then.

As a quick backstory: I was friends with a guy, let's call him Peter, for some years then met my now ex boyfriend who didn't really like Peter and then Peter found a new girlfriend, let's call her Steff. She seemed nice enough we didn't talk a lot but there were no issues.

Now, due to some other things that happened I lost contact to Peter and Steff until after I left my ex. I met them again one or two times and it was nice and I thought hey maybe Steff and I could actually become friends she seems genuinely nice.

Some time after that Steff, Peter, and I met up with a few other friends we all hadn't seen in a while or had never in person in the first place. It was a fun day, I thought.

Two days later Peter asks me if we can talk. As is usual for me, I immediately go into panic mode and ask what's wrong is it something bad. He says not really.

We meet at my place a day later and he tells me that Steff was hurt by how much Peter and I touched when we met our friends. I immediately feel like shirt and have to fight back tears but I apologised and asked if she was all right. It's emotional and I barely remember anything concrete but that too is normal for me.

I remember Peter telling me one problem was a somewhat longer hug we shared. I become insecure and ask my friends what exactly I should change so I can make sure that Steff will not have to feel hurt in the future. My best friend (she wasn't there but she knows me very well) tells me she can imagine that I was probably too touchy.

Some time later another friend of mine gets invited by Peter and Steff to go out and upon asking if I'll be there gets told that I wasn't invited and that I know why. He told me that.

Now I am really confused because the way Peter told me about the situation it sounded like it was more of a concern and not a serious problem. I didn't think I'd get a straight answer out of Peter so, and I felt bad about that almost immediately, I used my friend's phone to ask Peter why he won't tell me what's up then. No real answer.

I don't hear anything from either Peter or Steff for days and I begin to convince myself that I am the worst bitch in the world. One night I drink a glass of wine and cry. I send Steff a message on discord as I don't have her phone number and I apologise and tell her that I got that they don't want anything to do with me but that I really never meant to hurt her.

She answers me that she doesn't have the energy to deal with me right now and we agree to sit down in the future to talk about that and other misunderstandings that exist between us.

I leave them alone, I know how it is to need alone time and I definitely don't want to bother anyone. I do, however, feel hopeful that we may be able to salvage this not yet friendship. Still feel like shit through.

I don't hear anything from then for months. They don't come into the voice channel on the discord server when I'm online but when I end up in the same channel as Peter he talks to me like normal. Steff has never been online a lot, at most with Peter's account.

Then someone else comes into the picture. Mike, who was also there when we met up that fateful day. One evening we are alone in the channel and he asks me about my perspective on the situation with Peter and Steff. I tell him. I tell him I'm sorry about my behaviour and that I hurt Steff but also that I haven't heard from either for a long time.

What I don't know is that Mike and Steff had developed a friendship and Steff was telling him about how I am a bitch who manipulates people and doesn't respect other people's relationships. How, if I was a man, I wouldn't have any friends because others wouldn't let me get away with all the abuse I deal out. That I don't deserve to have friends. That I'm a terrible person. That I tried to turn all of our mutual friends against Peter.

Over time I hear all of this in small chunks from Mike who has believed all of it until he actually wanted to see for himself if I was really as horrible as Steff said.

Now, my emotions are very reactive and I reacted horribly. I started cutting myself and becoming suicidal again. I cried and starved myself. I wanted to die. I tried talking about it with other people but I really only got "well, some people are just not gonna like you" from my best friend. She didn't have the whole picture. I don't like to talk about my downs. I don't even really know how to.

More drama starts on the discord server involving Peter and Steff and another (former, female) friend whom I had also just recently reconnected. A lot of people begin to get involved and Peter leaves the server.

Not much happened for a time and I started burying my feelings about the situation but they surface from time to time. My best friend and her partner's birthdays come up and they want to have a party together. They've been planning it for some time and Peter and Steff are invited.

I get scared because I don't want to ruin their party. I think about not going. One of my friends tells me he'll carry me there if I refuse. I'm actually a little hopeful. They actually want me there. I try to get back to a more positive mindset and I take it upon myself to deal with the whole drink situation for the party, there will be a bar and I'm a barkeeper. I take control. I know what I'm doing. Also, if I don't my best friend would just worry the whole party about everyone having drinks and the mess behind the bar. I want her to have fun.

I'm still anxious but I try to stay positive.

At the party I stay behind the bar, I don't really dare to cross their path. They ignore and get others to get them drinks. At one point me and my best friend are both behind the bar and Peter comes up and asks her for a fork. She says they're all dirty (they're not) and he just goat out ignores me.

I get pissed, get out small fork, toss it at him and smile. It feels good but also not. My friend gives him another fork and he leaves. Later, as I'm about to go around the tables to collect dirty dishes I suddenly stand in front of Steff who is holding empty bottles. I smile and tell her "you can give me those" and put them behind the bar. She also needs new ones so I give them to her. I don't know what to think or to feel. I find it funny that she, who has the problem with me, can manage to talk to me, while he, who was supposed to be my friend, can't.

Later, another friend tells me that apparently if I apologise for kissing Peter, which I don't remember ever happening, she would forgive me. There's a while discussion without me about that kiss. Steff said it happened, Peter says it might have he doesn't remember, and Peter also says he doesn't know and doesn't care. Not at one time did any of them talk to me and I didn't want to be a burden.

Since I already struggle with my memory I get confused. Did I kiss him? One friend who's been with us every time that kiss could have possibly happened says no. But maybe I kissed him on the cheek or something? I don't know. It was more than a year ago.

That whole thing never really gets clear.

Then I hear that Peter was apparently relieves that I managed to hold myself back at the party. What did they expect to happen?

Anyways, this whole thing is still unresolved. And the thing that bothers me, that really makes me mad, is that they get to just chill about this all and they don't how what they actually put me through. I know it's selfish and bad and whatever but it is what it is. And I hate myself for it.

#bpd #quiet bpd #actually borderline #quiet borderline #borderline #borderline personality disorder #personal #text #long #rant

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quietbpdandme · 4 years

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