polyfrag-kero

[polyfrag-kero]

so, update on the episodes

we talked to our psychiatrist about everything, and she actually said she believed we had a condition called functional neurological disorder (fnd), and that the episodes we've been experiencing could be seizures of some sort. she mentioned that we have multiple symptoms from the disorder, such as tics (which we previously thought was tourrettes, although it still could be), limb weakness, tremors in our legs, migraines, physical pain and fatigue, and more

we also discussed our medicine, and came to the conclusion that the lithium was indeed making it worse, so we're cutting back on that and eventually getting rid of it to start a different medicine

it feels so, so good to finally have some words to describe what's been happening to us, and to be heard and taken seriously. she never once judged us for not telling her sooner about our episodes, she understood our anxiety, and we're so grateful for that

now we have to schedule an appointment with a neurologist to have some testing done. we're anxious about it, but hopefully that will give us some concrete answers!

- 🐀

#🐀.txt #fnd #endos dni #anti endo #dissociative system #polyfrag system #c did #actually did #traumagenic system #dissociative identity disorder

[polyfrag-kero]

I love my dad! He makes me feel safe and happy because I can't talk and he is OK with it!

- Ray :)

#ray.txt #endos dni #anti endo #dissociative system #polyfrag system #c did #actually did #traumagenic system #dissociative identity disorder #system stuff

[polyfrag-kero]

(vent)

i hate living here

yesterday our "mother" was going over the side effects of our medicine and mentioned how one of them is tinnitus. i recently told her about us having tinnitus. she tried to say that our medicine was causing it, and when i told her that we've quite literally had tinnitus for years (we never told her because of how she reacts), she raised her voice and started saying "oh thats some bullshit, get the fuck out of here, you have NOT had tinnitus for years" and shooed me away

this is EXACTLY why we never tell her anything until it's too late. she never believes us

the same thing happened with our chronic pain. she took us to a doctor years ago for it and the doctor (who didn't even let me finish my sentences) claimed that we just needed to work out more and that it was just caused by isolation during covid??? he blamed it on us, saying we hadn't been moving around enough, when its so much more than that. i shouldn't have had to struggle to pick up a plastic water bottle. but of course, mother agreed with him. so later on when i complained that i PHYSICALLY COULD BARELY MOVE FROM THE PAIN AND FATIGUE, she just said "the doctor said nothing was wrong! you just need to work out more" while smiling (she smiles when talking if she thinks shes right) and pretty much dismissed me. when i told her i wanted to start using my cane again, she said "oh stop being so dramatic, you don't need that" (she loves calling us dramatic, she does it almost every day)

oh, and of course there was the time we were diagnosed with asd (back in highschool), and she made our school test us. it came back negative, just like every other test they'd given us (cause that hs SUCKED with diagnoses, all our friends with autism were diagnosed with anxiety), so now she refuses to believe it, EVEN THOUGH MULTIPLE PROFESSIONALS AGREE THAT WE ARE AUTISTIC

not even to mention the time she put her hands on me after i turned 18 during a severe ptsd episode because she didnt care/believe i was triggered (i was too scared to call the cops then, i would in a heartbeat now)

i just, hate living here

- 🐀

#🐀.txt #vent post #endos dni #anti endo #dissociative system #polyfrag system #c did #actually did #traumagenic system #dissociative identity disorder

[polyfrag-kero]

our episodes of passing out and shaking violently have gotten worse

they started last november or december, and at first, they weren't too bad. they happened here and there, nothing too big

but since we've started lithium they've gotten so much worse. we're having episodes almost every day, and we're getting hurt now from them

even better, we STILL don't know what's causing them, and we can't see our primary doctor for a while since we can't afford it

we're currently trying to schedule an emergency appointment with our psychiatrist to see if we can reduce our lithium/find out what's causing these episodes and what they are

- 🐀

#🐀.txt #endos dni #anti endo #dissociative system #polyfrag system #c did #actually did #traumagenic system #dissociative identity disorder

[polyfrag-kero]

(TW for psychosis ment.)

I feel bad for one of our hosts

He's constantly afraid he's going to have a psychotic break again. He's had so many before that almost every night he gets scared that he'll start seeing or hearing things that aren't there

Plenty of other alters have this fear as well, but it's the greatest in him. I want to reassure him that even if it does happen that we will take care of him, but I'm a bit new and have never talked one-on-one with him before, so I am a tad bit nervous

- Ivan

#ivan.txt #tw psychosis #endos dni #anti endo #dissociative system #polyfrag system #c did #actually did #traumagenic system #dissociative identity disorder #system stuff

[polyfrag-kero]

to everyone we used to talk to but don't talk to anymore/talk to less often: we're sorry, and we still see you as our friends. things are just really hard right now, and mentally we're exhausted. please don't take it personally. we're trying

- 🐀

#🐀.txt #endos dni #anti endo #dissociative system #polyfrag system #c did #actually did #traumagenic system #dissociative identity disorder

[polyfrag-kero]

(Vent)

We moved years ago. We thought that things would get better. We were gone from our main abusers, so why? Why are things getting worse?Why did this "new start" turn out to be so much worse than living with/by our main abusers?

How did we miss the signs that we were living with abusive/toxic people all over again?

- Daan

#daan.txt #vent #endos dni #anti endo #dissociative system #polyfrag system #c did #actually did #traumagenic system #dissociative identity disorder

[polyfrag-kero]

Finding out that we might be hard of hearing/have Auditory Processing Disorder is so..not shocking?

We all knew for years that something was wrong with our hearing/ability to distinguish words, but we never had the right words to describe it. We're going to talk to our primary doctor about it next time we see them, but that won't be for a while

In the meantime, we've been looking into hearing aid options, just in case we eventually need to get them

But this whole thing feels sorta, isolating? Even though I know realistically that other people have the same issue(s), it still feels so lonely

Idk, it makes me think of that one time in elementary school where we faked a hearing test because we knew something was wrong, but didn't know what and we were desperate for someone to see our problem(s) and help

Sorry for the random rant, I've just been thinking about this a lot

- Ego (He/They/It/Neos)

#ego.txt #auditory processing disorder #endos dni #anti endo #dissociative system #polyfrag system #c did #actually did #traumagenic system #dissociative identity disorder

[polyfrag-kero]

I feel bad for people that cry easily

We know from experience how horrible people treat those that cry easily. They will call you things like "dramatic", "manipulative", "deceitful", etc. And of course, that just makes the tears flow even more

If you cry easily, just know that I wish you the best. I wish that people will understand and treat you better, and if you cry easily due to trauma, I wish you a safe healing journey

- Gabriel

#gabriel.txt #endos dni #anti endo #dissociative system #polyfrag system #c did #actually did #traumagenic system #dissociative identity disorder

[polyfrag-kero]

Being a religious alter in a system where most of the alters aren't religious is such a strange experience

Not to say anyone has been purposefully impolite or uncivil, but not being able to relate to anyone else is very...isolating

Not to mention that I can't practice my faith in the outerworld often, since I am barely in the front room

But then again we do have religious figures in our system that I can talk about my faith to, so that does make me feel better most days

I love everyone in the system, it's just a strange experience that I don't see many people talking about

- Caspian

#caspian.text #endos dni #anti endo #dissociative system #polyfrag system #c did #actually did #traumagenic system #dissociative identity disorder #system stuff

[polyfrag-kero]

being a system is so funny sometimes because what do you mean daan from fear and hunger and fluttershy from mlp are best friends

(don't mind the expression he gave himself, he loves her/p lmao)

- 🐀

#🐀.txt #endos dni #anti endo #dissociative system #polyfrag system #c did #actually did #traumagenic system #dissociative identity disorder #system stuff #fear and hunger daan #mlp fluttershy

[polyfrag-kero]

our first day at our new job was amazing! we got to play with so many dogs! only bad part was that we tried to break up a dog fight and got bit in the process, but we're okay!

- 🐀

#🐀.txt #endos dni #anti endo #dissociative system #c did #not system stuff

[polyfrag-kero]

WE GOT HIRED TO OUR FIRST JOB TODAY!

we're so excited, we're going to be working with animals all day long! it finally feels like our life goals are actually achievable

- 🐀

#🐀.txt #endos dni #anti endo #dissociative system #c did

[polyfrag-kero]

found a drawing from two of our alters (Mira and Jack) and the difference in art style is so funny to me 😭

im gonna try to convince some other people to show their drawings too!

- Cameron

#cameron.txt #endos dni #anti endo #dissociative system #polyfrag system #actually did #c did #traumagenic system #dissociative identity disorder #system stuff

[polyfrag-kero]

(TW abuse ment/vent)

it just clicked for our primary host recently (but especially today) that we're still living in a toxic/abusive situation, and things are not just "magically better" (we moved into our current house years ago, and before we lived in a very abusive household)

we thought moving would be the change we needed to finally start living our life. we all thought things would be better. but they weren't. they aren't. and he's finally realized it

- Cameron

#cameron.txt #slight vent #tw abuse mention #endos dni #anti endo #dissociative system #polyfrag system #c did

[polyfrag-kero]

(TW violence against pwNPD)

Holy shit

I was looking up some NPD videos/creators on TikTok and EVERY. SINGLE. VIDEO. had comments saying "Narcissists should be exiled and killed off" "You have no value in life" "Your opinion on anything doesn't matter, you have no empathy" and other things

What is wrong with some of you? People with NPD are just that, PEOPLE! Just because they have a personality disorder, they're suddenly less than human to you? Suddenly you feel justified to harm them? Suddenly you feel they're better off dead?

Who's the real abuser here?

- Apollo

#apollo.txt #npd safe #questioning npd #endos dni #anti endo #dissociative system #c did

[polyfrag-kero]

i love people with NPD

i think people with NPD are so cool and strong and awesome, and tbh i probably need more friends with NPD so i can learn more about it

you guys are so amazing and i hope you know it <3

- 🐀

#🐀.txt #questioning npd #npd safe #npd people are so cool #endos dni #anti endo #dissociative system #polyfrag system #c did