loveistrueblue

[loveistrueblue]

happy birthday to weed

#miscellaneous #weed

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anyone else missing their sibling deeply and painfully. Lol

#miscellaneous #always

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trying so hard to not get discouraged rn… but everything feels so discouraging 😭

#marin speaks #march 2024 #help LMFAOOOO

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y’all im so tired

#marin speaks #march 2024 #like. that’s all there is to say #i’m tired i’m exhausted i’m in pain i just am tired

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im the bug that your parents say is more scared of you than you are of me

#miscellaneous #me fr

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updates: still working full time and part time at both jobs and currently in the process of finding apartments to apply for. still commuting daily and gas weekly is costing roughly 100-150/week. my goal at this point is to try to have a place by mid-april, if all possible, to at least cut the cost of maintaining and putting so many miles on my car that isn’t in the best shape. i changed my availability at the part time job to sunday-tuesday, so that i am able to have one day off per week (saturdays). i started having flashbacks again thursday of last week, and was sent home friday early from throwing up from one. i think it was from overworking and not taking care of myself. i am trying to keep my head up and stay as positive and optimistic as possible that this is just a rough situation i will get through with determination and building my strength.

anything still helps. even if you can’t financially, if anyone has any words of encouragement or advice in living with ptsd, facing being houseless, coping with chronic stress, etc, anything, it’s appreciated. i keep telling myself this is just something i’ve got to get through and try to keep hope with me through. i’m going to get through this and have a home and have hobbies and fulfillment and joy, so so soon. i see glimpses of it in every day, even the hard ones, if i look hard enough.

as always, sending out love to everyone rn. it’s a rough life and we need all the kindness and love we can get. 💙

i had to move in with my sister for the time being until i can get an apartment in my town. i wasn’t able to save enough (from only having one part time job until a few weeks ago, and now i have a full time and part time one), for an apartment in time before i had to leave. my sister is an hour and ten minutes away from both of the jobs i work, so i have to make that commute every day, even weekends. i got my oil changed two days before i had to move my stuff out of where i was and i was told i have a leak leaking oil and transmission fluid. i’ve made a habit of checking and trying to maintain my fluid levels at least weekly now due to my commute, but i am so stressed about my car doing something (i don’t even wanna say it aloud), and adding yet another costly repair before i can get an apartment. working full time has allowed me to finally be able to save up money, but the gas and maintenance cost of my car is making that harder.

if anyone is able to help in any way, my ko-fi is craxsh and my venmo is mar399 and tips are open here on tumblr. my commissions are still open as well (link is in my pinned post). as always, if you send me anything and don’t want to formally request a commission, message me and i can make you a little something. reblogs to get the word out would be helpful as well.

there is no obligation or expectation.

i’m just trying really hard to power through what feels like a terrifying and impossible situation of my life falling apart. the town my sister lives in is the one i was SAed in, making things even harder. the town i’ve lived in the past six years has become my safe place and my home and it’s hard for me right now to feel like i don’t have “home” anywhere. i had spent months and months after graduation applying for jobs to no avail and i FINALLY landed a full time one, doing something i actually enjoy (teaching preschoolers apparently!), and i really just want to keep this job and get my life together and go to therapy and become better despite it feeling like it’s all falling apart. i am trying really hard and to stay positive.

i am appreciative to all of you. 💙

#marin speaks #march 2024 #reblogs

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i had to move in with my sister for the time being until i can get an apartment in my town. i wasn’t able to save enough (from only having one part time job until a few weeks ago, and now i have a full time and part time one), for an apartment in time before i had to leave. my sister is an hour and ten minutes away from both of the jobs i work, so i have to make that commute every day, even weekends. i got my oil changed two days before i had to move my stuff out of where i was and i was told i have a leak leaking oil and transmission fluid. i’ve made a habit of checking and trying to maintain my fluid levels at least weekly now due to my commute, but i am so stressed about my car doing something (i don’t even wanna say it aloud), and adding yet another costly repair before i can get an apartment. working full time has allowed me to finally be able to save up money, but the gas and maintenance cost of my car is making that harder.

if anyone is able to help in any way, my ko-fi is craxsh and my venmo is mar399 and tips are open here on tumblr. my commissions are still open as well (link is in my pinned post). as always, if you send me anything and don’t want to formally request a commission, message me and i can make you a little something. reblogs to get the word out would be helpful as well.

there is no obligation or expectation.

i’m just trying really hard to power through what feels like a terrifying and impossible situation of my life falling apart. the town my sister lives in is the one i was SAed in, making things even harder. the town i’ve lived in the past six years has become my safe place and my home and it’s hard for me right now to feel like i don’t have “home” anywhere. i had spent months and months after graduation applying for jobs to no avail and i FINALLY landed a full time one, doing something i actually enjoy (teaching preschoolers apparently!), and i really just want to keep this job and get my life together and go to therapy and become better despite it feeling like it’s all falling apart. i am trying really hard and to stay positive.

i am appreciative to all of you. 💙

#reblogs #evening reblogs

[loveistrueblue]

i had to move in with my sister for the time being until i can get an apartment in my town. i wasn’t able to save enough (from only having one part time job until a few weeks ago, and now i have a full time and part time one), for an apartment in time before i had to leave. my sister is an hour and ten minutes away from both of the jobs i work, so i have to make that commute every day, even weekends. i got my oil changed two days before i had to move my stuff out of where i was and i was told i have a leak leaking oil and transmission fluid. i’ve made a habit of checking and trying to maintain my fluid levels at least weekly now due to my commute, but i am so stressed about my car doing something (i don’t even wanna say it aloud), and adding yet another costly repair before i can get an apartment. working full time has allowed me to finally be able to save up money, but the gas and maintenance cost of my car is making that harder.

if anyone is able to help in any way, my ko-fi is craxsh and my venmo is mar399 and tips are open here on tumblr. my commissions are still open as well (link is in my pinned post). as always, if you send me anything and don’t want to formally request a commission, message me and i can make you a little something. reblogs to get the word out would be helpful as well.

there is no obligation or expectation.

i’m just trying really hard to power through what feels like a terrifying and impossible situation of my life falling apart. the town my sister lives in is the one i was SAed in, making things even harder. the town i’ve lived in the past six years has become my safe place and my home and it’s hard for me right now to feel like i don’t have “home” anywhere. i had spent months and months after graduation applying for jobs to no avail and i FINALLY landed a full time one, doing something i actually enjoy (teaching preschoolers apparently!), and i really just want to keep this job and get my life together and go to therapy and become better despite it feeling like it’s all falling apart. i am trying really hard and to stay positive.

i am appreciative to all of you. 💙

#marin speaks #please boost #mutual aid #help request #february 2024

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guys im a little dr*nk but i love yall and hope ur doing okay and being kind to urselves!!! <3

#marin speaks #february 2024 #sorry i am just clraly drunk and wanna talk abt ow much i love ppl #rn'

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what if i started posting fanfic again in 2024 what then

#marin speaks #january 2024

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car update: like i thought, it was my battery. 205 dollars later, at least it’s fixed 😭 in better news, if things continue to go as planned, i’m supposed to start my new job sometime this week. so i’m just really hoping on things going well with that because i’m just. so so stressed.

#marin speaks #january 2024 #vent #vent post #vent tw

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A Cinematic Buildup to the Worst Moment of Your Life (objects in mirror are closer than they appear), a redrafted poem from August.

TW for sexual assault.

i hesitate to publicly post anything i write about my SA from August 2022, especially to call it a poem. i feel like i don’t get to call anything i write about it “poetry,” because it’s always so scattered, so messy, so frantic.

but i haven’t felt anything but scattered and messy and frantic since it happened to me. my life became blurry. time and space feel like they’re melting around me constantly. some days that night is a distant echo. others, i feel like i’m hungover, waking up on a bathroom floor i don’t recognize, vomiting like the alcohol from that night is still lingering in my body. i taste it in random drinks, feel the dread mid-laughter with my friends, hear the sounds of the bars echoing when i wake up in the middle of the night and the lights are off.

navigating life after something like that is strange. i haven’t felt fully human since before it happened to me. sometimes i can’t even really remember who i was before, if any parts of that person are still there.

i think ultimately i hesitate to post things i write about my experience with sexual assault publicly because i’m still just so ashamed it ever happened to me. it wasn’t my fault, but it’ll always feel a little bit like it was anyhow. i’m ashamed of my reactions to what happened; i’m embarrassed i get flashbacks, embarrassed i regress back into childish mentalities and seek childish comforts, embarrassed it’ll be two years this august and i still don’t feel “healed.”

i wrote this poem to reflect how it feels looking back in hindsight. how it feels to know how it all plays out, knowing that if i’d have done things differently, maybe the outcome would be different. but i also wrote it to reflect that panicked feeling of KNOWING a flashback is coming and just the engulfing fear surrounding that.

and as with all my writing, i think it wrote it in hopes to be just the slightest bit more understood.

be gentle to yourself.

#poetry #spilled ink #sa survivor #poetry community #poem #tw sa #tw sexual assault #marin writes poetry #trying to get better about writing and posting it recently #moved from instagram #january 2024 #mine #my work #my stuff

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sent a tip, not sure how tumblr tips work (haven't done it before) so let me know if it goes through? sorry about y'know. everything. hope it helps, even a little bit

it did go through! it does help, seriously, and i appreciate your kindness so much. as with any time anyone sends me a tip (through ko-fi, on here, or otherwise), if you would like me to make you a little something in return (a graphic, a poem, a story, etc.), please let me know, and i will. and i mean that sincerely.

thank you again. <3

#marin answers #january 2024

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also, side note: i have been seeing the replies to my post seeking advice about going nonverbal and i am appreciative of them all. i haven't replied to anything because life has been. life. but i am appreciative of the advice and am trying to figure out what works best for me. <3

#marin speaks #january 2024

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i'm sorry to have become such a worn-down mess here, everyone. this is another vent post, so please, if you're not in a space for hearing someone complain, skip past this one. i understand how terrible the whole world is at the moment and i understand not having any more energy to spare.

having hope is exhausting. having any kind of hope right now is starting to feel pointless to me. i finally got a full-time job i would be starting within the next two weeks and yesterday, before i went to my other job (part-time one), my car died. it won't start back up. i don't have money to fix it and I'm just hoping i can somehow figure it out. my savings is 200. months of trying and with student loan repayments, my credit card, trying to eat, gas, etc, it's like i can't get ANYTHING saved working part-time. and i've been trying since i graduated to get a full-time job, but kept getting rejection after rejection. and i finally get this one, and my fucking car dies. i live over twenty minutes away from town. i NEED a car, even to get to my part-time job. i don't have my own place, the people I'm currently living with are moving out within the next couple months, and when that happens, i have to either have my own place secured, or i have to move, leaving my jobs and friends (who have become more family to me than most of my blood family ever could be), and everything i've tried to make for myself here.

with the new job, i was starting to get hopeful things were going to be okay and work out. because i would actually have set full-time hours, and a guaranteed paycheck. and now i truly don't even know what's going to happen because of my car. and I'm so stressed out and mentally not doing well, i am trying so hard to not let this be the thing that makes me give up, but it's so tempting.

how the fuck is anybody keeping their sanity right now? how is anyone remaining hopeful and a positive person? i used to take a little bit of pride in the way i tried to be encouraging to others and being hopeful, but i feel like life is carving every little bit of hope out of me.

#vent #vent post tw #vent post #rant #delete later #marin speaks #january 2024

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MEGAN THEE STALLION via Twitter | January 23, 2024

#megan thee stallion

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- Evelyn Waugh, from Brideshead Revisited (1945)

#a collection of words i like